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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,566 --> 00:00:05,205 # They say I might as well face the truth 2 00:00:06,006 --> 00:00:08,759 # That I am just too long in the tooth 3 00:00:09,486 --> 00:00:12,319 # So I'm an OAP and weak-kneed 4 00:00:12,886 --> 00:00:15,798 # But I have not yet quite gone to seed 5 00:00:16,526 --> 00:00:20,201 # I may be over the hill now that I have retired 6 00:00:20,566 --> 00:00:23,683 # Fading away but I've not yet expired 7 00:00:24,006 --> 00:00:27,316 # Clapped out, run down, too old to save 8 00:00:27,766 --> 00:00:30,075 # One foot in the grave # 9 00:00:41,446 --> 00:00:44,483 Will you just leave that for tonight? 10 00:00:44,886 --> 00:00:46,444 Here we go, look 11 00:00:47,366 --> 00:00:50,483 Three, two, one 12 00:00:50,566 --> 00:00:52,045 (SCRAPING) 13 00:00:54,526 --> 00:00:57,199 Look at that Look at that! 14 00:00:58,206 --> 00:01:01,881 All the models on the market, we have to end up with a waste disposal unit 15 00:01:01,966 --> 00:01:03,922 that can't keep its food down 16 00:01:05,286 --> 00:01:07,800 Would you mind changing the subject please? 17 00:01:08,166 --> 00:01:12,682 Yes, well, I told you we shouldn't have gone for that Indian tonight, didn't I? Didn't I say? 18 00:01:12,766 --> 00:01:14,199 It wasn't the Indian 19 00:01:14,286 --> 00:01:16,117 Are you coming up now or what? 20 00:01:16,206 --> 00:01:18,595 This is enough to turn anyone's stomach 21 00:01:18,726 --> 00:01:20,637 Do you know, I think 22 00:01:27,486 --> 00:01:29,124 Bloody restaurant 23 00:01:30,206 --> 00:01:32,401 It was bad enough the last time we went there 24 00:01:32,486 --> 00:01:35,444 when that key broke inside the lock to the gents' 25 00:01:36,046 --> 00:01:40,676 Spent the entire night sat in the toilet while they passed poppadums under the door 26 00:01:42,766 --> 00:01:46,156 But tonight is a real corker, I have to give them that 27 00:01:46,246 --> 00:01:50,159 Watching a naked woman dangling her breasts in the basmati rice 28 00:01:51,126 --> 00:01:53,481 I mean, that's one of their best 29 00:01:53,566 --> 00:01:56,319 I think that's a slight exaggeration, don't you? 30 00:01:56,446 --> 00:01:57,959 All you need, isn't it? 31 00:01:58,046 --> 00:02:02,836 A strip-o-gram singing Happy Birthday to a group of lager louts at the next table 32 00:02:03,126 --> 00:02:06,038 What did she look like with that stupid blonde wig on? 33 00:02:06,126 --> 00:02:08,117 I think she was meant to be Marilyn Monroe 34 00:02:08,206 --> 00:02:12,245 Oh, is that what it was? I wondered why Harpo Marx was wearing a bra 35 00:02:13,406 --> 00:02:17,001 Look, why don't you lie down and I'll give you another massage 36 00:02:17,086 --> 00:02:19,281 She had a stomach on her like Fred Emney 37 00:02:20,206 --> 00:02:23,198 You notice they never say anything in that place, either 38 00:02:23,286 --> 00:02:25,925 Just let the customers get away with murder 39 00:02:26,006 --> 00:02:27,041 Oh 40 00:02:27,126 --> 00:02:28,275 I 41 00:02:28,766 --> 00:02:32,679 I don't feel very good at all, Victor 42 00:02:34,046 --> 00:02:35,320 Victor 43 00:02:35,886 --> 00:02:37,763 (TOILET FLUSHING) 44 00:02:40,086 --> 00:02:42,919 Too scared to say anything, that's the trouble 45 00:02:44,046 --> 00:02:47,834 Like when that yobbo with the earring stuck my cap in his mouth 46 00:02:49,286 --> 00:02:52,801 shouting, ''Here, Dave, this chapatti's a bit tough'' 47 00:02:54,726 --> 00:02:57,194 Teeth-marks in the lining now for evermore 48 00:02:59,406 --> 00:03:04,844 If you're not feeling any better by Saturday, perhaps you'd better give Roger's party a miss 49 00:03:04,926 --> 00:03:06,484 Margaret? 50 00:03:07,566 --> 00:03:09,238 Margaret, are you 51 00:03:11,526 --> 00:03:12,675 Margaret 52 00:03:14,806 --> 00:03:17,764 Not a lot better yet, I'm afraid, Roger 53 00:03:18,686 --> 00:03:22,122 Oh, I know, and she was really looking forward to coming as well 54 00:03:22,366 --> 00:03:25,199 Doctor says it's nervous exhaustion mainly 55 00:03:25,286 --> 00:03:28,084 It's been building up over the last 35 years 56 00:03:31,006 --> 00:03:33,076 I don't know what he meant by that 57 00:03:33,526 --> 00:03:37,075 Yeah, of course, and the death of her mother and everything 58 00:03:37,966 --> 00:03:39,285 Sorry? 59 00:03:40,126 --> 00:03:44,244 No, we didn't keep very much in the end Just her answering machine and some jewellery 60 00:03:44,326 --> 00:03:45,600 Oh, and her video 61 00:03:45,686 --> 00:03:48,075 Yeah, so we don't have to keep hiring this other thing anymore 62 00:03:48,166 --> 00:03:51,715 Man was supposed to come and collect it at 9:00, he still hasn't arrived 63 00:03:51,806 --> 00:03:54,445 Yes, I will, Roger, and happy birthday 64 00:03:54,526 --> 00:03:57,086 Yup I'll see you about 8:00 Bye 65 00:04:09,886 --> 00:04:12,354 Bloody video man still hasn't arrived 66 00:04:13,486 --> 00:04:17,274 Just spoke to Roger Apparently it's going to be rather a swish do over there tonight 67 00:04:17,366 --> 00:04:20,517 Just as well I got that suit cleaned Now, what else? 68 00:04:20,606 --> 00:04:23,882 Oh, yes, I'm just going to unplug the phone so you're not interrupted 69 00:04:23,966 --> 00:04:25,240 Thank you 70 00:04:25,326 --> 00:04:27,442 That's the most important thing, 71 00:04:27,526 --> 00:04:31,485 that you get plenty of peace and quiet 72 00:04:31,566 --> 00:04:33,522 with no unwanted interruptions 73 00:04:36,806 --> 00:04:40,481 Nothing that's going to get you worked up or agitated again 74 00:04:43,846 --> 00:04:46,679 You're sure there's not too much noise coming through this window for you? 75 00:04:46,766 --> 00:04:48,324 No, no, no, it's fine 76 00:04:48,406 --> 00:04:50,920 Because there's nothing worse than that 77 00:04:51,006 --> 00:04:55,079 Trying to get off to sleep with some mindless racket going on outside 78 00:04:55,526 --> 00:04:59,678 People jabbering away and God knows what That could drive you absolutely potty 79 00:04:59,766 --> 00:05:03,725 -I know for myself -Will you shut the f 80 00:05:04,206 --> 00:05:07,676 front door quietly when you go out, please? Thank you 81 00:05:09,646 --> 00:05:10,635 Yes, of course 82 00:05:10,726 --> 00:05:12,000 (KNOCKING) 83 00:05:12,086 --> 00:05:15,237 Oh, that'll be Mrs Warboys with the dry-cleaning 84 00:05:22,206 --> 00:05:24,720 How did it go? Did you manage to get them both? 85 00:05:24,806 --> 00:05:26,762 MRS WARBOYS: Fine thanks, yes 86 00:05:26,846 --> 00:05:29,314 Took a bit of a while to find Margaret's 87 00:05:30,126 --> 00:05:32,594 Shame she won't be needing it now 88 00:05:32,726 --> 00:05:36,685 I don't think they're all that well-organised in that place, if you ask me 89 00:05:36,766 --> 00:05:39,519 I've known one or two people say over the years 90 00:05:44,286 --> 00:05:45,799 What's this? 91 00:05:45,886 --> 00:05:51,006 Oh, yes, she said they got almost all the beetroot out if you didn't look too closely 92 00:05:51,086 --> 00:05:53,281 Myself, I can hardly see a thing 93 00:05:54,006 --> 00:05:55,075 This! 94 00:05:55,166 --> 00:05:56,804 (SPLUTTERING) 95 00:05:56,886 --> 00:05:59,081 This isn't my suit 96 00:05:59,366 --> 00:06:00,594 Isn't it? 97 00:06:00,686 --> 00:06:02,324 Of course it 98 00:06:03,926 --> 00:06:07,043 Where in the name of sanity did it come from? 99 00:06:07,846 --> 00:06:10,724 Oh, don't tell me they mixed up the tickets again 100 00:06:10,966 --> 00:06:15,357 Mixed up the You must have seen it was a mistake when you got it out 101 00:06:17,726 --> 00:06:20,604 Well, I don't know what your suit looks like, do I? 102 00:06:21,126 --> 00:06:23,435 Well, it doesn't bloody well look like this! 103 00:06:23,526 --> 00:06:26,757 I mean, where do you think I shop? King Kong at C&A's? 104 00:06:28,166 --> 00:06:31,522 MRS WARBOYS: Actually, I thought it was for a fancy dress or something 105 00:06:31,646 --> 00:06:34,877 Fancy dress? I mean, it's not even my size! 106 00:06:35,686 --> 00:06:39,076 And there's no permanent crease in the trousers, look at that 107 00:06:39,686 --> 00:06:43,395 Something else I've got to do now, is take that back As if I didn't have enough to 108 00:06:43,486 --> 00:06:45,078 (DOORBELL RINGING) 109 00:07:32,846 --> 00:07:36,316 Morning, Mr Meldrew Are you well? 110 00:07:41,486 --> 00:07:45,195 Oh! I expect you think I've gone completely off my head 111 00:07:45,526 --> 00:07:49,155 No, only, it's the third round of the Jeyes Fluid Cup on Friday 112 00:07:49,286 --> 00:07:51,754 and we've drawn the Gribley Street Exhaust Centre 113 00:07:51,846 --> 00:07:55,202 So they'll be pretty stiff opposition, I expect 114 00:07:55,286 --> 00:07:57,846 I've got to keep my hand in or my arm gets rusty 115 00:07:58,086 --> 00:07:59,838 Does it? Yes 116 00:07:59,926 --> 00:08:03,919 Well, I can't stop I've got to take a gorilla costume back to the cleaners 117 00:08:04,246 --> 00:08:06,282 A gorilla costume? My goodness 118 00:08:06,406 --> 00:08:11,002 Yes, can you believe it? I put my best suit in ready for a party tonight and I get that 119 00:08:11,126 --> 00:08:13,686 And they call themselves a bloody dry-cleaning service 120 00:08:13,766 --> 00:08:16,360 They close early on a Saturday, too 121 00:08:16,446 --> 00:08:19,040 I'll probably end up without a suit to wear at all 122 00:08:19,126 --> 00:08:22,243 Oh, well, if you get stuck, Mr Meldrew, I've always got one you can borrow 123 00:08:22,326 --> 00:08:26,001 -Be just about your size, too -Really? Well, no, I don't think that'll be 124 00:08:26,086 --> 00:08:28,554 I'll pop it round later You can always see what you think 125 00:08:28,646 --> 00:08:31,718 Oh, right then, just as a backup Thanks very much 126 00:08:31,886 --> 00:08:33,365 You're very welcome 127 00:08:34,126 --> 00:08:38,483 Mother, will you please sit back in that chair or I'll have your hairnet off again 128 00:08:38,566 --> 00:08:39,794 Thank you 129 00:08:44,086 --> 00:08:48,045 and just as I was deciding which colour would go best with his artificial eye, 130 00:08:48,126 --> 00:08:49,957 you know, I thought, 131 00:08:50,046 --> 00:08:52,116 ''That girl there looks familiar'' 132 00:08:53,006 --> 00:08:54,519 And guess who it was 133 00:08:54,606 --> 00:08:59,077 Little Andrea Temple who used to live at the back of you in Wingate Crescent 134 00:08:59,166 --> 00:09:01,202 -No! -Quite grown up now, 135 00:09:01,286 --> 00:09:03,880 and got the loveliest little baby boy 136 00:09:04,006 --> 00:09:06,839 Said, if she could, she'd bring him round tomorrow afternoon to show you 137 00:09:06,926 --> 00:09:08,075 Oh! 138 00:09:08,646 --> 00:09:12,958 Well, I mean, you were like a second mother to her in those days, weren't you? 139 00:09:13,046 --> 00:09:17,039 The way her parents always left her to fend for herself, poor little mite 140 00:09:17,406 --> 00:09:20,523 God, that monster of a father 141 00:09:20,606 --> 00:09:22,915 -Do you remember? -Well, he was never off the turps 142 00:09:23,006 --> 00:09:27,443 I know And she was sleeping with a mortuary attendant 143 00:09:28,486 --> 00:09:32,604 They got through a dozen coffins in one week by all accounts 144 00:09:32,686 --> 00:09:35,359 -No wonder she was round-shouldered -Exactly 145 00:09:35,446 --> 00:09:37,038 (TRUCK ENGINE RUMBLING) 146 00:09:37,126 --> 00:09:38,684 At bloody last 147 00:09:38,766 --> 00:09:41,326 About time, too, after five hours of waiting 148 00:09:41,446 --> 00:09:44,006 -That the man come to take your video back? -Yes 149 00:09:44,086 --> 00:09:48,079 -I'm off into town now I'll see you later Bye -Right Bye 150 00:09:49,046 --> 00:09:52,197 So how is she? 151 00:09:52,806 --> 00:09:56,276 Does she still have those lovely little dimples in her cheeks? 152 00:10:03,246 --> 00:10:05,123 Begging your pardon, sir 153 00:10:05,806 --> 00:10:08,639 You wouldn't have 50p to spare for a cup of tea at all? 154 00:10:17,406 --> 00:10:21,763 Here And next time you can try turning up a bit earlier 155 00:10:22,406 --> 00:10:23,725 Oh, I will, sir 156 00:10:24,886 --> 00:10:28,435 You're a credit to society What can I say? 157 00:10:28,886 --> 00:10:30,797 Many thanks indeed to you, sir 158 00:10:30,886 --> 00:10:32,080 Thank you 159 00:10:44,326 --> 00:10:46,442 (CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO) 160 00:10:49,086 --> 00:10:50,599 (DOOR SLAMMING) 161 00:10:51,206 --> 00:10:54,198 VICTOR: One minute One bloody minute! 162 00:10:54,686 --> 00:10:57,325 The whole lot of them should be shot at birth! 163 00:10:59,406 --> 00:11:00,885 I'm back! 164 00:11:01,806 --> 00:11:03,125 So I'd gathered 165 00:11:04,166 --> 00:11:07,841 I just missed the dry-cleaners by one minute 166 00:11:08,366 --> 00:11:13,281 Bloody girl just stood behind the closed sign pointing at me and laughing 167 00:11:15,126 --> 00:11:16,525 Bloody thing! 168 00:11:16,606 --> 00:11:19,564 Bang goes my outfit for tonight now 169 00:11:23,886 --> 00:11:27,003 Mr Swainey called round while you were out 170 00:11:27,766 --> 00:11:32,157 Did he mention anything about that suit he was talking about? 171 00:11:32,246 --> 00:11:36,558 He said he's left it on the settee for you in the front room 172 00:11:38,006 --> 00:11:39,405 Oh, right 173 00:11:46,246 --> 00:11:48,714 I don't believe it 174 00:11:50,286 --> 00:11:53,562 I do not believe it 175 00:11:54,646 --> 00:11:56,796 How in the name of 176 00:11:57,286 --> 00:12:01,404 He said it's quite new He's hardly ever worn it 177 00:12:02,806 --> 00:12:07,118 Oh, and he said you ought to ask that shop for a refund 178 00:12:07,206 --> 00:12:10,198 for not cleaning the other one properly 179 00:12:10,646 --> 00:12:12,159 Not cleaning it 180 00:12:12,726 --> 00:12:14,318 (GROANING) 181 00:12:14,406 --> 00:12:18,718 Why don't people ever listen? 182 00:12:39,206 --> 00:12:41,561 Are you nearly ready down there? 183 00:12:41,686 --> 00:12:43,563 It's 7:1 5 184 00:12:46,366 --> 00:12:48,516 They'll just have to do as they are 185 00:13:05,846 --> 00:13:08,155 Right, I think that's everything 186 00:13:09,806 --> 00:13:13,321 -Right, I'm off now Bye -Yes 187 00:13:13,886 --> 00:13:15,763 Have a good time 188 00:13:39,886 --> 00:13:41,399 (DOOR SLAMMING) 189 00:13:54,206 --> 00:13:56,003 Oh, you still awake? 190 00:13:57,366 --> 00:13:59,675 Sorry I'm a bit later than I said 191 00:14:00,046 --> 00:14:03,038 Very strange smell downstairs when I came in 192 00:14:03,166 --> 00:14:04,679 Wonder what that could be 193 00:14:04,766 --> 00:14:06,245 I wonder 194 00:14:14,126 --> 00:14:15,798 How did that get 195 00:14:16,846 --> 00:14:18,199 Well, let's see 196 00:14:18,806 --> 00:14:21,445 I could always get a job as a strip-o-gram 197 00:14:22,086 --> 00:14:25,396 Put that on, I wouldn't have to take anything off, would I? 198 00:14:26,526 --> 00:14:29,199 Looks like the shape of an iron 199 00:14:31,286 --> 00:14:36,565 ''Why don't you take it easy for a couple of weeks? Let me look after you for a change'' 200 00:14:37,086 --> 00:14:38,724 Take it easy! 201 00:14:38,806 --> 00:14:42,879 I'd get more peace of mind being nursed by the evil dead! 202 00:14:58,726 --> 00:15:00,079 How's it looking? 203 00:15:00,166 --> 00:15:04,239 Have it sorted for you in a few ticks, Mr Meldrew I think I've located the problem now 204 00:15:04,326 --> 00:15:06,442 Yes, well mind your nose in that shredder 205 00:15:06,526 --> 00:15:09,518 or I'll be up all night scraping it off the ceiling 206 00:15:16,966 --> 00:15:20,925 He's a sweet little thing, aren't you? A sweet little thing 207 00:15:21,006 --> 00:15:23,201 He's definitely got your eyes, Andrea 208 00:15:23,286 --> 00:15:27,199 Has he? No, we're all right It's just a pair of pearl earrings 209 00:15:27,486 --> 00:15:30,956 Come on, Donovan, give those back to Auntie Margaret 210 00:15:31,726 --> 00:15:34,877 They were my mother's I was just having a sort through 211 00:15:35,006 --> 00:15:39,443 About the only thing of any value she left, and I don't suppose I'll ever wear them 212 00:15:41,486 --> 00:15:44,478 I think it's about time you were going back into your box, too, isn't it, 213 00:15:44,566 --> 00:15:49,003 before that nasty old bogeyman comes and finds you rolling about on his bed 214 00:15:49,206 --> 00:15:53,085 MARGARET: And he's just like you, bald and grizzles a lot 215 00:16:09,926 --> 00:16:13,965 You say that your parents are separated now, then, Andrea? 216 00:16:14,046 --> 00:16:17,163 -Are they quite close still or -Fairly close 217 00:16:17,246 --> 00:16:18,884 Holloway and Pentonville 218 00:16:19,006 --> 00:16:22,078 I don't get to see them, not with this one to worry about 219 00:16:22,166 --> 00:16:23,884 and the bookshop to run 220 00:16:25,086 --> 00:16:27,520 You bought me my first book, Margaret 221 00:16:27,606 --> 00:16:30,245 Monica Dickens I've never forgotten that 222 00:16:30,326 --> 00:16:34,638 Taught me the alphabet, as well You remember? Long before I started school 223 00:16:35,446 --> 00:16:37,402 Sometimes I wonder where I'd be today if it wasn't 224 00:16:37,486 --> 00:16:38,839 (DONOVAN FUSSING) 225 00:16:38,926 --> 00:16:40,154 Oh, come on 226 00:16:40,246 --> 00:16:43,238 We don't want you wetting the bed at the wrong end 227 00:16:43,326 --> 00:16:46,284 Some of us aren't very well in this room 228 00:16:46,366 --> 00:16:49,039 I'll just pop you downstairs for a sec 229 00:16:49,646 --> 00:16:51,204 Right, there 230 00:16:53,846 --> 00:16:55,677 -Then I'll be off -Right 231 00:17:05,286 --> 00:17:09,438 Here we are, look We're going to leave you with Uncle Victor now 232 00:17:09,526 --> 00:17:11,278 So that'll be nice, won't it? 233 00:17:11,366 --> 00:17:12,640 (DONOVAN CRYING) 234 00:17:12,726 --> 00:17:15,081 Back in a sec, just going to say goodbye 235 00:17:15,166 --> 00:17:16,281 Right 236 00:17:19,926 --> 00:17:21,917 (VICTOR SHUSHING) 237 00:17:23,206 --> 00:17:24,434 (DONOVAN QUIETING) 238 00:17:25,726 --> 00:17:27,159 (DONOVAN CRYING) 239 00:17:29,766 --> 00:17:31,245 (DONOVAN QUIETING) 240 00:17:35,686 --> 00:17:37,517 God save us 241 00:17:51,966 --> 00:17:53,160 (DONOVAN CRYING) 242 00:17:53,286 --> 00:17:54,639 (DONOVAN QUIETING) 243 00:17:55,326 --> 00:17:56,600 (DONOVAN CRYING) 244 00:18:11,606 --> 00:18:15,758 I think we might be in business now, Mr Meldrew You got anything we can try down it? 245 00:18:15,846 --> 00:18:16,961 Hang on 246 00:18:17,046 --> 00:18:19,480 -MRS WARBOYS: Bye, Margaret -Bye 247 00:18:19,566 --> 00:18:21,045 See you tomorrow 248 00:18:24,606 --> 00:18:27,040 -Say when -Go 249 00:18:29,806 --> 00:18:32,525 -ANDREA: Bye -Oh, well done 250 00:18:32,646 --> 00:18:35,524 Seems to have made a difference, doesn't it? It was just a matter of 251 00:18:35,606 --> 00:18:38,245 Oh, God, no! 252 00:18:39,166 --> 00:18:40,963 What's the matter now, then? 253 00:18:41,046 --> 00:18:42,365 I think my back's gone 254 00:18:42,446 --> 00:18:45,279 I'm afraid it does this from time to time Damn thing 255 00:18:45,366 --> 00:18:48,278 Ten to one it's that archery practice set it off 256 00:18:48,486 --> 00:18:49,999 Oh, God! 257 00:18:50,606 --> 00:18:53,643 -I don't think I can't get up off the floor -What? 258 00:18:53,726 --> 00:18:56,399 Can't get off the floor? Well, let me give you a hand 259 00:18:56,486 --> 00:18:59,523 No, no, no, please, please It's no use 260 00:18:59,606 --> 00:19:00,959 I can't 261 00:19:01,486 --> 00:19:03,875 Oh, my God, what's happened? Is he dead? 262 00:19:05,326 --> 00:19:08,238 Unfortunately not If he was, we could move him 263 00:19:09,206 --> 00:19:10,605 His back's gone 264 00:19:12,006 --> 00:19:13,644 I'llI'll call an ambulance 265 00:19:13,726 --> 00:19:15,364 Oh, that'll be no use 266 00:19:15,446 --> 00:19:18,006 They can't do a thing for backs, hospitals 267 00:19:18,686 --> 00:19:20,802 I'll ring for an osteopath 268 00:19:20,886 --> 00:19:23,002 There's one my brother uses 269 00:19:23,766 --> 00:19:25,643 It's going to be all right 270 00:19:25,806 --> 00:19:29,685 A couple of sharp snaps and she'll soon have you walking again 271 00:19:30,206 --> 00:19:32,925 Only don't try and move anything 272 00:20:09,286 --> 00:20:12,358 You haven't seen those earrings about, have you? 273 00:20:13,086 --> 00:20:14,678 What earrings? 274 00:20:14,766 --> 00:20:17,564 You feeling a bit better now, are you, evidently? 275 00:20:17,646 --> 00:20:18,965 Yes 276 00:20:19,046 --> 00:20:20,684 Seem to be 277 00:20:20,766 --> 00:20:23,803 Funny, really It's since Andrea came 278 00:20:23,886 --> 00:20:25,604 Oh, it's such a tonic, 279 00:20:25,686 --> 00:20:28,758 seeing how she's grown up and matured and everything, 280 00:20:29,166 --> 00:20:32,203 from what she was in those days to what she is now 281 00:20:33,086 --> 00:20:35,441 It so easily could have gone the other way 282 00:20:35,526 --> 00:20:40,042 Oh, and that little kiddie of hers Couldn't you just eat him? 283 00:20:42,286 --> 00:20:44,277 Not on top of the kippers, no 284 00:20:46,366 --> 00:20:48,960 He was very taken with that garden gnome of ours 285 00:20:49,046 --> 00:20:51,844 It's the only thing I could use to get him to stop crying 286 00:20:51,926 --> 00:20:53,405 What? 287 00:20:53,486 --> 00:20:57,240 I put them on the tray inside some cotton wool 288 00:20:57,646 --> 00:21:00,240 You brought the thing down What did you do with them? 289 00:21:00,326 --> 00:21:01,520 Sorry? 290 00:21:02,806 --> 00:21:04,683 They're not in the pedal-bin 291 00:21:05,046 --> 00:21:09,085 I mean, what did you do with all the leftovers that were lying about on the 292 00:21:10,246 --> 00:21:13,636 Oh, God, no, Victor 293 00:21:13,726 --> 00:21:14,875 What? 294 00:21:15,286 --> 00:21:17,038 Not the waste-disposal 295 00:21:17,486 --> 00:21:18,601 Sorry? 296 00:21:19,486 --> 00:21:21,044 You didn't 297 00:21:21,126 --> 00:21:23,799 Not my mother's pearl earrings 298 00:21:24,646 --> 00:21:27,206 Um, I don't remember 299 00:21:27,846 --> 00:21:30,076 (SPLUTTERING) 300 00:21:33,486 --> 00:21:35,238 That's it 301 00:21:35,326 --> 00:21:38,124 Tomorrow morning, I'm going back to work 302 00:21:38,526 --> 00:21:42,724 I'm going back to work for a bloody rest! 303 00:21:45,886 --> 00:21:47,524 (DOOR SLAMS) 304 00:21:54,606 --> 00:21:57,564 Well, we all make mistakes from time to time 305 00:21:57,646 --> 00:21:58,965 Oh, yes! 306 00:21:59,686 --> 00:22:01,324 I certainly made one 307 00:22:01,406 --> 00:22:03,124 35 years ago 308 00:22:35,966 --> 00:22:37,604 (GROANING) 309 00:22:37,686 --> 00:22:39,836 Sorry, did I wake you? 310 00:22:41,206 --> 00:22:44,960 It's all right, Mr Meldrew I'm afraid I'm a bit of a light sleeper 311 00:22:45,526 --> 00:22:48,882 I'm sorry the osteopath couldn't get here till the morning, 312 00:22:49,326 --> 00:22:52,045 but she did say she'd try and get round first thing 313 00:22:52,126 --> 00:22:53,878 I hope so, Mr Meldrew 314 00:22:58,886 --> 00:23:00,205 VICTOR: Yes 315 00:23:01,846 --> 00:23:03,518 I hope so, too 316 00:23:22,846 --> 00:23:24,325 (DOORBELL RINGING) 317 00:23:24,406 --> 00:23:25,441 Ah! 318 00:23:25,526 --> 00:23:27,323 Oh, thank God 319 00:23:28,966 --> 00:23:33,323 WOMAN: Good morning I'm sorry to disturb you so early, but I understand you've 320 00:23:33,406 --> 00:23:35,362 VICTOR: Yes, that's fine Come on in 321 00:23:35,446 --> 00:23:39,837 Just through there It's all yours I'll leave you to it if you don't mind 322 00:23:39,966 --> 00:23:41,558 WOMAN: Are you sure? 323 00:23:41,646 --> 00:23:43,557 Thanks ever so much 324 00:23:46,806 --> 00:23:48,319 (EXCLAIMING) 325 00:23:57,526 --> 00:24:01,405 Umis it this one on the floor? 326 00:24:01,766 --> 00:24:03,119 VICTOR: Sorry? 327 00:24:03,206 --> 00:24:05,242 Is it the one on the floor? 328 00:24:05,446 --> 00:24:07,596 Of course the one on the floor! 329 00:24:07,806 --> 00:24:10,001 Who else is bloody well down there? 330 00:24:12,206 --> 00:24:14,003 Right, I'm off to the cleaner's now 331 00:24:14,086 --> 00:24:17,237 I'll just get the bus because it stops right outside the door 332 00:24:24,686 --> 00:24:28,156 You were right He's giving them away to anyone who asks 333 00:24:28,286 --> 00:24:31,483 He just pointed me towards it and he goes, ''It's all yours'' 334 00:24:31,566 --> 00:24:34,444 What did I tell you? He's barmy as the Pope's Catholic 335 00:24:34,526 --> 00:24:36,994 Come on, quick, before he changes his mind 336 00:24:39,166 --> 00:24:43,842 The car keys are just in the hall here if you want to take it 337 00:24:53,206 --> 00:24:54,719 (CAR STARTING) 338 00:25:01,046 --> 00:25:02,684 Victor! 339 00:25:14,406 --> 00:25:15,885 (DOOR SLAMMING) 340 00:25:16,486 --> 00:25:18,477 VICTOR: God Almighty 341 00:25:23,806 --> 00:25:26,957 Now, before you say anything, don't say anything 342 00:25:28,046 --> 00:25:31,800 I managed to get them both back eventually after a very long and unpleasant argument 343 00:25:31,886 --> 00:25:34,161 down at The Rat-Catcher's Rest 344 00:25:34,846 --> 00:25:38,361 Six bloody pints of Guinness apiece it cost me 345 00:25:39,086 --> 00:25:41,042 before they eventually saw reason 346 00:25:41,126 --> 00:25:45,085 So don't start up, all right, because I am not in the mood 347 00:25:50,846 --> 00:25:52,199 Thank you 348 00:25:53,446 --> 00:25:54,845 What was that for? 349 00:25:56,166 --> 00:25:58,316 I've just read it in the paper 350 00:25:58,406 --> 00:25:59,885 Read what in the 351 00:26:01,326 --> 00:26:03,442 Oh, I forgot that came today 352 00:26:06,166 --> 00:26:07,315 Sorry 353 00:26:07,806 --> 00:26:11,242 I thought perhaps you might never find out about it 354 00:26:11,726 --> 00:26:13,796 What does that say in there, then? 355 00:26:15,566 --> 00:26:22,404 Says, ''The police are still looking for the emotionally disturbed girl 356 00:26:23,126 --> 00:26:26,198 ''who escaped from a remand home last Wednesday'' 357 00:26:27,806 --> 00:26:30,559 That they think she's probably the same one 358 00:26:30,646 --> 00:26:35,242 who abducted a little baby boy from his parents' garden two days ago 359 00:26:38,966 --> 00:26:42,436 I rang that incident room number up yesterday afternoon, 360 00:26:44,086 --> 00:26:45,838 told them she'd been here 361 00:26:47,086 --> 00:26:50,078 Sorry, Margaret, I know how much she meant to you 362 00:26:50,166 --> 00:26:51,315 Yes 363 00:26:52,366 --> 00:26:53,560 Well 364 00:26:54,286 --> 00:26:56,481 It's not really her fault 365 00:26:56,566 --> 00:27:00,275 That's what happens when you don't get a decent start in life 366 00:27:02,606 --> 00:27:05,564 She took the pearl earrings as well, 367 00:27:05,646 --> 00:27:07,159 didn't she? 368 00:27:13,246 --> 00:27:15,521 And you would never have said a thing 369 00:27:16,926 --> 00:27:20,441 Well, I've taken the blame for every other disaster this week 370 00:27:21,926 --> 00:27:24,804 I didn't think one more would make any difference 371 00:27:26,446 --> 00:27:27,765 (DOORBELL RINGING) 372 00:27:31,766 --> 00:27:33,199 Hello 373 00:27:33,286 --> 00:27:34,639 It's Mr Meldrew, is it? 374 00:27:34,726 --> 00:27:39,163 Look, if someone's told you I'm giving away free video recorders, you're wasting your time 375 00:27:39,246 --> 00:27:42,044 Sorry, I'm Mrs Ashcroft 376 00:27:42,206 --> 00:27:44,515 It was our baby that was stolen the other day, 377 00:27:44,606 --> 00:27:48,724 and I gather it's thanks to your information the police managed to pick up that girl, 378 00:27:48,806 --> 00:27:50,319 just round the corner from here 379 00:27:50,406 --> 00:27:53,318 And we just wanted to pop by and say 380 00:27:53,406 --> 00:27:56,603 Well, words can't express it, can they? 381 00:27:56,686 --> 00:27:59,246 Now that we've got him back, it's just 382 00:27:59,446 --> 00:28:02,518 Thank you very, very much 383 00:28:02,646 --> 00:28:05,683 from me and my husband 384 00:28:22,526 --> 00:28:25,324 # They say I might as well face the truth 385 00:28:26,046 --> 00:28:28,924 # That I am just too long in the tooth 386 00:28:29,326 --> 00:28:32,398 # I've started to deteriorate 387 00:28:32,886 --> 00:28:35,923 #And now I've passed my own sell-by date 388 00:28:36,486 --> 00:28:39,239 # Oh, I am no spring chicken, it's true 389 00:28:39,606 --> 00:28:42,723 # I have to pop my teeth in to chew 390 00:28:43,486 --> 00:28:46,478 #And my old knees have started to knock 391 00:28:46,926 --> 00:28:49,838 # I've just got too many miles on the clock 392 00:28:50,206 --> 00:28:54,165 # So I'm a wrinkly, crinkly, set in my ways 393 00:28:54,406 --> 00:28:57,762 # It's true that my body has seen better days 394 00:28:57,886 --> 00:29:01,083 # But give me half a chance and I can still misbehave 395 00:29:01,726 --> 00:29:03,762 # One foot in the grave 396 00:29:04,966 --> 00:29:07,241 # One foot in the grave 397 00:29:08,686 --> 00:29:10,756 # One foot in the grave # 31052

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