Original subtitles

Derby, it's Christmas Eve.

You've waited until

the last possible moment,

and you haven't done

your science project yet.

You're going to fail my class.

That's why I have this...

Ohh...

a giant ice cream scoop?

Give him an "A!"

Give him an "A!"

It's a catapult,

a medieval siege weapon,

designed to hurl projectiles

great distances,

invented by the Greeks

in the 4th century B.C.

Slab, did you accidentally

read a book,

thinking it was the instructions

on a box of cake mix?

I know my weapons...

From the earliest

crude stone spearheads

to sophisticated

modern-day armaments,

like this clown hammer.

[squeak]

Can I get one of those?

Sure. Here's my catalog

for the Hurting Store.

- So, you're going to - use this catapult

- To demonstrate - Newton's first law...

- "force equals mass - times acceleration,"

- To calculate the conversion - of potential energy

Into kinetic energy

by the restoring force,

which, in this case,

is elasticity?

No, I was just going to fire you

- into that office building - across the street

So you won't be able

to turn in the grades.

Now... hop on.

- It's not the way - I envisioned Mr. Young

Getting fired,

but I'll take it.

Forget it.

Don't be such a baby!

It'll be fun...

to watch you hit that building.

[chanting]

Do it! Do it! Do it! Do...

Derby, why don't you

just fire something else

and say your science project

was that boring stuff

Adam was talking about?

- [Derby] - OK, what should I use?

Ooh!

It's not Christmas morning yet,

but I suppose

you can open this now.

You got me a boulder

for Christmas?

I know it's extravagant,

but I get the employer discount

from the Hurting Store.

[whoosh]

[thud]

A bag of toys?

Where did this come from?

[man] Ohh...

Maybe this guy can tell us.

? Good-bye, summer

hello, fall ?

? We've been trying

to get here ?

? Since we both

were barely two feet tall ?

? Who you calling kid?

Who you calling kid? ?

? Who you calling kid? ?

- ? You can call me - what you want ?

? But I won't hear a word

where I am here ?

? Who you calling kid? ?

Derby, you killed Santa Claus!

- I don't even know - how many detentions

To give you for this.

Ohh...

Thank goodness. He's alive!

And Derby dodges

the "naughty" list!

- [Dang] Look what - I found on roof!

A tennis ball!

It right next to this

sleigh and reindeer.

Ohh...

Are you OK?

Yeah, I think so.

Three questions, though.

Where am I...

who am I, and...

do you have any ice cream

to go with that giant scoop?

Santa lost his memory.

What are we going to do?

- Well, I don't know - what you're going to do,

But I'm going to do this...

[hammer squeaks

[to the rhythm of "Jingle Bells"]

Well, everything

seems to be OK

with this flashlight.

I really don't

know much about eyes.

You seem to be suffering

from some sort of amnesia.

- What's the last - thing you remember?

- You said, "You seem - to be suffering

From some sort of amnesia.

What's the last thing

you remember?"

Yes! He's cured!

He's not cured.

- We're dealing with someone - who's old, confused,

And doesn't remember anything.

I heard that!

I'm not sure what it meant,

and now I don't remember

what it was, but I heard it!

We weren't talking

about you, Mrs. Byrne.

We were talking about him.

Hello!

I'd like to sit on his lap

and tell him what I want.

Of course, what I want

is to sit on his lap.

Can we focus here?

- It's Christmas Eve, - and this guy has a job to do.

Aw, man, I have to

work on Christmas?

What kind of lousy job

do I have?

You have a great job.

You deliver toys to every kid

in the world tonight.

Every kid in the world

in one night?

And how, exactly, do I do that?

With your sleigh

pulled by flying reindeer.

Right! You people are crazy!

[Adam] What are we going to do?

Someone has to deliver presents

to all the children tonight.

Lucky the drama room

had elf costumes.

[Echo] Yeah,

but they only had three.

I had to wear something

from last year's

production of Cats.

That's my costume!

I was spectacular

as Rumpleteezer.

Meow.

OK. Everyone into the sleigh.

Wait. What?

- I thought we were gonna - divide up the gifts?

I was going to deliver

mine on my bike.

Santa doesn't use a bike.

Clearly!

Instead of cookies,

someone should leave him

a gym membership.

I'm just not sure

if flying reindeer

are the safest mode of travel.

- I mean, that one's - got a red nose.

He's obviously got a cold.

Come on.

Don't be a scaredy-cat.

[laughter]

Yeah. Even if you fall,

you'll land on your feet.

[laughter]

Besides, you got nine lives.

[Adam] Yeah.

Once you're in the air,

you'll be "feline" good. Ha ha!

Get it? I said "feline"...

instead "feelin'"? Ha ha!

I'm telling you,

these guys always

take the good ones.

I'm not getting in there.

Let me talk to her.

What? Hey!

"Now, Dasher! Now, Dancer!

Now, Prancer and Vixen!

On, Comet! On, Cupid!

On, Donner and Blitzen!

- To the top of the porch, - to the top of the wall...

Now dash away, dash away,

dash away all!"

[Echo screams]

Oh, thank goodness.

Well, it's back to my bike idea.

Oh, look the parking brake

is on.

[Echo screams]

Are you OK?

Good thing Adam suggested

you hold on to him.

[choking] It's my pleasure.

Look at all this junk.

Train engine, stuffed animal...

Finally, something good.

Won't this look darling on me?

Ivy, we're here to...

We're here to deliver

presents, not go shopping.

Awesome! Fake vomit!

Actually, I just threw up

in there.

I still call dibs!

So, Saint Nick,

you're not always

a saint, are you?

Mrs. Byrne, stay away from him.

We need to get his memory back.

Don't you remember

delivering all those toys

to all the good little children?

They would send you letters

- listing all the things - they wanted for Christmas,

And you would bring them,

except to me.

Didn't matter

what I put in that letter.

I always got another

porcelain doll

just like the ones

Mommy collected!

Where's my truck, old man?

[Slab] Jordan Slabinsky

is on the "naughty" list?

I'm Jordan Slabinsky!

You have to look in your

wallet to check that?

Wow, are you...

[sleigh bells ringing]

"dum-b."

How could this have happened?

Ha! I knocked that fireman

right off his ladder.

Ha ha ha!

I just don't get it.

How are we supposed

to fit in there?

And what if the fireplace is on?

- Derby, slide down there - and check.

If it's off, say, "All clear."

If it's on, say,

"Aah! It burns!"

I'm not going down there.

It's Santa's job

to go down the chimney.

Well, I don't want to get

this suit all covered in soot.

It's not mine,

- and I'm currently fighting - with my dry-cleaner.

A mesh bodysuit is one item.

Wait. I have an idea.

I can't believe all these years,

Santa hasn't tried this.

[crash]

Done and done.

Don't worry.

To make it up to the kid,

- and to show the world - I'm a good person,

I'm willing to give up

my precious box of vomit.

[splat]

Done and done.

Oh, good idea.

Santa has a toy shop

at the North Pole,

so you bring him to our workshop

to jog his memory.

Oh, I'll jog his memory,

all right.

[machinery whirring]

A truck.

That's all I wanted, a truck!

Like this.

A truck?

That's a lousy Christmas gift.

In my day, we'd give things

like gold, frankincense

and myrrh.

Oh, how we loved our myrrh.

Here we are... Jenny's house.

Derby, I don't see Jenny

on the list.

- You're looking - at the "nice" list.

Jenny's on the "naughty" list.

Then why are we here?

I just told you.

Jenny's on the "naughty" list.

So, "feline" better?

Great! We're going to crash,

and that's the last joke

I'll ever hear.

You know, maybe if you steered,

you'd feel more in control.

I guess I could try it.

OK. This isn't so bad.

See? Nothing to be afraid of.

Now, pull up a little.

[snap]

Aah! We're all going to die!

[all screaming]

[all screaming]

You broke Santa's sleigh!

At least we'll go out

with a bang.

You called?

[all] Aah!

Actually, I said "bang,"

not "Dang."

OK. Merry Christmas!

No! Wait! We need your help!

The sleigh is broken.

No problem.

I can fix with

needle-nose pliers.

Let me grab them.

Whoops!

[all screaming]

[Ivy] What's with

all the screaming?

Ivy, we're plummeting

to the earth!

Aim for a shoe store!

- I need to exchange - these ugly pumps.

That's a remote-control plane!

Give me that!

Oh, suddenly, it's OK

to go through these packages

because wittle Adam

wants an airplane.

Not the airplane,

the remote control.

I'll reprogram it

to control the sleigh.

[beeping]

Uh! That was close.

I was just about to make

another box of vomit.

Whoo! That was awesome!

Aren't you afraid?

Afraid you might start

crying when I do this.

[beep]

[all screaming]

[Echo] Whee!

How great was that?

[sloshing]

Merry Christmas, Slab.

Aw, look! The kid who lives here

left our milk and cookies

right up on the roof,

and so I wouldn't miss them,

he put them right next

to this big "X."

Huh! Wha...

And he installed

a hammock for you.

Gotcha! Let me down.

Forget it! I caught you

fair and square!

[deep voice] Ho, ho, ho,

young fella.

- Why don't you let - my friend out of there?

After all, it's Christmas.

No duh! You think I'd be up here

dressed like a chimney,

freezing my ornaments off

if it were Groundhog Day?

Then what do you want, kid?

An elf. I asked for one for

Christmas, and now I got one.

He's right.

That's what he asked for.

- I'm not an elf!

- I think you are.

- According to this - wee folk chart,

You're exactly elf-sized...

Slightly larger than a pixie,

but smaller than both

a sprite and a gnome.

Listen, kid.

- I've been down - the "naughty" path,

And what's it brought me?

Fear, respect,

more lunches than

a guy could eat in a month.

Huh.

This being-naughty thing has

worked out pretty well for me.

Thanks, kid,

for helping me see the light.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

Hey! Nobody said

you could move.

Uh!

Ow! Ow!

Well, we'd better get going.

- We still have plenty - of stops to make.

[Derby] Ow! Hey! Ow! Wait!

You can't leave me here!

[Echo] Everyone, hold on tight!

Huh. I guess I was wrong.

Uh! Ow!

Ow ow ow ow ow!

[machinery whirring]

- Where's my truck? - Where's my truck?

Where's my truck?

Just about...

done.

Ha ha ha!

No! Another doll...

with amethyst eyes

and exquisite cheekbones.

I know where to put her...

Right next to Penelope.

[Door opens and shuts]

You think that doll's something?

Look at this one.

? Jingle bells ?

? Jingle bells ?

? Jingle all the way ?

[jingles]

[Echo] Oh, what a night.

But we did it.

This was my best Christmas ever.

- I can't believe - we delivered presents

To every child in the world.

Yup, all 37 of them.

That was only 37?

All 37.

OK. No problem.

We still have...

three minutes till dawn.

OK. That's a problem.

Dang.

- You said, "Dang," this time, - right?

[all] Aah!

Dang, can you help us

deliver these gifts?

No problem.

All done!

[all] Aah!

Wow! I ate a lot of cookies.

Mr. Tater, did you have any luck

- helping Santa get - his memory back?

Oh, , no. He's further gone

than Mrs. Byrne.

Yeah, he's further gone

than Mrs. Byrne.

Ooh!

You really kept my suit clean.

Can I have it now?

I gotta get back

to the North Pole.

I don't understand.

- I thought you were further gone - than Mrs. Byrne?

Here's the thing. I'm lazy.

I know I only work

one night a year,

but it's a rough night!

So you never lost your memory?

You were faking?

- Yep. Been doing it for years. - Heh heh!

That's not very nice.

[gasps]

You're on the "naughty" list?

No way!

Way.

[Santa] Ho ho ho! Ha, ha, ha!

Can you believe that guy?

Yeah. Talk about selfish.

- Seriously, - he's not nearly as nice

As he is in all those

animated specials.

Oh, hey, he forgot something.

"For Principal Tater."

[gasps]

[sleigh bells ringing]

And then you'll

make me a toy rocket,

and then you'll make me

a pair of roller skates,

and then you'll

make me rocket skates!

But do not just combine

my rocket and

my roller skates,

because I will know.

Come on, kid. Please.

Let me go.

I'm not an elf.

Quiet, elf!

Uh! Ow! Ow!

[Adam] Force equals

mass times acceleration

- to calculate the conversion - of potential energy

- Into kinetic energy - by the restoring force,

- Which, in this case, - is elasticity?

[Derby snoring]

Wake up.

- Yeah. Wake up. - [squeak]

I'm up.

- So let's see this - catapult, already.

OK, OK.

Uh!

All right. That's an "F."

F-minus because

I think I got frostbite.

No. Wait.

- That'll ruin my straight "F" - average.

Mm...

Nngh. nngh nngh!

Oh, look.

The safety was on.

[Derby] Waah!

Ooh, hi, Santa!

All right.

He can have the "F."

Merry Christmas, everyone.

[all] Merry Christmas.

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