Original subtitles

" For he himself has said it"

" And it's greatly to his credit"

" That he is an Englishman"

" That he is an Englishman"

" For he might have been a Roosian"

" A French, or Turk, or Proosian"

" Or perhaps Itali-an!"

" Or perhaps Itali-an!"

" But in spite of all temptations"

" To belong to other nations"

" He remains an Englishman!"

" He remains an Eng`Eng-Eng-Eng

" Englishman! "

Oh!

Watford 0-5-7-9.

Hello, Ross.

Nothing much. You?

What time?

OK, I'll see you there.

Right, cheers.

Oh!

Oh!

Oh, shit.

Because he gets up in the morning

And he goes to work at nine

And he comes back home at five-thirty

Gets the same train every time

And he's, oh, so healthy

In his body and his mind.

He's a well-respected man about town

? Doing the best things so conservatively ?

"A Well Respected Man" - The Kinks

There he is, the late Mr Sloane. Where have you been, son?

Sorry, I got hung up on a broken pipe.

What's with the plaster on your head?

Were you getting roughed up by some wild tart when I rang? Who?

No, I banged it on a cupboard. Silly, isn't it? Oh, yeah?

That same cupboard that gave you that love bite you're trying to hide under your shirt?

Oi, oi! It's not a love bite. It's a shaving rash. Oh, is it? Right.

Here you go, mate. This pint's yours.

Ooh! Thanks, Beans, but

I think I'm just going to have a half tonight, actually.

"Hi Ho Silver Lining" - Jeff Beck

Sloaney, what's wrong? Nothing's wrong.

Just trying to cut back a bit, that's all.

Oh, you had us going there, mate. Good one.

There'll be no cutting back on anything. We've got a double celebration on our hands.

Oh, Reg, Reg, Reg, Reg. Don't be daft, he won't mind.

I won't mind what? Our mate, Mr Ross Baynard here,

after nine years hard labour at Lynch and Saunders...

Which I owe all to Sloaney. Cheers to that.

Anyway, our mate has now received a well-earned promotion to...

What is it again, Ross? Supervising Accounts Manager.

Supervising Accounts Manager, whatever that means.

Wow! That's really great.

Listen, Sloaney, I hope this isn't awkward for you.

No. Why would it be? Well, you know,

I know this was the promotion that you were up for

before you, you know...

Um, look, it's not like I was vying for it.

It's brilliant.

You know, it's like keeping it in the family. Yeah.

Cheers, well done. Cheers. Cheers, thanks, Sloaney. Well done.

Daddy, I'm tired and I have school tomorrow.

Oh, yeah, sorry, son. OK, let daddy get his car keys.

All right, Brian? Hey, Brian. Hi, fellas.

There you go, son. Wait in the car for daddy.

I'll just be another hour or so, OK.

Oh, and if you get cold, the dog blanket is in the boot.

I know.

See you, Brian. See you, Brian.

It's great being a dad. Mm, what was the second piece of news?

Oh, yeah, Reggie's getting married. Huh?

I said, Reggie is getting married. Oh yeah, right.

Julie and I are getting married. Well, that is a surprise.

I know. I know I said I'd never get married again

after Nancy but I still feel about Julie the same as the day I met her.

Well, it's been what two weeks? Almost three. Almost three.

I'm sorry, my mistake. At least I've been having fun since being single,

not always whingeing on like some people. You.

I'm not single. Merely separated. When Janet sorts herself out,

we'll be back better than ever.

Do you really think Janet's going to turn up at your front door after all this time? Yeah, well, why not?

She's only just gone to find herself. Find herself. Yeah, yeah.

Still don't know what that means. Sloane and I are the lucky ones, right, Sloaney? Mm.

We got our freedom. We don't have to answer to nobody. Beans!

Your mum wants you home. I'm off. Hang on, Beans. I've got a toast.

This is an auspicious time for us.

New jobs, new wives, a new decade.

The 1970s will soon be upon us and our youth will soon be behind us.

So let's enjoy it while we can but let's do it together.

Together. Together. Together, cheers. Cheers.

Right, I'm off. See you later.

Mm.

Waste not want not.

"Do you know why policemen were originally called Peelers?"

" The Stripper""

" God Save The Queen"

Long live our no...

? ..ble queen God save Queen ?

Ohhhh!

Huh!

Would you like to sit down?

Oh, no, thank you, that's very kind. I'm getting off at the next stop.

Hmm. When's it due?

Excuse me? Your little arrival.

When's it due? I'm not...

Nothing is due. I'm prone to bloat. And you are very rude!

I beg your pardon. Please mind your own business.

Well done.

Thank you for the show of support.

It was like a car crash happening in slow motion.

I was powerless to stop it.

I can tell by your solemn demeanour that you regret not coming to my aid.

I think the rule of thumb is never ask a woman if she's pregnant, even if her waters have just broken.

Yeah, sage advice. I'd do well to remember that.

Spanner. All right, I already said it was a mistake.

Seven down. "Wrench with fixed jaws."

Ah, yes.

Thank you very much.

Though, to be honest, I'm not really doing it properly.

I just like to sit on public transport

filling in random words so strangers think I'm clever.

It's obviously very effective.

Um, I'm Jeremy, by the way.

Janet. Hello.

Well, this is where I get off, said the actress to the bishop.

I know. You know? I'm on this train every morning, I see you.

I see. Well, likely, I'll see you again then. We'll see.

Hmm. Have a good day.

Huh!

Ha!

Good morning, Mr Sloane. Good morning.

Good morning, Mr Sloane. Good morning.

Good morning, Mr Sloane. Good morning.

Good morning. Good morning, tosser.

That's Mr Tosser to you, dear minion.

Sorry, no disrespect intended. Good morning, Mr Tosser.

That's better. You're here awfully early.

Your greyhound's not running today?

I wanted to finish the Kenton profit and loss, on your desk.

Wow!

Yes. Yeah, very fast.

- You didn't hire me just because I was good looking, did you? - Not just, no.

Morning, boys. Morning. Morning, Mr Saunders.

How's the new chap working out?

Ah, well I'm afraid we may have to let him go, sir.

He's a little too ambitious for my blood.

Well, that's good enough for me. Baynard, you're sacked.

Everything else all right? Yes. I'd say more than all right.

Ooh, well that sounds intriguing. Care to extrapolate?

Actually, something happened to me on the Tube this morning.

Well, go on, son.

I think I met a girl.

Sloaney, that's brilliant.

You think you met her, or you think she's a girl?

Well, both, I hope. Excellent news.

I was starting to get worried about you, Sloane. My advice?

Marry her. Well, I might have to ask her out first.

Ooh, it's a mere technicality. Look, I know you, Sloane.

You're meant to be married. You need regularity,

stability, predictability. Yeah, this sounds like kismet to me.

Kismet. I mean, look at Ethel and I.

We were perfectly happy for 20 years

and then we met.

He always does it. Well, come along, boys, time is money. Yes.

Yes, absolutely. Jeremy Sloane, you old dog. What's her name?

Her name is Janet. Janet. Look at us, Sloaney.

The gods are really smiling down on us.

I'm finally employed, me and Sandra have got baby Brian,

Reggie and Nancy are married, Beans is looking to move out of his mum's house,

and now you and Janet. The '60s are going to be our decade, my son.

I can feel it. Pub tonight?

No, I'm trying to cut back. I think this beer's keeping me weighty.

All right, fine. What's a pint with friends?

I can cut back tomorrow. That's more like it.

Hey, back to work, please. All right, Mr Tosser.

What?

Oh!

Watford 0-5-7-9.

"Yes, is this Mr Jeremy Sloane?"

Speaking. "Mr Sloane, this is Lucille Bates,"

"deputy head of St Paul's Primary School in Harrow."

"Hello?" Yes. Yes, I'm sorry.

"We received your CV a few weeks ago."

"It so happens we have a teacher absent today

and nobody available to take her class."

"Would you possibly be interested in filling in?"

Certainly. What time?

"School starts at 8:45."

"You should arrive at 8:30 to be briefed by Headmaster Whitmore."

Right, lovely.

Rising early in the morning

We proceed to light the fire

Then our Majesty adorning Hmm! Argh!

In its work-a-day attire

We embark without delay

On the duties of the day

Oh, philosophers may sing of the troubles of a king

But of pleasures there are many and of troubles there are none

And the culminating pleasure that we treasure beyond measure

? Is the gratifying feeling that our duty has been done ?

Oh, Mr Sloane? Ah, shit.

Mr Sloane. Hello, Mrs Wyndham.

Hello, Nigel. You're up bright and early today.

Yes, first day of a new job. So if you'll excuse me...

How exciting. What is it? It is teaching, Mrs Wyndham.

Now if you'll excuse me. Sounds like you were quite late home last night.

Yes, well, my book group are reading War And Peace so we overran a little.

What's happened to your forehead? I banged it on a church pew whilst genuflecting.

Now I really have to go, Mrs Wyndham.

Any word when Mrs Sloane will be back from visiting her sick mother?

Any day now, any day. Well, I'm off.

Oh! I almost forgot.

This came for you yesterday, all the way from America.

I signed for it since you weren't here. Thank you, Mrs Wyndham.

It's from the Academy of the Mind. Now what on earth could that be?

It's just... It's some foreign language tapes I've been expecting.

What language are you studying?

Parlez-vous francais?

"Success Is Yours." Hm.

"Congratulations. By purchasing the scientifically proven

Success Is Yours Programme, you have already taken

the first step towards realising all your goals."

"Let's start by repeating out loud a series of positive messages

that will unlock your full potential."

"Ready? Repeat after me."

"I know exactly where I'm going in life."

Ah, shit! I just missed my bloody turn. "Excellent."

"Let's try another. I will be more open with my feelings."

I won't lie to you. It's not easy. It is not easy.

It's one thing to get sacked from your job of ten years.

It's another to come home and find your wife

leaving you on the very same day.

She said she had to find herself, whatever that means.

What does it mean?

I can't tell you how, how rough it's been.

Just last night, I considered ending it all.

Look at that.Look at it.

Hm? You looking? You know what that is?

That's rope burn. Rope burn.

I'm not proud of it but there it is.

You smell like beer. What? Really? Mr Sloane?

Yes. Mr Whitmore will see you now.

Yes. You're a very good listener.

Sloane, is it? Yes.

Yes. Jeremy Sloane.

With an "E", like Sloane Square.

Are you feeling all right? You look a little green around the gills.

No, no, I'm fine, fine.

Just been up all night reading...

..reading the encyclopaedia. I got to volume "S",

which is one of my favourites. It's the big one.

Well, if today goes well, we may need to keep you on until

we can find a permanent replacement for Mrs Pitman.

Oh, was she sacked? She's dead.

Sorry? Her husband called this morning.

She never woke up. Apparently, went in her sleep.

Oh, well, that is good news, isn't it?

No, I mean the going in her sleep.

Not the death. The death is... It's horrible, it's tragic. Yes.

And she was one of our most popular teachers too.

Her pupils adored her. Oh, and how have they taken the news?

Sorry to disturb you, Mr Whitmore, but Mr Pitman is on the phone.

Ah, I'll need to take this.

Would you ask Mrs Bates to show Mr Sloane to Mrs Pitman's class?

Sorry to cut this short. Good luck today.

Thank you. My condolences to you.

And you may want to give the encyclopaedia a miss tonight.

Yes, "T" can wait till the weekend.

Oh!

Oh! Cut.

Boys and girls, this is Mr Sloane.

He will be covering for Mrs Pitman today.

Let us please welcome Mr Sloane with a "Good morning".

Good morning, Mr Sloane.

Good morning, boys and girls. Very good.

I expect you to treat Mr Sloane

with the same respect that you would show Mrs Pitman.

I'll leave them in your good hands, Mr Sloane. Thank you, Mrs Bates.

Well, as Mrs Bates said, my name is Mr Sloane.

Let me make that easy for you to remember.

Excuse me?

Who's the comedian? I'm sorry, Mr Sloane.

I have a cold and my nose is full of snot.

It's true, sir, he can't help it.

Fine. Well, if you need to blow your nose, please use a tissue.

Don't disrupt the class. Yes, Mr Sloane.

Right!

Disrespect will not be tolerated.

I understand you are all very upset over the death of Mrs Pitman.

What? That's not funny. That's a terrible joke.

It's not a joke. Take it back and say you're sorry.

We love Mrs Pitman!

Ah!

Argh!

You, child! Run and get the headmaster

or the deputy head, any grown-up, quickly!

Oh, God!

Children, take your seats immediately!

Good God!

What happened? I merely mentioned the death of Mrs Pitman.

You did what? Why on earth did you do that?

I thought they had been told. Heavens, no.

We were going to announce it at a special assembly after lunch.

We've been working on a speech to break the news gently.

I could have sworn you told me they knew. I said nothing of the kind.

Children! That's enough now. Take your seats.

We want him to go. He's a loony. I'm not a loony.

Mr Sloane, you should wait in the staff room until further notice.

Yes, yes, I think that's probably a good idea, headmaster.

Sorry. I don't know where it is. Mrs Bates will escort you.

Class, I want you in your seats.

And that means all of you.

Sorry. Sorry.

Sloane.

Sloane. Like Sloane Square.

Oh!

"Woman".

Huh!

Penny for your thoughts, Mrs Sloane?

Oh, no-one's ever called me that before.

I should hope not.

I was thinking how sweet it was of Beans to bring his mother to the wedding. Yeah. Good old Beans.

And I thought Ross did a lovely speech.

Did you really save his life or was he speaking figuratively?

It's not like I dragged him out of a burning building

but when I got him the job, he owed a lot of money to some very bad people.

Oh, dear. I didn't know the gambling was that bad.

Back then, yeah. But enough about my friends.

Tell me, look down the road ahead of us.

Do you see what I see?

A lorry?

Not a lorry. I'm talking about our future together. Ah!

What does it look like, sausage? It looks beautiful.

I see adventure. I see travel to exotic places.

I see a life of art, music, culture, romance.

Candlelight dinners, dancing on moonlit beaches.

Oh, it sounds wonderful. I love our future.

You're not... You're not disappointed by our honeymoon destination?

No. No, not at all.

Never been to Southend. Well, look, it's hardly the Med

but with the deposit on the house, we just need to be frugal,

just for a little bit.

Better to plan the future than regret the past.

And I promise, once we get through this,

you'll have a proper honeymoon wherever you'd like to go.

Oh, I don't care, as long as we're together.

I'm sure Southend is the most beautiful place on earth.

It's home to the world's longest pleasure pier. Oh!

Mr Sloane?

Dad? Mr Sloane.

Aaah!

Hello, wasn't sleeping, I was just...

That's all right, Mr Sloane.

We managed to cover Mrs Pitman's class for the rest of the day.

You're free to go home and get some rest.

Oh, right, yeah, if you're sure.

I don't mind sticking around for a bit in case...

Thank you, we'll manage. You'll be paid for the full day.

Pfff! Money. I don't...

All right, thank you.

Will you need me back tomorrow? Not likely.

We'll let you know if that changes.

Right.

Here are my... Thank you.

I really do think you told me they knew.

I'm quite certain I did not.

Cheers.

Ugh! "I enjoy the respect and admiration of my peers."

What?

Where's the bloody button gone?

"I know what I want and I know how to get it." Where's the button?

"I refuse to get upset over the small things."

Shut up. Please, shut up.

"I am in control of my own destiny." Aaarrghh.

"I am exceptionally good at what I do."

Piss off. "People are envious of my accomplishments."

Why don't you shove it up your arse? Very good.

"Friends and strangers alike enjoy my company." Shit.

Ah, Mr Sloane, how was your new job?

Excellent, Mrs Wyndham. I got two pay rises on the first day.

Oh, how nice. But aren't you home awfully early?

Well, they sent everyone home. It seems there was a small outbreak of bubonic plague.

Oh, that's awful. Yes, but then the canteen burnt down

and it seemed to put everything right again. Well, that's good.

Isn't it just? Would you mind pulling up a bit? You're on my hose.

I'm sorry? Your tyre is on my hose.

OK.

Certainly, Mrs Wyndham. I'll gladly get off your hose

and, perhaps, one day you could get off mine.

"Women find me very attractive."

Pardon?

You heard me.

Janet.

Hello, Jeremy. What's happened? Are you all right?

Jeremy, I'm so sorry. I've made a terrible mistake.

I must have been mad to leave. How can you ever forgive me?

It's all right, Janet. Come in.

I was so stupid.

I thought my life was lacking something here,

so I had to leave you, only to realise that everything

I was looking for was right here in this house with you.

I'm so sorry. It's all right, love.

The main thing is you're back now. We can pick up where we left off.

Oh! I do love you, Jeremy. I love you too, my darling.

Good Lord!

Oh!

Oh! Ugh!

Get off! Oh, Jeremy, it's just a dog. Be a man for once.

Good God, help me! Someone help me.

Janet, help me.

Why are you laughing? Please help.

Why are you laughing?

Ugh!

Here's a pretty mess, in a month or less

I must die without a wedding

Let the bitter tears I'm shedding witness my distress

Here's a pretty mess here's a pretty mess

Here's a state of things to her life she clings

Matrimonial devotion doesn't seem to suit her notion

Burial it brings

Here's a state of things

Here's a how-de-do! Here's a how-de-do! Here's a how-de-do!

For if what he says is true, I cannot, cannot marry you

? Here's a pretty, pretty state of things ?

Sorry, mate.

That's OK.

Ate a Fray Bentos this morning that disagreed with me.

Mm. Mm-hm.

That's not a disagreement. That's a bloody fight to the finish.

Good God almighty.

I just... I just want you to know, for the record, that wasn't me.

What wasn't you?

The olfactory assault.

Oh! I'm getting over a cold. I'm a bit blocked up anyway, so...

Oh, never mind.

You shouldn't be embarrassed. I grew up with three brothers.

Right, right.

But I mean, seriously, it wasn't me.

If you say so. It's not that I'm just saying so.

There was a man with long hair and a straggly beard. The owner stepped away from the register.

Do you know where I'd find these?

Er, let me have a look. Waste pipe, waste elbow.

Oh, dear God. What? It just hit me.

That's what I was saying. The man with the straggly... Excuse me. No.

Wait. Your, your note! Wait, wait.

You really should be ashamed of yourself.

I swear it wasn't me. I know, I'm kidding. I saw the guy you meant.

He should register himself as a lethal bloody weapon.

Right, the military could probably use him.

Phew! Hey, the waste pipes.

What size do you need? Oh, it's on the paper. Oh, hang on. Yes.

Right. Waste pipe, one and a half inch.

And four and a half inch waste elbow. Is that right? Yes.

That's so great. Thank you so much.

It's my pleasure. You don't happen to be a professional handyman, do you?

No, no, certainly not. Just handy enough around my own house is all.

Oh, OK. Well, it was nice meeting you. I'm Robin, by the way.

Hey, Robin. I'm Jeremy. Hi.

Good luck with your, um...

Oh, my plumbing, right. It's just a leak under the sink.

OK. Well, it was nice meeting you considering the circumstances.

I was going to say, if we had kids we'd have a funny about how we met.

Yeah.

Sorry. I was not being forward.

That was a joke. I'm American. Oh, I gathered that.

I'm going to head off this way to avoid the toxic cloud.

Good idea, me too.

OK.

Hi. I was just thinking.

I could probably help you with your sink if you, if you wanted me to.

That would be great. You wouldn't mind? No, not at all.

Oh, you're so nice. Here, let me just write down my number for you.

Your wife won't mind you running off to some strange girl's apartment?

My wife? Yeah.

Oh, no, it's fine.

Well, thanks. It's just a slow leak but I think it's getting worse. OK.

Well, I could probably come round tomorrow. That would be great.

When you know what time, give me a call and I'll give you my address.

It's an apartment on Brunswick Street. Yeah, I'll call you first.

Cool. Thanks, Jeremy.

Bye. Bye.

"I will no longer be troubled by my worries of yesterday."

What worries? I have no idea what you're talking about.

"Tomorrow will be an even better day than today."

You sure got that right, buddy.

Hee-hee!

"Major-General's Song" - Gilbert and Sullivan

I am the very model of a modern major-general

I've information vegetable, animal and mineral

I know the kings of England and I quote the facts historical

From Marathon to Waterloo and all the categorical

? I am very well acquainted to... ?

Watford 0-5-7-9. Hello, Ross.

Nothing much. You?

What time?

All right, yeah, I'll see you then.

Right, cheers.

Hm-hm.

Have you and Julie set a date yet?

Yeah, probably February. And she's got lots of friends, Sloaney.

Now weddings are a great place to meet the ladies.

Yes, they are, except I'm not single.

Yeah. You're just separated. Would you think less of me if I put you straight on that? Don't worry.

I'm not sure I could think less of you. Ross, you're a reasonable man.

Do you think Janet's ever coming back? Short answer? No.

Long answer? No-o-o-o-o-o-o.

See, that's why I'll never get married.

I'm just going to find a woman who hates me and then buy her a house.

You'll never marry because you'd have to move out of your old bedroom. Yeah, that too.

Why did we just get crisps? Where are the peanuts?

They didn't have any. Since when does a pub run out of peanuts?

I don't know. Maybe they're out of season. Peanuts have seasons? They grow in the ground, don't they?

Hang on. So by your account, all nuts would be seasonal.

I reckon, yeah. Cashews. Sure.

Hazelnuts. Why not? Almonds. Pistachios.

Walnuts. Yes, yes, yes. So when would walnut season be exactly?

Well, I don't know because I'm not a bleeding walnut farmer, am I?

You're not a peanut farmer but you seem to know about peanut season.

Where do nuts come from, anyway?

By definition, Brazil nuts must come from Brazil.

No, I mean, do they grow on bushes? No, trees, I think.

I think if there were peanut trees one of us would have seen one.

I've never seen a plum tree but I'm sure they exist.

I think they grow underground. What, plum trees? Peanuts!

How do you know where to find them? What? How would you find them if they're buried?

A carrot's got the leafy part above ground so you know where to dig

but what sprouts out of a peanut to flag its location?

A bloody peanut tree. Don't be daft. You'd know it would be there because you would have planted it.

Planted it from what? A peanut seed? Well, why not?

Because peanuts don't have seeds. How do you know?

When's the last time you ate a peanut and had to spit out seeds?

Wait a minute. I think the peanut is a seed. No, that doesn't make sense.

Why would you plant a seed only to grow the same seed over again?

You'd never get anywhere. Well, coconuts definitely grow on trees.

A coconut is not actually a nut. Course it is. It's got "nut" right in the title.

But it's not a proper nut. They don't sell coconuts in a pub.

They might in Hawaii. I don't think they have pubs in Hawaii.

Well, gentlemen, this has been absolutely riveting

but I'm off. If I don't see you, have a bloody great weekend.

If we don't see you, it will be a bloody great weekend, won't it?

I hope you brought your brolly. I think it might be spitting a bit.

Oh, you bugger.

Oh! Oh!

Oh! Ugh!

Hiya, Brian. Are you all right?

Good boy. Ugh! Ah!

Ugh!

Oh, shit.

Ya-ha-ha! Victory!

Oh! Ah!

Oh!

Ah-ha-ha! There you are.

Oh!

"No-one can make me feel bad about my..."

Save it for when I need it, my friend.

What a difference a day makes

? 24 little hours... ?

Hello, is this Robin?

It's Jeremy Sloane. Yeah, we met yesterday at the ironmongers.

Why, thank you, that is very flattering.

Now I wanted to know if you still needed me to come over and, er,...

..lay a little pipe.

"Oh-ho-ho! You naughty little monkey. Huh!"

"What time is good for you?" As soon as possible?

Huh. Let me just check my diary.

Yeah, yeah, I think I can manage that.

Now tell me, what's your exact address

because I've only got your phone number.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Shit, shit, shit.

Oh shit! Ugh! Oh!

Oh!

"I enjoy living the good life."

Shut up!

She's American, five-foot two, lovely chestnut-brown hair.

Hello, Jeremy. Hello.

She's half your age. She's nothing of the sort.

At least she won't associate you with the fart in the shop any more.

Now she'll associate you with a big shit in the toilet.

Hey, it's Sloane, right? Yes. With an "E" at the end.

At least no-one died today, eh, Mr Sloane? Not yet, anyway.

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