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(MAN READING)
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- BLACKADDER: Baldrick!
- Yes, sir.
3
00:00:35,407 --> 00:00:38,638
Oh! Get me some mulled ale,
will you? I'm freezing.
4
00:00:38,727 --> 00:00:40,046
How's the King, sir?
5
00:00:40,127 --> 00:00:43,039
Um, about as comfortable
as can be expected for a man
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00:00:43,127 --> 00:00:46,278
who's spending the winter
in a blackcurrant bush.
7
00:00:47,807 --> 00:00:49,763
Do you think the Roundheads'll find him?
8
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Certainly not. I've assured him
that he is as likely to be caught
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00:00:53,287 --> 00:00:57,075
as a fox being chased by a pack
of one-legged hunting tortoises.
10
00:00:59,007 --> 00:01:01,760
- Is that true?
- Yes, of course it's true.
11
00:01:01,847 --> 00:01:03,565
Have you ever known me
to lie to the King?
12
00:01:03,647 --> 00:01:04,716
Yes.
13
00:01:06,127 --> 00:01:07,560
- No.
- Exactly.
14
00:01:08,887 --> 00:01:12,926
He's absolutely safe, as long
as you keep your fat mouth shut.
15
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You can trust me, sir.
16
00:01:14,967 --> 00:01:16,286
(CHUCKLES)
17
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Right, Baldrick, I'm off
to answer the call of nature.
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If by any freak chance Oliver Cromwell
drops in here for a cup of milk
19
00:01:23,967 --> 00:01:25,525
in the next 90 seconds,
20
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remember, the King is not hiding here.
21
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Yes, sir.
22
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♪ Greensleeves... ♪
23
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Good evening, citizen.
24
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I am Oliver Cromwell.
25
00:01:40,287 --> 00:01:44,997
My men have surrounded your house
and I am looking for royalist scum.
26
00:01:45,607 --> 00:01:47,677
Is the king hiding here?
27
00:01:48,447 --> 00:01:49,562
Um...
28
00:01:59,367 --> 00:02:00,402
No.
29
00:02:01,807 --> 00:02:06,722
On pain of death and damnation,
are you absolutely sure?
30
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Yes, I am.
31
00:02:09,887 --> 00:02:11,036
I see.
32
00:02:11,407 --> 00:02:12,760
Well, then,
33
00:02:13,247 --> 00:02:15,477
my proud beauty,
34
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you won't mind if my men come in
from the cold, will you?
35
00:02:20,407 --> 00:02:23,001
Men, come in from the cold, will you?
36
00:02:24,047 --> 00:02:27,119
Now, we shall all have a cup
of milk by your fireside.
37
00:02:27,207 --> 00:02:29,721
All right, but don't touch
the purple cup.
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- Why not?
- That's the King's.
39
00:02:39,727 --> 00:02:41,001
Thank you, citizen.
40
00:02:41,087 --> 00:02:43,362
You may leave me alone
with King Charles.
41
00:02:43,447 --> 00:02:47,042
(PRINCE CHARLES ACCENT) Ah, Mr Cromwell,
how delightful to see you again.
42
00:02:47,127 --> 00:02:50,642
Don't get up, don't get up, tell me,
um, have you come far?
43
00:02:50,727 --> 00:02:52,126
I have, sir.
44
00:02:52,727 --> 00:02:55,639
From country squire
to law protector of England.
45
00:02:55,727 --> 00:02:58,195
Fascinating, absolutely fascinating.
46
00:02:58,287 --> 00:03:03,315
Um, tell me, uh, what exactly
does a law protector do?
47
00:03:03,407 --> 00:03:07,605
- He spells your doom, sir.
- Spells my doom? Wonderful.
48
00:03:07,687 --> 00:03:10,326
Well, that's particularly exciting
because so many people these days
49
00:03:10,407 --> 00:03:12,125
can't spell at all.
50
00:03:12,647 --> 00:03:14,046
Particularly, as you know,
in the inner cities,
51
00:03:14,127 --> 00:03:17,483
which is my area of interest.
- How truly speaked, sir,
52
00:03:17,567 --> 00:03:21,116
but all your fine words won't
save you from the scaffold.
53
00:03:21,207 --> 00:03:23,675
Jolly good, fascinating, carry on.
54
00:03:23,767 --> 00:03:24,961
A priest, sir,
55
00:03:25,047 --> 00:03:28,357
to help you make your peace
with God before you die.
56
00:03:29,967 --> 00:03:31,639
Oh, hello.
57
00:03:32,047 --> 00:03:33,480
Your Majesty,
58
00:03:33,567 --> 00:03:36,957
I can arrange for certain monies
to be paid to allow you to escape.
59
00:03:37,047 --> 00:03:39,038
Blackadder! You're dressed as a priest.
60
00:03:39,127 --> 00:03:42,483
How... How dangerous
and stupid and perverted.
61
00:03:42,727 --> 00:03:44,319
It's just like school.
62
00:03:44,407 --> 00:03:47,160
Look, sire, this is a matter
of life and death.
63
00:03:47,407 --> 00:03:50,399
Nonsense, Blackadder. I don't
think there's a jury in England
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00:03:50,487 --> 00:03:53,047
that would bring in a verdict
of guilty against me.
65
00:03:53,127 --> 00:03:56,039
- Your Majesty, the verdict of the jury.
- Thank you.
66
00:03:56,127 --> 00:03:59,324
So, what does it say?
Guilty or not guilty?
67
00:03:59,927 --> 00:04:01,963
I'll give you two guesses.
68
00:04:03,007 --> 00:04:04,360
Not guilty.
69
00:04:05,087 --> 00:04:06,600
One more guess.
70
00:04:10,887 --> 00:04:12,161
Oh, damn.
71
00:04:13,567 --> 00:04:17,037
One measly civil war
in the entire history of England
72
00:04:17,127 --> 00:04:19,516
and I'm on the wrong bloody side.
73
00:04:21,447 --> 00:04:22,800
Something wrong, sir?
74
00:04:22,887 --> 00:04:25,720
Yes, Baldrick. Yes, there is.
Don't you realise if the king dies,
75
00:04:25,807 --> 00:04:27,763
we royalists are doomed?
76
00:04:27,887 --> 00:04:30,321
We will enter a hideous age
of Puritanism.
77
00:04:30,407 --> 00:04:32,443
They'll close all the theatres,
78
00:04:32,527 --> 00:04:35,360
lace handkerchiefs for men
will be illegal
79
00:04:36,207 --> 00:04:38,675
and I won't be able to find
a friendly face to sit on
80
00:04:38,767 --> 00:04:40,598
this side of Boulogne.
81
00:04:42,007 --> 00:04:44,362
If they so much as suspect
our loyalties,
82
00:04:44,447 --> 00:04:47,484
our property will be forfeit
and we'll be for the chop.
83
00:04:47,567 --> 00:04:49,239
Ooh, I love chops.
84
00:04:51,127 --> 00:04:54,642
Baldrick, your brain is like
85
00:04:54,727 --> 00:04:59,198
the four-headed, man-eating
haddock fish beast of Aberdeen.
86
00:05:00,407 --> 00:05:03,205
- In what way?
- It doesn't exist.
87
00:05:04,487 --> 00:05:06,318
Oh, God, what are we going to do?
88
00:05:06,407 --> 00:05:08,875
Don't despair, sir.
Something'll pop up.
89
00:05:08,967 --> 00:05:11,242
Not under Puritanism it won't.
90
00:05:12,407 --> 00:05:14,204
We must do something.
91
00:05:15,447 --> 00:05:17,642
We must do something,
otherwise the Blackadders
92
00:05:17,727 --> 00:05:19,558
are as doomed as that ant.
93
00:05:19,647 --> 00:05:20,921
What ant?
94
00:05:23,327 --> 00:05:24,601
That one.
95
00:05:25,207 --> 00:05:28,961
So this is the day of
the execution of Charles I.
96
00:05:29,727 --> 00:05:31,922
Absolutely not, Your Majesty.
97
00:05:32,247 --> 00:05:36,923
Those Roundhead traitors have one final
hurdle that they will never straddle.
98
00:05:37,087 --> 00:05:39,555
How fascinating.
And what is that, exactly?
99
00:05:39,647 --> 00:05:41,842
They will never find
a man to behead you.
100
00:05:41,927 --> 00:05:44,202
They'd have hundreds of volunteers
to cut Cromwell's head off,
101
00:05:44,287 --> 00:05:45,800
he's such an ugly devil.
102
00:05:45,887 --> 00:05:48,799
He's got so many warts on his face,
it's only when he sneezes
103
00:05:48,887 --> 00:05:51,640
that you find out
which one is his nose.
104
00:05:53,207 --> 00:05:55,163
But they will never find
a man to execute you.
105
00:05:55,247 --> 00:05:58,080
Well, you see, I find
that absolutely tragic.
106
00:05:58,167 --> 00:06:02,683
You know, there are so many young people
who would leap at a chance like this.
107
00:06:02,767 --> 00:06:06,203
And you know, all they need
is the initiative somehow.
108
00:06:06,527 --> 00:06:10,042
I suppose, in a sense, that's
what my award scheme is all about.
109
00:06:10,127 --> 00:06:11,560
- Really?
- Yes.
110
00:06:11,647 --> 00:06:14,480
On the other hand, of course,
I don't want my head cut off.
111
00:06:14,567 --> 00:06:16,717
Uh, it's a question of balance,
isn't it, like so many things...
112
00:06:16,807 --> 00:06:19,446
Shut up, with the greatest respect,
Your Majesty.
113
00:06:19,527 --> 00:06:21,722
- Thank you.
- They will never find an executioner.
114
00:06:21,807 --> 00:06:25,925
And if they do, may my conjugal dipstick
turn into a tennis racket.
115
00:06:28,127 --> 00:06:30,595
- A message for the King.
- Ah, thank you.
116
00:06:34,207 --> 00:06:35,242
Ah.
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00:06:35,447 --> 00:06:37,244
(TENNIS RETURN POPS)
118
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♪ There's a tavern in the town ♪
In the town!
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For God's sakes, stop that, Baldrick.
120
00:06:48,047 --> 00:06:51,119
It's bad enough having one's life
in utter ruins without being serenaded
121
00:06:51,207 --> 00:06:55,439
by a moron with all the entertainment
value of a tap-dancing oyster.
122
00:06:56,847 --> 00:07:01,125
I'm sorry, sir. I can't help it.
See, I've just had a little windfall.
123
00:07:01,327 --> 00:07:03,158
Baldrick, I've told you before,
if you're going to do that,
124
00:07:03,247 --> 00:07:04,965
go into the garden.
125
00:07:06,287 --> 00:07:08,403
I mean, I've come into some money.
126
00:07:08,487 --> 00:07:10,557
Really? Family inheritance?
127
00:07:10,687 --> 00:07:12,643
No, I ate that ages ago.
128
00:07:13,687 --> 00:07:17,805
Oh, yes, of course, your thoughtful
father bequeathed you a turnip.
129
00:07:18,447 --> 00:07:21,166
No, it was ã50, actually.
It was delicious.
130
00:07:21,247 --> 00:07:24,398
But this is just a little
something that fell in my lap.
131
00:07:24,487 --> 00:07:28,275
Not the first time that there's been a
little something in your lap, Baldrick.
132
00:07:28,407 --> 00:07:30,557
No, but this one is a job.
133
00:07:31,047 --> 00:07:33,277
Really? I just don't understand it.
134
00:07:33,367 --> 00:07:37,645
Where on Earth did they find a man
so utterly without heart and soul,
135
00:07:37,727 --> 00:07:43,643
so low and degraded as to accept the
job of beheading the King of England?
136
00:07:49,207 --> 00:07:51,960
- Baldrick?
- Yes.
137
00:07:52,047 --> 00:07:54,322
That little job that
fell into your lap.
138
00:07:54,527 --> 00:07:55,642
Yes?
139
00:07:55,727 --> 00:07:58,321
It wasn't by any chance
something to do with an axe,
140
00:07:58,407 --> 00:08:01,399
a basket, a little black mask
and the King of England?
141
00:08:01,487 --> 00:08:02,522
No.
142
00:08:02,767 --> 00:08:05,156
- Go on.
- I couldn't find a basket.
143
00:08:05,527 --> 00:08:10,726
-You very small, total bastard.
-Oh, please, sir. Don't kill me!
144
00:08:10,807 --> 00:08:13,082
I have a cunning plan to save the King.
145
00:08:13,167 --> 00:08:15,556
Forgive me if I don't do
a cartwheel of joy.
146
00:08:15,647 --> 00:08:18,559
Your family's record in the
department of cunning planning
147
00:08:18,647 --> 00:08:23,402
is about as impressive as Stumpy
O'Leg McNoleg's personal best
148
00:08:23,487 --> 00:08:25,921
in the Market Harborough marathon.
149
00:08:27,847 --> 00:08:29,917
All right, what's the plan?
150
00:08:32,327 --> 00:08:35,717
A pumpkin is going to save the King?
151
00:08:36,127 --> 00:08:38,402
Ah! But over here,
152
00:08:39,447 --> 00:08:41,915
I have one that I prepared earlier.
153
00:08:44,327 --> 00:08:47,683
I will balance it on the
King's head, like this,
154
00:08:48,087 --> 00:08:51,523
then I will cover his real head
with a cloak
155
00:08:51,607 --> 00:08:55,441
and then, when I execute him,
instead of cutting off his real head,
156
00:08:55,527 --> 00:08:59,805
I will cut off the pumpkin,
and the King survives!
157
00:09:00,887 --> 00:09:03,606
I'm not sure it's going
to work, Balders.
158
00:09:03,687 --> 00:09:04,961
Why not?
159
00:09:05,047 --> 00:09:07,003
Because once you've cut it off,
you have to hold it up
160
00:09:07,087 --> 00:09:10,443
in front of the crowd and say,
"This is the head of a traitor."
161
00:09:10,527 --> 00:09:13,599
At which point, they will shout back,
"No, it's not. It's a large pumpkin
162
00:09:13,687 --> 00:09:16,360
with a pathetic moustache drawn on it."
163
00:09:17,007 --> 00:09:19,282
I suppose it's not 100% convincing.
164
00:09:19,367 --> 00:09:22,564
It's not 1% convincing, Baldrick.
165
00:09:22,647 --> 00:09:26,686
However, I'm a busy man and I can't be
bothered to punch you at the moment.
166
00:09:26,767 --> 00:09:29,804
Here is my fist, kindly run
towards it as fast as you can.
167
00:09:29,887 --> 00:09:31,161
Yes, sir.
168
00:09:34,167 --> 00:09:38,206
I just, I just don't understand it.
What possessed you to take the job?
169
00:09:38,287 --> 00:09:42,838
Oh, I'm sorry, sir. It was
just a wild, silly, foolish plan.
170
00:09:42,927 --> 00:09:46,283
I thought with the money I got
from executing the King,
171
00:09:46,367 --> 00:09:49,757
I could sneak out and buy a brand
new king when no one was looking
172
00:09:49,847 --> 00:09:53,283
and pop him back on the throne
without anyone noticing.
173
00:09:53,367 --> 00:09:56,404
Your head is as empty
as a eunuch's underpants.
174
00:09:58,287 --> 00:10:01,006
You'd do anything for 30 pieces
of silver, wouldn't you?
175
00:10:01,087 --> 00:10:04,557
It was a thousand pounds,
actually, sir. Plus tip.
176
00:10:07,167 --> 00:10:09,681
Well, I suppose somebody's
got to do it, haven't they?
177
00:10:09,767 --> 00:10:11,325
And if it's going to be done,
it's got to be done
178
00:10:11,407 --> 00:10:14,319
in a single stroke by someone
who actually owns an axe.
179
00:10:14,407 --> 00:10:16,204
We don't want you hacking
away at it all afternoon
180
00:10:16,287 --> 00:10:18,403
with that cheap penknife of yours.
181
00:10:18,487 --> 00:10:21,081
It'd be so embarrassing to have
King Charles staggering around
182
00:10:21,167 --> 00:10:25,683
Hampton Court tomorrow morning with
his neck flapping like a fish's gills.
183
00:10:26,047 --> 00:10:27,958
- Sir, you don't mean...
- Yep.
184
00:10:28,047 --> 00:10:31,676
I'm doing it. Lend me your costume.
Then go meekly to the King
185
00:10:31,767 --> 00:10:33,439
and inform him
that Sir Edmund Blackadder
186
00:10:33,527 --> 00:10:35,677
cannot be with him tomorrow.
187
00:10:35,847 --> 00:10:39,522
And make sure you think up
a bloody good excuse.
188
00:10:40,807 --> 00:10:43,446
So that's why he can't be here. Sorry.
189
00:10:43,727 --> 00:10:46,639
I see. I quite understand. Yes.
190
00:10:48,767 --> 00:10:52,680
Sir! The moment has arrived.
Are you ready to meet your maker?
191
00:10:53,007 --> 00:10:55,885
Well, I'm always absolutely
fascinated to meet people
192
00:10:55,967 --> 00:11:00,563
from all walks of life, but yes,
particularly manufacturing industries.
193
00:11:00,727 --> 00:11:04,356
Well, then, have a quick walk
and talk with your executioner
194
00:11:04,447 --> 00:11:06,836
and let's get on with it.
- Right.
195
00:11:10,767 --> 00:11:13,235
Well, I'm sorry, my friend,
I'm alone here today.
196
00:11:13,327 --> 00:11:18,162
I had hoped that my good loyal
chum, Sir Edmund Blackadder,
197
00:11:18,247 --> 00:11:20,807
would be here with me.
But unfortunately,
198
00:11:20,887 --> 00:11:24,482
his wife's sister's puppy
fell into the strawberry patch.
199
00:11:25,647 --> 00:11:28,081
So naturally, he can't be with us.
200
00:11:28,847 --> 00:11:30,166
Aha.
201
00:11:30,447 --> 00:11:33,245
All I can do is bid
you do your duty well.
202
00:11:33,767 --> 00:11:35,997
Well, thank you, Your Majesty.
203
00:11:36,247 --> 00:11:39,478
And may I say how much
I mourn for your lot
204
00:11:39,567 --> 00:11:43,526
and bid you remember others
before you who have died unjustly.
205
00:11:43,607 --> 00:11:45,086
Thank you.
I take great solace from that.
206
00:11:45,167 --> 00:11:48,557
Sir Thomas More, for instance,
a great, generous man to the last.
207
00:11:48,647 --> 00:11:52,196
He apparently tipped
his executioner handsomely.
208
00:11:52,287 --> 00:11:55,404
Oh, I'm so sorry,
I thought service was included.
209
00:11:55,487 --> 00:11:57,796
I beg your pardon. Here you are.
210
00:11:59,007 --> 00:12:00,235
Hmm.
211
00:12:00,327 --> 00:12:03,478
- And then there was the Earl of Essex.
- Was there?
212
00:12:03,567 --> 00:12:04,920
A truly great man.
213
00:12:05,007 --> 00:12:09,080
They still sing his famous ballad
down the Chepstow Arms.
214
00:12:09,167 --> 00:12:10,441
What ballad is that?
215
00:12:10,527 --> 00:12:12,961
# The Earl,
he had a thousand sovereigns
216
00:12:13,047 --> 00:12:15,003
# Hey nonny no
217
00:12:15,087 --> 00:12:18,363
# Gave them all away
To the man with the axe
218
00:12:18,447 --> 00:12:19,596
♪ Oh ♪
219
00:12:20,607 --> 00:12:21,960
A thousand sovereigns!
220
00:12:22,047 --> 00:12:24,436
Well, you can't take it with you,
Your Majesty.
221
00:12:24,527 --> 00:12:27,678
Very true. Well, there you are.
Do keep the change.
222
00:12:27,767 --> 00:12:30,122
Thank you, Your Majesty.
Right. Should we go?
223
00:12:30,207 --> 00:12:31,686
Just a minute!
224
00:12:31,887 --> 00:12:34,640
That voice has a
strangely familiar ring.
225
00:12:35,087 --> 00:12:37,043
And so does that finger.
226
00:12:38,247 --> 00:12:39,600
Blackadder!
227
00:12:40,647 --> 00:12:42,399
Hello, Your Majesty.
228
00:12:42,687 --> 00:12:44,564
You cunning swine!
229
00:12:45,407 --> 00:12:48,956
- Yes, well, uh...
- Marvellous! Splendid!
230
00:12:49,047 --> 00:12:52,801
You've duped Cromwell and
you've concocted a cunning plan
231
00:12:52,887 --> 00:12:55,879
to help me and my infant
son escape to France.
232
00:12:56,327 --> 00:12:58,795
Ah, yes. That's right. Yes.
233
00:12:58,887 --> 00:13:02,675
So, let's put your cunning plan
into operation straight away.
234
00:13:03,087 --> 00:13:04,440
Yes, let's.
235
00:13:07,007 --> 00:13:10,443
- Well, you start the ball rolling.
- No, no. After you.
236
00:13:10,847 --> 00:13:12,724
Right, yes.
237
00:13:13,847 --> 00:13:17,362
Oh, yes. Yes, right.
And it's a very good plan.
238
00:13:17,607 --> 00:13:21,077
It's a staggering,
bowel-shatteringly good plan.
239
00:13:22,847 --> 00:13:26,760
- Is the King ready?
- He is. Come, Your Majesty.
240
00:13:40,207 --> 00:13:41,481
(THUDDING)
241
00:13:41,567 --> 00:13:42,886
(CROWD CHEERING)
242
00:13:42,967 --> 00:13:44,195
(CROWD SIGHING, DISAPPOINTED)
243
00:13:44,287 --> 00:13:46,596
BLACKADDER: This is
the head of a traitor!
244
00:13:46,687 --> 00:13:50,521
CROWD: No, it's not!
It's a huge pumpkin
245
00:13:50,607 --> 00:13:54,156
with a pathetic moustache drawn on it.
246
00:13:54,647 --> 00:13:57,798
BLACKADDER: Oh yes, so it is.
Sorry. I'll try again.
247
00:14:02,287 --> 00:14:03,606
(THUDDING)
248
00:14:03,687 --> 00:14:05,279
(CROWD CHEERING)
249
00:14:06,647 --> 00:14:09,400
Well, sir,
they can't say you didn't try.
250
00:14:09,807 --> 00:14:13,959
Now the future of the British monarchy
lies fast asleep in your arms,
251
00:14:14,047 --> 00:14:16,277
in the person of this infant prince.
252
00:14:16,367 --> 00:14:20,246
And with the money you've earned,
you and he can escape to France.
253
00:14:20,327 --> 00:14:21,646
Oh, quite.
254
00:14:22,087 --> 00:14:25,921
On the other hand, you can stay
here and as a known loyalist,
255
00:14:26,007 --> 00:14:27,804
the Roundheads will come
and cut your head off.
256
00:14:27,887 --> 00:14:29,002
Exactly, Baldrick.
257
00:14:29,087 --> 00:14:30,361
(POUNDING ON DOOR)
258
00:14:30,447 --> 00:14:32,199
- Oh, my God!
- Come out of the house!
259
00:14:32,287 --> 00:14:35,404
Oh no! We're surrounded! What'll we do?
260
00:14:35,487 --> 00:14:38,957
Well, at times like this, Baldrick,
there is no choice for a man of honour.
261
00:14:39,047 --> 00:14:42,960
He must stand and fight and die
in defence of his future sovereign.
262
00:14:43,047 --> 00:14:44,639
(POUNDING CONTINUES)
263
00:14:45,127 --> 00:14:47,721
But fortunately,
I am not a man of honour.
264
00:14:52,007 --> 00:14:55,397
Thank God you've come!
Seize the royalist scum!
21294
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