Original subtitles

Sixteen years old and obsessed with photography.

Most kids my age are obsessed

with the urge that arrives with puberty...

which has a lot in common with photography.

They both deal with images, both are done alone,

and both require a steady hand.

I think there's room in my life for the two,

but right now photography is exerting the stronger pull.

Scott...

I do care about the band.

This is another approach

that I think they'll like better.

Like L.A. That's a better approach?

Excuse me... Excuse me.

Could you please move?

Hey, you're in my shot.

Would you please move?

Let's just forget it.

Fine.

Laura!

Don't do... Laura!

Wait a minute! Stop it!

What is the matter with you?

I hate photographing people.

People are the worst.

How's it going?

Great. How'd they come out?

Came out pretty good. That'll be...

Twenty dollars is reasonable to charge

for a session of prints.

Why he wanted a graduation photo

of his daughter is beyond me.

She only graduated from beauty school,

and in my opinion,

she could have used a few more classes.

She was not what you would call photogenic.

I don't like to extend credit, but sometimes you have to.

I wouldn't do this kind of photography at all,

except that I need $8,642.

Whoa, Mrs. Mad Max and her killer Doberman.

Morning, Cummings.

There's room... really there is.

It's fine. It's okay, Mrs. Bennett, I'm fine.

I can make it myself.

Nice dog.

No, no, I can handle it, really.

Don't worry.

Jesus Christ.

Uh-oh.

My mom must be dating a real sport this time.

I can't wait to grow up.

I'm Charles Cummings,

if you're wondering whose mother

you had your way with.

Hi. I'm, uh, I'm Ken.

I hope you're planning to marry her.

You know, it is the only decent thing to do.

What did you say to Ken when you barged in on him

in the bathroom?

I didn't barge. I knocked first.

True barging is when you enter without knocking.

What did you say?

Nothing. I gotta go to school.

If I have a guest in my home, Charles,

I don't think it's too much to ask

that you be respectful.

Yes, ma'am.

And don't think that I don't know

about you sneaking out at all hours.

Now, that is going to stop as of now.

Mom... Mom, I'm gonna be late. Oh, Charles,

I want you to come directly home after school today.

Your brother, Leonard, is driving up

to introduce us to his fiancée.

Mom. Mom, we met his fiancée.

But this is a new one.

Mom, has it ever occurred to you

that maybe he tells you he's engaged to these girls

so you'll let them sleep together

when he comes here?

Do all kids today talk back to their parents

the way you do? Oh, no.

Most of them are too stoned to speak at all.

Cummings, more coffee?

No thanks.

Last call. No thanks, Grace.

Come on, let's go, Grace, let's go.

Four-five. One point four.

I never get it right.

Oh, don't worry about it, Grace. You'll live.

Okay, one more. Go for it.

Two-eight.

Two- Oh. Ooh. Good eye.

Do you belong to the photography club?

No.

Oh, arrogant. I like that.

I don't suppose you're going to the dance next weekend.

No.

Me either.

Wanna not go together?

Um, my brother Leonard is coming in this weekend.

He'll be real crushed if we don't have

a full weekend of sibling rivalry.

Oh, come on, we could go out to the airport.

I hear they just installed

these state-of-the-art games out there.

I really don't think so. What's the matter?

You don't like aggressive women?

Well... So, uh, you ask me out.

Cummings isn't into girls, right, Cummings, huh?

Wanna go out with me? Take my picture naked.

Oh.

Hey, Mona...

What's your bra size?

Multiply the length of your dick by 10 and add your IQ.

Ask a simple question, she gives you a math problem.

Uh, Houston. This is shuttle control.

... A renegade covert mission fly here.

We are preparing to photograph.

Do we have permission on...

Uh, Columbia, you have permission to fire.

And that's a two point eight light meter reading.

Let's set our camera accordingly.

Here we go. And that one's set.

Okay, guys, I think we caught this sucker red-handed.

Oh, this is a beautiful shot, guys.

This is beautiful, this sucker. Don't ever get out of...

Oh, well, that's great. That's great.

This is gonna be on the cover of TIME here.

Oh, wait... we have liftoff.

Oh, boy.

It's not like Leonard not to call.

Mm, it's exactly like Leonard not to call.

Come on, don't worry, Joan.

The worst that happened is they...

uh, they got hung up in traffic.

And the very worst that could have happened is

that their car ran off the road,

and they're bleeding to death in a drainage ditch.

What on earth is wrong with you, Charles?

Nothing. Why?

Whatever possessed you to say such a thing?

I was just wondering along with, uh, Uncle Ken here

what could be keeping them.

I think that your interest in photography

has gone past the point of being healthy, Charles.

You're spending too much time

in that darkroom with those chemical fumes.

He's just going through a phase.

I got a call today from the principal's office.

He was caught taking pictures of flies in his French class.

Flies? That's right.

One fly.

Yeah, I mean, all boys go through this.

Probably needs to vent some of that excess energy.

Have a girl, Chuck?

No, thanks, I'm full.

Holy shit!

All right, Charles, if you cannot conduct yourself

like a civilized human being, you can go to your room.

Thanks, Mom.

Uh, you can have my dessert, Uncle Ken.

Well-

The army might not be a bad idea for a kid like that.

Oh!

I was- I was in the Army.

It's been said that life is full of surprises.

Hmm, my life is mostly predictable and pretty dull.

Until this.

You haven't seen her anywhere? You know her?

No, I don't know her, Cummings.

No, never seen her.

No, never did. Sorry.

Someone said if you stand in one spot long enough,

the whole world will pass by.

I don't know who said that, but he's an idiot.

Welcome home, Leonard.

Yeah, my little brother.

Are you still playing in the street, huh?

Hi, I'm Susan. Hi.

Where's the red carpet? Nice to meet you.

What, have you met? No.

This is the lady of my dreams.

He's got red cheeks, huh?

She's quite a gal.

Charles... come here.

Susan, here, come on, make yourself useful.

What do you think this is, a vacation?

Ma was really sick about you, you know?

Charles, don't stand there like a lump.

You got a free hand. Come on, help us.

Jesus Christ. What have you got in here, your old fiancée?

Come on, come on. Show her in. Show her in.

Susan, when you get upstairs, run us a bath.

That's a nice motor scooter. I like that motor scooter.

So, uh, how long have you two known each other?

Is there a tennis court around here?

What happened? Mom said you'd be home last night.

Susan got a throbbing case of los hornitos

and forced me to stop at a disgusting adult motel.

No, it was your Mr. Winky that was doing the throbbing.

Mom had visions of you lying dead in a drainage ditch.

We did the drainage-ditch number outside Santa Cruz.

Ow! Yeah, she can't keep her hands off me.

How long you staying? Just till next Saturday.

We'll be leaving right after the wedding.

What wedding?

Oh, Leonard and I are getting married.

You know, a simple ceremony

here in the apartment.

One minister. Several hundred guests.

Did you tell Mom?

Uh-uh. We wanted to surprise her.

Ma!

Mom, guess what?

I don't want to hear anymore about it.

Because we were both-

She took the news of Leonard's wedding plans

better than I expected.

Leonard always seemed to get what he wanted.

I never seem to get what I wanted.

Fortunately, I never really wanted much.

But I wanted desperately to find...

A girl. Yeah.

Mid-20s.

Dark, dark hair.

Um, distinguishing marks?

Uh... a symmetrical jaw line...

uh, finely sculpted cheekbones.

Her eyes? Um, she has incredible eyes.

I have a photo that I could bring down for you.

I have to call a caterer... and maids.

Oh! It's the bride's parents who are supposed to do this.

I should call them.

Who are you talking to? The police. Missing persons.

Oh, quit being such a smart-ass, Charles.

Who is this?

Who wants to see big tits?

Mom, could I finish talking to them, please?

Who are you really?

Charles, come on. We're going to the North Beach.

It's my engagement present to Susan.

Leonard, I'm not going.

I feel kinda funny looking at other women's bosoms.

Well, then, you just keep your eyes shut

and I'll describe every juicy detail to you.

What do you mean you're not going? I'm not.

Please, I am trying to talk to this man,

whoever he is. I'm sorry, Ma.

Charles, grab your fake ID, and let's hit the streets.

I'm terribly sorry. Now, who are you?

We got the girls. Show time.

Hi, there. Take a peek. Hey pal, come here.

Come on in. come on in.

Charles?

Charles.

Hi. How are you?

Oh, you should have seen the size

of the chi-chis on this one chick.

Wa-whoo! Oh, my God, they were big ones.

I know I should have, but I'm underage.

I can't legally look at chi-chis- not even small ones.

No, no, it's no fair. You're not having a good time.

Aw. Perhaps Susan'll show you one of hers

when we get home. I don't think so.

That's all right. I'm not all that interested.

Well, we don't go home

until we get you into at least one club.

But you have to be 21. What do you want me to do,

wander around here for another five years?

Oh, come on. No, forget it.

Hey, wait. No, wait.

Where are you going?

Wait... use my ID.

This is never gonna work.

Uh, I'm much better-looking than you are.

You have to have a drink

to toast my upcoming marriage.

All they can do is just throw you out and,

uh, confiscate Leonard's driver's license.

Uh, I'll probably get arrested.

Oh, come on. They may not even card you.

Listen, I haven't been asked for ID once tonight.

No, they'll ask. I always get caught at stuff like this.

That's why I never do it.

Hi. ID.

Ah.

All right, Susan.

ID.

Let's see.

Uh, American Express gold card, army discharge...

Uh... it's so rare I'm asked. I'm flattered.

All right.

Hi. ID.

Huh?

That was easy.

Oh, yes.

The bouncer thought I looked like somebody he knew.

Who? Andrew Jackson.

Oh! Oh, I want to sit on the balcony.

All right.

Hey, you. You work here? Yeah.

What's your name? Jake.

Jake- Just like the club, huh? Yeah.

That's a coincidence. I'm Leonard. Glad to meet you.

Jake, does she take off her clothes?

I'm sure she does... but not in here.

So, what, do any of the chicks in here

take off their clothes? No.

Why would anybody wanna just look at a band?

Forget it. We're having one drink, and we're out of here.

It's her! Who?

Who is she? What's her name? I don't know.

Good. Maybe he's got a friend.

Hey, move it. Move it, buddy.

I tell ya, kid, sit down!

Ernie. Out!

Let's go out.

Out! Come on. I was a nice guy.

I let you in with that phony ID. Don't give me any grief.

Yeah, maybe we'd better get Charlie and just go.

Why? Charles is having fun. No, he's not.

Hey! That's my baby brother!

Hey!

Yeah, get 'em- Get 'em out of there.

What's your name?

Laura.

Let's go, buddy.

If he could, Leonard would strap cymbals to his knees

and clang them during the act.

Jesus Christ!

I am not letting your escapades spoil my Sunday brunch.

Now start eating.

Leonard, your sausage is getting cold.

Mom, I, uh,

wouldn't worry about Leonard's sausage.

You'd think that someone about to get married

would have more sense.

And you can just thank your lucky stars

that the owner isn't pressing charges.

The bouncer knew the ID was phony.

He even said so. I don't want to discuss it.

I just want to have a pleasant Sunday brunch.

These waffles are great. Oh, well have some more.

May I be excused? Yes.

When you clean your plate.

I, uh, I gotta say something here.

Charles, I know you look at me, and you think I'm,

uh, some square dude, right?

I don't think that.

Now, don't- no, let me finish.

I'm a '60s person, okay?

I smoked pot. I had long hair.

We all wore granny shades... The whole bit, man.

But I don't want to bore you with the details,

but I do want you to know where I'm coming from.

I think I know.

Being weird and different is not where it's at.

It takes energy, Chuck.

Energy that you could put into being normal.

Boy, if you really work at it, you have a real shot at being

a very successful, normal person.

Okay, specifics.

You like to take the, uh, the snaps, huh?

So get yourself on the school paper. You see?

And you cover the sports beat.

And you get yourself some zippy clothes,

and who knows, you could end up with a cheerleader.

He's right.

So, what do you think?

No, no. Don't do that. Don't censor yourself.

Huh...

Grounded.

As if Sundays aren't bad enough.

Next time they ask me how I feel,

I think I'll just give them

the old tried and true "I don't know."

We are really good.

Is that why kids almost 10 years younger than me

are on hot records and touring. And what am I doing?

I'm sitting here still playing bars.

Jake, would you talk to him?

I've been talking to him for a week.

Hi. Hi.

Didn't the cops take you away last night?

Yeah, they did. But my Mom bailed me out.

You'd better get out of here.

If Jake sees you, he will break both of your legs.

Just let me give you this, and I won't take anymore of your time.

Get down!

If that's the way you feel, I respect your decision.

I'm glad somebody around here does.

You couldn't get through either.

I gotta tell you, Laura,

he makes awfully good points.

And you're the one who's supposed to be

convincing him to stay? You can't deny good points.

There's nothing good about leaving the band

to become a half-assed studio musician.

The money is good. The hours are good.

I didn't ask you for a list. The conditions are good.

Hey, if you two are gonna slug it out, do it over here

where everything is already broken. I'll be in the office.

Why are you doing this?

Laura, I've been playing in a rock 'n' roll band

since I've been in junior high school,

and I'm still a struggling musician.

I'm too old for this shit. Come on. You're 28.

Don't you understand that if you don't

make it young in this business you don't make it at all?

Laura, there comes a time

when you've got to drop the fantasy.

Then drop the fantasy, but don't drop it on me,

because, Scott, I'm gonna make it.

You're kidding yourself.

I'll guarantee 10 weeks.

Five hundred a week.

Tomorrow night.

Yes, I know they opened for Fleetwood Mac, Bobby.

I saw the concert.

Yes, I heard the audience. No, they were yelling-

"We want Fleetwood Mac" is what they were yelling, Bobby.

No, I can't go 750.

And I- I'm telling you

that I'll stand on the stage and hum

before I go 750.

Yeah, you think about it too.

Jake, you don't need to book another band.

Did you get him to stay? You don't need Scott.

I can get Snuffy to fill in on the keyboards. Please.

I'd love to help you out. I think you're a great singer,

but it's gonna sound a little thin

without the lead guitar. No.

I'm in this business long enough to know you need the whole band.

Okay, we'll get another lead guitarist.

Let me talk to Murray. Please?

Jake Lewis.

Jake, if we don't fill the club, then you can get another band.

Listen, Murph...

And you don't have to pay us.

Uh, hold the line a second, Murph.

Jake, I have never asked you for anything, but I need this.

And I'll lose the band.

Let me get back to you, Murph.

Ah, honey, I know it's tough.

Don't worry, I'm not gonna cry.

What do you think,

I'm gonna throw you out on the street?

It'll be okay. We'll give it a try.

Thanks, Jake.

Oh.

You know, I could kill that son of a bitch

for breaking your heart like this.

Jake... Yeah?

I know that feels broken too... but it's not.

Yeah.

All right. We'll give this a try.

But remember, I'm running a business here.

If you don't draw, we're just gonna

have to bring in another band.

Jake, can you loan me five?

Jake!

Jake, open up. Come on, let me out.

What? Who- Who's in there?

You can bet it's not a satisfied customer.

Don't let this happen again.

Hey!

He's a terrific swimmer, isn't he?

You again.

You know, at an early embryonic stage,

people have gills. Just like fish.

Well, like, uh, tadpoles actually.

There's a kid at my school

whose little brother still has a gill.

It, uh, never grew back together

or whatever it was supposed to do.

So he wears turtleneck sweaters all the time.

What do you want?

Oh, nothing, nothing.

Well, um... That's not true, really.

I wanted you to look at the photographs.

What photographs?

You're the guy who was yelling at us

to get out of the shot.

Yeah, that's right. That's true.

I was trying to get the street sweeper.

Well, the light's not real good in here,

and they're kind of rough anyway

because I didn't plan for the shots.

I mean, I can do a lot better.

Um...

So, uh, you come here

just to look at this one fish?

When something's bothering me, I come and I watch the fish,

and whatever's bothering me goes away.

It's not working today.

Well, uh...

I guess I'd better be going then.

What I was wondering, actually, is if you would allow me

to photograph you some time. Uh, whenever it's convenient.

Look... That's very considerate.

Do you have a portfolio?

I, I mean you should have a portfolio.

You know, for publicity and like that.

I'm really a good photographer.

And I'm a really good singer,

but I'm about to be an out-of-work singer

unless I fill the club where I work,

or play hide the sausage with my boss,

which I'll never do,

and I don't have a lead guitarist,

and I don't know where I'm gonna find a decent one,

and I know that this all must sound terribly trivial to you,

in comparison to your need to take my picture,

but it's really important to me,

so I would appreciate it if you would just go away

so I can figure out what I'm gonna do.

Here's my number, if you change your mind.

Charles Cummings.

Yeah, yeah. Charles.

Or, or, or you can call me Cummings.

Fine, Cummings. Goodbye.

I only know one thing.

I'm miserable and you're a lucky fish.

You get to look at her.

You don't exactly have anything festive, Charles.

I can dress myself, Susan.

So let's just give him a white shirt.

Maybe he'll spill something colorful on it later on.

You know, you are so lucky.

You get to spend this nice, quiet evening

at home with Mom.

Charles and I gotta go

to this boring old stag party.

I hate stag parties.

Good, don't go.

No, I'm just kidding.

We'll get you laid tonight.

Maybe we'll both get laid.

Why do you want to get laid?

You're getting married in a week.

Don't you love Susan? Oh, come on.

Of course, I love Susan.

Listen, sex has nothing to do with love.

Sex washes off.

Well, if I loved somebody,

I wouldn't go around having sex. Oh, yeah, right.

You don't go around having sex now.

Who are you in love with?

Nobody. I could have sex. I just don't want to.

No, everybody wants to.

I bet you'd like to give that singer a pump.

I would not. Yeah.

I remember asking my mother once

where babies came from,

and she told me one of the most outrageous,

incredible stories that I had ever heard.

It turned out to be true.

This is not natural.

Neither is that.

I never seen that before.

There's something very wrong about looking at filth

on the same screen you watch football.

She will receive.

Animals and gentlemen...

I'd like to introduce Stephanie.

Hi, guys.

Where's the man of the hour?

Right here. What is this?

What is this? This is your present.

We all chipped in and got you

a hundred-buck- an-hour hooker. Sex surrogate.

Unfortunately, we could only raise enough

for half an hour.

That's 29 minutes more than Leonard needs.

Hi.

Okay, enough small talk. The meter's running.

Could you hold on for just a minute?

Come here.

This is a one-room apartment you got here, Einstein.

Where am I supposed to go with her, in the closet?

Take her into the bathroom.

I'm not gonna do it in the bathroom.

I do it all the time. Yeah, you're alone.

So just go right down here behind the counter.

I, uh, I think this is the climactic scene.

Guys, I told you, this was a stupid idea.

Maybe she'll give us a refund.

Um, I'll be with you in a second.

My kid brother's here. This makes me feel...

So, what are you gonna do?

I know a place we could go.

He talks? Leave him alone. What, Chuck?

First, let's have a little toast to my brother,

and then I'll tell you what I have in mind.

Laura! Laura! Laura...

Would you get off the phone and get out there?

What's going on? I have no idea.

Let's go now. She'll call you back.

Laura! Laura! Laura! Laura!

Laura! Laura!

So, what are you guys- friends of Laura?

No. Just music lovers.

That chick is hot!

She's great!

Charles, hey.

Someone is here to see you, Charles.

That's right.

I told a certain someone what you did tonight.

You touched her, Charles. What?

You touched her deep inside.

So I'll leave you two alone now.

You are so sweet.

Do you know that?

Leonard said you wouldn't mind.

I, um... I have to go to school tomorrow.

Early. I have- I have to go very early.

And what grade are you in?

Sixth.

I, uh, I mean, 11th. I'm a junior.

Don't get nervous.

I'm not.

Good.

I don't know why I'm doing this.

I guess I'm just in a very charitable mood.

And you...

You are so sweet.

Oh...

What's wrong?

Um, I have... I have a headache.

Oh, maybe you'd like me to rub the back of your neck.

Oh, no thanks. I can rub my own neck.

Thanks.

Can you swim? I don't know.

It's just like swimming- the butterfly stroke.

And... I was state champion.

I'm, uh... I, uh...

I really appreciate what you're trying to do,

but it's just such a surprise.

There's nothing wrong with a little surprise.

Ooh.

Ooh!

I'm sorry. Ow.

Oh!

Leonard didn't tell me

you were into S and M.

Oh!

Look, maybe we'd better just stop this

before you get a concussion or something.

Listen, it really, it's... it's nothing personal.

It's, it's just that I-

Look, I know.

I really do understand.

The first time is always scary.

Did Leonard tell you that?

No! Uh-uh, it was just a wild guess.

Well... I want you to know I think...

I think you're a very nice lady.

Oh, and I think you're a very nice man.

And when you're ready,

I'm sure you're gonna make someone a very nice lover.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Um...

What?

Never mind.

What?

No, it's really it's- it's stupid. Forget it.

Look, I've had men ask me some very stupid questions.

Well, um...

You know, I don't want you to think

I'm- I'm coming on to you or anything,

but, um...

could I have a hug?

I think that's a first for me.

Yes.

Charles, what is all the noise going on...

Mom!

Uh... Oh!

Mom?

Mom, Stephanie.

Stephanie, Mom. Hi.

Um, you're not gonna believe this,

but- but Stephanie here was state champion

of the breaststroke- butterfly stroke.

She still has those big, nice swimmer shoulders...

doesn't she though?

You must be a wonderful mother

because you raised an absolutely terrific son.

That's, um...

two terrific sons.

Grounded till I'm 40.

Well, I can see my mother's side.

Naked women in your room are tough to explain,

even if you're innocent, which I still am, in spades.

Hi, Charles. How've you been?

Fine.

Hi, Charles. How you been?

Hey, Charles. Hey, hey. What is this?

Is this a Frisbee for midgets? Give it here, Nelson.

Let's see how far I can throw it, huh?

Whoosh.

Whoop, whoop, whoop. Nelson, give it here.

Knock it off.

Nelson, give it here.

Seriously, Charles. I've got this friend, Bruce,

who wants to go to the dance with you.

Uh, you can flip a coin to see who wears the dress.

Cummings.

Excuse me.

What are you doing here? Hi. How you doing?

Great now.

I, uh, I just wanted to thank you for the other night.

Mm, that was nothing.

Well, it really meant a lot to me,

and I just want you to know that I appreciate it.

Well, how's it been going since then?

Well, I decided to take you up

on your proposition.

So when do you want to do it?

Um...

Um, this is private,

so, uh, would you mind, uh, going off

and playing with each other. Uh, toss a ball around.

Sorry if I interrupted something with your friends.

They're not my friends exactly.

So when do you want to snap me?

Oh, any time it's convenient for you.

I mean, you don't have to do this, you know?

How about this afternoon?

Today? Well, um, yeah. We could do it today. Uh...

Here.

Here's my phone number.

And my address.

Tickle? Yeah.

Just in case something comes up.

Oh, nothing'll come up.

I just, uh, have to go home

and get my equipment.

So I'm coming to your place? If that's okay.

That's... fine.

Nice car.

Thanks. It's Jake's.

It needs a wash.

I'll see you in a bit.

I'm gonna have to have a doorknob

installed on this thing.

Oh... um...

I'm, uh, I'm here to see Miss Victor.

Hey, Laura, that pain in the ass kid's here.

Excuse me. Yeah, I'm sorry.

Would...

Hello...

Here I am.

I'm sure I look lovely, so fire when ready.

Um, did... something happen?

No. Just how I look

when I'm sitting around the house.

Did, uh...

did, uh, did he do something to you?

You could say that.

I read this article about this South African tribe.

They had something like 50 different words for a cow.

It's interesting, don't you think?

People have the most words

to describe what they value the most.

I, uh... should have probably read the article.

How many words do you know to describe the female sex organ?

Um... I really don't know what you're getting at.

I'm sure you've seen a variety

written on the bathroom walls at school.

I guess. So with all those words...

you'd think it's quite a valuable commodity,

wouldn't you?

I'm sorry. Is this making you uncomfortable?

Oh, oh, no. Not at all.

Um, I just can't help but feeling

that we're being watched.

When I returned Jake's car...

he told me that he'd hired another band...

so I tried to change his mind with my most valuable commodity.

You, uh... you slept with him.

God, if I'd slept with him, I'd still have a job.

Jake said he had too much respect for me.

Can you believe it?

You just can't depend on anything anymore.

Do you mind if we got out of here and shot some place else?

Oh, no, no.

That's what I- I brought the extra helmet for.

Do me a favor and throw a few of these things in this bag.

Um, sure.

This stuff.

I'm gonna go clean myself up.

I, uh, I didn't know you painted.

I don't.

They're my brother-in-law's.

I'm just loft-sitting.

Oh.

Bye-bye.

Oh, uh, hi, Mona.

Cute. She's got some nifty moves.

No.

What, you don't like girls?

They're okay. They're just not real interesting.

Not like me, huh?

Pardon me.

Would you do me a favor?

Would you be kind enough to take our picture, please?

All you have to do is press this thing right here.

I- I know how to...

Go ahead. Go ahead. go on.

Good.

Okay.

Uh, hold it just like that. Yeah.

Cheese.

Yeah, that's great.

Thank you. No, no, hold it, hold it.

No, wait, wait, wait.

Hold it, hold it right there.

Great, great.

I just only have a couple of shots.

Oh, yeah? No, you've got plenty.

It says 36.

Okay.

Oh, okay.

Hi.

Nice guy, don't you think?

Wait a second. You know what?

We gotta do something about your wardrobe.

What's the matter? I think it's kinda zippy.

No... You always look like it's about to rain.

Come on.

Look at that.

Unbelievable. Just "Diana."

And she doesn't even have to use her last name.

And nobody says "Diana who?"

Do you think that'll ever happen to me?

Sure. Absolutely. Why not?

Cummings, I'm starving. How much money do you have?

Fifty cents.

Fifty cents. Some feast we're gonna have.

Wait, I've got an idea.

Would you mind telling me what you're doing?

Just trust me.

Is this a day or what?

Hello! Hello.

I know you! How are you?

Are you with the groom? What's your name?

Yes, of course. Where is he?

What's your... There he is!

We're gonna go say hello. It's so nice to see you.

Godspeed to all you guys.

I don't believe this.

What did I tell you, a piece of cake.

Eighty-six hundred...

Eight thousand, 642 dollars.

And I didn't just make that up either, you know?

I listed all my expenses, like airfare, rent, food...

Women, booze, drugs.

Why Milan? Why not New York?

I mean, isn't that where all the magazines

and all that are? Well...

Milan is where they'll give a new photographer a start.

I mean, once they get a name, then New York.

You seem to have things pretty planned out.

What's wrong with that? Nothing. Nothing at all.

Just... you tend to miss a lot.

I mean, you cover more ground

zigzagging around

than you do than going in a straight line.

Well, you must've had plans to get where you got.

Yes, I carefully manipulated my life

so I could become

an unknown, unemployed singer.

It's always been my dream.

No, but you see, you're gonna make it. I mean...

Can I get you something to drink?

Yes.

Wait, wait, wait. Where are you going?

To the dames du toilette.

Here. Do something. Be a good boy.

Tie your shoe or something.

Ladies and gentlemen,

let's now greet the bride and the bridegroom

as they dance their first dance together

as man...

and wife.

Nicky and Natasha. Let's go.

That's sweet. Oh.

Hey, what happened?

Your girlfriend leave you stranded?

Oh, oh, no, um-

She's just powdering her nose.

Hmm. Hey, you getting everything you need?

They treating you right? Oh, it couldn't be nicer.

I can see you can really hold your liquor.

You know the secret of a good drinking man.

The more you eat, the more you can drink.

Am I right? Yeah, that's my motto.

You got a good full belly, huh?

Oh, I'm stuffed, yeah.

I bet you are. Hmm.

Ah, let's just see here.

You got your champagne. Yeah, yeah.

A pitcher of margaritas. Forget your tomato juice.

Uh-oh. Dozen or so bellini, caviar,

a few cheese puffs... They were great.

Throw in some ramaki and your assorted nibbles,

I say it comes to an even 38 bucks.

How does that sound to you?

I beg your pardon?

Unless you want to throw in a few dollars for the tip,

but that's entirely up to you.

Wait, wait a minute.

Uh... Wait.

Wait a minute. This-

This is a wedding, right?

Right. A wedding for which I am paying.

A wedding to which family and friends

were invited.

A wedding from which

you and your lovely other freeloader

are gonna be leaving with the cops

unless you come up with the money.

That's the kind of wedding this is.

Uh...

You think we're freeloaders?

You're kidding.

You don't know who Laura Victor is?

Lead singer of the Bygones?

Possibly one of the biggest stars

this country has today.

It's the truth.

Uh... May I drop dead on the spot.

Kid, I think you're full of shit,

but if you're not, maybe we can work something out.

I don't want to do this.

I don't want this. You got me into this,

you're gonna get me out of it.

Come on.

You are in for a real experience.

One of us is.

Give her a note.

Attention, ladies and gentlemen, a wonderful surprise.

Uh, we are privileged to have with us this evening...

the, uh, very talented

and very lovely Miss Laura Victor,

and she's going to favor us with a song

in honor of the newlyweds,

and at the request of the father of the bride.

Bottle of the French champagne for the lady

with my compliments. You bet.

When you were singing, I got goosebumps.

I mean that.

You were terrific, really. I mean it.

Well, not being my kind of music, I did okay.

If you ask me,

that's the way you ought to sing all the time.

Nobody's asking.

Well, I never heard you sound like that.

Good.

Hi. I'm Charles Cummings.

Big fucking deal.

Big fucking deal.

Oh!

Come, come on.

What are you doing?

I'm getting my key.

The key- oh, the key to your heart?

No, the key's in my boot.

No, it's the key to your heart.

Oh, there it is.

Oh, okay. Oh, my God. My shoe.

Want me to hold you?

Okay.

Ready... and push.

Will you pull my boot off for me, please?

I had a great time.

You know, I didn't even think I'd like that kind of music...

But you were great.

It's old people's music.

And the only reason why you like it

is because you're weird.

Hi, Laura, this is Melanie.

I just heard about this gig over at the Mark Hopkins.

They need a cocktail waitress to work the afternoon shift,

and call Mr. Gregg in the personnel office.

That's nice. Good luck.

It's better than nothing.

Oh, I guess you're not home.

I tried you over at Jake's.

Uh, this is Scott, by the way.

I know who you are, you idiot.

Listen, Laura, I'm really sorry to hear

about you losing the gig, but I hope you're doing okay,

and I was just thinking about you.

So anyway, if you decide to get out of there,

I got a big spare side of the bed

and a window that gives you a great view of the smog.

I'll be up until about 11:00 if you want to call.

I've got an early session tomorrow.

They're putting this wave sound behind some...

Chevy Truck commercial.

How can he go to bed at 11:00?

I don't think you want to drink that.

I don't need anybody telling me what to do.

I know what I want.

I just want to be the best.

Laura the best...

The best cocktail waitress.

Laura, maybe, hey...

Hey, what?

"Hey, everything's gonna work out."

Well, maybe everything isn't gonna work out.

Maybe I'm a lousy singer and you're a lousy photographer.

Now, don't say that.

Why, do you know you've got what it takes?

I don't know if I've got what it takes.

You want to get to Milan, then you'd better go right now,

because it might not be there tomorrow.

And then what?

You've got no dream at all.

Just go. Go.

Please.

I can't do anything like what you're talking about

on such short notice.

Anyway, we don't do this kind of thing,

and if we did, you couldn't afford it.

Put your money away, kid.

It was an important lesson I learned.

You may be disappointed by a person's humanity,

but you'll never be disappointed by their greed.

I felt like I had just bought

the biggest present in the world,

and I was holding my breath until she opened it.

Hello?

This is her.

Do I what?

Who is this?

You're disgusting.

Oh.

Listen, you disgusting-

I'm sorry. I thought you were someone else.

What?

No, this is not an escort service.

Well, I'm sorry. You're sadly mistaken.

God.

Hello?

I'm sorry. I don't understand you.

I don't speak that language.

I don't speak Arabic, no.

And I don't do that either.

Listen, how did you get my number?

Hello?

Yeah?

Terrific. Is that a fact?

Listen, I don't have the slightest idea

what you are even talking about.

I'm a cocktail waitress.

No, I will not talk dirty to you.

Hey, Laura, how you doing? Look. It's Laura.

Hi, Laura! How are ya?

Fine. how are you?

She looks great.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Oh, wait! Would you wait?

You.

I wanna talk to you now. I'm taking my mid-term.

If you want to live to take your final,

you'd better get up!

She had a bad day.

And too much coffee.

Ow.

I guess you're, uh, mad.

Half the population of San Francisco

and some foreign nations think I'm some kind of hooker.

Oh. Oh?

How could you put my picture, that picture,

and my name and my number on the back of a taxicab?

I didn't put it on the back of a taxicab.

I put it on the back of 150 taxicabs.

Why?! Well, I- I thought...

I mean, how could you do that?

I thought that if maybe...

I mean, what an incredibly asinine thing to do.

My phone hasn't stopped ringing. Every pervert on the west coast

has my number.

Well, I thought it might get you some job offers.

Oh, it got me job offers, all right.

Some sheik wants me to have a scene

with he and his eight wives while he's in town.

Good thing he didn't bring his goddamn camel!

Uh, Charles. Would you kindly fuck off?

Laura, he's my French teacher.

Well, excuse me. Would you kindly fuck-ez vous?

Yes.

I guess I didn't think this out too well.

You're being too kind to yourself.

You've made me a laughing stock with this prank,

plus costing me my job.

Laura, I'm sorry. I really am...

but you were the one who told me

not to plan so much, to zigzag around.

I want you to get rid of those pictures.

I don't know if I can.

Why in the hell did you do this to me?

I mean, "Laura Victor. She's the best."

What does that mean? Nothing.

I just thought that one thing might lead to another.

I did it to help you.

Well, don't do things unless people ask you.

Do you understand? Just stay away from me!

You're a weird kid.

Come on. That is my face and my home number up there.

I mean, how would you like it

if you had your home number parading around town

on the back of 150 taxicabs?

A hundred and seventy-five.

I threw in an extra 25 because I like that kid.

Oh, terrific.

Look, I'll just sue. I'll sue your company.

Well, go ahead. Everybody sues me.

Well, then I'll just rip these goddamn things

off myself, if I have to.

Oh, you are real tough, aren't you, girly?

Don't call me girly.

You're a beautiful woman, but for the life of me,

I can't figure out what that kid sees in you,

laying out six grand so he can make you

into some kind of goddamn star or something.

What did you say?

Six-thousand dollars?

He paid you $6000?

Yeah. And you took it?

Yeah.

He gave up Milan. Oh, my God.

I'm such an idiot.

He gave up Milan for me.

Could you call me a cab?

Hey, how you doing?

Hi. Um, you're a friend of Charles Cummings, right?

We share a common interest in photography.

Uh, can I buy you a Coke?

No. No thank you.

Listen, if you happen to see him,

or if he comes in here,

would you please have him call me?

He has your number? Everyone has my number.

All right. Well, I'll have him give you a jingle.

Great, I really appreciate it.

What's your name? Laura.

All right, Laura.

Thank you so much. I really appreciate it, okay?

Okay, I'll see you around, Laura.

Yeah.

Whoo-hoo! It works. It works.

Did you see how she let me feel her left ya-ya, man?

You touched her shoulder.

It's all connected, isn't it?

Hello. Is there a Charles Cummings at this residence?

I'm sorry I disturbed you. Thank you.

Sometimes it seems like nothing ever works out,

and what's worse is sometimes things almost work out

and then fall apart.

If this is the way life is, how do people stand it?

We're closing now.

"Dear Laura...

"I imagine I'm the last person in the world

"you want to hear from right now,

"but I did want you to have these.

"I know I didn't make much of an impression on you

"when I said how sensational you were the other night,

"and how you should keep on singing the same way forever.

"I'm no expert when it comes to music,

"but I'm a photographer,

"and I know that pictures don't lie.

"I'm really very sorry for all the trouble I've caused.

"Sincerely, Cummings.

"P.S. I know you don't want to see me right now,

"but take my address. Humor me.

Consider it the last request of a condemned man."

Hello?

Yeah, sure. I can give you a phone job.

Can you hold on?

Laura! Oh!

It's just me.

What is it, Jake?

I don't give second chances if that's why you're here.

Oh! No, no, no, no.

It's just that...

I've been thinking things over, and...

and, uh, I have to admit,

I made a big mistake when I fired you.

Matter of fact, right when I fired you,

I was saying to myself, "What are you doing?

She's a terrific singer. A real talent."

That's what I said, Laura. Honest to God.

Don't get God pissed at you too.

Okay. Can I level with you?

No. Continue lying.

Okay, okay.

Uh, the pictures on the back of the cabs.

Not my idea. Oh, I know.

I read the story here.

What story?

The story here.

There's a whole big thing in the paper,

with your picture and everything.

You see, uh, you and that kid are

a goddamn syndicated human-interest story.

See? And it says down there

that you sing in my club.

Shoddy reporting.

A whole lot of people have been calling up

for reservations just to hear you sing.

And you know how I hate to disappoint

the paying public. Yeah, I do.

Uh, I'm desperate, Laura. I've got a houseful of people.

Come on. I happen to know

there's an A and R guy from Atlantic Records

flying in from L.A. just to hear you, but...

Jake, what do you want me to do?

Get up there and sing a cappella?

I lost the band, remember? No, no.

The group that replaced you will play backup.

Yes, yes. Laura?

All right, I'm an asshole, okay.

Don't you be one too.

I mean, this could be a shot for you, a real shot.

I couldn't get away from her.

I thought of throwing myself under the next taxi

as sort of a poetic gesture,

but I opted for a slightly less poetic

and definitely less permanent gesture.

Did you get it? Yeah.

You know, you're gonna catch pneumonia like that.

Yeah, I hope so.

Put this on.

Give me the bottle. No. Put it on.

I won't give you the booze until you do.

Okay, I'll put it on.

Okay?

Do you mind if I take a small sip to take off the chill?

Actually, I'd really rather you didn't.

After I gave you a raincoat?

Okay, take a sip.

That's enough. It's not that cold.

Ahh. There. I put some back.

Uh-huh.

Just keep it. Old age and treachery

will beat youth and enthusiasm every time.

A word from the wise.

Excuse me, I'd like, uh-

You'd like what?

Um, I, um...

I'd like to have... have sex with you,

but I'd like to be sure

that you had some horrendous disease,

um, preferably one that could turn out to be fatal,

but not terribly painful.

How'd you like me to run a razor over your jugular vein?

How much would that be?

Oh, for crying out loud!

We've been standing out here an hour and a half!

Uh, Mia. Send a bottle

of our best champagne over to table number three.

Okay.

Yeah, uh, the best domestic champagne.

Uh...

He's drinking beer.

Let's just say it's on the house.

You've got class, Jake. Sure, I was born with it.

Waitress! Can we order?

Ladies and gentlemen...

Laura Victor.

What the hell is this all of a sudden?

Real good.

Thank you.

Thank you.

If anyone of that description comes in there,

will you call me immediately?

Do you swear?

You're a Catholic Hospital,

so you'd better not be bullshitting me.

Thank you.

You gonna tell me where that came from, huh?

I don't know. It just sort of slipped out.

Singing up a storm. Girl, you were sensational.

Jake, I'm really glad you're happy.

Yeah. Now there's somebody I want you to meet.

No, I gotta go.

Go? What, go? You got another set to do.

I'll be back in a few minutes. Laura, you can't do this.

Laura, you're not big yet.

Hi. Is Cummings here?

Charles? No. No?

Actually, I was kind of hoping he was doing something with you.

No, he hasn't been with me. Who is it, Leonard?

A friend of Charles. You have no idea where he is?

No. Oh, my God.

Isn't it enough that you advertise on taxis.

You go door to door too.

No, I'm just trying to find, uh, Charles.

How do you know my son?

Well, it's a long and involved story.

Will you just have him call me?

Yeah. He has your number?

Yeah. Oh!

I ripped out my phone.

Um, can I leave him a note?

Yeah, go ahead. Uh, I need paper.

I have paper.

What's going on? She ripped out her phone.

Well, I was getting obscene phone calls.

Oh, dear. What a shame.

Uh, would you mind?

You know, if you have a phone with a four-prong jack,

you could probably plug it right back in.

From Charles?

You were receiving obscene phone calls from Charles?

Mom, shh. She's trying to write a note.

Well, I don't wonder

that she receives obscene phone calls,

running around dressed like that, but I mean,

Charles would never talk dirty to anyone.

Of course not.

Could you please make sure that he gets this?

Yes. And it's, uh, confidential.

Don't worry. Okay.

Um, you know, I'm sure that Cummings-

Charles- he's gonna be back real soon.

Please make sure that he gets that.

We will. Thanks.

Good night.

Yeah. Bye.

She took my pen.

Jeez, I hope nothing happened to the little creep.

Did you bring the note?

I hid it. Where?

Oh, I'm not telling.

Leonard. No.

Just look for Charles.

You're no fun.

Hey, wait a minute. I think I see something.

Go back.

Oh, God, I think it's him.

Yeah, I think you're right.

Charles...

Charles. Charles.

This boy is blotto.

He looks strange, Leonard. He always looks strange.

Come on, Charles. Come on.

Get up.

What have you been drinking, huh, Charles?

Shame on you.

Don't laugh, Leonard. It's not funny.

Okay, up. Up...

Take him home in the jeep. I've got the scooter.

No, don't, Leonard. Leave it.

Aw, you're not a wife yet.

Go. All right. Just be careful.

Always am.

Leonard!

Susan, as you put this ring on Leonard's finger,

repeat after me.

I take you, Leonard, to be my lawfully wedded husband.

I take you, Leonard,

to be my lawfully wedded husband.

To have and to hold... To have and to hold.

He really did it. And I was glad.

I mean, Susan is a wonderful person.

Leonard is a wonderful person.

I am a miserable person.

I think this is referred to as wallowing in self-pity.

I'd forget about Laura, probably just after my death,

but I could never forget the fool I made of myself.

And not only was I a fool. I was penniless fool...

which is worse than being the guy

who collects shopping carts at the supermarket.

Can we have the ring, please?

The ring, please.

Charles, give him the ring. The ring?

The ring. It's in your pocket.

Oh, uh...

Uh...

Leonard,

as you give this ring to Susan, repeat after me.

I take you, Susan, to be my lawfully wedded wife.

I take you, Susan, to be my lawfully wedded wife.

To love and share my life from this day forward.

I now pronounce you man and wife.

Whoo-hoo! She loves me!

This is so great!

I love you, Mom.

I love you too.

Love you too, Uncle Ken.

Where are you going?

Hi. I just got your note...

Boy, am I glad to see you.

Oh, my God! Ha. Where've you been?

I mean, I didn't know what happened to you.

I phoned your apartment. I went by your apartment.

And I was for sure...

I didn't think I was ever going to see you again.

I didn't think you'd ever wanna see me again.

You look great.

Thanks. Um, these are for you.

They're beautiful. Thanks.

I have something for you. Oh.

I got a contract.

I'm gonna cut a demo on Atlantic Records.

No! Yes.

This is wonderful!

Five-hundred dollars.

But, but I thought you were broke.

It's an advance. And if it hadn't been for you,

I mean, I wouldn't even have had the chance,

and God knows I didn't deserve it.

Oh, come on. You're terrific. No, I'm not.

You're terrific.

There's something that I need to say.

What?

Well...

When I grow up, I want to be like you.

I don't know what I'm gonna do without you.

I'm not going anywhere.

I'm going to L.A. tomorrow.

L.A.? Well, the A and R guy said

that if I'm serious about my music,

then that's where I should be.

Well, what about us?

That won't change.

We're friends, and we'll always be friends.

And it doesn't matter where I am or where you are.

Cummings, you're my best friend.

Well, that's great.

That's, that's just... that's just great.

Huh, that's, that's wonderful, yeah.

Uh... hah.

I guess things are turning out

exactly the way I planned. Huh.

Great.

Cummings, don't do that.

I'm just having one for the road.

You're gonna get sick.

I am sick.

Um, did you know that because of you,

I almost caught a disease

that I don't even think they have a name for yet?

Uh, not to mention wandering around

in the middle of the night, in the rain, in a garbage bag.

You know what you hear about leak-proof garbage bags?

Well, it's all lies. They leak plenty.

But I won't bore you with that. I should have known better

than to get involved with human beings.

Ansel Adams was right.

Rocks and trees.

Give me a telephone pole any time.

Things don't play with your emotions.

Machines and buildings, and cracks in the sidewalk,

they don't lead you on.

How do I get out of here?

I must have missed something. No!

I must have missed something.

Wait, um, here-

"Cummings... please forgive me for being such an ass.

"Wonderful things are happening because of you.

"I can't wait to see you. I love you."

Laura, you wrote that, didn't you?

Yes, I did. You said you loved me.

I do love you.

Then how can you leave?

Because I'm, uh...

Cummings, isn't this-

I thought this was what you wanted.

Oh, yeah, it's exactly what I wanted-

to spend my life savings on a woman

and have her run off to Tinseltown to become a star.

Oh, forget it.

And you can take your scarf back.

And it may interest you to know

that I got a D-minus in French.

I hope you're satisfied.

I am beginning to get a very clear vision

of how things are.

I have just been fooling myself.

Shit! Ow!

Oh, finally, something around here works.

Oh, terrific. You're gonna start that business.

Come on. Okay, that's enough.

Will you stop crying?

Will you please stop crying?

What... Why are you crying?

Look, I...

Look, I know you... you gotta go.

And I want you to go, you know.

Well, I don't want you to go, but I want you to go.

You know what I mean.

Yeah.

I guess I'd better go and let you pack.

But, uh, before I go, could...

Um, could I kiss you goodbye?

Mm.

Um, I never kissed anybody like that before.

I was pretty good, wasn't I?

Not bad.

Hello?

Uncle Ken, can I speak to my Mom?

Yeah, uh, hold on.

It's Charles.

Charles?

I'm just calling to tell you

I won't be home tonight.

You're not coming home tonight?

Just wish him a good night, Joan.

Charles, have a good night.

Way to go, Charles.

You know, I'm pretty sure all my life

I always dreamed in black and white.

Last night, I dreamed in color.

I think it's a compliment.

We timed it perfectly.

Yeah. I hate long goodbyes.

At least, I think I'd hate 'em.

I've never really had one before.

Cummings... No, I-

I shouldn't be feeling like this.

I should be happy for you.

But I'm a little too depressed to be happy for you.

Final boarding

for United Flight 91 to Los Angeles.

Don't forget me, okay?

Hey, are you kidding?

When I'm 90, I'll lie in bed and just think about you.

I love you.

I wasn't going to say that, you know?

I wasn't gonna get corny.

Hey, any girl loves to hear it.

I hope you say it a lot in your lifetime.

I know you're gonna hear it a lot.

I've gotta go.

Well, thank... Thank you.

I could smell her perfume and her body on my clothes,

and I felt sadder than I'd ever felt in my life.

I knew she'd have other men in her life, but I didn't care.

I didn't care if she was 90 and toothless.

I would still love her.

I wanted to fix every detail of last night

and today in my mind

to make the memory a photograph.

I would never love anybody but Laura. Never.

I would never make love to anyone again.

That's... almost... definite.