All language subtitles for The Neighborhood s03e10 Welcome to the Procedure.eng

Is it my turn?

No, we're still waiting
for Calvin to play.

Okay, uh, stop rushing me.

Dave took like ten minutes
to put down the word "cat."

Well, I was one letter away
from "catnip,"

but all I had
was this blank tile.

Damn it!

Okay, all right, here we go.

Here we go right here. F-I...

N-N-A.

Boom. Triple word score.

(laughs)

"Finna"?

What's "finna"?

You know, as in,

"I'm finna get
38 points for that word."

(mutters softly)

I'm pretty sure "finna"
isn't in the dictionary.

Well, Black people
say it all the time,

so if it's not,
your dictionary's racist.

Boom, triple word score.

Ah...

What's wrong?

I'm having some problems
with my wrist lately.

I think I might
have carpal tunnel.

Damn it. I could've
played "carpal," too.

Dave, if your wrist hurts,
you should see my doctor.

Dr. Richards is like family.

Calvin, Dr. Richards
died nine years ago.

He did?

Well, let that be a lesson.
Don't let family drift apart.

Seriously, Calvin?

You haven't seen a
doctor in nine years?

TINA:
No. I've been begging him

to get a physical
for the longest time,

but he just won't go.

That's because I don't need to.

Look, I'm so healthy,

I already outlived my doctor
by nine years.

Calvin, you should
really listen to Tina.

You know,
your health is important.

If I were you, I would
definitely be finna to go.

Gemma, you're right.
It's not a word.

♪ Welcome to the block,
welcome to the neighborhood ♪

♪ Welcome to the hood. ♪

Oh, hey, Calvin.

Hey, Dave.

What do you got there?

Oh, just some of my old
juggling clubs.

You know, I would say I didn't
know you juggled, but deep down,

I think I did.

Well, I haven't done it
in years,

so I might be a little rusty.

But I figured, hey, what's
the worst that could happen?

I don't know,
but whatever it is,

I am definitely
getting it on video.

Just got to do one last thing.

Whoa. Whoa,
you're setting them on fire?

I thought you said
you hadn't juggled in years.

That's crazy.

Well, maybe,
but not half as crazy

as skipping the doctor
for nine years.

So I guess you could say
we're both playing with fire.

Oh, okay.
So that's what this is about.

You know what? I take it back.

Go ahead.
Roast your marshmallows.

Okay.

Calvin, I'm serious.

You got to go
to the doctor every year.

It's really important.

Dave, I'm fine.

I treat my body like a temple.

It's probably why
so many people worship me.

Okay, I guess Tina was right.
You won't listen to reason.

So it looks like
I'm gonna have to try

something else
to get you to do it.

What?

Embarrass you.

If you don't go to the doctor,
I'm gonna make a T-shirt

that says
"Calvin is my best friend,"

and I'm gonna wear it
wherever we go.

Eh, you wouldn't.

I already did.

How'd you get that made so fast?

You just found out
about this last night.

Actually, I've had it
for a while.

I had it made
for our upcoming friendiversary.

Just picture it, Calvin.

You're in the barber shop
holding court,

I stroll in wearing this.

So what? I've been the big dog
around here a long time.

It'll take more than
a T-shirt to bring me down.

I figured you'd say that, which
is why I made it a tank top.

Okay, you know what?
Fine.

I'll go.

But if Dr. Richards
wasn't already dead,

this would've killed him.

Hey, here you go, bro.

(laughs)

Oh, man, it doesn't get
any better than this.

Two grown men,
making it on our own,

living our independent lives.

Marty, we live 60 feet
from Mom and Pop's house.

Exactly.

It's far enough away
to be independent

but close enough
to steal their Wi-Fi.

(knocking on door)

See? Okay.

I see. Yeah.

Yo.

Hey, little man.

MARTY: Hey.

What's up? Come on in.

We're having career day
at my school.

Since my dad came last year
and my mom's the principal,

and you have such an awesome job
at JPL, I thought I'd ask you.

Well, your friendly
neighborhood rocket scientist

gladly accepts your invitation.

Oh, I was actually
talking to Malcolm.

(laughs)

What?

But Malcolm's
just a security guard.

Uh, yeah, a security guard
who just watched you

blow up on takeoff.

What...?

Yeah, but that,
that makes no sense.

Why would you want him
instead of me?

Because security guards
are cool.

They've got uniforms
and handcuffs,

and he takes down
bad guys, right?

Well, you know, uh,

I do what I got to do.

Yeah, and what you got to do
is check I.D.'s

and let the pizza guy
up the elevator.

(chuckles)
And just for that, from now on,

the only lunch
I'm letting up is salad.

(gasps)

Whoa, guys, I didn't mean
to start a fight.

Look, Marty, if you want to,
you can come, too.

Yes! (laughs)

I'm gonna get started right now.

You guys are gonna see just
how fun math and science can be!

Great.

If he gets too boring,
you do what you got to do.

Well, I hope he has better news
for me than he had for you.

Okay, Mr. Butler,

I have the results from
your physical, and...

You know what? I'm fine.

I don't care
what your stupid test says.

Actually, they say
you're in amazing health.

Oh, well, tests don't lie.

I told you he's a good doctor.
You should've listened to him.

Your cholesterol is good,
your blood pressure is low--

all your numbers look great.

Huh. Terrific.

Now all we've got to do is
schedule your colonoscopy.

Uh, say what, now?

Your colonoscopy?
When it comes to colon cancer,

early detection
can save your life.

It's standard procedure
for anyone over 45.

Well, great, so there's no rush.

I plan on being over 45

the rest of my life.

Look, I know the idea makes
a lot of men uncomfortable,

but trust me,
it's not a big deal.

First, you'll be put to sleep.

Then we insert a small camera
into the rectum.

From there, it travels

through your large intestine,

then it zigs and it zags

deeper and deeper
all the way

up here into your
small intestine,

taking pictures along the way.

Then we just
reel it back in, and...

(pops)
...out pops the camera.

Well, that all
sounds delightful,

but, um... (pops)

that's a hard pass.

(sighs)
Hey, man.

Oh, hey, Malcolm.

Whoa, what is under there?

Uh, Marty?

If it's another Lego Death Star,

you don't need to hide it
from me, man.

I already know you're a dork.

For your information, that
was not the Death Star.

That was the planet Tatooine.

Okay? So who's the dork now?

Right, okay, so, uh,

what is it?

Uh, just a little
something to ensure

that I win career day.

"Win career day"?

Mm-hmm.

I didn't realize
it was a competition.

Oh, it won't be,
because I have this.

Marty, I don't want to know

what you do
with that robot hand,

and I'm sure
the kids won't, either.

Malcolm, meet Elliot,

a fully articulated bionic
limb designed to make

exterior repairs to the
International Space Station.

He also gives
pretty sweet fist bumps.

(exhales sharply, laughs)

(laughs)
All right.

That is pretty impressive.

I know, right?

Yeah, but I'm not worried
about it, because I have this.

A stun gun?

Please. Elliot can crush steel

and survive temperatures
down to 500 degrees below zero.

How can a stun gun compete?

Maybe like this.

(shouts)
Malcolm, are you crazy?

Do you know how long
this is gonna take me to fix?

Hopefully not too long,
because I would love

to do that again
in front of the kids.

(laughs)

Oh, hey, babe.

So, what did the doctor say?

Exactly what I
told you he would.

I'm in perfect health.

You know, I hate to say it,
but, uh,

I think I'm gonna
outlive this one, too.

Well, that is such a relief.

Did he say anything else?

Uh, no, uh, not that I recall.

I am so happy to hear that.

You know what? And to celebrate,

I've got something
very special planned for you.

Okay. Uh, what's that?

I scheduled your colonoscopy.

Uh, s-say what, now?

The doctor's office called.

How could you leave there

without scheduling
an appointment?

Come on, Tina.
The doctor said I was healthy.

Isn't that good enough?

No, Calvin,
that is not good enough.

You know, I looked it up online.

Do you know that one in every
48 men will get colon cancer?

And that number
is even worse for Black men.

Well, you know what's worse
for this Black man?

Is having someone turn
my ass into a photo booth.

Calvin, this is nonnegotiable.

You're too important to me.

So here.

What's that?

It's your dinner for tonight.

It's a stimulant laxative
that will

flush out your system.

Come on, Tina. Quit playing.

I don't want that stuff
inside my body.

Oh, don't worry, baby.

It won't be for long.

Morning, babe. How you feeling?

Terrible.
That laxative had me running

to the bathroom all night.

Aw, poor baby. I would hug you,

but squeezing you right now
might not be a good idea.

Don't worry, Tina.
There's nothing left.

I haven't felt this empty
since N.W.A broke up.

W-Well, wait.
What are you doing sitting down?

You got to go get dressed
for your appointment.

You know, I was thinking
about rescheduling.

We got a big shipment
coming into the shop today.

Calvin, it's a box
of air fresheners.

I know.
I just need to be there

to make sure Hector
doesn't steal 'em

like he does the paper towels.

Calvin, I can take care
of the shop.

(knock on door)

Oh, hold on.
If you're at the shop

and the doctor says
I can't drive myself,

who's taking me?

Oh, hey, buddy.
Ready to go?

Seriously? Dave's taking me
to my colonoscopy?

Why not? You always said
he was a pain in the ass.

Just think of him as
the pregame warm-up.

Hey, Gemma.

Hey, Malcolm.
Where's Marty?

I thought he was coming, too.

Uh, I don't know.

Maybe we should check
the lockers.

He has a long history
of getting stuffed in 'em.

Okay, class, let's get started.

I just stopped by because
Grover's special guest

for career day is
a close friend of mine.

In fact, he's so close,
he's actually my neighbor!

Okay, take it away, Grover.

I told her that wouldn't work.

My career day guest
has the coolest job ever.

I don't want to brag, but
he's pretty much a superhero,

and his name is
Malcolm Butler!

Well, thank you, G-man.

I don't know if I would say
superhero, but then again,

that's exactly what
a superhero would say.

(chuckles)

Now, as a security guard,

my job is to keep people safe.

Which is why I always
make sure...

(loud fanfare playing)

♪ ♪

What's up, tiny Earthlings?

Are you kidding me?

This is so cool.

Guys, this is Marty.

He's, uh, uh,
what's-his-name's brother.

Sorry I'm late, guys.
It was hard to find parking...

for my spaceship. Oh!

Okay, it's in that
parking lot up there.

Okay.

You know, I'm really glad
you decided to do this.

After all, the
healthier you are,

the longer we get
to be friends.

Yeah. You know,
I thought about that, too,

and then I decided
to do it anyway.

Good, we're here,
so pull in that space.

Okay.

Wait a second, uh...

I don't see
a doctor's office.

All I see is a
Dave & Buster's.

Because that's where
we're going, Dave.

Happy friendiversary.

Okay, Calvin, we are supposed
to be going to your colonoscopy,

not combining all the
innocent fun of childhood

with the alcoholic
fun of adulthood.

I know, I know,
but a colonoscopy,

that's just about me.

A friendiversary is about us.

(sighs heavily)

You have no idea how long
I've waited to hear those words.

But no, Calvin, I won't do it.

Your health is too important.

Oh, come on.

What could possibly
be more important

than spending a full day of
uninterrupted fun with your...

...BFF?

That is a dirty trick, Calvin.

And what's worse is
you didn't tell me

so I could have worn mine.

Come on, Dave,
so what's it gonna be?

We gonna do this or what?

Calvin, I don't know.

All right, okay,
how about this?

We play one game of Skee-Ball.

If you win, I go ahead
and get my colonoscopy.

If I win, you treat
my recently evacuated colon

to hot wings and beer.

Okay, you know what, fine.

If that's the only way that I
can make you do it, then I'm in.

Great. Come on, let's go.

But FYI, that shirt would look
a lot cooler as a tank top.

Hey.

Well, there he is.

The world's first
jackass-tronaut.

Hey, don't be mad at me.

It's not my fault the kids voted
to have a mural of me

painted on the handball court.

Well, congratulations, Marty.

You officially won career day
and made me look like a chump.

Oh, come on, man,
that's not what I meant to do.

Well, what did you mean to do?

Malcolm, ever since
we were kids,

you were always the cool one,
but I was the nerd.

The geek. The...

whatever else Dad
used to call me.

Oh, you mean like poindexter

and brainiac.

My favorite was
dork chocolate.

It's hard to forget that one

when he wrote it
on my birthday cake.

I mean, I know
it might sound dumb,

but I was really excited
to go back to school for a day

and be the cool guy I never was.

Oh, come on, man,
you were cool.

Oh, yeah, right.

No, I'm serious, Marty.

I mean, I'm a really
confident dude,

but I think I would have
felt ridiculous

walking into that classroom
in a damn space suit.

But not you.

You owned it.

And if owning who you are
is not cool,

then, little brother,
I don't know what is.

It was pretty cool, right?

Yeah.

And the lunch lady even gave me
her phone number.

(both laugh)

You see, man, you should
keep that suit.

A lunch lady today,

maybe someone under 60 tomorrow.

I wish I could keep it.

Too bad it's
a top secret prototype

worth a million dollars.

What? You snuck
a million-dollar space suit

out of a high-security facility

to impress a bunch
of fourth-graders?

Are you crazy?!

I don't know, but I'll tell you
what's crazier.

You're gonna help me
sneak it back in.

(laughs):
Uh-uh.

There's no way, man. Why would I
risk my job to do that?

Well, because I snuck it out
on your watch.

Grab the suit. Let's go.

Okay.

(bell rings)

Yes!

Another 30. You are definitely
getting your colonoscopy today.

This isn't fair.

You didn't tell me
you were great at Skee-Ball.

That's right.
Because if I did,

you might have
picked Whac-A-Mole.

It just makes me feel weird

smashing those cute
little guys over the head.

Well, I can still win this thing

if I get that hundred
in the corner.

Please, Calvin,
nobody ever hits those.

You might as well give up now.

Uh-uh.

If I get this ball
in that hole,

that means no one's
getting near mine.

♪ ♪

(bell rings)

Oh!

(laughing)

How the hell'd you do that?

Well, let's just say I was

literally fighting
to save my ass.

Okay, you know what,
Calvin, fine, you win.

But I don't...
I don't get it.

You know, you are one of
the toughest guys I know.

How are you this afraid
of a minor medical procedure?

It's not the procedure
I'm afraid of, Dave.

Okay, well, then what is it?

What if they find something?
All right?

I just got a clean bill
of health.

I want to quit while I'm ahead.

Okay, Calvin,
what does that even mean?

It means if I'm sick,
I don't want to know.

Look, Tina said that
one out of 48 men

get colon cancer.

What if I'm number 48?

But not knowing doesn't
keep you from being sick.

It keeps you from being able
to do anything about it.

Look, I know this
doesn't make any sense,

but this disease is
even worse for Black men,

and... I just can't think
of the possibility

of not being there
for my family.

Yeah, but isn't family
the whole point?

I mean, how would...
how would you feel

if Tina or the boys
were in your situation?

Wouldn't you want them
to know the truth

so if there was
some sort of bad news

they could do something
about it?

Of course I would.

Well, then don't you think
you owe it to them

to do the same?

Come on, Calvin,
you know I'm right.

Fine. Let's go.

Great.

But before we do, I want you
to know something, Dave.

You are my BFF.

Thank you.

You know, with you
wearing that shirt,

well, it'll kind of be like,

you know, we're in
that room together.

And you took it too far!

Smells good, babe.
What are we having?

Well, in honor of the good news
about your colonoscopy,

I thought we'd celebrate
with rump roast.

(laughter)

Very funny. Go ahead.

Get it out of your system.

After that orange laxative,
I know I did.

Well, seriously, Pop,

I'm really glad that
you went through with it.

Yeah, Dad, we're
proud of you, man.

I mean, I would have preferred
you showed us the pictures

after dinner, but still.

Well, what's important is
now we know that you're gonna

be with us a long time.

Yeah. And pretty soon, we'll
know the same about you.

Ah. What do you mean?

Well, I talked
to your doctor today

and scheduled your colonoscopy.

Say what, now?

Babe, it's just as important
that women get them, too.

So, here you go.

(pops)

Enjoy your dinner.

Colon cancer is 90% treatable
if detected early.

Go to
StandUpToCancer.org/ColonCancer

for information
on which screening test

may be right for you.

Captioning sponsored by
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and TOYOTA.

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