Original subtitles

Now, here's a promise.

If you do not lose the match, you're gonna be found

at the bottom of the swimming pool wearing lead boots.

Is there any part of that you don't understand?

And one more thing.

Not a word of this to anybody,

because I will know.

I will know.

Okay.

Oh, great.

All right, boys and girls.

Let's do it.

We got to hurry up.

The mayor himself's gonna want to come out here and play.

Well, what's it for?

Five bucks.

Five bucks? Why don't we make it 110 bucks?

As if he had it.

10's good.

All right, cool. Here, give me back the money.

Give me that money.

Here you go, Princess. Cheers.

All right, classic cross-country golf rules.

You can tee it up anywhere you want to,

but you can't run with it or throw it, Natalie.

Yeah, you gotta hit it over a building,

under a bridge, through the tunnel.

You ready, sports fans?

First one to hole out at the Muni.

May the best woman win.

Ready, set...

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Wait a second!

Shouldn't we give Natalie a head start?

Yeah, shouldn't Natalie have a head start?

You know what, baby? What?

I'm gonna give you a 30-second head start.

What?

You ready? Mm-hmm.

All right, three, two, one!

Oh, that's my girl!

I can't believe you let her have a head start!

She's smarter, faster, and a be better putter than you are.

You know what? A real gentleman wouldn't even ask

that question.

Well, excuse me.

On three, two...

See ya!

Dirty, rotten, cheatin' bastard!

Hey, Lionel?

I'm gonna leave you some money, okay?

This is for food, not for drinks.

God loves you, baby.

What are you doing?

I'm playin' golf.

I love golf.

Augustus Maximus Baccus, this a ain't no golf course.

Well, look at this.

My old Little League coach,

now a uniformed motorcycle cop.

Well, praise the Lord, man.

I feel much safer now.

Well, you winnin'?

Not really.

Well, hell, get on.

You serious?

Come on before somebody pulls out a cell phone.

Yee-haw!

Sir, just a second!

Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Sorry, guys!

I'm trying to beat Augie and Na Natalie to the 18th!

Thank you, Buster!

Hey, I'll share my winnings wit h you, all right?

Oh!

Oh, no! No!

You can't use motorized assistance, you schmuck!

We are filing an official grievance with the committee!

Oh, quit your whinin', babies!

Give me my cash.

I don't have it.

What? You don't have it?

Nope. Gave it to Lionel.

What?!

Gave it to Lionel?

Baby, he had no skin in this match!

Maybe not, but he needs it more than we do.

¶ Oh, when the saints go marchin' in ¶

¶ Oh, when the saints go marchin' in ¶

¶ Oh, how I want to be in that number ¶

¶ When the saints go marchin' in ¶

¶ Oh, when the saints ¶

¶ Oh, when the saints ¶

¶ Go marchin' in ¶

¶ Go marchin' in ¶

¶ When the saints go marchin' in ¶

¶ Oh, how I want to be in that number ¶

¶ When the saints go marchin' in ¶

¶ Oh, when the trumpet ¶

¶ Sounds its call ¶

¶ Oh, when the trumpet ¶

¶ Sounds its call ¶

¶ Oh, how I want to be in that number ¶

¶ When the trumpet sounds its call ¶

¶ Oh, when the trumpet sounds its call ¶

¶ Oh, when the trumpet sounds its call ¶

¶ Oh, how I want to be in that number ¶

¶ When the saints go marchin' ¶

¶ Yes, they go marchin' ¶

¶ Saints go marchin' in ¶

Pardon me.

Can I ask you a question?

Ask and you shall receive.

If Jesus never wrote anything down,

which he didn't,

and people didn't start quotin' him

till hundreds of years after he died,

then how can you be sure he d what he was supposed

to have said?

Well, if I understand your question,

and I think I do, the answer is I can't.

My question to you, since you are obviously a

religious scholar,

is how can you be sure he didn't t?

You got me there.

Here's another weighty one.

Honey orange tangerine

or plum apple purple?

To eat, or to put on your toes?

I'd be happy to provide the answer you want

in exchange for changing the radio station.

No, I think I'll paint my left big toe purple,

and alternate my other toes orange, purple, orange, purple.

Say what now?

And vice-versa on the other foot.

Come on.

Change away.

Thank you.

Here on the final hole

of the City Championship,

tournament leader Augie Baccus

is attempting to play a ricochet shot

off a tree behind the green.

Whoo!

And now, this putt for the win.

Oh!

Baby, what's got you all fired up today?

I think you came in first, second, and third!

Augie. Augie, hi. Can I have a word with you?

Sure. Yes, ma'am.

Okay. Hi,

this is Suzi Simmons reporting live

from the Sure Thing Brake and L Lube City Championship,

where today Augie Baccus shot a 65 in the morning

to tie the course record,

and in the afternoon, came back

and shot a 63 to break the course record by two shots.

That's not a typo, folks.

A one-day event,

and this guy shoots 14 under par

and wins by 15 shots.

So, darlin', tell me how you did that.

Well, uh, three things actually.

One, hard work,

belief in the Almighty,

and, uh, jaw-droppin' talent

all blended together in perfect harmony.

Nah, ma'am, I'm just messin' with you.

Sometimes the good Lord just blesses you.

Well, he sure blessed you today.

Thanks for talking with us, Augie.

Thank you.

Congratulations.

Thank you, ma'am.

Three, two...

One! Go!

Oh, that is me!

That is me again!

Hello!

Keep givin' me quarters!

Keep givin' me quarters!

Anybody here?!

Why do you always have to cheat?

Well, hey, are you out of quarters?

Hi! Hello!

Can we get some service here?

You miss out on it.

Shoot!

Okay, here we go. Ready?

Three, two, one. Get inside the re!

Thank you very much, boys! Oh!

Thank you very much!

Yeah, why don't you just go cheat again?

Good afternoon.

Hi. Sir, and...

Good afternoon.

Good afternoon to your hat.

You work here?

No, I was just, you know, stand in' around

and heard you yellin'.

Ah ha!

Okay. So, good.

So where do we go from here?

Well, judgin' from the looks of things,

you two are not lookin' for a tee time.

Well, you know, things aren't a always what they appear to be.

Thank you, ma'am.

I wouldn't have known that if y you didn't tell me.

Okay, here's the deal.

We were drivin' cross-country.

Heard about that fella

who won the golf tournament today.

And so?

And so, can I meet him?

Well, you can pretty much do

whatever you want around here, mister.

Why do you need to meet him?

Well, I need an answer to a simple question.

Is he really that good?

In golf, it comes down to a number.

Can't put any spin on numbers.

They don't lie.

Well, lookee here.

We wouldn't have known that if you hadn't of told us.

See how beautifully we're all gettin' along?

Well, look, if he's that damn good,

his life could change for the better in a big hurry.

You don't say?

Oh, I do say.

Oh, he says.

All right.

See you on the first tee.

Is that the guy?

Why don't you go find out for yourself?

Looks like the caddy.

Hoo hoo hoo hoo!

Wow.

Yeah, it's not the caddy.

Impressive!

Thank you.

Now, why'd you putt it with one hand?

Well, uh, sometimes we want to have

a left-to-right breaking putt.

I like to putt with my left hand.

Helps me keep my putter square in line.

I drain it most of the time doing it that way.

And you knew you were gonna play

that iron for your second shot?

Yes, sir. Pitching wedge, hard, medium, soft.

It just depends on how I catch my tee shot.

Ha! Well, son, it's a pleasure to meet you.

People call me Riverboat.

This here's Jessie.

Most people call her The Bank.

Oh. Well, why they call you that?

Use your imagination.

Let me cut to the chase here.

Now, I make it my business to understand odds.

You know, the likelihood happenin' or not.

Go on.

Well, no offense,

but most people lookin' at you are not likely to think

you're as good as you may well be.

I also happen to know a few fellas

with lots of cash

who wouldn't mind losing it,

provided they had the right opportunity.

And that might be me?

Might be.

So you're a professional gambler.

Call it what you like.

And you want me to play for you?

I got a suspicion you and me

could do some pretty good damage.

Well, sorry, sir, but I don't gamble.

Well, all you gotta do is play golf and win.

Just collect a share,

that's all.

No, you know, I really like your name,

uh, Mr. Riverboat.

I really do, but I'm not your man.

Well, that's too bad.

You see, I got big dreams.

Big dreams,

I just don't see y'all in 'em.

Well, see, I'm the kind of guy

who's in the business of makin' dreams come true.

That may be the case, but not mine.

It was really nice to meet you folks.

Take care.

Okay.

Shoot.

What's that?

"I'm hungry."

You're hungry?

Baby, you just had a big lunch.

No, silly, I'm practicing like you practice.

I give up.

"I'd like to go to Paris."

You want to take me to Paris?

Paris? Mm-hmm.

I can take you to Paris, baby.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah. I want to be your passport out of here,

show you the world.

How you gonna do that?

Well, big dreams, follow and win,

and a little bit of luck.

Let's start with Paris, Texas, first.

Help us to do the things we should,

to be to others kind and good.

In all we do, work or play,

to grow more loving every day. Amen.

Ah! Let's eat. You hungry?

So how many tried out today?

18 girls and one boy.

Oh, well, we got this in the bag.

How many make the squad?

Eight.

Eight? That's perfect.

All you gotta do is have faith, baby.

It's yours.

How much is a cheerleader uniform?

They didn't say.

Mom, I think we can afford

a cheerleading uniform for Rosie, okay?

No, I know.

She deserves it.

I have faith in you, baby girl.

Jellyfish, pound it!

Pow-wow-wow.

Atta girl.

Want to go to the range with me tonight?

Sure.

Hit some balls?

Work on your putting stroke?

How was your day, Ray?

So-so.

Trying out for our school cheer leading squad.

Oh, just what the world needs,

another cheerleader.

What's this supposed to be?

Chicken Enchiladas. You like it?

And you, son? What'd you do today?

Worked in the shop, practiced.

Why are you wearing your hat in side?

It's disrespectful.

Sorry, Mama.

You call this Chicken Enchilada?

Tastes like chicken shit to me.

Well, you don't have to eat it if you don't like it!

Says who?

Says me.

Hey, Augie.

Look who's growing some balls.

Mama's little boy.

Come on, show me what you got.

No. No, no! Augie, Augie, don't, don't!

Get out.

Fine. Hey.

Hey, Rosie.

Hey, it's okay.

I'm sorry.

I love you, okay? I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

So what you want to do

is you want to dip in the paint, okay?

Obviously.

Take it and pat it back like this.

Tap it on that side and the other side so it doesn't drip.

You see that? Mm-hmm.

What you do is you just take it up here,

back and forth just like that.

Yep, long strokes, longer strokes.

Okay. Yeah, there you go.

They pay 7.50 a hour for this?

Yes, ma'am.

Cool. So any tips for good work?

Sure, I'll give you some tips.

Brush your teeth.

Shower once a day.

Eat your veggies, you little weakling.

Okay, well, I have a tip for you.

Smart asses don't make it to the promised land.

Oh, yeah? Mm-hmm.

You don't think I have a say in the matter?

You got a say.

I already know what you're gonna say.

I would say that you are cocky, arrogant,

and don't appreciate what you got.

Cocky?

Mm-hmm. I say that you ought to be

put on rations for a while.

Rations? Mm-hmm.

So, what? Now I gotta beg for it, huh?

Let's get you off this thing.

Good mornin'!

I heard there was a budding Pi- Picasso around here,

paintin' his masterpiece.

How'd you find us?

Let's just say I got my sources.

Well, that's great.

Source that brush over there

and make yourself useful.

I don't do manual labor anymore.

Neither should you.

Nothin' wrong with manual labor.

Story of my youth, little darlin'.

Augie, you interested in hearing a proposition

that'll pay you more than paint in' 100 houses?

No, sir.

Be a hell of a lot more fun, too.

I found this fat cat

who thinks his home pro can play,

and lucky for us, he's got more money than brains.

Well, Augie's not interested.

He's gonna make money the old-fashioned way.

By winning the U.S. Open, hmm?

Damn straight, pretty girl.

Yep.

Well, I hate to differ with you, kids,

but people been wagerin' on golf matches

long before there was ever a U. S. Open.

Well, just out of curiosity,

how much is more than painting 100 houses?

Ooh...

let's see.

How's that for starters?

It's a thousand dollars.

All I gotta do is play golf?

All you gotta do is play golf.

Today, Beau Rivage,

high noon.

What?

What, babe?

I didn't say yes.

So your boy's so good

that, uh, he don't even have to warm up, huh?

Apparently not.

What's your game?

$5,000 Nassau.

So we're talking 5,000 on the front,

5,000 on the back, 5,000 on 18.

Press when you're pissed off.

I have that right?

As if you have to ask.

Ah. What is that?

It's my horse.

You gotta be kiddin' me.

Let's see.

Okay.

Augie's here, honey.

What? Okay.

Shot.

Afternoon, Augie.

Oops.

Come on.

Okay.

Oh, my Lord.

Shit.

Good-bye.

2 down after two!

So how's it goin' for you there, Boat?

We concede. What the hell you doin'?

I'm playin' golf. What's it look like?

Hogwash. Get out of your head, boy.

Temper's instant death in golf.

It's like boxin', right?

Boxer gets mad, gets too aggressive,

drops his guard, wham!

He's a goner.

God. I hate that fat guy.

Listen to me.

Can you handle this, or can't you?

Yeah, I can handle it.

Shot.

Ha! Whoo!

That's the shot!

Augie! Yeah!

That's it right there.

Okay, son.

We're 1 up on the last hole.

You just nestle that little sucker

right up there next to the jar

and we waltz home smilin'.

Yes, sir.

Go.

Ha ha!

Get legs.

Oh, yes!

And so the pro goes to a watery grave!

Augie, listen to me.

Augie, hey, listen.

Listen here.

All you gotta do...

All you gotta do is hit it over that H20

right up on the green

and snatch victory from the jaw s of the defeat.

All right, now don't screw it up, all right?

All right, all right. You can d o it.

Shh, shh, shh!

Bring it home!

Shh! Shh!

Augie! Come on!

Yes! Whoo!

Whoo!

That's my boy!

So, you concede?

Match ends all square.

Worst possible outcome.

Gentlemen, play one more hole?

Winner takes all?

One hole for 15 Gs?

I don't know. You game?

I don't know. Am I?

Oh!

Baby.

That's good.

Shall we try it?

Might as well.

Hey, can I bum that cigarette?

Shouldn't be smokin'.

It's bad for your health.

What are they doin'?

Never seen it before,

but it's hard to read the break of a putt in the dark,

so she's probably placing that cigarette

at the point where he's gotta h hit it to make it.

And that's fair?

Since when you worried about fair?

Yes! Whoo!

Augie! Ha!

I don't think that that exactly complies

with the rules of the United St States Golf Association.

Well, who said anything about rules?

This is real golf played by real people.

I don't ever want to see your s sorry-ass face around

here again.

You understand me?

Not a problem.

Oh, yeah, real quick.

Your name is Tuffy? Is that right?

Yeah.

Now, why is that?

I'll show you why, you son of a bitch.

Now, that was fun, right?

Had more fun in a dentist's chair.

Well, maybe this will take some of the sting

out of it, darlin'.

Augie, this is your share of to day's winnings.

Plus, a little down payment on your future.

Now, this is cold, hard, U.S. o f A. currency.

You can stick it right straight into your britches,

and Uncle Sam will never know t he difference.

How do you sleep at night?

Like a baby after sucking on hi s mama's tit.

Ha ha!

We'll see you around.

Good job, baby.

Thank you, ma'am.

Just like that,

he signs a deal with the devil.

Nice goin', Augie.

Mmm.

Robbed a bank today, ladies.

Ten freshly minted $100 bills.

Pay for gas, food, rent, whatever you want,

and, Mama, please, please buy you something, okay?

Buy something nice.

Augie, where did you get this?

Playin' golf.

I won it fair and square.

Oh...

Rosie, got somethin' for you.

Mama! Mama! Look!

My cheerleading uniform!

You like it? Yeah?

Look what's in there!

There's more! Yeah?

Ohh!

Do you like it, baby girl? Huh?

Do you like it?

Well, go try it on.

Go try it on.

Augie? Hmm?

Mama, it's yours.

Now, first thing is,

this ain't no U.S. Open,

which means you can move your b all

even if it's in the rough,

'cause most players do it anyway,

and since I'm doin' the talking here,

I'll go ahead and call the first game.

It'll be Lakewood,

better known as Screaming Jesus,

which for those who are unwashed d and uninitiated,

that means that you can do absolutely anything

on God's green earth to your opponent,

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Enough of the bullshit, Little John.

Let's play golf. Let's go.

$1,000 a hole, three ways?

Low ball wins.

You boys bring plenty of cash?

Does an armadillo have balls?

I actually don't know. Does he?

Can we get this thing started, please?

Step back. Give the boy a lil peace and quiet, please.

So you can scream?

Hey! Hey! Hey!

Ball.

Nice hit, my friend.

Good ball. Good ball.

I didn't see it. Did you see it?

Oh, it's way down there!

It's way down there.

I'm gonna take your... I'm gonna take your tees, John Tom.

You can do whatever you like, son.

All right, here we go.

Come on, Augie.

Y'all just keep your mouth shut.

Excuse us, gentlemen.

Yeah, I'll take that.

We'll eat that up.

Show 'em what you got, baby.

Show 'em what you got.

Hey, hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa, who a!

Where y'all goin'?

We ain't stoppin' any body!

We ain't gonna interfere with anybody!

Hit them. Hit them.

Don't even worry about the fair way.

Yeah! Get outta here!

Oh! Ho!

That's a tough one , double breaker.

Hey, tie your shoe, Augie.

Look at my putter. Lo ok at my putter, Augie!

Look at my putter! Now look at my hand!

Which one are you supposed to look at?

Oh, no! What are you...

Oh!

Whoo! Yes!

Smooth, baby.

All right, John Tom.

Just concentrate there, man.

Putter getting hot?

Don't look at this.

Don't look at this. Look at your ball.

Look at your ball.

Whoo!

Blanks!

Jessie, baby, do the honors.

Man, that's crazy! He has a gun?

Really, Riverboat?

Petit Jean, thank you, doll.

Get me some of them red-bottom shoes.

So, Riverboat, you're a man of action.

Let's have a little action, huh?

Let's bet I can put this on the green

with this here putter.

Say what?

What part of that didn't you understand?

With your putter?

With my putter.

I can tell you right now, I'll take that bet.

How sure are we?

Pretty damn sure.

Okay, thrill-seekers. Side bet.

2 grand says that Augie cannot put that ball

on that green with that putter.

Honey, we down with this?

No guts, no glory.

Good luck.

That's gonna make it!

Oh-ho!

Oh, baby! Ho!

Bam!

$2,000, please!

Congratulations.

Whoo!

John Tom, we still got 2 grand on this hole

from the original bet.

I want you to pretend

like you're Tiger Woods at the Masters

and ram that sucker in the jar.

Guarantee Augie will miss.

There it is. Come on, baby.

Come on for papa! Come on!

Come on! No, John Tom!

I'd rather stick my arm

in the south end of an angry bull headin' north

than for you to leave that putt short!

I'll tell you what, Little John, calm down.

I'll let you buy this putt right here for $1,000.

And sacrifice my manhood in the process?

No, thank you.

Augie, do what you gotta do.

Ah ha. All right, Augie.

Yeah! Olé!

Come on!

Love that, baby.

No, no, no, no!

I hate golf!

That's unfortunate.

Oh, no.

Oh! Oh!

Pleasure doing business with you, baby.

I wish I could say the same.

Okay, come here.

I got you.

I love this game.

Uno, dos, tres, cuatro, cinco, seis,

7, 8, 9, 10 Benjamins.

Don't spend it all in one place, baby.

Oh, don't you worry about that.

Siete, darlin'.

I know. It's just it doesn't rhyme.

That's why I always forget it.

So where's your girlfriend?

She's missin' out on all the fun.

Oh, she, uh...

She's taking French classes.

She really wants to go to Paris.

Something about a past life attraction or something.

Too bad she's not a little more obsessed

with makin' money in this life.

So, Riverboat, what got you caught up

in all this racket anyway?

Well, now...

Well, when I was a kid,

I was pretty good at pitchin' horseshoes.

One day after I got whipped pretty good

for the few dollars I had,

I discovered the son of a bitch

had moved the pitch back one foot, 41 feet.

I tracked his sorry ass down

and asked for my money back.

You should have kicked his ass.

Yeah, well, I did get my money back.

And then he taught me some things

much more valuable than money.

What's that?

Well...

Uh, see that watermelon over there?

Yeah.

Now, what are the odds that you could

pitch one of these cards across the room

and have it stick in that melon?

I would say the odds are pretty good it can't be done.

Okay. Stick one of them $100 bills

you just won on that table.

Ahem.

By The Bank, baby.

You ready?

Ready?

Ha!

Oh!

Wow!

See, if you try to pitch it nor mal like a baseball,

won't stick,

but if you pull it back by your wrist

and then fling it out backwards,

it generates more velocity.

Card flies sure and straight and...

Holy shit!

Wow!

Sticks in there.

Thats... That's magic!

Yeah, well, the art of gamblin'

is to make the other guy think it is what it appears to be

when you've made damn good and sure it's not.

So it never is what it seems.

Never. Or near enough never.

Boy, you sure like to live the hustle, Mr. Riverboat.

Oh, he'd rather be buried alive six feet under

in a cement casket with a bet h e couldn't get out

than live a day without some action.

All right!

All right, show's over, folks.

Best dinner I ever had.

Raymond!

Augie! Augie, come quick! It's Mama!

Raymond, get!

He's hurting Mama!

Come quick, Augie!

Mommy!

Morgan! Morgan, he's back!

Hey! Get off of her!

Get off of her!

Mama, get her out of here and l lock the door! Hurry!

We stay together!

Go!

You ungrateful woman!

I got my rights!

You have no rights in this house! Now get out!

Who's gonna pay the bills, you?

Who in their right mind's gonna want to take care of...

We don't need your damn money!

Now get outta here!

All right.

All right, you want me to leave?

Yeah.

I'll leave! Huh?

Get out of here!

Augie!

Not so fast, Raymond.

Now, we got a call

about a domestic disturbance at this address.

I don't suppose you know anything about that, do you?

You leave this house before I s ay,

you'll regret you did.

Now, who you suppose did all this?

I'm sorry this happened to you, Bethie.

Very sorry.

You know what, Raymond? You're under arrest.

Consider this your Miranda.

Come on.

¶ To hear it told ¶

¶ I am the man of the hour ¶

¶ But my hold is starting to slip ¶

Whoo! Ha!

Yeah!

Come on!

Where'd you learn to hit it like that?

Jack Nicklaus.

I always try to do what he did

just the way he did it.

Hoo!

And I assume you can hit all the shots...

cuts and draws in bunches.

My Lord.

Whoo-hoo!

See you later.

See you later.

¶ But I suspect that my enemies are plotting ¶

Hey.

Is there no place to hide from you?

Sorry to disturb, little darlin '. My bad.

But I thought you wouldn't mind for this.

Listen, partner,

we done worn out our welcome around here.

It's time to move on to greener pastures.

Las Vegas, baby.

Where the big fish swim.

Along with every shark known to man.

To kill a shark, all you need t to do is think like a shark.

Darlin', this ain't no time

to walk away from a winnin' hand.

How much could I make?

Why don't we put it this way?

You come to Vegas, you play half decent,

can stand the heat in the kitchen?

You'll make $100,000 guaranteed.

$100,000?

Cash money.

And about how much will you make?

Enough to make it worth my while.

Baby, I never been to Vegas.

Well, you never been to hell, either.

About time you came.

Great city.

Entertainment capital of the world.

Will you excuse me?

Have a pleasant evening.

My daddy always said you fly with the crows,

you get shot with the crows.

Babe, where you going?

Hey, Natalie?

Natalie.

You goin' my way, gorgeous?

Get lost.

Come on, Natalie. Look, you had your fun.

I don't even recognize you anymore, Augie.

Natalie, look at me.

There are things that you don't know, okay?

Okay, here's what I do know.

I know that if you don't care a bout your own damn dreams,

how can you care about your girlfriend's

or anything else in your whole damn life you pretend to love?

Natalie.

Natalie?

Hey.

Natalie? Natalie.

Knock it off.

I need you to be my friend right now.

Okay. You want me to be your friend?

Follow your heart, baby, not your wallet.

Hey, did you know that Lee Trevino

and Raymond Floyd played in big - Time money matches?

Lee Trevino.

Okay, Augie.

You walk this path...

and you walk it without me.

No, listen.

I need to tell you something.

Look at me.

I need for you to listen, okay?

Afterwards, you can do whatever the hell you gotta do.

Just listen.

Well, this better be good.

I haven't told this to anybody.

One night, when I was coming ho me

from basketball practice in high school...

I heard a baby crying in a dumpster.

I opened it up and there was this little girl.

And I picked her up, and I held her.

I didn't know what to do.

And I took her home,

and I handed her to my mom,

and she held her like her own.

And we called the police stations.

We called the TV stations and t he newspapers,

and no one claimed her.

She wasn't missing. She was abandoned.

Rosie?

Yeah, Rosie.

I wanted to give her a decent life,

and that's what we're doin'.

We'll tell her someday when she 's older.

But I gotta get my family and you,

I gotta get us out of this sorry-ass life.

Babe, look, you're doin' it for the right cause,

but it's not the right solution.

But there ain't nobody else.

I'm just sayin' Riverboat is no the answer, okay?

He's a one-way ticket to hell.

Is your soul judged for that?

All right, you know what?

I know I can't talk you out of this,

so you go do whatever it is the hell you gotta do.

But when you think about this 2 0 years from now,

just remember you did this to yourself, okay?

¶ Drivin' down a lonely road ¶

¶ Seein' my head explode ¶

¶ Tryin' to snuff out the fear ¶

¶ Runnin' from the man inside ¶

¶ Runnin' from my father's pride ¶

¶ Runnin' with my girl by my side ¶

Flippity-flop, gents.

Check.

Check.

Cost you $5,000 to play, boys.

I fold.

My sentiments exactly.

Well, I can't let you have all the fun. Call.

Turn.

Sure.

Bet is 20 Gs.

Ooh, bold, decisive, aggressive.

I like that in a man.

Call.

River card, ladies.

Bam! King of diamonds.

Poker time.

Possible straight, possible flu sh.

I don't think you got the goods, my friend.

$50,000 finds out.

On the other hand, you might ha have kings tucked under there.

Mm-hmm. Well, how curious are you to find out?

Curious enough.

I will see your 50,

and bump it to 100.

Didn't your mama ever teach you

that it's impolite to wear a ha t indoors?

Didn't your mama teach you it's impolite

to ask a stranger an impolite question?

Well, she obviously

never taught you that's it impolite

to answer a question with a question.

And I raise you another 100.

Call.

Uno king.

Tres hombres, kings. Ai!

Ooh, diamonds are a g girl's best friend.

Oh, Ty-D-Bol, flush time.

So the flush beats three kings.

I know what it beats.

What are the odds on that?

About five to one.

You wouldn't be cheatin' me, would you, friend?

I take it you're not serious out that question.

Like a heart attack.

Tell you what.

Since you're so stressed out

about someone cheatin' you, how about we cut cards?

No possible cheatin' in that.

You just can't get enough of my money, can you?

Only if you're in the mood.

I'm always in the mood.

You call the stakes.

How much you figure you got over there?

450,000, give or take.

Well, I guess 450,000 it is.

All right.

That look all right to you?

Looks real good.

Be my guest.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Jumpin' Jack from the house of spades.

Nice draw.

Ooh!

Want to buy off the hand?

Nah, you would not respect a ma n

who turned tail and ran, now, would you?

Lord, Lord.

Oh!

Look at that.

Queen just beats that Jack.

Must be my lucky day.

Comin' right up.

Oh, hey there.

I'm sorry. Must be the wrong suite.

Right suite, right time.

Step right this way, sweetheart.

You can put these over here, baby, right here.

Okay. Uh, hey, fellas. I got me meatball and, uh, some veggies

for those of you who want to lo se some weight.

How about we try a little Omaha?

Oh, now, now, come on now, brother.

We been playing cards for 10 hours straight.

Man's gotta stretch his bones,

eat sometime.

Don't ever call me brother again.

All right.

I want to be a gentleman about this.

Now, give you a sportin' chance to get your money back.

Yeah? What do you got in mind?

Well, how about we change venue s?

Settle this at a pool table

or a racetrack or a golf course?

This is Las Vegas, my friend.

Pool takes too long.

We don't deal with animals.

They don't listen to reason.

Suit yourself.

You know somebody around here

who's pretty good at playing golf?

You bring your fast gun, I bring mine.

Hmm. Who you got?

Hey, you!

Me?

Yeah, you. You play golf?

Yeah.

You any good?

I'm okay.

You ever play in competitions?

Back in high school.

You win?

Well, uh,

you know, I'm a little modest t o say who won,

but, uh, I will tell you that t he others lost.

Ha! That's good enough for me.

See, I have to give my new friend here a cinch bet.

You free for some fun in the sun?

Yeah. What I gotta do?

Just play 18 holes of golf

and try as hard as you can.

Sounds good. I just, uh...

I gotta be done by 6:00.

That's when my shift starts.

Okay. We know where to find you.

Cool. Enjoy the pizza.

Thank you, baby!

Gentlemen?

You want a piece?

You gotta be kiddin'.

I don't eat delivered pizza.

Of course, you don't,

big spender.

You knew what was goo d for your health,

you'd surrender that cash

and get your ass out of town as fast as you can.

That sounds like you're a scrawny, little schoolboy

runnin' from the class bully.

Trust me.

You do not want to lock horns w with Jimmy Diamonds.

And why is that?

All I'm sayin'

is Jimmy Diamonds just as soon kill you as lose.

Uh!

Hey! You lookin' at me?

Ahh!

The Indonesian Infiniblade.

What can't it cut through?

Ooh!

Did you order a large?

I hope there's sausage on that.

Today at the Merion Cricket Club

outside Philadelphia,

the young phenom, Aaron Bolt,

captured his second consecutive American Amateur Championship,

leaving no question about his e merging dominance.

Many experts are beginning to predict

he will be the next great American golfer.

¶ Everything is tellin' m e ¶

¶ To finally give up ¶

¶ On you ¶

¶ Ain't it true? ¶

¶ But I love you ¶

¶ I love you ¶

¶ My la-la-la la-la-la-love ¶

¶ I love you ¶

¶ I love you ¶

¶ Oh, why do I feel... ¶

What'll it be?

Hey, buddy, there's a two-drink minimum for the show.

Excuse me?

If you're gonna stay,

you're gonna have to order a drink.

Oh, uh, right. Um, yeah, sorry.

What do you like?

What do you got?

What?

What do you recommend?

Me, I like, uh, vodka,

splash of cranberry with a twist.

Perfect. Sounds healthy. Count me in.

¶ But I love you ¶

¶ I love you ¶

¶ My la-la-la la-la-la-love ¶

¶ I love you ¶

¶ I love you ¶

¶ Oh, why do I feel so bad for you ¶

¶ My love ¶

Hey, Lana!

I have had it with you coming o n

to every swingin' dick that walks through that door!

I'm a performer. It's a show.

Grow up, asshole!

Hey!

Get your hands off her!

Get lost, jerk!

That's funny. I could tell the same thing to you.

What the hell do you think you' re doin'?

I'm was gonna take a leak.

But now I'm gonna kick your ass if you touch her again.

Do you know this asshole?

Yeah. He's a black belt in karate.

I'm tempted to find out.

Suit yourself.

Thanks.

You, uh...

You sing really good.

I have my moments.

The bathroom is down the hall on the right.

Make sure to wash your hands.

I'll wash my hands before and after.

It sounds interesting.

What's the catch?

There's no catch. There's no downside.

And you get to keep 10% out of the take.

So all I gotta do is beat one g guy I've never heard of?

One guy.

That sounds simple enough.

Yeah?

Riverboat's here.

Bring him in.

You ever wondered

what the devil himself looks like?

Behold.

Aaron, say hi to Riverboat.

Riverboat, Aaron Bolt,

the number-one-ranked amateur in the world.

Ah-ah, don't shake his hand.

He's probably got a tack taped to his palm.

You really as good as everybody says?

You don't have to answer that.

He's just messin' with your head.

No, I'm better.

Wow.

On that promisin' note,

maybe we should talk about the match.

Okay, talk.

Have you given any thoughts

about what the bet should be?

Have I given any thought to what t the bet should be?

Yes, I have, as a matter of fact.

One game, 18 holes,

$500,000 cash money, as you like to say.

No side bets, and none of the other bullshit

that you like to conjure up.

$500,000, and my boy's gotta play Aaron Bolt,

the hottest young player in the game today.

You bring your gunslinger,

I bring mine.

Aw, no.

Rocky Balboa versus Apollo Creed.

Well...

Mmm, damn it.

Ooh, okay.

Okay.

Except I think we should stop p pussy-footin' around

and play for an even million.

You want to... You want to bet a million,

and you haven't seen my man play?

Ubatz.

Probably a little ill-advised o f me,

but there it is.

Where?

Wynn, Las Vegas.

Ha. Wynn, Las Vegas.

Now, they don't allow two-bit hoodlums

like you on that course.

If that isn't the pot callin' the kettle black.

But they do allow current U.S. American champions,

thus, the tee time.

Verification of cash at a location

to be determined in the morning.

Two players at Wynn, Las Vegas.

18 holes, million dollars to the winner.

Life-changing.

What's your player's name?

No, he doesn't have a name.

Well, has he played in any national tournaments?

No. No, he doesn't.

Game on?

Yeah, game on. Now get outta here.

Fuckin' clown.

Hey, God bless you, man. Anything?

It's tough.

Yeah.

Thanks, man.

Hey! Hey!

Hey! Oh!

Really?! Watch where you're goin'!

¶ And I don't want to hurt the one I love ¶

¶ It's all around me ¶

¶ Trouble ¶

¶ I know you never hurt the one you love ¶

¶ And I don't want to hurt the one I love ¶

¶ Please don't make me hurt the one I love ¶

¶ Yeah ¶

Thank you.

Man, drinking alone in Vegas,

the weight of the world on his shoulders.

Baby, I can make all your troubles go away.

I wouldn't be too sure about that.

Doctor, one more of whatever he 's having

and a Scotch neat for the lady.

¶ Sea lion woman, sea lion ¶

¶ She drank coffee, sea lion ¶

¶ She drank tea, sea lion ¶

¶ And he gamble lie, sea lion ¶

¶ Way down yonder, sea lion ¶

¶ I'm gonna maul, sea lion ¶

¶ And a rooster crow, sea lion ¶

¶ And he got no lie, sea lion ¶

¶ Sea lion woman, sea lion ¶

¶ She drank coffee, sea lion ¶

¶ She drank tea, sea lion ¶

¶ And he gamble lie, sea lion ¶

¶ And he gamble lie, sea lion ¶

¶ And he gamble lie, sea lion ¶

Let me take care of this, baby.

¶ Sea lion woman, sea lion ¶

¶ She drank coffee, sea lion ¶

¶ She drank tea, sea lion ¶

¶ And he gamble lie, sea lion ¶

¶ Way down yonder, sea lion ¶

¶ I'm gonna maul, sea lion ¶

¶ And the rooster crow, sea lion ¶

¶ And the rooster crow, sea lion ¶

¶ And the rooster crow, sea lion ¶

¶ And he got no lie, sea lion ¶

Well, well.

Caught with your pants down.

Not so much fun, is it?

Your man and I have arranged for a game.

You're gonna play this young kid,

who I believe is destined to be

one of the all-time greats.

Frankly, I think that he can be at you,

but I need for you to be sure t hat he does.

You understand?

I asked you a question.

Do you understand?

He's deaf.

Now, here is a promise.

If you do not lose the match,

you're gonna be found at the bottom

of the nearest swimming pool we wearing lead boots.

Is there any part of that you don't understand?

And one more thing.

Not a word of this to anybody,

because I will know.

I will know.

Goin' somewhere?

Apparently not!

You're obviously not payin' attention, boy.

Get in.

I didn't bargain for any of this, Riverboat.

Oh, yes, you did.

Are you stupid?

You blind, or both?

You realize if you vanish what happens to me?

No.

Why, in this town once a bet's made,

if the player doesn't show up,

the bet is forfeited.

Gone.

Las Vegas rules.

So this great escape of yours would cost me

million dollars cash money.

Riverboat, Jimmy Diamonds came to my hotel room last night.

He told me if I didn't lose this match,

he's gonna kill me.

Now...

Now you know what your life's worth

on the open market.

So Jimmy Diamonds threatened to kill you

if you don't lose.

Let me give you one more piece of information.

If you don't win, I'm gonna kill you.

You win, you're dead.

You lose, you're dead.

How's it feel to be caught in a squeeze?

Here's a reminder.

Now, Aaron Bolt's gonna show up.

He's gonna play 18 holes of golf.

If you don't show up and win...

your whole world come tumblin' down.

Hey.

What the hell is going on?

I've been calling and calling and texting you!

Baby, I need for you to listen to me, okay?

I gotta tell you something really quick.

I need for you to listen to me carefully, okay?

No, no, no! It's not okay!

Why haven't you called me or your mother?

Natalie, please just listen to me.

I gotta tell you

you're probably the most perfect person that I ever met.

I'm sorry that I didn't make you u feel like it sometimes.

Augie, no one is perfect.

You just...

I mean, you sound like a different person.

Here's the second thing.

And this is hard. No, kiddin', okay?

So no flinchin'.

I need you take care of my mama and Rosie.

If somethin' happens to me,

promise me that you will take c are of them no matter what.

Augie? What the hell is going o n?

Okay, you're gonna tell me what 's going on right now,

or I'm gonna hang up.

We good.

We good.

We're good.

Jessie holds the money in my limo,

and Lorenzo and O.D. handle security.

How about Lorenzo and O.D. hold the money in my car

and Jessie can kiss my ass?

Ass-kissing comin' right up.

Good luck.

You, too.

What's your name?

I'm Augie.

Aaron.

I know. Aaron Bolt.

Good day, gentlemen.

I see you've already met.

Yeah, we met.

And we're clear what the stakes are.

Yeah.

Okay, then.

Since we're the visiting team,

I think we should have the honors.

Augie? Play away, please.

Shot.

Get up!

Get up!

Get up, get up.

Numero uno.

Cha cha cha.

Too bad.

Damn it!

Two down.

Got any 4s?

Go fish.

You got any jacks?

Man.

Ha ha!

Hand 'em over, sucker.

Four jacks for me.

Do I get to ax again?

Keep goin'.

Hey! Hold off a minute!

Excuse me.

One minute!

Whoo!

Sorry.

Who's the broad?

Never seen her before.

Why do I think you're lyin'?

Maybe 'cause you always think I 'm lyin'.

Hey, handsome.

Who are you?

The enemy.

That's too bad.

Oh, wow, what a beautiful hole.

And the water, it's just...

Yeah.

Okay.

Good luck.

Shit.

Sit, ball!

Sit!

Let's go, Augie.

Get in!

Get in there! Yes!

Oh, yeah.

Do you remember our conversation?

Yeah. How could I forget?

Make sure you don't.

You got this.

It's good.

That's good.

Augie.

Nice putt.

Yeah. Yeah.

Match even goin' in the last ho le.

Your appointment with destiny h as arrived.

What about Jimmy Diamonds?

Why don't you win this one?

Win this for your family.

Final hole,

last out in baseball,

final play in football,

last minute in a basketball game.

Moment of truth.

This is what we play for

Mm-hmm.

Where the hell is he?

Preparing to put the final dagger

into your wicked heart.

I don't know what you're up to,

but a million dollars says

you're not gonna get away with it.

What the hell is this?

Gentlemen, sorry to interrupt y our game,

but I'm with the Internal Revenue Service, the IRS.

I trust you've heard of it.

What is the problem, officer?

You Reese Baudry, aka Riverboat?

That must make you James Diamondes,

also known as Jimmy Diamonds.

This is a private game being played on private property.

But becomes a federal offense

when people are gambling illegally.

See, the IRS and the FBI

have been monitoring your gambling activities in

various state s.

Seems the two of you live pretty y high off the hog

with no apparent income.

But you get a chance to explain that to a federal judge.

We're placing you under arrest

for suspicion of income tax evasion.

You have the right to remain silent...

No, no, no. Save it!

This isn't gonna hold up in court!

Check your history.

This is exactly how we busted Al Capone.

You're gonna pay for this.

We'll see who pays.

Take 'em away, boys.

The rest of you are free to go.

But in future,

I'd pay more attention to the company you keep.

Hey, haven't I seen you before?

Only in your dreams. Have a nice life, lady.

Don't get jinky with me!

Your dreams will turn into nightmares

when we sort this all out!

What is this?

Oh, come on. FBI, my ass.

We're being kidnapped by the Taliban.

Ahh.

Oh, really? Really?

You two really think you're gonna get away with this, huh?

On your knees now.

No.

Ho! Ho! Whoa!

Who taught you how to shoot?

My daddy since I was 11.

You in on this?

Yeah, I was gonna ask you the same.

So, Riverboat, you remember that deal

we made before we came to Las Vegas?

You said I could win $100,000 guaranteed.

Now, you boys put up $1 million each.

So now I am taking $100,000 of it exactly as you said.

Not a penny more and not a penny less,

because I believe I earned it.

You really think

you're gonna get to keep all of that money?

You're gonna have to kill us, both of us!

Now, in this suitcase to my left,

we got $1.9 million,

and in this suitcase to my right,

we got a loaded gun.

Here's the deal, gentlemen.

One of you guys are gonna get

your initial million dollars,

plus 900,000 for your troubles.

And the other one?

Well, not gonna make it home

for supper tonight unfortunately.

Come on now, boy.

You're in way over your head.

Now, one of us is gonna survive this charade,

and guess what?

You'll be the first point of business.

That's right.

Really? Well, we've already

figured that one, didn't we, baby?

Mm-hmm.

You see, that IRS agent that arrested you boys,

he's actually the chief of police in my hometown,

and he's a family friend.

So if anything happens to me,

he's gonna know who did it.

He's gonna track you down to the e ends of the earth

and make sure that justice is served.

Got it? Yeah.

You got 'em, baby?

Yep.

Ow. All right.

Shit.

Hey, you little...

Hey!

Gentlemen.

Nice doin' business with you.

May the worst man lose!

¶ When I wake up, well, I know I'm gonna be ¶

¶ I'm gonna be the man who wake s up next to you ¶

A ah!

¶ Yeah, I know I'm gonna be ¶

¶ I'm gonna be the man who goes along with you ¶

¶ If I get drunk, well, I know I'm gonna be ¶

¶ I'm gonna be the man who gets drunk next to you ¶

¶ And if I haver, yeah, I know I'm gonna be ¶

¶ I'm gonna be the man who's haverin' to you ¶

¶ But I would walk 500 miles ¶

¶ And I would walk 500 more ¶

¶ Just to be the man who walked ¶

¶ A thousand miles to fall down at your door ¶

¶ When I'm workin', yes, I know I'm gonna be ¶

¶ I'm gonna be the man who's workin' hard for you ¶

¶ And when the money comes in f or the work I do ¶

¶ I'll pass almost every penny on to you ¶

¶ When I come home, oh, I know I'm gonna be ¶

¶ I'm gonna be the man who come back home to you ¶

¶ And if I grow old, well, I know I'm gonna be ¶

¶ I'm gonna be the man who's gr growin' old with you ¶

¶ But I would walk 500 miles ¶

¶ And I would walk 500 more ¶

¶ Just to be the man who walked ¶

¶ A thousand miles to fall down at your door ¶

¶ Da-da-da-da ¶

¶ Da-da-da-da ¶

¶ Da-da-da-da ¶

¶ Da-da-da-da ¶

¶ Dun-da-la-dun-da-la-dun da-la -da-da-da ¶

¶ Da-da-da-da ¶

¶ Da-da-da-da ¶

¶ Da-da-da-da ¶

¶ Da-da-da-da ¶

¶ Dun-da-la-dun-da-la-dun da-la -da-da-da ¶

¶ When I'm lonely, well, I know I'm gonna be ¶

¶ I'm gonna be the man who's lonely without you ¶

¶ And when I'm dreamin', well, I know I'm gonna dream ¶

¶ I'm gonna dream about the time e when I'm with you ¶

¶ When I go out ¶

¶ When I go out ¶

¶ Yeah, I know I'm gonna be ¶

¶ I'm gonna be the man who goes along with you ¶

¶ And when I come home ¶

¶ When I come home ¶

¶ Yes, I know I'm gonna be ¶

¶ I'm gonna be the man who come back home with you ¶

¶ I'm gonna be the man who's comin' home with you ¶

¶ But I would walk 500 miles ¶

¶ And I would walk 500 more ¶

¶ Just to be the man who walked ¶

¶ A thousand miles to fall down at your door ¶

¶ Da-da-da-da ¶

¶ Da-da-da-da ¶

¶ Da-da-da-da ¶

¶ Da-da-da-da ¶

¶ Dun-da-la-dun-da-la-dun da-la -da-da-da ¶

¶ Da-da-da-da ¶

¶ Da-da-da-da ¶

¶ Da-da-da-da ¶

¶ Da-da-da-da ¶

¶ Dun-da-la-dun-da-la-dun da-la -da-da-da ¶

¶ Da-da-da-da ¶

¶ Da-da-da-da ¶

¶ Da-da-da-da ¶

¶ Da-da-da-da ¶

¶ Dun-da-la-dun-da-la-dun da-la -da-da-da ¶

¶ Da-da-da-da ¶

¶ Da-da-da-da ¶

¶ Da-da-da-da ¶

¶ Da-da-da-da ¶

¶ Dun-da-la-dun-da-la-dun da-la -da-da-da ¶

¶ And I would walk 500 miles ¶

¶ And I would walk 500 more ¶

¶ Just to be the man who walked ¶

¶ A thousand miles to fall down at your door ¶

¶ Comin' down a lonely road ¶

¶ Seein' my head explode ¶

¶ Tryin' to snuff out the fears ¶

¶ Runnin' from the man inside ¶

¶ Runnin' from my father's pride ¶

¶ Runnin' from the girl by my s ide ¶

¶ And all of our lives ¶

¶ Are lived inside once it arrives ¶

¶ And all of our dreams ¶

¶ They fall apart at the seams ¶

¶ Seein' me walk away ¶

¶ Nothin' more she can say ¶

¶ Money has affected my heart ¶

¶ It's taken its toll on me ¶

¶ And all the family ¶

¶ Watch me let it ride ¶

¶ And all of our lives ¶

¶ Are lived inside once it arrives ¶

¶ And all of our dreams ¶

¶ They fall apart at the seams ¶