All language subtitles for Difficult.People.S02E08_English

- Great show.

- Right?
It was amazing.

Cheers.
- Cheers.

- You know,
when you first told me

that youd booked us
to do an alternative comedy show

that started at midnight,

I was certain
youd had a stroke.

- Of genius.
We totally killed.

And its all thanks
to Shonda Rhimes.

You know how Shonda Rhimes wrote
that book "The Year of Yes,"

about how she said yes
to every opportunity?

- You read that?

- I read the Amazon review,

and I got the gist,

and I was inspired.

- So this is your year of yes?

- Well, its my week of yes,
but its working so far.

I mean, we did the show,
and it went well.

- Julie, Billy, I had to come
meet you guys after that set.

- Oh, my God, Method Man?

- Holy shit!
- We love you.

- And I love to laugh.

Heres who makes me laugh,
you two,

and Bonnie Hunt.

- Thank you.

- Hey, can we hang out
sometimes?

- Yes, yes, yes.
- Yeah, of course, anytime.

- Heres my email.

- MethodMan@TheMysteries
ofLauraForever. com.

- I love that fucking show.

Ill holler.

both: Method Man
is our first famous friend!

[driving punk rock music]

♪ ♪

- Oh, my God, Billy,

did you see the cover of
Todays "New York Post"?

Theres no headline
or anything.

Its just a picture
of a toilet.

- Arent you supposed to be
having lunch with your mom?

- Well, in the spirit of
"My Year of No"

by Nonda Rhimes,
I blew her off

because Im in too good of
a mood to deal with her.

I just found tickets for
"#Cats" on Craigslist.

- Holy shit,
those are hard to get.

- I do not approve
of all these Broadway reboots.

I mean, do we need
an all-white "Dreamgirls"?

Yes, but Paula Deen
cant sing.

- Well, this is
gonna be amazing.

Grumpy Cat is a character,

and naturally Sasha Grey
is playing Grizabella.

Im already squirming
in my seat.

- Wow, not since Gina Gershons
star turn in "Bye Bye Birdie"

has the town been
so loudly ambivalent.

- And youre coming
with me, right?

- Shit, I wish I could.
I have another thing.

Dont hate me,
but its exercise-related.

Its Felix.

- The cartoon cat
with the bag of tricks?

- No, its my new trainer,
Felix.

- Uh, how can you
afford a trainer?

- And wouldnt that money
be better spent

on real shoes
or a blouse that fits?

- Oh, ka-zing!
Yes, honey!

- Matthew, why couldnt you
have been on Flight 93?

- No, its actually
not that expensive

because Felix trains me
in his apartment.

- Well, then who am I gonna
take to "#Cats"?

[sighs]

I guess Ill force Arthur
to come with me.

[phone buzzes]
Ohh!

I just got a test
from the Craigslist guy.

He said hes giving me
the friend rate

and knocking $50 off
the price of tickets.

- Wow, maybe you two
will become actual friends.

- Well, I mean,
hes still charging me.

And as long as theres
a financial transaction,

its not a real friendship.

- I think I could be
friends with Felix,

even if he wasnt my trainer.

- No, no, thats
the girlfriend experience,

which Sasha Grey could
tell you all about,

but not tonight
because shell be onstage

belting "Memory."

- Sasha Grey,
so sad to go from doing porn

to something as degrading
as "Entourage."

[rock music]

- Chad, thank you so much
for fitting me in last minute.

- No, its my pleasure.
I love seeing you.

♪ Marilyn is
my favorite client ♪

- Oh, yeah,
Ive heard that one.

"Youre my favorite patient."

Then youtell them you dont
accept their insurance.

- Oh, stop, you are a panic.

- Really, Im sorry
for no notice.

Ugh, my daughter
cancelled on me once again

because she wanted to hang out
with her gay best friend.

- Well, to be fair, gay
best friends usually do trump

all other plans for a gal that
dont involve getting fucked.

- [laughs]

Wish I had a gay best friend.

- Cheer up, buttercup.
Ill be your bestie.

- Plus, I hear gays are
really great listeners.

So we have that in common.

- Turn around, bright eyes.

Ta-da!
- [gasps]

I could stand Julie up
and hang out with you.

- Thats right,
and then well show her

a thing or two
about a thing or two.

- Really?
Youll do this?

- You had me at
"Keep the shampooers tip.

I dont like her attitude."

- That was years ago.
Weve come so far.

- Oh, you want to hear a funny
story about coming so far?

Last night I was
watching "Modern Family."

Phil Dunphy was shirtless.
- Yeah?

- Long story short,
I ruined a wall sconce.

Pew!

- Jesus, Chad.

JULIE: So wait, Method Man,

you really want
to pitch a show with us?

- Judd Apatow
has Lena Dunham, right?

Ira Glass has
Mike Birbiglia, right?

And now Method Mans gonna
have Julie and Billy.

- Oh, my God,
are you serious?

Im so happy
I cant feel my limbs.

Although that could
also be a side effect

of my new antidepressants.

- [imitates gunshot]

You cant not be funny.

So what kinda TV
you guys want to do?

Sitcom, talk show,

maybe one of those
streaming joints

that claims to be a comedy
but no one on the staff

truly knows
how to write a joke

even if you put
a gun to their head?

- Julie and I have been talking
a lot about sketch.

- Sketch comedy, love it.

Ill have my reps put together
some network pitch meetings.

- Wow.

- Hey, you guys want to get
some dinner later?

- I wish I could.
I have my trainer.

- Ah, no dinner.

- And I got tickets to see
"#Cats."

- "#Cats."
Say word.

- Yeah.

[rock music]

- All right, Billy,
feeling good?

- Yeah, Im ready.
Lets do this.

- Okay.

Why dont we start
with a weighted squat?

- Okay, fine.

Small, no?

All right.

- Delicious.
Good one.

All right, lets move on.

- Wait, I only did one rep.

- I have
a very specific process.

We do frequent
micro-intervals.

I swear youre gonna see
amazing results.

- Awesome.

- All right, lets stretch it
out with a roller.

- But I didnt do anything.

- Okay, how bout instead
of you criticizing yourself,

you trust me?

And you start
feeling really good

about the changes youve
already started making.

- Okay, yeah.

I mean, its hard, you know?

When you grow up a fat kid,

youre always a fat kid.

I cut out sugar this week.

And white flour after eight.

Well, ten.

Well, 12:30 if theres
a good "Colbert."

- You know what would
make this a lot easier?

If you upgrade
to my meal plan.

- Oh, that sounds expensive.

- It is, but if youre
doing micro-intervals,

you gotta confuse your body

with a four-five-two-three-one
ratio of fats, proteins,

ketones, lipids
and amino acids.

- Okay.
- How bout this?

Ill let you try it
for a week for free.

- Wow, really?

Man, I feel like Im getting
paid to get leaner.

Like Carrie Fisher,
who makes me sad.

[rock music]

- Julie?
- James from Craigslist?

- Yeah, yeah.
You could just call me James.

- [laughs]

- Uh, here are the tickets.

- Ah, Im so excited!
Thank you so much!

- Yeah, no problem.
- And here is the cash.

- Fantastic.
- Can we hug?

- I know its weird, but--
- Okay.

- Thank you again.
- No problem.

All right, have a good one.
- You too.

- Enjoy the show.
- Thank you.

[beeps]
- Sorry, maam,

theres something wrong
with your tickets.

- What are you talking about?

My friend James
sold these to me.

Theyre fine.

[beeps]
- Yeah, it looks like

your friend James sold you
some fraudulent tickets.

- What?
- [laughs]

Bitch, youve been scammed.

- Hi, James,
its Julie Kessler,

from Craigslist.
Remember me?

You fucking scammed me,
you piece of shit!

I will never leave you alone
until you pay me back.

You fucked with
the wrong bitch, James!

I dont have a real job,

and Im very good
at holding grudges.

Okay, fuck you, bye.

- You know what, noodles,
third time was the charm.

I think that voicemail
evened out the karma.

- No, Im not done with him.

I am never leaving him alone

until he pays me back,
kills himself or both.

Im gonna leave him
another voicemail.

What can I say
thats gonna hurt him most?

I want him to suffer.

And I want to be the one
that causes it.

This must be what its like
to be Ryan Murphy

in the "American Horror Story"
writers room.

- Hmm.

- Julie, you should know
better than that.

Ryan Murphy is never in
the "American Horror Story"

writers room.

Im not even sure
there is one.

- Hey, are you okay?

You seem a little
out of it.

- Yeah, Im fine.
I dont know.

My trainer keeps feeding me
all this heavy food.

Apparently its in
the right ratio, I dont know.

All I know is its
a lot of goose fat.

But its my year of yes,

so Im just gonna
keep saying yes

in the hopes that I too
one day create "Greys Anatomy."

both: Method Man!

- Theres my superstars.
Whats good?

- Yay!

- First network pitch.

- Yes, sir.

So tell me,
how was "#Cats"?

- So listen to this,
youre a rapper.

You know about injustice
and being fucked over, right?

I bought fake tickets.

- Get the fuck outta here.

So you never got in
to see the show?

- No, no,
they turned me away

like some disgusting
tourist wearing flip-flops.

- Although the way people
dress for the theater nowadays,

you probably could have
got in dressed like that.

- Shit!
Now Im mad about that.

Im gonna leave this guy
another voicemail.

Hold on.

Hey, cocksucker,
its me again.

- Folks, were ready for you.

- Hello, hello, hello.

- Hey, hey, how are you?
- Hi, good to see--

- Hey, guys.

- Hey.

- Hey, hey, hey.

- Oh.

- All right.

- Method Man.

Method to his Man-ness.

Double-M, oh!

We here at The Peacock,

we love you,
and we love Wu.

- And I love Julie and Billy.

JULIE: So Im just gonna
cut to the chase.

What were proposing
is a sketch show,

starring us, on NBC.

Now, I know what
youre thinking.

NBC already has
"Saturday Night Live."

But does it?

- Julie and I want to do
a show like "Key and Peele,"

except were not black
or even bi-racial.

- Not even a little bit.
- No, I think all four

of our biological parents
come from the shetl

in Lithuania or Belarus.

- Yeah, genetically Billy and I
are pretty pure, you know?

Which is ironic.

- Yeah, I mean, in terms
of Hitlers goals.

- Ah, ah, ah,
flag on the field.

Hitlers a little
problematic for us.

Does he have to be
a character?

all: Yes.

- I get it, I get it,
I get it, I get it, I love it.

And I love the two of you.

- Really?
- Ah, thank you.

- Wow, great, thanks.
- Thats awesome.

- I am unfortunately
gonna have to pass though.

Just a hard pass right here
in the room right now.

- The fuck?
- Well, um--hmm.

I will level with you.

NBC is currently rethinking

its commitment to comedy

in the way that you decide
to take a break from an ex

who has already dumped you.

But this has been
a lot of fun.

If you could just leave
your unopened waters

with Kathleen,
thatd be great.

- Fuck NBC.

Well go sell our show
somewhere else.

- Is this Shonda Rhimes
or Billy Epstein talking?

Come on, lets go get pizza.

- All right,
Ill walk with you,

cause I actually brought
my own lunch.

My trainers making me
all my meals this week for free.

- He wants to fuck you.
- No, please.

If he wanted to fuck me, he
wouldnt have to give me food.

Besides, hes straight.

I think he just wants
to be my friend.

- Billy, I promise you,
theres no such thing

as being friends with someone
you are employing.

Have we learning nothing from
Tom Cruise and Kate Holmes?

- Well, it might be cool
to make the leap

from trainer to friend.

It wouldnt be
the worst thing in the world

for me to have
a second friend.

- But all the lights were off,
so it wouldnt matter anyway.

- Is that my mom?

- Yeah, and why is she here
with the real life Matt Damon

from "Behind the Candelabra"?

JULIE: I think thats
her hairdresser.

- Ooh, thats the type
of guy that exists

only to let you know youve
walked into the wrong bar.

- Hi, Mom.
Oh, so sorry to interrupt.

- Julie, what are you
doing here?

- Well, you and I
had lunch plans,

and then you cancelled,
and yet here you sit.

- [chuckles]
My gay bestie, Chad, and I

decided wed come here,
sit on our asses

and make fun of
everybody walking by.

Sound familiar?
- Got it, all right.

Well, have fun, you two.
- Wait.

How does it feel
to be stood up

by someone whod rather
hang out with their gay BFF?

- Really, Mom?
Is that what this is about?

Fine, but just remember,
he cant be your real friend

as long as
youre still paying him.

- Honey, if I were being paid,

I would be on all-fours

with a ball gag
in my male vagina.

- No, my best friend
is outrageous!

You are.

Stop.
Stop now.

- Today were
kicking it up a notch

with something called
interval eating.

I need you consuming
small meals frequently

in between spurts
of highly intense workouts.

Go ahead.

- While Im running?
- While youre running.

- Okay, well,
Im in ShondaLand,

so I will say yes to that.

- Great.

Just gotta say, Billy,

I really appreciate
how much you trust me.

- Yeah, sure.

- Hit it.
- Again?

Hey, you maybe want
to hang out sometime,

like when Im not training?

- Its so weird
you said that,

cause I was just thinking
that we should be friends.

Here you go.

But I thought I was maybe
crossing some sort of line.

Why dont you come over
tomorrow night?

I got some friends
coming over.

Itll be chill.
Im cooking a meal.

- Thanks.

Can I bring my friend Julie?

- I cant understand you.

- Can my friend Julie come?

- Oh, absolutely.
Now hit that thing again.

- Again?

- Do you like French fries?

- Now, now--
At the same time?

- Yeah, get it in there.
This is important.

All right, slow it down
a little bit on the workout,

but focus on the eating.
Focus.

- Hey, are you named after
Felix, the cartoon cat

with his bag of tricks?

- I cant understand you.

- Are you named after Felix,

the cartoon cat
with his bag of tricks?

Its too much food.

- Yes.
- Im good.

- Youre still here.

- Oh, thank God.

Detective, please,
help us book this perp.

- Im sorry about your
bad ticket scalping experience,

but Ive got just one
or two more pressing crimes

in New York
that I have to prioritize.

- Oh, yeah?
Well, my jobs hard too, okay?

I had to recap the season
finale of "Jerseylicious,"

and it was a two-parter,

and I only got paid
my regular rate, so...

- Well, heres what I have
to do before the end of my day.

Weve got to ID a headless
corpse and find the killer,

knowing that Robert Durst
was in custody at the time.

Were staking out
a suspected cannibal

in Sunset Park.

And finally we just found out
that the Impractical Jokers

are a front
for a prostitution ring.

So once I deal
with all of that,

Ill look into your tickets.

Have a nice day.

- So, like, Tuesday,
you think maybe?

- Thank you.

Maybe its time you moved on.

- Oh, dont worry.
I already have.

Phase two.

Hi, James.
Its Julie Kessler again.

Remember me,
the girl you scammed?

Well, I just wanted
to let you know.

Those tickets I bought
were for me and my sister,

who has cancer.

Her dying wish
was to see "#Cats,"

but now poor... S. Epatha

is gonna have to pass away
without ever having seen it.

I had a whole evening
planned for us too.

I had a white limo,
a string quartet.

But you ruined it.

Im coming, S. Epatha!

Dont cry.
I know the pain is terrible.

- I cant believe that
you played the cancer card.

- Really?
How long have you known me?

And you thought the cancer card
was at the bottom of the deck?

Honey, we havent
even hit the middle.

- Felix, this place is so
different when its not a gym.

- Oh, totally.

I bet its also super weird
to see me in jeans too,

like when you used to see
your teacher in public.

- Oh, its super hot,
and you have to pretend

that you dont know each other
in front of his wife?

- How bout a tour
of the kitchen?

- Sure.
- Is this a pizza oven?

- Yea, but this ones
higher than normal.

I think it was designed
for calzones.

- Huh, I havent seen a lot
of these gadgets before.

- So, Billy, do you enjoy
training with Felix?

- Oh, yeah, its awesome.

Its like my own personal
"Celebrity Fit Club,"

except I dont have to compete

with Kevin Federline
and Tweedledee.

- Well, Felix enjoys
training you.

- Oh, awesome.

And all of you guys
are trainers or...

- Yes.

Trainer.

- Thats great.

- Whats the deal
with creepy ZZ Top?

- I dont know.
Youre asking creepy ZZ Bottom.

Wait, so what do you think?

You think Felix is a real
friend or a paid-for friend?

- Well, I stand corrected

in that I think
he genuinely likes you.

- See?
- But if this food

is indicative of the meal plan
hes giving you,

I cant see how you could
possibly be losing weight.

- Im not losing weight.
- Right.

- Im gaining,
but Felix says thats because

muscle weighs more than fat.

- Oh, Ive heard
that one before.

That and,
"Keep watching Mad Men.

It gets less boring."

- Okay, this is our
marathon pitch day, all right?

Remember, were gonna see
a ton of networks today.

So we may need to do
a little tailoring on the pitch

depending on where
were at with it.

BILLY: Sure.
- Huh? Huh?

[phone chimes]
Oh, shit.

This is Ghostface.

This better be about
that frittata recipe.

Dingy ass, Ive been hounding
him for about three months.

- Okay, folks, my boss will
be with you in just a moment.

Here are your waters.

- You look familiar.

- Oh, you know what it is?

I used to be
VP of Development at NBC.

Yeah, you guys pitched
for me on Monday.

- Oh.
- Oh, yeah.

- Break a leg.

[rock music]

- Okay, check it out,

our show is gonna punch you,

and then once you pass out

were gonna draw a dick
on your face and take a picture.

- Yeah.
- Its cunty, its bitchy,

its gossipy, cunty fun.

- Theres cunts everywhere!

- This is gonna be animation,

but its also
gonna be live action,

and then its genre.

And heres the thing,
if we dont have a joke,

were just gonna do
something weird.

- Yeah, or random.

Now do you guys vape

or shall I bring out
my clown bong?

Am I a girl?
Yes.

But do I have a filthy mouth?

Why dont you ask my asshole.

And thats our show.

- Starring us.

- Okay, lets shoot a pilot.

both: Really?

- Absolutely,
we here at Al Jazeera

are always looking
for comedy.

both: Really?

- And you two would be
the perfect way

to launch our rebrand.

Al Jazeera America
sadly is no more,

but were relaunching
as Al Jazeera Xtreme.

Its "Xtreme" with an X.

We mean it in
a Mountain Dew way.

Dont worry.

- I love that.
- And we love you!

Billy and Julie,
you are the new face

of Al Jazeera.

[laughter]

- Thank you.
- Gangsta!

- Whoo!

- We are the stars
of Al Jazeera Xtreme!

- Oh, my God!

My first big break,
and my mother can never know.

- I have one extra surprise.

I have VIP tickets

for tonights performance
of "#Cats."

- Oh, my God!
- Ahh! Oh, my God!

Thank you so much.

- Hey, look,
its gonna be me,

you guys, and whoever
yall want to bring.

- Ill bring Felix, my trainer.
- Felix, your friend.

Oh, this is the best.

I cant wait to rub it
in the face of my scammer.

- Listen, Jules,
Ive had beef

with a lot of people
over the years.

But Shonda Rhimes
helped me realize something.

One, that there are limits

to what even Viola Davis
can make seem plausible.

And two, the best way
to say yes to yourself

is to forgive your enemies.

- Thats really good advice.

I needed to hear that.

- Yeah, thats what
friends are for.

- Im gonna
text him right now.

"Hey, James.

"I forgive you.

"Everything worked out,

and Im gonna see
#Cats tonight."

- And dont
that shit feel good?

[upbeat music]

- Here, I made some
caramel corn for the show.

- Oh.
- You see, dressing on the side,

everything worked out.
- I know, right?

Oh, fuck!
Its my Craigslist scammer.

I never should have
sent that last text.

- Oh, forgiveness is such
a rookie mistake.

- Do me a favor, okay?
Get my mom out of this.

She cant know
the sister cancer thing.

- On it.

So excited for this.

- Whos that guy?

- He is some crazy fan

of Julies recaps.

- So hes gay?
Pity.

I was hoping
he was someone viable.

- Always good to see you too,
Marilyn.

- Hello, Arthur.
Wheres my date?

- Julie, I should never
have scammed you.

- Hey, dont worry about it.
Who loves you, baby?

Telly Savalas.
Good-bye forever.

- No, let me just--

Let me make her dream night
come true.

I got the violins,
the limo, everything.

- You know what, you cant.
Its fine.

- Why?

- Because my sister just died.

- Oh, fuck.
- Your sister died?

- From cancer.

- Im so sorry for your loss.

- Thank you.
But you know what?

She wouldnt have wanted
us to be sad.

That wasnt like her.

She would have wanted tonight

to be about celebration
and friendship

and "#Cats."

- God damn right, Jules!

Lets go enjoy "#Cats."

- In her honor.
- In her honor.

- Lets do this.
- Lets do it.

♪ ♪

Was that Method Man?

- Thanks for bringing me
to the show tonight, Julie.

You know what?

I get why
you stand me up sometimes,

because having a gay best friend
really is so special.

[applause]

[upbeat music]

- Ah, here come the kitties.

- Oh!

- Chad-Chad-Chad!

[muffled shouting]

Chad, stop that!

Youre gay.

- Im bi.

- Oh, my God.

Get off her--hey, okay.
[overlapping shouting]

Hey, hey, hey,
get off of her!

Hey, get off of her!

- Okay, fuck this noise.

All right, I dont want
to be in the friend zone,

and Im not gonna sit
through some bullshit musical

if its not gonna get me
any pussy later.

- Oh, youre a monster.
- Give her a break asshole.

Her daughter
just died of cancer.

- Excuse me?

- Ra-roh.

- Whats going on here?

And dont lie to me,
little white lady.

- I made up a lie
about having a sister

with cancer who died

to make my Craigslist
scammer feel bad.

- That takes the cake,
Julie.

- I dont work with liars.

You two can kiss your
Al Jazeera show good-bye.

Get the fuck out of VIP.

- Method Man.
- Al Jazeera?

- Get the fuck
out of my section.

- My God.
- Can we just stay for act one?

BILLY: Lets go.
METHOD MAN: Security!

- Have you been radicalized?

- Were leaving.
- What is going on?

[overlapping talking]

- Move, move,
move, move, move!

Hands up!

You are surrounded.
Do not flee.

- Hold your fire.

James and I are cool now.

- Guys, let me handle this.

- Oh.
- Excuse me.

Detective, theres been
a misunder--

- What?
Whats happening?

JULIE: Ohh!
BILLY: Whats happening?

- Cannibal apprehended!
- What?

Why are you arresting
my trainer?

- Hes a cannibal, son.

- What?

- He eats human flesh.

- I know what a cannibal is.

- We brought down
a ring of them in Sunset Park,

pretending to be trainers.

- Its not fair.

I fattened you.
I can find you.

Dont keep me from my veal!

Look at him.
Hes perfect.

Hes so tall and fat.
You never find that!

Its perfect to cook!

Itll fall
right off the bone

after four hours at 375.

DETECTIVE:
Get him out of here!

FELIX: With carrots
and potatoes!

- Im fat?

- [mouthing words]

Well, I guess the lesson is

you cant be friends
with people you pay.

- Yeah, also
I was almost eaten.

- No wonder I never saw
a lemon zester like that.

Bastard.

- I dont know
what traumatized me more.

Cannibalism, bisexuality,
Al Jazeera.

[sighs]

I feel like I could
use a good shrink.

Its a good thing Im me.

- And now that I think of it,

that Pilates bar
that he was rotating me on

was probably a spit roast.

- Okay, folks, my name
is Kevin, and Ill be--

Wait a second,
I know the two of you.

Youre my friends.

- Oh, no,
were not your friends,

and we dont need
to know your name.

- Kevin, let me ask you
a question.

Hows the veal?

MAN: ♪ Oh ♪

♪ Thought itd be easy ♪

♪ Thought they didnt know ♪

♪ You thought it was
the only way to go ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Another way out ♪

♪ Found on the way home ♪

♪ Thought you were living fast ♪

♪ But you were living slow ♪

♪ ♪