Original subtitles

♪♪

The perfect Thanksgiving leftover sandwich --

turkey, cranberry sauce, pumpkin pie,

Tuttle's famous baba ghanoush,

and a nice, big splash of the after-dinner sambuca.

[squish]

[grunting]

Thanksgiving is over, Francine.

We can't live in the past.

The Christmas season has now begun.

The Smiths have only ever had

very bad, very weird Christmases.

So this year, it's imperative that we finally have

the perfect Norman Rockwell holiday season.

Oh, no, no. Th-This isn't right at all.

Hayley, why aren't your cheeks rosier?

Hey, cut it out!

And, Steve, this sweater is supposed to warm my icy heart?

It's one of those ironic ugly Christmas sweaters, see?

It's kitschy. It's fun.

Well, excuse me, John Waters,

but there's no room for irony in our perfect Christmas.

Geez, okay,

I'll dig into my Jaclyn Smiths.

Why aren't all your shoes on?

We need to be heading out for the Christmas tree lighting

at the Langley in like two minutes!

What's the Langley?

Oh, my God, tell me you're kidding!

I'm crawling into the goddamn fire.

The Langley is the upscale outdoor mall they built

where the stupid old [nasally] eh, public library used to be.

The Langley? Super swank.

Victoria Beckham bought a condo there but has never visited.

Klaus, why aren't you warming upthe car like I told you?

I'm texting with my brother from another mother Jurgen

right now, and he's freaking out.

Some blackmailers hacked his webcam,

and he didn't pay up, so they sent a video of him

cranking it to his entire contact list.

Now everyone's calling him Jerkin' Jurgen.

This is not appropriate

Norman Rockwell-like Christmas talk.

I saw that video, and I think it's actually

gonna be good for him.

Dude's got a monster hog.

Yeah, but he's got those tiny little balls.

Hey, I got time to blast a shit real quick?

Norman Rockwell!

♪♪

♪ Good morning, USA ♪

♪♪

Now, tell me, does this place do Christmas right or what?

And look, they even have an actual polar bear

at Santa's workshop.

[bear growling, baby screaming]

But lest we forget, who's that special man

the good Lord sent to Earth?

Who's the reason we have all this

Christmas splendor to enjoy?

TOGETHER: Visionary mall developer Vic Mancuso.

That's right.

And there he is now!

[cheers and applause]

An angel of a man in front of a behemoth of a tree.

[whistles] Norway spruce, 163 feet tall,

secured in place by over 6,000 total feet of 200K-PSI

reinforced steel tension wire.

How do you know all that?

Just eyeballin' it.

Well, since we seem to have found our spot here,

I just have a quick errand I need to take care of.

Yeah, you do.

Getting hot chocolates for the whole family.

What?! No, I really --

"No" nothing.

Four piping-hot cocoas to hold like this --

Mmmmm.

[slurps, smacks lips]

Ahh! Tastes like Christmas.

Well, I was actually hoping to --

Get some caramel corn?

Great! 'Cause that's what you're doing.

And, Francine, you're going to Santa's workshop

to ask the Santa there if he'd like to join us

to watch the tree lighting.

Long shot, maybe, but what if -- if he says yes?

-Listen, Stan -- -No, you listen!

Today is the kickoff to the entire Christmas season,

and we only have one chance to make it absolutely perfect.

So could you slap-dicks just do one thing each

to help me make that happen?

Now go!

You are tough but fair, Stan.

Shut up, you idiot.

You made me forget my phone in the car, you idiot.

Again, so fair.

Save our spot.

You can count on me, Stan.

- Aah! - [glass clatters]

[squishing]

♪♪

STAN: 5:55.

Okay, should still make it back in plenty of time

to see the surviving members of Big Bad Voodoo Daddy

play "God Rest Ye Swingin' Gentlemen."

[bell dinging]

Aah!

Careful, there!

I've heard of catching a train,

but not with your teeth!

[laughs]

[grumbles]

ROGER: Got a minute, handsome?

What if I told you the black mud of the Dead Sea

can offer you hope in your battle with rosacea?

I don't have rosacea.

And now I'm gonna touch the small of your back like this.

Does it make you feel like you can trust me?

So, this is what you had to do

instead of spending Tree- Lighting Day with your family?

Oh, hey, Stan!

Look, I'm sorry, but I got to move a lot of cream

to make my year-end quota.

But don't worry, I'll get there.

It's as simple as A-B-C...

T-T-C-A-T-E-T-H-R.

"Always Be Constantly Touching the Customer,

And Tell Everyone They Have Rosacea."

Matter of fact, have you ever thought about trying

to address your skin condition?

What skin condition?

May I place my hand like this underneath your armpit?

Our cream is fast-working and totally natural.

You could eat it if you wanted to.

I'm munching on the stuff all day myself.

So, how many jars can I put you down for,

you crimson-faced monster?

CROWD: 10, 9...

- What?! - ...8...

- It's only 6:00! - ...7, 6, 5...

I thought the actual lighting wasn't till 7:00!

...4, 3, 2, 1!

[cheers and applause]

[bulb hissing]

[gasping]

I warned you this would happen!

It was too big, I said! And too dry!

I still think it could've gone okay!

♪♪

Maxon! For God's sake, Maxon, run!

I swore an oath!

Francine!

Hayley! Steve!

Maxon!

♪♪

[explosion reverberates]

[flames crackling, man screaming]

Stop! Stop!

Can't you see this man needs top-dollar skincare?

Don't worry, this borage oil scrub

both exfoliates and rejuvenates.

- [squishing] - Hm.

A lot of your skin is just comin' right off.

[chains rattling, bear growling]

Okay, Daganyah, this might be your toughest sale ever.

-What if -- -[bear snarls]

They're all... dead.

[siren wailing]

♪♪

Come on, Mr. S.

Maybe opening presents will make us feel better.

How?

I can never have the only thing I really want --

my family.

All I have left of them is what the rescue workers

managed to find among the wreckage.

Steve's glasses.

Hayley's headband.

Francine's famous no-show socks.

It was supposed to be a perfect day,

but it ended up going so wrong

that it now ranks among some of the very worst days of my life.

I'm so sorry, Mr. S.

Spare me!

You have no idea what it feels like to lose a wife.

[shakily] I -- I lost Hayley.

[sobbing] My Hayley!

She died never finding happiness!

[sobs]

Mr. S., you haven't eaten in days.

At least have a fortune cookie.

Fine. If you'll leave me alone.

Merry Christmas, Mr. S.

Merry Christmas.

"You can make right what once went wrong."

[bell dinging]

Aah!

Careful, there!

I've heard of catching a train,

but not with your teeth!

[laughs]

What the...?!

I'm back.

I'm back!

MAN: And I'm back, too, baby!

Guess who just got approved

for a Banana Republic credit card

despite three bankruptcies!

Ba-boom!

W-W-Whoo, whoo, whoo!

♪♪

How can this be?

Am I dreaming?

5:55.

ROGER: Got a minute, handsome?

What if I told you the black mud --

- Roger! - Oh, hey, Stan.

- What the hell is happening? - In a word -- rosacea.

It is a red tide on your face, my friend.

One minute ago, I was on the couch, and then...

Now, your girlfriend must complain to you

about your rough, bumpy skin, yes?

When she's close like this?

STAN: "You can make right what once went wrong."

I'm being given a chance to save my family!

You're being given a chance to save your nasty-ass skin

with our jojoba-infused mud mask.

Hot chocolate, popcorn, Santa's workshop.

Jojoba!

[chuckling] They don't make words like that anymore.

Steve! Steve!

Where is he? I need to get moving.

Time is running out. Barista, urgent question --

What is a hug mug?

It's a cozy, rounded mug you hold like this,

with two hands!

Okay, lay one on me. But I'm in a serious hurry,

so let's put a rush on that, sister.

[bell tolling]

[flames roaring]

[crowd screaming]

What have I done?

I've wasted my chance!

[explosion reverberating]

- [bell dinging] - Aah!

Careful, there!

I've heard of catching a train,

but not with your teeth!

[laughs]

I'm alive! And I'm back again!

Okay, I'll get Francine and Hayley.

Maybe they know where Steve is.

There's not one second to spare.

One large hug mug, name Big Stanno.

I'll swing back to pick it up after I collect my family!

Hayley!

Baby girl!

Oh, sorry.

You might want to talk to my friend Daganyah --

kiosk in front of the H&M.

And no Francine either!

Where the hell could they be? [gasps]

Pleasure doing business with you.

There was a time the word "genius" was reserved

for the likes of Isaac Newton and Zach Braff.

Steve! My beautiful baby boy!

Is it -- Is it really you?

Yeah?

Oh, Steve, let's never fight again.

After you tell me why the hell you aren't

getting us our hot chocolates!

And where's your mom and Hayley?

I don't know!

Okay, okay. I know where you are now.

[crowd screaming]

Aah! I never picked up my hug mug.

[bell dinging]

Aah!

Careful, there!

I've heard of catching a train, but not with your teeth.

Boop!

Hayley? Francine?

[bell tolling]

[crowd screaming]

- [bell dinging] - Aah!

Hayley? Francine?

- [bell dinging] - Aah!

Hayley? Francine?

♪♪

Hayley!

Where's our caramel corn?

And where the hell is your mother?

You do rinse these things off between each customer, right?

Eh, if they get too bloody, I give 'em a little lick.

Here comes the poke!

- STAN: Francine! - [sighing] All right, Stan.

You caught me. Fun's over.

Psh-yeah, right. The fun is just beginning!

The fun of me yelling at you!

Why is no one doing the Christmas chores

we all agreed to?

We didn't agree to anything!

You've just been bossing us around all day like a big jerk,

so we decided to do some stuff we wanted to do instead.

And what you wanted to do was turn yourself

into some kind of Sideshow Susan,

Lady of Many Holes?

Oh, relax, Stan.

I enjoy getting pierced, okay?

I do it all the time and then just let the holes close up.

Except for the ones that don't.

In the right breeze,

my nipples can whistle "Camptown Races."

And as everybody knows, my interest in basketball

has just gone into hyperdrive lately.

I'm very disappointed in the both of you.

I'm gonna go shoot the shit with Maxon till the fire comes.

[wind howling, whistling]

[explosion reverberating]

- [bell dinging] - Aah!

They're way too spread out for me

to be able to get them all out in time.

I'll have to somehow stop the disaster itself

from ever happening.

Mr. Mancuso, my liege, in your infinite wisdom,

I implore you to call off the lighting.

Countless lives are at stake!

Activate the snipers.

[high-pitched buzzing]

Mancuso, you've done it again.

[gunfire]

- [bell dinging] - Aah!

Careful, there! I've --

Janitor! You have to help me.

I need to find the main circuit breaker

so I can cut power to the entire mall.

Easy, buddy. Nice and --

Please, Janitor, we have to hurry.

Well, I'm already in a hurry.

It's my wife Daisy's birthday tomorrow,

and if I don't get her some of those chocolate bonbons

she loves, I'm gonna be pulling

rolling-pin splinters out of my backside.

[laughs]

Janitors can get married?

[explosion reverberating]

- [bell dinging] - Aah!

Listen! How could I know all this?

Your wife's name is Daisy. It's her birthday tomorrow.

She loves chocolate bonbons --

You been [bleep] my wife?!

[grunts] I'll kill you, you son of a bitch!

- [grunting] - Stop it!

- You've gone mad with rosacea! - [groans]

- [bell dinging] - Aah!

Look, I know this sounds crazy,

but I'm in some kind of time loop.

Say no more! What do you need?

To... get to the main circuit breaker.

Gotcha.

These are the blueprints to the whole mall.

Now, how long's your loop?

Uh, I... five minutes? Uh...

[whistles] Gonna be tight.

We can find you a path there, but you're gonna have to do...

The perfect five minutes.

[explosion reverberating]

- [bell dinging] - Aah!

Slow down!

What are you, in a damn time loop or something?!

♪♪

[coughs]

♪♪

Hi! Can I --

There's no time!

Sweat-wicking Nulux leggings

for optimally reduced wind resistance.

♪♪

Order for Big Stanno.

[screaming]

[glass shatters]

- [bell dinging] - Aah!

[laughs]

No hot chocolate this time unless I save my family.

That will be my reward.

Can I help y-- [grunts]

CROWD: 10, 9, 8, 7,

6, 5, 4,

3, 2, 1!

[powering down]

[crowd murmuring]

Anyone want a hit of this skin cream?

I did it.

They're gonna live.

I warned you this would happen!

The power's gonna go out, I said!

No tree makes a fool of Vic Mancuso!

[grunts]

[creaking, rattling]

[line whipping]

♪♪

Mm? [groans lightly]

[all groaning quietly]

♪♪

[gasps]

I got this.

May I place my hand underneath your armpit?

[bear growls]

[splat]

- [bell dinging] - Aah!

Careful, there!

How do I make it stop?!

Nothing I do matters!

I just want to die and stay dead!

Whoooa, now!

Sounds like someone's got a caseof the time-loop blues.

"You can make right what once went wrong."

But I can't!

No matter what I do or how perfectly I do it,

they always still die!

The cookie's bullshit, Janitor!

Well, maybe what you can "make right" isn't the disaster,

but the way you treated your family?

How? I only have

these same 5 measly minutes over and over again.

Not over and over.

See the lucky numbers here on your fortune?

Classic time-loop countdown.

I'd say you only got three loops left.

Wow.

You are the wisest janitor I've ever met.

Well, next to the one at Arby's who told me to check out

The Bastard Executioner.

It did not disappoint.

I watched the whole thing like this.

Anyway...

You can either waste your last few loops

running around trying to save your family,

or you can spend them being with them.

Your choice.

Yep, they ain't ever easy,

these magical time-loop situations.

Body-switching vice-versas, same thing.

I-I'm in one right now, matter of fact.

[whispering] I'm actually a little boy.

That explains why you kept telling me

how strong your dad was earlier.

Which I still don't believe.

[explosion reverberating, people screaming]

[laughs]

So, let me get this straight.

You're in a body-swap situation,

and you're actually an 85-year-old

French-Canadian bus driver?

- STAN: Francine? - [sighing] All right, Stan.

You caught me.

I'll head over to Santa's workshop like you wanted.

No! We're gonna do something you want to do now.

Garçon, give us both the works.

[whistles]

I was so hung up on making this a perfect day

for the family...

[groans] ...that I lost sight of the fact that...

Aah!

...the day was already perfect because...

Mother[bleep]

...I was with my family.

And I'm sorry for that.

Oh, Stan!

I'd kiss you if this chain

weren't connecting my upper lip to my belly button.

I'm just glad we got to spend some time together before

we're consumed by a bone-meltingtsunami of fire.

Aw, me too.

- [bell tolling] - Wait, what?!

[explosion reverberating, people screaming]

Do you have any balls that feature Tweety Bird

dressed up all street?

STAN: Think fast!

How about a little one-on-one with your old man?

Best to 11.

Or whoever's ahead when we die.

I'd like that.

- Ohh! - My ball!

Michael Jordan!

Larry Bird!

Air Bud!

Air Bud 2: Golden Receiver!

For the Love of Benji!

Turner & Hooch!

Dog Day Afternoon!

BOTH: Beverly Hills Chihuahua!

[both laughing]

That was a lot of fun. Thanks, Dad.

[bell tolling]

And here comes the fireball.

[explosion reverberating, people screaming]

Let's just get this over with, shall we?

Steve! My first and now certainly only son!

Let's bond.

Uh, I'm kind of in the middle of something right now.

Okay, you're here. You love tech.

Let's play computer together!

Any of these things do Leisure Suit Larry?

Um, who is this guy?

Don't worry about it, jerk.

Who do you have such a contentious relationship

with this simple, hardworking genius?

Because this genius hacked my computer,

and if I don't pay him off right now,

he's gonna put out a video of me whacking it, okay?!

[gasps, murmurs]

I said come alone.

Deal's off.

[click]

Ugh, what a day!

[gasps]

Time to relax with a little hand-to-gland combat.

[chuckles]

[crowd murmuring]

Hey! That's our lotion!

Allison...

Janney...

SafeSearch off.

[as Borat] Mm, very nice!

[normal voice] All right.

Let's dig on in down here

and really show this little bastard who's boss.

[zipper rasps, crowd gasps]

- Oh, no! - Not what we're here to see!

WOMAN: What is this?!

[tapping on mic, feedback screeches]

Ladies and gentlemen, clearly,

Christmas at the Langley has been ruined.

There will be no holiday celebration this year.

May God have mercy on our souls.

[vehicles whirring, beeping]

They're taking it all down.

[sighing] It's over.

Sorry I ruined our family's big day, Dad.

Are you kidding me?

This is the perfect day,

the perfect start to a perfect Christmas.

♪ Ohh, ohhhhhh, oh ♪

♪♪

♪ Rockin' around the Christmas tree ♪

♪ At the Christmas party hop ♪

Bye! Have a great time!