All language subtitles for Not Going Out s06e06 Play.eng

Hello, darling.

Mum... Dad. Bit late, isn't it?

Yeah, if you've come to score some
Ovaltine, our dealer's let us down.

We've just come straight from our
amateur dramatic society meeting.

We need two ladies to play sisters

and we thought of you
for one of them.

You used to love doing amateur
dramatics when you were younger.

Well, it's been a while since
I trod the boards, but why not?

It sounds like fun.

Um, did you say you were
looking for two people?

I... I don't really think
it'll be your sort of thing, Daisy.

I can act. I was in my college play.

I played the part of a woman who
loses the use of her arms and legs,

but becomes an archery champion,
using only her knees and her teeth.

Well, that's ridiculous.

You went to college?

Go on. Let her. Well, I suppose we do
need all the hands we can get.

Why don't you do it as well, Lee?

We do still need someone to be in
the final scene as Mr Faversham.

Who's Mr Faversham?

Your husband. He's an evil,
impotent, wart-ridden, narcissist.

But even so, I still don't think

Lee would be right.

It's a good job
I'm not available that week.

I'm in a one-man production of
The Man Who Couldn't Give A Toss.

So, um, what's the play?

It's a brand-new one,
written specially for us. Who by?

The same man who'll be playing
opposite you as the heroic soldier.

He's quite hot.

He should take his helmet off.

So come on, then, who?

Scott Perry.

THE Scott Perry?
Yes, THE Scott Perry.

Oh, my God!

How did you get
THE Scott Perry to do it?

Scott Perry isn't famous, Daisy. Oh.

I must be thinking of someone else.

Who? THE...

Tom Hanks.

Who is this bloke? He was my first
proper boyfriend, when I was 18.

Oh, him. You mean...

The Kisser?

He sounds like a very tactile
enemy of Batman.

The one whose tongue would...

thrust like a pulsating ramrod

into the yielding crevice
of your yearning palate

and make you moan like
a wolverine bitch in heat?

Please remind me never to share
two bottles of Lambrini with you again, Daisy!

I am telling you now, I am not
spending time with Scott Perry.

Why, what's the problem?
He sounds great.

If somewhat licky.

He ended the relationship.

No, Mum, he didn't. That's the point.

He went off travelling around
the world

and didn't even bother to tell me
it was over.

Well, it was a long time ago,
and trust me, he's a changed man.

And he's still single.

Are you trying to do
some matchmaking?

You could do worse. A lot worse.

Very considerate of you, Geoffrey,

but I can find my own boyfriends,
thank you very much.

Please, Lucy.
At least talk to Scott.

Let him show you
he's sorry for the past.

Yes, we really need your help
with this play, Lucy.

Oh, tell him he can come round
tomorrow for a quick coffee.

But I'm not making any promises.

Don't worry,
I can lend you some coffee.

So, um, how long have you
been back, then?

A few months. Yeah. Once we'd set up
the irrigation system

and the famine had been stopped,

I thought it was time to keep a
dignified distance from the village.

Amazing people.

Their ability to smile

when all they want to do is scream
is a lesson to all of us.

So, um, why the sudden interest
in drama again?

Well, it was the happiest time of my
life when we did that play together.

You as Jane Eyre
and me as your Mr Rochester.

Jane, it feels as though
I have a string tied to my heart

and it is tied to you
in a similar fashion.

But I fear the string may snap

and I shall bleed inwardly,
were you ever to leave my sight.

You couldn't pop out
and get some milk, could you?

So, ah, who's your favourite
Bronte sister, Lee?

Well, it's, er,
it's difficult to say, isn't it?

Mmm... If you had to.

The tall one. She's quite tasty.

He means as a writer.

Oh. Erm...

Charlotte? Yes.

Why? Well, she was the best speller.

So, um, what made you
have a go at writing, then?

Well, it's an idea I've had
for a while.

A man goes off to war
and leaves his true love behind.

But then he comes back
and tries to make up for lost time.

I know! Call me an old romantic,
call me an old soppy-head.

Or maybe you should call me
a silly dreamer.

Keep going.

Come on, Lucy, it'll be like
the good old days, yeah?

Oof! '94, eh?

That was a hell of a year!

Oh, yes, wasn't that the year you
started travelling the world, Scott?

It was, yeah. And I was an idiot.

You know what that's like,
don't you, Lee?

Actually, maybe you don't.

You know, you're a lucky man, Lee.

I look at you and I think,

there's a man who's never been
a heart-breaker.

I'm truly sorry, Lucy.

Trust me,
if I could turn that clock back...

Actually, if I could turn
the clock back,

I suppose I should apologise to that
Scottish vicar as well.

Sorry, Lee. He caught me
giving Lucy our first kiss,

in the vestry.

Quite bold, for a first kiss.

"What are you doing in here?

"Well, come on, talk to me, girl!

"Why are you just staring at me
like you've had an electric shock?"

Quick, quick,
save yourself. You hardly know him!

I'm just the playing the, er,
vicar's wife.

Run, run!

He's probably slipped something
in your drink!

Please do the play, Lucy.

It would mean the world
to your parents. And me.

It would give me the chance
to show you that

I'm not the man you think I am.

OK. But I'm doing it for them.
No-one else.

Och, ya silly wee gob-shite, ya!

Scott's play is so brilliant.
I wish I could write.

Well, let's not rush things, Daisy.

It's only a week since
we did shoelaces.

I have to admit, it's very good.

Anyone can write a play.
Well, you've never done it.

I've never poured
a box of Rice Krispies on my head.

It doesn't mean it's difficult.

I have.

I wanted to know what rain
would feel like if it dehydrated.

So what's this play called?
The Kiss. It's a costume drama.

It's a stupid phrase, that.
All dramas have costumes in them.

Oh, I don't know. That one I caught
you watching a few months ago didn't.

Did that plumber ever
get round to giving that woman

a quote on a new stop-cock?

So what's it about?
Oh, it's so romantic.

It's about a soldier
who returns from battle

to try and rekindle the flame
with his true love, Emily.

But she's married to the evil
factory owner, Mr Faversham.

Boo!

Is that hyphenated?

The war hero is convinced that
if he can kiss Emily, just once,

she'll remember that it's him
that she truly loves.

Completely unrealistic. A person
can't be swayed by one kiss.

I know. Of course it couldn't
happen in real life.

Well, you say that, but when
I was younger, Bertie licked me

on the face at the animal shelter
and I fell for him instantly.

Did you take him home?
I did actually, yes.

Having said that,
I soon got rid of him.

It's hard to fancy a man
that smells of cat wee.

Why have you returned, Richard?

So you can distract me from
the mire of my thoughts.

When I lost my leg in battle,
it made me doubt if there was a God,

and then I remembered your face,
Emily, and decided there must be.

T'was the thing that made me
wake in the morning.

Sorry. "T'was the thing that made me
wake in the morning."

On the script,
that looks like Tiswas.

The thing that made me wake in the
morning. It's funny, isn't it?

No? You were clearly
Swap Shop sort of people.

Well, this isn't working. Let's cut
straight to the very end scene.

You mean the kiss?

Yes. Best to do it now.

No point saving it for the night.
We're all adults.

And... action!

They have much to discuss.
Let us leave them, daughter.

Oh, um, by the way, Lucy,
you might want to move.

You're standing over the trapdoor

and I'm about to give
the switches a bit of a clean.

We must go, my love.

I cannot do this, Richard.

I cannot leave my mother and sister,
never to see them again.

We used to be happy together, Emily.

Maybe you will remember how much
you love me... with a kiss.

'Ow do?

You weren't going to
kiss my missus, were you, Dick?

What the hell are you doing here?!

Well, you need someone
to play Faversham.

I told you we'd be fine, thank you.

Oh, come on, Geoffrey.
It's just one small scene.

And I'm very low maintenance.

Well, I might want
a bigger dressing room.

I'm joking,
I genuinely want to help Geoffrey.

I might learn something.

Especially if I keep
a watchful eye on things.

Well, I think it's a fantastic idea.

I've been worried we've been getting
a bit too highbrow, Geoff.

Maybe Lee's... earthy qualities
could be just the leveller we need.

OK, if we have to. As long as things
start to run smoothly.

Sorry!

Tomorrow, I must leave for York.
I will accompany you.

The thought of you undertaking
such a treacherous journey

leaves me with
many, many misgivings.

Misgivings? Yeah, and we all know

which miss you're going to be
giving it to.

Sorry, it's very gripping.

Don't interrupt.
Well, you'd better get used to it.

When the audience find out
what he's up to,

they'll give him all sorts of grief.
He's not up to anything.

Yes, he loves Emily,
with all his heart.

Yeah, that's what
we're all thinking now.

But do we really know
what he's up to?

Yes, we do. It's in the script.
At the end.

No, no, no! Don't spoil it!
I don't want to know what happens!

I ripped out the final
couple of pages to keep it exciting.

But you're in the very last bit.

Oh. Am I?
Oh, don't worry, it'll be fine.

Everyone knows how to bow.

Please carry on.

Oh, Richard! Your return
has caused me such confusion!

Let the tears flow, Emily.

And with each tear that falls,
I shall hold you tighter.

I bet you will, mate.

God knows what you'd be like
if this was a funeral.

Worry not, fair maiden,
cover thine grief

by letting me stick this
'twixt your thighs.

I think it might be better,
actually, Lee, if you went off

for a few hours and left me and Scott
alone to rehearse our scenes.

They're quite... intense.

Yes, good idea.
Come back in a few hours.

You're only in one scene.

Ah, well, I was going to
talk to you about that, Geoffrey.

Do we really want my character
only coming in at the end?

Yes, we do.

You see, I've been thinking,
as Lucy's husband...

Ah, you're Emily's husband, Lee.
You're only Lucy's lodger.

Very important
we stay in character, yeah?

Good point, Scott.

I think, as Emily's husband,
that you are an absolute prick.

Excuse the French, but what, with me
being an evil and despicable man,

I don't mind hurting people's
feelings and saying it how it is.

So I think there's
a lot of mileage in me -

sorry, Mr Faversham -
coming home early

and trying to stop you
from sticking your hands

up my lovely wife's gusset,
you egotistical, self-centred,

wife-nicking toss-pot.

Wow! What a brilliant idea!

Seriously, Geoffrey, I think
Lee's onto something here.

Yeah, because Faversham is a weak,
jealous, devious, loathsome,

pathetic little man, so, yeah,

you're right, he probably would
try and keep an eye on things

because he knows that this war hero

is just that little bit more...

what's the word? Erm...

Fit?

Yes. Fit. Very good, Daisy.
Let's go with fit.

Faversham knows his wife
finds this man really fit.

Actually, horny.

Yeah... Fit and horny,
very good again, and what's more...

He's well-endowed.

Too much?

What's more, Faversham knows
he's going to lose her.

And I think you're right, Lee,

I think that would be really good
to see early on.

So Faversham really gets
the message,

he's under no illusion
that he is going to lose her.

Let's workshop it.

Oh, Richard! Your return
has caused me such confusion!

Let the tears flow, Emily.

And with each tear that falls,
I shall hold you tighter.

Oy... thee. Whateth... is occurring?

My darling husband,
you are home so early.

Yes, and what do I see afore me?

My wife, engulfed in the arms of
another... geezer.

'Twas the comfort of a friend
and nothing more.

Ah, well, that's the thing,
isn't it, my sweet?

It starts off all friendly now,
but if thine is not careful,

there can be a crafty kiss,
and before you can say

Tigereth Woods, thou art
in the back of thine carriage

with thine feet against
the head-rest

and seatbelts digging into
thine thighs.

I put it to you, sir,
that to arraign your spouse in such

a condemnatory manner implies that
you must only enjoy a modest

amount of certitude in the sanctity
of your conjoining.

What?

He implies that your covetousness

shows you have doubt
in our sacrament.

What?

He means...
if you think he's shagging me,

then our marriage must be
down the pan.

Well, it's not for him to say,
is it?

For he is a stranger and has nothing
to do with our confrottlement.

Our what? Just thought I'd join in.

I may be a stranger to you, sir,
but I am not a stranger to Emily.

For, as you know,
we were once lovers.

And what passionate lovers we were!

For, as her husband, you will know,
her lips are luscious to kiss

and her skin is exquisite to touch.

Or... do you live
separate lives, sir,

under one roof, as a lodger would?

Oh, why does thou not go
and get fu...? Silence!

Quickly, let's all seek solace
in the spaceship!

Our alien friends will take us to
the mother planet.

Sorry, I'm not
very good at ad-libbing.

What ist thy problem, Faversham?

Do you awaken every morning
wondering if your lustful desires

for such a precious creature
can ever be truly reciprocated?

I'll wager your cold and shameless
hands offer her nothing

but loveless, impotent fornication.

Thine is really
pushing thine luck, matey.

Whereas my hands offer her nothing
but warmth and compassion

and a desire borne not just
from lust, but from my very heart.

Take that,
you smarmy little smacker!

Yeah, not so cooleth now, are you,

you marriage-wrecking cocketh?!

What the hell are you playing at,
you lunatic?!

I will tell you what I'm playing at.

I am playing at being
her other half.

And a bloke wouldn't tolerate
some knobhead

giving that kind of bullshit to his
missus, so I lamped the bastard!

Foresooth.

Right, that's it. You're sacked.
You can't do that.

Who's going to play Lucy's husband?
I will.

I don't know who to phone first -
Social Services or Sigmund Freud.

Dr Banner! You're back already!

Don't tell me, you woke up in a skip
with your clothes all torn again

and no idea what happened?!

You're back late.
I went out for dinner...

with Scott. Oh, yeah?

Derren Brown finally managed to
hypnotise you

with his Rohypnol lips, did he?

No, if you must know,
I've decided to save the kiss

till the night of
the actual performance.

And what performance
are we talking about?

I'm happy to discuss this
with you, Lee,

but not if you're going to keep
doing pathetic sexual innuendo.

Do you understand?
Yeah. Roger that.

If you must know,
I took him out for dinner

to apologise for
your behaviour this afternoon.

He was quite upset, you know.

Oh, he is working you
like... one of those things.

An arthritic piano player?!

A marionette, Lee.

I know. A marionette.
With loads of strings attached.

Yeah. See? I've got words too!

Yes, but very few that would
score double in Scrabble.

Have you forgotten
the way he treated you?

Of course I haven't, but...

he seems to have genuinely changed
since I first knew him.

Is that right?
And how has he changed?

Well, he used to be
a bit... self-important.

He used to be MORE self-important?

What was he doing,
healing lepers, or singing with U2?

What is your problem with him?!

He's such a bloody phoney.

"Oh, I spent so long
working with the poor!"

Big deal! I spent years
working with the poor,

you don't hear me
banging on about it.

It doesn't count if
you're just working with them

because you're one of them!

He is using that play
so he gets to use his magic kiss,

so he can try and get back with you.

And what's it got to do with you,
anyway?

Don't flatter yourself,
I'm not doing this to protect

your honour, I just don't like him.

I would be like this if he was
trying to bang Magda Goebbels.

Yeah, that's right, Magda Goebbels.
Imagine that on a triple word score!

You're not allowed proper nouns.
Whatever!

There is trouble a-brewing,
you must act with haste.

Sorry, my brain's not really
functioning in the real world.

I mean, it's 200 years behind
everyone else's.

Do you need me in this conversation?

The show starts in an hour
and when their lips finally meet,

there'll be no turning back.

Well, there's not much I can do
against The Kisser, is there?

Come on, you know what they say -

if you can't beat them...

She's already
falling under his spell.

It's like that bit
in the Jungle Book,

when the snake hypnotises Mowgli.

Trussst... innn... meeee.

Very good. Do you do any others?

Or is it just Hannibal Lecter,
the 19th-century pre-op transsexual?

'Your tales of courage
overwhelm me...'

Get your costume on! You're on soon!

I was caught up in the moment.

It's going very well, isn't it? Yes.

Where the hell did that go?

'You act as though
I have already agreed'

to go with you.
But alas, I am still confused.

Oh, do not be confused, Emily,
for I love you,

and that is all you need to know.

Oh, Richard...

It is too late!
Mr Faversham is here!

Oh, Lord save you, Richard!

God only knows what
look of hatred will be on his face

when he walks through that door!

That's not the face I was expecting.

Ketanga, my friends!
And who is this man I see afore me?

Ahem...

Um, well...

This man you see afore you
is the man that truly loves Emily,

that wishes to take her away from
this cruel and wicked place

and make her truly happy.

Well, 'tis clear that you hath
made your mind up, my sweet,

and as you know, I wish only

that you are as happy as
a piglet in excretia.

These are... very surprising words...

and actions, Mr Faversham.

Yes, verily, I am now unsure
as to where we are at, exactly

which, if truth be known,
was always the case,

but now is totally vexing... m'Lordy.

Come, daughter, let us leave them
to this confusion.

No way, I really want to watch this.

You see, my dear,
if you have decided

to fall in love with one who is
so clearly fraudulent,

then who am I to stoppeth you?
What mean you by fraudulent?

Yes, husband, please explain,
lest I should remain confused

and, in my confusion,
lash out and brain thee.

What I mean, my beloved, is that
it is clear that a man so perfect,

a man so pure, a man so wholesome,
he maketh Alpen look like Frosties,

that indeed,
it is clear we cannot trust him.

Especially given that
he once went off

without so much as
a toodleth-pipeth,

thine devious little bastard.

Listen here, Faversham...

Why, Richard, your injury appears
to have improved somewhat.

Yes.

My love for Emily is so strong,

it can make me forget my pain.

Not sure it can actually make
a leg grow back, though.

I may have slightly exaggerated
my injuries, my darling, Emily,

but not my love for you.

And I know you will remember
just how much you love me

when I kiss you.

You will fall for me again,
as I have fallen for you.

Sorry!

Emily, my darling,
do you really believe that one kiss

can make a woman realise
she truly loves a man?

Maybe.

Then I say unto thee,
get thee lips around this!

So, Mr Faversham got the woman.
No-one was expecting that twist.

No. Especially the cast.
How did Scott describe it again?

Like a very poor scratch-card winner

who got really, really, really
lucky. Yeah, but that's always been

your philosophy with women,
hasn't it?

Buy as many as you can,
then keep on scratching.

So, uh, you going to be
seeing Scott again?

Maybe. You know, just as friends.

OK, I admit it,
I found myself getting

a little bit close to him again.

It's understandable, though,
we do have history. History.

A very over-rated word,
in my opinion.

I always thought it was a mistake
that at school,

you had a lesson called History,
but not Future.

Maybe cos at your school,

the teachers felt
you didn't have a future.

Scott's nicer than you think. And
he's a half-decent writer as well.

What, even if he does think that
one kiss can change everything?

You still not having that, then?

I don't know. Can it?

Not according to you.

Maybe I was a bit hard...

I don't mean during our kiss.

I mean with Scott.

I don't mean Scott made me hard.

Be nice to do it again sometime.

Do what?

You know...

The play. Yeah.

In fact, I'm thinking of
having a go at writing one myself.

Got to have a story first.

Oh, I've got a story.

About what?

About a boy, who likes a girl,

but he can't have her.

Why can't he have her? Because...

he can't tell her
that he loves her,

because the girl... is his sister.

What?

He didn't know at first,

but then, after he defeated his
evil father, using his magic force,

he found out the girl of his dreams

is, in fact, his sister.

Is this Star Wars? Yep.

All right, I take it back,
this writing malarkey IS quite hard.