All language subtitles for Nick Swardsons Pretend Time s02e06_English

( rock music playing )

* P-R-E-T-E-N-D
T-I-M-E *

* P-R-E-T-E-N-D T-I-M-E

- * THIS IS AN EMERGENCY.
- ( applause and cheering )

WELCOME BACK

* TO "PRETEND TIME"
WITH BRAD PITT. *

I'M JUST LIKE--
LEVELS OF FAME AMAZE ME.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
LIKE, WHENEVER I THINK ABOUT

BEING LIKE
PSYCHOTICALLY FAMOUS,

LIKE,
I ALWAYS, LIKE,
WONDER, LIKE,

WHAT WOULD IT JUST BE LIKE
TO BE JOHNNY DEPP?

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
YOU EVER THINK ABOUT THAT?

LIKE, JUST LEVELS OF FAME,
WHERE I'M JUST LIKE--

WHAT DOES JOHNNY DEPP DO,
LIKE, EVERY DAY?

YOU JUST WAKE UP
AND YOU'RE THAT -- AWESOME.

YOU JUST LOOK AMAZING,
EVERYONE LOVES YOU.

AND IF I WERE JOHNNY DEPP--

IF I JUST HAD A COUPLE
OF DAYS BEING JOHNNY DEPP--

LIKE, HE'S SO FAMOUS
AND LOVED THAT HE COULD

WAKE UP-- JUST WAKE UP
IN CALIFORNIA ONE DAY

AND JUST BE
LIKE, "YOU KNOW WHAT?
I'M GONNA GO TO THE AIRPORT."

PICK ANY STATE.
ANY STATE.

JUST FLY TO ALABAMA,
JUST GET OFF THE PLANE,

GET IN A CAR,
JUST DRIVE OUT

IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE.
JUST GO OUT OF, LIKE, SUBURBS

SOME LITTLE TOWN--
MAYBE IT'S 7:00 AT NIGHT.

IT'S LIKE DINNERTIME.
JUST WALK IT.

PULL UP IN FRONT OF SOME HOUSE,
JUST WALK RIGHT IN.

HE DOESN'T KNOW THESE PEOPLE.
JUST WALK RIGHT IN.

DINNERTIME, NICE FAMILY,
A COUPLE KIDS,

A DOG, EVERYONE
SITTING DOWN TO DINNER.

HE DOESN'T KNOCK.
HE'S JOHNNY DEPP.

HE JUST WALKS RIGHT
INTO THE HOUSE.

JUST WALKS RIGHT
INTO THE DINING ROOM,
JUST WALKS IN.

JUST LIKE,
"WHAT'S UP, YOU GUYS?

I'M JOHNNY DEPP.

WHO WANTS TO SMELL
MY PENIS?"

TWO SECONDS,
THAT WHOLE FAMILY'S
SMELLING HIS PENIS.

BUT LIKE, YOU'RE THAT FAMOUS,
YOU CAN JUST DO SOMETHING
LIKE THAT.

MERYL STREEP,
SHE COULD DO THAT.

SHE COULD WALK INTO A CONVENT.
SHE BE LIKE,

( falsetto )
"WHO WANTS TO SMELL
MY BOOB SWEAT?"

ALL THOSE NUNS ARE LIKE,
"ALL RIGHT, WELL, WE DON'T

SUPPORT THAT,
BUT YOU ARE MERYL STREEP

AND WE DON'T MIND
THE SMELL OF BOOB SWEAT.

SO WE'RE JUST GONNA
LINE UP HERE AND GET
A WHIFF OF SOME BOOBS."

THEY'D DO SHOTS
OF HER BOOB SWEAT.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
THEY'RE LIKE,

"'DEVIL WEARS PRADA,' DONE!"

BY THE WAY, THIS IS A MAKE-UP
OF ME AND JOHNNY DEPP

IF WE EVER HAD A SON.

THERE'S JOHNNY DEPP
AND THERE'S NICK DEPP.

HOW AWFUL IS THAT?

NICK DEPP IS AWFUL.

I CANNOT PULL THAT LOOK OFF.
LOOK AT THAT GUY.

THAT'S A TERRIBLE PERSON.
GO BACK TO JOHNNY DEPP.

GO BACK TO JOHNNY DEPP.
LOOK AT THAT GUY!

WHAT A BADASS!
GO BACK TO NICK DEPP.

NO!
GO AWAY.

STAY AWAY
FROM MY DAUGHTER.

MACE-- WHO'S GOT MACE?

MACE NICK DEPP.
GET HIM OUTTA HERE.

Man:
KEEP IT GOING FOR
YOUR EMCEE MR. TONY KINCAID.

ALL RIGHTY,
ALL RIGHTY.

WELL, OUR HEADLINER TONIGHT
IS A MAGIC HOUSE FAVORITE.

SO HELP ME WELCOME
TO THE STAGE DAN PRESTO.

( cheering )

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
I'D LIKE TO START OFF

WITH A VERY BASIC TRICK.

- DOES ANYONE HERE
HAVE A $20 BILL?
- I DO!

SIR, PLEASE WRITE
YOUR NAME ON THAT BILL.

- THERE YOU ARE, SIR.
- THANK YOU.

NOW WATCH THIS.
I SAY, "DANNO PRESTO,"

- AND THAT BILL IS GONE!
- OH, THAT'S A GOOD TRICK!

YEAH?
IT'S SILLY.

- ALL RIGHT, GUYS--
- NO! OKAY, CAN I HAVE
MY MONEY BACK NOW?

RELAX, MALCOLM.
IT'S JUST A MAGIC SHOW.

WELL, IT'S $20, HONEY.

AND NOW-- CARDS!

MA'AM, PLEASE TAKE
A CARD OUT OF THIS DECK.

SHOW THE AUDIENCE,
BUT DO NOT SHOW ME.

NOW KINDLY PLACE IT
RIGHT BACK IN THE DECK.

NOW I DO WHAT I LIKE
TO CALL A DAN DOUBLE-TAP.

ONE TWO,
CHECK YOUR UNDERWEAR, MA'AM.

WHAT?

WHAT DID YOU
JUST SAY TO MY WIFE?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

- UH--
- HONEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

- SERIOUSLY, YOU DON'T
HAVE TO DO THIS.
- HERE IT IS.

OH HO HO!

MAN, THIS GUY IS GOOD!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING
WITH THAT CARD UP
IN YOUR PANTIES?

I DON'T KNOW!
IT'S JUST A TRICK.

HEY, MAGIC MAN, UM--
KINDA COOL OUT
A LITTLE BIT THERE.

THAT WENT A LITTLE FAR,
THAT LAST TRICK, OKAY?

SIR, WHY DON'T YOU TAKE
THE STICK OUT OF YOUR ASS?

NO NO NO, I DON'T.
I'M JUST A LITTLE MAD, OKAY?

BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, YOU TOOK
$20 FROM ME IN THE BEGINNING
OF THE SHOW,

AND NOW YOU'RE STUFFING CARDS UP
MY WIFE'S PANTIES, THAT'S ALL.

SIR, I'M NOT SAYING YOU'RE MAD.
I'M SAYING WHY DON'T YOU TAKE
THE STICK OUT OF YOUR ASS?

- STAND UP AND CHECK!
- I COULD NOT HAVE A--

HEY, THERE'S SOMETHING
UP THERE, HONEY.

- SWEETIE.
- ( groans )

( laughter, cheers )

HUH.

YOU KNOW,
THIS GUY IS GOOD!

EVEN THE CRAP ON THE END
OF THE STICK LOOKS REAL.

IS THAT CRAP, SIR?
OR IS THAT CHOCOLATE PUDDING?

YOU KNOW, I DO LIKE
CHOCOLATE PUDDING.

OH!
( coughs )

THAT'S DEFINITELY
NOT PUDDING.

- NOT YET IT ISN'T.
- ( groans )

BUT GIVE ME THIS AND I GO,
"DANNO PRESTO FERRAGAMO."

WHEW.

BAH!

( coughs )
OH MY GOSH!

I CAN'T BELIEVE I FELL
FOR THAT TWICE!

I CAN'T BELIEVE
YOU MISPLACED YOUR WATCH.

Man: NO WAY.

AND, MA'AM, FEEL FREE
TO KEEP YOUR UNDERPANTS ON.

MY PANTIES DISAPPEARED.

- WHAT?!
- BUT WAIT, THERE'S
SOMETHING ELSE INSIDE THERE.

UH-- IT WAS THE $20 BILL.

- SAME ONE!
- THIS GUY IS GOOD.

THAT'S ENOUGH, HOUDINI!

I WANT TO KNOW WHERE
MY WIFE'S PANTIES ARE

- RIGHT NOW!
- YOU KNOW WHO CAN
ANSWER THAT QUESTION?

THAT MAN RIGHT THERE.
SIR, WHERE ARE YOUR PANTIES?

( chuckles )
IT'S NO-- OH.

OH HO HO!
THEY'RE THERE.

AND THEY'VE DEFINITELY
BEEN WORN!

AND, MA'AM,
CHECK YOUR VAGINA.

- NO.
- IT WAS INSIDE ME.

- THAT'S MY CONDOM!
- Husband: THAT'S ENOUGH!

YOU GIVE ME BACK MY WIFE'S
PANTIES OR I'LL KILL YOU.

- ( gunshots )
- OH MY GOD, YOU SHOT HIM!

HONEY, I DIDN'T SHOOT HIM.
I DON'T EVEN HAVE A GUN, PEOPLE.

OH, YOU DON'T?
WHAT'S IN YOUR JACKET POCKET?

- WHAT THE HECK?
- ( gasps )

OH, THIS GUY
IS GOOD.

MY GOD, HONEY, I DON'T
KNOW WHAT-- I DON'T KNOW
WHERE THIS CAME FROM.

- LET'S GET OUTTA HERE
BEFORE HE CALLS THE COPS.
- TOO LATE-- PRESTO POLICE!

WHAT?
YOU SET ME UP, PRESTO!

- YOU--
- AH! OH.

- I'M OKAY.
- HOW ARE YOU OKAY?

- I SHOT YOU IN THE FACE.
- DID YOU SHOOT ME IN THE FACE,

OR DID YOU SHOOT ME
IN MY PENIS HOLE?

( gasps, laughs )

THANK YOU, EVERYONE.
HAVE A MAGICAL EVENING.

SERIOUSLY,
I JUST ONLY HAD JUST,
LIKE, THREE BEERS.

DON'T WORRY.
YOU'LL SLEEP IT OFF
IN THE CELL.

YOU CAN POST BAIL
IN THE MORNING.

SPOILER ALERT:
HE'S GONNA HAVE SEX
WITH YOU.

WITH YOU.

COMING SOON TO A.B.C.,
A SPECIAL TELEVISION EVENT.

WELCOME TO PEELER'S
STRIP CLUB:

A PLACE WHERE
SOPHISTICATED GENTLEMEN
COME TO GET CREEPY

AND THE PRINCESS
OF THE POLE IS JONBENET.

BUT HER REIGN MAY BE
IN JEOPARDY BECAUSE
SHE'S GOT A PROBLEM

SHE CAN'T
GRIND HER WAY OUT OF.

JonBenét:
WHAT'S WRONG
WITH PINKBERRY?

I FIRED HER 'CAUSE HER TITS
ARE TOO SMALL.

Announcer:
NOW ONLY ONE PERSON CAN
HELP HER-- THE MAGICAL NEGRO

WHO WAS PUT HERE ON EARTH
TO HELP THE BLONDE-HAIRED
BLUE-EYED DEVILS.

- DON'T TELL ME
THEY FIRED YOU TOO?
- NO, SWEETHEART.

I'M RETIRING.
BEING A BATHROOM ATTENDANT'S
A YOUNG MAN'S GAME.

WELL, IN THAT CASE
I'LL SNEAK YOU ONE DANCE.

THAT DANCE ISN'T
FOR ME, DARLING.
IT'S FOR YOU.

HUH?

Announcer:
THANKS TO HIS STREETWISE
NEGRO MAGIC

AND HER BULIMIA,
JONBENET IS LIGHT ENOUGH

TO BECOME
THE FLYING STRIPPER.

AND WITH GREAT POWER
COMES GREAT RESPONSIBILITY.

- FUNDRAISER FOR FAKE BOOBS!
- WHOO!

Announcer:
LIKE ALL STRIPPERS,

SHE WAS SEXUALLY VIOLATED
GROWING UP,

BUT NOW SHE VIOLATES
THE LAWS OF GRAVITY.

( kids screaming )

- YOU CAN'T EVEN
TELL THEY'RE FAKE.
- NO, NOT AT ALL.

Announcer:
JONBENET ALWAYS GIVES
BACK TO THE COMMUNITY.

SOMEONE CUT OFF THE CLUB'S
SUPPLY OF HEROIN.

DEALING DRUGS IS THE ONLY THING
THAT KEEPS THIS PLACE OPEN.

I CAN FLY DRUGS
OVER THE MEXICAN BORDER
ON MY FLYING POLE.

YOU CAN BRING BACK
MORE DRUGS AND MORE
FAKE TITS.

- ( cheering )
- YOU'RE WELCOME.

Announcer:
BUT NOT IF ORVILLE,
THE GLUE-SNIFFING STRIPPER,

- HAS ANYTHING TO DO WITH IT.
- OH, I'LL BEAT JONBENET
TO MEXICO.

- THEN I'LL TAKE
OVER THE HEROIN TRADE.
- ( engine starts )

- ( engine stalls )
- ( screams )

Announcer:
TAKE OFF AND TAKE IT ALL OFF

WITH "THE FLYING STRIPPER."

OH, WE HAVEN'T BEEN
TO THE MOVIES IN FOREVER.

I KNOW.
I'M REALLY GLAD
WE DID THIS.

- I THINK I KNOW THIS GUY.
- YEAH, I KNOW, ME TOO.

HEY, I'M SORRY
TO BOTHER YOU,

BUT DO I--
DO WE KNOW EACH OTHER?

- WE WERE JUST SAYING
THE SAME THING.
- OKAY, GOOD.

I WAS GONNA SAY.
DO YOU BELONG TO
THE GOLD'S GYM ON FRANKLIN?

NO NO, WE DON'T.

ARE YOU INVOLVED WITH
THE COMMUNITY GARDEN WALK?

- WITH BRAND PARK?
- NO, I'M NOT.

UM, DO YOU BUY GOLD FILLINGS
OFF CRAIGSLIST?

I DON'T, NO.
OH--

ONCE A MONTH I READ STORIES
FOR THE CHILDREN'S STORY TIME

- AT THE BRAND LIBRARY.
- OOH, BY LAW I'M NOT ALLOWED
TO GO THERE.

UM, YOU'RE SURE YOU DON'T
BELONG TO THAT GYM?

I'M ALWAYS IN THE STEAM ROOM.
I SNORT VIAGRA.

I ALWAYS HAVE A BONER.
I HAVE A TATTOO ON MY BALLSACK

- OF A VAGINA.
- WE DON'T GO TO THAT GYM.

ARE YOU SURE?
LOOK AT THIS PICTURE.

THAT'S MY --,
THERE'S MY BALLS,
THAT'S A VA--

( whispers )
HONEY, LET'S MOVE
SOMEWHERE ELSE.

FARMER'S MARKET.

- NO.
- OKAY.

- DILDO FESTIVAL.
- NO.

- HAVE YOU EVER BEEN
TO COLOR ME MINE?
- THE POTTERY PLACE!

- Both: YES!
- I'VE GAY-BASHED THERE
IN THE PARKING LOT.

- IS THAT WHAT YOU MEAN?
- NO.

DID YOU SELL ME
AN ICE CREAM TRUCK

WHERE THE DOORS LOCKED
ON THE INSIDE?

Both:
HMM-MM.

- ST. MARY'S CHURCH?
- THE GAY BAR?

- THE CHURCH.
- ST. MARY'S CHURCH?

OH, I THOUGHT YOU SAID
ST. GARY'S PERCH.

- I DON'T--
WHAT'S HAPPENING TO ME?
- THIS IS CRAZY,

BUT YOUR GIRLFRIEND
AND MY WIFE LOOK SO ALIKE.

- OH!
- IS IT-- MAYBE THAT'S
WHAT IT IS.

THE 69 SHOW--
THE GIRAFFE SHOW
WHERE SHE WORKS.

IT'S A MAGIC SHOW.
THEY STUFF KITTENS IN --.

- ALL RIGHT.
- OH, I-- NO.

WHERE DO YOU SUCKER PUNCH
BLIND PEOPLE?

- I'VE NEVER DONE THAT.
- DEAF PEOPLE?

OKAY, I THOUGHT
WE KNEW YOU, BUT WE DON'T.

NO, WE DO.
I KNOW THAT FACE, MAN.

I'M NOT GONNA BE ABLE TO WATCH
THE MOVIE IF WE DON'T GET THIS.

- I'M NOT GOING TO EITHER.
- WHERE DO YOU BUY AIDS?

- EGGS?
- AIDS.

- NOWHERE!
- WE DON'T BUY--

- WHERE DO YOU BUY AIDS EGGS?
- SOME WOMEN HAVE AIDS

- SO THEY ALSO HAVE AIDS EGGS.
- I KNOW SOME WOMEN HAVE AIDS.

- ( whistles )
- HI.

- OH MY GOD.
- OH MY GOD, WE GOTTA
FIGURE THIS OUT, RIGHT?

- IT'S DRIVING YOU CRAZY.
OH MY GOSH.
- Man: YEAH.

IT IS DRIVING ME CRAZY,
DEFINITELY.

DID YOU USED TO
WORK AT A THINK TANK
AT AMERICAN GREETINGS?

NO, I DID INTERN

AT A STINK TANK
AT AMERICAN FECES.

I GOT IT, I GOT IT!
DONNY-- HE LIVES IN LOS FELIZ--

- HE MAKES
PUBIC-HAIR SNOWMEN...
- NO.

...AND HE HAS A CANNON
THAT SHOOTS SEMEN.

- SHOOTS IT HARD INTO YOUR FACE.
- DO YOU TAKE COOKING CLASSES?

I THINK I TOOK A MOROCCAN
COOKING CLASS WITH YOU
AT THE COMMUNITY CENTER.

NO, THAT'S NOT IT.

- WE SHOULD CHECK ON THE CAR.
- DO YOU DO YOGA?

I DON'T!
DO YOU -- GUYS
FOR GASOLINE?

- NO!
- IT'S EXPENSIVE THESE DAYS.

- NO NO, BACK WHEN
IT WAS A DOLLAR.
- NO, WE DON'T DO THAT.

OKAY, ALL RIGHT,
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

WHERE DO YOU BUY PORTA-POTTIES
AFTER A MUSIC FESTIVAL

WHEN THEY'RE FULL,
DUMP THEM ON PREGNANT WOMEN

AND THEN LAUGH
WHILE YOU JERK OFF?

WE DON'T GO
TO MUSIC FESTIVALS.

- YOU DON'T? ALL RIGHT.
- NO, WE DON'T.

- DO YOU COLLECT
RARE EGYPTIAN COINS?
- HER DAD DOES.

MY DAD HAS COLLECTED THEM
HIS ENTIRE LIFE.

NO!
WHAT'S YOUR DAD'S NAME?

- DAVID BROWNMAN.
- BROWNMAN.

- WHAT?! THAT'S IT!
- ARE YOU SERIOUS?

- DAVID-- YOU'RE
BIG DAVE'S DAUGHTER.
- YOU'RE KIDDING ME?

- I AM, YES.
- UH, HI-- NICK.

HIS CAREGIVER
AND HIS BATHER

AT GOLDEN BROOK
RETIREMENT HOME.

I'M IN CHARGE OF YOUR DAD'S
DAY-TO-DAY NEEDS.

MY DAD HAS HAD

ALL OF HIS EGYPTIAN
COINS STOLEN

- BY A CAREGIVER.
- WHAT?!

THAT'S TERRIBLE.

WE'LL FIND THE CULPRIT.

SHH!
OH, THE MOVIE'S GONNA START.

( music playing )

- LET'S GO TO THE BATHROOM.
- OKAY.

- Man: THE MOVIE'S STARTING.
- Woman: GET YOUR PHONE OUT!

YOU WANT ME TO GO TRY
AND TALK TO THEM A LITTLE?

YEAH RIGHT.

- ( music playing )
- ( cheering )

WELCOME BACK TO THE SHOW.
BEAUTIFUL CROWD.

YOU GUYS ARE GORGEOUS.
I'M LETTING YOU DOWN.

I LOOK HOMELESS.
YOU GUYS LOOK GORGEOUS.

I SAW A COMMERCIAL
FOR THE OLIVE GARDEN.

AND IT SAID "WHEN YOU'RE HERE,
YOU'RE FAMILY" IS THEIR MOTTO.

SO EVERY TIME I EAT THERE,
I ALWAYS ACCUSE THE WAITER
OF MOLESTING ME.

SO HERE'S A COUPLE MORE
PRODUCTS FROM THE SHOW.

THESE ARE COMMERCIALS
THAT DID NOT MAKE IT

TO AIR.
THE FIRST ONE...

THE THROILET.
IT'S A THROILET.

- IT'S A THRONE TOILET.
- YEAH YEAH!

AND THIS MIGHT BE
IN STORES SOMEDAY.

AND OUR MOTTO IS--
THIS IS THE MOTTO--

"BE THE KING
OF YOUR STINK."

THIS GUY LEFT --
FOR SURE.

I CAN TELL.
BUT WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?

IT'S LIKE YOU'RE
SO COCKY ABOUT YOUR --.

YOU KNOW, IT'S LIKE,
"I NEED MORE TIME!"

THAT'S THE DUMBEST THING EVER.
SO DUMB.

YOU GUYS,
I'LL EMAIL YOU THAT PHOTO.

ALL RIGHT,
THIS IS ANOTHER PRODUCT
THAT'S NOT GONNA MAKE IT.

THE-- THE ELECTRIC TOILET.

JUST IN CASE-- 'CAUSE IF
YOU GET ELECTROCUTED,

YOU'RE GONNA -- YOURSELF,
SO THIS IS TO SPARE YOU
THAT EMBARRASSMENT.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF THEY
ELECTROCUTE PEOPLE ANYMORE.

IT'S IF YOU HAVE A TIME MACHINE
AND YOU GO BACK. WHATEVER.

THIS NEXT ONE'S
ONE OF MY FAVORITES.

TALKING ABOUT TOO LAZY
TO RUN CHARITY,

THIS IS SHOES THAT
ARE 26 MILES LONG.

SO YOU JUST TAKE ONE STEP,
YOU JUST RAN A MARATHON.

ONE STEP-- BOOM!

DONE.
26-MILE SHOES.

ALL RIGHT,
ENJOY THIS NEXT SKETCH.

It's gorgeous.

* WHEN YOU WAKE UP AND YOU ARE
STILL A LITTLE SLEEPY *

* POUR YOURSELF
SOME CREEPIOS *

* AND START
YOUR MORNING CREEPY. *

- HEY KIDS!
- ( laughter )

CREEPIOS!

WOW, MR. CREEPY.

HE'S THE BEST.

GOOD MORNING, BILLY.
HOW ARE YOUR DREAMS?

Announcer:
AND DON'T FORGET
THIS HOLIDAY SEASON.

THIS THANKSGIVING,
FILL YOUR TURKEY WITH
PILGRIM RANDY STUFFING.

- WHAT?
- NOBODY STUFFS
A TURKEY LIKE RANDY.

HOW COULD YOU
DO THAT TO ME?

- CREEPIOS MAKES
A BETTER STUFFING!
- ( kids laugh )

CREEPIO,
CEREAL IS FOR BREAKFAST,
NOT THANKSGIVING DINNER.

- YEAH.
- SILLY!

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

YEAH, CREEPIO, LET THIS FAMILY
GIVE THANKS THE RIGHT WAY.

CEREAL FOR BREAKFAST IS STUPID.
LET'S CUT THE TURKEY.

HOW ABOUT I CUT YOU?

GIVE THANKS
TO YOUR SEVERED HEAD.
( giggles )

CREEPIO, STOP IT!
YOU'RE BEING INAPPROPRIATE.

I JUST WANT
TO BE ENJOYED TOO.

MAYBE I COULD BE GRAVY.

WHAT A STUPID
CEREAL FREAK!

WHAT DID YOU SAY?

HOWDY, PILGRIM!

( laughter )

DAMN IT, CREEPIO!
GO AWAY!

DAD?

HUH, I JUST WANTED
TO GIVE THANKS TOO.

I'M TIRED OF CREEPIO
BULLYING EVERYONE,

TRYING TO BE IN EVERY MEAL.

IT'S THE
LAND-OF-THE-LAKES-BUTTER
INDIAN.

( whimpers )

BUT THE CREEPIOS
IS THE -- BEST!

- ( grunts )
- ( giggles )

- ( groans )
- ( sobs )

- ( laughing )
- ( girl screams )

I JUST SCALPED A PILGRIM!

IT'S ME,
PETEY PUMPKIN FOR DESSERT!

OH --!
CREEPIO!

- ( screams )
- ( Creepio laughs )

FINE FINE!
WE'LL HAVE CREEPIOS
FOR THANKSGIVING.

JUST STOP KILLING
FOOD CHARACTERS, ALL RIGHT?

THANK YOU!
( giggles )

GIVE THANKS!
( giggles )

ISN'T THIS GREAT?
HAPPY THANKSGIVING, AMERICA!

YOU'RE THE BEST!
YOU NEED SOME MORE GRAVY, DAD.

Announcer:
EAT CREEPIOS--
NOW FOR THANKSGIVING.

ACTUALLY, EVERY HOLIDAY.

* POUR YOURSELF
SOME CREEPIOS *

* AND START
YOUR MORNING CREEPY. *

Hello, I'm Linda Martin.
We have breaking news

about a missing woman
in Taylor County.

We go live to our reporter
in the field, Chip Paneling.

- Chip.
- Thank you, Linda.

I am here off route 16
in Gilmore Crossing

where a massive search is
underway for Doreen Blake,

a woman who disappeared
last night after fleeing
the pickup truck

of her estranged husband
Billy Blake.

The couple were last seen
fighting at a local bar.

We're about a mile or so
here from the search area,

- but I--
- ( shovel digging )

Um, okay, it looks like
we've got somebody

searching.

Uh, excuse me, sir!
Are you part of
the search party?

Sir!

How are you doing, sir?

Are you part
of the search party
for Doreen Blake?

- Yeah.
- Chip, that looks
quite suspicious.

Don't you think you
should notify the police?

Uh, no, Linda, I don't.

Because the police are out
searching for a missing woman.

Anyway,
thanks for helping.

Chip, I believe that man is
in fact the estranged husband

- of Doreen Blake.
- Oh! I believe you're right.

Mr. Blake,
Mr. Billy Blake, right?

Yeah.

Well, I just want
to say that everyone here
at Channel 12 News,

we're very sorry for you.

And you are in our prayers.

- Thank you.
- So, Linda, it appears

that Billy Blake here
has expanded the search

and is out here,
I guess, obviously

digging around
in hopes of locating

his beloved ex-wife.
Am I right about that?

Uh, uh-- yeah.

Chip, aren't you concerned
about the bag on the ground
in the shape of a female body?

Uh yeah.
What's in the bag, Billy?

It's, um, uh--

uh, my-- it's a cat.

My-- it's my--
it's a lot of cats,

uh, got rabies
and I gotta bury them.

Chip:
And I take it that's what
scratched your face up.

Mmm, that's why my face
is scratched, right.

- Mm-hmm.
- Chip!

- Whew, ouch.
- Call the police, Chip.

That man is murdering
Doreen Blake.

Um, okay, Linda, we're all
murdering Doreen Blake

- if we don't find her soon.
- Chip, Chip!

- That man-- you are not safe.
- I don't know what your
point is.

- Can we--
- Oh, God, Mr. Blake.

I can't imagine
what you're going through
with the loss of the wife,

the loss of the cats,
cat attack.

- Can someone call the police?!
- ( screaming )

I mean this is just--
oh my god!
It's a rabid--

- Linda, cats are standing
on each other's shoulders...
- Doreen!

- ...like some rabid
cat totem pole.
- ( siren blaring )

- Oh my god,
they are running amok.
- Doreen!

Oh my god, officer,
shoot the rabid cat
totem pole!

- ( gunshots )
- Oh my god.

It's a cat in a totem pole.

- ( gunshots )
- It's gotta be a sign
of the apocalypse.

Rabid cat totem pole.

Thanks, Chip.

I'm sure it'll be fine.

Coming up next
a San Bernardino woman
gives birth to a constellation

named Justin.
We'll be right back.

THANKS FOR
TUNING IN TO ANOTHER SHOW.

- ( music playing )
- IT MEANS THE WORLD TO ME.

I HOPED YOU LAUGHED.
IF YOU DIDN'T,

THEN YOU'RE
A GAY ROBOT.

WE'VE GOTTA FIGURE THIS OUT.
I THINK I'VE GOT IT.

THERE'S A VIRAL VIDEO--
A GUY MAKES ELDERLY PEOPLE

DO NAKED PYRAMIDS
AND THEN PUNCHES THEM DOWN.

- NO.
- THAT WOULDN'T EXPLAIN
WHY I KNOW YOU...

- Man: NOT AT ALL.
- ...BUT THAT WOULD EXPLAIN
WHY YOU MIGHT KNOW ME.