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>> Jon: [ Distorted ] WHAT
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HAPPENS WHEN YOU TAKE A FAMILY
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FROM THE WITNESS PROTECTION
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PROGRAM...
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MOVE THEM TO NEW YORK CITY...
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AND GIVE THEM THEIR OWN REALITY
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SHOW?
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>> * DA-DA-DA-DA, DO-DO
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>> Jon: PREVIOUSLY ON
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"DELOCATED!"...
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>> I'M JUST GLAD THAT CARS DON'T
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RUN ON VODKA.
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[ LAUGHTER ]
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>> Jon: I'M JON, BY THE WAY.
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>> KIM.
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OH, I'M DIVORCED.
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>> Jon: KIND OF GOING THROUGH
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THE SAME THING.
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>> OH.
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THIS IS FOR YOU.
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>> Jon: OH, OH. MMM.
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GOT ME A GIRLFRIEND.
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[ GUNSHOTS ]
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>> OHH. I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M NOT
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GONNA SEE YOU FOR A WHOLE WEEK.
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>> Jon: OH, DON'T REMIND ME.
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OHH!
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GOING TO COSTA RICA FOR YOGA --
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I DON'T GET IT.
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>> I TOLD YOU -- I GO EVERY YEAR
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WITH MY GIRLFRIENDS.
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IT'S AN AMAZING RETREAT.
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>> Jon: "I GO EVERY YEAR WITH
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THE RETREAT."
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I KNOW, BUT, I MEAN, DON'T LEAVE
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ME.
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DON'T GO.
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>> YOU KNOW WHAT, HONEY?
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>> Jon: WHAT?
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>> I GOT YOU SOMETHING.
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>> Jon: OH.
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>> YEAH.
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>> Jon: DO TELL.
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>> IT'S, UM...
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IT'S A PLASTER MOLD OF MY HAND,
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SO NOW YOU CAN HOLD MY HAND
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WHILE I'M AWAY.
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>> Jon: KIM, I-I LOVE IT.
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>> [ Laughing ] OH!
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>> Jon: IT'S AMAZING.
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[ ALARM BEEPING ]
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[ BEEPING STOPS ]
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[ SIGHS ]
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>> Mike: HEY, THERE HE IS.
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I HOPE YOU'RE READY FOR A LITTLE
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CHALLAH FRENCH TOAST.
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>> Jon: YEAH, I DON'T KNOW.
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I DON'T THINK I'M REALLY TOO
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HUNGRY.
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>> Mike: UH, I DON'T THINK YOU
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HEARD ME CORRECTLY.
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I'M MAKING CHALLAH FRENCH TOAST.
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>> Jon: OH, NO, I HEARD YOU LOUD
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AND CLEAR, MIKE.
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YOU'RE MAKING YOUR WORLD-FAMOUS
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CHALLAH FRENCH TOAST.
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MAYBE YOU DIDN'T HEAR ME WHEN I
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SAID I'M NOT HUNGRY.
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OKAY?
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[ DOOR SLAMS ]
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[ CLATTERING ]
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>> Mike: I KNOW YOU'RE SAD
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'CAUSE YOUR GIRLFRIEND'S OUT OF
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TOWN, BUT YOU DO NOT TAKE THAT
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OUT ON ME.
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SORRY I TRIED TO BE NICE!
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[ SIGHS ]
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HI, MA.
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JUST, UH, HAVING A BAD MORNING.
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HE YELLED AT ME.
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NO, I TRIED MAKING IT.
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I TRIED MAKING IT, BUT HE
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YELLED.
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THAT'S WHEN HE JUST YELLED AT
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ME.
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MOM, I DON'T WANT TO BE HERE
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ANYMORE.
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WELL, I WANT TO COME HOME, WORK
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IN THE HARDWARE STORE.
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I SHOULD GO.
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I SHOULD -- UH, THANK YOU.
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>> Jon: [ LAUGHS ]
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>> [ SPEAKING RUSSIAN ]
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>> GUARD, TAKE ME BACK MY CELL.
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THIS NOT MY SON.
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>> [ CRYING ]
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[ BUZZER ]
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[ DOOR SLAMS ]
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[ BABY CRYING ]
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>> Shh!
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Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh!
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Shh!
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STOP. RELAX.
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OH, MY GOODNESS.
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Shh!
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GO TO SLEEP. GO TO SLEEP.
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Shh! Shh! Shh!
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SORRY TO PLOP DOWN NEXT TO YOU
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WITH A CRYING BABY.
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I JUST -- I JUST NEED A BREAK.
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>> Jon: NO PROBLEM.
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I'M IN, UH, KIND OF A SAD MOOD
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MYSELF.
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>> OH.
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>> Jon: I WISH I HAD SOMEONE
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PUSHING ME AROUND LIKE THAT.
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UM, HI. UH, STROLLER COMPANY?
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[ CRYING STOPS ]
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YES, DO YOU MAKE ADULT-SIZED
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STROLLERS?
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NO? WELL, MAYBE YOU SHOULD.
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[ CHUCKLES ]
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I'D BUY ONE.
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>> OH, MY GOSH.
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HE'S ASLEEP.
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>> Jon: WELL, THERE YOU GO.
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>> THIS MIGHT SOUND CRAZY, BUT I
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THINK YOUR VOICE DID IT.
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>> Jon: WELL, I DON'T KNOW ABOUT
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THAT.
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>> YOU SHOULD MAKE A CD.
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I KNOW A TON OF MOMS WHO'D WANT
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TO BUY IT.
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>> THIS IS "NAPPING SOUNDS WITH
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JON," TAKE 1.
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>> Jon: WELCOME TO "NAPPING
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SOUNDS WITH JON."
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GOT A LOT OF TIRED BABIES OUT
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THERE, SO LET'S GET RIGHT TO IT.
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YOU KNOW, I'VE BEEN TOLD I'VE
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GOT A VERY SOOTHING VOICE, SO
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DON'T TRY TO FIGHT IT.
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THINK OF MY VOICE AS A FIST AND
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THINK OF YOU TRYING TO STAY
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AWAKE AS THE FACE.
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AND THINK OF THAT FIST PUNCHING
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THAT FACE RIGHT IN THE FACE...
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[ Echoing ] OVER AND OVER AND
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OVER AGAIN.
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[ CHUCKLES ]
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[ Normal voice ] FASTEN YOUR
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WEIRD BELTS FOR THAT ONE, 'CAUSE
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THE ONLY PLACE YOU'RE GONNA SEE
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SOMETHING LIKE THAT IS IN A TOWN
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CALLED "WEIRDVILLE."
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NOT GONNA FIND THAT ANYWHERE ON
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A MAP.
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YEAH, WAITRESS, I'LL TAKE A TUNA
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MELT -- HOLD THE WEIRD.
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COMES ON THE SIDE.
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IN CASE YOU COULDN'T FIGURE IT
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OUT, I WAS PRETENDING TO BE IN
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A DINER RIGHT NOW, ORDERING
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FOOD.
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I KNEW THAT.
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KNOW WHAT THEY CALL A DINER IN
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WEIRDVILLE?
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THEY CALL IT A WEIRD.
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KNOW WHAT THEY CALL FOOD IN
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WEIRDVILLE?
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THEY CALL IT "FOOD."
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SOUNDS GOOD.
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IF, AT THIS POINT IN THE ALBUM,
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YOU'RE LISTENING AND YOUR KID'S
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STILL AWAKE...
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NO WAY, JOSE.
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...YOU BRING THE CD BACK -- YOU
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GET YOUR MONEY BACK.
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THAT'S WHAT I CALL A BARGAIN.
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THAT'S THE JON GUARANTEE.
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[ CHUCKLES ]
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>> Mike: CONGRATULATIONS ON THE
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CD.
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CHEERS.
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>> Jon: THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
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I'M VERY EXCITED.
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[ CELLPHONE RINGING ]
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>> Mike: MM.
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OH, THAT'S MY MOM.
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I GOT TO TAKE THIS.
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>> Jon: NO PROBLEM.
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I'M GONNA BE OVER HERE IN
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BREADTOWN.
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OH, HI.
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THANK YOU SO MUCH.
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AND THERE YOU GO.
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[ Laughing ] NO. NO.
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YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO DIP THE
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BREAD, NOT YOURSELF.
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HERE. LET ME GET THAT FOR YOU.
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HERE.
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MMM. MM-MMM.
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[ SMOOCHES ]
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MMM.
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>> Susan: JON?
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>> Jon: SUSAN, HI.
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>> Susan: HI.
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DO YOU REMEMBER CHRIS?
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>> Jon: YEAH, MAN.
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WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING HERE?
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>> Susan: UM, HAVING DINNER.
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WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
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>> Jon: UH, I AM HAVING DINNER
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WITH MIKE.
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WE'RE CELEBRATING --
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>> Susan: WHAT'S WITH THE HAND?
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>> Jon: WHAT'S THAT?
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>> Susan: THE HAND YOU WERE JUST
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MAKING OUT WITH.
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>> Jon: IT'S A PLASTER MOLD OF
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MY GIRLFRIEND'S HAND.
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I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND.
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>> Susan: WOW.
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>> Jon: YEAH.
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>> Susan: [ INHALES DEEPLY ]
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SO, IT WAS NICE SEEING YOU.
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>> Jon: GREAT SEEING YOU GUYS.
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YOU LOOK GREAT.
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>> Susan: THANKS.
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>> Jon: [ SIGHS ]
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OH, BOY.
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[ LOCK DISENGAGES ]
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>> HELLO?
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[ DOOR CLOSES ]
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JON? MIKE?
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>> Jon: [ LAUGHING ]
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A 12-MINUTE MILE IS MY PERSONAL
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BEST EVER.
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HEY. WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
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I THOUGHT TOMORROW YOU WERE
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COMING BACK.
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>> I CAME BACK TODAY, AND YOU
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WERE SUPPOSED TO PICK ME UP.
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>> Jon: SWEETIE, COME HERE.
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I'M SORRY.
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COME HERE.
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OH, I'M SO SORRY.
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SERIOUSLY, KIM...
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THANK YOU FOR THIS.
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THIS WAS THE DIFFERENCE-MAKER
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FOR ME THIS WEEK.
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IT WOULD HAVE BEEN, LIKE -- I
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WOULD HAVE BEEN A WRECK WITHOUT
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IT, AND I BARELY MISSED YOU
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WHILE YOU WERE GONE, SO THANK
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YOU.
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BOOP!
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ALL RIGHT.
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LET ME GRAB A SHOWER, AND THEN
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ME, YOU, AND MIKE -- WE'LL,
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UH -- WE'LL GO OUT, JUST THE
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THREE OF US -- NO, THE FOUR OF
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US -- FOR DINNER.
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[ DOOR CLOSES ]
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>> Mike: DO YOU WANT ME TO MAKE
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YOU SOME CHALLAH FRENCH TOAST?
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>> NOT RIGHT NOW, MIKE!
268
00:08:09,790 --> 00:08:11,760
>> Mike: IT HAPPENED AGAIN.
269
00:08:19,266 --> 00:08:20,566
>> DOES THIS COME IN OTHER
270
00:08:20,568 --> 00:08:21,568
COLOR?
271
00:08:24,772 --> 00:08:26,442
[ BABY CRYING ]
272
00:08:26,439 --> 00:08:28,579
>> Jon: THANK YOU, MIKE.
273
00:08:28,576 --> 00:08:30,636
WHOA, NOT BAD.
274
00:08:30,644 --> 00:08:31,814
PRETTY GOOD TURNOUT.
275
00:08:31,812 --> 00:08:34,252
>> UM...WHAT IS THAT DOING HERE?
276
00:08:34,247 --> 00:08:35,177
>> Jon: WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
277
00:08:35,182 --> 00:08:36,052
>> WHY IS MY HAND HERE?
278
00:08:36,049 --> 00:08:36,879
>> Jon: I DON'T KNOW.
279
00:08:36,884 --> 00:08:37,794
I THOUGHT YOU'D LIKE IT.
280
00:08:37,785 --> 00:08:38,585
WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL?
281
00:08:38,586 --> 00:08:40,586
>> THE BIG DEAL IS THAT I'M
282
00:08:40,588 --> 00:08:41,918
BACK AND YOU'RE STILL USING IT
283
00:08:41,922 --> 00:08:42,962
AND IT'S WEIRD.
284
00:08:42,956 --> 00:08:44,316
>> Jon: IT'S YOURS, AND YOU MADE
285
00:08:44,324 --> 00:08:44,864
IT FOR ME.
286
00:08:44,858 --> 00:08:46,758
IT'D BE LIKE IF I WENT ON A TRIP
287
00:08:46,760 --> 00:08:48,600
AND I MADE A PLASTER MOLD OF MY
288
00:08:48,596 --> 00:08:50,296
PENIS AND GAVE IT TO YOU AND
289
00:08:50,297 --> 00:08:52,197
THEN I GOT BACK FROM MY TRIP AND
290
00:08:52,199 --> 00:08:54,669
YOU KEPT USING IT AS A KEYCHAIN
291
00:08:54,668 --> 00:08:56,338
OR A PAPERWEIGHT OR SOMETHING.
292
00:08:56,336 --> 00:08:57,466
>> OF YOUR PENIS?
293
00:08:57,470 --> 00:09:00,170
>> Jon: YEAH, A PLASTER MOLD.
294
00:09:00,173 --> 00:09:02,783
[ BABIES CRYING ]
295
00:09:02,776 --> 00:09:05,146
>> IS THIS ON?
296
00:09:05,145 --> 00:09:09,715
NOT ON. OKAY. ONE SECOND.
297
00:09:09,717 --> 00:09:10,617
[ CLICKS ]
298
00:09:10,618 --> 00:09:11,248
[ FEEDBACK WHINES ]
299
00:09:11,251 --> 00:09:12,521
NOW IT'S ON. HI.
300
00:09:12,519 --> 00:09:14,089
I'D LIKE TO WELCOME OUR NEWEST
301
00:09:14,087 --> 00:09:16,887
BEST FRIEND AND FAVORITE LULLABY
302
00:09:16,890 --> 00:09:19,430
PIED PIPER, "JON."
303
00:09:19,426 --> 00:09:21,226
[ APPLAUSE ]
304
00:09:21,228 --> 00:09:22,958
>> Jon: OKAY, UH, THANK YOU,
305
00:09:22,963 --> 00:09:25,633
MOMS AND DAD.
306
00:09:25,633 --> 00:09:27,743
LET'S GET RIGHT INTO IT.
307
00:09:27,735 --> 00:09:28,465
[ CLICKS ]
308
00:09:28,468 --> 00:09:29,698
[ MID-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS ]
309
00:09:29,703 --> 00:09:30,643
THERE WE GO.
310
00:09:30,638 --> 00:09:32,408
I SEE A LOT OF EYELIDS
311
00:09:32,405 --> 00:09:35,835
FLUTTERING CLOSED.
312
00:09:35,843 --> 00:09:37,213
HUSH, HUSH, LITTLE BABY.
313
00:09:37,210 --> 00:09:40,050
DON'T SAY A WORD...
314
00:09:40,047 --> 00:09:41,507
'CAUSE JON'S GONNA BUY YOU A
315
00:09:41,514 --> 00:09:42,184
MOCKINGWEIRD.
316
00:09:42,182 --> 00:09:43,022
[ BABY LAUGHS ]
317
00:09:43,016 --> 00:09:44,246
[ CHUCKLES ]
318
00:09:44,251 --> 00:09:45,721
THAT'S THE WEIRD VERSION OF A --
319
00:09:45,719 --> 00:09:46,489
[ GUNSHOT ]
320
00:09:46,486 --> 00:09:47,286
>> OH, NO!
321
00:09:47,287 --> 00:09:48,657
[ BABIES CRYING ]
322
00:09:48,656 --> 00:09:49,656
>> Mike: SHOTS FIRED IN THE
323
00:09:49,657 --> 00:09:50,387
BOOKSTORE.
324
00:09:50,390 --> 00:09:51,830
I'M IN PURSUIT.
325
00:09:51,825 --> 00:09:53,655
[ CRYING CONTINUES ]
326
00:09:53,661 --> 00:09:55,561
>> Jon: KIM!
327
00:09:55,562 --> 00:09:57,162
KIM!
328
00:09:57,164 --> 00:09:58,174
KIM, THEY SHOT THE HAND!
329
00:09:58,165 --> 00:09:59,025
>> ARE YOU OKAY?!
330
00:09:59,032 --> 00:09:59,772
ARE YOU HURT?!
331
00:09:59,767 --> 00:10:01,327
>> Jon: THEY SHOT THE HAND!
332
00:10:01,334 --> 00:10:02,004
THEY SHOT IT!
333
00:10:02,002 --> 00:10:04,772
IT'S GONE! IT'S GONE! IT'S GONE!
334
00:10:04,772 --> 00:10:07,212
[ Crying ] IT'S GONE! IT'S GONE!
335
00:10:07,207 --> 00:10:08,237
I'M GONNA PUT IT TOGETHER.
336
00:10:08,241 --> 00:10:08,941
IT'S OKAY.
337
00:10:08,942 --> 00:10:10,142
YOU'RE GONNA BE OKAY!
338
00:10:10,143 --> 00:10:10,843
[ SOBBING ]
339
00:10:10,844 --> 00:10:12,284
OH, NO!
340
00:10:12,279 --> 00:10:13,279
IT'S GONE.
341
00:10:13,280 --> 00:10:14,510
OH, NO!
342
00:10:14,514 --> 00:10:15,984
WHY DON'T YOU SHOOT ME NEXT
343
00:10:15,983 --> 00:10:16,383
TIME?
344
00:10:16,383 --> 00:10:16,923
>> STOP IT.
345
00:10:16,917 --> 00:10:17,917
>> Jon: SHOOT ME NEXT TIME!
346
00:10:17,918 --> 00:10:19,118
>> STOP IT.
347
00:10:19,119 --> 00:10:21,089
>> Jon: OHH, WHY?!
348
00:10:23,891 --> 00:10:25,961
[ EXHALES SLOWLY ]
349
00:10:35,903 --> 00:10:37,873
[ EXHALES SHARPLY ]
350
00:10:43,210 --> 00:10:46,080
[ EXHALES SHARPLY ]
351
00:10:46,079 --> 00:10:49,479
* KIM'S HAND
352
00:10:49,482 --> 00:10:51,992
* KIM'S HAND
353
00:10:51,985 --> 00:10:55,585
* PRETTIEST HAND IN ALL THE
354
00:10:55,588 --> 00:10:56,818
LAND *
355
00:10:56,824 --> 00:10:58,834
* USED TO BE FAKIN'
356
00:10:58,826 --> 00:11:01,826
* NOW IT'S REAL AGAIN
357
00:11:01,829 --> 00:11:06,199
* TALKING 'BOUT MY LADY'S HAND
358
00:11:08,802 --> 00:11:11,242
[ RECORDER SOLO ]
21433
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