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1
00:00:02,007 --> 00:00:03,467
Can I get a diet coke?
2
00:00:03,468 --> 00:00:05,258
Can I get a smile?
Excuse me?
3
00:00:05,263 --> 00:00:07,313
Life's not so bad.
You should smile.
4
00:00:07,309 --> 00:00:09,019
She doesn't have to take
any orders from you.
5
00:00:09,021 --> 00:00:10,531
Yeah, how does it feel
to be on the wrong side
6
00:00:10,525 --> 00:00:11,935
of the war against women?
Fuck you!
7
00:00:11,944 --> 00:00:13,664
Fuck you!
Get outta here.
8
00:00:13,656 --> 00:00:15,326
No diet Coke. How 'bout that?
Oh, please.
9
00:00:15,325 --> 00:00:17,245
Like you're the only
diet Coke in the city?
10
00:00:17,246 --> 00:00:18,956
We'll get our own.
Thanks very much.
11
00:00:18,958 --> 00:00:20,248
There's diet Coke everywhere
here, asshole.
12
00:00:20,252 --> 00:00:22,672
Fuck you.
Fuck you!
13
00:00:22,674 --> 00:00:24,934
Fucking disgusting
dirty pretzels.
14
00:00:24,928 --> 00:00:26,718
Why do men think it's okay
15
00:00:26,723 --> 00:00:28,353
to tell women they've never
even met to smile?
16
00:00:28,351 --> 00:00:30,111
If that Lyft driver
hadn't told me to smile,
17
00:00:30,105 --> 00:00:32,185
I wouldn't have thrown
my diet Coke at him,
18
00:00:32,192 --> 00:00:34,032
and he wouldn't have let us out
in the middle of Central Park.
19
00:00:34,029 --> 00:00:35,739
Can we use Uber again?
20
00:00:35,741 --> 00:00:36,911
Why were we mad at them
in the first place?
21
00:00:36,910 --> 00:00:38,080
Who can remember?
22
00:00:38,079 --> 00:00:39,869
I'm gonna give that driver
23
00:00:39,874 --> 00:00:42,214
what the CW has on its fall
lineup‐‐zero stars!
24
00:00:42,212 --> 00:00:44,052
At least we didn't
have to pay the whole fare.
25
00:00:44,049 --> 00:00:45,759
I'm saving up
for Madonna tickets.
26
00:00:45,761 --> 00:00:47,391
And get this‐‐she's not singing.
27
00:00:47,389 --> 00:00:49,139
She's doing stand‐up
at the Garden.
28
00:00:49,143 --> 00:00:51,153
No!
That's right.
29
00:00:51,147 --> 00:00:53,067
I saw her on "Fallon" and I
thought that was just a bit,
30
00:00:53,067 --> 00:00:55,067
like Joaquin Phoenix
on "Letterman"
31
00:00:55,071 --> 00:00:56,781
or James Franco with a guy's
dick in his mouth, you know‐‐
32
00:00:56,783 --> 00:00:58,453
"Just kidding!"
Well, you know who will
33
00:00:58,453 --> 00:01:00,293
be kidding‐‐Madonna.
She's doing 75 minutes
34
00:01:00,290 --> 00:01:02,960
of observational humor
all about how annoying it is
35
00:01:02,962 --> 00:01:05,472
when you can't remember which
child you put in which house
36
00:01:05,467 --> 00:01:07,137
and airplane food.
[sighs]
37
00:01:07,137 --> 00:01:09,217
Yeah, it's $1,100
for a nosebleed seat.
38
00:01:09,224 --> 00:01:11,694
Worth every penny.
Of course!
39
00:01:11,688 --> 00:01:13,778
Oh, my God, Billy!
Look where we are!
40
00:01:13,776 --> 00:01:16,236
Gay Hookup History alert!
The Ramble!
41
00:01:16,238 --> 00:01:18,078
This is hallowed ground.
42
00:01:18,076 --> 00:01:20,666
This was the number one site
for elicit gay action
43
00:01:20,665 --> 00:01:22,915
before John Travolta
got his own massage table.
44
00:01:22,919 --> 00:01:24,879
I'm sorry.
This part of the park
45
00:01:24,881 --> 00:01:27,761
is exclusive to Equinox
Everywhere members.
46
00:01:27,762 --> 00:01:29,682
A yoga class in the Ramble?
Ugh.
47
00:01:29,683 --> 00:01:31,563
I hate that fuckin'
children's book.
48
00:01:31,561 --> 00:01:35,281
Me too!
And the Mineshaft's a Sephora?
49
00:01:35,276 --> 00:01:37,656
There's no place left
for a leather queen to go
50
00:01:37,657 --> 00:01:39,537
when she's in the mood
for a little fresh air
51
00:01:39,536 --> 00:01:41,456
and cock and ball torture.
Yet another reason
52
00:01:41,455 --> 00:01:43,535
for Larry Kramer to be furious.
53
00:01:43,544 --> 00:01:45,134
You wanna fist me anyway?
54
00:01:45,130 --> 00:01:46,380
Not really.
55
00:01:46,382 --> 00:01:49,052
Sweetie, you should smile.
56
00:01:49,054 --> 00:01:52,064
[driving punk rock music]
57
00:01:52,060 --> 00:01:55,110
♪ ♪
58
00:01:55,108 --> 00:01:56,528
That's it, Lizzie.
59
00:01:56,528 --> 00:01:58,198
I'm done signing
for your packages.
60
00:01:58,197 --> 00:02:00,287
Oh, but I loves me
some online shopping.
61
00:02:00,285 --> 00:02:02,035
And you're always home.
62
00:02:02,038 --> 00:02:04,078
Besides, if I just left
the boxes in the hallway,
63
00:02:04,084 --> 00:02:06,174
they'd just get stolen.
That is not my problem,
64
00:02:06,172 --> 00:02:07,632
bitch.
65
00:02:07,633 --> 00:02:10,393
Oh, my God!
I hate that shop twat.
66
00:02:10,388 --> 00:02:12,848
She almost makes me miss
our old neighbors.
67
00:02:12,852 --> 00:02:14,442
You hated that guy
and his son.
68
00:02:14,438 --> 00:02:15,898
You were so happy
when they got deported.
69
00:02:15,900 --> 00:02:17,610
That was the best call
I ever made.
70
00:02:17,612 --> 00:02:19,452
But Lizzie's worse.
She just smiles
71
00:02:19,448 --> 00:02:21,238
and she thinks she's gonna
get anything she wants.
72
00:02:21,243 --> 00:02:22,913
That's not how the world works!
73
00:02:22,914 --> 00:02:24,714
I have a real challenge,
myself.
74
00:02:24,709 --> 00:02:26,669
What, did the dogs eat
your favorite bowtie again?
75
00:02:26,671 --> 00:02:28,801
No. We got the summons
at work today.
76
00:02:28,801 --> 00:02:30,811
PBS has Olbermann duty.
77
00:02:30,805 --> 00:02:33,305
It's like jury duty,
but with Keith Olbermann.
78
00:02:33,309 --> 00:02:34,899
Every six months,
it's a new network's turn
79
00:02:34,896 --> 00:02:36,936
to figure out
what to do with him.
80
00:02:36,942 --> 00:02:39,362
Why don't they just put him
on "Orange Is the New Black"?
81
00:02:39,363 --> 00:02:41,413
That cast is huge.
Nobody would even notice.
82
00:02:41,408 --> 00:02:43,288
[opens and closes device]
83
00:02:43,287 --> 00:02:46,417
How do you work this...
heat...computer?
84
00:02:46,418 --> 00:02:48,588
A $2.00 tip on a $40 check?
85
00:02:48,590 --> 00:02:50,260
You know,
it's people like you
86
00:02:50,260 --> 00:02:52,310
that are why I have to
cater waiter.
87
00:02:52,305 --> 00:02:54,885
You try serving little kosher
mini‐quiches to Jared Kushner
88
00:02:54,894 --> 00:02:57,234
without wanting to stick
a gun in your mouth.
89
00:02:57,232 --> 00:03:01,202
Aw...poor sad,
fat old Billy.
90
00:03:01,198 --> 00:03:03,408
You know, show business
is a dirty bitch,
91
00:03:03,411 --> 00:03:04,911
but when she sucks,
she swallows.
92
00:03:04,914 --> 00:03:06,674
Matthew, why aren't you
chained to
93
00:03:06,668 --> 00:03:08,708
Stephen Fry's radiator?
Thank you for asking
94
00:03:08,714 --> 00:03:10,764
what the roller skates are for.
95
00:03:10,759 --> 00:03:13,059
I have an audition for the
reboot of "To Catch A Predator,"
96
00:03:13,055 --> 00:03:14,595
and I wanted to do something
97
00:03:14,601 --> 00:03:16,351
to set myself apart
from the pack.
98
00:03:16,353 --> 00:03:18,273
[giggles]
Gotta get a gimmick.
99
00:03:18,274 --> 00:03:19,994
I'm auditioning
for the role of bait.
100
00:03:19,986 --> 00:03:21,906
You mean the guy that's like,
"Oh, come on in.
101
00:03:21,907 --> 00:03:23,827
My parents aren't home.
Have some lemonade."
102
00:03:23,827 --> 00:03:25,617
How did you get the sides?
You know,
103
00:03:25,623 --> 00:03:27,503
despite this bathroom bill
bullshit,
104
00:03:27,500 --> 00:03:29,050
I'd just like to point out
105
00:03:29,046 --> 00:03:30,916
that in the 17 seasons
of that show,
106
00:03:30,924 --> 00:03:32,934
there's never been
a single trans predator.
107
00:03:32,928 --> 00:03:34,558
Oh...
108
00:03:34,557 --> 00:03:37,057
you'll get there, doll.
109
00:03:37,062 --> 00:03:39,692
Agent.
110
00:03:39,692 --> 00:03:41,492
Complaint.
111
00:03:41,487 --> 00:03:44,367
Return policy.
112
00:03:44,368 --> 00:03:46,748
Unfair return policy.
113
00:03:46,748 --> 00:03:48,288
Wine stains.
Marilyn?
114
00:03:48,292 --> 00:03:50,552
Marilyn Kessler?
115
00:03:50,547 --> 00:03:53,047
It's me.
Shelley Waxman.
116
00:03:54,429 --> 00:03:55,849
Shelley!
117
00:03:55,849 --> 00:03:58,149
Oh, well, you look incredible!
118
00:03:58,145 --> 00:04:00,685
What did you do,
get the Sarandon?
119
00:04:00,693 --> 00:04:03,203
Vitamins, doctor, cream?
120
00:04:03,197 --> 00:04:04,987
Vitamin Charlotte!
121
00:04:04,992 --> 00:04:06,582
Meet my granddaughter‐‐
122
00:04:06,579 --> 00:04:08,289
She's my Fountain of Youth.
123
00:04:08,290 --> 00:04:10,290
Aw!
Hello.
124
00:04:10,294 --> 00:04:12,684
Ooh, you got a little
boo‐boo!
125
00:04:12,675 --> 00:04:15,135
Ah...you look this good,
126
00:04:15,138 --> 00:04:16,848
and you're a grandmother.
127
00:04:16,850 --> 00:04:18,850
It's because
I'm a grandmother.
128
00:04:18,854 --> 00:04:21,024
The only thing this little
munchkin wants to do
129
00:04:21,024 --> 00:04:23,784
is hear my stories
and tell me how great I look.
130
00:04:23,780 --> 00:04:25,200
And I do.
131
00:04:25,199 --> 00:04:27,539
Well, at least
I went to college.
132
00:04:27,538 --> 00:04:29,328
When your daughter
has children,
133
00:04:29,332 --> 00:04:31,672
you won't believe
how happy you'll be.
134
00:04:31,671 --> 00:04:33,721
Oh, please.
By the time my daughter
135
00:04:33,717 --> 00:04:35,967
dumps that alcoholic,
she'll be as infertile
136
00:04:35,971 --> 00:04:38,021
as Wolf Blitzer's imagination.
137
00:04:38,017 --> 00:04:40,517
We dated.
He had three positions,
138
00:04:40,522 --> 00:04:42,362
two of which were
him alone in bed
139
00:04:42,358 --> 00:04:43,648
and me watching.
140
00:04:43,653 --> 00:04:45,623
Nice to see you again, Shelley.
141
00:04:46,910 --> 00:04:50,210
[dinner music playing]
142
00:04:50,208 --> 00:04:52,708
Mr. Passias.
143
00:04:52,713 --> 00:04:55,263
It's Billy Epstein from
your sixth grade acting class.
144
00:04:55,259 --> 00:04:58,139
[gasps] I thought
we lost you on 9/11.
145
00:04:58,140 --> 00:04:59,890
Worse, actually.
146
00:04:59,894 --> 00:05:01,904
I'm, uh...I'm cater‐waitering
147
00:05:01,898 --> 00:05:04,188
Anna Wintour's
housekeeper's quinceañera.
148
00:05:04,194 --> 00:05:05,954
But h‐how are you?
149
00:05:05,948 --> 00:05:08,038
What are you doing here?
I'm attending
150
00:05:08,035 --> 00:05:10,285
Anna Wintour's
housekeeper's quinceañera!
151
00:05:10,289 --> 00:05:11,959
She's a student of mine.
152
00:05:11,960 --> 00:05:15,090
How are things?
How's everything at PS 745?
153
00:05:15,091 --> 00:05:19,021
Beats me.
Started my own acting school.
154
00:05:19,015 --> 00:05:20,635
"John Passias.
Dean of Students.
155
00:05:20,644 --> 00:05:22,024
The Greeklings."
156
00:05:22,021 --> 00:05:23,941
We use the Socratic method
157
00:05:23,942 --> 00:05:25,902
to teach the theater
to teenagers.
158
00:05:25,904 --> 00:05:29,374
Oh, Billy! I'm so glad
you didn't die in 9/11.
159
00:05:29,369 --> 00:05:32,919
You're far too talented to be
passing appetizers around.
160
00:05:32,918 --> 00:05:35,838
Yeah. You're the only person
in this town who thinks that.
161
00:05:35,841 --> 00:05:38,431
I'm not acting.
I'm just cater‐waitering,
162
00:05:38,429 --> 00:05:40,979
doing a billion day jobs,
and I'm still broke.
163
00:05:40,976 --> 00:05:42,806
How's this for kismet?
164
00:05:42,813 --> 00:05:44,533
We need a last‐minute
replacement
165
00:05:44,525 --> 00:05:46,235
for one of our acting teachers.
166
00:05:46,236 --> 00:05:48,026
She got hit
by a Boar's Head truck,
167
00:05:48,032 --> 00:05:49,662
and now she's dead!
168
00:05:49,660 --> 00:05:53,630
Oh, Mr. Passias,
that's so nice, but...
169
00:05:53,627 --> 00:05:56,587
I love my life.
170
00:05:56,591 --> 00:05:58,511
I'm totally kidding.
Of course I'll do it!
171
00:05:58,511 --> 00:06:00,521
Yes! Thank you!
And I have to go.
172
00:06:00,515 --> 00:06:02,015
I gotta get paper towels.
173
00:06:02,018 --> 00:06:03,438
I gotta fish Karl Lagerfeld's
ponytail
174
00:06:03,437 --> 00:06:05,017
out of the salsa fountain.
175
00:06:05,024 --> 00:06:07,284
I actually feel like teacher
would be
176
00:06:07,278 --> 00:06:08,658
a very hot look on you.
177
00:06:08,657 --> 00:06:10,617
Very "Don't Stand
So Close to Me,"
178
00:06:10,619 --> 00:06:12,869
except, unlike Sting, you'd take
less than 12 hours to cum.
179
00:06:12,873 --> 00:06:14,463
Well, let me be clear.
[knock on door]
180
00:06:14,459 --> 00:06:16,379
I'm only going to do this
so I can afford
181
00:06:16,380 --> 00:06:18,180
to watch Madonna
go try to get a slot
182
00:06:18,175 --> 00:06:19,965
in the comedy tent
at Bonnaroo.
183
00:06:19,971 --> 00:06:22,021
She's the next Ali Wong.
JULIE: I know.
184
00:06:22,935 --> 00:06:25,565
Buenos días. I need you
to sign for Lizzie McCormick.
185
00:06:25,565 --> 00:06:27,605
Absolutely not.
I told that bitch
186
00:06:27,611 --> 00:06:29,701
I was done signing
for her fucking packages!
187
00:06:29,699 --> 00:06:31,199
Just leave it in the hallway.
188
00:06:31,201 --> 00:06:32,831
Well, I hope it doesn't
get stolen.
189
00:06:32,830 --> 00:06:34,290
Hey...
190
00:06:34,291 --> 00:06:35,671
smile.
191
00:06:36,671 --> 00:06:38,511
Fuck you.
192
00:06:41,346 --> 00:06:44,226
It's gettin' stolen.
193
00:06:44,227 --> 00:06:45,437
God.
194
00:06:45,438 --> 00:06:47,108
That'll teach that bitch
195
00:06:47,108 --> 00:06:48,988
to keep giving my name
to delivery people.
196
00:06:48,987 --> 00:06:51,157
She asks you to sign
for her packages?
197
00:06:51,158 --> 00:06:53,158
What is this, Mayberry?
I know!
198
00:06:53,997 --> 00:06:57,917
[whimsical music]
199
00:06:57,921 --> 00:06:59,381
[exhales]
200
00:06:59,382 --> 00:07:01,602
It's a toilet seat!
201
00:07:01,596 --> 00:07:03,426
It's a golden toilet seat!
202
00:07:03,432 --> 00:07:05,102
Julie, it's one of those
Japanese toilets
203
00:07:05,102 --> 00:07:07,112
that cleans your cooter!
And your pooter! Billy,
204
00:07:07,106 --> 00:07:10,106
["Pure Imagination" plays]
I got a golden toilet seat!
205
00:07:10,112 --> 00:07:11,822
I got a golden toilet seat!
206
00:07:11,824 --> 00:07:13,704
Oh, Julie,
run to the bathroom.
207
00:07:13,703 --> 00:07:16,463
Run to the bathroom, and don't
stop until you get there!
208
00:07:16,458 --> 00:07:17,878
[door closes]
[music stops]
209
00:07:18,880 --> 00:07:21,380
Billy?
Yeah?
210
00:07:21,384 --> 00:07:23,394
It's too small for my butt!
211
00:07:23,388 --> 00:07:25,138
I don't fit!
212
00:07:25,142 --> 00:07:26,272
Mm.
213
00:07:26,269 --> 00:07:28,439
♪ ♪
214
00:07:28,440 --> 00:07:29,780
Can I help you?
215
00:07:29,777 --> 00:07:31,737
Yes. I'm sad eating.
216
00:07:31,739 --> 00:07:33,489
Grandchildren
are nature's facelift,
217
00:07:33,492 --> 00:07:35,662
and my daughter's
too selfish to have any.
218
00:07:35,664 --> 00:07:37,584
So I'm just gonna indulge
and be bad.
219
00:07:37,584 --> 00:07:39,634
I want a small tart, plain.
Oh. We're no longer
220
00:07:39,630 --> 00:07:41,550
a Pinkberry.
We were bought out by FroVo.
221
00:07:41,551 --> 00:07:43,761
Oh, sounds just as tasty.
It's not.
222
00:07:43,763 --> 00:07:46,313
We're a new national chain
of egg freezing facilities.
223
00:07:46,309 --> 00:07:48,899
Tracy, hi!
Stall 3 for your egg retrieval.
224
00:07:48,898 --> 00:07:50,528
Did you bring your punch card?
225
00:07:50,527 --> 00:07:52,527
Only four more viable
egg retrievals,
226
00:07:52,531 --> 00:07:55,121
and you get a freebie!
227
00:07:57,123 --> 00:08:00,253
She looks exactly like
my daughter's age.
228
00:08:00,254 --> 00:08:03,434
[upbeat music]
229
00:08:03,427 --> 00:08:05,427
My teacher preparation
isn't going well.
230
00:08:05,431 --> 00:08:07,901
I downloaded "The Fat Jewish's
Master Class" on acting,
231
00:08:07,895 --> 00:08:10,225
and my iPad crashed.
The guy at the Genius Bar
232
00:08:10,232 --> 00:08:12,242
said it became sentient
and took its own life.
233
00:08:12,236 --> 00:08:14,066
Oh, that makes sense.
What about you?
234
00:08:14,073 --> 00:08:16,493
Were you able to exchange
that golden toilet seat
235
00:08:16,494 --> 00:08:18,214
for something that fits?
Mm. I tried,
236
00:08:18,207 --> 00:08:19,877
but it turns out
that's not how stealing works.
237
00:08:19,877 --> 00:08:21,757
Ah.
It's so frustrating!
238
00:08:21,756 --> 00:08:23,426
There's only three pant sizes
239
00:08:23,425 --> 00:08:25,925
between me and the best pee
of my life.
240
00:08:25,931 --> 00:08:29,691
There's gotta be a shortcut.
[phone vibrates]
241
00:08:29,688 --> 00:08:31,688
Nope.
I knew it!
242
00:08:31,692 --> 00:08:35,072
I knew you declined
my calls.
243
00:08:35,074 --> 00:08:37,914
Hello, Billy.
You look wonderful.
244
00:08:37,913 --> 00:08:40,043
Julie, where can we go
to talk in private
245
00:08:40,042 --> 00:08:42,092
about me giving you money
to freeze your eggs?
246
00:08:42,088 --> 00:08:44,178
Jesus, Mom!
Egg freezing?
247
00:08:44,175 --> 00:08:46,885
More like egg swapping
for population control.
248
00:08:46,889 --> 00:08:48,349
Oh, I'm fascinated!
249
00:08:48,350 --> 00:08:50,020
The Illuminati use IVF
250
00:08:50,020 --> 00:08:51,520
to swap out women's eggs
251
00:08:51,524 --> 00:08:53,534
for eggs with diminished
brain function
252
00:08:53,528 --> 00:08:55,358
to create a bunch of
gullible dopes
253
00:08:55,364 --> 00:08:57,454
who won't question why we
haven't seen Tiffany Trump
254
00:08:57,451 --> 00:08:59,711
and the Freedom Tower
in the same place.
255
00:08:59,707 --> 00:09:01,667
Not so fascinating
since you expounded.
256
00:09:01,669 --> 00:09:02,919
Come on, Mom, let's go.
257
00:09:02,921 --> 00:09:05,591
Look, I just wanted to help.
258
00:09:05,594 --> 00:09:08,024
You're a pretty girl
when you smile.
259
00:09:08,015 --> 00:09:10,345
So that's why you decided
to make me feel old
260
00:09:10,352 --> 00:09:12,152
and out of options
in a public place?
261
00:09:12,148 --> 00:09:13,898
That is not what I wanted.
262
00:09:13,901 --> 00:09:16,571
Why does everything
come out wrong between us?
263
00:09:16,574 --> 00:09:19,294
I just thought it would be nice
to give you some more options!
264
00:09:19,287 --> 00:09:21,037
And you have
no ulterior motive?
265
00:09:21,041 --> 00:09:23,251
Take the money
and just do it!
266
00:09:23,253 --> 00:09:24,723
You didn't answer my question.
267
00:09:24,715 --> 00:09:27,255
Do you want this cash or not?
268
00:09:27,261 --> 00:09:31,311
["Pure Imagination" plays]
269
00:09:31,311 --> 00:09:34,901
♪ ♪
270
00:09:34,902 --> 00:09:36,492
Yes.
271
00:09:36,488 --> 00:09:38,578
Yes, I do!
272
00:09:38,576 --> 00:09:39,906
Oh! Ha ha ha!
273
00:09:42,793 --> 00:09:44,253
Welcome to Original Ray's
Med Spa.
274
00:09:44,253 --> 00:09:46,223
BYO stem cell face lifts,
275
00:09:46,216 --> 00:09:48,046
fillers, fat freeze.
276
00:09:48,053 --> 00:09:49,723
Which is the shortcut thing?
277
00:09:49,723 --> 00:09:52,483
I have this much, and I need
to fit onto this.
278
00:09:52,478 --> 00:09:54,688
Okay, so that would be
the Fat Freeze.
279
00:09:54,692 --> 00:09:57,782
What we do is affix
special freeze vacuums
280
00:09:57,781 --> 00:10:01,121
onto the skin to super‐cool it
until the fat dies.
281
00:10:01,121 --> 00:10:02,831
None of that sounds safe.
282
00:10:02,833 --> 00:10:05,053
I am in!
And now with Fat Freeze,
283
00:10:05,045 --> 00:10:07,675
you get Cinderestylox
treatment for free.
284
00:10:07,676 --> 00:10:10,676
Smoothes out the lines.
FDA examined.
285
00:10:10,682 --> 00:10:14,062
I am going to pretend
you just said FDA approved.
286
00:10:14,063 --> 00:10:15,613
Let's do this, shall we?
287
00:10:15,608 --> 00:10:18,318
Let's do this.
[snap]
288
00:10:18,321 --> 00:10:20,701
Okay, are you ready?
289
00:10:20,702 --> 00:10:24,632
Wow! You sure look very happy
with the results.
290
00:10:24,626 --> 00:10:27,466
No. This fucking
Cinderestylox
291
00:10:27,465 --> 00:10:30,635
froze my face
into this fucking smile!
292
00:10:30,638 --> 00:10:32,428
[door opens]
293
00:10:32,433 --> 00:10:34,443
Hey, same partner,
why are you so happy?
294
00:10:34,437 --> 00:10:35,977
Did you watch that YouTube video
295
00:10:35,982 --> 00:10:37,572
of LaToya Jackson
getting Tasered again?
296
00:10:37,569 --> 00:10:40,199
No. I got facial filler
at a med spa
297
00:10:40,199 --> 00:10:41,869
that froze my face
into a smile.
298
00:10:41,869 --> 00:10:44,169
Plus, while I was there,
I had my fat frozen,
299
00:10:44,165 --> 00:10:47,045
so...I can't really walk
or sit down.
300
00:10:47,046 --> 00:10:48,336
It's excruciating.
301
00:10:48,340 --> 00:10:50,430
Wow.
302
00:10:50,427 --> 00:10:52,217
Mm.
[ahem]
303
00:10:54,268 --> 00:10:55,768
How was your day, Arthur?
304
00:10:55,772 --> 00:10:57,822
Thank you for asking,
dry run.
305
00:10:57,818 --> 00:11:00,448
Well, we did some focus testing,
and apparently kids under seven
306
00:11:00,447 --> 00:11:02,407
are Keith Olbermann's
only potential demo.
307
00:11:02,409 --> 00:11:04,329
They don't know who he is,
so they can't hate him yet.
308
00:11:04,330 --> 00:11:06,040
Can I pitch you
some ideas for him?
309
00:11:06,042 --> 00:11:08,262
No. Please. Stop.
310
00:11:08,255 --> 00:11:09,415
Don't.
311
00:11:09,423 --> 00:11:11,763
Uh, "Captain Keitharoo."
312
00:11:12,889 --> 00:11:14,639
"Mr. Olbermann's Neighborhood."
313
00:11:15,937 --> 00:11:17,607
What do you think?
Those are cute, right?
314
00:11:17,607 --> 00:11:19,897
[knock on door]
[whimpers]
315
00:11:19,903 --> 00:11:21,363
Thanks, bell‐bottom.
You're the best.
316
00:11:23,243 --> 00:11:24,293
Hi‐eee.
317
00:11:24,287 --> 00:11:25,787
Hi‐eeeee...
318
00:11:25,790 --> 00:11:27,630
I know you said
no more deliveries,
319
00:11:27,627 --> 00:11:29,797
but one was already
on its way.
320
00:11:29,798 --> 00:11:32,008
It's a Japanese toilet seat.
321
00:11:32,011 --> 00:11:33,391
You didn't see it, did you?
322
00:11:33,388 --> 00:11:34,808
No, I sure haven't.
323
00:11:34,808 --> 00:11:37,058
Okay, thanks.
324
00:11:37,062 --> 00:11:39,322
You seem fun. We should
spin together sometime.
325
00:11:39,317 --> 00:11:42,157
We'd have a blast.
We sure would!
326
00:11:42,156 --> 00:11:44,326
[both laughing]
327
00:11:45,329 --> 00:11:48,539
This smile is magic!
328
00:11:57,436 --> 00:11:59,976
Oh.
Hello.
329
00:11:59,983 --> 00:12:02,913
I'm Mr. Epstein.
I'm replacing your dead teacher.
330
00:12:02,906 --> 00:12:06,076
I read online
that while teaching,
331
00:12:06,079 --> 00:12:08,249
introductions
can kill a lot of time.
332
00:12:08,249 --> 00:12:11,049
So...let's do that.
333
00:12:11,047 --> 00:12:13,217
Uh, we'll start with you,
H&M jeans.
334
00:12:13,218 --> 00:12:16,848
I'm Noel. I write
"Dear Evan Hansen" fan fiction.
335
00:12:16,850 --> 00:12:18,520
All right, I'm gonna
cut you off right there.
336
00:12:18,521 --> 00:12:20,481
All right.
Yeah. Next.
337
00:12:20,482 --> 00:12:23,242
I'm Beth,
and I love to ♪ Sing ♪
338
00:12:23,238 --> 00:12:25,118
How old are you?
I'm 12.
339
00:12:25,117 --> 00:12:27,247
Well, Cynthia Nixon
started at 7.
340
00:12:27,246 --> 00:12:29,326
Welcome to the jungle.
Sit down.
341
00:12:29,333 --> 00:12:31,253
All right, I already know
more about you
342
00:12:31,254 --> 00:12:33,174
than I wanna know, so here's
what we're gonna do.
343
00:12:33,174 --> 00:12:34,764
Everyone write this down.
344
00:12:34,761 --> 00:12:36,471
Acting.
345
00:12:36,472 --> 00:12:41,232
The Fat Jewish...
says that acting
346
00:12:41,232 --> 00:12:43,242
is reacting.
347
00:12:43,236 --> 00:12:46,026
And then his website
crashed.
348
00:12:49,833 --> 00:12:51,383
How much time
do we have left?
349
00:12:51,377 --> 00:12:53,797
2 hours and 45 minutes.
350
00:12:53,799 --> 00:12:55,339
I see.
351
00:12:55,343 --> 00:12:57,393
Uh...okay!
352
00:12:57,389 --> 00:12:59,729
Here's what we're gonna do.
Everyone take out their phones.
353
00:12:59,728 --> 00:13:01,608
We're gonna spend
the rest of the class
354
00:13:01,607 --> 00:13:05,317
quietly Googling
Anna Kendrick.
355
00:13:05,322 --> 00:13:08,952
Be prepared next time to read
her least self‐aware tweet.
356
00:13:08,954 --> 00:13:10,834
Okay?
357
00:13:10,833 --> 00:13:12,843
And then you can
see yourselves out.
358
00:13:12,837 --> 00:13:14,167
Good day.
359
00:13:14,173 --> 00:13:15,843
But when are we gonna rehearse
360
00:13:15,843 --> 00:13:17,893
for the industry showcase?
361
00:13:17,889 --> 00:13:19,389
I'm sorry.
362
00:13:19,391 --> 00:13:21,271
What do you mean by "industry"?
363
00:13:21,270 --> 00:13:23,400
And, to a lesser extent,
364
00:13:23,399 --> 00:13:26,159
what do you mean,
"showcase"?
365
00:13:29,078 --> 00:13:30,248
Okay. This is what
The Royal Academy
366
00:13:30,247 --> 00:13:31,667
of Dramatic Arts refers to
367
00:13:31,667 --> 00:13:33,417
as shitting the bed.
Guys,
368
00:13:33,419 --> 00:13:36,469
do you understand
what a big opportunity this is?
369
00:13:36,467 --> 00:13:40,227
This showcase‐‐you're gonna
get to act in front of agents.
370
00:13:40,225 --> 00:13:42,555
I can't even get a prostitute
to watch me jerk off
371
00:13:42,564 --> 00:13:44,534
even though it says that's
specifically what I wanted
372
00:13:44,526 --> 00:13:46,656
in my profile.
That's right, I asked for
373
00:13:46,655 --> 00:13:48,905
the Wolf Blitzer,
and I'm not ashamed.
374
00:13:48,909 --> 00:13:51,789
All right, sit down.
Next, Mousy and Needy.
375
00:13:51,790 --> 00:13:53,460
Get up here and slate.
376
00:13:56,173 --> 00:13:57,473
Hi. My name is
Beth Calliber,
377
00:13:57,467 --> 00:13:59,257
currently self‐represented,
378
00:13:59,263 --> 00:14:01,563
and this is a scene
from the Aaron Sorkin movie,
379
00:14:01,560 --> 00:14:03,100
"Shut Up, Lady,
I Have An Idea."
380
00:14:03,104 --> 00:14:05,034
Already bored. Go.
381
00:14:05,025 --> 00:14:07,735
Here's what you don't
understand about rape culture.
382
00:14:07,739 --> 00:14:10,749
Maybe you don't think
it's important, Jane,
383
00:14:10,745 --> 00:14:12,365
but it is.
384
00:14:12,372 --> 00:14:14,132
Um...Mr. Epstein?
385
00:14:14,126 --> 00:14:16,256
My character description says
386
00:14:16,255 --> 00:14:18,755
"Jane, under 40,
British accent."
387
00:14:18,761 --> 00:14:20,681
But I don't have any lines.
388
00:14:20,681 --> 00:14:22,561
I don't know how to nod
with an accent.
389
00:14:22,560 --> 00:14:24,270
Okay. Well, here's
the good news.
390
00:14:24,271 --> 00:14:26,531
Every actor's resume
has a section
391
00:14:26,526 --> 00:14:29,486
called Special Skills,
and on yours you can put,
392
00:14:29,490 --> 00:14:32,750
"Knows how to ruin a scene
without saying a single word."
393
00:14:32,747 --> 00:14:35,207
Continue.
394
00:14:35,210 --> 00:14:37,010
Fucking kids don't deserve
that opportunity.
395
00:14:37,005 --> 00:14:39,465
Fuck them.
Yeah, fuck them raw.
396
00:14:39,468 --> 00:14:41,888
By the way, I'm sorry
I'm smiling like Burke Ramsey
397
00:14:41,890 --> 00:14:43,940
talking to Dr. Phil
about his dead sister.
398
00:14:43,936 --> 00:14:46,066
It's only because I can't not.
I can't believe I have to
399
00:14:46,065 --> 00:14:47,605
sit in the same room
as those agents,
400
00:14:47,610 --> 00:14:49,320
and the kids are the ones
who get to shine.
401
00:14:49,321 --> 00:14:51,371
Well, why don't you just
pull a Tom Cruise?
402
00:14:51,367 --> 00:14:53,747
Have my Scientology slaves
fix my motorcycles?
403
00:14:53,747 --> 00:14:55,577
Wrestle men in their
underpants?
404
00:14:55,584 --> 00:14:57,464
Attack poor Brooke Shields
for taking Wellbutrin?
405
00:14:57,462 --> 00:14:59,472
Eat a‐ssss?
406
00:14:59,466 --> 00:15:01,466
Cast yourself
next to weaker stars
407
00:15:01,470 --> 00:15:03,430
so the audience watches
only you.
408
00:15:03,433 --> 00:15:04,983
Crash their scenes!
409
00:15:04,978 --> 00:15:06,768
That's brilliant!
410
00:15:06,773 --> 00:15:08,693
I will insert myself
into all those kids' scenes!
411
00:15:08,694 --> 00:15:10,664
Those kids suck.
I'll be great.
412
00:15:10,656 --> 00:15:12,326
I'm sorry, why are you standing
413
00:15:12,325 --> 00:15:14,075
like Milania
on the auction block?
414
00:15:14,079 --> 00:15:16,249
Oh! It's because
it hurts to sit down.
415
00:15:16,250 --> 00:15:18,130
But you'd never know
to look at me.
416
00:15:18,129 --> 00:15:19,799
The smile is fucking magic.
417
00:15:19,799 --> 00:15:21,759
I went to pick up
my recap paycheck earlier,
418
00:15:21,762 --> 00:15:23,772
and my editor
was so charmed by me,
419
00:15:23,766 --> 00:15:25,686
he asked me to moderate
a panel of the women
420
00:15:25,686 --> 00:15:27,896
who were on the cover of their
"Women to Watch" issue.
421
00:15:27,899 --> 00:15:30,199
Women to watch?
Like in an Erin Andrews way?
422
00:15:30,195 --> 00:15:31,905
I don't give a shit.
If I do a good job
423
00:15:31,907 --> 00:15:33,537
hosting this panel,
next year they might even
424
00:15:33,535 --> 00:15:34,695
put me on the list.
425
00:15:34,704 --> 00:15:36,924
Smiling.
Who knew?
426
00:15:36,917 --> 00:15:38,337
Oh, I forgot to tell you
the best part.
427
00:15:38,336 --> 00:15:40,126
I went to Dunkin' Donuts
earlier,
428
00:15:40,131 --> 00:15:42,721
and the guy gave me
six free yesterday's holes.
429
00:15:42,720 --> 00:15:44,310
You sure he wasn't
just throwing them away
430
00:15:44,306 --> 00:15:45,936
Have a dozen of one,
431
00:15:45,935 --> 00:15:47,515
six free yesterday's holes
of the other!
432
00:15:47,522 --> 00:15:49,112
Check it out.
Free donuts.
433
00:15:49,108 --> 00:15:51,278
I must document
this blessed event.
434
00:15:52,615 --> 00:15:54,485
Are we talking about things
we shot on our phones?
435
00:15:54,493 --> 00:15:57,293
Nate, if you please.
Thank you for asking.
436
00:15:57,290 --> 00:16:01,420
I did just finish editing my
"To Catch A Predator" audition.
437
00:16:01,423 --> 00:16:02,553
Watch.
438
00:16:02,552 --> 00:16:04,682
Knock, knock.
I'm here.
439
00:16:04,681 --> 00:16:07,391
Hi, mister!
Gee, you're even hotter
440
00:16:07,394 --> 00:16:09,234
than you were
in the pics you sent.
441
00:16:09,231 --> 00:16:11,861
I made some cookies with
my 13‐year‐old little hands.
442
00:16:11,862 --> 00:16:13,532
Do you wanna fuck me now?
Jesus, Matthew!
443
00:16:13,532 --> 00:16:15,542
I'm uncomfortable.
Do I say the thing
444
00:16:15,536 --> 00:16:17,036
about how we caught you yet?
'Cause I got a date to get to.
445
00:16:17,038 --> 00:16:19,168
Lola, no improv.
Ugh!
446
00:16:21,046 --> 00:16:22,876
[Cockney accent]
'Ello, mister!
447
00:16:22,884 --> 00:16:25,434
Boy, you're even 'otter
than in the pics you sent.
448
00:16:25,430 --> 00:16:27,270
[continues in background]
It's good...
449
00:16:27,267 --> 00:16:29,017
And important.
450
00:16:29,021 --> 00:16:30,861
Do you wanna
fuck me now?
451
00:16:30,858 --> 00:16:31,938
[knock on door]
452
00:16:33,154 --> 00:16:35,834
Mom?
What are you doing here?
453
00:16:35,826 --> 00:16:37,746
Oh, I know.
You probably came by
454
00:16:37,747 --> 00:16:40,247
to make sure I used your
money to freeze my eggs.
455
00:16:40,251 --> 00:16:43,421
Normally, what you said
would make me very defensive,
456
00:16:43,424 --> 00:16:45,854
but there's something
about your friendliness
457
00:16:45,846 --> 00:16:48,766
and exquisite posture
that puts my mind at ease.
458
00:16:48,769 --> 00:16:51,479
That said, I wouldn't hate
seeing a receipt.
459
00:16:51,482 --> 00:16:54,572
Actually, I have something
better than a receipt.
460
00:16:54,572 --> 00:16:57,332
Photographic evidence.
461
00:16:57,327 --> 00:16:58,787
Check this out.
462
00:17:01,210 --> 00:17:02,800
Oh, Julie.
463
00:17:02,797 --> 00:17:04,837
There are so many!
I know!
464
00:17:04,842 --> 00:17:07,812
I bet you can't wait to curl up
with these little munchkins.
465
00:17:07,807 --> 00:17:09,477
I'm sorry I was so suspicious.
466
00:17:09,476 --> 00:17:11,436
You know, I was just
on my way to Shelley's
467
00:17:11,438 --> 00:17:13,228
to give her this.
468
00:17:13,234 --> 00:17:15,114
Her daughter‐in‐law's
expecting again, but...
469
00:17:15,113 --> 00:17:16,663
I want you to have it.
470
00:17:16,658 --> 00:17:18,868
And every time
you look at that rattle,
471
00:17:18,870 --> 00:17:21,840
I want you to say,
"I remember that once
472
00:17:21,835 --> 00:17:24,715
I made my mother very happy."
473
00:17:24,716 --> 00:17:27,466
Thanks, Mom.
I'll treasure it forever.
474
00:17:27,470 --> 00:17:29,180
I don't know what is
responsible
475
00:17:29,182 --> 00:17:31,482
for your beautiful new smile,
but baby girl,
476
00:17:31,478 --> 00:17:32,978
I hope it never wears off.
477
00:17:32,982 --> 00:17:34,532
Wears off?
478
00:17:34,527 --> 00:17:36,277
How much Cinderestylox
will this get me?
479
00:17:36,280 --> 00:17:38,030
It's real silver.
[jingling]
480
00:17:38,034 --> 00:17:39,794
MAN: Please welcome
the moderator
481
00:17:39,787 --> 00:17:43,167
of this year's panel,
Julie Kessler.
482
00:17:47,010 --> 00:17:49,310
[audience gasps, murmurs]
483
00:17:53,272 --> 00:17:54,782
We have quite the industry
484
00:17:54,776 --> 00:17:56,696
audience here today.
I see that.
485
00:17:56,696 --> 00:17:58,526
And they're in for
a real treat.
486
00:17:58,533 --> 00:18:00,453
I took the liberty
of rewriting some of the scenes
487
00:18:00,453 --> 00:18:02,043
to showcase the strengths
of the class.
488
00:18:02,040 --> 00:18:03,750
I knew you were
a natural teacher.
489
00:18:03,752 --> 00:18:05,302
Yeah. I'm like
Mary Kay Letourneau
490
00:18:05,296 --> 00:18:07,086
if she ever figured out
her haircut.
491
00:18:07,092 --> 00:18:09,222
Happy 45h anniversary.
492
00:18:09,221 --> 00:18:11,731
So far from the job,
from the kids...
493
00:18:11,726 --> 00:18:13,806
I've never felt closer
to you.
494
00:18:15,149 --> 00:18:17,239
Mom...
495
00:18:17,237 --> 00:18:18,407
Dad.
496
00:18:18,406 --> 00:18:20,116
[audience whispering]
497
00:18:20,118 --> 00:18:22,118
I'm gay.
498
00:18:22,122 --> 00:18:24,752
How‐‐
Please don't react!
499
00:18:24,752 --> 00:18:27,512
This has been bottling up
in me a long time,
500
00:18:27,508 --> 00:18:28,968
and I have a lot to say
and sing
501
00:18:28,969 --> 00:18:30,429
about how I feel.
502
00:18:30,430 --> 00:18:32,310
Did the party start
without me?
503
00:18:32,308 --> 00:18:33,848
[chair thuds]
504
00:18:33,854 --> 00:18:36,994
How's everyone doing?
505
00:18:36,985 --> 00:18:39,445
Didn't get the invite, huh?
506
00:18:39,448 --> 00:18:41,238
Why? Because you think
I need this?
507
00:18:41,243 --> 00:18:43,793
I don't need this.
I want this!
508
00:18:43,790 --> 00:18:45,630
I want this!
509
00:18:46,838 --> 00:18:48,468
And you mock me!
510
00:18:48,466 --> 00:18:50,176
♪ His name was Peter ♪
511
00:18:51,765 --> 00:18:53,765
♪ There was...a garden ♪
512
00:18:55,271 --> 00:18:56,941
♪ It was the summer ♪
513
00:18:58,402 --> 00:19:01,282
♪ I was aliiiive ♪
514
00:19:01,283 --> 00:19:04,163
I have the letters!
I have the bills!
515
00:19:04,164 --> 00:19:06,294
I have your paychecks!
I have the will!
516
00:19:06,293 --> 00:19:08,383
I have the death certificate,
Karen!
517
00:19:08,380 --> 00:19:11,600
♪ There were no women ♪
518
00:19:11,596 --> 00:19:14,266
♪ It was amazing ♪
519
00:19:14,267 --> 00:19:17,437
♪ Why couldn't there be
no women ♪
520
00:19:17,440 --> 00:19:21,240
♪ All the time? ♪
521
00:19:21,240 --> 00:19:22,620
[applause]
522
00:19:22,618 --> 00:19:24,198
[audience cheering]
523
00:19:24,204 --> 00:19:26,044
Bravo! My boy.
524
00:19:32,972 --> 00:19:34,602
Thank you, everyone,
for coming.
525
00:19:34,600 --> 00:19:36,140
Please, let's have another
round of applause
526
00:19:36,144 --> 00:19:38,154
for my protégée Billy Epstein.
527
00:19:38,148 --> 00:19:39,148
I taught him
everything he knows!
528
00:19:39,150 --> 00:19:40,610
[loud cheers]
529
00:19:42,448 --> 00:19:43,988
[mouthing]
530
00:19:43,994 --> 00:19:45,964
Every agent here
wants to meet you.
531
00:19:45,956 --> 00:19:47,246
You're welcome.
532
00:19:47,250 --> 00:19:48,750
Bravo!
533
00:19:48,753 --> 00:19:50,723
Okay, another piece
of cake.
534
00:19:50,716 --> 00:19:52,756
Don't tell your dad.
535
00:19:52,761 --> 00:19:54,221
Marilyn!
536
00:19:54,222 --> 00:19:55,932
Did you get enough
birthday cake
537
00:19:55,934 --> 00:19:57,354
to push around your plate
538
00:19:57,353 --> 00:19:58,733
to pretend like
you're eating it?
539
00:19:58,732 --> 00:20:00,782
I certainly did, Shelley.
540
00:20:00,777 --> 00:20:02,527
You seem like
you're in a good mood.
541
00:20:02,531 --> 00:20:04,661
My daughter and I are
finally getting along
542
00:20:04,660 --> 00:20:06,500
since she froze her eggs.
543
00:20:06,496 --> 00:20:09,336
I'm gonna get that grandchild
glow someday.
544
00:20:09,336 --> 00:20:11,626
Oh, no!
545
00:20:11,633 --> 00:20:13,763
Did you hurt yourself again?
546
00:20:13,762 --> 00:20:15,642
You know kids.
547
00:20:15,641 --> 00:20:18,231
They're always falling down
and skinning their necks.
548
00:20:18,228 --> 00:20:20,528
Mom, it's over.
Officers!
549
00:20:20,525 --> 00:20:22,655
What's over?
You've been using
550
00:20:22,655 --> 00:20:24,775
your granddaughter
to harvest stem cells.
551
00:20:24,784 --> 00:20:26,624
How did you find out?
552
00:20:26,621 --> 00:20:28,631
I mean‐‐What are you
talking about?
553
00:20:28,625 --> 00:20:30,665
This sick bitch has been
bringing my daughter
554
00:20:30,671 --> 00:20:33,131
to a sketchy med spa
where they extract stem cells
555
00:20:33,133 --> 00:20:35,433
from the back of her neck and
inject it into my mom's face.
556
00:20:35,429 --> 00:20:38,269
It's called a BYO stem cell
face lift.
557
00:20:38,268 --> 00:20:40,358
And there's no down time?
558
00:20:40,356 --> 00:20:43,106
Not jail!
Not now!
559
00:20:43,112 --> 00:20:48,082
Your pig wife in incubating
a whole new geyser of collagen!
560
00:20:48,080 --> 00:20:50,330
No! No!
[police radio chatter]
561
00:20:50,334 --> 00:20:51,714
No!
562
00:20:51,713 --> 00:20:53,683
[lisping] My next question
563
00:20:53,675 --> 00:20:55,425
is for Violet Schekter.
564
00:20:55,428 --> 00:20:58,308
Violet, what made you decide
to write and direct
565
00:20:58,308 --> 00:21:01,268
a feature‐length film
about your childhood?
566
00:21:01,273 --> 00:21:03,573
I felt like it was
a survivor's story
567
00:21:03,570 --> 00:21:05,360
that needed to be told.
568
00:21:05,364 --> 00:21:07,954
Like most writers,
I grew up in a lot of pain.
569
00:21:07,953 --> 00:21:09,713
I hear that.
570
00:21:09,707 --> 00:21:11,787
Excuse me.
Are you making fun of me?
571
00:21:11,794 --> 00:21:14,304
'Cause you seem sarcastic.
Oh!
572
00:21:14,299 --> 00:21:16,679
Nothing could be further
from the truth.
573
00:21:16,679 --> 00:21:19,229
Well, you smiled all through
Stacy's story,
574
00:21:19,225 --> 00:21:21,015
and how her symphony
was inspired
575
00:21:21,021 --> 00:21:22,781
by her father's stroke.
576
00:21:22,775 --> 00:21:26,275
That's not fair.
Her dad's story really moved me.
577
00:21:26,281 --> 00:21:29,541
When she talked about how her
dad lost his motor skills,
578
00:21:29,538 --> 00:21:31,538
I almost cried!
579
00:21:32,502 --> 00:21:33,552
Ugh!
[audience reaction]
580
00:21:33,546 --> 00:21:35,086
Fuck you!
581
00:21:35,091 --> 00:21:36,591
What?
You are clearly
582
00:21:36,594 --> 00:21:39,644
making fun of her dad!
I just spilled!
583
00:21:39,642 --> 00:21:41,772
What is wrong with you, Julie?
This isn't a joke.
584
00:21:41,771 --> 00:21:43,321
I'm not joking!
585
00:21:43,315 --> 00:21:45,735
I'm not a joker.
I'm not the Joker!
586
00:21:45,737 --> 00:21:48,197
[audience booing]
Why so serious?
587
00:21:48,200 --> 00:21:50,660
Arthur, is the second brownie
batch almost ready?
588
00:21:50,664 --> 00:21:52,504
You'll know when you
hear the timer.
589
00:21:52,500 --> 00:21:54,880
I have feelings
that I need to conceal with food
590
00:21:54,880 --> 00:21:57,180
because my face
isn't doing its job.
591
00:21:57,176 --> 00:22:00,176
How long is this stupid smile
supposed to last?
592
00:22:00,182 --> 00:22:01,892
I thought the point of
Cinderestylox
593
00:22:01,894 --> 00:22:03,694
was it was temporary.
Yeah. So did I.
594
00:22:03,690 --> 00:22:05,740
Well, according to the
website, in some cases,
595
00:22:05,735 --> 00:22:08,365
Cinderestylox can cause...
596
00:22:08,365 --> 00:22:10,615
What?
597
00:22:10,620 --> 00:22:12,580
Nothing. Not every website
is right.
598
00:22:12,583 --> 00:22:14,133
I'm sure you'll be fine.
I just feel like
599
00:22:14,127 --> 00:22:15,587
such an idiot
for having done this.
600
00:22:15,589 --> 00:22:17,089
Oh, no, no, no.
601
00:22:17,091 --> 00:22:19,261
But, uh, just don't
let me pitch you
602
00:22:19,262 --> 00:22:21,312
any more work ideas until
you have full control
603
00:22:21,308 --> 00:22:23,518
of your facial expressions.
Why not? What happened?
604
00:22:23,521 --> 00:22:26,571
Oh...your smile
gave me false confidence.
605
00:22:26,569 --> 00:22:28,619
Keith Olbermann
hated all my ideas.
606
00:22:28,615 --> 00:22:30,695
It took him 6 1/2 hours
to tell me why.
607
00:22:30,702 --> 00:22:32,542
[knock on door]
The good news is
608
00:22:32,539 --> 00:22:34,879
he ran out the clock,
and he's A&E's problem now.
609
00:22:36,338 --> 00:22:37,338
Yes. Hi.
Hi.
610
00:22:37,340 --> 00:22:38,930
Um‐‐
611
00:22:38,927 --> 00:22:41,467
Hey, Julie,
I'm sorry to interrupt,
612
00:22:41,473 --> 00:22:43,693
but your gay butler
let me in.
613
00:22:43,686 --> 00:22:46,816
So...kind of a weird
thing happened.
614
00:22:46,817 --> 00:22:48,817
Oh, no!
The delivery guy
615
00:22:48,821 --> 00:22:51,281
said you refused to sign but
that you kept the toilet anyway.
616
00:22:51,284 --> 00:22:54,884
[snorting]
What a crazy stupid idiot!
617
00:22:54,875 --> 00:22:58,755
Another bald‐faced lie
from the delivery guy.
618
00:22:58,758 --> 00:23:00,548
[ding]
619
00:23:01,388 --> 00:23:03,848
Brownies are ready.
Is something wrong
620
00:23:03,851 --> 00:23:05,191
with your face?
No! Of course not.
621
00:23:05,187 --> 00:23:06,477
Nothing's wrong with my face.
622
00:23:06,481 --> 00:23:08,701
Did you take my toilet?
623
00:23:08,695 --> 00:23:10,065
[ding]
624
00:23:12,995 --> 00:23:14,995
No!
625
00:23:14,999 --> 00:23:16,589
You're lying!
626
00:23:16,585 --> 00:23:18,585
I'm taking what's mine!
No!
627
00:23:18,589 --> 00:23:20,679
Lizzie, please!
628
00:23:20,677 --> 00:23:21,927
The Fat Freeze worked!
629
00:23:21,929 --> 00:23:23,769
I can finally fit on the seat!
630
00:23:23,766 --> 00:23:26,186
Don't take it now!
I've got the golden toilet!
631
00:23:26,187 --> 00:23:29,187
["I've Got a GoldenTicket" plays]
632
00:23:29,193 --> 00:23:31,573
I just have to teach
one more class,
633
00:23:31,574 --> 00:23:33,624
and then I have enough
for Madonna tickets.
634
00:23:33,619 --> 00:23:35,709
Apparently, the first three
rows get Gallagher‐style tarps,
635
00:23:35,707 --> 00:23:37,627
so she must be smashing
something.
636
00:23:37,627 --> 00:23:39,627
What a perfect way
to celebrate killing
637
00:23:39,631 --> 00:23:42,011
at a student showcase, plus
you have five agency meetings!
638
00:23:42,011 --> 00:23:44,311
I kinda feel guilty
for all those young actors,
639
00:23:44,307 --> 00:23:46,057
but now they
know what it's like
640
00:23:46,061 --> 00:23:47,401
to take advantage
of a show business opportunity.
641
00:23:47,396 --> 00:23:48,476
"Teach the children well,"
642
00:23:48,482 --> 00:23:50,192
sang David Crosby.
643
00:23:50,194 --> 00:23:51,914
And then he ejaculated
into a turkey baster,
644
00:23:51,906 --> 00:23:53,946
and suddenly
Melissa Etheridge was a mother.
645
00:23:53,951 --> 00:23:55,451
Aw.
This is how I find out
646
00:23:55,454 --> 00:23:57,084
I didn't get
"To Catch A Predator"?
647
00:23:57,083 --> 00:23:59,053
They put a clip
from tonight's premiere
648
00:23:59,045 --> 00:24:02,175
on "Dlisted", and look at the
cow they cast as the bait.
649
00:24:02,176 --> 00:24:04,966
I mean, clearly, they went
in a different direction.
650
00:24:04,973 --> 00:24:07,523
Come on in.
I've got some hot cookies
651
00:24:07,521 --> 00:24:09,731
and lemonade.
Say, my parents aren't home.
652
00:24:09,733 --> 00:24:11,323
Is that okay with you?
653
00:24:11,319 --> 00:24:13,529
Oh. Oh, that's just fine.
654
00:24:13,533 --> 00:24:16,713
Holy shit. It's Mr. Passias!
What?
655
00:24:16,705 --> 00:24:19,205
Do mind if I, uh,
take off my pants?
656
00:24:19,210 --> 00:24:22,470
You know...
in the days of Socrates,
657
00:24:22,466 --> 00:24:24,636
everyone would just‐‐
658
00:24:27,143 --> 00:24:28,863
Oh! Chris Hansen.
659
00:24:28,855 --> 00:24:31,225
They don't even hook up!
660
00:24:31,234 --> 00:24:33,704
What a stupid show.
You know what?
661
00:24:33,698 --> 00:24:35,988
I'm gonna go roller skate
myself into a better mood.
662
00:24:35,994 --> 00:24:37,834
Julie‐‐
I know, I know, this is bad.
663
00:24:37,831 --> 00:24:40,091
Okay, clearly, the Greekling
School is no more‐‐
664
00:24:40,085 --> 00:24:41,875
But the Greeklings‐‐
But you'll still find a way
665
00:24:41,881 --> 00:24:43,761
to pay for those Madonna
tickets.
666
00:24:43,759 --> 00:24:46,059
Plus, you're getting an agent
out of this whole thing.
667
00:24:46,055 --> 00:24:47,675
No, I'm not!
668
00:24:47,684 --> 00:24:49,654
Passias told that whole
roomful of agents
669
00:24:49,646 --> 00:24:51,856
that I'm his protégé and that he
taught me everything I know.
670
00:24:51,859 --> 00:24:53,909
I'm not getting anything
out of this.
671
00:24:53,905 --> 00:24:56,195
And I lost my golden
toilet seat!
672
00:24:56,201 --> 00:24:57,791
Now that I can't get any more
Cinderestylox,
673
00:24:57,787 --> 00:24:59,627
we're never gonna smile again.
674
00:25:01,211 --> 00:25:03,381
Oh...oh...oh...oh!
675
00:25:03,381 --> 00:25:04,381
[crash, glass shatters]
676
00:25:04,383 --> 00:25:06,143
MAN: Oh!
677
00:25:06,137 --> 00:25:08,937
♪ Thought it'd be easy ♪
678
00:25:08,935 --> 00:25:11,435
♪ Thought they didn't know ♪
679
00:25:11,439 --> 00:25:15,279
♪ You thought it was
the only way to go ♪
680
00:25:15,280 --> 00:25:16,780
♪ ♪
681
00:25:16,784 --> 00:25:18,874
♪ Another way out ♪
682
00:25:18,871 --> 00:25:21,631
♪ Found on the way home ♪
683
00:25:21,627 --> 00:25:23,127
♪ Thought you were living fast ♪
684
00:25:23,129 --> 00:25:26,179
♪ But you were living slow ♪
685
00:25:26,177 --> 00:25:33,187
♪ ♪
686
00:25:40,748 --> 00:25:41,998
MAN: La la la.
687
00:25:42,001 --> 00:25:43,711
Oh, my God.
50289
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