All language subtitles for Moonlighting - S02x17 - Funeral for a Door Nail

Hello?

Bonsoir, Monsieur Clements?

English. Please, English.

Mr. Clements, we have just received
word from Los Angeles.

There has been
an automobile accident.

Mrs. Clements is dead.

2x17 "FUNERAL FOR A DOOR NAIL"
Subtitles subXpacio

ADULT BOOKS AND
MOVIE ARCADE

You're supposed to talk to me.

Who is it you want killed?

Me.

What's the matter?
You sick or something?

Yes, I'm sick.

Did you bring the money?

Listen...

...today is Tuesday.

I need some time
to get my affairs in order.

- I'd like it not to happen until Friday.
- I'll tell him.

And I don't care where,
I don't care when.

In fact, I don't even wanna know.
I just need until Friday.

I'll tell him.

Trust me, everything about
this litigation is pro forma.

- Roger?
- Allen.

Jill is just trying to find
the file with your will in it.

- Just a few minutes.
- Fine, thank you.

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

Roger, what's wrong?

Blue Moon Investigations.
Are you being watched?

Are you being bugged?
Give us a call and we'll find the thug.

Whoever is your peeping
Tom, Dick or John...

...we won't quit until he is gone.

Yes, I am wearing
a pale green dress.

How did you know?

You're watching me?

Right now?

Hello? Hello?

- Morning, Ms. DiPesto.
- Morning, Ms. Hayes.

- Is Mr. Addison in yet?
- About 20 minutes now.

Hold all his calls for the next couple
of minutes, will you?

David.

- I can't find him anywhere.
- Hi, Mr. Addison.

- Hi, Ms. DiPesto.
- David!

- Maddie!
- I was looking for you.

- Really? What a coincidence. I'm here.
- Is there any way we can talk?

- What if we use mouths and tongues?
- Your office.

No putting one over on you.
That is my office.

- I need a favor.
- Done.

- What do you mean?
- I mean whatever you need, it's done.

- Whatever favor you want, you got it.
- Wanna hear what it is first?

- I don't need to.
- You don't need to?

No, I can't think of anything
that I wouldn't wanna help you with.

- It involves a wedding.
- A thought does come to mind.

I have a cousin in Chicago
getting married for the second time.

Oh, your cousin.

I can't tell you what it's like
to go to a family wedding alone.

- Wait a second.
- You get introduced to everyone...

...who's male, single and still breathes.
They make sure you get the bouquet...

...and I've yet to meet
a photographer...

...who didn't think I had
terrific bone structure...

...and haven't I always wanted to model
for some tasteful highly artistic nudes?

- I don't believe it.
- So, what I was wondering was...

- ...if I could get you to take me.
- I'd be delighted.

- What?
- Well, I'd rather you weren't delighted.

- Weren't delighted?
- I'd rather you were fine with it.

- Fine with it?
- Fine with it.

- Fine, I'm fine with it.
- No, you're not. You're delighted.

- I'm sorry.
- No, you're not.

You're right.
Actually, I'm confused.

Why wouldn't you go with someone
who's delighted to take you?

- You wouldn't understand.
- No?

You wouldn't. See, I was supposed
to go with my dentist, Jordan.

A dentist named after an almond?

What's nice about going with Jordan
is he's an NSM.

- Military guy, huh?
- Nice, safe man. He's nice, he's safe-

All right, I can guess the rest.

- You were gonna go with this eunuch-
- NSM.

- What happened?
- Mrs. Peterson.

- Mrs. Peterson?
- Mrs. Peterson.

He was doing a root canal.
She bit him.

- Bit him?
- Bit him.

She didn't think he was
such a nice, safe man.

Now he's gotta stay in town
and get shots for the next 10 days.

Well, his loss is my gain.

- There you go again, acting delighted.
- I'm sorry.

- I'll try and do something about that.
- I'm serious.

My whole family's
gonna be at this wedding.

I have enough to worry about
without you being delighted.

- I'm not that delighted.
- Wondering if I'm having a good time.

What do I care?

- Rushing for the check.
- My wallet is glued to my pocket.

Quizzing me about what
our sleeping arrangements will be.

You said you wanted safe,
not dead.

I can see this is going to be
a fun weekend.

- Maybe we should forget about it.
- Maybe we should!

Good.

- I can't.
- No backbone. I like that in a woman.

Wouldn't it be wonderful
if you could just rent a guy?

Someone to take home on Thanksgiving
and Christmas and special occasions.

Someone you could put back in the box
when the occasion was over.

- Like a tux.
- Exactly like a tux.

- Or a car.
- Exactly like a car.

- But there isn't.
- Doggone it.

So I guess it's me and you.

Maddie...

...if you'd feel more comfortable
actually paying someone...

...I would be willing to look at this
as a business proposition.

- Really?
- Really.

- Lf it'd make you feel more comfortable.
- But would it make you uncomfortable?

No. No, not in the least.

Well, thank you.
That would make me feel better.

- Then it's settled.
- It's settled.

Thank you, David.

So how much?

- How much what?
- How much do I get?

For the trip? You mean
how much money for the trip?

I don't know.

Let's see, there's the cost
of the flight and the hotel.

And you're gonna have to rent
formalwear. I'll pay for all that.

- I mean over and above.
- Over? And above?

I don't know.
Couple hundred dollars?

To not wonder
if you're having a good time?

- It was a start.
- To not pick up checks?

- Sleep where I'm told?
- What's your price?

Twelve hundred dollars,
on the barrelhead.

You...

- ...are eye crust.
- The better to see you with, my dear.

- You are navel lint.
- Expensive navel lint.

- You are-
- Don't go much lower.

They'll take us off the air.

Ms. Hayes, Mr. Addison,
there's a man here to see you.

- Not now, we're fighting!
- Not now, we're fighting!

Twelve hundred dollars?

Twelve hundred dollars?

Keep it down. That leaks out, this place
is gonna be crawling with women.

I'm sorry to interrupt,
but this man says he's in a hurry.

- In a minute!
- In a minute!

I would rather go to this wedding alone
than pay you or any other man $ 1200.

I understand your reaction. It sounds
like a lot of money, but check around.

You want a guy who's good-looking,
decent manners, no open sores.

$ 1200 is what it's gonna run you.

- Get the hell out of-
- Get the hell out of-

- Hello.
- Hello.

I'm sorry to barge in...

...but if I don't get some help quickly,
I'll be dead within 48 hours.

What do you think?

I'll remember where we left off.

Won't you have a seat?

Slow down. You're gonna pass it.

Imagine Mr. Clements loving his wife
so much, he couldn't live without her.

Imagine poor Mr. Clements finding out
his wife was still alive...

...after he'd already scheduled
his big finale.

Tomorrow, rain or shine.
No exchanges, no returns.

- We will be able to stop it, won't we?
- We'll sure try.

Nice thing about a case like this,
either way it's over in 24 hours.

I'm not going in there.

It'll be fine. Keep your hands
in your pockets...

...and don't sit on anything
that's been sat on before.

Who is this man?

Why is he rubbing his filthy clothing
on my car? Who is he?

He's the Avon lady.

- Why're they doing that?
- Rather they use their tongues?

- Where are you going?
- I'm going in that filthy bookstore.

You're leaving me here?

- Well, then come with me.
- In there?

I promise I will not let
any of these men...

...with their disgusting thoughts
get anywhere near you.

Here you go, fellas.
Split that three ways.

She makes me come here.
I hate this place.

Hey, my man.

Where can I get a job around here?

- Oh, my goodness.
- Oh, my badness.

Look at this stuff. I don't even know
what some of this stuff is for.

Oh, well the-

Beats me.

Be right back.

Excuse me, can you tell me
where I can find booth number three?

First living brain donor.

The booths are in the back.

Three's okay, but four and seven
are really the best.

Really? Thank you.

Gee, I'm glad I ran into you.

Nice.

If a rash develops, discontinue use.

Learn anything?

Come on, hurry up and get out of there.
Your sister has to use the bathroom.

This is where he came
to buy a murder?

That's what the man said.

Gee, what usually
happens in these rooms?

What, pray tell, makes
you think I would know?

All right, then. What makes you think
I would tell you?

- Let's get on with it.
- Or, in this case, off with it.

One for the money
Two for the glitz

Three to get ready
Now let's see some-

David.

Something. Let's see something.

David.

What is that woman
going to do in there?

David...

...that woman is going to
take off her clothes.

David, that woman
is taking off her clothes.

David, that woman
has taken off her clothes.

David, are you listening to me?
David, what are you doing?

I'm making sure
we don't run out of quarters.

Is there something special
you two would like to see?

Well, as a matter of fact-

We are representing a man
named Roger Clements.

Roger Clements.
Does that name mean anything to you?

Representing?
What does that mean, "representing"?

What is this, like,
vicarious pleasure?

Do you remember him?
He came in here.

He tried to hire someone,
a murderer.

He told you he was ill.

- You two police?
- We work for Mr. Clements.

So, what is the problem
with this Mr. Clements?

Does he have
an engagement for Friday?

Would he like to reschedule
for Saturday?

He'd like to call it off.

- Wait, a quarter!
- Okay. Here, wait.

- Give!
- Here! Here! Here!

Give me those.

Keeps you on your toes, doesn't it?

So he wants to call it off.

How come he didn't
come here himself?

He's scared.

He's not sure that whoever it is
that's supposed to do this...

...isn't following him, waiting to do it.
He's prepared to pay to call it off.

Yeah. Well, he's gonna have to.

This isn't a department store.
We don't take returns.

I don't even know
if I can contact the people.

I mean, I don't know.

He asked us to offer you this.

It's the same amount he paid
to arrange the murder in the first place.

You have a number where you can
be reached, any time of the day?

Anything you can do.

Friday is less than 13 hours away.
Anything you can do-

It'll be okay.

She'll find him. She'll contact him.

Call the whole thing off.

It'll be okay.

- You think so?
- Yeah.

No.

It'll be okay.

What are we gonna tell Mr. Clements?

Don't worry about it.
Just let me do the talking.

Evening.

- Mr. Addison, Ms. Hayes.
- Got that right.

I thought I told you to stay away
from this window. Come on.

- You caught me, huh?
- Mr. Clements, it's no joke.

- Someone with a high-powered rifle-
- I'm sorry, it's just...

...I know she's out there somewhere.

- So how did the two of you do?
- We found the person you spoke to.

She's going to try and reach
the people involved.

- Try?
- Try.

- And what do we do meanwhile?
- We sit and wait.

- Here? All night?
- Here all night, or until she calls.

And then I promise you
we'll find Mrs. Clements.

Ms. DiPesto, you can go now.

Thank you, Ms. Hayes.

Mr. Addison.
See you in the morning?

I'm afraid you will.

I think I'll stretch out in my office.

Feel free to take the couch.

Hello? I mean, Blue Moon.

Who?

Yeah. Yeah, he's right here.

Hello?

Yes, this is Roger Clements.

You did?

You were?

I really-
I don't know how to thank you.

Money works.

She said it's taken care of.
They called off the dogs.

So I'm free to cancel my will,
make dinner plans for Monday.

- Now watch, I'll die in a car accident.
- Don't be silly, Mr. Clements.

So, what do we do now?

- Go to our respective homes.
- And get some respective sleep.

And first thing Monday morning?

We begin searching
for Mrs. Clements.

Thank you. Thank you both.

Oh, my goodness. Excuse me.
What time do you have?

Thirty-one hours to the wedding.

So, what was your cop like?

I had this girl cop.

First time.

I mean, first time I was ever
interrogated by a girl cop.

Sounds weird. Girl cop.

Excuse me. I mean, woman cop.

Wait a second. There's gotta
be some other word for that.

Copette?

All right, I'll work on it.

Anyway, it was really weird.

I mean, because I'm sitting there
in this chair.

And this girl- This woman...

...is walking back and forth in front
of me asking me these questions.

And, I mean, I had to ask her...

...like six, seven times
to repeat the question...

...because, I mean, I'm sitting there
and right at eye level...

...is her...

Well, you know.

Her womanhood.

Womanhoods.

I mean, it's not like there's
anything else to look at...

...except the bright light.

Of course, maybe
that's their strategy.

They figure that
if you're looking at her...

...trying to figure out whether
this copette is wearing underwear...

...maybe you're not as prone to lie.

What do you think?

All right. Let me ask you a question.

Sort of related.

You know how some women wear them
bras with the flowery lace on them?

And then they put a shirt on...

...and you can see the flowery lace
showing through. Why do they do that?

You're looking up and you don't wanna
see outlines of flowery lace.

There's only one reason
you're looking up there.

Somebody ought to tell women
about that, you know?

You know, sometimes
when I get tired...

...I just start talking.
I say whatever comes into my brain.

Well, I don't know about you,
but I am one tired jamoke.

Hit that.

All right. You get your stuff, I'll get
my stuff and I'll meet you at the heap.

I'll ring for the elevator
while you're getting your stuff.

Maddie, come on,
the elevator's here.

No, it's not.

Maddie?

She's out there somewhere, David.

She is. She's out there.

- No, she's not.
- Yes, she is.

- No, she's not.
- Yes, she is.

No, she's not.

Let's ask them. Is she out there?

- See.
- I don't care, David.

I think Mrs. Clements is out there.
And we have to find her.

- Why?
- Why?

Clements paid us to do two jobs.
Prevent his death and find his wife.

We failed at the first.
We can finish the second.

Back up. The first, the death of Roger
Clements, is now a matter for police.

Police. You ever hear of them?

Public servants who are paid
with our tax dollars.

The second, the possible but
unlikely sighting of Mrs. Clements...

...from a window
is not worth discussing.

- David.
- But I guess we will anyway.

When it came to his wife,
the man was not normal.

He was 50 feet in the air when
he saw her. If he saw her.

He didn't saw her.
He thought he saw her!

- But, David-
- Maddie, it's 11:30 on a Friday night.

Friday night. You and I haven't
slept in a bed for two days.

Tomorrow is a weekend.

It just seems this is something
we can discuss on Monday...

...when we're awake,
showered, conscious.

- I'll find her myself.
- How about we go to Chicago...

...check into the Drake,
go to a wedding...

...eat cake, drink champagne, dance.
Come on, it's the...

...stuff dreams are made of.

And I'm prepared to go
at no cost whatsoever to you.

Come on, Maddie. Let's let it lay.

- David, I can't.
- I can't.

What time am I gonna pick you up
in the morning?

- How does a little after 10 sound?
- Great.

Sounds like noon.

Three o'clock here.
Five o'clock in Chi town.

- So?
- So.

Wedding's been cooking
for a couple hours now. Getting sloppy.

- Sloppy?
- Sloppy.

First few hours of a wedding
don't count.

Very formal, very sober.

In-laws still friendly.

But the last few hours,
very sloppy.

Champagne flowing.
Tongues flapping.

Hungry guys hoping there's
no such thing as a maid of honor.

Bridesmaids trying to find out
who really is the best man.

- What's your point?
- No point.

I just hope you'll ask me again.

I just hope I'm smart enough
to say yes.

And I just hope we're
smart enough to go.

- What does that mean?
- It means, I don't know why we're here.

It's Saturday.

Maddie, we have covered
all the bases.

The police report has her dead.

The newspaper reports
have her dead.

The salvage yard
has a car that's dead.

It's time we face facts.

This woman took a Sunday drive
down a 200-foot cliff without a road.

You're forgetting something.
No body. They haven't found a body.

Big ocean, Maddie.

Lots of places to hide.

- Okay.
- Okay?

- Okay, what?
- Okay, I'm satisfied.

What are you saying?

I'm saying you're right.

Of course I'm right.

Now that we've got that settled,
the night's still young.

I still got a rented tux.
You still got a formal.

- What do you say we crash a prom?
- You know what we should do?

Get a corsage? Rent a limo?

- Spike the punch?
- Give back the money.

Give back the money?
Whose money?

- Clements' money.
- Are you nuts?

- We didn't earn it.
- Earn it?

- Who left you John Houseman?
- We cannot accept money...

- ...for services we're unable to render.
- You can't, I can.

- You're working for me. Give it back.
- For who? For what?

Last time we saw Clements,
they were scraping him off our garage.

- Who you gonna give the money to?
- His estate.

His estate? His estate?

What's he gonna do? Go to Fiji?
Get a new car? Another estate?

David, we didn't do the job.

Look. I'll admit, on the face of it
our batting average is a little low.

A little low? It's nil.

The fact remains we blew
a weekend in the Windy City...

...and you know why?
Because we tried. We tried.

But the man's dead and the woman's
still gone. I can't help the way I feel.

- Who you calling?
- Clements' attorney.

He'll know what to do
with the check.

Clements' attorney?
Stop. Think about it.

Mull it over. Besides, it's Saturday.
He's not gonna be in.

Hello, this is Madelyn Hayes.

I was wondering if the attorney
for the late Roger Clements was in.

Oh, you are.

You knew that was coming,
didn't you?

Are you the folks who called?

I'm Madelyn Hayes
and this is David Addison.

Come in.

It's kind of funny you should call.
I'm not usually here on Saturdays.

Here. Excuse the mess.
I'm moving my practice.

Here. Won't you sit down?

I don't think that'll be necessary.
Won't take long.

Our client, Mr. Clements,
your client, Mr. Clements...

...paid us for services
we were unable to render.

- We're here to give his money back.
- Give it back?

- That's what I said.
- We can't keep it.

Well, that's awfully...

...magnanimous.

I must say I'm a bit surprised.

Though everything about Roger
has been a surprise.

We all knew he loved Celia.

We all knew he'd grieve.

But nobody realized how much.

How deeply.

Listen, I appreciate
what you're doing.

I'm sure Roger would appreciate what
you're doing. But it's not necessary.

It's not as though
the money will be missed.

Trust me, Roger was a wealthy man.
His heirs will be well taken care of.

Why don't you keep this?

Good day, Mr. Margolese.

- Good day.
- Toodles.

- You're mad, aren't you?
- Nope. Just in a hurry.

- Can we at least talk about it?
- No time.

I gotta get this suit back to Harvey's by
5 or I gotta pay for the whole weekend.

You didn't utter a word
the whole drive back from the lawyer's.

You wanna tell me what's on your-?

What you're thinking about?

No.

That's okay.

We've already had this conversation.
We've had it to death.

Different cases, different dollars.

But we have had this conversation.

This is about the money.

No, not "the" money. That money.
The money you gave away today.

Pardon me.

Can I ask you something?
If you had taken that money-

- If you had let me.
- How would you have slept?

Same as always. On my stomach,
boxers tangled around my ankles.

Mental picture is something, isn't it?

Addison, have you no integrity
in that fleece bun of a soul of yours?

No.

I'd love to stay but there's
no grace period at Harvey's.

Excuse me.

I guess I wasn't looking
where I was going.

If you had any idea how you look,
you'd pay more attention.

Can we help you?

- I don't know.
- I do.

Unless you're Lindbergh's baby
or Jimmy Hoffa, it'll wait till Monday.

My name is Celia Clements.

Who?

Celia Clements.

Maybe it's not too late
to get the money back.

You know, Roger used to joke:

"Without you in my life, Celia,
life wouldn't be worth living."

I guess he wasn't joking after all.

- I guess not.
- You think I'm awful, don't you?

Faking my death,
causing Roger so much pain.

You won't understand this,
but Roger loved me too much.

At first I enjoyed the attention,
being the center of someone's life.

But after a while, one by one,
he ran off everyone in our lives.

Friends, family,
until it was just the two of us.

It was like being slowly smothered.

He began treating me
like some priceless antique.

So fragile. A treasure to be kept
under lock and key.

He was even jealous of the dog.

He told me she ran away,
but I saw her one day. I'm sure of it.

Riding down the freeway in the back
of someone else's station wagon.

But why the phony accident?
Why not a divorce?

I went to my attorney and
told him I needed out.

He told me the law
provided a remedy: Divorce.

We both knew that wasn't the answer,
not with Roger.

He'd have me followed
wherever I went.

Track me to the ends of the earth,
never giving me a moment's peace.

My death, however
painful it was to Roger...

...would at least be final.

He'd go on with his life...

...and I'd go on with mine.

But it didn't quite work out that way.

When Mr. Margolese called
and told me Roger had contacted him...

...to make an appointment
to discuss his will-

Wait a second,
Margolese knew you-?

He knows you're alive?

I told you, he called me.

I figured out what Roger was up to...

...and even went
to Mr. Margolese's office...

...to show I was alive
so he wouldn't go through with it.

But I couldn't bring myself
to go into the building.

I guess I didn't believe in my heart
he'd actually go through with it.

I guess there's nothing to do now
but mourn and spend the money.

What money?
I didn't want his money.

If I had wanted his money
I would have divorced him.

You mean, you'd let it all
go to his heirs?

Heirs? What heirs?

What are you talking about?

Margolese said his heirs
would be well taken care of.

He must have been mistaken.

My husband had no heirs.

No relatives at all. He was adopted.

And he and his foster parents
haven't spoken since he was 18.

What heirs?

You gave me quite a start.

Is there something else
I can help you with?

This afternoon you said that the heirs
to Roger Clements' estate...

...were going to be taken care of.
What did you mean by that?

I meant exactly what I said.

That his nephews, nieces,
aunts, cousins...

...anyone who had a claim to the estate
was gonna do just fine.

- Not according to Clements' wife.
- His wife?

Yeah.

Client of yours.

Dark hair. Alive.

Legs that go from here to there
and back again.

Think about it. You'll remember.

I think you're mistaken.
Mrs. Clements passed away.

The late Mrs. Clements
visited our office this afternoon.

Why did you lie to us?

Lie? I didn't lie.

I was merely perpetuating
a useful fiction.

Trying to protect the interests
of my client.

An extraordinarily unhappy woman who
was being suffocated by her husband.

But there aren't any heirs.

And I can't help but wonder,
what's gonna happen to all that money?

You're making a mountain
out of a molehill, Ms. Hayes.

The assets of the estate will be put
into a trust for Mrs. Clements, period.

And who's the trustee for this trust?

Guilty as charged.

It's my job to see she gets
all the money that's coming to her.

But she doesn't want anything.

She doesn't expect a dime.

I think what we have here
is a failure to remunerate.

What exactly are you trying to say?

That perhaps the trustee
of this trust is not to be trusted.

You knew Clements' game. When he
decided to call it on account of hope...

...you made sure all nine innings
were played.

- What?
- What?

Don't gang up on me.
I don't write this stuff.

You killed him. Made it look like
the killing he ordered...

...so you could help yourself
to his estate.

That's why you're packing, isn't it?

So you could leave
before anyone's the wiser.

You two are letting your imaginations
run away with you.

Me? No, I wouldn't let my imagination
run away with me.

Not overnight, unless there was
a good dinner in it.

There's something
I want to show you. Here.

Just take a look at these estate papers.
Look. Right, start there.

"If you and your family want good luck
now and forevermore...

...send six copies
of this letter to six- "

What the-?

- Do you know what this means?
- I sure do.

Start the chase music, boys.

David! Here.

David.

I hope I didn't upset
your plans, Sergeant Garcia.

Zorro will make you change!

- Get off of me!
- Just my luck.

Finally get you prone
and I'm facing the wrong way.

Come back here, you crook!

David!

You almost 7-10 split.

Don't you wanna try for the spare?

Seems like the only way out
is up here.

Looks like it's all over, Margolese.

Then again, I could be wrong.

Where are you going?

Here!

What am I supposed to do with this?

You're pretty handy with a hose.

Say good night, David.

Good night, David.