Original subtitles

Oh, Jared.

It's so beautiful.

No, you're so beautiful.

There's no one else I'd rather spend

the rest of my life with.

My love, will you...

She's not for you.

What the hell?

Pow!

- Hey! - Oh.

That ring costs me 10 grand.

You were robbed.

And besides, I've saved you

a lot more than that.

And as for you, honey, you can do far better than him.

Ah.

Ha-ha!

Still alive?

Hey!

Hey!

Rise and shine!

Wow!

What a dinner.

That's got to be the best Italian in the city.

I uh, kind of wanted sushi tonight but...

Oh, how good was the pasta, huh, babe?

I think the chef's from Sicily.

Tuscany.

And it's just so simple, you know,

just chicken and mushrooms, and spinach.

I think the recipe was a lot more complicated

than that but...

Makes you wonder why you'd ever want to eat

anywhere else.

We should take your parents there next week.

We really shouldn't.

Spare some change.

Very generous.

Here, take this, too.

The chef's from Sicily.

Tuscany.

Enjoy.

Uh, could use something to wash it down with.

Here.

Take this.

My man.

I thought he might be hungry.

That was sweet, Dave.

You know, uh, we should try to make

some of that pasta.

Shut up about the pasta.

It wasn't that fucking good.

- It wasn't? - No.

Yes.

I mean, like it was and then it wasn't,

you know what I mean?

Not really.

Um, I'm sorry I can't do this anymore.

Do what anymore?

Denise, do what anymore?

The... this.

You. Us.

Like...

Denise, what are you saying?

I... I'm saying goodbye.

I'm breaking up with you.

What? What?

- Why? - Because I don't love you.

Yes, you do.

You've told me tons of times.

Well, I... I was wrong.

But what about us getting married

after I graduate law school like we talked about?

I'm sorry, Dave, I'm just not feeling it.

Feeling what?

That spark.

You know, that magical moment a girl's supposed to feel.

Like, it wasn't there from the start.

Sure, it was.

It was very magical when we met.

We met at the DMV.

I let you cut in front of me.

Uh.

- Nobody does that at the DMV. - Okay.

Just... just try to understand, okay?

So when I was a little girl, I grew up watching

all these movies and there was always

this magic moment.

Belle and Beauty and the Beast had it and...

Oh, oh, and Demi Moore in Ghost.

God, even Sarah Connor in the Terminator had it.

I... I just don't feel that with you.

Oh, come on, say something.

So you can't be in love with someone

unless they're a ghost, a monster or someone

sent back in time to protect you from a cyborg assassin.

Exactly.

- Oh, you got it. - No!

I don't got it at all.

Life's not like the movies where there's this big

dramatic moment with all the bells and whistles

or getting hit by cupid's arrow when you meet someone.

Okay, I want there to be.

Oh, Denise.

Be reasonable.

Love isn't supposed to be reasonable.

But I'd do anything for you.

Would you though?

Like would you really?

Of course, I would.

Uh, I'm... I'm... I'm sorry.

Goodbye, Dave.

She got one thing right, pasta was good,

but it wasn't that fucking good.

Aww.

Hey! Why isn't the game on?

Huh?

I just called in two large with my bookie.

Okay.

Yeah, bitch! Come on!

Run!

Ooh, run!

Touchdown!

Cover the spread, baby.

That's another big win for me.

And when I, Cousin Marissa, a.k.a. Morris the Magnificent

the Mo Money, the Big Mo Pho-Wins,

say it with me, cuz.

- I don't care! - We all win.

You don't care.

What the fuck?

What do you mean you don't care?

What are you looking at?

My calendar.

It's been exactly a year since Denise and I broke up.

Uh, you didn't break up.

She dumped you in front of a homeless man.

What?

You have the date circled with a little heart drawn

- cracked in half? - No!

I just...

It was a rhetorical fucking question.

My God!

All right!

Oh, if I had known this was gonna be a pity party,

I would have brought over a couple of bottles of wine,

some razors and we could have gotten drunk

and shaved our vaginas together.

I thought we're gonna watch football.

You do know what you're doing, don't you?

Yes! I do, Morris!

I'm missing the girl I love.

Not missing, clinging.

And as far as I am concerned, that is the kind

of emotional behavior that makes me wanna disown you

from the family or at the very least

punch you in the face.

I can't help it if I'm not over our breakup.

Again, not break up because she dumped you.

What difference does it make?

You're idealizing the relationship

and you are idolizing her.

Do you think that she decided that night to end things?

Anytime a woman breaks up with you,

that is months in the making.

Years, even.

I mean, men are just too stupid to see it coming.

And what do you know about it?

I mean, your longest relationship has lasted

no longer than a night.

Okay, you're exaggerating a little bit.

I mean, like three, four hours tops.

Pretty much midway through the third orgasm

I am calling an Uber.

Davey, look.

You had her, you lost her, and now she's gone.

Yeah?

Besides, if you really wanna pay Denise back,

best and most effective way to do that is to live

a happily ever after without her.

It's not about paying her back.

I just want her back.

I'm never gonna find someone as good as her again.

Bullshit!

The world is filled with beautiful women.

I should know.

I have dated half of them.

Do you mean to tell me that your tiny corner

of Buffalo, New York turned out the best

possible girl for you?

Your soul mate?

I don't think it, I know it.

All right, well, all I know is that this is not the Dave

that I know.

This is not the kid whose butt I wiped,

coddled, and kicked while growing up

and molded into a guy that was cool enough

to hang out with me, you know what I mean?

My Dave would never have fallen so hard

that he couldn't get back up again.

What can I say?

She's the one.

Well, so what are you gonna do about it?

Hmm?

Gonna be miserable the rest of your life?

I don't know.

Give me your cell phone.

- What? - What?

- What? - Phone.

No! Why?

Give it to me! Give it to me!

Oh my God!

You still have this picture on your phone?

Wow!

When a selfie can capture true love like this,

you have got to take pause.

How many likes did this get again?

Can I have my phone back, please?

Dave, this is for your own good.

Please!

I'm begging you, move the fuck on!

I can't! Okay?

I'm in too much pain.

No!

That is pain.

Do not confuse it with misery.

That hurt!

Just illustrating a crucial point.

Pain is transitory.

In a few minutes you are gonna feel much better,

but you're still going to be miserable.

I bet you have like a thousand photos of Denise

- on this phone. - Morris!

- Morris! No! - Yup!

Hey! Hey, hey!

Morris!

Let's just give it a second to get a nice sear.

Damn it, Morris!

Ah, yes!

Yeah, smells done to me.

Oh.

Medium rare.

Aah.

It's all backed up on the Cloud, anyway.

Oh, the Cloud.

Well, Dave, that is beyond my reach.

It is up to the gods now to figure out

what to do with you.

Whoop! Brrr, it's cold!

Fuck!

Maybe give me a break, okay?

You know, show like a little bit of sympathy.

David, you are like a brother to me

and I would take a bullet for you,

but I will give you nothing that I haven't given you before,

which is the hard truth and tough love.

So what if I have hope and I'm still holding on to it?

You're a gambler, you have hunches you stick with,

kind of the same thing, right?

No, no, no, no. I am a winning gambler.

I don't play hunches, I play the odds.

I play with statistical probability

and scientific facts.

Where is the evidence that Denise wants you back, huh?

Just because you want her back, too?

No. There just still has to be a chance.

Sure there is.

Why don't you give her a call?

Later.

The least you can do is say sorry.

You're a real asshole, you know.

You should clean that up.

You hipsters have already done enough

to ruin the neighborhood.

Good morning, Mrs. Fishbaum.

Perfect timing.

Onion bagels just came out of the oven.

Do you know that poppy seed shows up as heroin

in your blood?

My son's a doctor.

He tells me these things.

That's very interesting.

I wouldn't want you to fail a drug test, David,

because you ate a poppy seed bagel before.

I appreciate the tip, I will try to keep that in mind.

A young man like you must do a lot of drugs

to still work as a bagel boy.

As I mentioned before, this is just

a temporary situation while I'm still

in law school, Mrs. F.

Do you know that this coffee shop

used to be a part of the old neighborhood

Jewish Community Center?

I met my husband right at that table.

Do you know what I hope for, David?

I hope I'll see him sitting there again.

What would you say to him?

Oh, I love you.

I hate you.

Oh, I miss you.

- I'm horny. - Okay.

All right.

Yeah, send an ambulance to the corner of Grant

and Elmwood, there's been an accident.

David, have you ever met my granddaughter?

Too bad for you, David, she's gay.

Based on her past relationships,

she has very low standards.

In fact, she would have gone out with you even though

you just make bagels for living.

Just a temporary situation, Mrs. F.

I don't do as many drugs as you, but I do smoke marijuana

for my arthritis, my glaucoma.

Maybe we could get high together sometime.

Hmm?

On second thought, you probably couldn't handle

the shit I smoke.

Mrs. Fishbaum, I bet Snoop Dogg

couldn't handle the shit you smoke.

Let's get this show on the road.

Love!

Fuck!

Oh my God, I am so sorry.

Are you all right?

I am now.

Hello.

If you came here to give me more grief, go home.

- I don't need it. - No.

I came here to apologize.

I was really rough on you and I am sorry.

You cremated my damn cell phone.

Let me make amends.

Fly to Vegas with me.

Dude, I will take care of everything.

We can leave tonight.

I can't just fly to Vegas, okay?

Unlike you, I have responsibilities.

Oh, come on, I'm trying to make nice here.

Vegas will make you forget all about the fact

that you don't have Denise to fuck anymore.

Huh?

Oh, he is a very smooth lover.

Yeah.

I'm... I'm his cousin, so I wouldn't know but...

enjoy your latte.

Why must you reduce everything to its basis element?

Mm, at its basis,

not having sex with Denise is what you miss the most.

Well, it's not.

It's much more than that.

All right, it's her.

Okay, you're telling me, Denise comes walking

through that door right now, she says, "Dave, I'm back,

but you can never sleep with me again."

You're honestly gonna accept that?

You cannot be that far gone?

Can you?

No, I'm not, but that's not the point.

It is the only point that matter.

Stay!

David!

If you don't believe me, maybe you will believe

the magic bagel.

Whoomp!

Whoomp!

The magic bagel sees all and tells all,

"Come boy.

Come, come, come.

The magic bagel will not be denied."

You are certifiable.

- Okay, you looking? - Yes, I'm looking.

Well, now, magic bagel predicts that you will have

an amazing time in Vegas.

And in fact, if you don't, a curse will befall you

and you might end up dead or worse have no fun.

Wow.

Magic bagel doesn't lie.

Life is short, Dave, and you only get one.

Get on with the good times, huh?

Ew, gross.

Never again.

Well, never again.

You know, it's been a year since Dave and I broke up.

You mean it's been a year since you dumped him

in front of a homeless man?

He was a great guy, though.

Yeah, a great guy who you may think

you would marry and then kicked in the gut

and ripped his heart out.

Well, I don't understand why he never tried

to see me again.

I'm just saying.

What if I made the wrong decision?

What if there's something left unfinished between me and Dave?

Denise!

Girl, I'm your best friend.

I support you a thousand percent.

I know it's an emotional time for you right now

and your heart can play tricks on you.

But if you think your subconscious is really

telling you something, maybe you should listen.

Now pay attention.

There are a lot of hotties here.

Ooh, anxious to help you mend your broken heart

just so they can experience the sheer joy of smashing it

into pieces again.

Perfect.

Can you just try to forget about your depressing obsession

with Denise for a little while and have some fun?

Fun, fun, fun!

Remind me what's so fun about approaching one girl

after another, yelling some bogus rap

over loud music in the hopes that she'll give me the honor

of buying her a drink, which she'll likely refuse,

anyway.

I guarantee you, every girl in there

will let you buy her a drink.

Yeah? And why is that?

Hmm, 30 bucks each, they will let you buy them two.

Yeah? Why not?

Broke, heartbroken, and I got to wait in line

an hour for some place that I don't wanna be in?

You know what?

You're right, this line does suck.

And I am far from wasted enough not to care.

Yeah. All right, I'm gonna take a walk,

smoke some, play a little blackjack

while you hold our place in line.

Dude, if you want, you can come with,

we can get back and do this later.

Just go.

I don't wanna prolong this torture any longer

than I have to.

How are you related to me?

Oh my God.

You know, if it were me trying to get over somebody,

getting high sounds like a pretty good start.

I can hold your place in line.

Thanks. Uh, I think I'll wait it out here.

You know, long lines are actually why

I sometimes go clubbing.

- Seriously? - Sure.

Best place to meet somebody isn't inside where it's nothing

but bullshit pickup lines from conceited jerks

trying to act cool.

It's out here.

Before everyone has a chance to put their club faces on.

So if we were in there, you'd think I was a jerk

but out here, I'm still a contender?

I don't know yet.

How convincing is your club face?

Hey, baby.

How would you like to have a drink with the king?

Elvis, really?

Are you trying to pick up my grandmother?

You can't say no to Elvis in Vegas.

Okay.

All right.

Okay.

How's this?

I couldn't help but notice you from the moment

I saw you outside in line.

I think it's your smile or maybe your eyes.

But whatever it is,

I'd really like to buy you a drink.

And who's that supposed to be?

Just me.

Not bad, just you.

I'm still not letting you buy me a drink though.

No, again?

That was my best shot.

Like I said, clubs aren't really my thing.

I will let you buy me a big piece of chocolate cake.

That sounds delicious,

but I don't think that they serve that here.

- They don't. - Hmm.

You can order it from room service.

Second thoughts?

Sounds tempting.

I mean, you're... you're gorgeous

but it doesn't really jibe with my long-term plans.

I see.

We really can just eat cake.

That would be okay with you?

Definitely.

What about your friend?

Cousin. Morris. Don't worry.

She always finds something to keep herself entertained.

Besides, when she sees I'm gone,

she'll just assume I went to the hotel to be alone.

Well, she'll only be half right then.

Still can't believe you're from Buffalo.

Believe it or not, it's on my birth certificate.

You really were okay with just eating cake, huh?

Chocolate cake has brought me far more pleasure

than most men ever have.

Maybe you're dating the wrong men.

Hello?

What the hell happened to you last night?

I waited in that line for like ever

only to not find you when I got inside.

I never went in.

I knew it!

You went running to hide in your hotel room.

Well, serves you right because we had a crazy time.

Ooh!

Those Cirque du Soleil people really know how to party.

Ow! Hey, hold up, Dave.

Au revoir, mademoiselle.

Your Uber is on the way.

Oh, merci mon cheri, Morris.

I will see you later, no?

Oh, ew, yeah.

Oui, oui, why not?

Hey, that Celine Dion roleplaying thing

we did last night, yo...

,

mind blowing.

I have a newfound appreciation for the French-Canadian culture.

Do you wanna go to a Celine Dion concert

with me tonight?

Are you still high?

No, I don't wanna go anywhere.

David, I didn't fly you to Vegas so you could hide

in your hotel room and whack off

to memories of Denise.

Not that it matters but I wasn't by myself

last night, okay?

Came back here with a girl I met in line.

Oh. Wait, wait, wait.

Wait. Wait, what?

What?

You picked up a chick in line?

Oh my God.

Hallelujah!

David has risen from the dead

and he's back in the game, folks!

It's an erection, a resurrection!

- Morris? - Oh my God.

Which one was it?

I wanna guess, don't tell me.

Hmm.

Tall brunette, tight jeans, red top.

Standing right in front of us?

Yes?

Dude, I approve!

And would totally take that action.

Her name is Stella.

Believe it or not, she's from Buffalo.

And there wasn't supposed to be any action, we just came back

to the room to hang and talk, but she was really nice

and one thing led to another...

And yeah, yeah, yeah?

Now, I'm so riddled with guilt, I feel sick.

If Denise was to ever find out about the...

it'd blow our shot of getting back together.

Hm-hmm.

Okay, wait, wait, wait.

Now, you are telling me that you feel guilty,

because you think you betrayed Denise by being

with someone else last night.

Yes.

Ohh, okay.

You know what? See somebody, Dave.

See someone immediately with a lot of fancy diplomas

on the wall and a very liberal approach

to shock therapy.

Dude, she's your ex.

Man, your ex-girlfriend.

Like in order for it to be cheating,

you have to actually be in a relationship

with that person.

Like how is this concept entirely lost on you?

I don't expect you to understand.

Guilt isn't something you're exactly familiar with.

Hmm, all right.

I feel guilty about not feeling guilty,

so, I mean, that should count for something, right?

Has it ever occurred to you that while you are feeling

so sick over betraying Denise that she is out there

screwing someone else?

I don't even want to think about that.

Maybe you should.

Maybe you should, Dave!

You know.

You think Denise took a vow of celibacy when she left you?

Ha-ha, no!

Denise is right in the middle of her,

"I am free to fuck whoever I want" world tour.

I mean, you should check her Instagram,

because she's probably selling T-shirts.

I refuse to accept that it's over for us.

Come back later.

I said come back later!

I'm getting her back, Morris.

I'm getting Denise back.

I give up, little cousin.

You are living on hope and I'm afraid

you're gonna starve to death.

You can't make her love you, Dave.

No one can.

This is a really good cake.

Aah.

Yo!

Hmmm...

You keep crawling out of the hole.

- Oh, okay. - Whoop!

- Whoop! - Bam!

You have been hibernating since we came back from Vegas.

I feel much better.

I got a new perspective on the situation.

- Yeah? - Hmmm.

Okay, now.

This...

This is what I like to hear, man.

Okay.

Listen, if it was something that I said.

- Mm-mm. - You're welcome.

But if not, I don't even care because you are back.

We got to celebrate.

Two shots of bourbon, please.

And thank you.

- That a new haircut? - No.

Dude, isn't he cute?

To my Cousin Dave.

Welcome back.

- You were sorely missed. - Mhmm.

- One more toast. - Mhmm.

To Denise.

Who at this very moment is right across the street.

- Across the street? - Yup.

That's your new perspective?

You just decided to stalk her?

No, I simply am not waiting for her to come back.

No more waiting.

I'm going to her.

I called in at the florist that she works at and said

that she quit to go work at Clara's Catering.

I went over there.

They said they're all working at church function today.

That church.

So now you're gonna go over there and just talk to her.

- Yeah, I have to. - Okay.

David, there are only a certain few things

that people have to do in life; shit, breathe, eat, and sleep.

Emasculation, degradation, uh-uh-uh-uh, humiliation,

these are all totally voluntary.

There's no talking me out of this, okay?

I have to go to her.

I have to tell her that I love her.

That I would do anything for her.

That our love is magical.

Magical.

Oh, yeah.

Can you just get some more?

David, where did you get this profoundly unrealistic

vision of love, man?

You know, a year ago,

I would have said the same thing.

I expressed the same thing to Denise the night

that she left me.

But she was right and I was wrong.

She needs that movie moment from me.

Mhmm.

So, now you're gonna go over there and see her.

- Yeah. - Yeah?

Yeah!

This grand gesture of love that Denise cannot

- possibly refuse. - Yeah!

- Yeah? - Yeah!

Yeah.

Okay, I've got news for you, Davie.

Cupid does not exist.

He doesn't, I'm sorry.

And if he did, he certainly wouldn't be

some freak pudgy guy in a diaper running around

bringing people together who are destined to spend

eternity with one another.

I mean, think about it.

With divorce, adultery?

As far as I am concerned, he is a sick sadistic loser

with a short guy complex.

Hmmm.

Okay.

Look.

If you're really set on doing this,

then just do it right.

Talk to her, lay it all on the line,

but whatever happens, you got to live with it, yeah?

Jesus Christ.

Okay.

Darling, will you please, please keep the drinks coming.

Thank you.

Well, if the booze doesn't give you

a little liquid courage, then maybe you'll get lucky

and pass out drunk before you make it to the door.

Here's to happy endings!

So you live around here?

Are you trying to pick me up?

What?

No, no.

Of course not.

Why do you wanna know where I live?

You wanna come around and have a barbeque

- or something? - Trying to make conversation.

Try harder.

Sorry?

Why are you sorry?

Sorry about my attempt to make conversation?

Why should you be concerned whether I find your conversation

interesting or not?

I'm not.

Do I know you?

Do you think you know me?

No, but...

Then you probably don't.

Don't you have to do something somewhere?

Ah...

Oh!

Yeah.

Then go do it.

Yeah.

Excuse me.

I'm looking for Denise, Denise Rubino?

Someone said she was working here today?

Not today she isn't.

Hey, I just said she wasn't working today.

I didn't say she wasn't here.

Be careful, this place is a maze.

You may not find your way back.

Well, was I right?

She looks like a fairy tale.

Aw.

Oh shit!

What was that?

David?

David Steinbeck.

Oh God.

Oh, boy.

Dave?

Excuse me.

How long has he been like this?

About half hour, 45 minutes?

Maybe he's autistic or something.

PTSD.

My uncle looked just like that when he came back from Nam.

When you're finished diagnosing the patient,

can I have another one?

- Hmm. - Hey.

Hi, it's me Morris.

Try to remember why you left me the voicemail?

All I could make out was some grunting and something

about fucking Faye Dunaway.

Denise's fucking wedding day.

What? Come again?

Denise's fucking wedding day!

Oh.

I mean, that does sound like fucking Faye Dunaway.

She's getting married.

Morris, she's getting married in just a couple of hours.

What did she say when she saw you?

She didn't see me, I ran away.

Yeah, play hard to get, that's...

Well, listen, Dave.

I know this won't make sense right now

and it might not make sense for a very long time

but I promise, this is the best thing

that could ever happened to you.

My soul mate is getting married and you think

that this the best thing that could ever happen to me?

Yeah, I absolutely do.

- And you wanna know why? - No!

Why is she marrying someone else?

This is just a stab in the dark, but,

I mean, maybe she is in love with the guy.

Oh, no, no.

All right, you know what? Let's go.

We got to get you at least a 100 feet away

from wherever Denise is getting married.

- All right. - Come on.

You have to help me to the men's room first.

I'mma throw up.

Okay, we can do that.

We can do that.

Here we go. Come on.

Oh, boy.

Come on.

Okay.

There we go.

There we go.

Well, ain't it just nice to have someone to lean on

in time of need.

Weren't you just sitting down at the bar?

You're the piss monitor?

No.

I just... I didn't see you get up or walk by.

I'm the fucking invisible man.

Now, can I get past you to my drink, please

or do I have to wait until he pukes on my kicks?

- Excuse me. - Okay.

Okay.

There you go.

Oh. Oh, boy.

Hold your ponytail.

Yup.

Try not to fall in when you bend over.

Somebody forget to flush.

Let's get out of here.

I thought you want to throw up.

I'm fine. Let's get out of here.

I thought you had to throw up.

I'm fine. Let's go, now!

Whoa, whoa. What did you see?

What's in the stall, man?

Oh, God!

Who the hell is that?

Why is he wearing a tuxedo?

I... I don't know! Okay?

Let's just go before the same thing happens to us!

Who would do that to us?

Jesus, who would do that to him?

You're the gambler but my money is on the crazy

English fucker at the bar!

The guy who came out as we were coming in.

No way.

But I bet you're right.

What?

Would you come?

Okay, but why would he still be sitting out there

if nothing happened?

Wait, what if we're wrong?

What if he just had to go to bathroom

and doesn't even know anything about the other guy in here.

Do you really wanna stay and find out?

What? We can't just walk right out past him now.

If he did do it, then he will assume

that we saw something.

Shit, he's coming.

Go, go!

He's coming.

Oh, okay.

Let's find...

Window! Window now!

Houdini couldn't escape through that.

Okay. But maybe if we're lucky, he will think that we did.

Goddamnit!

Hide in there.

Whoo! Okay.

We need weapons.

Yeah.

Ha-ha!

Why do you get the plunger? What the hell am I gonna use?

The power of your love for Denise.

I don't give a shit.

Oh, shit, he's gonna see our feet.

Get up! Get up.

Oh, shit.

I don't wanna die like this, stuck in a...

a dirty bathroom stall of a dive bar with you.

Shhh. Shut, shh.

Oh, my.

Those two must have escaped out of this narrow little window.

I guess I better leave now.

But first, I'll use the bathroom.

This stall is taken.

Yah!

De toilet.

The toilet!

- What does it mean? - It just seemed...

Get the fuck out of that toilet!

Please, don't kill us.

Why would I want to kill you?

Ah, well, I've...

All right, listen, mister.

Mister?

- Archie. - Okay.

- Archie. - Okay, Archie.

- Archie. - Archie.

The guy in the stall, you didn't, did you?

Yes, I did.

- Why? - For you, Dave.

For me? What are you talking about?

I don't even know who that is.

You don't know who that is?

He is absolutely pivotal to your future happiness

and you don't know who he is.

I'm terribly sorry, sir.

Sir, we're cleaning here.

I got to go!

We've all got to go sometimes, sir.

You probably sooner than most.

Right.

Now, where was I?

The... the... the guy in the stall.

Ah, yes, yes, yes!

The guy in the stall.

Right.

Meet Henry.

- Henry Cherkis. - Henry Cherkis?

Who the hell is Henry Cherkis?

Henry Cherkis as in Mr. and Mrs. Henry Cherkis

or more specifically,

Mr. and Mrs. Henry and Denise Cherkis.

Holy shit!

Holy shit!

Uh...

This is the guy that Denise is marrying?

Yep, in about three hours' time.

Mind you, I think you're a lot

cuter than him.

Okay, that explains the tux.

It doesn't explain why you beat him,

tied him up, and brought him here.

Well, of course, it does, so that she wouldn't marry him.

I mean, how are you going to get her back

if she gets married?

- I still don't understand. - What?

This isn't brain surgery.

Look, you cannot have a marriage if the groom

is not there.

- Am I right? - Yeah, uh, yeah.

I think I see what you're trying to do here.

So you see, Dave, this is your great opportunity.

You are going to have a chance to do something

that very few men in life ever get the chance to do.

You have a chance of bringing back the one

that got away and taking her on the very day that she's due

to get married to somebody else.

Wow! Isn't that exciting?

Hey! I think it's exciting!

Wow. Right?

Oh.

Excuse me, one moment.

Ooh.

Okay, I... I still don't understand

how you know about me and Denise.

Come on, Dave.

For God's sake, man.

Look!

Why does it matter if how I know what I know, hey?

Of course, it matters.

You nearly beat someone to death on my behalf

and I don't even know who you are or why you did it.

On the first point, I did not beat him to death,

I merely rendered him unconscious.

Secondly, you know my name!

And thirdly, you know what I want to do.

Now, any more information is totally superfluous.

Look, I don't want any part of this, okay?

So just let us go and get that guy in there.

Henry, Henry.

- Henry. - Yeah.

Some help and I... we'll uh, just uh, you know,

forget we ever saw this.

Oh, I... unfortunately, I don't think

we're ever gonna forget this.

You know, you're really worrying me

because right at the moment, I... I... I'm...

I confess I'm surprised by your response.

Surprised?

You expect me to bring the gasoline to torch his body?

Whoa, whoa, okay.

Archie, not that Dave is not grateful

and this isn't a tremendous gesture of...

of support on your part,

but what I think Dave is saying...

I don't give a fuck what Dave thinks

he's trying to say.

Nor do I appreciate any assistance from somebody

who has to rely on a complete stranger

to do the job that she should have done herself

for her best friend.

You expected me to kidnap the groom?

Oh. Was I supposed to do that?

No! No!

Of course, not! This guy is insane.

I would do... I would do anything for you!

Stop! Stop! Stop!

All right, all right, all right.

Let's just...

I don't want any part of this.

Part of this?

Oh, Dave, you're the whole of this.

Bullshit!

Okay. I didn't do this, you did.

Let's get out of here. I'm calling the cops.

Okay.

You go call the cops.

And in the meantime, I'm gonna drown Henry here

in the toilet.

By the time the cops get here, poor Henry is going to be dead.

And then you're gonna have a little dilemma,

aren't you, because I'm going to tell them

that I saw you dragging him into the toilet.

And you, the demented, obsessive,

possessive ex-boyfriend of the divine and lovely Denise

is going to have to explain how her husband-to-be

ended up dead meeting you on the very morning

of their marriage.

- We are fucked. - How can we be fucked, okay?

This is all his doing.

We didn't do any of this.

I know that and you know that,

but even I would believe his story over ours.

Why are you doing this to me?

All's fair in love and war.

And you want to know why?

There's not much difference between the two.

What the hell does that even mean?

What it means is this, you do whatever you can,

whenever you can, however you can in order to win.

True that.

Every gambler is looking for a competitive edge.

And what's your edge?

Let me show you your edge.

This is Henry here.

Henry here is your main rival for Denise's affections.

And as we can see...

Henry here is in no position to fight you over her.

Am I right, Henry?

Am I right?

Okay.

Good boy.

Nice job.

Nice job.

So instead of hanging around and bitching and moaning,

why don't you take this opportunity

that presents itself and get back the girl

you claimed that you are in love with?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm sure the kidnapping and beating of her fiancé

is exactly the thing that's gonna convince her

that she should be with me.

It is a little romantic.

What?

Shakespearean, really, even if you think about it.

Stop talking, Morris.

A guy willing to go to this extreme to win back

the woman that he loves.

Oh, fantastic attitude, Morris!

Huh, thank you!

Whoa!

Archie.

Yeah.

Come on.

We're talking about assault and kidnapping here.

Are you saying that you do not want Denise back?

Of cour... I do... I...

Because you said you'd do anything

- to get her back. - I would, I...

Ah, but you didn't actually mean that.

- I did. - No, no, no, no, no.

What you meant was you would do anything

as long as it was simple, neat, and nobody got hurt.

Yeah. Is there something wrong with that?

Oh, there's nothing wrong with that at all.

Except for the fact that the bloody world

doesn't work that way!

This is the way the world fucking works!

You pollyannish shithead!

Nobody curious?

It's from Denise.

Oh, no!

Ooh!

"Know I made you promise not to see me before wedding

but where are you?

You should have been here by now.

#coldfeet?

LOL."

Oh, L-O-L.

I love that.

Oh!

Oh, wow!

And she's given him an emoji kissy face.

Oh, I fucking love those.

Do you get a lot of those?

Oh, I love it.

Does she ever do that with you?

Hey, Dave!

How about we send Denise a nice message?

L-O-L.

Stop, stop, stop!

Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.

Look. Okay.

Look, I appreciate what you're doing,

I really do. Thank you.

You're... you're very terrific, obviously insane,

but caring guy to take the time to help me out,

but I've changed my mind.

I'm over Denise, I don't want her anymore,

so just let him go.

We'll all go on our merry way.

Nobody's going on their merry way.

No.

Oh, come on, Dave, live in the real world.

Do you think Henry here is gonna forget

all about this if we close shop and run?

Yeah, he will.

You will, won't you?

See?

- You trust him? - Yeah, sure.

Well, shouldn't you get to know him a bit more

before you trust him?

I... I don't think that that's necessary.

Well, I do think it's necessary.

All right, let's find a few

trust-making questions, shall we?

Oh, one immediately comes to mind.

Why don't you ask him when did you start

fucking Denise?

What?

When did you start sleeping with Denise?

I'm not asking him that.

Okay, okay, let's try it a different way.

When did you and Denise break up?

I don't remember.

Come on.

You obsess over this girl 24/7 and you can't remember

when you broke up?

Well, let's pull it up the ether, shall we?

So say about 12 months ago.

How did you know that?

One question at a time, Dave.

And right now...

Now, the pertinent question is

when did you first start fucking Denise?

Henry, focus, focus,

because I'm only gonna ask you nicely once.

It's two years.

Two years ago.

Two years ago?

Wait a minute, my maths.

Let's see, that means you were fucking her

one year before she dumped you.

He's lying.

Oh, he can't be lying, you trust him.

Say you're lying, you son of a bitch.

Admit that you're lying.

Maybe we can ask him a few more interesting...

- Say that you're lying! - Hey! Hey!

All right, you can stop.

You made your point, you can stop.

Oh, oh.

Okay. All right.

No more questions.

Sorry, Henry, that means we don't need

any more answers.

So thank you, Henry, you did well.

You did very well.

Who are you, for real?

I wanna know exactly who you are.

Sincerely, I don't think it's a good idea

to mess with this guy, okay?

Is it okay to come in?

Just one more minute, sir.

Thank you.

Right, thank you.

I...

Good, good.

Okay, you can do this.

Good.

Good.

You can come in now, sir.

Come in, sir.

Come in.

Oh, pay no attention to the girl.

This is a unisex bathroom.

Okay.

Feel free to launch when necessary.

Oh, I know that feeling.

- Oh. - Oh, yes.

Ah, don't worry about this new crew in training.

Ah.

Going well, hey?

Okay.

Are you still choking that python, sir?

Yes, sir, you take your time.

Oh, I'm good.

- Good? - Yeah.

Yeah.

Yes!

Oh.

Boy, you needed that.

- Whoo. - Oh-ho.

Wash the hands.

Good, man.

For you, sir.

What the fuck is going on?

Allow me.

Why, thank you, sir.

Thank you. Thank you.

And in return, let me give you this.

It will bring you good luck.

You come back in a few beers now.

Oh, Jesus.

Right.

Now, very soon we will have an avalanche

of happy-hour misfits descending on the place.

So I think we should split and then reconvene

somewhere else to consider our next move.

Next move?

What next move?

Now, I think we'll use your place.

We are not reconvening at my place.

Yes. Now, my car is only a little coupe,

won't take four.

The other one's had a fender bender,

so we'll be using your car as well.

Oh, and one more thing, just in case you two

were thinking of doing something stupid,

but you were hesitating because you thought

that I might be armed.

And yes, I am armed.

And this is not a toilet roll.

All right.

All right, why don't we all go back

to your place and we will deal with everything from there.

- Are we agreed on that? - Yeah.

- Good. - Agreed?

Ah-uh-uh...

What are we gonna do with him?

Henry? Oh, we got to take Henry with us.

I'm not bringing him back to my apartment.

I promise you he will not bleed on your upholstery,

will you, Henry?

See? Right.

Okay.

Untie him now.

Come on! Untie him!

Oh, Jesus.

Well, how are we gonna get him out of here

without attracting attention?

You think anyone would notice in this place?

However, this is what we're going to do.

Henry and I are going to very calmly walk out of here.

Of course, my gun is gonna be

in the base of his spine.

Right, Henry?

Okay.

You're not gonna scream or shout or anything like that,

are you?

Good boy.

Thank you, Henry.

You don't need that anymore.

Okay?

Now, Henry, stand up.

Straight.

Very good.

Extend that arm.

All right.

Very good.

Now, then, very slowly, like old friend.

- You're feeling good, Henry? - Yeah.

- Sure? - Mmm.

Good man.

1, 2...

Oh, uh now, you two will count to 10

and follow calmly walking through the front door,

okay?

Because I will be counting as well

and you don't want me to get to 11, right?

Right, Henry?

Right.

Good.

Come on, Henry.

Oh, Henry, a favor please?

Could you shut this door behind you?

Yeah.

Thank you.

Manners maketh man.

And you...

Poof.

7, 8, 9...

Great automobile you've got here, Dave.

Myself, I've got a classic 1940 Ford Coupe, superb condition.

Could use a bigger trunk though.

What do you say, Henry?

You know, it's been some years

since I've been in the car-buying market,

but I would like your opinion, David.

How do you stand on the question,

lease or buy?

Hmm?

We're in the middle of a kidnapping

and you wanna know my opinion on whether to buy or lease?

I think if I were shopping, I would definitely be

a lease man.

You know, new and shiny is wonderful but it wears off

and then you've got all those maintenance costs.

Frankly, I think you just better walk away

and leave all that bullshit.

- Lease man? Really? - Hmm.

Personally, I think you're a crazy man.

Dave.

Dave, do be civil.

Come on now.

I'm just... I'm just trying to conduct a nice conversation.

You wanna make conversation?

Isn't it about time you tell us who you are?

I mean is this what you do for a living?

Living?

When you file a tax return where it says profession,

do you put deranged violent kidnapper in the name of love

or is torturing people you don't know just a hobby?

Do I look like someone who files a tax return?

Ah, relax, kids.

You're not in the hands of an amateur.

I have done this many times.

Many, many, many times.

In fact, sometimes I think I've been doing it forever.

So as I get older, if you think I'm getting

a little more rough, if I'm not quite exuding

that enthusiasm that once I exuded,

if I'm not doing everything with a sweet smile anymore,

it's because I'm so fucking tired of dealing

with you fucking morons!

Yeah, forget it.

Forget, forget what I said.

Forget what I said.

Put some music on, maybe it'll soothe

the savage beast.

Amen to that.

If music be the food of love, play on.

Give me a playlist.

Give me excess of it, that surfeiting the appetite

may sicken and so die.

Coldplay?

The Scientists?

Huh, sad.

The Cure?

Pictures of You?

Oh, depressing.

Pinocchio?

Wish Upon a Star.

Pinocchio?

Is this your pending suicide playlist?

Right?

Count 12 months of this, it is a cry for help, isn't it?

A cry for help?

This isn't a fucking cry for help,

this is a scream valve.

Here, take the gun. Do it.

Blow your brains out now.

Come on. Let's save us all.

- Come on! - Hey!

Come on! Let's do it.

Even before the breakup, his choice in music

was very depressing.

Oh.

- Hey, Denise loved my music. - Okay.

What are you laughing at?

Wait a minute, we have another music critic

in the car with us as well.

Henry, I bet you and Denise have a very special song,

don't you?

Henry, what is it?

Henry!

I did promise Dave that there wouldn't be

any blood on the upholstery but that doesn't exclude

internal bleeding.

What's the song?

- Marvin Gaye, Sexual Healing. - No!

- No! - Oh, take it easy.

Hey!

Oh, I love it!

Man, you must really love her.

Not that it's any of your fucking business

but yes, I do.

I love her.

Don't you?

I mean, you're the guy in the tux.

Yeah, I mean... I mean I love her

but I'm not sure I love her as much as that guy.

Hey.

Well, you better be sure, because if you think

you're a prisoner now, just wait till you're married,

you... you could be looking back on being stuffed down a toilet

and beaten up as the best part of your life.

If you're not sure you love her that much,

then why are you marrying her?

You know how it is.

She's... truth is we don't really

have that much in common except for... you know.

Marvin.

Ah, well, it sounds to me as if the groom here

is having second thoughts.

It would be amazing, ey, if this kidnapping

turned out to be a rescue mission.

Okay, Henry, you sit down there.

And if you promise that you will not move

until I tell you, I will not tie you up again.

Anyone want something to drink?

I'm not hosting a party, okay?

I wanna get this over with as soon as possible.

I'll take a beer.

And I'm famished.

Is there anywhere around here we can order in?

Yes. There is a great deli just right up the street.

- I mean... - Hmm.

But are they quick?

'Cause we haven't got much time, yeah?

We got to get Dave back to the church.

What?

I thought we were coming here to discuss what to do next.

Dave?

Well, we have discussed the next move

and the next move is this, you are going to see Denise.

You understand that nothing can happen until you do

what you need to do.

But you knew that?

Archie, what kind of sandwich do you want?

What's their pastrami like?

She's not gonna take me back.

You know, I don't know.

I only get the corned beef.

Ah, what the heck.

I'm gonna live dangerous today.

I'll take the pastrami, extra lean

or I'd come down there.

I mean what am I gonna even say to her?

That is extra lean, please.

Uh, trust me, you do not want this guy

coming down there.

And roast beef for Henry.

I don't like roast beef.

Who cares what you like!

You wanna try the pastrami?

Ham and cheese on a Kaiser roll.

What the hell is going on here?

And ham and cheese on a Kaiser for Henry.

Archie, how can I go to Denise now?

How would I even begin to explain any of this?

Oh, does anybody wanna know what the soup of the day?

Seriously?

Archie?

Well, it would help if you tell us what the fuck

sort of soup it is.

Clam chowder.

New England clam chowder?

New England?

Manhattan.

Ugh.

That is a hard no on the soup.

Thank you very much.

Well, there you have it, young Dave.

You can either have a New England clam chowder

sort of life, which is rich and romantic

like a deep French kiss on a warm summer day

or you can have a Manhattan clam chowder

sort of life, which is a brown

dreary vegetable soup that smells like fish.

I want her back.

I do.

It's not gonna happen.

Man, you are unbelievable.

Did you say something?

I said you're unbelievable.

No wonder Denise never even mentioned

your name to me.

I mean, if you don't think she could want you back now,

then why would you think she ever wanted you

in the first place?

Don't you get it?

Either give her credit for falling in love with you

or pay her due respect for breaking up with you,

but don't underestimate her.

Oh, I must have knocked some sense in your head

after all.

Maybe I am underestimating her.

I don't wanna marry Denise anymore.

I want New England clam chowder.

She's all yours.

What?

This just keeps getting weirder and weirder.

Are you just saying that because of him?

Yeah.

No.

No.

I mean granted I don't have a lot of choice

in the matter, but no.

Now that I think about it, I don't wanna marry her.

But this is Denise.

I know, man. But look at you.

Huh, I mean, I barely know you and I can tell

that she turned you inside out and back again.

I am not ready to give myself, heart and soul,

to someone who could do that to me.

- Yes, man. - Hmm.

What did I say in the car?

This is a rescue mission.

At last, we're all on the same page.

- Let's go. - Come on.

There's no way.

I mean... I mean, just because he isn't in love

with her doesn't mean that she isn't in love with him.

And even if she isn't, doesn't mean that she's in love

with me anymore.

David. Dave.

Before you knew that Denise was getting married,

you were gonna go down there, talk to her and tell her

how you felt to see if that meant anything

to her still, right?

Okay? So as it turns out she is not getting married,

so nothing has changed.

Maybe this can happen, I mean really happen.

I knew I could make a true believer of you.

Right, come on!

Okay, let's go and pick up that food and get to the church.

This pastrami isn't lean.

It's not lean.

Call this lean?

I said lean.

And where's the mustard?

There is no mustard!

There's no mustard here!

Who's got the mustard?

You.

You. I knew I should have kept that gag on you.

I want half of that ham and cheese.

Why?

Why?

Because my pastrami is fatty, because there is no mustard,

and because you're my fucking prisoner,

give me the sandwich!

This is gonna make a great story for the grandkids

someday.

Yours or mine?

Yours.

I am never getting married and I'm never having kids.

Hmm.

And what are you gonna do when you fall in love?

Ugh, won't happen.

As Dave can attest to, I only gamble on things

that I can count on.

She never lets anyone get that close to her.

Is that right? Hmm.

Simple but ingenious plan to avoid all of this

emotional chaos and baggage.

Well, you seem to have got it all sorted out,

haven't you?

Right, Morris?

But I have to tell you, you're full of crap.

You may be a girl, Morris, but your balls

are on the same pendulum as everyone else on the planet,

they're just going to get clapped,

it's just a matter of time.

Hey, we're almost at the church.

We're almost at the church.

Well, you don't expect our friend here to pinch hit

for you wearing that costume.

I'll be happy if I can just get her

to start dating me again.

I don't need to get married today.

Dave, this is your chance to hit for the fences.

Now, shut up and tell me your suit size.

42 regular.

Henry?

46 long.

Close enough. Swap over now.

We're doing it.

Come on, come on, help each other.

Help each other here.

Yup, good, good, get him on first here.

- Quick, quick, quick, quick. - Be careful, it's Italian.

- Yeah. - Oh, oh, okay.

- What? - Italian?

Nice quality, too.

Here. Okay.

Keep going, keep going, keep... good.

Oh, shit, man.

There's blood stains all over it.

Ah, no one's gonna notice.

You expect me to get my ex-girlfriend back

wearing her fiancé's blood-stained tuxedo?

There speaks the nervous groom.

Where's the vest?

No vest, it was a cummerbund.

I'm fine, the cummerbund.

Where is it?

- I don't know. - Shit.

I used it to choke Henry here in the car park of the church.

Well, what did you do with it after?

I stuck it down the sewer at the bar.

Like that's the first thing Denise is going to notice

when she sees you instead of Henry.

You had to use the cummerbund.

You couldn't use your hands or something?

Look, will you stop criticizing the way I work?

- I'm sorry. - Okay, good.

I'm sorry. I am nervous.

Oh, gosh, you're nervous.

I wasn't expecting to get married today.

It's okay. You're going to get married!

He is gonna get married!

Hey!

Should I even ask what I'm supposed to do

about a ring?

Funny you should ask, because I picked one up

this very morning.

From where?

I went to Jared.

I'm sure glad things worked out this way.

Yeah.

And when that swelling goes down,

you're gonna be like a new man.

Now, do you require me to beat some sense

into your head or are you prepared to walk

the line for love?

- I'm ready. - Good.

I'm so sorry about the mustard stain

on the bow tie.

Diverts the attention away from the blood.

What am I supposed to tell Denise

when she asks where Henry is?

Tell her the truth.

I don't even know what the truth is.

Oh, come on.

The truth is what is always has been, always will be.

It doesn't matter where Henry is because you're the one

she's going to marry, because you're the one

who's destined for her.

Oh, and if you see my mother,

would you tell her I'm sorry and I will call her later.

Am I free to go now?

Did I say you are free to go now?

Right.

Well, come on, come on.

You don't want Denise to think she's been stood up

at the altar.

Hey, hey, hey, you sure you don't want

a quick bachelor party because the strip club

is just down the block.

Yeah, I'm sure.

But I do expect you to get me a honeymoon suite

in Vegas.

Comp'd.

You got it, cuz.

Oh God, he wants to start another conversation.

I don't know what to say.

- Good. - Thank you.

You're welcome!

- Go! - Go!

Davey, Davey!

Whoo!

You think he's really got a chance?

I have no idea.

Oh, what the hell?

This can't be.

Uh, who is that guy?

Who's that guy?

Who's that girl?

She is smoking hot.

What do you mean who's that girl?

That is Denise.

No, that's not Denise.

What the fuck are you talking about?

Of course, that's Denise, man.

No. No, that's not Denise.

I mean, maybe that's your Denise but that's not the Denise

I was gonna marry.

Archie?

What the hell is going on?

"Congratulations,

Denise and Henry and Denise and Joe."

Oh, fuck.

I kidnapped the wrong bridegroom.

Oh, well.

I'm sorry? "Oh, well?"

You kidnapped the wrong groom and all you have to say

is "oh, well"?

That's so crazy.

Two Denises getting married at the same place

on the same day.

Some coincidence, huh?

Henry, you are officially released.

Oh, unless...

Unless you wanna marry your Denise.

No, no.

I knew which Denise I was marrying the whole time.

See ya.

Denise, please wait!

Dave!

Hey, forget about it, man!

You're too late.

Jesus, would you look at him?

You gotta do something.

Like what? Gun him down in the street?

I don't know. Something.

Anything.

Oh, God.

I gotta get out of this racket.

This is your fault.

Even dogs deserve to die with some dignity.

Right.

Ah!

Mmm.

Sorry, Dave!

Some things are just not meant to be.

Denise!

Da... Dave?

Oh my God, what are you doing here?

I've come to...

Bull's-eye.

Good shot.

Yes, I can still do it!

My work here is done.

Are you sure?

I mean, he's still breathing.

You can't be married!

He's not Henry.

What?

He's... that's Henry.

Who... who's Henry?

All I see is your stupid cousin and some old man

wearing red sneakers?

Henry's your fiancé.

What?

I don't know Henry, I married Joe.

Dave, you need to get some help.

I did get help, I got Archie.

And he kidnapped Henry and shoved him

in the bathroom stall,

and then... and then threatened to kill me,

then we had deli at my apartment, and all

so you and I could be together now.

Well, Dave, I...

I don't even know what to say to you, okay?

You need to move the fuck on!

But you've always wanted this big movie moment.

Here it is, New England clam chowder.

New... New England?

But you know, there was a moment a while back

that I thought maybe it was you and not Joe.

And?

And here I am, you know.

Sure, I never got that big movie moment,

but who cares when you're really in love?

Like who cares how love happens.

Are you ready, my princess?

Oh, Denise, no.

Oh, Denise, please.

No, no. Denise.

Come back.

Come back!

You know what, Archie, your tactics

were a little unorthodox, but for a while there

I really thought you had your shit together.

Yeah, well, that's the problem, you see.

Everyone loves a winner, but love is not a winning game.

That is why I never play.

- Never play? - Hmm.

You will.

One day.

Sooner than you think.

Stella?

Stella, is that you?

Dave.

You have an arrow in your ass.

I know.

Denise is married.

Is that so?

Come with me. I'll get you healed right up.

Can we have chocolate cake?

Of course.

But Dave here, at least, has learned a lesson today.

Really? What lesson is that?

Never talk to a stranger in a bar.

Talking of which, I'm thirsty.

Come and join me.

Oh, fuck!

Isn't that the girl that Dave met at Vegas?

Damn!

Anyone ever told you, you can be a real prick?

Not in the last two minutes.