All language subtitles for Beaster.Day.Here.Comes.Peter.Cottonhell.2014.1080p.WEBRip.x264-RARBG

[SILENCE]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[CROWD SOUNDS AND JAZZ MUSIC]

[CROWD APPLAUSE]

Hey, everybody. How are we
doing? Alright good? Hey one
more time for our Band.

Black Defendants.
Your going to love them.

Hey, tell you what, we are
going to take a few minutes away

from all this partying and
rocking

And we are going to give a
little bit of our time.

To our
friend here, Tom Klause

who is going to say a few
things about the bride and
groom.

He is the best man.
Give him your love.
Everybody, Mr. Tom Klause,

everybody, all right?

Tommy!
(applause)

Yeah, give it up for Andy,
my man Andy.
The band leader almost

keeping this whole thing in
check.

Hey, if I do the Hokey
Pokey

one more time, I'm going to
fucking blow my brains out.

Dad, get some better music.
Hey!

Great wedding though aside from
music, cake,
the bride, your suit...

I didn't think you had this
many friends.

I knew this day
would come.

I knew my dad would eventually
divorce my mom and
get remarried,

because he is a scumbag.

I, um, just saw mom last week,
She-- I saw her at the Days
Inn, She's doing just fine.

Hope you'd be happy about that.
She's still living in a hotel.

Probably turning tricks for
money.

You know, I just want to mention
you spent a lot of money on
this wedding, Dad,

and thanks for
exhausting your bank account.

And I will be forever in
student loan debt for the rest
of my life.

Cindy, you are like twenty
years younger than my dad.

I hope you like his old balls.

Before I leave, I have a quote
from something

from someone... that I looked up
on the internet. I just want
to say that love is

a mirage to happiness and
everyone here will die of
thirst

in the desert of hope.

[CROWD BOOING]

I should have worn a condom.
The little shit.

[SCARY MUSIC]

[CROWD APPLAUSE]

[ANIMAL GROWLING]

[LOUD APPLAUSE]

[LARGE GROWL AND RIPPING SOUND]

[SCREAMS]

[MORE APPLAUSE]

[GROWLING]

[GROWLING]

[PLAYFUL MUSIC]

Are you talking to me?

Are you talking to me?

I don't think you are talking
to me. Are you sure you are
talking to me?

You fucking talking to me?
Ha ha ha ha.

[SIZZLE SOUNDS]

Uh, uh, uh.

Just one?

Alice: No
Dad: Just one?

I need you healthy

I am healthy. You know that.
I am in great shape.

Your cholesterol.

Oh, my cholesterol "Melesterol".
Come on.

One slice of ba--

Alice: So you're a Doctor now?

One slice of bacon is not
going to make a difference.

You said you wanted me to make
this just so you could smell it.

Yes! and I smell it and it's
delicious and all I want is
just one...little taste

Just one little taste!

And you're smelling it.
It will "titilize" your senses.
It will be good.

Oh my senses are already being
"titilized". Come one just one
taste? Please.

[PHONE RINGING]

Hello?

Hey Alice.

Um, John it's your daughter.

Tell her I am broke.

Oh sweetie, I'm sorry he's a
little busy right now, he can't
come to the phone.

Nice try, yeah I heard him.

So, have you gotten any acting
gigs lately?

Dad: (scoffs) Yeah.

Um, not not...
Nothing really
coming up, no.

Oh sweetie, don't worry about
it. Something is going to come
up soon.

Actually that is kind of why I
was calling.

I'm uh, thinking
about taking a little bit of a
break from acting.

Alice: Oh, I am so surprised.

Yeah, um I was thinking about
coming home and seeing you and
dad for a little while.

Well, you know you are going to
have to check with your dad
about coming and staying

How long were you thinking of
staying?

It would just be for a couple
of months. Just a little while.

Just so I can clear my head.
Get things figured out.

How long is she staying?

I'm..I'm sure we can clear that
with your dad.

[SIGHS and CHUCKLES]

[DEAD DIAL TONE]

Hello? Hello?

[GLASS BREAKING]

That's my stuff!

Lady, you got an hour to clear
your crap off the street, or I'm
calling the sanitation.

[ALARM CLOCK]

[MUSIC]

[DOG BARKING]

[HEAVY BREATHING]

[HEAVY BREATHING]

[MONSTER ROARS]

[SCREAMS]

[SCREAMS AND ROARS]

[CAR SCREECHING]

[MONSTER GROWLS]

[SCREAMS]

[GLASS BREAKS]

Honey? Honey? Oh!

[SLURPS]

Ok, now uh...somebody wake up
Hicks.

And where the hell is Roger?
Has anybody seen Roger today?

He is supposed to be here at
these meetings. I'm going to
dock his pay.

We are up to item 7. Item 7. It
looks like there is a rabid dog
out in the east neighborhood.

You know, it is a grey
Labrador. He has got a foamy
mouth.

You know all the
symptoms.

If you see this animal do not
hesitate to put him down. Right
then, right there.

[SIGHS]
Yes, Doug?

Just 3 things chief, what is
the dog's street name if any?

Race? And is she or he a
previous offender?

Doug? I don't know this shit.
Gee whiz what do you expect?

It's a rabid grey
labrador with a foamy mouth.

If you encounter this animal
shoot the son of a bitch right
then and there.

Well, I just want to get all
the facts chief so I am more
capable of making a...

Can I go on, please?
Can I go on?

So we are up to item 8. Item 8
is simply this. It is against
all company policy to shoot

an animal who's gone up a
tree and waits for rescue.

Hey, that son of a bitch was
possessed.

It was either kill
him or perform and exorcism.
Am I right?

JAKE: Now Item 9, this is what
you have all been waiting for.

The dog catcher of the year
award.

We got three positions:
third, second and first.

I am going to
do it in order just like the
olympics. Okay.

By the way, This is the most
important award that the
industry can give.

Ok third place... Bobby and we
are going to forgive the cat.

Second place is Doug. First
place is Hector Rosario! The
counts are in and verified.

[CLAPPING] He has done the most
dogs, cats, raccoons....

Hector, you are the dog catcher
of the year.
HECTOR: What?

[CLAPPING]

Do I win any money?

No, Hector. This isn't about
money. It's about respect.

It's about the respect
of all your fellow
dog catchers.

Ok, well that is all for now.
If anybody sees Roger tell him

to call me right away.
Dismissed.

Hey, uh, Hector?

Um, yeah?

Congratulations.

Uh...for what?

Dog catcher of the year?

Oh, well doesn't everyone get
it their first year ?

No...

No, this is the first year I
never got it.

Well, uh thanks man.

It's great.
It's good.
[LAUGHS]

It's good. I'm happy....I hate
you.

Oh God, It's all over now.

Guess I could just fall back on
my old job.

So many glory holes.

Damn rabbits.

What the fuck?

[HEAVY BREATHING]

[SCREAMS]

[MONSTER ROARS]

[SCREAMS]

[MONSTER SHRIEKS]

[MONSTER ROARS]

[RIPPING SOUND]

So, how was the trip?

BRENDA: Good
DAD: That is a
long bus ride.

Um it was ok. Thanks.

I thought you were a Vegan?

That was last year Dad. The
Vegan thing is so old. I um.
Meat is where it's at now.

- I just want a little--
just a little taste.
- No. No.

[JAKE]: Just a little
taste. Come on, what is it
going to hurt.

Dad, I want you to live a long
and fruitful life. So you can't
have my food.

You want me to live a long and
fruitful life so I can continue
to finance your continuing

eternal education.

Actually Dad, I thought of a
new career path that I want to
go to school for.

Brenda, I can not continue

to finance 5th, no 6th major for
you B.F.A.

Dad, I know my calling.

You know what B.F.A. stands
for? Better find a...what is it
job. Because art is NOT a job.

Because art is not a job.

I know what I'm meant to do Dad.
I know what my new career is

going to be and I know it's
going to work.

What is it now?

I am going to be a poet.

You are already a failed
actress, a failed opera singer,
a failed painter,

and now you
want to be a failed poet?

I am an artist. I am a flower
and I need you to water me with
your wallet.

Your your problem is that you
don't know how to compromise.

I do know how
to compromise, Dad.

You don't know how to
compromise! If you could...If

you would compromise you would
get a job. You see this napkin?

Yeah, Dad I see the napkin.

It's a napkin. What is it for?
It's to wipe my face right? But
with a little compromise

I can take the napkin and I
can make into a hat

to keep the rain off my head.
With a little more compromise I
can take the napkin

and I can make it into a paper
airplane. How is that? Huh?

And I can sail it down
to the other end
of the diner.

down to the fat toothless woman
down there

who probably has all kinds of
enlightening stories to tell us.

With a little more compromise,
I can make it into a veil to
hide the wart on my nose

from my husband until
wedding night.

But in the end it is a napkin
that I can wipe my face with.

And don't you think the napkin
is miserable? That you're

trying to make it into
something that it's not?

No, I don't think it is
miserable. I think it's a

fucking napkin and it doesn't
know how to think.

You are going to get a job
Brenda.
No, I am not.

You are going to get a job by
the end of the week or you're
out of the house.

You wouldn't do that to me.

I will do it to you.

Oh, so now you want to kill me?

[HORSE SOUNDS]

[MONSTER ROARS]

[MONSTER ROARS]

[HORSE WHINES]

[EATING SOUNDS]

[PLAYING FLUTE].

Don't worry it's fake I am
just practicing. What can I do
for you?

Here.

A job application? Shit, I was
hoping for a customer.

Well, sit down. Turns out we
actually have an opening this
morning.

Do you have any application
prior experience in this area?

Nope, and I am scared of
spiders.

You never bagged a bee or
captured a wombat or caught a
dog or napped a cat?

Nope

Hmmm, do you have a driver's
license?

Yeah, but I haven't driven in
over a year.

Well, I'll tell you what. Can
you put on a hat?

I guess.

You're hired. See you tomorrow.

Fuck.

[PLAYS FLUTE]

Ma'am.

Yeah, hey whatever.

Mmm, you're a good one.

(Sigh)

Hey. buddy. Let me give you a
hand with that.

Oh, it's ok I can...

Oh, I insist.

[SNAP]

What?

Oh, Hector. I mean I am really
sorry. You just a little
superficial damage.

Nothing
some glue won't fix.

You did that on purpose.

Hey, now we are a team here at
Catchers in The Rye.

When one
of us wins. We all win.

You know. I, you know, I won.
You just have the trophy.

You know what I mean, buddy?

No, I don't.

Well, may the best man win.

[SCARY MUSIC]

Well, you know. I...I wasn't...
...really care about the trophy
anyway. You know I was going to

peel the label off and um give
it up as a trophy for my
bowling league

that I referee
in the evenings.

Bowling league?

Yeah, bowling league. You know
you have a ball.. with the
hole....

Hey watch it pretty boy. That
ain't no bowling trophy. What
that award is about is about

blood, sweat and tears and
everything that goes into

the red, while and blue of old
glory.

What you just told me is that
you were just ready to jizz in
the face of lady liberty.

Alright, just calm down.

I'll calm down when you learn
to wear that hat with some
dignity.

All right, listen this is just
a job. You know we use to pay
the bills. All Right.

I would rather be working at
Applebees.

What the fuck? You're out there
making a difference every day

and you would rather work at
Applebees?

Look, speaking of Applebees,
Let's um. Why don't we go out
and have a drink?

No, fuck that. Not after what
you just told me..

No, no. At this point I am
ready to move to North Korea

start some secret socialist
communist dance squad.

Besides, I don't drink. It
takes the edge off my game.

What a loser.

[HORSES GALLOPING]

Why do we have to have a picnic
out here in the woods?

Can't we..can't we have one in
the Dining room or something?

What...what. what do we want to
be out here for?

And fresh air?

What? What do I want fresh air
for?

I have no idea.

Yeah, but instead of being out
here will all the sticks and

snakes and shit. We could be at
a Diner, enjoying our selves.

Well, but then again at a Diner
I am not allowed to smoke.

So I mean....I don't know
well..what do you want to do?

Babe! You promised me you would
quit?

I did quit, I mean I am like
down to 2 packs a day. What are
you complaining about?

Babe?

What? I mean, all right, if I'm
not going to be a smoker,

then we should definitely go to
a Diner.

Well...you can't skinny dip in
a restaurant.

That is true.

Turn around....turn.

Fine.

Can I turn around now?

Nope.
[UNZIPPING TOP]

No peaking!

Ahh.

MAN: How about now?

GIRL: No, be patient. God.

MAN: come on, I want to see my
girlfriend naked. What is the
harm in that?

You have to wait!

MAN: What about now? Can I turn
around now?

No, I told you no.

Jess?

Oh, now that is my kind of
Easter egg hunt.

Yeah.

Jess? Jess where are you?
Come on.

Oh.

Oh, I am going to play with
that little puppy tail. Jess
where are you at? Jess?

Jess? Jess? Jess?

I've got a
big old Easter basket for you.

Jess? Jess?

Jess, I have got a surprise for
you [UNZIP]

Oh! Fuck. Oh of f....

[MONSTER GROWLS]

Fuck.

[MONSTER GROWLS]

[SOUND OF A LIGHTER IGNITING]

[SCREAMS]

[CHEWING SOUNDS]

[FUNK MUSIC]

Don't liter kid.

Mayor Farnsworth?

Hey, how's it going?

Mayor?
MAYOR: Hey.

Mayor? Hey mayor?

What? Can't you see that I am
busy "Mayoring" her man.

It's about the stop sign on
Main street.

Yeah what about it?

Uh, we don't have one. And we
really need one.

We don't really need one do we?
[CAR SCREECHING]

There are traffic accidents
almost every week!

That is what car insurance is
for man.

But...I don't think car
insurance is going to cover
everything.

Uh, what do I look like that I
am made of stop signs. Am I like
the stop sign mayor? No!

No, but Mayor, you really need
to...try and do something.

Listen, check it out. Ask not
what your country can do for
you, ok?

Ask what you can do for your
country. You selfish little
girl.

All right, look, check it out.
Over there in the garbage

there is a perfectly fine
piece of cardboard.

You take that, and a Sharpie
and you make yourself a stop
sign ok?

Then you can go home, and make
a list of other things

you can
do for me. I mean for your
country.

But but but mayor...

You know what you got more "but"
than my ex-wife. And that is
a lot of but.

[FUNK MUSIC]

[CAR CRASHES]

Great news,
What's up man?

Great news, sir. I think we have
a few more corporate sponsors
for our Easter Day celebration.

Awesome, let's hear it.

Now, they do expect certain,
let's just say concessions

before they donate to your
campaign. I mean...
donate to the town.

[LAUGHTER]

Right, man the "town". Well
what do they want?

Barfing Bart's Beer and Liquor
would like to set up a

taste testing booth near the
High school. You know. To get to
the kids early.

Get them while they're young
man. Awesome idea. That is how
they got me, bro.

Tell you what, while you are at
it. Why don't you set up

a voter registration booth right
after these taste test man.

And if there are any specially
hot young voters, you send them
right over to my photo booth.

Stock it up with that Patchouli
incense man, because in
a Goda Di Vida

don't rock so hard without the
Patchouli flowing man.

What else?

Epstein' s junkyard would like
to off load a few truck loads
of tires.

Hmmm, tell you what, man. Send
them over to the meat processing
plant.

We're going to one up
the Feds.

We're going to institute a
"Wheels in Meals" program, dude.

Instead of having like a savage
landfill.

We're going to have some
ravaging belly fill bro. We're
going to change the world!

You, you , you are an
excellent, great humanitarian,
sir.

I know. It just... Sometimes it
just hurts so much man.

Well...not me but someone.

[LAUGHTER]

All right now get on out of
here.

I will get right on it sir.
All right, thanks man.

[BEEP SOUNDS]

[SCREAMING]

[GROWLING]

[LAUGHTER]

[BEEP SOUNDS]

[GROWLING]

Oh, I have to tweet about this.

[EATING SOUNDS]

[BEEP SOUNDS]

DOUG: Step 27, when you wear
your hat always make sure it is
well adjusted to intimidate.

BRENDA: Mm-hmm.

Michaelangelo had his stone and
paint, but we...we deal with
life and death every day.

And dog shit! Watch out!

See that. That is a land mine
baby.

You know, I just saved your
life. Beautiful.

You know I can remember this
one time I got a call about a
387.

A 387? You guys have codes?

Well the "Corps" doesn't yet,
but I do.

If Jake would just listen to
reason.

I mean who has time to say
stray dog when you can just say
387 Mark 6.

See, I knew you would
understand. you're different.

So anyway I responded to the
call and next thing I know

I found myself surrounded by 2
Pitbulls,

2 Rottweilers, 2 Bull Terriers,
and and 2 Shih Tzus.

[SNICKERING]

Yeah, everyone counts out the
Shih tzu,

but they're wrong.
Dead wrong.

You know a Shih tzu is a lot
like an 8 year old with
diarrhea,

I mean you never know
when it is going to go off.

But you know what saved me?

No what?

Training!

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, you know I have never
been to war. You know, I got it.

PTSD.
Mm-hmm.

That's why I never got married.

Yeah, that's why.

[WIND BLOWING]

[SPEAKING SPANISH]

[ADVENTURE MUSIC]

[MONSTER BREATHING]

[MONSTER BREATHING]

[MONSTER BREATHING]

[SCARY MUSIC]

[MONSTER BREATHING]

[MONSTER BREATHING]

[ROARING]

[SCREAMS]

[JAW SNAPS]
[EATING SOUNDS]

So why are you a dog catcher?
You sound like you could be a
cop.

Yeah, I tried that.

What happened?

I don't want to talk about it.

Ok, no biggie.

I said I don't want to talk
about it!

Ok, you broke me down damn it!
I failed the police academy.

Oh right, was it the
psychological examination?

No, wait what?

Nothing.

No, what did you say?

So what happened?

It was just. it was all the
guns. They sound like clowns.

Popping balloons. Pop! pop!

You're scared of loud noises?

Not so loud!

So it is not the bullets that
scare you. It's the pop pop!

Hey quit it!

Oh my God, are you crying?

No! Shut up. Ahh.

[FUNK MUSIC]

[BLOWING UP INFLATABLE TOY]

I will be right with you Honey
Pants.

God damn it this is not what I
meant when I said I wanted a
blow job.

Sir, sir?

Whoa the fuzz man. You
can't come in here without an
arrest warrant man..

She's at least 17 years old
aren't you honey?

Sir, it's me?

Who is me, man?

Put your glasses on.

Bro! What's up man. What are
you doing?

I've got some really really
important news.

Well, I have got some really
important nudes too right here
bro.

News, sir, news.

Oh news, right right. Well
listen man, can't you see that I
am really busy?

I am trying to connect with my
voter base man. Show her my
latest "Erection Poll"

Sir, the people are being
killed by something
in the woods.

In the last several days we've
had 5 separate massacres.
Including the Amish.

Fuck the Amish man, what about
the other people? Are they
Democrats or Republicans?

[COWS MOOING]

[CELL PHONE RINGS]

This is Roger, Dog Catchers in
the Rye. If your dog is on the

prowl, our prices to bring him
back won't make you howl.

VO: Roger, it's Jake. You got to
brighten that up a little bit.

Now listen. I think we got
a um...
Tree rat.

It's on the loose out in your
sector and you got to go get it.

What the hell is a tree rat?

VO: Read the manual Roger, it's
a squirrel. It's just a rat
with a fancy fur coat go get it.

Why is somebody keeping a
squirrel for a pet that's
stupid.

VO: Roger, I don't know this
shit. All I know is it's on the
loose.

It's got a little tag
around its neck.

You got to go find it and bring
it in, that is it.

Fine!

[SCARY MUSIC]

[SQUIRREL SOUNDS]

[SQUIRREL SOUNDS]

There you go you little
tree rat.

Game Over!
[YELLING]

Alright, it's slap shot time.

[YELLING]

[YELLING]

[LOUD FOOT STEP]

[LOUD FOOT STEP]

[LOUD FOOT STEP]

[LOUD FOOT STEPS]

[ROAR]

[SCREAMS]

[LOUD JUMPS]

[SCREAMS]

You and me bunny. Sudden Death!

[SPLAT]

[ROARS]

[CRUNCH]

[SCREAMS]

[SCREAMS]

Ahh!

[SCREAMS]

Edmonton will rise again!

[EATING SOUNDS]

[CRYING]

What's going on?

It's Roger, he's dead. He was
torn to shreds by a pack of
wild dogs!

The dogs! I knew one day they
would rise up!

Have they issued
any demands regarding our
submission?

Who the dogs?

Yes, of course the dogs! Who
else would leave a note.

Do you think they will make us
wear collars?

Are you kidding?

What if uh....What if it was
the squirrels. I know he was on
a call to capture squirrels.

So, it's finally happening.

What?

Have you ever read Animal Farm?

[SNIFFING]

Give me that!

What are you doing?

Well, if it is squirrels, I
have to protect my nuts!

What are you plan on doing
about Roger?

Well, I don't know Doug, what
do you expect me to do about
Roger?

Payback!

I'm docking your pay for that
extra net Doug!

You're so funny.
You're funny.

No, you're funny.
No, you're funnier.

No, stop it.

You stop it.
I was going to--

Why are you laughing?!

What's it to you? You think
we're laughing at you?

No!

Where you?

HECTOR: No.
BRENDA: Yes.

Didn't you hear about Roger?

- No.
- Who?

Roger Falk!

He was the finest feline
finder this side of the Delta.

He put the cat in catcher!

And my God did that man love
pussy!

BRENDA: What the hell are you
talking about?

What I am saying is that Roger
is dead.

Or are you guys to cool for the
school to care if someone lives
or dies.

What happened?

Did he die of a heart attack at
the bar?

[LAUGHS]

He was torn apart by wolves!

Oh my God.

How? Wolves?

Or squirrels, the jury is still
out on the matter. What matters
is that

the Dogs want their vengeance!

And we are all just the grocer
here to collect the bill.

That is from Apocalypse Now.

That's from shut your lips "Me"!

I am surprised you saw that.
I woulda thought you were much
more of a Judy Garland fan.

So you recognize it to? Toto!
The Wizard. You see what it all
means is....

Screw you both!

You're sure he has never been
on medication?

SHERIFF: So based on the
evidence. I would say they were
attacked by a pack of wolves.

A pack of wolves? Does this
mean we are going to have to

cancel the Easter Day
celebration?

Whoa whoa, folks. Excuse me man.
No, no no. You misunderstood
him. He said a sack of "Tolves"

"Sack of Tolves??"

Sack of tolls.

What the heck is a sack of
tolls?

Sack of tools man! Get the dirt
out of your ear.

How did you
guys become reporters in the
first place?

Man, now I know how all those
scandals about me smoking weed
got started.

How can a sack of tools cause
this kind of destruction?

They're Amish man!

And?

Do, I have to do your job for
you man?

Uh, obviously, they're making
hand bags. You know, using

electrical tools.
The devil's play things?

You know cut thy hand off to
spite thy greed type of shit.

Do the Amish people vote?

I don't think so sir.

The Amish are a an evil people.

Who knows what kind of crazy
sex drug cult they got going up
there

behind the horse and buggy and
wacky beards. You know? This is
an obvious terror attempt man.

to over run our country and to
take away our Easter Day
celebration, you know...

They're trying to take away our
liberty, our justice, our
truth, our Easter eggs, man!

You know luckily we live in a
country where people

that perpetrate this kinds of
behavior are vanquished.

or hit with scud missiles. And
let me tell you all right now.

If we had scud missile
technology man,

There would be some funny
beard wearing dudes taking cover
right now, ok?

You know. But everybody just
needs to "Chillax".

Chill out. Go about
the weekend as you planned.

Come on down.
Bring your money,
tell your friends,

tell them to bring their money.
Just spend and have a good time.

You know? It is not about the
town anymore. It's about the
God damn virtue of our nation!

Virtue of our nation,
that's awesome.

Remember that one for
my presidential speech.

Follow up question?

Yeah?

What's that?

[SCARY MUSIC]

Uh, decorations man.
Decorations. Yeah.

Doug, can I ask you a question?

Shhh. Quiet!

No, I just have a quick
question.

What?

[ROMANTIC MUSIC]

[SLURPING]

[SLURPING]

[SLURPING]

[CHEWING]

Does Hector have a girlfriend?

Well, you know.
The thing about Hector --
You know is it, uh.

I don't really know if he
has time for a girlfriend,

being such a high ranking Nazi.

He's not a Nazi!

Well, uh you know, regardless.
He is just weird you know.

I mean you know.
He has a tattoo above his ass

that says parking in rear!

How...how would you know?

Well...I. I also know that his
mom doesn't like it

when he brings girls
to the house, you know,

because he lives with his
mother.

He lives with his mom?
That is so sweet.

Well, yeah but you know she
doesn't really have a problem

when I come there, and neither
does Hector.

And you know,
because he's uh, gay?

He's not gay!

Well...I would.
I would know?

Oh.

No.

[LAUGHS]
Oh, would you?

No, I mean. No. I wouldn't,
I wouldn't know.

Oh.

No, I'm not. I'm not gay.
You know.
BRENDA: Oh.

Right.

Alright, well. I'm going to
go this way and you go over
there.

Sounds good.
Sounds good.

Yeah, yeah.

[LOUD ROCK MUSIC]

[GROWLS]

[BURPING]

[SPLAT]

[SCREAMS]

Brenda, my love...ouch

Where are you going my love?

Oh, there you are.
You came back for me.

[KEYS BEING REMOVED]

No, no! I love you!

Oh, darling. Darling what's
wrong? Did you see a spider?

I saw a severed foot!

Well, maybe someone just lost
it.

No, shut the fuck up.

Where are you going? No! No, I
love you.

[CAR SCREECHING]

No, no, no!
[CRYING]

You know, baby if you wanted to
take a ride in the Doug mobile,
all you had to do was ask.

I can't believe the mayor is
making us move his decorations
into town after work.

And why the hell did he have
them delivered out here anyway?

I am guessing he stiffed the
delivery guy.

Are we getting time and a half
for this?

Nope, he was like "Why would you
want money?" Money doesn't last.

But fame, notoriety. That
you can take to the bank.

Yeah, unlike money.

So, congratulations. You are
now the CEO of concierge
services,

and I am V.P. of
janitorial affairs.

Great, why do I keep this job
again?

What's the difference between
a wife and a job?

A job still sucks after 10
years.

Mayor Farnsworth is so cheap he
hangs up used toilet paper to
dry.

What the hell? This is the
giant egg he wants us to move?

That is not going to fit in the
back seat.

Oh man.

Do have some bungee straps to
fit it on your roof?

We better get some kinda of
bonus for this.

Are you kidding? He doesn't
even tip his hat.

[SCARY MUSIC]

Oh man, the paint is still wet.

[ROARS]

[SCREAMS]

What are you doing? It's just a
bunny. Kick with your legs.

Kick with your leg. Your leg!

I guess this is karma for all
those chocolate rabbits I ate
as a kid.

[REPORTERS MUMMERING]

All right, all right all right
all right. One question at a
time.

You, the broad in the
front, what's up?

Mr. Mayor, what are you going
to do about all the wild animal
attacks that have been going on?

Wild animal attacks? More like
wild rumors man.

Its just a few farm tool
accidents, that's all.

Wait? A few? There has been
more deaths in the past week

than there were at the toy
factory fire 3 years ago.

Whoa bro! I had nothing to do
with that man. Nothing to do
with it.

And I am so lucky.
So lucky...

that I had the place heavily
insured other wise I would have
lost my shirt man.

And it is bad karma so don't
bring it up again dude!

Mr. Mayor, I have a photo with
a victim with claw marks across
his chest.

How are you going to tell me
that farm tools did that?

Let me see that bro.
Bring it up here.

[BLOWS] Are you high man?
These are obvious rake marks.

Come on.

Haven't you ever seen the
cartoon where the dude steps

on the rake
and hits him in the face?

"Fwap" man, he goes down. Could
you imagine if these evil

Amish people, man,
are experimenting with

electronic rake technology, man?
Could you imagine the
mutilation, the devastation?

Well, you don't have to because
this it it, bros!

Mr. Mayor how does an
electronic rake put a person 20
feet into a tree?

Are you a physicist? Are you a
physicist, man? It's just one of
those science things, man,

that nobody knows. It's like
the last number of pi or

how they get the stuffing
in those Twinkies man.

It's just unanswerable.

But lucky for you all, I got a
crack team of scientists working
to solve the "problemo".

It's the new Farnsworth line of
safety tools, man.

The ultimate in safety
at only twice the price!

Check out this bubble wrap
hammer.

Nothing! I didn't feel a thing.
And check out my whip cream
sander.

[BUZZING]

You totally remind me of a
chick that was at my party
last night, man.

Covered in the shit.

And we also have an edible
wrench, man, made out of Jello.

It does its job, but you can
also eat it man!

We're going to save the world!
We are solving world hunger
here, man!

Mr. Mayor, how does turning
food into a wrench going to
solve world hunger?

It just does, chick. Come on,
roll with it. Go with it.

And where do we find these
wonderful tools?

Thanks for asking Ma'am. Not
just moments ago, I entered into

an exclusive agreement
with the owner

of the Farnsworth
hardware tool store down town

to get rid of all the current
evil tools that he has, man.

and replace them with the new
Farnsworth line of safety tools,
you know.

And if you are in a real hurry
to save your loved ones, your
dog, your cat, what have you,

you can get them from me
directly right now for a small

$50 shipping and handling fee
per item.

But what about all the wild
animals?

Problem solved. bro! Problem
solved. No more questions.
I'm out.

[CROWD ANGRY]

What are we going to do about
this wild animal problem, bro?

We've got our best man on it,
sir.

We better man. Did you see the
whip cream on that chick, man?
That was awesome!

JAKE VO: Hector, we need that
magic boy.

The mayor is
counting on you, I am counting
on you.

The town is counting on you.
Get these rabid dogs out of the
woods, okay? Go for it.

Alright Jake, but uh, what's
going on with this shitty net
man?

VO: Well, I guess Doug is off
his meds again.

You know he
took every net out of the
office.

Just do the best job you can
with what you got now.

Alright, whatever.

[SCARY MUSIC]

[MONSTER BREATHING]

Oh!

[ROARS]

[GROWLING]

[ROARS]

[GROWLING]

[STABBING FLESH]

[ROARS]

[EATING SOUNDS]

What's the matter sweet pea?
Boyfriend break up with you?

Hector was killed last night.

Really?
Well was it a 559 Mark 4?

He was torn to shreds trying to
catch those rabid dogs.

The mayor insists that
it was probably

an electrical trowel
that did it.

Yeah, I know it's hard, but
imagine how his boyfriend must
feel right now?

He was the only person in this
town that I could talk to.

He was the only person I could
open up to.

Now, I'm stuck in this town
that I hate with a bunch of

backward hicks who think
Beethoven's just a large dog.

He's not?

He understood my artistic spirt.

He had the heart of a poet just
like me.

Yeah, he will be missed. After
all he was the 2nd best

dog catcher that this
town has ever seen.

Ow! Is that a miniature golf
pencil in your pants?

Let's not talk about that.

I just know how much
you like golf.

Someone needs to do something
about these rabid dogs.

And being the greatest dog
catcher that has graced
history.

It's only natural that
it should be me!

Well yeah, technically now that
Hector is dead.

Actually, you are the best dog
catcher.

Don't worry Brenda, I will
avenge Hector's death.

Well, actually technically
Timmy is pretty good. Well,
actually he really is the best.

Hey, fuck you, John. I bagged a
pretty big bitch last night.

Oh, yeah?

So if you're wondering where
your mom went!

[ACTION MUSIC]

[GULPING DRINK]

Hey is that a new net? We don't
give them away like water!

And never wear those God damn
pants again!

[SQUIRREL SOUNDS]

[EATING SOUNDS]

[SCREAMS]

[SCREAMS]

[PHONE RINGING]

Dog Catchers in the Rye. We bag
your dogs and never spill the
mustard. How can I help you?

Out of the way, God damn it!

I'll be back for you.

Doug! What the hell is wrong
with you? What are you doing?

This is it!
Jesus Christ Doug?

This is it my brothers and
sister. It's the apocalypse.

But there's no 4 horseman.

It's a giant fucking rabbit. I
was running through the woods.

Breathless, credulous, looking
for a pack of wolves.

But do you know what I found? A
50 foot cannibal rabbit!

[LAUGHTER]

JAKE (vo): Doug, Doug, you have
been drinking the sterno again
haven't you?

[LAUGHTER]

DOUG: Yeah laugh, laugh. It's
just like high school.

I don't think that you'll all be
laughing when you are burning
in hell!

JAKE: Doug, you need to go home
and get rest. Ok? Get home,
get rest, come back tomorrow.

Home? The only home we're
going to have is the holocaust

that this town is about to
become.

This town is the last beacon of
civilization

everything else
has gone to the dogs. I have
seen it.

JAKE: Doug? No, it's time for us
to draw a line...
JAKE: I am calling an ambulance!

It's time for us to draw a line
and take a stand.

Now, who will cross the
threshold and join me?

[CROWD MUMMERS]

Brenda?

Brenda, you believe me don't
you? Doll face?

That we're all
going to be turned into bunny
brimstone?

Ah.

You're all cowards!

It's up to me to save the town.

Hey, those nets aren't free you
looney!

I'm taking that out of your
salary you looney!

Everyone listen to me!

[SCREAMS]

Listen to me, giant killer
bunny!

Please, listen to the raving
lunatic. Killer rabbit!

Soon, my friends, the end of
days will be coming.
Like I told.

Soon, you must repent now.

The end of days are coming soon
my friend. Once men starting
marrying men that was it.

It wasn't a meteors that killed
the dinosaur.
They all turned gay!

It is our time for extinction!

Excuse me, listen to me
everyone you got to get out of
here

or you else you are are
all going to die!

Joyful news my friends!
Salvation!

[CROWD APPLAUSE]

No, no it's not the apocalypse.
It's not the rapture.

The hell mouth has opened
but it's not the devil.

It's a hellish hasenpfeffer.

Exactly, like I foretold!

Really?
[APPLAUSE]

No! You got to get out of here
or else...!

Look! 2 men kissing!

[CROWD SCREAMS]

[DOUG SCREAMING]

Oh, come on!

You there! LIsten to me!
Giant killer bunny!

[SCREAMS]

Attention, everyone this is an
emergency, evacuate! Evacuate
now!

Yo, shut the fuck up or I'll
will come over there and beat

your ass so hard,
your grand kids will bleed.

Well, what does that mean?

What the hell are you doing
here? What are you banging on
my door for?

Listen to me, there's a giant
rabbit and it's coming right
this way

and it's going to
devour the whole town!

Really?
Yeah!

You got a picture of it?

Well...no.

Yeah, funny now that everyone
has a camera phone, Bigfoot
fucking disappears!

It's because they're crafty.

Shut the fuck up!
Get off my porch!

I am trying to save you!

Get the fuck off my porch!

I am your guardian angel!

Shut the fuck up or I will kill
you, you son of a bitch!

[SCREAMS]

Killer rabbit!
[SCREAMS]

Listen to me everybody! This is
the last time that I'm warning
you!

The bunny blitzkrieg is
upon us!

No! no!
[SCREAMS]

[THUMP]

Alright man, Welcome! I just
want to say what an awesome day
huh?

It's going to be an
awesome day!

Alright, I want to start off by
saying I am really sorry

I was completely mislead
by my staff into

thinking that the recent rash
of deaths were due to uh,
hazardous farm tools man.

Now that we got this creep Doug
Williams in custody, man. We
know what's up so...

So Mr. Mayor? Are you saying it
is safe to use electric farm
tools again?

Well now... just to be safe. I
am thinking everybody should

still use the Farnsworth line
of safety tools.

Available exclusively at
Farnsworth Hardware store. Ok,
just to be safe now.

And uh, for a limited time
only. The uh Nerf Pitchfork is

available for 30% off while
supplies last.

Is there any validity
to the rumors of wild
animals in the woods?

Obviously, there is no giant
rabbit from hell roaming the
woods.

And if you believe that man,
you've been smoking better shit

than I ever had, and can I get
your phone number?

But the Easter holiday weekend
is going to be going on as
planned man!

It's going to be
awesome.

Shouldn't you at least check
the woods for any wild animals
that

could harm the residents
or hundreds

of visitors that are coming
to town tomorrow?

Are you the mayor? What do you
think you're the mayor?

Have you ever even elected to a
publicly held office man?

Have you ever even been hall
monitor, man? Come on!

[ANGRY CROWD]

Ah well, whoa whoa whoa.
Alright bros, I am going to
break it down.

I'm going to bottom line it
right here for you, ok?

I'm not about to let some
psychopathic serial killing dog
catcher, man,

ruin the weekend
for all the people

we got coming to our lovely
little halo here for some good
old American fun! Huh?

You know? A couple of cut up
cub scouts, 3 squashed soap
opera stars, and 1 mutilated

synchronized swimmer are not
going to stop us from being

Americans, ok?
And spending all of our

hard earned cash on corporate
fabricated holidays such as our
Easter weekend celebration, man!

Mr. Mayor, Mr. Mayor?
Shouldn't you at least

provide more security or call in
the state police

to make sure the event is safe?

[CROWD AGREES]

No man, I can't talk to the
governor, man, ever since

I, um, puked
in the punch bowl at last
years gala.

Man, that is out. He is not
going to take...so forget...

But listen, alright, what do you
want me to do?

Hire extra security guards man?
Alright, I will just raise your
taxes to pay for it.

I'll just
raise your taxes!

That's ridiculous! You should
use the profits from Safe Tools
and add more security!

[CROWD AGREES]

Man, you lame brain left wing
and right wing media. You are so
far to the left or right man,

you don't even know where the
center is

anymore. You are so extreme,
you are a bunch of Socialist

Ronald Reagan loving, Jimmy
Carter adoring

Che Guevera, William F. Buckley
Fascist, who think that all the
Job Creators should be giving

Free love and flowers, man! So
why don't you just go out and
buy a gun and hug a tree!

[ANGRY CROWD]

Alright, alright.
This is over, man.
This is over.

But I will
say one thing. Just for your
peace of mind

all the employees from the Dog
Catchers in the Rye are going
to be roaming the woods just to

keep you safe from whatever you
think is out there, ok?

And if you are related
to anybody or know

anybody that is out there doing
it this weekend,

they're not going
to be able to talk
to you until the

weekend is over. No cell phones.
No personal contact so...
Enjoy the weekend!

It's going to be awesome man!

[ANGRY REPORTERS]

[MUSIC]

I'm not insane, you hear me?
You're all going to die!

Die! Die!
You're all going to die!

Die! Die!

We are all going to die?!

Uh ha, yeah little girl, man we
are all going to dye, dye, dye

Easter eggs. We are going to
have fun

at dye, dye, dye Easter eggs.
Mom, dad go dye. Go dye, dye,
dye Easter eggs. Have fun!

Enjoy the day!
It's a beautiful day!

[MUSIC]

[MONSTER BREATHING]

Rabbit!

Rabbit! Rabbit! Watch out!

Still not the craziest girl
that I ever dated.
Really?

BRENDA: Help! Help!

BRENDA: Rabbit!

It's a giant rabbit!

You mean that is real?

[ROARS]

[SCREAMS]

No, run!

Do something! Don't just stand
there! Shoot at him!

We don't have guns, man!
Guns cost money!

Oh! you must! Ahh!

Kill it, kill it.

You idiot! Get off of me!

[SCREAMS]

[ROARS]

[CRUSH SOUND]

Help! Help!

[CRUSH SOUND]

Oof!

That's the 2nd biggest rabbit
I've ever seen!

Oh God, you poor bastards!
[CRYING]

Dad! Alice!

Come on, baby! Squeal for Mama!
That's it, oh!

[SNORTING]
Oh, come on baby
That's it! That's it! Wooo!

What is going on in here?!

Brenda!? Wait uh! This is not
what you think it is!

But, um wait a minute, what do
you think this is?

Brenda, Brenda, Brenda, wait,
wait, wait. What are you doing?

At least take that bib off
before you talk to me.

Alright, what are you doing?

I am getting out of this town
now!

You're quitting again?

You don't understand.

Oh yes, I do! I understand
perfectly well. You are
quitting again.

You are doing
again what you've

done all your life. Something
has come up and you are
leaving....

Dad! There is a huge rabbit
running through this town!

That is what's bothering you?
A rabbit? A rabbit?

It's a huge rabbit, Dad!

I will...I will die if I stay
here!

Yeah, you'll die of boredom,
right? You will die of boredom?

You know small town living
isn't so bad

You know, Brenda, it's tough
love! That's what it is. Some
day you will thank me,

because I made you stay here and
made you for once p
pin your life...

Fine, fine. I will stay. Tell
me where do you keep your guns?

What do you want a gun for?

It's a huge rabbit Dad, I told
you!

Fine! In the gun cabinet
downstairs, the keys are in the
same place.

Just try not to
shoot any innocent bystanders!

Yeah, fine.

And I am still mad at you by
the way!

Well, what else is new?

Ready for round two! Ha ha! Get
out the kielbasa!

[SNORTING and LAUGHING]

[SNORTING]

[ACTION MUSIC]

[LIGHT SWITCH]

[SIRENS]

Are you ready for action? Or
are you too doped up?

Mommy, I'm ready for my sponge
bath.

[SIRENS]

[GROWLING]

Damn Farnsworth Safety Gun!

[CRUNCH]

Come on! Here wear this!

What?

It makes you look yummy, ok! Now
go out there and do what you do
best!

Oh, masturbate.
[LAUGHS]

Eww, no, no!
Go kill that rabbit!

Oh, ok Santa!

Ahh my legs, my legs, my legs.
Who? Is that?

Doug? is that you Doug?
Doug, you got to help me!

You got to get me to a hospital!
I'll be alright

if you get me to a hospital
Doug! Doug!

Chief! Your legs?
They walked away!

Doug! You got to help me! You
got to get me to a hospital!

Doug, Doug! You got to help me!

You got to get me to a
hospital! Just...you got to...

You poor saint!
I'll end your suffering!

Doug! Please Doug,
get me to a hospital!

Please! No! No! No Doug!

[YELLING]

[CRUSH]

[CRYING]
You're in heaven now!

[CRYING]

Oh, Chief!

I'll miss you!

Now, who will stare at my dick
while I steal their drinks!

And he used to look so long...

[ROARS]

[ROARS]

[GIANT FOOTSTEPS]

[GIANT FOOTSTEPS]

[ROARS]

[GUN FIRING]

[TAPPING]

What a tool!

[SIRENS]

So Brenda, how would you like
to go on a date with a hero?

No! Besides,
I thought you were gay.

Again?

How do you think the Rabbit got
so big?

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]