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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:09,835 --> 00:00:12,099 George Carlin: THE JOKE LEADS ME DOWN ONE PATH, 2 00:00:12,142 --> 00:00:14,492 AND THEN IT SWITCHES THE PATH ON ME SUDDENLY, 3 00:00:14,536 --> 00:00:15,928 AND IT HITS ME WITH A HAMMER. 4 00:00:15,972 --> 00:00:17,539 IT'S JUST, "HERE WE GO, FOLKS." 5 00:00:17,582 --> 00:00:20,498 YOU HAVE OUTSTRETCHED YOURSELF WHEN YOU'RE DOING IT RIGHT, 6 00:00:20,542 --> 00:00:22,196 ON MAKING IT AS HORRIFIC AS YOU CAN. 7 00:00:22,239 --> 00:00:23,632 AND BAM! 8 00:00:23,675 --> 00:00:26,417 BAM THEM WITH AS POLITE A TITLE AS YOU CAN. 9 00:00:26,461 --> 00:00:27,418 "THE ARISTOCRATS". 10 00:00:27,462 --> 00:00:28,419 "THE ARISTOCRATS". 11 00:00:28,463 --> 00:00:29,942 "THE ARISTOCRATS". 12 00:00:29,986 --> 00:00:31,074 THE WHAT? 13 00:00:31,118 --> 00:00:32,554 I'VE HEARD THE JOKE, 14 00:00:32,597 --> 00:00:34,425 BUT I DON'T REMEMBER WHAT WAS SO BAD. 15 00:00:34,469 --> 00:00:36,297 I REMEMBER THAT I FAINTED. 16 00:00:36,340 --> 00:00:37,254 [ Laughing ] 17 00:00:39,561 --> 00:00:40,779 David Brenner: THAT JOKE'S BEEN AROUND. 18 00:00:40,823 --> 00:00:42,868 "THE ARISTOCRATS" IS ALWAYS LIKE A CLASSIC. 19 00:00:42,912 --> 00:00:44,696 IN FACT, THEY TOLD IT ON... I THINK IT WAS THE "NINA" 20 00:00:44,740 --> 00:00:45,871 OR THE "PINTA" ON THE "SANTA MARIA" 21 00:00:45,915 --> 00:00:47,177 WHEN COLUMBUS WAS CROSSING THE OCEAN. 22 00:00:47,221 --> 00:00:49,440 AND I THINK LINCOLN TOLD ME. I'M NOT QUITE SURE. 23 00:00:49,484 --> 00:00:51,312 I WAS AT THE THEATRE AT THE TIME. I WAS AN USHER. 24 00:00:52,791 --> 00:00:54,793 OF ALL THE JOKES TO DO A DOCUMENTARY ABOUT, 25 00:00:54,837 --> 00:00:55,968 YOU CHOSE THIS ONE? 26 00:00:56,012 --> 00:00:56,665 [ Chortling ] 27 00:00:58,406 --> 00:00:59,929 Michael McKean: THERE WAS THIS SECRET SOCIETY: 28 00:00:59,972 --> 00:01:01,713 CHEVY CHASE AND MICHAEL O'DONOGHUE, 29 00:01:01,757 --> 00:01:03,541 I THINK JOHN BELUSHI AND SOME OTHERS, 30 00:01:03,585 --> 00:01:05,761 THEY HAD THIS COVEN OF... PEOPLE 31 00:01:05,804 --> 00:01:07,937 WHO WOULD TELL THIS JOKE OVER AND OVER AGAIN. 32 00:01:07,980 --> 00:01:09,895 CHEVY CHASE SUPPOSEDLY USED TO HAVE PARTIES, 33 00:01:09,939 --> 00:01:12,115 AND THE CRITERIA WAS, YOU HAD THE MOM, 34 00:01:12,159 --> 00:01:14,639 THE DAD, THE SON, THE DAUGHTER, AND A DOG. 35 00:01:14,683 --> 00:01:17,555 AND YOU HAD TO TALK WITH SOME COMBINATION OF THAT 36 00:01:17,599 --> 00:01:19,253 WITHOUT REPEATING YOURSELF; 37 00:01:19,296 --> 00:01:21,298 IF YOU REPEATED YOURSELF YOU WERE OUT. 38 00:01:21,342 --> 00:01:23,213 THE IDEA WAS THAT WE GOT TO BREAK A HALF AN HOUR. 39 00:01:23,257 --> 00:01:24,301 YOU KNOW, WE GOT TO GET... 40 00:01:24,345 --> 00:01:25,737 WE GOT TO MAKE THIS JOKE LAST 41 00:01:25,781 --> 00:01:26,869 MORE THAN A HALF AN HOUR. 42 00:01:26,912 --> 00:01:28,088 AND I DON'T KNOW WHETHER THEY EVER DID. 43 00:01:28,131 --> 00:01:29,567 APPARENTLY O'DONOGHUE CAME CLOSE. 44 00:01:29,611 --> 00:01:31,439 BUT DIED IN THE ATTEMPT. [ Laughing ] 45 00:01:31,482 --> 00:01:33,136 NOT WELL KNOWN. 46 00:01:33,180 --> 00:01:34,398 I HEARD MICHAEL O'DONOGHUE 47 00:01:34,442 --> 00:01:36,226 DID IT FOR 90 MINUTES ONCE. 48 00:01:36,270 --> 00:01:37,923 Billy Connolly: IT'S THE ONLY JOKE I KNOW 49 00:01:37,967 --> 00:01:40,317 THAT PEOPLE TALK ABOUT. 50 00:01:40,361 --> 00:01:42,319 I'M ALWAYS SHOCKED WHEN PEOPLE DON'T KNOW THIS JOKE. 51 00:01:42,363 --> 00:01:43,755 IT IS A PERVASIVE JOKE. 52 00:01:43,799 --> 00:01:45,714 IT WAS A BURLESQUE KIND OF A JOKE. 53 00:01:45,757 --> 00:01:48,064 IT HAD BEEN KICKED AROUND A LOT, YOU KNOW. 54 00:01:48,108 --> 00:01:50,501 I REMEMBER IT, THE SAME YOU REMEMBER ANY FIRST, 55 00:01:50,545 --> 00:01:53,156 LIKE THE FIRST TIME YOU HEAR A CUT FROM A LENNY BRUCE ALBUM. 56 00:01:53,200 --> 00:01:54,810 IT WAS SHOCKING! YOU'D NEVER HEARD THAT. 57 00:01:54,853 --> 00:01:56,420 I HEARD IT FROM A GENTLEMAN 58 00:01:56,464 --> 00:01:58,161 WHO WAS RUNNING "SECOND CITY" IN CHICAGO. 59 00:01:58,205 --> 00:02:00,468 AT UCLA, WORKING ON THE HUMOUR MAGAZINE. 60 00:02:00,511 --> 00:02:02,165 THE EDITOR AT THE TIME TOLD ME THE JOKE. 61 00:02:02,209 --> 00:02:03,732 BILL HICK. THAT'S WHERE I HEARD IT. 62 00:02:03,775 --> 00:02:05,560 I THINK I FIRST HEARD "THE ARISTOCRATS" 63 00:02:05,603 --> 00:02:08,171 WHILE DOING BLOW IN "CATCH A RISING STAR" WITH RICHARD BELZIER. 64 00:02:08,215 --> 00:02:11,392 THIS JOKE WAS A FRIEND OF EVERY COMEDIAN IN THE WORLD. 65 00:02:11,435 --> 00:02:12,828 Chris Albrecht: I FIRST WENT TO THE IMPROV NIGHTCLUB 66 00:02:12,871 --> 00:02:15,744 IN NEW YORK IN '73, DID SOME STAND-UP COMEDY THERE, 67 00:02:15,787 --> 00:02:17,224 BECAME THE MANAGER AND GOT TO MEET 68 00:02:17,267 --> 00:02:19,095 THE BEST YOUNG COMEDIANS OF THAT TIME. 69 00:02:19,139 --> 00:02:22,098 GOT A REAL EDUCATION IN THE COMEDY WORLD, 70 00:02:22,142 --> 00:02:24,535 AND ONE OF THE THINGS THAT WAS ALWAYS EXTREMELY CONSISTENT 71 00:02:24,579 --> 00:02:27,495 WHEREVER YOU WENT WAS "THE ARISTOCRATS" JOKE. 72 00:02:27,538 --> 00:02:30,672 I HAD HEARD ABOUT "THE ARISTOCRATS" JOKE. 73 00:02:30,715 --> 00:02:33,065 WE DO COMEDY, AND WE WORK PLACES THAT HAVE COMEDY, 74 00:02:33,109 --> 00:02:34,719 BUT WE'RE ALSO IN THE MAGIC WORLD, 75 00:02:34,763 --> 00:02:38,245 SO WE ALWAYS, ARE KIND OF OBSERVERS OF THE COMEDY WORLD. 76 00:02:38,288 --> 00:02:40,856 AND THERE WAS ALWAYS THIS SECRET HANDSHAKE OF... 77 00:02:40,899 --> 00:02:42,205 OF A WHOLE CULTURE THING 78 00:02:42,249 --> 00:02:44,251 THAT'S... WAS, TO ME, SYMBOLIZED 79 00:02:44,294 --> 00:02:45,339 BY THE JOKE, "THE ARISTOCRATS". 80 00:02:45,382 --> 00:02:47,297 I DON'T THINK COMICS 81 00:02:47,341 --> 00:02:48,864 SHOULD BE THAT PROUD, 82 00:02:48,907 --> 00:02:50,605 QUITE FRANKLY, 83 00:02:50,648 --> 00:02:53,216 ABOUT REPEATING A JOKE THAT'S BEEN GOING ON 84 00:02:53,260 --> 00:02:55,914 SINCE BUD FRIEDMAN OPENED THE FIRST IMPROV 85 00:02:55,958 --> 00:02:58,265 IN... NEXT TO THE PYRAMIDS. YOU DIG? 86 00:02:58,308 --> 00:03:00,963 I DON'T THINK COMEDIANS TOLD THIS KIND OF JOKE ON STAGE. 87 00:03:01,006 --> 00:03:02,399 HOW MANY PEOPLE TELL JOKES ON STAGE? 88 00:03:02,443 --> 00:03:04,140 PEOPLE USUALLY HAVE ROUTINES 89 00:03:04,184 --> 00:03:06,273 OR THEY STRING TOGETHER SMALL, SHORT OBSERVATIONS. 90 00:03:06,316 --> 00:03:08,275 I MEAN, YOU DON'T DO JOKE-JOKES ON STAGE EVER. 91 00:03:08,318 --> 00:03:09,580 THAT'S THE TOTAL KISS OF DEATH 92 00:03:09,624 --> 00:03:10,799 'CAUSE YOU'RE VIEWED AS THE BIG OLD HACK. 93 00:03:10,842 --> 00:03:13,845 YOU KNOW THE WAY THOSE URBAN LEGENDS GO? 94 00:03:13,889 --> 00:03:16,108 EH, THE PEOPLE ALWAYS KNEW SOMEBODY 95 00:03:16,152 --> 00:03:17,719 WHO SAW THIS GUY DOIN' IT, 96 00:03:17,762 --> 00:03:19,851 BUT I NEVER SAW ANYONE PERFORMIN' IT. 97 00:03:19,895 --> 00:03:21,940 IT'S THE KIND OF JOKE THAT YOU LOVE TELLIN' OTHER COMICS. 98 00:03:21,984 --> 00:03:23,333 WE WOULD JUST TELL THEM TO EACH OTHER, 99 00:03:23,377 --> 00:03:24,900 AND THEY NEVER HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH OUR ACT. 100 00:03:24,943 --> 00:03:26,554 IT WAS THIS KIND OF THING THAT YOU WOULD SHARE 101 00:03:26,597 --> 00:03:28,251 WITH THE... WITH THE MUSICIANS. 102 00:03:28,295 --> 00:03:31,123 IT JUST REMAINED IN THE BUSINESS, SWIRLING ROUND. 103 00:03:31,167 --> 00:03:32,429 A LOT OF THE FUNNIEST STUFF HAPPENED 104 00:03:32,473 --> 00:03:33,430 ACTUALLY AFTER THE AUDIENCE LEFT. 105 00:03:33,474 --> 00:03:35,563 WE'RE DIFFERENT, WE'RE IN HERE, 106 00:03:35,606 --> 00:03:37,826 IT'S... THERE'S NO RULES. THE HEADMASTER WENT HOME. 107 00:03:37,869 --> 00:03:39,262 WE GOT THE DORMITORY TO OURSELVES. 108 00:03:39,306 --> 00:03:40,698 "WAIT TILL YOU HEAR THIS," YOU KNOW? 109 00:03:40,742 --> 00:03:43,135 I HAVE A RECOLLECTION OF THE JOKE BEING TOLD 110 00:03:43,179 --> 00:03:45,486 AT ABOUT 4:30, 5:00 O'CLOCK IN THE MORNING 111 00:03:45,529 --> 00:03:46,922 FOR A BUNCH OF COMEDIANS. 112 00:03:46,965 --> 00:03:49,185 AND YOU ALWAYS SAVED IT, LIKE A POWERHOUSE. 113 00:03:49,229 --> 00:03:51,274 THAT WAS ONE OF THOSE TOPPERS THAT YOU COULD PULL OUT. 114 00:03:51,318 --> 00:03:53,363 THERE WAS ALMOST, LIKE, A CHORUS OF THE PUNCHLINE. 115 00:03:53,407 --> 00:03:54,669 YOU KNOW, "AND WHAT'S IT'S CALLED?" 116 00:03:54,712 --> 00:03:56,323 BUT THE JOKES THAT WE USED TO LOVE TELLING, 117 00:03:56,366 --> 00:03:58,977 AND THE JOKES THAT I ALWAYS LOVED, WERE THESE JOKES 118 00:03:59,021 --> 00:04:01,371 THAT HAVE THIS BODY OF PERFORMANCE IN THE MIDDLE. 119 00:04:01,415 --> 00:04:03,808 IT'S A SHOW-OFFY KIND OF AN INSIDE THING FOR... 120 00:04:03,852 --> 00:04:05,114 FOR PERFORMING COMICS. 121 00:04:05,157 --> 00:04:06,985 GARY SHANDLING TOLD IT TO ME; 122 00:04:07,029 --> 00:04:09,466 I THINK IT'S THE WAY I TOLD IT, WORD FOR WORD, TO EMO, 123 00:04:09,510 --> 00:04:11,294 WHICH IS PROBABLY LIKE PLAYING THE TELEPHONE GAME. 124 00:04:11,338 --> 00:04:13,078 THERE'S THE BASIC FRAMEWORK, 125 00:04:13,122 --> 00:04:17,387 BUT THEN EVERY COMEDIAN PUTS HIS OWN IMPRIMATUR ON THE JOKE 126 00:04:17,431 --> 00:04:18,823 AND REALLY MAKES IT THEIR OWN. 127 00:04:18,867 --> 00:04:20,825 I DON'T KNOW THE STANDARD TELLING 128 00:04:20,869 --> 00:04:22,392 OF THIS JOKE ANY MORE. IT'S LOST. 129 00:04:22,436 --> 00:04:24,873 WELL, IT'S A VAUDEVILLE AGENT. 130 00:04:24,916 --> 00:04:28,180 JAY MARSHALL IS THE DEFINITIVE JOKE-TELLER ON THAT, 131 00:04:28,224 --> 00:04:29,617 EVEN THOUGH HE'S NOT KNOWN AS A COMEDIAN, 132 00:04:29,660 --> 00:04:32,184 BECAUSE HE IS FROM THE VARIETY ARTS. 133 00:04:32,228 --> 00:04:34,361 JAY MARSHALL TURNS OUT TO BE THE ONE 134 00:04:34,404 --> 00:04:37,407 WHO TELLS THE ARISTOCRATS JOKE FOR THE LEGMAN BOOK. 135 00:04:37,451 --> 00:04:39,496 IT'S THE LAST STORY IN THE BOOK. 136 00:04:39,540 --> 00:04:41,324 HE GETS THE WHOLE THING ACROSS IN TWO OR THREE SENTENCES. 137 00:04:42,847 --> 00:04:45,807 A VAUDEVILLE AGENT IS INTERVIEWING ACTS, 138 00:04:45,850 --> 00:04:47,983 AND AN ACT COMES IN. HE SAYS, "WHAT DO YOU DO?" 139 00:04:48,026 --> 00:04:49,550 AND HE SAYS, "WELL, MY WIFE AND I COME OUT 140 00:04:49,593 --> 00:04:51,508 AND TAKE OUR CLOTHES OFF, 141 00:04:51,552 --> 00:04:52,944 THEN WE SHIT ON THE STAGE 142 00:04:52,988 --> 00:04:54,337 AND THE KIDS COME OUT AND WALLOW IN IT." 143 00:04:56,383 --> 00:04:58,254 HE SAYS, "WHAT KIND OF AN ACT DO YOU CALL THAT?" 144 00:04:58,298 --> 00:05:01,692 HE SAYS, "WE CALL IT 'THE ARISTOCRATS'." 145 00:05:01,736 --> 00:05:03,259 THE JOKE SUCKS! 146 00:05:03,303 --> 00:05:05,392 YOU SUCK FOR HAVING THE IDEA 147 00:05:05,435 --> 00:05:07,872 OF PUTTING THIS ON A DOCUMENTARY! 148 00:05:07,916 --> 00:05:09,526 I HATE THE JOKE. 149 00:05:09,570 --> 00:05:13,530 THE PIECE OF SHIT, STOLEN, PRETEND-TO-BE HUMOUR. 150 00:05:15,402 --> 00:05:17,012 ALTHOUGH THE PREMISE IS FUNNY. 151 00:05:17,055 --> 00:05:19,667 LET ME JUST... LET ME BACKTRACK JUST A BIT. 152 00:05:19,710 --> 00:05:21,973 WELL, YOU KNOW, IT'S A PERFECTLY CRAFTED JOKE. 153 00:05:22,017 --> 00:05:23,061 IT'S GOT A TWO WORD PUNCH LINE... 154 00:05:23,105 --> 00:05:24,541 AND SINCE THE MIDDLE IS OPEN 155 00:05:24,585 --> 00:05:26,717 YOU CAN DO ANYTHING WITH IT. 156 00:05:26,761 --> 00:05:28,937 IT'S LIKE A JAZZ THEME. THERE'S THE BASIC MELODY 157 00:05:28,980 --> 00:05:30,939 BUT ANYBODY CAN IMPROVISE ON IT. 158 00:05:30,982 --> 00:05:33,594 AND I CANNOT REMEMBER, FOR THE LIFE OF ME, 159 00:05:33,637 --> 00:05:36,031 WHAT THE DETAILS OF THE ACT WERE. 160 00:05:36,074 --> 00:05:37,598 I JUST KNEW, AS I WAS HEARING IT, 161 00:05:37,641 --> 00:05:39,251 YOU COULD DO WHAT YOU WANT WITH IT, 162 00:05:39,295 --> 00:05:42,385 AS LONG AS YOU GOT TO THE... "WHAT DO YOU CALL THE ACT?" 163 00:05:42,429 --> 00:05:43,386 "THE ARISTOCRATS". 164 00:05:43,430 --> 00:05:45,301 YOU JUST WANT TO SHOCK THE PEOPLE 165 00:05:45,345 --> 00:05:47,259 SO THAT WHEN YOU COME BACK, THE JUXTAPOSITION 166 00:05:47,303 --> 00:05:49,087 OF WHAT THEY CALL THEMSELVES BECOMES THE LAUGH. 167 00:05:49,131 --> 00:05:50,872 IT'S FILLED WITH VULGARITY. 168 00:05:50,915 --> 00:05:53,091 IT'S NOT KIND OF VULGAR. IT'S... IT'S REVOLTING. 169 00:05:53,135 --> 00:05:54,179 YOU'RE DISGUSTING 170 00:05:54,223 --> 00:05:55,485 AND THEN THE PUNCHLINE. 171 00:05:55,529 --> 00:05:58,227 AND THEN THE PUNCHLINE IS SORT OF UPLIFTING. 172 00:05:58,270 --> 00:05:59,968 THE MORE VULGAR IT IS, 173 00:06:00,011 --> 00:06:01,926 THE MORE IRONIC BECOMES THE PUNCHLINE. 174 00:06:01,970 --> 00:06:04,102 THE MORE GROTESQUERIES, THE BETTER OF IT. 175 00:06:04,146 --> 00:06:06,757 THAT'S THE CRAFT OF... THE ART IS... IS HOW YOU MAKE THAT TURN. 176 00:06:06,801 --> 00:06:08,455 THAT'S THE THING YOU CAN'T... YOU CAN'T BOTTLE, 177 00:06:08,498 --> 00:06:09,717 'CAUSE THAT'S A PERFORMANCE THING. 178 00:06:09,760 --> 00:06:12,807 GUY GOES IN THE AGENT'S OFFICE AND HE SAYS, 179 00:06:12,850 --> 00:06:16,506 "I GOT AN ACT FOR YOU. WAIT'LL YOU HEAR THIS." 180 00:06:16,550 --> 00:06:18,639 THE GUY SAYS, "ALL RIGHT, TELL ME A LITTLE ABOUT IT. WHAT'S THE ACT?" 181 00:06:18,682 --> 00:06:21,511 HE SAYS, "MY WIFE AND I COME OUT ON STAGE. 182 00:06:21,555 --> 00:06:24,035 I'VE TAKEN A LOT OF, UH, MEDICINE 183 00:06:24,079 --> 00:06:25,776 PRIOR TO THE APPEARANCE, 184 00:06:25,820 --> 00:06:28,953 AND I'VE EATEN A LOT OF CABBAGES AND THINGS. 185 00:06:28,997 --> 00:06:31,260 SHE LIES DOWN ON STAGE. 186 00:06:31,303 --> 00:06:34,263 I SQUAT OVER HER, I PULL DOWN MY PANTS, 187 00:06:34,306 --> 00:06:36,874 AND I SHIT IN HER MOUTH IT'S MOSTLY LIQUID. 188 00:06:36,918 --> 00:06:39,094 IT'S, UH, LIKE A DIARRHEIC THING. 189 00:06:39,137 --> 00:06:41,836 I TRY TO INCLUDE CORN AND THINGS THAT WILL NOT BREAK DOWN 190 00:06:41,879 --> 00:06:45,274 IN THE DIGESTIVE SYSTEM; PEANUTS, OF COURSE. 191 00:06:45,317 --> 00:06:47,319 I TRY TO GET A LOT OF SOLID OBJECTS 192 00:06:47,363 --> 00:06:48,756 SO THAT THERE'S A LITTLE ACTION TOO, 193 00:06:48,799 --> 00:06:51,367 IT'S NOT JUST A STREAM OF BROWN LIQUID. 194 00:06:51,411 --> 00:06:53,804 AND IT ALL GOES INTO... MOST... 195 00:06:53,848 --> 00:06:55,415 I CAN HIT HER MOUTH PRETTY WELL. 196 00:06:55,458 --> 00:06:56,807 I DO HAVE ONE POLYP. 197 00:06:56,851 --> 00:06:58,853 I HAVE A LARGE, KIND OF A HAEMORRHOIDAL POLYP 198 00:06:58,896 --> 00:07:02,117 THAT SOMETIMES THROWS MY AIM OFF AND I HAVE TO KIND OF... 199 00:07:02,160 --> 00:07:03,814 IT'S KIND OF LIKE KENTUCKY WIND-ISH, 200 00:07:03,858 --> 00:07:05,468 BUT I CAN USUALLY GET IT 'CAUSE I CAN HEAR 201 00:07:05,512 --> 00:07:08,428 WHETHER IT'S HITTING THE HOLLOW AREA OF HER THROAT OR NOT. 202 00:07:08,471 --> 00:07:11,082 SO, I GET AS MUCH AS I CAN IN THERE 203 00:07:11,126 --> 00:07:13,520 AND THEN SHE GARGLES WITH IT. WE HEAR THE GARGLING. 204 00:07:13,563 --> 00:07:17,306 SHE'S GARGLING, GARGLING, AND THEN SHE SWALLOWS IT. 205 00:07:17,349 --> 00:07:20,701 AND, UH, WE'RE OFF. IT'S ABOUT FIVE MINUTES TOTAL." 206 00:07:20,744 --> 00:07:22,442 AND THE GUY SAYS, "OH. WHAT DO YOU CALL THE ACT?" 207 00:07:22,485 --> 00:07:24,574 HE SAYS, "THE ARISTOCRATS." 208 00:07:25,836 --> 00:07:27,359 [ Laughing ] 209 00:07:27,403 --> 00:07:30,058 I WAS MAKING THAT UP. I GUESS YOU COULD TELL. 210 00:07:30,101 --> 00:07:34,018 THE FUN OF IT IS WHEN YOU IMPROVISE ON THE GROSSNESS. 211 00:07:34,062 --> 00:07:36,456 DOING THE JOHN COLTRANE VERSION OF THIS. 212 00:07:36,499 --> 00:07:38,458 THIS JOKE WAS A JOY FOR COMICS TO TELL 213 00:07:38,501 --> 00:07:42,636 MAINLY BECAUSE IT WAS SUCH A FOUL CHUNK OF TIME 214 00:07:42,679 --> 00:07:45,334 THAT YOU COULD JUST BE DESCRIBING THE MOST FOUL THINGS, 215 00:07:45,377 --> 00:07:48,250 AND THERE'S NOTHING THAT YOU COULD COME UP WITH THAT WOULD BE WRONG. 216 00:07:48,293 --> 00:07:50,905 IT'S A BLANK, UH, SLATE, AND YOU GET TO PLAY. 217 00:07:50,948 --> 00:07:52,472 YOU GET TO PLAY. 218 00:07:52,515 --> 00:07:54,691 HOW SCREWED UP... HOW MANY NEW THINGS COULD YOU THINK OF 219 00:07:54,735 --> 00:07:56,258 TO MAKE THIS GROUP OF PEOPLE TRULY BIZARRE? 220 00:07:56,301 --> 00:07:59,609 WHETHER IT'S A SHUFFLEBOARD UP A NICE ANIMAL'S BEHIND 221 00:07:59,653 --> 00:08:01,655 OR WHETHER PEOPLE ARE SWIMMING IN MANURE... 222 00:08:01,698 --> 00:08:03,395 A YOUNG GIRL COMES ON STAGE 223 00:08:03,439 --> 00:08:04,962 SINGING "NEARER MY GOD TO THEE" 224 00:08:05,006 --> 00:08:06,442 WHILE JUGGLING TORCHES. 225 00:08:06,486 --> 00:08:08,618 THESE ARE MY TWO CHILDREN. THEY PASS GAS 226 00:08:08,662 --> 00:08:11,534 TO THE TUNE OF "WHAT A WONDERFUL WORLD" IN UNISON! 227 00:08:11,578 --> 00:08:14,711 ONE OF THE SONS IS PLAYING A XYLOPHONE WITH HIS COCK. 228 00:08:14,755 --> 00:08:15,843 THEY HAVE A MIDGET UNCLE 229 00:08:15,886 --> 00:08:17,409 WITH THREE DICKS COMING OUT OF HIS HEAD. 230 00:08:17,453 --> 00:08:18,976 I COME OUT DRESSED AS HITLER 231 00:08:19,020 --> 00:08:20,674 IN CROTCH-LESS PANTIES. 232 00:08:20,717 --> 00:08:22,850 I AM CATCHING THE PING PONG BALLS, 233 00:08:22,893 --> 00:08:24,460 AND I'M CATCHING THEM IN MY ASS. 234 00:08:24,504 --> 00:08:26,070 HE CUMS ON MY WIFE'S TITS. 235 00:08:26,114 --> 00:08:27,811 WE WAIT, LIKE, A HALF AN HOUR TILL IT HARDENS, 236 00:08:27,855 --> 00:08:29,073 THEN I CHIP IT OFF WITH A CHISEL. 237 00:08:29,117 --> 00:08:30,031 SIX MIDGETS COME OUT... 238 00:08:30,074 --> 00:08:32,033 THEY HAVE SEX IN A KIDDIE POOL 239 00:08:32,076 --> 00:08:34,818 FULL OF BEEF ENTRAILS AND ABORTED FETUSES. 240 00:08:34,862 --> 00:08:36,646 LITTLE MIDGETS, THEY ALL START CUMMING, 241 00:08:36,690 --> 00:08:38,996 ONE BY ONE. [ Humming ] 242 00:08:39,040 --> 00:08:41,782 AND SHOOT FOUNTAINS OF JIZM INTO $100 SEATS. 243 00:08:41,825 --> 00:08:43,566 YOU KNOW THE FOUNTAINS OUTSIDE THE BELLAGIO, 244 00:08:43,610 --> 00:08:44,872 HOW THEY'RE COORDINATED LIKE THAT? 245 00:08:44,915 --> 00:08:46,482 THAT WAS EXACTLY WHAT THESE GUYS PULLED OFF. 246 00:08:46,526 --> 00:08:49,137 MY GRANDMOTHER, ON THE STAGE, HAS AN ABORTION! 247 00:08:49,180 --> 00:08:51,443 GIVES BIRTH TO A THREE- POUND SHETLAND PONY! 248 00:08:51,487 --> 00:08:53,881 THE KIDS ARE SIAMESE TWINS ATTACHED AT THE ASS. 249 00:08:53,924 --> 00:08:55,535 MY GRANDFATHER IS THE JOCKEY. 250 00:08:55,578 --> 00:08:57,145 COMES IN THIRD AND PAID 280! 251 00:08:57,188 --> 00:08:59,190 THE SIAMESE TWINS GIVE EACH OTHER REACH-AROUNDS 252 00:08:59,234 --> 00:09:00,714 AND JERK EACH OTHER OFF. 253 00:09:00,757 --> 00:09:02,585 [ Laughing ] 254 00:09:02,629 --> 00:09:04,108 Man: AND I DON'T KNOW WHETHER THE OBJECT 255 00:09:04,152 --> 00:09:06,154 IS TO BE AS OFFENSIVE AS POSSIBLE 256 00:09:06,197 --> 00:09:08,243 OR WHETHER TO USE IT JUDICIOUSLY IN THE RIGHT PLACES 257 00:09:08,286 --> 00:09:09,505 AS A BUILD-UP TO THE PUNCHLINE. 258 00:09:09,549 --> 00:09:10,898 I ALWAYS LIKE TO EXPLAIN HOW TO TELL THE JOKE 259 00:09:10,941 --> 00:09:13,204 SINCE EVERYBODY'S... YOU ALREADY HEARD THE JOKE. 260 00:09:13,248 --> 00:09:15,032 SO THIS IS HOW YOU... WHEN YOU WANT TO TELL THE JOKE, 261 00:09:15,076 --> 00:09:16,425 YOU HAVE TO MAKE SURE IT'S JUST REALLY FILTHY, 262 00:09:16,468 --> 00:09:17,644 THE FILTHIER THE BETTER. 263 00:09:17,687 --> 00:09:19,036 A GUY GOES INTO A TALENT AGENT'S OFFICE, 264 00:09:19,080 --> 00:09:20,081 HE SAYS, "I HAVE THE GREATEST ACT IN THE WORLD." 265 00:09:20,124 --> 00:09:21,386 TALENT AGENT SAYS, "WHAT'S THE ACT?" 266 00:09:21,430 --> 00:09:22,866 THAT'S ALL YOU GOT TO MEMORIZE. 267 00:09:22,910 --> 00:09:25,086 YOU COULD AD LIB RIGHT UP TO THE PUNCHLINE. 268 00:09:25,129 --> 00:09:26,696 ALL YOU HAD TO DO IS REMEMBER ONE WORD. 269 00:09:26,740 --> 00:09:28,655 AND THE REST OF IT IS, YOU MAKE... I ALWAYS MAKE IT UP. 270 00:09:28,698 --> 00:09:29,917 EVERY TIME I TELL IT, IT'S SOMETHING DIFFERENT. 271 00:09:29,960 --> 00:09:31,135 THEY WOULD BE NAKED. 272 00:09:31,179 --> 00:09:32,267 IT WOULD HAVE SOMETHING TO DO WITH PEEING. 273 00:09:32,310 --> 00:09:34,835 WE'RE HIGH-FLYING TRAPEZE PERFORMERS, 274 00:09:34,878 --> 00:09:37,446 WE FLY OVER THE AUDIENCE DOING TRIPLE GAINERS. 275 00:09:37,489 --> 00:09:40,014 WE PISS OVER THE FIRST THREE ROWS. 276 00:09:40,057 --> 00:09:41,450 INCLUDE FECES. 277 00:09:41,493 --> 00:09:42,712 HE TAKES A CRAP ON THE STAGE, 278 00:09:42,756 --> 00:09:44,061 JUMPS IN THE PILE OF SHIT... 279 00:09:44,105 --> 00:09:45,846 AND THEY TAKE A BIG GROUP SHIT. 280 00:09:45,889 --> 00:09:47,978 THE WOMEN SLIDE ON THEIR ASSES 281 00:09:48,022 --> 00:09:49,632 ALL THE WAY UP THROUGH THIS SHIT. 282 00:09:49,676 --> 00:09:51,634 WE JUST ROLL AROUND IN THE SHIT. 283 00:09:51,678 --> 00:09:53,462 AND THEY JUST START SKATING IN THE SHIT, SKATING... 284 00:09:53,505 --> 00:09:54,855 YOU KNOW PEOPLE SKATE IN SHIT? 285 00:09:54,898 --> 00:09:56,726 DABBLES IN THE SHIT AND THEY DO A LITTLE DANCE, 286 00:09:56,770 --> 00:09:58,423 AND DABBLES IN THE PISS AND THEY DO A LITTLE DANCE. 287 00:09:58,467 --> 00:10:00,382 WABBLING IN THE SHIT AND THE PISS 288 00:10:00,425 --> 00:10:01,862 AND THEY'RE WAPPING IN EACH OTHER'S FACES! 289 00:10:01,905 --> 00:10:03,428 ONE OF THEM TAKES A SHIT, 290 00:10:03,472 --> 00:10:04,691 AND THEY ALL... AND EVERYBODY SLIDES THROUGH IT. 291 00:10:04,734 --> 00:10:05,909 THEY ALL DO. THEY SLIDE... 292 00:10:05,953 --> 00:10:07,389 DID THEY END UP IN THE SPLITS IN THE SHIT? 293 00:10:07,432 --> 00:10:08,912 THEY GO INTO THE SPLITS 294 00:10:08,956 --> 00:10:10,305 AND THEY HAVE A BIG FINISH... BUT THAT'S THE... 295 00:10:10,348 --> 00:10:11,480 THAT'S THE FINISH? 296 00:10:11,523 --> 00:10:12,655 I THOUGHT THEY PEED ON EACH OTHER TOO. 297 00:10:12,699 --> 00:10:14,352 YOU INCLUDE VOMIT. 298 00:10:14,396 --> 00:10:16,137 GETS SICK, VOMITS. EATS THE VOMIT. 299 00:10:16,180 --> 00:10:17,704 EVERYBODY STARTS PUKING. 300 00:10:17,747 --> 00:10:18,835 AND THEN ONE OF THEM VOMITED ON... 301 00:10:18,879 --> 00:10:20,358 AND THAT MADE EVERYBODY ELSE SICK. 302 00:10:20,402 --> 00:10:23,187 WAIT, WAIT, WAIT. THATMADE EVERYBODY SICK? 303 00:10:23,231 --> 00:10:25,755 HEY, SHIT AND PEE, NO PROBLEM. 304 00:10:25,799 --> 00:10:26,713 YEAH, BUT THE VOMIT... 305 00:10:26,756 --> 00:10:27,888 YOU ADD VOMIT, FORGET IT! 306 00:10:27,931 --> 00:10:29,803 SO IT'S GOT A LOT... IT'S EDGE HUMOUR. 307 00:10:29,846 --> 00:10:31,413 IT'S PUSHING THE EDGE OF WHAT YOU CAN TAKE. 308 00:10:31,456 --> 00:10:32,762 AND ONCE THE EDGE IS CROSSED, 309 00:10:32,806 --> 00:10:34,416 THEN YOU START GETTING HYSTERICAL. 310 00:10:34,459 --> 00:10:36,200 ME AND MY WIFE COME UP ON STAGE. 311 00:10:36,244 --> 00:10:37,724 SHE TAKES A DUMP IN THIS BIG METAL BUCKET. 312 00:10:37,767 --> 00:10:39,160 SHE'S GOT A BUCKET OF SHIT. 313 00:10:39,203 --> 00:10:40,509 SHE POURS IT ON THE GUY'S HEAD. 314 00:10:40,552 --> 00:10:42,076 MY SON, THE LITTLE ONE, HE'S THREE YEARS OLD... 315 00:10:42,119 --> 00:10:43,643 THIS IS THE PART THAT'S ADORABLE... 316 00:10:43,686 --> 00:10:45,688 TAKES A BUCKET OF SHIT, THROWS IT IN HER FACE. 317 00:10:45,732 --> 00:10:47,690 SHE THEN TAKES THE BUCKET OF PUKE, SHIT AND PISS, 318 00:10:47,734 --> 00:10:49,213 PUTS IT OVER HER HEAD LIKE A HELMET, 319 00:10:49,257 --> 00:10:50,214 STARTS PARADING AROUND ON STAGE 320 00:10:50,258 --> 00:10:51,738 LIKE A LITTLE MIDGET NAZI. 321 00:10:51,781 --> 00:10:54,828 SUCH DISGUSTING REFERENCES, ONE AFTER ANOTHER. 322 00:10:54,871 --> 00:10:56,220 IT KIND OF MAKES ITS OWN GRAVY, 323 00:10:56,264 --> 00:10:57,657 THIS JOKE. 324 00:10:57,700 --> 00:11:00,442 IT'S A DISGUSTING JOKE. IT'S SHIT. 325 00:11:00,485 --> 00:11:01,835 BUT THE ONLY REASON I COULD SAY THAT 326 00:11:01,878 --> 00:11:04,228 IS BECAUSE I'M REALLY KIND OF AN ARISTOCRAT. 327 00:11:04,272 --> 00:11:04,968 [ Laughing ] 328 00:11:06,535 --> 00:11:08,189 DO THEY ACTUALLY EAT SHIT 329 00:11:08,232 --> 00:11:10,017 AT ANY POINT DURING THE ACT? OH, ABSOLUTELY. 330 00:11:10,060 --> 00:11:11,845 I'VE HEARD SHITTING AND EATING IT... 331 00:11:11,888 --> 00:11:13,977 SHE REACHES INTO THE BACK OF GRANDPA'S DIAPERS, 332 00:11:14,021 --> 00:11:16,240 PULLS OUT A BALL OF SHIT, STARTS EATING IT LIKE AN APPLE. 333 00:11:16,284 --> 00:11:19,113 I'VE HEARD BRINGING ANIMALS AND BESTIALITY INTO IT. 334 00:11:19,156 --> 00:11:20,680 I FORGOT THE DOG! THERE'S A DOG TOO! 335 00:11:20,723 --> 00:11:22,594 AND THE DOG, OH, HO! 336 00:11:22,638 --> 00:11:24,379 THEN THE DOG FUCKS THE GIRL... 337 00:11:24,422 --> 00:11:25,946 THAT'S CALLED BESTIALITY. 338 00:11:25,989 --> 00:11:27,338 Man: YES... IT'S IN THE BIBLE. 339 00:11:27,382 --> 00:11:28,296 IT'S IN MY DIARY. 340 00:11:28,339 --> 00:11:30,515 [ Hooting ] 341 00:11:30,559 --> 00:11:32,692 HE SAID IT'S IN HIS DIARY. 342 00:11:34,041 --> 00:11:35,433 AND I KNEW HIS DOG. 343 00:11:35,477 --> 00:11:38,741 I'VE HEARD, UH... 344 00:11:38,785 --> 00:11:41,439 MAYBE WE COULD DO A VERSION. [ Laughing ] 345 00:11:41,483 --> 00:11:43,311 IT'S UNBELIEVABLE ALONG WITH THE DOG, 346 00:11:43,354 --> 00:11:44,704 BUT THE ENTIRE FAMILY IS INVOLVED. 347 00:11:44,747 --> 00:11:46,575 IT'S A FAMILY ACT, 348 00:11:46,618 --> 00:11:49,447 WHICH ADDS SUCH A FUCKED-UP DIMENSION TO IT ANYWAY. 349 00:11:49,491 --> 00:11:52,624 YOU INCLUDE CHILDREN IN THE ACT, UNSPEAKABLE ACTS 350 00:11:52,668 --> 00:11:55,410 THAT THE CHILDREN WERE PERFORMING WITH AND ON EACH OTHER. 351 00:11:55,453 --> 00:11:57,238 PEOPLE CAN GET UP ON STAGE 352 00:11:57,281 --> 00:11:59,631 IF THEY WANT TO, YOU KNOW, FINGER MY NIECE 353 00:11:59,675 --> 00:12:00,981 OR TOUCH MY NEPHEW'S PENIS. 354 00:12:01,024 --> 00:12:03,287 THERE SHOULD BE HIGH-RISK BEHAVIOURS, 355 00:12:03,331 --> 00:12:06,595 MIXING OF BODY FLUIDS, BLOOD FROM EVERY HOLE. 356 00:12:06,638 --> 00:12:07,901 A LOT OF YOU ARE PROBABLY SAYING, 357 00:12:07,944 --> 00:12:10,425 "WELL, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, BACKTRACK A LITTLE HERE. 358 00:12:10,468 --> 00:12:12,688 WHERE DID THE BLOOD COME FROM? 359 00:12:12,732 --> 00:12:14,690 YOU DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT BLOOD." 360 00:12:14,734 --> 00:12:18,302 WELL, IF A GUY IS FIST FUCKING HIS DAUGHTER, 361 00:12:18,346 --> 00:12:21,044 WHO'S YOUNG AND HER ASSHOLE IS PRETTY SMALL, 362 00:12:21,088 --> 00:12:23,786 AND THIS IS A GROWN MAN WITH A BIG HAND. 363 00:12:23,830 --> 00:12:26,136 HE COULD BE LIKE A LONGSHOREMAN. 364 00:12:26,180 --> 00:12:28,791 HE COULD HAVE ARMS LIKE POPEYE, 365 00:12:28,835 --> 00:12:30,924 WHERE IT'S LIKE THE ARM IS LIKE THAT WIDE 366 00:12:30,967 --> 00:12:32,882 AND HER ASSHOLE IS THAT SMALL. 367 00:12:32,926 --> 00:12:35,102 THINK ABOUT THAT FOR A SECOND, I'LL WAIT. 368 00:12:35,145 --> 00:12:37,278 WELL, NATURALLY SHE'S GOING TO BE BLEEDING! 369 00:12:37,321 --> 00:12:38,801 I'M JUST MAKING A POINT. 370 00:12:38,845 --> 00:12:41,064 THE PEOPLE ARE ABUSING EACH OTHER. 371 00:12:41,108 --> 00:12:42,587 THERE'S INCEST. 372 00:12:42,631 --> 00:12:45,373 ...AND ALL THE THINGS THAT CROSS LINES. 373 00:12:45,416 --> 00:12:49,290 SO YOU GET TO PLAY WITH PEOPLE'S, UH, LITTLE DANGER ZONES. 374 00:12:49,333 --> 00:12:51,771 I FUCKED MY WIFE! I FUCKED MY SISTER! I FUCKED MY SON! 375 00:12:51,814 --> 00:12:53,903 EVERYBODY'S FUCKED. FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK. 376 00:12:53,947 --> 00:12:56,079 IT'S LIKE A TOURETTE'S SYNDROME JOKE. 377 00:12:56,123 --> 00:12:58,473 I'M HORRIFIED AND YET DRAWN TO IT. 378 00:12:58,516 --> 00:13:01,041 IT'S LIKE A DOG WITH THREE LEGS. 379 00:13:01,084 --> 00:13:03,391 YOU DON'T WANT TO LOOK BUT YOU JUST... 380 00:13:03,434 --> 00:13:05,045 IT'S A PERFECT JOKE. 381 00:13:05,088 --> 00:13:08,265 JUST HEARING OUT LOUD DESCRIPTIONS OF GIDDY, 382 00:13:08,309 --> 00:13:10,354 SHIT-COVERED INCEST... 383 00:13:10,398 --> 00:13:13,140 AND OTHER POEMS BY MAYA ANGELO. 384 00:13:13,183 --> 00:13:15,882 IT IS THE ONE JOKE WHERE YOU GET TO... 385 00:13:15,925 --> 00:13:19,668 INVENT EVERY SICK ACT YOU COULD IMAGINE, 386 00:13:19,711 --> 00:13:21,801 LOAD IT UP INTO THIS JOKE, 387 00:13:21,844 --> 00:13:23,846 AND NEVER ACTUALLY BE ACCUSED OF GILDING THE LILY. 388 00:13:23,890 --> 00:13:25,500 SO THE WAY I HEARD IT WAS... 389 00:13:25,543 --> 00:13:27,371 IT WAS ALWAYS A VERY SWEET BEGINNING. 390 00:13:27,415 --> 00:13:30,897 THAT WAS WHAT KILLED ME, THE SWEETNESS OF THE GUY WHO WALKS IN, 391 00:13:30,940 --> 00:13:34,161 KNOCKS ON THIS VERY TALENTED TALENT AGENCY AND SAYS, "WE HAVE AN ACT. 392 00:13:34,204 --> 00:13:36,598 I WAS WONDERING IF I COULD HAVE JUST A MOMENT OF YOUR TIME. WE HAVE..." 393 00:13:36,641 --> 00:13:38,513 "GO AHEAD. YOU HAVE ONE MINUTE TO TELL ME ABOUT YOUR ACT." 394 00:13:38,556 --> 00:13:40,384 HE SAYS, "WELL, IT'S A VERY DIFFERENT ACT. 395 00:13:40,428 --> 00:13:41,995 IT'S A BIT OF A NOVELTY. 396 00:13:42,038 --> 00:13:43,344 IT'S MYSELF, MY WIFE AND MY KIDS. 397 00:13:43,387 --> 00:13:44,649 FIRST I COME OUT. I'M IN A TUXEDO. 398 00:13:44,693 --> 00:13:46,651 MY WIFE IS IN A GOWN. WE TAKE A BOW. 399 00:13:46,695 --> 00:13:47,957 THE MUSIC STARTS. WE DO A LITTLE DANCE. 400 00:13:48,001 --> 00:13:50,394 MY WIFE LIFTS HER SKIRT, I START FUCKING MY WIFE. 401 00:13:50,438 --> 00:13:52,440 SHE STARTS SUCKING ME. MY SON COMES IN, HE DROPS HIS DRAWERS, 402 00:13:52,483 --> 00:13:53,833 NOW HE'S FUCKING MY WIFE. 403 00:13:53,876 --> 00:13:55,878 I HAVE A DAUGHTER, SHE'S 15. SHE COMES IN. 404 00:13:55,922 --> 00:13:57,401 SO NOW MY WIFE IS GOING DOWN ON MY SON, 405 00:13:57,445 --> 00:13:59,142 MY SON'S GOT HIS ARM UP MY DAUGHTER, 406 00:13:59,186 --> 00:14:01,057 MY DAUGHTER'S GIVING ME HEAD, IT'S A BEAUTIFUL THING. 407 00:14:01,101 --> 00:14:03,320 AND THE MUSIC COMES TO A BIG FINISH. WE'RE ALL FUCKING, 408 00:14:03,364 --> 00:14:04,844 AND THEN EVERYTHING IS JUST EVERYBODY'S. 409 00:14:04,887 --> 00:14:06,628 AT ONE POINT MY DAUGHTER IS ON HER BACK, 410 00:14:06,671 --> 00:14:09,587 SHE'S... SHE'S GRABBING BOTH MY SON AND MYSELF IN BOTH HANDS, 411 00:14:09,631 --> 00:14:11,894 MY WIFE IS SINGING, AND THEN WE ALL DROP OUR DRAWERS 412 00:14:11,938 --> 00:14:13,243 AND TAKE A HUGE SHIT ON THE STAGE." 413 00:14:13,287 --> 00:14:14,984 THE GUY SAYS, "WOW, THAT'S A HELL OF AN ACT. 414 00:14:15,028 --> 00:14:16,464 WHAT... WHAT DO YOU CALL YOURSELVES?" 415 00:14:16,507 --> 00:14:18,509 HE SAYS, "THE ARISTOCRATS." 416 00:14:18,553 --> 00:14:21,208 SO THERE IS THE JOKE, THAT YOU... GET TO ACTUALLY SAY 417 00:14:21,251 --> 00:14:23,906 THAT SOMEBODY HAD, UH, THEIR ARM UP THEIR DAUGHTER, 418 00:14:23,950 --> 00:14:25,386 WHICH IS... YOU DON'T REALLY HEAR OFTEN. 419 00:14:25,429 --> 00:14:27,040 SOME PEOPLE, WHEN THEY TELL IT, 420 00:14:27,083 --> 00:14:29,825 REALLY FOCUS ON THE FECAL MATTER. 421 00:14:29,869 --> 00:14:33,263 OTHER PEOPLE REALLY FOCUS ON THE INCEST. 422 00:14:33,307 --> 00:14:34,917 AND TO ME, IN MY OWN PERSONAL LIFE, 423 00:14:34,961 --> 00:14:37,659 THOSE TWO ARE RARELY, IF EVER, SEPARATE. 424 00:14:37,702 --> 00:14:40,053 SO, SHOCK IS ONLY ONE THING THAT HAPP... 425 00:14:40,096 --> 00:14:42,185 I THINK THAT SOMETHING HAPPENS ALONG THE WAY; IT COMES WITH IT. 426 00:14:42,229 --> 00:14:44,709 THE OTHER THING IS THERE'S THE ART OF THE JOKE. 427 00:14:44,753 --> 00:14:46,842 YOU HAVE TO SAY PEE FIRST INSTEAD OF SHIT FIRST. 428 00:14:46,886 --> 00:14:48,800 THEN YOU GO TO FUCK, OR THEN YOU GO TO FUCK 429 00:14:48,844 --> 00:14:50,933 AND THEN YOU GO TO PEE AND GO TO SHIT. I DON'T KNOW WHICH. 430 00:14:50,977 --> 00:14:52,413 I PREFER TO PEE FIRST. 431 00:14:52,456 --> 00:14:54,589 TO ME, YOU GOT TO SAVE THE SCATOLOGICAL FOR THE END. 432 00:14:54,632 --> 00:14:56,547 IF YOU PUT IT IN THE MIDDLE, YOU HAVE NOTHING LEFT TO CLOSE. 433 00:14:56,591 --> 00:14:58,071 SO, IT'S GOT TO BE FUCK, FUCK, SUCK AND FUCK, 434 00:14:58,114 --> 00:15:00,116 AND THEN TOP OF THAT, TOOK A BIG SHIT. 435 00:15:00,160 --> 00:15:02,075 YOU NEED THAT SEPARATION, I FEEL, 436 00:15:02,118 --> 00:15:04,338 OTHERWISE, IT'S CHAOS. 437 00:15:04,381 --> 00:15:06,862 THE WAY I'VE GOT IT, INCEST IS NEXT TO SHIT-EATING. 438 00:15:06,906 --> 00:15:08,820 DOG-FUCKING... Man: DOG-FUCKING. 439 00:15:08,864 --> 00:15:10,039 I'M ALL ABOUT DOG-FUCKING. 440 00:15:10,083 --> 00:15:12,955 SHIT-EATING, DOG-FUCKING, INCESTUOUS? 441 00:15:12,999 --> 00:15:14,348 ME AND MY WIFE GO ON STAGE. 442 00:15:14,391 --> 00:15:16,611 WE GET UNDRESSED AND I START NAILING MY WIFE. 443 00:15:16,654 --> 00:15:18,004 AS I'M FUCKING MY WIFE, 444 00:15:18,047 --> 00:15:20,310 SHE TAKES A DUMP IN THIS BUCKET. 445 00:15:20,354 --> 00:15:22,312 MY SON COMES OUT, HE POURS KEROSENE IN THE BUCKET, 446 00:15:22,356 --> 00:15:23,618 LIGHTS IT ON FIRE. 447 00:15:23,661 --> 00:15:25,228 OUR TRAINED DOG FIFI COMES OUT, 448 00:15:25,272 --> 00:15:26,273 JUMPS THROUGH A RING OF FIRE. 449 00:15:26,316 --> 00:15:27,970 MY SON FUCKS THE DOG. 450 00:15:28,014 --> 00:15:30,190 MY DAUGHTER COMES OUT, THE DOG FUCKS MY DAUGHTER. 451 00:15:30,233 --> 00:15:32,453 WE ALL SAY, "GOOD NIGHT, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, YOU'VE BEEN GREAT!" 452 00:15:32,496 --> 00:15:33,845 STANDING OVATION EVERY TIME. 453 00:15:33,889 --> 00:15:36,283 IT STARTS WITH A LITTLE DICK-SUCKING. 454 00:15:36,326 --> 00:15:38,589 THE GALS DROP TO THEIR KNEES, START SUCKING OFF THE BOYS. 455 00:15:38,633 --> 00:15:39,939 AND LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, 456 00:15:39,982 --> 00:15:41,244 WHEN MY SEVEN- YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER 457 00:15:41,288 --> 00:15:43,594 IS GIVING A BLOW JOB TO MY ELEVEN-YEAR-OLD SON, 458 00:15:43,638 --> 00:15:44,595 IT'S PRICELESS. 459 00:15:44,639 --> 00:15:46,597 THEN WE MOVE ON TO THE FUCKING. 460 00:15:46,641 --> 00:15:49,078 BUT WE MOVE OVER ONE. 461 00:15:49,122 --> 00:15:51,515 SO NOW I'M FUCKING MY SEVEN-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER, 462 00:15:51,559 --> 00:15:53,300 MY SON IS FUCKING HIS GRANDMOTHER, 463 00:15:53,343 --> 00:15:55,476 AND MY FATHER IS FUCKING MY WIFE. 464 00:15:55,519 --> 00:15:57,782 AND THEN THE DENOUEMENT: THE BUTT-FUCKING. 465 00:15:57,826 --> 00:15:59,828 WE MOVE OVER ONE MORE TIME. 466 00:15:59,871 --> 00:16:01,656 SO I'M FUCKING MY MOTHER IN THE ASS, 467 00:16:01,699 --> 00:16:04,006 MY SON IS FUCKING HIS MOTHER IN THE ASS, 468 00:16:04,050 --> 00:16:06,226 AND MY FATHER IS FUCKING HIS GRANDDAUGHTER IN THE ASS. 469 00:16:06,269 --> 00:16:08,489 THE MEN PULL OUT, JERK OFF INTO A DISH, 470 00:16:08,532 --> 00:16:10,360 AND THE WOMEN SLURP IT DOWN. 471 00:16:10,404 --> 00:16:12,058 IT'S A REAL CROWD- PLEASER: FAMILY ACT. 472 00:16:12,101 --> 00:16:13,363 I GO UP ON STAGE. 473 00:16:13,407 --> 00:16:15,017 I START TO JERK OFF IN A SHOT GLASS. 474 00:16:15,061 --> 00:16:17,889 MY WIFE COMES OUT, TAKES A BELT OF MY SPLUGE, 475 00:16:17,933 --> 00:16:20,066 TAKES OFF HER SKIRT, SHITS IN A BUCKET. 476 00:16:20,109 --> 00:16:22,720 MY SON PULLS THE SHIT OUT OF THE BUCKET AND STARTS JUGGLING IT 477 00:16:22,764 --> 00:16:24,635 WHILE HE'S PISSING INTO THE MOUTH OF HIS OLDER SISTER 478 00:16:24,679 --> 00:16:26,986 WHO'S BEING BUTT-FUCKED BY THE FAMILY DOG. 479 00:16:27,029 --> 00:16:29,858 GRANDPA DROPS HIS PANTS, STARTS FUCKING THE DOG IN THE ASS. 480 00:16:29,901 --> 00:16:32,469 AND THE WHOLE SHOW ENDS WITH A BIG CIRCLE JERK AROUND GRANDMA. 481 00:16:32,513 --> 00:16:34,384 AND HERE'S THE KICKER: GRANDMA'S DEAD. 482 00:16:37,126 --> 00:16:40,825 I MEAN, IT HAS TO BE REALLY FILTHY-DIRTY, THE ACT. 483 00:16:40,869 --> 00:16:42,131 IT SHOULD START OFF... 484 00:16:42,175 --> 00:16:44,090 LET'S SAY IT JUST STARTS OFF KIND OF TITILLATING, 485 00:16:44,133 --> 00:16:46,831 AND THEN IT TURNS PORNOGRAPHIC. I MEAN, 486 00:16:46,875 --> 00:16:48,485 AND THEN IT STARTS TO BE THE KIND OF THING WHERE, 487 00:16:48,529 --> 00:16:50,487 IF YOUR DAUGHTER WAS INVOLVED, 488 00:16:50,531 --> 00:16:53,708 YOU'D HAVE TO GO AND HELP HER, YOU KNOW, AT ANY COST. 489 00:16:53,751 --> 00:16:55,014 THE POLICE MIGHT NOT EVEN STEP IN. 490 00:16:55,057 --> 00:16:58,365 THEN THE TALENT AGENT SAYS, "THAT'S AWFUL. 491 00:16:58,408 --> 00:17:00,367 WHAT DO YOU CALL THE ACT?" LIKE, HE WANTS TO KNOW 492 00:17:00,410 --> 00:17:01,890 AFTER HEAR... THEN HE, LIKE, THE NAME'S THE IMPORTANT THING. 493 00:17:01,933 --> 00:17:03,587 WHICH I DON'T UNDERSTAND, WHY HE WOULD SAY THAT. 494 00:17:03,631 --> 00:17:05,633 I THINK IT WOU... 'CAUSE IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT IT'S CALLED 495 00:17:05,676 --> 00:17:08,070 BECAUSE NO ONE IS GOING TO BOOK THIS SHOW. 496 00:17:08,114 --> 00:17:10,986 WHERE DID THESE PEOPLE FIND EMPLOYMENT? 497 00:17:11,030 --> 00:17:12,553 HOW DID THEY DEVELOP THIS ACT? 498 00:17:12,596 --> 00:17:15,425 WHAT MADE THEM THINK THAT THIS WAS ENTERTAINING? 499 00:17:15,469 --> 00:17:17,427 I MEAN, IT'S SURPRISING THAT THEY HAVEN'T... 500 00:17:17,471 --> 00:17:18,994 THAT THEY'RE NOT ALL IN JAIL. 501 00:17:19,038 --> 00:17:21,910 I MEAN... AND WAITING THE DEATH PENALTY. 502 00:17:21,953 --> 00:17:23,651 I MEAN, I THINK YOU CAN PUT PEOPLE TO DEATH 503 00:17:23,694 --> 00:17:26,175 FOR WHAT GOES ON IN THE BEST VERSIONS OF THIS JOKE. 504 00:17:26,219 --> 00:17:27,829 'COURSE, YOU'RE PROBABLY SAYING, 505 00:17:27,872 --> 00:17:30,745 IF YOU HAVE ANY SENSE OF HUMAN DECENCY, 506 00:17:30,788 --> 00:17:33,530 YOU SAY, "WELL, WHY DIDN'T HE STOP THEM 507 00:17:33,574 --> 00:17:37,099 THE MINUTE HE SAW THE FATHER UNZIPPING HIS PANTS 508 00:17:37,143 --> 00:17:40,450 AND SAY, 'THIS IS TOTALLY WRONG! CALL THE COPS, 509 00:17:40,494 --> 00:17:42,974 SOMETHING HORRIBLE'S HAPPENING. 510 00:17:43,018 --> 00:17:47,109 THIS IS A FAMILY WHO ARE RAPING THEIR OWN CHILDREN 511 00:17:47,153 --> 00:17:49,894 AND PERFORMING BESTIALITY.' 512 00:17:49,938 --> 00:17:53,681 WHY, OH WHY, IS HE ALLOWING THIS TO HAPPEN?" 513 00:17:53,724 --> 00:17:55,117 BUT THAT'S A WHOLE OTHER STORY. 514 00:17:55,161 --> 00:17:56,597 BUT ANYWAY, HE SAYS, "WHAT IS IT CALLED?" 515 00:17:56,640 --> 00:17:57,685 BECAUSE IN A JOKE, THAT'S WHAT HAPP... 516 00:17:57,728 --> 00:17:59,078 PEOPLE JUST SAY, "WHAT IS IT C..." 517 00:17:59,121 --> 00:18:03,212 THERE'S NO LEGAL SYSTEM AT ALL IN PLAY IN A JOKE. 518 00:18:03,256 --> 00:18:06,041 THEN THE GUY GOES, "THE ARISTOCRATS". 519 00:18:06,085 --> 00:18:07,782 AND I ALWAYS THROW IN THAT. [ Snapping of fingers ] 520 00:18:07,825 --> 00:18:09,523 [ Laughing ] 521 00:18:09,566 --> 00:18:11,220 THAT SEEMS TO MAKE TO WHOLE JOKE. "THE ARISTOCRATS". 522 00:18:11,264 --> 00:18:12,482 "THE ARISTOCRATS". 523 00:18:12,526 --> 00:18:13,831 OH YEAH. THAT'S GREAT. 524 00:18:13,875 --> 00:18:15,137 "THE ARISTOCRATS"! 525 00:18:15,181 --> 00:18:17,139 [ Laughing ] 526 00:18:17,183 --> 00:18:18,880 HE'S GOING, "I THINK IT'S ALL IN THE SNAP." 527 00:18:18,923 --> 00:18:19,576 [ Laughing ] 528 00:18:21,796 --> 00:18:23,058 IT WAS FOR DREW. 529 00:18:23,102 --> 00:18:24,755 NOW, HOW MANY PEOPLE DO THAT WHEN THEY TELL IT? 530 00:18:24,799 --> 00:18:26,105 Man: ONE. THIS... AND I'M THE ONLY ONE? 531 00:18:26,148 --> 00:18:27,454 YEAH. REALLY? 532 00:18:27,497 --> 00:18:29,238 YEAH. OH MAN, I ALWAYS LIKE... 533 00:18:29,282 --> 00:18:30,544 THAT'S... I ALWAYS TELL IT LIKE THAT. 534 00:18:30,587 --> 00:18:31,762 THEY DO... WHAT DO THEY DO, THAT, OR...? 535 00:18:31,806 --> 00:18:33,112 "THE ARISTOCRATS". 536 00:18:33,155 --> 00:18:34,591 [ With foreign accent ] "THE ARISTOCRATS". 537 00:18:34,635 --> 00:18:36,419 "THE ARISTOCRATS"! [ Chuckling ] 538 00:18:36,463 --> 00:18:37,464 "THE ARISTOC..." [ Laughing ] 539 00:18:40,945 --> 00:18:44,166 I NEVER MAKE IT TO THE END. I CRUMBLE. 540 00:18:44,210 --> 00:18:45,689 I SAY... NO, IT'S THE LOVELIEST JOKE. 541 00:18:45,733 --> 00:18:47,604 WHOEVER TOLD IT TO ME, "WHEN THEY FINISH, 542 00:18:47,648 --> 00:18:49,780 THEY'RE COVERED IN SWEAT AND THEY'RE COVERED IN CUM 543 00:18:49,824 --> 00:18:50,999 AND THEY'RE COVERED IN SHIT, 544 00:18:51,042 --> 00:18:52,131 AND LIKE..." [ Panting heavily ] 545 00:18:56,004 --> 00:18:58,093 "WHAT DO YOU CALL YOURSELVES?" 546 00:18:58,137 --> 00:19:00,008 "THE ARISTOCRATS!" 547 00:19:00,051 --> 00:19:01,923 AH, IT'S SO GREAT. 548 00:19:01,966 --> 00:19:03,316 TELL DREW I AT LEAST WENT LIKE THIS. 549 00:19:05,144 --> 00:19:06,057 "THE ARISTOCRATS". 550 00:19:06,101 --> 00:19:06,971 OH NO, I LIKE... 551 00:19:08,582 --> 00:19:09,757 THAT'S REALLY ALL THERE IS TO IT. 552 00:19:09,800 --> 00:19:12,238 YOU HAVE TO HAVE, LIKE, BLOOD, SHIT, PISS, 553 00:19:12,281 --> 00:19:13,891 AND THEN, UM, THIS. 554 00:19:15,806 --> 00:19:18,200 SO, UH, THIS COCKSUC... WHAT WAS IT? 555 00:19:18,244 --> 00:19:21,725 THIS COCKSUCKER FUCKS HIS... THERE'S SHIT EVERYWHERE. 556 00:19:21,769 --> 00:19:23,423 THE COCKSUCKER GOES INTO A FUCKING... 557 00:19:23,466 --> 00:19:25,947 AND SOMETHING FECAL. 558 00:19:25,990 --> 00:19:28,776 FETAL OR FECAL? NO, FETAL IS FETAL. 559 00:19:28,819 --> 00:19:30,256 AND THE AGENT IS FUCKING THE DOG... 560 00:19:30,299 --> 00:19:31,996 THE POPE IN THE CORNER... 561 00:19:32,040 --> 00:19:33,868 THE TROUBLE IS, I'VE NEVER HEARD THIS JOKE. 562 00:19:33,911 --> 00:19:36,784 THE WHOLE SHIT THING... I THINK IT'S JUST, UH... 563 00:19:36,827 --> 00:19:38,960 BUT YOU KNOW, THE PUNCHLINE DOESN'T WORK. 564 00:19:39,003 --> 00:19:40,048 THIS GUY SAYS, "I'VE GOT THIS ACT." 565 00:19:40,091 --> 00:19:41,310 HE SAYS, "IT'S A FAMILY ACT." 566 00:19:41,354 --> 00:19:43,138 AND THE GUY SAYS, "I GOT SHIT EVERYWHERE. 567 00:19:43,182 --> 00:19:44,618 I DON'T WANT A FAMILY ACT." 568 00:19:44,661 --> 00:19:45,793 NO, NO, THAT COULD WORK. 569 00:19:45,836 --> 00:19:48,622 THE GUY, HE SAYS, "WHAT DO YOU WANT?" 570 00:19:48,665 --> 00:19:50,493 HE SAYS, "I WANT... AM I BOTHERING YOU?" 571 00:19:51,320 --> 00:19:52,539 YOU DO IT GOOD. HAVE YOU DONE IT? 572 00:19:52,582 --> 00:19:54,236 GIVE IT TO ME, I'LL FILM YOU NOW. 573 00:19:54,280 --> 00:19:56,238 IT TAKES A LOT MORE SKILL THAN IT LOOKS LIKE TO... 574 00:19:56,282 --> 00:19:59,154 TO TELL IT WELL. ALL RIGHT, HERE IT IS. 575 00:19:59,198 --> 00:20:01,939 THREE PEOPLE WALK INTO A THEATRICAL AGENT'S OFFICE 576 00:20:01,983 --> 00:20:03,680 AND THEY SAY, "WE HAVE AN ACT TO SHOW YOU 577 00:20:03,724 --> 00:20:04,507 AND WE'RE CALLED 'THE ARISTOCRATS'." 578 00:20:05,856 --> 00:20:06,727 FUCK. 579 00:20:09,208 --> 00:20:11,471 IT'S JUST A GUY, GOES INTO A TALENT AGENT'S OFFICE. 580 00:20:11,514 --> 00:20:13,255 A LOT OF PEOPLE MAKE IT ELABORATE. DOESN'T MATTER WHERE. 581 00:20:13,299 --> 00:20:16,693 IT'S A STEAMY LITTLE HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE OFFICE. 582 00:20:16,737 --> 00:20:19,174 THERE'S BARELY R... IT'S SO FUNNY, WHENEVER I... 583 00:20:19,218 --> 00:20:21,132 YOU EVER BEEN TO JOE FRANKLIN'S OFFICE? 584 00:20:21,176 --> 00:20:24,571 Franklin: WELL, I'VE BEEN IN THIS OFFICE SINCE 2000 B.C. 585 00:20:24,614 --> 00:20:27,748 IT WAS A DIFFERENT OFFICE UNTIL THEY CONDEMNED THE BUILDING. 586 00:20:27,791 --> 00:20:29,880 FRANK SINATRA SAT HERE, BETTE MIDLER, 587 00:20:29,924 --> 00:20:32,013 BILLY CRYSTAL SAT HERE, MICHAEL JACKSON. 588 00:20:32,056 --> 00:20:33,493 JULIA ROBERTS WAS MY SECRETARY HERE. 589 00:20:33,536 --> 00:20:35,799 PRODUCED THE WORLD'S LONGEST- RUNNING TV SHOW HERE. 590 00:20:35,843 --> 00:20:37,148 I'M JOE FRANKLIN. 591 00:20:37,192 --> 00:20:38,454 IT'S THAT OFFICE. 592 00:20:38,498 --> 00:20:40,500 MAN WALKS INTO AN AGENT'S OFFICE 593 00:20:40,543 --> 00:20:42,241 AND, UH, IT'S JUST LIKE A DESK. 594 00:20:42,284 --> 00:20:44,504 YOU KNOW, A COUPLE OF CHAIRS, A TELEPHONE... 595 00:20:44,547 --> 00:20:46,332 STOP DANCING AROUND, MOTHERFUCKER, 596 00:20:46,375 --> 00:20:47,768 AND TELL THE FUCKING THING! 597 00:20:47,811 --> 00:20:49,726 PHONE... YOU KNOW, SQUARE ROOM 598 00:20:49,770 --> 00:20:51,815 LIKE A BO... ALL RIGHT ALREADY! 599 00:20:51,859 --> 00:20:53,295 YOU ARE FUCKING HORRIBLE. 600 00:20:53,339 --> 00:20:54,296 TELL THE FUCKING JOKE. 601 00:20:54,340 --> 00:20:56,255 TELL THE THING. ALL RIGHT! 602 00:20:56,298 --> 00:20:58,300 "MY WIFE COMES OUT IN A BEAUTIFUL EVENING GOWN, 603 00:20:58,344 --> 00:21:00,476 PLAYS 'TEA FOR TWO' ON THE XYLOPHONE." 604 00:21:00,520 --> 00:21:02,652 WITH HER CUNT? NO, NO, NO. 605 00:21:02,696 --> 00:21:04,393 THEN MY GRANDPARENTS COME OUT 606 00:21:04,437 --> 00:21:06,308 AND THEY SING "GOD BLESS AMERICA". 607 00:21:06,352 --> 00:21:07,483 IT'S REAL PATRIOTIC. 608 00:21:07,527 --> 00:21:09,093 WHILE FUCKING EACH OTHER? 609 00:21:09,137 --> 00:21:11,182 YECCH! EVER SEEN AN OLD WOMAN'S CUNT? 610 00:21:11,226 --> 00:21:12,575 IT LOOKS LIKE SILLY PUTTY. 611 00:21:12,619 --> 00:21:14,751 SO THEN... THEY... YOU KILLED ME. 612 00:21:14,795 --> 00:21:16,275 YOU'RE KILLING ME HERE. 613 00:21:16,318 --> 00:21:18,364 WELL, YOU'RE A LOSER. YOU CAN'T TELL A FUCKING JOKE. 614 00:21:18,407 --> 00:21:20,670 "MY SON COMES OUT, I SHOOT HIM IN THE HEAD, 615 00:21:20,714 --> 00:21:22,585 AND THEN I FUCK THE BULLET HOLE. 616 00:21:22,629 --> 00:21:24,587 AND THEN MY DAUGHTER COMES ON STAGE. 617 00:21:24,631 --> 00:21:26,763 SHE'S A REAL SEXY NINE-YEAR-OLD. 618 00:21:26,807 --> 00:21:28,678 I HIT HER ON THE HEAD WITH AN AXE HANDLE, 619 00:21:28,722 --> 00:21:30,637 BURN HER CUNT WITH A CURLING IRON, 620 00:21:30,680 --> 00:21:32,769 PUT A FISH HOOK THROUGH MY COCK, 621 00:21:32,813 --> 00:21:35,206 FUCK HER, KILL HER, AND TAKE A SHIT ON HER DEAD BODY. 622 00:21:36,512 --> 00:21:38,079 THAT'S THE KIND OF DELIVERY YOU NEED. 623 00:21:39,602 --> 00:21:40,603 COCKSUCKER. 624 00:21:40,647 --> 00:21:43,214 I ACTUALLY STRETCHED IT OUT ONCE 625 00:21:43,258 --> 00:21:44,781 TO TWO AND A HALF HOURS, 626 00:21:44,825 --> 00:21:47,349 BUT I BLEW THE PUNCHLINE. [ Laughter ] 627 00:21:47,393 --> 00:21:49,264 YOU KNOW, I GOT ALL THE WAY TO THE END. 628 00:21:49,308 --> 00:21:51,788 IT INVOLVED WHITE SLAVERY AND A ZEPPELIN RACE, 629 00:21:51,832 --> 00:21:54,225 AND THEN AT THE END I GOT, "THE ARISTOCATS"! 630 00:21:54,269 --> 00:21:55,749 "CRATS"! AAHHH! 631 00:21:55,792 --> 00:21:58,229 IT'S THE ARISTOCRATS, NOT TO BE CONFUSED 632 00:21:58,273 --> 00:22:00,449 WITH THE WONDERFUL DISNEY FILM, "THE ARISTOCATS". 633 00:22:00,493 --> 00:22:02,973 OFTEN, I WOULD GO, "BABABADA... 634 00:22:03,017 --> 00:22:04,366 HE STUCK IN... AND SHE'S DOING..." 635 00:22:04,410 --> 00:22:05,759 "WHAT DO YOU CALL YOURSELVES?" "THE ARISTOCATS". 636 00:22:05,802 --> 00:22:07,456 OH! NO, NO, NO! "THE ARISTOCRATS"! 637 00:22:07,500 --> 00:22:09,415 SO THE PEOPLE WOULD THINK THAT THAT WAS PART OF THE JOKE, 638 00:22:09,458 --> 00:22:11,982 THAT THE GUY HIMSELF GOT THE NAME WRONG 639 00:22:12,026 --> 00:22:13,680 AND THE... PEOPLE WOULD BE SAYING, 640 00:22:13,723 --> 00:22:15,638 "WHY... WHY DID HE SAY 'CATS' AND THEN 'CRATS'?" 641 00:22:15,682 --> 00:22:17,161 "HE DIDN'T, I JUST HAD A PROBLEM." 642 00:22:17,205 --> 00:22:18,641 WHICH WAS MORE ABSURD. THEY GO, "WAIT A SECOND. 643 00:22:18,685 --> 00:22:20,382 YOU HAVE A JOKE THAT TAKES 11 MINUTES TO TELL 644 00:22:20,426 --> 00:22:23,342 AND YOU DON'T REALLY UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE?" 645 00:22:23,385 --> 00:22:25,561 SO IT'S... IT WAS A BIT OF A DANGEROUS JOKE FOR ME. 646 00:22:26,519 --> 00:22:28,477 BUT I TELL IT TO YOU TO... TO HELP OTHERS, 647 00:22:28,521 --> 00:22:29,783 SO THAT THE KIDS WHO COME AFTER ME 648 00:22:29,826 --> 00:22:31,350 WON'T LIVE THE HORROR OR THE SHAME THAT I DID. 649 00:22:33,090 --> 00:22:35,049 I HATE JOKES. I CAN'T REMEMBER THEM. 650 00:22:35,092 --> 00:22:37,094 THE ONLY JOKE I COULD EVER TELL 651 00:22:37,138 --> 00:22:40,402 IS ABOUT A MAN, GOES INTO A PUB IN GLASGOW 652 00:22:40,446 --> 00:22:42,361 AND HE SEES ANOTHER GUY. 653 00:22:42,404 --> 00:22:44,363 AND THE OTHER GUY HITS HIM OVER THE HEAD WITH AN IRON BAR. 654 00:22:44,406 --> 00:22:46,539 AND HE SAYS, "HEY, OW! 655 00:22:46,582 --> 00:22:48,323 ARE YOU TRYING TO BE FUNNY?" 656 00:22:48,367 --> 00:22:49,716 AND THE GUY SAYS, "NO." 657 00:22:49,759 --> 00:22:51,413 I'M SORRY. [ Laughing ] 658 00:22:51,457 --> 00:22:53,372 I TOLD YOU, I DON'T DO JOKES. 659 00:22:53,415 --> 00:22:54,373 [ Laughter ] 660 00:22:56,157 --> 00:22:57,419 I DON'T DO JOKES 661 00:22:57,463 --> 00:22:58,986 AND I DON'T EVEN WANT TO DO THIS, 662 00:22:59,029 --> 00:23:01,118 BUT WHEN THEY BEG, IT GETS SO RIDICULOUS. 663 00:23:01,162 --> 00:23:04,165 WITH MY KIND OF THING, IT'S ALWAYS ATTITUDE. 664 00:23:04,208 --> 00:23:06,428 I'VE NEVER BEEN ONE TO PICK UP ON JOKES, TO BE VERY HONEST. 665 00:23:06,472 --> 00:23:07,647 NOT THAT THERE'S ANYTHING TO WRONG IN IT, 666 00:23:07,690 --> 00:23:08,952 BUT IT'S NEVER BEEN MY THING. 667 00:23:08,996 --> 00:23:11,346 WHEN I TOLD IT TO EMO, HE LOOKED LIKE, "MY GOD, 668 00:23:11,390 --> 00:23:13,522 THAT'S THE JOKE I SHOULD'VE WRITTEN BUT I NEVER WILL." 669 00:23:13,566 --> 00:23:15,045 I MEAN, THAT IS AN EMO JOKE. 670 00:23:15,089 --> 00:23:16,917 THESE THREE GUYS WALK IN. 671 00:23:16,960 --> 00:23:18,658 THEY SAY, "WE HAVE A GREAT, GREAT ACT." 672 00:23:18,701 --> 00:23:21,312 AND THEY ALL UNZIP THEIR FLIES AND THEY PEE ON THE FLOOR. 673 00:23:21,356 --> 00:23:22,488 THEN THEY ALL PULL DOWN THEIR PANTS AND... 674 00:23:22,531 --> 00:23:24,403 AND THEY POO ON THE FLOOR. 675 00:23:24,446 --> 00:23:26,492 AND THEN THEY ALL PUT THEIR FINGERS DOWN THEIR THROATS AND THEY VOMIT 676 00:23:26,535 --> 00:23:28,232 AND THEN THEY START SLIP-SLIDING. 677 00:23:28,276 --> 00:23:29,973 AND THE AGENT SAID, "WHAT DO YOU CALL YOURSELVES?" 678 00:23:30,017 --> 00:23:32,454 AND THEY SAID, "THE ARISTOCRATS". 679 00:23:32,498 --> 00:23:34,238 THEN THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO JUST REALLY LOVE 680 00:23:34,282 --> 00:23:36,284 THE WRITING OF THE JOKE AND THE MOOD OF THE JOKE. 681 00:23:36,327 --> 00:23:39,461 AND THE AGENT SAYS, "I LOVE IT, 682 00:23:39,505 --> 00:23:41,550 BUT I'M NOT GOING TO BOOK YOU UNTIL I SEE YOU LIVE. 683 00:23:41,594 --> 00:23:43,117 NOW I'M GOING OUT THIS WEEKEND 684 00:23:43,160 --> 00:23:44,684 TO SEE THE BUTT-FUCKING FAUNTLEROYS 685 00:23:44,727 --> 00:23:45,989 AND THE SHIT-EATING GRANNIES. 686 00:23:46,033 --> 00:23:48,122 PRESUMING I LIKE YOU AS MUCH AS I THINK I WILL, 687 00:23:48,165 --> 00:23:49,428 LET ME ASK YOU THIS. 688 00:23:49,471 --> 00:23:53,344 ARE YOU MARRIED TO THE NAME 'THE ARISTOCRATS'?" 689 00:23:53,388 --> 00:23:55,651 THERE'S A SLIGHTLY MORE WRITER-LY VERSION OF THE JOKE. 690 00:23:55,695 --> 00:24:00,308 A MANAGER IS TRYING TO SELL PERFORMERS TO A CLUB OWNER, 691 00:24:00,351 --> 00:24:03,354 AND THE CLUB OWNER GOES, "OKAY, YEAH. WHAT'S YOUR ACT DO?" 692 00:24:03,398 --> 00:24:05,835 "THERE'S A GIRL COMES OUT AND SHE SUCKS OFF A DONKEY, 693 00:24:05,879 --> 00:24:07,750 AND THE GUY COMES OUT, PISSES ON THE GIRL, 694 00:24:07,794 --> 00:24:09,535 THEN HE PISSES ON THE DONKEY." 695 00:24:09,578 --> 00:24:12,015 HE SAYS, "LISTEN, WE... WE HAVE A CLASSY JOINT HERE. 696 00:24:12,059 --> 00:24:13,582 I'M NOT SURE THAT'S THE KIND OF ACT..." 697 00:24:13,626 --> 00:24:15,497 "WELL, WAIT! YOU'LL REALLY ENJOY 'THE ARISTOCRATS'." 698 00:24:15,541 --> 00:24:17,586 THE MANAGER HAD TO COME UP QUICKLY WITH A NAME 699 00:24:17,630 --> 00:24:19,936 TO TRY AND SELL THE GROUP, SO THERE'S MOTIVATION THERE. 700 00:24:19,980 --> 00:24:22,330 AND IT'S A FEEL-GOOD ENDING. [ Chuckling ] 701 00:24:22,373 --> 00:24:24,158 GETS YOU HERE AND GETS YOU HERE. YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING? 702 00:24:24,201 --> 00:24:26,247 I LIKE TO THINK THE MANAGER'S LYING, 703 00:24:26,290 --> 00:24:27,944 THAT THEY DON'T DO ALL THAT STUFF. 704 00:24:27,988 --> 00:24:29,555 THEY SING AND THEY'RE FUNNY, 705 00:24:29,598 --> 00:24:31,905 BUT HE NOW HAS TO BACK AND SAY, "LISTEN, I'VE SOLD YOU. 706 00:24:31,948 --> 00:24:34,690 BUT THERE'S THIS OTHER THING YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO DO. 707 00:24:34,734 --> 00:24:36,562 YOU KNOW, YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO SHAG A DONKEY 708 00:24:36,605 --> 00:24:38,302 AND SHIT IN A..." "WHAT?" 709 00:24:38,346 --> 00:24:40,043 "WITH THE GUY'S SAXOPHONE." "THE F... 710 00:24:40,087 --> 00:24:42,393 THE FUCKING WHAT? WHAT WAS THAT DONKEY SHIT?" 711 00:24:42,437 --> 00:24:45,179 AND OF COURSE, EVERYBODY'S STYLE IN TELLING THE JOKE. 712 00:24:45,222 --> 00:24:47,398 SO THE WILLIAM MORRIS OFFICE WANTS TO WORK WITH THIS ACT. 713 00:24:47,442 --> 00:24:49,313 IT'S A... IT'S A FAMILY ACT. 714 00:24:49,357 --> 00:24:50,663 THAT SOUNDS LIKE IT'D GO WITH THE SMOTHERS BROTHERS. 715 00:24:50,706 --> 00:24:51,620 A FAMILY OPENING ACT. WHAT DO 716 00:24:51,664 --> 00:24:52,969 THEY DO? YEAH. 717 00:24:53,013 --> 00:24:55,581 THEY... THEY DO SOME JUGGLING. [ Stammering ] 718 00:24:55,624 --> 00:24:56,843 IT'S A JUGGLING ACT? JUGGLING THING. 719 00:24:56,886 --> 00:24:59,541 AND THEN THE FATHER DROPS ONE OF THE CLUBS 720 00:24:59,585 --> 00:25:01,978 AND ASKS HIS SON TO PICK IT UP, SO HIS... 721 00:25:02,022 --> 00:25:04,894 DAD JUST KNEES HIM RIGHT IN THE BALLS. 722 00:25:04,938 --> 00:25:06,287 YOU'RE PUTTING ME ON, AREN'T YOU? NO, NO, NO. 723 00:25:06,330 --> 00:25:08,637 THEN... THE MOTHER DOES A TOPLESS THING 724 00:25:08,681 --> 00:25:09,943 AND, UH... OH, GET OUT OF HERE. 725 00:25:09,986 --> 00:25:12,075 GOES DOWN ON THE FATHER. NO. 726 00:25:12,119 --> 00:25:13,773 THE KIDS COME OUT NAKED... 727 00:25:13,816 --> 00:25:14,861 NAKED CHILDREN? 728 00:25:14,904 --> 00:25:16,340 AND THEN THEY DO A SE... 729 00:25:16,384 --> 00:25:18,560 THEY DO A SEX ACT AND THEN THEY THROW UP. 730 00:25:18,604 --> 00:25:19,561 THEY THROW UP? 731 00:25:21,737 --> 00:25:22,695 WHERE... WHERE HAVE THEY WORKED? 732 00:25:22,738 --> 00:25:24,174 THEY WORKED ALL THE BEST PLACES. 733 00:25:24,218 --> 00:25:25,480 ALL THE BEST PLACES? 734 00:25:25,524 --> 00:25:26,786 DO YOU WANT TO... DO YOU WANT TO KNOW... 735 00:25:26,829 --> 00:25:28,309 DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT THEY'RE... THE NA... 736 00:25:28,352 --> 00:25:30,311 WANT TO KNOW... UH, NOT NECESSARILY. 737 00:25:30,354 --> 00:25:31,486 NO, I MEAN... WELL, ASK ME. 738 00:25:31,530 --> 00:25:32,531 IT'S KIND OF IMPORTANT. THIS IS... 739 00:25:32,574 --> 00:25:33,575 OKAY, WHAT IS THEIR NAME? 740 00:25:34,663 --> 00:25:36,360 "THE ARISTOCRATS". 741 00:25:37,448 --> 00:25:38,841 THE WHAT? 742 00:25:38,885 --> 00:25:41,104 "THE 'RISTOCRATS"? "THE ARISTOCRATS". 743 00:25:41,148 --> 00:25:42,192 BUT YOU DIDN'T THINK THAT WAS FUNNY? 744 00:25:42,236 --> 00:25:44,107 NO. HUH. 745 00:25:44,151 --> 00:25:45,108 IT'S A CLASSIC. 746 00:25:45,152 --> 00:25:46,501 WHAT MAKES THAT A CLASSIC? 747 00:25:46,545 --> 00:25:48,547 CLASSIC WITHSTANDS THE TEST OF TIME, 748 00:25:48,590 --> 00:25:50,636 AND "THE ARISTOCRATS" IS ONE OF THOSE CLASSIC JOKES 749 00:25:50,679 --> 00:25:54,074 THAT HAS GONE THROUGH 50, 60, 70 YEARS 750 00:25:54,117 --> 00:25:55,031 OF BEING TOLD... SO NO MATTER 751 00:25:55,075 --> 00:25:56,511 HOW MANY TIMES I HEAR IT, 752 00:25:56,555 --> 00:25:57,512 I'LL STILL... I'LL THINK IT'S FUNNY? WHENEVER... 753 00:25:57,556 --> 00:25:58,992 WHENEVER YOU SAY "ARISTOCRATS", 754 00:25:59,035 --> 00:26:01,385 THE AUDIENCE FALLS DOWN. I DIDN'T. 755 00:26:01,429 --> 00:26:02,604 WELL, YOU'RE... YOU'RE A STRAIGHT MAN. 756 00:26:02,648 --> 00:26:04,345 YOU'RE NOT... YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO. 757 00:26:04,388 --> 00:26:08,001 "THE ARISTOCRATS" IS SO MUCH ABOUT THE... 758 00:26:08,044 --> 00:26:10,177 KIND OF SIGNATURE THAT A... COMEDIAN PUTS ON IT. 759 00:26:10,220 --> 00:26:13,180 THAT'S WHAT WE DO. YOU MAKE IT YOUR OWN. 760 00:26:13,223 --> 00:26:16,270 YEAH, IN THE AMISH VERSION, THE FATHER FLICKS ON A LIGHT, 761 00:26:16,313 --> 00:26:18,925 THE MOTHER'S USING A RADIO REMOTE, WATCHING TELEVISION. 762 00:26:18,968 --> 00:26:21,275 HE GOES, "WHAT DO YOU CALL YOURSELVES?" 763 00:26:21,318 --> 00:26:23,494 "'TIS WELL WE CALL OURSELVES 'THE ARISTOCRATS'." 764 00:26:23,538 --> 00:26:26,497 IT'S THE LAST THING IN THE... [ Laughing ] 765 00:26:26,541 --> 00:26:28,587 FIRST, I COME OUT ON STAGE. YOU KNOW, AND I AM PREGNANT. 766 00:26:28,630 --> 00:26:30,066 A FRIEND OF MINE COMES OUT 767 00:26:30,110 --> 00:26:32,982 AND HE STARTS FUCKING ME UP THE ASS. 768 00:26:33,026 --> 00:26:35,637 THE BABY STARTS SUCKING THE PENIS 769 00:26:35,681 --> 00:26:37,944 OF THE GUY WHO'S FUCKING ME UP THE ASS. 770 00:26:37,987 --> 00:26:39,946 I START GETTING CONTRACTIONS AND GIVING BIRTH. 771 00:26:39,989 --> 00:26:41,861 THE BABY STARTS COMING OUT 772 00:26:41,904 --> 00:26:43,602 AND CUM STARTS COMING OUT OF THE BABY'S MOUTH. 773 00:26:43,645 --> 00:26:45,299 I MEAN COME ON, BIRTH. 774 00:26:45,342 --> 00:26:47,040 WHAT IS MORE BEAUTIFUL THAN BIRTH? 775 00:26:47,083 --> 00:26:50,043 THIS WOMAN COMES INTO HIS OFFICE AND SHE WANTS REPRESENTATION. 776 00:26:50,086 --> 00:26:52,045 SHE SAYS, "I'M THE CENTREPIECE. 777 00:26:52,088 --> 00:26:55,265 MY HUSBAND COMES OUT, HE BENDS DOWN, HE GOES DOWN ON ME. 778 00:26:55,309 --> 00:26:57,311 WE USED TO HAVE GRANDMA BLOWING GRANDPA 779 00:26:57,354 --> 00:26:59,182 WHILE SHE HAD A KAZOO OUT OF HER ASS 780 00:26:59,226 --> 00:27:00,575 PLAYING "BEGIN THE BEGUINE", 781 00:27:00,619 --> 00:27:02,185 BUT SHE CLAIMS THAT THESE DAYS 782 00:27:02,229 --> 00:27:04,318 SHE DOESN'T HAVE THE WIND FOR IT ANY MORE. 783 00:27:04,361 --> 00:27:05,928 PERSONALLY, I THINK SHE'S TIRED OF BLOWING THE GUY. 784 00:27:05,972 --> 00:27:08,539 AFTER 54 YEARS, IT GETS A LITTLE TIRESOME. 785 00:27:08,583 --> 00:27:10,237 THE COMEDIANS HAVE DONE IT AND THE WAY THEY TELL IT... 786 00:27:10,280 --> 00:27:11,934 BUT THEN AS YOU'RE LISTENING TO IT, 787 00:27:11,978 --> 00:27:15,024 ALL OF YOUR OWN PERSONAL ORIENTATIONS YOU BRING TO THIS JOKE, 788 00:27:15,068 --> 00:27:17,244 AND IT... SO IT'S FUNNY FOR DIFFERENT REASONS. 789 00:27:17,287 --> 00:27:19,638 SURE I COULD'VE TOLD IT SOME OTHER WAY, SOME... 790 00:27:19,681 --> 00:27:22,815 SOME SCATOLOGICAL BULLSHIT THAT THESE BOYS LOVE. 791 00:27:22,858 --> 00:27:25,078 NO, I NEEDED THE WOMAN'S POINT OF VIEW. 792 00:27:25,121 --> 00:27:26,819 AND YOU NOTICED, THE FIRST SEX ACT 793 00:27:26,862 --> 00:27:28,864 WAS THE HUSBAND GOING DOWN ON THE WOMAN. 794 00:27:28,908 --> 00:27:30,823 THE MAN WOULD IMMEDIATELY HAD A BLOW JOB IN THERE. 795 00:27:30,866 --> 00:27:33,652 GRANDMA, BY THE WAY, IS A TALENT, A GIFT BEYOND. 796 00:27:33,695 --> 00:27:35,915 IF SHE WAS BORN IN ANOTHER ERA, 797 00:27:35,958 --> 00:27:37,830 SHE COULD'VE BEEN... 798 00:27:37,873 --> 00:27:40,702 LIZA MINNELLI. THAT... THAT TALENTED. 799 00:27:40,746 --> 00:27:42,748 BUT BECAUSE SHE WAS IN THE WRONG TIME AND PLACE, 800 00:27:42,791 --> 00:27:46,186 SHE ENDED UP PLAYING "BEGIN THE BEGUINE" OUT OF HER ASSHOLE. 801 00:27:46,229 --> 00:27:48,492 THERE ARE DIFFERENT RULES FOR WOMEN, DIFFERENT RULES. 802 00:27:48,536 --> 00:27:49,798 MEN, THEY CAN GET... 803 00:27:49,842 --> 00:27:52,279 MEN ARE EXPECTED TO TALK DIRTY, 804 00:27:52,322 --> 00:27:54,629 AND WOMEN ARE SUPPOSED TO BE LADYLIKE. 805 00:27:54,673 --> 00:27:56,283 YOU KNOW, THEY WON'T TAKE IT FROM PHYLLIS 806 00:27:56,326 --> 00:27:58,720 BECAUSE THAT'S NOT PHYLLIS' DEMEANOUR. 807 00:27:58,764 --> 00:28:00,026 THEY'LL DEFINITELY TAKE IT FROM ME 808 00:28:00,069 --> 00:28:02,593 BECAUSE IF I DON'T SAY "COCK", THEY'RE PISSED. 809 00:28:02,637 --> 00:28:04,726 MALES HAVE A CRUDER SENSE OF HUMOUR. 810 00:28:04,770 --> 00:28:08,730 A FEMALE WOULDN'T EVER REALLY CREATE THAT JOKE. 811 00:28:08,774 --> 00:28:10,776 I'M SICK OF WOMEN GOING, "IT'S A GUY THING." 812 00:28:10,819 --> 00:28:14,040 IT'S A JOKE. FUNNY... IF FUNNY IS A GUY THING, 813 00:28:14,083 --> 00:28:16,433 YOU KNOW WHAT? I'LL STRAP IT ON. 814 00:28:16,477 --> 00:28:18,740 YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE I GO... AND I DO STUFF, 815 00:28:18,784 --> 00:28:20,829 AND PEOPLE SAY, "WHAT, YOU DIDN'T CURSE?" 816 00:28:20,873 --> 00:28:22,744 YOU KNOW, I'M TRYING NOT TO DO THAT. 817 00:28:22,788 --> 00:28:24,615 YOU KNOW, I'M TRYING TO BE GENTILE AND SHIT. 818 00:28:24,659 --> 00:28:26,182 BUT IT DOESN'T WORK FOR ME. 819 00:28:26,226 --> 00:28:28,489 SO WHEN I WOULD TELL A JOKE LIKE THIS, 820 00:28:28,532 --> 00:28:31,448 YOU KNOW, IT WOULD BE ALL ABOUT DRIPPING PENISES, 821 00:28:31,492 --> 00:28:34,364 AND THEY'D BE PULLING THE FORESKINS BACK 822 00:28:34,408 --> 00:28:37,585 AND MAKING HELMETS OUT OF THEM. YOU KNOW, IT'D BE A WHOLE THING. 823 00:28:37,628 --> 00:28:38,629 Man: WELL, WHY DON'T YOU 824 00:28:38,673 --> 00:28:39,979 DO YOUR VERSION? [ Laughing ] 825 00:28:40,022 --> 00:28:42,808 WELL, BECAUSE YOU ALREADY GOT VERSIONS LIKE THAT. 826 00:28:42,851 --> 00:28:45,071 OH, I DON'T THINK WE HAVE A VERSION LIKE THAT. OH, I BET YOU DO, 827 00:28:45,114 --> 00:28:46,637 I BET YOU DO. I KNOW YOU DO. 828 00:28:46,681 --> 00:28:48,814 THE FOUR GUYS WALK IN AND THEY SAY, "LET'S SEE THE ACT." 829 00:28:48,857 --> 00:28:50,598 AND FOUR GUYS TAKE THEIR PANTS DOWN 830 00:28:50,641 --> 00:28:52,034 AND THEY TAKE THEIR GIANT PENISES 831 00:28:52,078 --> 00:28:53,949 AND THEY TAKE THE FORESKIN, THEY GO LIKE THIS... 832 00:28:53,993 --> 00:28:57,126 AND THEY PULL UP THE PENISES LIKE THIS AND THEY GO, "WHOA!" 833 00:28:57,170 --> 00:28:59,259 AND THEY PULL IT DOWN OVER THEMSELVES AND THEY START TO SING... 834 00:28:59,302 --> 00:29:01,304 [ Muffled singing ] 835 00:29:04,133 --> 00:29:05,656 ♪ I'D GIVE THE WORLD TO... 836 00:29:05,700 --> 00:29:08,442 [ Muffled singing ] 837 00:29:08,485 --> 00:29:09,617 ♪ D-I-X-I-E... 838 00:29:11,488 --> 00:29:13,142 THAT'S THE KIND OF JOKE I WOULD FUCKING TELL. 839 00:29:13,186 --> 00:29:14,622 Man: [ Chuckling ] 840 00:29:14,665 --> 00:29:16,406 LIKE, HOW COULD YOU CLEAN THAT JOKE UP? 841 00:29:16,450 --> 00:29:19,148 I GUESS YOU COULD CLEAN IT UP BY SAYING, "THEY'RE MAKING LOVE". 842 00:29:19,192 --> 00:29:21,455 BUT STILL, THEY'RE ALREADY BROTHERS AND SISTERS, SO IT'S ALREADY INCEST. 843 00:29:21,498 --> 00:29:23,283 YOU'RE... YOU'RE ALREADY IN A BIG HOLE. 844 00:29:23,326 --> 00:29:27,243 WELL, ACTUALLY, WHEN THE CURTAIN RISES, 845 00:29:27,287 --> 00:29:31,334 THERE WE ARE STAGE: ME, MY TWO DAUGHTERS, MY WIFE, 846 00:29:31,378 --> 00:29:35,034 AND A GORILLA NAMED DAISY FROM THE BELGIAN CONGO. 847 00:29:35,077 --> 00:29:37,514 MY DAUGHTER PULLS MY INDEX FINGER, 848 00:29:37,558 --> 00:29:41,431 AT WHICH POINT I LET OUT A THUNDEROUS FART. 849 00:29:41,475 --> 00:29:45,131 MY WIFE DOES A VERY SEXY STRIPTEASE DANCE ON A TOM-TOM. 850 00:29:45,174 --> 00:29:48,743 FOLLOWING THAT, I HAVE A VIOLENT LOVE AFFAIR 851 00:29:48,787 --> 00:29:51,877 WITH THE GORILLA, DAISY, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. 852 00:29:51,920 --> 00:29:54,662 BUT HAVE NO FEAR, IF THERE ARE ANY CHILDREN, 853 00:29:54,705 --> 00:29:56,707 THEY'LL BE BROUGHT UP AS CATHOLICS, YOU SEE. 854 00:29:56,751 --> 00:29:57,883 HE WAS IN PURPLE, 855 00:29:57,926 --> 00:29:59,623 SHE WAS IN... HELIOTROPE, 856 00:29:59,667 --> 00:30:02,409 AND THEY WOULD COME IN. THEY HAD TWO BLACK SATCHELS. 857 00:30:02,452 --> 00:30:04,759 AND THEY SAID, "WE WORK IN ONE. IT'S AN OLIO. 858 00:30:04,803 --> 00:30:06,979 AND THE BAND WOULD GO... [ Humming ] 859 00:30:12,549 --> 00:30:14,116 AND HE OPENS UP THE BLACK CASE, 860 00:30:14,160 --> 00:30:16,336 AND THERE'S A SILVER HAMMER. 861 00:30:16,379 --> 00:30:18,468 AND... [ Humming ] 862 00:30:19,818 --> 00:30:21,428 HIS WIFE PULLS OUT THE CHAIR 863 00:30:21,471 --> 00:30:23,386 AND HE SITS DOWN UPON THE CHAIR. 864 00:30:23,430 --> 00:30:25,606 [ Humming ] 865 00:30:25,649 --> 00:30:27,869 HIS WIFE TAKES THE HAMMER, 866 00:30:27,913 --> 00:30:30,611 AND WITH A GREAT, SWIFT MOVEMENT, 867 00:30:30,654 --> 00:30:33,657 BANG! HITS HER HUSBAND RIGHT IN THE FOREHEAD, 868 00:30:33,701 --> 00:30:36,269 AND HE GOES ASS OVER TEAKETTLE BACK DOWN, 869 00:30:36,312 --> 00:30:38,227 OVER THE COUCH, OVER THE AGENTS, 870 00:30:38,271 --> 00:30:40,055 BACK IN, PULLS THE DRAPES DOWN... 871 00:30:41,404 --> 00:30:43,145 THE AGENT SAYS, "MY GOD, 872 00:30:43,189 --> 00:30:45,931 I'VE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE THAT IN MY LIFE!" 873 00:30:45,974 --> 00:30:47,193 "WELL, THANK YOU VERY MUCH." 874 00:30:47,236 --> 00:30:49,412 AND HE PICKS UP THE HAMMER, PUTS IT AWAY. 875 00:30:49,456 --> 00:30:52,241 AND HE PICKS UP THAT CASE, AND HE PICKS UP THE OTHER ONE, 876 00:30:52,285 --> 00:30:54,983 AND THEY'RE ABOUT TO LEAVE, AND HE SAYS, "EXCUSE ME. 877 00:30:55,027 --> 00:30:56,942 JUST FOR CURIOSITY, 878 00:30:56,985 --> 00:30:58,769 WHAT'S IN THE OTHER CASE?" 879 00:30:58,813 --> 00:30:59,901 AND HE SAYS, 880 00:30:59,945 --> 00:31:02,556 "TYLENOL." [ Laughter ] 881 00:31:04,863 --> 00:31:06,908 "AND WHAT'S THE NAME OF YOUR ACT?" 882 00:31:06,952 --> 00:31:09,258 "WE CALL OURSELVES 'THE SOPHISTICATES'." 883 00:31:09,302 --> 00:31:12,218 [ Humming ] 884 00:31:12,261 --> 00:31:14,220 [ Hysterical laughter ] 885 00:31:15,874 --> 00:31:17,266 THAT'S HOW I HEARD IT. 886 00:31:17,310 --> 00:31:19,703 THEY ARE MY GENERATION OF ENTERTAINER. 887 00:31:19,747 --> 00:31:21,705 I MEAN, WE WERE ALL TOGETHER AT THE SAME TIME. 888 00:31:21,749 --> 00:31:24,621 YOU HAD TO WORK CLEAN BECAUSE THERE WERE SIGNS BACKSTAGE: 889 00:31:24,665 --> 00:31:27,102 "NO DIRTY MATERIAL. NOTHING BLUE." 890 00:31:27,146 --> 00:31:29,278 YOU GOT VAUDEVILLE AND THE CHITLIN CIRCUIT AT THE SAME TIME. 891 00:31:29,322 --> 00:31:31,106 A BLACK COMIC COULD ALWAYS BE DIRTY. 892 00:31:31,150 --> 00:31:33,413 YOU COULDN'T GET ON TV ANYTIME, SO YOU WEREN'T REALLY WORRIED 893 00:31:33,456 --> 00:31:35,241 ABOUT WHO YOU OFFENDED OR ANYTHING. 894 00:31:35,284 --> 00:31:36,938 THEY COULD BE DIRTY ON STAGE, IT DIDN'T EVEN MATTER. 895 00:31:36,982 --> 00:31:39,941 SO A JOKE WHERE PART OF THE FUN IS THAT YOU'RE DIRTY IS... 896 00:31:39,985 --> 00:31:41,682 THEY CAN TELL IT ANYTIME THEY WANT. 897 00:31:41,725 --> 00:31:44,119 COCKS AND CUNTS, THAT'S WHERE IT'S AT. 898 00:31:44,163 --> 00:31:46,165 SEINFELD NEVER CURSED, I'M ALWAYS TELLING YOU THAT. 899 00:31:46,208 --> 00:31:47,296 BE LIKE SEINFELD. 900 00:31:47,340 --> 00:31:48,776 ALL RIGHT. DID YOU EVER NOTICE 901 00:31:48,819 --> 00:31:50,821 WHEN YOU KICK YOUR GIRLFRIEND IN THE CUNT 902 00:31:50,865 --> 00:31:53,128 SHE CALLS THE COPS ON YA? [ Cough ] 903 00:31:53,172 --> 00:31:55,478 IN ALL OF ART, 904 00:31:55,522 --> 00:31:56,958 IT'S THE SINGER, NOT THE SONG. 905 00:31:57,002 --> 00:31:59,656 YOU SEE THAT WHEN YOU HEAR JAZZ MUSICIANS 906 00:31:59,700 --> 00:32:01,441 WHO PLAY THE SAME SONG OVER AND OVER AGAIN. 907 00:32:01,484 --> 00:32:03,356 YOU HEAR ONE NOTE OF COLTRANE, 908 00:32:03,399 --> 00:32:04,966 YOU KNOW IT'S COLTRANE. 909 00:32:05,010 --> 00:32:08,927 BUT I NEVER UNDERSTOOD IT AS SO CLEAR IN COMEDY. 910 00:32:08,970 --> 00:32:10,406 WHEN YOU HEAR SOMEONE TELL "THE ARISTOCRATS", 911 00:32:10,450 --> 00:32:12,321 VERY CLEARLY, IT'S THE SINGER, NOT THE SONG. 912 00:32:12,365 --> 00:32:13,627 OKAY, HERE'S THE JOKE: 913 00:32:13,670 --> 00:32:16,064 A GUY GOES INTO A TALENT AGENT AND HE SAYS, 914 00:32:16,108 --> 00:32:18,240 "I JUST SAW THE MOST AMAZING ACT. 915 00:32:18,284 --> 00:32:20,721 YOU SHOULD HIRE THIS ACT, IT'S INCREDIBLE!" 916 00:32:20,764 --> 00:32:22,679 AND THE AGENT SAYS, "WELL, TELL ME WHAT HAPPENS." 917 00:32:22,723 --> 00:32:26,031 HE SAYS, "WELL Y... THERE'S A FAMILY OUT ON A STAGE; 918 00:32:26,074 --> 00:32:27,946 THERE'S A HUSBAND AND A WIFE, 919 00:32:27,989 --> 00:32:31,427 AND THREE LITTLE GIRLS, LIKE, 12, 8 AND 4. 920 00:32:31,471 --> 00:32:33,864 AND THEY'RE JUST SITTING THERE, AND THEY'RE ALL READING, 921 00:32:33,908 --> 00:32:35,997 AND THERE'S A LITTLE CERAMIC BALLERINA 922 00:32:36,041 --> 00:32:38,652 GOING AROUND PLAYING MOZART MUSIC. 923 00:32:38,695 --> 00:32:41,394 AND IT'S VERY CALM AND THE LIGHTING IS BEAUTIFUL. 924 00:32:41,437 --> 00:32:43,657 AND THEN THE FATHER GETS UP AND HE WALKS OFF THE STAGE, 925 00:32:43,700 --> 00:32:45,702 AND HE COMES BACK WITH FLOWERS 926 00:32:45,746 --> 00:32:47,052 AND HE GIVES ONE TO THE WIFE 927 00:32:47,095 --> 00:32:48,662 AND ONE TO EACH OF THE DAUGHTERS. 928 00:32:48,705 --> 00:32:50,316 AND THEY... "OH, DADDY, WE LOVE YOU." 929 00:32:50,359 --> 00:32:52,187 "YOU'RE MY PRECIOUS ANGELS." 930 00:32:52,231 --> 00:32:54,494 AND EVERYTHING IS SO NICE AND SMILEY. 931 00:32:54,537 --> 00:32:57,671 THEN THE FATHER GETS UP AND HE LEAVES AGAIN AND HE COMES BACK, 932 00:32:57,714 --> 00:33:00,848 AND HE'S GOT A BIG BOTTLE OF WHISKEY AND A BASEBALL BAT. 933 00:33:00,891 --> 00:33:02,415 AND HE STARTS DRINKING THE WHISKEY 934 00:33:02,458 --> 00:33:05,070 AND HE GOES OVER THE WIFE AND HE STARTS SMASHING HER 935 00:33:05,113 --> 00:33:07,855 ON THE SHOULDERS AND THE LEGS, AND HE'S BANGING HER LEGS 936 00:33:07,898 --> 00:33:09,596 AND THERE'S BLOOD GUSHING ANY... EVERYWHERE, 937 00:33:09,639 --> 00:33:11,163 AND THE DAUGHTERS ARE SCREAMING, 938 00:33:11,206 --> 00:33:12,903 AND HE CHASES THE DAUGHTERS AROUND, 939 00:33:12,947 --> 00:33:14,688 AND HE SMASHES THEM ON THE BACK OF THE LEGS, 940 00:33:14,731 --> 00:33:17,386 AND THERE'S SCREAMING AND BLOOD EVERYWHERE. 941 00:33:17,430 --> 00:33:19,562 AND THE GUY SAID, "THAT'S HORRIBLE!" 942 00:33:19,606 --> 00:33:21,390 THE AGENT SAID, "THAT'S... HORRIBLE, 943 00:33:21,434 --> 00:33:22,913 MOST HORRIBLE THING I'VE EVER HEARD. 944 00:33:22,957 --> 00:33:24,611 WHAT COULD THIS THING BE CALLED? 945 00:33:24,654 --> 00:33:26,613 WHAT IS THIS? WHAT IS IT?" 946 00:33:26,656 --> 00:33:28,615 AND THE GUY SAID, "IT'S CALLED 'THE ARISTOCRATS'." 947 00:33:31,313 --> 00:33:33,402 AND THEN THEY JUST BLANKLY LOOKED AT EACH OTHER FOR A WHILE 948 00:33:33,446 --> 00:33:35,796 AND THEN THE AGENT SAID, 949 00:33:35,839 --> 00:33:37,711 "I-I'D LIKE TO SEE THAT, ACTUALLY." 950 00:33:41,715 --> 00:33:44,196 IT'S THIS FAMILY, THE KAVANAW'S: ANNE AND WILLIAM. 951 00:33:44,239 --> 00:33:46,328 THEY'RE EATING DINNER AND THEY JUST FINISH, 952 00:33:46,372 --> 00:33:49,114 AND THEIR MAID COMES IN AND SHE CLEARS THE PLATES. 953 00:33:49,157 --> 00:33:52,204 AND THEY HAVE TWO CHILDREN: BETSY AND TIMMY. 954 00:33:52,247 --> 00:33:55,207 AND ANNE SUGGESTS THAT THEY ALL GO INTO THE DRAWING ROOM 955 00:33:55,250 --> 00:33:59,385 WHERE ANNE THEN BRAIDS BETSY'S BEAUTIFUL BLOND HAIR. 956 00:33:59,428 --> 00:34:02,083 THE HUSBAND, HE PLAYS CHESS WITH TIMMY. 957 00:34:02,127 --> 00:34:03,693 AND THEN THE MAID COMES IN 958 00:34:03,737 --> 00:34:05,434 WITH STRAWBERRIES AND WHIPPED CREAM, 959 00:34:05,478 --> 00:34:08,220 AND THEY ALL EAT A NICE DESSERT. 960 00:34:08,263 --> 00:34:11,049 AND THAT'S THE ACT. 961 00:34:11,092 --> 00:34:12,920 Interviewer: WHAT WOULD YOU CALL AN ACT LIKE THAT? 962 00:34:12,963 --> 00:34:14,922 "THE COCKSUCKING MOTHERFUCKERS". 963 00:34:14,965 --> 00:34:16,532 [ Laughing ] 964 00:34:19,100 --> 00:34:21,146 THERE'S ANOTHER WHICH USES THE SAME WORD, 965 00:34:21,189 --> 00:34:24,192 "ARISTOCRATS", SO MAYBE WE CAN GO THERE INSTEAD. 966 00:34:24,236 --> 00:34:25,846 THERE WERE THREE MISSIONARIES: 967 00:34:25,889 --> 00:34:28,544 A CATHOLIC, A BUDDHIST, AND A JEW, 968 00:34:28,588 --> 00:34:30,677 WHO WERE OUT IN THE MIDDLE OF AFRICA 969 00:34:30,720 --> 00:34:33,375 AND THEY WERE CAUGHT BY HEADHUNTERS. 970 00:34:33,419 --> 00:34:36,465 THE CHIEF CAME UP AND SAID, "GOOD AFTERNOON, GENTLEMEN. 971 00:34:36,509 --> 00:34:38,946 YOU HAVE YOUR OPTIONS: DEATH, 972 00:34:38,989 --> 00:34:41,601 OR YOU CAN MEET 'THE ARISTOCRATS'." 973 00:34:42,993 --> 00:34:44,778 THE FIRST IS THE JEWISH RABBI. 974 00:34:44,821 --> 00:34:46,127 AND THEY SAY, "HAVE YOU MADE UP YOUR MIND?" 975 00:34:46,171 --> 00:34:47,215 HE SAYS, "OH, ABSOLUTELY. 976 00:34:47,259 --> 00:34:48,651 PERHAPS THERE'S AN AFTERLIFE, 977 00:34:48,695 --> 00:34:50,697 I'M NOT REALLY SURE ABOUT THAT. 978 00:34:50,740 --> 00:34:52,742 WE CERTAINLY VALUE THE LIFE ON EARTH. 979 00:34:52,786 --> 00:34:56,572 I HAVE DECIDED I WILL GO WITH MEETING 'THE ARISTOCRATS'." 980 00:34:56,616 --> 00:34:58,922 OUT COME ABOUT 14 MEN 981 00:34:58,966 --> 00:35:02,187 WEARING JUST THE SKIMPIEST LITTLE LOINCLOTHS 982 00:35:02,230 --> 00:35:05,494 AND THEY REAM HIM IN EVERY ORIFICE. 983 00:35:05,538 --> 00:35:08,062 THEY THROW HIS BODY UP, THEY THROW HIS BODY DOWN. 984 00:35:08,106 --> 00:35:11,370 HE IS COMPLETELY COVERED WITH ABORIGINES' SPERMATOZOA. 985 00:35:11,413 --> 00:35:14,460 AND THEY LEAVE HIM BASICALLY AS A FLOPPY LITTLE RAG DOLL, 986 00:35:14,503 --> 00:35:17,158 OVER IN THE BUSHES. 987 00:35:17,202 --> 00:35:19,943 GOES UP TO THE CATHOLIC PRIEST, HE SAID, "HOW ABOUT YOU?" 988 00:35:19,987 --> 00:35:22,468 "STILL... STILL SAME DEAL?" AND HE SAID, "YEAH. 989 00:35:22,511 --> 00:35:24,034 YOU CAN EITHER DIE, 990 00:35:24,078 --> 00:35:26,515 OR DEAL WITH 'THE ARISTOCRATS'." 991 00:35:26,559 --> 00:35:28,648 HE SAYS, "HORRIBLE AS THAT IS, 992 00:35:28,691 --> 00:35:31,955 I AM NO STRANGER TO CERTAIN ASPECTS OF IT. 993 00:35:31,999 --> 00:35:34,567 I DO SEE THAT THE MAN OVER THERE IS STILL BREATHING, 994 00:35:34,610 --> 00:35:36,134 WHICH MEANS I WOULD STAY ALIVE 995 00:35:36,177 --> 00:35:37,744 TO BE ABLE TO HELP MY PARISHIONERS. 996 00:35:37,787 --> 00:35:40,790 I WILL TAKE THE... I GUESS, 'THE ARISTOCRATS'." 997 00:35:40,834 --> 00:35:42,488 AND IT'S SAME SONG, SECOND VERSE. 998 00:35:42,531 --> 00:35:44,620 THEY HAVE HIM IN SO MANY WAYS 999 00:35:44,664 --> 00:35:45,969 THAT HE HAS NEVER EVEN DREAMT OF. 1000 00:35:46,013 --> 00:35:48,929 HE IS LYING, PANTING BARELY AUDIBLE BREATHS 1001 00:35:48,972 --> 00:35:51,758 LYING IN THE UNDERBRUSH. THE BUDDHIST SAYS, 1002 00:35:51,801 --> 00:35:55,153 "I BELIEVE THAT WE'RE ONLY HERE FOR A SHORT TIME ANYWAY. 1003 00:35:55,196 --> 00:35:56,893 I WILL TAKE DEATH." 1004 00:35:56,937 --> 00:36:00,245 AND THE CHIEF SAYS, "OKAY, FINE, DEATH IT IS. 1005 00:36:00,288 --> 00:36:01,942 BUT FIRST, 'THE ARISTOCRATS'!" 1006 00:36:01,985 --> 00:36:03,770 [ Laughter ] 1007 00:36:07,991 --> 00:36:10,385 SO THAT'LL BE MY "ARISTOCRATS" JOKE. 1008 00:36:10,429 --> 00:36:12,082 'CAUSE YOU GOT 75 PEOPLE TELLING THE FUCKING THING. 1009 00:36:12,126 --> 00:36:13,649 [ Laughter ] 1010 00:36:13,693 --> 00:36:15,303 THIS JOKE IS ONE OF THOSE SONGS, 1011 00:36:15,347 --> 00:36:17,610 I GUESS, LIKE, "MR. TAMBOURINE MAN". 1012 00:36:17,653 --> 00:36:19,002 YOU COULD SING IT LIKE BOB DYLAN, 1013 00:36:19,046 --> 00:36:20,569 OR YOU COULD SING IT LIKE "THE BYRDS", 1014 00:36:20,613 --> 00:36:22,832 OR YOU COULD SING IT ROUGH, OR YOU CAN MAKE IT SWEET. 1015 00:36:22,876 --> 00:36:24,791 THERE'S NOT THAT MANY JOKES LIKE THIS. 1016 00:36:24,834 --> 00:36:26,227 WE WERE INFLUENCED 1017 00:36:26,271 --> 00:36:27,228 BY ONE OF THE GREATEST 1018 00:36:27,272 --> 00:36:28,403 JUGGLING ACTS OF ALL TIME. 1019 00:36:28,447 --> 00:36:29,709 THEY'D BE COMPLETELY NAKED. 1020 00:36:29,752 --> 00:36:31,580 NOW AT THIS POINT, 1021 00:36:31,624 --> 00:36:33,408 HE WOULD ACTUALLY PENETRATE THE OTHER GUY. 1022 00:36:33,452 --> 00:36:34,627 RIGHT. THE... TOP GUY 1023 00:36:34,670 --> 00:36:35,889 WOULD ACTUALLY DEFECATE 1024 00:36:35,932 --> 00:36:37,456 ON THE BOTTOM GUY. 1025 00:36:37,499 --> 00:36:38,935 THEY WOULD ACTUALLY JUGGLE 1026 00:36:38,979 --> 00:36:42,112 SIX SEVERED FLAMING ELEPHANT PENISES. 1027 00:36:42,156 --> 00:36:43,636 YEAH. THEY WERE CALLED 1028 00:36:43,679 --> 00:36:45,420 "THE INCREDIBLE TOWERING, 1029 00:36:45,464 --> 00:36:49,207 FLAMING, NAKED, ELEPHANT PENIS JUGGLING BROTHERS." 1030 00:36:49,250 --> 00:36:50,251 THEY CHANGED IT TO, UH... 1031 00:36:50,295 --> 00:36:51,513 "THE ARISTOCRATS". 1032 00:36:51,557 --> 00:36:53,646 YOU CAN MAKE THE JOKE FUNNY 1033 00:36:53,689 --> 00:36:55,256 AND STILL KEEP IT IN YOUR PERSONALITY. 1034 00:36:55,300 --> 00:36:57,911 SO I SAW CHRISTOPHER WALKEN TELL THAT STORY, I THINK... 1035 00:36:57,954 --> 00:37:00,087 I DON'T KNOW, IT WAS JAMES LIPTON'S... 1036 00:37:00,130 --> 00:37:02,089 COCKSUCKING EXTRAVAGANZA. 1037 00:37:02,132 --> 00:37:04,744 [ Laughter ] 1038 00:37:04,787 --> 00:37:08,922 HE LAID CLAIM TO THE STORY ACTUALLY HAPPENING. 1039 00:37:08,965 --> 00:37:10,228 [ Imitating Christopher Walken ] "THIS HAPPENED. 1040 00:37:10,271 --> 00:37:12,665 MY UNCLE WAS A TALENT AGENT, 1041 00:37:12,708 --> 00:37:16,059 SORT OF A BROADWAY DANNY ROSE SORT OF GUY. 1042 00:37:16,103 --> 00:37:19,280 MAN COMES IN, SAYS TO MY UNCLE, 1043 00:37:19,324 --> 00:37:21,064 "I THINK I MIGHT HAVE THE ACT 1044 00:37:21,108 --> 00:37:22,631 THAT YOU'RE LOOKING FOR. 1045 00:37:22,675 --> 00:37:25,155 IT INVOLVES MY WHOLE FAMILY." 1046 00:37:25,199 --> 00:37:26,461 MY UNCLE STOPPED HIM AND SAID... 1047 00:37:29,116 --> 00:37:29,986 "THAT'S CRAZY. 1048 00:37:31,945 --> 00:37:33,642 WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YOUR WHOLE FAMILY? THAT'S..." 1049 00:37:33,686 --> 00:37:36,384 THE MAN SAYS, "A GIFT MY WIFE HAS 1050 00:37:36,428 --> 00:37:37,472 IS UNLOADED ON THE AUDIENCE, 1051 00:37:37,516 --> 00:37:38,430 AND THAT IS... 1052 00:37:39,561 --> 00:37:41,128 PROJECTILE VOMITING. 1053 00:37:41,171 --> 00:37:42,869 IT'S ALL OVER THE FRONT ROW. 1054 00:37:42,912 --> 00:37:45,828 GALLAGHER, THAT PUTZ, WOULD WISH 1055 00:37:45,872 --> 00:37:48,135 THIS SORT OF... [ Laughter ] 1056 00:37:51,051 --> 00:37:53,706 THIS SORT OF THING WAS POSSIBLE FROM A WATERMELON. 1057 00:37:53,749 --> 00:37:54,707 FORGET IT." 1058 00:37:54,750 --> 00:37:57,579 [ Laughter ] 1059 00:37:57,623 --> 00:37:59,320 THIS IS WHAT'S HAPPENING TO MY UNCLE. 1060 00:37:59,364 --> 00:38:01,714 HE STARTS TO CHUCKLE. 1061 00:38:01,757 --> 00:38:03,759 BUT HE ALSO IS FRIGHTENED FOR HIS LIFE. 1062 00:38:03,803 --> 00:38:06,936 HE... HE SENSES... ASK THE NAME FIRST, 1063 00:38:06,980 --> 00:38:08,634 THEN, GET THEM OUT. 1064 00:38:08,677 --> 00:38:10,244 DON'T GIVE THEM THE BUM'S RUSH, 1065 00:38:10,288 --> 00:38:12,072 'CAUSE THIS FUCK WILL KILL YOU, CLEARLY. 1066 00:38:13,160 --> 00:38:14,944 [ Laughing ] 1067 00:38:16,337 --> 00:38:17,556 TO ME, IN THIS JOKE, 1068 00:38:17,599 --> 00:38:20,123 YOU GET TO SHOW OFF YOUR WRITING, SORT OF. 1069 00:38:20,167 --> 00:38:22,952 SO A FAMILY WALKS INTO THE AGENT'S OFFICE 1070 00:38:22,996 --> 00:38:26,173 AND THEY WANT TO AUDITION THEIR NEW ACT. 1071 00:38:26,216 --> 00:38:28,131 MOM DOES A NAKED CARTWHEEL THROUGH THE AIR 1072 00:38:28,175 --> 00:38:30,090 AND LANDS FLAT ON HER BACK. 1073 00:38:30,133 --> 00:38:31,918 SHE SPREADS HER LEGS WIDE AND TURNS OVER 1074 00:38:31,961 --> 00:38:35,008 TO REVEAL A CHERRY- COLOURED ASS. 1075 00:38:35,051 --> 00:38:37,315 SON COMES OVER AND BEGINS TO JACK OFF. 1076 00:38:37,358 --> 00:38:38,838 IN FACT, THE VIGOUR OF YOUTH 1077 00:38:38,881 --> 00:38:42,102 ALLOWS HIM TO DO THIS OVER AND OVER AGAIN. 1078 00:38:42,145 --> 00:38:45,235 SIS, WHOSE TITS ARE PRACTICALLY NON-EXISTENT, 1079 00:38:45,279 --> 00:38:47,542 SUDDENLY GETS DOWN ON ALL FOURS, 1080 00:38:47,586 --> 00:38:51,894 HER HAIRLESS PAPER CUT BEGINS TWITCHING WITH ANTICIPATION. 1081 00:38:51,938 --> 00:38:53,940 DAD SPRINGS INTO ACTION. 1082 00:38:53,983 --> 00:38:55,985 HE SPINS HIS DAUGHTER AROUND 1083 00:38:56,029 --> 00:38:58,031 AND GIVES HER A LITTLE BIT OF 69. 1084 00:38:58,074 --> 00:38:59,380 JUST THEN, THERE'S A BLINDING SPRAY 1085 00:38:59,424 --> 00:39:01,121 THAT COVERS THE ENTIRE FAMILY, 1086 00:39:01,164 --> 00:39:03,384 AND GRANDMA RIDES IN ON A RED BICYCLE, 1087 00:39:03,428 --> 00:39:06,692 PISSES ALL OVER THEM AND SAYS, "TAH-DAH!" 1088 00:39:06,735 --> 00:39:09,303 THE AGENT SAYS, "THAT'S AMAZING. WHAT DO YOU CALL YOURSELVES?" 1089 00:39:09,347 --> 00:39:11,131 AND GRANDMA SAYS... [ Blowing ] 1090 00:39:11,174 --> 00:39:12,437 "THE ARISTOCRATS". 1091 00:39:12,480 --> 00:39:14,874 [ Laughter ] 1092 00:39:14,917 --> 00:39:16,963 WE SAW THE ACT AND IT JUST... 1093 00:39:17,006 --> 00:39:19,400 JUST DUMBSTRUCK TELLER, QUITE LITERALLY. 1094 00:39:19,444 --> 00:39:21,228 I CAN GO INTO THE WHOLE THING. 1095 00:39:21,271 --> 00:39:22,708 THE FATHER... WHO WAS... 1096 00:39:22,751 --> 00:39:24,536 WHO PLAYED THE BAGPIPES OUT HIS ASS. 1097 00:39:24,579 --> 00:39:26,712 THE MOTHER WHO DID THIS WHOLE WEIRD THING 1098 00:39:26,755 --> 00:39:28,888 WITH MENSTRUAL BLOOD AND... 1099 00:39:28,931 --> 00:39:30,019 YEAH, BEAUTIFUL. 1100 00:39:30,063 --> 00:39:31,456 BUT THE PART THAT KILLED US THE MOST 1101 00:39:31,499 --> 00:39:33,196 WAS THIS LITTLE CUTE KID. 1102 00:39:33,240 --> 00:39:34,415 WHAT WAS HE, ABOUT SIX OR SO? 1103 00:39:34,459 --> 00:39:36,678 AND THE KID HAD THIS ENORMOUS COCK. 1104 00:39:36,722 --> 00:39:38,419 IT WAS THE SIZE OF, YOU KNOW... 1105 00:39:38,463 --> 00:39:40,856 LIKE... OH YEAH, LIKE THE SIZE OF A BOTTLE LIKE THAT. 1106 00:39:40,900 --> 00:39:43,163 AND STARTED JERKING AND JERKING 1107 00:39:43,206 --> 00:39:44,599 AND JERKING AND JERKING, 1108 00:39:44,643 --> 00:39:46,427 AND THEN JUST AS HE GOT TO THE FINAL END, 1109 00:39:46,471 --> 00:39:47,994 HE WOULD JUST JERK, JERK, 1110 00:39:48,037 --> 00:39:49,343 AND THE KID HAD... 1111 00:39:49,387 --> 00:39:50,997 THE WHOLE HEAD OF HIS 1112 00:39:51,040 --> 00:39:52,694 COCK BLEW OFF. OH-H-H. 1113 00:39:52,738 --> 00:39:55,871 AND WE SAID, "AH, FABULOUS, FABULOUS." 1114 00:39:55,915 --> 00:39:57,786 TELLER COULDN'T TALK ANY LONGER. HE WAS... 1115 00:39:57,830 --> 00:39:59,962 HE WAS JUST... SHOCKED, DUMBSTRUCK. 1116 00:40:00,006 --> 00:40:02,051 JUST NEVER SPOKE AGAIN. 1117 00:40:02,095 --> 00:40:04,271 AND THE KID WAS ALSO DUMBSTRUCK. 1118 00:40:04,314 --> 00:40:05,838 YOU KNOW, HE HAD THE HEAD 1119 00:40:05,881 --> 00:40:07,187 OF HIS COCK BLOWN OFF. 1120 00:40:07,230 --> 00:40:09,450 IF TELLING A JOKE IN YOUR OWN WORDS 1121 00:40:09,494 --> 00:40:11,452 AND CREATING YOUR OWN SET-UP, 1122 00:40:11,496 --> 00:40:12,975 IF THAT CAN BE PERSONALIZED, 1123 00:40:13,019 --> 00:40:14,629 THEN THAT... THAT'S A FORM OF WRITING. 1124 00:40:14,673 --> 00:40:16,544 FIRST I COME IN THERE AND I START LOOS... 1125 00:40:16,588 --> 00:40:17,632 GET LOOSENED UP A LITTLE BIT. 1126 00:40:19,068 --> 00:40:20,896 THEN I START TO STRETCH MY FACE. 1127 00:40:22,332 --> 00:40:23,899 THEN I LIKE TO CELEBRATE THE THEATRE: COMEDY. 1128 00:40:25,901 --> 00:40:26,554 TRAGEDY. 1129 00:40:27,903 --> 00:40:28,991 AND THEN UNCLE LOUIE COMES IN. 1130 00:40:32,517 --> 00:40:33,953 AND THEN COUSIN EDDY, 1131 00:40:33,996 --> 00:40:36,912 HE JUST CAME BACK FROM RUSSIA WITH THE ARMY. 1132 00:40:36,956 --> 00:40:39,567 ♪ DEUTCHLAND, DEUTCHLAND, YUGOSLANDVER. ♪ 1133 00:40:41,917 --> 00:40:42,918 I GOT IT. [ Whimpering ] 1134 00:40:43,789 --> 00:40:45,443 AND THEN AUNT SADIE, 1135 00:40:45,486 --> 00:40:48,576 SHE COMES IN AND DOES AN ACROBATIC NUMBER. 1136 00:40:48,620 --> 00:40:49,534 HEY-OH! 1137 00:40:50,839 --> 00:40:52,928 SO A GUY GOES INTO A, UH... A TALENT AGENT 1138 00:40:52,972 --> 00:40:54,887 AND HE SAYS, "HEY, DUDE, CHECK IT OUT, I'VE GOT A GREAT ACT." 1139 00:40:54,930 --> 00:40:57,672 AND HE'S LIKE, "IT'S NOT A FUCKING PROP ACT, IS IT?" 1140 00:40:57,716 --> 00:40:59,065 I WOULD TELL THAT JOKE, BUT AS YOU KNOW, 1141 00:40:59,108 --> 00:41:00,806 I ONLY WORK OFF PROMPTER. 1142 00:41:00,849 --> 00:41:04,723 SO UNLESS I CAN LOOK IN THE PROMPTER AND SEE... 1143 00:41:04,766 --> 00:41:07,813 I'M SORRY, WAS IT: FINGERING THE DAUGHTER 1144 00:41:07,856 --> 00:41:10,076 AND EATING SHIT OUT OF THE GRANDMOTHER'S ASS? 1145 00:41:10,119 --> 00:41:12,295 I'D HATE TO GET SOMETHING LIKE THAT WRONG 1146 00:41:12,339 --> 00:41:15,211 BECAUSE IT REALLY SEEMS TO BE SO DELICATELY WORDED. 1147 00:42:45,737 --> 00:42:47,608 WE ALL HAVE DIFFERENT KINDS OF CARTOONS 1148 00:42:47,652 --> 00:42:50,350 PLAYING IN THE COMIC'S MIND. 1149 00:42:50,393 --> 00:42:53,832 MURRAY THE AGENT BARGES INTO STAN THE VARIETY BOOKER'S OFFICE. 1150 00:42:53,875 --> 00:42:56,791 STAN GOES, "NO, NO, NO! NO, YOU DON'T! 1151 00:42:56,835 --> 00:42:59,228 YOU ALWAYS BRING ME THE WORST ACTS IN THE UNIVERSE." 1152 00:42:59,272 --> 00:43:00,839 "THIS ONE IS COMPLETELY DIFFERENT, STAN. 1153 00:43:00,882 --> 00:43:02,536 IT'S A FAMILY ACT. 1154 00:43:02,580 --> 00:43:04,843 FIRST THE FATHER COMES OUT 1155 00:43:04,886 --> 00:43:06,627 NAKED AS THE DAY HE WAS BORN, 1156 00:43:06,671 --> 00:43:08,586 AND HE SETS UP A LADDER. 1157 00:43:08,629 --> 00:43:11,632 THEN MOM COMES OUT, AND SHE LOOKS FANTASTIC FOR HER AGE. 1158 00:43:11,676 --> 00:43:14,374 SHE CLIMBS HALF WAY UP THE LADDER, 1159 00:43:14,417 --> 00:43:16,506 NAKED AS THE DAY SHE WAS BORN. 1160 00:43:16,550 --> 00:43:19,422 THEN JUNIOR STEPS OUT, A STRAPPING YOUNG LAD, 1161 00:43:19,466 --> 00:43:20,989 NAKED AS THE DAY HE WAS BORN, 1162 00:43:21,033 --> 00:43:23,035 AND HE CLIMBS ALL THE WAY TO THE TOP OF THE LADDER. 1163 00:43:23,078 --> 00:43:25,298 DAD LIGHTS A CIGAR, GETS IT SMOKING REAL GOOD, 1164 00:43:25,341 --> 00:43:26,429 STICKS IT IN MOM'S ASS, 1165 00:43:26,473 --> 00:43:27,996 SHE BLOWS A SMOKE RING OUT OF HER TWAT, 1166 00:43:28,040 --> 00:43:29,563 AND THE SON DIVES THROUGH IT. 1167 00:43:29,607 --> 00:43:30,956 EVERYBODY LOVES THIS IN THE CIRCUS 1168 00:43:30,999 --> 00:43:33,045 WHERE THEY FIT A BUNCH OF CLOWNS INTO A CAR 1169 00:43:33,088 --> 00:43:34,655 AND THEY ALL COME OUT AND THE AUDIENCE... 1170 00:43:34,699 --> 00:43:37,919 YOU SEE THE KIDS' EYES JUST OPEN UP WITH AWE. 1171 00:43:37,963 --> 00:43:39,529 IT'S JUST THE MOST AMAZING THING. 1172 00:43:39,573 --> 00:43:44,230 IT'S LIKE THAT, EXCEPT WE ALL FIT INTO THIS WOMAN'S CUNT. 1173 00:43:44,273 --> 00:43:47,146 SHE RIDES AROUND A LITTLE RING ON A BICYCLE 1174 00:43:47,189 --> 00:43:50,889 AND WHEN SHE STOPS, WE ALL POP OUT OF HER CUNT, 1175 00:43:50,932 --> 00:43:55,023 AND SPIT CUNT JUICE AT THE AUDIENCE, WHICH GETS THEM INVOLVED. 1176 00:43:55,067 --> 00:43:57,983 THEY GET A LITTLE WET. IT'S LIKE KIND OF A GALLAGHER THING. 1177 00:43:58,026 --> 00:44:00,899 SOMETIMES THERE'S MUCUS AND LITTLE CUNT LOOGIES. 1178 00:44:00,942 --> 00:44:04,119 AND WE CAN MAKE LITTLE ANIMALS AND THINGS LIKE THAT AND... 1179 00:44:04,163 --> 00:44:06,644 OUT OF THE... THE CUNT SNOT. 1180 00:44:06,687 --> 00:44:08,080 AND WE GIVE THOSE TO THE KIDS. 1181 00:44:08,123 --> 00:44:10,169 TERRIFIC. 1182 00:44:10,212 --> 00:44:12,780 THERE'D BE OTHERS BUT WITH MORE IRONY OR SLIGHTLY MORE SARCASM; 1183 00:44:12,824 --> 00:44:14,521 A WRY SENSE OF LOOKING AT THE WORLD. 1184 00:44:14,564 --> 00:44:16,741 THE GUY GOES IN TO, UH, GET AN AGENT, 1185 00:44:16,784 --> 00:44:18,917 THE AGENT SAYS, "WHAT DO YOU GUYS DO?" 1186 00:44:18,960 --> 00:44:20,179 HE SAYS, "YOU KNOW, MY WIFE AND I..." 1187 00:44:20,222 --> 00:44:21,528 HAVE YOU HEARD THIS ONE? 1188 00:44:21,571 --> 00:44:23,182 IT WOULDN'T BE THE ONION IF WE GOT JESUS IN IT. 1189 00:44:23,225 --> 00:44:24,574 Man: THAT WOULD BE WEIRD, WOULDN'T IT? 1190 00:44:24,618 --> 00:44:27,142 THE GRANDFATHER FUCKING JESUS IN THE ASS. 1191 00:44:27,186 --> 00:44:28,404 YOU KNOW WHAT'S SOMETHING THAT IS OFFENSIVE NOW? 1192 00:44:28,448 --> 00:44:29,275 GAY-BASHING. 1193 00:44:29,318 --> 00:44:30,885 BUT IF IT'S GAY-BASHING, 1194 00:44:30,929 --> 00:44:32,887 THEN WE CAN'T HAVE ANY GAY SEX IN THE ACT. 1195 00:44:32,931 --> 00:44:34,584 THROWING IN GAY SEX 1196 00:44:34,628 --> 00:44:36,325 HAS NEVER DETERRED ANYONE FROM BASHING GAYS. 1197 00:44:36,369 --> 00:44:37,370 YEAH, YEAH, YEAH. 1198 00:44:37,413 --> 00:44:38,719 I KIND OF THINK WE COULD DO BOTH. 1199 00:44:38,763 --> 00:44:40,460 I THINK THEY COULD SODOMIZE JESUS 1200 00:44:40,503 --> 00:44:41,896 UP THE ASS AND SAY... 1201 00:44:41,940 --> 00:44:43,419 YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH. 1202 00:44:43,463 --> 00:44:44,464 AND SAY, "THIS IS BECAUSE YOU'RE 1203 00:44:44,507 --> 00:44:45,508 A FAGGOT." THEY COULD. 1204 00:44:45,552 --> 00:44:47,902 YOU PROBABLY LIKE THIS, FAGGOT! 1205 00:44:47,946 --> 00:44:49,730 THERE ARE GUYS WHO ARE MADE TO TELL THIS JOKE. 1206 00:44:49,774 --> 00:44:52,385 SOME PEOPLE THINK I HAVE A REPUTATION OF BEING A DIRTY COMEDIAN, 1207 00:44:52,428 --> 00:44:54,996 AND I DON'T REALLY WANT TO EXPOSE THAT, ANYWHERE. 1208 00:44:55,040 --> 00:44:58,347 'CAUSE I THINK I'VE... YOU KNOW, I'M REALLY A FAMILY KIND OF, ORIENTED GUY, 1209 00:44:58,391 --> 00:44:59,784 WHICH BRINGS ME TO THIS JOKE. 1210 00:45:01,786 --> 00:45:04,092 OH, SAGET. NOW THERE IS A MAN 1211 00:45:04,136 --> 00:45:06,573 WHO WALKS AROUND TELLING "THE ARISTOCRAT" JOKE IN LIFE! 1212 00:45:06,616 --> 00:45:09,358 THAT'S MY FRIEND PAUL, AND RIGHT NOW I'M LOOKING AT HIS DINGER. 1213 00:45:09,402 --> 00:45:10,882 HE'S GOT A VERY HUGE, UH, WIENER. 1214 00:45:10,925 --> 00:45:13,754 IT'S ABOUT... ABOUT THAT BIG. 1215 00:45:13,798 --> 00:45:15,756 I BELIEVE THAT'S SHANDLING'S JOKE, I'M PRETTY SURE. 1216 00:45:15,800 --> 00:45:17,584 WHEN YOU LIFT SOMETHING IT BETTER BE A COCK. 1217 00:45:17,627 --> 00:45:19,064 I'M SORRY. 1218 00:45:19,107 --> 00:45:23,155 ONCE FOR HANUKKAH HE GAVE ME, UM, SOME SLIM TAMPAX. 1219 00:45:23,198 --> 00:45:25,331 HE SAID "LEAVE THEM OUT, SO GUYS WILL THINK YOU'RE REALLY TIGHT." 1220 00:45:25,374 --> 00:45:26,985 [ Laughing ] 1221 00:45:27,028 --> 00:45:29,030 HERE WE GO. THIS FAMILY: 1222 00:45:29,074 --> 00:45:30,858 A MOTHER, FATHER, AND FOUR KIDS, 1223 00:45:30,902 --> 00:45:32,251 DOESN'T MATTER IF THEY'RE BOYS OR GIRLS 1224 00:45:32,294 --> 00:45:34,166 AND THEY'RE GOING TO BE USED ANYWAY, 1225 00:45:34,209 --> 00:45:36,037 AS JUST NOTHING MORE THAN A HOLE, 1226 00:45:36,081 --> 00:45:37,430 IS WHAT THIS JOKE'S ABOUT ANYWAY. 1227 00:45:37,473 --> 00:45:38,997 IT'S ABOUT USING YOUR KID. 1228 00:45:39,040 --> 00:45:40,825 YOU KNOW, IF THEY HAVE A PAPER ROUTE TO GO TO SCHOOL, 1229 00:45:40,868 --> 00:45:41,869 AND THEN YOU FUCK THEM. 1230 00:45:41,913 --> 00:45:43,131 NO, THAT'S...THAT'S... 1231 00:45:43,175 --> 00:45:46,656 HIS AIM IS TO GET AS MANY DISGUSTING THOUGHTS 1232 00:45:46,700 --> 00:45:48,484 INTO SENTENCES AS POSSIBLE. 1233 00:45:48,528 --> 00:45:50,399 AND THE AGENT GOES, "WELL WHAT DO YOU PEOPLE DO?" 1234 00:45:50,443 --> 00:45:53,011 THE FATHER'S LIKE... "WATCH US." 1235 00:45:53,054 --> 00:45:55,753 HE TAKES HER WIFE'S BRA AND HE RIPS OFF HER UNDERWEAR, 1236 00:45:55,796 --> 00:45:57,406 AND HE TAKES SOME OF HER PUBES WITH IT, 1237 00:45:57,450 --> 00:45:58,843 IT'S HORRIBLE AND THERE'S A LITTLE BIT OF BLOOD 1238 00:45:58,886 --> 00:45:59,800 STARTS DRIPPING DOWN HER LEG. 1239 00:45:59,844 --> 00:46:01,062 SO HE JUST PULLS OUT THE TAMPON 1240 00:46:01,106 --> 00:46:02,890 AND THROWS IT AT THE WINDOW, AND IT STICKS. 1241 00:46:02,934 --> 00:46:05,023 THEY GO DOWN ON EACH OTHER IN ALL DIFFERENT CONFIGURATIONS: 1242 00:46:05,066 --> 00:46:06,764 IT'S 69, IT'S 29, 1243 00:46:06,807 --> 00:46:08,156 'CAUSE THE KIDS ARE YOUNG, IT'S 9. 1244 00:46:08,200 --> 00:46:10,985 THE FATHER BENDS HIS KID OVER ON THE GUY'S DESK 1245 00:46:11,029 --> 00:46:13,031 AND HE'S LIKE TAKIN' HIM FROM BEHIND, WHICH ISN'T RIGHT. 1246 00:46:13,074 --> 00:46:14,293 I JUST WANT TO SAY RIGHT NOW, 1247 00:46:14,336 --> 00:46:15,598 IF ANY OF YOU PEOPLE ARE DOING THIS 1248 00:46:15,642 --> 00:46:16,774 THAT ARE WATCHING THIS, 1249 00:46:16,817 --> 00:46:17,992 IF YOU'RE HAVING SEX WITH YOUR FAMILY, 1250 00:46:18,036 --> 00:46:19,951 I DON'T CONDONE IT. I THINK IT'S WRONG. 1251 00:46:19,994 --> 00:46:21,517 I DO A LOT OF P.S.A.s 1252 00:46:21,561 --> 00:46:24,042 TO SUPPORT "DO NOT FUCK YOUR FAMILY". 1253 00:46:24,085 --> 00:46:25,957 SO THEY'RE ALL FUCKING EACH OTHER, RIGHT? 1254 00:46:26,000 --> 00:46:27,741 ALL OF A SUDDEN THE KID CAN'T TAKE IT. 1255 00:46:27,785 --> 00:46:29,569 DIARRHEA STARTS SQUIRTING OUT OF HIS ASS. 1256 00:46:29,612 --> 00:46:31,832 IT'S LIKE A HAEMORRHAGING SHIT-ASS. 1257 00:46:31,876 --> 00:46:34,226 THE KID STARTS SPINNING IN A CIRCLE 'CAUSE HE CAN'T CONTROL IT. 1258 00:46:34,269 --> 00:46:35,618 IT'S KIND OF LIKE CURLY IN "THE STOOGES". 1259 00:46:35,662 --> 00:46:36,924 [ Imitating Curly ] "MO, LARRY, THE CHEESE." 1260 00:46:36,968 --> 00:46:39,100 THE PROJECTILE SHIT IS JUST FLYING OUT OF HIM, 1261 00:46:39,144 --> 00:46:41,450 IT'S GOING ALL OVER THE ROOM. IT'S LIKE SPIN ART, 1262 00:46:41,494 --> 00:46:43,801 SO YOU DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO SHIT OR PUKE IN THIS ROOM, 1263 00:46:43,844 --> 00:46:46,934 THAT'S HOW... WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING? 1264 00:46:51,504 --> 00:46:52,984 THEN! WAIT, THERE'S MORE. 1265 00:46:53,027 --> 00:46:55,160 YOU GET TO BE A COMIC FOR COMICS. 1266 00:46:55,203 --> 00:46:58,076 THIS IS... THIS IS FUN. 1267 00:46:58,119 --> 00:46:59,381 SO THEN THEY START SINGING "MAKE 'EM L..." 1268 00:47:01,514 --> 00:47:02,515 AND "BE A CLOWN". 1269 00:47:04,865 --> 00:47:06,649 THE FATHER'S HAEMORRHOID POPS, RIGHT? 1270 00:47:06,693 --> 00:47:08,608 SO HE GRABS IT UP, PUTS IT ON THE END OF HIS NOSE 1271 00:47:08,651 --> 00:47:09,870 LIKE A CLOWN, LIKE EMMETT KELLY, 1272 00:47:09,914 --> 00:47:11,654 EXCEPT HE'S COVERED IN SHIT. 1273 00:47:11,698 --> 00:47:12,830 THEN THEY ALL START MAKING OUT. 1274 00:47:15,223 --> 00:47:16,790 YOU KNOW, THEY'RE MAD 1275 00:47:16,834 --> 00:47:19,097 'CAUSE ALL KIDDING ASIDE... 1276 00:47:19,140 --> 00:47:20,968 BY THE WAY THIS WOULD BE A GOOD TIME RIGHT NOW 1277 00:47:21,012 --> 00:47:23,492 TO TAKE YOUR PANTS OFF AND GET SOME LOTION, 1278 00:47:23,536 --> 00:47:25,364 'CAUSE THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS NEXT WITH THIS FAMILY. 1279 00:47:25,407 --> 00:47:26,669 THEY JUST START JACKIN' AND... 1280 00:47:29,498 --> 00:47:32,327 [ Snorting ] OH, CAN I GET A COPY OF THIS? 1281 00:47:32,371 --> 00:47:35,330 I'D LIKE TO SEND IT TO THE KIDS ON THE SHOW "FULL HOUSE" IF I COULD. 1282 00:47:35,374 --> 00:47:37,637 IT WAS JUST AN OPPORTUNITY TO BE VILE, 1283 00:47:37,680 --> 00:47:39,900 FOR NO REASON AT ALL, 1284 00:47:39,944 --> 00:47:40,901 SO I USED TO LOVE IT. 1285 00:47:40,945 --> 00:47:42,337 FATHER CAN'T HELP HIMSELF, 1286 00:47:42,381 --> 00:47:44,209 HAULS BACK, SMACKS WIFE RIGHT IN THE MOUTH, 1287 00:47:44,252 --> 00:47:45,993 KNOCKS ALL OF HER TEETH OUT. 1288 00:47:46,037 --> 00:47:48,996 STICK HIS FIST, ACCIDENTALLY MIND YOU, 1289 00:47:49,040 --> 00:47:51,651 DOWN HER TOOTHLESS THROAT. 1290 00:47:51,694 --> 00:47:54,045 UNBELIEVABLE, HE ACTUALLY FISTS HER NECK. 1291 00:47:54,088 --> 00:47:56,482 I LOVE THE IDEA OF FLOATING RIGHT PAST THAT, 1292 00:47:56,525 --> 00:47:58,136 AS IF THIS IS THE MOST NORMAL 1293 00:47:58,179 --> 00:48:00,921 AND THE THING YOU'RE MOST USED TO DOING. 1294 00:48:00,965 --> 00:48:04,490 I CUM INSIDE MY DAUGHTER'S ASSHOLE AND... 1295 00:48:04,533 --> 00:48:06,274 AND THEN MY WIFE FELTCHES IT... 1296 00:48:06,318 --> 00:48:07,928 I'M NOT SURE IF YOU'RE FAMILIAR WITH FELTCHING... 1297 00:48:07,972 --> 00:48:10,104 FELCTHING IS WHERE YOU FUCK SOMEBODY IN THE ASS 1298 00:48:10,148 --> 00:48:10,844 AND THEN YOU... 1299 00:48:12,150 --> 00:48:13,934 SUCK THE CUM OUT. 1300 00:48:13,978 --> 00:48:14,935 TASTY. 1301 00:48:14,979 --> 00:48:17,764 JIZZ STRAIGHT: IT'S GOOD, 1302 00:48:17,807 --> 00:48:19,548 BUT IF IT HAS THAT LITTLE TASTE OF SHIT... 1303 00:48:20,985 --> 00:48:23,509 WE ALSO HAVE, THE "DIRTY SANCHEZ". 1304 00:48:23,552 --> 00:48:26,164 THAT'S WHERE YOU FUCK SOMEBODY IN THE ASS, THEN YOU PULL IT OUT, 1305 00:48:26,207 --> 00:48:28,949 THEN YOU GIVE THE GIRL A MOUSTACHE WITH THE SHIT THAT'S ON YOUR DICK. 1306 00:48:28,993 --> 00:48:30,733 MEXICAN MOUSTACHE. DING, DING. 1307 00:48:30,777 --> 00:48:32,431 THEN THERE'S THE "STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE". 1308 00:48:32,474 --> 00:48:33,998 HE JERKS OFF ON HER FACE 1309 00:48:34,041 --> 00:48:35,695 AND PUNCHES HER IN THE NOSE! 1310 00:48:35,738 --> 00:48:38,741 SHE'S BLEEDING, AND THERE'S WHITE... 1311 00:48:38,785 --> 00:48:41,440 THEN A "RUSTY TROMBONE", OBVIOUSLY, YOU KNOW. 1312 00:48:41,483 --> 00:48:43,703 C'MON! THE "RUSTY TROMBONE", PEOPLE'VE HEARD IT. 1313 00:48:43,746 --> 00:48:45,966 YOU KNOW, YOU SPREAD A MAN'S ASSHOLE, 1314 00:48:46,010 --> 00:48:48,229 AND THEN THERE'S THE RUSTY HOLE. 1315 00:48:48,273 --> 00:48:50,971 AND I LICK HIS ASS WHILE I REACH AROUND AND JERK HIM OFF. 1316 00:48:51,015 --> 00:48:51,667 AND THAT'S HOW YA... 1317 00:48:54,453 --> 00:48:55,845 AND THEN THERE'S "SPACE DOCKING" 1318 00:48:55,889 --> 00:48:57,195 WHERE YOU TAKE A SHIT IN A GIRL'S PUSSY. 1319 00:48:57,238 --> 00:48:58,587 I DON'T THINK ANYONE'S EVER DONE THAT. 1320 00:48:58,631 --> 00:48:59,937 I WOULD MAKE SURE 1321 00:48:59,980 --> 00:49:02,983 THAT I WAS TREATING THOSE THINGS AS... 1322 00:49:03,027 --> 00:49:05,159 "AND THEN HE TOOK OUT THE CARBURETOR, 1323 00:49:05,203 --> 00:49:07,814 AND HE BEGAN TO TAKE THE CARBURETOR APART, AND THE INTAKE..." 1324 00:49:07,857 --> 00:49:09,859 I'M FUCKING MY DAUGHTER, YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND, 1325 00:49:09,903 --> 00:49:11,470 WHILE SHE'S KNOBBING MY SON. 1326 00:49:11,513 --> 00:49:13,994 AND... AND HE'S NOT TRYING TO BE FOUL, 1327 00:49:14,038 --> 00:49:16,866 BUT HE GENUINELY BELIEVES IT'S REALLY QUITE NOVEL WHAT WE DO, 1328 00:49:16,910 --> 00:49:18,216 AND... AND YOU'D BE CRAZY NOT TO HIRE US. 1329 00:49:18,259 --> 00:49:19,608 AND MAKE IT AS MATTER OF FACT AS POSSIBLE. 1330 00:49:19,652 --> 00:49:21,436 THAT'S THE JOY FOR ME 1331 00:49:21,480 --> 00:49:25,266 OF SAYING SOMETHING THAT VIOLATES SOMEONE'S BOUNDARIES. 1332 00:49:25,310 --> 00:49:27,094 THE MOTHER CLIPS ALL THE NAILS OFF OF ONE OF HER HANDS, 1333 00:49:27,138 --> 00:49:28,574 PUTS IT UP HER DAUGHTER, 1334 00:49:28,617 --> 00:49:30,010 AND STARTS WORKING HER LIKE A PUPPET. 1335 00:49:30,054 --> 00:49:31,881 THE FATHER'S GOT SMELLING SALTS 1336 00:49:31,925 --> 00:49:33,579 THAT HE'S BEEN GIVING TO HIS KIDS 1337 00:49:33,622 --> 00:49:35,711 WHO KEEP PASSING OUT, YOU KNOW, 1338 00:49:35,755 --> 00:49:37,409 FROM THE FACT THAT THEIR HEADS ARE BLEEDING 1339 00:49:37,452 --> 00:49:39,846 AND THEY'VE BEEN ANALLY RAPED IN FRONT OF AN AGENT, YET. 1340 00:49:39,889 --> 00:49:41,674 THE MOTHER HAD A BIG BOIL ON HER BACK. 1341 00:49:41,717 --> 00:49:43,458 THAT POPPED. 1342 00:49:43,502 --> 00:49:45,417 YOU ALWAYS WANT TO MAKE SURE THAT YOU HAVEN'T LEFT ANYTHING OUT, 1343 00:49:45,460 --> 00:49:47,985 BECAUSE YOU KNOW THAT THERE'S ALWAYS THE CHANCE TO BE TOPPED. 1344 00:49:48,028 --> 00:49:49,160 HE TAKES OUT HIS PENIS 1345 00:49:49,203 --> 00:49:51,162 AND HE GOES OVER TO THE AGENT'S DESK, 1346 00:49:51,205 --> 00:49:53,816 HE STARTS SLAMMING HIS DICK IN THE DRAWER. 1347 00:49:53,860 --> 00:49:56,210 JUST FLATTENS IT RIGHT OUT LIKE A BOOKMARK, 1348 00:49:56,254 --> 00:49:57,777 AND THEN JUST STARTS SMACKING HIS KIDS WITH IT. 1349 00:49:57,820 --> 00:49:59,909 FLICKS THEM LIKE A WET TOWEL AT THE GYM. 1350 00:49:59,953 --> 00:50:01,737 AND HE KNOCKS ONE OF HIS KIDS RIGHT IN THE EYE, 1351 00:50:01,781 --> 00:50:03,391 AND THE KID'S EYE POPS OUT. WELL... 1352 00:50:03,435 --> 00:50:05,393 HE LOOKS AT THAT AS AN OPPORTUNITY, MIND YOU. 1353 00:50:05,437 --> 00:50:07,047 JUST TRYING TO GO FURTHER 1354 00:50:07,091 --> 00:50:09,310 THAN ANYONE HAD EVER GONE BEFORE. 1355 00:50:09,354 --> 00:50:13,010 JUST PUTS HIS FLAT WIENER RIGHT IN THAT EYE SOCKET. 1356 00:50:13,053 --> 00:50:15,708 GETS CAUGHT. GETS CAUGHT ON THE BACK OF HIS RETINA, 1357 00:50:15,751 --> 00:50:17,623 AND HE STARTS TRYING TO GET HIM OFF OF HIM, 1358 00:50:17,666 --> 00:50:19,277 AND HE'S COCKEYED. NO? OKAY. 1359 00:50:19,320 --> 00:50:20,365 SO ALL THIS IS GOING ON... 1360 00:50:20,408 --> 00:50:21,409 Audience: [ Laughter ] 1361 00:50:21,453 --> 00:50:22,454 OH, YOU KNOW WHAT? I GOT TO GO ON. 1362 00:50:22,497 --> 00:50:24,195 I'M SORRY. I GOT PEOPLE TO ENTERTAIN. 1363 00:50:24,238 --> 00:50:26,110 EXCUSE ME. 1364 00:50:26,153 --> 00:50:27,807 WHAT IS SO UNIQUE ABOUT THIS JOKE 1365 00:50:27,850 --> 00:50:30,766 IS THAT IT'S SO ABSURDLY FRONT-LOADED 1366 00:50:30,810 --> 00:50:32,333 THAT IT'S ALMOST THE OPPOSITE OF A JOKE. 1367 00:50:32,377 --> 00:50:34,640 STEAM IS BUILT UP IN THE SET-UP. 1368 00:50:34,683 --> 00:50:35,815 THERE'S SOMETHING VERY SATISFYING 1369 00:50:35,858 --> 00:50:37,251 IN THAT STRUCTURE ITSELF 1370 00:50:37,295 --> 00:50:38,861 OF MOMENTUM, MOMENTUM, MOMENTUM, MOMENTUM 1371 00:50:38,905 --> 00:50:40,863 AND THE PUNCHLINE, BY THE WAY, MEANS NOTHING. 1372 00:50:40,907 --> 00:50:43,040 THERE'S SOMETHING VERY SATISFYING IN THAT. 1373 00:50:43,083 --> 00:50:45,085 BUT IT IS THE KIND OF JOKE THAT, YOU KNOW, 1374 00:50:45,129 --> 00:50:46,913 IF YOU SPENT THIS MUCH TIME ON A SET-UP, 1375 00:50:46,956 --> 00:50:48,784 AND THEN THE PUNCHLINE WAS "THE ARISTOCRATS" 1376 00:50:48,828 --> 00:50:51,091 OR ANYTHING, MOST PEOPLE ARE GOING TO GO, "HUH". 1377 00:50:51,135 --> 00:50:52,614 [ Laughter ] 1378 00:50:52,658 --> 00:50:54,268 HE SAYS, "THE ARISTOCRATS"! 1379 00:50:55,487 --> 00:50:56,792 OH, LORD. 1380 00:50:58,185 --> 00:50:59,839 HERE, HAVE SOME MONEY. 1381 00:50:59,882 --> 00:51:03,016 THE PUNCHLINE IS ALMOST INTENTIONALLY... 1382 00:51:03,060 --> 00:51:06,106 NOT LAME, BUT WEAKER THAN YOU MIGHT HAVE EXPECTED IT TO BE. 1383 00:51:06,150 --> 00:51:08,108 BUT THE JOURNEY IS SO MUCH FUN, 1384 00:51:08,152 --> 00:51:09,414 THAT YOU JUST DON'T CARE. 1385 00:51:09,457 --> 00:51:11,155 I'M NOT EVEN SURE WHAT THIS MEANS BY THE WAY. 1386 00:51:11,198 --> 00:51:13,592 THE PUNCHLINE CAN BE THE ICING ON THE CAKE, 1387 00:51:13,635 --> 00:51:15,420 BUT THE CAKE CAN BE REALLY DELICIOUS. 1388 00:51:15,463 --> 00:51:16,943 THEY SLICE THAT LITTLE LINE 1389 00:51:16,986 --> 00:51:18,205 THAT RUNS UP THE MIDDLE OF THE TESTICLES, 1390 00:51:18,249 --> 00:51:20,425 LIKE A BUTTERFLY SHRIMP AT BENIHANA. 1391 00:51:20,468 --> 00:51:22,818 NOW IT LOOKS LIKE SOME STRANGE SORT OF MOUTH. 1392 00:51:22,862 --> 00:51:24,994 SO THEY HAVE VENTRILOQUIST NUT SACKS. 1393 00:51:25,038 --> 00:51:26,953 AND THEN, THEY BROUGHT SOME CHILDREN OUT ON STAGE. 1394 00:51:26,996 --> 00:51:28,781 THAT WAS SWEET. ONE GUY LAYS DOWN WITH, 1395 00:51:28,824 --> 00:51:31,958 YOU KNOW, HE'S GOT A ROD THE SIZE OF MY ARM, 1396 00:51:32,001 --> 00:51:34,874 AND BALANCED THE KID, UP HIS ASS, ON THE GUY'S ROD. 1397 00:51:34,917 --> 00:51:36,963 THEN THEY JERK THE KID OFF. THEY GET THE KID HARD, 1398 00:51:37,006 --> 00:51:38,965 NOW THEY PUT ANOTHER NAKED KID, HIS ASS ON THAT. 1399 00:51:39,008 --> 00:51:41,228 THEY'RE BUILDING LIKE A TOWER, IT'S... 1400 00:51:41,272 --> 00:51:42,795 IT'S SOMETHING YOU GOT TO SEE TO BELIEVE. IT'S PHENOMENAL. 1401 00:51:42,838 --> 00:51:44,666 BY SPINNING EACH KID IN A DIFFERENT DIRECTION, 1402 00:51:44,710 --> 00:51:46,799 YOU GET THIS KIND OF... THING. 1403 00:51:46,842 --> 00:51:48,714 IT WAS ACTUALLY LOVELY AND HAD GREAT LIGHTING. 1404 00:51:48,757 --> 00:51:50,281 THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO TELL IT, WHO TUMBLE 1405 00:51:50,324 --> 00:51:51,891 AND MAKE IT GREAT, 1406 00:51:51,934 --> 00:51:54,154 AND MAKE THE ACT MORE INTERESTING AND FABULOUS. 1407 00:51:54,198 --> 00:51:56,548 AND THEN THE ANIMAL PART CAME ON. 1408 00:51:56,591 --> 00:51:58,115 AND I'M TRYING TO REMEMBER EVERYTHING I SAW: 1409 00:51:58,158 --> 00:51:59,290 A DONKEY, LLAMA, CAMEL. 1410 00:51:59,333 --> 00:52:00,726 SOMETHING THAT LOOKED LIKE A BISON. 1411 00:52:00,769 --> 00:52:02,162 I'M GUESSING, I'VE NEVER SEEN A BISON. 1412 00:52:02,206 --> 00:52:04,251 A GIANT ANIMAL THAT THEY BROUGHT OUT 1413 00:52:04,295 --> 00:52:05,383 THAT YOU WERE RUBBING. 1414 00:52:05,426 --> 00:52:06,471 OH, THAT WASN'T AN ANIMAL, 1415 00:52:06,514 --> 00:52:08,125 THAT WASN'T AN ANIMAL. WHAT WAS IT? 1416 00:52:08,168 --> 00:52:09,387 IT WASN'T AN ANIMAL. 1417 00:52:09,430 --> 00:52:11,954 WE'RE SO CONDITIONED NOW TO SITCOM HUMOUR, 1418 00:52:11,998 --> 00:52:13,695 WHERE IT'S SET-UP, PUNCHLINE, 1419 00:52:13,739 --> 00:52:15,349 THEY THINK THEY'RE MISSING IT. THEY DON'T... 1420 00:52:15,393 --> 00:52:17,525 THEY DON'T UNDERSTAND THAT THE JOURNEY IS THE FUN. 1421 00:52:17,569 --> 00:52:19,701 WHAT INTRIGUES ME IS HOW IN AMERICA, 1422 00:52:19,745 --> 00:52:21,790 YOU CAN LAUGH AT SOMETHING LIKE ARISTOCRATS 1423 00:52:21,834 --> 00:52:22,791 'CAUSE YOU DON'T HAVE ARISTOCRATS. 1424 00:52:22,835 --> 00:52:25,446 WHY DOES THAT WORK IN AMERICA? 1425 00:52:25,490 --> 00:52:28,710 THAT MUCH FOUL FILTH NEEDS A WORD LIKE "ARISTOCRATS". 1426 00:52:28,754 --> 00:52:31,104 IT ALMOST SOUNDS QUAINT THAT YOU CAN PUT A CUTE CAP 1427 00:52:31,148 --> 00:52:34,238 ON SOMETHING THAT RANCID, THAT'S JUST AS UGLY AS YOU CAN BE 1428 00:52:34,281 --> 00:52:35,891 AND IT'S LIKE, "THE ARISTOCRATS". 1429 00:52:35,935 --> 00:52:37,937 A FORM OF SOCIETY THAT DOESN'T EVEN EXIST. 1430 00:52:37,980 --> 00:52:39,634 I'M NOT GOING TO LIE, THE FIRST TIME I HEARD IT 1431 00:52:39,678 --> 00:52:41,941 I SAID, "WHAT'S AN ARISTOCRAT?" 1432 00:52:41,984 --> 00:52:42,985 AND I HAD NO IDEA. 1433 00:52:43,029 --> 00:52:44,944 JUST THIS ODD WORD, 1434 00:52:44,987 --> 00:52:47,599 BUT IT'S THE ONLY WORD THAT WOULD SATISFY THAT HUNK OF FILTH. 1435 00:52:47,642 --> 00:52:48,687 NOW I HAVE HEARD THE TWIST 1436 00:52:48,730 --> 00:52:50,167 OF CALLING THEM "THE SOPHISTICATES". 1437 00:52:52,386 --> 00:52:53,996 IT ALSO WORKED. ACTUALLY, MAYBE EVEN A LITTLE BETTER. 1438 00:52:54,040 --> 00:52:55,259 MAYBE A LITTLE BETTER EVEN. 1439 00:52:55,302 --> 00:52:57,086 THAT'S NICE; "THE SOPHISTICATES". 1440 00:52:57,130 --> 00:52:59,001 I PERSONALLY THINK IT'S A MUCH BETTER CHOICE, "THE SOPHISTICATES". 1441 00:52:59,045 --> 00:53:00,133 "OH, WE'RE 'SOPHISTICATES'." 1442 00:53:00,177 --> 00:53:01,613 JUST THE GOOFINESS OF A PERSON 1443 00:53:01,656 --> 00:53:02,918 TURNING THE JOKE UPON THEMSELF, 1444 00:53:02,962 --> 00:53:05,660 WHEREAS ARISTOCRATS ARE SELDOM SELF-APPOINTED, 1445 00:53:05,704 --> 00:53:07,923 THEREFORE, THE JOKE IS SATIRE. 1446 00:53:07,967 --> 00:53:09,098 THAT'S A POLITICAL STATEMENT. 1447 00:53:09,142 --> 00:53:10,187 Man: YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD BE GREAT 1448 00:53:10,230 --> 00:53:11,275 IS JUST TO ADD TO THIS LIST 1449 00:53:11,318 --> 00:53:12,493 OF SHIT-EATING AND EVERYTHING ELSE, 1450 00:53:12,537 --> 00:53:14,060 IS JUST ADD REPUBLICAN. 1451 00:53:14,103 --> 00:53:15,496 [ Laughter ] 1452 00:53:15,540 --> 00:53:16,628 AND THE DEMOCRATS TOO. 1453 00:53:16,671 --> 00:53:18,325 IT'S NOT ABOUT DEMOCRATS AND REPUBLICANS. 1454 00:53:18,369 --> 00:53:21,154 BECAUSE OF THE LANGUAGE AND THE IMAGES, 1455 00:53:21,198 --> 00:53:23,243 THAT GIVES IT A POLITICAL SLANT. 1456 00:53:23,287 --> 00:53:24,810 I DON'T THINK THE ORIGINAL INTENT 1457 00:53:24,853 --> 00:53:28,074 WAS TO DO ANYTHING BUT TELL A WILD JOKE. 1458 00:53:28,117 --> 00:53:30,685 THERE'S NO ACT IN ENGLAND THAT AN ARISTOCRAT WOULDN'T DO... 1459 00:53:32,948 --> 00:53:34,515 IF IT DOESN'T INVOLVE SHAGGING ANIMALS 1460 00:53:34,559 --> 00:53:37,126 OR FIST-FUCKING COWS, OR ANYTHING. 1461 00:53:37,170 --> 00:53:40,913 THIS WAS THE EVENING OF "MONTY PYTHON AND THE HOLY GRAIL". 1462 00:53:40,956 --> 00:53:43,481 AS YOU CAN SEE, THERE'S OUR FRIEND ERIC IDLE, 1463 00:53:43,524 --> 00:53:46,179 GEORGE HARRISON, AND TERRY GILLIAN. 1464 00:53:46,223 --> 00:53:47,833 WE WERE, YOU KNOW, JUST TELLING JOKES 1465 00:53:47,876 --> 00:53:51,184 AND GEORGE SAID, "INSTEAD OF 'ARISTOCRAT' OR 'SOPHISTICATES', 1466 00:53:51,228 --> 00:53:52,316 WE USE 'ROYALTY'." 1467 00:53:53,621 --> 00:53:55,406 WHICH IS AN EVEN FUNNIER JOKE. 1468 00:53:55,449 --> 00:53:57,103 AN ENGLISH ONE APPARENTLY; THERE'S "DEBONAIRS" 1469 00:53:57,146 --> 00:53:58,409 BUT THAT DOESN'T REALLY GRAB ME. 1470 00:53:58,452 --> 00:54:01,499 WHEN I HEARD IT, IT WAS "THE DEBONAIRS", 1471 00:54:01,542 --> 00:54:03,936 WHICH I THINK IS EVEN FUNNIER. 1472 00:54:03,979 --> 00:54:05,677 IT HAS A CERTAIN JE NE SAIS QUOI. 1473 00:54:05,720 --> 00:54:08,288 "THE DEBONAIRS". I LIKE THAT. 1474 00:54:08,332 --> 00:54:12,336 THE, UH, "THE ARISTOCRATS" IS PRETTY FUNNY THE MORE YOU THINK ABOUT IT! 1475 00:54:12,379 --> 00:54:14,686 I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE OTHER GUYS ARE TELLING YOU. I HAVE THE ORIGINAL. 1476 00:54:14,729 --> 00:54:16,383 THE ORIGINAL WAS THAT PEOPLE WERE SIGNING THE DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE. 1477 00:54:16,427 --> 00:54:17,819 THEY WERE GOING TO HAVE A BIG PARTY. 1478 00:54:17,863 --> 00:54:19,299 THAT'S THE ORIGINAL WAY IT WAS TOLD. 1479 00:54:19,343 --> 00:54:21,693 I'M FROM PHILADELPHIA. YOU GO TO INDEPENDENCE HALL, 1480 00:54:21,736 --> 00:54:23,956 YOU SEE THE LIBERTY BELL, THE DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE AND ALL THAT, 1481 00:54:23,999 --> 00:54:28,874 AND THERE IS, FRAMED, A SKETCH OF THE ORIGINAL TELLING OF "THE ARISTOCRAT". 1482 00:54:28,917 --> 00:54:31,093 AND YOU SEE BEN FRANKLIN LAUGHING 1483 00:54:31,137 --> 00:54:33,400 AND YOU SEE BETSY ROSS TAKING A DUMP. 1484 00:54:33,444 --> 00:54:35,489 BECAUSE THE ORIGINAL JOKE, WHEN THEY SLID, 1485 00:54:35,533 --> 00:54:36,664 THROUGH THE SHIT AND VOMIT, 1486 00:54:36,708 --> 00:54:38,231 THEY HIT THE BELL. 1487 00:54:38,275 --> 00:54:39,798 AND THAT'S WHAT CRACKED THE BELL. 1488 00:54:39,841 --> 00:54:42,757 YOU LOOK AT THE SIGNERS. THERE'S ONE VERY HEAVY SIGNER. 1489 00:54:42,801 --> 00:54:44,063 HE'S THE ONE THAT FUCKED UP THE BELL. 1490 00:54:44,106 --> 00:54:45,847 I TOLD THE ORIGINAL. 1491 00:54:45,891 --> 00:54:47,675 YOU WATCH, A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE GOING TO TELL THIS "ARISTOCRAT" 1492 00:54:47,719 --> 00:54:49,329 A DIFFERENT WAY, AND THAT'S FUCKED. 1493 00:54:49,373 --> 00:54:51,157 [ With foreign accent ] UH... THIS JOKE, 1494 00:54:51,200 --> 00:54:53,464 MY GRANDFATHER TOLD MY FATHER. 1495 00:54:53,507 --> 00:54:55,292 HE HEARD IT FROM HIS GRANDFATHER, 1496 00:54:55,335 --> 00:54:56,902 IT GOES ALL THE WAY BACK, THIS JOKE. 1497 00:54:56,945 --> 00:55:00,340 SOMETIMES AS IT WAS KNOWN AS "THE TALE OF PUSHTUCHKIN", 1498 00:55:00,384 --> 00:55:02,342 THE, UH, THE GAY RABBI. 1499 00:55:02,386 --> 00:55:03,691 [ Speaking in foreign language ] 1500 00:55:13,310 --> 00:55:14,441 "VAT IS DAT?" 1501 00:55:14,485 --> 00:55:15,529 "THE ARISTOCRATS". 1502 00:55:19,925 --> 00:55:21,274 [ With foreign accent ] THERE'S A SIMILAR TALE. 1503 00:55:21,318 --> 00:55:22,449 IT GET MIXED UP. 1504 00:55:22,493 --> 00:55:24,886 MY GRANDFATHER TOOK THIS JOKE SO FAR, 1505 00:55:24,930 --> 00:55:27,846 HIS ENTIRE LIFE, HE LIVED 67 YEARS, 1506 00:55:27,889 --> 00:55:30,065 ALWAYS IN A CONSTANT STATE OF THIS JOKE. 1507 00:55:30,109 --> 00:55:31,458 CONSTANT! EAT, EVERYTHING HE DID: 1508 00:55:31,502 --> 00:55:33,765 MARRIED, CHILDREN, EVERYTHING. 1509 00:55:33,808 --> 00:55:35,680 IT WAS SET-UP, SET-UP, SET-UP, SET-UP, 1510 00:55:35,723 --> 00:55:39,379 AND THEN JUST THE MOMENT HE DIED: PUNCHLINE. 1511 00:55:39,423 --> 00:55:41,425 "WHAT DO YOU CALL THIS ACT?" "THE ARISTOCRATS." HE'S DEAD. 1512 00:55:42,164 --> 00:55:43,775 AND YOU KNOW, WE LAUGHED. 1513 00:55:43,818 --> 00:55:45,559 WE SAID, "GRANDPA'S DEAD. WELL... 1514 00:55:45,603 --> 00:55:47,953 OH, 'THE ARISTOCRATS'. [ Laughing ] 1515 00:55:47,996 --> 00:55:51,217 I GET IT. ALL OF A SUDDEN, HIS ENTIRE LIFE, I GET THIS." 1516 00:55:51,260 --> 00:55:53,872 WE THOUGHT, AND WE WERE RIGHT, THAT HE WAS CRAZY. 1517 00:55:53,915 --> 00:55:55,874 BUT HE WILL... NO ONE WILL TOP HIM. 1518 00:55:55,917 --> 00:55:59,834 NO ONE WILL TOP THIS GUY, UNCLE YANUSH. 1519 00:55:59,878 --> 00:56:01,401 MY GRANDFATHER'S UNCLE'S YAN... 1520 00:56:01,445 --> 00:56:03,360 SEE THAT'S BAD IMPROV RIGHT THERE. 1521 00:56:03,403 --> 00:56:05,536 MY GRANDFATHER, UNCLE YANUSH. 1522 00:56:05,579 --> 00:56:09,670 I REMEMBER BEING AT SCHOOL, AND I REMEMBER GOING HOME, 1523 00:56:09,714 --> 00:56:12,760 AND MY GRANDMOTHER SITTING ME DOWN AND TELLING ME THE JOKE. 1524 00:56:12,804 --> 00:56:15,197 SHE'S FROM, UH, POLAND, SO SHE ONLY SPOKE YIDDISH. 1525 00:56:15,241 --> 00:56:17,374 THE ONLY ENGLISH WORD SHE KNEW WAS 'CUNT'. 1526 00:56:17,417 --> 00:56:19,376 I REMEMBER "CUNT", 1527 00:56:19,419 --> 00:56:22,901 AND I REMEMBER HER SAYING, "EAT, EAT," AND... 1528 00:56:22,944 --> 00:56:24,119 AND "CUNT". 1529 00:56:25,904 --> 00:56:27,253 YOU KNOW, NOW THAT I THINK BACK ON IT, 1530 00:56:27,296 --> 00:56:29,821 IT'S PROBABLY WRONG. 1531 00:56:29,864 --> 00:56:32,519 Carrie Fisher: THERE WAS THIS STORY MY MOTHER USED TO TELL ME: 1532 00:56:32,563 --> 00:56:35,566 THERE WAS A GOAT IN "TAMMY" 1533 00:56:35,609 --> 00:56:38,351 THAT MY FATHER GOT VERY INVOLVED WITH 1534 00:56:38,395 --> 00:56:39,787 WHILE HE WAS WORKING. 1535 00:56:39,831 --> 00:56:41,267 THEY WENT ON THE ROAD WITH THIS ACT. 1536 00:56:41,310 --> 00:56:44,444 MY FATHER WAS BLOWING THIS GOAT OVER AT MGM, 1537 00:56:44,488 --> 00:56:46,315 AND MY MOTHER WALKED IN ON THEM, 1538 00:56:46,359 --> 00:56:48,056 AND MY MOTHER JUST THOUGHT THAT WAS ADORABLE. 1539 00:56:49,580 --> 00:56:52,017 MY MOTHER'S A GOLDEN-SHOWER QUEEN. 1540 00:56:52,060 --> 00:56:54,062 THE ORIGINAL MOVIE OF "SINGING IN THE RAIN" 1541 00:56:54,106 --> 00:56:56,935 WAS A HUGE GOLDEN- SHOWER EXTRAVAGANZA, 1542 00:56:56,978 --> 00:56:58,676 BUT IT DIDN'T REALLY GET PAST THE CENSORS 1543 00:56:58,719 --> 00:57:01,592 WHICH IS A SHAME, BECAUSE THERE WERE SOME WONDERFUL NUMBERS 1544 00:57:01,635 --> 00:57:03,985 WITH MICKEY ROONEY, UH... 1545 00:57:04,029 --> 00:57:06,379 WHO IS HUGE WITH... WITH FISTING. 1546 00:57:06,423 --> 00:57:07,902 YOU KNOW, IN THE EARLY DAYS IN HOLLYWOOD 1547 00:57:07,946 --> 00:57:09,556 IT WAS COMPLETELY ACCEPTED. 1548 00:57:09,600 --> 00:57:11,645 I ALWAYS LOVE SHOW- BUSINESS JOKES, 1549 00:57:11,689 --> 00:57:13,691 THESE ONES THAT SEEM A LITTLE MORE INSIDE. 1550 00:57:13,734 --> 00:57:15,867 AND IN A VERY SORT OF TWISTED, WARPED WAY, 1551 00:57:15,910 --> 00:57:18,478 THIS DISGUSTING, FOUL JOKE 1552 00:57:18,522 --> 00:57:21,525 IS A JOKE ABOUT THE SWEET OLD DAYS OF SHOW BUSINESS. 1553 00:57:21,568 --> 00:57:24,136 [ Imitating Liza Minnelli ] IN MY SHOW, I'M GOING TO SIT ON TOP OF THE PIANO, 1554 00:57:24,179 --> 00:57:26,443 AND FIT THE WHOLE THING IN MY VAGINA. 1555 00:57:26,486 --> 00:57:29,054 THE PERCUSSIONIST, I LOVE THAT WORD, PERCUSSIONIST, 1556 00:57:29,097 --> 00:57:30,577 IS GOING TO TAKE HIS TRIANGLE, 1557 00:57:30,621 --> 00:57:32,274 PUT IT IN FRONT OF MY TRIANGLE, 1558 00:57:32,318 --> 00:57:34,581 AND CLING-A-LING-A- LING WITH THE TROLLEY 1559 00:57:34,625 --> 00:57:36,365 JUST THE WAY MOMMA SANG IT. 1560 00:57:36,409 --> 00:57:39,368 AND THEN I'M GOING TO TAKE THE BANGER TO THE TRIANGLE 1561 00:57:39,412 --> 00:57:42,720 AND CLING-A-LANG IT UNTIL MY CLITORIS SWELLS UP 1562 00:57:42,763 --> 00:57:45,940 INTO A LARGE, MACY'S- DAY-PARADE BALLOON. 1563 00:57:45,984 --> 00:57:48,203 I'M GOING TO TAKE IT AND STRETCH IT OUT, 1564 00:57:48,247 --> 00:57:50,075 AND I'M GOING TO WRAP IT AROUND THE MICROPHONE CORD, 1565 00:57:50,118 --> 00:57:53,252 AND FLING OVER MY SHOULDER THE WAY MOMMA USED TO DO, 1566 00:57:53,295 --> 00:57:56,385 AS I'M SINGING: ♪ WHAT'LL I HAVE 1567 00:57:56,429 --> 00:57:58,910 ♪ THAT I DON'T HAVE? [ Voice fades ] 1568 00:57:58,953 --> 00:58:00,389 WHERE'D THAT NOTE GO? 1569 00:58:00,433 --> 00:58:02,391 AND THEN THE REST OF THE BAND'S GOING TO JUMP UP, 1570 00:58:02,435 --> 00:58:03,741 AND WE'RE GOING TO SING: 1571 00:58:03,784 --> 00:58:07,919 ♪ SHINE YOUR SHOES, SHINE YOUR SHOES ♪ 1572 00:58:07,962 --> 00:58:10,530 AND I'M GOING TO SHINE MY SHOES WITH MY VAGINA JUICES, 1573 00:58:10,574 --> 00:58:12,401 PUT THEM BACK ON, TAP, TAP, TAP, 1574 00:58:12,445 --> 00:58:14,142 DO A SPLIT, AND THAT'S THE ACT. 1575 00:58:14,186 --> 00:58:15,100 I'M GOING TO CALL IT... 1576 00:58:16,841 --> 00:58:18,538 "THE ARISTOCRATS". 1577 00:58:20,758 --> 00:58:21,585 ISN'T THAT TERRIFIC? 1578 00:58:23,848 --> 00:58:26,111 THIS IS A JOKE THAT'S PRETTY MUCH EXCLUSIVE TO SHOW BUSINESS, 1579 00:58:26,154 --> 00:58:27,895 YOU NEVER HEAR A PHYSICIST GOING, 1580 00:58:27,939 --> 00:58:30,289 "IT'S A MUON, YOU CUNT!" 1581 00:58:30,332 --> 00:58:32,204 AND NOW I HAVE A JOKE FOR YOU VERY SIMILAR 1582 00:58:32,247 --> 00:58:33,771 TO "THAT'S WHY THE GROUP IS CALLED ARISTOCRATS". 1583 00:58:33,814 --> 00:58:36,077 IN A SHOW BUSINESS THEME WITH A NICE TURN. 1584 00:58:36,121 --> 00:58:39,516 THERE'S AN AUDITION FOR A PIANO PLAYER AT A VERY EXCLUSIVE BAR, 1585 00:58:39,559 --> 00:58:41,561 AND A GUY SHOWS UP AND THE OWNER OF THE CLUB SAYS, 1586 00:58:41,605 --> 00:58:43,955 "LISTEN, THIS IS A VERY, VERY EXCLUSIVE PLACE. 1587 00:58:43,998 --> 00:58:46,174 I'D LIKE YOU TO BE ABLE TO PLAY ALL DIFFERENT STYLES OF MUSIC, 1588 00:58:46,218 --> 00:58:48,655 BUT THEY HAVE TO BE VERY CLASSY." AND THE GUY SAYS, "I CAN DO ANYTHING." 1589 00:58:48,699 --> 00:58:50,135 THE GUY PLAYS THE PIANO. IT'S THE MOST BEAUTIFUL 1590 00:58:50,178 --> 00:58:51,745 SONG THE OWNER EVER HEARD IN HIS LIFE. 1591 00:58:51,789 --> 00:58:53,442 HE SAYS, "THAT'S GREAT. I'VE NEVER HEARD THAT SONG BEFORE." 1592 00:58:53,486 --> 00:58:54,966 AND HE GOES, "WELL, IT'S AN ORIGINAL. I WROTE IT MYSELF." 1593 00:58:55,009 --> 00:58:56,707 HE GOES, "OH REALLY, UH, WHAT'S IT CALLED?" 1594 00:58:56,750 --> 00:58:59,100 AND HE SAYS IT'S CALLED "MY DOG WAS FUCKING ME IN THE ASS 1595 00:58:59,144 --> 00:59:00,885 WHILE MY CAT WAS LICKING MY BALLS." 1596 00:59:00,928 --> 00:59:03,365 "WELL, THAT'S, UH... REALLY AWFUL. DO YOU HAVE ANY OTHER SONGS?" 1597 00:59:03,409 --> 00:59:05,803 "YOU KNOW WHAT? I HAVE A WONDERFUL THING I'LL PLAY FOR YOU." 1598 00:59:05,846 --> 00:59:07,631 HE PLAYS THIS KIND OF JAZZY TUNE, 1599 00:59:07,674 --> 00:59:10,155 AND THEY SAY, "OH THAT WAS GREAT! WHAT WAS THAT?" AND HE SAYS... 1600 00:59:10,198 --> 00:59:11,983 "I ATE YOUR SISTER'S BLOODY TAMPON." 1601 00:59:12,026 --> 00:59:14,551 HE SAYS, "HEY! IT'S A CLASSY PLACE, PLEASE! 1602 00:59:14,594 --> 00:59:16,596 NO MORE OF THAT." HE GOES, "OH, FINE, FINE." 1603 00:59:16,640 --> 00:59:18,772 "YOU KNOW, I REALLY LIKE YOUR SONGS. I WANT TO HIRE YOU, 1604 00:59:18,816 --> 00:59:20,382 SO GO AHEAD AND PLAY FOR MY CUSTOMERS, BUT JUST 1605 00:59:20,426 --> 00:59:22,515 DON'T TELL THEM ANY NAMES OF YOUR SONGS." 1606 00:59:22,559 --> 00:59:24,169 HE GOES, "OKAY, THAT'S ALL RIGHT." JUST THAT NIGHT, HE STARTS PLAYING THE PIANO. 1607 00:59:24,212 --> 00:59:25,866 THE CROWD GOES CRAZY, STANDING OVATION. 1608 00:59:25,910 --> 00:59:27,389 THEY NEVER HEARD ANYTHING LIKE IT. THE SONGS ARE SO BEAUTIFUL. 1609 00:59:27,433 --> 00:59:29,087 AFTER ABOUT AN HOUR HE SAYS... 1610 00:59:29,130 --> 00:59:30,697 "JUST GIVE ME A BREAK, I GOT TO GO TO THE... GO TO THE CAN." 1611 00:59:30,741 --> 00:59:32,090 SO HE LEAVES, HE GOES TO THE BATHROOM, 1612 00:59:32,133 --> 00:59:34,440 ON HIS WAY OUT HE FORGETS TO ZIP UP HIS PANTS. 1613 00:59:34,483 --> 00:59:36,137 AND SOMEBODY SEES HIM AND SAYS, "HEY, 1614 00:59:36,181 --> 00:59:37,704 YOU KNOW YOUR ZIPPER'S UNDONE AND YOUR DICK'S HANGING OUT." 1615 00:59:37,748 --> 00:59:38,966 HE SAYS... Both: "KNOW IT? I WROTE IT!" 1616 00:59:42,143 --> 00:59:45,233 THAT'S WHAT A GROUP OF ENTERTAINERS HAVE IN COMMON. 1617 00:59:45,277 --> 00:59:47,322 THEY UNDERSTAND THAT THEY'VE SEEN SHITTY ACTS. 1618 00:59:47,366 --> 00:59:50,587 THE WORST BAR BAND IN SHITSVILLE, OHIO, 1619 00:59:50,630 --> 00:59:52,937 ALWAYS HAVE A GLORIOUS NAME 1620 00:59:52,980 --> 00:59:56,070 LIKE THE INCREDIBLE DIAMOND-STUDDED, UH, REEFERTONES. 1621 00:59:56,114 --> 00:59:58,464 IT'S DONE IN EVERY ASPECT OF LIFE. 1622 00:59:58,507 --> 01:00:01,815 YOU KNOW, YOU'LL SEE A LITTLE RUNDOWN, GREASY-SPOON DINER 1623 01:00:01,859 --> 01:00:03,948 CALLING ITSELF "THE GOURMET CORNER". 1624 01:00:03,991 --> 01:00:06,211 BESIDES FROM THE HUMOUR OF THE JOKE, 1625 01:00:06,254 --> 01:00:08,474 THERE'S A SADNESS THAT THESE PEOPLE 1626 01:00:08,517 --> 01:00:12,652 HAD NO SELF-REALIZATION THAT WHAT THEIR ACT WAS 1627 01:00:12,696 --> 01:00:14,349 WOULD GET THEM ABSOLUTELY NO PLACE, 1628 01:00:14,393 --> 01:00:17,396 YET THEY CALL THEMSELVES "THE ARISTOCRATS" 1629 01:00:17,439 --> 01:00:21,879 BECAUSE THEY'RE CLINGING TO THE VERY LAST VESTIGE OF RESPECTABILITY. 1630 01:00:21,922 --> 01:00:24,446 ABSOLUTELY NO CLASS, ABSOLUTELY HORRIBLE, 1631 01:00:24,490 --> 01:00:28,059 BUT THEY ARE IN SHOW BUSINESS AND THEY ARE ARISTOCRATS. 1632 01:00:28,102 --> 01:00:31,845 I DON'T PUT "THE ARISTOCRATS" ON MY RESUME ANY MORE, YOU KNOW? 1633 01:00:31,889 --> 01:00:33,673 IT DOESN'T TAKE AWAY FROM... 1634 01:00:33,717 --> 01:00:34,935 LIKE, MY PRIDE. 1635 01:00:34,979 --> 01:00:38,504 I ACTUALLY WAS AN ARISTOCRAT. 1636 01:00:38,547 --> 01:00:41,855 IT'S KIND OF WEIRD TO BE A PART OF THAT LEGEND. 1637 01:00:41,899 --> 01:00:45,946 IT WAS MY MOM, MY DAD, ME, MY BROTHER AND MY NANA. 1638 01:00:45,990 --> 01:00:47,731 MY FATHER WOULD COME OUT ON STAGE, 1639 01:00:47,774 --> 01:00:49,080 THE MUSIC WOULD PLAY, 1640 01:00:49,123 --> 01:00:51,256 AND HE WOULD START MASTURBATING. 1641 01:00:51,299 --> 01:00:53,258 MY BROTHER COMES OUT. 1642 01:00:53,301 --> 01:00:55,477 THEY'D DO A... LIKE, A MUTUAL MASTURBATION, 1643 01:00:55,521 --> 01:00:57,131 KIND OF LIKE A DUELLING BANJOS. 1644 01:00:57,175 --> 01:00:59,481 THEY'RE HOLDING HANDS AND THEY SPIN. 1645 01:00:59,525 --> 01:01:02,049 I STAY IN A STATIONARY POSITION 1646 01:01:02,093 --> 01:01:04,051 WHEN THE ASSHOLES COME BY, 1647 01:01:04,095 --> 01:01:06,488 AND I LICK THE ASSHOLES. 1648 01:01:06,532 --> 01:01:10,623 AND IN ONE MOTION, MY MOTHER... BOTH PINKIES UP THEIR ASSHOLES 1649 01:01:10,667 --> 01:01:12,494 AS THEY CUM; IT'S PRETTY... 1650 01:01:12,538 --> 01:01:14,235 IT'S PRETTY SPECTACULAR. 1651 01:01:14,279 --> 01:01:15,584 AND IT'S ALL ABOUT TIMING. 1652 01:01:16,629 --> 01:01:18,239 LIKE, ON ONE LEVEL 1653 01:01:18,283 --> 01:01:22,113 IT'S A JOKE ABOUT SCATOLOGICAL HUMOUR AND SHOW BUSINESS, 1654 01:01:22,156 --> 01:01:25,159 BUT ON ANOTHER LEVEL, IT'S ABOUT A FAMILY. 1655 01:01:25,203 --> 01:01:28,685 IT'S ABOUT THE HOPES AND DREAMS OF THAT FAMILY. 1656 01:01:28,728 --> 01:01:30,295 MY BROTHER HAS DOWN SYNDROME. 1657 01:01:30,338 --> 01:01:31,296 DID I SAY THAT? 1658 01:01:32,993 --> 01:01:34,081 PEOPLE MIGHT THINK IT'S A SETBACK, 1659 01:01:34,125 --> 01:01:36,693 BUT REALLY, IT'S A SELLING POINT. 1660 01:01:36,736 --> 01:01:40,479 IT'S NOT A HANDICAP. I DON'T WANT TO SAY IT'S A GIFT. 1661 01:01:40,522 --> 01:01:43,569 AND WE THINK IT AS A GIFT JUST IN TERMS OF TICKET SALES, 1662 01:01:43,612 --> 01:01:48,748 BUT I MEAN, WE THINK OF IT AS SHOWING THE OTHER BEAUTIES 1663 01:01:48,792 --> 01:01:52,752 THAT GOD CREATES, LIKE, THE ONES WITH THE BIGGER FOREHEADS 1664 01:01:52,796 --> 01:01:56,103 AND THE LOWER EYELIDS. 1665 01:01:56,147 --> 01:01:57,148 Interviewer: THEY EVER ASK 1666 01:01:57,191 --> 01:01:58,366 YOU TO BE ON "THE TONIGHT SHOW"? 1667 01:01:58,410 --> 01:01:59,977 NOT "THE TONIGHT SHOW", 1668 01:02:00,020 --> 01:02:02,806 BUT JOE FRANKLIN LOVED "THE ARISTOCRATS". 1669 01:02:02,849 --> 01:02:05,156 HE WAS, LIKE, OUR REHEARSAL DIRECTOR 1670 01:02:05,199 --> 01:02:08,333 WHEN DAD AND MY BROTHER WEREN'T THERE, AND MY MOTHER... 1671 01:02:10,596 --> 01:02:11,945 AND MY NANA, WEREN'T THERE. 1672 01:02:14,861 --> 01:02:16,950 I WAS ON HIS SHOW. 1673 01:02:16,994 --> 01:02:20,084 HE SAID IT WASN'T A TAPED SHOW, UM... 1674 01:02:20,127 --> 01:02:22,956 BUT WE... WE, LIKE, DID A SHOW. 1675 01:02:26,830 --> 01:02:29,049 Interviewer: LIKE, IN HIS APARTMENT? 1676 01:02:29,093 --> 01:02:31,008 YEAH, IT WAS HIS OFFICE. 1677 01:02:31,051 --> 01:02:33,924 BUT HE HAD A... UM... BED IN IT. HUH. 1678 01:02:33,967 --> 01:02:39,973 LIKE A COUCH THAT HE CALLED UNCLE JOE'S BED FOR LITTLE PEOPLE, 1679 01:02:40,017 --> 01:02:42,584 'CAUSE A COUCH IS LIKE A BED FOR LITTLE PEOPLE, YOU KNOW? 1680 01:02:50,375 --> 01:02:51,680 JOE FRANKLIN RAPED ME. 1681 01:02:56,120 --> 01:02:57,643 COMEDIANS OFTEN FEEL LIKE, 1682 01:02:57,686 --> 01:03:01,168 "I AM THIS WEIRD, TWISTED, STRANGE PERSON, 1683 01:03:01,212 --> 01:03:03,867 SOMEWHERE NEAR THE OUTER REACHES OF THE BELL CURVE, 1684 01:03:03,910 --> 01:03:07,174 TRYING SOMEHOW TO PACKAGE THIS IN A WAY 1685 01:03:07,218 --> 01:03:11,048 THAT CONFERS UPON ME SOME KIND OF DIGNITY AND RESPECT." 1686 01:03:11,091 --> 01:03:13,267 MAYBE THAT'S THE REASON THAT THIS JOKE IS SO APPEALING. 1687 01:03:13,311 --> 01:03:15,182 I DON'T... I'M... I'VE PLAYED BY THEIR RULES 1688 01:03:15,226 --> 01:03:16,357 FOR A REALLY LONG TIME AND I 1689 01:03:16,401 --> 01:03:17,794 DON'T WANT TO DO IT ANY MORE. 1690 01:03:17,837 --> 01:03:19,317 I MEAN, WHAT ARE THEY GOING TO DO? LIKE, PREVENT ME 1691 01:03:19,360 --> 01:03:21,232 FROM DOING A SHOW WITH THE OLSEN TWINS? 1692 01:03:21,275 --> 01:03:22,799 AND I THINK YOU'RE ALL SKIRTING AROUND THIS. 1693 01:03:22,842 --> 01:03:25,845 I THINK THAT YOU SHOULD ALL BE ARISTOCRATS. 1694 01:03:25,889 --> 01:03:28,587 THE AUDIENCE, ALL OF US SHOULD BE ARISTOCRATS. 1695 01:03:28,630 --> 01:03:31,329 A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE CONTRACTED INTO THIS PURITANICAL IDEA 1696 01:03:31,372 --> 01:03:32,939 THAT WE HAVE TO GET MARRIED WHEN WE'RE YOUNG 1697 01:03:32,983 --> 01:03:35,202 AND WE CAN'T FUCK BOYS AND FUCK GIRLS. 1698 01:03:35,246 --> 01:03:36,029 WE CAN DO IT ALL. 1699 01:03:36,073 --> 01:03:37,988 STARFISH ARE BI. 1700 01:03:38,031 --> 01:03:40,207 YOU EVER SEEN A STARFISH EAT OUT ANOTHER STARFISH? 1701 01:03:40,251 --> 01:03:41,861 IT TAKES FOREVER. THEY DO IT. 1702 01:03:41,905 --> 01:03:44,168 CLOSE THE COMEDY CLUBS AND OPEN UP BROTHELS 1703 01:03:44,211 --> 01:03:45,952 AND BATH HOUSES, GLORY-HOLES. 1704 01:03:45,996 --> 01:03:47,127 THIS IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY NEEDS. 1705 01:03:47,171 --> 01:03:49,869 IT NEEDS A REALLY TIGHT ORGASM. 1706 01:03:49,913 --> 01:03:51,828 YOU KNOW, I'M AN ACTOR, I WAS IN A LOT OF TV SHOWS. 1707 01:03:51,871 --> 01:03:53,264 AND I WENT TO THIS ORGY ONCE 1708 01:03:53,307 --> 01:03:54,439 AND I FUCKED ALL THESE PEOPLE, 1709 01:03:54,482 --> 01:03:56,397 AND SOMEBODY WHISPERED IN MY EAR, 1710 01:03:56,441 --> 01:03:58,878 "YOU WERE GREAT ON 'FRIENDS'." 1711 01:03:58,922 --> 01:04:00,445 BUT YOU KNOW, YOU'RE NOT GOING TO HAVE MARY HART 1712 01:04:00,488 --> 01:04:02,534 TALK ABOUT THAT WITH ME. 1713 01:04:02,577 --> 01:04:05,798 I JUST WANT TO TAKE AN APPROACH TO THE JOKE IN MY WAY. 1714 01:04:05,842 --> 01:04:07,408 I'M THE AGENT AND I'M PITCHING IT, OKAY? 1715 01:04:07,452 --> 01:04:10,498 SO, THIS VERY ATHLETIC BLONDE MAN 1716 01:04:10,542 --> 01:04:13,371 WALKS ONTO THE STAGE IN A LEATHER SPEEDO. 1717 01:04:13,414 --> 01:04:16,156 HE HAS THIS SLIGHTLY SADISTIC NATURE ABOUT HIM. 1718 01:04:16,200 --> 01:04:18,463 AND HE HAS THIS FINE, FINE BABY HAIR 1719 01:04:18,506 --> 01:04:21,161 ALL OVER THESE VERY STEELY PECTORAL MUSCLES. 1720 01:04:21,205 --> 01:04:22,467 HE HAS LIKE, A TREASURE TRAIL 1721 01:04:22,510 --> 01:04:24,251 THAT GOES DOWN TO HEAVY-CUT MAN MEAT. 1722 01:04:24,295 --> 01:04:26,297 LIKE, AN 11-BY-7 COCK. 1723 01:04:26,340 --> 01:04:27,689 HE'S A HORSE-HUNG GUY. 1724 01:04:27,733 --> 01:04:29,213 THIS CHICK WALKS UP WITH THIS ROCKET BODY 1725 01:04:29,256 --> 01:04:30,867 AND THIS ARTIFICIAL RACK, 1726 01:04:30,910 --> 01:04:32,738 AND SHE LOOKS LIKE CARMEN ELECTRA, ONLY BETTER. 1727 01:04:32,781 --> 01:04:34,218 AND SHE STARTS GENTLY RUBBING HER PUSSY. 1728 01:04:34,261 --> 01:04:36,873 THIS SUBMISSIVE SISSY BOY COMES OUT 1729 01:04:36,916 --> 01:04:38,178 AND POINTS AT THE DICK AND SAYS, 1730 01:04:38,222 --> 01:04:40,354 "I WANT THAT COCK TO BUST MY VIRGIN ASS." 1731 01:04:40,398 --> 01:04:42,400 THE CHICK STRAPS ON THIS DILDO 1732 01:04:42,443 --> 01:04:44,402 AND HAS THIS REALLY CHALLENGING, INTENSE EXPRESSION ON HER FACE 1733 01:04:44,445 --> 01:04:46,360 AND SAYS, "LET ME." 1734 01:04:46,404 --> 01:04:49,581 SHE STARTS RUBBING HIM IN A VERY SPIRITUALLY CENTRED WAY. 1735 01:04:49,624 --> 01:04:52,540 LITTLE SISSY BOY IS OBVIOUSLY DEMANDING PUSSY BOTTOM. 1736 01:04:52,584 --> 01:04:55,108 HE TILTS HIS ASS UP... GENTLY. 1737 01:04:55,152 --> 01:04:56,457 SHE STARTS EATING HIS ASS, 1738 01:04:56,501 --> 01:04:58,155 GIVING HIM THIS RIM-JOB ROYALE, 1739 01:04:58,198 --> 01:04:59,330 AS THEY WOULD SAY IN "PULP FICTION". 1740 01:04:59,373 --> 01:05:00,722 THE BIG HORSE-HUNG DICK 1741 01:05:00,766 --> 01:05:01,941 IS NOW GOING IN THE PUSSY BOY'S MOUTH. 1742 01:05:01,985 --> 01:05:03,987 HE'S GETTING FACE-FUCKED. 1743 01:05:04,030 --> 01:05:05,989 THE GIRL TAKES HIS COCK AND SLIDES IT INTO HER PUSSY 1744 01:05:06,032 --> 01:05:07,860 BUT WHAT SHE... AND THIS IS GOING TO BE IN THE PROGRAMME, 1745 01:05:07,904 --> 01:05:09,209 LIKE LINER NOTES, 1746 01:05:09,253 --> 01:05:12,082 THAT THE GIRL HAS TRAINED IN THAT FINE GEISHA WAY, 1747 01:05:12,125 --> 01:05:13,605 WHERE THE PUSSY WOULD CONTRACT 1748 01:05:13,648 --> 01:05:15,868 TO MAKE HER VAGINA PULL UP ON THAT COCK. 1749 01:05:15,912 --> 01:05:17,870 WHEN YOU ARE SHOOTING, 1750 01:05:17,914 --> 01:05:20,438 IT IS LIKE, YANKING IT. 1751 01:05:20,481 --> 01:05:21,918 I DON'T KNOW IF ANYONE'S EVER HAD THAT HAPPEN, 1752 01:05:21,961 --> 01:05:23,441 BUT IT'S WILD. 1753 01:05:23,484 --> 01:05:26,618 AND SHE IS TAKING, LIKE, A HUGE FUCKING HORSE-LOAD, 1754 01:05:26,661 --> 01:05:28,533 AND IT'S CALLED "THE MISOGYCRATS". 1755 01:05:32,711 --> 01:05:34,887 THIS JOKE HOLDS A MIRROR UP TO ITSELF. 1756 01:05:34,931 --> 01:05:36,715 [ Laughter ] THE PEOPLE WHO... 1757 01:05:36,758 --> 01:05:38,978 WHO SAY THE JOKE MUST CONTAIN SHIT? 1758 01:05:39,022 --> 01:05:40,588 DON'T INVITE THEM INTO YOUR HOME. 1759 01:05:40,632 --> 01:05:43,678 THE PEOPLE WHO SAY IT... MUST INVOLVE BESTIALITY? 1760 01:05:43,722 --> 01:05:45,289 DON'T LET THEM NEAR YOUR DOG. 1761 01:05:45,332 --> 01:05:47,160 THIS TELLS YOU A LOT ABOUT A PERSON, THIS JOKE. 1762 01:05:47,204 --> 01:05:50,294 IT'S WHERE YOUR DARKEST PLACE CAN GO, YOU KNOW? 1763 01:05:50,337 --> 01:05:53,645 IN A WAY, THIS JOKE REALLY ISN'T ALL THAT RELEVANT. 1764 01:05:53,688 --> 01:05:56,039 STANDARDS OF OFFENSIVE CHANGE OVER TIME. 1765 01:05:56,082 --> 01:05:58,215 AS A MATTER OF FACT, IT'S QUITE A TAME JOKE NOW. 1766 01:05:58,258 --> 01:05:59,694 THERE'S SOMETHING QUITE CHARMING ABOUT IT, 1767 01:05:59,738 --> 01:06:01,174 WHICH IS WEIRD, ISN'T IT? 1768 01:06:01,218 --> 01:06:03,176 "I HAVE GOT THE PERFECT FAMILY ACT." 1769 01:06:03,220 --> 01:06:04,525 HE GOES, "GO AHEAD, TELL ME." 1770 01:06:04,569 --> 01:06:05,744 HE GOES, "MY WIFE AND I GO OUT, 1771 01:06:05,787 --> 01:06:07,006 WE SING AND DANCE, WE FUCK EACH OTHER. 1772 01:06:07,050 --> 01:06:08,312 THE KIDS COME OUT, THEY SING AND DANCE, 1773 01:06:08,355 --> 01:06:09,878 WE FUCK THE KIDS, THE KIDS FUCK EACH OTHER. 1774 01:06:09,922 --> 01:06:12,185 DOG COMES OUT; HE SHITS, HE PISSES ON ALL OF US. 1775 01:06:12,229 --> 01:06:14,013 HE LICKS IT UP, JUMPS THROUGH A HOOP." 1776 01:06:14,057 --> 01:06:15,319 GUY SAYS, "WHAT DO YOU CALL THE ACT?" 1777 01:06:15,362 --> 01:06:16,624 HE GOES, "THE ARISTOCRATS." 1778 01:06:16,668 --> 01:06:17,930 AGENT GOES, "I ALREADY HAVE AN ACT LIKE THAT." 1779 01:06:19,410 --> 01:06:20,672 THAT'S WHAT'S HAPPENED TO SHOW BUSINESS. 1780 01:06:20,715 --> 01:06:22,021 NO MATTER WHAT YOU... YOU COULD COME OUT, 1781 01:06:22,065 --> 01:06:24,371 FUCK THE KIDS, FUCK THE DOG, DOESN'T MATTER. 1782 01:06:24,415 --> 01:06:25,720 "WELL, I'VE ALREADY SEEN THAT." 1783 01:06:25,764 --> 01:06:27,374 THAT'S NOT REALLY A JOKE ANY MORE. THAT... 1784 01:06:27,418 --> 01:06:29,986 THAT'S ACTUALLY A REALLY... 1785 01:06:30,029 --> 01:06:31,465 GREAT IDEA TO PITCH TO A NETWORK. 1786 01:06:31,509 --> 01:06:33,772 I COULD WALK IN TO NBC TOMORROW, 1787 01:06:33,815 --> 01:06:36,296 SAY, "I HAVE A DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY IDEA, 1788 01:06:36,340 --> 01:06:39,256 SO DYSFUNCTIONAL, IT DEFIES DESCRIPTION. 1789 01:06:39,299 --> 01:06:41,867 WE HAVE PEOPLE FUCKING AND SUCKING, BLOWING ARMADILLOS; 1790 01:06:41,910 --> 01:06:44,043 DIDDLING LIKE AN 11-YEAR-OLD CHEERLEADER; 1791 01:06:44,087 --> 01:06:46,176 WE COULD BRING IN PEOPLE FROM THE PAST 'CAUSE THEY CAN DO THAT NOW. 1792 01:06:46,219 --> 01:06:47,438 YOU KNOW, THEY GET THOSE IDIOTIC ADS, 1793 01:06:47,481 --> 01:06:48,874 HUMPHREY BOGART AND ALL THAT OTHER BULLSHIT. 1794 01:06:48,917 --> 01:06:50,745 GET YOUR FUCKING MAJOR WORLD LEADERS OF THE PAST, 1795 01:06:50,789 --> 01:06:52,008 LIKE HITLER AND MUSSOLINI. 1796 01:06:52,051 --> 01:06:53,574 GENGHIS KHAN, FOR GOD'S SAKES. 1797 01:06:53,618 --> 01:06:54,880 I JUST THOUGHT OF THAT AND THAT'S UNBELIEVABLE. 1798 01:06:54,923 --> 01:06:57,274 IT'S NOT A JOKE. THIS WOULD GO ON TV. 1799 01:06:57,317 --> 01:06:59,580 AND WE BLOW HITLER, AND THEN IN THE NEXT EPISODE, 1800 01:06:59,624 --> 01:07:02,192 WE BITE HIS DICK OFF. HA-HA! SEE WHAT HAPPENS TO HITLER'S DICK. 1801 01:07:02,235 --> 01:07:04,063 THEY'LL BE TURNING IT ON. PHENOMENAL." 1802 01:07:04,107 --> 01:07:05,847 IT'S A FAMILY ACT. BUT IT'S A... 1803 01:07:05,891 --> 01:07:08,502 IT'S A TWIST 'CAUSE THEY'RE RETARDED. 1804 01:07:08,546 --> 01:07:10,809 AND WHAT THEY DO IS THEY GET ON A PILE OF DEAD DUNS 1805 01:07:10,852 --> 01:07:12,115 AND THEY FUCK EACH OTHER, 1806 01:07:12,158 --> 01:07:13,377 AND THEN THEY HAVE A BIG CLOSING 1807 01:07:13,420 --> 01:07:16,075 WHERE THEY FIST-FUCK AN AUTISTIC PRE-TEEN. 1808 01:07:16,119 --> 01:07:18,686 AND THE AGENT SAYS, "WELL, WHAT DO YOU CALL THEM?" 1809 01:07:18,730 --> 01:07:21,689 AND HE SAYS, "THE OSBOURNES." [ Laughing ] 1810 01:07:21,733 --> 01:07:23,822 A LOT OF WHAT IS ALREADY ON TV NOW, 1811 01:07:23,865 --> 01:07:25,258 THEY WOULD HAVE THE DOG-FUCKING 1812 01:07:25,302 --> 01:07:28,000 AND THE SHIT-EATING ON, YOU KNOW... 1813 01:07:28,044 --> 01:07:29,610 "FRIENDS". ON... NOT ON "FRIENDS", 1814 01:07:29,654 --> 01:07:31,525 BUT ON... BUT ON "SOUTH PARK". 1815 01:07:31,569 --> 01:07:33,353 YOU GUYS WANT TO HEAR A FUNNY JOKE MY GRANDPA TOLD ME? 1816 01:07:33,397 --> 01:07:34,702 NO. OKAY. 1817 01:07:34,746 --> 01:07:36,704 SO THIS FAMILY WALKS INTO A TALENT AGENCY. 1818 01:07:36,748 --> 01:07:38,619 IT'S A MOTHER, FATHER, THEIR SON AND DAUGHTER, 1819 01:07:38,663 --> 01:07:40,099 AND A LITTLE BABY. THE FATHER SAYS, 1820 01:07:40,143 --> 01:07:42,145 "SIR, OUR FAMILY HAS AN AMAZING ACT." 1821 01:07:42,188 --> 01:07:44,408 AND THE TALENT AGENT SAYS, "SORRY, WE DON'T SIGN FAMILY ACTS. 1822 01:07:44,451 --> 01:07:46,105 THEY'RE TOO CUTESY BUT THEN THE MOTHER GOES, 1823 01:07:46,149 --> 01:07:47,498 "PLEASE, SIR, IF YOU JUST GIVE US TWO MINUTES, 1824 01:07:47,541 --> 01:07:49,239 WE KNOW YOU'LL LIKE OUR ACT. 1825 01:07:49,282 --> 01:07:51,458 SO THE TALENT AGENT SAYS, "ALL RIGHT, YOU'VE GOT TWO MINUTES." 1826 01:07:51,502 --> 01:07:54,331 THE FAMILY JUMPS RIGHT INTO IT. THRILLING CIRCUS MUSIC STARTS TO PLAY 1827 01:07:54,374 --> 01:07:56,463 AS THE FATHER SPINS HIS DAUGHTER AROUND, BENDS HER OVER, 1828 01:07:56,507 --> 01:07:57,682 LIFTS UP HER SKIRT AND STARTS LICKING 1829 01:07:57,725 --> 01:07:59,336 HER ASSHOLE. WHAT? 1830 01:07:59,379 --> 01:08:01,251 THEN THE SON LAYS DOWN ON THE FLOOR AND OPENS HIS MOUTH 1831 01:08:01,294 --> 01:08:03,383 AND THE MOTHER SQUATS DOWN OVER HIS FACE AND STARTS SHITTING ALL OVER HIM. 1832 01:08:03,427 --> 01:08:04,776 DUDE! HOLD ON, HOLD ON. 1833 01:08:04,819 --> 01:08:06,778 THE FATHER GRABS THE BABY, TAKES OFF HIS DIAPER, 1834 01:08:06,821 --> 01:08:08,867 AND STARTS SUCKING HIS COCK, RIGHT? WHILE THE SON, 1835 01:08:08,910 --> 01:08:10,477 STILL WITH HIS MOTHER'S SHIT IN HIS MOUTH, GOES OVER 1836 01:08:10,521 --> 01:08:11,565 AND LICKS THE BABY'S TINY LITTLE BALLS. 1837 01:08:11,609 --> 01:08:12,914 DUDE... HOLD ON, KYLE. 1838 01:08:12,958 --> 01:08:14,699 THEN THE FATHER AND SON TAKE THE BABY 1839 01:08:14,742 --> 01:08:16,570 AND START STUFFING IT HEAD FIRST BACK INTO THE MOTHER'S VAGINA. 1840 01:08:16,614 --> 01:08:19,007 DUDE, JUST STOP. THEY GET THE... HOLD ON, KYLE. 1841 01:08:19,051 --> 01:08:21,009 THEY GET THE BABY HALFWAY IN SO THAT JUST HIS LEGS 1842 01:08:21,053 --> 01:08:22,750 ARE STICKING OUT, ALL KICKING AND FLAILING AROUND. 1843 01:08:22,794 --> 01:08:24,230 THE SON TAKES THE MOTHER'S SHIT OUT OF HIS MOUTH 1844 01:08:24,274 --> 01:08:26,102 AND STARTS RUBBING IT ALL OVER EVERYONE, 1845 01:08:26,145 --> 01:08:28,495 WHILE THE FATHER STICKS HIS COCK IN THE BABY'S ASSHOLE AND FUCKS IT, 1846 01:08:28,539 --> 01:08:30,367 WHILE IT'S STILL INSIDE THE MOTHER 1847 01:08:30,410 --> 01:08:32,412 UNTIL HE CUMS ALL OVER THE BABY, THE WIFE, THE SON AND THE DAUGHTER. 1848 01:08:32,456 --> 01:08:33,413 CA... CARTMAN, I DON'T WANT TO... 1849 01:08:33,457 --> 01:08:35,285 KYLE! WILL YOU HOLD ON PLEASE? 1850 01:08:35,328 --> 01:08:37,156 THEN THE FATHER GETS UP AND SAYS, 1851 01:08:37,200 --> 01:08:39,202 "AND NOW FOR OUR IMPERSONATION OF THE VICTIMS OF 9/11." 1852 01:08:39,245 --> 01:08:40,855 AND THE WHOLE FAMILY STARTS RUNNING AROUND THE ROOM 1853 01:08:40,899 --> 01:08:41,943 COVERED WITH SHIT AND PISS AND CUM 1854 01:08:41,987 --> 01:08:43,423 GOING, "AAAHHH!! AAAHHH!! 1855 01:08:43,467 --> 01:08:45,425 THE BUILDING'S COMING DOWN! HELP!" 1856 01:08:45,469 --> 01:08:47,210 AND THE FAMILY RUNS BACK TO THE CENTRE OF THE ROOM 1857 01:08:47,253 --> 01:08:49,168 AND GOES, "TAH-DAH!" 1858 01:08:49,212 --> 01:08:50,648 AND THE TALENT AGENT, HE JUST SITS THERE. 1859 01:08:50,691 --> 01:08:53,346 AND FINALLY HE SAYS, "JESUS, THAT'S A HELL OF AN ACT. 1860 01:08:53,390 --> 01:08:54,652 WHAT DO YOU CALL IT?" 1861 01:08:54,695 --> 01:08:56,784 AND THE FATHER SAYS, "THE ARISTOCRATS". 1862 01:08:58,699 --> 01:08:59,700 HEH-HEH-HEH. 1863 01:09:01,789 --> 01:09:02,442 I DON'T GET IT. 1864 01:09:04,488 --> 01:09:06,403 NEITHER DO I. 1865 01:09:06,446 --> 01:09:08,187 IT DOESN'T COUNT AS TRANSGRESSIVE 1866 01:09:08,231 --> 01:09:09,754 IF YOU PUT ANY MORE. WELL, WE'RE REINVENTING THE JOKE 1867 01:09:09,797 --> 01:09:11,103 FOR NEW GENERATIONS BY PUTTING IN STUFF 1868 01:09:11,147 --> 01:09:12,191 THAT'S OFFENSIVE NOW. 1869 01:09:12,235 --> 01:09:14,062 NOW, THE WORLD HAS CHANGED, YOU KNOW? 1870 01:09:14,106 --> 01:09:17,457 SHOCK... SHOCK-ABILITY HAS GONE INTO A WHOLE OTHER LEVEL. 1871 01:09:17,501 --> 01:09:20,373 YOU COULD SAY, "NIGGAH, NIGGAH, NIGGAH, SPIC, DICK, CUNT..." EVERY... 1872 01:09:20,417 --> 01:09:22,549 YOU COULD SAY ALL THAT. PEOPLE GO... [ Yawning ] 1873 01:09:22,593 --> 01:09:23,681 WHEN YOU'RE AMONG COMEDIANS, YOU GOT... 1874 01:09:23,724 --> 01:09:24,986 YOU REALLY HAVE TO PUSH THE ENVELOPE. 1875 01:09:25,030 --> 01:09:27,119 WHAT? COMEDIAN TELLING IT TO COMEDIANS AS A...? 1876 01:09:27,163 --> 01:09:29,513 HE'D PROBABLY DO A FILTHIER, DISGUSTING VERSION OF IT 1877 01:09:29,556 --> 01:09:32,516 FOR HIS PEERS THAN... THAN HE WOULD FOR 1878 01:09:32,559 --> 01:09:34,431 MAYBE HIS FRIENDS AT THE BAR FROM THE OLD NEIGHBOURHOOD. 1879 01:09:34,474 --> 01:09:36,389 IT'S LIKE YOU'RE PERFORMING IN FRONT YOUR FAMILY, 1880 01:09:36,433 --> 01:09:38,217 YET THERE'S NO HOLDS BARRED, 1881 01:09:38,261 --> 01:09:40,567 AND THERE'S A LEVEL OF APPRECIATION 1882 01:09:40,611 --> 01:09:42,003 THAT'S GOING TO SORT OF GO ALONG WITH IT. 1883 01:09:42,047 --> 01:09:43,614 I DARE YOU PREVENT IT... 1884 01:09:43,657 --> 01:09:45,529 TO TELL THAT JOKE ON STAGE IN FRONT OF ANYONE. 1885 01:09:45,572 --> 01:09:47,705 IF YOU COULD MAKE AN AUDIENCE LAUGH AT THAT, YOU ARE GOD. 1886 01:09:47,748 --> 01:09:49,402 I'M A WRITER AT THE "NEW YORK OBSERVER". 1887 01:09:49,446 --> 01:09:52,275 FOR THE LAST FIVE YEARS, I'VE BEEN COVERING THE FRIAR'S ROAST, 1888 01:09:52,318 --> 01:09:57,323 AND THIS YEAR I WROTE ABOUT GILBERT GOTTFRIED'S TAKE ON "THE ARISTOCRATS". 1889 01:09:57,367 --> 01:09:58,716 GILBERT GOTTFRIED DID IT AT THE HUGH HEFNER ROAST. 1890 01:09:58,759 --> 01:10:00,935 IT WAS THE FUNNIEST FUCKING JOKE EVER. 1891 01:10:00,979 --> 01:10:04,417 THIS ROAST WAS HAPPENING NOT EVEN THREE WEEKS AFTER SEPTEMBER 11th, 1892 01:10:04,461 --> 01:10:06,724 SO THERE WAS A BIG DISCUSSION 1893 01:10:06,767 --> 01:10:08,813 ABOUT WHAT WAS RIGHT IN TERMS OF TASTE. 1894 01:10:08,856 --> 01:10:10,249 THERE HADN'T BEEN ANY COMEDY IN NEW YORK 1895 01:10:10,293 --> 01:10:12,382 AND IT WAS VERY FRESH. 1896 01:10:12,425 --> 01:10:14,297 WE WERE FACED WITH, LIKE, HAVING TO, LIKE, PUT UP A SHOW, 1897 01:10:14,340 --> 01:10:17,909 PUT ON TUXEDOS, GET HUGH HEFNER AND HIS PUSSY POSSE ON A PLANE. 1898 01:10:17,952 --> 01:10:19,824 IT WASN'T AN EASY SELL, BUT WE GOT HIM TO DO IT. 1899 01:10:19,867 --> 01:10:21,869 TO HIS CREDIT, WE RAISED HALF A MILLION DOLLARS 1900 01:10:21,913 --> 01:10:24,263 FOR CHARITY, FOR 9/11 RELATED CHARITIES. 1901 01:10:24,307 --> 01:10:26,222 PEOPLE NEEDED A LAUGH, THE RELEASE. 1902 01:10:26,265 --> 01:10:27,832 EVERYBODY WAS PULLING BACK. 1903 01:10:27,875 --> 01:10:30,617 EVERYBODY WAS REALLY SORT OF BEING CAREFUL. 1904 01:10:30,661 --> 01:10:32,184 ROB SCHNEIDER WENT ON FIRST. 1905 01:10:32,228 --> 01:10:33,925 HE WAS DOING GREAT, THEN HE MISSED A FEW 1906 01:10:33,968 --> 01:10:35,187 AND A COUPLE OF JOKES DIDN'T WORK. 1907 01:10:35,231 --> 01:10:36,841 AND I WENT UP TO THE MIC AND I SAID, "ROB, 1908 01:10:36,884 --> 01:10:40,061 HASN'T THERE BEEN ENOUGH BOMBING IN THIS CITY?" 1909 01:10:40,105 --> 01:10:43,108 AND HERE COMES GILBERT, AND HE JUST WENT FOR BROKE. 1910 01:10:43,151 --> 01:10:45,023 IT WAS UN... I MEAN, IT WAS UNBELIEVABLE. 1911 01:10:45,066 --> 01:10:48,418 GILBERT GOTTFRIED TOOK THE MIC, TOOK THE ROOM OVER... 1912 01:10:48,461 --> 01:10:51,377 HE SAID HE WAS TRYING TO GET A DIRECT FLIGHT TO LOS ANGELES. 1913 01:10:51,421 --> 01:10:53,945 HE WAS NERVOUS 'CAUSE HIS PLANE HAD A CONNECTION ON THE WAY HOME 1914 01:10:53,988 --> 01:10:56,861 AT THE EMPIRE STATE BUILDING. LIKE... 1915 01:10:56,904 --> 01:10:59,516 THAT WAS WHEN THE CROWD TURNED. THEY STARTED BOOING HIM. 1916 01:10:59,559 --> 01:11:02,432 THERE WAS A GUY IN THE AUDIENCE SHOUTING, "TOO SOON, TOO SOON." 1917 01:11:02,475 --> 01:11:06,044 THE CROWD WAS MURMURING, AND HE SAID... OKAY. 1918 01:11:06,087 --> 01:11:08,873 A MAN... 1919 01:11:08,916 --> 01:11:13,443 A TRAV... A TALENT AGENT IS SITTING IN HIS OFFICE. 1920 01:11:13,486 --> 01:11:16,228 A FAMILY WALKS IN: 1921 01:11:16,272 --> 01:11:19,492 MAN, WOMAN, THEIR TWO KIDS AND THEIR LITTLE DOG. 1922 01:11:19,536 --> 01:11:21,886 THE TALENT AGENT GOES, "WHAT KIND OF AN ACT DO YOU DO?" 1923 01:11:21,929 --> 01:11:23,975 IT WAS LIKE HE HAD MADE THIS CONSCIOUS DECISION, 1924 01:11:24,018 --> 01:11:26,847 "OKAY, I CAN'T PUSH THE ENVELOPE OF TASTE 1925 01:11:26,891 --> 01:11:29,067 IN TERMS OF WHAT HAPPENED IN SEPTEMBER, 1926 01:11:29,110 --> 01:11:31,983 SO I'M GOING TO PUSH IT IN A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT DIRECTION." 1927 01:11:32,026 --> 01:11:34,551 IT WAS ARGUABLY THE DIRTIEST ROAST 1928 01:11:34,594 --> 01:11:36,030 THE FRIARS HAD EVER DONE. 1929 01:11:36,074 --> 01:11:38,250 THE FATHER STARTS FUCKING HIS WIFE; 1930 01:11:38,294 --> 01:11:40,644 THE WIFE STARTS JERKING OFF THE SON; 1931 01:11:40,687 --> 01:11:42,907 THE SON STARTS GOING DOWN ON THE SISTER; 1932 01:11:42,950 --> 01:11:45,692 THE SISTER STARTS FINGERING THE DOG'S ASSHOLE. 1933 01:11:45,736 --> 01:11:47,694 HE JUST GRABBED IT BY THE THROAT, YOU KNOW... 1934 01:11:47,738 --> 01:11:49,348 HE JUST ATTACKED. 1935 01:11:49,392 --> 01:11:52,220 THEN, THE SON STARTS BLOWING HIS FATHER! 1936 01:11:52,264 --> 01:11:54,266 WANT ME TO START AT THE BEGINNING? 1937 01:11:54,310 --> 01:11:56,268 [ Laughter ] 1938 01:11:56,312 --> 01:11:58,139 IF YOU MISSED ANY PORTION, 1939 01:11:58,183 --> 01:12:00,664 I'LL REPEAT IT. 1940 01:12:00,707 --> 01:12:02,927 Frank Digiacomo: THERE WAS THIS WEIRD BUZZ THAT CAME, 1941 01:12:02,970 --> 01:12:04,929 AND YOU COULD SEE THE GUYS UP ON THE DAIS 1942 01:12:04,972 --> 01:12:06,365 WERE LOOKING AT EACH OTHER, 1943 01:12:06,409 --> 01:12:08,367 AND THEY HAD THIS LOOK OF FAMILIARITY IN THEIR EYES. 1944 01:12:08,411 --> 01:12:09,542 THEY WERE ALL SORT OF SAYING, 1945 01:12:09,586 --> 01:12:11,239 "WHERE IS HE GOING TO TAKE THIS THING?" 1946 01:12:11,283 --> 01:12:14,939 THEN THE DAUGHTER STARTS LICKING OUT THE FATHER'S ASSHOLE. 1947 01:12:14,982 --> 01:12:16,810 THEN THE FATHER SHITS ON THE FLOOR, 1948 01:12:16,854 --> 01:12:18,769 THE MOTHER SHITS ON THE FLOOR, 1949 01:12:18,812 --> 01:12:21,380 THE DOG PISSES AND SHITS ON THE FLOOR. 1950 01:12:21,424 --> 01:12:25,341 THEY ALL JUMP DOWN INTO THE SHIT AND PISS AND CUM, 1951 01:12:25,384 --> 01:12:28,431 AND THEY START FUCKING AND SUCKING EACH OTHER. 1952 01:12:28,474 --> 01:12:30,607 AND THEN THEY TAKE A BOW. 1953 01:12:30,650 --> 01:12:31,521 Audience: [ Laughing ] 1954 01:12:32,609 --> 01:12:34,785 AND THE TALENT AGENT SAYS... 1955 01:12:37,265 --> 01:12:38,571 I'LL WAIT TILL YOU'RE READY. 1956 01:12:42,183 --> 01:12:44,708 I AM SITTING AT A TABLE OF ALL COMICS. WE'RE ON THE FLOOR. 1957 01:12:44,751 --> 01:12:47,101 THEY MIGHT HAVE TO CLEAN THIS UP FOR TV. 1958 01:12:50,496 --> 01:12:51,497 Drew Carey: I WAS LAUGHING 'CAUSE 1959 01:12:51,541 --> 01:12:52,803 HE JUST WAS GOING SO BIG WITH IT, 1960 01:12:52,846 --> 01:12:55,501 WHICH I CAN'T IMAGINE GILBERT GOTTFRIED DOING. 1961 01:12:55,545 --> 01:12:57,285 IT WAS PROBABLY ONE OF THE BEST 1962 01:12:57,329 --> 01:13:00,637 SINGLE TELLINGS OF A JOKE I'VE EVER HEARD. 1963 01:13:00,680 --> 01:13:02,943 NOW WHERE WAS I? OH YES. 1964 01:13:02,987 --> 01:13:05,685 THE SON IS LICKING OUT HIS FATHER'S ASSHOLE. 1965 01:13:05,729 --> 01:13:06,686 [ Laughter ] 1966 01:13:09,254 --> 01:13:10,473 I ALMOST DIED BECAUSE I COULDN'T... 1967 01:13:10,516 --> 01:13:12,257 COULDN'T CATCH MY BREATH FOR LAUGHING. 1968 01:13:12,300 --> 01:13:14,825 THEY FUCK AND SUCK EACH OTHER AND THEY TAKE A BOW. 1969 01:13:17,131 --> 01:13:20,700 AND THE TALENT AGE... DID YOU MISS ANY PORTION OF THIS? 1970 01:13:20,744 --> 01:13:23,921 THE TALENT AGENT SAYS, "WELL, THAT'S AN INTERESTING ACT," 1971 01:13:23,964 --> 01:13:26,445 WHICH IS KIND OF AN UNDERSTATEMENT. 1972 01:13:26,489 --> 01:13:30,231 THE LAUGH WAS SO DEEP AND CATHARTIC THAT IT WAS... 1973 01:13:30,275 --> 01:13:32,408 LIKE, PEOPLE WERE COUGHING UP PIECES OF LUNG. 1974 01:13:32,451 --> 01:13:34,714 JUST... IT WAS AMAZING. AND A LOT OF THESE PEOPLE 1975 01:13:34,758 --> 01:13:37,717 WHO WERE WATCHING HIM OR UP ON THE DAIS, THEY'RE ALL IN COMEDY, 1976 01:13:37,761 --> 01:13:41,155 AND IT WAS AS IF HE HAD UNITED EVERYBODY IN THAT ONE MOMENT 1977 01:13:41,199 --> 01:13:43,593 BECAUSE HE TOLD SOMETHING THAT THEY ALL KNEW 1978 01:13:43,636 --> 01:13:45,203 AND THEY ALL HAD SOME SORT OF HANDLE ON IT. 1979 01:13:45,246 --> 01:13:47,423 AND HE JUST FOCUSED IT AND DID IT. 1980 01:13:47,466 --> 01:13:49,381 HE CLEARLY HAD IMPRESSED A LOT OF PEOPLE IN THE ROOM. 1981 01:13:49,425 --> 01:13:50,426 NOW... 1982 01:13:52,515 --> 01:13:55,953 Frank Digiacomo: HE PULLED THIS THING OUT AND DID IT SO WELL 1983 01:13:55,996 --> 01:13:58,172 AND WITH SUCH FEARLESSNESS. 1984 01:13:58,216 --> 01:14:01,959 I HATE TO END THIS ON A REALLY SENTIMENTAL NOTE. 1985 01:14:02,002 --> 01:14:03,351 Frank Digiacomo: THERE WAS THIS SOUND IN THE AUDIENCE 1986 01:14:03,395 --> 01:14:05,092 THAT YOU REALLY KNEW THAT THERE WAS... 1987 01:14:05,136 --> 01:14:08,400 SOMETHING WAS HAPPENING HERE THAT WAS OUTSIDE MY GRASP 1988 01:14:08,444 --> 01:14:11,577 AND, YOU KNOW, ANYONE ELSE WHO WASN'T A TOTAL COMEDY VETERAN. 1989 01:14:11,621 --> 01:14:13,797 AGAIN, NOT A GREAT JOKE, SO FAR AS I'M CONCERNED. 1990 01:14:13,840 --> 01:14:17,322 ON THE OTHER HAND, HEAR GILBERT GOTTFRIED TELL A JOKE LIKE THAT, 1991 01:14:17,365 --> 01:14:19,063 IT'S A PICASSO. 1992 01:14:19,106 --> 01:14:20,368 THE JOKE, I DIDN'T CARE ABOUT ANY MORE, 1993 01:14:20,412 --> 01:14:22,022 I JUST WANTED TO SEE HOW FAR HE WOULD TAKE IT, 1994 01:14:22,066 --> 01:14:23,676 AND WHEN HE WOULD NOT STOP SAYING, 1995 01:14:23,720 --> 01:14:25,548 "FUCKING AND SUCKING AND FUCKING..." 1996 01:14:25,591 --> 01:14:27,985 WATCHING HIM GO THROUGH HIS APOPLECTIC, 1997 01:14:28,028 --> 01:14:32,468 RHYTHMIC INCANTATION OF THE WHOLE THING SORT OF TAKES OVER. 1998 01:14:32,511 --> 01:14:35,209 THE FACT THAT HE IS SAYING THESE PARTICULAR WORDS 1999 01:14:35,253 --> 01:14:36,733 ALMOST DOESN'T MATTER. 2000 01:14:36,776 --> 01:14:38,996 HE SAYS, "NOW WHAT DO YOU CALL YOURSELVES?" 2001 01:14:39,039 --> 01:14:41,259 AND THEY GO, "THE ARISTOCRATS"! 2002 01:14:41,302 --> 01:14:42,565 [ Laughter ] 2003 01:14:45,350 --> 01:14:46,699 OH-HO! 2004 01:14:46,743 --> 01:14:49,310 WELL, SEE... IT'S JUST A... 2005 01:14:49,354 --> 01:14:51,312 IT'S JUST A JOKE. 2006 01:14:51,356 --> 01:14:53,227 HELP! 2007 01:14:53,271 --> 01:14:55,055 IT'S AS SHOCKING AS THE FIRST TIME YOU HEARD IT, ISN'T IT? 2008 01:14:55,099 --> 01:14:56,492 DON'T TOUCH ME. 2009 01:14:57,188 --> 01:14:58,798 IS THAT THE JOKE THAT YOU REMEMBER? 2010 01:14:58,842 --> 01:15:00,887 WELL, I DIDN'T HEAR IT THAT WAY. [ Laughing ] 2011 01:15:00,931 --> 01:15:02,323 THIS IS SO MUCH WORSE. 2012 01:15:07,851 --> 01:15:10,027 I'M ALREADY FEELING LIKE I DIDN'T DO IT JUSTICE. 2013 01:15:10,070 --> 01:15:11,942 I HAD FUCKING THE DAUGHTER IN THERE, BUT I DIDN'T... 2014 01:15:11,985 --> 01:15:14,597 I DIDN'T COLOUR IT IN WITH COLOURFUL ADJECTIVES. 2015 01:15:14,640 --> 01:15:16,337 UH, "AN ARM LIKE POPEYE." 2016 01:15:16,381 --> 01:15:18,818 I DIDN'T REALIZE THE BILL THAT I WAS ON. 2017 01:15:18,862 --> 01:15:20,951 WHAT'S THE MOST POSSIBLY VILE AND OFFENSIVE THING 2018 01:15:20,994 --> 01:15:22,692 YOU COULD ADD TO TOP ALL THAT. 2019 01:15:22,735 --> 01:15:25,782 IF THE GUY TOOK SOME OF THE SHIT THAT WAS ON THE STAGE 2020 01:15:25,825 --> 01:15:28,132 AND SMEARED IT ON HIS FACE AND DID A BLACK-FACE ROUTINE. 2021 01:15:28,175 --> 01:15:30,526 [ Laughing ] DOING A MINSTREL ACT. 2022 01:15:30,569 --> 01:15:33,006 THAT'S GOOD. ADD RACE-BAITING. 2023 01:15:33,050 --> 01:15:35,095 SEX ANY MORE, WHO GIVES A SHIT? THE RACIAL ISSUE 2024 01:15:35,139 --> 01:15:37,358 HAS REPLACED THE SEXUAL ISSUE. 2025 01:15:37,402 --> 01:15:38,621 I'M THE AGENT AND YOU'RE THE CLIENT. 2026 01:15:38,664 --> 01:15:40,840 OKAY. ARE YOU A JEW AGENT, 2027 01:15:40,884 --> 01:15:43,408 YOU FILTHY, HOOK-NOSED 2028 01:15:43,451 --> 01:15:45,584 THIEVING FUCK? YEAH. 2029 01:15:45,628 --> 01:15:46,846 THE AGENT SAYS, "YEAH, WHAT DO YOU DO?" 2030 01:15:46,890 --> 01:15:48,195 HE GOES, "A BLACK GUY COMES ON 2031 01:15:48,239 --> 01:15:49,545 AND STARTS SUCKIN' MY COCK 2032 01:15:49,588 --> 01:15:52,330 LIKE IT'S A CHICKEN NECK BONE. [ Laughter ] 2033 01:15:52,373 --> 01:15:54,201 THIS INDIAN COMES ON... 2034 01:15:54,245 --> 01:15:56,073 YOU KNOW, SLURPIE INDIAN, NOT CASINO INDIAN... 2035 01:16:00,556 --> 01:16:04,342 SPRINKLES CURRY ON EVERYBODY 2036 01:16:04,385 --> 01:16:06,474 AND START STINKING UP THE PLACE. 2037 01:16:06,518 --> 01:16:09,521 A SPIC COMES ON, STEALS EVERYBODY'S WALLET, 2038 01:16:09,565 --> 01:16:12,742 AND TAKES A SHIT ON THE STAGE. 2039 01:16:12,785 --> 01:16:15,266 BLACK GUY GRABS A MOP, STICKS IT UP THE GAY GUY'S ASS 2040 01:16:15,309 --> 01:16:17,442 AND MOPS UP THE FUCKING FLOOR." 2041 01:16:17,485 --> 01:16:19,792 THE AGENT SAYS, "HOLY SHIT. 2042 01:16:19,836 --> 01:16:21,228 WHAT DO YOU GUYS CALL YOURSELVES?" 2043 01:16:21,272 --> 01:16:23,404 THE FAG GOES, "THE ARISTOCRATS". 2044 01:16:26,625 --> 01:16:28,366 ONE OF THE CLICHES PEOPLE OFTEN GO TO IS... 2045 01:16:28,409 --> 01:16:30,324 NOW A LOT OF... SOME PEOPLE DO THIS FOR SHOCK VALUE. 2046 01:16:30,368 --> 01:16:34,067 WELL, SHOCK IS JUST ANOTHER UPTOWN WORD FOR SURPRISE. 2047 01:16:34,111 --> 01:16:36,069 GRANTED IT HAS A DIFFERENT QUALITY TO IT, 2048 01:16:36,113 --> 01:16:38,419 BUT A JOKE IS ABOUT SURPRISING SOMEONE. 2049 01:16:38,463 --> 01:16:41,466 LIKE THREE WOMEN OF COLOUR, THEY GO IN THIS, UH, AGENT'S OFFICE. 2050 01:16:41,509 --> 01:16:42,728 THEY GO, "WELL, WHAT DO YOU DO?" 2051 01:16:42,772 --> 01:16:44,600 SHE GOES, "WELL, MY SISTER PLAYS THE CELLO. 2052 01:16:44,643 --> 01:16:48,212 SHE PLAYS, UH, CHOPIN'S, UH, "THIRD MOVEMENT IN B MINOR". 2053 01:16:48,255 --> 01:16:50,997 I LAY ON A CHAISE LOUNGE, NUDE, 2054 01:16:51,041 --> 01:16:53,347 READING SONNETS FROM SHAKESPEARE, 2055 01:16:53,391 --> 01:16:55,480 AND THEN MY THIRD SISTER PAINTS A PAINTING 2056 01:16:55,523 --> 01:16:57,700 VERY SIMILAR TO DECROIX'S "THE GIRL". 2057 01:16:57,743 --> 01:16:59,179 HE GOES, "WOW, THAT SOUNDS GOOD. 2058 01:16:59,223 --> 01:17:00,441 WHAT DO YOU CALL THIS ACT?" 2059 01:17:00,485 --> 01:17:01,486 SHE GOES, "OH, WE'RE 'NIGGER CUNTS'." 2060 01:17:02,574 --> 01:17:04,489 BUT YOU CAN'T SAY THAT. 2061 01:17:04,532 --> 01:17:06,534 THAT'S THE TWO WORST WORDS IN THE WORLD. 2062 01:17:06,578 --> 01:17:08,101 I'M A GREAT BELIEVER IN CONTEXT. 2063 01:17:08,145 --> 01:17:10,060 I SAY YOU CAN JOKE ABOUT ANYTHING. 2064 01:17:10,103 --> 01:17:12,540 FUNNY IS FUNNY. IF THEY'RE TOLD WITH A FUNNY BONE, 2065 01:17:12,584 --> 01:17:13,759 ANYTHING'S ACCEPTABLE. 2066 01:17:13,803 --> 01:17:16,370 I MEAN, LET'S HAVE SOME FUN. 2067 01:17:16,414 --> 01:17:19,983 YOU KNOW, AFTER THE TRAGIC EVENTS OF, UH, JANUARY 3rd, 2068 01:17:20,026 --> 01:17:22,420 COME ON. 2069 01:17:22,463 --> 01:17:24,117 ON JANUARY 3rd, I LEFT MY VISA 2070 01:17:24,161 --> 01:17:26,685 AT THE FOUR SEASONS ON DOHENY. IT WAS LIKE... 2071 01:17:26,729 --> 01:17:29,688 I DO LIKE FINDING OUT WHERE THE LINE IS DRAWN, 2072 01:17:29,732 --> 01:17:31,385 DELIBERATELY CROSSING IT, 2073 01:17:31,429 --> 01:17:33,866 BRINGING SOME OF THEM WITH ME ACROSS THE LINE 2074 01:17:33,910 --> 01:17:35,781 AND HAVING THEM BE HAPPY THAT I DID. 2075 01:17:35,825 --> 01:17:37,696 I LIKE TO TAKE CHANCES BECAUSE... 2076 01:17:37,740 --> 01:17:39,829 I JUST THINK THAT, YOU KNOW, YOU SHOULD. 2077 01:17:39,872 --> 01:17:42,483 YOU KNOW, THAT'S WHAT COMEDY IS ALL ABOUT. 2078 01:17:42,527 --> 01:17:44,921 I PULL UP MOMMY'S DRESS, 2079 01:17:44,964 --> 01:17:46,836 AND I PUT MY WIENER IN HER BUTT. 2080 01:17:46,879 --> 01:17:50,927 AND I PUSH IT INTO HER UNWILLING ANUS... 2081 01:17:50,970 --> 01:17:54,452 AND I MOVE MY WIENER BACK AND FORTH UNTIL STUFF SHOOTS OUT. 2082 01:17:54,495 --> 01:17:57,455 TILL IT'S FINALLY JUST A WHOLE PROLAPSED RECTUM. 2083 01:17:57,498 --> 01:17:59,718 IT LOOKS LIKE AN ULCERATED SEA SNAKE. 2084 01:17:59,762 --> 01:18:02,460 REMEMBER WHEN I TOOK YOU TO SEA WORLD? YEAH. 2085 01:18:02,503 --> 01:18:05,245 AND ALL THIS STUFF SHOOTS ONTO HER FACE. 2086 01:18:05,289 --> 01:18:08,422 AND I STICK MY COCK IN HER ASS. IT'S LIKE A SHILLELAGH. 2087 01:18:08,466 --> 01:18:11,512 IT'S ALL KNOTTED WITH BOILS AND FIBROUS TUMOURS. 2088 01:18:11,556 --> 01:18:13,210 I'LL SHOW YOU A LITTLE BIT LATER. 2089 01:18:13,253 --> 01:18:16,256 THE BROTHER COMES OUT. HE EATS THE STUFF OFF HER FACE. 2090 01:18:16,300 --> 01:18:18,998 WITH THIS BLEEDING ANUS SPLATTERING ON THE CROWD, 2091 01:18:19,042 --> 01:18:20,957 WE GIVE THE FRONT ROW GARBAGE BAGS. 2092 01:18:21,000 --> 01:18:23,263 HAVE YOU EVER SEEN GALLAGHER? [ Whimpering ] 2093 01:18:23,307 --> 01:18:25,613 YEAH, I DIDN'T LIKE IT THAT MUCH MYSELF. 2094 01:18:25,657 --> 01:18:27,703 AND THEY EAT THE POOP OFF THE FLOOR. 2095 01:18:27,746 --> 01:18:29,922 AND HE SAYS, "TAH-DAH!" 2096 01:18:29,966 --> 01:18:33,796 AND THE MAN SAYS, "THE ARISTOCRATS"! 2097 01:18:33,839 --> 01:18:35,580 AND BOTH OF THE MEN ARE PROBABLY JEWS. 2098 01:18:39,366 --> 01:18:40,803 Alan Kirschenbaum: THAT THERE'S STILL A JOKE OUT THERE 2099 01:18:40,846 --> 01:18:42,892 THAT MAYBE THEY SHOULDN'T TELL, 2100 01:18:42,935 --> 01:18:45,155 YOU KNOW, MAYBE THEY'RE TAKING A CHANCE TELLING; 2101 01:18:45,198 --> 01:18:47,200 MAYBE THEY GET A LITTLE BIT NERVOUS 2102 01:18:47,244 --> 01:18:49,855 AS THEY START THE JOKE, MEANS SOMETHING. 2103 01:18:49,899 --> 01:18:51,770 EVEN IN TODAY'S DAY AND AGE, 2104 01:18:51,814 --> 01:18:53,598 THEY JUST GET A LITTLE MURMUR INSIDE 2105 01:18:53,641 --> 01:18:55,078 AND I THINK THAT WOULD BE 2106 01:18:55,121 --> 01:18:59,735 WHAT KEEPS A JOKE LIKE THIS SPECIAL. 2107 01:18:59,778 --> 01:19:00,997 YOU KNOW, I NEVER REALIZED ANY OF THAT 2108 01:19:01,040 --> 01:19:02,172 STUFF WAS CONSIDERED DIRTY, 'CAUSE I WAS... 2109 01:19:02,215 --> 01:19:03,434 IT'S FUNNY, BEFORE YOU GUYS GOT HERE, 2110 01:19:03,477 --> 01:19:05,610 I WAS EATING A PLATE OF MY OWN SHIT. 2111 01:19:05,653 --> 01:19:09,222 UM, AND THAT THE... HEY, MYLE. HEY! 2112 01:19:09,266 --> 01:19:11,703 DO YOU KNOW THIS JOKE ABOUT... 2113 01:19:11,747 --> 01:19:13,705 THE PUNCHLINE IS, "THE ARISTOCRATS". 2114 01:19:13,749 --> 01:19:15,402 I TOTALLY DO NOT GET IT. 2115 01:19:15,446 --> 01:19:16,839 YOU DON'T GET THE JOKE? 2116 01:19:16,882 --> 01:19:19,798 SOMEONE TOLD IT TO ME BUT I DON'T GET IT. 2117 01:19:19,842 --> 01:19:22,061 'CAUSE IT'S A WHOLE FAMILY'S HAVING SEX WITH EACH OTHER. 2118 01:19:22,105 --> 01:19:23,802 NO, IT'S... IT'S THAT ARISTOCRATIC? 2119 01:19:23,846 --> 01:19:25,804 IT'S MORE THAN THAT. 2120 01:19:25,848 --> 01:19:28,241 UM... 2121 01:19:28,285 --> 01:19:29,939 YEAH, I THINK IT'S BEST IF WE DON'T BREAK IT DOWN. 2122 01:19:29,982 --> 01:19:31,679 WOULD YOU AGREE WITH THAT? 2123 01:19:31,723 --> 01:19:33,638 [ Jazz ♪♪♪ ] 2124 01:19:40,123 --> 01:19:41,864 NO, I DON'T WANT TO TELL THE JOKE. 2125 01:19:41,907 --> 01:19:43,953 YOU GUYS HAVE HAD WAY TOO MANY GREAT PEOPLE TELLING THIS JOKE. 2126 01:19:43,996 --> 01:19:45,693 [ Laughing ] 2127 01:19:58,881 --> 01:20:01,535 ♪ THE ARISTOCRATS! 2128 01:20:01,579 --> 01:20:02,667 [ Laughing ] 2129 01:20:04,277 --> 01:20:05,191 THAT'S GREAT. 2130 01:20:07,280 --> 01:20:08,673 THE BEST LOOKIN' ASS IN SHOW BUSINESS. 2131 01:20:12,720 --> 01:20:16,072 DON'T EVER ASK ME TO DO ANOTHER FAVOUR FOR YOU. 2132 01:20:16,115 --> 01:20:18,639 I GUARANTEE YOU THIS WOULD NOT WIND UP ON MY DEMO TAPE. 2133 01:20:18,683 --> 01:20:21,338 I'M NOT GOING TO WORK FOR DISNEY EVER AGAIN, 2134 01:20:21,381 --> 01:20:23,514 THANKS A LOT, PAUL PROVENZA. 2135 01:20:23,557 --> 01:20:25,124 I ONCE ASKED DOM IRRERA, "WHY DOES ANAL SEX 2136 01:20:25,168 --> 01:20:27,474 PLAY SUCH A HUGE ROLE IN HUMOUR?" 2137 01:20:27,518 --> 01:20:29,563 AND HE SAID, "I CAN'T TELL YOU, BUT I CAN SHOW YOU." 2138 01:20:38,137 --> 01:20:40,400 SARAH SILVERMAN IS A YOUNG LADY TO WATCH. 2139 01:20:40,444 --> 01:20:41,488 I'LL KEEP AN EYE ON HER. 2140 01:20:43,229 --> 01:20:44,840 Man: BUT YOU'VE NEVER MET HER? NO. 2141 01:20:47,494 --> 01:20:48,713 DOES EVERYONE DO IT? DOES EVERYONE DO THIS? 2142 01:20:48,756 --> 01:20:49,932 OR NO? 2143 01:20:49,975 --> 01:20:51,498 ALL RIGHT. FUCK. SHIT. CUNT. 2144 01:21:01,204 --> 01:21:02,509 A MAN GOES INTO A PUB, 2145 01:21:02,553 --> 01:21:03,989 ANOTHER GUY GOES IN AND HITS HIM ON THE HEAD 2146 01:21:04,033 --> 01:21:05,425 WITH AN IRON BAR. HE SAYS, "HEY! 2147 01:21:05,469 --> 01:21:07,079 IS THAT SERIOUS OR A JOKE?" 2148 01:21:07,123 --> 01:21:08,733 HE SAYS, "IT WAS SERIOUS." HE SAYS, "THANK GOD, 2149 01:21:08,776 --> 01:21:10,343 I CAN'T STAND JOKES LIKE THAT." 2150 01:21:15,783 --> 01:21:17,002 IS ANY OF THIS FUNNY? 2151 01:21:17,046 --> 01:21:19,483 DON'T, DON'T, DON'T PAN TO THEM; STAY ON ME. 2152 01:21:19,526 --> 01:21:21,093 DON'T, DON'T LOOK AT THEM. 2153 01:21:21,137 --> 01:21:22,355 THERE'S GOING TO BE PROBLEMS. 2154 01:21:22,399 --> 01:21:23,052 Man: GOT IT. OKAY. 2155 01:21:40,069 --> 01:21:44,029 BRUNCH IS GOING TO UP IN REDFORD'S THING, 2020? 2156 01:21:44,073 --> 01:21:45,161 I'LL TRY TO BE ALIVE FOR IT. 2157 01:21:51,384 --> 01:21:54,170 IT'S NOT OFTEN THAT YOU TALK ABOUT CUNTS FOR 10 MINUTES 2158 01:21:54,213 --> 01:21:55,780 AND SOMEBODY BEHIND THE CAMERA GOES, 2159 01:21:55,823 --> 01:21:58,000 "PERFECT, THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT WE NEED." 2160 01:22:02,830 --> 01:22:05,659 A GUY SEES TWO PRIESTS HAVING SUPPER TOGETHER, 2161 01:22:05,703 --> 01:22:07,792 AND HE SAYS, "I DIDN'T KNOW WHETHER TO SEND THEM A BOTTLE OF WINE 2162 01:22:07,835 --> 01:22:08,880 OR A CUB SCOUT." 2163 01:22:24,765 --> 01:22:27,986 THE DOG'S NAME IS PEANUT, UM, AND SHE IS BLIND. 2164 01:22:28,030 --> 01:22:30,206 UH, SHE WASN'T BLIND WHEN WE GOT HER, 2165 01:22:30,249 --> 01:22:33,513 BUT WE BLINDED HER JUST SO SHE'D BE A LITTLE BIT MORE FUN. 2166 01:22:43,915 --> 01:22:44,960 OOOHH... 2167 01:22:45,003 --> 01:22:45,961 THAT'S GOOD. 2168 01:22:46,004 --> 01:22:47,266 OOOOHH... FUCK, THAT'S GOOD. 2169 01:22:53,185 --> 01:22:54,056 IS THIS THING ON? 2170 01:23:16,687 --> 01:23:18,515 TO THE OTHER COMEDIANS THAT DID THIS, 2171 01:23:18,558 --> 01:23:19,472 I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GETTING, 2172 01:23:19,516 --> 01:23:21,257 BUT THEY REFUSE TO PAY ME. 2173 01:23:21,300 --> 01:23:22,954 AND I'M REALLY STEAMED, STEAMED! 2174 01:23:31,267 --> 01:23:32,659 AND THE AGENT SAYS... 2175 01:23:32,703 --> 01:23:34,096 [ Flushing of toilet ] 2176 01:23:38,926 --> 01:23:40,406 WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING? 2177 01:23:51,722 --> 01:23:53,506 DID OTHER PEOPLE GET LAUGHS OUT OF THIS? 2178 01:23:53,550 --> 01:23:55,030 I THINK SO. JEEZ. 2179 01:23:55,073 --> 01:23:57,162 AND HE SAYS, "THE ARISTOCRATS"! 2180 01:23:58,555 --> 01:24:00,774 IT'S 'CAUSE IT'S ABSOLUTELY 2181 01:24:00,818 --> 01:24:02,820 THE WRONG THING TO CALL AN ACT LIKE THAT. 2182 01:24:21,360 --> 01:24:22,274 IS IT ON? 2183 01:24:26,191 --> 01:24:27,801 YOU'RE NOT TAPING YET, REALLY ARE YOU? 2184 01:24:28,280 --> 01:24:29,238 GOODBYE! 2185 01:24:29,281 --> 01:24:30,978 Man: THERE GOES THE MIC! 2186 01:24:31,022 --> 01:24:33,155 SHIT, I FORGOT WE HAD THE MIC ON. 2187 01:24:33,198 --> 01:24:35,070 TRY THIS, BALL SACKS. 2188 01:24:35,113 --> 01:24:36,201 GREAT, I SAID BALL SACKS 2189 01:24:36,245 --> 01:24:37,855 IN FRONT OF A SIX-YEAR-OLD GIRL. 2190 01:24:37,898 --> 01:24:39,378 THEY'RE NOW GOING TO TAKE MY SIX-YEAR-OLD AWAY FROM ME. 2191 01:24:39,422 --> 01:24:42,207 BYE, ROBERT, DADDY LOVES YOU. 2192 01:24:44,992 --> 01:24:47,125 I OFTEN JUST SIT HERE IN MY GARDEN, 2193 01:24:47,169 --> 01:24:49,693 GAZING INTO MY VICTORIAN REFLECTING BALL 2194 01:24:49,736 --> 01:24:52,435 AND... DARLING WOULD YOU GET ME A CUP OF TEA? 2195 01:24:52,478 --> 01:24:53,436 Woman: GET IT YOURSELF! 2196 01:24:55,568 --> 01:24:57,222 I JUST WANT TO THANK YOU. 2197 01:24:57,266 --> 01:25:00,138 IT'S SO NICE TO BE PART OF THIS EXTRAORDINARY EXPERIENCE. 2198 01:25:00,182 --> 01:25:02,749 A RABBI WALKS INTO A BAR WITH A FROG ON HIS SHOULDER. 2199 01:25:02,793 --> 01:25:04,360 THE BARTENDER SAYS, "HEY, WHERE DID YOU GET THAT?" 2200 01:25:04,403 --> 01:25:05,578 AND THE FROG SAYS, "BROOKLYN, 2201 01:25:05,622 --> 01:25:07,276 THERE'S HUNDREDS OF THEM." 2202 01:25:07,319 --> 01:25:08,233 GOOD LUCK. 2203 01:25:13,760 --> 01:25:15,762 I FEEL LIKE WE'RE ALL, LIKE, CONNECTED. 2204 01:25:17,808 --> 01:25:20,506 AND NOW, THE WORLD'S OLDEST LIVING VAUDEVILLIAN 2205 01:25:20,550 --> 01:25:22,639 WITH THE ORIGINAL "ARISTOCRATS" JOKE. 2206 01:25:28,514 --> 01:25:43,442 [ ♪♪♪ ] 2207 01:26:05,812 --> 01:26:07,858 NO, THIS WAY, THIS WAY, THIS WAY, THIS WAY. 2208 01:26:07,901 --> 01:26:08,554 THIS WAY. 2209 01:26:33,188 --> 01:26:36,843 THERE ARE THESE TWO MOUNTAIN GOATS AND THEY... 2210 01:26:39,281 --> 01:26:40,586 [ Snoring ] 2211 01:26:42,458 --> 01:26:44,024 Man: SIR, SIR, SIR? 2212 01:26:45,678 --> 01:26:47,289 SIR? HUH? 2213 01:26:48,942 --> 01:26:49,595 THANK YOU! 2214 01:26:54,078 --> 01:26:55,035 OH... 2215 01:26:55,079 --> 01:27:05,089 [ ♪♪♪ ] 2216 01:27:05,132 --> 01:27:10,094 [ ♪♪♪ ] 2217 01:28:06,585 --> 01:28:08,500 Both: "ARISTOCRATS". 166400

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