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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,607 --> 00:00:05,075 # They say I might as well face the truth 2 00:00:06,087 --> 00:00:08,806 # That I am just too long in the tooth 3 00:00:09,407 --> 00:00:12,365 # So I'm an OAP and weak-kneed 4 00:00:12,967 --> 00:00:15,845 # But I have not yet quite gone to seed 5 00:00:16,447 --> 00:00:20,235 # I may be over the hill now that I have retired 6 00:00:20,567 --> 00:00:23,718 # Fading away but I've not yet expired 7 00:00:24,047 --> 00:00:27,323 # Clapped out, run down, too old to save 8 00:00:27,967 --> 00:00:30,435 # One foot in the grave # 9 00:01:34,767 --> 00:01:36,120 (TELEPHONE RINGING) 10 00:01:37,367 --> 00:01:41,519 (ANSWERING MACHINE) Hello? Margaret? This is your mum speaking. 11 00:01:41,807 --> 00:01:46,437 I'm sorry that I'm not here now, but that's because I'm somewhere else. 12 00:01:47,207 --> 00:01:50,005 I say, I'm somewhere else! 13 00:01:51,407 --> 00:01:55,958 But I expect you'll both be up here soon, won't you, the pair of you? 14 00:01:56,567 --> 00:01:58,080 So I'll see you then. 15 00:01:58,847 --> 00:01:59,836 Hello? 16 00:01:59,927 --> 00:02:01,599 (BEEPING) 17 00:02:02,807 --> 00:02:06,356 Hello, Mum It's Wednesday, about 6:00 18 00:02:06,767 --> 00:02:11,158 I'm just ringing to say that all being well, we'll be up there Sunday afternoon about 3:00, 19 00:02:11,247 --> 00:02:13,477 but I'll speak to you soon Bye-bye 20 00:02:28,527 --> 00:02:30,961 Any luck? How did it go? 21 00:02:31,207 --> 00:02:33,482 Yes, very well, surprisingly 22 00:02:34,047 --> 00:02:37,676 I see the Wild Man of Borneo's had another good day in the garden 23 00:02:39,127 --> 00:02:41,402 Quicker using a trained lugworm at this rate 24 00:02:41,487 --> 00:02:45,639 Well, who got him in? Not me There was no necessity for it in the first place 25 00:02:45,727 --> 00:02:49,163 There's every necessity with their bloody tree next door sucking all the moisture 26 00:02:49,247 --> 00:02:52,478 out of our garden like an elephant's trunk 27 00:02:52,567 --> 00:02:54,922 Get his roots chopped off on our side, 28 00:02:55,007 --> 00:02:57,840 we might be able to grow something out there again 29 00:02:59,727 --> 00:03:02,400 He's charged me for one guppy too many here 30 00:03:03,927 --> 00:03:05,963 Oh, no, I tell a lie He hasn't 31 00:03:06,047 --> 00:03:08,277 So how did you get on at The Herald offices? 32 00:03:08,367 --> 00:03:10,517 Did you get that job on the packing-bench or what? 33 00:03:10,607 --> 00:03:13,280 They're going to ring me up and let me know tomorrow 34 00:03:13,367 --> 00:03:16,120 They say I have to be sure to be in between 9:00 and 1 :00 35 00:03:16,207 --> 00:03:18,801 Oh, well, that sounds hopeful, doesn't it? 36 00:03:22,807 --> 00:03:27,005 I hope you're going to have the decency to take the dead ones out first this time 37 00:03:27,247 --> 00:03:30,762 Yes, I am Where's the tea strainer? 38 00:03:46,767 --> 00:03:48,564 Good grief 39 00:03:49,327 --> 00:03:53,639 That's 1 2 7 of those things you've managed to kill off now 40 00:03:54,727 --> 00:03:57,958 Never known anything like it since biblical times 41 00:03:58,327 --> 00:04:02,115 You flattened 1 2 in one go when you dropped that rock in the tank 42 00:04:02,607 --> 00:04:06,919 It's just teething troubles, that's all I think I know what I'm doing wrong now 43 00:04:07,447 --> 00:04:11,804 Fish have a better life expectancy in the Co-op freezer than they do in that thing 44 00:04:12,807 --> 00:04:16,925 Oh, and can we please not flush them down the toilet this time? 45 00:04:17,007 --> 00:04:19,805 'Cause half the bloody things come floating back up again 46 00:04:20,447 --> 00:04:21,596 Yes 47 00:04:40,047 --> 00:04:42,163 Anyway, everything's under control now 48 00:04:42,247 --> 00:04:46,479 I've just got a few more adjustments to make to this airflow and they'll be fine 49 00:04:46,647 --> 00:04:49,480 By the way, I phoned Mum this afternoon 50 00:04:49,807 --> 00:04:52,560 She's beginning to get the hang of that answering machine more now 51 00:04:52,647 --> 00:04:55,002 I don't really know why you got one for her in the first place 52 00:04:55,087 --> 00:04:56,839 You know she never goes far 53 00:04:56,927 --> 00:05:01,523 She might go a bit further if she stopped growing runner beans up her Zimmer frame 54 00:05:02,087 --> 00:05:05,079 I said we would pop up there Sunday afternoon 55 00:05:05,927 --> 00:05:07,883 Battier by the minute 56 00:05:07,967 --> 00:05:12,483 Went over there the other week, she was slicing wax fruit on to her All-Bran 57 00:05:12,607 --> 00:05:14,245 Says it keeps her regular 58 00:05:14,327 --> 00:05:17,683 Keeps her regular? So does a stick of dynamite up your Shh 59 00:05:19,287 --> 00:05:22,359 I can hear them talking next door Where's that glass? 60 00:05:22,487 --> 00:05:25,684 God spare us Here we go again 61 00:05:26,287 --> 00:05:30,997 They're talking about us I just caught the words ''arsehole think he's playing at'' 62 00:05:34,127 --> 00:05:36,846 It's gone quiet I wonder what's happening? 63 00:05:41,047 --> 00:05:42,844 Loopy as the day is long 64 00:05:44,047 --> 00:05:47,164 That's five lots of them he's brought home in the last week 65 00:05:47,247 --> 00:05:50,364 Wouldn't be surprised if he's eating them on Ritz crackers 66 00:05:50,447 --> 00:05:54,156 Am I going to get my spaghetti jar back again tonight or what? 67 00:05:56,087 --> 00:05:58,965 Well, what with that and our friend homo erectus out the back, 68 00:05:59,047 --> 00:06:01,163 you never know what you're going to see there next 69 00:06:01,247 --> 00:06:03,522 -Homo erectus? -Hmm 70 00:06:03,607 --> 00:06:06,963 I imagine he must live in a cave quite nearby somewhere 71 00:06:07,047 --> 00:06:12,041 Comes out for a few hours each day to lumber round Meldrew's garden with a shovel in his fist 72 00:06:13,567 --> 00:06:15,080 I'm not quite sure why 73 00:06:15,167 --> 00:06:18,045 If you're talking about that workman next door, 74 00:06:18,127 --> 00:06:20,118 I think he looks cute 75 00:06:21,327 --> 00:06:22,840 Cute? 76 00:06:22,927 --> 00:06:26,522 I've never seen so much hair growing down someone's back in all my life 77 00:06:26,607 --> 00:06:29,440 He could blow-dry his bottom every morning at that rate 78 00:06:30,847 --> 00:06:34,681 I tell you, if he damages that cherry tree, there'll be all hell to pay 79 00:06:35,127 --> 00:06:37,766 Here you go Come on 80 00:06:40,287 --> 00:06:42,403 I wonder why he only eats cat food? 81 00:06:43,327 --> 00:06:46,683 Don't look at me He's your baby substitute 82 00:06:47,087 --> 00:06:49,681 What's that supposed to mean? I got him for you 83 00:06:49,767 --> 00:06:53,043 Yes Of course you did 84 00:06:57,807 --> 00:07:00,685 (ON TV) Wonder what the weather's gonna be like. Tania? 85 00:07:01,567 --> 00:07:05,765 ...sunny elsewhere but hopefully there should be some bright spells tonight. 86 00:07:07,087 --> 00:07:09,965 Yo! How's it hanging, Mr Meldrew, okay? 87 00:07:10,047 --> 00:07:13,403 Sorry I didn't get very far yesterday I had a slight problem with the dehydration 88 00:07:13,487 --> 00:07:16,320 Had to let it breathe overnight, get some precipitation in your sub-soil 89 00:07:16,407 --> 00:07:17,999 And how is it this morning? 90 00:07:18,087 --> 00:07:20,806 Marvellous this morning Here, look 91 00:07:20,887 --> 00:07:23,720 Yielding straight away, that is See for yourself 92 00:07:30,407 --> 00:07:31,601 Yeah 93 00:07:32,167 --> 00:07:33,998 Does feel a bit more supple than usual 94 00:07:34,087 --> 00:07:36,078 You see what I'm saying about your moisture content? 95 00:07:36,167 --> 00:07:37,316 -Yes -Yeah 96 00:07:42,967 --> 00:07:45,925 Try keeping it on the plastic sheeting if you can, Mr Meldrew 97 00:07:46,007 --> 00:07:47,520 Oh, right Yes, sorry 98 00:07:51,047 --> 00:07:52,526 (SNEEZES) 99 00:07:52,727 --> 00:07:54,399 All right, Love Queen 100 00:07:56,367 --> 00:07:58,119 Is it a wonderful, wicked morning or what? 101 00:07:58,207 --> 00:08:00,118 Hello How are you today? 102 00:08:00,207 --> 00:08:04,917 As ever, darling, with a song in my heart and a tongue in my ear I couldn't be happier 103 00:08:07,167 --> 00:08:11,206 Bet that's hard work, digging down all that way with just a shovel 104 00:08:11,287 --> 00:08:15,917 I tried it once with a pneumatic drill, but it kept giving me orgasms Had to stop 105 00:08:18,207 --> 00:08:19,276 What? 106 00:08:20,287 --> 00:08:21,879 What the bloody hell am I doing? 107 00:08:21,967 --> 00:08:25,721 I'm supposed to be paying you to do this, for God's sake! 108 00:08:25,807 --> 00:08:29,004 So just bloody well get back in there and get on with it 109 00:08:29,407 --> 00:08:32,763 Absolutely, Mr Meldrew, no problems Be right on it 110 00:08:44,607 --> 00:08:47,246 That's absolutely disgusting! 111 00:09:00,447 --> 00:09:03,120 MARGARET: And give my love to your mummy and thanks again 112 00:09:03,207 --> 00:09:06,995 Now, you be careful crossing the road, both of you, won't you? Bye-bye 113 00:09:07,127 --> 00:09:08,526 (DOOR CLOSING) 114 00:09:09,287 --> 00:09:11,039 Who was that? I thought you'd gone 115 00:09:11,127 --> 00:09:13,880 Well, I was just getting into the car when Mrs Aylesbury's children 116 00:09:13,967 --> 00:09:15,878 came running across with this 117 00:09:15,967 --> 00:09:20,040 Said they'd brought it back to us from Westward Ho! as a present Bless them 118 00:09:21,967 --> 00:09:25,755 Oh, yes, the very thing I was about to add to my Christmas present list, 119 00:09:26,487 --> 00:09:28,478 a sack full of seaweed 120 00:09:29,407 --> 00:09:32,797 It's to add to your new fish tank Wasn't that thoughtful? 121 00:09:32,887 --> 00:09:37,244 Yes, very thoughtful, loading half the North Atlantic into a rubbish bag 122 00:09:38,007 --> 00:09:40,601 There's barnacles and God knows whatnot in here 123 00:09:40,687 --> 00:09:44,646 Oh, and hang on I think I can just see Hans and Lotte Hass down the bottom as well 124 00:09:45,887 --> 00:09:48,845 I've got to go What time did they say they'd ring about that job? 125 00:09:48,927 --> 00:09:51,236 Before 1 :00, but that will only be if I've got it 126 00:09:51,327 --> 00:09:54,364 Oh, well, I'll keep my fingers crossed and I may ring you later Bye-bye 127 00:09:54,447 --> 00:09:55,721 Bye 128 00:10:01,087 --> 00:10:02,805 (CHAINSAW BUZZING) 129 00:10:02,887 --> 00:10:04,684 (GIRLS GIGGLING) 130 00:10:23,487 --> 00:10:24,886 Yo, Mr Meldrew 131 00:10:32,047 --> 00:10:33,196 GIRL: Oh, my God! 132 00:10:33,287 --> 00:10:35,005 (LAUGHING) 133 00:10:45,687 --> 00:10:47,757 Quarter to bloody 1 :00 134 00:10:49,007 --> 00:10:51,202 Ring for God's sake, can't you? 135 00:10:56,247 --> 00:10:58,317 Well, that's that, then 136 00:10:58,727 --> 00:11:00,797 Another one down the Swannee 137 00:11:02,007 --> 00:11:06,046 Must have needed my head examined to think they'd ring in the first place 138 00:11:17,367 --> 00:11:19,198 What did I come up here for? 139 00:11:31,647 --> 00:11:33,558 (TELEPHONE RINGING) 140 00:11:36,407 --> 00:11:38,602 Oh, I don't believe it 141 00:11:42,647 --> 00:11:44,365 Come on Come on Come on! 142 00:11:46,767 --> 00:11:49,520 I had to drink three bloody cups of coffee 143 00:11:50,327 --> 00:11:52,602 Why didn't I bring up an elastic band? 144 00:11:53,287 --> 00:11:54,959 Come on, you bloody 145 00:11:55,047 --> 00:11:57,686 Yes! Hang on! Just one more second! 146 00:12:04,527 --> 00:12:05,880 4291 147 00:12:07,527 --> 00:12:08,960 What? 148 00:12:10,687 --> 00:12:12,439 No, they haven't 149 00:12:13,167 --> 00:12:15,044 No, not yet 150 00:12:16,287 --> 00:12:17,402 Yeah 151 00:12:18,127 --> 00:12:19,321 Yeah Yeah Yeah 152 00:12:19,407 --> 00:12:22,240 Would you please get off the phone in case they do? 153 00:12:22,327 --> 00:12:25,797 Yes, I'll talk to you later Yes, right, bye 154 00:12:40,527 --> 00:12:41,880 Here, boy 155 00:12:42,487 --> 00:12:44,239 Come on Here, boy 156 00:12:47,767 --> 00:12:49,041 Denzil? 157 00:12:49,127 --> 00:12:50,162 (WHISTLING) 158 00:12:50,247 --> 00:12:51,600 Here, boy 159 00:12:54,367 --> 00:12:56,119 (CHAINSAW BUZZING) 160 00:13:19,807 --> 00:13:21,206 Is he out there? 161 00:13:21,287 --> 00:13:23,562 I can't see him, no 162 00:13:23,647 --> 00:13:25,046 Stop worrying 163 00:13:25,127 --> 00:13:29,040 If he was going to run away from home, I'm sure he'd have left you a note 164 00:13:30,887 --> 00:13:34,197 Perhaps I'll just take one more look in the airing cupboard 165 00:13:43,327 --> 00:13:44,885 Look at that 166 00:13:44,967 --> 00:13:48,277 Why is it every time you spend half an hour trying to pick them apart, 167 00:13:48,367 --> 00:13:51,120 there's always a bloody two-page advert for Peugeot? 168 00:13:52,847 --> 00:13:56,044 I completely wasted four seconds of my life doing that 169 00:13:59,367 --> 00:14:01,119 (TELEPHONE RINGING) 170 00:14:02,487 --> 00:14:04,000 4291 171 00:14:05,807 --> 00:14:08,480 Where the bloody hell did you come from? 172 00:14:10,047 --> 00:14:11,526 Bugger off 173 00:14:12,527 --> 00:14:13,755 4291 174 00:14:16,087 --> 00:14:17,315 Really? 175 00:14:18,287 --> 00:14:20,084 Well, yes, of course 176 00:14:20,167 --> 00:14:21,839 Yes, thank you very much 177 00:14:22,487 --> 00:14:25,445 3:00 Yeah Yes 178 00:14:25,927 --> 00:14:27,918 Yes, thank you very much indeed 179 00:14:32,287 --> 00:14:34,676 Well, who would have thought it? 180 00:14:37,927 --> 00:14:40,441 Get your bloody nose out of that bread bin! 181 00:14:46,007 --> 00:14:48,760 Where's he got to this morning? 182 00:15:14,087 --> 00:15:18,239 I've done some fried mushrooms with this as well Is that okay? 183 00:15:18,407 --> 00:15:21,285 That's fabby-fab, Mrs Meldrew The more the merrier 184 00:15:24,567 --> 00:15:28,196 By the way, I hope you didn't mind me opening up a tin of talcum powder while I was up there, 185 00:15:28,287 --> 00:15:30,596 only I'm allergic to the Sainsbury's 186 00:15:30,687 --> 00:15:32,439 See how rough my skin gets? 187 00:15:33,367 --> 00:15:35,278 -Up there -Oh, yes 188 00:15:35,367 --> 00:15:38,803 -Yes, shocking Yeah -Yes, that's a bit on the flaky side, eh? 189 00:15:38,887 --> 00:15:40,400 Excuse me! 190 00:15:40,487 --> 00:15:43,445 Oh, morning, Mr Meldrew How's it hanging? 191 00:15:43,527 --> 00:15:45,324 Terrific morning, isn't it? 192 00:15:46,327 --> 00:15:49,444 Never mind how it's hanging What the hell's all this about? 193 00:15:49,527 --> 00:15:52,917 We opened a seaside guest house here, have we now? 194 00:15:53,007 --> 00:15:56,204 Mr Kazanzi's water was cut off this morning 195 00:15:56,287 --> 00:15:58,960 Well, I don't imagine you'd want to start the morning 196 00:15:59,047 --> 00:16:01,402 without having a bath or something to eat 197 00:16:01,487 --> 00:16:03,557 I'll go and put some toast on for you How would you like it? 198 00:16:03,647 --> 00:16:06,366 Like my women, golden, hot and covered in marmalade 199 00:16:06,447 --> 00:16:07,800 Oh! 200 00:16:12,847 --> 00:16:16,362 I thought you said this was going to be one day's work out there 201 00:16:16,447 --> 00:16:19,166 No probbies, Mr Meldrew Be done by lunch time, maximum 202 00:16:19,247 --> 00:16:20,566 Thanks 203 00:16:22,207 --> 00:16:23,845 -Coffee? -Lovely, thanks 204 00:16:26,967 --> 00:16:28,446 What's that? 205 00:16:28,527 --> 00:16:30,199 (MARGARET GIGGLING) 206 00:16:32,127 --> 00:16:34,516 What the hell's this in aid of? 207 00:16:41,247 --> 00:16:45,798 ''Sealed with a loving kiss from Tina, Marilyn and Trish 208 00:16:45,887 --> 00:16:49,163 ''You can come round and get dirty in our garden any time'' 209 00:16:49,247 --> 00:16:51,044 You can come round and get dirty 210 00:16:51,127 --> 00:16:54,597 Oh, I don't know School girls, what would you do with them? 211 00:16:54,687 --> 00:16:57,247 It must be wonderful to be so popular 212 00:16:57,327 --> 00:17:01,240 I know, I'll send them a 1 2-inch ruler as a measure of my affections 213 00:17:03,687 --> 00:17:05,598 Yes! Well, thank you very much indeed! 214 00:17:05,687 --> 00:17:09,316 When I want to have breakfast with Hale and Pace, I'll let you know 215 00:17:09,847 --> 00:17:13,317 You still here? I thought you had to go to the bank this morning 216 00:17:13,407 --> 00:17:16,797 And don't forget you start work at 3:00 this afternoon 217 00:17:16,887 --> 00:17:20,641 Right Well, I'll just leave you both to it, then 218 00:17:21,567 --> 00:17:24,127 Bye-bye, Mr Meldrew Be groovy! 219 00:17:27,567 --> 00:17:29,205 I wonder how they knew my size 220 00:17:29,287 --> 00:17:30,686 Oh, cut it out 221 00:17:30,767 --> 00:17:32,405 (MARGARET GIGGLING) 222 00:17:40,207 --> 00:17:42,084 (CHAINSAW BUZZING) 223 00:18:48,687 --> 00:18:50,325 Unbelievable 224 00:18:50,407 --> 00:18:53,763 Two bloody hours just to see a sodding bank manager 225 00:18:55,327 --> 00:18:57,238 Why does everything have to end up in such a rush? 226 00:18:57,327 --> 00:18:59,636 KAZANZI: Off! Off! God's sake! 227 00:18:59,727 --> 00:19:01,206 (CHUCKLING) 228 00:19:02,687 --> 00:19:04,598 For God's sake, what did you do, spray these on this morning? 229 00:19:04,687 --> 00:19:06,757 -Stop moaning and just pull -I am pulling 230 00:19:06,847 --> 00:19:09,236 What the bloody hell's going on in here? 231 00:19:10,127 --> 00:19:12,516 Hello, Mr Meldrew I thought you was going to be out all day 232 00:19:12,607 --> 00:19:14,325 So it would bloody well appear 233 00:19:14,407 --> 00:19:18,480 I mean, what is this, a hostel for sex maniacs? I mean, why didn't you tell me? 234 00:19:18,567 --> 00:19:22,037 I'd have had a contraceptive machine put in the downstairs toilet for you 235 00:19:22,127 --> 00:19:25,244 -Hey, look, calm down -Come on, you little tart, out with you 236 00:19:25,327 --> 00:19:28,160 -Where did he pick you up, dial-a-nympho? -You're hurting my arm 237 00:19:28,247 --> 00:19:31,080 Oi, oi, oi! Come here! She's not a little tart 238 00:19:31,167 --> 00:19:33,476 -Dad -MELDREW: Ow! Ow! 239 00:19:33,567 --> 00:19:35,398 You wanna get heavy with the young lady here, do you? 240 00:19:35,487 --> 00:19:37,842 Dad! Dad, look I'm okay It's nothing 241 00:19:37,927 --> 00:19:41,920 Don't lose your temper with him, please You'll only regret it later like you always do 242 00:19:42,007 --> 00:19:45,124 I'm not gonna regret nothing, Susan Here, open the back door 243 00:19:45,207 --> 00:19:47,482 Open the back door now! 244 00:19:47,567 --> 00:19:49,558 Right, you, outside 245 00:19:58,367 --> 00:20:01,040 ''Dear Mrs Meldrew, have filled in the hole now 246 00:20:01,127 --> 00:20:04,358 ''Hope it is to your satisfaction It certainly is to mine'' 247 00:20:15,487 --> 00:20:16,761 Margaret? 248 00:20:18,927 --> 00:20:20,076 Victor? 249 00:20:20,447 --> 00:20:22,085 Well, what are you doing? 250 00:20:22,967 --> 00:20:24,685 What am I doing? 251 00:20:24,767 --> 00:20:26,644 I'm wallpapering the spare bedroom 252 00:20:26,727 --> 00:20:29,195 What the bloody hell does it look as if I'm doing? 253 00:20:29,287 --> 00:20:30,959 Not very much 254 00:20:31,087 --> 00:20:33,885 Oh, for What on earth happened? 255 00:20:34,007 --> 00:20:36,123 It wasn't my fault 256 00:20:36,767 --> 00:20:40,157 I came home to find him groping some half-naked female on the floor 257 00:20:40,247 --> 00:20:42,203 What was I supposed to think? 258 00:20:42,567 --> 00:20:44,876 Half-naked You don't mean his daughter? 259 00:20:44,967 --> 00:20:47,117 She dropped by to give him a hand just after you'd left 260 00:20:47,207 --> 00:20:50,643 I said they could both use the bathroom to clean up when they'd finished 261 00:20:50,727 --> 00:20:53,400 Oh, Victor 262 00:20:53,927 --> 00:20:55,076 God 263 00:20:55,167 --> 00:20:57,761 What have you done this time? 264 00:20:57,887 --> 00:20:59,718 -Blow my nose! -What? 265 00:20:59,807 --> 00:21:03,880 Stop standing there wittering and blow my nose I think I'm going to sneeze 266 00:21:13,007 --> 00:21:14,156 Oh 267 00:21:15,967 --> 00:21:18,879 God, what are we going to do? 268 00:21:19,327 --> 00:21:21,158 What do you suggest we do? 269 00:21:21,247 --> 00:21:25,320 Spread some fertiliser round my neck and wait till I come up in the spring? 270 00:21:25,407 --> 00:21:27,841 I'm not going to stay like this forever, am I? 271 00:21:27,927 --> 00:21:31,556 I feel like a bloody ball on the penalty spot 272 00:21:31,887 --> 00:21:35,800 He's packed it rock hard all around me You'll just have to start digging 273 00:21:35,887 --> 00:21:37,081 (PEOPLE TALKING) 274 00:21:37,167 --> 00:21:38,566 Who's that? 275 00:21:38,647 --> 00:21:41,684 Oh, it's Patrick and Pippa I'll get them to give me a hand 276 00:21:41,767 --> 00:21:43,564 Don't you bloody dare 277 00:21:43,647 --> 00:21:47,606 Let him see me like this? I'll never live it down 278 00:21:48,607 --> 00:21:50,086 You don't know it was him 279 00:21:54,927 --> 00:21:56,963 PATRICK: Mrs Meldrew, the very person 280 00:21:57,047 --> 00:21:59,436 -Patrick -Oh, hello 281 00:21:59,727 --> 00:22:02,958 You both, erbeen out somewhere? 282 00:22:03,567 --> 00:22:05,603 Yes, just up to the hospital 283 00:22:05,687 --> 00:22:09,839 You know, to have a hermit crab surgically removed from my testicles 284 00:22:10,527 --> 00:22:13,041 -I beg your pardon -Well, I say hermit crab, 285 00:22:13,127 --> 00:22:15,880 it wasn't demonstrating much in the way of hermitude 286 00:22:15,967 --> 00:22:18,879 when it popped into my shorts earlier on for lunch 287 00:22:19,287 --> 00:22:22,245 and fastened itself to my scrotum like a bulldog clip 288 00:22:24,127 --> 00:22:25,879 How did this happen? 289 00:22:25,967 --> 00:22:29,118 Well, I've only got myself to blame on that one, I'm afraid 290 00:22:29,247 --> 00:22:32,444 It's the old, old story I remembered to apply the sunscreen, 291 00:22:32,527 --> 00:22:36,315 but completely forgot to smear my groin with crab repellent 292 00:22:36,767 --> 00:22:39,122 and, inevitably, I paid the price 293 00:22:41,247 --> 00:22:42,885 Your eyes look very red 294 00:22:43,647 --> 00:22:46,878 -Yes, well they would do, wouldn't they? -Patrick, come on 295 00:22:47,247 --> 00:22:50,319 Makes you wonder where things like that come from, doesn't it? 296 00:22:50,407 --> 00:22:52,796 Doesn't it, Mrs Meldrew? Yes, doesn't it? 297 00:22:54,367 --> 00:22:57,564 Changing the subject altogether, how's Mr Meldrew 298 00:22:57,647 --> 00:23:00,957 getting on with his collection of exotic marine wildlife? 299 00:23:01,047 --> 00:23:04,437 No escaped specimens to report, anything like that? 300 00:23:05,007 --> 00:23:06,918 No No, I don't think so 301 00:23:07,007 --> 00:23:08,360 (TELEPHONE RINGING) 302 00:23:08,447 --> 00:23:11,166 Oh, I'm sorry, but I think that's my phone 303 00:23:11,247 --> 00:23:13,602 Would you excuse me, please, both of you? 304 00:23:13,727 --> 00:23:17,845 Yes, Margaret, see you later Come on, Patrick, indoors 305 00:23:18,167 --> 00:23:19,566 (VICTOR SNEEZING) 306 00:23:39,407 --> 00:23:40,556 Afternoon 307 00:23:44,887 --> 00:23:47,845 There was a bit of mix-up with the workman, actually 308 00:23:49,087 --> 00:23:50,315 Was there? 309 00:23:50,407 --> 00:23:51,681 Yeah, and 310 00:23:52,847 --> 00:23:55,680 One of those stupid things, you know 311 00:23:58,047 --> 00:24:02,120 Yes Yes, I do indeed, Mr Meldrew 312 00:24:11,887 --> 00:24:15,846 Oh, God! 313 00:24:19,087 --> 00:24:21,078 Fan-bloody marvellous! 314 00:24:21,967 --> 00:24:24,037 What am I going to tell them at The Herald? 315 00:24:24,127 --> 00:24:26,197 ''I'm sorry I never came into work but, unfortunately, 316 00:24:26,287 --> 00:24:29,359 ''I was buried up to my neck in a heap of rotting'' 317 00:24:31,767 --> 00:24:33,485 What is it now? 318 00:24:34,287 --> 00:24:35,481 Who was that? 319 00:24:35,567 --> 00:24:39,560 It was Mrs Reynolds, who lives next door to Mum 320 00:24:40,847 --> 00:24:44,237 She said she went round there this afternoon with her pension 321 00:24:44,847 --> 00:24:47,315 and found her dead in the armchair 322 00:24:49,887 --> 00:24:52,481 Said they reckoned 323 00:24:52,567 --> 00:24:55,479 she'd been like that for five days 324 00:24:56,727 --> 00:24:59,560 just sitting there 325 00:25:00,207 --> 00:25:02,562 with her knitting in her lap 326 00:25:05,207 --> 00:25:09,439 Telephone answering machine had been left on since Monday 327 00:25:12,727 --> 00:25:14,479 Oh, God 328 00:25:18,887 --> 00:25:19,956 Sorry 329 00:25:22,887 --> 00:25:23,956 Yes 330 00:25:25,447 --> 00:25:26,562 Well 331 00:25:28,767 --> 00:25:30,962 I'll get a shovel 332 00:25:42,207 --> 00:25:44,323 Still not sure about that 333 00:25:44,407 --> 00:25:47,604 It was all right at her place, but I'm not sure about ours 334 00:25:49,807 --> 00:25:51,798 Grandparents had one 335 00:25:51,887 --> 00:25:53,878 I always remember as a child being scared stiff 336 00:25:53,967 --> 00:25:57,039 that if the pendulum stopped, it meant I was gonna die 337 00:25:58,287 --> 00:26:02,803 Used just to sit and stare at it for hours in case it suddenly stopped swinging, 338 00:26:03,887 --> 00:26:06,276 like waiting for your heart to stop 339 00:26:06,367 --> 00:26:07,959 And did it? 340 00:26:08,047 --> 00:26:10,436 Nope, and I'm still here 341 00:26:10,967 --> 00:26:13,117 Oh, we might as well keep this 342 00:26:13,207 --> 00:26:16,085 You can always switch it on when you go to the loo 343 00:26:16,687 --> 00:26:20,760 (ANSWERING MACHINE) Hello? Margaret? This is your mum speaking. 344 00:26:21,167 --> 00:26:25,763 I'm sorry that I'm not here now, but that's because I'm somewhere else. 345 00:26:26,567 --> 00:26:29,206 I say, I'm somewhere else! 346 00:26:30,767 --> 00:26:35,124 But I expect you'll both be up here soon, won't you, the pair of you? 347 00:26:35,967 --> 00:26:37,525 So I'll see you then. 348 00:26:38,167 --> 00:26:39,236 Hello? 349 00:26:39,327 --> 00:26:41,477 (BEEPING) 350 00:26:43,807 --> 00:26:47,641 Well, that's cheered me up no end, I must say 351 00:26:48,607 --> 00:26:50,325 Are you all right? 352 00:26:50,407 --> 00:26:53,160 Yes, I'll just go through that tomorrow, I think 353 00:26:53,327 --> 00:26:55,204 Are you coming up? 354 00:26:56,127 --> 00:26:57,799 Yes, I might as well 355 00:27:35,607 --> 00:27:37,484 Not yet, you don't, matey! 356 00:27:41,407 --> 00:27:44,126 # They say I might as well face the truth 357 00:27:44,927 --> 00:27:47,680 # That I am just too long in the tooth 358 00:27:48,167 --> 00:27:51,318 # I've started to deteriorate 359 00:27:51,807 --> 00:27:54,765 #And now I've passed my own sell-by date 360 00:27:55,487 --> 00:27:58,206 # Oh, I am no spring chicken, it's true 361 00:27:58,767 --> 00:28:01,679 # I have to pop my teeth in to chew 362 00:28:02,287 --> 00:28:05,085 #And my old knees have started to knock 363 00:28:05,847 --> 00:28:08,600 # I've just got too many miles on the clock 364 00:28:09,367 --> 00:28:12,996 # So I'm a wrinkly, crinkly, set in my ways 365 00:28:13,207 --> 00:28:16,597 # It's true that my body has seen better days 366 00:28:16,807 --> 00:28:20,243 # But give me half a chance and I can still misbehave 367 00:28:20,647 --> 00:28:22,842 # One foot in the grave 368 00:28:24,047 --> 00:28:26,242 # One foot in the grave 369 00:28:27,527 --> 00:28:29,802 # One foot in the grave # 29478

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