Original subtitles

(ENGINE REVS)

(TRAIN WHISTLE)

(BROADCAST IN FRENCH)

(ACCORDION MUSIC)

Hello, and welcome to what is very obviously the South of France.

Except this isn't the South of France

where there are carefully designed topless swimsuits

and Russian billionaires turn up on super yachts.

This isn't even in the same hemisphere.

This is 5,700 miles south of the South of France.

It's a tiny volcanic island in the Indian Ocean called Réunion.

It is weird, isn't it? Cos this isn't like a French protectorate.

It's actually France.

- You know the flight from Paris to here? - Yeah.

The longest internal flight in the world.

Because it is an internal. France to France.

And because of the time difference,

this was the first place in the world where a euro exchange happened.

Yes, and wasn't it for, like, a bag of lychees?

It was.

- Ooh, that was a bit good. - Nice one, mate.

Did you just see that shot?

JEREMY: In order to blend with the Côte d'Azur vibe,

I've come here with a V8 Bentley Continental.

(ENGINE REVS)

Now, I'll admit that Bentley forged its reputation many years ago at Le Mans,

which is in the north of France.

But it's changed since then.

Now it's the most South of France brand of them all.

The recipe's still the same, though.

It's a big, heavy suet pudding of torque and opulence.

Yeah. (LAUGHS)

This is the first time ever on our adventures

when I've had a proper, functioning, decent car.

Whatever Mr Wilman has in mind, this'll be... perfect.

RICHARD: Yeah, but this is better.

(LAUGHS)

This is a Ford Focus RS, the latest version.

350 brake horsepower from a four-cylinder turbo-charged engine.

It's light, 1500 kilos, and it's clever.

It has torque vectoring.

It can send up to 70% of the total power to the rear axle.

And it can divert 100% of that to one wheel.

(CRACKLES AND BANGS)

I love those crackles and bangs on the overrun.

(CRACKLES AND BANGS)

(LAUGHS)

It's just... Yeah, it brings out the yobbo in me.

(CRACKLES AND BANGS)

Hello, viewers.

And as you would imagine, I've done this properly.

I've come in this.

This is a Caterham.

It is a 310R, to be precise.

It is a bit of a faff getting in, admittedly, but once you are in,

the rewards are enormous

because this car was born in the '50s,

designed by Colin Chapman as a self-assembly weekend racing car.

This is the sort of thing that enthusiasts online go on about.

You even have to put the steering wheel on.

(CAR PULLS UP)

Then you just close the door, clip it in place and we'll be on our way.

- It's nice this, mate, innit? - Bloody fabulous.

I wonder why they fitted the kill switch on the outside?

(ENGINE CUTS OUT)

Oh...

I'll put it there so you don't lose it.

Right, gotta get on.

- Don't be a cock, Hammond. - (LAUGHS)

(SIGHS)

(ENGINE REVS)

JAMES: Leaving aside the unfortunate position of the kill switch,

I can think of no better car for these fantastic roads.

If you like the sensations of driving, you know,

like turning the wheel and changing the gears and pressing the pedals,

you want one of these.

(SQUEAL OF TYRES)

Doesn't have traction control, doesn't have brake assist,

doesn't have adaptive suspension,

it doesn't have flappy paddles.

It doesn't even have air bags.

It's just a car.

Absolutely perfect.

JEREMY: Having introduced our cars to this tropical island, we all met up.

It's so nice to be back in the EU, sun shining.

Beautiful views, great coffee.

Oh, here comes ASBO boy!

(REVVING AND CRACKLES AND BANGS)

(LAUGHS)

How's your ankle bracelet in this heat?

Yeah, I just grew one as soon as I sat down in it. It just formed on my leg.

(CRACKLES AND BANGS)

Now this is the coast road around the north, sort of northwest of the island.

And there are a lot of rockfalls on it.

They've tried to solve the problem by...

dangling wire mesh down the side of the cliffs,

but that hasn't really worked.

So the solution they've come up with is... pretty radical.

What the French are building here is a ring road in the sea.

Designed to cope with 30-foot waves and win votes,

this engineering masterpiece

cost £112 million per kilometre

and it's 12 kilometres long.

It is, then, the most expensive piece of Tarmac in the world.

RICHARD: I was just thinking this incredibly expensive,

mind-bogglingly complicated stretch of road

could serve a useful purpose.

Mm. Mm.

JEREMY: And so...

JAMES: I don't really know how to call this, to be honest.

I've got the least power but I've got the least weight.

JEREMY: Hammond and I both have turbo-charging and four-wheel drive

and you don't want either of those things in a drag race.

He, however, has got launch control.

Not that he knows how it works, I should imagine.

RICHARD: Trip... I don't want trip.

Settings.

Driver assist.

Launch control.

So it's... Oh, no, it's cut out. Wait.

Jeremy Clarkson's actually got out of the car.

Driver assist.

Launch control.

Hammond's launch control is...

- Really? - Yes.

Launch control is troublesome.

That's odd, because he's so useful at...

- What's that do? - Leave it. - (ENGINE CUTS OUT)

- What is it? - It's... You know what it is.

- I don't know what it is. - Stop being an arse.

It's turned the engine... Why is the ignition key on the outside?

It's in case you have a crash.

It's really annoying. Mustn't lose that.

(LAUGHS)

JEREMY: When James had reassembled his car

and Richard had sorted out his tech,

we were ready to go.

This Frenchman in the yellow vest...

is he going to start the race, do you think, or throw a petrol bomb at me?

(REVVING)

(MORE REVVING)

(REVVING)

Trois, deux, un!

- (SQUEAL OF TYRES) - Bloody hell.

They got a better start.

Second, I'm rowing it through as quickly as I can. I am in front.

It's only 152 horsepower.

Now time to deploy the speed and power...

Bit late on that shift.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Stay... Oh, goddamn it!

(LAUGHS)

JAMES: I'm losing. I'm losing.

I'm the first person to lose on this road.

JEREMY: Oooh!

The inaugural Réunion coastal road drag race

was just ripped into by the Bentley.

Is it the face? Is it the face?

Yeah, it's the face. It's the face.

JEREMY: After christening the ring road with our important drag race,

we received a text from Mr Wilman.

And he was telling us to report to a cemetery in the town of Saint-Paul

where we would receive further instructions.

- JAMES: Chaps. - What?

I have in my hand a piece of paper.

- Is it from Neville? - It is from Neville, actually.

It says, "In 1730 on Réunion, a man called La Buse..."

That's him in there.

"..was hanged for crimes of piracy."

So this is La Buse. He was...

What was he? He had a pirate fleet.

- You know about this man? - Yes. He was called The Buzzard.

Big nose he had as well.

There is more on Neville's piece of paper

if you could just keep quiet for a moment.

It says, "On his way to the scaffold he threw a coded message into the crowd

that explained where he had buried his treasure.

A copy of that message is included in your pack."

Is that it?

That's it, yes.

- Well, it's just garbage. - No, but here's the good bit.

"It's reckoned that his treasure included the Fiery Cross of Goa,

a 220-pound, seven-foot high golden crucifix studded with rubies

and that today the haul would be worth £100 million."

- Wow. - So?

"So it's your job to crack the code and find the loot.

Your sincerely, Neville Wilman."

Oh, we are hunting for pirate treasure?

- Yes, we are. - Oh, come on.

Do you believe in all this pirate nonsense?

What do you mean, "believe"?

Yes. Pirates were pirates.

Pirates knock on your door and say,

"I've got this knocked-off copy of the Avengers: Endgame.

Do you wanna buy it? It's only five quid." That's a pirate.

Yeah, pirate now. Pirates then, they had style. This one...

- So we've gotta crack that... - Yes.

...and that'll tell us where this,

- The Buzzard... - Yes.

...buried his treasure?

Yes.

Well, how are you gonna crack that?

This is so up his street.

What's happened here is very straightforward.

He loves pirates, you... what do you like doing?

- Cracking codes. Doing Sudoku. - Crosswords.

What do I do?

Well, you can have your... We'll be pirates, we'll split the treasure.

I'm not going to be a pirate.

Oh, so we won't split the treasure?

If you want to share in the £100 million, and I suggest you do,

you could maybe muck in a bit.

You can help digging.

I can't be doing with pirates. It's all...

All right, so you don't want any?

Well, I mean, I'll have it if it's there.

Oh, will you?

JAMES: Back at the hotel, I started on the code...

while Nick and Margaret sat in the background, being annoying.

Would it help if I built you a machine made of brass and copper and transistors?

I heard if you drink a glass of water like that whilst looking at it...

- Have you thought about, A is one... - That's clever.

- B is two... - Oh, that's clever.

- No, wait, wait. - What?

- I've already had a breakthrough. - What?

Why don't you two go away and leave me alone to work on it by myself?

It is a bit boring, this.

Not very piratey thus far.

JEREMY: So Richard and I left James Turing to get on with it.

So La Buse...

(MUTTERS)

It's a shame we can't go swimming.

Why can't we?

It's against the law.

What, swimming's illegal?

No, it really is.

Because between 2011 and 2016,

there were 43 fatal shark attacks around the world.

19 were in the waters off Réunion.

- Out there? - Yeah.

Well, look, it's only shallow.

If a shark comes, we can jump it.

I think we did that in 2013.

(CHUCKLING)

(TICKING)

JEREMY: Do you only read pirate books?

If it's got a pirate ship on it, you're gonna read it, aren't you?

It's exciting. There was derring-do and adventuring.

The Lioness of Brittany, 1330 thereabouts.

She had a fleet of five or six black ships called the Black Fleet.

She had them all painted black with red flags. How cool is that?

JEREMY: On the third day, we were running out of activities,

so we went to see how Alan was getting on.

- Have you got anywhere? - Yes.

Where?

After a two-headed dog...

you take some honey.

Three days and that's it?

"After a two-headed dog you take honey"?

Yeah, but I'm starting with nothing.

- Um, you do know... - Hmm.

that they hung La Buse here in Réunion?

Yeah.

But they arrested him in Madagascar.

And he's hardly likely to have said,

"Mind if I bring this seven-foot gold cross and all my treasure

on your police boat to the gallows" is he?

So it makes sense that the treasure is buried in Madagascar.

How long have you known that?

Since I was ten.

Did you not think it might have made sense to say that?

I had a thought and I've done this before and made a fool of myself

by rushing in with it before it's ready,

so I had to let it mature and develop before I thought,

"Yes, I'll present this thought to them."

I mean, there might be a place called Two Headed Dog in Madagascar for all I know,

but I wasn't looking. I've been looking at Réunion.

Well, we've got to go to Madagascar, then.

Yeah.

- It's not far away. - Is it not?

Yeah, but we can't take those cars to Madagascar.

- Why? - Might be fun.

Well, no, the roads are terrible in Madagascar.

How do you know?

Cos I had a friend when I was much younger called Mary

who went there doing wildlife conservation

and she told me Madagascar was the worst place she'd ever tried to drive a car.

We've been all over the world.

- We've seen a lot of potholes, mate. - We have.

Yeah, but she went all over the world as well, all over Africa, South America.

She says Madagascar's got the worst roads.

All she ever talked to me about was how bad the roads were in Madagascar

- and how often she was stuck. - Right.

For days.

- Better modify our cars, then. - I've got a Caterham.

We can modify that very easily.

- What, into an airship? - I don't know.

Use your imagination.

JEREMY: So we found a workshop.

And as James began...

Right, to work...

...Richard and I went to a shop to buy kit.

- Bonjour. - Bonjour.

Bonjour.

Avez-vous...

...jump leads, um...

You see? (BARKS LIKE A DOG)

(BARKS)

(PANTING)

(CONTINUES BARKING)

Monsieur, avez-vous batterie connecteur?

- Ah, no. - Oh, merci.

What, jump leads are called battery...?

They're battery connector... Yes, that's what it is.

- Not... - You don't have any? - You mimed it in English.

Well, I just thought jump leads, brilliant acting.

If you know the English for jump leads.

JAMES: With the kit bought and the modifications finished,

we set sail for Madagascar,

arriving two days later in the port of Tamatave.

Hello again, viewers.

What I've done is this.

My car is already very light, which is ideal for off-roading,

so I've put some bigger wheels on it.

That's good for ground clearance and grip.

That's it.

Clearly, Jeremy had done rather more than that.

Let me talk you through what I've done. There's a fair bit.

Got a winch here mounted on a steel platform

and I have amour-plated steel running from the front

to the back on the underside.

Headlamps, they're now from a motorcycle.

I needed the space ordinarily taken up by the lights for these snorkels,

which I've fitted so the car can now wade through about six feet of water.

Moving further back,

big chunky tyres but the wheels are actually smaller.

Now, that meant the original brakes wouldn't fit, had to remove those,

replace them with the brakes from a Golf GTI.

Then I moved the brake and fuel lines inboard to give them extra protection

and removed the air suspension,

replaced it, in fact, with long travel shocks and steel coils.

- You did all that in two days? - Well, it was that workshop.

I don't know, it was just so well-equipped.

It was well-equipped.

So I was able to do, I think, a pretty thorough job.

I am genuinely impressed.

- I'll tell you what. - What?

This is what life is like... outside the EU.

We were in the EU on Réunion, smooth roads.

BMWs. "Would you like a glass of Chablis?"

- Here... - Yeah! Oh, sorry.

Would you like some food poisoning?

JEREMY: As we discussed post-Brexit life, our colleague arrived.

O-K.

Ha-ha!

Yep, the flag and...?

And a number of other changes.

OK, I'll talk you through it. I've painted it black, skull and crossbones.

There is a flag, yes.

Full external roll cage and if this isn't strong enough,

I've replaced the front and rear crumple zones with girders.

I've raised the suspension by 19 inches

to give it 23 and a half inches ground clearance.

And then if you look closely... here, the corners.

- Oh, yes. - You know what he's done?

It's genius is what I've done. Look at it.

- He's uninvented the wheel. - You have, you've put triangles on.

JEREMY: Having sorted all that out, we got back to the main problem.

The code.

I'm presuming, May, because you haven't done very much with your car,

you've devoted quite a lot of time

to working out where in Madagascar this treasure is.

- This non-existent treasure is buried. - Indeed.

- Yes? And where is it? - No idea.

- You still don't know? - Not a clue.

It's still two-headed dogs and lemons and parrots and things.

You do know they actually arrested La Buse on Madagascar

in an area called Libertalia,

which is like a pirate commune where they lived

and they had rules of society and everything.

So it stands to reason that's probably where he buried his treasure

when they arrested him.

Have you known that since you were ten as well?

Er, yeah, yeah, I have.

Is there anything else you've known since you were ten

which would be relevant to us now that you ought to tell us?

No, that's it.

- So this Libertalia? - Yeah.

- Where is it? - North of here.

- How far north of here? - 100 miles.

You actually know where it is?

Yeah, north of here.

100 miles north of here.

But you didn't say that three days ago.

Again, you have to take your time with a thought,

make sure it's ready, turn it around, look at it.

Don't wanna make a fool of myself, rush in.

JEREMY: And so, armed with Captain Jack Hammond's new information, we set off.

(LAUGHS)

I've taken one of the finest performance cars of its time,

a scalpel, and turned it into a chainsaw.

(LAUGHS)

"Oh-arr, oh-arr, Jim lad."

I just don't get pirates.

You tell Tom Hanks that pirates are romantic and interesting...

They're not. They're just... floating burglars.

Got a light here telling me that there's a fault with my air suspension.

I know, I've removed it.

But why had I removed it?

Because contrary to what James had said, the roads were fine.

Yeah.

Not sure I needed to raise my car much for this very smooth Tarmac.

Er, James?

Yes, what's your point?

Because of you, I've prepared my car for Armageddon

and you've brought me to a tea party.

JEREMY: All right, look at this.

Big test for the Bentley.

There it is.

Jeez, I feel like Ranulph Fiennes here.

Look at me!

Look at what I've done.

Just because he befriended some girl in a floaty skirt, I've ruined my whole hatch.

We should have known that a friend of James' wasn't going to be an explorer.

The worst thing that happened is a daffodil fell out

of her bicycle basket and she pan...

"Oh, this is terribly rough. It's absolutely awful."

(SONG PLAYING)

RICHARD: As we headed out into the countryside,

we hoped the roads would get worse...

But no.

Hello. Bonjour.

They're all looking at me and thinking, "What, is he mad?"

Look at that lovely road.

What were we thinking?

We took off-roading advice from Jane Austen.

"Oh, James, I went to Madagascar

and the roads were nothing like they are in Devon."

Bonjour. Please, stop building roads!

- (TOOTS OF HORN) - No more road surface.

Oh, God.

We've completely overdone our cars.

They look good.

But they're not necessary and nor is the journey.

70% of the Madagascan population

exists on less than a dollar a day.

So if there were a seven-foot golden cross

studded with rubies buried somewhere,

I'm fairly confident someone would have found it by now.

Oh, and another thing: buried treasure... in all of human history,

not a single ounce of buried treasure has ever been found, ever.

As I complained about our mission, the road did suddenly get rougher.

Oh, yeah, that is a pothole.

That is a definitely a pothole and that's another one... Ooh.

O-K.

RICHARD: In the Ford tech...

I thought my mods would shine in this new rough terrain.

Sadly, however...

Ow.

Slight hitch here.

I put my car on tracks,

but what I'm having trouble with is the little wheels inside the tracks

that keep... Well, they're coming off

because we're driving on a hard road

and these hard edges of the potholes smash them off.

The simple fact is, these tracks, brilliant as they are,

are made for use on mud and snow.

Off road. Not Tarmac.

(THUD)

RADIO: Hammo, you've lost another one.

Oh, God.

JAMES: In the Caterham, it wasn't just the potholes that were annoying...

- (THUDS) - Oh! Oh!

It was so dusty, it felt like I was driving in a hot Hoover bag.

(COUGHS) Ugh, dust and stuff getting in my eyes is appalling.

I'm gonna have to find some goggles.

JEREMY: Life in the Bentley, however, was fine.

I'm starting to really like this car.

Now it's got a bit of mud on it,

it's starting to look like an MFB and in case you don't know what MFB is,

it's what Samuel L Jackson would call his Bentley if he had one.

Properly pretty villages.

Melon shop.

Melons, melons, melons.

Numberplate shop.

That is a shop where you can get numberplates made up.

Wasn't expecting that.

I also wasn't expecting to find an agreeable seaside hotel,

where, a bit later, a dusty and grimy May chose not to join me for lunch.

Great.

Now the pool's got a muddy dog in it.

RICHARD: I, meanwhile, was starting to worry that in this heat on Tarmac,

my little plastic wheels would be starting to warp.

So when I got to the hotel, I also didn't join Jeremy for lunch.

I need to find a way of cooling them.

Build a cooling system out here with nothing.

And what I do in situations like this

is think to myself, "What would Bear Grylls do?"

Having scoured the shoreline for nature's raw materials, I set to work.

Well, fingers crossed.

Here's what I've done.

Luckily I've found these completely full office water cooler bottles

that had been washed up.

Along with this nylon rope that had also been washed up.

And along with them I found these lengths of clear hose.

I've attached them to the car,

some cable ties had washed up.

And down here at the bottom it can deliver

a life-saving trickle of cooling water.

It may not look pretty but it'll work.

And as Bear Grylls himself says,

"Improvise, adapt, survive."

JEREMY: Sadly, Hammond's modifications had taken so long,

it was too late in the day to move on.

And anyway, May was busy carpet-bombing the code with his OCD.

Here's something very interesting I learned today.

I was next to a shop watching a man count his water melons

and we would count one, two,

three, four, five like that.

But he was going one, two, three, four, five,

which is exactly what appears on there.

So that might be a letter but it might be two.

Some of those symbols might be numbers, they might be compass bearings,

they might be numbers of paces from a tree, something like that.

Some of the bits that appear to be gibberish...

JEREMY: The next day, as the sun rose on this little-known paradise,

we were back on the move.

So, May, have you cracked the code?

Nope.

Predictable.

RICHARD: Still, at least my cooling system was working.

Water delivered, life saved.

Thank you, Bear Grylls.

(LIVELY CHATTER)

(LAUGHTER)

(LAUGHS) My car is amusing.

Clearly, though, it was the MFB that was causing more of a stir.

(LAUGHS)

Then we came across something that wasn't so cheerful.

(WOMAN SPEAKS LOCAL LANGUAGE)

JEREMY: That woman is in the stocks.

She's actually got wooden handcuffs on.

(HORN TOOTING)

RICHARD: Chaps, this Tarmac road has finally run out.

But it's kind of run out completely.

- What do you mean? - There's no road at all.

This looks like a ferry.

Once on board, I noticed Jeremy had got himself a new number plate.

I just can't work it out, "MFB".

Must Fondle Buttocks?

Middle Aged... Hm.

Hang on.

JEREMY: When the ferry docked on the other bank...

...it was like we'd gone back 200 years.

I'm going full goggles.

JEREMY: Bloody hell!

Yeah, this is quite bad now, I'll admit.

RICHARD: Swim, swim, swim.

JEREMY: Finally, the modifications we'd made to our cars

were coming into their own.

The MFB is through!

Four-wheel drive rugging me out of that one.

RICHARD: Now, this is more like it.

This is what I built my car for.

Tracks won't be getting too hot. I'm cooling them in the water.

JEREMY: How's it going in the Sherman?

RICHARD: Honestly, it's a walk in the park. What about you?

It's a bit squeaky. But it keeps going.

But what I'd love to know is what's happening in the Caterham.

(CHUCKLES)

JAMES: Oh, Jesus!

Urgh!

That is turds! Jesus!

Ohh, the water's like a bath that someone's had diarrhoea in.

Oh, Jesus!

Bollocks!

Aargh!

Argh!

Oh, shitty death.

I'll just adjust the temperature down to...

22 degrees, I think, would be better.

Adjust the lumbar support using this button down here.

Meanwhile, in the Ford...

Motor's OK, temperature's good.

I can't tell you how easy this is on my car.

- (HEAVY THUD) - Ooh!

Ohh, that's a big rock at the bottom of that puddle.

JEREMY: Luckily for Hammond, we were running alongside a beach.

So I suggested we use that instead.

Have we finally found a terrain where those tracks work?

(CHUCKLES)

Yeah, we're looking good here.

It's gonna be brilliant, this car.

These are teething problems. I'm doing something new here.

I'm literally reinventing the wheel, and, you know...

(HEAVY THUD)

Oh.

(HANDBRAKE ON)

Ohh.

Argh! (YELLS)

Oh, good. Here comes a gloating orangutan.

JEREMY: What's happened?

Oh, I know!

Even I, with my limited knowledge, is able to work out

that's not right.

It's not, is it?

JEREMY: To cheer Hammond up,

I decided to give him a small present.

You've got a number plate as well.

- "Fury" as in Fury? - As in the tank.

- For my car? That is... - Yes.

- So you can put "Fury" on it. - Oh, I say!

It doesn't actually mean that here, exactly.

What's it mean here?

Well, the Ygrec, the Y, means "lady parts".

So what that actually says is "Furry lady parts."

But, for you, it means "fury".

You're Brad Pitt in a tank - pirate tank.

At that moment, Giorgio Armani arrived.

Look at the state of you. Have you had a trouser accident?

I was actually underwater at one point.

JEREMY: Oh, that's a disgusting place to sit.

Is that... Can you not drive like that?

No. (CHUCKLES)

JAMES: How did you do that?

It took me a lot of attempts cos I wanted to do that.

JEREMY: Having wasted an eternity watching Brad Pitt do his repairs,

we finally got back on the move.

I wonder why Formula 1 teams don't use tracks, Hammond,

if you can change them in just three hours?

(LAUGHS)

JEREMY: For James, the misery continued.

How much more of this is there?

Oh, Jesus!

JEREMY: Things were so bad, that at the next ferry crossing,

it looked like he was going to try and make the far bank without a boat.

(JEREMY LAUGHS)

- Wouldn't you? - Yeah, I would.

If somebody said to me, "Yes, there are sharks in there,"

I'd still say, "I don't care."

It's on!

JEREMY: As we left the ferry, James was much happier and cleaner.

I'm feeling pretty good now.

(ENGINE REVVING)

- (PEOPLE LAUGHING) - Give me strength!

(LAUGHS) Look at him!

Oh, it's the little things in life that I treasure.

We thought at this point the road couldn't get any worse.

And then... it did.

Right, so this terrain now is soft sand.

And puddles.

I haven't tried this yet.

Maybe this is where I will shine.

JEREMY: Hammond was optimistic.

But in the three-ton Bentley, I wasn't.

Jesus, I'm gonna get stuck here.

Come on.

(HEAVY THUD)

Right, I'm completely beached.

Your car not up to the job, is that what you're saying?

JEREMY: Luckily I could winch myself out,

using Brad and his pirate tank as a ground anchor.

Why am I feeding out his winch cable?

Why didn't...

- I'll just do your winch. - Ready.

(WHIRRING)

Have you ever seen the like?

Yeah.

RICHARD: What's happening here is, I'm moving to you.

That's not supposed to happen, is it?

- RICHARD: You need to put it in drive. - Oh, sorry.

(WHIRRING)

MFB...

Massive Fat...

(HEAVY THUD)

Can I just say... my friend Mary...

- Yes? - ...was right.

Well, this isn't technically a road, we're on a beach.

The roads were fine.

You said the worst roads she'd ever seen.

I thought the roads were fine.

What's happened is, the roads have finished.

Chaps, are you interested in treasure or not?

£100 million worth, available this way.

How far is this place?

We don't know. Libertalia - it doesn't exist, anyway.

- It does exist. - It doesn't exist!

Well, it did. They wrote about it.

Well, they wrote about Narnia. Doesn't mean it existed.

We continued our journey on what is genuinely

Madagascar's equivalent of the M1.

Oh, Christ!

Can't see a thing.

May can't be doing this with only two-wheel drive, it's not possible.

JAMES: But thanks to its lightness,

the plucky little Caterham was ploughing on.

Mind the grit. There it is.

Bonjour.

It was Hammond, though, who had the most reason to celebrate.

RICHARD: Finally, we've found what it's good at.

(CACKLES)

This thing is unstoppable!

(HEAVY THUD)

Oh, my giddy aunt.

It looks like a wheelchair that's fallen down a flight of stairs.

Yeah, it's bad.

OK.

What would you like me to do about that?

What are you in a position to do about that?

JEREMY: Having thought about it for a long time,

I decided the answer was nothing.

So I left him to it...

This is the tensioner assembly that sits at the back of the track.

...and set off with James into the night.

JAMES: Oh, it's getting worse.

(HEAVY THUD)

Ohh, (BLEEP) me, that was uncomfortable!

We were only 40 miles from Libertalia,

this place that only exists in Richard Hammond's colouring-in books.

So we figured we'd just keep on taking the punishment.

If you've just joined us, James May is covered in human excrement.

From behind, your hair looks...

It's like Trevor McDonald's hair.

It is actually a single entity. It's a new type of molecule.

(LAUGHS)

Would you like me to give you a little push?

JAMES: Yeah, try it, a little nudge.

Here I come. I shall try to be gentle, James May.

(HEAVY THUD)

- (ENGINE REVVING) - Oh, thanks!

JAMES: Jeremy and I battled on for another two brutal hours...

Please make it stop.

Just stop.

...until we arrived at another ferry crossing.

Sadly, however...

Everything was as bad as it could possibly be

and now it's worse.

The ferry's engine's broken.

But they have said that James and I can pull it across.

I mean...

They obviously looked at us and thought, "Yeah, they're athletes."

- Oh, this is a nice rope. - (GRUNTS) Isn't it?

God, heave!

Agh. Oh, my back!

(GROANS)

JAMES: As we pulled ourselves along, I suddenly had a thought about Hammond.

- If we go over there and get off... - Yeah?

...it's not gonna be on the right side when he arrives.

Yeah, but that's not our problem.

You're absolutely right it isn't.

RICHARD: Several miles back, having bodged a repair,

I was now back in the game.

Gingerly does not cover...

...how carefully I'm driving this thing.

- (THUD) - Ohh. Rock in there.

(CLATTERING)

It feels like it's tearing itself to pieces.

JEREMY: After 16 hours on the move,

James and I still had a steely determination

to keep going to journey's end.

Our willpower was bulletproof.

We would not be distracted from the job in hand.

Oh, a hotel. Hotel, look.

JAMES: Does it say "bar"?

"Hotel restaurant open."

That'll do.

Oh, my God.

That is deep.

Back in my world, things were getting worse.

One of the crew cars had provided a stark reminder

of what could happen if you strayed even slightly off the track.

- Oh! That's grim. - (HEAVY THUD)

Oh.

And on top of that, my car felt like it was disintegrating.

- (RATTLING) - That rattling noise.

Is that the bearing on that side?

Oh! Oh, Lord.

Consequently, my nerves were shot when, at three in the morning...

I arrived at the river crossing...

...to find the ferry was on the other bank.

Oh, the (BLEEP) bastards!

- Oh! - (CLATTERING)

I would therefore have to row over to get it back.

This is shit!

Everything's shit!

And this (BLEEP) canoe doesn't work!

(GRUNTS)

JEREMY: The next morning, Richard Hammond was in a bit of a mood.

Was it difficult?

JEREMY: I, on the other hand, was very happy.

Because, after a refreshing shave,

I noticed there was a marked difference

between my living conditions in the Bentley...

Showroom fresh.

...and May's in the Caterham.

Your car looks like Teddy Kennedy's car after Chappaquiddick.

(HAIR TRIMMER BUZZES)

As I went back to my grooming, the sulky Brummie finally spoke.

I don't particularly want to talk to either of you.

But here's to explain why there may be another opportunity to abandon me.

You know I've got problems at the front end?

Yes.

I have significant problems at the back.

Both of the rear trailing arms are snapped.

Snapped?

Gone, broken.

JAMES: It's well thought out, this.

Which means at any point,

the whole back end of my car could collapse inward,

possibly firing one of these under the car and throwing it on its roof.

In fairness, we won't see that cos we'll be at least 20 miles ahead.

(SNIGGERING)

I'd love to offer you a lift.

I only give lifts to people who haven't pulled my battery isolator switch out.

I'm very tempted to pull your battery isolator switch off

your car and swallow it.

And then give it back to you probably in ten minutes' time.

You think I'd notice on that car?

JEREMY: Mercifully, the road that morning was much smoother.

And we were surrounded by Madagascar

at its absolute vibrant best.

I'm not really looking where I'm going cos of that view.

That's green.

We don't have anything that green in Europe. Look at it.

Soon we arrived at a much bigger ferry

that would take us on a short hop up the coast.

JAMES: Slightly more impressive boat than last night.

This one appears to have an engine.

- And be here. - Ooh!

JEREMY: When we reached our destination, however, there was a problem.

(CLANKING)

Argh.

There was no way of driving off the beach where we landed

until low tide.

So to kill the time, James went back to codebreaking.

Hammond and I, meanwhile, realised that in conditions as harsh as these...

...survival would be tough.

We'd need food.

So he began with a Bear Grylls hostile environment classic -

the improvised beach oven.

When you've finished digging your pit,

line it with some of the rocks, about half.

And I'm gonna light a fire on top of these rocks.

I could light a fire in any one of a number of ways -

a piece of broken glass from the sea, focused light from the sun onto a leaf...

I'm gonna ask the crew for a lighter.

There. It's working.

As Bear Grylls says, three words in survival.

First-class travel and five-star accommodation or I won't do it.

JEREMY: The second basic principle of survival is hydration.

So I set about finding fluids.

A lot of survivalists will tell you...

that when you're thirsty, you should drink your own piss.

But I say no to that. I say...

Go into the jungle and find fruit.

And drink that instead.

It tastes nicer and it does you more good.

Look.

Coconuts.

This is a rotten one that's fallen down.

I'm gonna try and get a fresh one by throwing this at it.

Right, my rocks are hot.

Which means we're ready to get cooking.

So, take your fish that you caught earlier -

that bit's not difficult, that's the sea.

You wrap the fish in leaves.

Tie it off and now transfer the fish to your beach oven.

(WINCES) Hot, hot!

Bury the fish,

to contain all that heat in our oven that we built earlier.

Two hours from now, that is gonna be...

...a cooked fish.

JEREMY: Having finally hit a coconut...

Yes! Ho-ho-ho! Yes!

...I went in search of bananas.

Oh, yeah. Yes, yes, yes.

Shit!

OK.

And eventually, our survival rations came together.

- Banana daiquiri. - Really?

Yeah, banana, coconut milk and rum.

Fantastic! Where did you get the rum from?

- Back of the Bentley. - Oh, clever!

JEREMY: Mm.

You can survive surprisingly well with a Bentley.

- This is very good, by the way. - Thank you.

I've said it before. Just because it's a survival situation,

doesn't mean we have to eat like animals.

Standards.

That's not bad.

It's very good, well done. That is survival.

JEREMY: Back on the boat, there was more joy.

James was actually getting somewhere.

Where are we?

Yes!

Yes, yes, yes!

Ohh.

What I've found is the name of the place where the treasure must be buried.

And it's on the map. Let me tell you how I did it.

It's incredible.

La Buse was a pirate. Two things:

he wouldn't write this and tell you where the treasure was in the first line.

He's gonna play with your mind and tell you down here somewhere.

So I started down in the last four lines,

I thought, "That's where it's gonna be."

And then I discovered a name that was as clear as day.

And I thought, "That sounds like the name of a place."

Seranambe - and there it is.

Look, it's very small.

Can you see it? I've scribbled on it in my excitement. Seranambe.

That's where it is.

All we have to do now is work out where in Seranambe to dig.

That's the best thing that's ever happened to me.

JEREMY: So James had cracked the code

and Hammond and I had learned an important lesson

about surviving on nothing but poached fish and several banana daiquiris.

Remember...

adapt.

- You've forgotten. - Improvise, yes.

- (LAUGHS) - Improvise. I've remembered.

- Adopt. - No.

Adapt.

- Improvise. - Survive.

That's what we're gonna do.

RICHARD: The next day, with the daiquiris out of our system,

we drove off the beach to find we were in Libertalia.

And tantalisingly close to the village James had identified.

We know where we're going.

And it's 15 miles away.

In 45 minutes, we will be deep in pirate country, digging for treasure.

We'll get there. You two go and establish there's no golden crucifix with rubies

and I'll find a dribble of wi-fi and book some flights home.

If you want to rule yourself out of mind-blowing wealth, fine.

There won't be any wealth.

You're in for a terrible disappointment.

I'm in pirate country, that's what I'm in.

(LAUGHTER)

You're all right.

James, you're not even looking!

JEREMY: I had to admit one thing about this so-called Libertalia.

It wasn't bad-looking.

If pirates were here, and it's possible...

They were here.

- I can see why they'd choose it. - It's gorgeous.

If you sail the world, pulling in at places like...

JAMES: Southampton.

- Bristol. - Southampton...

and then you go to Calais,

you'd go, "Do you know..."

Yeah, it's all right, isn't it?

"I'll do some pirating here."

JEREMY: Everything is just ridiculously perfect.

RICHARD: That was a blissful interlude, that.

Travelling silently across...

No Ford key. Oh, no.

No, he hasn't?

He bloody has.

James May, have you done what I think you've done?

He's taken the key.

James!

Damn it!

James! Give me my key fob.

It's like a little magic trick. You've got to find it in the shop.

- You utter... - It's in the shop.

Come on! Not another...

(LAUGHS)

Leaving Hammond to look for his keys...

Why are we playing parlour games now?

...James and I set off on the short drive to the imaginary treasure village.

(VILLAGERS CLAMOURING)

(LAUGHTER)

Again, it's the funniest car in the world.

The road is smooth.

Gonna be there by 11:00.

Sadly, however, the road had other ideas.

(ENGINE REVVING)

The Madagascans call this the RN5.

JAMES: Christ, this is proper rock crawl.

JEREMY: But there's a better name.

Hell.

JAMES: Right, what do I do?

I can't decide. I can't decide. I'm gonna go that way.

- (HEAVY THUD) - Oww!

Oww! Oww! Oww!

(THUDDING AND CLANKING)

The problem is, I can't see the road ahead.

The bonnet is just like a football pitch.

It's like a fat man trying to look at his penis.

Ohh! Crike all bloody mighty!

RICHARD: Having found my keys, I was now wishing I hadn't.

Oh, my God.

What I'm gonna try and do is get it up and out of these ruts.

It might mean some unusual angles at times.

Come on, little pirate. Keep pushing.

(CLANKING)

Urgh!

Oh, shit.

I daren't look.

Aargh!

The track was completely mangled.

And as a result...

Votre voiture, c'est... là-bas, oui?

...I was now blocking the road.

I think what's happening here is people are getting a bit cross.

I'm holding them all up, there's obviously a traffic jam building.

This is the Route Nationale, it's the main road.

The mainest of main roads.

On the plus side, silver lining and all that, I met an actual pirate.

However, having chatted to him for a bit...

Un petit plus lentement, s'il vous plaît. Français...

...I realised I couldn't have been more wrong.

I've discovered something.

This guy's getting married today.

It's his wedding. That's what all this is.

He's not dressed as a pirate.

He's a groom.

And I was holding up him and his entire wedding party.

Oh, God!

Meanwhile, up ahead...

OK, I admit it. This is the worst road in the world ever.

Mary was correct.

Mary will probably turn out to be a prop forward

who drives a JCB for fun at weekends.

(THUDDING AND CLANKING)

Gaargh, that is a horrible noise!

JEREMY: I think this is impossible.

I mean, we need some blasting equipment to get through here.

If you come round this way, you can see from down here,

there's no way in hell you can get a Bentley up that.

Sadly, James and I didn't have any blasting equipment.

So we had to do something radical.

Work together.

Tiny bit of left-hand down. Now you'll have to go for it.

Please!

JAMES: Gently. There you go.

JEREMY: As we were struggling with the terrain,

our colleague was having to deal, in bad French, with his held-up wedding party.

Je m'excuse.

Maintenant, je... aller...

Je vais... And you can do the same. Sorry.

To speed things up, I decided to ditch the tracks

and put the focus back on wheels.

And because they wanted to get to the church on time,

the groom and his mates were more than happy to help.

More wedding people.

JEREMY: Up ahead, our cars were still taking the punishment.

(REVVING AND CLUNKING)

JEREMY: How in the bloody hell is it doing this?

You are watching a Bentley Continental coming up here.

Woo-hoo!

JAMES: However, the big surprise of the day

was the two-wheel-drive Caterham.

Get up there, car. Come on. Go on.

Is that wheel up in the air?

Jesus, it did it.

Did you see that? It did it.

This is a track car. It's a racing car.

(CLUNK) - Can I just remind you of that?

RICHARD: At this point, I'd held up the wedding party for two hours.

But, by using calmness and patience...

...I'd been able to get the wheels on...

Merci.

Sorry.

...get out of everyone's way...

...and then get back on the move.

Oh!

My big problem now, ground clearance. I haven't got any.

(SCRAPING)

It's basically a standard Focus RS.

(CLUNKING)

Oh! (BLEEP)

JEREMY: Up ahead, the road's surface hadn't changed,

but it had got narrower.

So I had to use an ingenious traffic management solution

developed by the locals.

So your job, you run ahead to stop the cars?

- Yes. Stop the cars. Yes, that's my job. - And that's your job.

(OVER RADIO) I've just met a young guy

who's going to run ahead of us

to stop cars coming the other way.

What does he do if there are cars coming the other way?

He stops them in a place where we can get past, you mean?

Exactly.

He organises cars to meet at the right place.

It worked. Running Boy, as he called himself,

did a brilliant job of managing the traffic.

Yes, what... This is a service I like.

I'm going to give him a lot of money because he's bloody earned it.

My tight-fisted colleague, however,

hadn't bothered to do a deal with my new friend.

So he was encountering oncoming traffic...

Jeez.

...in all the wrong places.

(HORN HONKING)

I can't go backwards.

I can't ba... I can't reverse.

I'd have to reverse for about four miles.

JEREMY: James is a stubborn man

but in the face of this much opposition,

he had to resort to bad English and his winch.

Strap on the tree.

This... (WHOOSHES)

You drive.

Get out and help me. (WHOOSHES)

JAMES: Higher. Round the branch.

With the strap attached, I winched away.

(WHIRRING)

Whoop!

Good?

- Good? - (WHIRRING)

Can you get through?

Well done!

Oi!

(CLUNKING)

RICHARD: Several miles back,

the Ford, incredibly, was still going.

Come on.

Gee! Bloody... (LAUGHS)

There we go. Good car.

But I was struggling.

I'd been on the go for ten hours

and as I was heading for another late night,

I decided to stop and grab something to eat.

We've been given these emergency ration packs.

So, what I do is, take the top off there

and that's the food which is, I don't know, beans and sausages.

That goes in there.

And then I add a little drop of water.

I presume this triggers some sort of chemical reaction

with whatever it is in the little bag of stuff.

I don't think that's working.

There's no heat. I'd get more out of a hand warmer.

Oh, wait a minute, it's inflating.

Oh! Oh, no! Oh, my God.

- Oh! No, there's... - (STEAM HISSING)

Ahh! Ah!

Argh!

It's O... Oh! Oh, that's so hot!

Ah! Burning my balls! Ow!

(CLUNKING)

JAMES: As Hammond cooked his testicles,

we were still on the move.

Just.

We still have about nine miles to go.

I could crawl it faster than we're going.

(CLUNKING)

Yeah. Go...

Clarkson, stop. There's a man here with parts of your car.

- (CLUNKING) - Whoa.

Move. Come on, Bentley. Come on, Bentley!

It's getting dark. It's gonna go dark.

JEREMY: I can't believe it. We're not going to make this bloody town tonight.

How can we fail to do 15 miles in a day?

I can't drive like this.

There aren't enough lights in the world to illuminate this horror.

JAMES: So, we stop to make camp,

leaving Hammond out there with nothing but four wheels

and his scalded balls.

Go on, keep pushing. Go on.

RICHARD: Thanks to the toughness of the Focus,

and a little help from the locals,

I was amazingly still in the game.

Oh, that was quite rugged.

The going was getting tougher and tougher.

But I was determined that the little Ford and I would make it.

- (THUD) - Oh, you (BLEEP).

(RICHARD GROANS)

Come on, clear that, go on.

Yeah.

But then...

(CLUNKING)

- (CLATTERING) - Oh, shit. Hold on. Hold on.

Oh, shit.

My clutch has just gone.

Yep. I don't have a clutch.

Pedal's stuck down.

(EXHALES)

Fuck.

(BLEEP)

I'm done.

That's it. It's a clutch. I can't mend the clutch.

The clutch is a clutch and I haven't got a spare one.

It is finished. It ends.

It's dead.

This was the first time ever

we'd lost a car on one of our adventures.

But, there was no time to mourn

because as the sun rose the next morning,

we were on the road early,

eager to cover the last few miles to James's village.

I like walking, but in the Lake District.

There's proper weather there.

All right, mate.

Have you seen how well my car does this stuff?

JEREMY: Once again, Running Boy was out doing his thing.

- Oh, look at this. - (HE LAUGHS)

Thank you so much. Thank you.

Merci bien. Merci.

And, once again, Captain Stubborn hadn't paid him.

(HORN HONKING)

Can you back up a bit?

No, no, no, no. If you just back up a bit.

JAMES: Oi!

Oi!

- (THUD) - Oh!

JEREMY: Then, as we inched our way along,

the big bruiser finally stumbled.

Uh, temperature gauge is climbing, climbing.

It's now in the red. I'm gonna have to stop.

(HISSING)

The trouble is, there are eight radiators in this thing.

I can't even see. I can't get at anything.

JAMES: While my colleague tried to fix his engine by staring at it,

I was arriving at our destination,

the village of Seranambe...

(CHATTER AND LAUGHTER)

Hello.

...where I'd crack the last part of the code

and find the treasure.

In the cryptogram, there is an X.

It's obviously not "X marks the spot".

That would be too obvious.

And, after it, there are distances, which I'm gonna assume are paces,

not miles or kilometres or anything like that.

But I don't know what the...

I don't know what the X means.

I mean, if he's talking about buildings, they'll have all gone.

The trees will all be different.

Only geographical features will be the same

and this is just flat.

JEREMY: Back at the Bentley, the news was not good.

I removed the entire front of the car and I found this.

It's a part of the cooling system

and the end's come off.

The fact of the matter is this.

If I can't get that hose repaired,

it's game over for the MFB.

JAMES: By contrast, in the village, things were looking up.

Wait a minute.

No, wait a minute.

It's the church.

Churches are always built on the same spot, aren't they?

So the "X" is actually a badly-drawn cross.

So from X, the crucifix, it turns out, that's there,

north, that'll be magnetic north, 120 paces,

that's where the treasure is.

After I'd found the spot...

117, 118, 119, 120. There.

...Hammond arrived.

So we broke out the shovels and he started to dig.

- So where do you think he is? - Who?

Jeremy.

Well, he was behind me about two kilometres up the hill

- outside the town. - Yeah.

And then I sort of lost radio contact with him.

And I haven't heard from him since.

- (RATCHET CLICKING) - This isn't...

Oh, this is never gonna work.

No, the end's come off. The end's come off that now.

Why doesn't it...? Why is everything breaking?

Oh, God-all-bloody-mighty.

JAMES: There are two reasons why we don't need him.

Yeah?

One is, he doesn't believe in buried treasure.

Yeah.

And the other is, he's not gonna do any digging, is he?

And the other is, treasure goes a lot further split two ways.

- Exactly. - It's 50 million each.

It's 49 and a half million. We'll have to leave a bit for the crew.

JEREMY: Sadly for James and Richard,

two hours later, they were back to a three-way split.

What in the name of all that's holy is going on here?

- It's not here, is it? - JAMES: How do you know?

- Because it isn't here. - It's not here yet.

We'd have found it by now. They didn't build the Channel Tunnel, did they?

- Ahem. - RICHARD: Oh, hello.

JAMES: Where the bloody hell have you been?

I have been giving myself dirty fingernails.

- Oh, dear. - Why?

Well, I've been fitting my bonnet with the Madagascar pack, but never mind that.

Why have you two dug a hole

in the middle of this pretty little town's football pitch?

Because this is where the treasure is.

- Is the treasure buried here? - No.

Right, well, on that terrible,

but entirely predictable disappointment, it's time to...

Um, actually...

It's not time to end, apparently. Why? What?

You know that island down there? We passed it yesterday.

Yeah?

Did you know it's actually called Pirate Island?

And it makes sense, if you think about it,

that he wouldn't have hid the treasure on Madagascar, where it could be found.

He'd have hidden it in secret on Pirate Island.

So, that's probably where it is, innit? Think about it.

How long have you known

that that island was called Pirate Island?

(EXHALES) Always.

JEREMY: Fearing that the village football team might be a bit annoyed,

we decided to get out of town, fast.

(REVVING)

Go on, get that up!

Come on!

Come on! Run it up!

TM-19032, this is James. Your man is taking beer off the boat.

The beer is supposed to go on the boat.

JEREMY: Whilst Roger the Cabin Boy and Seaman Staines got ready to sail,

I paid Running Boy, gave him some new shoes...

Yes? Bon?

...and then rushed to the boat myself.

RICHARD: Finally.

Oh, good, they've ruined the football pitch and now they've ruined the beach.

Is this the same boat we used the other day?

Yes, I've chartered it, it's ours.

With the entire crew loaded on board, and May's booze lorries,

I decided to give him a present

appropriate for someone who'd just ruined the town's only sports venue.

It's a number plate and it's magic, OK?

- JAMES: Is it? - No, it is, it's magic.

To the ladies and gentlemen at home, it's pixilated.

It's only visible to the naked eye.

RICHARD: Ooh, that's quite a strong message.

I mean, obviously you can't read it, because as I say, it's magic.

We can see exactly what it says and it...

That's when it's stationary. Does it still work if it moves?

Let's test how good it is as magic.

(RICHARD CHUCKLES)

But the editor of the programme

says, "Please don't put it on your car,"

cos he can't pixelate... (LAUGHS)

Because we can't afford to pixilate the rest of the film.

- Yes, OK. Understood. - But you can put it on your office desk.

- Yes. - Can we get this ramp up, and get...

- Guys. Can we get the ramp up and go? - Yes.

- OK, ramp up, please. - (BELL RINGS)

JEREMY: As we'd be out at sea for a while,

Richard broke out his research books.

And here we are.

Olivier Levasseur, La Buse.

There's the cross. There it actually is.

A picture of the cross on his ship.

JEREMY: Meanwhile, May and I sat down

for a look back at what we'd achieved.

Have you gone fully Bear Grylls?

Is that your own urine?

No, no, no, no. It's Chablis.

(LAUGHS) Anyway...

In less than a week,

we have managed to cover a staggering 139 miles.

And our cars...

Well, two of our cars are still running.

Phenomenal achievement, really.

That isn't even a car, really.

That is a track-day toy.

- That's a racing car. - It is.

And all I've done is put some big tyres on it.

I'll tell you what driving the Bentley's like off road.

It's just this sense of immenseness.

It's like being at the birth of a world in there.

There's a sense of enormous power going on.

Of biblical happenings.

Whereas yours is just this little insect hopping about. Or a goat.

No, I'll tell you what mine is like.

What it's like being in the Caterham.

It's like being invited to the football World Cup final

and they've given you a special seat

and it's inside the ball.

(LAUGHS WHEEZILY)

I'd rather be at the birth of a world.

In control of the birth of a world.

You are not in control, you're just inside a football being kicked about.

Whereas I am in control.

Right, we're gonna have a continent here

and we'll have some tides on the moon.

You know, we'll get that going around, it'll be fantastic.

And then we'll have some tectonic plates.

That's not really what happens at the birth of a world.

- Yes, it is. - No, it isn't.

Somebody doesn't sit there planning it.

But the fact is, your car, it is disgusting, James.

I can see germs coming out of it.

When you drove through a lake of human effluent, you were covered in it.

When I drove through the human effluent,

my front window went a bit brown momentarily

and then that was the end of that.

I was back to my air-conditioned splendour.

- That's why mine's better. - Your car's not better.

I've got a spotless shirt on.

- But that's not the objective. - Yes, it is.

The objective is not to be spotless,

it is to find treasure in Madagascar.

- There isn't any treasure. - You don't know that.

- I do know that. OK. - How do you know that?

(CONVERSATION FADES)

I used to do this as a kid, but that'd be my teacher on the plank.

Now there's someone even better.

Arr!

Arr. (CACKLES LIKE A PIRATE)

JEREMY: Soon Pirate Island hoved into view

and we prepared to disembark.

Clarkson!

Where are my shoes?

JEREMY: Having reached land, James and I experienced a strange sensation.

Holy mother of God, it's a road!

Nice, isn't it? It's like coming back inside and standing on the carpet.

Along with the Tarmac, there was also a mobile phone signal,

electricity and many shops.

That is an actual restaurant.

James and Richard could go and dig a big hole

in the kitchen of the restaurant, perhaps.

Put him out of business.

Why would you not do that?

Roger the Cabin Boy, meanwhile,

had found some transport.

(HORN TOOTING)

Yep, I've ended up in a tuk tuk

but it's no ordinary tuk tuk. It's got a pirate on it.

- (THUDDING) - Oh, yes.

It's a great ride as well.

As Hammond bought stupid souvenirs...

It's a bit more "Arr", a bit more piratey.

...I found a hotel

so May could get back to code cracking.

And in the morning, we set off with James still believing

the locals were laughing at his car...

not him.

(CHILDREN LAUGHING)

Now, I had a bit of a breakthrough last night, viewers.

The cryptograph, La Buse's cryptograph,

mentions a Turkish dog,

which doesn't actually mean a dog from Turkey.

It means a dog with no hair.

And when I looked at the map of the island,

I realised it looks like a hairless dog.

And its ear is a beach. A very distinct beach.

That's where we're going. That's where I think the crucifix is buried.

I'm absolutely convinced of it.

JEREMY: Soon we arrived at the completely deserted beach

which looked nothing like a dog's ear,

and immediately my deluded colleagues started to talk gibberish.

- So, is this it? - Yeah, this is it.

- This is where it is? - And it makes perfect sense, actually.

- If you're in a cartoon. - No.

If you're fleeing from the Royal Navy

and you unload the treasure and you quickly bury it before they get to you.

The obvious place to bury it is on the beach, cos it's easy to dig.

So we could right now be standing on it?

- You could be. - It could be under our feet.

But it could be over there. This is quite a big crescent,

so I would suggest we divide it up into three,

make sure we don't miss any of it.

- So, Hammond, you take that third. - Gladly.

I'll go in the middle. You go down the far end.

Right. Come on, lads. We've come a long way to do this, let's get to work.

RICHARD: Since we were looking for a 220-pound gold cross,

the best tool for the job was clearly a metal detector.

I should check it works.

See if it can find my Swiss hill climb knee.

- (BEEPING AND SQUEALING) - Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Wooh.

Yep, it definitely works.

It is possible that when I find it, it'll be grizzly,

because pirates used to,

when they buried their treasure,

bury a prisoner on top of it...

...so the ghost would protect the treasure.

JAMES: Meanwhile, and as you'd expect,

I was doing things properly.

It's gonna take a long time to do this beach,

so I'm gonna assemble four metal detectors

on this rudimentary trailer that I've put together,

and then I can detect four times as much beach in one pass and I can use the car.

JEREMY: Given that we'd be conducting this fools' errand in the blazing heat,

I decided my time would be better spent

building some kind of shelter.

(WHIRRING)

Excellent, excellent.

JAMES: By late morning, my treasure-detecting solution system

was finally ready.

Let's do this in a systematic way.

The great thing about this, of course,

is that my wheel tracks will show me which bits I've already done.

It's a bit like ploughing a field.

Bugger.

JAMES: Having turned my treasure-detecting trailer

into a treasure-detecting sledge, I set off once more.

50 mill.

There's no tax on it, is there?

JEREMY: By mid-afternoon,

Roger and Seaman were getting hot and bothered.

Just a beep. Come on, a beep.

But, luckily, my simple shelter was now finished.

(TINKLING)

Couple of banana daiquiris I've prepared for you.

RICHARD: What the hell is this?

I told you I was building some shelter and I...

- It's a bar. - Oh, I'm sorry!

I'm sorry that the bar-shaped shelter

doesn't meet with your requirements.

Thank you for the banana daiquiri, it's excellent.

Thank you.

But might you make a bit of effort to help us achieve our objective?

Which is to find the Fiery Cross of Goa,

a seven-foot high golden crucifix studded with rubies.

Shall I tell you exactly where that is?

Same as every other piece of looted treasure.

It's in the bowels of the Vatican.

- No, it isn't. - Hey, no, it isn't.

And, listen, it was real. We know that.

The French government offered La Buse

a pardon for his piracy

if he'd go back to France

and hand over the fiery cross, and he...

Wait a minute. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

The French government did what?

The French government said, "We'll give you, La Buse, an amnesty as a pirate

if you'll bring specifically the fiery cross back to France."

And he said, "No," and hid it. Fact.

These aren't things from Hammond's books.

These are cross-referenced primary source pieces of academic research.

We know it existed and the evidence says it's on this beach.

No pirate treasure... You will agree with this.

No pirate treasure has ever been found, buried pirate treasure.

No, that's because it's still lost.

Tutankhamun hadn't been found for thousands of years.

- And then it was. - Exactly.

There's a chance, then, if I go down there, I find this cross?

- There's a chance? - Yes.

If I do a quick search, can I come back to my shelter?

- Not too quick. - You got to thorough search.

We've divided the beach up.

If I do a thorough search, can I come back to my... -Yes, yes.

Of course. If you do a thorough search and we find it...

We'll celebrate in your bar.

Fair enough. Your arguments have been persuasive.

We'll meet you back in your bar.

Yes, in... 20 minutes.

- Nn... - No, 20 minutes.

- It's a big job. - I can cover that in 20 minutes.

So, whilst Hammond and May got back to finishing off their sections,

I began on mine.

You do have to be a little bit careful with this if you're doing this at home,

trying to find something in your garden.

Right, this is the fuse wire.

Put one end in there, like that,

and I light the other end, and then I have, I'm told,

three minutes to reach minimum safe distance in the MFB,

before the explosions begin.

OK.

- (FUSE FIZZING) - Lovely.

That is not three minutes! Shit.

Shit. Shit!

Begin!

Ah, I've turned it off!

Ah! Traction control.

- No, no, no! - (EXPLOSIONS)

Oh, Jesus!

(WIND WHISTLING)

On the plus side, my work had been extremely thorough.

On the minus side, however...

Find anything?

Not a thing. You?

Nothing. He's only got that little bit to do.

So there's nothing there. What about there?

And that's annoying because, and I'm not making this up,

I have just had this email...

- JAMES: Ohh. - (JEREMY CHUCKLES)

- That's cruel. - (DETECTOR WHINING)

- RICHARD: Ah, chaps. - What?

(DETECTOR WHINING)

Chaps, there's...

It's... Listen, it's there!

Shovel! Shovel!

- (RICHARD GASPS) - There's something there.

There.

JEREMY: Jesus. What's that?

What is it?

(HEAVENLY MUSIC)

I think it's the Holy Grail.

JAMES: Oh, cock.

And on that terrible disappointment, it is time to end.

No more memories from your childhood?

- No, I got nothing. - OK, that is it.

Thank you so much for watching.

Take care. See you soon.