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Good evening,
and welcome to Lachrymose News,
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00:01:24,958 --> 00:01:28,125
where things that are happening
keep happening until they stop.
3
00:01:28,208 --> 00:01:30,292
Not unlike the plight
of the Baudelaire orphans,
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00:01:30,375 --> 00:01:32,625
whom, viewers will recall,
lost their parents
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00:01:32,708 --> 00:01:34,833
and their home in a terrible fire.
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00:01:34,917 --> 00:01:37,375
With the latest update
on their dire plight
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00:01:37,458 --> 00:01:39,833
is our co-anchor Vincent Fig Demetrios.
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00:01:39,917 --> 00:01:41,583
- Vincent?
- Thanks, Veronica.
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00:01:41,667 --> 00:01:43,792
Viewers will recall
that following the fire,
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00:01:43,875 --> 00:01:46,292
the Baudelaires were sent
to live with Count Olaf,
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00:01:46,375 --> 00:01:49,917
a villainous actor and an active villain
who has vowed repeatedly
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00:01:50,000 --> 00:01:53,833
that he will stop at nothing
to get his hands on the enormous fortune
13
00:01:53,917 --> 00:01:55,750
the Baudelaire parents left behind.
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00:01:56,417 --> 00:01:57,542
Let's hope so, Vincent.
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00:01:57,625 --> 00:02:00,667
Coming up next,
some very nice people were poisoned.
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00:02:00,750 --> 00:02:02,500
But first, the weather.
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00:02:05,042 --> 00:02:07,542
If the story of the Baudelaire orphans
were a weather report,
18
00:02:07,625 --> 00:02:10,208
there would be hardly any sunshine
to be seen.
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00:02:10,292 --> 00:02:13,083
Instead, there would be
cloudbursts of unhappiness.
20
00:02:13,583 --> 00:02:15,000
Blizzards of despair.
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00:02:15,792 --> 00:02:17,917
Misery in the form of sleet storms.
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00:02:18,542 --> 00:02:20,542
Various cold fronts of terror.
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00:02:21,333 --> 00:02:22,208
Horror.
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00:02:22,917 --> 00:02:24,000
Attacks of allergies.
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00:02:25,083 --> 00:02:29,833
Not to mention the threat of a devastating
hurricane lurking just off the map.
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00:02:32,083 --> 00:02:35,167
If you didn't know about the Baudelaire
orphans' unfortunate history
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00:02:35,250 --> 00:02:37,500
and you saw them disembark
from the Fickle Ferry
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00:02:37,583 --> 00:02:38,917
and arrive at Damocles Dock,
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00:02:39,000 --> 00:02:41,125
you might think
they were bound for an exciting adventure.
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00:02:41,208 --> 00:02:43,083
Here we are, Baudelaires. Deemo...
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00:02:43,167 --> 00:02:44,792
- But you would be dead wrong.
- Dimmo...
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00:02:44,875 --> 00:02:46,833
- My name is Lemony Snicket.
- Dudy Damo...
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00:02:46,917 --> 00:02:48,875
- It's my sad duty...
- Democlay...
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00:02:48,958 --> 00:02:51,042
to tell the tale
of the Baudelaires' tragic lives.
35
00:02:51,125 --> 00:02:52,125
Dimoclath...
36
00:02:52,208 --> 00:02:54,167
But you likely have
no such responsibilities...
37
00:02:54,250 --> 00:02:56,417
- Dimoclat...
- And should escape from this sad story...
38
00:02:56,500 --> 00:02:58,667
- Demcaca...
- before another storm of melancholy
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00:02:58,750 --> 00:03:01,458
- engulfs you in dampness and misery.
- Dock.
40
00:03:01,958 --> 00:03:03,583
It's pronounced Damocles.
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00:03:03,667 --> 00:03:06,583
After the probably apocryphal figure
in Sicilian mythology.
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00:03:06,667 --> 00:03:09,417
Well, I don't have time to learn things.
The banking day has already begun.
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00:03:09,500 --> 00:03:11,625
In any case, I'm sure you'll be off
on some exciting adventure
44
00:03:11,708 --> 00:03:12,708
with your new guardian.
45
00:03:13,292 --> 00:03:16,792
Remember, you can always rely on us
at Mulctuary Money Management.
46
00:03:16,875 --> 00:03:17,875
Now, if you'll excuse me,
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00:03:17,958 --> 00:03:20,208
I will leave you alone
on this mostly deserted dock
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00:03:20,292 --> 00:03:23,250
to await for your taxi
to your Aunt Josephine's house.
49
00:03:23,333 --> 00:03:24,333
She's not meeting us here?
50
00:03:24,417 --> 00:03:26,667
Strangely, she said
she'd be unable to come to the dock,
51
00:03:26,750 --> 00:03:28,792
and I didn't think it polite to ask why.
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00:03:28,875 --> 00:03:31,167
Perhaps she's planning
a surprise party for you children.
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00:03:31,250 --> 00:03:32,500
Which reminds me,
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00:03:33,083 --> 00:03:35,000
I know you've had
a frightening and mystifying time
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00:03:35,083 --> 00:03:37,375
with that horrible man, what, um, Count...
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00:03:37,875 --> 00:03:39,792
- What's his name? Um...
- Olaf.
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00:03:39,875 --> 00:03:42,792
Olaf. Who knows where he came from?
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00:03:42,875 --> 00:03:44,250
You put us in his care.
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00:03:44,750 --> 00:03:46,500
I wouldn't exactly call it care.
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00:03:46,583 --> 00:03:49,958
He's a thief and a murderer,
and so far has completely escaped capture.
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00:03:50,042 --> 00:03:52,625
But I have the thing
that just might turn things around.
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00:03:54,625 --> 00:03:55,875
Peppermints!
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00:03:56,250 --> 00:03:59,958
Delicious peppermints!
My second favorite candy when I was a boy.
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00:04:00,042 --> 00:04:02,500
You can eat them in the taxi
on the way to meet your dowager aunt.
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00:04:02,583 --> 00:04:05,208
- What's that?
- Oh, Violet, I'm surprised at you.
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00:04:05,292 --> 00:04:07,083
A girl your age should know
that a taxi is a car
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00:04:07,167 --> 00:04:08,833
that takes you someplace
for a reasonable fee.
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00:04:08,917 --> 00:04:11,417
And this should just about cover it.
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00:04:11,750 --> 00:04:14,792
Cheers, Baudelaires!
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00:04:16,333 --> 00:04:17,375
Good luck.
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00:04:22,000 --> 00:04:25,417
- "Dowager" is a fancy word for widow.
- Thank you.
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00:04:25,500 --> 00:04:27,708
Should we have told him
we're allergic to peppermints?
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00:04:28,833 --> 00:04:30,458
It didn't seem worth mentioning.
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00:04:30,542 --> 00:04:32,417
We have a lot more important things
on our minds.
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00:04:32,500 --> 00:04:34,500
Like asking Aunt Josephine
if she can help explain
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00:04:34,583 --> 00:04:37,292
all the strange and mysterious things
that keep happening to us.
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00:04:37,375 --> 00:04:38,583
And how to get a taxi.
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00:04:41,708 --> 00:04:43,875
Does anyone need a ride somewhere
for a reasonable fee?
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00:04:48,500 --> 00:04:52,167
- This town doesn't seem very crowded.
- It's the off-season.
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00:04:52,250 --> 00:04:55,083
When the weather's nice,
this town is as crowded as can be.
81
00:04:55,167 --> 00:04:57,875
But around now, things are as dead
as the cat I ran over this morning.
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00:04:57,958 --> 00:05:00,000
Hold on.
83
00:05:03,667 --> 00:05:05,625
I hope your Aunt Josephine
has enough food and supplies
84
00:05:05,708 --> 00:05:08,000
when Hurricane Herman arrives.
It's supposed to be a doozy.
85
00:05:08,083 --> 00:05:10,917
I'm gonna sit it out in a cabin
with the works of Herman Melville
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00:05:11,000 --> 00:05:12,958
and a large pot of vegetarian chili.
87
00:05:13,042 --> 00:05:15,375
I thought hurricanes only occurred
near oceans.
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00:05:15,458 --> 00:05:18,708
With a body of water as large
as Lake Lachrymose, anything can happen.
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00:05:20,917 --> 00:05:23,500
You know, what's interesting is
the storms in Herman Melville's work
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00:05:23,583 --> 00:05:25,542
are more metaphorical,
or even allegorical,
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00:05:25,625 --> 00:05:27,833
rather than the naturalistic style
of someone like Thoreau,
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00:05:27,917 --> 00:05:28,958
if you know what I mean.
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00:05:29,042 --> 00:05:32,625
The shore represents our tenuous hold
on the earthly nature of mortal existence,
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00:05:32,708 --> 00:05:34,208
and the turbulent waters represent
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00:05:34,292 --> 00:05:36,417
the villainy and troubles
in our own lives.
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00:05:36,500 --> 00:05:41,333
Like a threatening rowboat getting closer
and closer with each passing moment.
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00:05:41,417 --> 00:05:43,875
Solitude.
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00:05:43,958 --> 00:05:47,708
Blissful contemplation of my inward eye.
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00:05:47,792 --> 00:05:51,583
Only when I am alone can I court the muse
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00:05:51,667 --> 00:05:54,125
and dream up the next step in my...
101
00:05:54,208 --> 00:05:56,583
...glorious scheme.
102
00:05:56,667 --> 00:05:59,250
And what is
the next step, boss?
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00:05:59,333 --> 00:06:00,375
Brute force?
104
00:06:00,458 --> 00:06:03,292
No, no. I need something
worthy of this grandiose locale.
105
00:06:03,375 --> 00:06:05,292
Something dashing, something romantic.
106
00:06:05,375 --> 00:06:08,417
You know, in many ways,
I am married to the sea.
107
00:06:08,500 --> 00:06:10,167
This is actually a large lake.
108
00:06:10,250 --> 00:06:14,042
I am married to the sea,
but my girlfriend is a large lake.
109
00:06:14,125 --> 00:06:17,583
- Land ho!
- I told you to stop calling me that.
110
00:06:17,667 --> 00:06:20,792
I'd say to him, "Lay off
the big white whale for a few days.
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00:06:20,875 --> 00:06:23,042
See how you feel.
Take a vacation. Rest your leg."
112
00:06:23,125 --> 00:06:24,208
Wow!
113
00:06:24,292 --> 00:06:28,083
Your aunt must be a remarkable lady
to live all the way up here by herself.
114
00:06:28,167 --> 00:06:30,833
We've been told
Aunt Josephine is fierce and formidable.
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00:06:30,917 --> 00:06:31,792
She must be.
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00:06:35,667 --> 00:06:37,417
- Good luck!
- Thank you.
117
00:06:44,167 --> 00:06:47,042
I hope she really can answer
all of our questions.
118
00:06:47,125 --> 00:06:48,375
There's so much we don't know.
119
00:06:48,458 --> 00:06:50,708
It's like we're standing
on the edge of a precipice
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00:06:50,792 --> 00:06:52,708
with no idea what lies below.
121
00:07:10,083 --> 00:07:12,167
In fact, it was exactly like that.
122
00:07:12,250 --> 00:07:13,917
Although I do know what lies below,
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00:07:14,000 --> 00:07:18,042
which is a 300-foot drop into
the freezing waters of Lake Lachrymose.
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00:07:19,917 --> 00:07:24,208
Still, standing on a precipice is better
than slipping on a precipice,
125
00:07:24,292 --> 00:07:26,000
or falling over a precipice.
126
00:07:26,083 --> 00:07:28,292
So, before things get worse,
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00:07:28,375 --> 00:07:30,917
I would advise that you take note
of the three words
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00:07:31,000 --> 00:07:34,542
the Baudelaires were about to find
on Aunt Josephine's front door.
129
00:07:34,625 --> 00:07:36,750
"Please go away."
130
00:07:44,458 --> 00:07:47,167
Don't knock. You might get splinters.
131
00:07:47,250 --> 00:07:51,500
This door is made of wood,
which is teeming with tiny shards,
132
00:07:51,583 --> 00:07:55,333
which in turn is teeming with infection.
You must never knock.
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00:07:55,417 --> 00:07:57,500
I'm sorry.
I'm sure you're right about all of that.
134
00:07:57,583 --> 00:07:59,292
We're looking for our Aunt Josephine.
135
00:07:59,375 --> 00:08:00,875
I'm Violet Baudelaire,
and these are my siblings...
136
00:08:00,958 --> 00:08:05,792
Klaus and Sunny, of course, of course.
Come in. Come in!
137
00:08:05,875 --> 00:08:09,375
- The doorbell didn't appear to be working.
- It's disconnected.
138
00:08:09,958 --> 00:08:12,083
There is the danger of electrocution.
139
00:08:12,167 --> 00:08:14,417
And be careful
not to bump into the phone.
140
00:08:14,500 --> 00:08:16,125
I've read quite a bit about electricity,
141
00:08:16,208 --> 00:08:20,958
and I'm reasonably certain
that doorbells and telephones are safe.
142
00:08:21,042 --> 00:08:22,708
Not if you have a faulty pacemaker.
143
00:08:22,792 --> 00:08:25,292
Does someone here have a faulty pacemaker?
144
00:08:25,375 --> 00:08:27,375
No, but you can never be too careful.
145
00:08:28,458 --> 00:08:30,500
Do you live with our Aunt Josephine?
146
00:08:30,583 --> 00:08:32,375
I am your Aunt Josephine.
147
00:08:36,625 --> 00:08:38,917
- You are?
- Yes, of course.
148
00:08:39,000 --> 00:08:41,750
- Are you sure?
- Of course I'm sure.
149
00:08:41,833 --> 00:08:45,167
Although, I prefer the word "certain."
Follow me.
150
00:08:45,250 --> 00:08:48,083
But mind the rug.
You might trip and break your necks.
151
00:08:49,792 --> 00:08:51,458
Fierce Aunt Josephine.
152
00:08:51,542 --> 00:08:53,375
Formidable Aunt Josephine.
153
00:08:56,583 --> 00:08:59,792
"Delmo"?
What do you mean by "delmo"?
154
00:08:59,875 --> 00:09:02,000
I consider myself an expert
on the English language,
155
00:09:02,083 --> 00:09:04,583
and I have no idea
what the word "delmo" means.
156
00:09:04,667 --> 00:09:08,208
Sunny doesn't speak fluently yet.
Just baby talk, mostly.
157
00:09:08,292 --> 00:09:11,958
Well, you have arrived just in time.
158
00:09:12,042 --> 00:09:14,667
I know you've seen many unusual things.
159
00:09:14,750 --> 00:09:17,958
- Yes, we have.
- And you must have many questions.
160
00:09:18,042 --> 00:09:19,958
- Yes, we do.
- In my library,
161
00:09:20,042 --> 00:09:23,167
you will find all the answers
that you need.
162
00:09:23,250 --> 00:09:25,208
- Are you ready?
- We're ready.
163
00:09:25,708 --> 00:09:28,542
Then open the door.
164
00:09:29,583 --> 00:09:32,750
Ah! Just... just push on the wood.
165
00:09:32,833 --> 00:09:36,875
The knob could shatter
into a million pieces and hit your eyes!
166
00:09:52,750 --> 00:09:54,500
Lake Lachrymose.
167
00:09:54,583 --> 00:09:58,708
I know every island in its waters
and every cave along its shores.
168
00:09:59,792 --> 00:10:02,750
But now I can only stand to look at it
from far away.
169
00:10:03,750 --> 00:10:05,958
That's why I couldn't meet you
on the docks.
170
00:10:06,042 --> 00:10:08,292
I'm too haunted by the past.
171
00:10:08,375 --> 00:10:10,458
Does this have anything to do
with our parents?
172
00:10:10,542 --> 00:10:13,708
Certainly not.
It has to do with my husband...
173
00:10:13,792 --> 00:10:18,000
Ike. He was my best friend, my partner,
174
00:10:18,083 --> 00:10:22,042
and one of the few people I knew who could
whistle with crackers in his mouth.
175
00:10:22,125 --> 00:10:24,458
His specialty was
Beethoven's fourth string quartet.
176
00:10:24,542 --> 00:10:26,375
- Our mother could do that.
- Her specialty
177
00:10:26,458 --> 00:10:28,208
was Mozart's 14th symphony.
178
00:10:28,292 --> 00:10:30,375
Yeah, that's right.
179
00:10:30,458 --> 00:10:33,792
We were all friends,
your parents and Ike and me.
180
00:10:33,875 --> 00:10:36,458
We used to gather
on these shores for picnics
181
00:10:36,542 --> 00:10:38,958
and to develop our own secret codes.
182
00:10:39,042 --> 00:10:43,583
- Our parents developed secret codes?
- I'll never forget our last picnic.
183
00:10:43,667 --> 00:10:48,667
I warned Ike to wait an hour after eating
before going into the lake,
184
00:10:48,750 --> 00:10:51,667
- but he only waited 45 minutes.
- Did he get cramps?
185
00:10:51,750 --> 00:10:55,250
That's what's supposed to happen
if you don't wait an hour before you swim.
186
00:10:55,333 --> 00:11:00,042
Cramps are one reason,
but in Lake Lachrymose, there's another.
187
00:11:03,625 --> 00:11:07,375
Part of the lake is a breeding ground
for the Lachrymose Leeches,
188
00:11:07,458 --> 00:11:10,958
which are quite different
from regular leeches.
189
00:11:11,042 --> 00:11:14,000
They each have six rows
of very sharp teeth
190
00:11:14,083 --> 00:11:16,083
and one very sharp nose
191
00:11:16,167 --> 00:11:21,042
that can smell the tiniest bit of food
from far, far away.
192
00:11:21,125 --> 00:11:24,083
The Lachrymose Leeches
are usually quite harmless,
193
00:11:24,167 --> 00:11:27,375
but if they smell food on a human,
194
00:11:27,458 --> 00:11:31,833
they will start to swarm around him and...
195
00:11:43,333 --> 00:11:44,625
I apologize, children.
196
00:11:45,708 --> 00:11:49,792
It is grammatically incorrect
to end a sentence with the word "and,"
197
00:11:49,875 --> 00:11:52,375
but I get so upset when I think about Ike.
198
00:11:52,458 --> 00:11:55,458
- We're sorry we asked about him.
- We didn't mean to upset you.
199
00:11:55,542 --> 00:11:58,625
Aunt Josephine,
you said you had answers for us.
200
00:11:59,208 --> 00:12:02,083
Yes! Thank you for reminding me.
201
00:12:03,708 --> 00:12:06,667
As soon as Sunny said what she said,
202
00:12:06,750 --> 00:12:09,750
I knew you were missing
some crucial information.
203
00:12:10,250 --> 00:12:11,833
Sunny? What did she say?
204
00:12:11,917 --> 00:12:15,167
Don't you remember, Klaus?
She said "delmo,"
205
00:12:15,250 --> 00:12:17,542
and that's when I knew
what I had to impart.
206
00:12:17,625 --> 00:12:23,417
The key to making sense to this...
this confusing and terrifying world.
207
00:12:24,750 --> 00:12:26,083
Perhaps you're too young.
208
00:12:26,167 --> 00:12:27,833
- We can handle it.
- We can handle anything.
209
00:12:36,292 --> 00:12:37,125
Grammar.
210
00:12:37,958 --> 00:12:39,250
- Grammar?
- Grammar.
211
00:12:39,333 --> 00:12:44,083
Since I lost Ike,
I have devoted my life to the study of it.
212
00:12:44,167 --> 00:12:47,125
Here is a complete history of nouns.
213
00:12:47,208 --> 00:12:52,333
Oh! And there is an explicitly illustrated
encyclopedia of verbs.
214
00:12:52,417 --> 00:12:54,417
I am so happy to have
215
00:12:54,500 --> 00:12:57,792
three young new charges
to learn everything,
216
00:12:58,375 --> 00:13:01,875
from the Oxford comma
to the Wesleyan semicolon.
217
00:13:01,958 --> 00:13:03,708
- Grammar.
- Grammar!
218
00:13:03,792 --> 00:13:06,375
It's the greatest joy in life,
don't you find?
219
00:13:06,458 --> 00:13:10,000
Aunt Josephine, what does grammar
have to do with developing secret codes?
220
00:13:10,083 --> 00:13:14,625
Uh, you used the wrong tense, Klaus.
It's a common grammatical error.
221
00:13:14,708 --> 00:13:16,083
You should have said,
222
00:13:16,167 --> 00:13:19,750
"What did grammar have to do
with developing secret codes?"
223
00:13:19,833 --> 00:13:22,958
- What did grammar have to do...
- Absolutely nothing.
224
00:13:23,042 --> 00:13:25,417
It's the clock.
225
00:13:25,500 --> 00:13:27,208
Lunch time.
226
00:13:27,917 --> 00:13:29,250
How does soup sound?
227
00:13:29,333 --> 00:13:31,417
Soup sounds wonderful.
228
00:13:39,167 --> 00:13:42,667
- Uh, cold soup.
- Oh, yes. I never cook anything hot.
229
00:13:42,750 --> 00:13:45,500
I'm afraid to turn on the stove.
It... it might burst into flames.
230
00:13:47,125 --> 00:13:51,458
This is chilled cucumber soup.
It's a recipe that I learned in Egypt,
231
00:13:51,542 --> 00:13:54,375
where I was briefly employed
as a snake charmer.
232
00:13:54,458 --> 00:13:57,000
Our father lived in Egypt
before we were born.
233
00:13:57,083 --> 00:13:59,083
- Is that when you...
- I don't talk about that.
234
00:13:59,167 --> 00:14:02,208
- When we were living with Uncle Monty...
- I said I don't talk about that.
235
00:14:02,292 --> 00:14:05,917
- But there was a statue...
- Klaus, I said I don't talk about that.
236
00:14:06,417 --> 00:14:08,708
You don't talk about that?
Or you won't?
237
00:14:11,875 --> 00:14:14,167
This is one of those
rare grammatical instances
238
00:14:14,250 --> 00:14:17,208
where "don't" and "won't"
mean the same thing.
239
00:14:17,292 --> 00:14:21,083
I knew your parents a long time ago,
when things were very different.
240
00:14:21,708 --> 00:14:23,875
Those were fierce and formidable days.
241
00:14:24,542 --> 00:14:28,250
But I don't talk about that,
and you won't hear about that.
242
00:14:28,333 --> 00:14:29,917
I shouldn't have to tell you orphans
243
00:14:30,000 --> 00:14:33,167
there are many, many things
to be afraid of in this world.
244
00:14:33,250 --> 00:14:35,917
The safest strategy
is to be afraid of them all.
245
00:14:39,042 --> 00:14:41,500
I like to think of happier things.
246
00:14:41,583 --> 00:14:45,917
The joys of grammar
and how much Ike loved the sunshine.
247
00:14:46,000 --> 00:14:47,792
I like to imagine that where he is now,
248
00:14:47,875 --> 00:14:51,375
the weather is just as lovely
and sunny as can be.
249
00:14:51,458 --> 00:14:53,750
Of course, nobody knows
what happens to you when you die,
250
00:14:53,833 --> 00:14:56,458
but I like to think
that my husband is somewhere hot.
251
00:14:56,542 --> 00:15:00,458
Aunt Josephine, have you ever thought
about moving somewhere else?
252
00:15:01,042 --> 00:15:03,125
Maybe if you lived far away
from Lake Lachrymose,
253
00:15:03,208 --> 00:15:05,417
- you might feel better.
- We'd go with you.
254
00:15:06,333 --> 00:15:08,292
Maybe then you'd feel comfortable enough
255
00:15:08,375 --> 00:15:12,458
to discuss some of the things
you don't and won't discuss.
256
00:15:12,542 --> 00:15:14,583
I could never sell this house.
257
00:15:15,292 --> 00:15:17,042
I'm afraid of real estate agents.
258
00:15:22,208 --> 00:15:24,417
I'm sure you know
there are two kinds of fears:
259
00:15:24,500 --> 00:15:26,208
rational and irrational.
260
00:15:26,292 --> 00:15:27,458
Or, in simpler terms,
261
00:15:27,542 --> 00:15:29,667
fears that make sense
and fears that don't.
262
00:15:29,750 --> 00:15:33,583
For instance, the Baudelaire orphans
had a fear of Count Olaf,
263
00:15:33,667 --> 00:15:36,250
which makes perfect sense
because he is an evil man
264
00:15:36,333 --> 00:15:37,583
who wants to destroy them.
265
00:15:37,667 --> 00:15:40,250
But if they were afraid
of lemon meringue pie,
266
00:15:40,333 --> 00:15:43,958
that would be an irrational fear
because lemon meringue pie is delicious
267
00:15:44,042 --> 00:15:45,667
and has never hurt a soul.
268
00:15:45,750 --> 00:15:49,292
Being afraid of hurricanes
is perfectly rational
269
00:15:49,375 --> 00:15:51,958
because they can be quite sinister
and destructive.
270
00:15:52,042 --> 00:15:55,375
But a fear of real estate agents,
a term which here means
271
00:15:55,458 --> 00:15:58,375
"people who assist in the buying
and selling of houses,"
272
00:15:58,458 --> 00:16:00,083
would be an irrational fear
273
00:16:00,167 --> 00:16:04,292
because nothing sinister has ever come
from the real estate market.
274
00:16:35,375 --> 00:16:37,792
Count Olaf.
I didn't think I'd see you again
275
00:16:37,875 --> 00:16:40,125
after all that unpleasantness
with Mr. Snicket.
276
00:16:40,208 --> 00:16:42,875
What are you doing here?
It's the off-season.
277
00:16:42,958 --> 00:16:46,875
Thanks to a helpful real estate agent,
this restaurant is under new management.
278
00:16:46,958 --> 00:16:49,292
New management?
Don't make me laugh.
279
00:16:49,375 --> 00:16:50,750
You're not laughing.
280
00:16:50,833 --> 00:16:52,292
Neither are you.
281
00:16:53,000 --> 00:16:56,042
The Baudelaires are safe and sound
and learning everything they need to know
282
00:16:56,125 --> 00:16:57,458
- about our secret organization.
- Oh?
283
00:16:57,542 --> 00:17:00,208
They should've begun their training
years ago, but it's not too late.
284
00:17:00,292 --> 00:17:01,375
Rats!
285
00:17:01,458 --> 00:17:05,750
Their new guardian is the most fierce
and formidable member of our organization.
286
00:17:05,833 --> 00:17:07,000
Wait, not Snicket?
287
00:17:07,083 --> 00:17:09,292
What? No. Isn't he dead?
288
00:17:09,375 --> 00:17:10,708
Is he?
289
00:17:11,958 --> 00:17:12,958
It doesn't matter.
290
00:17:13,042 --> 00:17:17,167
All your silly codes
and obscure literary references
291
00:17:17,250 --> 00:17:18,500
- can't save you.
- Oh?
292
00:17:18,583 --> 00:17:20,583
The Baudelaire children will be destroyed,
293
00:17:20,667 --> 00:17:22,667
- and their fortune will be mine.
- Rats!
294
00:17:22,750 --> 00:17:26,333
You and your ridiculous comrades
will be swept away.
295
00:17:29,125 --> 00:17:31,542
- We'll see about that.
- Yes, we will.
296
00:17:31,625 --> 00:17:34,375
That's what I'm saying.
You can push me around all you want...
297
00:17:34,458 --> 00:17:36,333
- Thank you.
- But Josephine will stop you.
298
00:17:36,417 --> 00:17:37,417
The children will stop you.
299
00:17:37,500 --> 00:17:39,792
Reports indicate
that they have incredible gifts.
300
00:17:40,833 --> 00:17:42,250
Josephine?
301
00:17:56,125 --> 00:17:57,458
Gifts!
302
00:17:58,625 --> 00:18:01,042
For Violet, a lovely doll...
303
00:18:02,375 --> 00:18:04,083
with plenty of outfits.
304
00:18:05,333 --> 00:18:08,000
Her name is Pretty Penny.
305
00:18:08,500 --> 00:18:11,083
- Isn't she adorable?
- She looks a little like Madame Curie.
306
00:18:12,333 --> 00:18:15,000
For Klaus, a deck of cards.
307
00:18:15,667 --> 00:18:19,750
I have never been a young boy,
but I hear they enjoy card games.
308
00:18:19,833 --> 00:18:22,667
I once read a book about the history
of legalized gambling.
309
00:18:23,667 --> 00:18:27,458
And for little Sunny, it is a rattle.
310
00:18:27,542 --> 00:18:29,958
It makes a little noise.
311
00:18:32,875 --> 00:18:33,792
Do you like them?
312
00:18:33,875 --> 00:18:36,125
It's very generous of you, Aunt Josephine.
313
00:18:36,208 --> 00:18:39,292
Well, I know
my home isn't the warmest place,
314
00:18:39,375 --> 00:18:42,375
but if you follow the rules,
it will be a safe one.
315
00:18:42,458 --> 00:18:47,792
And as your guardian,
your safety is my greatest responsibility.
316
00:18:47,875 --> 00:18:52,292
That is why I put cans
near all the doors and windows each night.
317
00:18:52,375 --> 00:18:55,583
In case any burglars come in,
they trip over the cans and wake us up.
318
00:18:55,667 --> 00:18:58,083
But what if we're awake in the house
with an angry burglar?
319
00:18:58,167 --> 00:18:59,708
Angry burglar? Where?
320
00:18:59,792 --> 00:19:02,375
Aunt Josephine, you must be very worried
about Hurricane Herman.
321
00:19:02,458 --> 00:19:03,625
- Hurricane?
- Herman.
322
00:19:03,708 --> 00:19:06,292
The taxi driver said
it's a huge storm headed our way.
323
00:19:06,375 --> 00:19:07,583
Oh, dear.
324
00:19:07,667 --> 00:19:10,458
We'll need food! We'll need supplies!
325
00:19:10,542 --> 00:19:12,750
We must all go to town immediately.
326
00:19:12,833 --> 00:19:15,208
Maybe my sisters and I could stay here.
327
00:19:15,292 --> 00:19:19,292
Good point. You never know
what might happen in a small town.
328
00:19:19,375 --> 00:19:23,417
You ever read Thornton Wilder?
Perhaps we should all stay here.
329
00:19:23,500 --> 00:19:27,208
Of course, but what if we run out of food
in the middle of a hurricane?
330
00:19:27,292 --> 00:19:30,250
- Wouldn't that be frightening?
- Terrifyingly frightening?
331
00:19:34,958 --> 00:19:37,250
I won't be long, children!
332
00:19:37,792 --> 00:19:42,625
Don't do anything dangerous!
You know, anything I wouldn't do!
333
00:19:42,708 --> 00:19:45,333
- Of course not!
- Nothing you wouldn't do!
334
00:19:56,000 --> 00:19:57,167
I know you don't care for the sound,
335
00:19:57,250 --> 00:19:59,458
but maybe I could use your rattle
to invent a burglar alarm
336
00:19:59,542 --> 00:20:02,208
so Aunt Josephine
won't have to rely on piles of cans.
337
00:20:02,292 --> 00:20:04,208
And, Sunny,
you can have the deck of cards.
338
00:20:04,792 --> 00:20:06,542
You enjoy playing poker more than I do.
339
00:20:06,625 --> 00:20:10,333
- That leaves you with the doll.
- Plenty of boys enjoy playing with dolls.
340
00:20:10,417 --> 00:20:12,292
Although, I would rather a book.
341
00:20:12,375 --> 00:20:15,458
- That doesn't seem fair.
- At least Aunt Josephine's trying.
342
00:20:15,542 --> 00:20:18,583
She wanted to get us gifts,
even though she didn't know what we liked.
343
00:20:18,667 --> 00:20:20,083
We shouldn't complain.
344
00:20:20,167 --> 00:20:21,917
You're right. She means well.
345
00:20:22,000 --> 00:20:24,625
Even though she's terrified of everything,
we shouldn't complain.
346
00:20:24,708 --> 00:20:26,125
You're right.
347
00:20:30,000 --> 00:20:32,833
- I want to complain anyway.
- Let's get to work.
348
00:20:41,750 --> 00:20:43,750
Aunt Josephine told us
that all the answers we need
349
00:20:43,833 --> 00:20:46,292
were in her library,
but she made a grammatical error.
350
00:20:46,375 --> 00:20:49,208
Wait, let me get this straight.
Aunt Josephine made a grammatical error?
351
00:20:49,958 --> 00:20:52,583
The word "library" is singular,
meaning one.
352
00:20:52,667 --> 00:20:55,042
But this isn't one library, it's two.
353
00:20:55,125 --> 00:20:56,750
The one you see here...
354
00:21:00,167 --> 00:21:01,292
and the one you don't.
355
00:21:01,375 --> 00:21:04,500
Aunt Josephine might not open up,
but her safe might.
356
00:21:04,583 --> 00:21:07,042
That won't be easy.
That's why people have safes.
357
00:21:07,125 --> 00:21:08,958
Most safes use three numbers.
358
00:21:09,042 --> 00:21:11,375
That means that there are thousands
of possible combinations.
359
00:21:11,458 --> 00:21:12,292
One million.
360
00:21:12,375 --> 00:21:14,917
Aunt Josephine said that she
and our parents developed secret codes.
361
00:21:15,833 --> 00:21:19,292
In some codes,
numbers substitute for letters and words.
362
00:21:19,375 --> 00:21:22,333
It'd have to be something she'd remember.
Something she cares about.
363
00:21:22,417 --> 00:21:24,292
- "Grammar"?
- Too many letters.
364
00:21:24,375 --> 00:21:27,125
What else does she care about?
Cold food?
365
00:21:27,208 --> 00:21:28,208
Doorbell safety?
366
00:21:28,292 --> 00:21:30,375
Avoiding questions
about anything we want to know?
367
00:21:31,958 --> 00:21:33,458
That's three letters long.
368
00:21:35,958 --> 00:21:39,292
"I" is the ninth letter of the alphabet.
369
00:21:39,375 --> 00:21:41,625
Eleven for "K."
370
00:21:42,125 --> 00:21:44,500
And "E," the fifth.
371
00:21:53,292 --> 00:21:54,333
Crackers?
372
00:22:00,208 --> 00:22:01,958
Very high-pitched Beethoven.
373
00:22:02,042 --> 00:22:05,208
That's Ike's whistling music. And look...
374
00:22:07,417 --> 00:22:09,708
Aunt Josephine wrestling
with an alligator?
375
00:22:09,792 --> 00:22:10,917
And winning.
376
00:22:11,000 --> 00:22:13,708
Boxing. Skydiving.
377
00:22:14,292 --> 00:22:16,417
Who jumps out of a plane for fun?
378
00:22:16,500 --> 00:22:18,042
Cooking with fire.
379
00:22:18,125 --> 00:22:21,917
- She wasn't scared of anything.
- What happened to her?
380
00:22:26,458 --> 00:22:28,792
The Incomplete History
of Secret Organizations.
381
00:22:28,875 --> 00:22:30,208
All the answers are in here.
382
00:22:30,292 --> 00:22:32,292
Even if our guardian
won't tell us anything,
383
00:22:32,375 --> 00:22:34,417
we can still find out
what we're looking for.
384
00:22:34,500 --> 00:22:36,917
Not the doorknob!
Not the doorknob!
385
00:22:51,917 --> 00:22:53,083
Baudelaires.
386
00:22:53,583 --> 00:22:55,958
Baudelaires, there you are.
387
00:22:56,042 --> 00:22:57,292
Sunny!
388
00:22:57,375 --> 00:23:01,500
I found something very interesting
at the town market and petting zoo.
389
00:23:01,750 --> 00:23:02,583
Limes.
390
00:23:03,167 --> 00:23:07,375
I found two very interesting things
at the town market and petting zoo.
391
00:23:07,458 --> 00:23:10,750
One, yes, a great deal of limes
at a reasonable price.
392
00:23:10,833 --> 00:23:12,917
It's perfect for cold lime stew.
393
00:23:13,000 --> 00:23:14,875
The other is even better.
394
00:23:18,292 --> 00:23:20,250
Something wonderful.
395
00:23:21,417 --> 00:23:27,500
Baudelaires, I know I am a disappointment
to you and to countless others.
396
00:23:27,583 --> 00:23:30,917
Believe it or not, I used to be
a fierce and formidable woman.
397
00:23:31,000 --> 00:23:35,958
Your parents and I were more than friends.
We were associates.
398
00:23:36,042 --> 00:23:42,500
We were colleagues, comrades,
collaborators, allies, volunteers!
399
00:23:42,583 --> 00:23:45,042
But these are troubling times.
400
00:23:45,125 --> 00:23:46,875
I know you miss Ike very much.
401
00:23:46,958 --> 00:23:49,583
And I know you miss
your parents very much.
402
00:23:49,667 --> 00:23:52,833
It's a curious thing,
the death of a loved one.
403
00:23:52,917 --> 00:23:56,417
It's like climbing the stairs
to your room in the dark,
404
00:23:56,500 --> 00:24:00,250
thinking that there's one more stair
than there is.
405
00:24:00,333 --> 00:24:03,250
And your foot falls through the air,
406
00:24:03,750 --> 00:24:07,250
and there is a sickly feeling
of dark surprise.
407
00:24:07,333 --> 00:24:10,500
- That's exactly what it's like.
- It's terrifying.
408
00:24:10,583 --> 00:24:14,500
But today I realized,
with my hands full of limes,
409
00:24:14,583 --> 00:24:17,167
you can't be terrified forever.
410
00:24:17,250 --> 00:24:20,875
I think I am ready to be fierce
and formidable again.
411
00:24:20,958 --> 00:24:25,000
- And I think we can do it together.
- That sounds wonderful.
412
00:24:25,500 --> 00:24:29,042
So, can I leave you children alone
a few more hours?
413
00:24:29,125 --> 00:24:32,083
He wants to take me out
for a fried-egg sandwich.
414
00:24:32,708 --> 00:24:34,292
- What?
- I met a man,
415
00:24:34,375 --> 00:24:37,833
a gentleman,
at the town market and petting zoo.
416
00:24:37,917 --> 00:24:40,250
He has had a troubled past,
417
00:24:40,333 --> 00:24:43,292
and we're going to talk about it
over a fried-egg sandwich.
418
00:24:43,375 --> 00:24:45,750
It'll be good to have something hot
for a change.
419
00:24:45,833 --> 00:24:51,042
I just wanted to get a warm cardigan
that's flattering to my figure.
420
00:24:51,125 --> 00:24:52,958
You're going on a date?
421
00:24:53,042 --> 00:24:57,750
Don't be vulgar, Violet.
It is not a date, necessarily.
422
00:24:57,833 --> 00:25:02,417
It's just two adults sharing
quality time together
423
00:25:02,500 --> 00:25:06,250
over toasted rye bread and runny yolks.
424
00:25:06,333 --> 00:25:08,000
Oh, be nice to him, won't you?
425
00:25:08,083 --> 00:25:10,417
Just make small talk
while I get my sweater.
426
00:25:13,625 --> 00:25:17,167
Oh, Captain!
427
00:25:17,250 --> 00:25:20,542
I'm hobbling as fast as I can, Josephine.
428
00:25:24,542 --> 00:25:28,000
Well, good evening, children.
429
00:25:28,083 --> 00:25:31,750
My name is Captain Sham,
and my home is the sea.
430
00:25:32,958 --> 00:25:34,125
No, it isn't.
431
00:25:34,208 --> 00:25:36,083
Well, it's... it's a large lake.
432
00:25:36,167 --> 00:25:37,625
Don't be ridiculous.
433
00:25:37,708 --> 00:25:40,500
All right, all right.
My home is near a large lake.
434
00:25:40,583 --> 00:25:42,458
It's a pleasure to make your acquaintance.
435
00:25:42,542 --> 00:25:45,125
We've already made your acquaintance.
You're Count Olaf.
436
00:25:45,208 --> 00:25:47,000
Count Olaf?
437
00:25:47,083 --> 00:25:49,375
Why would you bring up
such a terrifying person?
438
00:25:49,458 --> 00:25:51,042
Count Olaf!
439
00:25:51,125 --> 00:25:55,083
Just as I was working up the courage
to go put on my cardigan.
440
00:25:55,167 --> 00:25:57,917
Good thing we have a sea captain
to keep us safe.
441
00:25:58,000 --> 00:26:00,750
Aunt Josephine, this is not a sea captain.
This is Count Olaf.
442
00:26:00,833 --> 00:26:02,292
Klaus, I am shocked!
443
00:26:02,375 --> 00:26:03,375
It's true.
444
00:26:03,458 --> 00:26:07,375
I am shocked at your grammar.
You can't say, "This is Count Olaf."
445
00:26:07,458 --> 00:26:10,167
The proper sentence is,
"He is Count Olaf."
446
00:26:10,250 --> 00:26:12,417
Who is this Count Omar?
He sounds handsome.
447
00:26:12,500 --> 00:26:15,542
He has the same shiny eyes
and the same single eyebrow.
448
00:26:15,625 --> 00:26:17,375
Klaus! Grammar!
449
00:26:17,458 --> 00:26:19,708
- That is an eyepatch.
- The tattoo!
450
00:26:19,792 --> 00:26:22,375
Count Olaf has a tattoo of an eye
on his left ankle.
451
00:26:22,458 --> 00:26:23,625
Violet...
452
00:26:23,708 --> 00:26:29,458
this man's left ankle was devoured during
his duties as a sailboat rental agent.
453
00:26:29,542 --> 00:26:31,583
That's how the two of us met.
454
00:26:31,667 --> 00:26:33,292
- I was shopping for limes.
- She was shopping for limes.
455
00:26:34,500 --> 00:26:36,292
- Shall I?
- Oh, you tell it.
456
00:26:36,375 --> 00:26:37,542
- No, you tell it.
- Very well.
457
00:26:38,125 --> 00:26:40,042
I remember it as if it were yesterday.
458
00:26:40,125 --> 00:26:42,333
Although it was only a few hours ago.
459
00:26:48,208 --> 00:26:51,250
Very fresh dill. Very fresh dill.
460
00:26:51,333 --> 00:26:53,125
Have you heard
that Captain Sham is in town?
461
00:26:53,208 --> 00:26:55,375
What a wonderful and handsome fellow
that Captain Sham is.
462
00:26:55,458 --> 00:26:57,833
Fish heads! Fish heads!
Roly-poly fish heads!
463
00:26:57,917 --> 00:27:00,083
- Speaking of handsome...
- Have you heard about Captain Sham?
464
00:27:00,167 --> 00:27:02,125
I'm talking to myself about Captain Sham.
465
00:27:02,208 --> 00:27:04,208
- Limes. A whole lot of limes.
- Limes!
466
00:27:04,292 --> 00:27:05,583
- Limes.
- I need some limes.
467
00:27:05,667 --> 00:27:07,875
- I sell limes.
- Oh, citric acid.
468
00:27:07,958 --> 00:27:09,542
Would you allow me, madam?
469
00:27:10,458 --> 00:27:13,417
I have an eye for ripeness,
470
00:27:13,500 --> 00:27:15,917
and I've always thought
that the tangiest pulp
471
00:27:16,000 --> 00:27:17,500
comes from the toughest rinds.
472
00:27:17,583 --> 00:27:18,917
Oh, my.
473
00:27:19,000 --> 00:27:22,125
Of course, you're probably
far too young to understand that, Miss...
474
00:27:22,208 --> 00:27:24,792
Anwhistle. Josephine Anwhistle.
475
00:27:24,875 --> 00:27:26,375
I'm Captain Sham.
476
00:27:26,458 --> 00:27:28,542
- The brave Captain Sham?
- The famous Captain Sham?
477
00:27:28,625 --> 00:27:30,292
- The Captain Sham.
- Who isn't in disguise?
478
00:27:30,375 --> 00:27:33,583
- Oh, I've heard your name everywhere.
- Yes, that's the idea.
479
00:27:33,667 --> 00:27:37,333
My name is Captain Sham,
and my home is the sea.
480
00:27:37,917 --> 00:27:39,917
Oh, I would have thought you lived nearby.
481
00:27:40,000 --> 00:27:42,792
Large lake, large lake.
482
00:27:42,875 --> 00:27:46,917
I am so happy to make the acquaintance
of a local personage.
483
00:27:47,000 --> 00:27:50,208
I've been so lonely since I lost my...
484
00:27:51,708 --> 00:27:52,833
- Um...
- Left.
485
00:27:52,917 --> 00:27:54,208
Left leg.
486
00:27:54,792 --> 00:27:55,833
I'm so sorry.
487
00:27:55,917 --> 00:27:58,833
Yeah, I've been fitted
with a wooden prosthetic.
488
00:28:00,208 --> 00:28:02,958
- How did it happen?
- Um, we used half of an old broom.
489
00:28:03,042 --> 00:28:05,292
- No, I mean, the accident.
- Oh, the accident!
490
00:28:05,875 --> 00:28:07,583
Nobody could possibly understand.
491
00:28:07,667 --> 00:28:08,917
It's un-understandable.
492
00:28:09,000 --> 00:28:11,375
- I was sitting on my boat...
- The way sailors do.
493
00:28:11,458 --> 00:28:14,625
- enjoying some pasta puttanesca...
- Which is also totally normal.
494
00:28:14,708 --> 00:28:18,417
- when I spilled some on my leg.
- And a very handsome leg it was.
495
00:28:18,500 --> 00:28:21,000
Before I knew it,
the leeches were attacking me.
496
00:28:21,083 --> 00:28:22,750
- Terrible!
- Ghastly!
497
00:28:22,833 --> 00:28:24,167
I fought them off as best I could.
498
00:28:24,250 --> 00:28:25,667
- Ka-pow!
- Zoink!
499
00:28:25,750 --> 00:28:28,750
- But my right leg was not strong enough.
- Left.
500
00:28:28,833 --> 00:28:32,250
My right leg was not strong enough
to rescue my left leg.
501
00:28:32,333 --> 00:28:35,083
- That's terrible.
- Yes, it is terrible.
502
00:28:35,167 --> 00:28:36,500
And no one can understand.
503
00:28:36,583 --> 00:28:37,917
- Can you, stranger?
- No.
504
00:28:38,000 --> 00:28:40,125
- You, other stranger?
- No.
505
00:28:40,208 --> 00:28:43,458
- I wish I could understand.
- Because you're so very handsome.
506
00:28:43,542 --> 00:28:48,375
You see, nobody can understand,
and that's why I'm all alone.
507
00:28:48,958 --> 00:28:50,583
Aw!
508
00:28:50,667 --> 00:28:52,625
I can understand, Captain Sham.
509
00:28:52,708 --> 00:28:53,958
- What?
- It can't be!
510
00:28:54,042 --> 00:28:54,958
- Extra...
- ordinary.
511
00:28:55,042 --> 00:28:56,250
I don't believe it.
512
00:28:56,333 --> 00:28:58,833
That's just how it happened
with my husband.
513
00:28:58,917 --> 00:29:00,792
- That wasn't pasta.
- Leeches.
514
00:29:00,875 --> 00:29:03,125
I lost my husband
to the Lachrymose Leeches.
515
00:29:03,208 --> 00:29:06,583
Good heavens!
I had absolutely no idea. I swear.
516
00:29:06,667 --> 00:29:07,667
None of us did.
517
00:29:07,750 --> 00:29:09,042
I've never even heard of your husband Ike.
518
00:29:09,833 --> 00:29:11,958
Then... you do understand.
519
00:29:12,042 --> 00:29:13,708
- I think I do.
- What?
520
00:29:13,792 --> 00:29:14,833
- Two lost...
- and damaged souls.
521
00:29:14,917 --> 00:29:16,958
K-I-S-S-I-N-G.
522
00:29:17,042 --> 00:29:20,542
Could it be possible
that my lonely days are over?
523
00:29:20,625 --> 00:29:24,542
I have been lonely, too.
And I disconnected the doorbell.
524
00:29:24,625 --> 00:29:27,167
- Why did you do that?
- Because of electrocution.
525
00:29:27,250 --> 00:29:28,750
- That's crazy.
- Uh, boss!
526
00:29:28,833 --> 00:29:32,417
Crazy because
I did the exact same thing myself!
527
00:29:32,500 --> 00:29:34,292
- Really?
- Okay, yes.
528
00:29:34,375 --> 00:29:36,000
The world is so terrifying.
529
00:29:36,083 --> 00:29:40,417
It is? It is!
Just like the rough and tumultuous sea.
530
00:29:40,500 --> 00:29:42,292
- Lake.
- Lake.
531
00:29:42,375 --> 00:29:44,958
Well, perhaps I need a captain.
532
00:29:45,042 --> 00:29:46,458
Yes. Yes!
533
00:29:46,542 --> 00:29:50,667
Perhaps we should sail this fragile
and flammable world together.
534
00:29:50,750 --> 00:29:54,167
- Sail?
- Yes, I'm a sailboat rental agent.
535
00:29:54,250 --> 00:29:56,708
Is that anything
like a real estate agent?
536
00:29:57,292 --> 00:29:58,583
It's actually quite similar.
537
00:29:58,667 --> 00:30:01,250
Absolutely not.
See? I have my own business card.
538
00:30:02,917 --> 00:30:07,208
"Captain Sham's Sailboats.
Every boat has it's own sail."
539
00:30:07,833 --> 00:30:11,833
Oh, Captain, you have made
a serious grammatical error here.
540
00:30:11,917 --> 00:30:12,750
What?
541
00:30:12,833 --> 00:30:16,708
This card says "it's," I-T-apostrophe-S.
542
00:30:16,792 --> 00:30:18,792
That always means "it is."
543
00:30:18,875 --> 00:30:22,458
You don't mean to say
"Every boat has it is own sail."
544
00:30:22,542 --> 00:30:26,708
You mean simply I-T-S,
as in "belonging to it."
545
00:30:26,792 --> 00:30:29,625
It's a common mistake, but a dreadful one.
546
00:30:29,708 --> 00:30:32,875
Thank you for pointing that out.
547
00:30:32,958 --> 00:30:37,000
Care to accompany me on a cruise
through leech-infested waters?
548
00:30:37,625 --> 00:30:41,917
Oh, no, Captain. I couldn't possibly
go out on Lake Lachrymose.
549
00:30:42,000 --> 00:30:43,958
Not after what happened to my husband.
550
00:30:44,042 --> 00:30:45,667
I'm surprised you can.
551
00:30:45,750 --> 00:30:48,125
I can't! I never said I could. Uh...
552
00:30:48,208 --> 00:30:49,542
Fried-egg sandwich.
553
00:30:49,625 --> 00:30:52,958
How would you like to go get
a fried-egg sandwich?
554
00:30:53,042 --> 00:30:54,000
What an opportunity.
555
00:30:54,083 --> 00:30:55,375
- I'm so...
- jealous.
556
00:30:55,458 --> 00:30:58,500
- I'd love to.
- Great.
557
00:31:03,750 --> 00:31:08,458
Perhaps I could review it one more time.
I-T-apostrophe-S.
558
00:31:08,542 --> 00:31:10,750
I'm sure they understand, Josephine!
559
00:31:10,833 --> 00:31:14,833
After all, these three children
aren't blithering morons,
560
00:31:14,917 --> 00:31:16,667
are you, Baudelaires?
561
00:31:16,750 --> 00:31:21,917
No, they're wonderful,
obedient little orphans.
562
00:31:22,000 --> 00:31:26,792
Maybe one day, they'll also let me
take them on a boat ride, very far away.
563
00:31:29,292 --> 00:31:31,875
Ahoy, a hairless pygmy!
564
00:31:31,958 --> 00:31:34,000
She is a baby and you know that.
565
00:31:34,083 --> 00:31:36,667
We'll discuss
what sort of pygmy she is later.
566
00:31:36,750 --> 00:31:40,125
In the meantime, the adults have a date.
567
00:31:40,208 --> 00:31:41,375
- I'll get my cardigan.
- Hmm.
568
00:31:41,458 --> 00:31:42,750
Aunt Josephine!
569
00:31:42,833 --> 00:31:46,292
Oh, Violet, calm down.
I'll be back in a jiffy!
570
00:31:47,458 --> 00:31:48,458
So...
571
00:31:50,875 --> 00:31:52,500
long time, no see.
572
00:31:52,583 --> 00:31:55,208
- You'll never get away with this.
- Get away with what?
573
00:31:55,292 --> 00:31:58,958
I'm just a sea captain
romancing a fierce and formidable woman.
574
00:31:59,042 --> 00:32:01,208
- You're not a sea captain.
- Oh, yes, I am.
575
00:32:01,292 --> 00:32:02,792
It says so on my business cards.
576
00:32:02,875 --> 00:32:05,458
Business cards aren't proof of anything.
Anyone can go to a print shop
577
00:32:05,542 --> 00:32:07,042
and have cards made
that say anything they like.
578
00:32:07,125 --> 00:32:12,542
Well, you're just a heap of facts,
aren't you, Klaus?
579
00:32:12,625 --> 00:32:17,500
Facts and facts and facts and facts!
580
00:32:18,083 --> 00:32:20,750
But none of them do you any good.
581
00:32:20,833 --> 00:32:23,750
Just like poor Uncle Monty.
582
00:32:23,833 --> 00:32:27,625
And your parents, may they rest in ashes.
583
00:32:27,708 --> 00:32:29,375
Oh, Captain Sham?
584
00:32:29,458 --> 00:32:30,833
Aunt Josephine,
we have to tell you something.
585
00:32:30,917 --> 00:32:34,083
That's right!
Stay back, Josephine! Stay back!
586
00:32:34,167 --> 00:32:35,625
There's lit candles in here!
587
00:32:35,708 --> 00:32:37,375
Everyone remain calm.
588
00:32:37,458 --> 00:32:39,250
Remain calm!
589
00:32:44,125 --> 00:32:45,958
Oh, the heat!
590
00:32:46,042 --> 00:32:47,083
The heat!
591
00:32:55,083 --> 00:32:57,667
The danger has passed. It's fine now.
592
00:32:57,750 --> 00:33:01,250
The orphans tried to engulf your entire
house in flames, but it's fine now.
593
00:33:02,583 --> 00:33:04,708
Oh, thank you, Captain Sham.
594
00:33:04,792 --> 00:33:05,917
Please...
595
00:33:06,958 --> 00:33:09,375
call me... Julio.
596
00:33:09,958 --> 00:33:11,208
Julio.
597
00:33:11,292 --> 00:33:16,833
- Now, let's get a fried egg in you, madam.
- I would like that very much.
598
00:33:16,917 --> 00:33:18,917
Though the orphans would like
to say they're sorry,
599
00:33:19,000 --> 00:33:20,083
wouldn't you, orphans?
600
00:33:20,167 --> 00:33:21,667
We're very sorry.
601
00:33:21,750 --> 00:33:24,167
We'll speak no more about it, Baudelaires.
602
00:33:24,250 --> 00:33:27,875
Clean up the dishes and go to bed.
And no more candles.
603
00:33:27,958 --> 00:33:30,458
- Yes, Aunt Josephine.
- Or doorknobs!
604
00:33:30,542 --> 00:33:31,833
- Of course.
- Or...
605
00:33:31,917 --> 00:33:33,250
Come now, Josephine.
606
00:33:33,333 --> 00:33:36,875
Our romantic ride
in the back of a taxi awaits.
607
00:33:38,042 --> 00:33:40,500
And be careful in your dreams.
608
00:33:40,583 --> 00:33:43,792
Don't wait up, orphans.
609
00:33:46,083 --> 00:33:49,208
We have to go after her.
610
00:33:50,667 --> 00:33:52,833
There are at least
half a dozen egg sandwich restaurants
611
00:33:52,917 --> 00:33:54,333
within driving distance.
612
00:33:56,500 --> 00:33:57,500
We'll walk into town.
613
00:33:57,583 --> 00:33:59,875
If we see the taxi driver,
we can ask him where he took them.
614
00:33:59,958 --> 00:34:01,333
What do we do when we find them?
615
00:34:01,417 --> 00:34:04,292
Aunt Josephine's fallen for
Count Olaf's disguise and for Count Olaf.
616
00:34:04,375 --> 00:34:07,042
Maybe so, but we haven't.
617
00:34:07,958 --> 00:34:10,375
Whatever Count Olaf's scheme is,
we have to stop it.
618
00:34:25,667 --> 00:34:26,833
Going somewhere?
619
00:34:27,417 --> 00:34:30,000
Young people shouldn't wander around
this time of night.
620
00:34:30,083 --> 00:34:31,458
There are dangerous people lurking about.
621
00:34:31,542 --> 00:34:33,167
- Go back in the house.
- Where it's safer.
622
00:34:33,250 --> 00:34:35,125
And strangers can't get you.
623
00:34:35,208 --> 00:34:36,750
Strangers? Where?
624
00:34:36,833 --> 00:34:38,917
I thought
you were guarding the waiter.
625
00:34:39,000 --> 00:34:40,458
I thought they were.
626
00:34:40,542 --> 00:34:43,500
- We thought he was!
- So, nobody's guarding the waiter?
627
00:34:57,625 --> 00:34:59,458
We'll be keeping an eye on you.
628
00:35:05,792 --> 00:35:07,125
Must be another way out of here.
629
00:35:07,208 --> 00:35:09,708
There is one other way. Wait here.
630
00:35:12,083 --> 00:35:13,417
We can't get out that way.
631
00:35:14,042 --> 00:35:17,042
Even if that window could open,
it's at least a 100-foot drop.
632
00:35:17,125 --> 00:35:19,292
Or a 100-foot climb.
633
00:35:19,375 --> 00:35:22,292
I saw some fishing nets in the kitchen.
I could braid them into a ladder.
634
00:35:22,375 --> 00:35:24,208
- Violet...
- We could break the window and climb down.
635
00:35:24,292 --> 00:35:25,458
- Violet...
- We'd reach the water...
636
00:35:25,542 --> 00:35:26,542
- Violet...
- in no time.
637
00:35:27,042 --> 00:35:29,667
- Then what?
- I don't know. I don't know what to do.
638
00:35:29,750 --> 00:35:31,333
We don't even know
what Count Olaf's plan is.
639
00:35:31,417 --> 00:35:33,833
We know he wants to use
Aunt Josephine to get our fortune.
640
00:35:33,917 --> 00:35:37,375
Then maybe he's going to kill her,
like he did Uncle Monty.
641
00:35:37,458 --> 00:35:39,667
Maybe he's gonna marry her,
like he tried to do with me.
642
00:35:39,750 --> 00:35:42,833
I can think of 100 different outcomes,
all of which are terrifying.
643
00:35:42,917 --> 00:35:45,917
- That must be how Aunt Josephine feels.
- Maybe she's right.
644
00:35:46,000 --> 00:35:48,667
The world is scary
and we should be afraid.
645
00:35:48,750 --> 00:35:50,708
No matter where we go,
Count Olaf will be there.
646
00:35:51,292 --> 00:35:54,417
No matter who we tell,
no one will listen to us.
647
00:35:54,500 --> 00:35:56,458
There is nowhere safe for us...
648
00:35:57,875 --> 00:35:59,625
and no guardian can help us.
649
00:36:04,417 --> 00:36:06,000
And our parents are never coming back.
650
00:36:06,083 --> 00:36:08,375
"Life is a conundrum of esoterica."
651
00:36:08,458 --> 00:36:11,292
- That's what Uncle Monty...
- Uncle Monty is dead.
652
00:36:11,375 --> 00:36:12,708
Aunt Josephine isn't.
653
00:36:12,792 --> 00:36:15,917
She didn't protect us from Count Olaf,
but we can still protect her.
654
00:36:16,000 --> 00:36:17,958
We have to warn her,
even if it's dangerous.
655
00:36:18,583 --> 00:36:19,917
You don't sound scared.
656
00:36:20,500 --> 00:36:24,042
Remember what Mother said?
"Do the scary thing first... "
657
00:36:24,125 --> 00:36:25,500
"And get scared afterwards."
658
00:36:27,583 --> 00:36:30,042
I'll see what I can find.
659
00:36:33,083 --> 00:36:35,083
I'll work on that ladder.
660
00:36:35,167 --> 00:36:38,000
I, I, I
661
00:36:39,208 --> 00:36:42,167
I love the sea
662
00:36:42,250 --> 00:36:46,083
The reason I'm a sailor 'cause
663
00:36:46,167 --> 00:36:49,250
It's the only way to be
664
00:36:49,333 --> 00:36:53,167
Well, I love schooners
And I love ships
665
00:36:53,250 --> 00:36:56,750
And I love that boat that tugs
666
00:36:56,833 --> 00:37:00,458
I have nautical images
667
00:37:00,542 --> 00:37:03,083
On all my sheets and rugs
668
00:37:03,167 --> 00:37:04,208
See what I did?
669
00:37:04,292 --> 00:37:07,583
I, I, I
670
00:37:07,667 --> 00:37:10,958
I love the sea
671
00:37:11,042 --> 00:37:14,500
The reason I'm a sailor 'cause
672
00:37:14,583 --> 00:37:18,208
It's the only way to be
673
00:37:18,292 --> 00:37:21,917
The reason I'm a sailor 'cause
674
00:37:22,000 --> 00:37:28,125
It's the only way to be
675
00:37:30,083 --> 00:37:32,000
It's a large lake, actually.
676
00:37:33,208 --> 00:37:35,500
I do hope the children will be safe.
677
00:37:37,125 --> 00:37:39,417
I do hope
the children will be safe.
678
00:37:42,333 --> 00:37:43,583
We should have a clear flight,
679
00:37:43,667 --> 00:37:45,542
provided the weather holds,
the plane flies,
680
00:37:45,625 --> 00:37:47,458
and none of our enemies have air cannons.
681
00:37:47,542 --> 00:37:50,125
- That sounds like...
- Our honeymoon.
682
00:37:51,625 --> 00:37:53,750
- Things worked out then.
- Well, things change.
683
00:37:53,833 --> 00:37:56,083
We have three children who need us,
and they need us now.
684
00:37:56,167 --> 00:37:59,958
- They're brave, like their mother.
- They're bold, like their father.
685
00:38:01,125 --> 00:38:02,792
Have you decoded the message yet?
686
00:38:03,583 --> 00:38:08,667
It says, "You can't lock up the barn
after the horses are gone."
687
00:38:08,750 --> 00:38:10,333
I hope we're not too late.
688
00:38:13,667 --> 00:38:16,542
- Bullet holes.
- It is like our honeymoon.
689
00:38:17,458 --> 00:38:20,875
The expression "You can't lock up the barn
after the horses are gone"
690
00:38:20,958 --> 00:38:23,542
was a favorite of a woman
who meant a great deal to me,
691
00:38:23,625 --> 00:38:26,292
even after she was trampled.
692
00:38:26,375 --> 00:38:29,625
The expression simply means that
sometimes even the best of plans
693
00:38:29,708 --> 00:38:31,625
will occur to you when it is too late,
694
00:38:31,708 --> 00:38:34,708
just as all of us are far, far too late
695
00:38:34,792 --> 00:38:37,250
to be of any help at all
to the Baudelaires.
696
00:38:38,167 --> 00:38:41,500
I wish that I could go back somehow
and warn the Baudelaires
697
00:38:41,583 --> 00:38:44,042
about what would happen
that sorry evening.
698
00:38:44,667 --> 00:38:48,958
I spend many sleepless nights wishing
there was some powerful invention,
699
00:38:49,042 --> 00:38:51,083
some crucial bit of research,
700
00:38:51,167 --> 00:38:54,458
that might enable me to change
the Baudelaires' sad history.
701
00:38:54,542 --> 00:38:57,583
But again and again I remind myself
that there was nothing I could do,
702
00:38:57,667 --> 00:39:00,917
just as the Baudelaires could do nothing
to prevent that window from shattering.
703
00:39:01,000 --> 00:39:02,500
What was that?
704
00:39:02,583 --> 00:39:03,875
It sounded like a window shattering.
705
00:39:04,542 --> 00:39:07,542
- Aunt Josephine!
- Aunt Josephine?
706
00:39:09,792 --> 00:39:11,417
Aunt Josephine...
707
00:39:37,458 --> 00:39:39,583
"Violet, Klaus and Sunny:
708
00:39:40,792 --> 00:39:43,417
By the time you read this note,
my life will be at it's end."
709
00:39:43,500 --> 00:39:44,500
No.
710
00:39:44,583 --> 00:39:48,542
"My heart is as cold as Ike,
and I find my life inbearable."
711
00:39:48,625 --> 00:39:50,375
Aunt Josephine.
712
00:39:52,250 --> 00:39:55,000
It is impossible to go back, of course,
713
00:39:55,083 --> 00:39:58,625
and tell the Baudelaires that their fears
that night were entirely rational.
714
00:39:58,708 --> 00:40:01,708
It is impossible to go back
and tell them anything at all,
715
00:40:01,792 --> 00:40:04,417
just as it is impossible
to put Aunt Josephine's house
716
00:40:04,500 --> 00:40:06,167
back on top of this cliff.
717
00:40:08,417 --> 00:40:10,000
I can tell you something.
718
00:40:10,083 --> 00:40:12,667
I can tell you that,
as the Baudelaires stood there
719
00:40:12,750 --> 00:40:15,792
and gazed out the wide window
of Josephine's house,
720
00:40:15,875 --> 00:40:18,958
- believing that their guardian was dead...
- Aunt Josephine.
721
00:40:19,042 --> 00:40:20,375
that they were wrong.
722
00:40:21,500 --> 00:40:24,833
I can tell you that
Aunt Josephine was not dead at all.
723
00:40:30,792 --> 00:40:31,875
Not yet.
59189
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