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1
00:00:02,670 --> 00:00:04,810
**
2
00:00:04,838 --> 00:00:06,338
YOU KNOW,
FOR THREE WEEKS NOW,
3
00:00:06,374 --> 00:00:08,484
I HAVE HAD AN IMPOSSIBLE
TIME GETTING THROUGH
4
00:00:08,509 --> 00:00:11,149
TO THE LOVE OF MY LIFE,
MY LITTLE KETZELE,
5
00:00:11,179 --> 00:00:14,779
MY NINE-YEAR-OLD
GRANDSON, CHRISTIAN.
6
00:00:14,815 --> 00:00:17,185
MY SON AND HIS HORRIBLE,
FILIPINO WIFE
7
00:00:17,218 --> 00:00:20,418
BOUGHT CHRISTIAN
A CELL PHONE FOR HANUKAH.
8
00:00:20,454 --> 00:00:21,594
HAVE YOU EVER?
9
00:00:21,622 --> 00:00:23,562
A NINE-YEAR-OLD
WITH A CELL PHONE?
10
00:00:23,591 --> 00:00:24,761
(sighs)
11
00:00:24,792 --> 00:00:25,832
BEFORE YOU KNOW IT,
12
00:00:25,859 --> 00:00:28,659
HE'LL BE DESIGNING MALWARE
FOR THE NORTH KOREANS.
13
00:00:28,696 --> 00:00:30,326
(sighs)
14
00:00:30,364 --> 00:00:33,504
I CALL HIM.
I CALL HIM, DAY AND NIGHT.
15
00:00:33,534 --> 00:00:35,744
HE DOESN'T RETURN
A SINGLE CALL.
16
00:00:35,769 --> 00:00:38,169
BUT, I'LL KEEP TRYING.
17
00:00:38,206 --> 00:00:40,466
I KNOW HE CARES
ABOUT HIS GRANDMA.
18
00:00:40,508 --> 00:00:43,208
HOW DO I GET THIS TO--
(beeping)
19
00:00:43,244 --> 00:00:45,684
HOW DO I GET
THIS THING TO WORK?
20
00:00:45,713 --> 00:00:46,613
OH, I PUSHED
THE WRONG BUTTON.
21
00:00:46,647 --> 00:00:49,277
(clicks tongue)
OH, HOW DO I GO BACK?
22
00:00:49,317 --> 00:00:53,387
EH, FIVE-NINE-THREE-EIGHT.
23
00:00:54,822 --> 00:00:56,862
(phone ringing)
24
00:00:56,890 --> 00:00:58,730
OOH, IT'S RINGING.
25
00:01:00,894 --> 00:01:02,334
(Christian on recording)
HEY, THIS IS CHRISTIAN.
26
00:01:02,363 --> 00:01:03,133
(sighs)
27
00:01:03,164 --> 00:01:04,804
LEAVE A MESSAGE
AFTER THE BEEP.
28
00:01:04,832 --> 00:01:07,842
9-11 WAS AN INSIDE JOB!
(beep)
29
00:01:07,868 --> 00:01:11,568
HELLO, MY LITTLE MOKUSKA.
IT'S ME, YOUR BUBALA.
30
00:01:11,605 --> 00:01:13,335
UH, LISTEN,
I KNOW YOU'RE BUSY.
31
00:01:13,374 --> 00:01:15,144
I'M TRYIN' TO GIVE
YOU YOUR SPACE.
32
00:01:15,176 --> 00:01:17,546
I'VE ONLY CALLED 47 TIMES
IN THE LAST THREE WEEKS
33
00:01:17,578 --> 00:01:19,808
WITH A ZERO RATE OF RETURN.
34
00:01:19,847 --> 00:01:22,817
BUT, CALL ME.
I HAVE SOMETHING VERY
EXCITING TO TELL YOU.
35
00:01:22,850 --> 00:01:25,820
I MET THE, UH, THE-THE SINGER
THE OTHER DAY.
36
00:01:25,853 --> 00:01:27,193
UH, WHAT'S HIS NAME?
37
00:01:27,221 --> 00:01:28,591
UH, OH, BIEBER.
38
00:01:28,622 --> 00:01:30,592
YEAH, HE TOOK ME
OUT TO LUNCH,
39
00:01:30,624 --> 00:01:34,404
AND, UH, AND WE KIBITZ OVER
A SLICE OF BOSTON CREAM PIE.
40
00:01:34,428 --> 00:01:36,298
UH, NICE GUY.
41
00:01:36,330 --> 00:01:38,230
UH, JEALOUS MUCH?
42
00:01:39,900 --> 00:01:40,570
(beep)
43
00:01:40,601 --> 00:01:42,371
I LIED--
LITTLE WHITE LIE.
44
00:01:42,403 --> 00:01:44,143
I NEVER MET BIEBER,
45
00:01:44,172 --> 00:01:46,212
AND I DON'T THINK
I WOULD WANT TO.
46
00:01:46,240 --> 00:01:48,210
HE THINKS HE'S BLACK.
47
00:01:48,242 --> 00:01:49,212
YOU KNOW,
ALL THESE KIDS TODAY,
48
00:01:49,243 --> 00:01:51,213
THEY THINK
THEY'RE BLACK...
49
00:01:51,245 --> 00:01:54,175
ESPECIALLY
THE BLACK ONES.
50
00:01:54,215 --> 00:01:57,315
* LA LA LA LA LA,
LA LA LA LA LA *
51
00:01:57,351 --> 00:02:00,551
* LA LA LA LA LA LA
LA LA *
52
00:02:00,588 --> 00:02:04,288
* LA LA LA LA LA,
LA LA LA LA LA *
53
00:02:04,325 --> 00:02:06,785
* LA LA LA LA LA
LA LA *
54
00:02:06,827 --> 00:02:13,827
**
55
00:02:14,502 --> 00:02:17,812
* LA LA LA LA LA LA,
LA LA LA LA LA *
56
00:02:17,838 --> 00:02:22,508
* LA LA LA LA LA LA
LA LA *
57
00:02:22,543 --> 00:02:29,553
**
58
00:02:35,689 --> 00:02:37,959
( Gigi)
I MADE LOVE TO BOBBY DARIN.
59
00:02:37,991 --> 00:02:40,731
HE WAS WILD FOR ME.
WE HAD MUTUAL FRIENDS.
60
00:02:40,761 --> 00:02:43,861
HE WAS A SINGER, NO?
HE WAS A SINGER.
YEAH, BOBBY DARIN.
61
00:02:43,897 --> 00:02:44,927
YEAH, "MAC THE KNIFE."
62
00:02:44,965 --> 00:02:46,695
(woman)
THE KNIFE, YEAH.
( Gigi)
YEAH.
63
00:02:46,734 --> 00:02:48,844
HAVE YOU PLAYED
THIS BEFORE, GIGI?
64
00:02:48,869 --> 00:02:49,899
YES, I'VE PLAYED BEFORE.
65
00:02:49,937 --> 00:02:51,407
HAVE YOU?
66
00:02:51,439 --> 00:02:53,769
UH, A LONG TIME AGO,
BEFORE I HAD A STROKE,
67
00:02:53,807 --> 00:02:56,437
SO I HAD TO ASK
HOW TO PLAY, AGAIN.
OH, OH, OKAY.
68
00:02:56,477 --> 00:02:58,947
MY HUSBAND, HAROLD,
I THINK HE HAD A STROKE.
69
00:02:58,979 --> 00:03:01,249
NO ONE KNOWS
WHAT HE DIED OF.
70
00:03:01,282 --> 00:03:03,482
SOMEONE TOLD ME HE
DIED OF AGGRAVATION
71
00:03:03,517 --> 00:03:05,317
BECAUSE I AGGRAVATED
HIM TO DEATH.
72
00:03:05,353 --> 00:03:06,853
(laughter)
73
00:03:06,887 --> 00:03:08,617
GOOD.
74
00:03:08,656 --> 00:03:10,886
(woman)
WHATEVER IT TAKES.
WHATEVER IT TAKES.
THAT'S RIGHT.
75
00:03:10,924 --> 00:03:14,264
(laughter)
WHATEVER IT TAKES
TO GET RID OF HIM.
76
00:03:14,295 --> 00:03:15,725
( Gigi)
YOU KNOW WHAT
HAPPENED THIS MORNING?
77
00:03:15,763 --> 00:03:16,733
(woman)
WHAT HAPPENED?
78
00:03:16,764 --> 00:03:18,534
MY GRANDSON, I'VE BEEN
TRIED TO REACH HIM NOW
79
00:03:18,566 --> 00:03:19,896
FOR TWO WEEKS.
AHH.
80
00:03:19,933 --> 00:03:22,403
TWO WEEKS, AND EVERY DAY
I LEAVE A MESSAGE,
81
00:03:22,436 --> 00:03:23,896
AND CAN YA IMAGINE HE
DOESN'T CALL ME BACK?
82
00:03:23,937 --> 00:03:25,437
HE'S NINE YEARS OLD.
83
00:03:25,473 --> 00:03:26,913
( woman)
NINE YEARS OLD?
YEAH.
84
00:03:26,940 --> 00:03:28,710
WE USED TO DO SO
MANY THINGS TOGETHER.
85
00:03:28,742 --> 00:03:30,412
AND NOW, HE'S
ALWAYS ON HIS PHONE.
86
00:03:30,444 --> 00:03:32,484
I THINK HE'S LOOKING
AT PORNOGRAPHY.
87
00:03:32,513 --> 00:03:33,913
(clears throat)
88
00:03:33,947 --> 00:03:34,947
HE'S NINE?
89
00:03:34,982 --> 00:03:35,922
OH, NO.
I DON'T THINK SO.
HE'S NINE YEARS OLD.
90
00:03:35,949 --> 00:03:36,749
NINE YEARS OLD, YES.
( woman)
NO.
91
00:03:36,784 --> 00:03:39,354
OH, YES, 'CAUSE
I CAUGHT HIM ONCE.
92
00:03:39,387 --> 00:03:41,587
HE WAS LOOKING
AT SOMETHING AND TO--
93
00:03:41,622 --> 00:03:43,992
AND-AND-AND, LIKE,
GRABBIN' AT HIS PANTS.
94
00:03:44,024 --> 00:03:46,434
( woman)
AHH.
OH, MY GOD, THAT'S--
95
00:03:46,460 --> 00:03:47,760
THAT'S A LITTLE EARLY.
96
00:03:47,795 --> 00:03:49,725
THAT'S REALLY TOO
MUCH FOR NINE YEARS.
97
00:03:49,763 --> 00:03:50,863
( Gigi)
I AGREE.
98
00:03:50,898 --> 00:03:52,428
HIS PARENTS DON'T
DISCIPLINE HIM.
99
00:03:52,466 --> 00:03:54,896
AND I TELL THEM ALWAYS,
"YOU NEED TO DISCIPLINE."
100
00:03:54,935 --> 00:03:56,295
HE'S OUT OF CONTROL.
101
00:03:56,337 --> 00:03:58,367
HE'S A NO GOOD
LITTLE SON OF A BITCH.
102
00:03:58,406 --> 00:04:00,906
AND IF HE CALLS ME--
DID YOU CALL HIM
A SON OF A BITCH?
103
00:04:00,941 --> 00:04:03,011
( Gigi)
WELL, BEHIND HIS BACK--
ONLY BEHIND HIS BACK.
104
00:04:03,043 --> 00:04:04,983
I WOULD NEVER CALL HIM
THAT TO HIS FACE.
105
00:04:05,012 --> 00:04:08,282
TO HIS FACE, I CALL HIM
LOVEY-DOVEY PUDDING AND PEACH.
106
00:04:08,316 --> 00:04:11,286
LOVEY-DOVEY,
PEACH PUDDING, AND PIE.
107
00:04:11,319 --> 00:04:13,019
I USED TO SHOW
HIM MY BODY.
108
00:04:13,053 --> 00:04:14,423
WHEN HE WAS
SIX YEARS OLD,
109
00:04:14,455 --> 00:04:16,985
I THOUGHT IT WAS
FUNNY TO SHOW HIM.
110
00:04:17,024 --> 00:04:18,434
(woman)
YOUR BOOBS.
( Gigi)
TO EXPOSE THE BOOBS.
111
00:04:18,459 --> 00:04:21,059
YEAH, TO SHOW
HIM MY BOOBS.
112
00:04:21,094 --> 00:04:22,834
YOU NEVER DID THAT
WITH YOUR GRANDCHILDREN?
113
00:04:22,863 --> 00:04:23,733
NO.
( woman)
NO.
114
00:04:23,764 --> 00:04:24,774
( Gigi)
NO?
115
00:04:24,798 --> 00:04:26,298
WE HAD A FUNNY RELATIONSHIP.
116
00:04:26,334 --> 00:04:27,404
I LIKE TO SHOCK HIM,
117
00:04:27,435 --> 00:04:30,765
BUT NOW HE SHOCKS ME WITH
HIS BEHAVIOR IS DISGUSTING.
118
00:04:30,804 --> 00:04:32,774
YOU KNOW,
I SEND HIM CARDS.
YEAH.
119
00:04:32,806 --> 00:04:34,306
AND HE NEVER
GETS BACK TO ME.
120
00:04:34,342 --> 00:04:36,712
HE NEVER-- HE NEVER,
UH, SENDS A CARD TO ME.
121
00:04:36,744 --> 00:04:39,884
THAT-- THAT'S NOT SOMETHING
KIDS RELATE TO THESE DAYS.
122
00:04:39,913 --> 00:04:41,783
THEY DON'T SEND
CARDS ANYMORE?
NO.
123
00:04:41,815 --> 00:04:42,715
I USED TO SEND
CARDS TO MY GRAND--
124
00:04:42,750 --> 00:04:44,490
NO, THEY SEND CARDS.
THEY-THEY TEXT MESSAGE.
125
00:04:44,518 --> 00:04:45,848
YOU'VE GOTTA
LEARN HOW TO TEXT.
I KNOW.
126
00:04:45,886 --> 00:04:48,416
I DO LEARN HOW TO TE--
I TRY TO LEARN HOW TO TEXT,
127
00:04:48,456 --> 00:04:51,426
AND IT-IT MAKES ME
SO UPSET BECAUSE THIS--
128
00:04:51,459 --> 00:04:53,459
YOU HAVE AN OLD-- YEAH.
MACHINE, UH,
IT'S A MACHINE.
129
00:04:53,494 --> 00:04:55,364
( woman)
YOU NEED AN UPGRADED PHONE.
130
00:04:55,396 --> 00:04:57,026
YOU'RE TELLING ME
THIS IS NOT A GOOD PHONE?
131
00:04:57,064 --> 00:04:58,634
YEAH, THAT'S
AN ANTIQUATED PHONE.
132
00:04:58,666 --> 00:04:59,496
THAT'S OLD.
YEAH.
133
00:04:59,533 --> 00:05:01,373
( woman)
RICKY CAN TEACH YOU HOW.
134
00:05:01,402 --> 00:05:02,942
YEAH, I CAN SHOW YOU.
HE-HE WON'T SHOW
ME ANYTHING.
135
00:05:02,970 --> 00:05:04,070
( woman)
BUT, THIS ONE'S A GOOD ONE.
I'LL SHOW YOU
ON THIS ONE, TOO.
136
00:05:04,104 --> 00:05:05,114
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH,
SHOW ME.
137
00:05:05,138 --> 00:05:07,808
SO, IT'S JUST MESSAGE,
AND THEN YOU GO NEW MESSAGE.
138
00:05:07,841 --> 00:05:11,451
MESSAGE AND NEW MESSAGE.
YEAH, AND SEE,
T-X-T MEANS TEXT.
139
00:05:11,479 --> 00:05:12,649
SO, YOU'RE GONNA
CLICK THAT.
140
00:05:12,680 --> 00:05:13,850
AND THEN, YOU SEE
CHRISTIAN'S NUMBER?
141
00:05:13,881 --> 00:05:17,891
SO, I GO MESSAGE, T-5-T.
T-X-T.
142
00:05:17,918 --> 00:05:20,718
T-N-2.
(Ricky)
SEE? NO, T-X-T.
143
00:05:20,754 --> 00:05:22,524
T-X-4.
THERE'S JUST NO "E."
144
00:05:22,556 --> 00:05:24,626
THEY SHORTEN EVERYTHING
IN TEXT MESSAGES.
OKAY.
145
00:05:24,658 --> 00:05:26,028
THERE IT IS, CHRISTIAN.
146
00:05:26,059 --> 00:05:27,859
OKAY, WRITE
A MESSAGE FOR ME.
147
00:05:27,895 --> 00:05:29,625
WHAT DO YOU WANT
ME TO SAY?
148
00:05:29,663 --> 00:05:32,133
YOU OWE ME A CALL.
CALL ME BACK.
149
00:05:32,165 --> 00:05:35,065
IT'S BEEN WEEKS
SINCE WE'VE SPOKEN.
150
00:05:35,102 --> 00:05:37,812
I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT
THE HELL'S THE MATTER WITH YOU.
151
00:05:37,838 --> 00:05:38,808
( woman)
HE CAN'T WRITE ALL THAT.
THAT'S TOO MUCH.
152
00:05:38,839 --> 00:05:40,109
( woman)
NO. NO, NO, NO,
NO, NO, NO, NO.
153
00:05:40,140 --> 00:05:42,380
( Gigi)
THAT'S TOO MUCH?
ESPECIALLY WITH THAT KEYPAD.
154
00:05:42,410 --> 00:05:43,840
SAY-SAY WHAT THE HELL'S
THE MATTER WITH YA?
155
00:05:43,877 --> 00:05:45,907
IF YOU WERE HERE,
I'D CHOKE YOU.
156
00:05:45,946 --> 00:05:47,546
NO.
( woman)
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
157
00:05:47,581 --> 00:05:48,781
( woman)
NO, THAT'S--
158
00:05:48,816 --> 00:05:50,946
I USED TO READ
BOOKS TO CHRISTIAN.
159
00:05:50,984 --> 00:05:53,394
NOT JUST CHILDREN'S BOOKS,
ALL SORTS OF BOOKS--
160
00:05:53,421 --> 00:05:56,161
MYSTERIES, CLASSICAL DRAMAS,
ROMANCE NOVELS.
161
00:05:56,189 --> 00:05:59,629
HIS FACE WOULD LIGHT UP
WITH EVERY PLOT TWIST.
162
00:05:59,660 --> 00:06:01,660
I ONCE READ HIM
A ROMANCE NOVEL,
163
00:06:01,695 --> 00:06:06,895
UH, AND HE WAS SO CAUGHT
UP IN THE THROWS OF
THE FEMALE PROTAGONIST,
164
00:06:06,934 --> 00:06:09,804
UH, THAT HE CRIED
WHEN HER HEAD WAS SHAVED,
165
00:06:09,837 --> 00:06:12,467
AND SHE WAS CHOKED TO DEATH
BY HER CRUEL HUSBAND.
166
00:06:12,506 --> 00:06:14,606
OH, HOW HE HUNG
ON MY EVERY WORD.
167
00:06:14,642 --> 00:06:17,852
SO, I KNOW EXACTLY
WHAT I HAVE TO DO.
168
00:06:17,878 --> 00:06:20,408
I HAVE TO WRITE
SOMETHING PROFOUND,
169
00:06:20,448 --> 00:06:24,888
SOMETHING THAT WILL
TURN CHRISTIAN'S COLD
HEART WARM AGAIN.
170
00:06:24,918 --> 00:06:27,658
SOMETHING THAT WILL
GET HIM TO STOP YANKING
HIS LITTLE SCHMEKEL
171
00:06:27,688 --> 00:06:29,688
AND CALL HIS DAMN GRANDMA!
172
00:06:33,461 --> 00:06:34,661
(snoring)
173
00:06:34,695 --> 00:06:37,795
(phone ringing)
174
00:06:37,831 --> 00:06:40,631
OH, OH, OH, OH. OH.
175
00:06:40,668 --> 00:06:41,698
NOW, WHERE-WHERE?
176
00:06:41,735 --> 00:06:43,895
OH, YEAH, YEAH,
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
177
00:06:43,937 --> 00:06:45,667
CHRISTIAN?
178
00:06:45,706 --> 00:06:47,576
(phone ringing)
OH.
179
00:06:48,976 --> 00:06:51,006
YES. HELLO.
WHO IS THIS?
180
00:06:53,213 --> 00:06:55,753
YEAH, I WAS NAPPING.
WHO IS THIS?
181
00:06:55,783 --> 00:06:58,023
YOUR NAME IS PARVESH?
182
00:06:58,051 --> 00:07:00,791
WHAT ARE YA SELLING?
I DON'T WANT IT.
183
00:07:00,821 --> 00:07:03,721
I DON'T WANT THE PLAN.
NO, I'M HAPPY WITH MY PLAN.
184
00:07:03,757 --> 00:07:05,887
WHERE YOU CALLING FROM?
185
00:07:05,926 --> 00:07:08,596
MUMBAI?
ISN'T IT LATE OVER THERE?
186
00:07:08,629 --> 00:07:10,159
WHAT DO YOU EAT?
ARE YOU EATING SOMETHING?
187
00:07:10,197 --> 00:07:12,667
I HEAR YOU CHEWING.
188
00:07:12,700 --> 00:07:14,970
YOU'RE EATING SAG PANIA?
189
00:07:15,002 --> 00:07:17,712
WHAT IS SAG PANIA?
190
00:07:17,738 --> 00:07:19,868
THAT SOUNDS HORRIBLE.
191
00:07:19,907 --> 00:07:21,737
NO, DON'T EAT THAT.
192
00:07:21,775 --> 00:07:22,805
HELLO?
193
00:07:22,843 --> 00:07:25,853
HE HUNG UP ON ME.
194
00:07:25,879 --> 00:07:27,749
SON OF A BITCH.
(beep)
195
00:07:27,781 --> 00:07:31,591
**
196
00:07:31,619 --> 00:07:33,049
(snoring)
197
00:07:35,222 --> 00:07:36,922
(birds chirping)
198
00:07:36,957 --> 00:07:39,187
(beeping)
199
00:07:40,761 --> 00:07:42,861
(phone ringing)
200
00:07:42,896 --> 00:07:43,996
(Christian on recording)
THIS IS CHRISTIAN.
201
00:07:44,031 --> 00:07:46,201
FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER
@KINGMINUSO6.
202
00:07:46,233 --> 00:07:47,973
9/11 WAS AN INSIDE JOB.
203
00:07:48,001 --> 00:07:49,701
(beep)
204
00:07:49,737 --> 00:07:52,237
LISTEN TO ME,
YOU LITTLE BASTARD.
205
00:07:52,272 --> 00:07:54,242
YOU CALL ME BACK.
206
00:07:54,274 --> 00:07:55,844
I USED TO WIPE
YOUR LITTLE SCHMEKEL
207
00:07:55,876 --> 00:07:57,106
WITH THE SAME
PARCHMENT PAPER
208
00:07:57,144 --> 00:07:59,014
I USED TO BAKE
YOUR SNICKERDOODLES.
209
00:07:59,046 --> 00:08:00,646
YOU'D BE NOTHING
WITHOUT ME.
210
00:08:00,681 --> 00:08:01,881
NOW, CALL ME BACK,
211
00:08:01,915 --> 00:08:03,245
OR I'M GONNA TELL
ALL YOUR LITTLE FRIENDS
212
00:08:03,283 --> 00:08:07,693
ABOUT HOW YOU LOVE TO SWAY
WITH ME TO PERRY COMO.
213
00:08:07,721 --> 00:08:09,821
PERRY COMO, BITCH!
214
00:08:13,827 --> 00:08:16,527
SHIT, I JUST CALLED
MY GRANDSON A BITCH.
215
00:08:16,564 --> 00:08:19,304
**
216
00:08:19,332 --> 00:08:20,402
(Gigi)
I JUST CAN'T QUITE GET
217
00:08:20,433 --> 00:08:23,143
TO THE HEART OF THE STORY
I'M TRYING TO TELL.
218
00:08:23,170 --> 00:08:25,140
IT'S TIME THAT I MEET
WITH A PROFESSIONAL,
219
00:08:25,172 --> 00:08:28,982
EXPERIENCED, RESPONSIBLE
ADULT, A GROWN MAN,
220
00:08:29,009 --> 00:08:32,009
WHO WRITES
CHILDREN'S BOOKS.
221
00:08:32,045 --> 00:08:36,015
HI, I'M JONATHAN KARNOFF.
YES, MR. KARNOFF,
I'VE HEARD SO MUCH ABOUT YOU.
222
00:08:36,049 --> 00:08:37,919
(Jonathan)
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
223
00:08:37,951 --> 00:08:42,321
OH, BOY, DO I HAVE
AN IDEA FOR YOU.
224
00:08:42,355 --> 00:08:44,055
I AM A CHILD
AT YOUR KNEE.
225
00:08:44,091 --> 00:08:45,891
TELL ME YOUR STORY.
I'M SORRY?
226
00:08:45,926 --> 00:08:48,656
I'M A CHILD AT YOUR KNEE.
TELL ME YOUR STORY.
227
00:08:48,696 --> 00:08:51,926
THAT'S JUST MY WAY OF
SAYING I'M HERE TO LISTEN.
228
00:08:51,965 --> 00:08:53,195
OH, OKAY.
229
00:08:53,233 --> 00:08:55,673
(Ricky)
HE REPRESENTS YOUR AUDIENCE.
YEAH, OH, I SEE.
230
00:08:55,703 --> 00:08:57,043
YEAH.
231
00:08:57,070 --> 00:08:58,010
(Gigi)
OKAY.
232
00:08:58,038 --> 00:08:59,608
(clears throat)
233
00:09:00,941 --> 00:09:02,681
IS IT ME, OR IS THERE
A LITTLE BIT SOMETHIN'
234
00:09:02,710 --> 00:09:04,140
LIKE HE'S A LITTLE--
I'M SORRY.
235
00:09:04,177 --> 00:09:05,177
(Gigi)
NO, NOTHING. THAT'S FINE.
236
00:09:05,212 --> 00:09:06,882
(Ricky)
NO, NO, NO.
IT'S JUST, YOU KNOW.
237
00:09:06,914 --> 00:09:08,024
HE WRITES BOOKS FOR KIDS
238
00:09:08,048 --> 00:09:09,148
BECAUSE HE WANTS TO
GET CLOSE TO KIDS.
239
00:09:09,182 --> 00:09:10,252
NO, NO, NO.
YES.
240
00:09:10,283 --> 00:09:11,053
NO, NO, NO.
241
00:09:11,084 --> 00:09:11,794
HE WRITES.
I THINK YOU'RE WRONG.
242
00:09:11,819 --> 00:09:13,689
WHY DO YOU WRITE
BOOKS FOR KIDS?
243
00:09:13,721 --> 00:09:16,161
JUST WONDERING.
JUST A INNOCENT QUESTION.
244
00:09:16,189 --> 00:09:18,759
OH, I SUPPOSE I'M TRYING
TO TALK TO MYSELF.
245
00:09:18,792 --> 00:09:20,092
(Gigi)
OH, THAT'S VERY SWEET.
246
00:09:20,127 --> 00:09:21,187
YEAH.
YEAH.
247
00:09:21,228 --> 00:09:23,728
(Jonathan)
I'M REACHING BACK TO
THE CHILD THAT I WAS--
248
00:09:23,764 --> 00:09:26,234
THE CHILD THAT DIDN'T
GET THE PARENTING
249
00:09:26,266 --> 00:09:28,066
HE WANTED AND HE NEEDED.
250
00:09:33,874 --> 00:09:35,684
YEAH, I THINK
THAT'S WHAT I'M DOING.
251
00:09:35,709 --> 00:09:38,609
OKAY, I DIDN'T MEAN TO
BRING UP A SORE SUBJECT.
252
00:09:38,646 --> 00:09:41,876
ANYWAY, UH, SO,
UM, IT STARTS
253
00:09:41,915 --> 00:09:45,615
WITH A GRANDMOTHER
AND HER GRANDSON.
254
00:09:45,653 --> 00:09:46,353
THIS IS ALREADY GOOD.
255
00:09:46,386 --> 00:09:47,916
OKAY.
YEAH.
256
00:09:47,955 --> 00:09:49,115
(laughs)
257
00:09:49,156 --> 00:09:52,026
AND THEY ARE INSEPARABLE.
YEAH.
258
00:09:52,059 --> 00:09:54,129
SHE MAKES HIM PIES.
YEAH.
259
00:09:54,161 --> 00:09:56,231
SHE, UH, YOU KNOW,
EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE,
260
00:09:56,263 --> 00:09:57,773
SHE'LL FLASH HIM.
UH--
261
00:09:57,798 --> 00:09:59,368
YOU KNOW, UH, JUST TO
SEE HIM GO, "AHH, GRANDMA,
262
00:09:59,399 --> 00:10:00,629
NO! DON'T FLASH ME."
263
00:10:00,668 --> 00:10:01,738
(laughs)
264
00:10:01,769 --> 00:10:03,139
UH, UH, THAT'S A--
WE DON'T-- YOU KNOW.
265
00:10:03,170 --> 00:10:04,340
WELL, THAT'S THE--
THAT'S WHAT--
IT DOESN'T HAVE
TO BE IN THE STORY.
266
00:10:04,371 --> 00:10:06,111
I LIKE THAT PART.
IT-IT COULD JUST BE
A LIFTING OF THE--
267
00:10:06,139 --> 00:10:07,069
(Ricky)
YEAH.
268
00:10:07,107 --> 00:10:09,177
YEAH, JUST A LITTLE
ANKLE OR MAYBE-- YEAH.
269
00:10:09,209 --> 00:10:11,879
(Jonathan)
YEAH, JUST A SNEAK PEEK.
PUSSY LIP OR WHATEVER.
270
00:10:11,912 --> 00:10:13,012
ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.
271
00:10:13,046 --> 00:10:13,946
AND THEN, ONE DAY,
272
00:10:13,981 --> 00:10:16,851
HIS STUPID PARENTS
GIVE HIM A CELL PHONE.
273
00:10:16,884 --> 00:10:18,494
(Jonathan)
YEAH.
(Gigi)
AND THAT'S THE END OF HIM.
274
00:10:18,518 --> 00:10:21,118
THAT'S THE BERLIN WALL.
(Gigi)
THEY NEVER HEAR--
THAT'S THE BERLIN WALL.
275
00:10:21,154 --> 00:10:23,724
THE IMAGINAL LINE.
I REMEMBER
THE BERLIN WALL.
276
00:10:23,757 --> 00:10:25,257
THE GREAT DIVIDE.
YEAH.
277
00:10:25,292 --> 00:10:27,192
IRON CURTAIN.
278
00:10:27,227 --> 00:10:28,927
PLEASE.
279
00:10:28,962 --> 00:10:32,902
LONG STORY SHORT, I WANT THE
GRANDMOTHER CHARACTER TO DIE,
280
00:10:32,933 --> 00:10:34,073
AND WHEN I SAY, "DIE,"
281
00:10:34,101 --> 00:10:38,141
I DON'T JUST MEAN DIE IN
HER SLEEP, DIE OF OLD AGE.
282
00:10:38,171 --> 00:10:40,441
I WANT HER BODY
TO BE MANGLED.
OKAY.
283
00:10:40,473 --> 00:10:43,143
(Gigi)
MAYBE SHE GETS EATEN.
OKAY, OKAY.
284
00:10:43,176 --> 00:10:45,946
(Gigi)
MAYBE SHE-SHE'S COVERED
IN FLIES AND MAGGOTS.
RIGHT, RIGHT, RIGHT.
285
00:10:45,979 --> 00:10:49,019
AND THE MAGGOTS ARE
GOING UP INTO HER VAGINA.
286
00:10:49,049 --> 00:10:51,349
UH, GI-GI-GI-GI--
287
00:10:51,384 --> 00:10:53,354
UH, GIGI.
(Gigi)
GIGI.
288
00:10:53,386 --> 00:10:55,286
UH, CHILDREN ARE
BORN INTO THIS WORLD
289
00:10:55,322 --> 00:10:56,922
TERRIFIED OF EVERYTHING.
290
00:10:56,957 --> 00:10:58,027
I DON'T THINK
291
00:10:58,058 --> 00:10:59,828
WE WANNA DEAL WITH
A GRANDMOTHER'S DEATH .
292
00:10:59,860 --> 00:11:01,800
UH, A LIGHT COMA--
293
00:11:01,829 --> 00:11:04,729
UH... COULD SHE BE
STRUCK IN TRAFFIC
294
00:11:04,765 --> 00:11:07,695
AND, UH, AND-AND SUDDENLY
RENDERED UNCONSCIOUS?
295
00:11:07,735 --> 00:11:10,135
I THINK-- I-I HAPPEN
TO DISAGREE WITH YOU,
296
00:11:10,170 --> 00:11:11,840
AND I KNOW YOU'RE
A PROFESSIONAL,
297
00:11:11,872 --> 00:11:13,172
AND YOU'VE BEEN DOING
THIS FOR MANY YEARS.
298
00:11:13,206 --> 00:11:15,706
BEEN VERY, VERY SUCCESSFUL.
WHO GIVES A SHIT?
299
00:11:15,743 --> 00:11:18,153
MY FEELING IS,
300
00:11:18,178 --> 00:11:20,908
IF WE MAKE IT SO
THAT IT'S NOT--
MAY I SUGGEST--
301
00:11:20,948 --> 00:11:24,178
AND THIS IS 30 YEARS
OF THAT TALKING.
302
00:11:24,217 --> 00:11:26,017
OKAY. ALL RIGHT.
303
00:11:26,053 --> 00:11:28,193
LET'S DO A SWITCH.
304
00:11:28,221 --> 00:11:30,091
THE KID DIES.
THE KID DIES?
305
00:11:30,123 --> 00:11:31,493
NO.
THE GRANDSON DIES?
306
00:11:31,524 --> 00:11:33,834
NO, NO, NO, NO, YOU'RE
GOING DOWN THE WRONG ALLEY.
307
00:11:33,861 --> 00:11:36,031
ANIMALS FOR HUMANS.
308
00:11:36,063 --> 00:11:36,963
YEAH.
309
00:11:36,997 --> 00:11:39,297
(Jonathan)
ANIMALS ARE KIND
OF AN AMBASSADOR
310
00:11:39,332 --> 00:11:41,072
TO CHILDREN EVERYWHERE.
311
00:11:41,101 --> 00:11:44,401
WE CAN DEAL WITH
LUMBERING LIFE ISSUES
312
00:11:44,437 --> 00:11:46,437
LIKE DEATH THROUGH ANIMALS.
313
00:11:46,473 --> 00:11:47,783
YOU CAN KILL
AN ANIMAL ANYTIME.
314
00:11:47,808 --> 00:11:49,808
"CHARLOTTE'S WEB."
"CHARLOTTE'S WEB."
315
00:11:49,843 --> 00:11:51,343
WHAT HAPPENED TO HER?
I'M NOT SURE.
316
00:11:51,378 --> 00:11:52,478
SHE DIED.
SHE DIED.
317
00:11:52,512 --> 00:11:53,982
THAT'S A BOOK?
YEAH.
318
00:11:54,014 --> 00:11:55,424
IT'S A BOOK.
WILBUR THE PIG.
319
00:11:55,448 --> 00:11:57,278
I'VE NEVER HEARD OF IT.
HMM.
320
00:11:57,317 --> 00:11:59,987
YEAH, I FEEL LIKE IT-IT
HELPS KIDS DEAL WITH EMOTIONS
321
00:12:00,020 --> 00:12:02,390
BETTER WHEN IT COMES
FROM AN ANIMAL, YOU KNOW.
RIGHT.
322
00:12:02,422 --> 00:12:03,222
WHEN MY GRANDMA DIED,
323
00:12:03,256 --> 00:12:06,856
MY-MY PARENTS SENT
THE DOG TO TELL ME.
324
00:12:06,894 --> 00:12:08,504
HE DIDN'T TELL ME,
BUT HE HAD A NOTE
325
00:12:08,528 --> 00:12:10,958
ATTACHED TO HIS COLLAR AND
THAT SAID "GRANDMA'S DEAD."
326
00:12:10,998 --> 00:12:12,068
(Gigi)
OH.
327
00:12:12,099 --> 00:12:14,229
SO, BUT, YOU KNOW, IT
DIDN'T HURT NEARLY AS MUCH.
328
00:12:14,267 --> 00:12:16,867
I WAS ACTUALLY
OKAY WITH IT.
329
00:12:16,904 --> 00:12:20,974
COULD YOU SUBSTITUTE
YOURSELVES FOR ANIMALS?
330
00:12:21,008 --> 00:12:22,138
YES.
331
00:12:22,175 --> 00:12:25,375
SO, THERE'S A GRANDMOTHER
CHIMP AND A GRANDSON CHIMP,
332
00:12:25,412 --> 00:12:29,222
AND THEY ARE
BEING TORN APART
333
00:12:29,249 --> 00:12:35,219
BY THE MODERNITIES
OF CHIMP SOCIETY. YEAH?
334
00:12:35,255 --> 00:12:37,015
THIS IS A NEW
MARKET FOR YOU,
335
00:12:37,057 --> 00:12:38,157
AND I'LL TELL RIGHT NOW.
336
00:12:38,191 --> 00:12:42,501
CHILDREN ARE GOING TO WANT,
UH, SOMETHING MERRY OF SOUL.
337
00:12:42,529 --> 00:12:44,159
COULD THE
GRANDMOTHER NOT DIE?
338
00:12:44,197 --> 00:12:45,527
COULD SHE BE--
NO, SIR.
339
00:12:45,565 --> 00:12:47,365
I WOULD LIKE HER
TO DROP DEAD.
340
00:12:47,400 --> 00:12:50,040
I WOULD LIKE HER TO
BEGIN TO DECOMPOSE.
341
00:12:50,070 --> 00:12:51,470
I WANT YOU TO BE ABLE,
WHEN YOU'RE READING IT,
342
00:12:51,504 --> 00:12:53,344
TO REALLY SMELL
THAT SMELL THAT--
343
00:12:53,373 --> 00:12:55,243
I'M GONNA BE VERY
RESPECTFUL HERE,
344
00:12:55,275 --> 00:12:57,035
AND I'M GONNA
HAVE TO SAY "NO ."
345
00:12:57,077 --> 00:12:58,907
THIS IS--
THIS IS NOT, UH,
346
00:12:58,946 --> 00:13:00,506
IT'S NOT GONNA WORK.
IT'S MORBID.
347
00:13:00,547 --> 00:13:02,917
I'M AFRAID THIS IS GONNA
HAVE TO BE A PASS.
348
00:13:02,950 --> 00:13:04,990
(Gigi)
YOU KNOW WHAT YOU ARE?
349
00:13:05,018 --> 00:13:06,388
SIMPLY PUT--
350
00:13:06,419 --> 00:13:09,059
YOU'RE A NO GOOD
SON OF A BITCH BASTARD.
351
00:13:09,089 --> 00:13:10,019
(Ricky)
OKAY, WE SHOULD GO.
352
00:13:10,057 --> 00:13:11,487
YOU ARE A NO GOOD SON
OF A BITCH BASTARD.
353
00:13:11,524 --> 00:13:12,434
LET'S GO.
LET'S BE ON YOUR WAY.
354
00:13:12,459 --> 00:13:12,829
VERY GOOD TO MEET YOU.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
355
00:13:12,860 --> 00:13:13,860
HOW DARE YOU?
356
00:13:13,894 --> 00:13:14,394
LET'S GET OUTTA HERE.
HE GAVE YOU HIS OPINION.
357
00:13:14,427 --> 00:13:16,457
THIS GUY IS NO GOOD.
358
00:13:16,496 --> 00:13:17,866
YOU'RE A CRACK!
359
00:13:17,898 --> 00:13:18,868
I'M REALLY SORRY.
YOU SEE THAT?
360
00:13:18,899 --> 00:13:19,999
GOOD TO MEET YOU.
361
00:13:20,033 --> 00:13:21,533
I'M SO SORRY
I COULDN'T BE OF ANY USE.
362
00:13:21,568 --> 00:13:23,068
YEAH, YOU'RE NOT
OF ANY USE.
363
00:13:23,103 --> 00:13:25,143
YOU'RE USELESS.
SHAME ON YOU FOREVER.
364
00:13:25,172 --> 00:13:26,572
SHAME ON YOU FOREVER, SIR.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
365
00:13:26,606 --> 00:13:28,236
(Gigi)
FOR THAT, YOU'RE
GOING TO HELL.
366
00:13:28,275 --> 00:13:29,135
DO YOU KNOW THAT?
367
00:13:29,176 --> 00:13:30,336
(Ricky)
CONTINUE TO BE SUCCESSFUL.
368
00:13:30,377 --> 00:13:32,077
(Gigi)
THERE'S A SPECIAL PLACE
IN HELL FOR PEOPLE LIKE YOU.
369
00:13:32,112 --> 00:13:35,282
**
370
00:13:35,315 --> 00:13:37,615
LOOK, I-I READILY
ADMIT THAT MY STORY
371
00:13:37,650 --> 00:13:39,550
ISN'T FOR
THE FAINT AT HEART
372
00:13:39,586 --> 00:13:42,856
AND THAT IT HAS THE POTENTIAL
TO STIR UP SOME CONTROVERSY
373
00:13:42,890 --> 00:13:45,130
IN THE CHILDREN'S
LITERATURE REALM,
374
00:13:45,158 --> 00:13:46,928
BUT, FRANKLY,
I LIKE THAT WAY.
375
00:13:46,960 --> 00:13:48,060
THESE KIDS TODAY,
376
00:13:48,095 --> 00:13:51,125
THEY NEED TO BE MADE AWARE
OF THE SPECTER OF FAMINE,
377
00:13:51,164 --> 00:13:53,474
OF WAR, OF DEATH...
378
00:13:53,500 --> 00:13:55,440
OF INCONTINENCE.
379
00:13:55,468 --> 00:13:56,938
AND SO WHAT IF NO PUBLISHER
380
00:13:56,970 --> 00:13:59,570
IN THEIR RIGHT MIND
WOULD PUBLISH MY BOOK?
381
00:13:59,606 --> 00:14:02,136
I'M GONNA
PUBLISH IT MYSELF.
382
00:14:02,175 --> 00:14:05,045
**
383
00:14:09,416 --> 00:14:12,886
* LA LA LA LA LA
LA LA LA LA LA LA *
384
00:14:12,920 --> 00:14:16,890
* LA LA LA LA LA
LA LA *
385
00:14:16,924 --> 00:14:17,964
(Gigi)
LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHIN'.
386
00:14:17,991 --> 00:14:21,961
PUBLISHING AND DISTRIBUTING
A BOOK IS NOT CHEAP.
387
00:14:21,995 --> 00:14:25,195
JUST ASK, UH,
YOU KNOW, J.K. SIMMONS,
388
00:14:25,232 --> 00:14:28,202
WHO-WHO WROTE ALL
THOSE HARRY POTTER BOOKS.
389
00:14:28,235 --> 00:14:29,935
BUT, YOU KNOW,
IT DIDN'T BOTHER ME TOO MUCH
390
00:14:29,970 --> 00:14:32,210
TO SPEND THE MONEY
BECAUSE IT'S WORTH IT
391
00:14:32,239 --> 00:14:34,309
IF I CAN GET CHRISTIAN
TO CALL ME BACK.
392
00:14:34,341 --> 00:14:36,381
**
393
00:14:36,409 --> 00:14:38,579
(Gigi)
I'M GONNA DEBUT THE BOOK
AT THE CONDO CLUBHOUSE,
394
00:14:38,611 --> 00:14:40,211
AND I'M GOING TO INVITE
EVERYONE WHO MATTERS,
395
00:14:40,247 --> 00:14:43,547
A REAL WHO'S WHO OF
THE BOCA FLAGSHIP GARDENS.
396
00:14:43,583 --> 00:14:48,423
**
397
00:14:48,455 --> 00:14:49,555
HELLO?
398
00:14:49,589 --> 00:14:51,189
HELLO!
399
00:14:51,224 --> 00:14:52,664
HOW IS EVERYONE?
400
00:14:52,692 --> 00:14:54,292
HEY, GOOD TO SEE YOU.
401
00:14:54,327 --> 00:14:56,397
MIRIAM, IT'S SO
WONDERFUL TO SEE YOU.
402
00:14:56,429 --> 00:14:58,299
IT'S SO GOOD
THAT YOU CAME OUT.
403
00:14:58,331 --> 00:14:59,571
HOW ARE YOU, ANITA?
404
00:14:59,599 --> 00:15:01,029
YOU ARE ALL RIGHT?
405
00:15:01,068 --> 00:15:04,038
RACHEL--
MY RACHEL IS HERE.
406
00:15:04,071 --> 00:15:06,141
I'M SO GLAD YOU'VE
ALL TURNED OUT.
407
00:15:06,173 --> 00:15:08,343
**
408
00:15:08,375 --> 00:15:10,635
(Gigi)
OKAY.
409
00:15:10,677 --> 00:15:13,277
THANK YOU ALL FOR--
THANK YOU ALL--
410
00:15:13,313 --> 00:15:15,423
(mic feedback)
411
00:15:15,448 --> 00:15:17,278
THANK YOU ALL
FOR COMING TODAY.
412
00:15:17,317 --> 00:15:19,547
THIS IS A VERY
EXCITING MOMENT FOR ME.
413
00:15:19,586 --> 00:15:22,956
IT'S MY FIRST FORAY INTO,
UH-UH, WRITING.
414
00:15:22,990 --> 00:15:25,330
AND, UM, I THINK
YOU'RE GONNA LOVE IT.
415
00:15:25,358 --> 00:15:29,628
THIS IS RICKY.
HE'S HELPING ME OUT TODAY.
416
00:15:29,662 --> 00:15:31,162
THANK YOU.
CAN I HAVE MY BOOK?
417
00:15:31,198 --> 00:15:32,068
THANK YOU.
418
00:15:32,099 --> 00:15:35,499
UM, AS YOU CAN SEE,
THE BOOK IS TITLED
419
00:15:35,535 --> 00:15:38,165
"CALL YOUR GRANDMOTHER,"
420
00:15:38,205 --> 00:15:41,335
BY GIGI ROTBLUM.
421
00:15:41,374 --> 00:15:42,984
THAT'S ME.
422
00:15:43,010 --> 00:15:44,640
HA-HA!
423
00:15:44,677 --> 00:15:46,707
SHALL WE BEGIN?
424
00:15:46,746 --> 00:15:49,576
"DEEP IN THE
JUNGLES OF AFRICA,
425
00:15:49,616 --> 00:15:53,216
"THERE WAS A YOUNG
CHIMPANZEE NAMED MARK,
426
00:15:53,253 --> 00:15:55,393
"WHO GREW UP UNDER
THE WATCHFUL EYE
427
00:15:55,422 --> 00:15:58,192
"OF HIS GRANDMOTHER, JOYCE.
428
00:15:58,225 --> 00:16:00,125
"JOYCE WOULD TAKE
MARK TO THE RIVER
429
00:16:00,160 --> 00:16:02,730
AND THOROUGHLY
CLEAN HIS PUBIK."
430
00:16:02,762 --> 00:16:04,262
COME. COME.
431
00:16:04,297 --> 00:16:05,967
(sighs)
432
00:16:11,171 --> 00:16:13,471
(Gigi )
"MARK WOULD SHARE
FUNNY STORIES WITH HER.
433
00:16:13,506 --> 00:16:15,376
"HE LOVED TO MAKE
HIS GRANDMOTHER LAUGH
434
00:16:15,408 --> 00:16:17,138
"BECAUSE SHE WAS
OTHERWISE MISERABLE
435
00:16:17,177 --> 00:16:19,447
"AND IN A LOVELESS MARRIAGE
WITH MARK'S GRANDFATHER, JERRY,
436
00:16:19,479 --> 00:16:22,979
"WHO ONLY LOVED PROFESSIONAL
WRESTLING AND HIS OWN PENIS.
437
00:16:25,618 --> 00:16:29,158
"EVERY NIGHT, JOYCE
HOWLED FROM HER TREE.
438
00:16:29,189 --> 00:16:31,789
"WOOP-WOOP!
439
00:16:31,824 --> 00:16:34,734
AND MARK HOWLED
BACK FROM HIS TREE.
440
00:16:34,761 --> 00:16:36,101
(flatly)
"WOOP-WOOP-WOOP-WOOP."
441
00:16:36,129 --> 00:16:37,729
COME ON.
442
00:16:37,764 --> 00:16:39,634
(with enthusiasm)
"WOOP-WOOP-WOOP--
WOOP-WOOP-WOOP!"
443
00:16:39,666 --> 00:16:42,066
(Gigi )
" WOOP-WOOP-WOP.
WOOP-WOOP-WOOP!
444
00:16:42,102 --> 00:16:45,272
...JUST SO JOYCE
KNEW HE WAS SAFE.
445
00:16:45,305 --> 00:16:49,105
"ONE STORMY NIGHT, THE DARK
SKY FLASHED WITH LIGHTNING,
446
00:16:49,142 --> 00:16:50,812
"AND THE RIVER
BECAME FLOODED.
447
00:16:50,843 --> 00:16:52,553
"JOYCE HOWLED AS
LOUD AS SHE COULD
448
00:16:52,579 --> 00:16:56,419
"FROM HER TREE CANOPY.
'WOOP-WOOP-WOOP!'
449
00:16:56,449 --> 00:17:00,449
"BUT, THIS TIME,
MARK DID NOT HOWL BACK.
450
00:17:00,487 --> 00:17:02,657
"JOYCE DESCENDED
FROM THE TREE CANOPY
451
00:17:02,689 --> 00:17:05,389
"TO SEARCH THE JUNGLE
FOR HER BELOVED GRANDSON.
452
00:17:05,425 --> 00:17:08,325
"SHE SEARCHED AND SEARCHED
AND FINALLY CAME UPON MARK
453
00:17:08,361 --> 00:17:12,271
HAPPILY PLAYING WITH HIS
STUPID, LITTLE, CHIMP FRIENDS."
454
00:17:12,299 --> 00:17:15,439
"JOYCE THOUGHT ABOUT
ALERTING THEM TO THE DANGER.
455
00:17:15,468 --> 00:17:18,338
"BUT, WHEN SHE SAW
HOW HAPPY MARK WAS,
456
00:17:18,371 --> 00:17:22,381
"SIMPLY PLAYING IN THE
PUDDLES WITH HIS DISGUSTING
AND HORRIBLE LITTLE FRIENDS,
457
00:17:22,409 --> 00:17:25,279
"SHE DECIDED TO
LEAVE HIM ALONE.
458
00:17:25,312 --> 00:17:27,712
"ONE NIGHT,
JOYCE STOPPED HOWLING.
459
00:17:27,747 --> 00:17:29,747
"AND MARK, WHO HAD BEEN
BUSY TOUCHING HIMSELF
460
00:17:29,782 --> 00:17:31,852
AND SMOKING SENSIMILLA
THE WHOLE TIME,
461
00:17:31,884 --> 00:17:33,594
"BECAME CONCERNED."
462
00:17:33,620 --> 00:17:35,160
"HE MADE
A PROMISE TO HIMSELF
463
00:17:35,188 --> 00:17:37,488
"THAT HE WOULD CHECK
IN ON HIS GRANDMOTHER.
464
00:17:37,524 --> 00:17:40,634
"HE CLIMBED HER
TREE ONLY TO FIND...
465
00:17:40,660 --> 00:17:44,230
"HIS BELOVED
GRANDMOTHER LIFELESS"--
466
00:17:44,264 --> 00:17:47,334
(phone ringing)
467
00:17:47,367 --> 00:17:50,467
LI-LIFE--
468
00:17:50,503 --> 00:17:52,513
OH, MY GOODNESS!
469
00:17:52,539 --> 00:17:55,579
UM, IF-IF
YOU'LL EXCUSE ME.
470
00:17:55,608 --> 00:17:57,608
(phone rings)
471
00:17:57,644 --> 00:17:59,884
**
472
00:17:59,912 --> 00:18:01,252
HE-HE-HELLO.
473
00:18:01,281 --> 00:18:02,551
CHRISTIAN!
474
00:18:02,582 --> 00:18:05,192
CHRISTIAN, I'VE BEEN
WAITING FOR YOU TO CALL ME.
475
00:18:05,218 --> 00:18:06,318
HA-HA!
476
00:18:06,353 --> 00:18:07,523
YES.
477
00:18:07,554 --> 00:18:14,564
**
478
00:18:16,529 --> 00:18:19,199
(mic feedback)
479
00:18:19,232 --> 00:18:21,272
UM, ANY-ANYONE
FROM OUTTA TOWN?
480
00:18:21,301 --> 00:18:26,211
**
481
00:18:26,239 --> 00:18:29,179
CHRISTIAN, I'M EVER SO
HAPPY TO HEAR FROM YOU.
482
00:18:29,209 --> 00:18:30,639
YES, WHERE WERE YOU?
483
00:18:30,677 --> 00:18:32,277
I'M CALLING, CALLING,
NIGHT AND DAY.
484
00:18:32,312 --> 00:18:33,752
YOU DON'T ANSWER?
485
00:18:33,780 --> 00:18:36,650
OH, NO, I KNOW
YOU'RE BUSY WITH SCHOOL.
486
00:18:36,683 --> 00:18:37,823
YOU DID?
487
00:18:37,850 --> 00:18:39,750
OH, THAT'S WONDERFUL!
488
00:18:39,786 --> 00:18:41,846
I'M SO, SO, SO
PROUD OF YOU.
489
00:18:41,888 --> 00:18:43,788
I DIDN'T MEAN
TO CALL YOU A BITCH.
490
00:18:43,823 --> 00:18:45,433
YOU KNOW, I WAS--
I WAS HURT.
491
00:18:45,458 --> 00:18:47,158
THAT WAS WRONG OF ME.
492
00:18:47,194 --> 00:18:48,834
YOU'RE RIGHT.
I'M AN ANIMAL.
493
00:18:48,861 --> 00:18:52,371
I AM A DISGUSTING,
PUTRID ANIMAL.
494
00:18:52,399 --> 00:18:53,369
HUH?
495
00:18:53,400 --> 00:18:54,200
YOU'RE GONNA
KICK MY ASS?
496
00:18:54,234 --> 00:18:55,874
OKAY, YOU CAN
TRY TO KICK MY ASS,
497
00:18:55,902 --> 00:18:58,412
BUT THAT'S CALLED
"ELDER ABUSE,"
498
00:18:58,438 --> 00:18:59,668
AND THAT'S ILLEGAL,
499
00:18:59,706 --> 00:19:00,766
AND THEY'LL
SEND YOU TO JAIL,
500
00:19:00,807 --> 00:19:03,377
OR SPOFFORD, OR WHEREVER
THEY SEND NINE-YEAR-OLDS.
501
00:19:03,410 --> 00:19:06,950
**
502
00:19:06,979 --> 00:19:08,749
(Ricky)
SHE-SHE SHOULD
BE RIGHT BACK.
503
00:19:08,781 --> 00:19:12,621
**
504
00:19:12,652 --> 00:19:13,752
(Gigi)
LISTEN TO ME.
505
00:19:13,786 --> 00:19:17,586
YOU'RE GONNA MAKE SOME
YOUNG LADY VERY HAPPY ONE DAY,
506
00:19:17,624 --> 00:19:20,934
AND YOU MADE SOME
YOUNG LADY HAPPY TODAY.
507
00:19:20,960 --> 00:19:21,730
YOU DID.
508
00:19:21,761 --> 00:19:23,731
THANK YOU FOR
CALLING, MY DEAR.
509
00:19:23,763 --> 00:19:26,203
OKAY, BYE-BYE,
SWEETHEART.
510
00:19:26,233 --> 00:19:28,303
(kissing sounds)
511
00:19:30,803 --> 00:19:32,943
BYE-BYE.
512
00:19:32,972 --> 00:19:35,312
HA!
513
00:19:35,342 --> 00:19:36,712
PRICK.
514
00:19:41,248 --> 00:19:43,418
**
515
00:19:43,450 --> 00:19:45,550
EVEN THOUGH MY BOOK
WAS A MASSIVE SUCCESS,
516
00:19:45,585 --> 00:19:48,315
I'VE DECIDED
NOT TO DISTRIBUTE IT.
517
00:19:48,355 --> 00:19:51,685
YEAH, I-- LISTEN, I WOULDN'T
WANNA EMBARRASS CHRISTIAN.
518
00:19:51,724 --> 00:19:53,934
NINE-YEAR-OLDS HAVE
ENOUGH TROUBLE AS IT IS,
519
00:19:53,960 --> 00:19:56,830
ALL PREPUBESCENT AND DEALING
WITH A HAUNTING SENSE
520
00:19:56,863 --> 00:19:59,473
OF THEIR LATENT
HOMOSEXUALITY.
521
00:19:59,499 --> 00:20:01,999
BESIDES,
I GOT WHAT I WANTED.
522
00:20:02,034 --> 00:20:04,274
CHRISTIAN CALLED ME BACK!
523
00:20:04,304 --> 00:20:08,244
AND HE TAUGHT ME HOW
TO SEND A TEXT MESSAGE.
524
00:20:08,275 --> 00:20:13,845
EIGHT, EQUAL SIGN,
EQUAL SIGN, EQUAL SIGN, D.
525
00:20:13,880 --> 00:20:15,820
IT'S A PENIS AND TESTES.
526
00:20:15,848 --> 00:20:19,418
(laughs)
527
00:20:25,592 --> 00:20:27,632
(coughs)
528
00:20:29,396 --> 00:20:31,956
* LA LA LA
LA LA LA LA *
529
00:20:35,668 --> 00:20:37,538
(groans)
530
00:20:41,073 --> 00:20:43,283
WHERE WERE WE?
531
00:20:43,310 --> 00:20:46,850
SO, UM...
532
00:20:46,879 --> 00:20:49,949
(sighs)
533
00:20:49,982 --> 00:20:53,452
"HE CLIMBED HER TREE
AND REACHED HER CANOPY
534
00:20:53,486 --> 00:20:56,586
"ONLY TO FIND
HIS BELOVED GRANDMOTHER...
535
00:20:56,623 --> 00:20:59,863
"LIFELESS, ROTTING,
COVERED IN MAGGOTS,
536
00:20:59,892 --> 00:21:01,892
"WITH A SAD LOOK
IN HER ONE EYE."
537
00:21:01,928 --> 00:21:05,298
'CAUSE THE ONE EYE THAT
WAS ALREADY EATEN BY MAGGOTS,
538
00:21:05,332 --> 00:21:06,772
I ASSUME.
539
00:21:06,799 --> 00:21:10,569
"HER MOUTH WAS
OPEN IN HORROR.
540
00:21:10,603 --> 00:21:12,673
"MARK FELT LIKE
A TOTAL ASSHOLE.
541
00:21:18,911 --> 00:21:21,011
"THE END."
542
00:21:25,485 --> 00:21:28,715
MONKEYS ARE TERRIBLY
DANGEROUS ANIMALS.
543
00:21:28,755 --> 00:21:33,555
**
38864
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