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1
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- Hi.
2
00:00:03,795 --> 00:00:05,213
Hi.
3
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' Ah!
4
00:02:31,777 --> 00:02:33,153
- Ralph.
5
00:02:33,153 --> 00:02:34,988
This place is a mess.
6
00:02:34,988 --> 00:02:37,156
- Mom, I'm trying to practice.
7
00:02:37,157 --> 00:02:38,199
- Well honey could you do me a favor
8
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and lock up tonight?
9
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I got a date with a very nice man.
10
00:02:43,872 --> 00:02:45,415
- Who is it this time mom?
11
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- Well I'm not sure yet but I will know
12
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him when I see him.
13
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Oh.
14
00:02:52,506 --> 00:02:54,174
I always forget.
15
00:02:54,174 --> 00:02:55,550
- Mom, I've always meant to ask you,
16
00:02:55,550 --> 00:02:57,093
how do you put your makeup on?
17
00:02:57,094 --> 00:02:58,386
- Practice.
18
00:02:58,387 --> 00:03:00,430
- Ralphie, how do I look?
19
00:03:05,018 --> 00:03:06,436
- You look great, mom.
20
00:03:07,312 --> 00:03:10,273
- 00o, that's why I love my Ralphie.
21
00:03:12,859 --> 00:03:14,902
My boy, my boy, mama boy.
22
00:03:54,818 --> 00:03:55,777
- Hey Ralph-
23
00:03:58,280 --> 00:03:59,072
Ralphie.
24
00:04:00,741 --> 00:04:02,492
- What do you want?
25
00:04:02,492 --> 00:04:04,702
- Come here and talk to me.
26
00:04:08,540 --> 00:04:09,582
How's it hangin'?
27
00:04:09,583 --> 00:04:11,334
- Is that all you wanted?
28
00:04:11,334 --> 00:04:14,337
To ask me, "How's it hangin'?"
29
00:04:14,337 --> 00:04:17,006
- Come on Ralphie, I'm worried about you.
30
00:04:17,007 --> 00:04:20,051
A couple of hours it's
gonna be Friday the 13th.
31
00:04:20,051 --> 00:04:22,636
Let me guess, you have a headache, right?
32
00:04:22,637 --> 00:04:24,472
- Right, and a sore throat, too.
33
00:04:24,473 --> 00:04:25,640
- And you think you're
coming down with the flu
34
00:04:25,640 --> 00:04:27,516
or something really serious, right?
35
00:04:27,517 --> 00:04:29,685
- Right, I just can't go
through with this again.
36
00:04:29,686 --> 00:04:31,062
- Let me see your tongue.
37
00:04:31,062 --> 00:04:31,854
Come on.
38
00:04:36,151 --> 00:04:37,861
Nah, it doesn't look too bad.
39
00:04:37,861 --> 00:04:39,070
Is that a new retainer?
40
00:04:39,070 --> 00:04:40,446
- Yeah, it hurts like heck.
41
00:04:42,365 --> 00:04:43,240
- I'm sorry.
42
00:04:43,241 --> 00:04:45,451
I know, this legend thing is tough.
43
00:04:45,452 --> 00:04:48,079
Let's take a moment and reflect.
44
00:04:49,164 --> 00:04:50,081
Reflect!
45
00:04:50,081 --> 00:04:50,915
Get it?
46
00:04:51,124 --> 00:04:52,333
Mirror, reflect.
47
00:04:52,542 --> 00:04:54,627
God, I kill myself.
48
00:04:54,628 --> 00:04:57,213
- Reflect, real funny.
49
00:04:57,214 --> 00:04:59,883
Sometimes I really hate that guy.
50
00:04:59,883 --> 00:05:00,717
What am I saying?
51
00:05:00,717 --> 00:05:01,968
He's me.
52
00:05:01,968 --> 00:05:04,053
I guess that means I hate myself.
53
00:05:04,054 --> 00:05:06,181
Why am I confused?
54
00:05:16,983 --> 00:05:19,610
Vampires are so misunderstand.
55
00:05:19,611 --> 00:05:22,488
- Well you gotta admit, they
got a bloodthirsty reputation.
56
00:05:22,489 --> 00:05:24,282
- Do I look bloodthirsty?
57
00:05:24,282 --> 00:05:27,535
I can't stand the sight of
blood, I swear, I faint.
58
00:05:27,536 --> 00:05:28,703
- What about garlic?
59
00:05:28,703 --> 00:05:29,912
- I cook with it all the time.
60
00:05:29,913 --> 00:05:30,955
It's good for colds.
61
00:05:30,956 --> 00:05:31,790
Did you know that?
62
00:05:31,790 --> 00:05:33,666
- Let me see if I can get this straight.
63
00:05:33,667 --> 00:05:35,502
Around the middle of
the 16th century, you--
64
00:05:35,502 --> 00:05:36,753
- 17th, right?
65
00:05:36,753 --> 00:05:38,045
- Right.
66
00:05:38,046 --> 00:05:39,422
- Whenever.
67
00:05:39,422 --> 00:05:40,714
A long time ago.
68
00:05:41,967 --> 00:05:45,303
You met this girl, you fell in love.
69
00:05:45,303 --> 00:05:47,763
But there was a problem,
she had a boyfriend.
70
00:05:47,764 --> 00:05:48,598
- A pirate.
71
00:05:48,598 --> 00:05:49,432
- A pirate?
72
00:05:49,432 --> 00:05:50,349
- Pirate.
73
00:05:50,350 --> 00:05:51,225
- Whatever.
74
00:05:52,394 --> 00:05:54,270
Now, she loved you, right?
75
00:05:54,271 --> 00:05:55,939
So you were gonna slip off, get married,
76
00:05:55,939 --> 00:05:58,107
when old peg leg finds out, has a shit fit
77
00:05:58,108 --> 00:05:59,025
and comes after you.
78
00:05:59,025 --> 00:05:59,984
- Pissed as hell.
79
00:05:59,985 --> 00:06:03,113
- I just established his mental state.
80
00:06:04,865 --> 00:06:06,116
So there's a fight.
81
00:06:06,116 --> 00:06:08,034
Peg leg loses his sword
and what's her name
82
00:06:08,034 --> 00:06:10,369
gets killed by a blow to
the head with a ham bone?
83
00:06:10,370 --> 00:06:11,204
- Mona.
84
00:06:11,204 --> 00:06:12,246
Her name was Mona.
85
00:06:12,247 --> 00:06:13,122
- Whatever.
86
00:06:14,416 --> 00:06:16,167
You tried to save her,
but what could you do
87
00:06:16,167 --> 00:06:18,085
in the face of 20 pissed
off pirate friends
88
00:06:18,086 --> 00:06:20,004
of peg leg's, who were going to turn you
89
00:06:20,005 --> 00:06:21,798
into bat meat and so you beat it.
90
00:06:21,798 --> 00:06:24,217
- He escaped
by the skin of his teeth.
91
00:06:24,217 --> 00:06:25,801
- Right.
92
00:06:25,802 --> 00:06:27,094
And since she was killed before you could
93
00:06:27,095 --> 00:06:28,888
fulfill your preordained lot--
94
00:06:28,889 --> 00:06:31,808
- Before he could give
her that final, fatal kiss
95
00:06:31,808 --> 00:06:33,309
and turn her into a vampire.
96
00:06:33,310 --> 00:06:34,185
- Whatever.
97
00:06:35,353 --> 00:06:38,898
She is now reincarnated every 22 years
98
00:06:38,899 --> 00:06:40,734
until you two can get it right, right?
99
00:06:40,734 --> 00:06:41,568
- Right.
100
00:06:41,568 --> 00:06:43,027
- And so tomorrow you are gonna meet her
101
00:06:43,028 --> 00:06:45,155
as you've done every 22 years,
102
00:06:45,155 --> 00:06:46,364
you'll fall in love,
103
00:06:46,364 --> 00:06:47,907
and unless you save her,
104
00:06:47,908 --> 00:06:51,578
this crazed pirate with a
rhinestone peg leg will kill her.
105
00:06:51,578 --> 00:06:52,996
- On Halloween.
106
00:06:52,996 --> 00:06:54,539
- You got it.
107
00:06:54,539 --> 00:06:56,249
- What are you gonna do?
108
00:06:56,249 --> 00:06:57,792
- I'm gonna do what I
should have done years ago.
109
00:06:57,792 --> 00:06:59,126
I'm gonna lock myself in my room
110
00:06:59,127 --> 00:07:01,504
and avoid this whole thing.
111
00:07:01,504 --> 00:07:03,172
- Well, you're not gonna meet her?
112
00:07:03,173 --> 00:07:04,924
- You're not gonna fall in love?
113
00:07:04,925 --> 00:07:07,385
- She's better off without me.
114
00:07:12,849 --> 00:07:15,893
- Man, that dude's sure got the blues.
115
00:07:15,894 --> 00:07:16,686
Mm mm mm.
116
00:07:29,699 --> 00:07:31,200
- He just ran out in front of us.
117
00:07:31,201 --> 00:07:33,494
- Look he's moving.
118
00:07:33,495 --> 00:07:35,288
- Are you alright?
119
00:07:35,288 --> 00:07:36,706
- Oh god, Mona.
120
00:07:36,706 --> 00:07:38,290
- Why don't you watch where you're going?
121
00:07:38,291 --> 00:07:41,669
I could have, how did you know my name?
122
00:07:41,670 --> 00:07:42,921
- I don't know your name.
123
00:07:42,921 --> 00:07:43,755
You don't know my name.
124
00:07:43,755 --> 00:07:46,299
Just pretend this never happened, okay?
125
00:07:46,299 --> 00:07:48,134
- It never would have
happened if you hadn't
126
00:07:48,134 --> 00:07:50,177
jumped out in front of my car.
127
00:07:50,178 --> 00:07:52,471
I hope for your sake
my gear isn't crashed.
128
00:07:52,472 --> 00:07:54,515
- Just forget you ever saw
me, okay, 'cause the next
129
00:07:54,516 --> 00:07:56,434
thing you know, we're
gonna go out on a date
130
00:07:56,434 --> 00:08:00,020
and we're gonna fall in love
and then some crazy pirate's
131
00:08:00,021 --> 00:08:02,481
gonna peg with you a ham bone.
132
00:08:08,321 --> 00:08:09,655
- HEY-
133
00:08:09,656 --> 00:08:11,407
You forgot your hat.
134
00:08:11,408 --> 00:08:12,700
- What a weirdo.
135
00:08:19,708 --> 00:08:20,625
- What?
136
00:08:20,625 --> 00:08:22,376
- You ran away from her didn't you?
137
00:08:22,377 --> 00:08:24,087
- For your information,
I didn't just run away,
138
00:08:24,087 --> 00:08:25,171
I had a plan.
139
00:08:25,171 --> 00:08:26,005
- Really?
140
00:08:26,006 --> 00:08:26,840
And what was that?
141
00:08:26,840 --> 00:08:29,467
- I ran, I left, so she
doesn't get involved with me.
142
00:08:29,467 --> 00:08:31,552
She doesn't get involved with
me, we don't fall in love,
143
00:08:31,553 --> 00:08:32,887
she doesn't die, get it?
144
00:08:32,887 --> 00:08:35,055
- Make a left at MIT, Einstein.
145
00:08:35,056 --> 00:08:37,266
- It's about this, Mr. Wise Guy.
146
00:08:37,267 --> 00:08:39,102
This happens every 22 years so that means
147
00:08:39,102 --> 00:08:42,230
in the last 400 years, I
have met, fallen in love,
148
00:08:42,230 --> 00:08:44,941
and lost Mona 14.5 times.
149
00:08:44,941 --> 00:08:46,442
- Talk about coitus interuptus.
150
00:08:46,443 --> 00:08:47,777
- And every time it gets worse.
151
00:08:47,777 --> 00:08:49,862
This time, no way, forget it.
152
00:08:49,863 --> 00:08:51,447
- That's right.
153
00:08:51,448 --> 00:08:53,616
Forget it, just forget
the fact that we are
154
00:08:53,616 --> 00:08:56,327
the oldest living virgins
walking the planet.
155
00:08:56,327 --> 00:08:57,286
- What are you talking about?
156
00:08:57,287 --> 00:08:58,371
You are the biggest slut I know.
157
00:08:58,371 --> 00:09:00,289
Every time I see you
with a different girl.
158
00:09:00,290 --> 00:09:01,958
- They mean nothing to me, Ralph.
159
00:09:01,958 --> 00:09:02,875
It's Mona.
160
00:09:02,876 --> 00:09:04,294
I want you to get Mona.
161
00:09:04,294 --> 00:09:07,380
That means I get out of
this crazy mirror thing.
162
00:09:07,380 --> 00:09:09,840
It's like a prison in here, Ralph.
163
00:09:09,841 --> 00:09:11,259
Everything's backwards.
164
00:09:11,259 --> 00:09:12,301
- I knew it, I knew it.
165
00:09:12,302 --> 00:09:14,637
This is about you, this
is always about you.
166
00:09:14,637 --> 00:09:16,347
- Wrong, Ralphfalfa.
167
00:09:16,347 --> 00:09:17,890
It's about you.
168
00:09:17,891 --> 00:09:18,933
Because any way you look at it,
169
00:09:18,933 --> 00:09:21,602
she's got two weeks 'til
she bites the big one.
170
00:09:27,859 --> 00:09:29,694
- What's wrong?
171
00:09:29,694 --> 00:09:30,486
- Nothing.
172
00:09:32,072 --> 00:09:34,324
I was just thinking
about the accident and--
173
00:09:34,324 --> 00:09:35,908
- Did somebody say accident?
174
00:09:35,909 --> 00:09:36,868
- Yeah.
175
00:09:36,868 --> 00:09:38,411
We had an accident.
176
00:09:38,411 --> 00:09:40,287
- Just set it up over there.
177
00:09:40,288 --> 00:09:41,497
What kind of an accident?
178
00:09:41,498 --> 00:09:43,791
None of my equipment's damaged, I hope.
179
00:09:43,792 --> 00:09:45,710
You know, I got a hell
of a deal on this stuff.
180
00:09:45,710 --> 00:09:46,794
When you're working with a guy like me,
181
00:09:46,795 --> 00:09:48,421
that's what we're talking, deals.
182
00:09:48,421 --> 00:09:50,005
Let me just show you this little gizmo.
183
00:09:50,006 --> 00:09:51,465
This is the most amazing device.
184
00:09:51,466 --> 00:09:53,384
It samples anything from babies crying
185
00:09:53,384 --> 00:09:54,927
to dogs barking.
186
00:09:54,928 --> 00:09:56,471
Hey, what's the matter with this thing?
187
00:09:56,471 --> 00:09:57,930
It wasn't this that got broken, was it?
188
00:09:57,931 --> 00:09:58,848
- Broken?
189
00:09:58,848 --> 00:09:59,682
- In the accident.
190
00:09:59,682 --> 00:10:01,517
- Stanley, it's not broken.
191
00:10:01,518 --> 00:10:03,853
Besides, it was a car accident.
192
00:10:03,853 --> 00:10:05,396
We're trying to rehearse.
193
00:10:05,396 --> 00:10:06,814
- Car accident?
194
00:10:06,815 --> 00:10:08,483
Nobody killed I hope.
195
00:10:09,400 --> 00:10:10,359
Hit it boys.
196
00:10:24,707 --> 00:10:26,583
Howdy folks, Stan "The Man' Wilson here
197
00:10:26,584 --> 00:10:28,961
from Stanley's Deathpark
where we take the death
198
00:10:28,962 --> 00:10:29,879
out of dying.
199
00:10:29,879 --> 00:10:31,630
This Sunday marks our Heaven on Earth sale
200
00:10:31,631 --> 00:10:34,008
and let's face it folks,
it's a sale that some of you
201
00:10:34,008 --> 00:10:36,176
aren't going to miss.
202
00:10:36,177 --> 00:10:37,428
Take a look at this baby,
203
00:10:37,428 --> 00:10:39,346
the streamlined Death 2000,
204
00:10:39,347 --> 00:10:40,306
our top of the line.
205
00:10:40,306 --> 00:10:43,350
This week, yours for only $1995.
206
00:10:43,351 --> 00:10:45,311
A little steep, do I hear you say?
207
00:10:45,311 --> 00:10:46,812
Then how about going Dutch on our
208
00:10:46,813 --> 00:10:50,566
eternal economy model, only
$100 over factory invoice.
209
00:10:50,567 --> 00:10:51,401
How do we do it?
210
00:10:51,401 --> 00:10:53,611
Volume, volume, volume.
211
00:10:53,611 --> 00:10:55,738
So, bring the family, come on
down and while you're here,
212
00:10:55,738 --> 00:10:59,158
check out our revolutionary
cryogenic process.
213
00:10:59,159 --> 00:11:01,578
Open 12 to 12 for your
shopping convenience.
214
00:11:01,578 --> 00:11:02,537
See ya here.
215
00:11:24,642 --> 00:11:27,853
Listen, I directed it myself, you know?
216
00:11:27,854 --> 00:11:31,065
So, uh, what do you think, angel cakes?
217
00:11:33,526 --> 00:11:36,153
- I thought it was kind of cute.
218
00:12:23,910 --> 00:12:26,078
- Ralphie, is that you?
219
00:12:26,079 --> 00:12:28,081
- Drat.
220
00:12:28,081 --> 00:12:29,165
Hi, mom.
221
00:12:29,165 --> 00:12:30,207
- It's about time you got home.
222
00:12:30,208 --> 00:12:32,126
I was getting worried about you, honey.
223
00:12:32,126 --> 00:12:33,377
Could you give me a hand with this?
224
00:12:33,378 --> 00:12:34,837
- Sure.
225
00:12:39,509 --> 00:12:40,343
You been here long?
226
00:12:40,343 --> 00:12:41,344
- Oh, Heaven's no.
227
00:12:41,344 --> 00:12:44,597
I've been here, I mean,
we've been here, for hours.
228
00:12:44,597 --> 00:12:45,472
- Who's we?
229
00:12:46,391 --> 00:12:48,768
- I've almost located the Spanish galleon.
230
00:12:48,768 --> 00:12:49,685
It's close.
231
00:12:49,686 --> 00:12:50,895
I can feel it.
232
00:12:50,895 --> 00:12:52,187
- Great, Jacques Cousteau.
233
00:12:52,188 --> 00:12:55,524
- Just follow that trail
of deblooms, Big Al.
234
00:12:55,525 --> 00:12:56,609
Ah.
235
00:12:56,609 --> 00:12:58,694
Big Al, this is my brother, Ralph.
236
00:12:58,695 --> 00:13:01,072
- Big Al Johnson, scrap iron, St. Louis.
237
00:13:01,072 --> 00:13:03,074
- I'm Little Ralph Levee.
238
00:13:03,074 --> 00:13:04,366
- So what's your game Little Ralph?
239
00:13:04,367 --> 00:13:05,201
- Game?
240
00:13:05,201 --> 00:13:06,994
- Yeah, what do you do?
241
00:13:06,995 --> 00:13:08,329
- I'm a vampire.
242
00:13:23,219 --> 00:13:25,304
You make me sick.
243
00:13:25,305 --> 00:13:26,347
- What?
244
00:13:26,347 --> 00:13:27,848
I'm clean.
245
00:13:27,849 --> 00:13:30,476
This is, no, not now, no.
246
00:13:30,476 --> 00:13:33,103
1--
247
00:13:33,104 --> 00:13:35,314
- I'll deal with you later.
248
00:13:40,778 --> 00:13:43,655
I was just going to bed mom,
could you hit the light?
249
00:13:43,656 --> 00:13:44,782
- In a minute.
250
00:13:46,909 --> 00:13:48,076
So.
251
00:13:48,077 --> 00:13:49,286
Tell me about your night.
252
00:13:49,287 --> 00:13:50,955
- There's nothing to tell.
253
00:13:50,955 --> 00:13:53,916
- Come on, honey, I know what day it is.
254
00:13:53,916 --> 00:13:54,917
You met her, didn't you?
255
00:13:54,917 --> 00:13:55,751
- I didn't meet her.
256
00:13:55,752 --> 00:13:57,503
I told you, I've had it with
the legend ruining my life
257
00:13:57,503 --> 00:13:58,837
every 22 years.
258
00:13:58,838 --> 00:14:00,798
- Ralphie, where's your hat?
259
00:14:00,798 --> 00:14:02,466
- I must have lost it in the car acc--
260
00:14:02,467 --> 00:14:04,177
Card, card game.
261
00:14:04,177 --> 00:14:06,512
I lost it in a card game, mom.
262
00:14:06,512 --> 00:14:08,096
- Well, okay.
263
00:14:08,097 --> 00:14:09,098
It's your legacy.
264
00:14:09,098 --> 00:14:10,724
You can do anything you want with it.
265
00:14:10,725 --> 00:14:12,476
But whether you've met her or not,
266
00:14:12,477 --> 00:14:13,895
that poor girl is gonna die in two weeks
267
00:14:13,895 --> 00:14:16,606
unless you do something about it.
268
00:14:25,198 --> 00:14:26,407
Honey.
269
00:14:26,407 --> 00:14:27,366
Go to sleep.
270
00:16:11,512 --> 00:16:12,304
- HEY-
271
00:16:20,396 --> 00:16:21,188
' No!
272
00:16:39,707 --> 00:16:40,499
- HEY-
273
00:16:41,918 --> 00:16:43,336
- Is it true that you've
forsaken your legacy
274
00:16:43,336 --> 00:16:46,130
and the girl of your dreams?
275
00:16:46,130 --> 00:16:46,922
- What?
276
00:17:08,694 --> 00:17:09,486
No.
277
00:17:19,288 --> 00:17:21,707
- Ralph, what are you doing?
278
00:17:21,707 --> 00:17:23,083
Ralph, answer me.
279
00:17:24,043 --> 00:17:25,419
- I'm gonna find her.
280
00:17:25,419 --> 00:17:26,420
- And do what?
281
00:17:26,420 --> 00:17:27,254
- What do you think?
282
00:17:27,255 --> 00:17:28,089
I'm gonna save her.
283
00:17:28,089 --> 00:17:29,465
- Yeah, I've heard that song before.
284
00:17:29,465 --> 00:17:30,799
- No, no, it's different.
285
00:17:30,800 --> 00:17:32,218
I just have this feeling
that if I don't save her
286
00:17:32,218 --> 00:17:35,679
this time, I'm gonna lose her forever.
287
00:17:35,680 --> 00:17:36,681
You're no exactly playing
288
00:17:36,681 --> 00:17:38,557
major league ball now.
289
00:17:38,558 --> 00:17:39,392
What are you?
290
00:17:39,392 --> 00:17:40,226
Zero for fourteen.
291
00:17:40,226 --> 00:17:42,853
Oh excuse me, is it 15 now?
292
00:17:42,853 --> 00:17:44,980
- You're a total
dick you know that?
293
00:17:47,942 --> 00:17:49,360
- You're gonna go out in the sunlight?
294
00:17:49,360 --> 00:17:50,861
- I'm protected.
295
00:17:50,861 --> 00:17:51,903
- Brave man.
296
00:17:51,904 --> 00:17:54,031
How you gonna find her?
297
00:17:54,031 --> 00:17:54,865
- She's in a band.
298
00:17:54,865 --> 00:17:56,116
How hard could she be to find?
299
00:17:56,117 --> 00:17:58,869
- Ralph, there must be 15,000
bands in the tri-state area.
300
00:17:58,869 --> 00:18:00,287
That's a lot of ground.
301
00:18:00,288 --> 00:18:01,789
How are you gonna cover it?
302
00:18:01,789 --> 00:18:03,499
- I'm a vampire, I'll fly.
303
00:18:03,499 --> 00:18:04,791
- No, no, no!
304
00:18:04,792 --> 00:18:08,921
Ow! OW! ow, ow, ow.
305
00:18:17,054 --> 00:18:19,347
- I think I'll take the bus.
306
00:18:20,474 --> 00:18:21,683
- What a loser.
307
00:20:14,964 --> 00:20:16,674
Hey Ralphie, you wanna play some hoop?
308
00:20:21,387 --> 00:20:23,764
Have you seen a yellow
brick road around here?
309
00:20:23,764 --> 00:20:25,974
- Do you think I'm doing the right thing?
310
00:20:25,975 --> 00:20:27,393
- What do you mean?
311
00:20:27,393 --> 00:20:30,145
- I mean, maybe I wasn't
meant to find Mona.
312
00:20:30,146 --> 00:20:32,982
Maybe this is just some
sort of karmic debt
313
00:20:32,982 --> 00:20:33,899
I'm Paving off.
314
00:20:33,899 --> 00:20:36,484
Maybe my first instincts were right.
315
00:20:36,485 --> 00:20:39,529
Maybe I should just forget
about this whole thing
316
00:20:39,530 --> 00:20:41,365
and join a monastery.
317
00:20:41,365 --> 00:20:43,283
But, what about Mona?
318
00:20:43,284 --> 00:20:46,203
What sort of everlasting
hell am I damning her to?
319
00:20:46,203 --> 00:20:47,829
Mai/be, no, yeah, no.
320
00:20:48,831 --> 00:20:49,748
I should be strong.
321
00:20:49,749 --> 00:20:50,958
I'll be strong.
322
00:20:50,958 --> 00:20:51,792
- HEY-
323
00:20:51,792 --> 00:20:52,626
Would you make up your mind?
324
00:20:52,626 --> 00:20:55,670
I'm feeling like Sonny and Cher here.
325
00:20:59,341 --> 00:21:00,467
That's better.
326
00:21:01,385 --> 00:21:02,844
I wonder if, uh...
327
00:21:06,682 --> 00:21:08,892
Ralph, would you look at the size of this?
328
00:21:08,893 --> 00:21:12,271
- Oh Christ, would you
put that thing away?
329
00:21:12,271 --> 00:21:13,230
Listen.
330
00:21:13,230 --> 00:21:15,023
If you were meant to find Mona, you will.
331
00:21:15,024 --> 00:21:17,901
If you weren't you won't, so relax.
332
00:21:23,365 --> 00:21:24,657
See what I mean?
333
00:25:24,273 --> 00:25:25,274
- Oh my god,
334
00:25:25,274 --> 00:25:26,233
That's him.
335
00:25:26,233 --> 00:25:27,609
- That's who?
336
00:25:27,609 --> 00:25:28,443
Where?
337
00:25:28,444 --> 00:25:30,654
- Stay here.
338
00:25:41,206 --> 00:25:42,040
Who are you?
339
00:25:42,041 --> 00:25:43,500
- I'm Ralph.
340
00:25:43,500 --> 00:25:44,501
I like your music.
341
00:25:44,501 --> 00:25:46,961
It's kind of wild, kind of now, kind of--
342
00:25:46,962 --> 00:25:48,505
- Why are you following me?
343
00:25:48,505 --> 00:25:49,756
- I'm not following you.
344
00:25:49,757 --> 00:25:51,216
- Yes you are.
345
00:25:51,216 --> 00:25:53,051
- Okay, I'm following you.
346
00:25:53,052 --> 00:25:55,429
I'm a big fan of yours from way back.
347
00:25:55,429 --> 00:25:56,638
- Who are you?
348
00:25:56,638 --> 00:25:57,764
- I told you, I'm Ralph--
349
00:25:57,765 --> 00:25:59,683
- No, I mean, what do you do?
350
00:25:59,683 --> 00:26:01,101
Are you a musician?
351
00:26:01,101 --> 00:26:02,102
- YES.
352
00:26:02,102 --> 00:26:03,394
- Do you have a band?
353
00:26:03,395 --> 00:26:04,646
0" do YOU play by yourself?
354
00:26:04,646 --> 00:26:05,938
- Um, yes.
355
00:26:05,939 --> 00:26:07,565
- Yes, what?
356
00:26:07,566 --> 00:26:09,401
- Yes, I have a band.
357
00:26:09,401 --> 00:26:10,693
- What's the name?
358
00:26:10,694 --> 00:26:11,611
- The name.
359
00:26:11,612 --> 00:26:13,238
- Of the band.
360
00:26:13,238 --> 00:26:14,113
- Um.
361
00:26:14,114 --> 00:26:16,074
We haven't decided yet.
362
00:26:16,075 --> 00:26:19,036
- Oh, um, well what kind of music?
363
00:26:19,036 --> 00:26:23,536
- Well the music, we're
not sure yet what it is.
364
00:26:23,707 --> 00:26:25,083
- Well,
365
00:26:25,084 --> 00:26:26,960
do YOU play around?
366
00:26:29,421 --> 00:26:30,713
- Excuse me?
367
00:26:30,714 --> 00:26:33,508
- Your band, are you
playing any gigs anywhere?
368
00:26:33,509 --> 00:26:36,637
-- Gigs, yes, all the time,
lt's amazing, yeah, yeah.
369
00:26:36,637 --> 00:26:38,347
- You are very strange, Ralph.
370
00:26:39,181 --> 00:26:40,932
- Mona, darling, I've got
some terribly important people
371
00:26:40,933 --> 00:26:42,142
just dying to meet you.
372
00:26:42,142 --> 00:26:43,393
Will you excuse us?
373
00:26:43,393 --> 00:26:44,227
- Yeah.
374
00:26:44,228 --> 00:26:46,647
- Um, it was so nice to see you again.
375
00:26:46,647 --> 00:26:48,690
Maybe I'll come see your band sometime.
376
00:26:48,690 --> 00:26:49,482
- Maybe.
377
00:26:51,318 --> 00:26:52,944
- Who is that twerp?
378
00:26:54,404 --> 00:26:56,614
- Hey hey little man.
379
00:26:56,615 --> 00:26:57,741
Can I help ya?
380
00:26:58,784 --> 00:26:59,951
- No, I'm enjoying this party--
381
00:26:59,952 --> 00:27:01,119
- Hey, what's this?
382
00:27:01,120 --> 00:27:01,995
Ouch!
383
00:27:01,995 --> 00:27:03,496
- Bounce him.
384
00:27:15,175 --> 00:27:17,594
- Now let me get this straight.
385
00:27:17,594 --> 00:27:19,637
You decided to find her.
386
00:27:19,638 --> 00:27:20,847
- And once you found her?
387
00:27:20,848 --> 00:27:24,059
- I turned into a blithering idiot.
388
00:27:30,691 --> 00:27:34,986
There was a moment there,
when she was onstage,
389
00:27:34,987 --> 00:27:36,613
and our eyes locked,
390
00:27:38,740 --> 00:27:42,034
it was like time stood still, you know?
391
00:27:42,953 --> 00:27:43,787
What is wrong with me?
392
00:27:43,787 --> 00:27:46,790
I am a musician, and a
pretty darn good one at that.
393
00:27:46,790 --> 00:27:48,708
- So, what happened?
394
00:27:53,672 --> 00:27:55,757
- Let's face it, I don't
have what it takes.
395
00:27:55,757 --> 00:27:58,468
How can I save her if I
can't even talk to her?
396
00:27:58,468 --> 00:28:00,845
"Maybe I'll see your
band sometime" she says.
397
00:28:00,846 --> 00:28:02,597
What a joke.
398
00:28:05,767 --> 00:28:06,601
- Why don't you--
399
00:28:06,602 --> 00:28:07,436
- Why don't you--
400
00:28:07,436 --> 00:28:11,606
Start my own band.
401
00:28:46,433 --> 00:28:47,350
- You're doing what?
402
00:28:47,351 --> 00:28:49,019
Starting a rock band?
403
00:28:49,019 --> 00:28:51,646
A vampire in a rock band.
404
00:28:51,647 --> 00:28:52,981
What are you going to call it?
405
00:28:52,981 --> 00:28:53,773
Rockula?
406
00:28:54,983 --> 00:28:56,067
- Rockula?
407
00:28:56,068 --> 00:28:56,860
- Rockula.
408
00:29:24,846 --> 00:29:26,347
- Like, um,
409
00:29:26,348 --> 00:29:28,433
'cause just like my psychic says,
410
00:29:28,433 --> 00:29:31,352
death, right, is just a
stepping stone to rebirth.
411
00:29:31,353 --> 00:29:33,563
I mean, I think it was
Nietzsche that said I'm just
412
00:29:33,563 --> 00:29:35,982
"Living to die and dying to live."
413
00:29:35,983 --> 00:29:36,817
- Nietzsche said that?
414
00:29:36,817 --> 00:29:38,443
- Yeah, you know, Johnny Nietzsche,
415
00:29:38,443 --> 00:29:42,113
in that band, uh, Marvin
Gandhi and the Monkeyshines.
416
00:29:42,114 --> 00:29:43,073
New age reggae.
417
00:29:43,073 --> 00:29:44,616
- You're such a dork, Stanley.
418
00:29:44,616 --> 00:29:46,242
- You take that back.
419
00:29:46,243 --> 00:29:47,285
- Okay -.
420
00:29:47,286 --> 00:29:49,037
You're an egotistical,
pseudo-intellectual,
421
00:29:49,037 --> 00:29:50,663
money grubbing slut.
422
00:29:53,250 --> 00:29:54,459
- I'll buy that.
423
00:29:54,459 --> 00:29:56,085
- Hey!
424
00:29:56,086 --> 00:29:57,378
Thank you!
425
00:30:00,507 --> 00:30:04,302
I'm Ted Brady, this is Club
Hell, thanks for coming, kids.
426
00:30:08,598 --> 00:30:12,018
You kids, you kids, are rock 'n roll,
427
00:30:12,019 --> 00:30:14,062
you are the rock 'n roll,
428
00:30:15,480 --> 00:30:17,398
and this kid is Rockula.
429
00:32:12,556 --> 00:32:16,142
- Some chow mein and a bowl
of steamed rice, please.
430
00:32:16,143 --> 00:32:16,935
Thank you.
431
00:33:26,922 --> 00:33:28,131
- Where's Mona?
432
00:33:35,388 --> 00:33:37,890
- Rockula, that sounds
of yours is just great.
433
00:33:37,891 --> 00:33:39,726
- I saw you rock, man, I
want my sick gloves back.
434
00:33:39,726 --> 00:33:40,643
- Killer lesson.
435
00:33:40,644 --> 00:33:42,103
- Totally styling.
436
00:33:46,107 --> 00:33:48,317
- Hey dude, move your gear.
437
00:33:59,746 --> 00:34:00,830
- I'm still trying to figure out
438
00:34:00,830 --> 00:34:02,122
where I know you from.
439
00:34:02,123 --> 00:34:04,041
You seem so familiar to me.
440
00:34:04,042 --> 00:34:05,543
Maybe it was a past life.
441
00:34:05,544 --> 00:34:06,378
- What?
442
00:34:06,378 --> 00:34:07,796
- Relax, that was just a joke.
443
00:34:07,796 --> 00:34:10,590
- Listen, do
you believe in vampires?
444
00:34:10,590 --> 00:34:13,301
- That's very funny, Ralph.
445
00:34:19,808 --> 00:34:20,600
Well.
446
00:34:23,520 --> 00:34:24,812
Well this is it.
447
00:34:28,275 --> 00:34:30,735
Thank you for walking me home.
448
00:34:34,197 --> 00:34:36,949
- Would you like to see me again?
449
00:34:36,950 --> 00:34:37,742
- YES.
450
00:34:39,035 --> 00:34:39,869
Tomorrow?
451
00:34:39,869 --> 00:34:41,078
- Qkay.
- Qkay.
452
00:34:44,416 --> 00:34:45,291
Good night.
453
00:35:05,353 --> 00:35:08,064
- Where is that
guy when you need him?
454
00:35:08,064 --> 00:35:09,440
- Hey Mr. Rockstar.
455
00:35:09,441 --> 00:35:10,567
- Where have you been?
456
00:35:10,567 --> 00:35:14,696
- Well you're not the only
one that can start a band.
457
00:35:22,370 --> 00:35:23,496
SQ?
458
00:35:23,496 --> 00:35:25,039
- So, what?
459
00:35:25,040 --> 00:35:26,624
- So what's she like?
460
00:35:26,625 --> 00:35:27,709
- Oh.
461
00:35:27,709 --> 00:35:29,252
She's great.
462
00:35:29,252 --> 00:35:30,795
It was really worth the wait this time.
463
00:35:30,795 --> 00:35:32,379
- Groovy.
464
00:35:32,380 --> 00:35:33,214
So did you get anY?
465
00:35:33,214 --> 00:35:34,048
- Any what?
466
00:35:34,049 --> 00:35:36,259
- You know, muff, nookie, poontang.
467
00:35:36,259 --> 00:35:38,511
- You are so crass, is that
all you ever think about?
468
00:35:38,511 --> 00:35:40,638
- Listen Ralph, I don't
have a love life of my own
469
00:35:40,639 --> 00:35:43,016
so I wanna share in yours.
470
00:35:43,016 --> 00:35:45,768
Now, start from the
beginning and be graphic.
471
00:35:45,769 --> 00:35:47,228
- Forget it.
472
00:35:47,228 --> 00:35:50,105
- You didn't score, did you?
473
00:35:56,655 --> 00:35:57,864
- Knock it off!
474
00:36:01,284 --> 00:36:02,785
She did kiss me, though.
475
00:36:02,786 --> 00:36:03,828
- Really?
476
00:36:03,828 --> 00:36:04,787
Was it?
477
00:36:04,788 --> 00:36:06,080
- Unbelievable.
478
00:36:06,081 --> 00:36:07,123
- Slip her the tongue?
479
00:36:07,123 --> 00:36:08,124
- It was on the cheek.
480
00:36:08,124 --> 00:36:09,083
- Loser!
481
00:36:09,084 --> 00:36:10,460
- You never stop.
482
00:36:12,420 --> 00:36:13,546
Bye mom, I'll see you later.
483
00:36:13,546 --> 00:36:16,382
- Well don't you look cute
and where are you going?
484
00:36:16,383 --> 00:36:17,217
- Out.
485
00:36:17,217 --> 00:36:18,051
- With who?
486
00:36:18,051 --> 00:36:18,885
- Friends.
487
00:36:18,885 --> 00:36:19,927
- And when will you back?
488
00:36:19,928 --> 00:36:20,762
- Later.
489
00:36:20,762 --> 00:36:22,054
- You met her, didn't you?
490
00:36:22,055 --> 00:36:23,056
- Duh, mom.
491
00:36:23,056 --> 00:36:25,183
- Oh, honey, I'm so happy.
492
00:36:26,434 --> 00:36:27,518
- You're crushing my suit.
493
00:36:27,519 --> 00:36:29,771
- Oh, we're gonna have to
have her over for dinner.
494
00:36:29,771 --> 00:36:31,522
- I'd rather not do that right now, mom.
495
00:36:31,523 --> 00:36:34,484
- Oh, you're ashamed of your mother!
496
00:36:35,443 --> 00:36:36,777
That's it, isn't it?
- No, that's not.
497
00:36:36,778 --> 00:36:37,612
That's not it.
498
00:36:37,612 --> 00:36:39,155
It's that she's gonna be in of a big shock
499
00:36:39,155 --> 00:36:41,115
when I tell her and I
wanna break it to her easy,
500
00:36:41,116 --> 00:36:42,158
by myself.
501
00:36:42,158 --> 00:36:44,034
I'm not ashamed of you, mom.
502
00:36:44,035 --> 00:36:45,453
I love you.
503
00:36:45,453 --> 00:36:46,537
- Oh.
504
00:36:46,538 --> 00:36:48,206
I must look a mess.
505
00:36:48,206 --> 00:36:50,416
Oh, I'm sorry, honey,
of course you're right.
506
00:36:50,417 --> 00:36:52,710
But promise me you won't elope.
507
00:36:52,711 --> 00:36:55,130
Because I want a big wedding.
508
00:36:55,130 --> 00:36:55,964
- Of course.
509
00:36:55,964 --> 00:36:56,756
And you're not a mess.
510
00:36:56,756 --> 00:36:59,383
You look better than most
women a 10th your age.
511
00:36:59,384 --> 00:37:00,343
- I know.
512
00:37:00,343 --> 00:37:01,552
You're a dear.
513
00:37:01,553 --> 00:37:04,722
I honestly don't know what
I'd do without my boy.
514
00:37:04,723 --> 00:37:05,974
Now what are you standing there for?
515
00:37:05,974 --> 00:37:08,142
Now you go off and you have a good time.
516
00:37:08,143 --> 00:37:10,603
And you give Mona a big
kiss from mommy.
517
00:37:10,603 --> 00:37:11,562
- O kaY/ bye'
518
00:37:11,563 --> 00:37:12,355
- Oh.
519
00:37:26,578 --> 00:37:28,621
- But what struck me
the most were his eyes.
520
00:37:28,621 --> 00:37:30,748
I mean, they almost seemed
haunted, didn't they?
521
00:37:30,749 --> 00:37:32,333
- You wanna know what happened that day?
522
00:37:32,333 --> 00:37:34,376
Egon was married to this
girl, Mary or Maddie,
523
00:37:34,377 --> 00:37:35,795
I can't believe I forgot her name.
524
00:37:35,795 --> 00:37:36,670
anyway-
525
00:37:36,671 --> 00:37:38,005
He had this girl posing for him.
526
00:37:38,006 --> 00:37:40,049
She was 16, she was
gorgeous, she was beautiful.
527
00:37:40,049 --> 00:37:41,467
They started shacking up.
528
00:37:41,468 --> 00:37:43,386
And the day that Mary found out,
529
00:37:43,386 --> 00:37:45,596
she walked in on them
and was gonna tell Egon
530
00:37:45,597 --> 00:37:47,265
that she was pregnant.
531
00:37:47,265 --> 00:37:48,432
- Well did she leave him?
532
00:37:48,433 --> 00:37:52,353
- No, god, she was like
this glutton for punishment.
533
00:37:52,353 --> 00:37:53,395
- Ralph.
534
00:37:53,396 --> 00:37:55,940
How do you know about all this?
535
00:37:55,940 --> 00:37:58,192
- I don't know, why?
536
00:37:58,193 --> 00:38:00,278
- You were talking about
it as, I don't know,
537
00:38:00,278 --> 00:38:01,779
almost as if you had
been there or something.
538
00:38:01,780 --> 00:38:03,656
- That was like over 100 years ago.
539
00:38:03,656 --> 00:38:06,950
I couldn't have been, I read
it, in art class, that's it.
540
00:38:06,951 --> 00:38:08,410
- Oh.
541
00:38:08,411 --> 00:38:09,662
You're a good story teller Ralph.
542
00:38:09,662 --> 00:38:13,040
- Yeah, I got a couple of doozies for ya.
543
00:38:19,881 --> 00:38:21,591
- I see a girl.
544
00:38:21,591 --> 00:38:24,260
Her name is, uh, Mona?
545
00:38:24,260 --> 00:38:25,803
- Yeah, right, right, my girlfriend.
546
00:38:25,804 --> 00:38:27,597
I mean my ex-girlfriend.
547
00:38:27,597 --> 00:38:28,681
- Oh.
548
00:38:28,681 --> 00:38:30,391
I see her with another man.
549
00:38:30,391 --> 00:38:31,517
- That little twerp.
550
00:38:32,352 --> 00:38:33,728
- You should not call
people names, Stanley.
551
00:38:33,728 --> 00:38:35,146
- Yeah, right, sorry.
552
00:38:35,146 --> 00:38:37,606
- She thinks she loves him, but she really
553
00:38:37,607 --> 00:38:39,358
loves you, Stanley.
554
00:38:39,359 --> 00:38:40,193
- Really?
555
00:38:40,193 --> 00:38:41,027
- YES.
556
00:38:41,027 --> 00:38:43,446
But she is under his spell.
557
00:38:43,446 --> 00:38:44,280
' Spell?
558
00:38:44,280 --> 00:38:47,783
- Spell, Stanley, for
this is no ordinary man.
559
00:38:47,784 --> 00:38:49,619
He is a vampire.
560
00:38:49,619 --> 00:38:50,453
- A vampire?
561
00:38:51,287 --> 00:38:52,288
- A vampire, Stanley.
562
00:38:52,288 --> 00:38:54,331
Yours is no ordinary destiny.
563
00:38:54,332 --> 00:38:55,249
- I knew it.
564
00:38:55,250 --> 00:38:56,709
- Don't interrupt.
565
00:38:56,709 --> 00:38:59,461
It is your destiny to save Mona.
566
00:38:59,462 --> 00:39:02,131
- Yes, but, how can I do it?
567
00:39:02,131 --> 00:39:04,341
- Stanley, your business is death,
568
00:39:04,342 --> 00:39:07,386
your life is death, your destiny is death.
569
00:39:07,387 --> 00:39:09,722
You must kill her, Stanley.
570
00:39:09,722 --> 00:39:10,723
' Yes?
571
00:39:10,723 --> 00:39:11,765
- YES.
572
00:39:11,766 --> 00:39:14,101
And then she will be all yours.
573
00:39:14,102 --> 00:39:16,145
- I could mount and stuff her.
574
00:39:16,145 --> 00:39:18,897
- She will be your sleeping princess.
575
00:39:18,898 --> 00:39:19,732
- YES.
576
00:39:19,732 --> 00:39:21,483
Yes, I see it.
577
00:39:21,484 --> 00:39:23,569
I could freeze her, cryogenically.
578
00:39:23,570 --> 00:39:24,404
- Oh.
579
00:39:24,404 --> 00:39:25,738
I suppose it would work.
580
00:39:25,738 --> 00:39:27,406
- She'll be mine.
581
00:39:27,407 --> 00:39:29,409
All mine forever.
582
00:39:29,409 --> 00:39:30,785
When do I do it?
583
00:39:30,785 --> 00:39:33,078
- It must be down on Halloween.
584
00:39:33,079 --> 00:39:33,913
- Right.
585
00:39:33,913 --> 00:39:35,456
- But there is one catch, though.
586
00:39:35,456 --> 00:39:37,374
You must dress as a pirate.
587
00:39:37,375 --> 00:39:38,209
- A pirate?
588
00:39:38,209 --> 00:39:39,418
- A pirate.
589
00:39:39,419 --> 00:39:41,129
With a rhinestone peg leg.
590
00:39:41,129 --> 00:39:42,713
- A rhinestone peg leg?
591
00:39:43,923 --> 00:39:45,591
A rhinestone peg leg.
592
00:39:45,592 --> 00:39:48,928
- And you must dispatch
her with a ham bone.
593
00:39:48,928 --> 00:39:50,262
- Ambone?
594
00:39:50,263 --> 00:39:52,640
Okay, okay, okay, a ham bone.
595
00:39:58,563 --> 00:40:01,524
- Yo, Yo, Yo, yo, Hans,
what's up, what's up?
596
00:40:01,524 --> 00:40:02,942
Oh not much, you know,
I've just been hangin'
597
00:40:02,942 --> 00:40:04,652
with Yolanda and Dee.
598
00:40:05,695 --> 00:40:06,487
Kick it!
599
00:42:35,928 --> 00:42:37,304
- You were great.
600
00:42:38,264 --> 00:42:39,515
- Ralphie?
601
00:42:39,515 --> 00:42:41,225
Oh, there's my boy.
602
00:42:41,225 --> 00:42:42,309
- Mom, what are you doing here?
603
00:42:42,310 --> 00:42:44,478
- Oh, Ralph, I am so proud of you.
604
00:42:44,479 --> 00:42:46,272
Your little band was fantastic.
605
00:42:46,272 --> 00:42:47,356
- Mom.
606
00:42:47,356 --> 00:42:48,690
- And you must be Mona.
607
00:42:48,691 --> 00:42:49,525
Oh.
608
00:42:49,525 --> 00:42:51,443
Look how pretty you are this time.
609
00:42:51,444 --> 00:42:52,403
- Yes, yes, she is.
610
00:42:52,403 --> 00:42:53,779
Uh, Mona, this is my mother.
611
00:42:53,780 --> 00:42:54,614
- Hi.
612
00:42:54,614 --> 00:42:55,906
It is so nice to meet you.
613
00:42:55,907 --> 00:42:56,866
- Meet me?
614
00:42:56,866 --> 00:42:58,826
No, no, dear, the pleasure's all mine.
615
00:42:58,826 --> 00:43:00,202
Oh, just me look at you.
616
00:43:00,203 --> 00:43:02,747
Oh, it's so nice to see the
two of you together again.
617
00:43:02,747 --> 00:43:03,664
- Excuse me?
618
00:43:03,664 --> 00:43:04,790
- Uh yeah, well we have to be going.
619
00:43:04,791 --> 00:43:05,625
- Oh well I won't keep you,
620
00:43:05,625 --> 00:43:07,168
but we must have Mona over for dinner.
621
00:43:07,168 --> 00:43:08,002
- Mom.
622
00:43:08,002 --> 00:43:09,003
- I would love to.
623
00:43:09,003 --> 00:43:09,837
- Mona.
624
00:43:09,837 --> 00:43:10,671
- Thursday night?
625
00:43:10,671 --> 00:43:12,839
- Can't Thursday night,
Mona's video is premiering.
626
00:43:12,840 --> 00:43:14,466
- Well we could go after.
627
00:43:14,467 --> 00:43:15,301
- After?
628
00:43:15,301 --> 00:43:16,385
- Thursday night it is then.
629
00:43:16,385 --> 00:43:17,469
- I can't believe this.
630
00:43:17,470 --> 00:43:18,304
- Well I have to run now.
631
00:43:18,304 --> 00:43:20,264
I have a meeting with my ladies' social.
632
00:43:20,264 --> 00:43:21,890
It's pistol range night
and I'm really getting
633
00:43:21,891 --> 00:43:23,642
much better at this.
634
00:43:23,643 --> 00:43:26,312
Practice, practice, practice.
635
00:43:28,648 --> 00:43:31,692
- Doesn't anybody go bowling anymore?
636
00:44:05,226 --> 00:44:06,018
Oh!
637
00:44:07,103 --> 00:44:09,313
It's raining cats and dogs!
638
00:44:10,189 --> 00:44:14,318
I just stepped in a poodle!
639
00:44:32,753 --> 00:44:35,797
- I feel like I've known you forever.
640
00:44:59,572 --> 00:45:01,949
I think the rain is stopping.
641
00:49:12,992 --> 00:49:14,451
Wow.
642
00:49:14,452 --> 00:49:15,578
What was that?
643
00:49:24,712 --> 00:49:28,674
- I don't know, but it
was definitely beautiful.
644
00:50:00,372 --> 00:50:01,581
- That
was Mona and the premiere
645
00:50:01,582 --> 00:50:04,585
of By My Side here on Slack TV.
646
00:50:04,585 --> 00:50:05,877
Coming up...
- You were wonderful.
647
00:50:05,878 --> 00:50:06,837
- Thank you honey.
648
00:50:06,837 --> 00:50:08,046
- Both of you.
649
00:50:08,047 --> 00:50:09,673
- Well the kids were Mona's idea.
650
00:50:09,673 --> 00:50:12,008
- Don't be so modest, Ralph.
651
00:50:12,009 --> 00:50:14,511
- Listen, Mona, about dinner
with my mother tonight.
652
00:50:14,512 --> 00:50:15,971
I don't think it's a very good idea.
653
00:50:15,971 --> 00:50:16,805
- Why not?
654
00:50:16,805 --> 00:50:17,639
- In fact, I think it's time
I start my own record label,
655
00:50:17,640 --> 00:50:20,559
you know, Morgue Music
or maybe Death Records.
656
00:50:20,559 --> 00:50:24,604
Or just RIP, it's sort of
catchy, don't you think?
657
00:50:24,605 --> 00:50:26,398
Mona, just terrific.
658
00:50:26,398 --> 00:50:28,525
Congratulations, the both of you.
659
00:50:28,526 --> 00:50:29,360
- Thank you.
660
00:50:29,360 --> 00:50:32,780
Um, Stanley, why are you
wearing garlic around your neck?
661
00:50:32,780 --> 00:50:33,614
- Oh.
662
00:50:33,614 --> 00:50:37,200
This is in honor of Ralph
here, I should I say Rockula?
663
00:50:37,201 --> 00:50:39,953
It's pretty pungent,
wouldn't you say, Ralphie?
664
00:50:39,954 --> 00:50:41,789
- Smells great, I love garlic.
665
00:50:41,789 --> 00:50:44,333
- Yes, you might say
I have a stake in what
666
00:50:44,333 --> 00:50:45,167
happens to you.
667
00:50:45,167 --> 00:50:46,960
I mean, I think Rockula's gonna take off
668
00:50:46,961 --> 00:50:48,712
like a bat out of hell.
669
00:50:48,712 --> 00:50:50,463
The world is full of bloodsuckers
670
00:50:50,464 --> 00:50:53,258
and I would hate for
anything to happen to you.
671
00:50:53,259 --> 00:50:57,012
Have you ever seen one of these before?
672
00:50:57,012 --> 00:50:57,804
- YES.
673
00:51:01,141 --> 00:51:03,143
18th Century, right?
674
00:51:03,143 --> 00:51:04,519
- 19th, actually.
675
00:51:05,396 --> 00:51:07,398
- Excuse me, I'm gonna use your bathroom.
676
00:51:07,398 --> 00:51:08,357
- Okay sure.
677
00:51:10,651 --> 00:51:15,151
- There's things about this
guy that you don't understand.
678
00:51:15,573 --> 00:51:19,785
- Stanley, I think that you
are under a lot of stress.
679
00:51:19,785 --> 00:51:21,703
- He knows, the jig's up.
680
00:51:21,704 --> 00:51:22,538
- Who knows?
681
00:51:22,538 --> 00:51:23,372
What jig?
682
00:51:23,372 --> 00:51:25,290
- Stanley, somehow
he knows that I'm a...
683
00:51:25,291 --> 00:51:26,458
- You're a vampire?
684
00:51:26,458 --> 00:51:27,292
- YES.
685
00:51:27,293 --> 00:51:28,127
- So why don't you get rid of him
686
00:51:28,127 --> 00:51:29,294
in the time honored tradition?
687
00:51:29,295 --> 00:51:30,170
- What the hell is that?
688
00:51:30,170 --> 00:51:31,129
- Bite him, man.
689
00:51:31,130 --> 00:51:33,966
Bite him, and watch him die
a slow, agonizing death.
690
00:51:33,966 --> 00:51:35,634
Come on, it's the way
vampires always get rid
691
00:51:35,634 --> 00:51:37,844
of those Van Helsing types.
692
00:51:37,845 --> 00:51:38,679
- That's in the movies.
693
00:51:38,679 --> 00:51:40,722
Besides, you remember
vampires always lose.
694
00:51:40,723 --> 00:51:42,808
- Yeah, but they always look
so cool stalking the halls.
695
00:51:42,808 --> 00:51:44,184
I just love that.
696
00:51:45,811 --> 00:51:48,063
- If Stanley knows, what's
stopping him from telling Mona?
697
00:51:48,063 --> 00:51:50,065
- So he tells her, you tell
her, what's the difference?
698
00:51:50,065 --> 00:51:50,899
What's the matter?
699
00:51:50,899 --> 00:51:51,733
Ashamed of who you are?
700
00:51:51,734 --> 00:51:52,568
- YES.
701
00:51:52,568 --> 00:51:54,987
No, no, I mean, I don't
know, it's not that easy.
702
00:51:54,987 --> 00:51:56,279
- Ralph?
703
00:51:56,280 --> 00:51:58,031
- Pressure's on, pressure's
on, what you gonna do?
704
00:51:58,032 --> 00:51:59,408
Don't choke, don't choke, don't choke.
705
00:51:59,408 --> 00:52:01,284
- Shut up and let me think.
706
00:52:01,285 --> 00:52:02,494
- Ralph?
707
00:52:03,787 --> 00:52:04,954
- I'm gonna tell her.
708
00:52:04,955 --> 00:52:06,748
- Everything? Even the you-know-what?
709
00:52:06,749 --> 00:52:07,958
- Everything.
710
00:52:07,958 --> 00:52:09,918
- Bad idea, man, bad idea.
711
00:52:09,918 --> 00:52:10,710
- Shh.
712
00:52:13,797 --> 00:52:15,632
- Uh, Ralph.
713
00:52:15,633 --> 00:52:17,009
Who are you talking to?
714
00:52:17,009 --> 00:52:18,760
- Uh no one, myself.
715
00:52:18,761 --> 00:52:20,596
Well, sort of, I'll explain later.
716
00:52:20,596 --> 00:52:23,557
Mona, we're having dinner at my mother's.
717
00:52:23,557 --> 00:52:25,600
- That's what I like about you Ralph.
718
00:52:25,601 --> 00:52:29,479
You're so decisive.
719
00:52:31,398 --> 00:52:32,357
- Attention.
720
00:52:33,525 --> 00:52:36,903
Could I have your attention please?
721
00:52:36,904 --> 00:52:37,696
Qy!
722
00:52:38,906 --> 00:52:41,783
I have a little premiere of my own.
723
00:52:46,497 --> 00:52:49,082
Mmm, that mantra felt good.
724
00:52:49,083 --> 00:52:53,087
Hi, I'm Stanley, your
guide into the other world.
725
00:52:54,004 --> 00:52:57,465
Here at Stanley's Deathpark,
we believe in a holistic,
726
00:52:57,466 --> 00:53:00,594
stress-free approach to
the passing on process.
727
00:53:00,594 --> 00:53:05,094
Just take a look at our new
line in designer headstones.
728
00:53:05,349 --> 00:53:08,393
Secretary forget to remind
you to bring flowers?
729
00:53:08,394 --> 00:53:12,106
The XK2000 is perfect for
those with a busy lifestyle.
730
00:53:12,106 --> 00:53:16,193
Just 50 cents brings an all
natural, floral surprise.
731
00:53:20,948 --> 00:53:23,533
Mmm, just smell those chlamydias.
732
00:53:23,534 --> 00:53:26,411
And we'll quite happily donate
10 cents of the proceeds
733
00:53:26,412 --> 00:53:28,872
to the charity of your choice.
734
00:53:30,332 --> 00:53:32,542
Miss that nagging loved one?
735
00:53:32,543 --> 00:53:34,711
No longer with the Recorder 6000,
736
00:53:34,712 --> 00:53:38,090
you just close your eyes and listen.
737
00:53:38,090 --> 00:53:40,175
- Harold, have
you been drinking again?
738
00:53:40,175 --> 00:53:42,594
Was it you who left the toilet seat up?
739
00:53:42,594 --> 00:53:44,345
My mother was right.
740
00:53:44,346 --> 00:53:47,557
- Better than a wool hair
coat and a crown of thorns.
741
00:53:47,558 --> 00:53:48,767
Realistic?
742
00:53:48,767 --> 00:53:50,894
Don't take my word for it.
743
00:53:52,354 --> 00:53:55,774
- It's been three years since
my lovely Clorice left me.
744
00:53:55,774 --> 00:53:58,943
But with Recorder 6000, I have yet to miss
745
00:53:58,944 --> 00:54:00,820
her deprecating banter.
746
00:54:02,865 --> 00:54:04,575
- Thank you Elmo, that was lovely.
747
00:54:04,575 --> 00:54:06,702
Now, here's something new.
748
00:54:08,954 --> 00:54:12,165
Relatives disapprove of your lifestyle?
749
00:54:12,166 --> 00:54:15,502
Invest in the Rotary 600, the
device that keeps those loved
750
00:54:15,502 --> 00:54:18,171
ones turning over in their grave.
751
00:54:24,428 --> 00:54:25,971
Isn't that amazing?
752
00:54:27,514 --> 00:54:30,266
And over here we have the very latest in
753
00:54:30,267 --> 00:54:32,227
cryogenic technology.
754
00:54:32,227 --> 00:54:35,480
It may well be the answer
to everlasting life,
755
00:54:35,481 --> 00:54:38,150
and, while you're waiting to be reborn,
756
00:54:38,150 --> 00:54:40,110
why not listen to your
choice of subliminal
757
00:54:40,110 --> 00:54:41,611
self help tapes.
758
00:54:41,612 --> 00:54:43,030
We have an incredible selection.
759
00:54:43,030 --> 00:54:46,408
Everything from meditation
to the fundamentals of golf.
760
00:54:46,408 --> 00:54:48,410
Learn a foreign language
while you're waiting
761
00:54:48,410 --> 00:54:50,912
to be awoken from your everlasting sleep.
762
00:54:50,913 --> 00:54:52,247
Did you die a smoker?
763
00:54:52,247 --> 00:54:54,374
Quit while you're dead.
764
00:54:54,374 --> 00:54:56,793
Improve your karma, knock
off several lifetimes
765
00:54:56,794 --> 00:54:58,921
and awake a better person.
766
00:55:00,214 --> 00:55:00,964
- Get out.
767
00:55:01,173 --> 00:55:02,924
- That was the best bit.
768
00:55:02,925 --> 00:55:06,511
- Stanley, I have been working
my entire life for tonight,
769
00:55:06,512 --> 00:55:08,013
and you come and make a joke out of it?
770
00:55:08,013 --> 00:55:08,805
- Mona.
771
00:55:12,184 --> 00:55:13,185
You.
772
00:55:13,185 --> 00:55:15,478
You did it to me, you fiend.
773
00:55:30,244 --> 00:55:31,370
- You alright?
774
00:55:31,370 --> 00:55:32,954
- Yes I'm fine, really.
775
00:55:32,955 --> 00:55:35,165
- Stanley is in love with you.
776
00:55:35,165 --> 00:55:36,666
- I know.
777
00:55:39,294 --> 00:55:41,170
It wasn't just Stanley.
778
00:55:42,089 --> 00:55:46,426
Ralph, I was watching the
video and suddenly I thought,
779
00:55:46,426 --> 00:55:50,847
"Is this what I have been
working for my entire life?
780
00:55:50,848 --> 00:55:53,350
"Three minutes, that's it?
781
00:55:53,350 --> 00:55:55,060
"Just three minutes?"
782
00:55:56,270 --> 00:55:58,730
It just seemed so unimportant.
783
00:56:01,149 --> 00:56:02,150
So temporary.
784
00:56:03,360 --> 00:56:04,152
Ralph.
785
00:56:05,320 --> 00:56:06,154
You--
786
00:56:06,154 --> 00:56:08,364
- Before you say what I
think you're gonna say,
787
00:56:08,365 --> 00:56:10,617
there's something you've gotta know.
788
00:56:10,617 --> 00:56:11,492
- Hi kids.
789
00:56:11,493 --> 00:56:12,702
- Mom, we were talking.
790
00:56:12,703 --> 00:56:13,620
- The legacy?
791
00:56:13,620 --> 00:56:14,746
- Mom.
792
00:56:14,746 --> 00:56:16,497
- The legacy?
793
00:56:19,293 --> 00:56:23,338
- It's nothing, it's,
nevermind, it's not important.
794
00:56:23,338 --> 00:56:25,548
What's for dinner?
795
00:56:25,549 --> 00:56:26,633
- Hello dear.
796
00:56:26,633 --> 00:56:28,926
- Mrs. Levee, this is
a beautiful home you have.
797
00:56:28,927 --> 00:56:31,971
- Oh thank you dear, but
please call me Phoebe.
798
00:56:31,972 --> 00:56:33,682
Of course, this is nothing like the
799
00:56:33,682 --> 00:56:35,433
palatial chateau that we had when we were
800
00:56:35,434 --> 00:56:37,352
in the south of France, is it Ralph?
801
00:56:37,352 --> 00:56:38,770
- I didn't know you lived in France?
802
00:56:38,770 --> 00:56:39,604
- You didn't?
803
00:56:39,605 --> 00:56:40,439
Of course you did.
804
00:56:40,439 --> 00:56:41,273
When was that Ralphie?
805
00:56:41,273 --> 00:56:43,024
The 16th or the 17th century?
806
00:56:43,025 --> 00:56:44,192
I don't remember.
807
00:56:44,192 --> 00:56:47,111
Oh, my pet Napoleon, mm,
could he throw a party.
808
00:56:47,112 --> 00:56:48,613
I was his favorite, you know.
809
00:56:48,614 --> 00:56:49,448
- Mom.
810
00:56:49,448 --> 00:56:52,576
- And Mona, your father, the king, was he,
811
00:56:52,576 --> 00:56:55,328
the most handsome man and you
were the cutest little thing.
812
00:56:55,329 --> 00:56:56,163
- MOI“!
813
00:56:56,163 --> 00:56:56,997
What's for dinner?
814
00:56:56,997 --> 00:56:58,081
- Meat and potatoes.
815
00:56:58,081 --> 00:56:59,248
Who's askin'?
816
00:56:59,249 --> 00:57:00,541
- Oh, Boom Boom.
817
00:57:01,501 --> 00:57:02,293
Boom, oh!
818
00:57:05,172 --> 00:57:06,548
O00, my son.
819
00:57:06,548 --> 00:57:10,635
Ralphie, this is my son
Ralphie and his fiancee Mona.
820
00:57:10,636 --> 00:57:11,970
Oh.
821
00:57:11,970 --> 00:57:13,262
- His fiancee?
822
00:57:13,263 --> 00:57:15,348
- The Boom Boom Williams?
823
00:57:15,349 --> 00:57:16,975
The Terror of Tennessee?
824
00:57:16,975 --> 00:57:18,851
- You got it, little fella.
825
00:57:18,852 --> 00:57:20,270
And if you eat all your
vegetables, you'll grow up
826
00:57:20,270 --> 00:57:23,064
to be big and strong just like me.
827
00:57:24,942 --> 00:57:27,277
- I think we're a little late for that.
828
00:57:27,277 --> 00:57:29,112
I don't know, about 300 years too late.
829
00:57:29,112 --> 00:57:30,196
- What did you say?
- Nothing.
830
00:57:30,197 --> 00:57:31,740
- Dinner is served.
831
00:57:34,117 --> 00:57:36,661
And as for the father of our country,
832
00:57:36,662 --> 00:57:38,997
well let me tell you,
he may have been hell
833
00:57:38,997 --> 00:57:41,666
on the battlefield, but
in bed he was as wooden
834
00:57:41,667 --> 00:57:44,878
as his teeth.
835
00:57:44,878 --> 00:57:47,547
Those were tough and
lonely times for a woman.
836
00:57:47,547 --> 00:57:49,590
Every day I get down on my hands and knees
837
00:57:49,591 --> 00:57:53,052
and I thank my lucky
stars that I had my boy.
838
00:57:53,053 --> 00:57:53,928
My Ralphie.
839
00:57:54,846 --> 00:57:56,097
Ralphie.
840
00:57:56,098 --> 00:57:58,100
- Baby, where would you
like your coffee served?
841
00:57:58,100 --> 00:58:00,685
In here, or in the living room?
842
00:58:00,686 --> 00:58:02,479
- In the living room, don't you think?
843
00:58:02,479 --> 00:58:05,273
- Oh, whatever you say love cakes.
844
00:58:17,869 --> 00:58:21,414
Introducing the fabulous,
the incomparable,
845
00:58:22,624 --> 00:58:24,334
and the sexy,
846
00:58:24,334 --> 00:58:25,710
Miss
847
00:58:25,711 --> 00:58:26,503
Phoebe.
848
01:02:00,967 --> 01:02:03,177
- My mom's kind of strange.
849
01:02:04,471 --> 01:02:06,264
If you hadn't noticed.
850
01:02:07,390 --> 01:02:11,018
- This whole night has
been kind of strange.
851
01:02:13,855 --> 01:02:15,314
- Mona, pull over.
852
01:02:25,408 --> 01:02:26,200
Oh great.
853
01:02:29,454 --> 01:02:30,496
Mona?
854
01:02:30,497 --> 01:02:32,540
Would you give up everything for me?
855
01:02:32,540 --> 01:02:35,376
Your career, your friends, everything?
856
01:02:35,377 --> 01:02:39,047
- Ralph, don't you think
that's a little bit radical?
857
01:02:39,047 --> 01:02:40,965
I mean, maybe we should
date for a while first,
858
01:02:40,966 --> 01:02:41,841
don't you think?
859
01:02:41,841 --> 01:02:45,427
- I've given you a choice
and it has to be your choice.
860
01:02:45,428 --> 01:02:47,763
- What are you talking about?
861
01:02:47,764 --> 01:02:49,974
Ralph, where are you going?
862
01:02:51,434 --> 01:02:52,601
Ralph, where are you going?
863
01:02:52,602 --> 01:02:54,937
- Just follow me.
864
01:02:54,938 --> 01:02:57,649
- Ralph, what is with you?
865
01:02:57,649 --> 01:02:59,442
- Okay, you see these people?
866
01:02:59,442 --> 01:03:01,652
They're dead, I'm not.
867
01:03:01,653 --> 01:03:03,071
- I can see that, Ralph.
868
01:03:03,071 --> 01:03:04,947
- But, I'm older.
869
01:03:04,948 --> 01:03:05,782
- What?
870
01:03:05,782 --> 01:03:07,658
- Mona, I'm a vampire.
871
01:03:07,659 --> 01:03:09,118
- And I'm the Bride of Frankenstein.
872
01:03:09,119 --> 01:03:10,703
- No seriously, Mona, it's the truth.
873
01:03:10,704 --> 01:03:12,205
I'm not a bad vampire.
874
01:03:12,205 --> 01:03:15,333
I am a bad vampire, I'm
not very good at it.
875
01:03:15,333 --> 01:03:17,960
I don't bite people but I am a vampire.
876
01:03:17,961 --> 01:03:20,505
- Ralph, this is a very common thing.
877
01:03:20,505 --> 01:03:21,339
- It is?
878
01:03:21,339 --> 01:03:22,214
- Yes, sure it is.
879
01:03:22,215 --> 01:03:25,009
People begin to believe their
stage personas all the time.
880
01:03:25,010 --> 01:03:27,387
- No, no, no, no, I don't
think I'm a vampire,
881
01:03:27,387 --> 01:03:29,931
I really am a vampire.
882
01:03:29,931 --> 01:03:31,182
- Prove it.
883
01:03:31,182 --> 01:03:32,016
- Look.
884
01:03:32,017 --> 01:03:33,184
Fangs, see?
885
01:03:33,184 --> 01:03:35,352
- Well it's probably
something that just runs
886
01:03:35,353 --> 01:03:37,104
in the family, Ralph.
887
01:03:37,105 --> 01:03:39,774
Besides, I knew a girl
in the eighth grade,
888
01:03:39,774 --> 01:03:41,150
she had bigger teeth than that.
889
01:03:41,151 --> 01:03:43,653
She wasn't a vampire, Ralph.
890
01:03:43,653 --> 01:03:46,280
You really should have
those filed down though.
891
01:03:46,281 --> 01:03:48,283
- Okay, all that stuff
my mom was talking about
892
01:03:48,283 --> 01:03:51,035
back at the house, it's all true.
893
01:03:51,036 --> 01:03:53,455
Mona, you are 422 years old.
894
01:03:53,455 --> 01:03:55,457
This is your 19th lifetime.
895
01:03:55,457 --> 01:03:58,418
You always die on Halloween
night of your 22nd year.
896
01:03:58,418 --> 01:03:59,585
' Ralph!
897
01:03:59,586 --> 01:04:01,379
- Mona, we were lovers 400 years ago
898
01:04:01,379 --> 01:04:03,089
and every 22 years since then,
899
01:04:03,089 --> 01:04:04,924
and it always ends the same way.
900
01:04:04,924 --> 01:04:06,425
- And how is that?
901
01:04:06,426 --> 01:04:08,845
- You're killed by a pirate with a peg leg
902
01:04:08,845 --> 01:04:11,055
wielding a gigantic ham bone.
903
01:04:11,056 --> 01:04:12,348
- And then I'm reborn?
904
01:04:12,349 --> 01:04:14,517
- Over and over.
905
01:04:14,517 --> 01:04:18,687
- I think maybe you just
need some therapy, Ralph.
906
01:04:18,688 --> 01:04:20,231
- Okay, you remember this?
907
01:04:20,231 --> 01:04:21,774
You said you did back at the house.
908
01:04:21,775 --> 01:04:22,859
- I do.
909
01:04:22,859 --> 01:04:24,694
I remember that from somewhere.
910
01:04:24,694 --> 01:04:26,070
- 1786.
911
01:04:26,071 --> 01:04:26,988
- What?
912
01:04:26,988 --> 01:04:28,364
- You owned it in 1786.
913
01:04:28,365 --> 01:04:29,699
You wanna see what you looked like?
914
01:04:29,699 --> 01:04:31,117
- I'm not sure.
915
01:04:34,788 --> 01:04:37,290
- And here's you in 1918.
916
01:04:40,919 --> 01:04:42,670
- Now wait a minute.
917
01:04:42,670 --> 01:04:44,380
So that means that,
918
01:04:44,381 --> 01:04:46,007
that you're--
- Yes.
919
01:04:46,007 --> 01:04:47,591
- And that I'm--
- Yep.
920
01:04:47,592 --> 01:04:50,136
- And that we're--
- You got it.
921
01:04:51,262 --> 01:04:52,429
- Nah.
922
01:04:52,430 --> 01:04:54,807
- Okay, okay, fine, fine.
923
01:04:54,808 --> 01:04:57,310
Okay, I didn't wanna do this
but you leave me no choice.
924
01:04:57,310 --> 01:04:59,353
Now watch close, I
haven't done this in years
925
01:04:59,354 --> 01:05:02,982
and I'm not very good
at it so bear with me.
926
01:05:09,364 --> 01:05:11,032
Hi.
927
01:05:11,032 --> 01:05:12,199
Mona.
928
01:05:12,200 --> 01:05:13,326
Mona, it's me.
929
01:05:20,625 --> 01:05:21,584
Mona.
930
01:05:21,584 --> 01:05:22,418
Mona.
931
01:05:22,419 --> 01:05:24,003
- Stay away from me.
932
01:05:24,003 --> 01:05:25,921
- It's okay, you react
like this every time.
933
01:05:25,922 --> 01:05:27,089
Everything's okay, it's okay.
934
01:05:27,090 --> 01:05:28,299
- No, no it isn't.
935
01:05:28,299 --> 01:05:30,217
This is my fault.
936
01:05:30,218 --> 01:05:31,719
I thought I could handle
this, I thought I was
937
01:05:31,719 --> 01:05:34,096
more open-minded, but this.
938
01:05:34,097 --> 01:05:35,556
This is just too much.
939
01:05:35,557 --> 01:05:37,392
- No, no Mona it's okay,
all you have to do is make
940
01:05:37,392 --> 01:05:38,768
it to All Saints Day.
941
01:05:38,768 --> 01:05:39,977
- Stay away from me.
942
01:05:39,978 --> 01:05:41,312
- Mona, you have no choice.
943
01:05:41,312 --> 01:05:42,479
I love you, you love me.
944
01:05:42,480 --> 01:05:44,482
If you don't listen to
me you're gonna die,
945
01:05:44,482 --> 01:05:45,816
and we're gonna have to
do this all over again
946
01:05:45,817 --> 01:05:47,401
in 22 years.
947
01:05:47,402 --> 01:05:49,445
- I don't love you Ralph!
948
01:05:50,363 --> 01:05:51,322
I don't!
949
01:05:51,322 --> 01:05:52,114
- Mona!
950
01:05:54,367 --> 01:05:55,159
Mona!
951
01:09:12,023 --> 01:09:12,815
' No!
952
01:09:13,775 --> 01:09:14,567
Ralph!
953
01:09:16,069 --> 01:09:16,861
Ralph!
954
01:09:46,057 --> 01:09:47,933
- Your move, numb nuts.
955
01:09:50,853 --> 01:09:51,645
Ralph.
956
01:09:53,064 --> 01:09:54,023
" Huh?
957
01:09:54,023 --> 01:09:54,940
- Your move.
958
01:09:59,237 --> 01:10:00,488
- I'm sorry.
959
01:10:00,488 --> 01:10:02,531
I just can't concentrate.
960
01:10:05,201 --> 01:10:08,120
- Thinkin' about tonight?
961
01:10:08,121 --> 01:10:09,664
Where you goin'?
962
01:10:09,664 --> 01:10:10,456
- Out.
963
01:10:11,499 --> 01:10:14,251
- Well don't forget your retainer.
964
01:10:15,336 --> 01:10:18,213
- I don't need that anymore.
965
01:10:25,972 --> 01:10:28,933
- Well, are you quite sure?
966
01:10:28,933 --> 01:10:31,644
No, I already have the
costume, what I want
967
01:10:31,644 --> 01:10:34,438
is a rhinestone peg leg.
968
01:10:34,439 --> 01:10:37,608
Yes, I know it's Halloween, goddammit.
969
01:10:37,608 --> 01:10:38,609
Ugh!
970
01:10:38,609 --> 01:10:40,736
What am I gonna do?
971
01:10:47,618 --> 01:10:48,619
Hello?
972
01:10:48,619 --> 01:10:49,870
Madam Ben Wa?
973
01:10:49,871 --> 01:10:52,415
Hi, it's Stanley, the ham bone?
974
01:10:55,084 --> 01:10:58,170
I'm working on it, but listen.
975
01:10:58,171 --> 01:11:01,465
I have another little problem.
976
01:11:12,268 --> 01:11:13,894
- Unbelievable.
977
01:11:13,895 --> 01:11:16,314
- Another van will
be along in 10 minutes.
978
01:11:16,314 --> 01:11:17,106
Sorry.
979
01:11:19,734 --> 01:11:22,236
- What am I gonna do?
980
01:11:38,795 --> 01:11:39,837
- Thanks.
981
01:11:39,837 --> 01:11:42,047
Just one of those days, you know?
982
01:11:42,048 --> 01:11:44,425
- Try one of those lifetimes.
983
01:12:16,707 --> 01:12:18,667
- I'm really worried.
984
01:12:18,668 --> 01:12:20,419
I haven't seen her for days.
985
01:12:20,419 --> 01:12:22,879
- And Ralph, I haven't seen him either.
986
01:12:22,880 --> 01:12:24,089
- Neither have I.
987
01:12:24,090 --> 01:12:24,965
- I'm back!
988
01:12:39,522 --> 01:12:42,566
- Madam Ben Wa, is that you?
989
01:12:42,567 --> 01:12:44,193
Hello Madam Ben Wa.
990
01:12:44,193 --> 01:12:46,945
I've got everything ready, the
liquid nitrogen, everything.
991
01:12:46,946 --> 01:12:48,614
All I need is--
992
01:12:48,614 --> 01:12:49,823
Wow.
993
01:12:49,824 --> 01:12:51,200
Real rhinestones.
994
01:12:52,618 --> 01:12:54,703
Do you think she's gonna
be here, Madam Ben Wa?
995
01:12:55,955 --> 01:12:57,915
- Are you doubting Madam Ben Wa?
996
01:12:57,915 --> 01:12:59,124
- Oh no, no, no, n0, “O-
997
01:12:59,125 --> 01:13:02,253
- Do I sense that you are
wavering from your destiny?
998
01:13:02,253 --> 01:13:03,671
- No, Madam Ben Wa.
999
01:13:03,671 --> 01:13:06,090
- Do you love Mona more than life itself?
1000
01:13:06,090 --> 01:13:07,216
- YES.
1001
01:13:07,216 --> 01:13:08,842
- Then you will save her from the vampire.
1002
01:13:08,843 --> 01:13:11,595
- Yes, Madam Ben Wa, yes, yes!
1003
01:13:11,596 --> 01:13:13,347
- You remember.
1004
01:13:13,347 --> 01:13:14,639
Before midnight!
1005
01:13:15,766 --> 01:13:17,517
- Suppose she
doesn't come on time.
1006
01:13:17,518 --> 01:13:18,435
- So you'll go on.
1007
01:13:19,604 --> 01:13:21,314
- I can't do that.
1008
01:13:21,314 --> 01:13:23,607
- Sure you can, you know that song.
1009
01:13:23,608 --> 01:13:25,610
I've heard you sing it.
1010
01:13:25,610 --> 01:13:27,236
Ham.
1011
01:13:27,236 --> 01:13:28,820
Who brought the sandwiches?
1012
01:13:28,821 --> 01:13:30,072
- I did.
1013
01:13:30,072 --> 01:13:31,239
What's the matter?
1014
01:13:31,240 --> 01:13:33,700
Too cooked for you, Mr. Vampire?
1015
01:13:33,701 --> 01:13:35,744
- What's your costume, Stanley?
1016
01:13:35,745 --> 01:13:37,455
- It's a secret.
1017
01:13:37,455 --> 01:13:39,665
- It wouldn't happen to
be a pirate, would it?
1018
01:13:39,665 --> 01:13:41,083
- What if it is?
1019
01:13:41,083 --> 01:13:43,293
- Lana, 10 minutes.
1020
01:13:44,337 --> 01:13:47,340
- Don't forget your peg leg, Stanley.
1021
01:14:49,652 --> 01:14:51,695
- God dammit!
1022
01:14:51,696 --> 01:14:52,530
- Did you find her?
1023
01:14:52,530 --> 01:14:53,572
- No sign of her yet.
1024
01:14:53,572 --> 01:14:54,656
- Stanley's disappeared.
1025
01:14:54,657 --> 01:14:56,367
He was here one minute and gone the next.
1026
01:14:56,367 --> 01:14:57,201
- Okay, let's go-
1027
01:14:57,201 --> 01:14:59,995
Raphael, you and Chuck stage
left, Axman stage right.
1028
01:14:59,996 --> 01:15:02,331
Be on the look out for
anyone in a pirate costume.
1029
01:15:02,331 --> 01:15:03,540
- What about Stanley?
1030
01:15:03,541 --> 01:15:05,292
- Leave Stanley to me.
1031
01:15:05,292 --> 01:15:07,544
- Club Hell presents Mona!
1032
01:15:07,545 --> 01:15:09,630
- It's up to you.
1033
01:15:09,630 --> 01:15:10,756
You can do it.
1034
01:15:18,514 --> 01:15:20,974
- I'm waiting for you my love.
1035
01:15:22,768 --> 01:15:25,228
I hope Madam Ben Wa was right.
1036
01:16:52,399 --> 01:16:54,943
- Mom, what are you doing here?
1037
01:16:57,488 --> 01:16:58,280
Mum!
1038
01:17:00,407 --> 01:17:01,199
Excuse me.
1039
01:17:02,243 --> 01:17:03,285
Mom, what are you doing here?
1040
01:17:03,285 --> 01:17:04,119
Are you okay?
1041
01:17:04,120 --> 01:17:06,956
- I just wanted to see
your little rock band play.
1042
01:17:06,956 --> 01:17:10,000
Is that too much for a mother to ask?
1043
01:17:17,508 --> 01:17:18,300
- Mona!
1044
01:17:20,094 --> 01:17:20,886
Mona!
1045
01:17:24,223 --> 01:17:25,015
- Ralph.
1046
01:17:29,478 --> 01:17:32,272
- Put me down, what are you doing?
1047
01:17:32,273 --> 01:17:33,065
Stanley!
1048
01:17:39,655 --> 01:17:40,447
- Mona!
1049
01:17:44,368 --> 01:17:45,202
- Sorry, man, we lost--
1050
01:17:45,202 --> 01:17:47,037
- It's not important,
we gotta find Mona.
1051
01:17:47,037 --> 01:17:48,705
We gotta split up, what time is it?
1052
01:17:48,706 --> 01:17:49,707
- Five to 12.
1053
01:17:49,707 --> 01:17:51,834
- I hope it's not too late.
1054
01:17:51,834 --> 01:17:53,710
- Come on then.
1055
01:17:57,840 --> 01:17:59,341
- Stanley.
1056
01:17:59,341 --> 01:18:00,717
What is going on?
1057
01:18:01,594 --> 01:18:02,928
- Destiny.
1058
01:18:02,928 --> 01:18:04,095
- Ouch!
1059
01:18:04,096 --> 01:18:05,222
Are you crazy?
1060
01:18:10,311 --> 01:18:13,230
Stanley, is that a ham bone?
1061
01:18:13,230 --> 01:18:15,690
- Well it ain't chopped liver.
1062
01:18:17,943 --> 01:18:18,818
- Ham bone.
1063
01:18:20,362 --> 01:18:21,738
Pirate.
1064
01:18:21,739 --> 01:18:22,823
Halloween.
1065
01:18:22,823 --> 01:18:23,615
Ralph!
1066
01:18:25,034 --> 01:18:25,868
- Damn.
1067
01:18:25,868 --> 01:18:26,869
- Hey, Ralph, what's the good word?
1068
01:18:26,869 --> 01:18:28,120
You save her yet?
1069
01:18:28,120 --> 01:18:29,871
- Stanley's got her and
they've disappeared.
1070
01:18:29,872 --> 01:18:30,873
' typical.
1071
01:18:30,873 --> 01:18:32,207
- What's typical?
1072
01:18:32,208 --> 01:18:33,751
- That the damsel's in
distress and you're caught
1073
01:18:33,751 --> 01:18:35,419
sleeping at the gate behind the eight ball
1074
01:18:35,419 --> 01:18:37,170
a day late and a dime short.
1075
01:18:37,171 --> 01:18:38,797
- Sometimes I really hate you.
1076
01:18:38,797 --> 01:18:41,633
- Oh, thanks a lot and I'm just
gonna tell you where she is.
1077
01:18:41,634 --> 01:18:42,885
- Where, where, where is she?
1078
01:18:42,885 --> 01:18:44,928
- But now I'm not going to.
1079
01:18:44,929 --> 01:18:46,221
- Tell me, where is she?
1080
01:18:46,222 --> 01:18:48,224
- Not until you apologize.
1081
01:18:51,018 --> 01:18:52,144
- I apologize!
1082
01:18:53,479 --> 01:18:57,107
- Who's your best friend
in the whole world?
1083
01:18:58,067 --> 01:18:59,735
I'm sorry, what, what, what, what, what?
1084
01:18:59,735 --> 01:19:00,569
I can't hear you.
1085
01:19:00,569 --> 01:19:01,403
- You are!
1086
01:19:01,403 --> 01:19:03,321
Tell me where she is!
1087
01:19:03,322 --> 01:19:04,698
- You go out that door, you make a left,
1088
01:19:04,698 --> 01:19:06,658
there's a access stairs.
1089
01:19:11,622 --> 01:19:12,414
Hm.
1090
01:19:13,415 --> 01:19:15,458
It's gonna be close.
1091
01:19:19,255 --> 01:19:20,839
- Why, Stanley, why?
1092
01:19:20,839 --> 01:19:21,881
- Because I love you, Mona.
1093
01:19:21,882 --> 01:19:23,967
We belong together.
1094
01:19:23,968 --> 01:19:24,969
- So you're gonna kill me?
1095
01:19:24,969 --> 01:19:25,803
- Well not exactly.
1096
01:19:25,803 --> 01:19:27,805
I'm gonna freeze you cryogenically
1097
01:19:27,805 --> 01:19:29,848
and then we'll be together forever.
1098
01:19:29,848 --> 01:19:30,640
' No!
1099
01:19:33,310 --> 01:19:36,021
- Drop the bone, Stanley.
1100
01:19:36,021 --> 01:19:37,105
- Make me.
1101
01:19:37,106 --> 01:19:39,316
- I don't make garbage.
1102
01:19:39,316 --> 01:19:40,150
I burn it.
1103
01:19:40,150 --> 01:19:41,609
- Oh yeah?
- Yeah.
1104
01:19:45,656 --> 01:19:47,491
Is that a ham bone Stanley?
1105
01:19:47,491 --> 01:19:48,867
- Why, yes, I think it is.
1106
01:19:48,867 --> 01:19:52,996
- Well that explains our
little backstage porkfest.
1107
01:19:52,997 --> 01:19:54,540
Nice touch with the peg leg.
1108
01:19:54,540 --> 01:19:56,250
Where did you get it?
1109
01:19:57,459 --> 01:19:59,669
- My psychic, Madam Ben Wa.
1110
01:20:08,554 --> 01:20:09,638
- They're nowhere in sight.
1111
01:20:09,638 --> 01:20:11,014
- Ralph just disappeared.
1112
01:20:11,015 --> 01:20:12,641
- Well we gotta find him,
it's almost midnight.
1113
01:20:12,641 --> 01:20:14,267
Tuty, is there another way out of here?
1114
01:20:14,268 --> 01:20:15,102
- YES.
1115
01:20:15,102 --> 01:20:16,978
There's a little door that
goes upstairs over there.
1116
01:20:16,979 --> 01:20:18,271
- Great!
1117
01:20:34,121 --> 01:20:35,997
- The girl is mine!
1118
01:20:35,998 --> 01:20:37,374
' Is not!
1119
01:20:41,086 --> 01:20:41,878
- IS tOO.
1120
01:20:43,005 --> 01:20:44,256
- Is not.
1121
01:20:44,256 --> 01:20:46,091
This time, the pirate loses.
1122
01:20:46,091 --> 01:20:49,844
All my life, I've been pushed
around by punks like you.
1123
01:20:49,845 --> 01:20:52,055
No one ever believed in me.
1124
01:20:52,056 --> 01:20:54,558
I never even believed in myself.
1125
01:20:54,558 --> 01:20:56,935
I spent centuries wallowing in self-pity.
1126
01:20:56,935 --> 01:20:59,938
I was such a weakling, I
couldn't even shake a cold.
1127
01:20:59,938 --> 01:21:02,065
The only person who believed
in me was my mother,
1128
01:21:02,066 --> 01:21:03,358
God bless her.
1129
01:21:03,359 --> 01:21:05,069
If it weren't for that woman--
1130
01:21:05,069 --> 01:21:07,404
- Oh Ralph, I'm sorry.
1131
01:21:07,404 --> 01:21:08,696
- Mom.
1132
01:21:08,697 --> 01:21:09,739
- Madam Ben Wa?
1133
01:21:09,740 --> 01:21:10,866
- Mrs. Levee?
1134
01:21:10,866 --> 01:21:11,992
- Madam Ben Wa?
1135
01:21:11,992 --> 01:21:13,493
' Mom?
1136
01:21:13,494 --> 01:21:15,078
- I thought I was doing the right thing
1137
01:21:15,079 --> 01:21:17,414
but now I know I was wrong.
1138
01:21:17,414 --> 01:21:19,332
- You mean you were behind
this the whole time?
1139
01:21:19,333 --> 01:21:20,834
- You were my little boy.
1140
01:21:20,834 --> 01:21:22,627
I didn't want you to leave home.
1141
01:21:22,628 --> 01:21:24,212
Now I know you're all grown up.
1142
01:21:24,213 --> 01:21:25,422
- You're in this together.
1143
01:21:25,422 --> 01:21:27,173
Die, vampire scum!
1144
01:21:27,174 --> 01:21:28,550
- Ralph!
1145
01:21:29,927 --> 01:21:32,429
- That was my mother you just boned.
1146
01:21:32,429 --> 01:21:34,055
- She was a traitor.
1147
01:21:36,725 --> 01:21:38,143
Nothing can stop me now.
1148
01:21:38,143 --> 01:21:38,977
' No!
1149
01:21:38,977 --> 01:21:39,811
Ralph!
1150
01:21:39,812 --> 01:21:43,690
- Not so fast, you leave
me no choice, Stanley.
1151
01:21:50,989 --> 01:21:53,199
Drop the ham bone, Stanley.
1152
01:22:00,082 --> 01:22:01,458
' Two, one.
1153
01:22:02,918 --> 01:22:05,211
You are now totally relaxed yet energized
1154
01:22:05,212 --> 01:22:07,797
in a beautiful and harmonious way.
1155
01:22:07,798 --> 01:22:10,258
Imagine the energy of the
universe coming in through
1156
01:22:10,259 --> 01:22:13,553
the top of your head and radiating out.
1157
01:22:13,554 --> 01:22:16,139
While gripping your
nine iron, inhale deeply
1158
01:22:16,140 --> 01:22:19,017
and mentally repeat these affirmations:
1159
01:22:19,017 --> 01:22:22,645
my nine iron is an extension of my penis.
1160
01:22:22,646 --> 01:22:26,566
My nine iron is an extension of my penis.
1161
01:22:30,070 --> 01:22:32,280
- I knew that would come in handy one day.
1162
01:22:32,281 --> 01:22:34,366
Mona, are you alright?
1163
01:22:34,366 --> 01:22:35,825
- You know the second
time around that bat thing
1164
01:22:35,826 --> 01:22:37,202
was kind of cute.
1165
01:22:39,913 --> 01:22:41,664
- Yowza, what happened here?
1166
01:22:41,665 --> 01:22:42,874
- It's after 12.
1167
01:22:42,875 --> 01:22:43,709
- You saved her.
1168
01:22:43,709 --> 01:22:44,459
- Yes!
1169
01:22:50,632 --> 01:22:51,424
Mom.
1170
01:22:53,135 --> 01:22:54,469
Come here.
1171
01:22:54,470 --> 01:22:55,262
- Oh.
1172
01:22:57,639 --> 01:22:59,182
Oh Ralphie.
1173
01:22:59,183 --> 01:23:00,517
Do you forgive me?
1174
01:23:03,103 --> 01:23:04,604
- Of course we forgive you.
1175
01:23:04,605 --> 01:23:05,731
- Oh, Ralphie!
1176
01:23:20,370 --> 01:23:21,412
- No hickies.
1177
01:23:22,498 --> 01:23:23,290
- Ralph?
1178
01:23:25,125 --> 01:23:25,917
Hey Ralph?
1179
01:23:29,630 --> 01:23:31,006
Ralph?
1180
01:23:31,006 --> 01:23:33,174
Where are you man?
1181
01:23:33,175 --> 01:23:33,967
Ralph!
1182
01:23:35,010 --> 01:23:35,802
Come on.
1183
01:23:38,096 --> 01:23:39,806
HEY, did you get her?
1184
01:23:41,141 --> 01:23:42,600
Ralph?
1185
01:23:42,601 --> 01:23:45,478
Come on, I'm ready, don't leave me.
1186
01:23:47,022 --> 01:23:47,856
Ral--
1187
01:23:47,856 --> 01:23:49,941
Okay, I'll wait, I'll wait.
1188
01:23:49,942 --> 01:23:51,652
Ralph! Where are you?
1189
01:23:55,239 --> 01:23:57,241
Ralph, come on, I'm locked in here!
1190
01:23:57,241 --> 01:23:58,033
Ralph!
1191
01:24:01,620 --> 01:24:02,412
Okay.
1192
01:24:03,622 --> 01:24:04,497
Okay, fine.
1193
01:24:06,667 --> 01:24:08,001
To hell with this.
1194
01:24:47,749 --> 01:24:49,208
Wow, it's deja vu.
1195
01:24:55,132 --> 01:24:57,175
- The return of the king!
1196
01:27:38,086 --> 01:27:39,587
I Say Yo, yo I
79535
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