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1
00:00:03,427 --> 00:00:05,257
The strappy ones are cute, but
I don't think they're my size.
2
00:00:05,264 --> 00:00:07,194
Yeah, it's fucked up that
you can't try them on.
3
00:00:07,185 --> 00:00:08,935
Yeah, you only get one shot
to steal some asshole's
4
00:00:08,939 --> 00:00:11,439
fancy shoes
at the hipster bowling alley.
5
00:00:11,443 --> 00:00:14,163
Ugh, these rich kids' lives
are like theme parks,
6
00:00:14,157 --> 00:00:16,157
and this stupid,
ironic bowling alley
7
00:00:16,161 --> 00:00:18,211
is like Poorland: The Ride.
8
00:00:18,207 --> 00:00:19,957
As an actual poor person,
I resent that.
9
00:00:19,961 --> 00:00:21,341
Well, I'm doing my part
10
00:00:21,338 --> 00:00:22,928
sticking it to
the nouveau riche
11
00:00:22,925 --> 00:00:24,845
by stealing a pair
of their designer shoes.
12
00:00:24,845 --> 00:00:27,135
Not that anybody at this
premiere will even notice them.
13
00:00:27,141 --> 00:00:28,811
Who would have thought that
when you were shooting
14
00:00:28,812 --> 00:00:30,522
a student film that
one day you'd be wearing
15
00:00:30,524 --> 00:00:32,534
designer shoes on
the red carpet to promote it.
16
00:00:32,528 --> 00:00:35,158
It will be excited to see
myself on the big screen.
17
00:00:35,157 --> 00:00:37,197
Plus, I shot it in 2012,
18
00:00:37,203 --> 00:00:40,003
so I could either be 5 pounds
thinner or 40 pounds heavier.
19
00:00:40,001 --> 00:00:42,671
Are you almost done?
Oh, relax.
20
00:00:42,673 --> 00:00:44,763
You'll be able to pick up
your horrifying saddle shoes
21
00:00:44,760 --> 00:00:46,600
with glitter laces
in a minute.
22
00:00:46,598 --> 00:00:48,348
Let me guess, did you get
those pins on Etsy?
23
00:00:48,350 --> 00:00:50,350
Were they like, what,
15 bucks apiece?
24
00:00:50,354 --> 00:00:53,654
18 bucks, and I think
they're "adorkable."
25
00:00:53,653 --> 00:00:55,533
Etsy is a cult.
26
00:00:55,532 --> 00:00:57,292
Except with arts and crafts
instead of group sex.
27
00:00:57,285 --> 00:00:59,825
So basically camp.
The worst cult.
28
00:00:59,832 --> 00:01:01,842
Hello, these are
my bowling shoes I'm returning.
29
00:01:01,836 --> 00:01:03,916
I sure had a gay old time
bowling in them.
30
00:01:03,923 --> 00:01:06,223
Those are mine, I think.
The Louboutins.
31
00:01:06,219 --> 00:01:09,389
I lost my ticket.
9 1/2, right?
32
00:01:09,392 --> 00:01:12,902
Yep, these are
definitely mine.
33
00:01:12,900 --> 00:01:14,780
[coughing]
34
00:01:14,779 --> 00:01:18,699
Oh, grow up,
Millennial Velma.
35
00:01:18,703 --> 00:01:21,713
[rock music]
36
00:01:21,709 --> 00:01:23,129
♪ ♪
37
00:01:23,128 --> 00:01:24,798
This place?
You kidding me?
38
00:01:24,799 --> 00:01:26,759
Some premiere.
39
00:01:26,761 --> 00:01:28,681
Looks like the only
red carpet I'll be seeing
40
00:01:28,682 --> 00:01:30,312
is the one I paid somebody
to wax off this afternoon.
41
00:01:30,309 --> 00:01:31,809
Well, Cinnamon Challenge,
42
00:01:31,813 --> 00:01:33,193
I still think
it's very exciting.
43
00:01:33,190 --> 00:01:34,940
Yeah, well,
you work for PBS.
44
00:01:34,944 --> 00:01:36,704
You called Charlie Rose's
new hair part exciting.
45
00:01:36,698 --> 00:01:39,078
Ah, that was the biggest day
in PBS history.
46
00:01:39,077 --> 00:01:41,457
Left to right,
we lost two viewers.
47
00:01:41,456 --> 00:01:43,376
I don't want to think
about my job,
48
00:01:43,377 --> 00:01:45,587
especially now that my
responsibilities have expanded.
49
00:01:45,590 --> 00:01:48,260
Now I'm listening to viewer
voicemails on the comment line.
50
00:01:48,262 --> 00:01:50,892
I have to transcribe each
message and then write a report.
51
00:01:50,892 --> 00:01:52,442
I'm over it, brass brad.
52
00:01:52,437 --> 00:01:53,977
Well, maybe this movie
will be a hit,
53
00:01:53,982 --> 00:01:55,742
and it'll be my big break,
54
00:01:55,735 --> 00:01:57,235
and then I can be
the breadwinner for a while.
55
00:01:57,238 --> 00:01:59,368
I'd love it.
Bread.
56
00:01:59,367 --> 00:02:01,497
Mmm, bread.
Mmm, bread.
57
00:02:01,496 --> 00:02:03,246
All right,
I'll see what I can do.
58
00:02:03,250 --> 00:02:05,550
The movie's starting.
Okay.
59
00:02:05,547 --> 00:02:07,337
I still want bread,
but the movie's starting.
60
00:02:07,341 --> 00:02:10,351
[dramatic music]
61
00:02:10,347 --> 00:02:11,677
♪ ♪
62
00:02:14,105 --> 00:02:15,895
It was awful.
63
00:02:15,901 --> 00:02:17,611
I was awful.
64
00:02:17,613 --> 00:02:20,623
The movie and I were equal
in our awfulness.
65
00:02:20,619 --> 00:02:22,539
Every time I think
I'm getting a break,
66
00:02:22,539 --> 00:02:25,129
it winds up
sucking worse than the last.
67
00:02:25,127 --> 00:02:28,507
We're going to 7J.
You know I don't like that.
68
00:02:28,510 --> 00:02:30,350
What is the point of having
a drug dealer for a neighbor
69
00:02:30,346 --> 00:02:32,226
if you don't take advantage
now and then?
70
00:02:32,225 --> 00:02:34,805
So now I have to go
to this audition not high.
71
00:02:34,814 --> 00:02:37,034
I think it's so rude your
drug dealer went to prison
72
00:02:37,026 --> 00:02:38,736
without leaving
any weed behind.
73
00:02:38,738 --> 00:02:41,988
But he did leave
1,500 tiny baggies behind,
74
00:02:41,994 --> 00:02:44,424
which I'm going to make
into dream baggies.
75
00:02:44,415 --> 00:02:46,705
What are dream baggies?
They're my new business.
76
00:02:46,712 --> 00:02:48,172
'Cause obviously
this show business thing
77
00:02:48,173 --> 00:02:49,683
is not a good idea.
78
00:02:49,677 --> 00:02:51,677
I've got to bring in
money somehow,
79
00:02:51,681 --> 00:02:53,601
so I'm starting an Etsy store.
Listen to this description.
80
00:02:53,601 --> 00:02:56,401
"Whisper your desires
into these dream baggies
81
00:02:56,398 --> 00:02:58,528
and watch them become
fully realized."
82
00:02:58,528 --> 00:03:01,408
And then I hashtagged it
"bridesmaids."
83
00:03:01,408 --> 00:03:03,748
I think those Etsy dopes
will eat that bullshit up.
84
00:03:03,746 --> 00:03:05,366
I've already sold 30.
85
00:03:05,374 --> 00:03:06,924
Now I have
to actually make them.
86
00:03:06,919 --> 00:03:09,129
Bye.
Hey, Billy, Matthew.
87
00:03:09,132 --> 00:03:11,052
Can one of you two glory holes
finish brewing the sweet tea?
88
00:03:11,052 --> 00:03:12,762
I gotta go.
89
00:03:12,764 --> 00:03:15,734
Oh, Mama Goldilocks
got her dancing shoes on.
90
00:03:15,729 --> 00:03:17,439
You got a date tonight?
How dare you think
91
00:03:17,440 --> 00:03:19,360
I only dress for
the approval of men.
92
00:03:19,360 --> 00:03:21,030
We're not all out here trying
to trick Dave Chappelle
93
00:03:21,031 --> 00:03:23,451
into fucking us.
Oh, still single then, huh?
94
00:03:23,452 --> 00:03:25,542
Actually I have
better after‐work plans
95
00:03:25,540 --> 00:03:28,090
than jerking off into an empty
box of Papa Johns cheesy bread.
96
00:03:28,086 --> 00:03:30,756
Oh, okay, fine, I'll bite.
What are you doing?
97
00:03:30,759 --> 00:03:33,389
Plaster casting my hole.
My sorority is in town.
98
00:03:33,388 --> 00:03:35,018
The three girls I had
gender confirmation with,
99
00:03:35,017 --> 00:03:37,017
we got pussies together.
100
00:03:37,021 --> 00:03:39,071
Oh, well, that sounds more fun
than plaster casting my hole.
101
00:03:39,067 --> 00:03:40,777
Could I come?
No.
102
00:03:40,779 --> 00:03:42,659
We have reservations
at Sugarfish. No jokes.
103
00:03:42,658 --> 00:03:44,488
And then tomorrow
we're doing ayahuasca
104
00:03:44,494 --> 00:03:46,334
and having a sound bath.
105
00:03:46,331 --> 00:03:50,551
All right, well,
plaster casting my hole it is.
106
00:03:52,093 --> 00:03:54,813
Do I have an original thought
in my head?
107
00:03:54,807 --> 00:03:57,227
My perfectly shaped head?
108
00:03:57,228 --> 00:03:59,108
I miss gauchos.
109
00:03:59,107 --> 00:04:01,777
My slender ankles are wasted
under these slacks.
110
00:04:01,779 --> 00:04:04,699
Oh, stop it, Marilyn!
You've got to focus.
111
00:04:04,702 --> 00:04:07,922
Ready...set...
112
00:04:07,916 --> 00:04:11,166
I should get a lemon wedge.
I worked out this morning.
113
00:04:11,172 --> 00:04:13,972
No, I should put
something on the page,
114
00:04:13,970 --> 00:04:16,350
then reward myself
with a lemon wedge.
115
00:04:21,025 --> 00:04:24,275
You can do this.
It's easy.
116
00:04:24,282 --> 00:04:26,622
Ready, set...
117
00:04:26,620 --> 00:04:28,880
Am I caller 106?
118
00:04:28,875 --> 00:04:31,205
Of course I'll repeat
the phrase that pays.
119
00:04:31,212 --> 00:04:34,182
I just won four tickets
to see Barbra Streisand
120
00:04:34,177 --> 00:04:37,307
and her dog perform
in concert tomorrow night.
121
00:04:37,308 --> 00:04:40,268
[hyperventilating]
Yes!
122
00:04:40,272 --> 00:04:42,822
MAN: Sherlock this,
Sherlock that.
123
00:04:42,819 --> 00:04:45,279
I didn't pledge $3
to watch Benedict Cumberbatch
124
00:04:45,282 --> 00:04:46,872
and Martin Freeman not kiss!
125
00:04:46,869 --> 00:04:48,539
Ugh.
126
00:04:48,539 --> 00:04:50,419
I don't know how much longer
I can last at PBS
127
00:04:50,417 --> 00:04:51,957
if I have to keep this up.
128
00:04:51,962 --> 00:04:53,552
Well, my Etsy store
is taking off.
129
00:04:53,549 --> 00:04:55,259
[knocking at door]
A couple of women in Ohio
130
00:04:55,260 --> 00:04:57,140
asked me to make them
some fertility amulets
131
00:04:57,139 --> 00:05:00,059
and a menstruation charm.
132
00:05:00,062 --> 00:05:01,692
Mom, what's wrong?
133
00:05:01,690 --> 00:05:03,320
Why would you assume
something's wrong?
134
00:05:03,318 --> 00:05:05,158
Because you just
showed up at my door,
135
00:05:05,155 --> 00:05:06,985
and you never do that.
Only because your neighborhood
136
00:05:06,992 --> 00:05:09,122
is awful and your apartment
has fleas,
137
00:05:09,122 --> 00:05:12,672
but I had to see your face
when I tell you
138
00:05:12,671 --> 00:05:15,011
that we are going to
Barbra Streisand
139
00:05:15,008 --> 00:05:17,218
duet with her dog
tomorrow night.
140
00:05:17,221 --> 00:05:18,721
Mom, you love
Barbra Streisand!
141
00:05:18,724 --> 00:05:20,394
And you love her dog.
142
00:05:20,394 --> 00:05:22,614
I won tickets from Peri 106.9.
143
00:05:22,607 --> 00:05:24,437
Light sounds and
cherry‐picked news stories
144
00:05:24,443 --> 00:05:27,783
for the perimenopausal woman
with style and grace.
145
00:05:27,784 --> 00:05:31,584
Anyway, I won four.
You can invite Billy and a date.
146
00:05:31,584 --> 00:05:34,014
Hello, Marilyn.
I'd love to go.
147
00:05:34,005 --> 00:05:35,505
Oh, what's all this?
148
00:05:35,508 --> 00:05:37,888
Oh, I'm crafting.
She's crafting.
149
00:05:37,888 --> 00:05:39,848
You're avoiding
writing a book, too.
150
00:05:39,850 --> 00:05:41,520
Not that I'm avoiding
writing a book.
151
00:05:41,520 --> 00:05:43,360
How dare you suggest
such a thing.
152
00:05:43,356 --> 00:05:45,186
No, it just makes me happy.
153
00:05:45,194 --> 00:05:47,664
I don't know, I get to spend
all day away from people
154
00:05:47,657 --> 00:05:50,157
and around things
that don't talk or annoy me.
155
00:05:50,162 --> 00:05:52,212
I feel as reclusive
as Richard Simmons.
156
00:05:52,208 --> 00:05:53,878
Although if anybody
ever knocked on my door
157
00:05:53,878 --> 00:05:55,548
hoping to make a podcast
about where I was,
158
00:05:55,548 --> 00:05:57,178
I beat him within
an inch of his life.
159
00:05:57,176 --> 00:05:59,096
Why so hostile.
160
00:05:59,096 --> 00:06:00,726
♪ ♪
161
00:06:00,725 --> 00:06:04,475
Man ain't got no breasts!
Man got a penis!
162
00:06:04,482 --> 00:06:07,032
The perverted
homosexual spirit
163
00:06:07,029 --> 00:06:09,409
is a cancer on society!
164
00:06:09,408 --> 00:06:12,288
Michael Jackson died
'cause he's gay!
165
00:06:12,289 --> 00:06:14,209
You, sir, are full of hate.
166
00:06:14,210 --> 00:06:16,510
Prepare to be drowned out.
167
00:06:16,507 --> 00:06:19,467
♪ June is busting out
all over ♪
168
00:06:19,470 --> 00:06:22,730
Oh, Lord,
please save this man.
169
00:06:22,727 --> 00:06:25,187
[vocalizing]
170
00:06:25,190 --> 00:06:27,490
My God, it's like
his singing is harmonizing
171
00:06:27,486 --> 00:06:29,406
with that homophobe's
point of view.
172
00:06:29,407 --> 00:06:30,907
♪ Hey ♪
173
00:06:30,910 --> 00:06:33,040
Hey, that song belongs
to Leslie Uggams.
174
00:06:33,039 --> 00:06:34,999
Stop racially
appropriating it.
175
00:06:35,002 --> 00:06:36,882
You are ruining our world!
Hey, hey, ho, ho!
176
00:06:36,880 --> 00:06:38,880
You are a sinner!
Appropriation has got to go!
177
00:06:38,884 --> 00:06:42,224
[overlapping shouting
and singing]
178
00:06:42,224 --> 00:06:46,154
Ladies and gentlemen!
179
00:06:46,149 --> 00:06:48,109
I am a performance artist.
180
00:06:48,111 --> 00:06:50,741
I will now be unleashing
this box of crickets
181
00:06:50,742 --> 00:06:53,542
to videotape your reaction.
182
00:06:53,539 --> 00:06:55,419
[all screaming]
183
00:06:55,417 --> 00:06:57,797
Oh, my God!
Jesus fucking Christ!
184
00:06:57,797 --> 00:06:59,467
[screaming]
185
00:06:59,467 --> 00:07:02,307
I am so fucking over New York!
186
00:07:02,306 --> 00:07:03,806
And then after the crickets,
187
00:07:03,809 --> 00:07:05,859
someone pulled
the emergency brake.
188
00:07:05,855 --> 00:07:07,895
Why are you smiling?
Did you find pot?
189
00:07:07,901 --> 00:07:10,161
I think this is just what
I look like when I'm happy.
190
00:07:10,155 --> 00:07:11,525
So I take it
the audition went well?
191
00:07:11,533 --> 00:07:13,043
Oh, I blew it off.
192
00:07:13,036 --> 00:07:14,746
But you were
so excited about it.
193
00:07:14,748 --> 00:07:16,078
You were gonna be
the Progressive customer
194
00:07:16,084 --> 00:07:18,134
who makes Flo cry.
195
00:07:18,129 --> 00:07:20,929
I know, but then I got really
into embroidering these amulets.
196
00:07:20,927 --> 00:07:23,177
Julie, what the fuck
is happening?
197
00:07:23,181 --> 00:07:25,731
That student film
made me realize something
198
00:07:25,728 --> 00:07:27,768
that the world's
been trying to tell me.
199
00:07:27,774 --> 00:07:29,864
I'm not very good.
200
00:07:29,861 --> 00:07:31,661
And we don't need
another C‐plus actress.
201
00:07:31,657 --> 00:07:33,277
We have Lea Thompson.
202
00:07:33,284 --> 00:07:35,124
So you're gonna give up
your chance
203
00:07:35,122 --> 00:07:36,792
to snap Flo's headband
in order to become who?
204
00:07:36,792 --> 00:07:38,382
Etsy Ross?
205
00:07:38,378 --> 00:07:40,418
Etsy Ross Matthews.
Is that something?
206
00:07:40,423 --> 00:07:43,643
Nope. I spent this whole year
trying to be happy and famous,
207
00:07:43,639 --> 00:07:46,309
and now I realize,
it's a choice.
208
00:07:46,310 --> 00:07:48,570
Since I've given up
on being famous,
209
00:07:48,566 --> 00:07:50,396
I've never felt happier.
210
00:07:50,402 --> 00:07:53,912
Well, as long as we are
pondering the imponderable,
211
00:07:53,909 --> 00:07:55,909
I am officially over New York.
212
00:07:55,913 --> 00:07:57,833
Every New Yorker is.
213
00:07:57,834 --> 00:07:59,504
That's what we say when
we have to talk to each other.
214
00:07:59,503 --> 00:08:01,263
No, I mean it.
I am over it, over it.
215
00:08:01,257 --> 00:08:03,217
On my way here,
I had to walk around two rats
216
00:08:03,219 --> 00:08:06,019
who were fucking and eating
a pigeon at the same time.
217
00:08:06,017 --> 00:08:08,897
You gotta love The Big Apple
and our multitasking vermin.
218
00:08:08,898 --> 00:08:12,068
Julie.
219
00:08:12,070 --> 00:08:14,830
It's 78 degrees in L. A. today.
220
00:08:14,826 --> 00:08:16,906
But it's L. A.
221
00:08:16,914 --> 00:08:19,924
Bottle episode,
I did it.
222
00:08:19,920 --> 00:08:21,630
I was listening
to another voicemail
223
00:08:21,632 --> 00:08:23,592
about how Tavis Smiley
should change his name
224
00:08:23,594 --> 00:08:27,354
to Tavis Frowney, when I left
Gaby a voicemail of my own.
225
00:08:27,351 --> 00:08:31,651
I quit PBS!
You did what?
226
00:08:33,238 --> 00:08:35,158
Well, careful, Blythe,
don't eat too much
227
00:08:35,158 --> 00:08:36,658
before the ayahuasca ceremony,
just enough to throw up
228
00:08:36,662 --> 00:08:38,042
the contents of your stomach.
229
00:08:38,039 --> 00:08:39,119
At this point,
I'd make a joke
230
00:08:39,124 --> 00:08:40,754
about a skinny celebrity,
231
00:08:40,753 --> 00:08:42,593
but I'm not allowed
to do that anymore.
232
00:08:42,590 --> 00:08:44,430
I just think we women
should support each other.
233
00:08:44,426 --> 00:08:46,346
Yeah, but tell that to
the trans‐exclusionary radical
234
00:08:46,347 --> 00:08:49,057
feminists no‐better‐than‐
Christian‐right motherfuckers.
235
00:08:49,061 --> 00:08:51,981
I say with love.
I'll go get the ayahuasca.
236
00:08:51,984 --> 00:08:53,444
You girls all good
on sweet tea?
237
00:08:53,444 --> 00:08:55,954
Mm‐hmm.
Yeah.
238
00:08:55,950 --> 00:08:59,420
Hello. Well, who's
ready to see the greatest
239
00:08:59,415 --> 00:09:02,165
Yeshiva Flatbush graduate
since the guy who sold
240
00:09:02,170 --> 00:09:04,010
those junk bonds
to my sister Bonnie
241
00:09:04,008 --> 00:09:06,848
and then he retired in Cabo
with all her money?
242
00:09:06,847 --> 00:09:09,227
Hi, Marilyn. Thank you
for the tickets, by the way.
243
00:09:09,226 --> 00:09:11,976
Arthur, how are you?
Oh, I've never felt more free.
244
00:09:11,982 --> 00:09:13,572
I should have quit
that job a long time ago.
245
00:09:13,569 --> 00:09:15,109
You mean the job
they fired you from
246
00:09:15,113 --> 00:09:16,533
because of your drinking?
247
00:09:16,533 --> 00:09:18,333
Either way,
you're unemployed.
248
00:09:18,328 --> 00:09:19,958
Julie, I'm setting your Jdate
profile to public.
249
00:09:19,956 --> 00:09:22,206
Yes, I made you
a Jdate profile.
250
00:09:22,210 --> 00:09:24,590
I got our supplies
for lift‐off.
251
00:09:24,591 --> 00:09:27,971
There's buckets for vomiting,
yoga mats for lounging,
252
00:09:27,972 --> 00:09:30,022
palm fronds for waving.
253
00:09:30,018 --> 00:09:32,268
And, Wendy, I got you
a ThunderShirt
254
00:09:32,272 --> 00:09:34,192
in case you freak out again.
255
00:09:34,193 --> 00:09:36,913
Ooh, sweet tea.
256
00:09:43,629 --> 00:09:45,089
Mm.
257
00:09:45,090 --> 00:09:48,300
Does this sweet tea
taste funny?
258
00:09:48,304 --> 00:09:52,564
Is something wrong
with that sweet tea?
259
00:09:52,563 --> 00:09:54,943
That's the weirdest tea
I ever tasted.
260
00:09:54,943 --> 00:09:57,493
What is that taste?
Yeah.
261
00:09:57,489 --> 00:09:59,539
I want to say lemon?
262
00:09:59,536 --> 00:10:01,326
BOTH: Hmm.
263
00:10:01,330 --> 00:10:03,420
Uh‐uh.
It's definitely not lemon.
264
00:10:03,418 --> 00:10:05,668
It's like persimmon,
but the finish is smoky.
265
00:10:05,673 --> 00:10:09,723
Okay, you are all so dumb.
Let me see.
266
00:10:09,723 --> 00:10:10,983
Chamomile.
267
00:10:10,975 --> 00:10:12,555
Chamomile?
Yes.
268
00:10:12,562 --> 00:10:14,442
I don't think
that's chamomile.
269
00:10:14,440 --> 00:10:16,530
It's too tart for chamomile.
Oh, no, she's right.
270
00:10:16,528 --> 00:10:17,818
It's chamomile.
Thank you.
271
00:10:17,822 --> 00:10:19,872
Really?
It's chamomile.
272
00:10:19,868 --> 00:10:22,158
I guess that's chamomile.
That might be chamomile.
273
00:10:22,164 --> 00:10:23,714
Yeah, for sure.
It's chamomile.
274
00:10:23,709 --> 00:10:25,799
Now I can taste it.
It's chamomile.
275
00:10:25,796 --> 00:10:27,926
I know my chamomile.
276
00:10:27,925 --> 00:10:29,925
You are correct.
It is chamomile, Marilyn.
277
00:10:29,929 --> 00:10:32,519
Of course I am, Arthur.
Chamomile.
278
00:10:32,518 --> 00:10:35,148
Chamomile.
Okay, I can taste it now.
279
00:10:37,402 --> 00:10:42,502
I know because
I love chamomile.
280
00:10:42,496 --> 00:10:44,286
Has anyone
seen my pitcher?
281
00:10:44,291 --> 00:10:47,051
Oh, the chamomile tea.
We just drank it.
282
00:10:47,047 --> 00:10:48,547
Could we make you
another pitcher?
283
00:10:48,550 --> 00:10:50,810
No! No, you can't,
you fuckos!
284
00:10:50,805 --> 00:10:52,805
That was ayahuasca.
285
00:10:55,230 --> 00:10:56,610
Wait a minute.
What is ayahuasca?
286
00:10:56,608 --> 00:10:58,028
It's expensive,
is what it is.
287
00:10:58,027 --> 00:11:00,567
You dicklicks owe us $1,100.
288
00:11:00,574 --> 00:11:02,874
Come on, girls, let's go.
289
00:11:02,870 --> 00:11:05,580
Somebody call 911.
They gotta pump our stomachs.
290
00:11:05,584 --> 00:11:07,594
No, no, no,
do not call the cops.
291
00:11:07,588 --> 00:11:09,468
I have jerked off to enough
episodes of "Locked Up Abroad"
292
00:11:09,466 --> 00:11:10,966
to know that if you call
the cops to report an overdose,
293
00:11:10,970 --> 00:11:12,430
they're just gonna
come and arrest us
294
00:11:12,430 --> 00:11:14,060
for having illegal drugs.
295
00:11:14,059 --> 00:11:15,269
Yes, officer,
there are five of us.
296
00:11:15,270 --> 00:11:16,980
We've all taken ayahuasca.
297
00:11:16,982 --> 00:11:18,822
I'll describe
my daughter first.
298
00:11:18,819 --> 00:11:20,699
Did you ever see the nosy
neighbor in "Small Wonder"?
299
00:11:20,698 --> 00:11:22,278
Well, picture her today
40 years old
300
00:11:22,284 --> 00:11:23,834
with a spotty sexual past.
301
00:11:23,829 --> 00:11:25,789
Hi, I'm sorry.
I'm a crazy old woman.
302
00:11:25,791 --> 00:11:27,711
I dialed the wrong number.
Mayor Bloomberg, Trump Tower.
303
00:11:27,712 --> 00:11:29,382
Good‐bye.
Okay, okay.
304
00:11:29,381 --> 00:11:31,181
I found a step‐by‐step guide
to ayahuasca
305
00:11:31,176 --> 00:11:33,926
on Miley Cyrus' fan page.
306
00:11:33,932 --> 00:11:36,312
Step one, small waves
of euphoria.
307
00:11:36,312 --> 00:11:38,902
All right, well,
that's exactly how I feel
308
00:11:38,901 --> 00:11:40,861
every time I see the ending
of "Prince of Tides"
309
00:11:40,863 --> 00:11:42,453
or when I look in a mirror.
310
00:11:42,449 --> 00:11:45,119
Step two,
violent constant vomiting.
311
00:11:45,121 --> 00:11:46,791
Okay.
BOTH: "Smash" season two.
312
00:11:46,791 --> 00:11:48,341
Step three, anxiety,
313
00:11:48,336 --> 00:11:50,086
but that only lasts
about 15 minutes.
314
00:11:50,089 --> 00:11:51,799
Like the pre‐show jitters.
315
00:11:51,801 --> 00:11:53,511
Okay, I'll just do
the breathing exercises
316
00:11:53,513 --> 00:11:55,603
that Michael Feinstein
taught me to do
317
00:11:55,601 --> 00:11:57,771
for when my mouth is full but
someone's plugging my nostrils.
318
00:11:57,772 --> 00:11:59,982
And finally,
eight to ten hours
319
00:11:59,984 --> 00:12:02,534
of emotional,
revelatory hallucinations
320
00:12:02,531 --> 00:12:06,001
that confront you
with your deepest inner truth.
321
00:12:05,996 --> 00:12:08,246
ALL: Oh, shit!
322
00:12:10,213 --> 00:12:12,223
So now we get
to go see "Chicago."
323
00:12:12,217 --> 00:12:14,177
I am not downgrading
from ayahuasca to watching
324
00:12:14,179 --> 00:12:16,519
some washed‐up TV actress
sing "All That Jazz."
325
00:12:16,518 --> 00:12:17,978
Sisters, I don't feel right
leaving them alone
326
00:12:17,979 --> 00:12:19,609
to trip without a guide.
327
00:12:19,607 --> 00:12:21,487
It doesn't seem very
Sigma Delta Burka.
328
00:12:21,485 --> 00:12:23,905
I will not play shaman
to those fucking assholes.
329
00:12:23,907 --> 00:12:25,947
They stole our drugs.
Ritual medicine.
330
00:12:25,953 --> 00:12:27,543
We can start them
on their journey.
331
00:12:27,540 --> 00:12:29,290
Once we know they'll
be fine, we'll go.
332
00:12:29,292 --> 00:12:31,512
Never forget
the Sigma Delta Burka pledge.
333
00:12:31,505 --> 00:12:34,215
ALL: Always help others
and never go on CNN
334
00:12:34,219 --> 00:12:35,759
to discuss Caitlyn Jenner.
335
00:12:35,764 --> 00:12:37,984
Fine, okay.
Let's go back.
336
00:12:37,977 --> 00:12:40,937
[rock music]
337
00:12:42,695 --> 00:12:45,485
Breathe in and breathe out.
338
00:12:45,491 --> 00:12:46,871
[groans]
339
00:12:46,870 --> 00:12:50,040
This is now a sacred space.
340
00:12:50,043 --> 00:12:53,093
[retches]
341
00:12:53,090 --> 00:12:54,890
Begging pardons.
342
00:12:54,886 --> 00:12:57,016
[retches]
343
00:12:57,015 --> 00:12:58,225
Just let it go.
344
00:12:58,225 --> 00:13:01,605
[chanting]
345
00:13:01,608 --> 00:13:04,608
[all chanting]
346
00:13:04,614 --> 00:13:07,084
[phone rings]
347
00:13:07,077 --> 00:13:11,497
MAN: You have
10,704 new messages.
348
00:13:11,502 --> 00:13:13,302
MAN: Why did you stop
making "Mr. Selfridge"?
349
00:13:13,297 --> 00:13:14,927
We need closure.
350
00:13:14,926 --> 00:13:17,806
WOMAN: And come on, Arthur.
Jupiter, Florida?
351
00:13:17,807 --> 00:13:20,057
MAN: What happened
to your hopes and dreams?
352
00:13:20,061 --> 00:13:21,771
WOMAN:
Why do you bother, Arthur?
353
00:13:21,773 --> 00:13:23,693
MAN: Why do you Arthur bother?
354
00:13:23,693 --> 00:13:26,703
[Kenny Rogers"Just Dropped in" begins]
355
00:13:26,699 --> 00:13:31,079
♪ ♪
356
00:13:31,083 --> 00:13:33,383
ROGERS:
♪ Yeah, yeah, oh yeah ♪
357
00:13:33,379 --> 00:13:39,059
♪ What condition
my condition was in ♪
358
00:13:39,057 --> 00:13:40,847
♪ I woke up this morning ♪
359
00:13:40,853 --> 00:13:44,533
♪ With the sundown shining in ♪
360
00:13:46,865 --> 00:13:52,245
♪ I found my mind
in a brown paper bag within ♪
361
00:13:55,632 --> 00:13:59,642
♪ I tripped on a cloud
and fell‐a eight miles high ♪
362
00:13:59,640 --> 00:14:04,070
♪ I tore my mind
on a jagged sky ♪
363
00:14:04,065 --> 00:14:07,445
♪ I just dropped in
to see what condition... ♪
364
00:14:07,447 --> 00:14:10,287
Noodles, we're in that movie
you made me watch.
365
00:14:10,286 --> 00:14:12,246
Shh.
You're ruining it.
366
00:14:12,248 --> 00:14:13,788
Like so many other dudes
have done
367
00:14:13,793 --> 00:14:15,213
over the years by quoting it.
368
00:14:15,212 --> 00:14:17,222
ROGERS: ♪ Was in ♪
369
00:14:17,216 --> 00:14:22,646
♪ ♪
370
00:14:22,645 --> 00:14:26,145
♪ I pushed my soul
in a deep dark hole ♪
371
00:14:26,151 --> 00:14:28,991
♪ And then I followed it in ♪
372
00:14:30,994 --> 00:14:34,634
♪ I watched myself
crawling out as I was... ♪
373
00:14:34,627 --> 00:14:36,587
Are you taking control
of my trip?
374
00:14:36,589 --> 00:14:39,259
I'm the destination.
375
00:14:39,260 --> 00:14:42,890
ROGERS: ♪ I got up so tight
I couldn't unwind... ♪
376
00:14:42,893 --> 00:14:45,063
My job doesn't matter.
377
00:14:45,064 --> 00:14:47,954
I do it to take care of you.
378
00:14:47,945 --> 00:14:49,985
[retching]
379
00:14:49,991 --> 00:14:53,121
Enough about "Chicago"
all right?
380
00:14:53,122 --> 00:14:55,212
It's never gonna close.
You can see it anytime.
381
00:14:55,209 --> 00:14:57,879
That's easy for you to say.
You live here.
382
00:14:57,881 --> 00:14:59,801
I suggested "Chicago"
months ago.
383
00:14:59,802 --> 00:15:01,972
Do you guys even read
my emails?
384
00:15:01,973 --> 00:15:03,603
Wendy, nobody reads
your emails.
385
00:15:03,601 --> 00:15:06,691
They're too long.
Way too long.
386
00:15:06,691 --> 00:15:08,901
I don't need
your cat recipes.
387
00:15:08,903 --> 00:15:12,243
[sobbing]
388
00:15:12,243 --> 00:15:14,043
This lady's burning up.
389
00:15:14,039 --> 00:15:18,169
[sobbing]
390
00:15:18,172 --> 00:15:21,142
[tribal music]
391
00:15:21,136 --> 00:15:28,146
♪ ♪
392
00:15:31,448 --> 00:15:34,038
[classical music plays]
393
00:15:34,037 --> 00:15:36,457
Marilyn, Marilyn, Marilyn,
394
00:15:36,458 --> 00:15:38,248
you are you.
395
00:15:38,253 --> 00:15:40,423
♪ ♪
396
00:15:40,424 --> 00:15:45,184
Anything catch your eye,
Marilyn?
397
00:15:45,184 --> 00:15:48,364
There's nothing here.
I don't know what to do.
398
00:15:48,357 --> 00:15:50,067
But you're Marilyn.
399
00:15:50,069 --> 00:15:53,279
Just bring Marilyn
to everything you Marilyn.
400
00:15:53,283 --> 00:15:58,923
♪ ♪
401
00:15:58,920 --> 00:16:00,630
Marilyn.
402
00:16:00,632 --> 00:16:04,562
♪ ♪
403
00:16:04,557 --> 00:16:07,937
Thank Marilyn
you wrote this Marilyn.
404
00:16:07,938 --> 00:16:10,068
♪ ♪
405
00:16:10,067 --> 00:16:12,027
Marilyn had writer's block
406
00:16:12,029 --> 00:16:14,699
till Marilyn remembered
she's Marilyn.
407
00:16:19,920 --> 00:16:22,630
Thank you, Marilyn.
408
00:16:22,634 --> 00:16:25,644
[playing discordant notes]
409
00:16:25,640 --> 00:16:28,350
♪ ♪
410
00:16:28,353 --> 00:16:31,233
♪ Marilyn ♪
411
00:16:31,234 --> 00:16:33,034
♪ Marilyn is Marilyn ♪
412
00:16:33,030 --> 00:16:34,700
♪ Marilyn is Marilyn ♪
413
00:16:34,700 --> 00:16:36,160
♪ Marilyn is Marilyn ♪
414
00:16:36,161 --> 00:16:37,961
♪ Marilyn is Marilyn ♪
415
00:16:37,956 --> 00:16:40,496
♪ Hey‐ay ♪
416
00:16:40,502 --> 00:16:41,712
♪ Marilyn ♪
417
00:16:41,714 --> 00:16:43,554
[laughing]
418
00:16:43,551 --> 00:16:46,931
[sobbing]
419
00:16:46,933 --> 00:16:48,563
[laughing]
420
00:16:48,561 --> 00:16:50,651
I'm just saying,
there are edgier shows
421
00:16:50,649 --> 00:16:52,109
on Broadway than "Chicago."
422
00:16:52,109 --> 00:16:53,739
Don't be a snob.
423
00:16:53,738 --> 00:16:55,778
Oh, Matthew's going in deep.
424
00:16:55,784 --> 00:16:58,294
Hi.
Really deep.
425
00:16:58,288 --> 00:17:01,668
Oh, hi.
426
00:17:01,671 --> 00:17:04,681
[orchestral music]
427
00:17:04,677 --> 00:17:11,687
♪ ♪
428
00:17:20,374 --> 00:17:22,344
[all retching]
429
00:17:24,550 --> 00:17:27,720
I spend all year
around these people I hate.
430
00:17:27,723 --> 00:17:29,603
This is the one weekend
I actually look forward to,
431
00:17:29,601 --> 00:17:31,441
'cause you bitches
mean something to me.
432
00:17:31,438 --> 00:17:33,148
Aww, Lo.
433
00:17:33,150 --> 00:17:35,780
So if seeing "Chicago"
means that much to you,
434
00:17:35,780 --> 00:17:38,700
let's go see it.
I don't wanna fight.
435
00:17:38,703 --> 00:17:39,913
[all cheering]
436
00:17:39,913 --> 00:17:42,043
I love you, girls.
437
00:17:42,043 --> 00:17:43,503
ALL: Awww.
438
00:17:43,503 --> 00:17:45,053
The following was filmed
439
00:17:45,049 --> 00:17:47,139
in front of
a live studio audience.
440
00:17:47,136 --> 00:17:49,096
MALE ANNOUNCER: On May 18th,
441
00:17:49,098 --> 00:17:51,598
Billy Epstein was asked
to remove himself
442
00:17:51,604 --> 00:17:53,654
from his place of residence.
443
00:17:53,650 --> 00:17:58,450
That request came from
Northwestern University.
444
00:17:58,450 --> 00:18:00,500
With nowhere else to go,
445
00:18:00,496 --> 00:18:03,706
he appeared at the home
of New York City.
446
00:18:03,711 --> 00:18:06,301
Whoa‐oh‐oh!
What's up, roomie?
447
00:18:06,299 --> 00:18:08,099
Put it there, buddy.
448
00:18:08,095 --> 00:18:10,305
ANNOUNCER: Can one gay man
live with New York City
449
00:18:10,307 --> 00:18:13,517
without driving
each other crazy?
450
00:18:13,523 --> 00:18:14,943
[audience applauds]
451
00:18:14,942 --> 00:18:16,702
[women moaning on TV]
452
00:18:16,696 --> 00:18:19,236
Mm, that's good.
That's good and that's good.
453
00:18:19,242 --> 00:18:22,332
[audience chuckles]
New York, get off my bed.
454
00:18:22,331 --> 00:18:24,591
Where else am I gonna whack it
to cream pie videos
455
00:18:24,586 --> 00:18:26,296
and eat mozzarella sticks, huh?
456
00:18:26,297 --> 00:18:27,927
These cost, like, 78 bucks.
457
00:18:27,926 --> 00:18:30,056
No really,
I just worked a double shift.
458
00:18:30,055 --> 00:18:31,725
I need to take a nap.
459
00:18:31,726 --> 00:18:34,306
Um, Billy, maybe you
didn't get the memo.
460
00:18:34,313 --> 00:18:37,243
I'm the city
that never sleeps.
461
00:18:37,236 --> 00:18:38,866
Well, could you also be
the city that takes a shower?
462
00:18:38,865 --> 00:18:41,995
What is that smell?
Rat cum.
463
00:18:41,996 --> 00:18:45,206
Look, we've had
some good times,
464
00:18:45,210 --> 00:18:48,180
and I will always love you,
but I need some space.
465
00:18:48,175 --> 00:18:50,595
Space?
Okay, let's go to Central Park.
466
00:18:50,597 --> 00:18:53,637
Come on, there will be like
87,000 tourists there.
467
00:18:53,644 --> 00:18:54,734
Someone will throw
a football at your head.
468
00:18:54,730 --> 00:18:56,400
It's a given.
469
00:18:56,399 --> 00:18:58,239
Oh, how 'bout we go
to the movie theater?
470
00:18:58,236 --> 00:18:59,906
You know, the one
with the bedbugs?
471
00:18:59,907 --> 00:19:01,367
Oh wait, they all have
bedbugs. Open.
472
00:19:01,367 --> 00:19:03,367
Open.
There you go.
473
00:19:03,371 --> 00:19:04,921
[muffled screaming]
474
00:19:04,917 --> 00:19:07,797
[laughs]
[muffled screaming]
475
00:19:07,798 --> 00:19:09,638
Would this be
the wrong time to tell you
476
00:19:09,635 --> 00:19:11,465
that our rent just went up?
477
00:19:11,471 --> 00:19:12,681
Ugh!
478
00:19:12,682 --> 00:19:15,482
Julie!
Oh, thank God.
479
00:19:15,479 --> 00:19:17,649
I was stuck in a re‐reboot
of "The Odd Couple."
480
00:19:17,651 --> 00:19:19,451
It was a nightmare.
481
00:19:19,445 --> 00:19:21,615
I mean, not as bad
as the Matthew Perry thing,
482
00:19:21,617 --> 00:19:23,697
but, wait,
why are you in my trip?
483
00:19:23,704 --> 00:19:25,424
I actually think
you're in mine,
484
00:19:25,415 --> 00:19:27,455
because I definitely
don't own this dress.
485
00:19:27,461 --> 00:19:30,511
Cool!
We're tripping together.
486
00:19:30,510 --> 00:19:34,350
[drum roll]
487
00:19:34,350 --> 00:19:37,440
♪ Julie ♪
488
00:19:37,439 --> 00:19:42,409
♪ Isn't it nice making mice
out of velvet and wire ♪
489
00:19:42,408 --> 00:19:47,588
♪ Just throw all my dreams
in the fire ♪
490
00:19:47,586 --> 00:19:51,966
♪ Julie,
for once I'm not stressed ♪
491
00:19:51,969 --> 00:19:55,889
♪ See it's just me and Etsy,
don't spoil it ♪
492
00:19:55,894 --> 00:20:00,824
♪ Flush my career
down the toilet ♪
493
00:20:00,820 --> 00:20:03,240
♪ Think of the
Whos down in Whoville ♪
494
00:20:03,241 --> 00:20:05,831
♪ All happy and singing ♪
495
00:20:05,830 --> 00:20:09,170
♪ I'm thinking
of grasping and clinging ♪
496
00:20:09,170 --> 00:20:13,640
BOTH: ♪ Maybe it's just
who I am ♪
497
00:20:13,638 --> 00:20:15,558
♪ What's a life ♪
498
00:20:15,558 --> 00:20:18,768
♪ Without pushing
and clawing and striving ♪
499
00:20:18,773 --> 00:20:21,953
♪ Come on Julie,
you're barely surviving ♪
500
00:20:21,946 --> 00:20:27,156
♪ On your way but you're
never arriving ♪
501
00:20:27,164 --> 00:20:28,924
♪ What a waste ♪
502
00:20:28,918 --> 00:20:32,218
♪ All those improv
and open mic hours ♪
503
00:20:32,216 --> 00:20:35,716
♪ You mean crying and
screaming and showers ♪
504
00:20:35,723 --> 00:20:38,193
♪ Well it's better
than macramé hammocks ♪
505
00:20:38,186 --> 00:20:42,696
♪ And pipe cleaner flowers ♪
506
00:20:42,696 --> 00:20:45,906
♪ Julie ♪
507
00:20:45,910 --> 00:20:48,160
♪ God never sends us
a challenge ♪
508
00:20:48,164 --> 00:20:50,804
♪ He thinks we can't handle ♪
509
00:20:50,795 --> 00:20:55,885
♪ Oh go fuck
a nice scented candle ♪
510
00:20:55,888 --> 00:20:57,428
♪ Julie ♪
511
00:20:57,433 --> 00:21:00,113
[screaming]
512
00:21:06,535 --> 00:21:09,825
Die!
Die, you dumb, happy bitch!
513
00:21:13,006 --> 00:21:15,386
I am so glad we
unintentionally did ayahuasca.
514
00:21:15,385 --> 00:21:18,595
Yeah, I learned
so much about myself.
515
00:21:18,601 --> 00:21:21,441
Me too.
BOTH: Shut up, Matthew.
516
00:21:21,439 --> 00:21:24,199
Are you still thinking
about moving to L. A.?
517
00:21:24,195 --> 00:21:26,655
Why?
Do you think I should?
518
00:21:26,658 --> 00:21:28,948
I can't answer that.
That has to be your choice.
519
00:21:28,954 --> 00:21:30,754
Are you still thinking about
giving up show business
520
00:21:30,750 --> 00:21:32,090
to keep crafting?
521
00:21:32,086 --> 00:21:33,586
Does that sound dumb?
522
00:21:33,589 --> 00:21:35,469
I can't answer that.
523
00:21:35,467 --> 00:21:37,807
It has to be your choice.
524
00:21:37,806 --> 00:21:41,396
Okay, let's both answer
at the same time.
525
00:21:41,395 --> 00:21:44,485
Am I going to craft
and be happy
526
00:21:44,485 --> 00:21:47,195
or stay miserable
pursuing a comedy career?
527
00:21:47,199 --> 00:21:49,959
And I actually gonna
go to L. A. and leave New York?
528
00:21:49,955 --> 00:21:52,785
One, two, three.
529
00:21:52,794 --> 00:21:56,304
I'm gonna leave.
I'm gonna stay.
530
00:21:56,300 --> 00:21:58,850
I'm just scared to find out
what would happen to me
531
00:21:58,848 --> 00:22:01,268
if I actually became happy.
And I'm scared to find out
532
00:22:01,269 --> 00:22:03,649
what would happen to me
if I didn't leave New York.
533
00:22:03,649 --> 00:22:07,869
Okay, let's get you
an apartment in L. A.
534
00:22:07,866 --> 00:22:09,826
Let's go get you
that audition back.
535
00:22:09,828 --> 00:22:11,668
[upbeat rock music]
536
00:22:11,665 --> 00:22:15,165
Am I the only one
who's so horny?
537
00:22:15,172 --> 00:22:18,552
♪ ♪
538
00:22:18,554 --> 00:22:22,854
BOTH: I think it's worn off.
539
00:22:24,398 --> 00:22:27,068
I need to erase that
voicemail so I can un‐quit.
540
00:22:27,070 --> 00:22:28,870
Who cares?
541
00:22:28,866 --> 00:22:31,746
I need to write the greatest
book ever written.
542
00:22:31,747 --> 00:22:33,457
And forget to drink
plenty of fluids
543
00:22:33,458 --> 00:22:36,048
and take folic acid,
and go see "Chicago."
544
00:22:36,047 --> 00:22:37,757
Turns out it's still
running for a reason.
545
00:22:37,759 --> 00:22:39,759
You know, we learned
more about ourselves
546
00:22:39,763 --> 00:22:41,733
watching Patrick Warburton sing
"All I Care About is Love"
547
00:22:41,725 --> 00:22:43,185
than we ever would have
tripping our tits off
548
00:22:43,186 --> 00:22:45,976
some Peruvian herb.
549
00:22:45,983 --> 00:22:48,993
[cheerful music]
550
00:22:48,989 --> 00:22:56,089
♪ ♪
551
00:22:56,087 --> 00:22:58,627
Thank you for
letting me come back.
552
00:22:58,634 --> 00:23:01,354
I missed this audition
yesterday because, well,
553
00:23:01,347 --> 00:23:03,687
I've been trying
for a long time to get happy,
554
00:23:03,686 --> 00:23:05,306
and I've tried everything:
555
00:23:05,313 --> 00:23:08,323
medication, meditation,
facial filler.
556
00:23:08,319 --> 00:23:10,319
But the one thing that worked
was giving up
557
00:23:10,323 --> 00:23:12,833
on the only thing I've always
known I've wanted to do.
558
00:23:12,829 --> 00:23:15,499
Look, I may not be
a great performer,
559
00:23:15,500 --> 00:23:17,050
and because I do comedy,
560
00:23:17,045 --> 00:23:19,465
I will always be
on the misery spectrum,
561
00:23:19,466 --> 00:23:23,346
but this is what I do,
and this is who I am.
562
00:23:23,349 --> 00:23:25,899
I am an unhappy person,
563
00:23:25,896 --> 00:23:29,566
but the alternative is
being somebody I don't know,
564
00:23:29,571 --> 00:23:32,371
and that is terrifying.
565
00:23:32,367 --> 00:23:34,367
So I made a decision.
566
00:23:34,371 --> 00:23:38,381
I am happy to be unhappy.
Thank you.
567
00:23:41,218 --> 00:23:45,388
This isn't a casting office,
is it?
568
00:23:45,393 --> 00:23:49,153
You're back, Marilyn.
You are back.
569
00:23:54,244 --> 00:23:56,634
All right,
stay in the flow.
570
00:23:56,625 --> 00:23:59,545
♪ Marilyn, Marilyn,
Marilyn, Marilyn ♪
571
00:24:01,175 --> 00:24:03,135
Maybe I should have a treat.
572
00:24:03,137 --> 00:24:04,967
I deserve an ice cube.
573
00:24:04,974 --> 00:24:07,734
Then I'll get this done.
574
00:24:13,491 --> 00:24:15,581
WOMAN: Friday, 3:55 P. M.
575
00:24:15,579 --> 00:24:17,579
MAN: I hate Charlie Rose's
new hair part.
576
00:24:17,583 --> 00:24:19,963
It's too rock and roll.
Change it back!
577
00:24:19,963 --> 00:24:22,553
WOMAN: Next message.
Friday, 3:56 P. M.
578
00:24:22,552 --> 00:24:24,392
ARTHUR: Gaby, it's Arthur.
You want voicemail?
579
00:24:24,388 --> 00:24:27,138
Here's a fucking voicemail.
I quit, you goddamn‐‐
580
00:24:29,816 --> 00:24:32,696
ROGERS: ♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
581
00:24:32,697 --> 00:24:35,697
♪ Oh yeah ♪
582
00:24:40,838 --> 00:24:43,008
Arrivederci, crafty Julie.
583
00:24:43,009 --> 00:24:45,099
Rinsed off too many
garbage can chocolate bars
584
00:24:45,096 --> 00:24:46,846
to know what I can't keep
in my house.
585
00:24:46,850 --> 00:24:48,850
Well, let's hurry this up.
586
00:24:48,854 --> 00:24:50,694
This block is bringing back
too many sweet New York Memories
587
00:24:50,691 --> 00:24:53,111
of all the anonymous sex
I've had behind this dumpster.
588
00:24:53,112 --> 00:24:54,952
How's your L. A.
apartment search going?
589
00:24:54,949 --> 00:24:56,949
Ugh, I can't search
until I get approval
590
00:24:56,953 --> 00:24:59,543
from one of these
L. A. apartment listing websites.
591
00:24:59,542 --> 00:25:01,712
I had to send them a link
to my IMDB page,
592
00:25:01,713 --> 00:25:04,683
plus seven references, including
two from Scientologists.
593
00:25:04,677 --> 00:25:07,267
Well, I could fake
Juliette Lewis's signature.
594
00:25:07,265 --> 00:25:09,685
I just need three muscle
relaxers and a crayon.
595
00:25:09,687 --> 00:25:11,687
MAN: Oh!
596
00:25:11,691 --> 00:25:14,111
♪ Thought it'd be easy ♪
597
00:25:14,112 --> 00:25:16,702
♪ Thought they didn't know ♪
598
00:25:16,701 --> 00:25:20,541
♪ You thought it was
the only way to go ♪
599
00:25:20,543 --> 00:25:21,843
♪ ♪
600
00:25:21,836 --> 00:25:24,376
♪ Another way out ♪
601
00:25:24,383 --> 00:25:27,143
♪ Found on the way home ♪
602
00:25:27,138 --> 00:25:28,638
♪ Thought you were living fast ♪
603
00:25:28,642 --> 00:25:31,692
♪ But you were living slow ♪
604
00:25:31,690 --> 00:25:38,700
♪ ♪
605
00:25:46,218 --> 00:25:49,178
WOMAN: La la la.
Oh, my God.
44979
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