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1
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If it were me
2
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Like, straight out of an action movie
3
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all bad ass
4
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I would walk up the stairs
5
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to his apartment and be like
6
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"Yo backup singer bitch"
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"Open up!"
[knocking sounds]
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as soon as she opens the door
9
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I'd be like...
10
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[Gunshot]
11
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Seriously?
12
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You SHOT me.
13
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[Opening credits music]
14
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What?
15
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This is about that money pit you're dating.
16
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It's not about the girls he's two-timing you with.
17
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By "money pit"you mean the tone-deaf child
18
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who uses concerts I bankroll as a
personal pussy parade?
19
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Dude, if you shot every girl that monster has ever slept with we're left with like, Sa
20
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and that's it.
21
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Oh no, and me.
22
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Fine. I won't shoot her and
23
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her stupid ugly fat face.
24
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[punching sound]
25
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What?
26
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She surprised me.
27
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Honey! I'm home.
28
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Were we supposed to wear something under these?
29
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Hey babe, I see you met my backup singer.
30
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She's out of the band.
31
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Your guitar never sounded better!
32
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Come on.
33
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Seriously?
34
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You surprise me.
35
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How thoughtful.
36
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Gross.
37
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I'm going to finish you.
38
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Realllly?
39
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'Cause usually I have to do that myself afterwards.
40
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I clothe you. I feed you.
41
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I buy your fancy custom guitar picks.
42
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I'm gonna need more of those, by the way.
43
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And then I find a Myspace page chronicling your rock n roll sexcapades!
44
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Babe!
45
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I'm sorry Jimmy. There's no encore tonight
46
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Oh, now you go down.
47
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Dude.
48
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What?
49
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That is totally unrealistic.
50
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It's a fantasy.
51
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Hmm. It's no fun if it could never happen.
52
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I found it pretty satisfying.
53
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You smudged.
54
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Found it!
55
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It's gonna look so good.
56
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Okay. Fine, let's hear your fantasy.
57
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But good luck coming up with something better than stomach-fucking your boyfriend with his own guitar neck.
58
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This is demeaning.
59
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Ah ah ah ah ah!
60
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I wouldn't do that.
61
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Why? Did you poison it?
62
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No. I mean, mixing red and white.
63
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Oh.
64
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Chop chop ladies! We have
work to do.
65
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Your fantasy is cooking him dinner?
66
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What are you gonna do - kill him with cholesterol?
67
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I'm not going to kill him. I'm going to
serve him his favorite dinner
68
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and show him what women's lib is really about.
69
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Places! Everyone.
70
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Roger will be home any minute.
71
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[Door opens]
72
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You're so late, you must be famished.
73
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Not hungry.
74
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Hey. Hey! Hey!
75
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What is this?
76
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What are you doing?
77
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[screams]
78
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I told you I was making dinner tonight.
79
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I already ate.
80
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Well...then you're gonna fucking eat again!
81
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I have painstakingly prepared this amazing meal for you, Roger
82
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so that you would see what an amazing girlfriend I am to you, Roger.
83
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Why don't you appreciate me, ROGER?
84
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See? Doesn't that feel better?
85
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Yeah it's better.
86
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My fantasy now!
87
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Great. Now I'm a prostitute.
88
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Shhhhh
89
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Babe.
90
00:07:31,400 --> 00:07:31,880
Are you alright?
91
00:07:32,400 --> 00:07:37,040
Latin. Latin. Latin. Latin. Latin. Latin. Latin. Latin.
92
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Wait.
93
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I was just folding your laundry.
94
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Why am I tied up?
95
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Is that firewood?
96
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Why are the girls here? Why is everyone in black? Why are you chanting?
97
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Why is Cher dressed like a prostitute?
98
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Oh oh no... I gotta get a new shirt, I was
gonna take you to that nice little French place tonight.
99
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Oh God, I'm so sorry, does anyone have any club soda? I can get that right out.
100
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That right reminded me of you.
101
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When did you even do that?
102
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Oh God, why am I on fire?
103
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Because you text me too much.
104
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He texts you too much?
105
00:09:19,400 --> 00:09:21,800
Oh my God, it's like non-stop.
106
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'I'm thinking about you, I'm going to the store do you need any tampons?
107
00:09:26,080 --> 00:09:29,440
I made a mash-up of what our children will look like, aren't they adorable?'
108
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So he's sweet and attentive, huh?
109
00:09:34,640 --> 00:09:36,920
Maybe revenge isn't a good idea.
110
00:09:37,920 --> 00:09:40,520
Maybe we should focus on empowerment .
111
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it's like I once said: I'm tough, I'm ambitious
112
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and I know exactly what I want and if that
makes me a bitch - okay.
113
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Honey. That was Madonna.
114
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Yeah I don't really need to kill Jimmy.
115
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He'll just starve without me anyway.
116
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To Empowerment!
117
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To us!
118
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To popcorn!
119
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Let's make some.
120
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So, what should we do with them?
121
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[pop music]
7787
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