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1
00:00:06,120 --> 00:00:10,320
Hi. I've just moved into the block.
Can I borrow a cup of sugar?
2
00:00:10,320 --> 00:00:16,080
I thought that's something people
only ever said in films like, "It's crazy, but it just might work."
3
00:00:16,080 --> 00:00:18,120
Or..."I love you."
4
00:00:19,400 --> 00:00:25,040
Why don't you come in?
- Because I know what you've been up to and I'm here to put a stop to it.
5
00:00:28,440 --> 00:00:30,680
It's not actually illegal.
6
00:00:30,680 --> 00:00:35,120
That's another one of those things
people only ever say in films.
7
00:00:38,360 --> 00:00:41,240
Why? What are you...? Nothing.
8
00:00:43,280 --> 00:00:47,080
We're not going out,
not staying in
9
00:00:47,080 --> 00:00:50,440
Just hanging around
with my head in a spin
10
00:00:50,440 --> 00:00:54,040
But there is no need
to scream and shout
11
00:00:54,040 --> 00:00:56,520
We're not going out
12
00:00:56,520 --> 00:00:59,720
We are not going out...
13
00:01:03,680 --> 00:01:05,640
OK, sugar.
14
00:01:05,640 --> 00:01:09,640
Demerara, brown, caster,
icing... Wow!
15
00:01:09,640 --> 00:01:13,680
Why have you got so many?
It's Lucy. She does that thing. What is it?
16
00:01:13,680 --> 00:01:16,400
Cooking? That's it.
17
00:01:18,400 --> 00:01:20,800
Is Lucy your wife? No.
18
00:01:20,800 --> 00:01:26,200
We row a lot, she thinks I'm useless and
we never have sex, but we're not actually married.
19
00:01:26,200 --> 00:01:28,520
Girlfriend?
20
00:01:28,520 --> 00:01:30,560
No, just flatmates.
21
00:01:31,560 --> 00:01:34,280
Now, here we are.
22
00:01:34,280 --> 00:01:36,640
It says "salt".
23
00:01:36,640 --> 00:01:42,160
Daisy put it in there. You know the phrase
"the lights are on, but no-one's at home"?
24
00:01:42,160 --> 00:01:44,200
Imagine there's been a power cut.
25
00:01:44,200 --> 00:01:46,520
Is Daisy your girlfriend?
26
00:01:47,560 --> 00:01:50,120
Are you from the Benefits Office?
27
00:01:51,120 --> 00:01:52,520
No.
28
00:01:52,520 --> 00:01:57,600
So what flat have you moved into exactly?
Number 98 on the other side of the green.
29
00:01:57,600 --> 00:02:03,440
You've come a long way for a cup of sugar.
You know there's a Tate & Lyle factory in Ipswich?
30
00:02:03,440 --> 00:02:07,480
This is silly, but I've seen you
around and you seemed friendly,
31
00:02:07,480 --> 00:02:11,200
so I followed you back here one day
to find out where you lived.
32
00:02:13,200 --> 00:02:16,840
Well, that's different -
someone stalking ME.
33
00:02:19,960 --> 00:02:24,680
I mean, wow, that's different.
Someone's STALKING me.
34
00:02:27,920 --> 00:02:30,560
Don't worry. I haven't actually...
35
00:02:32,360 --> 00:02:34,400
Say when.
36
00:02:34,400 --> 00:02:39,640
It's OK, I believe you're not a stalker.
You look far too nice to do anything like that.
37
00:02:41,600 --> 00:02:42,960
When.
38
00:02:42,960 --> 00:02:46,280
It was in the mid-'90s.
I was trying out a new telescope.
39
00:02:46,280 --> 00:02:52,000
This woman got the wrong end of the stick.
The police didn't press charges... The sugar! Oh!
40
00:02:52,000 --> 00:02:54,840
Do you want a flake with that?
41
00:02:56,000 --> 00:03:00,920
Thanks. Well, I'd better get back.
It's been really nice meeting you.
42
00:03:00,920 --> 00:03:02,960
Yeah, you too.
43
00:03:04,280 --> 00:03:07,280
Sorry. I don't even know your name.
44
00:03:07,280 --> 00:03:10,360
Deborah. Call me Debbie. You are...?
45
00:03:10,360 --> 00:03:11,880
Lee.
46
00:03:11,880 --> 00:03:14,080
Call me.
47
00:03:14,080 --> 00:03:19,880
Well, I might just do that.
Why don't you take my number and we can go for a drink some time?
48
00:03:19,880 --> 00:03:22,200
OK. Great.
49
00:03:22,200 --> 00:03:25,320
There you go.
Make sure you don't wash it off.
50
00:03:25,320 --> 00:03:28,080
I think you're safe there.
51
00:03:28,080 --> 00:03:31,600
Anyway, see you later.
Call me about that drink.
52
00:03:33,240 --> 00:03:37,080
Don't overdo the sugar.
I don't want you getting diabetes!
53
00:03:38,080 --> 00:03:40,720
What was all that about?
54
00:03:40,720 --> 00:03:45,080
All what? A 19-year-old girl giving
a middle-aged man her phone number?
55
00:03:45,080 --> 00:03:50,000
Middle-aged? I'm not middle-aged,
Lucy. Middle age starts at about 50.
56
00:03:50,000 --> 00:03:52,440
50? Lee, you're from up north.
57
00:03:52,440 --> 00:03:57,960
If you reach 50,
you won't be middle-aged. You'll be in the Guinness Book of Records.
58
00:04:05,000 --> 00:04:08,560
Is it always this busy?
Yeah, it's a very popular place.
59
00:04:08,560 --> 00:04:11,400
Especially with our sort
of age group.
60
00:04:12,400 --> 00:04:16,800
I think it's the music.
Lots of hip-hop, dub, garage.
61
00:04:16,800 --> 00:04:18,960
Jitterbug...
62
00:04:19,960 --> 00:04:22,600
Jitterbug
63
00:04:22,600 --> 00:04:25,280
You put the boom-boom into my heart
64
00:04:25,280 --> 00:04:29,120
You send my soul sky-high
when your loving starts...
65
00:04:29,120 --> 00:04:32,640
Forget garage.
Think more gents' public toilets!
66
00:04:33,840 --> 00:04:36,520
I didn't realise
it was karaoke night.
67
00:04:36,520 --> 00:04:42,160
I could do with a bit of a giggle.
I haven't had much of a chance to laugh since my mum died.
68
00:04:42,160 --> 00:04:45,080
The last time you laughed
was when your mum died?
69
00:04:47,080 --> 00:04:49,120
Oh. Sorry.
70
00:04:49,120 --> 00:04:52,880
It's not the best opening line
I've said on a date.
71
00:04:52,880 --> 00:04:54,920
It's OK.
72
00:04:54,920 --> 00:04:57,720
Look, this isn't actually a date.
73
00:04:57,720 --> 00:05:01,920
Lee, there's something
I need to tell you. What?
74
00:05:01,920 --> 00:05:06,520
Evening, all. I thought you'd made
other plans. Sorry, this is Tim.
75
00:05:06,520 --> 00:05:09,240
And I mean "sorry"! This is Daisy.
76
00:05:09,240 --> 00:05:12,680
The one that puts the sugar
in the salt jar?
77
00:05:12,680 --> 00:05:15,240
I was trying to confuse the ants.
78
00:05:20,320 --> 00:05:23,040
This is Debbie from the block.
79
00:05:23,040 --> 00:05:28,480
I won't be fooled by the rocks
you've got, you're still, you're still Debbie from the block!
80
00:05:28,480 --> 00:05:32,160
It's a Jennifer Lopez song. I once
tuned in to Radio 1 by mistake.
81
00:05:32,160 --> 00:05:36,440
Who'd have thought the stuffy
old accountant a fan of J-Lo?
82
00:05:36,440 --> 00:05:40,280
Who'd have thought the unemployed
waster a fan of jailbait?
83
00:05:41,720 --> 00:05:46,960
Thank you. That's enough of me.
Now it's time for you lot to get the party started.
84
00:05:46,960 --> 00:05:49,800
First up, it's Timothy Adams.
85
00:05:49,800 --> 00:05:52,040
Don't forget to give me a big hand.
86
00:05:52,040 --> 00:05:55,000
Will a couple of fingers do?
87
00:05:57,560 --> 00:06:00,400
Good luck! Break your neck!
88
00:06:01,600 --> 00:06:03,840
You were saying?
89
00:06:03,840 --> 00:06:08,800
I don't really live in the block
and I didn't really need any sugar the other day.
90
00:06:10,040 --> 00:06:15,480
I've spent the last couple of weeks
tracking you down, finding out where you lived.
91
00:06:15,480 --> 00:06:18,240
Why? Who are you? What's going on?
92
00:06:18,240 --> 00:06:20,280
I think you might be my father.
93
00:06:23,880 --> 00:06:26,240
Surprise, surprise
94
00:06:26,240 --> 00:06:31,280
The unexpected hits you
between the eyes...
95
00:06:40,080 --> 00:06:46,520
Where's Lolita? If you mean Debbie,
I walked her home. I can't believe she wasn't picked up by her dad.
96
00:06:46,520 --> 00:06:50,120
She very nearly was.
97
00:06:50,120 --> 00:06:55,640
When Debbie realised her mum
didn't have long left, she decided to learn about who her real dad was.
98
00:06:55,640 --> 00:07:00,920
She knew she was the result of
a one-night stand. Now she wanted to know who it was. It was you?
99
00:07:00,920 --> 00:07:04,800
Don't sound too surprised.
I used to be a bit of a head-turner.
100
00:07:04,800 --> 00:07:06,800
Just stomachs now, is it?
101
00:07:08,720 --> 00:07:15,040
So when did this happen? Apparently,
at some house party in the 1980s. "Apparently"? Can't you remember?
102
00:07:15,040 --> 00:07:20,520
I can't remember what I had
for breakfast this morning. I'm guessing Coco Pops. Why?
103
00:07:20,520 --> 00:07:24,320
We're out of Kit Kats.
I remember everyone I've slept with.
104
00:07:24,320 --> 00:07:29,920
Why don't you celebrate by having
a bowl of All-Bran and polishing your chastity belt, Julie Andrews?
105
00:07:29,920 --> 00:07:33,640
Don't take it out on me because
your past is catching up with you.
106
00:07:33,640 --> 00:07:37,400
It's overtaken me, turned round,
kicked me in the bollocks
107
00:07:37,400 --> 00:07:42,080
and smashed me in the face
with an eight-and-a-half stone baby with tits!
108
00:07:42,080 --> 00:07:44,120
Do me and Debbie look similar?
109
00:07:44,120 --> 00:07:48,520
What, that young, healthy-looking
girl with the small nose?
110
00:07:48,520 --> 00:07:52,160
Exactly. It's true.
She doesn't look anything like me.
111
00:07:52,160 --> 00:07:57,400
That girl that doesn't look
like a cross between The Chuckle Brothers' less attractive sibling
112
00:07:57,400 --> 00:07:59,960
and a rat that only ate
half the poison?
113
00:07:59,960 --> 00:08:01,920
You had me at "hello".
114
00:08:01,920 --> 00:08:07,280
That's irrelevant. I don't look
like my dad. I don't know. You've got the man boobs.
115
00:08:07,280 --> 00:08:12,000
What worries me is she might be
a con artist after my money. You should worry.
116
00:08:12,000 --> 00:08:17,760
Yeah. If she's after your money,
she might be stupid enough to be your real daughter.
117
00:08:20,800 --> 00:08:26,280
So what are you going to do now?
I'm not doing anything. You've got to at least talk to her.
118
00:08:26,280 --> 00:08:31,360
A girl turns up at my door after 20
years and says, "I'm your daughter." What should I say?
119
00:08:31,360 --> 00:08:36,280
"What time do you call this? I told
you you had to be back by 1993."
120
00:08:38,480 --> 00:08:40,720
So has she been back in touch?
121
00:08:40,720 --> 00:08:44,560
She left a couple of voicemails,
but I didn't call back.
122
00:08:44,560 --> 00:08:46,600
I texted!
123
00:08:47,640 --> 00:08:54,240
"Thanks for your messages. I've gone
to New Zealand and won't be back for a while. PS, I'm not your dad."
124
00:08:54,240 --> 00:08:56,240
Have you got any compassion?
125
00:08:56,240 --> 00:08:59,360
I did the "sad face" symbol.
126
00:09:02,640 --> 00:09:06,040
I'm not her father. I can't be.
How do you know?
127
00:09:06,040 --> 00:09:11,560
It happened at a house party
in Lower Ebsworth. I've never heard of it, never mind been there!
128
00:09:11,560 --> 00:09:16,720
That's exactly where we first met.
At a house party in Lower Ebsworth. My house party.
129
00:09:16,720 --> 00:09:22,760
No, we didn't. Yes, we did. It was
at my parents' house. You came with that mutual friend we knew - Terry.
130
00:09:22,760 --> 00:09:27,800
You must remember Terry.
Tiny fella, about five foot. And that was in high heels.
131
00:09:27,800 --> 00:09:29,840
Oh, yeah, little Terry.
132
00:09:29,840 --> 00:09:33,560
Oh, God, I do remember that party!
Tim, you're right.
133
00:09:33,560 --> 00:09:36,320
Who's the daddy? Sorry.
134
00:09:36,320 --> 00:09:40,800
In fact, I think I even remember
meeting a girl there.
135
00:09:40,800 --> 00:09:46,720
Her name is Rio
and she dances on the sand
136
00:09:46,720 --> 00:09:49,440
Just like that river twisting...
137
00:09:49,440 --> 00:09:54,920
Don't turn round, madam.
I'll predict what you look like with my mind-reading skills.
138
00:09:54,920 --> 00:09:57,960
To start with,
you're not wearing any knickers.
139
00:09:57,960 --> 00:10:01,320
You are. Looks like I can predict
the future too.
140
00:10:05,320 --> 00:10:08,040
I've actually been sick in my mouth.
141
00:10:09,120 --> 00:10:13,240
I'm Tim. Lee. Is there any reason
you're dressed like that?
142
00:10:13,240 --> 00:10:18,280
Like what? Like a cross
between Gloria Hunniford and a white Michael Jackson.
143
00:10:18,280 --> 00:10:21,800
A white Michael Jackson?
That's a funny image.
144
00:10:21,800 --> 00:10:26,000
I hope you're not intending to light
that in a designated no-smoking area.
145
00:10:26,000 --> 00:10:31,360
I haven't spent all day putting
"no smoking" signs up for the good of my health. Actually...
146
00:10:31,360 --> 00:10:34,480
This is your party, is it, mate?
147
00:10:34,480 --> 00:10:40,320
Yeah. I'm celebrating the completion
of my Advanced Fiscal Studies and Business Accounting exams. Wow!
148
00:10:40,320 --> 00:10:44,520
You're living the dream. I bet
you're looking forward to waking up.
149
00:10:44,520 --> 00:10:46,560
Well, enjoy the party.
150
00:10:46,560 --> 00:10:52,240
There's only a few do's and don'ts,
but on the whole, I'm a laid-back, chilled-out sort of host.
151
00:10:52,240 --> 00:10:56,280
Oi, those vol-au-vents are
under clingfilm for a reason!
152
00:10:56,280 --> 00:11:01,040
It's a good party, isn't it?
Do you know Fat Larry's Band?
153
00:11:01,040 --> 00:11:05,160
Is he? Why, does he keep eating
all the sandwiches?
154
00:11:06,160 --> 00:11:09,400
What do they call you then?
I can answer that.
155
00:11:12,720 --> 00:11:16,440
Terry, I'm trying
to have a conversation here.
156
00:11:22,680 --> 00:11:24,720
Let's dance.
157
00:11:26,880 --> 00:11:31,600
MUSIC STOPS
Right, everyone, who's for Trivial Pursuits?
158
00:11:31,600 --> 00:11:35,440
I tell you what. Why don't we nip
upstairs to the bedroom?
159
00:11:35,440 --> 00:11:38,080
I'll be your private dancer.
160
00:11:38,080 --> 00:11:41,560
Oh, dancer for money.
I'm not saying you're a...
161
00:11:41,560 --> 00:11:44,200
Come on.
162
00:11:45,320 --> 00:11:47,480
Well, then what happened?
163
00:11:47,480 --> 00:11:53,520
While you were downstairs answering
Science and Nature, I was upstairs getting Sport and Leisure!
164
00:11:54,640 --> 00:11:56,920
Are you sure?
165
00:11:56,920 --> 00:12:02,160
Yes, I even remember the rickety,
old bunk-beds and the Master of the Universe duvet cover.
166
00:12:02,160 --> 00:12:04,720
You did it in my bedroom?!
167
00:12:05,760 --> 00:12:08,520
Oh, God, I am her father!
168
00:12:08,520 --> 00:12:12,560
You've only got yourself to blame.
There were A4 cards everywhere.
169
00:12:12,560 --> 00:12:18,600
"Sexual practices only permissible
in the designated sexual practices areas." What are we going to do?
170
00:12:18,600 --> 00:12:22,160
"We"? What do you mean, "we"?
Oh, like that, is it?
171
00:12:22,160 --> 00:12:28,120
Your house, your friends,
your idea to have a party, yet I do one tiny little thing!
172
00:12:28,120 --> 00:12:32,920
And another thing. Do you know
what we did after we had sex? What?
173
00:12:32,920 --> 00:12:35,160
I had a cigarette!
174
00:12:39,320 --> 00:12:42,320
I don't want to be a father, Lucy.
Why not?
175
00:12:42,320 --> 00:12:47,960
What do you mean, "why not"?
I mean "why...not"? Sorry, I must have the wrong ears on.
176
00:12:47,960 --> 00:12:51,440
That sounded like the same words
with a gap in the middle.
177
00:12:51,440 --> 00:12:55,480
No, you've got the right ears on.
THEY'VE got a gap in the middle.
178
00:12:55,480 --> 00:13:02,040
Answer the question. Because I'd be
terrible at it. I can barely afford to feed myself, let alone a child.
179
00:13:02,040 --> 00:13:06,360
She's a fully-grown woman.
Exactly. She'll eat more.
180
00:13:06,360 --> 00:13:08,400
She doesn't need providing for.
181
00:13:08,400 --> 00:13:14,000
What about when she wants to go to
university? I thought you'd accepted she was your daughter. I have.
182
00:13:14,000 --> 00:13:18,480
Well, then, stop panicking. She
won't ever be going to university.
183
00:13:18,480 --> 00:13:22,480
Lee, she just wants
to get to know you. That's all.
184
00:13:22,480 --> 00:13:26,520
The only decision you've got to make
is what kind of father you'll be -
185
00:13:26,520 --> 00:13:29,360
a good one, a great one
or an amazing one.
186
00:13:29,360 --> 00:13:33,040
I don't suppose "absent one" is
on the list, is it?
187
00:13:33,040 --> 00:13:38,880
So what do I do? You can start
by taking her out for the day. Where? It doesn't matter.
188
00:13:38,880 --> 00:13:42,840
Just get this idea out of your head
that you need to provide for her.
189
00:13:42,840 --> 00:13:46,680
She's not a child, she's an adult.
Start treating her like one.
190
00:13:46,680 --> 00:13:48,720
HE SIGHS
191
00:13:52,600 --> 00:13:57,240
Oh, for... Not again. God knows
how Dutch people get to work!
192
00:13:58,720 --> 00:14:01,400
Thanks. What for?
193
00:14:01,400 --> 00:14:04,400
Flying straight back
from New Zealand.
194
00:14:04,400 --> 00:14:09,320
Oh, yeah. That's OK. I was getting
sick of it anyway. Too many hobbits.
195
00:14:09,320 --> 00:14:13,080
I was thinking you didn't like
the idea of a long-lost child.
196
00:14:13,080 --> 00:14:18,880
Don't be silly. I wish I'd been
there when you were growing up. I have a natural rapport with kids.
197
00:14:18,880 --> 00:14:22,520
Oi, we haven't finished yet,
you little shit!
198
00:14:26,640 --> 00:14:31,720
When I was younger,
my mum said I never met you because you were always away on business.
199
00:14:31,720 --> 00:14:35,880
She said you were rich, powerful,
good-looking. Really?
200
00:14:35,880 --> 00:14:39,840
You know what parents are like,
telling white lies to their kids!
201
00:14:39,840 --> 00:14:43,680
I'm doing all right for myself.
I've got a few quid in the bank.
202
00:14:43,680 --> 00:14:46,720
Well, a little bit.
Not enough for stuff like...
203
00:14:46,720 --> 00:14:49,160
Have you been to university yet?
204
00:14:49,160 --> 00:14:53,280
Is that what you think I'm here for?
Money? I didn't say that.
205
00:14:53,280 --> 00:14:55,800
But that's what you meant. Shut it!
206
00:14:57,400 --> 00:15:01,400
I think that's a bit harsh. I know.
Those blades are way too big.
207
00:15:01,400 --> 00:15:06,240
If you knew me better,
you'd know I wasn't like that. I don't. That's the problem.
208
00:15:06,240 --> 00:15:09,680
I am sorry you were the result
of a one-night stand.
209
00:15:09,680 --> 00:15:13,960
In those days, I was young
and I was stupid, but I've changed.
210
00:15:13,960 --> 00:15:17,040
Yeah, you're not young any more.
211
00:15:17,640 --> 00:15:23,920
I'm sorry I wasn't there for you
growing up, but as I get older, I realise life is like playing golf.
212
00:15:23,920 --> 00:15:27,120
If things haven't worked out
the way you want them,
213
00:15:27,120 --> 00:15:31,720
you can either moan about it
or accept defeat gracefully.
214
00:15:31,720 --> 00:15:36,040
That way, instead of looking at all
the things that could have been,
215
00:15:36,040 --> 00:15:42,040
you put the past behind you, forget
about it and get on with succeeding in what you want to do next.
216
00:16:07,960 --> 00:16:14,120
So how was it left with Debbie?
She asked me to go round to her house next week for a chat.
217
00:16:14,120 --> 00:16:20,320
What are you going to do?
I hope she lives in a windmill, so I can't get through the front door.
218
00:16:20,320 --> 00:16:24,320
I did my best. It didn't work out.
My conscience is clean.
219
00:16:24,320 --> 00:16:27,360
Unlike my Masters of the Universe
duvet cover.
220
00:16:28,800 --> 00:16:31,520
Haven't you got a moral obligation
as her father?
221
00:16:31,520 --> 00:16:36,840
I'm not her father. I'm just the
person who got her mother pregnant which led to her being born.
222
00:16:36,840 --> 00:16:41,360
That's like saying you're not
Lucy's lodger, just the person who lives in her flat
223
00:16:41,360 --> 00:16:47,000
and leaves that hideous stuff on
the bathroom floor. Some of us have to stand up when we go for a tinkle!
224
00:16:47,000 --> 00:16:53,640
I wish I'd never gone to that party.
I never would have met you or that stupid Karen bloody Bradeley!
225
00:16:55,640 --> 00:16:59,000
You never told me
her name was Karen Bradeley.
226
00:16:59,000 --> 00:17:01,680
What does it matter
what her name was?
227
00:17:01,680 --> 00:17:03,920
Trust me, it matters.
228
00:17:10,360 --> 00:17:12,680
Oh! Ow! Tim!
229
00:17:12,680 --> 00:17:15,120
Oh, hi, sweetheart.
230
00:17:15,120 --> 00:17:20,960
I wondered where you'd got to.
Sorry about this. We've got a crisp-treader in our midst.
231
00:17:22,160 --> 00:17:24,480
What were you doing in my bedroom?
232
00:17:24,480 --> 00:17:27,760
Getting a packet of fags
from my coat pocket.
233
00:17:27,760 --> 00:17:32,400
What's going on, Karen? You weren't
doing something you shouldn't?
234
00:17:32,400 --> 00:17:34,720
Sorry, Tim.
235
00:17:34,720 --> 00:17:38,560
It was just a quickie.
It doesn't mean anything.
236
00:17:38,560 --> 00:17:44,320
It may not mean anything to you,
but you're not the one having to scrub the bedroom walls with Dettol!
237
00:17:44,320 --> 00:17:50,160
Karen, you know the rules.
No smoking in the bedrooms, even if it is just a quickie.
238
00:17:50,160 --> 00:17:52,120
Right.
239
00:17:52,120 --> 00:17:54,400
Yes, of course.
240
00:17:54,400 --> 00:17:59,760
I'll open the window. If Dad thinks
it was me, he'll sellotape my Connect-4 up again.
241
00:17:59,760 --> 00:18:03,920
I've already opened it.
Why don't we go and have a dance?
242
00:18:03,920 --> 00:18:10,160
The only dance I'm doing is the
Shake'n'Vac to put the freshness back. Oh, please. Pretty please!
243
00:18:10,160 --> 00:18:15,200
Then afterwards, you can arrange
one of your brilliant charades tournaments.
244
00:18:15,200 --> 00:18:18,400
You know I find
your Arnie impression very sexy.
245
00:18:19,400 --> 00:18:22,040
Crisps? I'll be back.
246
00:18:24,440 --> 00:18:28,640
I didn't know she had a boyfriend.
Didn't you even bother asking?
247
00:18:28,640 --> 00:18:33,240
When you get a new job,
you don't ask if someone's still doing the job.
248
00:18:33,240 --> 00:18:39,560
You turn up and make the most of the
warm seat. I've never heard so much rubbish in all my life! You, a job?
249
00:18:40,560 --> 00:18:43,160
How long were you together for?
A week.
250
00:18:43,160 --> 00:18:47,600
A week? You're giving me grief
for a meaningless romance?
251
00:18:47,600 --> 00:18:52,600
It wasn't meaningless. She was
my first...proper girlfriend.
252
00:18:52,600 --> 00:18:55,440
What? She, you know...
253
00:18:55,440 --> 00:18:57,680
made me a man.
254
00:18:57,680 --> 00:18:59,840
Out of what? Plasticine?
255
00:19:00,960 --> 00:19:03,840
You mean you lost your virg...? Yes.
To Karen?
256
00:19:03,840 --> 00:19:09,560
Yes! If you slept with her
in the same week as me, you know what this means, don't you?
257
00:19:12,000 --> 00:19:14,720
Have you got to the bit
with the stork yet?
258
00:19:15,880 --> 00:19:19,320
Young girl, get out of my mind...
259
00:19:19,320 --> 00:19:21,520
Shut up!
260
00:19:25,000 --> 00:19:31,520
Didn't you use precautions? How come
you never bothered asking me that question? You're northern.
261
00:19:31,520 --> 00:19:35,080
Well? I was naive and inexperienced
in those days.
262
00:19:35,080 --> 00:19:40,480
My, how you've grown(!)
Daisy, inform Judas that I'm still not talking to him.
263
00:19:40,480 --> 00:19:44,480
Daisy, inform Jesus of Henley that
Judas didn't know him at the time
264
00:19:44,480 --> 00:19:50,600
and Mary Magdalene cajoled Judas
into the manger with promises of gold, frankincense and Malibu!
265
00:19:52,960 --> 00:19:55,280
What was the first bit?
266
00:19:55,280 --> 00:20:01,520
So what are you going to do?
Nothing. It's not me Karen said was the father. It was him.
267
00:20:01,520 --> 00:20:07,080
If she slept with both of us in
the same week, she can't know who the father was. That's not true.
268
00:20:07,080 --> 00:20:12,360
I know a woman who was
in a threesome, but still knew which one got her pregnant. How?
269
00:20:13,360 --> 00:20:16,360
Well, it was obvious.
It was the man.
270
00:20:16,360 --> 00:20:22,200
Look, all that matters is that one
of you is the father and there's a simple way of proving it.
271
00:20:22,200 --> 00:20:25,040
A paternity test.
272
00:20:25,040 --> 00:20:28,560
All right, let's do it.
Fine. Bring it on.
273
00:20:28,560 --> 00:20:32,080
Name the time, the place
and the small plastic cup.
274
00:20:32,080 --> 00:20:35,920
No, they take a swab of DNA
from the inside of your mouth.
275
00:20:35,920 --> 00:20:41,280
So, you, clean your teeth.
We don't want them thinking Colonel Sanders was the father.
276
00:20:46,440 --> 00:20:51,440
Dads are a bit like buses.
You wait your whole life for one and two come along at once.
277
00:20:51,440 --> 00:20:54,480
Except one is a luxury coach
with air-conditioning
278
00:20:54,480 --> 00:20:58,320
and the other is a late night bus
full of vomit and nutters.
279
00:20:58,320 --> 00:21:03,760
I can't lie. This is all a bit
of a shock. Your mum was obviously a bit of a dark horse.
280
00:21:03,760 --> 00:21:06,240
I mean in a good way.
281
00:21:06,240 --> 00:21:11,280
Think of her as a fine, noble filly
that everyone wanted to... I'll shut up.
282
00:21:12,280 --> 00:21:14,600
Thanks for doing the paternity test.
283
00:21:14,600 --> 00:21:18,160
It's not easy, but I guess
it's something we have to do.
284
00:21:18,160 --> 00:21:21,200
One of us is certainly going
to be disappointed.
285
00:21:22,200 --> 00:21:27,400
I mean, if he's the father,
I'll be disappointed. And if I'm the father...
286
00:21:27,400 --> 00:21:29,760
She'll be disappointed.
287
00:21:29,760 --> 00:21:35,720
I know this is a big shock for you
as well and I'm sorry that I've just suddenly turned up in your lives.
288
00:21:35,720 --> 00:21:41,560
When Mum died, I felt really lost
and isolated and I want to feel like I'm part of something again.
289
00:21:41,560 --> 00:21:43,600
It's us that need to apologise.
290
00:21:43,600 --> 00:21:49,320
We've been so busy thinking
about how this will affect OUR lives, we haven't given you much thought.
291
00:21:49,320 --> 00:21:52,800
If it is me,
I'll always be there for you.
292
00:21:52,800 --> 00:21:57,800
Me too. If it is Tim,
you can phone me whenever you like.
293
00:21:57,800 --> 00:22:01,240
I'm joking. If it's me,
I'll be there for you too.
294
00:22:01,240 --> 00:22:03,720
Thanks. But no more crazy golf.
295
00:22:03,720 --> 00:22:09,440
The ban's not lifted for
another ten years. Maybe next time we meet up, I can bring Toby along.
296
00:22:09,440 --> 00:22:13,720
Who's Toby? Your boyfriend, your dog
or your jug? I'm good with dogs.
297
00:22:13,720 --> 00:22:18,400
I got my Blue Peter badge
for obedience training. I got mine for stealing.
298
00:22:18,400 --> 00:22:21,440
What did you steal?
A Blue Peter badge.
299
00:22:21,440 --> 00:22:24,040
He's neither. Toby's my son.
300
00:22:27,840 --> 00:22:30,280
You mean one of us is a grandad?
301
00:22:31,400 --> 00:22:33,440
I guess so.
302
00:22:33,440 --> 00:22:37,280
Well, I hope it's you.
You've already got the clothes.
303
00:22:46,280 --> 00:22:49,960
She's taking her time
with these test results.
304
00:22:49,960 --> 00:22:53,560
I've just thought - this could
make me a sort of step-mum.
305
00:22:53,560 --> 00:22:58,920
Debbie will have to escape my evil
clutches by moving to the forest to live with seven dwarves.
306
00:22:58,920 --> 00:23:04,320
How annoying, travelling miles
to escape from you and Dopey answers the door!
307
00:23:05,920 --> 00:23:11,720
Stop pacing, Tim. Don't be stressed.
I'm not stressed. An absent father and a grandparent at 40?
308
00:23:11,720 --> 00:23:15,440
It's bound to be the northerner.
309
00:23:18,680 --> 00:23:23,240
Well? I haven't opened it yet.
I wanted you both to be here when I did.
310
00:23:23,240 --> 00:23:26,000
Well, go on then.
311
00:23:30,760 --> 00:23:33,160
Oh, my God, it can't be true!
312
00:23:33,160 --> 00:23:35,200
It must be Lee.
313
00:23:37,360 --> 00:23:40,880
- It's not Lee.
- I'm going to be sick.
314
00:23:40,880 --> 00:23:43,440
Ah, that'll be my poisoned apple!
315
00:23:44,680 --> 00:23:46,880
DAISY LAUGHS
316
00:23:46,880 --> 00:23:48,880
Too soon?
317
00:23:50,440 --> 00:23:52,840
It's not you either, Tim.
318
00:23:54,240 --> 00:23:56,280
Well, don't look at me.
319
00:23:56,280 --> 00:24:02,200
It says there's no DNA match
with either of you. I still don't know who my dad is.
320
00:24:02,200 --> 00:24:04,760
SHE SOBS
321
00:24:12,280 --> 00:24:18,600
I don't understand. She went out
with you and she slept with you at Tim's graduation party.
322
00:24:18,600 --> 00:24:21,040
One of you must be my dad.
323
00:24:21,040 --> 00:24:25,120
Graduation party? The one you had
when you were still living at home?
324
00:24:25,120 --> 00:24:29,920
Yeah. You never said it was
that party. You don't remember it. You were only eight.
325
00:24:29,920 --> 00:24:34,160
Of course I do. How could I forget?
It was full of idiots.
326
00:24:34,160 --> 00:24:36,440
Tainted love
327
00:24:36,440 --> 00:24:40,440
Now I know I've got to...
328
00:24:40,440 --> 00:24:42,920
That's better.
329
00:24:42,920 --> 00:24:45,760
That's why they call it a yucca.
330
00:24:47,160 --> 00:24:50,160
How old are you? Eight.
331
00:24:50,160 --> 00:24:54,280
You're very tall.
You're kneeling down. Oh, yeah.
332
00:24:55,960 --> 00:24:58,320
Where's Tim?
333
00:24:58,320 --> 00:25:02,760
Tim? Oh, you mean the posh,
inbred-looking dandy?
334
00:25:02,760 --> 00:25:05,280
He's my brother, actually.
335
00:25:06,760 --> 00:25:09,440
What does "inbred" mean?
336
00:25:09,440 --> 00:25:12,040
You know, that Chris de Burgh song?
337
00:25:12,040 --> 00:25:14,240
Lady "Inbred".
338
00:25:14,240 --> 00:25:17,680
No, it's not. It's something to do
with sex, isn't it?
339
00:25:19,480 --> 00:25:23,520
All right, it means
when you like having sex in bread.
340
00:25:24,840 --> 00:25:28,120
Why would Tim have sex in bread?
341
00:25:28,120 --> 00:25:31,920
I don't know. Cos he's his Mother's
Pride? Go away, small girl.
342
00:25:31,920 --> 00:25:34,480
What the hell are you doing
out of bed?
343
00:25:34,480 --> 00:25:38,080
Never hang around afterwards.
They get clingy... Oh, her.
344
00:25:38,080 --> 00:25:41,400
Lucy, get back to bed
before Mum and Dad get home.
345
00:25:41,400 --> 00:25:43,880
I can't sleep with all this racket.
346
00:25:43,880 --> 00:25:49,400
Sleep in the spare room.
It's quieter in there. He said you like having sex in bread.
347
00:25:50,840 --> 00:25:53,800
I didn't mean it.
What did you mean?
348
00:25:53,800 --> 00:25:58,200
I meant you like having sex
with your relatives.
349
00:25:58,200 --> 00:26:00,840
It's better
than having sex in bread.
350
00:26:00,840 --> 00:26:05,080
Actually, you could combine both
and have sex with your "naan".
351
00:26:07,160 --> 00:26:09,560
GIGGLING
352
00:26:12,840 --> 00:26:17,520
I tell you what, Terry. For a little
man, you have very large hands.
353
00:26:17,520 --> 00:26:22,560
I'm glad we're finally lying down.
At least now I can reach your knockers!
354
00:26:22,560 --> 00:26:24,800
Ahem!
355
00:26:24,800 --> 00:26:27,600
Sorry, love. This room's taken.
356
00:26:29,360 --> 00:26:32,680
Blimey!
That woman was smaller than me!
357
00:26:37,600 --> 00:26:42,640
Her life might have been cut
tragically short, but she didn't half fit a lot in.
358
00:26:49,440 --> 00:26:52,280
It was good that you managed
to trace Terry.
359
00:26:52,280 --> 00:26:55,680
Yeah, I searched high and low.
And there he was - low.
360
00:26:57,080 --> 00:27:02,560
It's all turned out for the best.
They're getting on well. They had a day out at Alton Towers.
361
00:27:02,560 --> 00:27:06,280
How was it? Not great.
Terry wasn't allowed on any rides.
362
00:27:07,920 --> 00:27:13,440
Was she not disappointed
to find her mum was... you know, a bit of a girl?
363
00:27:13,440 --> 00:27:18,360
It's part of growing up.
I remember when I was 12 finding out my mum was a drinker.
364
00:27:18,360 --> 00:27:20,600
That must have been hard for you.
365
00:27:20,600 --> 00:27:24,520
It was. I had to start drinking
in a different pub.
366
00:27:24,520 --> 00:27:27,320
KNOCK AT DOOR
367
00:27:28,600 --> 00:27:32,640
Sorry, I've just moved in upstairs.
Could I borrow some milk?
368
00:27:34,920 --> 00:27:37,400
There's a Tesco's round the corner.
369
00:27:40,680 --> 00:27:44,600
We're not going out,
not staying in
370
00:27:44,600 --> 00:27:48,040
Just hanging around
with my head in a spin
371
00:27:48,040 --> 00:27:51,080
But there is no need
to scream and shout
372
00:27:51,080 --> 00:27:54,000
We're not going out
373
00:27:54,000 --> 00:27:57,320
We are not going out...
374
00:27:57,370 --> 00:28:01,920
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