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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:01:22,292 --> 00:01:24,875 Good evening, and welcome to Lachrymose News, 2 00:01:24,958 --> 00:01:28,125 where things that are happening keep happening until they stop. 3 00:01:28,208 --> 00:01:30,292 Not unlike the plight of the Baudelaire orphans, 4 00:01:30,375 --> 00:01:32,625 whom, viewers will recall, lost their parents 5 00:01:32,708 --> 00:01:34,833 and their home in a terrible fire. 6 00:01:34,917 --> 00:01:37,375 With the latest update on their dire plight 7 00:01:37,458 --> 00:01:39,833 is our co-anchor Vincent Fig Demetrios. 8 00:01:39,917 --> 00:01:41,583 - Vincent? - Thanks, Veronica. 9 00:01:41,667 --> 00:01:43,792 Viewers will recall that following the fire, 10 00:01:43,875 --> 00:01:46,292 the Baudelaires were sent to live with Count Olaf, 11 00:01:46,375 --> 00:01:49,917 a villainous actor and an active villain who has vowed repeatedly 12 00:01:50,000 --> 00:01:53,833 that he will stop at nothing to get his hands on the enormous fortune 13 00:01:53,917 --> 00:01:55,750 the Baudelaire parents left behind. 14 00:01:56,417 --> 00:01:57,542 Let's hope so, Vincent. 15 00:01:57,625 --> 00:02:00,667 Coming up next, some very nice people were poisoned. 16 00:02:00,750 --> 00:02:02,500 But first, the weather. 17 00:02:05,042 --> 00:02:07,542 If the story of the Baudelaire orphans were a weather report, 18 00:02:07,625 --> 00:02:10,208 there would be hardly any sunshine to be seen. 19 00:02:10,292 --> 00:02:13,083 Instead, there would be cloudbursts of unhappiness. 20 00:02:13,583 --> 00:02:15,000 Blizzards of despair. 21 00:02:15,792 --> 00:02:17,917 Misery in the form of sleet storms. 22 00:02:18,542 --> 00:02:20,542 Various cold fronts of terror. 23 00:02:21,333 --> 00:02:22,208 Horror. 24 00:02:22,917 --> 00:02:24,000 Attacks of allergies. 25 00:02:25,083 --> 00:02:29,833 Not to mention the threat of a devastating hurricane lurking just off the map. 26 00:02:32,083 --> 00:02:35,167 If you didn't know about the Baudelaire orphans' unfortunate history 27 00:02:35,250 --> 00:02:37,500 and you saw them disembark from the Fickle Ferry 28 00:02:37,583 --> 00:02:38,917 and arrive at Damocles Dock, 29 00:02:39,000 --> 00:02:41,125 you might think they were bound for an exciting adventure. 30 00:02:41,208 --> 00:02:43,083 Here we are, Baudelaires. Deemo... 31 00:02:43,167 --> 00:02:44,792 - But you would be dead wrong. - Dimmo... 32 00:02:44,875 --> 00:02:46,833 - My name is Lemony Snicket. - Dudy Damo... 33 00:02:46,917 --> 00:02:48,875 - It's my sad duty... - Democlay... 34 00:02:48,958 --> 00:02:51,042 to tell the tale of the Baudelaires' tragic lives. 35 00:02:51,125 --> 00:02:52,125 Dimoclath... 36 00:02:52,208 --> 00:02:54,167 But you likely have no such responsibilities... 37 00:02:54,250 --> 00:02:56,417 - Dimoclat... - And should escape from this sad story... 38 00:02:56,500 --> 00:02:58,667 - Demcaca... - before another storm of melancholy 39 00:02:58,750 --> 00:03:01,458 - engulfs you in dampness and misery. - Dock. 40 00:03:01,958 --> 00:03:03,583 It's pronounced Damocles. 41 00:03:03,667 --> 00:03:06,583 After the probably apocryphal figure in Sicilian mythology. 42 00:03:06,667 --> 00:03:09,417 Well, I don't have time to learn things. The banking day has already begun. 43 00:03:09,500 --> 00:03:11,625 In any case, I'm sure you'll be off on some exciting adventure 44 00:03:11,708 --> 00:03:12,708 with your new guardian. 45 00:03:13,292 --> 00:03:16,792 Remember, you can always rely on us at Mulctuary Money Management. 46 00:03:16,875 --> 00:03:17,875 Now, if you'll excuse me, 47 00:03:17,958 --> 00:03:20,208 I will leave you alone on this mostly deserted dock 48 00:03:20,292 --> 00:03:23,250 to await for your taxi to your Aunt Josephine's house. 49 00:03:23,333 --> 00:03:24,333 She's not meeting us here? 50 00:03:24,417 --> 00:03:26,667 Strangely, she said she'd be unable to come to the dock, 51 00:03:26,750 --> 00:03:28,792 and I didn't think it polite to ask why. 52 00:03:28,875 --> 00:03:31,167 Perhaps she's planning a surprise party for you children. 53 00:03:31,250 --> 00:03:32,500 Which reminds me, 54 00:03:33,083 --> 00:03:35,000 I know you've had a frightening and mystifying time 55 00:03:35,083 --> 00:03:37,375 with that horrible man, what, um, Count... 56 00:03:37,875 --> 00:03:39,792 - What's his name? Um... - Olaf. 57 00:03:39,875 --> 00:03:42,792 Olaf. Who knows where he came from? 58 00:03:42,875 --> 00:03:44,250 You put us in his care. 59 00:03:44,750 --> 00:03:46,500 I wouldn't exactly call it care. 60 00:03:46,583 --> 00:03:49,958 He's a thief and a murderer, and so far has completely escaped capture. 61 00:03:50,042 --> 00:03:52,625 But I have the thing that just might turn things around. 62 00:03:54,625 --> 00:03:55,875 Peppermints! 63 00:03:56,250 --> 00:03:59,958 Delicious peppermints! My second favorite candy when I was a boy. 64 00:04:00,042 --> 00:04:02,500 You can eat them in the taxi on the way to meet your dowager aunt. 65 00:04:02,583 --> 00:04:05,208 - What's that? - Oh, Violet, I'm surprised at you. 66 00:04:05,292 --> 00:04:07,083 A girl your age should know that a taxi is a car 67 00:04:07,167 --> 00:04:08,833 that takes you someplace for a reasonable fee. 68 00:04:08,917 --> 00:04:11,417 And this should just about cover it. 69 00:04:11,750 --> 00:04:14,792 Cheers, Baudelaires! 70 00:04:16,333 --> 00:04:17,375 Good luck. 71 00:04:22,000 --> 00:04:25,417 - "Dowager" is a fancy word for widow. - Thank you. 72 00:04:25,500 --> 00:04:27,708 Should we have told him we're allergic to peppermints? 73 00:04:28,833 --> 00:04:30,458 It didn't seem worth mentioning. 74 00:04:30,542 --> 00:04:32,417 We have a lot more important things on our minds. 75 00:04:32,500 --> 00:04:34,500 Like asking Aunt Josephine if she can help explain 76 00:04:34,583 --> 00:04:37,292 all the strange and mysterious things that keep happening to us. 77 00:04:37,375 --> 00:04:38,583 And how to get a taxi. 78 00:04:41,708 --> 00:04:43,875 Does anyone need a ride somewhere for a reasonable fee? 79 00:04:48,500 --> 00:04:52,167 - This town doesn't seem very crowded. - It's the off-season. 80 00:04:52,250 --> 00:04:55,083 When the weather's nice, this town is as crowded as can be. 81 00:04:55,167 --> 00:04:57,875 But around now, things are as dead as the cat I ran over this morning. 82 00:04:57,958 --> 00:05:00,000 Hold on. 83 00:05:03,667 --> 00:05:05,625 I hope your Aunt Josephine has enough food and supplies 84 00:05:05,708 --> 00:05:08,000 when Hurricane Herman arrives. It's supposed to be a doozy. 85 00:05:08,083 --> 00:05:10,917 I'm gonna sit it out in a cabin with the works of Herman Melville 86 00:05:11,000 --> 00:05:12,958 and a large pot of vegetarian chili. 87 00:05:13,042 --> 00:05:15,375 I thought hurricanes only occurred near oceans. 88 00:05:15,458 --> 00:05:18,708 With a body of water as large as Lake Lachrymose, anything can happen. 89 00:05:20,917 --> 00:05:23,500 You know, what's interesting is the storms in Herman Melville's work 90 00:05:23,583 --> 00:05:25,542 are more metaphorical, or even allegorical, 91 00:05:25,625 --> 00:05:27,833 rather than the naturalistic style of someone like Thoreau, 92 00:05:27,917 --> 00:05:28,958 if you know what I mean. 93 00:05:29,042 --> 00:05:32,625 The shore represents our tenuous hold on the earthly nature of mortal existence, 94 00:05:32,708 --> 00:05:34,208 and the turbulent waters represent 95 00:05:34,292 --> 00:05:36,417 the villainy and troubles in our own lives. 96 00:05:36,500 --> 00:05:41,333 Like a threatening rowboat getting closer and closer with each passing moment. 97 00:05:41,417 --> 00:05:43,875 Solitude. 98 00:05:43,958 --> 00:05:47,708 Blissful contemplation of my inward eye. 99 00:05:47,792 --> 00:05:51,583 Only when I am alone can I court the muse 100 00:05:51,667 --> 00:05:54,125 and dream up the next step in my... 101 00:05:54,208 --> 00:05:56,583 ...glorious scheme. 102 00:05:56,667 --> 00:05:59,250 And what is the next step, boss? 103 00:05:59,333 --> 00:06:00,375 Brute force? 104 00:06:00,458 --> 00:06:03,292 No, no. I need something worthy of this grandiose locale. 105 00:06:03,375 --> 00:06:05,292 Something dashing, something romantic. 106 00:06:05,375 --> 00:06:08,417 You know, in many ways, I am married to the sea. 107 00:06:08,500 --> 00:06:10,167 This is actually a large lake. 108 00:06:10,250 --> 00:06:14,042 I am married to the sea, but my girlfriend is a large lake. 109 00:06:14,125 --> 00:06:17,583 - Land ho! - I told you to stop calling me that. 110 00:06:17,667 --> 00:06:20,792 I'd say to him, "Lay off the big white whale for a few days. 111 00:06:20,875 --> 00:06:23,042 See how you feel. Take a vacation. Rest your leg." 112 00:06:23,125 --> 00:06:24,208 Wow! 113 00:06:24,292 --> 00:06:28,083 Your aunt must be a remarkable lady to live all the way up here by herself. 114 00:06:28,167 --> 00:06:30,833 We've been told Aunt Josephine is fierce and formidable. 115 00:06:30,917 --> 00:06:31,792 She must be. 116 00:06:35,667 --> 00:06:37,417 - Good luck! - Thank you. 117 00:06:44,167 --> 00:06:47,042 I hope she really can answer all of our questions. 118 00:06:47,125 --> 00:06:48,375 There's so much we don't know. 119 00:06:48,458 --> 00:06:50,708 It's like we're standing on the edge of a precipice 120 00:06:50,792 --> 00:06:52,708 with no idea what lies below. 121 00:07:10,083 --> 00:07:12,167 In fact, it was exactly like that. 122 00:07:12,250 --> 00:07:13,917 Although I do know what lies below, 123 00:07:14,000 --> 00:07:18,042 which is a 300-foot drop into the freezing waters of Lake Lachrymose. 124 00:07:19,917 --> 00:07:24,208 Still, standing on a precipice is better than slipping on a precipice, 125 00:07:24,292 --> 00:07:26,000 or falling over a precipice. 126 00:07:26,083 --> 00:07:28,292 So, before things get worse, 127 00:07:28,375 --> 00:07:30,917 I would advise that you take note of the three words 128 00:07:31,000 --> 00:07:34,542 the Baudelaires were about to find on Aunt Josephine's front door. 129 00:07:34,625 --> 00:07:36,750 "Please go away." 130 00:07:44,458 --> 00:07:47,167 Don't knock. You might get splinters. 131 00:07:47,250 --> 00:07:51,500 This door is made of wood, which is teeming with tiny shards, 132 00:07:51,583 --> 00:07:55,333 which in turn is teeming with infection. You must never knock. 133 00:07:55,417 --> 00:07:57,500 I'm sorry. I'm sure you're right about all of that. 134 00:07:57,583 --> 00:07:59,292 We're looking for our Aunt Josephine. 135 00:07:59,375 --> 00:08:00,875 I'm Violet Baudelaire, and these are my siblings... 136 00:08:00,958 --> 00:08:05,792 Klaus and Sunny, of course, of course. Come in. Come in! 137 00:08:05,875 --> 00:08:09,375 - The doorbell didn't appear to be working. - It's disconnected. 138 00:08:09,958 --> 00:08:12,083 There is the danger of electrocution. 139 00:08:12,167 --> 00:08:14,417 And be careful not to bump into the phone. 140 00:08:14,500 --> 00:08:16,125 I've read quite a bit about electricity, 141 00:08:16,208 --> 00:08:20,958 and I'm reasonably certain that doorbells and telephones are safe. 142 00:08:21,042 --> 00:08:22,708 Not if you have a faulty pacemaker. 143 00:08:22,792 --> 00:08:25,292 Does someone here have a faulty pacemaker? 144 00:08:25,375 --> 00:08:27,375 No, but you can never be too careful. 145 00:08:28,458 --> 00:08:30,500 Do you live with our Aunt Josephine? 146 00:08:30,583 --> 00:08:32,375 I am your Aunt Josephine. 147 00:08:36,625 --> 00:08:38,917 - You are? - Yes, of course. 148 00:08:39,000 --> 00:08:41,750 - Are you sure? - Of course I'm sure. 149 00:08:41,833 --> 00:08:45,167 Although, I prefer the word "certain." Follow me. 150 00:08:45,250 --> 00:08:48,083 But mind the rug. You might trip and break your necks. 151 00:08:49,792 --> 00:08:51,458 Fierce Aunt Josephine. 152 00:08:51,542 --> 00:08:53,375 Formidable Aunt Josephine. 153 00:08:56,583 --> 00:08:59,792 "Delmo"? What do you mean by "delmo"? 154 00:08:59,875 --> 00:09:02,000 I consider myself an expert on the English language, 155 00:09:02,083 --> 00:09:04,583 and I have no idea what the word "delmo" means. 156 00:09:04,667 --> 00:09:08,208 Sunny doesn't speak fluently yet. Just baby talk, mostly. 157 00:09:08,292 --> 00:09:11,958 Well, you have arrived just in time. 158 00:09:12,042 --> 00:09:14,667 I know you've seen many unusual things. 159 00:09:14,750 --> 00:09:17,958 - Yes, we have. - And you must have many questions. 160 00:09:18,042 --> 00:09:19,958 - Yes, we do. - In my library, 161 00:09:20,042 --> 00:09:23,167 you will find all the answers that you need. 162 00:09:23,250 --> 00:09:25,208 - Are you ready? - We're ready. 163 00:09:25,708 --> 00:09:28,542 Then open the door. 164 00:09:29,583 --> 00:09:32,750 Ah! Just... just push on the wood. 165 00:09:32,833 --> 00:09:36,875 The knob could shatter into a million pieces and hit your eyes! 166 00:09:52,750 --> 00:09:54,500 Lake Lachrymose. 167 00:09:54,583 --> 00:09:58,708 I know every island in its waters and every cave along its shores. 168 00:09:59,792 --> 00:10:02,750 But now I can only stand to look at it from far away. 169 00:10:03,750 --> 00:10:05,958 That's why I couldn't meet you on the docks. 170 00:10:06,042 --> 00:10:08,292 I'm too haunted by the past. 171 00:10:08,375 --> 00:10:10,458 Does this have anything to do with our parents? 172 00:10:10,542 --> 00:10:13,708 Certainly not. It has to do with my husband... 173 00:10:13,792 --> 00:10:18,000 Ike. He was my best friend, my partner, 174 00:10:18,083 --> 00:10:22,042 and one of the few people I knew who could whistle with crackers in his mouth. 175 00:10:22,125 --> 00:10:24,458 His specialty was Beethoven's fourth string quartet. 176 00:10:24,542 --> 00:10:26,375 - Our mother could do that. - Her specialty 177 00:10:26,458 --> 00:10:28,208 was Mozart's 14th symphony. 178 00:10:28,292 --> 00:10:30,375 Yeah, that's right. 179 00:10:30,458 --> 00:10:33,792 We were all friends, your parents and Ike and me. 180 00:10:33,875 --> 00:10:36,458 We used to gather on these shores for picnics 181 00:10:36,542 --> 00:10:38,958 and to develop our own secret codes. 182 00:10:39,042 --> 00:10:43,583 - Our parents developed secret codes? - I'll never forget our last picnic. 183 00:10:43,667 --> 00:10:48,667 I warned Ike to wait an hour after eating before going into the lake, 184 00:10:48,750 --> 00:10:51,667 - but he only waited 45 minutes. - Did he get cramps? 185 00:10:51,750 --> 00:10:55,250 That's what's supposed to happen if you don't wait an hour before you swim. 186 00:10:55,333 --> 00:11:00,042 Cramps are one reason, but in Lake Lachrymose, there's another. 187 00:11:03,625 --> 00:11:07,375 Part of the lake is a breeding ground for the Lachrymose Leeches, 188 00:11:07,458 --> 00:11:10,958 which are quite different from regular leeches. 189 00:11:11,042 --> 00:11:14,000 They each have six rows of very sharp teeth 190 00:11:14,083 --> 00:11:16,083 and one very sharp nose 191 00:11:16,167 --> 00:11:21,042 that can smell the tiniest bit of food from far, far away. 192 00:11:21,125 --> 00:11:24,083 The Lachrymose Leeches are usually quite harmless, 193 00:11:24,167 --> 00:11:27,375 but if they smell food on a human, 194 00:11:27,458 --> 00:11:31,833 they will start to swarm around him and... 195 00:11:43,333 --> 00:11:44,625 I apologize, children. 196 00:11:45,708 --> 00:11:49,792 It is grammatically incorrect to end a sentence with the word "and," 197 00:11:49,875 --> 00:11:52,375 but I get so upset when I think about Ike. 198 00:11:52,458 --> 00:11:55,458 - We're sorry we asked about him. - We didn't mean to upset you. 199 00:11:55,542 --> 00:11:58,625 Aunt Josephine, you said you had answers for us. 200 00:11:59,208 --> 00:12:02,083 Yes! Thank you for reminding me. 201 00:12:03,708 --> 00:12:06,667 As soon as Sunny said what she said, 202 00:12:06,750 --> 00:12:09,750 I knew you were missing some crucial information. 203 00:12:10,250 --> 00:12:11,833 Sunny? What did she say? 204 00:12:11,917 --> 00:12:15,167 Don't you remember, Klaus? She said "delmo," 205 00:12:15,250 --> 00:12:17,542 and that's when I knew what I had to impart. 206 00:12:17,625 --> 00:12:23,417 The key to making sense to this... this confusing and terrifying world. 207 00:12:24,750 --> 00:12:26,083 Perhaps you're too young. 208 00:12:26,167 --> 00:12:27,833 - We can handle it. - We can handle anything. 209 00:12:36,292 --> 00:12:37,125 Grammar. 210 00:12:37,958 --> 00:12:39,250 - Grammar? - Grammar. 211 00:12:39,333 --> 00:12:44,083 Since I lost Ike, I have devoted my life to the study of it. 212 00:12:44,167 --> 00:12:47,125 Here is a complete history of nouns. 213 00:12:47,208 --> 00:12:52,333 Oh! And there is an explicitly illustrated encyclopedia of verbs. 214 00:12:52,417 --> 00:12:54,417 I am so happy to have 215 00:12:54,500 --> 00:12:57,792 three young new charges to learn everything, 216 00:12:58,375 --> 00:13:01,875 from the Oxford comma to the Wesleyan semicolon. 217 00:13:01,958 --> 00:13:03,708 - Grammar. - Grammar! 218 00:13:03,792 --> 00:13:06,375 It's the greatest joy in life, don't you find? 219 00:13:06,458 --> 00:13:10,000 Aunt Josephine, what does grammar have to do with developing secret codes? 220 00:13:10,083 --> 00:13:14,625 Uh, you used the wrong tense, Klaus. It's a common grammatical error. 221 00:13:14,708 --> 00:13:16,083 You should have said, 222 00:13:16,167 --> 00:13:19,750 "What did grammar have to do with developing secret codes?" 223 00:13:19,833 --> 00:13:22,958 - What did grammar have to do... - Absolutely nothing. 224 00:13:23,042 --> 00:13:25,417 It's the clock. 225 00:13:25,500 --> 00:13:27,208 Lunch time. 226 00:13:27,917 --> 00:13:29,250 How does soup sound? 227 00:13:29,333 --> 00:13:31,417 Soup sounds wonderful. 228 00:13:39,167 --> 00:13:42,667 - Uh, cold soup. - Oh, yes. I never cook anything hot. 229 00:13:42,750 --> 00:13:45,500 I'm afraid to turn on the stove. It... it might burst into flames. 230 00:13:47,125 --> 00:13:51,458 This is chilled cucumber soup. It's a recipe that I learned in Egypt, 231 00:13:51,542 --> 00:13:54,375 where I was briefly employed as a snake charmer. 232 00:13:54,458 --> 00:13:57,000 Our father lived in Egypt before we were born. 233 00:13:57,083 --> 00:13:59,083 - Is that when you... - I don't talk about that. 234 00:13:59,167 --> 00:14:02,208 - When we were living with Uncle Monty... - I said I don't talk about that. 235 00:14:02,292 --> 00:14:05,917 - But there was a statue... - Klaus, I said I don't talk about that. 236 00:14:06,417 --> 00:14:08,708 You don't talk about that? Or you won't? 237 00:14:11,875 --> 00:14:14,167 This is one of those rare grammatical instances 238 00:14:14,250 --> 00:14:17,208 where "don't" and "won't" mean the same thing. 239 00:14:17,292 --> 00:14:21,083 I knew your parents a long time ago, when things were very different. 240 00:14:21,708 --> 00:14:23,875 Those were fierce and formidable days. 241 00:14:24,542 --> 00:14:28,250 But I don't talk about that, and you won't hear about that. 242 00:14:28,333 --> 00:14:29,917 I shouldn't have to tell you orphans 243 00:14:30,000 --> 00:14:33,167 there are many, many things to be afraid of in this world. 244 00:14:33,250 --> 00:14:35,917 The safest strategy is to be afraid of them all. 245 00:14:39,042 --> 00:14:41,500 I like to think of happier things. 246 00:14:41,583 --> 00:14:45,917 The joys of grammar and how much Ike loved the sunshine. 247 00:14:46,000 --> 00:14:47,792 I like to imagine that where he is now, 248 00:14:47,875 --> 00:14:51,375 the weather is just as lovely and sunny as can be. 249 00:14:51,458 --> 00:14:53,750 Of course, nobody knows what happens to you when you die, 250 00:14:53,833 --> 00:14:56,458 but I like to think that my husband is somewhere hot. 251 00:14:56,542 --> 00:15:00,458 Aunt Josephine, have you ever thought about moving somewhere else? 252 00:15:01,042 --> 00:15:03,125 Maybe if you lived far away from Lake Lachrymose, 253 00:15:03,208 --> 00:15:05,417 - you might feel better. - We'd go with you. 254 00:15:06,333 --> 00:15:08,292 Maybe then you'd feel comfortable enough 255 00:15:08,375 --> 00:15:12,458 to discuss some of the things you don't and won't discuss. 256 00:15:12,542 --> 00:15:14,583 I could never sell this house. 257 00:15:15,292 --> 00:15:17,042 I'm afraid of real estate agents. 258 00:15:22,208 --> 00:15:24,417 I'm sure you know there are two kinds of fears: 259 00:15:24,500 --> 00:15:26,208 rational and irrational. 260 00:15:26,292 --> 00:15:27,458 Or, in simpler terms, 261 00:15:27,542 --> 00:15:29,667 fears that make sense and fears that don't. 262 00:15:29,750 --> 00:15:33,583 For instance, the Baudelaire orphans had a fear of Count Olaf, 263 00:15:33,667 --> 00:15:36,250 which makes perfect sense because he is an evil man 264 00:15:36,333 --> 00:15:37,583 who wants to destroy them. 265 00:15:37,667 --> 00:15:40,250 But if they were afraid of lemon meringue pie, 266 00:15:40,333 --> 00:15:43,958 that would be an irrational fear because lemon meringue pie is delicious 267 00:15:44,042 --> 00:15:45,667 and has never hurt a soul. 268 00:15:45,750 --> 00:15:49,292 Being afraid of hurricanes is perfectly rational 269 00:15:49,375 --> 00:15:51,958 because they can be quite sinister and destructive. 270 00:15:52,042 --> 00:15:55,375 But a fear of real estate agents, a term which here means 271 00:15:55,458 --> 00:15:58,375 "people who assist in the buying and selling of houses," 272 00:15:58,458 --> 00:16:00,083 would be an irrational fear 273 00:16:00,167 --> 00:16:04,292 because nothing sinister has ever come from the real estate market. 274 00:16:35,375 --> 00:16:37,792 Count Olaf. I didn't think I'd see you again 275 00:16:37,875 --> 00:16:40,125 after all that unpleasantness with Mr. Snicket. 276 00:16:40,208 --> 00:16:42,875 What are you doing here? It's the off-season. 277 00:16:42,958 --> 00:16:46,875 Thanks to a helpful real estate agent, this restaurant is under new management. 278 00:16:46,958 --> 00:16:49,292 New management? Don't make me laugh. 279 00:16:49,375 --> 00:16:50,750 You're not laughing. 280 00:16:50,833 --> 00:16:52,292 Neither are you. 281 00:16:53,000 --> 00:16:56,042 The Baudelaires are safe and sound and learning everything they need to know 282 00:16:56,125 --> 00:16:57,458 - about our secret organization. - Oh? 283 00:16:57,542 --> 00:17:00,208 They should've begun their training years ago, but it's not too late. 284 00:17:00,292 --> 00:17:01,375 Rats! 285 00:17:01,458 --> 00:17:05,750 Their new guardian is the most fierce and formidable member of our organization. 286 00:17:05,833 --> 00:17:07,000 Wait, not Snicket? 287 00:17:07,083 --> 00:17:09,292 What? No. Isn't he dead? 288 00:17:09,375 --> 00:17:10,708 Is he? 289 00:17:11,958 --> 00:17:12,958 It doesn't matter. 290 00:17:13,042 --> 00:17:17,167 All your silly codes and obscure literary references 291 00:17:17,250 --> 00:17:18,500 - can't save you. - Oh? 292 00:17:18,583 --> 00:17:20,583 The Baudelaire children will be destroyed, 293 00:17:20,667 --> 00:17:22,667 - and their fortune will be mine. - Rats! 294 00:17:22,750 --> 00:17:26,333 You and your ridiculous comrades will be swept away. 295 00:17:29,125 --> 00:17:31,542 - We'll see about that. - Yes, we will. 296 00:17:31,625 --> 00:17:34,375 That's what I'm saying. You can push me around all you want... 297 00:17:34,458 --> 00:17:36,333 - Thank you. - But Josephine will stop you. 298 00:17:36,417 --> 00:17:37,417 The children will stop you. 299 00:17:37,500 --> 00:17:39,792 Reports indicate that they have incredible gifts. 300 00:17:40,833 --> 00:17:42,250 Josephine? 301 00:17:56,125 --> 00:17:57,458 Gifts! 302 00:17:58,625 --> 00:18:01,042 For Violet, a lovely doll... 303 00:18:02,375 --> 00:18:04,083 with plenty of outfits. 304 00:18:05,333 --> 00:18:08,000 Her name is Pretty Penny. 305 00:18:08,500 --> 00:18:11,083 - Isn't she adorable? - She looks a little like Madame Curie. 306 00:18:12,333 --> 00:18:15,000 For Klaus, a deck of cards. 307 00:18:15,667 --> 00:18:19,750 I have never been a young boy, but I hear they enjoy card games. 308 00:18:19,833 --> 00:18:22,667 I once read a book about the history of legalized gambling. 309 00:18:23,667 --> 00:18:27,458 And for little Sunny, it is a rattle. 310 00:18:27,542 --> 00:18:29,958 It makes a little noise. 311 00:18:32,875 --> 00:18:33,792 Do you like them? 312 00:18:33,875 --> 00:18:36,125 It's very generous of you, Aunt Josephine. 313 00:18:36,208 --> 00:18:39,292 Well, I know my home isn't the warmest place, 314 00:18:39,375 --> 00:18:42,375 but if you follow the rules, it will be a safe one. 315 00:18:42,458 --> 00:18:47,792 And as your guardian, your safety is my greatest responsibility. 316 00:18:47,875 --> 00:18:52,292 That is why I put cans near all the doors and windows each night. 317 00:18:52,375 --> 00:18:55,583 In case any burglars come in, they trip over the cans and wake us up. 318 00:18:55,667 --> 00:18:58,083 But what if we're awake in the house with an angry burglar? 319 00:18:58,167 --> 00:18:59,708 Angry burglar? Where? 320 00:18:59,792 --> 00:19:02,375 Aunt Josephine, you must be very worried about Hurricane Herman. 321 00:19:02,458 --> 00:19:03,625 - Hurricane? - Herman. 322 00:19:03,708 --> 00:19:06,292 The taxi driver said it's a huge storm headed our way. 323 00:19:06,375 --> 00:19:07,583 Oh, dear. 324 00:19:07,667 --> 00:19:10,458 We'll need food! We'll need supplies! 325 00:19:10,542 --> 00:19:12,750 We must all go to town immediately. 326 00:19:12,833 --> 00:19:15,208 Maybe my sisters and I could stay here. 327 00:19:15,292 --> 00:19:19,292 Good point. You never know what might happen in a small town. 328 00:19:19,375 --> 00:19:23,417 You ever read Thornton Wilder? Perhaps we should all stay here. 329 00:19:23,500 --> 00:19:27,208 Of course, but what if we run out of food in the middle of a hurricane? 330 00:19:27,292 --> 00:19:30,250 - Wouldn't that be frightening? - Terrifyingly frightening? 331 00:19:34,958 --> 00:19:37,250 I won't be long, children! 332 00:19:37,792 --> 00:19:42,625 Don't do anything dangerous! You know, anything I wouldn't do! 333 00:19:42,708 --> 00:19:45,333 - Of course not! - Nothing you wouldn't do! 334 00:19:56,000 --> 00:19:57,167 I know you don't care for the sound, 335 00:19:57,250 --> 00:19:59,458 but maybe I could use your rattle to invent a burglar alarm 336 00:19:59,542 --> 00:20:02,208 so Aunt Josephine won't have to rely on piles of cans. 337 00:20:02,292 --> 00:20:04,208 And, Sunny, you can have the deck of cards. 338 00:20:04,792 --> 00:20:06,542 You enjoy playing poker more than I do. 339 00:20:06,625 --> 00:20:10,333 - That leaves you with the doll. - Plenty of boys enjoy playing with dolls. 340 00:20:10,417 --> 00:20:12,292 Although, I would rather a book. 341 00:20:12,375 --> 00:20:15,458 - That doesn't seem fair. - At least Aunt Josephine's trying. 342 00:20:15,542 --> 00:20:18,583 She wanted to get us gifts, even though she didn't know what we liked. 343 00:20:18,667 --> 00:20:20,083 We shouldn't complain. 344 00:20:20,167 --> 00:20:21,917 You're right. She means well. 345 00:20:22,000 --> 00:20:24,625 Even though she's terrified of everything, we shouldn't complain. 346 00:20:24,708 --> 00:20:26,125 You're right. 347 00:20:30,000 --> 00:20:32,833 - I want to complain anyway. - Let's get to work. 348 00:20:41,750 --> 00:20:43,750 Aunt Josephine told us that all the answers we need 349 00:20:43,833 --> 00:20:46,292 were in her library, but she made a grammatical error. 350 00:20:46,375 --> 00:20:49,208 Wait, let me get this straight. Aunt Josephine made a grammatical error? 351 00:20:49,958 --> 00:20:52,583 The word "library" is singular, meaning one. 352 00:20:52,667 --> 00:20:55,042 But this isn't one library, it's two. 353 00:20:55,125 --> 00:20:56,750 The one you see here... 354 00:21:00,167 --> 00:21:01,292 and the one you don't. 355 00:21:01,375 --> 00:21:04,500 Aunt Josephine might not open up, but her safe might. 356 00:21:04,583 --> 00:21:07,042 That won't be easy. That's why people have safes. 357 00:21:07,125 --> 00:21:08,958 Most safes use three numbers. 358 00:21:09,042 --> 00:21:11,375 That means that there are thousands of possible combinations. 359 00:21:11,458 --> 00:21:12,292 One million. 360 00:21:12,375 --> 00:21:14,917 Aunt Josephine said that she and our parents developed secret codes. 361 00:21:15,833 --> 00:21:19,292 In some codes, numbers substitute for letters and words. 362 00:21:19,375 --> 00:21:22,333 It'd have to be something she'd remember. Something she cares about. 363 00:21:22,417 --> 00:21:24,292 - "Grammar"? - Too many letters. 364 00:21:24,375 --> 00:21:27,125 What else does she care about? Cold food? 365 00:21:27,208 --> 00:21:28,208 Doorbell safety? 366 00:21:28,292 --> 00:21:30,375 Avoiding questions about anything we want to know? 367 00:21:31,958 --> 00:21:33,458 That's three letters long. 368 00:21:35,958 --> 00:21:39,292 "I" is the ninth letter of the alphabet. 369 00:21:39,375 --> 00:21:41,625 Eleven for "K." 370 00:21:42,125 --> 00:21:44,500 And "E," the fifth. 371 00:21:53,292 --> 00:21:54,333 Crackers? 372 00:22:00,208 --> 00:22:01,958 Very high-pitched Beethoven. 373 00:22:02,042 --> 00:22:05,208 That's Ike's whistling music. And look... 374 00:22:07,417 --> 00:22:09,708 Aunt Josephine wrestling with an alligator? 375 00:22:09,792 --> 00:22:10,917 And winning. 376 00:22:11,000 --> 00:22:13,708 Boxing. Skydiving. 377 00:22:14,292 --> 00:22:16,417 Who jumps out of a plane for fun? 378 00:22:16,500 --> 00:22:18,042 Cooking with fire. 379 00:22:18,125 --> 00:22:21,917 - She wasn't scared of anything. - What happened to her? 380 00:22:26,458 --> 00:22:28,792 The Incomplete History of Secret Organizations. 381 00:22:28,875 --> 00:22:30,208 All the answers are in here. 382 00:22:30,292 --> 00:22:32,292 Even if our guardian won't tell us anything, 383 00:22:32,375 --> 00:22:34,417 we can still find out what we're looking for. 384 00:22:34,500 --> 00:22:36,917 Not the doorknob! Not the doorknob! 385 00:22:51,917 --> 00:22:53,083 Baudelaires. 386 00:22:53,583 --> 00:22:55,958 Baudelaires, there you are. 387 00:22:56,042 --> 00:22:57,292 Sunny! 388 00:22:57,375 --> 00:23:01,500 I found something very interesting at the town market and petting zoo. 389 00:23:01,750 --> 00:23:02,583 Limes. 390 00:23:03,167 --> 00:23:07,375 I found two very interesting things at the town market and petting zoo. 391 00:23:07,458 --> 00:23:10,750 One, yes, a great deal of limes at a reasonable price. 392 00:23:10,833 --> 00:23:12,917 It's perfect for cold lime stew. 393 00:23:13,000 --> 00:23:14,875 The other is even better. 394 00:23:18,292 --> 00:23:20,250 Something wonderful. 395 00:23:21,417 --> 00:23:27,500 Baudelaires, I know I am a disappointment to you and to countless others. 396 00:23:27,583 --> 00:23:30,917 Believe it or not, I used to be a fierce and formidable woman. 397 00:23:31,000 --> 00:23:35,958 Your parents and I were more than friends. We were associates. 398 00:23:36,042 --> 00:23:42,500 We were colleagues, comrades, collaborators, allies, volunteers! 399 00:23:42,583 --> 00:23:45,042 But these are troubling times. 400 00:23:45,125 --> 00:23:46,875 I know you miss Ike very much. 401 00:23:46,958 --> 00:23:49,583 And I know you miss your parents very much. 402 00:23:49,667 --> 00:23:52,833 It's a curious thing, the death of a loved one. 403 00:23:52,917 --> 00:23:56,417 It's like climbing the stairs to your room in the dark, 404 00:23:56,500 --> 00:24:00,250 thinking that there's one more stair than there is. 405 00:24:00,333 --> 00:24:03,250 And your foot falls through the air, 406 00:24:03,750 --> 00:24:07,250 and there is a sickly feeling of dark surprise. 407 00:24:07,333 --> 00:24:10,500 - That's exactly what it's like. - It's terrifying. 408 00:24:10,583 --> 00:24:14,500 But today I realized, with my hands full of limes, 409 00:24:14,583 --> 00:24:17,167 you can't be terrified forever. 410 00:24:17,250 --> 00:24:20,875 I think I am ready to be fierce and formidable again. 411 00:24:20,958 --> 00:24:25,000 - And I think we can do it together. - That sounds wonderful. 412 00:24:25,500 --> 00:24:29,042 So, can I leave you children alone a few more hours? 413 00:24:29,125 --> 00:24:32,083 He wants to take me out for a fried-egg sandwich. 414 00:24:32,708 --> 00:24:34,292 - What? - I met a man, 415 00:24:34,375 --> 00:24:37,833 a gentleman, at the town market and petting zoo. 416 00:24:37,917 --> 00:24:40,250 He has had a troubled past, 417 00:24:40,333 --> 00:24:43,292 and we're going to talk about it over a fried-egg sandwich. 418 00:24:43,375 --> 00:24:45,750 It'll be good to have something hot for a change. 419 00:24:45,833 --> 00:24:51,042 I just wanted to get a warm cardigan that's flattering to my figure. 420 00:24:51,125 --> 00:24:52,958 You're going on a date? 421 00:24:53,042 --> 00:24:57,750 Don't be vulgar, Violet. It is not a date, necessarily. 422 00:24:57,833 --> 00:25:02,417 It's just two adults sharing quality time together 423 00:25:02,500 --> 00:25:06,250 over toasted rye bread and runny yolks. 424 00:25:06,333 --> 00:25:08,000 Oh, be nice to him, won't you? 425 00:25:08,083 --> 00:25:10,417 Just make small talk while I get my sweater. 426 00:25:13,625 --> 00:25:17,167 Oh, Captain! 427 00:25:17,250 --> 00:25:20,542 I'm hobbling as fast as I can, Josephine. 428 00:25:24,542 --> 00:25:28,000 Well, good evening, children. 429 00:25:28,083 --> 00:25:31,750 My name is Captain Sham, and my home is the sea. 430 00:25:32,958 --> 00:25:34,125 No, it isn't. 431 00:25:34,208 --> 00:25:36,083 Well, it's... it's a large lake. 432 00:25:36,167 --> 00:25:37,625 Don't be ridiculous. 433 00:25:37,708 --> 00:25:40,500 All right, all right. My home is near a large lake. 434 00:25:40,583 --> 00:25:42,458 It's a pleasure to make your acquaintance. 435 00:25:42,542 --> 00:25:45,125 We've already made your acquaintance. You're Count Olaf. 436 00:25:45,208 --> 00:25:47,000 Count Olaf? 437 00:25:47,083 --> 00:25:49,375 Why would you bring up such a terrifying person? 438 00:25:49,458 --> 00:25:51,042 Count Olaf! 439 00:25:51,125 --> 00:25:55,083 Just as I was working up the courage to go put on my cardigan. 440 00:25:55,167 --> 00:25:57,917 Good thing we have a sea captain to keep us safe. 441 00:25:58,000 --> 00:26:00,750 Aunt Josephine, this is not a sea captain. This is Count Olaf. 442 00:26:00,833 --> 00:26:02,292 Klaus, I am shocked! 443 00:26:02,375 --> 00:26:03,375 It's true. 444 00:26:03,458 --> 00:26:07,375 I am shocked at your grammar. You can't say, "This is Count Olaf." 445 00:26:07,458 --> 00:26:10,167 The proper sentence is, "He is Count Olaf." 446 00:26:10,250 --> 00:26:12,417 Who is this Count Omar? He sounds handsome. 447 00:26:12,500 --> 00:26:15,542 He has the same shiny eyes and the same single eyebrow. 448 00:26:15,625 --> 00:26:17,375 Klaus! Grammar! 449 00:26:17,458 --> 00:26:19,708 - That is an eyepatch. - The tattoo! 450 00:26:19,792 --> 00:26:22,375 Count Olaf has a tattoo of an eye on his left ankle. 451 00:26:22,458 --> 00:26:23,625 Violet... 452 00:26:23,708 --> 00:26:29,458 this man's left ankle was devoured during his duties as a sailboat rental agent. 453 00:26:29,542 --> 00:26:31,583 That's how the two of us met. 454 00:26:31,667 --> 00:26:33,292 - I was shopping for limes. - She was shopping for limes. 455 00:26:34,500 --> 00:26:36,292 - Shall I? - Oh, you tell it. 456 00:26:36,375 --> 00:26:37,542 - No, you tell it. - Very well. 457 00:26:38,125 --> 00:26:40,042 I remember it as if it were yesterday. 458 00:26:40,125 --> 00:26:42,333 Although it was only a few hours ago. 459 00:26:48,208 --> 00:26:51,250 Very fresh dill. Very fresh dill. 460 00:26:51,333 --> 00:26:53,125 Have you heard that Captain Sham is in town? 461 00:26:53,208 --> 00:26:55,375 What a wonderful and handsome fellow that Captain Sham is. 462 00:26:55,458 --> 00:26:57,833 Fish heads! Fish heads! Roly-poly fish heads! 463 00:26:57,917 --> 00:27:00,083 - Speaking of handsome... - Have you heard about Captain Sham? 464 00:27:00,167 --> 00:27:02,125 I'm talking to myself about Captain Sham. 465 00:27:02,208 --> 00:27:04,208 - Limes. A whole lot of limes. - Limes! 466 00:27:04,292 --> 00:27:05,583 - Limes. - I need some limes. 467 00:27:05,667 --> 00:27:07,875 - I sell limes. - Oh, citric acid. 468 00:27:07,958 --> 00:27:09,542 Would you allow me, madam? 469 00:27:10,458 --> 00:27:13,417 I have an eye for ripeness, 470 00:27:13,500 --> 00:27:15,917 and I've always thought that the tangiest pulp 471 00:27:16,000 --> 00:27:17,500 comes from the toughest rinds. 472 00:27:17,583 --> 00:27:18,917 Oh, my. 473 00:27:19,000 --> 00:27:22,125 Of course, you're probably far too young to understand that, Miss... 474 00:27:22,208 --> 00:27:24,792 Anwhistle. Josephine Anwhistle. 475 00:27:24,875 --> 00:27:26,375 I'm Captain Sham. 476 00:27:26,458 --> 00:27:28,542 - The brave Captain Sham? - The famous Captain Sham? 477 00:27:28,625 --> 00:27:30,292 - The Captain Sham. - Who isn't in disguise? 478 00:27:30,375 --> 00:27:33,583 - Oh, I've heard your name everywhere. - Yes, that's the idea. 479 00:27:33,667 --> 00:27:37,333 My name is Captain Sham, and my home is the sea. 480 00:27:37,917 --> 00:27:39,917 Oh, I would have thought you lived nearby. 481 00:27:40,000 --> 00:27:42,792 Large lake, large lake. 482 00:27:42,875 --> 00:27:46,917 I am so happy to make the acquaintance of a local personage. 483 00:27:47,000 --> 00:27:50,208 I've been so lonely since I lost my... 484 00:27:51,708 --> 00:27:52,833 - Um... - Left. 485 00:27:52,917 --> 00:27:54,208 Left leg. 486 00:27:54,792 --> 00:27:55,833 I'm so sorry. 487 00:27:55,917 --> 00:27:58,833 Yeah, I've been fitted with a wooden prosthetic. 488 00:28:00,208 --> 00:28:02,958 - How did it happen? - Um, we used half of an old broom. 489 00:28:03,042 --> 00:28:05,292 - No, I mean, the accident. - Oh, the accident! 490 00:28:05,875 --> 00:28:07,583 Nobody could possibly understand. 491 00:28:07,667 --> 00:28:08,917 It's un-understandable. 492 00:28:09,000 --> 00:28:11,375 - I was sitting on my boat... - The way sailors do. 493 00:28:11,458 --> 00:28:14,625 - enjoying some pasta puttanesca... - Which is also totally normal. 494 00:28:14,708 --> 00:28:18,417 - when I spilled some on my leg. - And a very handsome leg it was. 495 00:28:18,500 --> 00:28:21,000 Before I knew it, the leeches were attacking me. 496 00:28:21,083 --> 00:28:22,750 - Terrible! - Ghastly! 497 00:28:22,833 --> 00:28:24,167 I fought them off as best I could. 498 00:28:24,250 --> 00:28:25,667 - Ka-pow! - Zoink! 499 00:28:25,750 --> 00:28:28,750 - But my right leg was not strong enough. - Left. 500 00:28:28,833 --> 00:28:32,250 My right leg was not strong enough to rescue my left leg. 501 00:28:32,333 --> 00:28:35,083 - That's terrible. - Yes, it is terrible. 502 00:28:35,167 --> 00:28:36,500 And no one can understand. 503 00:28:36,583 --> 00:28:37,917 - Can you, stranger? - No. 504 00:28:38,000 --> 00:28:40,125 - You, other stranger? - No. 505 00:28:40,208 --> 00:28:43,458 - I wish I could understand. - Because you're so very handsome. 506 00:28:43,542 --> 00:28:48,375 You see, nobody can understand, and that's why I'm all alone. 507 00:28:48,958 --> 00:28:50,583 Aw! 508 00:28:50,667 --> 00:28:52,625 I can understand, Captain Sham. 509 00:28:52,708 --> 00:28:53,958 - What? - It can't be! 510 00:28:54,042 --> 00:28:54,958 - Extra... - ordinary. 511 00:28:55,042 --> 00:28:56,250 I don't believe it. 512 00:28:56,333 --> 00:28:58,833 That's just how it happened with my husband. 513 00:28:58,917 --> 00:29:00,792 - That wasn't pasta. - Leeches. 514 00:29:00,875 --> 00:29:03,125 I lost my husband to the Lachrymose Leeches. 515 00:29:03,208 --> 00:29:06,583 Good heavens! I had absolutely no idea. I swear. 516 00:29:06,667 --> 00:29:07,667 None of us did. 517 00:29:07,750 --> 00:29:09,042 I've never even heard of your husband Ike. 518 00:29:09,833 --> 00:29:11,958 Then... you do understand. 519 00:29:12,042 --> 00:29:13,708 - I think I do. - What? 520 00:29:13,792 --> 00:29:14,833 - Two lost... - and damaged souls. 521 00:29:14,917 --> 00:29:16,958 K-I-S-S-I-N-G. 522 00:29:17,042 --> 00:29:20,542 Could it be possible that my lonely days are over? 523 00:29:20,625 --> 00:29:24,542 I have been lonely, too. And I disconnected the doorbell. 524 00:29:24,625 --> 00:29:27,167 - Why did you do that? - Because of electrocution. 525 00:29:27,250 --> 00:29:28,750 - That's crazy. - Uh, boss! 526 00:29:28,833 --> 00:29:32,417 Crazy because I did the exact same thing myself! 527 00:29:32,500 --> 00:29:34,292 - Really? - Okay, yes. 528 00:29:34,375 --> 00:29:36,000 The world is so terrifying. 529 00:29:36,083 --> 00:29:40,417 It is? It is! Just like the rough and tumultuous sea. 530 00:29:40,500 --> 00:29:42,292 - Lake. - Lake. 531 00:29:42,375 --> 00:29:44,958 Well, perhaps I need a captain. 532 00:29:45,042 --> 00:29:46,458 Yes. Yes! 533 00:29:46,542 --> 00:29:50,667 Perhaps we should sail this fragile and flammable world together. 534 00:29:50,750 --> 00:29:54,167 - Sail? - Yes, I'm a sailboat rental agent. 535 00:29:54,250 --> 00:29:56,708 Is that anything like a real estate agent? 536 00:29:57,292 --> 00:29:58,583 It's actually quite similar. 537 00:29:58,667 --> 00:30:01,250 Absolutely not. See? I have my own business card. 538 00:30:02,917 --> 00:30:07,208 "Captain Sham's Sailboats. Every boat has it's own sail." 539 00:30:07,833 --> 00:30:11,833 Oh, Captain, you have made a serious grammatical error here. 540 00:30:11,917 --> 00:30:12,750 What? 541 00:30:12,833 --> 00:30:16,708 This card says "it's," I-T-apostrophe-S. 542 00:30:16,792 --> 00:30:18,792 That always means "it is." 543 00:30:18,875 --> 00:30:22,458 You don't mean to say "Every boat has it is own sail." 544 00:30:22,542 --> 00:30:26,708 You mean simply I-T-S, as in "belonging to it." 545 00:30:26,792 --> 00:30:29,625 It's a common mistake, but a dreadful one. 546 00:30:29,708 --> 00:30:32,875 Thank you for pointing that out. 547 00:30:32,958 --> 00:30:37,000 Care to accompany me on a cruise through leech-infested waters? 548 00:30:37,625 --> 00:30:41,917 Oh, no, Captain. I couldn't possibly go out on Lake Lachrymose. 549 00:30:42,000 --> 00:30:43,958 Not after what happened to my husband. 550 00:30:44,042 --> 00:30:45,667 I'm surprised you can. 551 00:30:45,750 --> 00:30:48,125 I can't! I never said I could. Uh... 552 00:30:48,208 --> 00:30:49,542 Fried-egg sandwich. 553 00:30:49,625 --> 00:30:52,958 How would you like to go get a fried-egg sandwich? 554 00:30:53,042 --> 00:30:54,000 What an opportunity. 555 00:30:54,083 --> 00:30:55,375 - I'm so... - jealous. 556 00:30:55,458 --> 00:30:58,500 - I'd love to. - Great. 557 00:31:03,750 --> 00:31:08,458 Perhaps I could review it one more time. I-T-apostrophe-S. 558 00:31:08,542 --> 00:31:10,750 I'm sure they understand, Josephine! 559 00:31:10,833 --> 00:31:14,833 After all, these three children aren't blithering morons, 560 00:31:14,917 --> 00:31:16,667 are you, Baudelaires? 561 00:31:16,750 --> 00:31:21,917 No, they're wonderful, obedient little orphans. 562 00:31:22,000 --> 00:31:26,792 Maybe one day, they'll also let me take them on a boat ride, very far away. 563 00:31:29,292 --> 00:31:31,875 Ahoy, a hairless pygmy! 564 00:31:31,958 --> 00:31:34,000 She is a baby and you know that. 565 00:31:34,083 --> 00:31:36,667 We'll discuss what sort of pygmy she is later. 566 00:31:36,750 --> 00:31:40,125 In the meantime, the adults have a date. 567 00:31:40,208 --> 00:31:41,375 - I'll get my cardigan. - Hmm. 568 00:31:41,458 --> 00:31:42,750 Aunt Josephine! 569 00:31:42,833 --> 00:31:46,292 Oh, Violet, calm down. I'll be back in a jiffy! 570 00:31:47,458 --> 00:31:48,458 So... 571 00:31:50,875 --> 00:31:52,500 long time, no see. 572 00:31:52,583 --> 00:31:55,208 - You'll never get away with this. - Get away with what? 573 00:31:55,292 --> 00:31:58,958 I'm just a sea captain romancing a fierce and formidable woman. 574 00:31:59,042 --> 00:32:01,208 - You're not a sea captain. - Oh, yes, I am. 575 00:32:01,292 --> 00:32:02,792 It says so on my business cards. 576 00:32:02,875 --> 00:32:05,458 Business cards aren't proof of anything. Anyone can go to a print shop 577 00:32:05,542 --> 00:32:07,042 and have cards made that say anything they like. 578 00:32:07,125 --> 00:32:12,542 Well, you're just a heap of facts, aren't you, Klaus? 579 00:32:12,625 --> 00:32:17,500 Facts and facts and facts and facts! 580 00:32:18,083 --> 00:32:20,750 But none of them do you any good. 581 00:32:20,833 --> 00:32:23,750 Just like poor Uncle Monty. 582 00:32:23,833 --> 00:32:27,625 And your parents, may they rest in ashes. 583 00:32:27,708 --> 00:32:29,375 Oh, Captain Sham? 584 00:32:29,458 --> 00:32:30,833 Aunt Josephine, we have to tell you something. 585 00:32:30,917 --> 00:32:34,083 That's right! Stay back, Josephine! Stay back! 586 00:32:34,167 --> 00:32:35,625 There's lit candles in here! 587 00:32:35,708 --> 00:32:37,375 Everyone remain calm. 588 00:32:37,458 --> 00:32:39,250 Remain calm! 589 00:32:44,125 --> 00:32:45,958 Oh, the heat! 590 00:32:46,042 --> 00:32:47,083 The heat! 591 00:32:55,083 --> 00:32:57,667 The danger has passed. It's fine now. 592 00:32:57,750 --> 00:33:01,250 The orphans tried to engulf your entire house in flames, but it's fine now. 593 00:33:02,583 --> 00:33:04,708 Oh, thank you, Captain Sham. 594 00:33:04,792 --> 00:33:05,917 Please... 595 00:33:06,958 --> 00:33:09,375 call me... Julio. 596 00:33:09,958 --> 00:33:11,208 Julio. 597 00:33:11,292 --> 00:33:16,833 - Now, let's get a fried egg in you, madam. - I would like that very much. 598 00:33:16,917 --> 00:33:18,917 Though the orphans would like to say they're sorry, 599 00:33:19,000 --> 00:33:20,083 wouldn't you, orphans? 600 00:33:20,167 --> 00:33:21,667 We're very sorry. 601 00:33:21,750 --> 00:33:24,167 We'll speak no more about it, Baudelaires. 602 00:33:24,250 --> 00:33:27,875 Clean up the dishes and go to bed. And no more candles. 603 00:33:27,958 --> 00:33:30,458 - Yes, Aunt Josephine. - Or doorknobs! 604 00:33:30,542 --> 00:33:31,833 - Of course. - Or... 605 00:33:31,917 --> 00:33:33,250 Come now, Josephine. 606 00:33:33,333 --> 00:33:36,875 Our romantic ride in the back of a taxi awaits. 607 00:33:38,042 --> 00:33:40,500 And be careful in your dreams. 608 00:33:40,583 --> 00:33:43,792 Don't wait up, orphans. 609 00:33:46,083 --> 00:33:49,208 We have to go after her. 610 00:33:50,667 --> 00:33:52,833 There are at least half a dozen egg sandwich restaurants 611 00:33:52,917 --> 00:33:54,333 within driving distance. 612 00:33:56,500 --> 00:33:57,500 We'll walk into town. 613 00:33:57,583 --> 00:33:59,875 If we see the taxi driver, we can ask him where he took them. 614 00:33:59,958 --> 00:34:01,333 What do we do when we find them? 615 00:34:01,417 --> 00:34:04,292 Aunt Josephine's fallen for Count Olaf's disguise and for Count Olaf. 616 00:34:04,375 --> 00:34:07,042 Maybe so, but we haven't. 617 00:34:07,958 --> 00:34:10,375 Whatever Count Olaf's scheme is, we have to stop it. 618 00:34:25,667 --> 00:34:26,833 Going somewhere? 619 00:34:27,417 --> 00:34:30,000 Young people shouldn't wander around this time of night. 620 00:34:30,083 --> 00:34:31,458 There are dangerous people lurking about. 621 00:34:31,542 --> 00:34:33,167 - Go back in the house. - Where it's safer. 622 00:34:33,250 --> 00:34:35,125 And strangers can't get you. 623 00:34:35,208 --> 00:34:36,750 Strangers? Where? 624 00:34:36,833 --> 00:34:38,917 I thought you were guarding the waiter. 625 00:34:39,000 --> 00:34:40,458 I thought they were. 626 00:34:40,542 --> 00:34:43,500 - We thought he was! - So, nobody's guarding the waiter? 627 00:34:57,625 --> 00:34:59,458 We'll be keeping an eye on you. 628 00:35:05,792 --> 00:35:07,125 Must be another way out of here. 629 00:35:07,208 --> 00:35:09,708 There is one other way. Wait here. 630 00:35:12,083 --> 00:35:13,417 We can't get out that way. 631 00:35:14,042 --> 00:35:17,042 Even if that window could open, it's at least a 100-foot drop. 632 00:35:17,125 --> 00:35:19,292 Or a 100-foot climb. 633 00:35:19,375 --> 00:35:22,292 I saw some fishing nets in the kitchen. I could braid them into a ladder. 634 00:35:22,375 --> 00:35:24,208 - Violet... - We could break the window and climb down. 635 00:35:24,292 --> 00:35:25,458 - Violet... - We'd reach the water... 636 00:35:25,542 --> 00:35:26,542 - Violet... - in no time. 637 00:35:27,042 --> 00:35:29,667 - Then what? - I don't know. I don't know what to do. 638 00:35:29,750 --> 00:35:31,333 We don't even know what Count Olaf's plan is. 639 00:35:31,417 --> 00:35:33,833 We know he wants to use Aunt Josephine to get our fortune. 640 00:35:33,917 --> 00:35:37,375 Then maybe he's going to kill her, like he did Uncle Monty. 641 00:35:37,458 --> 00:35:39,667 Maybe he's gonna marry her, like he tried to do with me. 642 00:35:39,750 --> 00:35:42,833 I can think of 100 different outcomes, all of which are terrifying. 643 00:35:42,917 --> 00:35:45,917 - That must be how Aunt Josephine feels. - Maybe she's right. 644 00:35:46,000 --> 00:35:48,667 The world is scary and we should be afraid. 645 00:35:48,750 --> 00:35:50,708 No matter where we go, Count Olaf will be there. 646 00:35:51,292 --> 00:35:54,417 No matter who we tell, no one will listen to us. 647 00:35:54,500 --> 00:35:56,458 There is nowhere safe for us... 648 00:35:57,875 --> 00:35:59,625 and no guardian can help us. 649 00:36:04,417 --> 00:36:06,000 And our parents are never coming back. 650 00:36:06,083 --> 00:36:08,375 "Life is a conundrum of esoterica." 651 00:36:08,458 --> 00:36:11,292 - That's what Uncle Monty... - Uncle Monty is dead. 652 00:36:11,375 --> 00:36:12,708 Aunt Josephine isn't. 653 00:36:12,792 --> 00:36:15,917 She didn't protect us from Count Olaf, but we can still protect her. 654 00:36:16,000 --> 00:36:17,958 We have to warn her, even if it's dangerous. 655 00:36:18,583 --> 00:36:19,917 You don't sound scared. 656 00:36:20,500 --> 00:36:24,042 Remember what Mother said? "Do the scary thing first... " 657 00:36:24,125 --> 00:36:25,500 "And get scared afterwards." 658 00:36:27,583 --> 00:36:30,042 I'll see what I can find. 659 00:36:33,083 --> 00:36:35,083 I'll work on that ladder. 660 00:36:35,167 --> 00:36:38,000 I, I, I 661 00:36:39,208 --> 00:36:42,167 I love the sea 662 00:36:42,250 --> 00:36:46,083 The reason I'm a sailor 'cause 663 00:36:46,167 --> 00:36:49,250 It's the only way to be 664 00:36:49,333 --> 00:36:53,167 Well, I love schooners And I love ships 665 00:36:53,250 --> 00:36:56,750 And I love that boat that tugs 666 00:36:56,833 --> 00:37:00,458 I have nautical images 667 00:37:00,542 --> 00:37:03,083 On all my sheets and rugs 668 00:37:03,167 --> 00:37:04,208 See what I did? 669 00:37:04,292 --> 00:37:07,583 I, I, I 670 00:37:07,667 --> 00:37:10,958 I love the sea 671 00:37:11,042 --> 00:37:14,500 The reason I'm a sailor 'cause 672 00:37:14,583 --> 00:37:18,208 It's the only way to be 673 00:37:18,292 --> 00:37:21,917 The reason I'm a sailor 'cause 674 00:37:22,000 --> 00:37:28,125 It's the only way to be 675 00:37:30,083 --> 00:37:32,000 It's a large lake, actually. 676 00:37:33,208 --> 00:37:35,500 I do hope the children will be safe. 677 00:37:37,125 --> 00:37:39,417 I do hope the children will be safe. 678 00:37:42,333 --> 00:37:43,583 We should have a clear flight, 679 00:37:43,667 --> 00:37:45,542 provided the weather holds, the plane flies, 680 00:37:45,625 --> 00:37:47,458 and none of our enemies have air cannons. 681 00:37:47,542 --> 00:37:50,125 - That sounds like... - Our honeymoon. 682 00:37:51,625 --> 00:37:53,750 - Things worked out then. - Well, things change. 683 00:37:53,833 --> 00:37:56,083 We have three children who need us, and they need us now. 684 00:37:56,167 --> 00:37:59,958 - They're brave, like their mother. - They're bold, like their father. 685 00:38:01,125 --> 00:38:02,792 Have you decoded the message yet? 686 00:38:03,583 --> 00:38:08,667 It says, "You can't lock up the barn after the horses are gone." 687 00:38:08,750 --> 00:38:10,333 I hope we're not too late. 688 00:38:13,667 --> 00:38:16,542 - Bullet holes. - It is like our honeymoon. 689 00:38:17,458 --> 00:38:20,875 The expression "You can't lock up the barn after the horses are gone" 690 00:38:20,958 --> 00:38:23,542 was a favorite of a woman who meant a great deal to me, 691 00:38:23,625 --> 00:38:26,292 even after she was trampled. 692 00:38:26,375 --> 00:38:29,625 The expression simply means that sometimes even the best of plans 693 00:38:29,708 --> 00:38:31,625 will occur to you when it is too late, 694 00:38:31,708 --> 00:38:34,708 just as all of us are far, far too late 695 00:38:34,792 --> 00:38:37,250 to be of any help at all to the Baudelaires. 696 00:38:38,167 --> 00:38:41,500 I wish that I could go back somehow and warn the Baudelaires 697 00:38:41,583 --> 00:38:44,042 about what would happen that sorry evening. 698 00:38:44,667 --> 00:38:48,958 I spend many sleepless nights wishing there was some powerful invention, 699 00:38:49,042 --> 00:38:51,083 some crucial bit of research, 700 00:38:51,167 --> 00:38:54,458 that might enable me to change the Baudelaires' sad history. 701 00:38:54,542 --> 00:38:57,583 But again and again I remind myself that there was nothing I could do, 702 00:38:57,667 --> 00:39:00,917 just as the Baudelaires could do nothing to prevent that window from shattering. 703 00:39:01,000 --> 00:39:02,500 What was that? 704 00:39:02,583 --> 00:39:03,875 It sounded like a window shattering. 705 00:39:04,542 --> 00:39:07,542 - Aunt Josephine! - Aunt Josephine? 706 00:39:09,792 --> 00:39:11,417 Aunt Josephine... 707 00:39:37,458 --> 00:39:39,583 "Violet, Klaus and Sunny: 708 00:39:40,792 --> 00:39:43,417 By the time you read this note, my life will be at it's end." 709 00:39:43,500 --> 00:39:44,500 No. 710 00:39:44,583 --> 00:39:48,542 "My heart is as cold as Ike, and I find my life inbearable." 711 00:39:48,625 --> 00:39:50,375 Aunt Josephine. 712 00:39:52,250 --> 00:39:55,000 It is impossible to go back, of course, 713 00:39:55,083 --> 00:39:58,625 and tell the Baudelaires that their fears that night were entirely rational. 714 00:39:58,708 --> 00:40:01,708 It is impossible to go back and tell them anything at all, 715 00:40:01,792 --> 00:40:04,417 just as it is impossible to put Aunt Josephine's house 716 00:40:04,500 --> 00:40:06,167 back on top of this cliff. 717 00:40:08,417 --> 00:40:10,000 I can tell you something. 718 00:40:10,083 --> 00:40:12,667 I can tell you that, as the Baudelaires stood there 719 00:40:12,750 --> 00:40:15,792 and gazed out the wide window of Josephine's house, 720 00:40:15,875 --> 00:40:18,958 - believing that their guardian was dead... - Aunt Josephine. 721 00:40:19,042 --> 00:40:20,375 that they were wrong. 722 00:40:21,500 --> 00:40:24,833 I can tell you that Aunt Josephine was not dead at all. 723 00:40:30,792 --> 00:40:31,875 Not yet. 59189

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