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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,360 --> 00:00:06,000 What's up with you? You look like a Borrower eating a Bourbon. 2 00:00:10,600 --> 00:00:12,200 Come on, tell me. 3 00:00:12,200 --> 00:00:15,240 It's nothing, you'll call me stupid. 4 00:00:15,240 --> 00:00:18,160 Did I call you stupid when you lost all that money to me at poker? 5 00:00:18,160 --> 00:00:22,240 No, you said, "Don't give up, have another Tequila. 6 00:00:22,240 --> 00:00:25,520 "And let's pretend that clothes are money." 7 00:00:27,040 --> 00:00:29,280 Come on, Lucy, what is it? 8 00:00:29,280 --> 00:00:30,920 I think I'm pregnant. 9 00:00:32,080 --> 00:00:33,840 How? 10 00:00:33,840 --> 00:00:36,560 Forget what your mum told you - she was lying. 11 00:00:36,560 --> 00:00:39,440 It's nothing to do with cabbage leaves or storks. 12 00:00:40,400 --> 00:00:42,240 It was a penis. 13 00:00:46,080 --> 00:00:48,880 ♪ Yeah, not going out 14 00:00:48,880 --> 00:00:50,440 ♪ Not staying in 15 00:00:50,440 --> 00:00:53,240 ♪ Just hanging around With my head in a spin 16 00:00:53,240 --> 00:00:55,680 ♪ But there is no need To scream and shout 17 00:00:55,680 --> 00:00:56,840 ♪ Yeah 18 00:00:56,840 --> 00:00:59,400 ♪ Not going out 19 00:00:59,400 --> 00:01:02,520 ♪ We are not going out. ♪ 20 00:01:04,920 --> 00:01:07,080 Sorry! 21 00:01:07,080 --> 00:01:10,720 Look, this is really weird, I don't know how it happened. 22 00:01:10,720 --> 00:01:14,040 I haven't - you know - for ages. 23 00:01:14,040 --> 00:01:18,560 Are you sure? Sorry? I mean, maybe you've been in a situation where you 24 00:01:18,560 --> 00:01:21,320 think you've done nothing but you've been a bit drunk and you know... 25 00:01:21,320 --> 00:01:24,320 I don't drink to the extent where I can't remember having sex. 26 00:01:24,320 --> 00:01:26,080 I'm not...you. 27 00:01:28,080 --> 00:01:30,920 Well, maybe someone, you know... 28 00:01:30,920 --> 00:01:36,120 It happens. You're in a pub, without your knowledge something is slipped in your... 29 00:01:38,840 --> 00:01:40,880 I mean drugs. Oh. 30 00:01:40,880 --> 00:01:42,440 No, of course not. 31 00:01:42,440 --> 00:01:44,440 So how do you know you're pregnant? 32 00:01:44,440 --> 00:01:45,800 A woman knows. 33 00:01:45,800 --> 00:01:47,400 Which woman? 34 00:01:48,440 --> 00:01:50,040 Me. 35 00:01:50,040 --> 00:01:53,600 My breasts are much larger than usual and they're very tender. 36 00:01:56,360 --> 00:01:58,520 What else? 37 00:01:58,520 --> 00:02:01,560 I'm late. Oh, go on, another five minutes. 38 00:02:02,160 --> 00:02:05,760 My period is two weeks late. Ooh, that's the end of that game. 39 00:02:07,760 --> 00:02:09,720 I'm going to see the doctor next week. 40 00:02:09,720 --> 00:02:11,280 You haven't even seen one yet? 41 00:02:11,280 --> 00:02:14,800 So why are we fretting that there's an immaculate muffin in the bread bin, Mary? 42 00:02:14,800 --> 00:02:16,880 I'm pregnant, I know it. 43 00:02:16,880 --> 00:02:18,400 Yeah. Course you are. 44 00:02:18,400 --> 00:02:21,000 I'll see you in the maternity wing in nine months. 45 00:02:21,000 --> 00:02:23,960 Don't worry about directions, I'll follow the star. 46 00:02:31,160 --> 00:02:32,560 Tim, stop worrying. 47 00:02:32,560 --> 00:02:35,400 It's probably just one of those phantom pregnancies. 48 00:02:35,400 --> 00:02:37,760 Listen, trust me. My sister's always right. 49 00:02:37,760 --> 00:02:40,960 About everything. If you don't believe me, ask Mum and Dad. 50 00:02:40,960 --> 00:02:43,800 They'd believe her if she said I was pregnant. 51 00:02:45,840 --> 00:02:47,360 So would I. 52 00:02:48,320 --> 00:02:52,280 There's not more to this story, is there, something you're not telling me? 53 00:02:52,280 --> 00:02:54,280 What's that supposed to mean? 54 00:02:54,280 --> 00:02:57,760 I'm gonna ask you something and I'll know if you're not telling the truth. 55 00:02:57,760 --> 00:03:00,560 How? Cos I'm very good at reading body language. 56 00:03:00,560 --> 00:03:04,880 If you're that good why haven't you stopped talking, got your coat and buggered off home? 57 00:03:04,880 --> 00:03:07,880 I'm not joking.All right. 58 00:03:07,880 --> 00:03:09,920 Ask me what me mum's maiden name is. 59 00:03:11,000 --> 00:03:14,520 What's your mum's maiden name?Peterson. 60 00:03:16,720 --> 00:03:20,000 You're telling the truth.No, I'm not, I'm lying. 61 00:03:20,000 --> 00:03:23,480 Look, have you slept with her or Yeah, but don't tell my dad. 62 00:03:25,480 --> 00:03:28,080 Lucy! Of course I haven't. 63 00:03:28,080 --> 00:03:32,560 Well, you're the only bloke she's I'm her lodger. 64 00:03:32,560 --> 00:03:36,000 I know, it's just you hear about these urban myths, maybe they're true. 65 00:03:36,000 --> 00:03:39,680 You know, about girls getting pregnant in weird ways. 66 00:03:39,680 --> 00:03:41,520 Like from being in a Jacuzzi. 67 00:03:44,600 --> 00:03:47,920 God, you can tell you went to a posh all-boys school. 68 00:03:47,920 --> 00:03:52,200 You must have heard this. A man goes into a Jacuzzi or a swimming pool and... 69 00:03:55,040 --> 00:03:57,920 ..entertains himself without the company of a woman. 70 00:03:57,920 --> 00:04:00,960 You're a real man's man, aren't you? 71 00:04:00,960 --> 00:04:03,640 The man gets out, a woman gets in... 72 00:04:03,640 --> 00:04:05,240 Yeah, all right I get the idea. 73 00:04:07,040 --> 00:04:09,520 You and Lucy don't share bath water, do you? 74 00:04:11,520 --> 00:04:15,640 Yeah, and on Sundays we do the spuds in there, too. Course not. 75 00:04:17,960 --> 00:04:21,000 Can't really get pregnant like that, can you? 76 00:04:21,000 --> 00:04:24,600 Well, it doesn't matter because you don't share bath water, do you? 77 00:04:25,560 --> 00:04:26,840 Do you? 78 00:04:30,160 --> 00:04:32,880 Look, a few weeks ago...I don't believe this. 79 00:04:33,880 --> 00:04:35,680 You don't need to panic. 80 00:04:35,680 --> 00:04:38,840 It's not you picturing a snotty three-year-old with Lucy's eyes and your face. 81 00:04:38,840 --> 00:04:42,720 Better than a snotty three-year-old with Lucy's breasts and my testicles. 82 00:04:42,720 --> 00:04:44,560 This isn't funny. Go on. 83 00:04:44,560 --> 00:04:48,960 A few weeks ago, I went into the bathroom to have a shower. 84 00:04:51,280 --> 00:04:52,880 Agh! Agh! 85 00:04:54,040 --> 00:04:56,760 Have you heard of knocking? Have you heard of locking? 86 00:04:56,760 --> 00:04:59,440 Have you heard of eviction? That doesn't rhyme. 87 00:05:00,440 --> 00:05:01,520 Just get out! 88 00:05:01,520 --> 00:05:02,720 I didn't see anything! 89 00:05:02,720 --> 00:05:08,360 All right, I saw the headlightsPardon? 90 00:05:08,360 --> 00:05:11,520 Sorry, I ran over a rabbit last week, I can't get it out my head. 91 00:05:11,520 --> 00:05:14,480 That stupid bathroom lock you bought doesn't work. 92 00:05:14,480 --> 00:05:16,360 You're just not using it properly. 93 00:05:19,640 --> 00:05:22,720 DOOR LOCK: Yo, get out of here. 94 00:05:24,720 --> 00:05:26,360 What's all this? 95 00:05:26,360 --> 00:05:27,400 It's called a bath. 96 00:05:27,400 --> 00:05:30,520 Here in the south we have a different place for storing coal. 97 00:05:33,200 --> 00:05:36,920 What's with all the candles? Didn't know it was your birthday. 98 00:05:36,920 --> 00:05:39,080 Oh, no, there's only 37. 99 00:05:40,040 --> 00:05:45,720 What do you want, Lee? I need a shower. Oh, I didn't know it was your birthday. 100 00:05:46,000 --> 00:05:51,000 You'll have to wait. I can't. I'm 101 00:05:51,000 --> 00:05:55,720 He'll get all teary and startWell, be quick. 102 00:05:57,880 --> 00:06:00,080 I've finished my poo-poo. 103 00:06:03,200 --> 00:06:05,200 Hey, scram - I'm on the can! 104 00:06:10,040 --> 00:06:13,080 "Add a little of this Tuscan fig oil to your bath water 105 00:06:13,080 --> 00:06:16,680 "and you too can feel like a sun-drenched Mediterranean princess." 106 00:06:16,680 --> 00:06:19,840 What kind of idiot falls for this rubbish? 107 00:06:19,840 --> 00:06:21,360 Oh, that's nice. 108 00:06:32,280 --> 00:06:38,320 Ah, tell you what, if I had some Jaffa cakes now, life would be perfect. 109 00:06:41,400 --> 00:06:43,600 Well, carry on. 110 00:06:43,600 --> 00:06:46,440 What?You know damn well what. Did you? 111 00:06:50,560 --> 00:06:54,600 Course I didn't. Lee, this is important.You cannot get pregnant like that. 112 00:06:54,600 --> 00:06:58,040 Well, it doesn't matter, does it, because you didn't do anything. 113 00:06:58,040 --> 00:06:59,600 Tell me the truth now. 114 00:07:05,600 --> 00:07:07,160 Actually it is Peterson. 115 00:07:08,760 --> 00:07:12,440 Oh, God! You got my little sister pregnant. 116 00:07:13,440 --> 00:07:16,080 I was gonna run her a fresh bath, but I fell asleep, 117 00:07:16,080 --> 00:07:19,880 I always do after...I don't want the details! 118 00:07:19,880 --> 00:07:22,720 The next thing I know I woke up in a panic, cos she was 119 00:07:22,720 --> 00:07:27,160 banging on the door saying she was gonna be late, so I just got out. 120 00:07:27,160 --> 00:07:29,360 I'm sorry, Tim, but I was thinking of her. 121 00:07:30,360 --> 00:07:33,520 I don't mean... I'm gonna have to tell her what's happened. 122 00:07:33,520 --> 00:07:35,760 Don't. I'll deal with it. 123 00:07:35,760 --> 00:07:37,920 All right, but you better had. 124 00:07:37,920 --> 00:07:41,280 You can't tell her. I don't know what she'd be most angry about, 125 00:07:41,280 --> 00:07:45,960 the fact that I may have accidentally got her pregnant or the fact that I told you first. 126 00:07:45,960 --> 00:07:47,560 It's the first one, isn't it? 127 00:07:56,760 --> 00:08:00,040 You're late. I do clean other people's houses, you know. 128 00:08:00,040 --> 00:08:02,640 Must be a nice change for you coming here then. 129 00:08:03,560 --> 00:08:05,880 Who rattled your cage? 130 00:08:05,880 --> 00:08:07,400 Who opened yours? 131 00:08:08,920 --> 00:08:13,200 Oh, I see, still thinking about Lucy being pregnant. 132 00:08:13,200 --> 00:08:15,120 We don't know that she's pregnant. 133 00:08:15,120 --> 00:08:18,160 Women know. So I keep hearing. How do they know? 134 00:08:18,160 --> 00:08:20,240 It's a feeling you get, you feel irritable. 135 00:08:20,240 --> 00:08:22,360 I feel irritable now but I'm not pregnant. 136 00:08:22,360 --> 00:08:25,120 Yeah, but your man boobs aren't all tender, are they? 137 00:08:27,400 --> 00:08:30,960 They're not man boobs. That's true, they're more like women's boobs. 138 00:08:34,240 --> 00:08:38,800 Maybe you're right. How can she be pregnant if she's claiming she hasn't had sex in ages? 139 00:08:38,800 --> 00:08:42,800 Exactly. Funny, isn't it, this reproductive thing? 140 00:08:42,800 --> 00:08:46,000 Actually I saw an interesting programme on the telly last night. 141 00:08:46,000 --> 00:08:52,480 Apparently there's a type of insect called the water-spawning dragonfly which mate in the most amazing way. 142 00:08:52,480 --> 00:08:55,480 The male lands on the water and deposits his seed, 143 00:08:55,480 --> 00:08:59,680 then the lady spawning dragonfly sort of swims round where the male was 144 00:08:59,680 --> 00:09:02,440 and lo and behold she becomes pregnant, wow! 145 00:09:02,440 --> 00:09:07,880 Can you imagine...if a human being could get pregnant like that? 146 00:09:08,760 --> 00:09:12,720 No way, that would be impossible, wouldn't it? 147 00:09:14,520 --> 00:09:17,080 Have you been wanking in the bath? 148 00:09:23,080 --> 00:09:25,280 What?Is that what you're asking me? 149 00:09:25,280 --> 00:09:26,800 No. 150 00:09:26,800 --> 00:09:28,280 Yes. 151 00:09:29,800 --> 00:09:32,440 I was gonna run her a fresh bath but I fell asleep! 152 00:09:32,440 --> 00:09:33,880 What? 153 00:09:33,880 --> 00:09:37,640 I wish people would stop acting like I've been strangling kittens or... 154 00:09:37,640 --> 00:09:39,320 Choking chickens. 155 00:09:40,880 --> 00:09:43,360 We all do it, even you. 156 00:09:43,360 --> 00:09:45,120 I beg your pardon. 157 00:09:45,120 --> 00:09:49,800 Oh, come off it, Barbara, look me in the eyes and tell me... In fact don't, I'll be sick. 158 00:09:50,880 --> 00:09:52,440 Well? What? 159 00:09:52,440 --> 00:09:55,200 Is it possible for a woman to get pregnant like that? 160 00:09:55,200 --> 00:09:56,840 Course not. You sure? 161 00:09:56,840 --> 00:09:59,160 Yes, it's impossible. 162 00:10:00,160 --> 00:10:01,600 I knew it. 163 00:10:01,600 --> 00:10:04,120 Well, virtually impossible. 164 00:10:05,520 --> 00:10:08,200 What do you mean "virtually"? That doesn't help. 165 00:10:08,200 --> 00:10:11,400 That's like finding out your girlfriend's virtually legal. 166 00:10:13,080 --> 00:10:18,080 All I'm saying is, it's possible for sperm to survive outside the body in certain temperatures. 167 00:10:18,080 --> 00:10:20,440 What temperatures?Like when it's frozen. 168 00:10:20,440 --> 00:10:22,720 Well, the bath water wasn't frozen, was it? 169 00:10:22,720 --> 00:10:27,880 Obviously not, or you wouldn't beYeah, all right! 170 00:10:28,880 --> 00:10:30,760 Is it possible or not? 171 00:10:30,760 --> 00:10:35,000 Excuse me, I am not a scientist. I am a cleaner. I don't know if you've noticed. 172 00:10:35,000 --> 00:10:36,760 Not really, no. 173 00:10:38,440 --> 00:10:40,040 Oh, God, what am I gonna do? 174 00:10:40,040 --> 00:10:44,600 Look, you don't even know if she's pregnant yet. Wait till she's seen the doctor. 175 00:10:44,600 --> 00:10:47,960 This is like when I was waiting for my university results. 176 00:10:47,960 --> 00:10:50,400 All right, polytechnic. 177 00:10:50,400 --> 00:10:52,800 All right, catering college. 178 00:10:52,800 --> 00:10:55,760 Yeah? What did you learn there? How to put buns in ovens? 179 00:10:55,760 --> 00:10:58,480 Look, she can find out quicker, you know. 180 00:10:58,480 --> 00:11:01,080 How? Get a pregnancy kit. 181 00:11:01,080 --> 00:11:04,080 Ha! I think it's clear I've already got one of those. 182 00:11:14,240 --> 00:11:16,520 What's that? I got you a present. 183 00:11:19,720 --> 00:11:21,720 What lovely wrapping paper. 184 00:11:22,600 --> 00:11:26,800 Ah, look, you've even written a message. "Every little helps." 185 00:11:28,720 --> 00:11:32,440 A pregnancy test? Yeah.What are you doing? 186 00:11:32,440 --> 00:11:36,480 It's my body, Lee, don't you think that maybe this is something I should have got for myself? 187 00:11:36,480 --> 00:11:39,200 Would it help if you gave me the money? 188 00:11:41,960 --> 00:11:44,000 Anyway I don't need to do a test. 189 00:11:44,000 --> 00:11:48,600 I've come round to your way of thinking - it's impossible for me to be pregnant. 190 00:11:48,600 --> 00:11:52,520 Well, you might be. Why don't you just do it? Put both our minds at rest. 191 00:11:52,520 --> 00:11:54,320 Why are you suddenly so concerned? 192 00:11:54,320 --> 00:11:56,000 Well, it affects me, doesn't it? 193 00:11:56,000 --> 00:12:00,360 Does it? Of course it does. 194 00:12:00,360 --> 00:12:04,080 And I don't really want to be lumbered with a baby when you move out. 195 00:12:06,960 --> 00:12:10,520 Go on, just for a bit of fun, go in the toilet, wee on the stick. 196 00:12:24,280 --> 00:12:25,280 SHE SCREAMS 197 00:12:25,280 --> 00:12:27,040 Agh! 198 00:12:28,200 --> 00:12:29,720 Oh, God, now the bunny! 199 00:12:34,040 --> 00:12:35,920 You know this stupid gangster lock? 200 00:12:35,920 --> 00:12:39,120 Well, I'm gonna make you an offer you can't refuse. What? 201 00:12:39,120 --> 00:12:44,520 You have one week to change it or I'm going to shove it up your... Yeah, all right. 202 00:12:44,520 --> 00:12:47,280 Well?You have to wait a few minutes. 203 00:12:51,920 --> 00:12:54,480 Is this why they call it a pregnant pause? 204 00:12:59,360 --> 00:13:02,720 So, er, what will happen, you know, 205 00:13:02,720 --> 00:13:04,680 if you are pregnant? 206 00:13:04,680 --> 00:13:07,240 I'm not. I know, but what if you are? 207 00:13:07,240 --> 00:13:09,360 I can't be. Just humour me. 208 00:13:09,360 --> 00:13:12,800 All right, you're a lovely bloke and you go a long way, how's that? 209 00:13:13,800 --> 00:13:16,960 Well, after I got over the "How the hell did this happen?" bit, 210 00:13:16,960 --> 00:13:19,720 I guess I'd have to sit down and make some decisions. 211 00:13:19,720 --> 00:13:21,560 What kind of decisions? 212 00:13:21,560 --> 00:13:26,560 Well, to start, the career would have to be put on hold for a while. That's not too bad, is it? 213 00:13:26,560 --> 00:13:29,280 I mean my career has been on hold since I was three. 214 00:13:29,280 --> 00:13:31,560 Were you getting a bit big for the chimneys? 215 00:13:34,720 --> 00:13:38,560 And then there's the birth itself to think about, that would terrify me. 216 00:13:38,560 --> 00:13:40,680 I'm sure it's not as bad as women go on about. 217 00:13:40,680 --> 00:13:44,520 I mean women say, people say, stupid people. 218 00:13:44,520 --> 00:13:48,480 Apparently it's as painful as a whole baking potato coming out of your penis. 219 00:13:48,480 --> 00:13:50,600 Ooh, must remember to start chewing. 220 00:13:53,000 --> 00:13:54,760 And then of course there's my dad. 221 00:13:54,760 --> 00:13:56,400 Blimey, how did he get in there? 222 00:13:58,840 --> 00:14:00,880 I dread to think what he'd say. 223 00:14:00,880 --> 00:14:03,640 And then there's this place to consider. 224 00:14:03,640 --> 00:14:08,120 Like you say, it's not really big enough for me, you and a baby, is it? 225 00:14:08,120 --> 00:14:10,680 Well, it must be ready now. Go on. 226 00:14:12,800 --> 00:14:14,880 Lucy, just before you do look at it. 227 00:14:14,880 --> 00:14:19,920 You do know, don't you, that whatever happens, I'll stand by you? 228 00:14:21,200 --> 00:14:22,440 As a friend. 229 00:14:31,320 --> 00:14:33,720 Oh, my God. I'm pregnant. 230 00:14:41,760 --> 00:14:43,240 KNOCK AT DOOR 231 00:14:43,240 --> 00:14:44,840 Oh, hello. 232 00:14:49,440 --> 00:14:51,720 How long have you been my sister, Lucy? 233 00:14:51,720 --> 00:14:55,160 Oh, let me think. I'm 29 now, when did I have that sex change? 234 00:14:55,160 --> 00:14:58,880 Was it before or after yours? And how long have you known Lee? 235 00:14:58,880 --> 00:15:01,800 I'm sorry, have you been in a car crash or something? 236 00:15:01,800 --> 00:15:05,440 All right, I won't mince words. I think when it comes to being, you know... 237 00:15:05,440 --> 00:15:10,680 that there are certain people not a million miles from here who should be told before certain other people, 238 00:15:10,680 --> 00:15:15,080 because they're not even blood relatives, whereas certain people are. 239 00:15:15,080 --> 00:15:18,920 Well, it's true you didn't mince your words, you sort of liquefied them. 240 00:15:18,920 --> 00:15:23,400 I presume you've been speaking to Lee. This is Mr Snuggles 241 00:15:23,400 --> 00:15:25,000 Oh, not again, Tim. I was nine. 242 00:15:25,000 --> 00:15:31,000 Finding my hamster dead and telling Alison Gately before me - what kind of nine-year-old girl does that? 243 00:15:31,000 --> 00:15:36,080 I don't know, what kind of 18-year-old boy buys himself a hamster and calls him Mr Snuggles?! 244 00:15:36,080 --> 00:15:38,560 Of course Mum and Dad will need to be told. 245 00:15:38,560 --> 00:15:41,320 Oh, you're loving this, aren't you? What's that supposed to mean? 246 00:15:41,320 --> 00:15:43,680 All your life you've winged about being the underdog. 247 00:15:43,680 --> 00:15:46,280 Finally you've got the chance to be the blue-eyed boy. 248 00:15:46,280 --> 00:15:49,640 I haven't winged about anything. "Carry me, not Lucy!" So? 249 00:15:49,640 --> 00:15:52,400 I was seven and I'd been hit by a car. 250 00:15:53,600 --> 00:15:55,600 Your car. 251 00:15:55,600 --> 00:15:59,920 Well, if you're not gonna say anything, maybe I should tell them about your...little package. 252 00:15:59,920 --> 00:16:02,920 Tim, the word is pregnant. Don't start swearing at me. 253 00:16:02,920 --> 00:16:05,240 It's my responsibility to tell them, not yours! 254 00:16:05,240 --> 00:16:08,440 You need to start growing up, young lady, and acting your age. 255 00:16:08,440 --> 00:16:13,040 Spending less time with boys doing...humpty-pumpty! 256 00:16:14,000 --> 00:16:17,600 Oh, look who it is, Bath Time Billy and the Flannelettes. 257 00:16:17,600 --> 00:16:21,440 Shut up. Don't worry, I haven't told her about you doing the unnecessary. 258 00:16:22,440 --> 00:16:25,440 It is totally necessary, in fact it's almost compulsory - 259 00:16:25,440 --> 00:16:28,000 you don't know how lucky you are being a woman. 260 00:16:28,000 --> 00:16:30,760 Have you any idea what I'm going through? 261 00:16:30,760 --> 00:16:35,440 What you're going through? Tim, I'm gonna be a father, I'm only 39! 262 00:16:35,440 --> 00:16:39,080 You're from up north, you should be a grandfather by now! 263 00:16:39,080 --> 00:16:42,160 There's still things I want to do.Like what? 264 00:16:42,160 --> 00:16:46,560 I don't know, scuba diving.Well, don't worry, you'll be 265 00:16:46,560 --> 00:16:48,920 He's clearly a good swimmer. 266 00:16:48,920 --> 00:16:52,800 You need to tell her the truth - and soon. There's things that need to be discussed. 267 00:16:52,800 --> 00:16:56,760 I know, like me finding another place to live, it's been mentioned. 268 00:16:56,760 --> 00:16:58,800 Yes, and there'll have to be a conversation about money. 269 00:16:58,800 --> 00:17:02,840 Don't worry about that, I don't want any handouts. Not for you! 270 00:17:02,840 --> 00:17:07,560 From you, for the baby! And it won't be cheap, you'll be looking at about £1,000 pounds a month. 271 00:17:07,560 --> 00:17:11,240 What, is she having quads? If you're the father, probably a litter! 272 00:17:17,600 --> 00:17:19,240 It must be a mistake. 273 00:17:19,240 --> 00:17:24,680 I'm allergic to some things - maybe I had something that contains nuts. I think that's a certainty. 274 00:17:24,680 --> 00:17:28,080 Maybe there's something wrong with the test, maybe it's been contaminated. 275 00:17:28,080 --> 00:17:30,720 What with? Pregnant women wee? 276 00:17:30,720 --> 00:17:34,440 Well, there must be some explanation. I can't be pregnant. 277 00:17:34,440 --> 00:17:37,440 I'm going for a bath. Oh, God, twins. 278 00:17:41,000 --> 00:17:44,480 Is this like the sixth sense? Am I the only one that can see you? 279 00:17:44,480 --> 00:17:49,000 Can I ask you something? Where do you want to be in a year from now? 280 00:17:49,000 --> 00:17:51,400 I don't know. Over there. 281 00:17:52,920 --> 00:17:56,880 Don't you mean, over there, in Lucy's bedroom? 282 00:17:56,880 --> 00:17:58,920 Think about it. 283 00:17:58,920 --> 00:18:05,160 Before all this you were over there, and now you're here, which is nearer to there. 284 00:18:06,240 --> 00:18:09,120 Can I ask you a question? Do you like role play? 285 00:18:09,120 --> 00:18:13,080 Beg your pardon? Maybe to spice up your work life you could pretend to be a cleaner. 286 00:18:13,080 --> 00:18:19,480 Meanwhile I'm gonna go over there, because it's the furthest point from being here. 287 00:18:20,640 --> 00:18:21,680 Fine. 288 00:18:21,680 --> 00:18:24,920 If you don't want to be with Lucy, what do I care? 289 00:18:26,760 --> 00:18:31,520 Go on. Last week, if I'd offered you the opportunity for you and Lucy to be settled down 290 00:18:31,520 --> 00:18:35,440 in a cosy relationship with a baby, you would have bitten my hand off. 291 00:18:35,440 --> 00:18:38,800 May as well bite them both off, you don't use them. 292 00:18:38,800 --> 00:18:43,000 Well, you've certainly been using yours, haven't you? Yeah, 293 00:18:43,000 --> 00:18:47,440 Anyway, there's gonna be no cosy relationship. I'm getting chucked out. 294 00:18:47,440 --> 00:18:50,280 A baby doesn't need its own room for ages. 295 00:18:50,280 --> 00:18:54,960 And by then she'll see how great you are, reading little munchkin bedtime stories, 296 00:18:54,960 --> 00:18:58,280 taking it to the park, she'll think you're the bee's knees. 297 00:18:58,280 --> 00:19:04,720 And when she does, you'll go all the way from over there...to there. 298 00:19:04,720 --> 00:19:06,120 Now do you get it? 299 00:19:07,080 --> 00:19:10,360 Oh...Oh, you'll make a great father. 300 00:19:10,360 --> 00:19:11,920 How do you know? 301 00:19:11,920 --> 00:19:15,040 I've got a sixth sense, I see dad people. 302 00:19:22,520 --> 00:19:24,080 You're quiet. 303 00:19:25,520 --> 00:19:27,280 I was just... No, don't spoil it. 304 00:19:29,200 --> 00:19:33,760 I was just thinking about what you said earlier, about my responsibilities. 305 00:19:33,760 --> 00:19:37,920 I've decided I'm gonna help raise this baby, like a proper father. 306 00:19:37,920 --> 00:19:39,520 A proper father? 307 00:19:39,520 --> 00:19:42,960 We're not the first people to have a baby outside wedlock, you know. 308 00:19:42,960 --> 00:19:45,480 Wedlock? You're not even in sex-lock. 309 00:19:45,480 --> 00:19:47,480 It's one thing for a child to be born 310 00:19:47,480 --> 00:19:51,520 outside of marriage, it's another for it to be born outside of nature. 311 00:19:51,520 --> 00:19:56,440 Tim, it'll be fine. Yeah, until the baby starts calling its plastic duck Daddy. 312 00:19:57,960 --> 00:20:00,080 Drink up, we've got shopping to do. 313 00:20:01,080 --> 00:20:03,520 MUSIC: "Baby Love" by the Supremes 314 00:20:59,680 --> 00:21:02,720 I'm sorry, Mum, but Tim shouldn't have told you, should he? 315 00:21:02,720 --> 00:21:06,960 Don't talk to me about contraception, it's so embarrassing. 316 00:21:06,960 --> 00:21:09,280 They're not called sheaths any more! 317 00:21:09,280 --> 00:21:12,320 Mum, there's something I need to explain to you. KNOCK AT DOOR 318 00:21:12,320 --> 00:21:16,400 Oh, I'll have to phone you back. There's someone at the door. Bye. 319 00:21:20,240 --> 00:21:22,520 I've just been on the phone to Mum. 320 00:21:22,520 --> 00:21:25,680 Oh. Is that it, just, "Oh"? 321 00:21:25,680 --> 00:21:28,840 No. Oh...dear. 322 00:21:29,880 --> 00:21:33,240 How dare you tell Mum and Dad when I specifically asked you not to?! 323 00:21:33,240 --> 00:21:37,880 They had to be told. This isn't just about you, Lucy - a bastard child effects all of us. 324 00:21:40,280 --> 00:21:42,480 You had no right to tell them. 325 00:21:42,480 --> 00:21:46,440 And you had no right to tell Lee before me that you had a fruit bun in the Aga! 326 00:21:47,440 --> 00:21:50,120 Blimey, even for me that was middle class. 327 00:21:50,120 --> 00:21:52,640 Well, is it any surprise that I tell Lee first? 328 00:21:52,640 --> 00:21:55,440 Lee doesn't phone up Mum just to score brownie points. 329 00:21:55,440 --> 00:21:58,640 Lee doesn't go round acting like a competitive teenager. 330 00:21:58,640 --> 00:22:02,800 Lee doesn't act like a small child who'd do anything to get constant attention! 331 00:22:08,880 --> 00:22:11,480 This stuff kills when babies do it. 332 00:22:11,480 --> 00:22:13,760 What are you doing? 333 00:22:13,760 --> 00:22:16,000 Been shopping. Like that? 334 00:22:16,000 --> 00:22:19,680 You'll do anything to get in those disabled parking spaces, won't you? 335 00:22:19,680 --> 00:22:24,280 I just thought it was about time we all started accepting the situation. 336 00:22:25,280 --> 00:22:27,920 I thought maybe you could... 337 00:22:27,920 --> 00:22:30,480 let me stay around and... 338 00:22:30,480 --> 00:22:31,840 help raise this baby. 339 00:22:31,840 --> 00:22:35,440 I've told you, there isn't gonna be enough room for three of us. 340 00:22:35,440 --> 00:22:37,880 Well, maybe he can have my room. 341 00:22:38,720 --> 00:22:40,640 And where are you gonna sleep? 342 00:22:41,840 --> 00:22:43,320 TOY GROWLS 343 00:22:45,480 --> 00:22:46,880 In the cat basket? 344 00:22:47,960 --> 00:22:50,520 Right, that's it, this is getting ridiculous. 345 00:22:50,520 --> 00:22:55,720 She needs to hear the truth about how she got pregnant now. It's either you or me. 346 00:22:56,480 --> 00:22:58,360 Well, I can say it was you. 347 00:23:05,160 --> 00:23:07,520 Lucy... Yeah? 348 00:23:07,520 --> 00:23:10,680 Can you sit down? There's something I need to tell you. 349 00:23:10,680 --> 00:23:12,200 What? 350 00:23:12,200 --> 00:23:15,520 It's a sort of...confession. 351 00:23:15,520 --> 00:23:18,280 Well, go on. 352 00:23:18,280 --> 00:23:22,320 It's difficult. Just say it.Huh! 353 00:23:22,320 --> 00:23:25,240 That old chestnut, look what happened to Spartacus. 354 00:23:25,240 --> 00:23:27,920 His last words were, "Why didn't I just say Dave?" 355 00:23:27,920 --> 00:23:32,280 What is it? You're gonna laugh 356 00:23:32,280 --> 00:23:35,760 so you might think you're crying. But you're not, you're laughing. 357 00:23:35,760 --> 00:23:37,080 So just remember that. 358 00:23:38,560 --> 00:23:41,760 You know a few weeks ago, when I went into the bathroom... 359 00:23:41,760 --> 00:23:45,480 Yeah. And I said I was gonna have a shower... 360 00:23:45,480 --> 00:23:48,280 Well, I didn't.Oh, well, don't worry. 361 00:23:48,280 --> 00:23:51,160 You probably just lost your bottle at the last minute. 362 00:23:51,160 --> 00:23:53,240 We'll try again next month. 363 00:23:53,240 --> 00:23:57,920 The thing is, I jumped in theOh, great! 364 00:23:57,920 --> 00:24:03,400 Believe me, by the end of the story, that bit will seem like a Hans Christian Andersen fairytale. 365 00:24:03,400 --> 00:24:07,160 Well, I hope it's got a happy ending. You could say that. 366 00:24:08,520 --> 00:24:09,880 The thing is... 367 00:24:11,440 --> 00:24:14,160 I did something in the bath. 368 00:24:14,160 --> 00:24:15,480 What? 369 00:24:15,480 --> 00:24:17,880 You know. No? 370 00:24:17,880 --> 00:24:21,560 Well, sometimes you just need to relax, don't you? Huh! 371 00:24:21,560 --> 00:24:24,360 Did you drink my wine? Please don't make me say this. 372 00:24:25,960 --> 00:24:31,000 Look, you know when you're in theYeah. 373 00:24:31,000 --> 00:24:34,400 Well, I had a bit of double-you time. 374 00:24:35,400 --> 00:24:36,520 What? 375 00:24:37,640 --> 00:24:40,080 I had a Sherman. 376 00:24:42,640 --> 00:24:45,160 What's a Sherman? 377 00:24:46,680 --> 00:24:48,440 A Sherman Tank... 378 00:24:49,400 --> 00:24:51,480 ..in the bath. 379 00:24:51,520 --> 00:24:54,080 You were in the bath with our cleaner? 380 00:24:56,960 --> 00:25:00,960 Sherman Tank - it's Cockney rhyming slang. 381 00:25:00,960 --> 00:25:02,880 Oh, my God! 382 00:25:04,000 --> 00:25:06,000 In my bath water?! 383 00:25:06,000 --> 00:25:08,480 I was gonna run you a fresh one but I feel asleep! 384 00:25:08,480 --> 00:25:10,440 It's that relaxing Tuscan fig oil! 385 00:25:10,440 --> 00:25:13,320 It's the Mediterranean equivalent of Rohypnol! 386 00:25:13,320 --> 00:25:15,920 Anyway, why are you telling me this now? 387 00:25:15,920 --> 00:25:17,840 Because, you know... 388 00:25:17,840 --> 00:25:19,880 Oh, my God! 389 00:25:19,880 --> 00:25:23,120 You mean your...inside my... 390 00:25:23,480 --> 00:25:26,920 Well, look on the bright side, atGet out! 391 00:25:26,920 --> 00:25:30,640 What? Go on, I mean it, I don't want you living here any more. 392 00:25:32,080 --> 00:25:37,120 But what about...? We'll be fine, we don't need any help. Just...leave. 393 00:25:40,720 --> 00:25:42,440 What are you waiting for? 394 00:25:42,440 --> 00:25:44,480 I'm certainly not shaking your hand. 395 00:25:46,000 --> 00:25:47,320 OK. 396 00:25:49,200 --> 00:25:50,720 Bye. 397 00:25:54,080 --> 00:25:56,000 Just one thing before you go. 398 00:25:57,000 --> 00:25:59,440 April fool! 399 00:26:04,560 --> 00:26:07,080 You can't get pregnant like that, you idiot. 400 00:26:07,080 --> 00:26:09,840 But... I'm not pregnant. 401 00:26:09,840 --> 00:26:12,280 I made the whole thing up right from the start. 402 00:26:12,280 --> 00:26:14,280 What you talking about, Lucy? 403 00:26:15,160 --> 00:26:17,320 I presume your name really is Lucy? 404 00:26:17,320 --> 00:26:21,160 I wanted to teach you a lesson. What for? 405 00:26:21,160 --> 00:26:26,000 For poisoning my beautiful, innocent, sweet-smelling bath water 406 00:26:26,000 --> 00:26:29,920 with your horrible, mucky man-porridge. 407 00:26:32,280 --> 00:26:33,760 How did you know? 408 00:26:33,760 --> 00:26:36,760 I told you that bathroom lock wasn't working, didn't I? 409 00:26:43,960 --> 00:26:46,480 Well, he's certainly giving that a good clean. 410 00:26:48,120 --> 00:26:50,160 So was Tim in on all this? 411 00:26:50,160 --> 00:26:54,640 No, he wasn't. He came round with such an attitude I decided to test out his moral fibre. 412 00:26:54,640 --> 00:26:58,080 I wanted to see if he'd do the correct thing and not tell Mum and Dad. 413 00:26:58,080 --> 00:27:02,720 Oh, great. So I confess to me best mate about having a Shawshank Redemption for nothing! 414 00:27:02,720 --> 00:27:06,840 Oh, God and I told Barbara! Is there anyone else we need to inform? 415 00:27:06,840 --> 00:27:09,800 Well, you don't need to tell Mum and Dad. Why? 416 00:27:09,800 --> 00:27:11,600 Because I already told them. 417 00:27:11,600 --> 00:27:15,200 I had no choice. Tim told them I was pregnant, what else could I do? 418 00:27:15,200 --> 00:27:17,760 You could have...adopted a baby! 419 00:27:19,400 --> 00:27:21,600 Well, let's not leave anyone out. 420 00:27:21,600 --> 00:27:23,640 Why don't we just tell the whole world? 421 00:27:23,640 --> 00:27:26,320 Hey, guess what I did in the bath?! 422 00:27:26,320 --> 00:27:29,000 You already told me, you had a massive... 423 00:27:33,480 --> 00:27:35,880 So would you like to have a baby one day? 424 00:27:35,880 --> 00:27:38,840 Maybe. If I meet the right woman. 425 00:27:38,840 --> 00:27:41,120 I'm sure it will be a beautiful moment. 426 00:27:41,120 --> 00:27:43,200 I want to have a baby with you, Lee. 427 00:27:43,200 --> 00:27:44,920 Leave the plug in. 428 00:27:49,680 --> 00:27:53,720 I can't believe you thought it was possible to get pregnant like that. 429 00:27:53,720 --> 00:27:56,080 Yeah, all right, Tim thought it was possible, too. 430 00:27:56,080 --> 00:27:59,920 I know, I don't know what's worse, catching you doing that in the bath 431 00:27:59,920 --> 00:28:02,680 or finding out my brother's sexually retarded. 432 00:28:02,680 --> 00:28:04,360 Definitely the second one. 433 00:28:04,360 --> 00:28:07,400 In fact it's probably enough to make you forget about the first one. 434 00:28:07,400 --> 00:28:09,280 It's not, is it? 435 00:28:10,160 --> 00:28:12,120 Anyway, I can't stop and chat. 436 00:28:12,120 --> 00:28:13,920 I've got a new bathroom lock to fit. 437 00:28:13,920 --> 00:28:16,160 One that works, I hope. 438 00:28:16,160 --> 00:28:20,040 Oh, don't worry, I think it's safe to say I've finally learnt me lesson. 439 00:28:20,920 --> 00:28:24,320 Hey, put your hands where I can see 'em. 440 00:28:24,370 --> 00:28:28,920 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 37254

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