All language subtitles for American Housewife s05e09 The Heist.eng

♪♪

I got my campaign posters back
from the printer.

Tell me what you think.

"Greg Otto: Integrity."

Babe, I love it!

That's the same voice
you use

when the kids show you
their art projects.

Fine.
I don't like the slogan.

What's wrong
with "integrity"?

As someone
without integrity,

it feels like an attack.

Plus, it's boring.

The slogan needs
to be catchy,

like
"Make Westport Greg Again!"

How can I make Westport
more Greg?

And the word "again"
implies that the town

was once Greg
and now it's not.

You took the fun out of this
real fast.

I'm sticking
with integrity.

It's the perfect slogan
because my opponents have none.

Principal Ablin's only in it
for power,

and Steve Hobert's
a dirty politician

who only pushes policies
in exchange for favors.

That's the gig, Greg.

If you want to be
a politician,

you got to get
your hands dirty.

Not gonna happen.

My hands will stay clean
because I have...

You're a good person.

We get it.

Taylor, heads up --
I'm not doing laundry today.

So, if you need underwear,

cut two holes in one
of your dad's NPR totes.

Mom,
you're so embarrassing.

I'm on with the Joshes.

-Hey, Mrs. Otto.
-Hi, Mrs. Otto.

Katie. My lady.

Hey, Josh.

Hi, Josh.

Hello. Josh.

What are you doing still
hanging out with these idiots?

Mom, they can hear you.

Sweetie, it's okay.
[ Scoffs ]

They know they're idiots.

Mrs. Otto,
you should come with us

to Blow A Gasket.

It's this cool rage-room

where you can pay to smash
old electronics.

And we think
it'd be healthy for you,

seeing how you're so filled
with rage.

It's not rage.
It's hate.

Rage is fleeting.

Hate is forever.

-But, Katie --
-Mom,

stop intimidating
my friends!

The Joshes
are a bad influence.

You're in college now.

You need to find
higher-quality people.

You're right.
I am in college,

which means you can't tell me
who to hang out with anymore.

She just walked away
from me.

Can you believe her?

Are you really using my totes
for underwear?

Watch me undress tonight
and you'll have your answer.

--Captions by VITAC--

♪♪

Somebody named
Jessica Van Hought was arrested

for shoplifting
a toothbrush.

How embarrassing.

Ooh, public shaming.

I love it.

This is why
I moved to Westport.

And because of my job.

Actually, it was really
only my job,

but this is fun.

Jessica is loaded.

Why would she shoplift?

Mm.
For the thrill.

And that's why I steal
the silverware here

and throw it away
when I get home.

Well, I have
some actual big news.

I'm close to picking
an egg donor!

I'm down
to two candidates.

This is so exciting.

Both my donors
are smart, healthy,

and play musical instruments,
so it's a tie.

I want my kid
playing Britney Spears' "Toxic"

on a baby grand
by the time they're three.

Well, in my experience,
musical talent is not genetic.

I mean, my kids can't sing,
but I sure --

♪ Ca-a-a-a-an ♪

Well, next time,
give me a heads up

and I'm gonna come in
with the harmony.

[ Chuckles ]

I'm going
to the fertility clinic

to see if they have
any more information,

and I want you guys to come with
to help me decide.

I'm in.

We got to pick you out
a good-looking baby

so that I don't have
to give vague compliments

like, "Oh,
what a darling outfit,"

or "Wow, just look at her."

I'm in, too.

If I could have had control
over Grace's genetics,

I would make sure
she didn't get

the "dip all my lipsticks
in the toilet" gene.

I knew I could count
on you guys.

This is
the best squad ever.

Aww. I wish Taylor had a group
like this.

All of her friends went off
to college,

and now she is left
with The Joshes.

Uh, The Joshes?Mm-hmm.

They're great.

Josh has a lacrosse net
in his yard.

He said I can use it
at any time.

I mean, I haven't yet,
but again,

totally can at any time.

I need a fork.

♪♪

So, is everyone happy
with the fan placement?

I went with
an indirect wind

as opposed to the fans
on you guys.

It's an old trick
Richard Branson taught me.

Do either of you
need any help?

No, thanks. Uh, I've got this
business plan under control.

And nobody touches
my code.

Okay, then.

What can I do?

Nothing.

Because you're useless.

Defend my honor.

That is not true.

Cooper brings tons of value
to our start-up.

Like what?
Uh...

he can wear the crap out of
a pair of Gucci driving loafers.

I really can.

Let me lay out some facts
for you, alright?

Fact number one --
when you had money,

you could have been
an investor.

But now that you have no money,
you serve no purpose.

And fact number two --
you've got toothpick legs.

It seems highly unlikely
that a pair of driving loafers

would look good on you.

Okay. Feels like a natural
stopping point for today.

Don't let Trevor
get under your skin.

He's right about me,
man.

Without my money,
what am I good for?

You're a talented guy.
How?

You can raise your eyebrow
really well

in an inquisitive manner.

So my brow game
is at a hundred.

Big whoop.

[ Inhales deeply ]

Toothpick legs.

[ Metal music playing ]

I'm sick of my mom
judging my friends!

I keep forgetting
my Hulu password!

There's an owl outside my window
that keeps waking me up!

Nobody will go see Shawn Mendes
with me!

♪♪

[ Screaming ]

[ Chuckles ]
Wow. That was fun.

What do you guys want to do
next?

I say we all go
hot tubbing.

And then get hot chocolate.

That sounds great.

I don't know
why my mom thinks

you guys are such
a bad influence on me.

Hot tub hopping
is trespassing,

but since
it's her first offense,

I'm letting her go
with a warning.

Thank you so much,
Officer.

We will take it
from here.

What the hell is wrong with you,
Taylor?!

It's just tub hopping,
Mom.

Relax.

Relax?

Uh-oh.

You said a "no-no" word.

This is not
about hot tub hopping.

This is about The Joshes
always getting you into trouble.

Next time, do it right.

Pick a house where the people
aren't home,

throw a party,
it gets out of control,

call the cops
on yourself.

That's how it's done.

Taylor, did the police officer
take you to the station

beforehe drove you home?

I got booked and everything,

but I think he just did it
to scare me.

Haberdashery!

Ooh,
you're in big trouble.

Your father
is talking old-timey.

If you got booked,
that means your picture

is definitely going to make it
in the police blotter

in the Westport Gazette.

I'm running for office.

How can I run on integrity
when my daughter is a criminal?

The cop let me off
with a warning.

I'm sure if we explain that
to the newspaper dudes,

they won't run the story.
I'll come with you.

That's actually
a pretty good idea,

and you volunteering
to fix your mistake

shows a lot of integrity.Hey!

Integrity's a good thing.

Oh. Okay.

Mm.
Hmm.

♪♪

Ooh, we have enough.

We can upgrade our house.

Franklin: Oh. Yes.

[ Refrigerator door opens ]

What are you doing, man?

What does it look like?

I'm eating my feelings.

I have no value,
nothing to offer the world.

That's your opening,
dude.

You're killing the vibe,
man.

I'm on a date here.

It's hard to play
when you're moping around.

So, cheer up.

Or shut up.

Give him a break.

He's trying to figure out
his place in the world.

Is there anything you've always
wanted to try, but haven't?

I feel like I have
the soul of an artist,

but I've never actually
drawn anything.

Grab the crayons.

The nice ones.

They're in the safe
in my closet.

You know the code.4932276098.

Great.
Now we all know the code.

♪♪

Alright, guys,
let's see your portraits.

Here's mine.

What do you think?

[ Chuckles nervously ]

Wow. Wow, Cooper.

Seriously, your drawing
i-is amazing.

Love, hate, life, death.

It's all in there.

Hmm.

Let me see your drawings.

Holy crap.

Mine's terrible.

Franklin,
let me see yours.

Normally, I'm more
of a surrealist,

but with the medium of crayon,
impressionism called to me.

Oh, yeah?

Did a tragic fashion sense
call you, too?

Sorry. I'm lashing out
'cause I'm hurting.

It's actually
quite lovely.

It's crap!

♪♪

So, I'm deciding
between Donor 20 and Donor 11,

and I was wondering if you had
any more information on them.

All the donor information can be
accessed on the online portal.

I've read the files,
and I need to know more.

You can tell a lot from looking
into someone's eyes.

Like, your favorite
Beyoncé album is...

Oh, my God.
It's "B'Day"!

Girl,
you are a loose cannon.

I'm sorry, but we don't go
that in-depth with the donors.

Well, is there any way
we could contact them

to see if they'd be willing
to set up a meeting?

I can't give out
any of that information.

Egg donation is anonymous.

Oh, I see.

Like how Alcoholics Anonymous
says it's anonymous,

but it's not
really anonymous.

If someone sees a celebrity
there, they're gonna tell.

Yeah, my uncle was in AA
with someone

whose name rhymes
with Shmel Bibson.

Would a hundred dollar bill
change your mind?

Tami, cough it up.

I don't have any cash.

J.D.?

Uh, do you take Venmo?

Get out.

-Okay.
-Oh.

I'll just tell you.

It was Mel Gibson.

Guys, I don't know
if I can have a baby

without meeting my egg donor
in person.

What if she's someone who claps
when a plane lands?

I can't live with
that kind of genetic material.

Hey, I do that.
Why is that bad?

We lived.
Don't worry.

We can still meet
your donors.

Before we left,
I went to the bathroom

and unlocked the window.

So we can sneak back in
tonight

and get the addresses
of your donors.

What if we get caught?
I can't go to jail.

Come on.
Be cool.

Oh, okay. I'm in.

I'm very susceptible
to peer pressure.

Tami, if we get caught,

they're never going
to consider me viable

for an egg donation.

Oh, that's true.
I'm back out.

But you just said if you don't
meet them face-to-face,

then you're not going
to do it.

If we don't do this,
no baby.

I really want a baby.

I'm in.I'm back in, too.

Wow! This is fun.

I'm all over the place.

Yeah, you are.

♪♪

I can't believe the publisher
wouldn't retract the story.

I guess
hehas integrity.

You learned a new word today.
We get it.

Hey.

Aren't you that dude
from Stewart and Kingston's

who writes a quote
on every check?

"Knowledge is power.

Knowledge shared
is power multiplied."

Robert Boyce.Yeah, I need to get a photo
of you

to prove to the guys
in the kitchen

that you're not
a 90-year-old woman.

[ Camera shutter clicks ]

Why were you guys meeting
with my dad?

[ Cellphone swishes ]Your dad is the publisher
of the Westport Gazette?

Sure is. In fact,
the only reason he bought it

was to keep me
out of the arrest page.

As someone who always
tips you 20%,

would you mind asking
your dad

to keep her out
of the police blotter?

I'm running
for city council.

I can't afford a scandal
right now.

It won't be the first time
I've helped a politician

keep his mistress
out of the newspaper.

She's my daughter.Ew! He's my dad!

Oh. You guys have
your story straight.

Well done.

I'd be happy to help you,

ifyou're willing
to help me.

Once you're on
the city council,

I need you to rezone
my ex's house

so it's not in Westport.

Why would you want that?

To lower
her property value.

That'll teach her
to call me petty and vengeful.

I don't think a deal like that
would be ethical.

Alright,
well, think about it.

And if you two ever broke up,
trust me,

you'd want to do the same thing
to her.

She's my daughter.

And you're her daddy.
[ Clicks tongue ]

♪♪

What about
construction worker?

Oh, no.
I promised my great-grandfather

on his deathbed
never to do manual labor.

I wasn't a pallbearer at his
funeral for that very reason.

Fair enough.

What about...comedian?

I have been known to make
some fairly keen observations

about the world.

Maybe it's time I put it
in joke form.

Yeah.
I love your observations.

Oh.
Which ones?

The...keen ones.

[ Chuckling ]
I love those, too.

[ Laughter ]...then the kangaroo said,

"Because I'm a marsupial,
for God's sake!"

[ Laughter ]

My boy can literally
do anything.

Thank you, guys.
That has been my time.

[ Applause ]Next up on the stage
is an up-and-coming comedian.

Put your hands together
for Cooper Bradford!

[ Applause ]

So, I was having some spa water
the other day,

and I was like,
"Why do they call it spa water?"

You don't just drink it
in the spa.

You drink it on your yacht,
in your mansion.

They should call it
everywhere water.

[ Chuckles ]

Guys, that's --
that's funny.

Don't talk to us.
Just keep going.

What's a yacht owner's
favorite rap song?

"I Like Big Boats
and I Cannot Lie."

These jokes used to kill
with my staff.

Why aren't you guys
laughing?

Because
you were their boss.

You paid them to laugh.

Oh. Tough crowd.

Looks like I need
some everywhere water.

Nothing? That's called
a callback, people.

C'mon!

♪♪

[ Keyboard clacking ]

I found a way to keep Taylor
out of the police blotter,

but I need your help.
Should I keep my integrity

or should I make
a backdoor deal?

Greg, come on.Come on, what?

We both know
what's happening here.

You, Mr. Integrity,
are coming to me,

Mrs. Not A Shred Of Integrity,
so I can tell you

to make the decision
that you're too afraid to make.

That's exactly
what's happening.

Help me justify
my actions.

Even though you are benefiting
politically

by keeping Taylor
out of the paper,

you are protecting her
from embarrassment.

Keep going.And whenever you're trying
to protect your family,

you will always have
integrity.

Wow.
That kind of makes sense.

Just like when the guy
in the Mafia whacks someone

who's looking
at his wife wrong.

What?
Forget that part.

Make the deal.

♪♪

Okay, ladies.
Let's make this quick.

[ Keyboard clacking ]

[ Beep ]
Damn.

There's a password.

If this were one
of my boys' computers,

I could crack it
in a second.

I spent years
hacking into their devices.

Boobs123, HotBoobs,
TigOleBitties.

I've seen a thousand episodes
of "The Mentalist."

My grandmother and I both think
Simon Baker's hot.

Oh, my God.
So hot.

I don't know who that is,
but I'm gonna say he's hot, too,

'cause I don't want
to get left out.

One thing I've learned
is that people

will often leave clues
for you.

You just have to look
for them.

This woman's
really into reindeer.

Ugh. She's one of those
year-round Christmas people.

Hey,
I'm one of those people.

Why is that bad?

Christmas is magical.

Reindeer.[ Beep ]

Reindeer123.[ Beep ]

Try TigOleReindeer.

Christmas.[ Beep ]

Christmas123.

[ Chime ]Boom!

Damn, you're good!Thank you.

[ Police siren chirping ][ Gasps ]

Oh, crap!
The cops are here!

We must have tripped
the silent alarm

when we opened the door.What are we going to do?

Flush the evidence!

Sorry. Old habits.

[ Police radio chatter ]

I don't want to go
to jail.

Or maybe I do.

It would give me some time away
from Grace.

She's killing me.

Okay, I'm ready for jail.

You think a five-star hotel
is going to rehire a felon?

At best, I'll be managing
a four-star hotel,

where the guests can get cereal
in the lobby.

Guys, you two climb out the
window and I'll take the heat.

Martha Stewart went to jail

and now she's got a cooking show
with Snoop Dogg.

I honestly want this.

Follow me.

Okay.
You can let go.

On one.

[ Screams ]

[ Thud ]

You good?

Yeah.

The alleyway is clear.

I can't believe
we're doing this.

Katie,
this is all on you.

I know.
I'm such an idiot.

I'm really sorry.What are you
talking about?

This is the most fun I've had
since I've been in Westport.

Yeah.
I'd much rather be here

getting in trouble
with you guys

than at home eating a whole bag
of potato chips

one small bowl
at a time.

C'mon.
Give it a try.

Oh, Tami,
you beautiful, stupid woman.

♪♪

Dude, don't give up.

There's more to you
than just money.

No. There isn't.

I was bred to be rich.
I'm a show pony.

You can't put a plow on the back
of a show pony.

It'd look ridiculous.

I know you have tons of
qualities that money can't buy.

Like what?When I was the new kid,

you became friends with me,
even though I wasn't wealthy.

And in a town like Westport,
that took character.

I am good on the inside.

Now do my outside.

Your outfit is fire
right now.

Thanks, buddy.

Hey, food's ready.

Whoa.

[ Crunching ]

This is amazing.

What did you put
in these?

Nothing special.

Just four kinds of cheese,

caramelized onions,
and a thyme-sage butter I made.

Oh, my God. Cooper,
this is honestly

the best grilled cheese
I've ever had.

Okay, guys,
you don't have to lie.We're not lying.

This grilled cheese tastes like
the last days of summer,

when the sunshine is endless

and the lake water
is as warm as the air.

Deep down, you know life
can't be this beautiful forever,

but that's why you go ahead
and take another bite.

[ Crunches ]

Thank you.

And you wonder
why I love him.

Who taught you to cook
like this?

No one.

I did spend a lot of time

watching
my family's personal chef.

I must've learned
from watching.

Well, I'm impressed.

The texture
of your grilled cheese?

Exquisite.

[ Exhales sharply ]

The plating?

Inspired.

Judges?

You may unpack your knifes
and stay.

So, wait...I'm a chef?

[ Exhales sharply ]

I'm a chef. [ Chuckles ]

You are going to wear
the crap

out of those black-and-white
checkered pants.

Yeah, I am.

♪♪

These are pretty.

Who sent them?

Oh, it's an apology
from The Joshes

for getting me busted.

I hate to admit it,
but you were right.

It's time for me to get
some more mature friends.

Hmm.

"Sorry, Bruh.
The Joshes."

Touching.

Actually, Taylor,
I think you should stay friends

with The Joshes.

I was wrong about them.

So, you don't think
they're idiots anymore?

Oh, no.
They're definitely idiots.

But my friendship
with J.D. and Tami has taught me

that sometimes, idiot friends
are the best kind of friends.

They spice it up
and they make life not boring.

But Tami and J.D.
aren't idiots.

No,
they're friends with me.

I'm the idiot.
[ Chuckles ]

[ Door opens, closes ]Walker kept his word.

Taylor isn't
in the police blotter.

That is true,

but did you check
the second page?

No. Why?

What the hell is this?!

You were arrested
breaking into

a fertility clinic
last night?!

Sounds like you know exactly
what the hell it is.

I made a deal with the devil
to keep my daughter

out of the paper
only to find my wife in there?

If it makes you feel
any better,

there won't be any charges
filed.

Or I assume.

I'm kind of treating it
like my parking tickets.

I've been a politician
for a week,

and I'm already doing
crooked deals,

and I have
a family scandal.

We're like the Kennedys,

without the money
or jawline.

Who are they?

♪♪

What is everyone
staring at?

You.
Your arrest

is all that anyone
is talking about right now.

Rumors are flying.

People think you were trying
to steal information

so you could sell your eggs
on the black market.

People have met
my children.

No one
is buying my eggs.

I'm sorry you got in trouble
for nothing.

It wasn't for nothing.

What do you mean?

Before the cops came in,
I logged back in

to the nurse's computer
and got the addresses

of your egg donors.

Katie, you're the best.

That's what idiot friends
are for.

[ Clears throat ]
They're also good

for giving you
free muffins.

Yeah, that's right.
I'm a part of this

whether you want me
or not.

Ooh!
Hamilton Rogers was cited

for using a gas-powered
leaf blower.

This police blotter
never disappoints.

Courtney Wellington
stole American Girl Dolls

out of a kids'
donation box?

It's horrible, but, like,
so horrible I kind of love it.

Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.

[ Gasps ] Jessica Varnacky
stabbed her husband!

Oh. I thought that was gonna be,
like, a funny one.

Mnh-mnh.
Anonymous vandal spray paints

"It Sucks" under
"Welcome to Westport" sign.

-[ Laughs ]
-Anonymous vandal?

[ Scoffs ] My dad doesn't
give me credit for anything!

Maybe he's trying
to protect you?

No. He's just not supportive
of my art!

[ Silverware clatters ]

Damn it!

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