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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,036 --> 00:00:02,996 >> Jon: [ Distorted ] WHAT 2 00:00:03,003 --> 00:00:04,073 HAPPENS WHEN YOU TAKE A FAMILY 3 00:00:04,072 --> 00:00:05,072 FROM THE WITNESS PROTECTION 4 00:00:05,073 --> 00:00:05,813 PROGRAM... 5 00:00:05,806 --> 00:00:07,506 MOVE THEM TO NEW YORK CITY... 6 00:00:07,508 --> 00:00:09,278 AND GIVE THEM THEIR OWN REALITY 7 00:00:09,277 --> 00:00:09,777 SHOW? 8 00:00:09,777 --> 00:00:11,747 >> * DA-DA-DA-DA, DO-DO 9 00:00:11,745 --> 00:00:12,775 >> Jon: PREVIOUSLY ON 10 00:00:12,780 --> 00:00:13,510 "DELOCATED!"... 11 00:00:13,514 --> 00:00:14,784 >> Susan: I'M TAKING DAVID TO A 12 00:00:14,782 --> 00:00:15,182 HOTEL. 13 00:00:15,183 --> 00:00:16,523 I NEED TO FIGURE SOME STUFF OUT. 14 00:00:16,517 --> 00:00:17,517 >> Jon: SUSAN, COME ON. 15 00:00:17,518 --> 00:00:18,288 ARE YOU SERIOUS? 16 00:00:18,286 --> 00:00:19,586 >> Susan: DAVID AND I ARE GOING 17 00:00:19,587 --> 00:00:21,117 TO REMOVE OUR SKI MASKS AND OUR 18 00:00:21,122 --> 00:00:22,092 VOCAL HARMONIZERS. 19 00:00:22,090 --> 00:00:23,260 >> Jon: NO, YOU'RE NOT. 20 00:00:23,257 --> 00:00:24,827 >> SUSAN'S OFFICIALLY FILING FOR 21 00:00:24,825 --> 00:00:25,355 DIVORCE. 22 00:00:25,359 --> 00:00:26,629 >> Jon: HOLD ON A SECOND. 23 00:00:26,627 --> 00:00:28,027 THEY'RE MAKING A MOVIE ABOUT 24 00:00:28,028 --> 00:00:29,828 SUSAN? 25 00:00:39,107 --> 00:00:42,177 [BLEEP] SLICE. COME ON. 26 00:00:42,176 --> 00:00:43,476 TURN THE HANDS. 27 00:00:43,477 --> 00:00:45,847 OH, GOD. TERRIBLE. 28 00:00:45,846 --> 00:00:46,976 >> Mike: YOU SHOULD LOOSEN YOUR 29 00:00:46,980 --> 00:00:48,020 GRIP. 30 00:00:48,015 --> 00:00:50,745 THINK ABOUT HOLDING A BABY BIRD. 31 00:00:50,751 --> 00:00:52,221 TIGHT ENOUGH SO THAT IT CAN'T 32 00:00:52,220 --> 00:00:53,620 ESCAPE, BUT NOT TOO TIGHT TO 33 00:00:53,621 --> 00:00:54,221 CRUSH IT. 34 00:00:54,222 --> 00:00:55,322 >> Jon: [ CHUCKLES ] 35 00:00:55,323 --> 00:00:56,123 SHUT UP, MIKE. 36 00:00:56,124 --> 00:00:57,534 >> Mike: UNLESS IT BITES YOU. 37 00:00:57,525 --> 00:00:59,855 AND THEN YOU CRUSH IT. 38 00:00:59,860 --> 00:01:01,260 >> HI. UH, YOU MUST BE JON. 39 00:01:01,262 --> 00:01:02,202 >> Jon: THAT I AM. 40 00:01:02,196 --> 00:01:03,696 >> I'M RAY, YOUR CADDIE FOR THE 41 00:01:03,697 --> 00:01:04,127 DAY. 42 00:01:04,132 --> 00:01:05,332 I JUST WANTED TO INTRODUCE 43 00:01:05,333 --> 00:01:06,173 MYSELF. 44 00:01:06,167 --> 00:01:09,237 >> Jon: GREAT TO MEET YOU, RAY. 45 00:01:09,237 --> 00:01:10,267 >> UH, SO, WHENEVER YOU'RE 46 00:01:10,271 --> 00:01:11,371 READY, I'LL MEET YOU AT THE 47 00:01:11,372 --> 00:01:12,412 FIRST TEE. 48 00:01:12,406 --> 00:01:13,736 >> Jon: YEAH, THAT'S OVER TO THE 49 00:01:13,741 --> 00:01:14,141 LEFT? 50 00:01:14,142 --> 00:01:14,682 >> NO, NO. 51 00:01:14,675 --> 00:01:15,975 IT'S JUST PAST THE CLUBHOUSE TO 52 00:01:15,976 --> 00:01:16,536 THE RIGHT. 53 00:01:16,544 --> 00:01:17,484 >> Jon: TO THE RIGHT. 54 00:01:17,478 --> 00:01:18,508 THAT'S -- THAT'S RIGHT. 55 00:01:18,512 --> 00:01:19,852 I'M STILL GETTING USED TO THIS 56 00:01:19,847 --> 00:01:20,247 PLACE. 57 00:01:20,248 --> 00:01:20,708 SORRY. 58 00:01:20,714 --> 00:01:21,484 >> [ LAUGHS ] 59 00:01:21,482 --> 00:01:23,052 TOOK ME ABOUT A MONTH TO FIGURE 60 00:01:23,050 --> 00:01:24,920 OUT WHERE THE MEN'S ROOM IS. 61 00:01:24,918 --> 00:01:26,448 I'VE BEEN MEANING TO INTRODUCE 62 00:01:26,454 --> 00:01:26,994 MYSELF. 63 00:01:26,987 --> 00:01:27,617 ROSS BENNETT. 64 00:01:27,621 --> 00:01:28,421 I'M THE CLUB PRO. 65 00:01:28,422 --> 00:01:29,622 >> Jon: OH, HEY, GOOD TO MEET 66 00:01:29,623 --> 00:01:29,963 YOU. 67 00:01:29,957 --> 00:01:31,157 I GOT A FEELING YOU AND I ARE 68 00:01:31,159 --> 00:01:32,329 GONNA GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER 69 00:01:32,326 --> 00:01:33,526 VERY WELL, 'CAUSE I NEED HELP 70 00:01:33,527 --> 00:01:34,227 WITH MY SLICE. 71 00:01:34,228 --> 00:01:35,428 >> I CAN DEFINITELY HELP CURE 72 00:01:35,429 --> 00:01:36,729 YOUR SLICE. 73 00:01:36,730 --> 00:01:38,300 WHAT I CAN'T DO IS TEACH YOU HOW 74 00:01:38,299 --> 00:01:39,769 TO SWIM. 75 00:01:39,767 --> 00:01:41,237 >> Jon: WHAT? 76 00:01:41,235 --> 00:01:42,595 >> I'VE BEEN TALKING WITH SOME 77 00:01:42,603 --> 00:01:43,803 OF THE OTHER CLUB MEMBERS. 78 00:01:43,804 --> 00:01:45,214 AND APPARENTLY, A LOT OF PEOPLE 79 00:01:45,206 --> 00:01:46,606 AREN'T TOO COMFORTABLE WITH THE 80 00:01:46,607 --> 00:01:48,477 SHADING OF YOUR SKI MASK. 81 00:01:48,476 --> 00:01:49,276 >> Jon: EXCUSE ME? 82 00:01:49,277 --> 00:01:50,477 >> I JUST THINK WE'D ALL BE A 83 00:01:50,478 --> 00:01:51,508 LITTLE BIT HAPPIER IF YOU 84 00:01:51,512 --> 00:01:53,352 SWITCHED TO A MASK THAT WAS... 85 00:01:53,347 --> 00:01:54,947 I DON'T KNOW, PERHAPS A LITTLE 86 00:01:54,948 --> 00:01:56,778 BIT LIGHTER IN COLOR. 87 00:01:56,784 --> 00:01:57,854 >> Jon: YEAH, I DON'T THINK I 88 00:01:57,851 --> 00:01:58,591 CATCH YOUR MEANING. 89 00:01:58,586 --> 00:02:00,246 >> OH, I THINK YOU DO. 90 00:02:00,254 --> 00:02:01,564 YOU MIGHT WANT TO THINK ABOUT 91 00:02:01,555 --> 00:02:02,815 CHANGING THAT MASK BEFORE THE 92 00:02:02,823 --> 00:02:04,023 BIG TOURNAMENT NEXT WEEKEND. 93 00:02:04,024 --> 00:02:05,534 IT'D BE A SHAME IF MY DRIVER 94 00:02:05,526 --> 00:02:07,086 ACCIDENTALLY SLIPPED OUT OF MY 95 00:02:07,094 --> 00:02:11,034 HANDS AND HIT YOU IN THE HEAD. 96 00:02:11,031 --> 00:02:12,531 >> Jon: YEAH, IT'D BE A SHAME IF 97 00:02:12,533 --> 00:02:13,903 MY DRIVER SLIPPED OUT OF MY 98 00:02:13,901 --> 00:02:20,471 PENIS AND HIT YOU IN THE HANDS. 99 00:02:20,474 --> 00:02:22,884 [ SIGHS ] 100 00:02:22,876 --> 00:02:24,306 >> Mike: YOU REALLY SCREWED UP 101 00:02:24,312 --> 00:02:25,052 THAT INSULT. 102 00:02:25,045 --> 00:02:26,475 >> Jon: I WAS FLUSTERED, MIKE, 103 00:02:26,480 --> 00:02:27,850 'CAUSE I HAD SOME THUG IN MY 104 00:02:27,848 --> 00:02:29,218 FACE WHILE MY BODYGUARD JUST 105 00:02:29,217 --> 00:02:29,777 STOOD THERE. 106 00:02:29,783 --> 00:02:30,853 >> WHY WOULD YOUR PENIS -- 107 00:02:30,851 --> 00:02:31,921 >> Jon: I DON'T KNOW, MIKE. 108 00:02:31,919 --> 00:02:32,989 I'M UPSET, OKAY? 109 00:02:32,986 --> 00:02:34,786 I MEANT TO SAY THAT, YOU KNOW, 110 00:02:34,788 --> 00:02:36,658 MY DRIVER SLIPS OUT OF MY PENIS. 111 00:02:36,657 --> 00:02:37,827 BUT, UH, WHATEVER. 112 00:02:37,825 --> 00:02:39,425 RIGHT NOW I GOT TO USE THE 113 00:02:39,427 --> 00:02:40,127 BATHROOM. 114 00:02:40,127 --> 00:02:41,827 THAT IS PRIORITY NUMBER ONE. 115 00:02:41,829 --> 00:02:45,829 HELLO. 116 00:02:45,833 --> 00:02:47,073 >> Mike: JON. 117 00:02:47,067 --> 00:02:48,337 JON. 118 00:02:48,336 --> 00:02:49,536 JON! 119 00:02:49,537 --> 00:02:50,397 [ TIRES SCREECH ] 120 00:02:50,404 --> 00:02:51,144 >> WHOA! WHOA! 121 00:02:51,138 --> 00:02:51,868 >> Jon: WHOA. 122 00:02:51,872 --> 00:02:53,012 OH, MY -- YOU OKAY, MAN? 123 00:02:53,006 --> 00:02:54,106 >> WHAT'S GOING ON HERE? 124 00:02:54,107 --> 00:02:55,477 >> Jon: YOU GOT A REAL DEFECTIVE 125 00:02:55,476 --> 00:02:56,036 CART HERE. 126 00:02:56,043 --> 00:02:56,883 >> YOU SAW, BILL. 127 00:02:56,877 --> 00:02:58,247 DRIVING MISS DAISY HERE JUST RAN 128 00:02:58,246 --> 00:02:58,776 OVER MY CLUBS. 129 00:02:58,779 --> 00:02:59,679 >> Jon: BACK IT UP, JACK. 130 00:02:59,680 --> 00:03:00,580 >> Mike: LEAVE HIM ALONE. 131 00:03:00,581 --> 00:03:01,451 >> Jon: THAT'S 24-HOUR 132 00:03:01,449 --> 00:03:01,949 PROTECTION. 133 00:03:01,949 --> 00:03:02,619 >> Mike: LET'S GO. 134 00:03:02,616 --> 00:03:03,746 >> Jon: ACTUALLY, YOU KNOW WHAT? 135 00:03:03,751 --> 00:03:04,721 I GOT TO GO TO THE BATHROOM. 136 00:03:04,718 --> 00:03:05,588 WHERE'S THE MEN'S ROOM? 137 00:03:05,586 --> 00:03:06,616 >> FINISH OUT YOUR ROUND, JON. 138 00:03:06,620 --> 00:03:07,690 >> Jon: IS THERE A BATHROOM ON 139 00:03:07,688 --> 00:03:08,158 THE COURSE? 140 00:03:08,155 --> 00:03:09,685 >> I'M SURE YOU'LL MAKE DO. 141 00:03:09,690 --> 00:03:11,020 >> Jon: I WILL MAKE DO. 142 00:03:11,024 --> 00:03:13,064 I'LL MAKE DO WITH YOU. 143 00:03:13,060 --> 00:03:14,060 HEY, RAY. 144 00:03:14,061 --> 00:03:15,901 >> HEY, JON. 145 00:03:15,896 --> 00:03:17,426 THOUGHT YOU MIGHT WANT TO GO 146 00:03:17,431 --> 00:03:18,801 IRON OFF THE TEE -- SHORT 147 00:03:18,799 --> 00:03:20,129 FAIRWAY. 148 00:03:20,133 --> 00:03:21,443 >> Jon: YEAH, I'M ACTUALLY, 149 00:03:21,435 --> 00:03:22,895 UH -- I'M NOT FEELING TOO GOOD. 150 00:03:22,903 --> 00:03:24,673 I'M, UH...I'M GONNA CALL IT AN 151 00:03:24,672 --> 00:03:25,712 EARLY DAY TODAY. 152 00:03:25,706 --> 00:03:29,906 >> WHAT HAPPENED? 153 00:03:29,910 --> 00:03:31,680 >> Jon: YOU SAW WHAT HAPPENED. 154 00:03:31,679 --> 00:03:33,579 >> LISTEN, I WANT YOU TO COME TO 155 00:03:33,581 --> 00:03:35,381 A MEETING WITH ME TONIGHT. 156 00:03:35,383 --> 00:03:36,883 THERE'S SOME PEOPLE I WANT YOU 157 00:03:36,884 --> 00:03:40,124 TO MEET. 158 00:03:40,120 --> 00:03:42,660 >> Jon: OKAY. 159 00:03:50,197 --> 00:03:51,497 >> WHAT'S WITH THE WHITE BOY 160 00:03:51,499 --> 00:03:52,399 WITH THE SKI MASK? 161 00:03:52,400 --> 00:03:53,830 >> I WANT TO TELL YOU SOMETHING 162 00:03:53,834 --> 00:03:54,874 ABOUT THIS WHITE BOY. 163 00:03:54,868 --> 00:03:57,038 JUST THIS AFTERNOON, THIS WHITE 164 00:03:57,037 --> 00:03:58,937 BOY DID ONE OF THE BLACKEST 165 00:03:58,939 --> 00:04:01,039 THINGS I'VE SEEN IN A LONG TIME. 166 00:04:01,041 --> 00:04:03,911 HE STOOD UP TO THE WHITE MAN. 167 00:04:03,911 --> 00:04:05,111 WHEN CONFRONTED ABOUT THE 168 00:04:05,112 --> 00:04:06,552 BLACKNESS OF HIS MASK AND ASKED 169 00:04:06,547 --> 00:04:08,017 TO CHANGE THE COLOR TO SOMETHING 170 00:04:08,015 --> 00:04:09,945 OF A LIGHTER PERSUASION, THIS 171 00:04:09,950 --> 00:04:11,950 WHITE BOY SAID NO. 172 00:04:11,952 --> 00:04:13,622 WHEN TOLD HE SHOULD RECONSIDER, 173 00:04:13,621 --> 00:04:15,121 LEST HE BE MET WITH PHYSICAL 174 00:04:15,122 --> 00:04:17,332 HARM, THIS WHITE BOY STOOD HIS 175 00:04:17,325 --> 00:04:19,225 GROUND, WHICH IS WHY I AM 176 00:04:19,226 --> 00:04:21,396 PROPOSING THAT, AS OF TODAY, 177 00:04:21,395 --> 00:04:23,825 THIS WHITE BOY BE KNOWN TO BLACK 178 00:04:23,831 --> 00:04:26,131 CADDIES EVERYWHERE AS AN 179 00:04:26,133 --> 00:04:27,843 HONORARY BLACK MAN. 180 00:04:27,835 --> 00:04:29,595 [ APPLAUSE ] 181 00:04:29,603 --> 00:04:30,873 >> Jon: THANK YOU, RAY. 182 00:04:30,871 --> 00:04:31,841 THANK YOU, GUYS. 183 00:04:31,839 --> 00:04:34,139 I'M NOT GONNA LET YOU DOWN. 184 00:04:34,141 --> 00:04:35,341 THANK YOU. 185 00:04:35,343 --> 00:04:37,813 [ RATTLING ] 186 00:04:37,811 --> 00:04:39,381 YEAH, HOW DO YOU -- HOW DO YOU 187 00:04:39,380 --> 00:04:40,380 GUYS DO THIS DOOR? 188 00:04:40,381 --> 00:04:41,681 OH, IT WAS OPEN. I GOT IT. 189 00:04:41,682 --> 00:04:44,182 SEE YOU, GUYS. 190 00:04:44,184 --> 00:04:45,994 >> [ Distorted ] SUSAN, PLEASE, 191 00:04:45,986 --> 00:04:47,416 I BEG YOU TO RECONSIDER. 192 00:04:47,421 --> 00:04:48,991 >> [ Distorted ] IT'S TOO LATE, 193 00:04:48,989 --> 00:04:49,489 JON. 194 00:04:49,490 --> 00:04:51,360 NOW, GO GET THE DOCTOR. 195 00:04:51,359 --> 00:04:53,029 I WANT MY VOICE BACK. 196 00:04:53,026 --> 00:04:54,926 >> [ SIGHS ] 197 00:04:54,928 --> 00:04:55,928 >> AND WE'RE CUT. 198 00:04:55,929 --> 00:04:57,529 ALL RIGHT, THAT WAS WONDERFUL, 199 00:04:57,531 --> 00:04:58,001 GUYS. 200 00:04:57,998 --> 00:05:03,998 LET'S RESET FOR SINGLES. 201 00:05:04,004 --> 00:05:05,044 >> THAT WAS A GREAT TAKE. 202 00:05:05,038 --> 00:05:05,568 >> REALLY? 203 00:05:05,573 --> 00:05:06,713 >> YEAH. IT WAS REALLY GOOD. 204 00:05:06,707 --> 00:05:07,167 >> COOL. 205 00:05:07,174 --> 00:05:08,384 IT FELT REALLY, REALLY GOOD. 206 00:05:08,376 --> 00:05:09,006 >> YEAH. 207 00:05:09,009 --> 00:05:09,979 >> [ LAUGHS ] 208 00:05:09,977 --> 00:05:11,777 THESE VOICE CHIPS ARE AMAZING. 209 00:05:11,779 --> 00:05:12,549 >> I KNOW. 210 00:05:12,546 --> 00:05:18,016 CAN I GET A COFFEE? 211 00:05:18,018 --> 00:05:19,288 >> FELT PRETTY GOOD, HUH? 212 00:05:19,286 --> 00:05:20,716 >> Susan: YEAH. IT WAS GREAT. 213 00:05:20,721 --> 00:05:21,791 IT WAS REALLY GREAT. 214 00:05:21,789 --> 00:05:23,219 AND I KNOW WE CAN GET THIS IN 215 00:05:23,223 --> 00:05:25,933 ADR, BUT I THINK JON NEEDS TO BE 216 00:05:25,926 --> 00:05:27,426 A LITTLE BIT MORE OF A JERK. 217 00:05:27,428 --> 00:05:28,958 YOU KNOW, HE'S REALLY GOT TO 218 00:05:28,962 --> 00:05:30,302 COME ACROSS LIKE A TOTAL 219 00:05:30,297 --> 00:05:30,897 SCUMBAG. 220 00:05:30,898 --> 00:05:31,798 >> David: YEAH. 221 00:05:31,799 --> 00:05:32,729 >> Susan: YEAH. 222 00:05:32,733 --> 00:05:34,573 >> Jon: HEY, GUYS. 223 00:05:34,568 --> 00:05:35,398 >> David: HEY, DAD. 224 00:05:35,403 --> 00:05:35,903 >> Susan: HI. 225 00:05:35,903 --> 00:05:37,073 >> Jon: GETTING SOME GOOD TAKES 226 00:05:37,070 --> 00:05:37,540 IN THERE? 227 00:05:37,538 --> 00:05:38,468 >> WHAT'S HE DOING HERE? 228 00:05:38,472 --> 00:05:39,612 CAN WE LOCK UP THE SET, PLEASE? 229 00:05:39,607 --> 00:05:40,537 >> Susan: NO, IT'S FINE. 230 00:05:40,541 --> 00:05:41,681 HE'S HERE TO PICK UP DAVID FOR 231 00:05:41,675 --> 00:05:42,605 THE WEEKEND. 232 00:05:42,610 --> 00:05:44,240 BUT HE COULD HAVE WAITED 233 00:05:44,244 --> 00:05:45,584 OUTSIDE, LIKE I ASKED HIM TO. 234 00:05:45,579 --> 00:05:47,009 >> [ Normal voice ] OH, GOD, I'D 235 00:05:47,014 --> 00:05:48,424 GO INSANE IF I HAD TO WEAR THIS 236 00:05:48,416 --> 00:05:49,546 THING ALL THE TIME. 237 00:05:49,550 --> 00:05:51,080 NO WONDER HE'S SUCH A DICK. 238 00:05:51,084 --> 00:05:53,894 [ BOTH LAUGH ] 239 00:05:53,887 --> 00:05:55,457 >> Susan: OH, NO. NO, NO. 240 00:05:55,456 --> 00:05:56,956 DON'T EVEN FEEL BAD. NO. 241 00:05:56,957 --> 00:05:58,827 >> Jon: OH, YEAH, BY ALL MEANS, 242 00:05:58,826 --> 00:06:00,756 DON'T FEEL BAD CALLING ME A... 243 00:06:00,761 --> 00:06:02,001 DICK IN FRONT OF MY SON. 244 00:06:01,995 --> 00:06:03,325 DON'T FEEL BAD ABOUT THAT AT 245 00:06:03,330 --> 00:06:03,700 ALL. 246 00:06:03,697 --> 00:06:05,097 YOU'VE OBVIOUSLY BEEN GIVEN A 247 00:06:05,098 --> 00:06:06,468 VERY ONE-SIDED PICTURE OF ME, 248 00:06:06,467 --> 00:06:07,437 AND THAT'S FINE. 249 00:06:07,435 --> 00:06:08,965 BUT THERE ARE TWO SIDES TO EVERY 250 00:06:08,969 --> 00:06:09,469 STORY. 251 00:06:09,470 --> 00:06:10,840 ON ONE SIDE, YOU'VE GOT THE 252 00:06:10,838 --> 00:06:12,438 JILTED WIFE, WHO IS SCARED AND 253 00:06:12,440 --> 00:06:13,970 BAILED OUT ON HER HUSBAND IN HIS 254 00:06:13,974 --> 00:06:15,784 GREATEST TIME OF NEED AND LET 255 00:06:15,776 --> 00:06:17,646 STRANGE MEN CALL HER EX-HUSBAND 256 00:06:17,645 --> 00:06:19,345 A DICK IN FRONT OF HER SON. 257 00:06:19,346 --> 00:06:20,806 THE OTHER SIDE OF THE STORY IS 258 00:06:20,814 --> 00:06:22,324 THAT I'M AN HONORARY BLACK MAN 259 00:06:22,315 --> 00:06:23,475 WHO'S WAY TOO PROUD AND 260 00:06:23,484 --> 00:06:25,024 CONFIDENT TO WORRY ABOUT IT, SO 261 00:06:25,018 --> 00:06:26,248 NO PROBLEM. 262 00:06:26,253 --> 00:06:27,523 >> Susan: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? 263 00:06:27,521 --> 00:06:28,661 >> Jon: WE'RE GONNA HEAD OUT. 264 00:06:28,656 --> 00:06:29,286 >> David: BYE, MOM. 265 00:06:29,289 --> 00:06:30,189 >> Susan: BYE, SWEETIE. 266 00:06:30,190 --> 00:06:31,060 HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND. 267 00:06:31,058 --> 00:06:32,128 >> Jon: HE WILL HAVE A GREAT 268 00:06:32,125 --> 00:06:33,085 WEEKEND, THANK YOU. 269 00:06:33,093 --> 00:06:34,563 >> David: DAD, WHAT WAS ALL THAT 270 00:06:34,562 --> 00:06:35,862 HONORARY BLACK MAN STUFF YOU 271 00:06:35,863 --> 00:06:36,833 WERE TALKING ABOUT? 272 00:06:36,830 --> 00:06:38,200 >> Jon: WELL, I'M AN HONORARY 273 00:06:38,198 --> 00:06:39,528 BLACK MAN NOW, AND THAT MAKES 274 00:06:39,533 --> 00:06:40,933 YOU HALF HONORARY BLACK, AND I 275 00:06:40,934 --> 00:06:42,374 WANT YOU TO TAKE A LOT OF PRIDE 276 00:06:42,369 --> 00:06:43,539 IN THAT. 277 00:06:43,537 --> 00:06:44,507 OKAY? 278 00:06:44,505 --> 00:06:46,235 [ LAUGHTER ] 279 00:06:46,239 --> 00:06:48,209 >> Susan: THAT'S GOOD. 280 00:06:56,349 --> 00:06:58,049 >> TRAGEDY TODAY AS THE DIRECTOR 281 00:06:58,051 --> 00:06:59,691 OF A MADE-FOR-TV MOVIE ABOUT A 282 00:06:59,687 --> 00:07:01,347 WOMAN IN THE WITNESS PROTECTION 283 00:07:01,354 --> 00:07:03,064 PROGRAM WAS ACCIDENTALLY KILLED 284 00:07:03,056 --> 00:07:03,616 ON SET. 285 00:07:03,624 --> 00:07:04,694 >> [ Distorted ] I HEARD TWO 286 00:07:04,692 --> 00:07:05,792 GUNSHOTS, AND I THOUGHT THEY 287 00:07:05,793 --> 00:07:06,993 WERE PART OF THE MOVIE, AND THEN 288 00:07:06,994 --> 00:07:08,504 STEVE JUST WENT DOWN. 289 00:07:08,496 --> 00:07:10,156 IT WAS REALLY CONFUSING. 290 00:07:10,163 --> 00:07:11,133 OH, I FORGOT I HAD THIS ON. 291 00:07:11,131 --> 00:07:12,131 [ Normal voice ] THIS IS HIS 292 00:07:12,132 --> 00:07:12,802 VOICE-CHIP THING. 293 00:07:12,800 --> 00:07:13,730 IT'S ACTUALLY REALLY COOL. 294 00:07:13,734 --> 00:07:14,274 CHECK IT OUT. 295 00:07:14,267 --> 00:07:14,937 [ Distorted ] AHH. 296 00:07:14,935 --> 00:07:16,395 >> THE MIRMINSKY CRIME FAMILY 297 00:07:16,403 --> 00:07:18,013 HAS TAKEN CREDIT FOR THE MURDER, 298 00:07:18,005 --> 00:07:19,505 ISSUING THIS STATEMENT -- "WE 299 00:07:19,507 --> 00:07:21,037 WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGIZE FOR THE 300 00:07:21,041 --> 00:07:22,581 MURDER OF THE DIRECTOR OF THIS 301 00:07:22,576 --> 00:07:23,036 MOVIE. 302 00:07:23,043 --> 00:07:24,113 WE WEREN'T EVEN TRYING TO KILL 303 00:07:24,111 --> 00:07:24,581 HIM. 304 00:07:24,578 --> 00:07:26,278 WE WERE TRYING TO KILL JON, WHO 305 00:07:26,279 --> 00:07:27,619 WE NOW UNDERSTAND WAS AN ACTOR 306 00:07:27,615 --> 00:07:28,775 PORTRAYING JON. 307 00:07:28,782 --> 00:07:30,622 IT WAS A CRAZY MIX-UP WORTHY OF 308 00:07:30,618 --> 00:07:32,518 ITS OWN HOLLYWOOD MOVIE, WHICH, 309 00:07:32,520 --> 00:07:34,350 I GUESS, IT ALREADY IS, SO NEVER 310 00:07:34,354 --> 00:07:34,924 MIND. 311 00:07:34,922 --> 00:07:36,422 IN ANY CASE, WE FOUND OUT THAT 312 00:07:36,423 --> 00:07:37,963 THE REAL JON IS PLAYING AT SOME 313 00:07:37,958 --> 00:07:39,358 GOLF TOURNAMENT, SO WE'LL GO 314 00:07:39,359 --> 00:07:40,589 LOOK FOR HIM THERE." 315 00:07:40,594 --> 00:07:41,294 A TRAD-- 316 00:07:41,294 --> 00:07:43,004 >> Jon: OH, BOY. [ SIGHS ] 317 00:07:42,996 --> 00:07:44,056 [ DOOR OPENS ] 318 00:07:44,064 --> 00:07:45,634 >> WHY AREN'T YOU DRESSED? 319 00:07:45,633 --> 00:07:47,203 YOU TEE OFF IN 30 MINUTES. 320 00:07:47,200 --> 00:07:49,270 >> Jon: NO, I'M NOT PLAYING. 321 00:07:49,269 --> 00:07:50,569 >> WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? 322 00:07:50,571 --> 00:07:51,741 >> Jon: I'M QUITTING, OKAY? 323 00:07:51,739 --> 00:07:53,009 >> MAN, THAT'S THE WORST THING 324 00:07:53,006 --> 00:07:53,666 YOU COULD DO. 325 00:07:53,674 --> 00:07:55,184 THE BEST THING FOR YOU TO DO 326 00:07:55,175 --> 00:07:56,775 RIGHT NOW IS TO REMAIN A MEMBER 327 00:07:56,777 --> 00:07:58,277 AND WIN THE TOURNAMENT AS AN 328 00:07:58,278 --> 00:07:59,308 HONORARY BLACK MAN. 329 00:07:59,312 --> 00:08:00,552 >> Jon: MNH-MNH. NOPE. 330 00:08:00,548 --> 00:08:02,278 >> David: YEAH, DAD. 331 00:08:02,282 --> 00:08:03,552 RAY'S RIGHT. 332 00:08:03,551 --> 00:08:05,221 IF YOU QUIT NOW, THEN THE WHOLE 333 00:08:05,218 --> 00:08:06,918 HONORARY BLACK PRIDE SPEECH YOU 334 00:08:06,920 --> 00:08:08,660 GAVE ME AND MOM AND EVERYONE AT 335 00:08:08,656 --> 00:08:11,116 THE SET WILL BE MEANINGLESS. 336 00:08:11,124 --> 00:08:12,434 COME ON, DAD. 337 00:08:12,425 --> 00:08:13,855 LET'S GO GIVE THESE WHITEYS A 338 00:08:13,861 --> 00:08:18,571 HALF-HONORARY BLACK EYE. 339 00:08:18,566 --> 00:08:22,566 >> Jon: OKAY, I'M IN. 340 00:08:22,570 --> 00:08:25,110 [ APPLAUSE ] 341 00:08:31,411 --> 00:08:32,451 >> Jon: THIS IS FOR 342 00:08:32,445 --> 00:08:34,405 FREDERICK DOUGLASS. 343 00:08:43,591 --> 00:08:45,661 OH! COME ON, JON! 344 00:08:45,659 --> 00:08:50,799 [ ROCK MUSIC PLAYS ] 345 00:08:50,798 --> 00:08:52,428 >> * YOU USED TO BE WHITE, 346 00:08:52,432 --> 00:08:55,272 BUT NOW YOU'RE HONORARY BLACK * 347 00:08:55,268 --> 00:08:57,768 * WHEN BIGOTRY'S TAKING FLIGHT 348 00:08:57,771 --> 00:08:59,341 * YOU GOT TO GET RIGHT BACK ON 349 00:08:59,339 --> 00:08:59,869 TRACK * 350 00:08:59,873 --> 00:09:02,283 >> Jon: THIS IS FOR ROSA PARKS! 351 00:09:02,275 --> 00:09:04,305 THIS IS FOR JACKIE ROBINSON. 352 00:09:04,311 --> 00:09:04,881 OH! 353 00:09:04,878 --> 00:09:06,608 THURGOOD MARSHALL. 354 00:09:06,614 --> 00:09:08,154 VANESSA WILLIAMS. 355 00:09:08,148 --> 00:09:09,678 THE O'JAYS. 356 00:09:09,683 --> 00:09:11,483 DON CHEADLE. 357 00:09:11,484 --> 00:09:13,624 THIS IS FOR CECIL FIELDER. 358 00:09:13,621 --> 00:09:16,021 >> * HONORARY BLACK PRIDE 359 00:09:16,023 --> 00:09:18,333 * FIGHTIN' FOR WHAT'S INSIDE 360 00:09:18,325 --> 00:09:19,655 * YOU GOT TO LEAVE IT ALL OUT ON 361 00:09:19,660 --> 00:09:21,090 THE LINKS * 362 00:09:21,094 --> 00:09:23,364 * THAT'S WHAT SHE THINKS 363 00:09:23,363 --> 00:09:24,833 >> David: YOU KNOW, IT'S NOT A 364 00:09:24,832 --> 00:09:26,302 COINCIDENCE THAT THE BALLS ARE 365 00:09:26,299 --> 00:09:27,169 WHITE, YOU KNOW? 366 00:09:27,167 --> 00:09:28,837 PUT THEM ON A PEDESTAL. 367 00:09:28,836 --> 00:09:30,766 WE ADVANCE THE WHITE BALLS. 368 00:09:30,771 --> 00:09:31,641 >> OKAY. 369 00:09:31,639 --> 00:09:35,509 >> David: THINK ABOUT IT. 370 00:09:35,508 --> 00:09:37,478 [ APPLAUSE ] 371 00:09:50,423 --> 00:09:52,393 [ RUSTLING ] 372 00:09:54,461 --> 00:09:56,061 >> HONEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? 373 00:09:56,063 --> 00:09:57,703 >> Jon: IT'S OKAY. 374 00:09:57,698 --> 00:09:58,828 I CAN'T SLEEP. 375 00:09:58,832 --> 00:10:01,272 I'M JUST GONNA WATCH TV. 376 00:10:01,268 --> 00:10:02,668 [ INDISTINCT TALKING ON 377 00:10:02,670 --> 00:10:04,970 TELEVISION ] 378 00:10:08,375 --> 00:10:09,505 >> YOU'RE MAKING A BIG MISTAKE, 379 00:10:09,509 --> 00:10:11,179 SUSAN -- A BIG MISTAKE. 380 00:10:11,178 --> 00:10:12,408 >> THE ONLY ONE MAKING A MISTAKE 381 00:10:12,412 --> 00:10:13,552 IS YOU, JON. 382 00:10:13,546 --> 00:10:15,616 I'M HAPPY WITH MY LIFE, NOW THAT 383 00:10:15,615 --> 00:10:19,115 IT'S A LIFE UNMASKED. 384 00:10:19,119 --> 00:10:20,989 >> YEAH, WELL, I'M HAPPY, TOO! 385 00:10:20,988 --> 00:10:22,658 I'M VERY HAPPY, ACTUALLY! 386 00:10:22,656 --> 00:10:24,256 I'VE GOT A GIRLFRIEND. 387 00:10:24,257 --> 00:10:25,887 I WORK IN A COPY SHOP. 388 00:10:25,893 --> 00:10:28,303 I'M AN HONORARY BLACK MAN! 389 00:10:28,295 --> 00:10:30,895 MY LIFE IS GREAT! 390 00:10:30,898 --> 00:10:32,268 [ Sadly ] MY LIFE IS GREAT. 391 00:10:32,265 --> 00:10:36,735 >> Jon: [ SOBS ] 392 00:10:36,737 --> 00:10:41,807 >> [ SOBS ] 393 00:10:41,809 --> 00:10:44,809 SUSAN, SUSAN, SUSAN... 394 00:10:44,812 --> 00:10:46,652 [ SOBBING ] 395 00:10:46,646 --> 00:10:48,946 >> Jon: [ SOBBING ] 396 00:11:00,293 --> 00:11:03,103 >> HONEY, JUST COME BACK TO BED. 397 00:11:03,096 --> 00:11:07,296 >> Jon: OKAY. 398 00:11:07,334 --> 00:11:08,504 [ CRYING ] 399 00:11:08,501 --> 00:11:10,571 >> HONEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? 400 00:11:10,570 --> 00:11:12,110 >> Jon: I'M CRYING. 401 00:11:12,105 --> 00:11:12,835 >> WHY? 402 00:11:12,840 --> 00:11:15,140 >> Jon: 'CAUSE MY LIFE IS BEING 403 00:11:15,142 --> 00:11:16,782 PORTRAYED ON TV IN AN 404 00:11:16,777 --> 00:11:18,747 UNFLATTERING LIGHT. 25099

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