All language subtitles for The.Neighborhood.S03E08.WEBRip.x264-ION10.ing

Whew!

Nine! That's a new record!

Wow, Dave.
You just ran nine miles?

No, I got nine people
to wave back at me.

Well, let's just make it
an even ten.

Bye!

Oh, no.

Don't look now, but here comes
your least favorite neighbor.

[chuckling]:
What are you talking about?

I just waved goodbye to him.

Calvin, it's Walter.

CALVIN:
Oh, goodness.

Wonder what's got his
adult diaper in a bunch today.

Hey, Walter.

Dave. Jackass.

What do you want?

Don't you have
an obituary to be in?

I actually came over
to give you some bad news.

I'm moving.

[chuckles]
Are you kidding?

That's not bad news.
That's great news.

In fact, if I didn't hate you
so much, I would hug you.

You didn't let me finish.

I'm selling my house
to the Cartelli Group.

What?

Uh, who's the
Cartelli Group?

They're big developers.

They've moved into neighborhoods
all around here,

knocking down the original homes
and replacing them

with big, ugly monstrosities.

That's right. And finally,

we'll have a home around here
that matches your face.

Okay, Walter, you
take that back!

Calvin has a
beautiful face!

Okay, Dave, you're not helping.

Although you're not wrong.

And here's the best part.

You're in for a year
of loud trucks

and construction workers
taking pee breaks on your lawn.

And I might even show 'em
where I like to do it.

Come on, Walter.
You can't do this.

Oh, yes, I can. I'm signing
those papers next week.

I'm gonna get
a whole lot of money,

and you're gonna get
a whole lot of this.

[imitates truck]:
Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep,

beep, beep...Can't believe this guy.

He's got some nerve.

And amazing balance.

He just backed up
all the way to his front porch.

♪ Welcome to the block,
welcome to the neighborhood ♪

♪ Welcome to the hood.

We got a problem.

What's the matter, baby?

Walter's selling his
house to a developer.

They're gonna tear it down
and build a giant eyesore.

What? Are you serious?

Yeah.

You know, I've been praying
for Walter to move for years,

but I always meant to heaven.

See, man, this is happening
all over the place.

The developers come in, start
buying up all the houses

and take over
the neighborhood.
Mm.

It's classic
gentrification.

Yup, and then the prices
go through the roof,

the landlords raise the rent,
and good people are forced out.

I can't believe Walter would
do this to the community.

Mm.
You know what?

I'm gonna drink
a gallon of iced tea

and go over there
and water his lawn.

Calvin, I've told you
a thousand times--

use your words,
not your pee.

Uh, yeah, some of
this is on you, Pop.

Maybe if you didn't
antagonize him so much...Mm-hmm.

...he wouldn't have
decided to move.

Who would move out
the neighborhood

just because
I'm mean to 'em?

Uh, present.

Okay, if that's the case,

maybe... there's a way
I could change his mind.

What do you mean?

I mean, maybe
he wouldn't move

if I tried being
a kinder, friendlier neighbor

to that old, wrinkly bastard.

I don't know, Calvin.

Don't you think
it's a little too late for that?

Uh, yeah, Pop.

Maybe you should've
tried being nice to him

back when he was a young,
less wrinkly bastard.

Look, I'm not saying
it's gonna be easy,

but if anyone can do it,
it's me.

After all,

no one can resist
the Calvin Butler charm.

[laughs]
What Calvin Butler charm?

Boy, shut up.
Wasn't nobody talking to you.

Calvin?

There he is.

My main man, Walter--
the Denzel of Pasadena.

Why in the hell
are you raking my yard?

Yeah, look, man, I know

I haven't always been
the best neighbor,

but I got to thinking
I'm gonna turn over a new leaf

and figured
I'd rake a few of yours.

Oh. And I found this $20 bill
on your lawn.

I figured you must have
dropped it.

You know, I don't know
what you're up to, but...

I did drop that 20.

Now, what's this
really about?

If you need a kidney,
it ain't happening.

No, I don't need a kidney.

Although any man would be lucky

to have one of your organs
inside of 'em.

Calvin, I ain't up for
all this Fruity Pebbles stuff.

Oh. Oh, no, man. You know,
I just got to thinking.

We wasted so much time fighting,
when instead

we should've been
getting to know each other.

All right. Well, I'm Walter.

I got a screw in my knee
and a damn fool on my lawn.

You see? I didn't even know
about your knee.

You know what? Why don't you
come over tonight for dinner,

and we just let
bygones be bygones?
No.

No, no, I-I don't
know about that.Ah, come on, man.

What can I do to convince you?

Well, I did lose
another 20 around here.

You sure it wasn't
a ten and two fives?

That'll do.

Okay, dinner's almost ready,

and I'm wearing
a low-cut blouse.

I've done my part.[laughs]

All right, now, remember, no
matter how miserable Walter is,

we got to be nice to him.

But if he starts to choke
on a piece of carrot,

let nature take its course.

I don't get why
this is such a bad thing.

If he sells his house
for a lot of money,

don't all of
our property values go up?

Sure, but some things
are more important than money.

Like the people and the culture
of this neighborhood.

Which is why
I'm never leaving it.

And that means neither am I.

Neighbors for life, bro.

Aw, what the hell.

Let the fake
friendliness begin.

[knock on door]

Okay, now, that's him.

Now, remember, we're smiling,
we're laughing,

and most important,
we're not giving the Heimlich.

Hey, Walter! Come on in!

Hey, Walter!Hi!

Uh, evening,
everybody.

I'm glad to see

you're not take-off-your-shoes
kind of people.

I don't want to be eating while
staring at your nasty feet.

[Calvin laughs]

Well, it's gonna be hard
to keep our shoes on

with you knocking our socks off
with those jokes.

[laughs]

Well, let's get
this party started.

Uh, Tina, lean forward
and pour the man a drink.

So, Walter, why don't you tell
Dave and Gemma here

how we first met.

Who the hell is Gemma?

That would be me.

The one who took you to the ER
when you broke your ankle.

Oh, yeah.
You're a terrible driver,

and your taste in music sucks.

[laughs] This guy's hilarious.

Watch out, Steve Harvey.

We got the next host
of Family Feud.

W-Walter, how did
you guys meet?

Well, it was the first Halloween
after they moved in,

and Calvin brought the boys by
for trick-or-treating.

And I gave 'em each
a ketchup packet,

and I turned
the sprinklers on 'em.

And what's crazy is we were
having hot dogs the next day.

It's like Walter knew
we'd need ketchup.

[laughs softly]

So, can I get anybody anything
from the kitchen?

Well, I'll tell you
what I could use-- some salt.

This food is bland as hell.

Excuse me?

[laughs] There he goes again.

Just Walter being Walter.

Well, Tina about
to be Tina.Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Be cool. Stay cool.

Just keep loading up his plate
with choking carrots.

Well, you know what?
I don't know about you guys,

but I'm having a blast.

You know, too bad
that you're moving.

Otherwise, we could
make this a regular thing.

That'd be nice, but not as nice

as a big pile of money
from that developer.

What's for dessert?

How about some
upside-down-your-head cake?

Come on, Walter.

You can't sell to those guys.

They don't care about
the people around here.

Neither do I. You think
I'd give out ketchup packets

to people I like?

[sighs] Come on, man.

You know, there's got to be
something I can do.

Like what?

I don't know.

Uh...

Maybe...

we could find you another buyer.

What?Yeah. I mean, like,

you said you're not signing the
papers till next week, right?

That gives us a couple of days
to spruce up the place

and find someone who cares
about this neighborhood

as much as we do.

Calvin, we can have
an open house.

I love open houses.

Walter, I'm what's known as
a world-class lookie-loo.

Well, why should I do that?

I already have a buyer.

Because...

I'm gonna get you more money.

Well, I like the sound of that.

But you're also gonna
have to put me up

in a hotel while you do it.

Seriously? A hotel?Yeah.

And not one where you open
the door and you're outside.

I want a hallway.

That's it.

Fine. You know what?
You got a deal.

Good. Now pass me
some more of those carrots.

Go ahead, Tina.

I mean, if it's God's will,
it's God's will.

Oh, my God. I can't believe
how much junk Walter has.

Ugh. I know.

It's like 20 yard sales
threw up in his living room.

Well, on the bright side,

Nixon resigned.

Okay, so maybe this place
isn't exactly move-in ready,

but it's got good bones.

Yeah, if by "bones,"
you mean a skeleton.

Yeah, Calvin,
this is a disaster.

There's no way we can
sell this place in two days.

Come on, guys. This place is
oozing with character.

I mean, check out
the tiled fireplace.

Got the arched
doorways.

And I bet if I pull up

this old, moldy carpet,
I'll find the original...

older, moldier carpet.

This house hasn't been updated
in years.

I know. Look at this
velvet wolf painting.

It's so dusty, I think
this woman used to be White.

You know what?
I can fix that right now.Oh.

I'll just take it down.

[grunts softly]

Uh, Calvin, don't look in there.

I think that's where
the skeleton may be.

Uh-uh-uh, I'm sorry, babe,
but there's no way

we have enough time
to fix this place up.

Unless, of course, you're
talking about Time Magazine,

in which case...
we have all of them.

Come on, it's not as bad
as you guys think.

We'll get Malcolm and Marty
to help us put this stuff away,

then we'll slap on some paint,
replace the furniture with ours.

This place will look great
in no time.

DAVE: Whoa![Tina shouts]

Whoa!

Boom! It's where
the flat-screen goes.

♪

♪ We can never lose,
let's work together ♪

♪ We can be the proof,
let's do it together ♪

♪ We're moving,
cleaning up the mess ♪

♪ We're moving, let's get
down to business ♪

♪ We're moving,
cleaning up the mess ♪

♪ We're moving, let's get
down to business ♪

Hey, good job, bro.

Oh, thanks, man.
I appreciate it.

♪

♪ Okay.

[song ends]

You know, I got to say,

we really did a fabulous job
on this place.

I know.
This place is gorgeous.

Yeah, as long as no one touches
the wet paint,

opens a closet door, or flushes
the toilet, we're gold.

Okay.

Open house starts in an hour.

I posted some pics
to my lookie-loo message board,

and, guys,
let me tell you something.

People are looking to loo.

Oh, I almost forgot.

I was gonna put some
cookies in the oven.

Oh, great idea. That'll make it
feel nice and homey.

Oh, actually, I was just gonna
try to warm this place up.

When I tried to turn on the
heater, the doorbell rang.

[chuckles]

Okay, Calvin,
what do you say?

You ready to sell this bad boy?

You're damn straight.

All we got to do now
is open the door

and let the house sell itself.

I don't know about you, but...
I don't miss it.

You know, and the best
thing about this place is

that you can
move in tomorrow.

And, uh, you didn't
hear it from me,

but I heard Denzel
used to live here.

Okay, cool.
Is that a closet?

Is-is what a closet?

That door behind you.

Oh.

Uh, as a matter of fact, it is.

But unfortunately, someone's
taking a tour of it right now.

And, uh, with the
kitchen right here,

you could be
making dinner

while still keeping an eye
on your kids.

We actually don't
have any children.

Oh. Well, after I show you
the bedroom,

you're gonna want to get busy
making some. Come on.

Malcolm, this thing
weighs a ton.

How much longer do
we have to hold it?

Oh, not too much
longer, man.

Just a couple of hours.

Well, how long has it been?

Three and a half minutes.

Oh, sweet baby Jesus,
this is how it's gonna end.

Wow, Helen, would you
look at this place?

I know, Derek.

This house is a dream come true!

We better put an
offer in quick.

If we don't, we're gonna regret
it for the rest of our lives.

Mother! Father!

Please don't let

this extraordinary opportunity
slip away!

Okay, Oliver Twist,
reel it in.

Malcolm, I can't
keep this up much longer.

Don't you give up.
You can do it.

Okay. Ow!

Oh, that's it. That's it.
I'm going down.

Oh, come on, Marty.
It's just a bottle of water.

Yeah, but it still has
the cap on it.

[both groaning]

Oh!

Well, there you go.

One less thing to dust.

Oh! Oh!

[alarm beeping]Oh, no!

I forgot about
the cookies!

Oh! Oh! Oh!Whoa, whoa.

Hey, guys,
get your offers in quick.

Everybody knows a fire truck
always bring a crowd!

[coughing]

Man, we were
so close.

It was our fault.

Our acting was
way over the top.

What are you talking about?

We were totally believable.

It was Grover
who crapped the bed.

Well, at least you didn't almost
set the house on fire.

Yeah, or drop the mantel.CALVIN:
Come on, guys.

This wasn't any
one person's fault.

You blew it as a group.

Whoa! You guys did
a lot of work around here.

Whoa. Hold on,
hold on, hold on.

Ah, yeah.
All my carpets are still here.

So did you get any offers?

No, but we were really close.

We just need
a little bit more time.

He's right.

In fact, this one couple,

Derek and Helen,
seemed really into it.

Their son was
a little too into it.

I'm sorry, Calvin,
but a deal is a deal.

I gave you two days,
and you couldn't deliver.

I'm signing
those papers tomorrow.

[sighs]

CALVIN:
Come on, Walter.

You can't do this, man.

This community is special.

It has history. It has a soul.

Families have lived here
for generations.

Doesn't that matter to you?

Oh, I'll tell you what matters--
my bank account matters.

And my wolf painting.

It's the only thing
I asked for in the divorce.

Oh, come on, Walter.
My pops is right, man.

This house deserves to be
lived in, not knocked down.

Yeah, man.
Look how nice this place is.

Any family would love
to live here.

Hell, I would love to live here.

Wait a minute.

So you're saying you would
live here if you could?

Absolutely.

In that case, I think
I have a way we can solve this.

Let me buy the house.

Wait. What?

Well, uh, hold on. Calvin.

Uh, I know
it's only one house down,

but if you move,
it'll break my heart.

Look, Tina, look, I know
this is a lot of money,

but if Marty moves in,

his rent could cover
some of the cost.

And I could move in, too.

That would double the rent.

Ooh, actually, I don't know
if I'm looking for a roommate.

[laughs] Okay, but I
know a lot of girls,

and those girls
have friends.

Oh, and just like that,
I got a roommate, Dad.

Think about it, Tina.

This will be good
for the neighborhood,

and it will help our boys
learn to be homeowners.

Plus, we're finally getting
Malcolm out the house.

And if you ask me, that's God
speaking through real estate.

Oh, what the hell.
Let's buy a house.
Yeah!

[cheering]No, no, no. Hold on.
Hold on, all of you!

I haven't agreed to a thing yet.

Oh, God.Come on, Walter.

Now, I know we haven't
always gotten along,

but do the right thing.

Well, I do like the idea
of you having two mortgages.

Plus, you'll be
renting to family,

and that always goes bad.

So... congratulations.

I'm screwing you again.

Well, Calvin, I don't know
about the neighborhood,

but because of you,
the property value of my heart

just went through the roof.GEMMA:
Oh.

Neighbors for life, bro.

Oh, well, what the hell.

Let the fake friendliness
continue.

Well, truck's all loaded.
This is it. Bye, Dave.

Bye, jackass.

Well, I'm glad to see you go.

Although it may not be a hearse,
I guess a moving truck will do.

So, Walter, you never told
us where you were moving.

To a singles retirement
community in Palm Springs.

Seventy percent female.

Oh. Please.

Like you got some game
with the ladies.

Oh, I don't need game.

I got two good hips
and all my teeth.

It's like fishing with dynamite.

Well, you take care
of yourself, Walter.

Yeah, good luck.

Hope you die of a heart attack
while having sex.

Me, too.

Well, you got
to give the guy credit.

After all those years
of fighting,

he did the right thing.

Yeah, he sure did.

You know, not to get
ahead of ourselves,

but what do you think
about us being neighbors

at a retirement
community?

I'll tell you what I think.

[imitating truck]:
Beep, beep, beep,

beep, beep, beep.

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