All language subtitles for Mr.Mayor.S01E04.WEBRip.x264-ION10

.

- Alexa, what's the temperature
in Sacramento?

- The weather today
in Sacramento is sunny

with a forecasted high
of 71 degrees.

- That's my capital city.

Alexa, play a song
about Sacramento, California.

- I'm sorry.

I don't know any songs
about Sacramento, California.

- Whoa.
Then let's make one up.

♪ I'm packing for the Sac'

♪ Sweet Sacramento

♪ There's no takin' it back

♪ Do me right, Sacramento

♪ Ho, yeah

Alexa, what's the population--

- Sorry, Arpi.

I really need to get
my kids' breakfast now.

- Of course.
Sorry, Alexa.

I'm just excited
'cause I'm going to--

- Sacramento.
I know.

Jeez.

[bright music]

♪

- The parks department
finally cleaned

the bat guano
off the Hollywood sign

and returned it
to its original orange color.

- Sorry I'm late.
- Good morning, Mr. Mayor.

How was your weekend?

- Oh, I had a fantastic weekend
with Orly.

We went to Huntington Gardens
for the honey festival.

- So nice.

Okay, uh, where was I?

- They have this thing
where you get to decorate

a little tote bag,

and then you get
to keep the tote bag.

- Your life is a movie, sir.
- Next item.

Uh, this is a heat map
of violent crimes and--

Sir, you're AirPlaying
your phone.

- I know.

I wanna show everybody
a picture of the tote bag.

- Ooh, a bee apartment.

- Okay, uh, other items
while we wait.

Deputy Mayor Meskimen
and Mr. Kwapis

will be driving up
to Sacramento

to present our
anti-oil-drilling initiative.

- Los Angeles has over
a thousand drilling sites,

many within a hundred yards
of schools and homes.

I was pleasantly shocked

when Mayor Bremer
agreed with my plan--

- Oil's dumb.

We're California.

We should be leading the way
on this stuff.

Solar power, wind,
fire power--

Is that a thing?
'Cause fires we got.

- If I can convince
the governor

to prioritize the health
of our communities--

- Oh, there it is.
[chuckles] Tote bag.

- Oh, she is majestic.

- [laughs]
[cell phone ringing]

Wait, what's happening?

- I think your daughter's
school is calling.

- It's a phone call, sir.
- Oh, yeah. Hello.

- You have to turn your phone
off AirPlay, sir.

- No, the screen
is the phone now.

Hello. Mayor Bremer here.

- Hello?
Can you hear the mayor?

- Suspended?
That doesn't sound like Orly.

All right.
I'll be right there.

- Sir?

Sir, quick question.
- Not now, Jayden.

- I'm scared to be in a car
with Ms. Meskimen.

- You'll be fine.

- But the trip
is six hours, sir,

and I don't know
what we're gonna talk about.

- Jayden, how am I the one
you're asking about this?

- You're the only one
I can walk as fast as.

- Ask her questions
about herself.

People love
talking about themselves.

- Great.
What kind of questions?

- I don't know--
uh, icebreakers,

conversation starters.

You know, Google it,
for crying out loud.

- Will do.

And somebody turned on
the long legs.

[panting]

- Here at Gregory,
we take online behavior

as seriously
as we do sock height.

And it seems Orly
is part of a group

that was using social media
to bully a teacher.

- Can children bully adults?

'Cause in my day,

teachers could hit us
with a closed fist.

[foot thumps]
Ow.

- Allow me to read a few
of the offending comments.

"Ms. Adams is like if the water

at the top of a yogurt
were a person."

"Ms. Adams took a DNA test.

Turns out,
she's 100% russet potato."

- [laughs]
Like the song.

No, of course.
That's--that is terrible.

- But my posts
are all defending Ms. Adams.

Guys, stop.

I think it's feminist

that she dances alone
at our formals.

You're wrong.

It's so brave that she brought
her gerbils on Family Day.

If Ms. Adams were a man,
society would praise her

for having
a front bulge in her pants.

- That's enough, Orly.

- Sorry, Ms. Adams.

- You're Ms. Adams?

Is what I tell people,
'cause I know that.

Look, Ms. Adams,
Orly was just being kind.

Don't you think the other girls
are to blame here?

- Fair enough.

Orly, you are not suspended.

- [sighs] Thank you, Ms. Adams.
- Oh.

Yes, thank you, Ms. Adams,
and can I just say,

I love what you're doing
with the white stripe.

- Don't.
- Oh, yes.

I was touched by a ghost.

- Yup.
Well, um, goodbye.

I knew I didn't have
to worry about you.

You're a good kid.
Proud of you.

- Since I'm such a good kid,
can I have money

to go to the movies
with Ceviche later?

- [chuckles]
What are you guys seeing?

- "Stab Massacre 2."

- "Stab Massacre 2"?

No way.

Scary movies
give you nightmares.

You remember when the guy
in front of you on the plane

was watching "It"

and then we had to cancel
your birthday party?

Come on.
- Okay, fine.

But I'm keeping the hundo.

[smooches]

- Just like her mother.

♪

- Sorry I don't have a radio.

It got stolen by the guys
that live in my car at night.

- It's fine.
I got a lot on my mind.

♪

- So I'm making coffee.
Would you like some?

- What's that now?

- I mean, um,
what is your dream day?

- Honestly?
This.

Taking an important issue
to the governor,

serving my constituency.

Now, normally, the deputy mayor
would not be dispatched

to do a job this big,

so either the mayor
does not know this,

or else he's giving me rope
to hang myself.

Tomorrow will either
be the greatest

or worst day of my life.

- What's your favorite
salty food?

- Bran flakes.

They have more sodium
than you think.

- What do you value most
in a friendship?

- Mutual respect,
sacrifice,

similar milk preferences.

- Wow, you gave
all your answers so fast.

- I think it's important

to know your stance
on everything.

- Well, I got the best kid
in all of Los Angeles.

- That's great, sir.

We have a budget meeting
in two minutes.

- A bunch of girls were
making fun of a potato teacher

on Instagram media,

but Orly was saying
nice things in her postings.

- Huh,
I follow Orly on Instagram,

and she hasn't posted anything
about any teachers.

- Really?
- Mm.

- Sir, did you happen to catch
the screen name on her post?

By the circle, sir.

- Uh, something with a P.
I don't--

- Mm, the account she gave me
is OrlyBGrammin.

- [gasps] She has a Finsta.
- What's a Finsta?

- Um, it's just an account
that kids make

under a fake name
so they can post silly things

they don't want
their parents to see.

- I wanna see it.
Tell her to let me see it.

- Uh, bad idea, sir.
A little separation is healthy.

- Orly and I
don't have secrets.

I read her the American Girl
Doll puberty book.

It was so gross, but I did it.

When she told me
her celebrity crush,

I stood with her
in the front row

of a Shawn Mendes concert.

Everyone thought
I was a pedophile.

- I know, but we really have
to figure out this budget, sir.

Apparently,
the city's Discover card

has hit its limit,

and some bitch is calling,
like, every day.

- Uh...

- Don't listen to her,
Mr. Mayor.

Finstas ruin lives.

My sister's cousin
had a Finsta,

and pictures of her
in her bra

got turned into a devastating
meme about sadness.

- How's your sister's cousin
not also your cousin?

- Sir, you're missing
the point.

You need to know
what Orly's posting

before she embarrasses
the city.

[sly music]

- So true.

For the city.

♪

- If you want me to hack
your daughter's Finsta,

say nothing and just be,
like, so tall and leave.

♪

.

- If you could have
a dinner party

with anyone, living or dead--

- Eleanor Roosevelt,
her girlfriend, Lorena Hickok,

and Wayne Brady,
'cause he just cracks me up.

- [chuckles]
What is your fondest memory?

- Seeing a bachelorette party
fall off a haunted hayride.

- What's your greatest fear?

- Holes,
clusters of holes.

- What?
- It's called trypophobia.

Basically, when I see
a cut-open pomegranate

or an empty "Connect 4" grid,

to my mind, it looks
like diseased flesh.

I almost fainted today when
Neil showed that...honeycomb.

[harp glissando]
- Ooh, a bee apartment.

[tense music]

- I was feeling so good
till then.

You think Bremer did that
to mess with me?

He could have access
to my psychological evaluation.

- What? No.
Are you crazy?

Showed you a bunch of holes?

Just a bunch
of close-together holes?

- Talk about something else.
- Okay, um...

would you like to make
eye contact for four minutes?

- Sure.

- You're starting to drift
into the oncoming lane.

- Yup.
[horn blares]

[sly music]

♪

- I told Mikaela
I had to step out

to take an important call.

What?
My handyman is dead?

How's it going?

- Okay, so I cross-referenced
Orly's public profile

with her friends
and who they follow,

then narrowed it down
to just the privates:

@MzAdamsIzGross,
@SpudHag--

- @PearlSquirrel05.
That's Orly.

- Are you sure?
- Yes.

Her middle name is Pearl,
she was born in 2005,

and her Harry Potter animal
is a squirrel.

Man, I feel like an NCIS.
- Great.

Okay, so our next step
is to make our own fake account

so that we can get in
with these girls.

What should our name be?
- Nancy.

- No one under 60
is named Nancy.

- Aisha.
- Stay in your lane, sir.

- Caswell.
Renness.

I'm not a writer.
Uh, Kyla. No, Kylus.

- Great.
So Emma.

Let's do this.

♪

[camera shutter clicks]

♪

Oh, I am taking a picture
of you.

♪

[camera shutter clicks]

♪

- My God, it looks like legs.

I don't know
what's real anymore.

Is "Sports Illustrated"
Swimsuit Edition

just toilet hot dogs?

- So now Emma DMs
@PearlSquirrel05,

and we wait.

- My world is upside down,

and honestly, it's thrilling.

- And here's your key, ma'am.

- Jayden, thank you for
your conversation in the car.

You really distracted me
from my nerves about tomorrow.

- You are super welky.

It was a pleasure
breaking ice with you.

- Bye.

- Hey.

You wanna meet up
in a little bit,

maybe get some dinner

and take
the "Lady Bird" walking tour?

- As long as it's not as scary
as the movie.

Wow. [chuckles]

You're not gonna believe it,
but just this morning,

that lady and I
barely knew each other.

But now I know that
her biggest regret in life

is that she
accidentally clapped

when the "Challenger" exploded.

And it's all because of
these icebreakers I downloaded.

- Where'd you get 'em?

I'm always looking for new ways
to seem normal.

- Mm, I just searched
"icebreakers,"

and I found 78Questions.com.

"The 78 questions
you ask someone

when you want to fall in love."

[laughs]
Oh, no.

Oh, boy.

[knock at door]

- Hey, hey!
You ready to hit the Sac'?

- Okay.
We need to talk.

I know that it got heavy
in the car,

but, ma'am,
don't fall in love with me.

- What?
- I just found out

that those questions
were designed

to make people fall in love,

and when you shared with me
that your ideal man

was '80s James Brolin,
frankly, I got worried.

- We are not in love,
Mr. Kwapis.

And you, sir,

are no "Amityville Horror"
James Brolin.

- Technically, that's '79,
but whatever.

Cool.

It's just that I think
that we are better off

as really good friends.

- We are not even friends.

Friends have a shorthand.

Friends make sacrifices
for each other

and have a deep understanding.

I don't think
we're understanding each other

at all in this moment, do you?

- I mean, sure, I could eat.

.

- Sir, we're in.

Orly accepted Emma's request.

- What are you finding?
Vapes?

Tattoos?

- It's actually
mostly just selfies.

What I'm looking for is
red-flag slang in the captions.

So "smash" means hooking up.

"Dexing" is abusing
cough syrup.

"GOW" is "gay on the weekends."

Seven 8s in a row
is a human centipede.

- No, what--what's boron?
Is that a drug?

She says she's finally done
with this boron nightmare.

- I think she's just bragging
about finishing

her chemistry project early.

- What's "TFW"?
- "That feeling when."

- That feeling when your dad
drags you to Huntington Gardens

for the millionth time.

But why is it a picture of a
sloth giving the middle finger?

She loves it
when I take her there.

- Mr. Mayor, I'm sorry
about your handyman, but--

Wait.

Why did you slam your laptop
shut when I came in?

- What?
We're studying.

- Are you on Instagram?

- Tommy felt it was important
to access

Orly's private account
for security reasons.

- So we are Emma,
a junior at Marlborough.

We do orchestra.
We're confident but not cocky.

- You helped the mayor
create a fake account

impersonating a teenage girl?

Where did you get
this profile picture?

- We Googled "cute high school
field hockey blonde."

- From government servers?

- Well, when you say it
like that...

Also, do you know
what "squat" means now?

Because tangerine seltzer
squats,

but also somehow, HPV squats.

- Look, this is all my fault.

Orly's just acting out

because I uprooted her life
with this mayor thing.

I'm working crazy hours.

I forced her to move
into an old house

that's outside
SUGARFISH's delivery zone.

I just need to reconnect...
on her level.

And Emma showed me
how to do that.

I am going to go home and have
dinner with her tonight.

- Uh--

- I'll be back later.
- [sighs]

Great work today, Tommy.

How's that decision memo
on SROs coming?

- [sighs]

I don't wanna go back
to being Tommy.

Emma gets to go
to a Glossier pop-up tonight

even though
there's school tomorrow.

- [sighs]
[door slams]

[light jazz music]

- So what's Gucci, fam?
[chuckles]

Any VSCO girls
stress you about cheddar?

- What?
No.

- Perf.

- Dad, don't say "perf."

- Mmm.
TFW.

That feeling
when these tacos squat.

You up?

- Dad, are you okay?

What's your middle name?

What year do you think this is?

- I'm mad fine.

- That just means
you're handsome.

- Well, I am handsome.

♪

Who you texting?
- No one.

♪

- Look, salt bae,

I know I haven't been around
as much as you're used to.

#MayorLife.

♪

But you can always
tell me anything.

- I know.

- I just don't want us
to lose our connection.

We're not basic.
We don't have secrets IRL.

You know,
name a more iconic duo.

I'll wait.

- Okay, Dad,
stop talking like that.

- Okay.

♪

Wanna watch TV
together later?

"Cake Boss" and chill at 10:00?

- "And chill" means sex.

both: Ew.
- And I can't tonight.

Ceviche's coming over to finish
our chemistry project.

We're making a papier-mâché
of the element boron,

so it's gonna take forever.

- Okay.

She lied to me.

My baby lied to me.

We know she already finished
that science project.

Where's Mikaela?

Has anyone seen
my chief of staff?

- She went home
because of violent cramps.

She said you would not ask
a follow-up.

- She is correct.
Refresh, refresh.

- No new posts since yesterday.

- I don't get it.
We were connecting.

I was being cool AF--
cool as Fonzie--

and she lied to my face.
[cell phone buzzes]

- Orly just DM'd Emma.

- "Mayor working late.

Gorge Borge at Getty House."

What the hell's
a Gorge Borge?

- According
to Urban Dictionary,

Gorge Borge, noun,

originated in Amsterdam
during the 2017 blackout.

- Dan, car!

- It gets grosser!

.

- Nobody move!

I read about
what's happening here.

I'm coming in.

I'm gonna need everyone
to put your pants on

and take the bread
out of the water

and stop the Gorge Borge.

- Hey, guys.
Emma's here.

Oh, my God.
You look so cute.

- Mikaela?

Oh, please tell me
you're not the Gorgemeister.

- Sir, a Gorge Borge
is very not a thing.

- Ugh, Urban Dictionary
is crowdsourced, sir.

I should have cross-checked it

with the comment section
on YouTube.

- Well, what's happening
here, then? Wh--

- Before you get mad,
this was not my idea.

Orly DM'd me earlier
because she was concerned

you were having a stroke,
so I told her the truth

that Emma is hot dogs.

- Dad, you need to stop
spying on me.

- You need to stop lying to me.

- I lied about
the science project

because Ceviche and I wanted
to see "Stab Massacre 2."

- I think I made it
pretty clear

I didn't want you doing that.

And by the way,

if you don't like making
the tote bags, just tell me.

- I don't like
making the tote bags.

- Fine.
I'll take Emma.

- [scoffs]
I can't wait to grow up

and move, like,
24,000 miles away from you.

- Oh, you mean all the way

around the Earth
and then right back here?

It'll be nice to have you
so close.

[door slams]

- Did Mayor Bremer
send you here to sabotage me?

Does he secretly hate
the oil plan?

- What?
No.

How could he know
we were gonna fall in love?

- Oh, good Lord.

It's 10:00 in the morning,
Kwapis.

- Breakups are emotional, okay?

You do not get to tell me
what to do.

We're not together!

[light music]

- Sorry for my tone last night.

You're getting older.

If you wanna go to the movie,
go to the movie.

But pay with your own money.

- Fine.
I will.

- Although paying with
your money is still my money

'cause you don't have a job.

- I can make my own money.

Ceviche knows a guy
who likes to buy

used girls' flip-flops
on the dark web.

- Cool.

Thanks for telling me that.

- The governor has
several events this morning,

so he's running
a little behind.

- Okay.
I understand.

We often have the--

[dramatic music]
- Oh, sorry.

We have a photo op
with some kids later.

They made the state's
largest blueberry pancake

to celebrate
California agriculture.

They've got over
a thousand blueberries

clustered in there.

- [meekly] Holes.

♪

So many holes.

- Okay, great.
The governor's walking.

I'll have him here
in less than a minute.

- Please.

The holes.

♪

- Banana.

♪

Hurry.

He's coming.

♪

- I know what I have to do.

♪

[light triumphant music]

♪

- You're disgusting.

♪

Thank you.

- And done.

- Right this way, Mr. Governor.

- Mr. Governor,
Arpilene Meskimen,

deputy mayor of Los Angeles.

Let's talk about oil.

- What the hell happened
to the big pancake?

- What big pancake?

- The big pancake.

- You sound crazy.

♪

[knock at door]

We are back
from the Sac', sir.

- Couldn't have gone better,
Mr. Mayor.

The governor has asked me
to lead

a blue-ribbon task force

to assess the supportability
of the initiative.

- Oh, okay.
And that's good?

- It was the best day
of my life, sir.

And Mr. Kwapis proved
to be indispensable,

a real friend to democracy.

- And then we went
to a train museum.

- And the thrift store
from "Lady Bird."

- I bought a used bathing suit.

- Are you guys close
to your parents?

- Careful, Mr. Mayor.

Questions like that
will make us all fall in love.

[laughter]

both: Psht!

[laughter]

- Oh, it's from earlier.

♪

- You know,
I can't light it on fire...

- Oh, they'll never get that
on the truck.

- Hey.

- Hey.

How was "Stab Massacre 2"?

- Um, it was pretty good.

I mean,
I kinda saw the twist coming.

Like, obviously, the people
in the cage were gonna turn out

to be the bodies
of the original sisters

with new faces sewn on...

'cause it's based
on "Little Women."

- Yeah.
Obviously.

All right, off to bed.

School night.

- Actually, do you think
I could watch

"Cake Boss" with you?

I kinda need a palate cleanser.

- So you don't have nightmares?

Yeah.
Come here.

♪

[sighs]

- Thanks for letting me
go to the movie tonight.

- Yeah.
[indistinct chatter over TV]

- They'll never get that cake
on the truck.

- Oh, come on.

They always get it on the truck
at the end.

- We're gonna actually light
the cake on fire but not here.

- If you could have
a dinner party with anyone,

living or dead--
- Batman and Batman's parents,

just because I feel like Batman
would really appreciate that.

- If a crystal ball could tell
you the truth about anything,

what would you wanna know?

- Where do teachers go
during the summer?

- What's your death row meal?

- Depends what I did.
- Your house is on fire.

If you could only bring
one thing out of it,

what would it be?
- Trick question.

The fire.
Problem solved.

- Tell your life story
in ten words or less.

- "'We hate this one,'
said the orphanage,

so Jayden's parents"--oh.

- Good night, everybody.
- Good night.