Original subtitles

Can I get a diet coke?

Can I get a smile? Excuse me?

Life's not so bad. You should smile.

She doesn't have to take any orders from you.

Yeah, how does it feel to be on the wrong side

of the war against women? Fuck you!

Fuck you! Get outta here.

No diet Coke. How 'bout that? Oh, please.

Like you're the only diet Coke in the city?

We'll get our own. Thanks very much.

There's diet Coke everywhere here, asshole.

Fuck you. Fuck you!

Fucking disgusting dirty pretzels.

Why do men think it's okay

to tell women they've never even met to smile?

If that Lyft driver hadn't told me to smile,

I wouldn't have thrown my diet Coke at him,

and he wouldn't have let us out in the middle of Central Park.

Can we use Uber again?

Why were we mad at them in the first place?

Who can remember?

I'm gonna give that driver

what the CW has on its fall lineup‐‐zero stars!

At least we didn't have to pay the whole fare.

I'm saving up for Madonna tickets.

And get this‐‐she's not singing.

She's doing stand‐up at the Garden.

No! That's right.

I saw her on "Fallon" and I thought that was just a bit,

like Joaquin Phoenix on "Letterman"

or James Franco with a guy's dick in his mouth, you know‐‐

"Just kidding!" Well, you know who will

be kidding‐‐Madonna. She's doing 75 minutes

of observational humor all about how annoying it is

when you can't remember which child you put in which house

and airplane food. [sighs]

Yeah, it's $1,100 for a nosebleed seat.

Worth every penny. Of course!

Oh, my God, Billy! Look where we are!

Gay Hookup History alert! The Ramble!

This is hallowed ground.

This was the number one site for elicit gay action

before John Travolta got his own massage table.

I'm sorry. This part of the park

is exclusive to Equinox Everywhere members.

A yoga class in the Ramble? Ugh.

I hate that fuckin' children's book.

Me too! And the Mineshaft's a Sephora?

There's no place left for a leather queen to go

when she's in the mood for a little fresh air

and cock and ball torture. Yet another reason

for Larry Kramer to be furious.

You wanna fist me anyway?

Not really.

Sweetie, you should smile.

[driving punk rock music]

♪ ♪

That's it, Lizzie.

I'm done signing for your packages.

Oh, but I loves me some online shopping.

And you're always home.

Besides, if I just left the boxes in the hallway,

they'd just get stolen. That is not my problem,

bitch.

Oh, my God! I hate that shop twat.

She almost makes me miss our old neighbors.

You hated that guy and his son.

You were so happy when they got deported.

That was the best call I ever made.

But Lizzie's worse. She just smiles

and she thinks she's gonna get anything she wants.

That's not how the world works!

I have a real challenge, myself.

What, did the dogs eat your favorite bowtie again?

No. We got the summons at work today.

PBS has Olbermann duty.

It's like jury duty, but with Keith Olbermann.

Every six months, it's a new network's turn

to figure out what to do with him.

Why don't they just put him on "Orange Is the New Black"?

That cast is huge. Nobody would even notice.

[opens and closes device]

How do you work this... heat...computer?

A $2.00 tip on a $40 check?

You know, it's people like you

that are why I have to cater waiter.

You try serving little kosher mini‐quiches to Jared Kushner

without wanting to stick a gun in your mouth.

Aw...poor sad, fat old Billy.

You know, show business is a dirty bitch,

but when she sucks, she swallows.

Matthew, why aren't you chained to

Stephen Fry's radiator? Thank you for asking

what the roller skates are for.

I have an audition for the reboot of "To Catch A Predator,"

and I wanted to do something

to set myself apart from the pack.

[giggles] Gotta get a gimmick.

I'm auditioning for the role of bait.

You mean the guy that's like, "Oh, come on in.

My parents aren't home. Have some lemonade."

How did you get the sides? You know,

despite this bathroom bill bullshit,

I'd just like to point out

that in the 17 seasons of that show,

there's never been a single trans predator.

Oh...

you'll get there, doll.

Agent.

Complaint.

Return policy.

Unfair return policy.

Wine stains. Marilyn?

Marilyn Kessler?

It's me. Shelley Waxman.

Shelley!

Oh, well, you look incredible!

What did you do, get the Sarandon?

Vitamins, doctor, cream?

Vitamin Charlotte!

Meet my granddaughter‐‐

She's my Fountain of Youth.

Aw! Hello.

Ooh, you got a little boo‐boo!

Ah...you look this good,

and you're a grandmother.

It's because I'm a grandmother.

The only thing this little munchkin wants to do

is hear my stories and tell me how great I look.

And I do.

Well, at least I went to college.

When your daughter has children,

you won't believe how happy you'll be.

Oh, please. By the time my daughter

dumps that alcoholic, she'll be as infertile

as Wolf Blitzer's imagination.

We dated. He had three positions,

two of which were him alone in bed

and me watching.

Nice to see you again, Shelley.

[dinner music playing]

Mr. Passias.

It's Billy Epstein from your sixth grade acting class.

[gasps] I thought we lost you on 9/11.

Worse, actually.

I'm, uh...I'm cater‐waitering

Anna Wintour's housekeeper's quinceañera.

But h‐how are you?

What are you doing here? I'm attending

Anna Wintour's housekeeper's quinceañera!

She's a student of mine.

How are things? How's everything at PS 745?

Beats me. Started my own acting school.

"John Passias. Dean of Students.

The Greeklings."

We use the Socratic method

to teach the theater to teenagers.

Oh, Billy! I'm so glad you didn't die in 9/11.

You're far too talented to be passing appetizers around.

Yeah. You're the only person in this town who thinks that.

I'm not acting. I'm just cater‐waitering,

doing a billion day jobs, and I'm still broke.

How's this for kismet?

We need a last‐minute replacement

for one of our acting teachers.

She got hit by a Boar's Head truck,

and now she's dead!

Oh, Mr. Passias, that's so nice, but...

I love my life.

I'm totally kidding. Of course I'll do it!

Yes! Thank you! And I have to go.

I gotta get paper towels.

I gotta fish Karl Lagerfeld's ponytail

out of the salsa fountain.

I actually feel like teacher would be

a very hot look on you.

Very "Don't Stand So Close to Me,"

except, unlike Sting, you'd take less than 12 hours to cum.

Well, let me be clear. [knock on door]

I'm only going to do this so I can afford

to watch Madonna go try to get a slot

in the comedy tent at Bonnaroo.

She's the next Ali Wong. JULIE: I know.

Buenos días. I need you to sign for Lizzie McCormick.

Absolutely not. I told that bitch

I was done signing for her fucking packages!

Just leave it in the hallway.

Well, I hope it doesn't get stolen.

Hey...

smile.

Fuck you.

It's gettin' stolen.

God.

That'll teach that bitch

to keep giving my name to delivery people.

She asks you to sign for her packages?

What is this, Mayberry? I know!

[whimsical music]

[exhales]

It's a toilet seat!

It's a golden toilet seat!

Julie, it's one of those Japanese toilets

that cleans your cooter! And your pooter! Billy,

["Pure Imagination" plays] I got a golden toilet seat!

I got a golden toilet seat!

Oh, Julie, run to the bathroom.

Run to the bathroom, and don't stop until you get there!

[door closes] [music stops]

Billy? Yeah?

It's too small for my butt!

I don't fit!

Mm.

♪ ♪

Can I help you?

Yes. I'm sad eating.

Grandchildren are nature's facelift,

and my daughter's too selfish to have any.

So I'm just gonna indulge and be bad.

I want a small tart, plain. Oh. We're no longer

a Pinkberry. We were bought out by FroVo.

Oh, sounds just as tasty. It's not.

We're a new national chain of egg freezing facilities.

Tracy, hi! Stall 3 for your egg retrieval.

Did you bring your punch card?

Only four more viable egg retrievals,

and you get a freebie!

She looks exactly like my daughter's age.

[upbeat music]

My teacher preparation isn't going well.

I downloaded "The Fat Jewish's Master Class" on acting,

and my iPad crashed. The guy at the Genius Bar

said it became sentient and took its own life.

Oh, that makes sense. What about you?

Were you able to exchange that golden toilet seat

for something that fits? Mm. I tried,

but it turns out that's not how stealing works.

Ah. It's so frustrating!

There's only three pant sizes

between me and the best pee of my life.

There's gotta be a shortcut. [phone vibrates]

Nope. I knew it!

I knew you declined my calls.

Hello, Billy. You look wonderful.

Julie, where can we go to talk in private

about me giving you money to freeze your eggs?

Jesus, Mom! Egg freezing?

More like egg swapping for population control.

Oh, I'm fascinated!

The Illuminati use IVF

to swap out women's eggs

for eggs with diminished brain function

to create a bunch of gullible dopes

who won't question why we haven't seen Tiffany Trump

and the Freedom Tower in the same place.

Not so fascinating since you expounded.

Come on, Mom, let's go.

Look, I just wanted to help.

You're a pretty girl when you smile.

So that's why you decided to make me feel old

and out of options in a public place?

That is not what I wanted.

Why does everything come out wrong between us?

I just thought it would be nice to give you some more options!

And you have no ulterior motive?

Take the money and just do it!

You didn't answer my question.

Do you want this cash or not?

["Pure Imagination" plays]

♪ ♪

Yes.

Yes, I do!

Oh! Ha ha ha!

Welcome to Original Ray's Med Spa.

BYO stem cell face lifts,

fillers, fat freeze.

Which is the shortcut thing?

I have this much, and I need to fit onto this.

Okay, so that would be the Fat Freeze.

What we do is affix special freeze vacuums

onto the skin to super‐cool it until the fat dies.

None of that sounds safe.

I am in! And now with Fat Freeze,

you get Cinderestylox treatment for free.

Smoothes out the lines. FDA examined.

I am going to pretend you just said FDA approved.

Let's do this, shall we?

Let's do this. [snap]

Okay, are you ready?

Wow! You sure look very happy with the results.

No. This fucking Cinderestylox

froze my face into this fucking smile!

[door opens]

Hey, same partner, why are you so happy?

Did you watch that YouTube video

of LaToya Jackson getting Tasered again?

No. I got facial filler at a med spa

that froze my face into a smile.

Plus, while I was there, I had my fat frozen,

so...I can't really walk or sit down.

It's excruciating.

Wow.

Mm. [ahem]

How was your day, Arthur?

Thank you for asking, dry run.

Well, we did some focus testing, and apparently kids under seven

are Keith Olbermann's only potential demo.

They don't know who he is, so they can't hate him yet.

Can I pitch you some ideas for him?

No. Please. Stop.

Don't.

Uh, "Captain Keitharoo."

"Mr. Olbermann's Neighborhood."

What do you think? Those are cute, right?

[knock on door] [whimpers]

Thanks, bell‐bottom. You're the best.

Hi‐eee.

Hi‐eeeee...

I know you said no more deliveries,

but one was already on its way.

It's a Japanese toilet seat.

You didn't see it, did you?

No, I sure haven't.

Okay, thanks.

You seem fun. We should spin together sometime.

We'd have a blast. We sure would!

[both laughing]

This smile is magic!

Oh. Hello.

I'm Mr. Epstein. I'm replacing your dead teacher.

I read online that while teaching,

introductions can kill a lot of time.

So...let's do that.

Uh, we'll start with you, H&M jeans.

I'm Noel. I write "Dear Evan Hansen" fan fiction.

All right, I'm gonna cut you off right there.

All right. Yeah. Next.

I'm Beth, and I love to ♪ Sing ♪

How old are you? I'm 12.

Well, Cynthia Nixon started at 7.

Welcome to the jungle. Sit down.

All right, I already know more about you

than I wanna know, so here's what we're gonna do.

Everyone write this down.

Acting.

The Fat Jewish... says that acting

is reacting.

And then his website crashed.

How much time do we have left?

2 hours and 45 minutes.

I see.

Uh...okay!

Here's what we're gonna do. Everyone take out their phones.

We're gonna spend the rest of the class

quietly Googling Anna Kendrick.

Be prepared next time to read her least self‐aware tweet.

Okay?

And then you can see yourselves out.

Good day.

But when are we gonna rehearse

for the industry showcase?

I'm sorry.

What do you mean by "industry"?

And, to a lesser extent,

what do you mean, "showcase"?

Okay. This is what The Royal Academy

of Dramatic Arts refers to

as shitting the bed. Guys,

do you understand what a big opportunity this is?

This showcase‐‐you're gonna get to act in front of agents.

I can't even get a prostitute to watch me jerk off

even though it says that's specifically what I wanted

in my profile. That's right, I asked for

the Wolf Blitzer, and I'm not ashamed.

All right, sit down. Next, Mousy and Needy.

Get up here and slate.

Hi. My name is Beth Calliber,

currently self‐represented,

and this is a scene from the Aaron Sorkin movie,

"Shut Up, Lady, I Have An Idea."

Already bored. Go.

Here's what you don't understand about rape culture.

Maybe you don't think it's important, Jane,

but it is.

Um...Mr. Epstein?

My character description says

"Jane, under 40, British accent."

But I don't have any lines.

I don't know how to nod with an accent.

Okay. Well, here's the good news.

Every actor's resume has a section

called Special Skills, and on yours you can put,

"Knows how to ruin a scene without saying a single word."

Continue.

Fucking kids don't deserve that opportunity.

Fuck them. Yeah, fuck them raw.

By the way, I'm sorry I'm smiling like Burke Ramsey

talking to Dr. Phil about his dead sister.

It's only because I can't not. I can't believe I have to

sit in the same room as those agents,

and the kids are the ones who get to shine.

Well, why don't you just pull a Tom Cruise?

Have my Scientology slaves fix my motorcycles?

Wrestle men in their underpants?

Attack poor Brooke Shields for taking Wellbutrin?

Eat a‐ssss?

Cast yourself next to weaker stars

so the audience watches only you.

Crash their scenes!

That's brilliant!

I will insert myself into all those kids' scenes!

Those kids suck. I'll be great.

I'm sorry, why are you standing

like Milania on the auction block?

Oh! It's because it hurts to sit down.

But you'd never know to look at me.

The smile is fucking magic.

I went to pick up my recap paycheck earlier,

and my editor was so charmed by me,

he asked me to moderate a panel of the women

who were on the cover of their "Women to Watch" issue.

Women to watch? Like in an Erin Andrews way?

I don't give a shit. If I do a good job

hosting this panel, next year they might even

put me on the list.

Smiling. Who knew?

Oh, I forgot to tell you the best part.

I went to Dunkin' Donuts earlier,

and the guy gave me six free yesterday's holes.

You sure he wasn't just throwing them away

Have a dozen of one,

six free yesterday's holes of the other!

Check it out. Free donuts.

I must document this blessed event.

Are we talking about things we shot on our phones?

Nate, if you please. Thank you for asking.

I did just finish editing my "To Catch A Predator" audition.

Watch.

Knock, knock. I'm here.

Hi, mister! Gee, you're even hotter

than you were in the pics you sent.

I made some cookies with my 13‐year‐old little hands.

Do you wanna fuck me now? Jesus, Matthew!

I'm uncomfortable. Do I say the thing

about how we caught you yet? 'Cause I got a date to get to.

Lola, no improv. Ugh!

[Cockney accent] 'Ello, mister!

Boy, you're even 'otter than in the pics you sent.

[continues in background] It's good...

And important.

Do you wanna fuck me now?

[knock on door]

Mom? What are you doing here?

Oh, I know. You probably came by

to make sure I used your money to freeze my eggs.

Normally, what you said would make me very defensive,

but there's something about your friendliness

and exquisite posture that puts my mind at ease.

That said, I wouldn't hate seeing a receipt.

Actually, I have something better than a receipt.

Photographic evidence.

Check this out.

Oh, Julie.

There are so many! I know!

I bet you can't wait to curl up with these little munchkins.

I'm sorry I was so suspicious.

You know, I was just on my way to Shelley's

to give her this.

Her daughter‐in‐law's expecting again, but...

I want you to have it.

And every time you look at that rattle,

I want you to say, "I remember that once

I made my mother very happy."

Thanks, Mom. I'll treasure it forever.

I don't know what is responsible

for your beautiful new smile, but baby girl,

I hope it never wears off.

Wears off?

How much Cinderestylox will this get me?

It's real silver. [jingling]

MAN: Please welcome the moderator

of this year's panel, Julie Kessler.

[audience gasps, murmurs]

We have quite the industry

audience here today. I see that.

And they're in for a real treat.

I took the liberty of rewriting some of the scenes

to showcase the strengths of the class.

I knew you were a natural teacher.

Yeah. I'm like Mary Kay Letourneau

if she ever figured out her haircut.

Happy 45h anniversary.

So far from the job, from the kids...

I've never felt closer to you.

Mom...

Dad.

[audience whispering]

I'm gay.

How‐‐ Please don't react!

This has been bottling up in me a long time,

and I have a lot to say and sing

about how I feel.

Did the party start without me?

[chair thuds]

How's everyone doing?

Didn't get the invite, huh?

Why? Because you think I need this?

I don't need this. I want this!

I want this!

And you mock me!

♪ His name was Peter ♪

♪ There was...a garden ♪

♪ It was the summer ♪

♪ I was aliiiive ♪

I have the letters! I have the bills!

I have your paychecks! I have the will!

I have the death certificate, Karen!

♪ There were no women ♪

♪ It was amazing ♪

♪ Why couldn't there be no women ♪

♪ All the time? ♪

[applause]

[audience cheering]

Bravo! My boy.

Thank you, everyone, for coming.

Please, let's have another round of applause

for my protégée Billy Epstein.

I taught him everything he knows!

[loud cheers]

[mouthing]

Every agent here wants to meet you.

You're welcome.

Bravo!

Okay, another piece of cake.

Don't tell your dad.

Marilyn!

Did you get enough birthday cake

to push around your plate

to pretend like you're eating it?

I certainly did, Shelley.

You seem like you're in a good mood.

My daughter and I are finally getting along

since she froze her eggs.

I'm gonna get that grandchild glow someday.

Oh, no!

Did you hurt yourself again?

You know kids.

They're always falling down and skinning their necks.

Mom, it's over. Officers!

What's over? You've been using

your granddaughter to harvest stem cells.

How did you find out?

I mean‐‐What are you talking about?

This sick bitch has been bringing my daughter

to a sketchy med spa where they extract stem cells

from the back of her neck and inject it into my mom's face.

It's called a BYO stem cell face lift.

And there's no down time?

Not jail! Not now!

Your pig wife in incubating a whole new geyser of collagen!

No! No! [police radio chatter]

No!

[lisping] My next question

is for Violet Schekter.

Violet, what made you decide to write and direct

a feature‐length film about your childhood?

I felt like it was a survivor's story

that needed to be told.

Like most writers, I grew up in a lot of pain.

I hear that.

Excuse me. Are you making fun of me?

'Cause you seem sarcastic. Oh!

Nothing could be further from the truth.

Well, you smiled all through Stacy's story,

and how her symphony was inspired

by her father's stroke.

That's not fair. Her dad's story really moved me.

When she talked about how her dad lost his motor skills,

I almost cried!

Ugh! [audience reaction]

Fuck you!

What? You are clearly

making fun of her dad! I just spilled!

What is wrong with you, Julie? This isn't a joke.

I'm not joking!

I'm not a joker. I'm not the Joker!

[audience booing] Why so serious?

Arthur, is the second brownie batch almost ready?

You'll know when you hear the timer.

I have feelings that I need to conceal with food

because my face isn't doing its job.

How long is this stupid smile supposed to last?

I thought the point of Cinderestylox

was it was temporary. Yeah. So did I.

Well, according to the website, in some cases,

Cinderestylox can cause...

What?

Nothing. Not every website is right.

I'm sure you'll be fine. I just feel like

such an idiot for having done this.

Oh, no, no, no.

But, uh, just don't let me pitch you

any more work ideas until you have full control

of your facial expressions. Why not? What happened?

Oh...your smile gave me false confidence.

Keith Olbermann hated all my ideas.

It took him 6 1/2 hours to tell me why.

[knock on door] The good news is

he ran out the clock, and he's A&E's problem now.

Yes. Hi. Hi.

Um‐‐

Hey, Julie, I'm sorry to interrupt,

but your gay butler let me in.

So...kind of a weird thing happened.

Oh, no! The delivery guy

said you refused to sign but that you kept the toilet anyway.

[snorting] What a crazy stupid idiot!

Another bald‐faced lie from the delivery guy.

[ding]

Brownies are ready. Is something wrong

with your face? No! Of course not.

Nothing's wrong with my face.

Did you take my toilet?

[ding]

No!

You're lying!

I'm taking what's mine! No!

Lizzie, please!

The Fat Freeze worked!

I can finally fit on the seat!

Don't take it now! I've got the golden toilet!

["I've Got a Golden Ticket" plays]

I just have to teach one more class,

and then I have enough for Madonna tickets.

Apparently, the first three rows get Gallagher‐style tarps,

so she must be smashing something.

What a perfect way to celebrate killing

at a student showcase, plus you have five agency meetings!

I kinda feel guilty for all those young actors,

but now they know what it's like

to take advantage of a show business opportunity.

"Teach the children well,"

sang David Crosby.

And then he ejaculated into a turkey baster,

and suddenly Melissa Etheridge was a mother.

Aw. This is how I find out

I didn't get "To Catch A Predator"?

They put a clip from tonight's premiere

on "Dlisted", and look at the cow they cast as the bait.

I mean, clearly, they went in a different direction.

Come on in. I've got some hot cookies

and lemonade. Say, my parents aren't home.

Is that okay with you?

Oh. Oh, that's just fine.

Holy shit. It's Mr. Passias! What?

Do mind if I, uh, take off my pants?

You know... in the days of Socrates,

everyone would just‐‐

Oh! Chris Hansen.

They don't even hook up!

What a stupid show. You know what?

I'm gonna go roller skate myself into a better mood.

Julie‐‐ I know, I know, this is bad.

Okay, clearly, the Greekling School is no more‐‐

But the Greeklings‐‐ But you'll still find a way

to pay for those Madonna tickets.

Plus, you're getting an agent out of this whole thing.

No, I'm not!

Passias told that whole roomful of agents

that I'm his protégé and that he taught me everything I know.

I'm not getting anything out of this.

And I lost my golden toilet seat!

Now that I can't get any more Cinderestylox,

we're never gonna smile again.

Oh...oh...oh...oh!

[crash, glass shatters]

MAN: Oh!

♪ Thought it'd be easy ♪

♪ Thought they didn't know ♪

♪ You thought it was the only way to go ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Another way out ♪

♪ Found on the way home ♪

♪ Thought you were living fast ♪

♪ But you were living slow ♪

♪ ♪

MAN: La la la.

Oh, my God.