All language subtitles for The.Penthouse.2010.1080p.WEBRip.x265-RARBG

♪

[indistinct voices from TV]

[muffled voices of a
couple arguing upstairs]

[shouting and crash]

[male on TV] Welcome to
the season finale of
"Strangers in a Penthouse."

Once there were ten,
but now only Lexi
and Tyler are left.

Who will win
the penthouse?

The competition is fierce.

It's not
about the competition

Tyler and I are in love!

[Tyler]
There aren't any losers
in the game of love.

Lexi and I are gonna
be together forever.

We're going to live together
in the penthouse
and make babies.

We're live right
now with America's
favorite strangers,

Tyler,

and Lexi.

You must feel like a king
because you are a queen.

I'm gonna tell you,
you know, you got the--

Okay, so,
there's only
gonna be one stranger

that's gonna
get this beautiful
penthouse. You dig?

Are you ready?

[suspenseful music]

Lexi and Tyler,
I will tell you now

who the winner is
of this great penthouse.

[suspense music ends]

You gotta be fucking
kidding me, man.

[loud music]

Congratulations, Tyler.
How does it feel to win
the penthouse?

I don't know what to say.
I'd like to thank
my fans and Lexi.

Hey, baby! Congratulations.

Sorry I can't make it
to the party tonight.
I'm feeling a little, uh,

[clears throat]
a tickle in my throat.

But I love you
and I can't wait to start
my life with you tomorrow.

[Agent]
You should get
an agent now.

Actually, I have
an agent.

That guy's a dick.
You need to come
with us.

[Tyler]
Your fly's open.

Are you
that reporter
from Channel 5?

Yes, I am.

[Lexi, excited]
Hi! It's me again!

Calling to tell you
that I love you and
I was thinking about you.

Call me
when you get this. Bye.

[intense music]

[calling]

[Erica]
Kieran!

Are you coming over?

No, no. I'm at that,
that thing for Tyler.

It's, it's
a pretty great
party, if you--

Uh, uh.

No?

No, I'm brushing my cat.

Okay. Yeah, no, I,
I totally understand.

That's, that's
important, too.

[intense music]

[crash and female moaning]

[slurring]
I love you.

I love you so much.

I love you
like a motherfucker.

Just so much
like a motherfucker.

Who are
you talking to?

My agent.

[Heath]
Come on. We're just
gonna go to my room. Come on.

You're fucking Irish,
dammit. You don't
fucking pass out.

Heath, did you hear
that this means sex
and this means lesbian sex?

No, I didn't.

What are you doing?

Dealing with
a situation!

She's just resting!

She overdosed
on me.

Let's go
see Kieran.

I don't
fucking care.

She's sleeping.
She's sleeping.

Thing's caught
in her hair.

[Tyler]
You'll wake
her up now.

I've been trying
to wake her up
for a fucking hour.

[Heath] I just don't
get it. Why is Bambi
only a stripper's name?

I mean, originally,
Bambi was a bad ass
boy deer's name.

I want a name like
fucking kid Bambi
I can't see why I can't.

[Tyler]
How is Bambi
a bad ass?

Bambi was
a bad ass, dude.

[Tyler]
How have
you been, man?

I've been great. Wow!

Yeah? Huh?
What did I tell ya?

It's amazing.

Uh, are you
still with, uh.

Erica.

Erica! Yeah.

Dude.

[Tyler]: We got this chick,
fucking hot,
Filipina, big tits.

Nice little ass,
tanned, smooth, smooth.

[Heath]
And she'll lick
your balls, man.

First date.
First date.

I'm, I, Erica and I
are still together.

You sure?

Yes.

But she'll
lick your balls.

[Tyler]
You said you'd break
up with her. Didn't he?

[Heath]
Yeah.

I tried.

Bullshit.

Bullshit. You know what?
Tonight, forget it.

Forget it.
Look at this. Huh?

[Tyler]
What did I tell you
guys in high school?

I'm gonna be famous.
I'm gonna make it.
Did I not?

You did.

Guess who
has a surprise
for the boys?

Can we, uh, can we
slow down, you think?

Moving into that penthouse
is just a way of avoiding
your potential.

[Erica] There's no way you
can excel in your life if you
live with Heath and Tyler.

[Kieran] I'll be able to focus
on my writing. I won't be
sweating a rent every month.

How are you hiking
in those boots?

[Erica] I'm sure there won't
be any whorish slutty drunken
chick parties either.

You make it sound
like I'm moving in
with Hugh Hefner.

I make it sound
like you're moving
in with Tyler.

You're being--

I want my boyfriend
to focus on his future
not recapturing his past.

You'll be in a
condescential
lost cause.

That is not a word.

Yes it is!

[Kieran]
You can't
make up-- English--

Can you please
slow down?

If you can't keep up
with me now, how will you
keep up with me in 50 years?

50 years?

What? You just said---

No. You said I--

Are you-- [sighs]
I'm thinking--
What I'm trying to say--

That we should get
out of here before
the coyotes come?

No, I'm not--
There are no coyotes
here. That's crazy.

I'm trying
to-- Listen.

Maybe we should take
a couple of steps back.

What the fuck
does that mean?

Okay. [sighs]

It means I'm--

I'm just
thinking maybe we--

I'm trying--

Fuck. Okay.

[Kieran panting]

Oh. Oh.

So? How was
our time apart?

[panting]
It was horrible.
[distant coyote]

[playful music]

Hey, Lexi!

Kieran, hey!
God there was something
I wanted to tell you.

What was it?
Oh, yeah!

Go fuck yourself!

Hey, I, uh, ran
into Lexi in the hall.

Yeah, she seems to be having
trouble revising our
moving situation.

Bros before hoes.

She'll come around.

[Kieran] What? Wait.
You didn't tell her
that we were moving in?

Ugh!

This place
is pretty sweet, right?

It's perfect.

Honest, Tyler.
I don't know what to say.

Fuck you, man.
Don't say nothing.

What kind of schmuck
doesn't take care
of his boys?

This is gonna be
like old times!

[loud music]

[Tyler]
This DJ fucking sucks.

Come on.

[Tyler]
...there's two on yours and I'm
getting his shit.

I'll be back.

Dude! Bro!

What the shit, man!

Long time
no see, bro!
This place is awesome!

Oh. Who's that?

That's uh,
Tyler's sister.

Oh. That's tough
to look at, bro.

So anyway, I heard
you made it, man.

I heard you had
that story published
about that gopher.

Yeah. Well, it really
wasn't about a gopher.

That's crazy, man.

It's more
like adventure---

That's crazy.

Yeah.

Writing music
reviews for Rolling Stone?

That is cool, man.

Yo man, see that guy
over there? I fucking
pissed in his Seven Up.

I pissed
in his fucking Seven Up.

Anyway, dude.
I gotta go, man.

Alright. Go for it. Oh!

I got it.

You okay?
You got it.

Call me, alright?

You got it.

[ringing]

[Kieran]
Hey. Yeah. No, they're,
uh, having a party. Hold on.

I mean, a doctor.
Wow. So you must be
like really smart.

Big brain.

[Kieran]
Hey. Sorry,
Erica. It's, uh--

It's a pretty crazy party.
What's going on?

[Erica]
I think it's time
we moved in together.

Listen, uh, I got to go
make a quick diagnosis.
I'll see you in a little bit.

Have a drink
but don't drink too much.

[Erica] You have nothing
to say to that? Nothing
at all?

No. No. No.
I do.

I'm just--

Oh, my God. Tyler,

he just took the fire
extinguisher and he's
like spraying everything.

Let me call you
right back, okay?

What's up? Erica not
taking the break up so well?

No. She's loving it,
Heath. Thanks.

Ah, there you are.

I knew you were
gonna be a pussy and
not drink with us today

so I need a big
favor from you. Okay?

My sister is at this bar
across the street from LAX.

Your sister?
What's she doing here?

She came to visit
her famous brother.

You're sitting here
worrying about that bitch.

You're depressing everybody.
Just go, get my sister,

grab a drink
and come back. Okay?

Go. Go. Go.

[rock music]

[sound of jet]

[Kieran]
I know,
I'm sorry, Erica.

I just wanted a beer.

Um. No, I was caught
by surprise, you know?

Yeah. I'm ready
to move forward, too.

[Kieran]
No, I can't
come over right now.

I'm gonna pick up
Tyler's little sister.

[chuckles]
Relax.

She's like, she's
totally awkward and boyish.

Yeah. I--

Oh, shit.
You know what?
I gotta go.

Yeah. Bye.

Hey! Trista!

[male voice]
That'll be
13 dollars, sir.

13-- I didn't even-- Okay.

Just-- Can you
run that quickly?

Debit or credit?

Credit.

[sighs]

[whistles] "Awkward and
boyish." Not a very nice
way to talk about someone.

Uh, I didn't really
mean it. She's--

It's my best friend's
kid sister and I--

I just haven't seen her
in a long time.

Maybe she's
changed, huh?

Huh? Didn't really
look like it.

Thank you
very much.

Okay. Thank you, too.

Well, gotta run.
Make the peace.

Do you?
Maybe you could have your
friend pick up the kid

and you and I
can get out of here?

You don't know
my friend.

Wait. Wait.
What did you say?

At the Downtown Standard.
Maybe, uh, order
room service.

Are you-- What--

That's, uh--
That's interesting.

A bath
could be involved.

You want to take a bath?

You want to join me?

You don't even
know me. Are you--

[laughs playfully]

Hi, Kieran.
[keeps laughing]

That, that sucked.

That was mean, that
was just downright mean.

"Awkward and boyish?"
Jeez, thanks a lot.

I'm sorry.

But you look great,
by the way.

Thanks. So do you.
Wow. You've changed.

What's it like
living with my brother?

It's, [sighs] uh,
it's an adventure.

[loud music]

[crying]

Hey, Heath.
Seen my brother?

Uh, no.

He should
be here somewhere.

[Trista]
Tyler.

Oh, I know that voice.
Ah, how's my little
sister, my best friend.

How's my
little sister?

Sorry, I spilled
some Champagne
and shit from some girl.

Lovely, really seems
to agree with you.

Looking good, huh?

What do you think
of the place? Pretty
nice, huh?

Yeah. Strangely familiar.
So is there a room for me?

Of course there's room
for you, my sister. I've got
room for my little sister.

[female] Oh, hi.
Oh, you're pretty.

She's pretty.

You want to play
with me?

Please, stop.
Oh, no, no, no.

You like it?
It's slutty, right?

We gotta go. We parked
in a construction zone.

Don't worry about it,
I'll take care of it.

How?

I'm a doctor.

So how's Mom and Dad?

In a state of shock.
They caught a few episodes.

Like most of that
didn't even happen,

because they, like,
edited and stuff.

So, they--
That's my friend, Glen.

Okay, uh--

I think your room's
this way. Let's make
sure it's okay.

Wait here,
okay? I'm gonna fix
everything. Alright?

I'll be right back.
Hold on.

[playful music]

[music in headphones]

[coughs]
Fuck.

Fucking head's
gonna explode.

What's another
word for suicide
inducingly boring?

Erica?

[chuckles]
Hey, so, uh, you
still reviewing Muzak?

Yeah. Unless you can
pay me for my novel.

What's it about?

Uh, that's, uh, [sighs]
that's always such
a tough question.

It's a tough question
because he hasn't
fucking started it yet.

[Tyler]
You're gonna wear out
that finger, buddy.

Speaking of-- Did you
hook up last night?

I hooked up last night.
Yeah, I hooked up.
What about you?

Or did they pass out
on you again?

[Heath] No, I exhausted myself
moving the construction
equipment upstairs.

I think they had fun
with themselves.

Yeah? Aren't you sweet?
What did I tell you?
Pace, pace, pace.

[Tyler] How about you? First
night, single man, get a
little--? [whistles]

He probably
fucked your sister.

That's not funny.

Dude. I--
You know, I--

When you start
a sentence with "dude"
you say something stupid.

I tried.

To fuck his sister?

Dude! That's not funny.

Yes, it is.

Seriously.

Whatever.

[Tyler]
We should focus
on Kieran, poor guy.

How are you feeling, buddy?
Are things okay?

You did break up
with her, right?

Well, yeah, I mean,
I said that we should
take a couple of steps back.

Yeah. What the hell
does that mean?

It means he's stuck
in a Paula Abdul song.

No. It means that
I'm just trying to
let her down easy.

You cannot
let a girl down easy.

Man, she doesn't
care. She's gonna
dominate you, bro.

She doesn't give
a shit about you,

they only want to be
better than other girls.

You got an exit
strategy, pal?

What is your exit
strategy? Come on.

Well, I, I think
we're going to move
in together.

Jesus.

Let me get this straight.
She'll let you break
up with her

as long as you
move in together?

Yeah, if you
put it like that,
it sounds pretty stupid.

It sounds stupid
either way.

No, it doesn't--

Yeah, it does.

It makes sense when
she explains it.

Of course it does.

She doesn't hear the same
rules of engagement as you,
she's a fucking woman!

I'm just
going to punch you.

Are you kidding me?

I'll punch you
in the face.

Dude--

No. Don't dude me.

Look, I just think
I want to take a shot
at this thing.

You moved in
one day ago, bro!

I know, but I feel this
is a step forward for us.

So you're moving in together.
That's how you're breaking up
with each other?

What are you?
Fucking retarded?

I know we had this whole
plan of moving in together
and being single

and that sounds
really great in theory

but I'm not gonna get
any writing done.

If I don't
buckle down with Erica,
what's gonna happen?

I might end up being alone
and I want a life.

Yeah? You are one
brainwashed son of a bitch!

Look! This is a life!

[Tyler]
This is a beautiful,
as seen on TV, life.

Just because
you're 28 years old--

30.

I'm 29.

I'm 29 years old.

[Trista]
Hey, guys.

What did I miss?
It sounds deep.

[Heath]
We were just discussing
the appropriate conduct

of a 21st
century relationship.

[Kieran]
I got work to do.

Pretty interesting.

I'm 29.
You know I'm 29.
Am I not 29?

There was a mistake
on my birth certificate.

Ask mom!

Wow, So, uh--

Bloody Mary?
[whispering]
I make them really spicy.

[playful music]

[Harry]
So? How's the writing?

Great. Good. Wow.

Yeah, no, it, it--

It couldn't be, uh,

How are things
with you?

My wife just left me.

Oh, no.

[quivering voice]
She took my dogs.

I'm sorry.

She took my dog's life.

[suspense music]
Wow.

I got home and there
was blood everywhere.

She decorated the den
with Poochie's intestines.

Like garland around
a Christmas tree.

[suspense music
and ominous drone]
Ha.

I took care of her.

[chuckles]
Kieran, you're so gullible!

[chuckles]
I-- Well--

Why would you
say those things?

Because you
just lied to me!

You told me everything's
"Wow." I haven't seen dick
from you in months.

Okay.

Put your fiction
on a page.

Don't spit it at my face

and expect me to lick it up.

Okay. I see your point.

You really see my point?

Yes. I do.

[suspense music]
Do you?

Yeah.

Do you want to see
my point closer?

I, I, I got it.

[suspense music intensifies]

Okay, okay. Yeah. No.

[playful music]

[Harry chuckles]

See? That's what
I love about you.
You're so gullible.

[chuckling]
Go on. Get
out of here.

Go write me
something brilliant.

You got it.

[chuckling]
Look at that mouse.

You're an idiot.
That Lexi was fucking hot.

Shut up, man.

This is a reality show.

She hasn't called
me one time since I let
you guys moved in here.

It's reality.

It shows what her
real motives were.

Whatever. She's
fucking hot.

What about this girl?
You think she's hot?

Yeah. I do.

No, that's a tranny.

[growling]
I'm not good at this.

some people like
trannies, my friend,
apparently you're one of them.

Whatever. So what are
we gonna do about Kieran?

We can't let
him move in
with that bitch.

You gotta use that
doctor's brain of yours and
help me figure something out.

I have one idea.

What is it?

[chuckling]
We arrange
for him to get laid.

And then we throw it up
on Youtube and then call
her up and tell her.

I like that one.
We can get some girls

we can throw a party,
get him all fucked up

tell them that Kieran
has this huge cock, well,
no one would believe that.

We'll say
he's a billionaire.
Bitches love money.

I like it. I'm
getting some ideas here.

I'm gonna go
round up some sluts
and go see my agent.

And uh, you may be
sporting some wood
there, tranny lover.

[female voice on phone]
Good morning.
Can I help you?

Hey, it's That Tyler.
Is Doug there?

One second, please.
I have That Tyler on line 2.

Oh, put him through, please.

[Doug]
Big T!

Hey, uh, I'm not
feeling so well. I'm
not gonna make it in today.

[coughs]
I feel like this
tickle in my throat.

You want an ambulance?
Lucy, get an ambulance.
No, I'm just kidding,

no, but I've got very big
words for you today,
Buzz McManus!

Buzz McManus,
ladies and gentlemen!

Okay. Who's that?

Oh, my God. Is 2
plus 2 not equal to 22
in your beautiful brain?

I'm kidding,
you're smart. Seriously,

Buzz McManus
is the gatekeeper
to your celebrity, dumb babe.

He'll make it
happen for you.

Isn't he the dickhead
on MTV?

No, no, but he's similar.
In fact, he's better. Okay?

And he's going to give
you a private show
at the penthouse

to announce
the autobiography,
the book signing,

and season one
DVD of "Strangers."

What else
you got for me?

How about a few swanky
appearances? Ever heard
of Putas Locas before?

Pu, pu, puro what?

I don't speak
Spanish either.

But they've heard of you.
They want you to come down,
grab a camcorder,

maybe get girls
to take their blouses
off, sign autographs

maybe sign tits,
if I could have your
life for one minute,

I'd pound it to myself
in the mirror everyday.

I mean, not that I
don't do that anyway.

Okay. Can you find
something good for me,
like maybe a pilot?

I mean, I have talent.
Uh, maybe something on MTV,

maybe a VH1 reality show,
a celebrity rehab 101,
something classy.

Right, right, I mean,
I see where you're driving

I do, but it's pitch
black and you got a
busted headlight.

Uh, can you
just talk normal?

You have to crawl
before you walk, Tyler.

[sighs and hangs up]

I can't wait
until you meet
my mom tonight.

It's gonna be
so much fun.

Tonight?

Yeah!

Remember?

We have reservations.

Hey! Is this Mandy
or is this Sandy?

[chuckles]
No, it's Tyler.

Are you serious?

Yeah, no,
it's ball party.

[whispering]
No, no, I'm
just on the phone--

Uh. No, no.
That'll be--
That's my cousin.

You're so rude!

[Heath]
Doctor Bellotti's office?

Boss's daughter
is pretty hot.

Actually, that's
the boss.

Hi, doctor Bellotti.

Have a seat.
Glad to meet you.

Uh, you, you can
just call me Heath.

I've never had
a male nurse before.

I've never been
a male nurse before.

Just so you know,
I tried to have you
reassigned elsewhere

based on your
lack of experience

but the administration
said it was you or no one

and I need the nurse
power so here you are.

Thanks for the vote
of confidence.

Do you know anything
about children?

I know to wrap it up.

Joke.

I'm gonna tell
you now because
I don't want to get sued.

I always take my new nurses
out to lunch to get to know
them on a personal level.

So I will extend the
invitation to you and
if you choose not to accept

I won't be
particularly crushed
if you catch my meaning.

As long as we go
somewhere that serves
lobster, I'm there.

That's the look that says
"You must be joking."

I am joking.

Good.

But anywhere is fine
with me, you know?

I'll go anywhere
with you, I don't care.

What guy would be
crazy enough to turn
down a date with a beautiful--

It's not a date.

[chuckles]
Okay.

I like it here.
It's nice.

[rock music]

Interesting Feng Shui.

Yeah.

I think your decorator
may be morally wanting.

I think you're right.

But it is convenient
when you want to
have a good time.

You looking
for a good time?

Considering my brother
flaked on me for lunch,
yeah, kinda.

Why? Are you offering?

I've, I've got
work to do but, uh--

Dearjia is available.

If you want
to have a good time,
call me, Dearjia

I will make your wildest
dreams a, Bi-ality.

I think that's
a typo.

Still, it's pretty tempting.

It's a fine
looking he-she.

Enjoy yourself.

I usually do.

[playful music]

[drilling]

Hey, man.

Hey.

Look, I've had
a few drinks but this is
not why I'm gonna say this.

I just want to let you know
I'm sorry about this morning.

I want you
to have fun, uh--

Fuck you,
don't say nothing.

[sighs]
I can be a real
dick sometimes.

No.

No. More
than one person
has told me this.

That I don't mean to be,
I just get, oh, I just
want you to enjoy yourself--

No, it's, it's, don't worry
about it, just forget it.

I'll make it up to you.
Let's go downstairs,
have fun, there's people--

No, Tyler, I just
started like writing

and it's going really well,
so I'd rather just
stay in the zone.

Okay. Listen
to me.

I'll be good.
I promise I will be good.

Okay?

Just 5 minutes,
10 minutes, 30 minutes.

Like an hour, tops.
I swear to God.

If it's going well,
who knows.
Let's go.

Alright.

That's my boy. See?

You need some shorts.

[playful music]

[Heath chuckling]
Hey, he's coming,
he's coming.

[Heath]
He's awesome.
There he is,

now look at the big boy!
Look at him! Ready
for the spa.

Hey, Kieran, this
is Andy and Sandy.

Hi.

This is Kieran, guys.
The man of the legend.

Are you gonna get in?

Do I have a choice?

You either go
in on your own
or we throw you.

Oh, my--

[Kieran]
Did you really
have to do that?

[girl shouts]

[Kieran]
Make some room--
Oh. Okay. Crazy.

Mandy's working in the tanning
salon across the street
from Tyler's gym.

And Kieran here
is an editor at
Rolling Stone.

Wow, that's cool.

You know
Bon Jovi?

No, I don't.

He introduced me to Sambora
and Denise Richards?

What about Jay-Z?

No, I don't really,
it's not like that.

Come on, man.
He produced
his last album.

Isn't that right,
Mr. DJ Krush?

You're DJ Krush?
I thought he was Japanese.

[Tyler] He's actually
native Japanese but it's
all above the waist.

But, but,
his grandpa
was actually half black,

he's got those genes
in his jeans, if you can
smell what I'm cooking.

Bullshit.

Don't you have
like that huge
butterfly collection?

[loud music]

Everybody, it's time
to go play strip tag!

[Heath]
You're it, Tyler!

[Tyler]
Out of the way.

Okay.

Hey.

[Tyler]
Hey.

Who's it?
Should I go--

No. no. Stay.
I'll be right back.

Yeah. You--

Okay. alright. Okay.

[Andy]
Where did Kieran go?

I don't know.
He's running around,
playing tag or whatever.

Are you guys--

[Mandy]
Stop it. [chuckles]

Okay.

[Glen]
Oh.

Hey, Glen!

Morning, man.

We were, uh,
strip tagging here.

That's--

[Kieran]
There's a pool.
And a room.

[Heath]
He's a really
good guy, man.

He seems
like a nice guy,
he's really cute.

You think so?

Yeah. He's got
really nice eyes.

Is he single?

No, no. He's married.

[Tyler]
Kieran, go, go.
Come on, buddy.

Oh!

[Andy]
Oh!

[splashing and shouting]

[Kieran]
Oh! It's kind
of cold.

[splashing and voices]

[Tyler]
I wish there was more!

[Tyler]
Somebody pee
in the pool.

Hey, bro,
I missed you at lunch.

[Tyler]
Oh, yeah, I was at
my agent's, and uh,

his building's
cement so there's like,
I couldn't get a signal.

Maybe tomorrow?

Yeah. You're it.
Go, go, go.

[Andy]
Oh.

[Andy]
Are you trying
to get me drunk?

[Heath]
Yeah. [chuckles]

[Andy]
[mutters]

Hey.
[mouths silently]

Oh.

[Heath]
Where are
you going, man?

Why are you leaving?

It's cool.
I'll see you later.

I'll check
you later.

Are you smoking?

Does Tyler
know you smoke?

Do I care?

So you leave
the festivity so soon?

Yeah, It's not
really my thing.

Yeah, it looked
like you were having
a terrible time.

So why don't
you offer me a drink?

'Cause you're a baby.

I mean, aren't
you still a minor?

Jeez. You and Tyler used
to fill up the thermoses
out of Mom's box of wine.

You knew about that?

Wow.

I'll just,
uh, go change.

Don't do it
on my account.

[Heath]
Beer [mutters]

gotta be kidding me.

[sighs]

[sighs]
Can't even jerk off.

[Trista] So I read that
short story you wrote about
running away from home.

The one
that got published.

You mean the one
about the gopher.

Yeah. It wasn't really
about a gopher, though.

It's really good.

Thanks.

You still
want to be a writer?

Definitely, yeah,
it's, uh--

Sometimes it just--
It seems so far away,
you know, like,

like impossibly
far away.

Like those buildings
out there

They're right there,
but they're not. They're
pretty far away, you know?

They are
pretty far away.
[chuckles]

No more for you.
[chuckles]

Yeah. I deserve that.

So, what are
you writing now?

Uh, just reviewing music.

That sounds
really cool.

Uh, hm. No, it's
definitely not cool.

It's, uh, you know
what Muzak is?

I know what Muzak is.

I'm a huge fan of Muzak.

[chuckles]
No you're not.

I'm the biggest
fan of Muzak.

No, you're not.

Muzak sucks.

It's the worst.

It's like the soundtrack
for all the places you
don't want to be.

Shit.

So what are
you doing here?

I don't know.
I'm probably
gonna move out, but--

It's a great
life, isn't it?

Come on,
it's a penthouse, right?

Right.

It is a penthouse.

I don't know
I mean, it kinds seems
like a waste, you know?

Well.

I ought to get
out of here.

We wouldn't want that sauce
to cause us to do something
crazy, now would we?

Good night, Kieran.

Yeah, good night.

[slow, rhythmic music]

[door opens ominously]

[playful music changes
into rhythmic music
and moaning]

[alarm clock]

[female voice]
Design.
Features of style.

Very inexpensive to heat.

Energy efficient.

Well?

[tsk]
I--

Are we standing
in the closet right now?

[Real estate lady]
I got you covered.
There is room a storage unit.

Only 3 blocks away.

[baby cries
in the background]

I hate my life.

Give me a hug. Ah!

Jesus!

Who the fuck are you?

I'm sorry.

[playful music]

[Heath] Great, uh, Roy,
you wanna tell us
a little bit about yourself?

It's pronounced "Rwa."

Okay, Raw.

We just knock
it out then? Huh?

Okay. I, uh,
like the outdoors,

I have two sisters,
my dad's a bastard,

[sighs] fashion's my
life, I think that goes
without saying,

I just don't want to screw
this up because I want you
guys to like me so much

[thinning his voice]
please like me! Anyway,

Can I touch you
to see if you're real?

No touching, okay?

Alright, Raw?

It's pronounced "Rwa."

"Wa?"

"Rwa."

"Rwa!"

"Raw?"

"Wa," "Wa."

"Wa," okay, "Wa."

[Heath]
Well, we'll
give you a ring.

Hey.

Wha--

Yes!

I have no idea.

Everybody, let's give
a warm round of applause
for Kieran

whose early departure
from the penthouse

is giving you
the opportunity of a lifetime
to live with me, Tyler.

And, uh, that's my sister.

Seriously, you do
have the opportunity
of a lifetime,

[Trista]
Lunch?

you're just
gonna blow it?

He's gonna
blow it.

Your attitude stinks,
like my grundle, okay?

Out of 10 I give
him a big bad zero.
Zero, zero, zero.

Zero.

That's great.

Where are
you going?

Lunch with
Erica's parents.

Erica. Who's that?

My girlfriend.

Oh, right. The one
you're moving in with.

How are they?

Hm.

Can I make a suggestion?

Yeah.

Lose the sweater.

This sweater?

It's kind of cool out.

But that sweater isn't.
You should burn it.

Wow. Listen to you.

I don't remember you
being this caustic when
we were younger.

I think I prefer you forget
just about everything
you remember about me.

I actually have fond
memories of you.

Some things
I probably would
have done differently.

Such as?

Try harder.

At what?

You're really enjoying
this, aren't you?

No.

Go on.

I think I probably would
have, just, you know,

maybe stood up for--

What? Huh? What?

[chuckles]

Okay. Uh--

I think I should have
probably stood up for you

when kids were being mean.

Maybe sometimes
the way Tyler and I acted
we enabled this whole--

Okay, you can stop.

It's good.

I was just getting started.

I'll stop you before
you say something
that'll make me cry.

A tough girl
like you?

Okay. Try this.

On top of this?

On top of it.

[playful music]

I'm not even gonna ask.

Disaster.

I don't get it.

You posted that
on Craigslist?

Of course.

Did you post it
under housing section?

What housing section?

The-- Housing section.

There isn't
a housing section.

"Are you a guy?
Do you like Tyler
from "Strangers?"

"He's looking
for a new roommate
so here's your chance,

"open auditions
will be held this Thursday

at the
Strangers penthouse,
only fun people need apply."

Are you fucking
kidding me?

I'm a doctor,
not a writer.

You posted that
in the "Men Seeking
Men" section.

Well, aren't
we men seeking
a male roommate?

We're not men
seeking men, like--

I didn't realize
Craigslist was full
of a bunch of perverts.

You didn't notice
"Erotic services
Men Seeking Men."

You see all these guys
on the right side of the page??

What? Are they--
I didn't see that.

That's why I had
to be 18 to get in?

I thought it was because
to rent something,
you had be 18.

I mean to--

Stop.

[Kieran]
Hi, guys.

Hi.

You look so cute.

[father]
Yeah, you'd look cuter
if you're on time.

Totally kidding with you.
[chuckles]

Look at you.

[father] I don't mean to
put you on the spot
right away, buddy,

but we're running
a bit late,

let me ask you
something direct,
clear and personal.

You think I might have
some grandchildren in
this lifetime?

I gotta ask him.

[mother] You're body
won't stay like that
forever.

Look.

They're already--

Mom! Seriously.

[mother]
They're already
squishy. Look.

No, they're not--

I mean, kids are
one thing, but don't
you think we should

think about
marriage first?

[father]
Yes, you should.

[loud knocking]

The only way he's
gettin' in here is
picking the fucking lock.

Just go away!

[male voice]
Oh, I just--

Hey, I'm, uh, Barry.

Just a trick I learned
from Chuck Bronson.

Are you gay?

No. You?

No. Sit down.

[playful music]

Thanks.

[sighs]
Wow. This
place is great.

That, that brick
almost looks real.

[Heath] Why don't you
just tell us a little
bit about yourself?

[father] So I understand
you've been trying a little
writing there, Kieran.

Yeah. And I'm
still trying.

Great. You think
you might have
some more success

if the word "commitment"
was in your lexicon?

As in committed
to an asylum?

Very good. He's
got a good sense
of humor. I told you.

[father]
He sure does.
He's a scream.

If not you think you might
do the decent thing
and set her free?

Set me free?
What am I a wild caged
animal, trying to break free?

Nicholas, I don't
think we should talk--
No caged animals in my house.

When my hand's
up like this,
I'm talking.

[father] If you're not
financially viable to
support a family

you should think about
another line of work,

to have some room
for advancement as
your family grows.

Daddy, Kieran
wants to write.
He's a great writer.

That's been discussed.
In the meantime,

maybe you could
come work at my
box factory. Boxes.

Oh.

Oh. Hm.

[Kieran]
Well, that's tempting,
but you know, I just--

Boxes aren't
really my thing.

You know, I used
to be a socialist,
you know, Kieran?

And I realized there
was no money in it.

Call me crazy but I thought
my life would be better
with a few dollars,

with financial
security, so I did
a statistical analysis

of different
businesses and investments,

boxes weren't my thing,

but financial
stability for my family,
that was my thing.

Hi you all doing.
I'm Kelly, I'll
be your server.

Hi, Kelly.

Can I get
you a martini?

Two more.

Honey, the hand's up.

[father]
We're starting with
a seven layer bean dip,

she'll have
the shrimp tacos,
no shrimp, no tortillas,

she'll have a prime rib--

I haven't had meat
in almost seven years--

You will tonight.
He'll have the pasta
without any sauce.

I haven't looked
at the menu yet.

You don't need to.
Put it in. We're fine.

I definitely want sauce.

If I'm having
pasta, sauce--
Can I get a drink?

Mom, please don't cry.

[Barry] I'm also the kind
of guy that likes to
travel around a lot

just can't stay
in one place for
any amount of time.

I studied Buddhism in Tibet

but I got bored with that
so I took up some cooking
lessons in Paris

I met this girl, we traveled
around northern Africa,

where she fell in love
with a Moroccan prince
so I was just-- [swoosh]

Off to Australia,
took up some surfing,

but a buddy of mine got
his leg chopped off
by a great white

so not wanting to tempt
fate any further,

I headed out
and worked on an Alaska
oil rig for about six months,

which was just as dangerous
but the pay was a lot better

so with the cash I went
to New York, dabbled
on some online trading

made a gold mine
on some Tech stock
hedge funds

which I spent on a yacht
which sank off the coast
of Indonesia.

So, here I am.
[chuckles]

Yeah, well.

I was on reality TV.

And I won.

[Erica] Maybe I'm
not ready to get
married either, Mom.

[mother] I got married
before I was drunk--
before I started to drink.

[Erica]
You've been
drinking ever since.

You are
a condescential bitch!

[father]
That's not a word.

[mother]
Is too.

[clears throat]
So, does anybody ever
really get full from tapas ?

Why is he here?

[phone rings]

[father]
I was trying
to be nice.

You know what?
I'm gonna take this.

- A call.
- That is rude, young man.

Hello?

[Kieran]
That's, that's
crazy. Yeah,

don't panic, uh,
just stay there

and I'll
come get you.

What the hell
are you doing?

I'm sorry,
I have to leave.

[Erica]
What?

Yes, uh, it's uh,
Trista, Tyler's
[clears throat]

awkward, boyish
little sister

and, uh, she got
lost downtown,

Who goes
downtown anymore?

Hookers.

How do you know?

No. She's just--

[Kieran] She's lost
and she's panicking so
I'm just gonna go.

[Erica]
Why can't she just--

[Kieran]
Loved the meal.

I love that kid.

Hey, baby.
You come here often?

What's going on?
Are you okay?

I'm fine.

No, not really.
What's up?

No, it's stupid.

Come on, lay it on me.
I promise I'll try
not to laugh.

It's just--

It's just
fucking Tyler!

I've come here
to see him before
going to Europe

for I don't even know
how long and he can't
find the time

to even have
a crappy lunch with me.

Same shit all my life,
Tyler, Tyler, Tyler,
and I'm sick of it.

And I hate the fact
that I even care when
he so obviously doesn't.

Wow. I need whiskey.

[Trista]
He'd go out and I'd
sneak into his closet

and I would steal
his cowboy boots.

Remember those
ones he used to
love so much?

Of course.
How could I forget them,
the red and blue ones?

Red and teal. Right?

Oh, excuse me.

So you remember
how anal he was
about them, right?

So I would sneak in there,
take them out, put them on,

and I would run around
the house in these giant
oversized boots.

And I'd be so happy
just to be wearing
something of his.

Then of course I always
had to sneak them back
into his closet

before he got home
because he'd flip out
if he ever knew.

I guess it's just
kind of been our
deal, you know?

Me always trying
to get his attention.

You know, I actually thought
this trip would
be different.

I thought maybe
he'd finally notice me.

But, same old
invisible girl.

Thanks.

No, thanks.
You totally saved me
from a miserable meal.

How'd you know
to do that?

Gut feeling.

Oh. It's quite a gut.

Oh, my--
Oh, my God.

It's unsightly,
isn't it?

It really is.
It's disgusting,
you should put it away,

and maybe think about
doing some crunches
or something.

Hit me.

What?

Go on, punch me.

No, I'm not gonna--

I want you to hit me
as hard as you can.

Nice. That was nice.
It took me a minute
but I got it.

Oh!

[crash]

Oh, Jesus. Sh.

[chuckles]

I'll just
leave that here.

I don't even know
if Tyler's been in
this room, so.

[Barry] So I said to the
guy, I thought I told
you to duck?

And he goes,
"Oh, I though you meant
the one in the pond."

[chuckles]

[Heath]
Stinker.

Hey, who's the,
uh, cute couple?

Oh, no, we're
just friends.

[Tyler] Don't worry about them,
Barry. That's just my ex-friend
and my little sister

but this
is a fantastic martini.

[Barry]
Really? Alright.
I, I honestly, wasn't--

Trista.

[door clangs shut]

So, uh, Bar,

to new roommates.

Yeah, new roommates.

[Tyler]
Cheers. Are you
moving in tonight?

[Barry]
Tonight?

[Tyler]
Yeah.

[Barry]
I mean, I could.

[Tyler]
Man, this is good.

[soft music]

[Tyler]
No, Lisa.
The girl's here for Heath.

She thought that his
room was my room.

Would I lie to you?

No way.

Not-- Convince
you that--
Hang on.

Hey, you want to spend
a little QT with your
brother today?

I'll get my purse.

Hey, what's
in the envelope?

Nothing.

That's my sister.

[muffled sounds
of alarms, dogs barking,
music and babies crying]

See? If we
get in now,
we can sell

and make a profit
in less than two years.

We'll make money
off the bank's money,

which will
enable us to move
up to a bigger place.

[muffled voices
of arguing neighbors]

You made a pie chart.

Yeah.

[Heath] Listen, thank you
so much for lunch,
I really appreciate it.

You're welcome.

So you live here?

Uh, yeah,
for the time being.

I mean, it's,
you know, sort
of a crash pad.

[Heath]
It does the trick.

And how exactly
do you afford this
on a nurse's salary?

[Mitra]
This wasn't
as bad as I thought.

No?

Definitely not
as bad as I thought.

I mean, lunch,
was a little,
hm, spotty.

And you're
kind of cute,
you know that?

I did not know that, no.

Charming, I knew,
but cute? I don't know.

I'll take it.

You're not so bad
yourself, you know?

Except for
the fact that you're
a heartless workaholic.

Yeah.

You know underneath
this hard exterior, yours
is a pretty big heart.

Well, I've noticed
that you're a good nurse.

Thank you.

And you're smart,
work well with children.

I mean, I get a lot
of practice being
around here.

What was that for?

So now you're an idiot.

Not really am I?

Yeah, a little bit.

[Erica] Okay, I'll be here
early in the morning to help
you pack. Alright?

I love you--
Daddy, hi!

You'll never
believe this.

We found the most
adorable place,
we're moving in together.

Oh, hey, Bar.
Yeah, last night was the most
fun I've ever had in my life.

Yeah, no, I can't wait
until you move in here.

[Tyler]
Yeah, that's
fantastic. Tonight?

[Tyler]
Let me call you back.

What?

It's not working.

What's not working?

The whole Barry thing
is not making me jealous.

Not everything
is about you, Kieran.

Buzz McManus is coming here
right now, to interview
me, in my penthouse.

You know the one
you're living in for free?

[Tyler]
Figure it out!

[curtain music]

Welcome to another edition
of "Living Large"
with me, Buzz McManus,

where we see
the beautiful
and the blessed.

And today we will
be doing the penthouse
of That Tyler.

Is life better
as a celebrity without
any actual talents?

Well, yeah.

Well, fantastic!
So here is your foyer.

[Buzz]
And over there the TV
set of the "Strangers."

[Tyler]
Yeah, actually, we love
to throw this around.

Does it ever bother you
to be an integral part
of the downfall of America?

[playful music]

[Buzz]
What do we have here?

[chuckles]

Thank you.

[Tyler]
God! What the fuck
are you doing here?

We all remember Lexi,
That's girlfriend
from "Strangers."

How are doing?

Great, Buzz. Ever
since Tyler's moved
his school buddies in

instead of me--

That's called loyalty.

That's called
immaturity and fear.

My therapist
has you pegged.

Has he pegged you yet?

That's none of your business.
None of this is your
business anymore.

Oh, is that your book?
How's your 15 minutes
of fame going?

How's your five?

He calls
his unit, Gizmo.

She has IBS.

Tyler shaves
his asshole!

No. Brrr.
No. Stop.

Can we move on?

We move on.

[Buzz]
Shaving his asshole.
Fucking loser!

That was
for your birthday.

[Buzz]
So are we done here?
Shall we go?

No, actually,
we got my boy Heath.

Oh, I don't know
what the fuck
this shit is.

It's all good.
What's up, buddy?

Oh, shit!

[Heath]
Oh, my God, bro!

Get the fuck out!

[Heath]
Will you get the fuck
outta here, man?

It looks like
the doctor is in.

I'm so sorry.

How was I
supposed to know?

I got
the fucking barricade,
you fucking idiot!

I'm sorry.

It's huge!

This has happened
to me and Tyler
many times.

[Heath]
Get the fuck outta here!

I'm sorry, man. How was I
supposed to know you'd
be diddling your nurse?

Actually, I'm the doctor.
He's the nurse.

Shit.

She's-- You're
not a doctor?

[Heath]
Fuck! Get the fuck out!

[soft music]

[Trista]
Why did you write this?

Uh, I don't know.

'Cause I wanted to.

[Kieran]
Sorry, is that--

So you're leaving?

Yeah, I need to.

This place--
This place just isn't me.

Moving in with Erica?

I don't think so.

So where are you going?

Uh, I don't know.

Just-- What about you?

What are you--
Are you?

You didn't
like the story?

I just don't
get it, Barry.
You know?

I mean, how did everything
get so effing fucked?

You know, I was
on an excavation
on the Sahara

and I spent some
time with a Bedouin.

Anyhow, they, uh,

had a saying.

The hardest tool was
the softly spoken phrase.

I'm sorry.

Dude, you have the ability
to unfuck that which
has been fucked.

Idiot.

[Trista]
The semester starts
in February

and it runs into
mid June so I'll be
in Paris until then.

Then I'm going
to go to Barcelona,

Rome--

Don't even know
where you're going.

Prague.

You're going
to Europe by yourself.

Maybe but
I have a roommate
there already.

we're gonna travel
together. Yeah.

[sighs]

Of course,
there's always
room for one more.

Wow.

I don't know.
I don't think so.

Come on. We could
do all kinds of crazy
stuff together.

You could
write about it.

A bath could
be involved.

Oh. You want
to take a bath?

You want
to join me?

I-- I-- uh--

[crash]

Erica.

[Heath] Thanks a lot , man.
I mean, you don't have to
apologize to me, bro.

[Tyler] No, I do. I
do have to apologize

because I was
in the wrong.

I'm sorry
you had to see me
in that position.

Cheers.

Erica, wait
a minute.

[Erica]
Stop it!
Go away!

[Kieran]
Don't walk
away, please.

Get the fuck off of me!
How could you, you lying
cheating piece of shit!

How could you?

It's not
what you think.

Oh, thank God it's
not what I think

because I just walked
in on you, naked in
bed with some slut!

He finally got laid!

Please, let's
go somewhere--

Jesus, he actually
does have a pretty
big cock.

I think
it was inside
your sister, bro.

My sister? My--

My sister! You fucking
touched my sister?

I'll kill you!

Whoa, whoa, wait.

Oh.

[Barry]
Right there.

Tyler's sister?

I'm good, I'm good.

You fucked with--

The awkward, boyish sister?

Let me explain.

Ugh!

That's just cutting
the circulation off
the brain.

Fucking crazy.

[Tyler]
Heath, just
help a little.

[Trista] I know it's kind of
a short notice, I just
decided that I was going--

Hey.

waiting like
I was normally--

Can I talk to you?

I'm on
the phone, Kieran.

Okay, uh,
this is important.

Can I call you back?

What do you want?

I just wanted
to say that--

What do you want
to say, Kieran?

I just wanted
to tell you I'm--

Are you leaving?

No big shocker, huh?
I can't imagine

why I'd want
to leave this
place. Right?

You know, I, I
couldn't figure out
why you wanted to live here.

And I didn't think
you had it in you.
You know, I was wrong.

Because you know what?
You and my brother,
you deserve each other.

Trista. Come on.

[Tyler]
I'm fine, though.
Okay, Barry?

Okay. You ready?

Yeah, I'm good.
Ah! Fuck!

Jesus!

It relieves
the pressure points.

Get off. I told
you I'm okay.

I'm gonna fucking
kill you, sister fucker.

[Tyler]
Oh, I can't even
look at you right now.

Oh, is it that
terrible, Tyler?

[mocking]
Yeah, it is
that terrible, Trista.

It's not like I never
had sex before.

You didn't have
sex before.

A guy penetrated me.

Don't. No-- Nobody's
penetrated you.

[Trista]
I gave blow jobs,
yeah, lots of them,

good ones,
swallowing, big,
fat, oh!

You're not
doing that.

I won an award
in college.

They don't give
awards for that.

As a matter of fact--

There's something you
don't know about me

but I love having
my brains fucked out!

Threesomes, foursomes,
orgies, gang bangs--

I told you
not to hang out
with Betty, that slut!

Missionary, a
lot of doggie--

Reverse cowgirl.

The gun?
What are you doing--

Daisy chains.

There's no fucking--

Yeah, there's
lots of them.

[Trista]
You ever heard
of a hot Carl?

What the fuck is that?

[Heath] You didn't--
You didn't really do all
that, did you?

No, Heath.

Yeah.

How about
some couscous ?

Alright, man.

Yeah.

[Heath]
Couscous?
What the fuck is that?

[Tyler]
Come out of your room.

Remember when
I burned your Barbies?
You forgave me for that.

Come on. I'll take you
to one of those shitty
romantic comedies you like.

Please, come out.
What are you doing in there?

You're by yourself, right?

[sighs]
I'm sorry.

[Trista] I need a ride to the
airport tonight. Are you taking
me or should I call a cab?

What time?
There's traffic-- Okay,
okay, I'll take you.

Jesus Christ.

Hey, Mitra.
It's, uh, it's Heath.

Heath the nurse. Ha.

Uh, uh, I'm just calling,
I guess to apologize.

I don't know,
I wrote down this list

about things
that suck about Heath.

[Heath sighs]
Sorry. Sorry for
being fucking stupid.

Sorry for embarrassing you,
I'm just being honest.

I'm still trying to be funny,
I'll still be nice to you.

I'll cuddle you if you could
forgive me or something.

Sucks! [sighs]
I was in there.

Just call me back,
I don't know.

I'll try not
to fuck up again.

Wow. Of all the places
I never thought I'd see you.

Surprised?

In more ways
than one, Kieran.

You've every
right to hate me.

No, I don't hate you.

Truth is 30 years from now
I don't want to end up like
my mother and father either.

Should have ended this
a long time ago.

I know that you wanted to
it's just, I really
thought that--

Just, uh, watch out
for the coyotes.

[turns radio on]

Whoa, look.

No, you look! I've had
a massive crush on him
since he was 14!

What? Shut up.

He wasn't the self-centered
prick of an older brother
that never had time for me

he was a sweet
guy that acted
like I existed.

He's dead to me.
I am not self-centered.

Look, we're hanging
out right now, aren't we?

Yeah, feel the love.

Why are we slowing down?

I just gotta go
inside for a bit.

I'll get them
to comp you a drink.

What?

If you go in there,
I'm not gonna be here
when you get back.

Come on, Trish,
you know I have
to do this kind of stuff.

I'm not coming back.

Ever.

Two minutes.

Sure, Tyler.

Five minutes. Just turn
this and lock your door.

I called
his agent an hour
ago. An hour ago!

He's still not here!
I don't believe it!

Hey, Tyler!

Who are you?

Mike Profit,
from Profit Promotions.

How're you doing?

I got you set up in
VIP with a bottle
on the house.

We got you
scheduled for two hours,
30 minutes of photos,

hanging out,
make it seem
as natural as you can.

Then Alejandra,
the Putas Locas producer

she's gonna get you geared
off with the camera and set
you loose on the audience,

He'll brief you, but
you've seen the videos,
ask them their name,

free T-shirts for titties out,
50 bucks for dyking in the
bathroom and bla bla bla

and all that
fun stuff, okay?

There you go. Enjoy.

[Mike]
Is there a problem?

[Tyler]
Yeah, I can't
really do this.

Man, this isn't
my shit anymore.

[soft music]

Seat taken?

Barry, how
did you find me?

Bro, I spent eight months
tracking cheetahs
in the Serengeti

I think I can find
a 150 pound white dude
on the top of a mountain.

So how are
you holding up?

Well, let's see, uh,

My friends hate me,

the girl that I never
loved but was gonna
move in with

left me, understandably.

And the girl
that I do love

wants to leave me.

Actually, she already left.

There you have it.

But, hey,
I'm still writing. Right?

Pumping out
my terrible reviews

of mind numbing,
suicide inducing Muzak.

I'll tell you what.
I have a buddy that runs a
pop culture mag in Hollywood.

I'm sure he can
always use a smart reviewer.

Yeah, music, books,
movies, stuff like that.

You interested?

Yeah, I totally am.
You can hook that up?

[chuckles]
Yeah. I can
hook that up.

That's awesome!

But I won't.

[rock music]

Yo, I need to go rub one
out real quick. Okay?
Will you be alright?

Yeah. Why are
you telling me this?

See you.

So, uh,
hello, ladies.

Hey.

[Barry]
I read your story
about the girl.

You did?

It's good, man.
You're very talented.

Believe me,
if I thought it was
shit, I would tell you.

The question is,
do you want to be a writer

or just someone who writes?

Because if you want
to be a writer then
you have to get out

and experience things
worth writing about.

Get the fuck out of here
and entangle yourself
in some drama.

Okay. Well, you know,
I think I've had
enough drama--

What? Come on!
No, you haven't!

It's time
for you to reach
under the bull

and just grab
him by the nuts.

I mean, metaphorically.
Do you understand?

Who are you?

Rwa.

Rwa.

Best friend,
BFF always, uh--

I knew it.

That Tyler.

There you go.
You can go, thank you.

Uh-- No.

[loud kiss]

Oh, fuck.

Next.

Oh, my God.
Is it really That Tyler?

Misogynistic pig,
please sign my book.

[Heath]
I don't know
what to say.

I'm an idiot.

I have to lie
to get laid.

I don't know what
that look means.

Does that mean that
we're all good,

or is that a look like
you're gonna castrate
or something?

[Tyler] Come on, Lexi,
I don't want you to be
upset anymore.

Upset?

Tyler, I'm not
upset anymore.

I don't care.
I have to care
to be upset.

You put your big fat
stupid head in the
garbage disposal

and I gladly pulled
the switch.

Seriously.

[growling sound]

Okay, look. Here,
how about this?

Dear Lexi,

I'm very, very, very,
truly, truly sorry

for ever ever taking
for granted what we had.

Love,

Tyler.

[Tyler] Just give me
a few minutes with
these people

we can talk after. Okay?

Ugh.

That was, uh--
That was really nice.

I'm actually here
to apologize to you.

Just like a hemorrhoid,
the sister fucker returns.

Where's your copy
of the book?

Tyler, I'm
really sorry.

Oh, I'm sorry, too, sir.
You see the rules?

[Tyler]
No book,
you can't be there.

Yeah, but I'm--

No book [tsk]

Tyler, this is important,
I'm trying to--

Next!

Apologize.

Okay, fine, here. You
can take this book.
It's special for you.

I don't give
two shits about
your fucking book.

I care about you, you know--
I, I care about us.

Take the book.

I care about Trista.

Take the fucking book.

No.

Take the book!

I'm not
taking the book.

I'm not!

Take the fucking book!

Fine! I have
the book, now what?

Oh, you're welcome!
You know what? End
of the line for you!

And no
head shot. Go!

Go.

[playful music]

[music ends]

[playful music]

[women yell]

[jet sound]

Ugh.

[ominous drone]

[screaming]

[screams and crashes]

[Lexi]
I missed you.

Hm. I know.

Why did you
tell that Buzz guy
I shaved my asshole?

Because you did.

Yeah, I did it
for you.

Sweet.

[Kieran]
That's-- That's
oddly romantic.

Alright, I guess
I gotta catch a cab.

Ugh. Where's Heath?

I think maybe
you should wait
for a few minutes.

Why?

[Tyler]
It's called
courtesy, Kieran.

Alright.

Anybody want
to say goodbye, or,

wish me luck? Tyler?

Good talk!

Alright, I'll
see you, uh--

This is
for my sister.

She'll understand.

What's in the box?

Come on,
what's in the box?

What's in the box?

What are you doing?

[Tyler]
How's the doctor?

Was she licking
your balls?

I would never ask her
to do something
like that.

If she wants to do
it I'll let her
do it, but,

Not gonna be a dick,
like, [gruff voice]
"Hey, bitch, lick my balls."

[Heath]
I'll just let her
do it on her own.

Classy.

Yeah.

[Kieran]
Alright. So,
guess this goodbye.

Are we hugging,
or--? No?

Awkward to stand around
and nod at each other.

Yeah.

I hope your plane
doesn't crash.

Thanks, that's nice.

At least admit one
thing. You had fun.

You had some fun
in the penthouse.

It was definitely
an experience,
let's leave it at that.

You had the best part,

[chuckles]
fucking your
sister! Ah!

[Heath]
Oh, God,
I wish I was you.

[Heath]
She's fucking hot!

[Tyler]
Alright. But you did
have fun, right?

Fucking your sister?
Hell, yeah!

[chuckles viciously]

I'll see you.

Alright.

What?

Out, too.

I'm staying!
Leave me alone!

[laughing]
I'm not gonna
leave! No!

[Tyler] Alright, you can stay,
but you have to pay rent.

You got the fucking
place for free!