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1
00:00:03,481 --> 00:00:07,918
Good evening. I'm your guest lecturer,
Dr. Sheldon Cooper.
2
00:00:12,423 --> 00:00:15,915
I was expecting applause.
3
00:00:16,093 --> 00:00:20,052
But I suppose stunned silence
is equally appropriate.
4
00:00:20,231 --> 00:00:23,200
I agreed to speak to you
this evening...
5
00:00:23,367 --> 00:00:26,268
...because I was told
you're the best and the brightest...
6
00:00:26,437 --> 00:00:28,997
...of this university's
doctoral candidates.
7
00:00:29,173 --> 00:00:32,438
Hmm. That's like saying
you're the most important electron...
8
00:00:32,610 --> 00:00:34,908
...in a hydrogen atom. Ha, ha.
9
00:00:38,249 --> 00:00:40,740
Because, you see,
there's only one electron...
10
00:00:40,918 --> 00:00:42,943
...in a hydrogen atom.
11
00:00:46,090 --> 00:00:47,921
Best and brightest,
my sweet patootie.
12
00:00:48,092 --> 00:00:50,322
All right. Let's begin. Show of hands.
13
00:00:50,495 --> 00:00:54,488
Who here is familiar with the concept
of topological insulators?
14
00:00:55,733 --> 00:00:56,995
Heh. Don't kid yourselves.
15
00:00:59,670 --> 00:01:02,161
I found another tweet from a student.
16
00:01:02,340 --> 00:01:04,865
"Dr. Cooper has taken
a relatively boring subject...
17
00:01:05,042 --> 00:01:08,409
...and managed to make it
completely insufferable.
18
00:01:09,146 --> 00:01:11,046
Plus, he looks like a giant insect."
19
00:01:11,215 --> 00:01:12,375
(RAJ LAUGHS)
20
00:01:12,550 --> 00:01:15,348
Look. Listen to this one.
"Does Einstein's theory...
21
00:01:15,520 --> 00:01:18,284
...explain why time flies
when you're having fun...
22
00:01:18,456 --> 00:01:22,119
...but when you're listening to
Dr. Cooper, it falls out of the sky dead?"
23
00:01:22,293 --> 00:01:23,317
(LAUGHS)
24
00:01:23,494 --> 00:01:27,191
Ooh, somebody took pictures and
uploaded them to their Flickr account.
25
00:01:28,165 --> 00:01:33,000
Wow. How do you get an entire lecture hall
to flip you off at the same time?
26
00:01:33,471 --> 00:01:36,133
Apparently, if you're Sheldon,
all you need to do is turn your back.
27
00:01:36,307 --> 00:01:37,706
(RAJ LAUGHS)
28
00:01:37,875 --> 00:01:40,343
Hey, Leonard, is your Wi-Fi down?
I can't get on.
29
00:01:40,511 --> 00:01:44,379
Oh, Sheldon changed the password.
It's now "Penny is a freeloader."
30
00:01:45,683 --> 00:01:46,911
No spaces.
31
00:01:47,084 --> 00:01:49,018
Thanks. What are you guys doing?
32
00:01:49,186 --> 00:01:51,984
Sheldon gave a lecture tonight.
We're reading the reviews.
33
00:01:52,156 --> 00:01:53,350
Oh, how did he do?
34
00:01:53,524 --> 00:01:58,018
Picture the Hindenburg meets Chernobyl
meets Three Mile Island meets Tron 2.
35
00:01:59,163 --> 00:02:00,221
That bad, huh?
36
00:02:00,398 --> 00:02:02,525
Read this woman's tweet.
37
00:02:03,734 --> 00:02:07,170
"Listening to Dr. Cooper has made me
wanna start cutting myself again."
38
00:02:07,338 --> 00:02:08,600
Yeah. Ha-ha-ha.
39
00:02:10,741 --> 00:02:13,574
Well, good evening,
Leonard, Howard, Raj.
40
00:02:13,744 --> 00:02:15,575
Freeloader.
41
00:02:16,881 --> 00:02:18,576
So how did the lecture go?
42
00:02:18,749 --> 00:02:21,217
In a word, triumphant.
43
00:02:22,420 --> 00:02:25,184
- Really? Triumphant?
- Oh, yes.
44
00:02:25,356 --> 00:02:28,291
Should've seen those people.
They're thirsty for knowledge...
45
00:02:28,492 --> 00:02:29,789
...drinking in my wisdom.
46
00:02:30,261 --> 00:02:32,889
I may have changed a few lives today.
47
00:02:34,065 --> 00:02:36,693
Oh, please, let me tell him.
48
00:02:36,867 --> 00:02:38,835
I don't know.
I kind of promised Howard.
49
00:02:39,804 --> 00:02:42,398
- Tell me what?
- Actually, we should share the moment.
50
00:02:42,573 --> 00:02:43,665
Raj, if you would.
51
00:02:46,577 --> 00:02:49,876
Oh, tweets about my lecture.
52
00:02:52,416 --> 00:02:54,111
Hmm.
53
00:02:54,919 --> 00:02:57,285
That's rather unfair.
54
00:02:57,655 --> 00:02:59,418
That's downright cruel.
55
00:02:59,590 --> 00:03:01,922
Plus, insects have six legs.
56
00:03:03,594 --> 00:03:06,154
I'm not familiar
with the acronym KMN.
57
00:03:06,330 --> 00:03:09,493
Oh, from the context,
we think it means "kill me now."
58
00:03:12,837 --> 00:03:16,739
Well, I suppose everyone's entitled
to their own opinion.
59
00:03:16,907 --> 00:03:18,204
I think I'll turn in.
60
00:03:20,611 --> 00:03:23,546
I didn't wanna teach
those poopy heads anyway.
61
00:03:26,283 --> 00:03:28,774
FYI,
I think that's what Darth Vader said...
62
00:03:28,953 --> 00:03:32,116
...just before
he started building the Death Star.
63
00:03:58,049 --> 00:04:00,449
- Sheldon still moping?
- Yeah, it's weird.
64
00:04:00,651 --> 00:04:04,883
Though he didn't wanna give the lecture,
being rejected by students hit him hard.
65
00:04:05,056 --> 00:04:08,116
Hmm, I know the feeling. Like
accidentally walking into a gay bar...
66
00:04:08,292 --> 00:04:10,658
...then having no one hit on you.
67
00:04:17,535 --> 00:04:20,436
It happened to a friend of mine.
68
00:04:22,206 --> 00:04:24,868
- Are you doing okay?
- Yeah, Leonard and I are fine...
69
00:04:25,042 --> 00:04:27,704
...but I think Raj
needs to meet a girl really soon.
70
00:04:28,913 --> 00:04:31,074
That shouldn't be too hard.
He's a cutie.
71
00:04:31,248 --> 00:04:33,273
Oh, thank you.
But cute is for bunnies.
72
00:04:33,451 --> 00:04:38,081
I want to be something with sex appeal,
like a Labradoodle.
73
00:04:40,057 --> 00:04:41,115
Labradoodle?
74
00:04:42,126 --> 00:04:44,993
We might be starting to zero in
on your problem.
75
00:04:45,596 --> 00:04:48,463
Don't you listen to them.
You've got plenty of sex appeal.
76
00:04:48,632 --> 00:04:50,896
- You really think so?
- Yeah, you're a hottie.
77
00:04:51,702 --> 00:04:53,829
Thanks, Bernadette.
78
00:04:55,573 --> 00:04:58,064
For the record,
Labradoodles are hypoallergenic...
79
00:04:58,242 --> 00:05:01,507
...which is a very sexy quality
to those troubled by animal dander.
80
00:05:04,915 --> 00:05:06,507
AMY (OVER COMPUTER):
So, what do you think?
81
00:05:09,620 --> 00:05:12,646
It's a charming illusion,
but it does not cheer me up.
82
00:05:12,823 --> 00:05:14,814
Not even when I do this?
83
00:05:14,992 --> 00:05:19,292
(MIMICS AIR BUBBLES POPPING
UNDERWATER)
84
00:05:21,232 --> 00:05:22,665
No.
85
00:05:23,667 --> 00:05:27,262
Well, that was the last arrow
in my quiver of whimsy.
86
00:05:27,671 --> 00:05:30,936
Do you realize teaching
is the first thing I've failed at...
87
00:05:31,108 --> 00:05:35,477
...since my ill-fated attempt
to complete a chin-up in March of 1989?
88
00:05:35,980 --> 00:05:40,144
If this experience is troubling you
there are things we could do about it.
89
00:05:40,317 --> 00:05:43,115
- For instance?
- The first thing that comes to mind...
90
00:05:43,287 --> 00:05:46,017
...is isolating the part of your brain
where memory is stored...
91
00:05:46,190 --> 00:05:48,283
...and destroying it with a laser.
92
00:05:48,893 --> 00:05:49,917
Hmm.
93
00:05:50,094 --> 00:05:54,292
No. One slip of the hand and I'm sitting
in the Engineering Department...
94
00:05:54,465 --> 00:05:57,161
...building doodads with Wolowitz.
95
00:05:57,768 --> 00:06:01,363
All right. Have you considered
improving your socialization skills...
96
00:06:01,539 --> 00:06:04,133
...thus allowing you
to communicate more effectively?
97
00:06:04,308 --> 00:06:05,639
Isn't that their burden?
98
00:06:05,810 --> 00:06:08,677
I'm the one
with something interesting to say.
99
00:06:09,280 --> 00:06:12,681
Fair enough. But in its essence,
teaching is a performance art.
100
00:06:12,850 --> 00:06:16,684
In the classroom paradigm, the teacher
has the responsibility to communicate...
101
00:06:16,854 --> 00:06:18,981
...as well as entertain and engage.
102
00:06:19,557 --> 00:06:22,048
I sense you're trying to slow walk me
to an epiphany.
103
00:06:22,226 --> 00:06:24,319
Would you mind very much
jumping to it?
104
00:06:25,196 --> 00:06:27,687
Perhaps you should consider
taking acting lessons.
105
00:06:28,165 --> 00:06:29,723
Acting lessons.
106
00:06:29,900 --> 00:06:31,731
Interesting.
107
00:06:31,902 --> 00:06:35,065
It might help if I could act
as though I care about my students...
108
00:06:35,239 --> 00:06:37,434
...and whether or not they learn.
109
00:06:39,710 --> 00:06:41,007
Penny.
110
00:06:41,178 --> 00:06:42,440
Penny.
111
00:06:42,613 --> 00:06:44,103
Penny.
112
00:06:45,416 --> 00:06:49,250
- What?
- You're an "actress," correct?
113
00:06:50,054 --> 00:06:54,081
I'm not an "actress." I'm an actress.
114
00:06:54,925 --> 00:06:57,723
All right. You're an actress.
115
00:06:59,163 --> 00:07:01,893
- I need you to teach me.
- You want an acting lesson?
116
00:07:02,066 --> 00:07:05,092
Perhaps two.
I'd like to master the craft.
117
00:07:06,203 --> 00:07:07,932
Okay, where is this coming from?
118
00:07:08,405 --> 00:07:12,933
It has been suggested to me that acting
techniques could improve my lecturing.
119
00:07:13,110 --> 00:07:18,047
At which, if certain tweets and blogs
are to be believed, I "suck the big one."
120
00:07:18,215 --> 00:07:19,239
(LAUGHS)
121
00:07:19,416 --> 00:07:23,648
I saw those. They were funny. I printed
a few out and put them on my fridge.
122
00:07:24,221 --> 00:07:25,552
So when can we start?
123
00:07:25,723 --> 00:07:27,156
Okay, just to be clear.
124
00:07:27,358 --> 00:07:29,952
You are asking me for help
because I know something...
125
00:07:30,127 --> 00:07:32,561
...that the brilliant Dr. Sheldon Cooper
doesn't.
126
00:07:33,664 --> 00:07:36,292
I suppose that's one way to look at it.
127
00:07:37,001 --> 00:07:39,094
I think it's the only way to look at it.
128
00:07:39,803 --> 00:07:43,261
- Are you going to help me or not?
- Probably. Just enjoying the foreplay.
129
00:07:44,775 --> 00:07:47,073
Does this mean
you are done mocking my career?
130
00:07:47,244 --> 00:07:48,336
Oh, I'm sorry.
131
00:07:48,512 --> 00:07:51,743
I thought making the transition
from actor to acting teacher...
132
00:07:51,916 --> 00:07:55,317
...was the signal that one's career
had reached the end of the road.
133
00:07:57,388 --> 00:07:59,913
- Forget it.
- I'll pay you $40.
134
00:08:00,090 --> 00:08:02,251
Saturday, 9 a.m. Bring cash.
135
00:08:05,296 --> 00:08:07,264
- Raj, I have amazing news.
- What?
136
00:08:07,431 --> 00:08:11,026
Ha, ha. I just got offered a fellowship
at the Weizmann Institute in Israel.
137
00:08:11,201 --> 00:08:12,862
- Dude, that's incredible.
HOWARD: I know.
138
00:08:13,037 --> 00:08:15,665
The only thing is,
I'm gonna be gone for two years.
139
00:08:15,839 --> 00:08:17,534
Oh, I'm gonna miss you.
140
00:08:17,708 --> 00:08:20,302
- Are you going with him?
- I have to stay for school.
141
00:08:20,477 --> 00:08:26,313
That's what we're here to talk to you
about. You see, Bernadette has needs.
142
00:08:28,485 --> 00:08:29,645
What kind of needs?
143
00:08:30,220 --> 00:08:32,154
Sexual needs.
144
00:08:33,190 --> 00:08:37,058
Most of them regular,
some of them kind of messed up.
145
00:08:39,830 --> 00:08:43,926
So while I'm gone,
you're gonna have to satisfy her.
146
00:08:45,169 --> 00:08:46,693
What do you say?
147
00:08:48,138 --> 00:08:50,470
I say okey-dokey.
148
00:08:56,747 --> 00:08:58,442
What you thinking so hard about?
149
00:08:59,183 --> 00:09:02,346
Just that I'm definitely not gay.
150
00:09:10,094 --> 00:09:11,391
SHELDON:
Penny.
151
00:09:11,562 --> 00:09:12,893
Penny.
152
00:09:13,063 --> 00:09:14,462
Penny.
153
00:09:14,631 --> 00:09:17,862
- What's wrong?
- Nothing. I was acting.
154
00:09:18,402 --> 00:09:19,426
(SIGHS)
155
00:09:19,603 --> 00:09:20,763
You were acting?
156
00:09:20,971 --> 00:09:25,340
Yes. In preparation for today's studies,
I read Stanislavski's An Actor Prepares...
157
00:09:25,509 --> 00:09:27,568
...Stella Adler's
The Technique of Acting...
158
00:09:27,745 --> 00:09:32,512
...Uta Hagen's Respect for Acting,
and Henry Winkler's Eh, I'm an Actor.
159
00:09:33,617 --> 00:09:36,415
Well, good for you. Come on in.
160
00:09:36,587 --> 00:09:39,112
- How should we begin?
- Well, I thought we'd start...
161
00:09:39,289 --> 00:09:41,416
...with some
basic movement exercises.
162
00:09:41,592 --> 00:09:43,526
You know, get our bodies warmed up.
163
00:09:43,694 --> 00:09:45,685
- All right.
- I just want you to relax...
164
00:09:45,863 --> 00:09:48,297
...and kind of move around
in the space, you know.
165
00:09:48,499 --> 00:09:51,491
Just do whatever feels natural.
166
00:09:58,409 --> 00:10:02,140
- Sheldon.
- You said to do whatever feels natural.
167
00:10:02,312 --> 00:10:03,643
This feels natural.
168
00:10:04,782 --> 00:10:07,649
Certainly more natural
than what you're doing.
169
00:10:07,818 --> 00:10:10,753
Gotta work with me. We need
to get connected with our bodies.
170
00:10:10,921 --> 00:10:14,550
Penny, my body and I
have a relationship that works best...
171
00:10:14,725 --> 00:10:18,024
...when we maintain a cool,
wary distance from each other.
172
00:10:18,695 --> 00:10:20,492
(SIGHS)
173
00:10:20,664 --> 00:10:22,757
All right,
let's just say we've warmed up.
174
00:10:23,133 --> 00:10:24,725
You're the "teacher."
175
00:10:25,335 --> 00:10:26,359
(SIGHS)
176
00:10:26,537 --> 00:10:28,767
Okay. One of the things
that might help you...
177
00:10:28,939 --> 00:10:32,170
...in connecting with students
is being a little more spontaneous.
178
00:10:32,342 --> 00:10:34,105
Why don't we try
some improvisation?
179
00:10:34,278 --> 00:10:38,180
Why not? It seems like you're
improvising your entire curriculum.
180
00:10:39,983 --> 00:10:43,612
- This is about listening and responding.
- Gotcha.
181
00:10:43,787 --> 00:10:46,654
I'm gonna create a character
and situation and just jump in.
182
00:10:46,824 --> 00:10:48,121
- All right.
- All right.
183
00:10:48,292 --> 00:10:49,987
Action.
184
00:10:52,362 --> 00:10:55,820
Okay. It's not a movie, it's improv.
So no one calls, "Action."
185
00:10:55,999 --> 00:10:57,762
Hey, you taught me something.
186
00:10:58,802 --> 00:11:00,201
Who would've thought it?
187
00:11:02,406 --> 00:11:04,203
Ahem. Okay.
188
00:11:04,374 --> 00:11:07,002
No, the shipment hasn't arrived
and I need those shoes.
189
00:11:07,177 --> 00:11:10,237
They are my biggest seller.
Yes, ladies, sizes 6 through 10.
190
00:11:10,414 --> 00:11:13,975
Thank you. Oh, sorry, I have to go.
I have a customer. Bye-bye.
191
00:11:14,151 --> 00:11:15,311
Hi, can I help you?
192
00:11:15,853 --> 00:11:18,822
I'd like a frozen yogurt, please.
193
00:11:22,359 --> 00:11:23,758
Yogurt?
194
00:11:23,927 --> 00:11:29,160
Um, okay. Sure. You... Luckily,
we sell both shoes and yogurt here.
195
00:11:30,667 --> 00:11:32,532
You do?
196
00:11:33,370 --> 00:11:38,103
Yes. Look up at the sign and remember,
improv is always about saying yes.
197
00:11:38,675 --> 00:11:39,699
All right.
198
00:11:39,877 --> 00:11:40,901
(GASPS)
199
00:11:41,078 --> 00:11:42,602
Yes.
200
00:11:43,714 --> 00:11:45,181
I see a sign.
201
00:11:45,349 --> 00:11:49,149
It says,
"Camarillo State Mental Hospital."
202
00:11:50,888 --> 00:11:51,980
What?
203
00:11:52,356 --> 00:11:54,347
The only explanation
I can come up with...
204
00:11:54,525 --> 00:11:57,892
...for why you think
you sell shoes and yogurt.
205
00:11:58,695 --> 00:12:01,129
Okay, you know what?
Let's try a different improv.
206
00:12:02,065 --> 00:12:06,229
Oh. This time, we will be two winos
living under a freeway overpass.
207
00:12:06,403 --> 00:12:08,268
Oh, and we're going to use props?
208
00:12:08,438 --> 00:12:10,167
You bet.
209
00:12:12,576 --> 00:12:15,010
I had dreams, you know.
I was gonna be famous.
210
00:12:15,546 --> 00:12:19,073
Show everybody back home
I could be someone. Now, look at me.
211
00:12:20,417 --> 00:12:23,944
- Want some?
- Do you have any frozen yogurt?
212
00:12:28,759 --> 00:12:32,354
I'm still not adjusted to how
the Syfy channel spells their name now.
213
00:12:32,529 --> 00:12:35,589
S-Y-F-Y. That's "siffy."
214
00:12:36,066 --> 00:12:37,090
Uh-huh.
215
00:12:37,267 --> 00:12:38,894
(PHONE RINGING)
216
00:12:42,072 --> 00:12:43,596
Hello?
217
00:12:45,576 --> 00:12:47,305
Oh, my God, is he okay?
218
00:12:47,511 --> 00:12:49,172
- What happened?
- Hang on, hang on.
219
00:12:49,880 --> 00:12:51,006
Uh-huh.
220
00:12:51,582 --> 00:12:52,606
Okay, thank you.
221
00:12:53,784 --> 00:12:56,150
Howard was on his scooter
and got hit by a truck.
222
00:12:56,320 --> 00:12:57,981
He's in critical condition.
223
00:12:58,188 --> 00:13:00,486
Oh, no.
224
00:13:02,693 --> 00:13:05,127
Did you hear? Isn't it terrible?
225
00:13:05,295 --> 00:13:07,490
- Have you seen him?
- They wouldn't let me in.
226
00:13:08,098 --> 00:13:10,498
Oh, my Howie.
227
00:13:10,968 --> 00:13:12,595
It'll be okay.
228
00:13:12,769 --> 00:13:14,168
It'll be okay.
229
00:13:14,338 --> 00:13:15,635
It'll be okay.
230
00:13:15,806 --> 00:13:17,967
It'll be okay.
231
00:13:18,442 --> 00:13:20,000
(PHONE RINGS)
232
00:13:20,944 --> 00:13:22,969
It's Howard. Ahem.
233
00:13:23,513 --> 00:13:24,810
Howard, hello.
234
00:13:24,982 --> 00:13:27,473
Raj, is that you?
235
00:13:28,619 --> 00:13:30,211
Yeah, I'm here. How are you?
236
00:13:30,387 --> 00:13:33,356
Shh. Shh. Listen to me.
I'm not gonna make it.
237
00:13:33,523 --> 00:13:36,458
No, don't say that,
you're going to be all right.
238
00:13:36,627 --> 00:13:38,788
Raj, I don't have time.
Now, pay attention.
239
00:13:39,496 --> 00:13:43,728
My last wish
is that you look after Bernadette.
240
00:13:43,900 --> 00:13:46,334
Of course. Of course.
241
00:13:47,504 --> 00:13:50,234
Now when you say "look after,"
you mean...
242
00:13:50,607 --> 00:13:52,234
Sexually.
243
00:13:52,409 --> 00:13:55,139
Excuse me, Bernadette,
I have to hear it from him.
244
00:13:56,146 --> 00:13:58,239
Sexually.
245
00:13:58,782 --> 00:13:59,908
Got it. Take care.
246
00:14:02,052 --> 00:14:05,647
I guess I have no choice but to make
sweet, guilt-free love to you...
247
00:14:05,822 --> 00:14:08,757
...for the rest of my life.
- That's how I heard it.
248
00:14:15,465 --> 00:14:17,023
Or it could be "syfee."
249
00:14:17,567 --> 00:14:20,934
- What?
- S-Y-F-Y. "Syfee."
250
00:14:21,471 --> 00:14:22,961
Oh, right.
251
00:14:23,140 --> 00:14:24,698
Good one.
252
00:14:27,344 --> 00:14:32,213
- Did you go over the scene I gave you?
- Yes. I didn't care for it.
253
00:14:33,917 --> 00:14:37,409
Okay, Cat on a Hot Tin Roof
is an American classic.
254
00:14:37,587 --> 00:14:40,579
So is the McRib sandwich.
I don't care for that, either.
255
00:14:42,759 --> 00:14:46,593
Ahem. Fine. What would you rather do
as a scene study?
256
00:14:46,797 --> 00:14:47,855
I'm glad you asked.
257
00:14:48,031 --> 00:14:52,365
I took the liberty of adapting
a Star Trek fan fiction novella...
258
00:14:52,536 --> 00:14:55,733
...I wrote when I was 10
into a one-act play.
259
00:14:57,040 --> 00:14:59,235
You think it's better
than Tennessee Williams?
260
00:15:00,177 --> 00:15:03,305
Why don't we leave that
for future generations to decide?
261
00:15:04,448 --> 00:15:07,178
"Where No Sheldon has Gone Before."
262
00:15:07,684 --> 00:15:10,949
It's the story of a young boy
who is transported...
263
00:15:11,121 --> 00:15:15,114
...from the ignorant backwoods
of East Texas to the 23rd century...
264
00:15:15,325 --> 00:15:20,058
...where his genius
is not only appreciated, but celebrated.
265
00:15:20,530 --> 00:15:22,430
KMN.
266
00:15:23,633 --> 00:15:27,694
Now, in this pivotal scene,
Sheldon's mother, played by you...
267
00:15:27,871 --> 00:15:29,270
...argues with an emissary...
268
00:15:29,439 --> 00:15:34,638
...of the United Federation of Planets,
Mr. Spock, the role I will bring to life.
269
00:15:35,645 --> 00:15:39,240
Okay, that's fine, but let's try
and get you out of your comfort zone.
270
00:15:39,750 --> 00:15:41,149
Why would we wanna do that?
271
00:15:41,351 --> 00:15:43,876
It's called the comfort zone
for a reason.
272
00:15:44,287 --> 00:15:46,755
Okay, the whole point
is to loosen you up a little.
273
00:15:46,923 --> 00:15:51,622
I'm thinking, you'll play the role of your
mother and I will bring life to Mr. Spock.
274
00:15:58,368 --> 00:16:00,666
I'm sorry. You'll be Spock?
275
00:16:01,071 --> 00:16:03,631
(AS SPOCK)
It's only logical.
276
00:16:06,676 --> 00:16:08,007
Very well. Ahem.
277
00:16:08,178 --> 00:16:10,373
- I'll set the scene.
- All right.
278
00:16:11,148 --> 00:16:14,345
East Texas. A warm summer night.
279
00:16:14,518 --> 00:16:17,646
A woman, Mary, stands on a porch.
280
00:16:17,821 --> 00:16:20,813
In the distance,
we hear a lonesome train whistle:
281
00:16:20,991 --> 00:16:22,083
(MIMICS TRAIN WHISTLE)
282
00:16:22,259 --> 00:16:24,989
The droning buzz of cicadas:
283
00:16:25,162 --> 00:16:26,459
(BUZZING)
284
00:16:26,630 --> 00:16:29,098
A coyote howls at the moon...
285
00:16:29,266 --> 00:16:31,496
...frightening sensitive young boys
everywhere:
286
00:16:31,668 --> 00:16:32,896
(HOWLS)
287
00:16:33,703 --> 00:16:38,163
- Out in the woods, an owl screeches...
- Okay, we get it. You set the scene.
288
00:16:38,775 --> 00:16:40,072
(HOOTS)
289
00:16:41,511 --> 00:16:43,411
Okay, just read your mother's line.
290
00:16:46,316 --> 00:16:50,343
(AS MOTHER) Shelly. Shelly.
How many times have I told you...
291
00:16:50,520 --> 00:16:53,580
...not to leave your science-y stuff
out on the porch?
292
00:16:54,524 --> 00:16:57,891
Goodness.
I'll never understand that boy.
293
00:16:58,061 --> 00:17:00,621
But then again, I'm a religious nut...
294
00:17:00,797 --> 00:17:04,790
...and my mind is closed
to so many things.
295
00:17:05,669 --> 00:17:08,968
(MIMICS TRANSPORTER)
296
00:17:09,139 --> 00:17:11,937
(AS SPOCK) Spock to Enterprise.
Transport successful.
297
00:17:12,108 --> 00:17:14,269
Glory be to heaven.
298
00:17:14,444 --> 00:17:17,902
Some sort of creature
just manifested out of thin air.
299
00:17:18,081 --> 00:17:20,572
George, put down that Pepsi can
full of bourbon...
300
00:17:20,750 --> 00:17:23,583
...that ain't fooling no one,
and get your shotgun.
301
00:17:24,654 --> 00:17:28,590
Greetings, Mary Cooper.
I am Spock.
302
00:17:31,495 --> 00:17:34,089
(IN NORMAL VOICE)
I'm sorry, I just don't buy it.
303
00:17:34,464 --> 00:17:35,761
(IN NORMAL VOICE)
Just keep going.
304
00:17:37,367 --> 00:17:41,269
(AS MOTHER) Oh, my,
your sudden appearance startles me.
305
00:17:41,471 --> 00:17:44,770
(AS SPOCK) We have been monitoring
your son, Sheldon, from the 23rd century...
306
00:17:44,975 --> 00:17:47,375
...and we've determined
he's now ready to join us.
307
00:17:47,544 --> 00:17:50,411
His unique genius is our best hope
for bringing peace...
308
00:17:50,580 --> 00:17:52,707
...to a vast and troubled galaxy.
309
00:17:52,883 --> 00:17:54,077
I understand.
310
00:17:55,185 --> 00:17:58,848
Oh, Shelly, a man's here
to take you away to the future.
311
00:17:59,022 --> 00:18:01,752
Be sure to pack clean underwear.
312
00:18:02,359 --> 00:18:06,022
(IN NORMAL VOICE) Okay, try that last line
again and this time try choking up a little.
313
00:18:06,897 --> 00:18:09,195
- (IN NORMAL VOICE) Why?
- Well, you're losing your son.
314
00:18:09,366 --> 00:18:14,736
Yes, but he's going to a better place
where he won't get beat up so much.
315
00:18:14,905 --> 00:18:17,965
All right, just try it my way.
Pretend you're sad to see him go.
316
00:18:18,141 --> 00:18:19,768
I'm gonna lead you in. Ahem.
317
00:18:20,544 --> 00:18:23,479
(AS SPOCK) His unique genius
is our best hope for bringing peace...
318
00:18:23,647 --> 00:18:26,115
...to a vast and troubled galaxy.
319
00:18:27,751 --> 00:18:30,515
- (IN NORMAL VOICE) That's your cue.
- I'm sorry, I just love that line.
320
00:18:32,255 --> 00:18:34,382
Even the way you do it.
321
00:18:35,292 --> 00:18:37,192
All right, come on. Put emotion to it.
322
00:18:37,360 --> 00:18:40,261
Blah, blah, blah.
Vast and troubled galaxy, go.
323
00:18:41,798 --> 00:18:45,734
(AS MOTHER) Oh, Shelly,
a man's here to take you away to the future.
324
00:18:45,902 --> 00:18:47,199
(WHIMPERING)
325
00:18:49,973 --> 00:18:52,533
Be sure to pack clean underwear.
326
00:18:52,709 --> 00:18:54,609
That's good, that's good, that's good.
327
00:18:56,313 --> 00:18:58,281
(AS CHILD)
Mommy, why are you crying?
328
00:18:59,049 --> 00:19:01,449
(AS MOTHER)
Because I'm gonna miss you, Shellybean...
329
00:19:01,618 --> 00:19:04,587
...even though you creep the ba-jesus
out of me.
330
00:19:04,988 --> 00:19:06,853
Okay, I guess we're improvising now.
331
00:19:07,057 --> 00:19:11,153
(AS CHILD) Well, I'm sorry, it's not my fault.
I'm just incredibly smart...
332
00:19:11,328 --> 00:19:14,695
...and everyone around here's dumber
than a bag of rocks.
333
00:19:14,864 --> 00:19:17,992
(AS MOTHER) Oh, now, don't
you start crying. You get in that spaceship.
334
00:19:18,168 --> 00:19:19,499
Mommy's late for Indian bingo.
335
00:19:19,669 --> 00:19:21,762
(SOBBING)
336
00:19:23,373 --> 00:19:26,865
Mrs. Cooper, hey, it's Penny.
Yeah, I think I broke your son.
337
00:19:27,377 --> 00:19:29,311
Hold on. Talk to your mother.
338
00:19:30,113 --> 00:19:32,445
(IN NORMAL VOICE)
Mommy, I love you.
339
00:19:32,616 --> 00:19:35,847
Don't let Spock take me to the future.
340
00:19:42,826 --> 00:19:45,158
Raj, I know you've been avoiding me
and Howard...
341
00:19:45,328 --> 00:19:49,025
...and I'm not leaving until you tell me
what's going on inside that head.
342
00:19:54,938 --> 00:19:58,396
(BOLLYWOOD MUSIC
PLAYING ON SPEAKERS)
343
00:19:58,575 --> 00:20:02,671
(SINGING) Like the wild elephant
I am trumpeting my love for you
344
00:20:02,846 --> 00:20:07,180
(SINGING) Like a hidden flower
My sweet fragrance comes into view
345
00:20:16,426 --> 00:20:20,385
My heart burns for you
Like the sun at noon
346
00:20:20,563 --> 00:20:24,863
My desert welcomes you
Like the rainy monsoon
347
00:20:25,035 --> 00:20:26,798
You are my heart
348
00:20:26,970 --> 00:20:29,131
My universe
349
00:20:29,305 --> 00:20:30,966
You are my heart
350
00:20:31,141 --> 00:20:33,575
My universe
351
00:20:33,743 --> 00:20:35,904
RAJ & BERNADETTE:
My universe
352
00:20:36,079 --> 00:20:37,740
ALL (SINGING):
You are my heart
353
00:20:37,914 --> 00:20:40,314
My universe
354
00:20:40,483 --> 00:20:42,246
You are my heart
355
00:20:42,452 --> 00:20:44,647
My universe
356
00:20:44,821 --> 00:20:46,482
You are my heart
357
00:20:46,656 --> 00:20:49,056
My universe
358
00:20:49,225 --> 00:20:52,717
My universe
359
00:21:00,370 --> 00:21:04,306
Dance number aside, I'm so not gay.
29769
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