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God almighty, I don't
know what the world's coming to.

Bloody perverts.

You're overreacting, Da.

Overreacting? That lad's got no
trousers on, for Christ sake.

He has a great set of pins on him,
doesn't he?

For God's sake will you close that
window, we're foundered here.

I need aired, Mary.
I've five layers on me.

Five layers? What are you
trying to do? Change race?

Give us a going over
with the hairdryer, will you?

Indeed I will not. I've enough to be
at. Why do they keep

touching themselves? Because they're
artists, Granda.

Dirty English bastards is what they
are. No offence son.

TV: SDLP leader John Hume has again
called for

cross party peace talks...

John's really dying
for peace, like, isn't he?

It's all he ever goes on about.
I hope it works out for him.

Aye, I sort of hope it works
out for all of us, Sarah.

Come on, girls, tome to hit the road
here. You've been

roped into going too then, son?
Roped in? Hardly.

He's riding Gary Barlow.

I am not! I just respect him
as a songwriter, that's all.

Aye, dead on, James, so you do.
Will we need our passports, Gerry?

For Belfast? I don't think so, love.
Belfast! Are we not

a wee bit early, Daddy? It's a two
hour drive with traffic, love.

This thing's in Belfast?! But it's
eight hours till the doors open.

Aye, we're cutting it fine all
right. Belfast! Sure, why don't you

just sell the wains into white
slavery and be done with it?

Gerry'll be with them, Da.
That's worse! Sure, they hate

his kind there. My kind? Pricks.

That is enough!
They're going to the concert, Da.

That's the end of the matter.
TV: And, finally, panic

at Belfast Zoo today when a polar
bear escaped from its enclosure.

The RUC have launched
a widespread search

and have warned residents in
the local area to be extra vigilant.

Now will you see sense? Aye, Granda,
cos an escaped polar bear's

going to track us down and kill us.

As if Mammy's bothered about that.

# Sure, so sure

# Ooh!

♪ Sure, so sure... ♪

Wise up, Mammy! As if a polar bear's
going to rock up

at a Take That concert! He wouldn't
get a ticket, for a start.

They sold out months ago.
You'd be surprised, girls.

Aye, thon boys would get in where
draughts wouldn't.

Sure, the concert's
nowhere near the zoo.

But he's not in the zoo anymore,
is he, simple Simon?

He's sauntering about Belfast
without a care in the world.

Aye, keep up, Gerry. What I'm saying
is, it would be quite

a lot of ground for him to cover.
They're quick on their feet

when they want to be, love. Or
someone might give him a lift.

Whose side are you on, Orla?
Come on, Mary.

If you don't let Erin go, our Mas
won't let us go.

Well, neither they should! And I'll
be ringing them to say as much.

Brilliant! I hate my life.

Look, girls, I know how much you
were all looking forward

to seeing This n' That. TAKE That!
But there'll be other concerts.

No, there won't! The fact that this
one's happening is a miracle.

Nobody good ever comes here cos
we keep killing each other!

And now we're overrun with
polar bears. Where will it end?

SERIOUSLY!

Well, I'm not letting the fat,
furry fuck ruin

the biggest day of my life.
What can we do?

Listen, girls, I've never told
anyone this before but sometimes

when Robbie's being interviewed,
it's like he's sending me messages

through the TV, you know,
telepathically or whatever.

It's like he's telling me
we're going to be together.

Aye, maybe don't that to anyone
again, Michelle. Ever.

Look, this is too important.
I'm going to that concert.

I'm not afraid of a fucking polar
bear! Me either! Nor me. Bastard!

I'll kill it with my own two hands
if I have to. Bring it on!

OK, we seem to have
gone down a weird road here, people.

I think we've got a bit confused.

We don't have to fight a polar bear.

And, if we did, I wouldn't really
fancy our chances

because, well, they're massive.
But there's five of us so...

The point is the polar bear's not
the one stopping us

going to the concert.
It's our mothers.

And we'll never get them
to change their minds.

We're not gonna try to
change their minds.

We're going to do something else.
What?

Lie our holes off.

# I've got the key

# I've got the secret

♪ I've got the key to... ♪

We're going to get caught. I just
know it.

We're not going to get caught,
Clare. Because, as far as

our Mas are concerned, me, you and
James are at Erin's house,

and Erin and Orla are round mine.
But we're not round yours, Michelle.

We're on a bus to Belfast.

I can't, I cannot explain it to her
again, I'm going to scream.

What's in the suitcase, Michelle?
Vodka.

You've brought an entire
suitcase full of vodka? No.

There's some mixers as well.
I'm not a savage.

You can mix vodka with cider, right?

God I'm boiling. Is it any wonder,
Clare? What are you wearing?

Yeah, you look like a fucking provo.

I don't want anyone recognising me,
OK? Nobody's going to

recognise you, Clare. Clare Devlin?
Is that you? Jesus Christ.

Relax, Clare. It's the weekend.

She has no authority over us
at the weekend.

She has no right to question us,

and, if she tries to,
I'll tell her as much.

Morning, girls.
Morning, Sister Michael.

What takes you to Belfast?

I'm not really sure that's...
Speak up.

I'm not really sure
that's any of your business.

I'm going to assume that was an
ill-judged attempt

at humour, Miss Quinn. Yes.

Now answer the question.

We're going to the museum.
Which museum? The Ulster museum.

What for? A project, a history
project. What about?

Ulster?

Hm.

MUSIC: "Better The Devil You Know"
by Steps

# Better the devil you know

# Better the devil you know

♪ Oh, oh, oh... ♪

A history project!

This web of lies we're spinning is
getting out of control now, girls.

It's grand, Clare.
I think she bought it.

Of course she didn't buy it.
She's onto us. I'm telling you.

My God, I'm sweltered here.
Then take it off.

I can't take it off. I've nothing
underneath it. What, not even a bra?

Jesus, Clare! You've no bra on?
Of course I've got a bra on.

I haven't got a bra on. Can everyone
please stop saying "bra."

But I can hardly parade about in
just my bra. I'm not Madonna.

Isn't that the truth.
What's she doing now?

Reading her book.

Now she's looking at the woman
beside her.

Now she's getting up.

Now she's coming this way.

Now she's standing
right in front of us.

What is he doing? Now she's asking
me. Stop talking, James.

I want to sit here. What? Why?

Well, you're just such wonderful
company, girls, what with

your stimulating conversation
and your razor sharp wit.

Really? No, not really. The woman
next to me is eating

an egg and onion sandwich and the
smell of it

is enough to turn an orange march.

Christ, but this is heavy.
Sister, no, let me.

What have you got in here, girls?
It's not ours!

Not yours?

We've never see it before in our
lives. Have we, girls?

Never. Nope.

Excuse me, everyone!
Can I have your attention, please?

Does anyone own this red suitcase?

ALL: No. Now, let me be clear,

no-one can claim this bag,
is that correct?

ALL: That's correct.

I think we've got a code
red on our hands.

Driver, pull over!

MUSIC: "Ode To My Family"
by The Cranberries

RADIO: In position.
Examining suspect device now.

Sweet Jesus.
Aye, this isn't great.

Ach, it's not that big a deal.
They're going to blow up

an entire suitcase of vodka,
Michelle! I know, animals.

Their wee beekeeper costumes
are so cracker.

You're unbelievable!

This is so itchy now! Don't blame
me! Blame the Milk Tray man.

This is really serious, Michelle!
People have gone to jail for less.

Why is this place so mental?
That's enough, James.

You have serious fucking anger
management issues, do you know that.

LOUD BANG

RADIO: 33 Bravo
this is 31 Alpha, over.

I hear you. Over.

All clear here. Over.

Roger. Let's pack it up. Over.

Powerful smell of vodka down here.
Over.

Vodka, did he say?

Interesting.

OK, we need to go.

MUSIC: "La Macarena"
by Los Del Rio

We need a better plan, Michelle!
This is a great plan.

We cannot walk to Belfast!
How far can it be?

Have you ever seen Northern Ireland
on a map? It's fucking tiny.

I have to say I'm not overly keen
on being out in the open like this.

Just because of the whole
"There's a polar bear on the loose

"that could maul us to death" thing!
It can try!

Is it just me,
or is that Gypsy an absolute ride?

Michelle! You cannot say that!
What? They're called Travellers now.

You can't say Gypsy any more,
it's insulting. Is it?

Yes. Yes, it is. Really?
Who are they?

They're just people, James,
they're just people

that are exactly like us.
Except different. Yes. No!

That's actually racist, Orla.
No, it's not. They are different.

They're not. They live in caravans,
for a start.

I wish I lived in a caravan.
Me too. Caravan's are class.

Could you all stop being
so racist, please?

I'm a bit scared of them.
Is that racist? Yes.

Very much so. Is "gypsy"
even a race? Traveller!

How'ya, girls. Well, hello, there.
Hi. Good afternoon, Sir.

"Sir?" What the fuck, Clare?
Hey! Hold on! What does he want?

I dunno. I'm talking to you! Just
walk on. Hey! Are you deaf or what?

Keep your heads down and keep
walking. Get back here!

Faster, walk faster. Am I going to
have to come after ya, am I?

Jesus Christ, he's following us.
Holy fuck! Run! What?

He's obviously a psychopath! Run!

# Let's get ready to rumble

# Let's get ready to rumble

♪ Get ready... ♪

He looks fucking raging. I don't
want to die! I don't want to die!

This is some craic, isn't it? Holy
shit, they're fast!

Get off! What? Back off, you heard
me, I'm not messing around

with this thing. We mean you
no harm, Sir.

Seriously, Clare, the "sir" thing,
just pack it in.

Why are you being so weird?

Why are you chasing us?

Because you dropped this.

That's my purse.

Why did you think
we were chasing you?

Ah, right, I see, we're travellers
which means we're psychopaths?

You were right, Erin. Shut up, Orla.

We run after people and beat them
up for no fecking reason.

No, look, that isn't.
We're travellers,

so we're obviously violent.
No, not at all.

Listen, we have huge respect
for you and your people.

You've such a strong sense
of community

and such wonderful,
traditional values.

CAR HORN HONKS A TUNE

These lads bothering you, girls?
Yes, yes, they are.

They're fucking madmen. They're
going to kill us. Help us, please!

Jump in.

# All right, all right

# Everything's gonna be all right

♪ All right, all right... ♪

Arseholes.

# All right, all right

♪ Everything's gonna be
all right... ♪

We're totally set.

Have you ever actually met them,
Rita? Take That?

No, I can't stand them, if I'm being
honest,

but their fans are so thick
they'll buy any old shite.

Present company included.
I think you mean excluded.

Naw. Naw, I don't.
I see.

Pop music isn't really my thing,
truth be told.

It's all so fucking soulless. Nah.
I'm a classical head, all the way,

but I've been banned from trading
at Glyndebourne ever since

I absolutely battered that
Pavarotti fan.

And when I say I battered,
I mean intellectually, like.

I did kick the shit
out of him as well!

Pavo's La Boheme is very muscular,

but for purity of tone you simply
cannot fault Bocelli.

I mean, listen to that, girls.

Pass us a can there.

ANDREA BOCELLI SINGS

A can of?

Oh, beer. I see.

Alcoholic beer.

That's fucking beautiful.
While driving. OK. Fine. Good.

Mmm! I mean, what a fucking
instrument! Glorious!

Any idea what the speed limit
is around here?

"Robie!?" Close your eyes, girls,
and soak it up!

Sure. Of course.

But maybe you could soak it up with
your eyes open and,

you know, on the road?

MUSIC: "Che Gelida Manina"
by Andrea Bocelli

Erin, what are we going to do?
I don't know! She's fucking mental!

She's spelt Robbie wrong on every
single T-shirt! What?!

How are we going to break it to her?

That's what you're worried about,
Clare? At this very second?

That's what's concerning you, a spelling
mistake? I find it disturbing, Erin.

I tell you what, girls, I don't
believe in God but, see, if I did...

She's lost the plot. ..that's what
he would sound like!

We should have took our chances with
the Gypsies. Travellers!

THUDDING AND BRAKING

Jesus Christ!
What was that?

Did we hit something?

Oh, my God, it's the polar bear!

Not again. Get it shifted, girls.

This is rank.
Why are we doing it?

Because Rita told us to and
I'm scared of her, Clare!

I'm very, very scared of her!

Why's it so heavy? Aren't
they meant to be 90% wool?

Just put your back into it!
The sooner this is done,

the sooner we're back in that van
and on our way to see Robbie.

Robie! I mean, it
so obviously doesn't look right.

I am not getting back in that
van, Michelle.

The woman is a maniac.
We've come this far.

We're not turning back

Oh, Jesus Christ!

What is it? Oh, I just put my hand
on its hole!

Fuck this, let's just make James do
it, the lazy bastard.

Totally. Good idea.

Where is James?

ALL TALK AT ONCE

..he doesn't have any other
friends...

ALL TALK AT ONCE

Will you shut the fuck up?!

OK. So, as far as I can make out,

you think you left this James character
with the Gypsies? - Travellers.

The small annoying one thinks we
should go back for him because..?

They were so angry with us.
He could be in real danger, Rita.

And the mouthy curly one thinks
we shouldn't because..?

- He's a dickhead, Rita.
- See, it's tricky.

Come on, Michelle! If we go back for
him we'll miss the start of the concert.

But he's your cousin. Who hasn't
lost a cousin or two in their time?

OK, OK, so who agrees with Tiny
Tears, who thinks we should go back?

Orla! I like James, I like Take That
more.

Make a fucking decision,
I've T shirts to flog!

Come on, girls, it's Take That we're
talking about.

I know, it's just...

You said it yourself
Erin, the greats don't come here.

We never got to see Bros,
New Kids on The Block

Right Said Fred.

Let's not add Take That to the list.

We can't turn back. There's too much
at stake.

James has the tickets.
SHIT!

TV: Despite John Hume's optimism
earlier today,

the DUP leader, Ian Paisley,

has said that under no circumstances
will his party sit at the same

table as Sinn Fein,
making all party talks impossible.

I can't take it any more.

All these false promises.

Waiting week after week,

hoping today might be the day, only
to be disappointed.

Don't upset yourself, love.
It's just a wheelie bin.

It'll change my life, Gerry.

And Strabane's had them
for months.

I mean, what's going on there? Who's
pulling the strings for Strabane?

I mean, it's against the
Trades Description Act.

The label said mahogany.
Sure, that's barely oak.

Jesus, but I'm fuming, so I am.

He's gaining ground.

What? The polar bear.

Margo Murphy's niece just saw him

outside the Abrakebabra
in Coleraine, apparently.

That close?
I'll get the holy water.

Sarah, buzz Michelle's mother there,
tell her we need our wains back.

I will surely, Daddy.

Then we'll barricade the front door,
and if worst comes to worst,

Jim across the road lent me his
tranquiliser gun. Nobody's picking up.

Why does Jim across the road have a
tranquilizer gun?

His brother had an awful lot of
bother with devil worshippers.

Excuse me? Aye, they sent up camp on
his farm and he couldn't shift them

for love nor money, so Jim bought
a couple of guns and just...

What? Shot them?
Aye. I think it worked, you know?

I imagine it would, yeah.

I'm not convinced they were devil
worshippers, you know?

Sure their hair had never seen a
brush

and they were head to toe in
tie dye, Mary.

Jesus Christ! OK, I think
we all just need to take a moment.

KNOCK ON DOOR

Don't answer!

That might be him!
That might be the polar bear!

Yeah, because they're known
for their impeccable manners.

They might come into your
house and rip your throat out,

but they'll knock
on the door first.

Could you please stop pointing that
thing at me, Joe?

Da...

Och, Geraldine.

I hope you don't mind,
your front door was open.

Can you believe this
bloody polar bear?

We're at our wits end over at our
place. It's desperate, so it is.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Mary? Gerry?

'mon in Deidre love, it's open.

Can you credit this arsehole?

He's going to hold this whole town
hostage, you mark my words.

He's an evil bastard, Deidre.

Look, I just want to get my two back
home if that's all right, Mary.

Aye, same here. You wouldn't mind
getting Clare for me?

What are you talking about?
Ssh! Listen.

RADIO: A polar bear that
escaped from Belfast Zoo

this morning has been recaptured.

A group of firefighters who were
helping with the search

discovered the animal
close to the A6 between

Belfast and Londonderry,
feasting on a sheep carcass.

Thank God for that.

Ah. I better leave Jim's gun back,
so.

Michelle, James and Clare, did they
tell you they were coming round here?

Aye. That's right.

The wee feckers!

FOLK ROCK MUSIC PLAYS

HORN HONKS

What are you playing at?
Get in the van, fucko!

Does not have to if you
don't want to, James.

With all due respect,
this has got nothing to do with you.

The way you treat this fella is
disgraceful.

What's going on, James?

Jonjo and the lads,
well, they just get me,

and it turns out I'm a really
good salesman.

He's a natural.

So what? You're a Gypsy now?
Traveller!

Actually, Gypsy's fine.
I knew it!

RITA: Let's get a move on!

Right, get in the van. Come on.

And do not test me, cos we've
already missed PJ and Duncan.

Is that who was supporting them?
Aye. Aw, I really like them!

I'm not leaving, Michelle.
Not even for Gary Barlow?

I don't really rate him
as a songwriter, you know?

I'm sorry, Jonjo,

but you've just crossed
the line there.

MUSIC: "Sure"
by Take That

My Michelle's going to be wishing
she was mauled to death

by that thing when I get my hands on
her.

I don't know what to do any more.

I mean, they say that all
teenagers are a bit rebellious

but Clare's off the scale.
She's basically a delinquent.

Have you considered adoption,
Geraldine?

She's 16, Sarah.
Sure, she's past the cut-off.

TV: And finally, amazing scenes in
The King's Hall this evening

as the British pop sensations
Take That

play their first ever
Northern Irish concert.

# Everything changes but you

Look, girls, we just need some cold,
hard proof

they went to that concert.

And then, by Christ, they won't know
what's hit them.

# Now, don't you cry

# Just one more kiss before I have
to go

# Hey, girl, don't go and throw our
love away

# Throw our love away

# I'll be home soon

# Back in your arms to hear you say
that

# Everything changes but you

# We're a thousand miles apart

# And I miss you, baby

# Everything changes but you

# You know, every single day I'll be
thinking about you

# The rumour's true, you know that
there've been others

♪ What can I do..? ♪