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# They say I might as well face the truth
2
00:00:05,935 --> 00:00:09,245
# That I am just too long in the tooth
3
00:00:09,415 --> 00:00:12,725
# So I'm an OAP and weak-kneed
4
00:00:12,895 --> 00:00:16,171
# But I have not yet quite gone to seed
5
00:00:16,335 --> 00:00:20,248
# I may be over the hill now that I have retired
6
00:00:20,415 --> 00:00:23,566
# Fading away but I've not yet expired
7
00:00:23,735 --> 00:00:27,728
# Clapped out, run down, too old to save
8
00:00:27,895 --> 00:00:30,693
# One foot in the grave #
9
00:00:35,615 --> 00:00:37,924
(ANNOUNCEMENT ON TANNOY)
10
00:00:38,575 --> 00:00:42,204
That's the little café
where we used to go for our breakfast.
11
00:00:42,375 --> 00:00:45,094
That was our last day in Athens, actually.
12
00:00:45,255 --> 00:00:48,884
- Nice one of the ruins.
- I think that's the hotel.
13
00:00:49,895 --> 00:00:51,214
Oh!
14
00:00:52,135 --> 00:00:55,411
Your postcard...which I gave to Victor to post.
15
00:00:56,015 --> 00:00:57,494
Thanks.
16
00:01:00,255 --> 00:01:05,932
''Arrived safe and sound. Plane trip fine,
apart from finding dead snake in the flight bag.
17
00:01:07,055 --> 00:01:09,933
''Tell you all about that later.''
18
00:01:10,095 --> 00:01:12,450
Oh, it's 39.
19
00:01:12,615 --> 00:01:16,403
- Sorry?
- 39 wingate. It says here 30.
20
00:01:17,615 --> 00:01:21,449
That's just Victor's 9s. I'm forever telling him.
21
00:01:22,615 --> 00:01:25,083
- There you go.
- So, erm...
22
00:01:25,895 --> 00:01:29,854
- How is Victor, then?
- You know, Jean, his usual self.
23
00:01:30,695 --> 00:01:33,289
Oh, dear.
24
00:01:33,455 --> 00:01:38,575
As well as can be expected after undergoing
an intimate body search by customs officers.
25
00:01:39,375 --> 00:01:41,525
what exactly happened?
26
00:01:41,695 --> 00:01:46,769
well, the man had just stopped him, how
they do, and said, ''And how are we today, sir?''
27
00:01:46,935 --> 00:01:50,928
To which Victor replied,
''I'm fine apart from the crack in my bottom.''
28
00:01:51,095 --> 00:01:54,007
You know he suffers with that crack.
29
00:01:54,175 --> 00:01:59,169
well, that was it. He was in there
for two and a half hours while they looked for it.
30
00:02:00,215 --> 00:02:03,127
Drugs officers. Everyone.
31
00:02:03,295 --> 00:02:07,288
well, Jean, they're thorough once they get going.
32
00:02:09,455 --> 00:02:14,324
- Margaret, there's something I've got...
- And all the luggage going walkabout!
33
00:02:14,495 --> 00:02:18,773
- Margaret!
- It's been down to earth with a...real thud.
34
00:02:18,935 --> 00:02:24,532
what is it? You've been all on edge ever since
you turned up. whatever's the matter?
35
00:02:25,295 --> 00:02:27,889
I think I'm going to buy you a large brandy.
36
00:02:52,095 --> 00:02:54,563
- Any luck?
- Luck?
37
00:02:54,735 --> 00:02:59,729
They've emptied the entire cargo hold. They
swear the suitcases were never on the plane.
38
00:03:00,535 --> 00:03:04,528
Good evening, Mrs warboys. How are you?
You know what's happened?
39
00:03:04,695 --> 00:03:07,892
Those Greek baggage handlers
are all in the Mafia!
40
00:03:08,055 --> 00:03:11,491
Mr Meldrew...did you have a nice time?
41
00:03:11,655 --> 00:03:16,854
Terrible. Two weeks of misery incarnate
imprisoned in the most polluted city on earth
42
00:03:17,015 --> 00:03:19,609
during the Greek coach drivers' strike!
43
00:03:20,655 --> 00:03:21,974
Victor...
44
00:03:22,135 --> 00:03:24,490
Jean has some bad news.
45
00:03:24,655 --> 00:03:26,486
Hmm?
46
00:03:26,655 --> 00:03:28,725
what's happened?
47
00:03:28,895 --> 00:03:32,205
- You won't get hysterical?
- what is it?
48
00:03:32,895 --> 00:03:39,448
You won't start shouting or banging yourself
on the head with that tin tray? Promise me.
49
00:03:39,615 --> 00:03:44,405
I won't shout or get hysterical.
Just tell me what's happened.
50
00:03:44,575 --> 00:03:47,248
Your house has been demolished.
51
00:03:57,695 --> 00:04:00,448
what happened was...
52
00:04:00,615 --> 00:04:03,209
First of all, it caught fire.
53
00:04:04,935 --> 00:04:07,324
Somehow two days after you left.
54
00:04:08,655 --> 00:04:12,728
It was very badly gutted,
but it was still standing.
55
00:04:15,575 --> 00:04:18,169
That was before the hurricane.
56
00:04:19,535 --> 00:04:24,290
well, you see,
by then it was getting very, very hazardous...
57
00:04:25,095 --> 00:04:29,646
with it collapsing on people
in the street and so on.
58
00:04:30,375 --> 00:04:32,889
So they had no choice but to...
59
00:04:34,815 --> 00:04:36,806
Oh, dear.
60
00:04:42,695 --> 00:04:46,370
I got you a Tennents Pilsner lager.
I thought you'd need it.
61
00:04:49,855 --> 00:04:51,846
Thank you.
62
00:04:59,855 --> 00:05:02,369
No, it hasn't helped, I'm afraid.
63
00:05:31,775 --> 00:05:34,243
what do they think happened?
64
00:05:34,415 --> 00:05:40,047
It could have been children sticking a firework
through the letter box as a trick or treat,
65
00:05:40,215 --> 00:05:42,604
but of course they can't prove anything.
66
00:05:43,535 --> 00:05:48,609
It was Mrs Althorp across the road
who first smelt something burning.
67
00:05:50,095 --> 00:05:52,086
Didn't she do anything?
68
00:05:52,255 --> 00:05:56,248
well, yes. She turned down the gas
under her cauliflower.
69
00:05:57,495 --> 00:06:00,646
Eventually
she did try to ring the fire brigade,
70
00:06:00,815 --> 00:06:06,094
but what with the arthritis in her fingers
and everything, she got the wrong number
71
00:06:06,255 --> 00:06:09,213
and got through to a singing telegram agency.
72
00:06:10,415 --> 00:06:14,374
Mind you, to give them their due,
they were round here very quickly.
73
00:06:15,015 --> 00:06:17,006
who were?
74
00:06:18,335 --> 00:06:20,690
The three men in gorilla costumes.
75
00:06:24,175 --> 00:06:26,166
Three men in go...?
76
00:06:27,095 --> 00:06:29,609
well, that was the answer to all our prayers!
77
00:06:29,775 --> 00:06:34,724
So did they swing backwards and forwards
between the lamp-posts with buckets of water?
78
00:06:35,575 --> 00:06:37,964
This was my house!
79
00:06:39,575 --> 00:06:43,454
I'll get you some coats.
You'll catch your deaths out here.
80
00:06:51,975 --> 00:06:54,933
I don't believe it!
81
00:06:55,095 --> 00:06:57,848
I don't... You see this? Look at this!
82
00:06:58,015 --> 00:07:03,009
The house has been razed to the ground
and they're still delivering the newspapers!
83
00:07:03,175 --> 00:07:08,169
Those free newspapers they stick through
the door. Look at this. This is tonight's edition.
84
00:07:08,335 --> 00:07:10,929
This has been delivered tonight!
85
00:07:13,495 --> 00:07:18,125
- what are you looking for?
- where is it? Your fortune in the stars.
86
00:07:18,295 --> 00:07:21,367
''Virgo. You'll come back today from your holiday
87
00:07:21,535 --> 00:07:26,734
''to receive an extremely unpleasant rectal
examination from three men in peaked caps.
88
00:07:26,895 --> 00:07:30,524
''Your luggage will go missing
on the other side of the world.
89
00:07:30,695 --> 00:07:34,529
''Your house will be completely consumed
by a hideous fireball.
90
00:07:34,695 --> 00:07:40,167
''You will end up tonight freezing to death
on a demolition site dressed as the Cisco Kid.''
91
00:07:41,575 --> 00:07:46,524
Absolutely uncanny! He's hit the nail
right on the head and no mistake!
92
00:07:47,575 --> 00:07:52,410
I'll never call Russell Grant
a vacuous lump of whale blubber ever again!
93
00:07:52,575 --> 00:07:55,214
Look! what's this? Look at this!
94
00:07:56,895 --> 00:08:01,332
A free sample of HP spicy sauces!
95
00:08:02,095 --> 00:08:07,089
For God's sake, keep that bloody row down!
Haven't you got any consideration?
96
00:08:10,295 --> 00:08:14,811
- what the hell's it got to do with you?
- I'm trying to get some bloody sleep!
97
00:08:14,975 --> 00:08:20,732
I'm not getting any with you down there yakking
about rectal examinations and spicy sauces.
98
00:08:20,895 --> 00:08:23,329
Do you know what the time is?
99
00:08:23,495 --> 00:08:27,090
Time you stuck your head
down a waste disposal system!
100
00:08:27,255 --> 00:08:29,246
You'll waken the whole street!
101
00:08:29,415 --> 00:08:34,648
I have just returned home to find
my entire house burned to the ground!
102
00:08:34,815 --> 00:08:38,808
Don't I know it! I didn't get
any bloody sleep that night either!
103
00:08:38,975 --> 00:08:42,206
Fire engines and God knows what
till the early hours!
104
00:08:42,375 --> 00:08:44,570
I'm sorry they disturbed you.
105
00:08:44,735 --> 00:08:50,287
I'll ask if they mind climbing up the ladders
in their stocking feet next time. How about that?
106
00:08:50,455 --> 00:08:52,923
Put a silencer in their sirens!
107
00:08:53,095 --> 00:08:57,452
Is that him back again? Old misery guts?
I thought it was too good to last.
108
00:08:57,615 --> 00:09:01,403
Do you have to make that bleeding racket
all night long?
109
00:09:01,575 --> 00:09:06,649
If I want to make a racket, I will. If you don't
like it, you can both bloody well lump it!
110
00:09:07,855 --> 00:09:10,847
(BOTH SHOUT BACK AT ONCE)
111
00:09:18,935 --> 00:09:20,926
where are you going?
112
00:09:21,095 --> 00:09:24,531
I'm going upstairs to bed
so I can waken up in the morning
113
00:09:24,695 --> 00:09:27,289
to find out that this is all a hideous dream!
114
00:09:28,135 --> 00:09:30,330
(MARGARET STARTS TO CRY)
115
00:10:07,775 --> 00:10:11,768
Is there any need for all this packaging
with everything these days?
116
00:10:11,935 --> 00:10:14,165
Did this have the Taj Mahal in it?
117
00:10:14,335 --> 00:10:16,724
whoa! That was the food mixer.
118
00:10:16,895 --> 00:10:19,932
I'll need that to send back when it goes wrong.
119
00:10:20,095 --> 00:10:23,405
I'll erm...
I'll put it in the loft with the others.
120
00:10:26,175 --> 00:10:29,690
- (DOORBELL)
- Victor, will you answer the door?
121
00:10:37,935 --> 00:10:41,371
Ah, it is you. I thought it was.
Mr Meldrew, isn't it?
122
00:10:41,535 --> 00:10:45,164
Fancy you turning up as a neighbour!
How are you settling in?
123
00:10:45,335 --> 00:10:47,803
- I'm sorry?
- Nick Swainey.
124
00:10:47,975 --> 00:10:50,489
Outward Bound For The Elderly. Last year?
125
00:10:50,655 --> 00:10:53,123
I called round and you told me to piss off.
126
00:10:53,975 --> 00:10:56,967
Yes, I thought it was you
when I looked out the window
127
00:10:57,135 --> 00:11:00,764
and saw you kicking
that kiddy's tricycle off the front lawn.
128
00:11:00,935 --> 00:11:04,928
I said to Mother, ''He's trouble.
we'd better evacuate the street.''
129
00:11:05,095 --> 00:11:08,451
- I was just joking with you, sir.
- Oh. Right.
130
00:11:10,015 --> 00:11:13,803
- How are you?
- Just myself and Mother, who's housebound.
131
00:11:13,975 --> 00:11:17,490
But there we are.
You can't do anything about it, can you?
132
00:11:17,655 --> 00:11:21,807
To be honest, it's nice to see this place
occupied after all this time.
133
00:11:21,975 --> 00:11:26,765
Silly, isn't it? People being put off just
because of what happened in that bathroom.
134
00:11:26,935 --> 00:11:31,053
what difference does it make
what happened to old Mr Gittings up there?
135
00:11:31,215 --> 00:11:33,683
Yes, I know, it's ridic...
136
00:11:34,975 --> 00:11:38,968
what do you mean,
what happened up there to old Mr Gittings?
137
00:11:39,935 --> 00:11:41,573
Oh, erm...
138
00:11:41,735 --> 00:11:44,966
well, we don't want to dwell
on all the gory details.
139
00:11:45,135 --> 00:11:50,209
It's not a very nice subject for discussion.
I mean, razor blades and all that. Anyway...
140
00:11:50,375 --> 00:11:52,366
Razor blades?
141
00:11:52,535 --> 00:11:58,451
Talking of bathrooms, could I ask you
not to use your lavatory after 12.30 at night?
142
00:11:59,175 --> 00:12:02,406
Only it sets off a noise
like an air-raid siren our side.
143
00:12:02,575 --> 00:12:06,693
It goes right through all the pipes in our loo
for five or ten minutes.
144
00:12:06,855 --> 00:12:11,690
Oh, right. And how long would you like me
to hold my bladder till in the morning?
145
00:12:11,855 --> 00:12:16,645
will eight o'clock be OK? we'll keep
a couple of buckets on the bedside table!
146
00:12:16,815 --> 00:12:21,889
You are kind, Mr Meldrew. This came through
our door by mistake. I think it's yours.
147
00:12:22,055 --> 00:12:24,523
well, be seeing you, then, Mr Meldrew.
148
00:12:24,695 --> 00:12:28,165
If there's anything you want,
I'm only six inches away.
149
00:12:28,335 --> 00:12:30,849
How very comforting (!)
150
00:12:31,015 --> 00:12:34,485
was that our new neighbour?
You might have called me.
151
00:12:37,535 --> 00:12:43,326
''Dear Mr Beldrew, thank you for your letter
about your missing luggage and list of contents.
152
00:12:43,495 --> 00:12:46,373
''As yet we've been unable to trace these,
153
00:12:46,535 --> 00:12:49,732
''although we believe
the enclosed may belong to you.
154
00:12:49,895 --> 00:12:53,285
''Assuring you of our utmost attention
at all times.''
155
00:12:56,735 --> 00:12:59,124
- what's this?
- Let's see.
156
00:13:00,095 --> 00:13:03,770
Oh, it's your sock all right.
I recognise the darning.
157
00:13:05,535 --> 00:13:11,246
Is this it after six months scouring
the Aegean peninsula for our belongings?
158
00:13:11,415 --> 00:13:13,485
One bloody sock?!
159
00:13:16,375 --> 00:13:20,163
I'm going to the pub now.
I may be gone some time.
160
00:13:52,895 --> 00:13:54,886
(SIGHS)
161
00:14:13,255 --> 00:14:18,534
Morning, Mr Meldrew. It's a scorcher today,
isn't it? Lovely weather, I must say.
162
00:14:18,695 --> 00:14:21,368
- what's the idea of this?
- Makes it easier.
163
00:14:21,535 --> 00:14:24,766
Save all that trooping round the front all the time.
164
00:14:24,935 --> 00:14:30,487
Used to help me keep an eye on old Mr Gittings,
make sure he was OK. Up to his horrific death.
165
00:14:30,655 --> 00:14:34,967
Oh, Mother asked me to give you
some cuttings from her wandering Jew.
166
00:14:35,135 --> 00:14:39,128
They like a bright position,
but try and avoid the direct sunlight.
167
00:14:39,295 --> 00:14:44,289
- Thank you. That's very thoughtful of her.
- She's up there now. You can give her a wave.
168
00:14:47,335 --> 00:14:49,929
- I can't see anyone.
- There she is. Look.
169
00:14:51,375 --> 00:14:54,094
He says it's very nice of you, Mother!
170
00:14:55,495 --> 00:14:59,488
Anyway, I'd better dash.
I expect you'll find somewhere for them.
171
00:14:59,655 --> 00:15:03,170
- what about the bathroom? That's a thought.
- Yes, thank you.
172
00:15:04,375 --> 00:15:09,165
Bathroom? what about the bathroom?
why do you keep going on about the bathroom?
173
00:15:11,735 --> 00:15:14,727
Right! It's all free now if you want to go in.
174
00:15:15,535 --> 00:15:17,412
Er...
175
00:15:17,575 --> 00:15:20,043
Yes, I don't think I'll bother tonight.
176
00:15:21,735 --> 00:15:24,169
I've just run the water for you.
177
00:15:24,335 --> 00:15:26,974
No, I'll leave it to the morning now, I think.
178
00:15:28,935 --> 00:15:31,768
Right. How long has this got to go on for?
179
00:15:32,215 --> 00:15:34,968
- what?
- ''what?'' You!
180
00:15:35,135 --> 00:15:38,491
Too terrified to set foot
inside your own shower!
181
00:15:38,655 --> 00:15:41,647
I don't wonder people committed suicide
in this house.
182
00:15:41,815 --> 00:15:46,570
we don't know what happened
to old Mr Gittings. we've only got his word for it.
183
00:15:46,735 --> 00:15:51,286
Three times he was round today
asking if we were all right for slug pellets!
184
00:15:52,615 --> 00:15:55,049
He's got a very sinister dimple.
185
00:15:56,455 --> 00:16:01,654
what about that housebound mother he keeps
talking about? You never actually see her.
186
00:16:01,815 --> 00:16:05,888
No, I expect he's had her stuffed
and locked up in the cellar.
187
00:16:07,215 --> 00:16:12,528
I told you this would happen, didn't I? If you
stayed up to watch that Alfred Hitchcock film.
188
00:16:12,695 --> 00:16:16,210
I said it would put all sorts of stupid ideas
into your head.
189
00:16:16,375 --> 00:16:19,492
I wish you'd be told.
He's a perfectly nice young man...
190
00:16:19,655 --> 00:16:21,646
(PHONE RINGS)
191
00:16:24,935 --> 00:16:27,210
4291.
192
00:16:27,375 --> 00:16:30,128
Oh! Hello, Mr Swainey.
193
00:16:32,335 --> 00:16:37,011
Erm...yes, we did flush it
a short while ago, I'm afraid.
194
00:16:38,135 --> 00:16:40,126
Did you...?
195
00:16:41,695 --> 00:16:43,686
Oh, dear. Is it?
196
00:16:44,615 --> 00:16:49,848
Oh, no, funnily enough,
there's no noise at all our side.
197
00:16:52,215 --> 00:16:55,969
Yes. Yes. well, we'll try not to in future.
198
00:16:56,135 --> 00:16:59,889
And I'm sorry to have disturbed you. Night-night.
199
00:17:02,375 --> 00:17:06,891
I'll ring the water company in the morning,
see if they can sort it out.
200
00:17:11,175 --> 00:17:16,727
I suppose...four loaves are all right
for tomorrow for sandwiches?
201
00:17:18,735 --> 00:17:21,886
It's only 20 people. It should be enough.
202
00:17:23,575 --> 00:17:27,773
Oh, by the way, your cousin Ivor rang,
said he would try and get along.
203
00:17:27,935 --> 00:17:31,132
Perhaps he'll bring
one of his musical instruments.
204
00:17:31,295 --> 00:17:36,733
Oh, goody (!) Like he did at Auntie Vi's
funeral when he tried to play ''Abide with Me''
205
00:17:36,895 --> 00:17:40,365
and got that miniature harmonica
stuck in his throat?
206
00:17:40,535 --> 00:17:44,733
Ended up reciting the 23rd Psalm
like ''Sparky's Magic Piano''.
207
00:17:46,535 --> 00:17:48,844
Oh, cheer up!
208
00:17:49,015 --> 00:17:51,768
It'll be fun having a house-warming party.
209
00:17:51,935 --> 00:17:54,608
It'll be a real chance to enjoy ourselves.
210
00:17:59,215 --> 00:18:01,683
well, this is spiffing fun, isn't it?
211
00:18:03,855 --> 00:18:06,767
- Half past nine!
- where are you going?
212
00:18:06,935 --> 00:18:09,529
well, I thought I might just mingle, you know.
213
00:18:11,375 --> 00:18:14,572
Circulate among some
of the pilchard sandwiches.
214
00:18:14,735 --> 00:18:18,967
I definitely put 7.30 on the invitations.
I checked before I posted them.
215
00:18:19,135 --> 00:18:23,287
Eight tins of pilchards!
well, that was money well spent, wasn't it?
216
00:18:24,775 --> 00:18:28,211
They can't all be this late, surely!
217
00:18:28,375 --> 00:18:33,369
The pilchards arrived on time. They arrived
in their droves. Couldn't get here quick enough!
218
00:18:35,815 --> 00:18:38,852
Perhaps there's a traffic jam or something.
219
00:18:39,015 --> 00:18:42,007
It's not even as if either of us
likes pilchards.
220
00:18:42,175 --> 00:18:47,169
Oh, will you give over about the bloody
pilchards! I'll go out tomorrow and buy a cat!
221
00:18:51,095 --> 00:18:53,655
It's not my fault if everybody fails...
222
00:18:53,815 --> 00:18:56,204
(DOORBELL)
223
00:19:09,495 --> 00:19:11,850
where did we put that Christian Aid envelope?
224
00:19:13,255 --> 00:19:15,246
Here it is.
225
00:19:15,415 --> 00:19:20,569
Hold on, I'll see if I can squeeze
five loaves and two pilchards into it!
226
00:19:20,735 --> 00:19:22,726
Give me that!
227
00:19:35,015 --> 00:19:41,727
Your cousin Roger, is he still driving
that rust-coloured Citroën 2CV?
228
00:19:41,895 --> 00:19:45,285
Driving it? He'll probably be buried in it. why?
229
00:19:46,135 --> 00:19:48,695
It's parked outside a house down the road.
230
00:19:48,855 --> 00:19:52,291
- what?
- Just down on the corner.
231
00:20:03,655 --> 00:20:05,646
Stay here.
232
00:20:07,335 --> 00:20:10,008
(VOICES IN DISTANCE)
233
00:20:13,175 --> 00:20:15,166
(LIVELY MUSIC PLAYING)
234
00:20:25,415 --> 00:20:27,883
(BUZZ OF CONVERSATION)
235
00:20:32,455 --> 00:20:35,970
Victor, how's it going?
I haven't seen you all evening.
236
00:20:36,135 --> 00:20:40,651
You've done a great job in such a short space
of time. I was just saying to Pam.
237
00:20:40,815 --> 00:20:44,285
You've turned it into a real home.
It's a real credit to you.
238
00:20:44,455 --> 00:20:47,606
- what's going on?
- Mr Meldrew, there you are.
239
00:20:48,295 --> 00:20:52,288
I really admire what Margaret's done
with the curtains in here.
240
00:20:52,455 --> 00:20:55,208
It's a real change of style for both of you,
241
00:20:55,375 --> 00:21:00,130
when you used to always go in for
those rather drab greys and browns.
242
00:21:00,295 --> 00:21:02,490
Really freshens the place up.
243
00:21:02,655 --> 00:21:05,931
where is she?
I haven't had a chance to talk to her yet.
244
00:21:06,095 --> 00:21:11,533
what are you all doing in this house? This isn't
my house. This is somebody else's house.
245
00:21:11,695 --> 00:21:14,129
whose house is this?
246
00:21:14,295 --> 00:21:18,652
Oh, excuse me. Excuse me.
Excuse me, is this your house?
247
00:21:19,295 --> 00:21:20,774
Yes.
248
00:21:20,935 --> 00:21:26,532
This is my party. These are my guests
come for my house-warming party.
249
00:21:26,695 --> 00:21:29,687
They all brought drinks and presents for me.
250
00:21:29,855 --> 00:21:33,404
- I thought they were from the social services.
- Social ser...?
251
00:21:33,575 --> 00:21:35,964
Right, hello! Hello, everyone!
252
00:21:36,135 --> 00:21:39,047
Attention, please! Excuse me. Excuse me.
253
00:21:41,095 --> 00:21:44,610
(SwITCHES MUSIC OFF)
Could I have your attention, please?
254
00:21:44,775 --> 00:21:48,529
- There's been some sort of mistake here.
- what do you mean?
255
00:21:48,695 --> 00:21:51,732
well, you see, I don't live in this house.
256
00:21:51,895 --> 00:21:54,363
well, what did you buy it for, then?
257
00:21:54,535 --> 00:21:57,254
I bought a house round the corner.
258
00:21:57,415 --> 00:22:00,213
- why are you having a party in this one?
- what?
259
00:22:00,375 --> 00:22:05,847
why are you holding a party in somebody else's
house? Didn't want to mess up his own carpet!
260
00:22:06,015 --> 00:22:10,691
No, it's perfectly obvious you've all misread
the invitation somehow or other.
261
00:22:10,855 --> 00:22:14,848
This is No.10 Riverbank, isn't it?
That's what it says.
262
00:22:15,015 --> 00:22:18,564
- That's 19.
- That's never a 9 in a month of Sundays!
263
00:22:18,735 --> 00:22:21,727
- That's a 9.
- Nobody does their 9s like that.
264
00:22:21,895 --> 00:22:24,534
would you say that was a 9?
265
00:22:24,695 --> 00:22:29,086
That's a 9. That's a 0.
That's definitely not a 9.
266
00:22:29,255 --> 00:22:33,453
He's always had trouble with his 9s.
They come out like whirlpools.
267
00:22:33,615 --> 00:22:36,891
His Hs aren't much better. Look more like Ms.
268
00:22:37,055 --> 00:22:39,569
I thought it said ''mouse-warming party''.
269
00:22:39,735 --> 00:22:44,855
Mouse-warming? what do you mean,
mouse-warming? That's quite clearly a letter H.
270
00:22:45,015 --> 00:22:47,529
Look, it doesn't matter what it looks like.
271
00:22:47,695 --> 00:22:52,610
Can we just leave this gentleman's house
and come over to the party at my house?
272
00:22:52,775 --> 00:22:55,289
Before the Earth gets sucked into the Sun!
273
00:23:05,175 --> 00:23:07,564
I was enjoying that.
274
00:23:12,135 --> 00:23:14,649
(MURMUR OF CONVERSATION)
275
00:23:17,175 --> 00:23:19,928
Come along.
276
00:23:27,175 --> 00:23:29,814
Roger, hello. I'm sorry about this.
277
00:23:29,975 --> 00:23:33,968
Ivor, how are you?
Just go through. Help yourself to drinks.
278
00:23:34,135 --> 00:23:36,603
(TOILET FLUSHES)
279
00:23:39,175 --> 00:23:41,894
- Hello, Mr Meldrew.
- what are you doing?
280
00:23:42,055 --> 00:23:47,493
- I was just seeing if I could fix the noise.
- No, not tonight. we're trying to have a party.
281
00:23:47,655 --> 00:23:51,853
- would you like a drink?
- No, I've got to be up at six.
282
00:23:52,015 --> 00:23:54,370
Have you? Another time perhaps.
283
00:23:54,535 --> 00:23:57,003
Thanks very much for popping round.
284
00:23:57,175 --> 00:24:00,963
See you again soon, I hope.
Goodnight. Sweet dreams!
285
00:24:01,735 --> 00:24:03,214
Victor!
286
00:24:03,375 --> 00:24:08,847
They were only having our house-warming party
down in No.10! Can you believe that?
287
00:24:09,015 --> 00:24:11,893
Victor, what have you just done?
288
00:24:12,055 --> 00:24:16,571
I'm sorry. I wasn't in the mood for him tonight.
Not on top of everything else!
289
00:24:16,735 --> 00:24:18,930
This is his house!
290
00:24:23,615 --> 00:24:24,934
what?
291
00:24:25,095 --> 00:24:30,123
You have just thrown Mr Swainey
out of his own house, Victor!
292
00:24:35,735 --> 00:24:37,726
But this...
293
00:24:38,455 --> 00:24:42,448
- what are YOU doing here?
- He asked me to help put his mother to bed.
294
00:24:42,615 --> 00:24:46,893
She'd just had one of her nasty turns
and he was... I... You...
295
00:24:47,055 --> 00:24:51,014
Oh, I just don't believe you sometimes!
296
00:24:51,655 --> 00:24:53,930
Didn't you even look?
297
00:24:54,615 --> 00:24:57,129
(ROCK AND ROLL MUSIC STARTS UP)
298
00:25:05,495 --> 00:25:07,929
Er...excuse me. Hello!
299
00:25:08,095 --> 00:25:12,088
May I... May I have your...
Could I have your atten...?
300
00:25:13,255 --> 00:25:17,043
(SwITCHES MUSIC OFF)
Could I have your attention, please?
301
00:25:17,215 --> 00:25:22,209
I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you
to come with me again. I'm sorry about this.
302
00:25:22,375 --> 00:25:24,843
- You're not serious?
- whatever for?
303
00:25:25,015 --> 00:25:27,404
well, this isn't my house.
304
00:25:27,575 --> 00:25:30,567
- what?
- This isn't my house either, I'm afraid.
305
00:25:30,735 --> 00:25:35,331
I thought it was, but it isn't. So I'm afraid
I'll have to ask you to come with me.
306
00:25:35,495 --> 00:25:38,487
- (GROANING)
- I'm sorry, I know. It's not my fault.
307
00:25:38,655 --> 00:25:43,445
They all look the same, so if you'd just like
to come with me, please. Come along.
308
00:25:43,615 --> 00:25:45,810
Mrs warboys, come along.
309
00:25:48,175 --> 00:25:53,533
And it's so nice to see you all settled again
after all your trials and tribulations.
310
00:25:53,695 --> 00:25:57,654
Yes, it was fun.
Now, keep in touch. I'll give you a call.
311
00:25:57,815 --> 00:26:00,727
Drive carefully, now. Goodnight!
312
00:26:04,615 --> 00:26:07,493
well, that wasn't so bad in the end, was it?
313
00:26:10,375 --> 00:26:13,173
Eugh! I'll leave this lot till tomorrow.
314
00:26:13,335 --> 00:26:15,849
I don't know about you, but I'm whacked.
315
00:26:17,015 --> 00:26:18,528
Victor?
316
00:26:24,535 --> 00:26:26,048
Victor?
317
00:26:30,495 --> 00:26:32,008
Victor?
318
00:27:28,695 --> 00:27:31,687
25 years it took to grow that apple tree.
319
00:27:32,375 --> 00:27:35,333
I planted it in the spring of 1965.
320
00:27:36,975 --> 00:27:39,205
Feeding it, spraying it.
321
00:27:39,375 --> 00:27:43,812
Mulching the soil,
watering it through the droughts,
322
00:27:43,975 --> 00:27:48,571
giving it an annual dressing
of potash and nitrogen every January.
323
00:27:51,015 --> 00:27:53,654
Not one sodding apple!
324
00:28:00,935 --> 00:28:02,926
Come on.
325
00:28:03,095 --> 00:28:05,563
Let's go and plant another one.
326
00:28:20,495 --> 00:28:23,885
# They say I might as well face the truth
327
00:28:24,055 --> 00:28:26,967
# That I am just too long in the tooth
328
00:28:27,135 --> 00:28:30,366
# I've started to deteriorate
329
00:28:30,535 --> 00:28:33,971
# And now I've passed my own sell-by date
330
00:28:34,135 --> 00:28:37,810
# Oh, I am no spring chicken, it 's true
331
00:28:37,975 --> 00:28:41,285
# I have to pop my teeth in to chew
332
00:28:41,455 --> 00:28:44,652
# And my old knees have started to knock
333
00:28:44,815 --> 00:28:47,932
# I've just got too many miles on the clock
334
00:28:48,095 --> 00:28:51,883
# So I'm a wrinkly, crinkly, set in my ways
335
00:28:52,055 --> 00:28:55,809
# It's true that my body has seen better days
336
00:28:55,975 --> 00:28:59,490
# But give me half a chanceand I can still misbehave
337
00:28:59,655 --> 00:29:02,294
# One foot in the grave
338
00:29:02,975 --> 00:29:05,614
# One foot in the grave
339
00:29:06,615 --> 00:29:09,493
# One foot in the grave #
340
00:29:10,493 --> 00:29:20,493
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