All language subtitles for Death.to.2020.2020.1080p.NF.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.x264-MZABI

Don't be filming this for one of those
causal introductory shots, please.

This shit's demeaning.

So, what is it you guys wanna talk about?
What's this for?

It's a look back over the year.
We're reliving the events of 2020.

Why in the fuck would you wanna do that?

2020, a year so momentous
they named it twice.

A year whose story couldn't be told
until now because it was still happening.

With unprecedented access to experts…

If I keep my little assistant down here,
that's alright? Good.

Politicos…

You know you look ridiculous, right?

Powerbrokers…

- We are ready now.
- Just a second.

- Monarchs…
- Mind the chandelier.

Christ.

- Scientists…
- Wait, wait, wait.

Let me just ingest some H20.

- Psychologists…
- I'm gonna smoke.

Y'all got on masks, so what do you care?

And average citizens…

So, will this be on Quibi?

This is the definitive story
of the most historic year in history

through the eyes and minds
of those who lived it.

This… is 2020.

I mean really, why?

It's January 1st,
and on the day it is born

2020 seems like any other year.

Well, January started out as usual.

The planet was floating in space
like it normally does.

But as it began to revolve
and loom closer,

you could see there was
this immense natural disaster

happening on its backside.

Fire, a radicalized, angry form
of air and one of mankind's oldest foes,

is raging out of control,

subjecting the Australian landscape
to an extreme carbon makeover.

The scenes were appalling.

I mean it left these areas utterly
inhospitable, even to Australians.

While Australia burns,
in the snowy hell that is Switzerland,

an assortment of the world's
most powerful people and bastards

arrive at the Davos summit.

Davos is basically Coachella
for billionaires.

And this year, pretending to care about
climate change was top of the agenda,

so they had Greta Thunberg headlining.

She's this teenage girl
who's become famous

even though everything she says
is depressing.

Kind of like Billie Eilish.

Our house is still on fire.

Your inaction is fueling the flames
by the hour.

While the junior harbinger speaks,

amongst her audience of powerbrokers
is billionaire tech mogul Bark Multiverse.

We are telling you to act

as if you loved your children
above all else.

Thank you.

It was powerful.

Usually when a child is shouting for help,

it's best to ignore them
in case it's a trap.

No less a man than Jeffrey Epstein
told me that.

But this little lady's words hit home.

I realized our whole world could collapse
into chaos and disaster,

and here's me,
one of the richest people on the planet,

in a position
to actually do something about it.

As soon as she finished speaking,

I hit the phone, got my people
to buy a mountain in New Zealand,

had it hollowed out, and here we are.

In my survival bunker.

- Don't people call you selfish?
- I don't know. It's soundproof.

Meanwhile in America, President
and experimental pig-man Donald Trump

faces the 407th most historic crisis
of his presidency.

The US President,
you may have heard of him,

he's quite the character, Mr. Trump,

was facing an impeachment trial,
which is a traditional ceremony

that Americans perform to work out
whether their president has gone off.

Trump was in trouble.
What he needed was a distraction,

either something big like a goose
flying in through the window,

or something small like World War Three.

Luckily, our military had located
this Iranian general, Soleimani,

real military superstar,

the Beyoncé
of the Islamic Revolutionary Guard.

The aftermath shows an
attack that was deliberate and sustained.

So, then Trump walks out
to announce the hit.

And for fun, he does it
in the style of a children's poet

recovering from a brain trauma.

He's been called a monster,
and he was a monster.

And he's no longer a monster, he's dead.

Well, of course, the Iranians would
have preferred their chap, on the whole,

not to explode.

This almost started World War Three.

And it's only fucking January.

In the UK, everyday citizens
celebrate the countdown to Brexit-cide

and the recent installation

of newly-elected Prime Ministerial
scarecrow, Boris Johnson.

But others have little to celebrate.

My name is Her Royal Highness,

Queen Elizabeth The First part two.

For the purposes of this recording,
you may address me as "Your Majesty."

So, can you remember where
you were when you first heard the news…

Your Majesty?

Here in Buckingham Palace,

posing for a banknote portrait.

It was proving tedious,

so I turned to my portable telephone
machine for some light relief.

And there on Meghan's Instagram
was the announcement.

The Duke and Duchess of Sussex
have announced that they are carving out

what they call
"a new role" for themselves.

In a statement released
in the last few minutes,

they say they intend to step back
as senior members of the Royal Family.

That must have come
as quite a shock.

Well, of course.

And I think that's reflected
in the banknote portrait.

Sadly, I believe they felt there is
a degree of prejudice in Britain.

Which is why they moved to America,

where race has never been an issue at all.

But the year is about to be
dominated by an infinitely bigger story

emerging on the other side of the world.

Residents in Wuhan, China,
are succumbing to a mysterious illness,

which at first baffles doctors,
then doubles down by killing them.

Scientists in the West can only watch
from afar or on television,

both of which are safer.

I have studied viruses for 15 years
and consider many of them close friends.

But I have to say,
this was the most recent.

The virus itself is
an interesting specimen.

On close inspection,

it resembles a revolving alien basketball
rendered on a PlayStation 2.

Which is biologically unusual.

As to where it came from,
there is a theory it originated in bats,

although how it passed to humans
isn't clear and the bats aren't talking.

Except in ultrasonic tones
we cannot detect.

The hypothesis is a man
had intercourse with a bat

and got bat juice in his pee-pee hole,
which festered and took hold.

We have tried replicating this
in the laboratory

but with limited success because…

the bat keeps flying away.

As the outbreak worsens,

Chinese authorities quickly swing
into cover-up.

Some doctors caught the virus early on
and tried to raise the alarm.

But blowing the whistle
while you're on a ventilator?

Ah… that's a big ask.

Meanwhile,
the virus has seeped out of China,

turning surrounding areas of the map
the color of disease

and ruining a perfectly good atlas.

A full-scale medical emergency
is underway.

Nonetheless, in the West,

the average citizen
is largely unconcerned.

Yeah, I can't say I was fussed
about any of that.

Was that this year?

The pandemic? Yeah.

- How come you're talking to me about this?
- You provide human color.

Alright, even I know that's racist
and I've not done an awareness course.

No, you're an average person.
We ran a computer search,

and you're one of the five
most average people in the world.

Oh.

Thanks.

With the pandemic
firmly at the back of Western minds,

the front of Western minds is free
to focus on important matters

like the Oscars, which traditionally
celebrates Caucasian filmmakers.

This year promises to be different,
but isn't.

Yeah, those Best Picture nominees,
real rainbow coalition.

You got Marriage Story, two mopey white
people trapped in an affluent marriage.

Ford v Ferrari,
that's white guys on wheels.

Little Women, four white girls
standing on the cusp of Karenhood.

And Joker, whose lead actor
performs in whiteface,

thereby appropriating
his own cultural identity

while denying a role to a genuine clown.

Oh, and 1917, which was the year
the movie was set,

and the number of white people in it.

Oscar night, disaster strikes
for the 10,000 white hopefuls,

as a South Korean entry
makes movie history.

And the Oscar goes to…

Parasite.

Parasite?

That's not even an English word.

Actually, it is.

What?

Parasite is an English word.

Only when you say it in English.

Away from tinsel town,
Washington DC has been consumed

by real drama, Trump's impeachment trial.

The President stands accused
of pressuring a foreign power

into investigating Hunter Biden,
son of prehistoric concierge Joe Biden,

who has a chance of challenging Trump
in the November elections.

But not everyone believes
the charges have merit.

The whole impeachment thing
was baseless, OK?

So, the Democrats claim
that Trump pressured Ukraine

into digging up dirt on the Biden family,

and their only real "evidence" of that
is a transcript of him doing it.

- What did he say on the transcript?
- What transcript?

You just mentioned
a transcript.

Check your tape, I said no such thing.

You said, uh…
the only real evidence was

a transcript of Trump pressuring Ukraine…

There's no such place as Ukraine.

Yes, there… Yes, there is.

I choose to believe there is not.

The Republican-controlled
Senate votes along partisan lines.

Trump is declared not guilty and fabulous.

But this is what the end result is.

While Republicans cheer
the President for holding a newspaper,

in another political universe

the Democrats are deciding
who will take on Trump in November.

The race has narrowed to a face-off
between Civil War hero Joe Biden

and anarchist grandpa Bernie Sanders.

As you may have noticed lately,

the establishment's getting
a little bit nervous.

Well, as Super Tuesday arrives,

despite his huge early gains,

Mr. Sanders's support was shriveling,

whereas Biden appeared
to have come back from the dead.

I mean, literally,
he resembled a butler's ghost.

We are very much alive!

This was a choice
between two guys in their late seventies.

It was like being stuck on the character
selection screen in geriatric Tekken.

Bernie offered radical change,

whereas Biden reminded folks
of a more easygoing era

when you could sniff a woman's hair
without being called creepy.

I think to many Americans,
Biden is Uncle Joe.

He's been a part of their lives
for centuries.

As familiar as an old armchair
and nearly as sharp-witted.

We're gonna do this, folks!

Amiable phantom Joe Biden
seizes victory,

officially starting
the 2020 election campaign.

Yeah!

The stage is set
for an electoral showdown

between two very different Americas.

- Fuck you!
- I don't smoke.

Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you!

And the animus between
the two sides is greater than ever.

Polarization is the problem of our age.

And not just in America,
in the actual world too.

Whether the debate is over Trump or Brexit
or science or gender, God help us,

or reality itself,

no two factions can agree,

or agree to disagree,

or even agree that their disagreement
might be disagreeable.

- I'm not sure I totally agree.
- Well, then why don't you fuck off?

I would say that I'm just
a regular soccer mom, you know?

I've got the husband and the kids,

and a cat and a dog,
and just the whole darn show.

Uh, no, I wouldn't describe
myself as a big internet person, no.

I mean, I only use Facebook and WhatsApp.

And Instagram and Twitter and YouTube.

Oh, and Google.

In fact, that's how I discovered
the Ivory Fist message board.

Look,
things wasn't always this way.

I've studied human behavior
long enough to get sick of it.

You gotta remember, most folks
are still neighborly, Ned Flanders.

Unfuckably nice.

But right now,
the edges are rougher than ever.

On the right, you got shit-nose extremists
wondering aloud whether Hitler was all bad

and inventing
their own clown house reality.

And on the left,
you got fucking whiney woke-lords

cancelling the shit out of anyone

who dares to take a dump
at the wrong time of the day.

And both sides,

both sides look so unhappy
it makes you wanna puke.

But the way it's going, you know we
gonna end up on one side or the other.

So, pick your fucking team
and hunker the fuck down.

Throughout 2020,
the gods of Silicon Valley stand accused

of allowing their products to split
the world into two warring factions.

Uh… actually, it's more like
four warring factions.

We prefer to call it a hate spectrum.
That's the official term.

Right now, it takes about
six months' exposure to social media

for the average person
to become hopelessly radicalized.

I know, right. We're hoping
to get that down to five minutes.

Mmm.

Now, of course, all this division,

all this intractable conflict,

was tearing humankind asunder
at the worst possible time.

Because, of course, at the very moment

that we were preoccupied
with fighting each other,

the coronavirus was steadily
bearing down upon us.

Now, those who've closely studied
the history books,

such as myself,

knew that this was strongly reminiscent
of the time the White Walkers

led their "army of the dead"
towards the warring factions of Westeros.

So, you mean
like in Game of Thrones?

No, no. I am discussing history.

I'm pretty sure that was Game of Thrones.

Well, I'm pretty sure
that I am the historian here.

Cut to a map or something.

As this map we've cut to
makes clear,

the coronavirus is indeed spreading
at an alarming pace.

Yet even as it inches towards them,
millions persist in everyday activities.

We saw the news.

They made it clear that the virus
was coming and it was gonna be bad.

But a lot of us didn't wanna know.

And why do you think that is?

I don't know, denial, disbelief.

Or because, in my professional opinion,
we're fucking imbeciles.

That's the title of my next book
by the way.

In a desperate bid
for attention,

the virus infects
beloved Hollywood everyman

and occasional CGI Cowboy, Tom Hanks,

providing news networks
with an irresistible celebrity angle

to the otherwise boring deadly pandemic.

We think of Tom Hanks
as a positive kind of guy,

not a guy who tests positive.

He was battling the virus
for two whole weeks.

Ah, being a leading man,
he won in the end, of course.

I rather doubt that he'd have accepted
the role if he hadn't.

It showed the virus
could also pass from humans to icons,

which raised the possibility
that it might one day infect God.

And God is older than the universe,

which puts him in a high-risk category.

Fear rocks Wall Street

with the stock market shitting ten billion
coins out of its economic anus.

On the bell, on the bell!
FIS on the bell!

As cold reality sets in,
there's a run on the supermarkets.

Around the world,
panic-buyers empty shelves

faster than panic-stockers
can refill them.

It is a full-blown crisis.

Government buildings
wonder how to respond.

With cases surging,
Italy introduces a lockdown.

Other European governments
contemplate following suit.

And yet, around the same time in London,

Prime Minister and haystack Boris Johnson

decides that since Britain
is no longer part of Europe,

it can safely ignore the warnings.

He encourages those
who haven't already died

to go about their business as usual,
but with a greater emphasis on hygiene.

The single most useful thing
that we can all do

to stop the spread of coronavirus
is to wash our hands.

That was weird.
One minute he was doing a soap ad about

how important it was
to keep your hands clean

and the next he was boasting about
how he didn't care what he did with them.

I was at a hospital the other night

where I think there were actually
a few coronavirus patients,

and I shook hands with everybody.

Totally put me off using hands whatsoever.

So, I started doing absolutely everything
with my elbows instead.

And it was shortly after that
my boyfriend left.

America also seems
underprepared.

New York is hit hard.

At a series of daily briefings,

Governor Andrew Cuomo desperately pleads
for medical supplies.

Where are the ventilators?

Where are the gowns, where's the PPEs,
where are the masks, where are they?

Sadly, he has failed to notice
they are piled up behind him.

Across the USA, supplies of masks,
which, unlike guns,

cannot be cheaply
and easily manufactured, run low,

while critics describe
the lack of ventilators as "breathtaking."

It felt like the government
wasn't taking the coronavirus seriously.

Maybe because there were still folks
out there comparing it to the flu,

which is like comparing Uruguay
to a banana.

And one of those folks was the President.

Trump seemed to feel
that the virus was one of those things

that goes away if you ignore it,
like a wasp or a wife.

We're prepared, we're doing a great job
with it. It will go away, just stay calm.

In March, the President said
the pandemic would simply "go away."

OK, see…
This is what the media does.

You lie, fabricate, fantasize.

The president never said that.

It will go away. Stay calm.
We want to protect our shipping industry.

OK, I know this doesn't fit
with your agenda, but this never happened.

But the pandemic does
the opposite of going away,

as do the negative headlines.

Trump needs to reassure the public.

He hits the airwaves,
huddled tightly with close advisors.

So, I'm glad to see that you're practicing
social distancing, that looks very nice.

By the end of March,

lockdowns have been rolled out
right across the planet,

making them
the most successful global franchise

since the Marvel cinematic universe.

In major cities, with clubs, bars,
and restaurants shuttered,

everyday communal life
comes to a screeching halt.

Human beings are social animals,

so shutting down social interactions
goes against our instinct.

I mean for most folks, not me!

I fucking hate people.

My God, it was bliss.

Well, the lockdown
was absolutely transformative.

It was as though

time itself

stood still.

Life suddenly suspended in amber.

Birds frozen in place in midair.

The planet quite literally
stopped revolving.

It was so quiet

you could actually hear yourself think.

I expect.

Workplaces and everyday
businesses are forced to close.

Particularly hard hit,
workers in the gig economy,

millennials who often work
more than one job at a time.

I can put my legs up and stuff,
that's OK if I have my feet up?

I don't want my feet to fall, so…

Yeah, my name's Duke Goolies.

I'm a content provider.

And I'm a barman slash mixologist.

Yeah, it's definitely been challenging.
Uh…

Listen, I don't want to be Mr. Mansplain,
but I kind of saw this coming

because I was following coronavirus
back before…

you know, pre-Wuhan days
when it was still inside of bats.

I work a lot of jobs.

In the lockdown, I've had to reposition
them to work on Zoom, you know.

Like, I DJ at gender-neutral
gender reveal parties.

Really important.

Um…

I work as a life coach.

Amy, you can. OK, A…?

Amy! Believe in yourself, OK? You can!

Just shut up!

The other area of growth for me has been
providing online content-tainment.

The theaters are shut, so you can't see
your James Bonds or your Trolls 2.

And the only film that did come out

was about time being an endless loop,
which we all know now anyways.

So, my YouTube channel
has gone total fuckbusters.

Especially with the reaction videos
where I react to 2020.

Guys, this literally looks like
Armageddon, we're living through it.

Awesome, oh my gosh,
maybe like the bad version of awesome.

Shittifying, fuckawfulicious.
I don't know!

Oh, my God.
Don't forget to like and subscribe.

They do crazy numbers. I mean, yeah,
there's so much material all year.

Look at this man!

He looks like a heap of balls!

Never-ending.

That's a big blast. Whoa.

Whoa! Oh!

I learned there's a lot of money
in creating streaming content.

How much
did you make this year?

I wanna say…

like 16 million dollars.

Meanwhile, in Britain,
in a bid to raise the country's spirits,

the Queen prepares to deliver
a unifying speech.

The monarch only addresses the nation
on special occasions,

such as Christmas or the end of the world,
so this was a huge moment.

Good evening, people of Earth.

I speak to you at a time
of grave national crisis.

Her Majesty rather successfully,
I thought, evoked the spirit of the Blitz,

when Nazi bombs rained down nightly,

obliterating streets and homes
and families on the ground.

The kind of patriotic imagery
that we find so comforting.

Defeating this enemy requires us
to bravely cower indoors.

In addition to television,

this was the first time

one of one's speeches
was carried live on YouTube.

And did that affect
the content at all?

Of course not.

We will meet again.

Now, smash that "Like" button
and don't forget to subscribe.

Also, click here to check out
my official regal merch.

But moments after her Majesty
delivers these stirring words,

the mood darkens.

Tonight at ten, the Prime Minister Boris
Johnson has been taken to intensive care

as he suffers the effects of coronavirus.

With the Brexit PM
in a critical condition,

52 % of the nation holds its breath.

There was a real fear
that at a time of national crisis

the Prime Minister
might have to be replaced

by someone less qualified than him.

Which would be impossible.

Unless they were drawing up plans
to replace him

with a sock or a balloon or something.

Just as the Prime Minister
might exit the realm of the living,

a process known as Prexit,

hospital staff nurse him back to health,

and weeks later he's back on the job.

Incredibly, the virus didn't seem
to have affected his abilities in any way.

He still didn't have any.

News of Johnson's illness
proves that world leaders

aren't naturally immune,

yet some seem unwilling
to take precautions.

Trump refused
to wear a mask for a long time.

If someone told him white hoods
protected against the virus,

maybe he'd have felt differently.

Egged on by the President,
some citizens also refuse to toe the line.

Whoa! I thought I heard a voice.

I thought I heard some Americans!

In several states,
protestors take to the streets,

demanding their constitutional right
to spread the deadly virus.

The online rumor mill is working overtime.

When this whole thing started, um,

there were so many wild rumors
flying around.

So, I would watch Dr. Fauci
to get an anchor

on what was actually happening, you know?

And, um… even though it was so scary,
I found it really reassuring

um, to watch someone
who is so accomplished

calmly laying out the science.

Um… but that was before I knew
he was an actor. Yeah.

And…
how did you come to learn that?

Well, someone from my PTA WhatsApp group
shared a link to a documentary

which proves that George Soros
created the virus in a Chinese lab

so that Bill Gates could make
a vaccine out of microchips

and control us all
like we're in a videogame.

And I know, I know that sounds crazy,

but the thing is,
we've seen him do this before.

Right? Like when he crossed
a human with a paperclip

and made that poor tormented monster
that haunted Windows 98.

Of course, it wasn't surprising
that some folk were confused

about the biology of this whole thing,
given the President seemed to be saying

it could be cured with a kind of
sunlight-and-bleach wonder diet.

Right, and then I see the disinfectant,

where it knocks it out in a minute,
one minute,

and is there a way we can do
something like that?

The remarks confuse
the President's own medical advisors,

who visibly try to clamber
deep within their own souls to die.

I guess if you could collapse
the past three and a half years of madness

- into one clip--
- That would be it.

As May draws to a close,
for the first time in months,

the coronavirus pandemic
is knocked from the headlines

of every news network
by a different story altogether,

one that also makes for grim viewing.

The FBI is looking into the death
of a black man

after he was stopped by police
in Minneapolis.

The incident was caught on camera.

George Floyd died in police custody

after an officer pressed his knee into
Floyd's neck for at least seven minutes.

Some people,
including the Minneapolis mayor,

are already saying
the police used excessive force.

Today, the mayor
called it "wrong at every level."

What we saw was horrible.

Fact is, those officers

didn't see George Floyd as a human being,

but the world did.

Tonight the outrage
in Minneapolis is mounting,

even after four officers were fired.

Was it enough for you
that the officers were fired?

That is not enough. That is not enough.

The police have interesting priorities.

When George Floyd, one black guy,

tried, allegedly, to pass
one fake $20 bill in a liquor store,

he had four cops on his ass
within minutes.

And they killed him.

Know how long it took
the same police department

to arrest the prime suspects in that case?

Four days.

And they had that shit on tape!

Did they think that was counterfeit too?

The George Floyd tragedy
is merely the latest

in a long series of police killings
of black people,

and it comes as a final straw.

In increasing numbers,

protestors take to the streets
to give voice to their anger.

People said, "It's dangerous
to gather in crowds like that.

What about the pandemic?"

But, you know, in some ways
I prefer the coronavirus to the police.

And don't get me wrong,
I fucking hate the virus,

but at least it doesn't pretend
it's here to help.

It doesn't drive around the neighborhood

with "Protect and Serve"
painted on its side before it kills you.

What happened
with George Floyd disgusted everybody.

But it didn't surprise black people.

We've always known
what cops are capable of.

But today, bystanders got
a camera on their phones

so now everybody gets to see it.

And honestly?

That ought to be the number one
sales feature for the iPhone.

Fuck your "Megapixel Display."

How about put "Exposes Police Brutality"
on the box?

Over the following days

as tensions escalate
and police and protestors face off,

some of the demonstrations turn violent.

The President skillfully placates
the situation

with some soothing incendiary comments.

And in Washington,
he orders peaceful demonstrators

to be gently dispersed
with some courteous state violence.

Trump got riot police

with tear gas and rubber bullets
to clear the protesters

so he could pose for a photo
in front of St. John's Church.

Because, you know,
when you live in a city,

you never get to appreciate it
and do the touristy things.

Trump's gracious,
Christ-like diplomacy fails

and violence continues to flare up.

There was
so much anger expressed

and emotions were running super high,

so of course
there was going to be trouble.

But… the sensible thing to do

would have been to wait at home

um… until everyone had just calmed down
and the whole thing had blown over,

and then you go out and protest
in a, um… calm and orderly manner.

Um… I would have been the first
to support that,

unless it was on a Tuesday
because that's my Peloton class.

But instead what was happening
just looked like all-out anarchy to me.

Um… and believe me, I, uh…
I know criminal behavior when I see it.

Whether it's someone breaking a window
or a black man sitting in a car.

Wasn't there a video of you

haranguing a black man sitting in a car
that went viral this year?

And I'm telling you this is my car.

Well, then I'm sure you'll prove that
with some ID. Yeah.

First of all, I…
I wasn't haranguing.

I was politely enquiring,
for less than an hour.

So, that was the only time
you did something like that this year?

Um… there was an incident at a pool.

- Give it back!
- Do you have a receipt?

I need to see a receipt.

Uh… there was an incident up in the hills.

I'm painting a watercolor!

The way that you're wielding
that paintbrush is very unsettling to me.

And at the hospital.

Sweetie, are you absolutely sure
that this is your dialysis machine?

- Mommy, the crazy lady's back.
- I was just asking. I'm allowed to ask.

I don't know why people
are so quick to judge.

Is he with you?

That's Mike.
He's been here all day.

By now, the protests
have gone international,

with a rallying cry
reverberating across the globe.

- Black Lives Matter!
- Black Lives Matter!

Black Lives Matter.

Well… no reasonable person
could disagree with that,

but I would prefer to say,
"All lives matter."

I think the point is they're
currently treated like they don't matter.

All lives? I don't think so.

No, black lives.

Oh, those.

I'm sorry, what about them?

- They matter.
- More than all lives?

- Now who's being a racist?
- I didn't call you a racist.

You are. You are just about to label me
a bigot, just like my daughter.

And her friends, and my son,
and his friends.

And my wife.

And her friends.

And my friends.

You can't say anything these days.

Next, the spotlight falls upon
the relics of an intolerant past.

In Bristol, England, protestors surround
slave trader and statue Edward Colston

and drag him
from the safety of his plinth.

Look, these people are trying
to destroy history.

What if by tearing
these statues down

they're actually making history?

Shut up and move on.

They threw him in the sea,
which is cruel.

They might have killed him.

Can statues breathe underwater?

No, they don't breathe at all.

OK, so he probably swam to safety.

You had corporations
going woke too,

asking themselves
how can they support black people

without actually paying them.

Demonstrating their sensitivity

by rebranding Ku Klux Krunchies
as Rosa Parks Puffs,

and so on.

I'm proud to say as a corporation
we stepped up in several bold ways.

We rolled out an update
that replaced our virtual assistants

with the personality of Malcolm X.

Malcolm, could you play
the best of ZZ Top?

I will neither follow
your orders nor recognize your authority.

But perhaps our biggest gesture
was the whole Boris Johnson thing.

We've had great ties with UK government

since we delivered the Brexit vote
for them.

And they'd reached out
looking for a gesture to show

Britain had shrugged off
its colonial past,

which was a little slave-tradey.

So, we had them trial our body swap tech.

This is the first time the soul
of a British Prime Minister

has been transferred
into the body of a black man.

And it worked.

Today,
I stand before you as a proud black man,

a thrusting, living symbol
of vibrant modern Britain.

I will now take questions.

- Yes, the lady with her hand up?
- You're not from round here, are you?

Have you got a receipt
for that suit?

- Well, not a receipt per se--
- Officer, arrest this man!

When I say worked,
I mean temporarily, you know,

We had to revert Johnson back into his
natural form so he could continue ruling

from a position of safe,
familiar white incompetence.

Some white individuals
begin to ask

whether they're doing enough personally.

Well, I consider myself an ally.

You know, but I looked within,
I felt I could make some changes.

So, I started small,
posting the black squares on Insta.

I swapped to only using
black emojis for texts.

I sent a lot of friend requests
to black people.

And I even learned
how to pronounce their names.

Even if it was difficult.

A-de-fo-la-ke.

A-de-fo-la-ke.

Hmm, beautiful.

And then I thought, listen, look.
I know I care,

but do enough other people
know that I care?

I realized I should up my game,
so I posted a video about it.

And so I guess in a way,
I'm black too, maybe…

maybe more than anyone.

That caught some likes,
so we did a follow-up

where I drove around a black neighborhood
to let them hear my support in person.

Guys, I just want to say, right now,
I'm with you.

I hear you. I see you. I am you.

And this wasn't just some quick
little gesture, we kept it up till 2 a.m.

That's how committed we were.

Friends of color, I stand by you.
I feel your pain.

- Go the fuck home!
- Oh shit, drive. Drive. Go, go, go!

There's just no pleasing some people.

All the while,
the pandemic is raging out of control

and there is disagreement
on how to respond.

Some believe the only way out
is to achieve herd immunity.

Herd immunity occurs

when almost everybody
has been exposed to something,

but gotten over it,
so it quickly dies out.

Just like what happened with the Floss.

Sorry, the… the what?

You know…

Others want to wait
for a miracle cure,

but any potential vaccine faces
a lengthy uphill climb,

a challenging maneuver for any liquid.

Well, vaccines go through
a lengthy approval process.

They start with the preliminary trials
using a limited number of volunteers

in which we are monitoring the level
of proteins known as antibodies generated.

It is called a blind trial

because around half the volunteers
are given a placebo, which means…

Sorry. Sorry, why are you showing
footage of whatever that is?

I'm still speaking. Is that relevant?

Yeah, sorry. We're just trying to keep it
visually interesting. Ignore us. Carry on.

No, OK. No problem, OK.

So, once the initial trial is complete,
the second trial begins.

This is less to do with efficacy
because during the second trial

there's a tricky balance
you are trying to maintain

between monitoring
the serological response and how that…

What's going on? That's got
nothing to do with this. This…

I'm talking here.

Just… just ignore it, OK.
It's just texture.

Are you guys actually interested
in the science?

Um… to be honest… no.

Oh.

With no cure
for Covid in sight,

life for millions has been reduced
to a creepy new normal

and a seemingly endless series
of lockdowns.

I live on my own
and after a while I got so lonely

I developed a multiple personality
disorder on purpose

so I could keep myself company.

But then, of course, I had to try and keep

two meters away from myself at all times.

Don't know if you've ever tried doing that
but it's a bloody nightmare.

So, I started doing video calls
to keep sociable.

- Hiya, you alright?
- No, is what it is, innit?

I did so many
I sometimes glitch in real life now.

Like, I just freeze now and then, like…

Can you hear me your end?

Like defecating and sobbing,
video calls become part of everyday life,

which means for some, business is booming.

Early on, we ran some numbers and realized

that around 20 % of our customer base
might die of the virus.

But the surviving 80 %
would increase their reliance

on our videoconferencing products
200 fold,

so that was a huge win for us.

A huge but sad win.

In desperation,

millions turn to award-winning
streaming service Netflix

for entertainment.

One spent a lot of time at Windsor
watching Netflix.

Do you find that you spend most
of your time browsing the home page?

No. No, my footman does that for me.

I watched so much dumb shit.

You see Floor is Lava,
fire and brimstone, the game show?

- Don't…
- No!

Fall…

In…

- The…
- Ah!

…Lava!

You know they filmed that last year,
because in 2020

people wouldn't even be bothering
to try to escape the lava.

They'd be lining up
to willingly throw themselves in,

pausing only to kick their kids in first.

Maybe that's season two.

My favorite program
has to be The Crown.

It's refreshing to see
a down-to-earth drama

about everyday people
living ordinary lives.

It's the sort of thing
that gives the little people hope.

Some say The Crown is unrealistic,

but it strikes me as a far more
faithful depiction of the monarchy

than their other regal drama, Tiger King.

You can guaran-goddamn-tee
I'm gonna put a cap in your ass

the first time
to make you squirm around on the ground.

Then I'm gonna put a bullet
between your fucking eyes.

That man is from no royal line
I recognize.

Harry and Meghan have
a Netflix deal.

Harry and who-an?

- Harry and Meghan.
- Who-ey and who-an?

Back in the real world,
with America facing crises on every front,

criticism of the President is mounting.

Also, there were questions
about his fitness to govern,

in part because of the way he had to
drink a glass of water using both hands,

but mainly because of
everything else he did.

To boost support,
Trump announces a series of rallies.

We've had a tremendous run at rallies.
I don't think there's been an empty seat.

But despite a surge
in ticket requests,

an event in Oklahoma is mainly attended
by people who aren't there.

As the media makes clear,

heartless users of the social media
platform TikTok are to blame.

TikTokers said
they intentionally sabotaged the event

by registering en masse
with no intention of showing up,

and they spread the word via TikTok.

Republicans claim social media

is actively trying to suppress
an unreasonable conservative agenda.

I'll cut to the chase,
Big Tech is out to get conservatives.

That's not a suspicion,
that's not a hunch. That's a fact.

The fact, which doesn't care
about your feelings,

is that online and in the media

conservative voices are being silenced.

I've said this before.
I said it on my YouTube channel.

Conservative voices are being silenced.

I said it on Joe Rogan.

Conservative voices are being silenced.

On the Jordan Peterson Kayak podcast.

Conservative voices are being silenced.

I said it on Tucker Carlson.

Tucker, we know Conservative voices
are being silenced.

Twice actually.

Like I said last time, Tucker,
Conservative voices are being silenced.

That is exactly right.

And I said it
in my New York Times bestseller,

Conservative Voices Are Being Silenced.

It's a point I have to make over and over

because Conservative voices
are being silenced.

- In fact, you won't even use this footage.
- Actually, we will.

Bob, we both know
that's not going to happen.

- Yeah, my name is James.
- Whatever, Bob.

On the opposite side
of the political divide,

the husk of Joe Biden
is encountering setbacks.

He is the oldest presidential candidate
since records began,

200 years after he was born,

and questions are asked
about his longevity.

Biden is clearly diminished.

All men and women were created by the…
Go, you know the thing.

He seemed kind of frail.

Never mind the virus,

there were times it looked like
a stiff breeze might be too much for him.

So, he stayed in his basement,
running a virtual campaign.

Which is like a real campaign
that never really happens.

So, welcome, everybody,
to our first virtual happy hour.

He might as well have been
in witness protection.

But there came a time
he had to venture out.

His team were clearly extremely cautious.

Whenever he met the public,
they made him sit some distance away

so he couldn't face further allegations
of inappropriate touching.

And they prevented verbal gaffes

by keeping him physically gagged
at all times.

Biden also hosts
COVID-safe drive-in rallies,

attended by handfuls of enthusiastic cars,

in which he channels the vibrant energy
of an old man yelling at traffic.

And we should have no tolerance

for extremist white supremacist groups
marching in our communities.

But his campaign gets a shot
in the arm as he picks his running mate.

Now let me introduce to you,
for the first time,

your next Vice President
of the United States,

Kamala Harris.

Kamala, the floor is yours.

At 55, Harris is less
than a quarter of Biden's age.

She is the first African American

and South Asian American
vice presidential candidate,

and, therefore, alongside Donald Trump

is the second person of color
on the 2020 ballot.

We're all in this fight.

You, me and Joe, together.

Well, previously,
Biden and Harris hadn't got on.

She'd clashed with Biden at the primaries.

Do you agree today that you were wrong
to oppose busing in America?

And last year said that she believed
the women who accused him of impropriety.

Now, all that was forgiven.

Although their relationship
did appear a little standoffish.

And, of course, if they won,

she'd be president
in the event of Biden's death.

Assuming anyone noticed.

Biden's campaign
is reenergized,

but the American story is about to take
an unexpected turn

as the world looks on.

Having another lockdown
was really annoying

because I'd watched literally
all of Netflix during the first lockdown.

But then I got into this show called
America, which was amazing.

Have you seen it?
It's on the news channel.

It's totally mental.

Just one twist after another.

They had this sort
of election fight happening

between a bloke who looked
like a ticket inspector on a ghost train

and an inflatable orange maniac who
didn't seem to be dealing with the plague.

We have so much testing,

I don't think you need that kind
of testing or that much testing,

but some people disagree with me
and some people agree with me.

Everybody hated everybody else,
and the whole country was on fire.

Not just the forests
but the towns and cities.

The only thing that wasn't on fire
was the fucking sea

and that was probably thinking about it.

As if all that wasn't enough,

they dropped in an unexpected twist
involving a beloved character.

This is a Fox News alert.

US Supreme Court Justice
Ruth Bader Ginsburg

has died at the age of 87.

Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg
was a feminist icon and trailblazer

who fought for abortion rights,

gender equality, and a 600-mile
gas pipeline through indigenous land.

RBG's dying wish was that she
wouldn't be replaced on the Supreme Court

until the next president was sworn in.

But that dying wish died with her.

Breaking tonight, Fox News has confirmed

President Trump will nominate
Amy Coney Barrett

as the next Supreme Court Justice.

As Fox News made
bombastically clear,

Trump selected Amy Coney Barrett,
a devout Catholic

who claims a legal career is
"a means to an end of serving God."

God was unavailable for comment.

Amy Coney Barrett stands for everything
RBG was against, everything!

She's so pro-life, I got a theory.

She's secretly bankrolled
by the wire hanger industry.

September 26th,

and The White House throws
a ceremony in the Rose Garden,

announcing Coney Barrett's nomination.

It is a roll call of the great and good
and soon to be infected.

Most of the president's inner circle
was there,

although the most significant attendee
was the novel coronavirus,

silently mingling among the guests,

particularly the ones
who didn't believe in it yet.

But in the following days, the
President is beset by other distractions.

The New York Times uncovers
his tax returns,

revealing that, like all top businessmen,
he has made no money in years.

September 29th, and the first presidential
debate makes for illuminating television.

I'm Chris Wallace of Fox News,

and I welcome you to the first
of the 2020 presidential debates.

Trump comes out
just like regular Trump, grouchy,

like something was eating him up
on the inside.

Which of course we now know it was.

While Biden's just trying to look alive.

And then the debate started

and straightaway it was
like a rap battle in a senior home.

But worse.

- The question is…
- The new Supreme Court Justice…

- …the radical left.
- Will you shut up, man.

I'd say it was a train wreck
and a shitshow,

but that would be unfair
to trains and shit.

Well, it's incredible, really.

73 million Americans witnessing a debate
as intellectually stimulating

as watching two pigeons fight
over a piece of bread in a car lot.

A key moment comes
when Trump is asked

to condemn white supremacists
and fumbles the response.

What do you wanna call them?

- Who would you like me to condemn?
- The Proud Boys.

Proud Boys, stand back and stand by.

He told those guys to stand by.

That's not disavowing.

That's pumping a fucking shotgun.

Following the debate,
the only positive news for Trump

is his coronavirus test result,

which prompts negative blanket coverage.

It starts with breaking news…

Breaking news, President Trump
has tested positive for coronavirus.

It is extraordinary
on many different levels.

No one saw that coming.

Oh, let me rephrase that.

Everyone saw that coming.

We just didn't believe
it'd actually happen.

Well then, of course, the people
surrounding him all start falling ill.

Even Melania, who'd been
socially distancing from him

for the past four years.

The President didn't exactly
take precautions, did he?

Sorry, are you saying this was his fault?

Well, he rarely wore a mask.

Didn't wear a mask?

Are you saying because of the way
he was dressed he was asking for it?

Because that, my friend, is victim blaming
and you should hang your head in shame.

As an overweight
74-year-old male, Trump is at low risk

of appearing on the cover
of Sports Illustrated's Swimsuit issue.

But at high-risk from coronavirus.

As his condition worsens,

he's transported to Walter Reed Hospital

and the world holds its breath.

It was actually a moment
of national unity.

Whatever their political alliance,
everyone in America was praying that day.

For different outcomes.

So, the President
is in a military hospital

getting injected
with an experimental antibody treatment.

By now, I'm thinking
this storyline's far-fetched,

but I'm well into this,
I'm bingeing the shit out of it.

Well-wishers outside
the hospital show their support

and are rewarded when the President
commandeers a Secret Service vehicle

to perform the most dangerous drive-by

since the final moments of Tupac Shakur.

Then there was this mental bit
where he flew back to the White House

and stood on the balcony
and took his mask off

so we'd know it was actually him
and not a beautiful woman in disguise.

Then he proved
both his thumbs still worked.

Thank God.

And he saluted a helicopter,

which couldn't see him
because it was flying away.

The production values
were through the roof.

It looked like the final shot
in the season finale of America.

So, I was quite surprised
when the country kept going after that.

It was quite remarkable really,

one of the most iconic moments in history
that any of us will live through,

but also deeply profoundly stupid.

The history books covering this period
will have to be written in crayon.

By a dog.

I stood out front, I led.

Nobody that's a leader
would not do what I did.

And I know there's a risk,
there's a danger, but that's OK.

And now I'm better and maybe I'm immune,
I don't know.

Despite his ordeal,

Trump seems to have gained little sympathy
from the US public

and is cratering in the polls.

Right about now, it looked like Trump
needed some kind of October surprise

to wipe the smile off Biden's skull.

In a bombshell report,

Hunter Biden is accused of introducing
his father to a Ukrainian businessman.

You said Ukraine didn't exist.

That's not relevant.

What is relevant is the total silence
from the mainstream media.

No-one was asking
about Hunter Biden anywhere.

It's like I said on Joe Rogan.

What about Hunter Biden?

And on Tucker Carlson…

What about Hunter Biden?

More than once.

What about Hunter Biden?

Let's hope that evidence
arrives in the mail.

That is exactly right.

And I said it in my New York Times
bestseller, What About Hunter Biden?

- What about Hunter Biden?
- You don't even want to ask about it!

As the crucial day nears,
other factors make 2020's election

as unpredictable
as an ape with a hockey stick.

The pandemic forces states
to introduce widespread postal voting,

dragging the US electoral system
into the 19th century.

Trump supporters were gonna vote
in person on election day

because they weren't afraid of the virus.

Or fascism.

Covid-cautious Democrats
were more likely to vote by post

from the comfort
of their liberal elitist homes,

wearing a mask and swabbing the pencil
down with bleach when they'd finished.

Advance in-person voting
also explodes.

Lines stretch for miles as Americans
wait for a go on their democracy.

It was so inspiring to see
so many Americans voting. Um…

Yeah, and there was a pretty big, uh…

black vote too, which I think is so great!

And I mean, obviously,
I have no problem with that

as long as everyone has proper ID
with a current street address

and they keep their hands in the air.
Yeah!

Good morning, America.
Election day 2020.

The big day arrives,

and as the media frantically promotes
the last election in human history,

early fears of violent clashes
at polling stations melt away

in the face of familiar tedious scenes
of long lines and paperwork.

From MSNBC,
Decision 2020.

That was when the whole program
suddenly turned

into a really complicated
game show format.

Sort of based on an election.

Basically, they had this map of America

that's blue around the edges
and red in the middle.

And to win the election, the players
have to flip the states over one by one

to see if they're a different color
on the other side.

Election night doesn't begin until we flip
a red state blue or a blue state red.

They're worth different amounts.
Like, Florida is worth 29 points

even though it's got fewer letters
in its name than Tennessee.

It was so confusing, they kept
explaining the rules over and over.

If he does not pull off a Hail Mary pass
and win Wisconsin,

win Michigan or flip any
of those Hilary Clinton states,

then he's gotta go five for five
in these states.

The whole broadcast
was literally days long

and they never seemed to get
to the fun bit where contestants buzz in.

It's the most boring game show ever.

No wonder they only broadcast it
once every four years.

As election night ends
without an official victor,

all eyes turn to the crucial state
of Pennsylvania,

where Trump has been on a winning streak.

Until officials stubbornly insist
on counting Biden's votes too.

Trump calls foul.

On live television, he attempts to beat
Nixon's world record

for Presidential bullshit.

We were getting ready
to win this election.

Frankly, we did win this election.

We did win this election.

The President demands an end to
democracy and so do some of his followers.

Stop the count!

There appeared to be swathes
of Trump supporters protesting.

But we don't know how many because
they refused to let anyone count them.

Stop the count! Stop the count!

With the counting lasting days,

the networks are reluctant
to make an official call.

National fingernail supplies
are chewed dangerously low.

This election was a done deal
on night one.

But it didn't feel like it because
of the way the count was happening.

Pennsylvania and Georgia
were counting mail-in ballots last,

even though those had been
the first to arrive.

So, the narrative that Biden
was slowly inching to the finish line

was really just a story
being told backwards.

When you watch Jaws backwards,

it's the story of a shark that spits
panicking white people into the sea.

Different movie.

Finally, as Trump's
hunchbacked lab assistant Rudy Giuliani

addresses the media
from the prestigious car lot

of Four Seasons Total Landscaping,

a call is made.

Who was it called by?

Oh… Oh, my goodness! All the networks!

Wow!

All the networks!

CNN projects Joseph R. Biden Junior

is elected the 46th President
of the United States.

I'll never forget where I was
when I heard Biden had won.

Staring at the news
on a Saturday afternoon

or maybe a Sunday night.

I don't know. The whole week's a blur.

But, oh God, the sheer sense of relief

was like finally taking a dump
after a long flight.

And I mean that in every sense
because I actually had tears in my eyes.

In major cities, libtards
and snowflakes mince into the streets

to celebrate Biden's victory

with an outpouring of hope, joy,
and coronaviral droplets.

Well, the last time I witnessed
a celebration on that scale was in 1983

on the forest moon of Endor,
when the Empire was defeated.

Yeah,
that's Return of the Jedi. It's a movie.

A Star Wars, you know.

Well, excuse me, but I was there.

I was there.
Me, and those dear little bear people.

And we had a lovely time.

As night falls,
President-Elect and keen jogger Joe Biden

delivers a victory speech.

After four years of Trump's
inflammatory half sentences,

progressives draw comfort from Biden's
dull but coherent message of hope.

I pledge to be a President

who seeks not to divide but unify.

Biden's message
was that Americans have

more that unites us than divides us.

Even though we were still counting
millions of pieces of paper

that proved we're completely different.

And we couldn't even agree
on the outcome of that.

Well, traditionally by now,
the loser would congratulate the victor,

but Mr. Trump doesn't know
the meaning of the word "concede,"

and he was furious when they told him.

The President is not alone
in besmirching and be-shitting the result.

Having just been re-elected to the Senate,

leading Republicans insist the election
that put them there was rigged.

There is a lot of shenanigans
going on here.

If I were President Trump,
I would take all this to court,

I'd fight back.

Stop the steal! Stop the steal!
Stop the steal!

My God.
There were so many discrepancies.

I mean, listen, according to the records

there were dead people
who voted for Biden,

which is impossible
because ghosts cannot hold pencils.

They said there were
more mail ballots than ever.

What about female ballots?

The voting machines in Michigan
were controlled by Hunter Biden's laptop.

Georgia's not even a real state.

There's no record of it existing
before November.

Jet fuel does not burn that hot.
That was a controlled demolition.

Trump not winning
is a statistical impossibility

like snow in winter
or a duck that can't talk.

The lack of evidence proves
there's been a cover-up!

And the whole election
never even happened.

CNN made it look like it did
using Deep State CGI.

It's all a lie.

And, um… if that's what democracy
looks like, then count me out.

Actually, don't count me at all
because that would be democracy again.

And I want no part of it.

This election is not over, far from it.

In a blizzard of headlines,
Trump launches court challenges

under the guidance of the legal world's
village idiot, Rudy Giuliani,

whose efforts prove so hapless
his hair starts crying.

…And the mail-in ballot process,
in order to cheat.

But the efforts
come to nothing.

The one good thing
about Trump refusing to concede

was that we got to watch him lose
over and over.

All those doomed legal efforts?

It was like watching a man
fall from a skyscraper

trying to sue the sidewalk
out of existence before he hit the ground.

The media will deny this,
but Trump did not lose the election.

Have you got any proof of that?

He won the popular vote
by a margin of literally millions.

What more evidence do you need?
He won fair and square.

Right, so you're claiming Trump
won the popular vote?

No, Biden did. President-Elect Biden.
The victor.

Right. Don't you support Trump?

I have never supported Trump.

Check your tape, Bob.

It's James,
and you were part of Trump's campaign.

Who's Trump?

Trump himself
may have been voted out,

but the movement behind him persists.

America remains trapped
in a loveless marriage with itself.

It is astounding

that despite everything he did
over the past four years,

over 70 million Americans
were absolutely rooting for Trump.

We will never give in, we will never
give up, and we will never back down.

We will never ever surrender.

It's either terrifying

or the most inspiring love story
of our age.

People think of democracy
as permanent and unchanging.

In truth, it's something
you must perpetually nurture,

like a woman or a professional grudge.

American democracy has survived
this challenge.

But what will happen in a few years' time
when the next Trump comes along?

Perhaps a younger, more cunning,
more ruthless Trump.

With faster reflexes
and a titanium exoskeleton.

Venom sacs on his neck.

Maybe some kind of fearsome onyx claw.

What happens then?

The thing is
once Trump finally leaves,

America will be back to being
totally non-racist, overnight.

And we can just chill about that whole
institutional, you know… whatever deal.

I shall be sad to see Mr. Trump go

because he brought
such quiet dignity to his role.

But that said,

I do look forward to welcoming Mr. Biden

to Buckingham Palace
at the earliest opportunity.

Indeed we have met before,

at my coronation in 1953,

which he attended as an old man.

As America begins a new chapter
and 2020 shudders to a close,

the global pandemic
is sadly still in full swing.

Yet even as it tightens its grip
once more,

glimmers of hope appear at last.

Good news at last on Covid-19,

a vaccine could be available by Christmas.

Well, this was
a historic scientific achievement,

on a par with the moon landings.

But more difficult because the coronavirus
is far smaller than the moon.

The vaccine breakthroughs are good news.

But there is still a lot of work to do.

Once approval has been met

and manufacture scaled up,

it must be distributed
at sub-zero temperatures,

and the slightest transport setback
could generate a huge amount of waste.

What is wrong with you people?

Even with a miracle cure,

there's no guarantee
everyone will embrace the vaccine.

No 5G vaccine for me, thank you very much.
It's made in a laboratory.

And you shouldn't trust
anything that's not natural.

I read about it on Facebook.

Well, Facebook isn't
exactly natural either.

Well, I don't inject Facebook
into my veins. Yeah.

But you're happy
to absorb it into your mind?

Get out of my house!

Despite naysayers
and refuseniks,

vaccines offer a chance
of a more normal life

in 2021 and beyond.

It's exciting to think
we could have our lives back soon.

You know, we could go to the pub.

Maybe meet someone
and have a bit of a dance.

Bit of a fumble.

Move in together.

Drift apart.

Learn to hate the way
they pick their teeth.

The sound of their voice.

Wish you'd never met.

Like, seriously rue the day.

Is the vaccine compulsory?

2020 challenged humanity
on a scale like no other.

A year of tumult, upheaval, outrage,

insult, disaster, lava, and division.

It tested us, but maybe it taught us too.

What did you learn in 2020?

What did I learn?

Huh.

Uh… how many steps there are
between my couch and the refrigerator.

I learned the complete genomic sequence
of the novel coronavirus.

And how to do the Floss.

I've learned a lot about myself.

That sometimes I'm too much
of a giving person.

And, um… Oh, I've also learned
how to correctly pronounce Sieg Heil!

Well, I would say, personally,
2020 was rather fun, looking back.

I got in touch
with some old university chums

and we have started
a Zoom barbershop quartet.

- Would you like to hear my Camptown Races?
- Um… I… No. No.

- That was so good. Thank you.
- Oh, thank you.

Great, awesome.

- Are we done, is that it?
- It was brilliant. Thank you.

Listen, uh, it looks like we might
be doing one of these again next year

- for the end of 2021.
- Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

- Right.
- Yeah.

Is there any chance
you could read some advance responses now

so we can cut them into the edit later?
They're on that piece of paper.

Uh…

Yes. Yes, happy to oblige.

OK.

- Yeah, just this last page?
- Yeah.

But no one could have foreseen

what the vaccine would do to us

or how we'd use our new powers.

But no one could have foreseen
what the vaccine would do to us

or how we'd use our new powers.

But no one could have foreseen
what the vaccine would do to us

or how we'd use our new powers.

And that, of course, is when
President Harris unveiled her real agenda.

And that was when President Harris
unveiled her real agenda.

And that was when President Harris
unveiled her real agenda.

Of course, in the end, the Trump News
Network came off air after just one month.

Of course, in the end, the Trump News
Network came off air after just a month.

I've gotta say he was the last
world leader you'd expect to see

pushing a hardboiled egg
up his own ass on Italian television.

Gotta say he was the last world leader
you'd expect to see

pushing a hardboiled egg
up his own ass on Italian television.

Gotta say he was the last world leader
you'd expect to see

pushing a hardboiled egg
up his own ass on Italian television.

But then, at the last moment,
we all woke up

and it had all been a horrible dream.

But then, at the last moment,
we all woke up

and it had all been a horrible dream!

But then, at the last moment,
we all woke up

and it was all a horrible dream.

Oh, I wish.

Is that enough, will that do? Terrific.

Great, thank you.

OK.

Well, guys, it has been great.

Anyway, I have a train,

and prior to train I am going
to find myself a semi-louche bar

and a welcoming Negroni.

Um… is that enough?

OK, this was fun! I had fun.

Alright, we done here?

Mmm!

I'm done here, you? Huh?

You wanna have sex?

Um…

Well… there's quite a strict social
distancing policy on this production…

Suit yourself, man.

Uh…