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1
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Woe is me. Woe is me.
2
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The cry you're hearing
is that of the broken-hearted crocodile.
3
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It is a rare species of reptile found in
swampy regions that are particularly sad.
4
00:01:35,208 --> 00:01:37,833
Woe is me. Woe is me.
5
00:01:37,917 --> 00:01:39,458
My name is Lemony Snicket,
6
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and it is my sworn duty
to carefully research
7
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the dire plight of the Baudelaire orphans.
8
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But there is no reason
for you to make yourself
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as miserable and melancholy as I am.
10
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If I were you, I would look away
11
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before viewing any of the horrible
and horrifying events
12
00:01:54,083 --> 00:01:59,708
that comprise this ghastly new episode...
in the Baudelaires' unfortunate lives.
13
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It's a brand-new episode
in your lives, Baudelaires.
14
00:02:03,000 --> 00:02:06,000
In a few minutes you'll be meeting
your new guardian, Dr. Montgomery.
15
00:02:06,083 --> 00:02:07,500
He's your closest living relative
16
00:02:07,583 --> 00:02:09,792
and apparently should've been
your guardian all along,
17
00:02:09,875 --> 00:02:11,458
according to your deceased parents' will.
18
00:02:11,542 --> 00:02:14,792
I'm beginning to think it was a mistake
to listen to that oddly-dressed consultant
19
00:02:14,875 --> 00:02:18,208
who walked into my office
with no references and no identification,
20
00:02:18,292 --> 00:02:20,833
and who suggested that I place you
in Count Olaf's care.
21
00:02:20,917 --> 00:02:23,083
My siblings and I wholeheartedly agree.
22
00:02:26,333 --> 00:02:27,958
My recently-rehired secretary Jacquelyn
23
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is nervous
that Count Olaf is still at large,
24
00:02:29,667 --> 00:02:32,417
but I don't think Olaf will be able
to find you way out here.
25
00:02:32,500 --> 00:02:35,250
Oh, look, there's an easy-to-read sign
for Lousy Lane.
26
00:02:35,333 --> 00:02:38,792
The Baudelaire orphans
more than wholeheartedly agreed.
27
00:02:38,875 --> 00:02:41,458
And living with Count Olaf
had been more than a mistake.
28
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It had been a disaster.
It had been a catastrophe.
29
00:02:44,500 --> 00:02:45,750
And the worst of it
30
00:02:45,833 --> 00:02:48,208
was that the villainous Count Olaf
was still at large,
31
00:02:48,292 --> 00:02:51,458
a phrase which here means
that the authorities had not caught him
32
00:02:51,542 --> 00:02:54,583
and would not catch him
for a very long time.
33
00:02:54,667 --> 00:02:57,375
By the way, the police tell me
they feel very confident
34
00:02:57,458 --> 00:02:59,708
that Count Olaf will be caught
in no time at all.
35
00:02:59,792 --> 00:03:00,792
Ah, here's the turn.
36
00:03:00,875 --> 00:03:04,292
Lousy Lane is perhaps
the most unpleasant lane in the world.
37
00:03:04,375 --> 00:03:08,333
It runs past an orchard of trees
which once produced apples so sour,
38
00:03:08,417 --> 00:03:11,042
one only had to look at them to feel ill.
39
00:03:11,125 --> 00:03:13,375
And it encircles a horseradish factory,
40
00:03:13,458 --> 00:03:17,208
so the entire area smells
bitter and strong.
41
00:03:21,167 --> 00:03:24,083
Uh, what... what is that smell?
42
00:03:24,167 --> 00:03:29,000
It's ginger, I believe. We're here.
43
00:03:35,125 --> 00:03:39,250
How exactly is Dr. Montgomery
related to us?
44
00:03:39,333 --> 00:03:41,333
Dr. Montgomery is, let me see,
45
00:03:41,417 --> 00:03:44,875
your late father's cousin's
wife's brother.
46
00:03:44,958 --> 00:03:46,750
That probably explains
why you never met him.
47
00:03:58,167 --> 00:04:00,750
Come along, Violet.
48
00:04:00,833 --> 00:04:03,708
What do we call him?
I mean, he's not exactly our uncle.
49
00:04:03,792 --> 00:04:05,208
You can call him Dr. Montgomery,
50
00:04:05,292 --> 00:04:07,125
unless he asks you to call him
by his first name,
51
00:04:07,208 --> 00:04:08,750
in which case you'll call him Montgomery.
52
00:04:08,833 --> 00:04:12,333
- His name is Montgomery Montgomery?
- Yes, yes.
53
00:04:12,417 --> 00:04:15,542
And I'm sure he's very sensitive
about that, so please don't ridicule him.
54
00:04:15,625 --> 00:04:18,250
- "Ridicule" means "tease."
- We know what ridicule means.
55
00:04:18,333 --> 00:04:21,750
I can...
I can still smell that ginger.
56
00:04:21,833 --> 00:04:24,208
I hope Dr. Montgomery is a decent person.
57
00:04:26,583 --> 00:04:29,250
Hello, hello, hello.
58
00:04:29,333 --> 00:04:32,167
- You must be the Baudelaires.
- Yes.
59
00:04:32,250 --> 00:04:36,417
Well, this is perfect timing
because I have just finished frosting
60
00:04:36,500 --> 00:04:38,417
this delicious coconut cream cake.
61
00:04:38,500 --> 00:04:41,167
Take a fork, take a fork, take a fork.
62
00:04:41,250 --> 00:04:44,083
- Nice to meet you, Dr. Montgomery.
- Please, call me Monty.
63
00:04:44,167 --> 00:04:47,625
I don't like fancy titles unless
they get me a discount at the movies.
64
00:04:47,708 --> 00:04:49,500
Do you like going to the movies?
65
00:04:49,583 --> 00:04:52,292
Very much.
But our parents didn't take us very often.
66
00:04:52,375 --> 00:04:55,167
Well, we are going to go a lot.
67
00:04:55,250 --> 00:04:58,583
To some very important
and very special films.
68
00:04:58,667 --> 00:04:59,708
What is your favorite movie?
69
00:04:59,792 --> 00:05:02,792
Um, Dawn Patrol, the 1938 version.
70
00:05:02,875 --> 00:05:04,333
It was your father's favorite, too.
71
00:05:04,417 --> 00:05:07,500
Well, let's not stand out here.
Come in!
72
00:05:07,583 --> 00:05:08,833
Let's go.
73
00:05:08,917 --> 00:05:10,708
Come along. Yes, we're going.
74
00:05:10,792 --> 00:05:14,375
Now you must be Violet,
the inventor.
75
00:05:14,458 --> 00:05:17,042
And you are Klaus, the reader.
76
00:05:17,125 --> 00:05:21,250
Your mother was so proud
of your voracious intellectual appetites.
77
00:05:21,958 --> 00:05:24,917
And you must be Sunny.
78
00:05:25,000 --> 00:05:26,250
Would you like a piece of cake?
79
00:05:26,333 --> 00:05:29,250
My sister prefers very hard food.
80
00:05:29,333 --> 00:05:31,958
Ah. Well, that is unusual for a baby.
81
00:05:32,042 --> 00:05:34,250
But not so unusual for many snakes.
82
00:05:34,333 --> 00:05:37,958
Perhaps Sunny would prefer a raw carrot?
83
00:05:42,708 --> 00:05:46,000
Well, that leaves one extra slice of cake.
84
00:05:46,083 --> 00:05:47,417
Hmm...
85
00:05:48,833 --> 00:05:51,750
I know. I'll eat it myself.
86
00:05:51,833 --> 00:05:53,292
I'm just kidding, just kidding,
87
00:05:53,375 --> 00:05:57,167
Mr. Poe of Mulctuary Money Management,
you are welcome to a slice of cake.
88
00:05:57,250 --> 00:05:59,958
No, I should be getting back
to the bank soon.
89
00:06:00,083 --> 00:06:03,083
Besides, coconut leaves
a funny feeling in my mouth.
90
00:06:03,167 --> 00:06:05,583
If you need anything,
remember, you can always reach me...
91
00:06:05,667 --> 00:06:08,000
They won't need anything
from you, Mr. Poe.
92
00:06:08,083 --> 00:06:10,125
They're finally in my care,
93
00:06:10,208 --> 00:06:12,917
and I will dedicate myself
to their safety, comfort and happiness
94
00:06:13,000 --> 00:06:17,000
as enthusiastically as I have dedicated
myself to this coconut cream cake.
95
00:06:17,083 --> 00:06:19,125
Our parents' fortune can't be used
until Violet comes of age.
96
00:06:19,208 --> 00:06:20,458
Klaus, don't be rude.
97
00:06:20,542 --> 00:06:22,542
Though, legally,
he's correct about the fortune.
98
00:06:22,625 --> 00:06:25,292
I don't give a fig
about the Baudelaire fortune, Mr. Poe,
99
00:06:25,375 --> 00:06:27,667
what with my salary
from the Herpetological Society.
100
00:06:27,750 --> 00:06:32,708
But, as a scientist...
I do admire your skepticism, Klaus.
101
00:06:32,792 --> 00:06:35,375
It's understandable after what
you children have been through.
102
00:06:35,458 --> 00:06:39,375
Ah, that unpleasantness with Count Olaf.
No need to scare the man.
103
00:06:42,750 --> 00:06:44,375
Terribly sorry, Mr. Poe.
104
00:06:44,458 --> 00:06:46,917
My screeching iguana clock
does tend to startle some people.
105
00:06:47,000 --> 00:06:49,917
But then, so, of course,
does the screeching iguana.
106
00:06:50,000 --> 00:06:52,292
- I think I'll see myself out.
- Capital idea.
107
00:06:52,375 --> 00:06:53,708
Bye, Mr. Poe.
108
00:06:54,542 --> 00:06:55,750
Bye.
109
00:06:55,833 --> 00:06:57,000
Goodbye, children.
Remember you can reach me
110
00:06:57,083 --> 00:06:59,375
at Mulctuary Money Management
if you need me for anything.
111
00:06:59,458 --> 00:07:00,750
Just don't forget to call...
112
00:07:02,583 --> 00:07:05,500
I'm terribly sorry
if I was rude to him, children,
113
00:07:05,583 --> 00:07:09,667
but, frankly, that man ruffles my scales.
114
00:07:09,750 --> 00:07:12,167
"Unpleasantness with Count Olaf," he says,
115
00:07:12,250 --> 00:07:16,958
when Mr. Poe is the very reason you were
put with Count Olaf in the first place.
116
00:07:17,542 --> 00:07:21,500
Well, not to worry.
You're finally safe now, children,
117
00:07:21,583 --> 00:07:22,958
just as your parents wanted.
118
00:07:23,042 --> 00:07:24,667
Actually, Dr. Montgomery...
119
00:07:24,750 --> 00:07:26,542
- Monty.
- Monty...
120
00:07:26,625 --> 00:07:29,875
Uncle Monty, I hope,
once you get used to me.
121
00:07:29,958 --> 00:07:32,750
Monty, our parents never mentioned you.
122
00:07:32,833 --> 00:07:34,125
Really?
123
00:07:34,208 --> 00:07:35,750
Really.
124
00:07:35,833 --> 00:07:37,917
Dr. Montgomery Montgomery?
125
00:07:39,375 --> 00:07:41,375
Renowned scientist?
126
00:07:43,292 --> 00:07:44,833
Herpetologist?
127
00:07:45,625 --> 00:07:46,833
Hmm.
128
00:07:47,917 --> 00:07:49,458
That is astonishing.
129
00:07:51,000 --> 00:07:54,958
Follow me. Now, your parents and I
practically grew up together.
130
00:07:55,042 --> 00:07:57,583
I can't believe your parents
never told you about me.
131
00:07:58,208 --> 00:08:00,833
I loved them dearly.
Look, here's a picture of us.
132
00:08:01,792 --> 00:08:04,750
- There's no one in that picture.
- We're locked inside the piano.
133
00:08:05,625 --> 00:08:07,417
Ah, we were so young.
134
00:08:07,500 --> 00:08:11,417
Well, it seems that
some proper introductions need to be made.
135
00:08:11,500 --> 00:08:13,708
Do you know what "herpetology" means?
136
00:08:14,375 --> 00:08:16,333
Well, "ology" always means
"the study of... "
137
00:08:16,417 --> 00:08:19,708
Snakes. Snakes, snakes, snakes.
That's what I study.
138
00:08:19,792 --> 00:08:24,000
I circle the globe in search
of a creature who can encircle a globe.
139
00:08:24,083 --> 00:08:25,625
Oh, don't worry about your dishes.
140
00:08:25,708 --> 00:08:28,042
Just leave them anywhere.
Gustav will wash them up.
141
00:08:28,125 --> 00:08:30,958
Uh... Gustav!
142
00:08:31,042 --> 00:08:32,708
Oh, drat.
143
00:08:32,792 --> 00:08:33,750
What?
144
00:08:34,208 --> 00:08:36,250
I forgot all about Gustav.
145
00:08:37,000 --> 00:08:39,333
He was my assistant for many years,
146
00:08:39,417 --> 00:08:43,917
then he left me a quite unexpected letter
of resignation just yesterday morning.
147
00:08:44,000 --> 00:08:47,583
Quite surprising, really.
Well, no matter what.
148
00:08:47,667 --> 00:08:51,792
Who needs an assistant when I have
three charming Baudelaire bambinis
149
00:08:51,875 --> 00:08:53,833
to help me with my research?
150
00:08:53,917 --> 00:08:55,208
Bambini?
151
00:08:55,292 --> 00:08:57,167
Bambini. It's Italian for "children."
152
00:08:57,250 --> 00:08:58,958
Why, I'm so giddy having you here
153
00:08:59,042 --> 00:09:01,750
that I might as well be talking gibberish.
154
00:09:01,833 --> 00:09:03,500
Now, Baudelaires,
155
00:09:03,583 --> 00:09:07,083
I am about to show you one of the
most important scientific collections
156
00:09:07,167 --> 00:09:08,458
in the history of the world.
157
00:09:08,542 --> 00:09:11,167
Spies and rivals
in the world of herpetology
158
00:09:11,250 --> 00:09:12,875
would eat nine garter snakes
159
00:09:12,958 --> 00:09:15,833
to get a glimpse of the wonders
inside this room.
160
00:09:15,917 --> 00:09:20,667
This door has been installed
with top-of-the-line security system.
161
00:09:22,542 --> 00:09:26,125
You can't get inside unless you have
19 keys, three combinations,
162
00:09:26,208 --> 00:09:28,583
two fingerprints and one optical scan.
163
00:09:28,667 --> 00:09:33,000
Or, as I share
with my most trusted associates...
164
00:09:33,083 --> 00:09:35,750
by turning this doorknob...
165
00:09:36,667 --> 00:09:37,667
right here.
166
00:09:42,167 --> 00:09:44,667
This is the Reptile Room.
167
00:09:45,292 --> 00:09:46,583
Feel free to explore.
168
00:09:47,333 --> 00:09:48,958
Here is the lizard wing...
169
00:09:50,125 --> 00:09:53,958
and here... is a winged lizard.
170
00:09:54,042 --> 00:09:59,458
Now, see his yellow-striped belly,
a sign of camouflage and cowardice.
171
00:09:59,542 --> 00:10:00,708
Can it really fly?
172
00:10:00,792 --> 00:10:02,167
He can fly on cue.
173
00:10:02,250 --> 00:10:03,542
Fly!
174
00:10:16,208 --> 00:10:20,125
And here...
we have the dissonant tortoises,
175
00:10:20,208 --> 00:10:25,042
soothed only by the music of
Alexander Scriabin or early Sonic Youth.
176
00:10:26,542 --> 00:10:30,208
This, my dears,
is my most recent discovery.
177
00:10:30,292 --> 00:10:33,250
The crown jewel
of the Montgomery Reptile Collection.
178
00:10:33,333 --> 00:10:37,667
I discovered him on a recent journey
and I brought him under cover of night
179
00:10:37,750 --> 00:10:39,542
and a very large hat.
180
00:10:40,083 --> 00:10:43,167
Because next month,
I am going to present him
181
00:10:43,250 --> 00:10:48,667
to the Herpetological Society
as my new discovery.
182
00:10:52,375 --> 00:10:56,250
I discovered him, so I got to name him.
183
00:10:57,458 --> 00:10:58,708
What is it called?
184
00:10:59,875 --> 00:11:01,458
The incredibly deadly viper.
185
00:11:06,833 --> 00:11:08,875
One thing that I have found is that
186
00:11:08,958 --> 00:11:11,458
when the story of the Baudelaires becomes
too upsetting for me,
187
00:11:11,542 --> 00:11:13,792
when it becomes absolutely overwhelming,
188
00:11:13,875 --> 00:11:16,417
it is useful to stop
for a moment of contemplation,
189
00:11:16,500 --> 00:11:20,292
uh, with a cup of tea
or some other powerful beverage.
190
00:11:20,375 --> 00:11:23,167
However, I can sip my tea
knowing that Sunny Baudelaire
191
00:11:23,250 --> 00:11:25,917
absolutely survives
this particular incident.
192
00:11:26,000 --> 00:11:29,958
It is Dr. Montgomery, however,
who ends up dead, although not yet.
193
00:11:30,042 --> 00:11:32,250
Anyways, apologies for the interruption.
194
00:11:33,333 --> 00:11:34,333
Cheers.
195
00:11:36,500 --> 00:11:37,750
Do something!
196
00:11:37,833 --> 00:11:40,167
- Sunny!
- Get the snake!
197
00:11:40,250 --> 00:11:41,583
- The snake!
- What are you doing?
198
00:11:41,667 --> 00:11:43,250
You let a deadly snake
bite our sister!
199
00:11:43,333 --> 00:11:45,958
- I told you we couldn't trust him.
- You're laughing?
200
00:11:49,417 --> 00:11:51,250
I'm terribly sorry, children.
201
00:11:51,333 --> 00:11:53,750
I'm so sorry. Oh.
202
00:11:54,375 --> 00:11:57,625
But the incredibly deadly viper
is one of the friendliest
203
00:11:57,708 --> 00:12:00,958
and least dangerous animals
in the entire animal kingdom.
204
00:12:01,750 --> 00:12:04,583
Sunny will come to no harm
and neither will you.
205
00:12:05,417 --> 00:12:08,000
But it's called
the incredibly deadly viper.
206
00:12:08,083 --> 00:12:11,458
Yes. It's a misnomer.
Do you know what that means?
207
00:12:11,542 --> 00:12:12,625
"A very wrong name"?
208
00:12:12,708 --> 00:12:15,708
Well, a very fitting definition.
209
00:12:15,792 --> 00:12:18,083
Why would you give your own discovery
the wrong name?
210
00:12:18,167 --> 00:12:22,000
Because... I intend to play a little joke
211
00:12:22,083 --> 00:12:25,250
on those stuffed shirts
at the Herpetological Society.
212
00:12:25,333 --> 00:12:28,833
Payback for years of ridicule.
213
00:12:28,917 --> 00:12:30,542
"Hello, hello, Montgomery Montgomery.
214
00:12:30,625 --> 00:12:33,250
How do you do, how do you do,
Montgomery Montgomery?"
215
00:12:33,333 --> 00:12:35,917
Well, at our next meeting,
216
00:12:36,000 --> 00:12:39,167
I'm going to introduce
the incredibly deadly viper,
217
00:12:39,250 --> 00:12:41,542
and then pretend it's escaped.
218
00:12:41,625 --> 00:12:43,542
And you know who'll be laughing then?
219
00:12:43,625 --> 00:12:44,625
Me.
220
00:12:45,208 --> 00:12:47,833
Are there any snakes in this room
that are dangerous?
221
00:12:47,917 --> 00:12:49,292
Well, of course.
222
00:12:49,375 --> 00:12:53,083
You can't study snakes
and not find some that are dangerous.
223
00:12:53,167 --> 00:12:56,375
I have an entire cabinet
full of venom samples
224
00:12:56,458 --> 00:12:59,125
from some of the most venomous snakes
known to man.
225
00:12:59,208 --> 00:13:00,708
And woman.
226
00:13:02,208 --> 00:13:06,125
Which leads me
to the heart of the operation.
227
00:13:10,917 --> 00:13:12,792
Now, bambini,
228
00:13:12,875 --> 00:13:17,833
this is the most important part
of the Reptile Room:
229
00:13:17,917 --> 00:13:20,000
my scientific library.
230
00:13:20,083 --> 00:13:24,667
The deepest secrets of the snake world
can be found in these pages.
231
00:13:25,375 --> 00:13:26,750
And I hope that you'll find them.
232
00:13:26,833 --> 00:13:29,250
So we're allowed to read all these books?
233
00:13:29,333 --> 00:13:32,625
You are not only allowed,
you are implored to read these books.
234
00:13:33,583 --> 00:13:37,542
You know, I always wanted
to have a family of my own.
235
00:13:39,958 --> 00:13:40,792
But...
236
00:13:42,500 --> 00:13:45,750
time flies like a winged lizard.
237
00:13:47,042 --> 00:13:48,208
Now...
238
00:13:48,292 --> 00:13:52,167
I know... that a few dangerous reptiles
239
00:13:52,250 --> 00:13:55,417
can make you skeptical
of the entire species.
240
00:13:56,625 --> 00:13:59,708
But, if you give them a chance...
241
00:14:02,375 --> 00:14:07,625
and you get to know them well enough
to tell the dangerous from the good...
242
00:14:09,833 --> 00:14:11,583
I promise you...
243
00:14:12,167 --> 00:14:15,083
no harm will come to you
in the Reptile Room.
244
00:14:17,542 --> 00:14:20,000
There is a type of situation
which occurs all too often
245
00:14:20,083 --> 00:14:23,000
in the story of the Baudelaire orphans,
called dramatic irony.
246
00:14:23,083 --> 00:14:26,333
Simply put, dramatic irony is
when a person makes a remark,
247
00:14:26,417 --> 00:14:28,250
and someone who hears it knows something,
248
00:14:28,333 --> 00:14:31,833
which makes the remark have a different,
usually unpleasant, meaning.
249
00:14:31,917 --> 00:14:35,125
Uh, for example, if I were to say,
"I can't wait to eat this almond cookie,"
250
00:14:35,208 --> 00:14:38,042
but there were people around
that knew the almond cookie was poisoned,
251
00:14:38,125 --> 00:14:39,792
that would be dramatic irony.
252
00:14:39,875 --> 00:14:43,083
For that reason, when we hear
Uncle Monty tell the children...
253
00:14:43,167 --> 00:14:46,875
I promise you, no harm
will come to you in the Reptile Room.
254
00:14:46,958 --> 00:14:50,833
we should be on guard for
the unpleasant arrival of dramatic irony.
255
00:14:53,083 --> 00:14:55,417
Woe is me.
256
00:14:59,250 --> 00:15:01,167
Woe is me.
257
00:15:01,250 --> 00:15:04,167
Don't be sad.
Uncle Monty will be down soon.
258
00:15:04,250 --> 00:15:05,625
It can't understand you.
259
00:15:05,708 --> 00:15:08,167
Dr. Montgomery said
the broken-hearted crocodile's mating call
260
00:15:08,250 --> 00:15:10,500
just happens to sound
like depressed human speech.
261
00:15:10,583 --> 00:15:13,292
I know. Just like talking to it.
262
00:15:13,375 --> 00:15:15,833
I wish he'd go back outside.
He's... annoying.
263
00:15:15,917 --> 00:15:18,625
- Woe is me.
- Woe is you?
264
00:15:18,708 --> 00:15:20,417
We're the ones
whose parents perished in a fire
265
00:15:20,500 --> 00:15:22,875
and now we're being passed around
like hot potatoes.
266
00:15:22,958 --> 00:15:25,375
Look, Klaus. It can't understand you.
267
00:15:25,458 --> 00:15:26,917
I know that!
268
00:15:27,708 --> 00:15:28,625
Sorry.
269
00:15:29,208 --> 00:15:31,833
Klaus, I know how you feel.
270
00:15:31,917 --> 00:15:34,083
We're always gonna miss our parents.
271
00:15:34,167 --> 00:15:36,792
But... Monty's been a good guardian so far
272
00:15:36,875 --> 00:15:39,167
and it seems like our parents
really wanted us here.
273
00:15:39,250 --> 00:15:40,958
But that's just it.
274
00:15:41,042 --> 00:15:43,875
Our parents never mentioned
Dr. Montgomery.
275
00:15:43,958 --> 00:15:45,167
Why did we never visit him?
276
00:15:45,250 --> 00:15:47,083
I thought we knew
all our parents' friends.
277
00:15:47,167 --> 00:15:49,083
I thought we knew everything about them.
278
00:15:50,083 --> 00:15:52,875
I'm sure they had a good reason
for not telling us about Monty.
279
00:15:52,958 --> 00:15:56,208
Maybe it was the same reason
they sent us to Briny Beach that day.
280
00:15:56,292 --> 00:15:58,667
Or maybe there was a more sinister reason.
281
00:15:58,750 --> 00:16:02,708
Bambini? Baudelaire bambini!
There you are.
282
00:16:02,792 --> 00:16:04,125
How was your day?
283
00:16:04,208 --> 00:16:07,042
I polished the tortoise
and Sunny fed it some bananas
284
00:16:07,125 --> 00:16:08,667
and Klaus clipped the iguana's nails.
285
00:16:08,750 --> 00:16:11,458
Ah, thank you. I'm so grateful.
286
00:16:11,542 --> 00:16:12,542
Perhaps, when I'm out,
287
00:16:12,625 --> 00:16:15,333
you can lure the androgynous cobra
out of my sock drawer.
288
00:16:15,417 --> 00:16:17,333
- Where are you going?
- Well, I'm gonna go into town
289
00:16:17,417 --> 00:16:19,750
and pick up a few things
that I like to keep in stock.
290
00:16:19,833 --> 00:16:22,667
Wasp repellent, canned peaches,
a fireproof canoe.
291
00:16:22,750 --> 00:16:26,083
And then, tonight,
we'll go and see our first movie.
292
00:16:26,167 --> 00:16:27,750
Won't that be exciting?
293
00:16:27,833 --> 00:16:30,417
- What movie are we seeing?
- Well, we won't know until we get there.
294
00:16:30,500 --> 00:16:33,375
I've never heard of a movie theater that
doesn't tell you what movie is playing.
295
00:16:33,458 --> 00:16:38,292
Klaus Baudelaire,
I have a feeling there are many things
296
00:16:38,375 --> 00:16:41,625
that you're going to see
that you've never heard of before.
297
00:16:41,708 --> 00:16:45,375
Life is a conundrum of esoterica.
298
00:16:45,458 --> 00:16:47,208
Come along, Raymond Ditmars.
299
00:16:48,750 --> 00:16:51,417
There we go. Come along.
300
00:16:51,500 --> 00:16:53,042
Yes.
301
00:16:53,625 --> 00:16:55,875
Now, there we go.
302
00:16:57,333 --> 00:17:01,583
Ta-ta for now.
Come along, come along. Yes.
303
00:17:01,667 --> 00:17:03,125
Yes. That's right.
304
00:17:03,208 --> 00:17:05,583
What did he mean,
"conundrum of esoterica"?
305
00:17:05,667 --> 00:17:08,250
Well, a conundrum is a mystery.
306
00:17:08,333 --> 00:17:12,000
And esoterica are obscure objects
or documents.
307
00:17:12,083 --> 00:17:13,583
Look at this.
308
00:17:13,667 --> 00:17:16,875
This is the original blueprint
for Dr. Montgomery's landscaping.
309
00:17:16,958 --> 00:17:18,833
Those hedges outside make up a labyrinth.
310
00:17:19,500 --> 00:17:22,625
And if you look at the labyrinth
from the top, it's...
311
00:17:22,708 --> 00:17:26,250
It looks like the tattoo
Count Olaf has on his ankle.
312
00:17:26,333 --> 00:17:27,583
It's a mark of villainy.
313
00:17:28,750 --> 00:17:31,125
Monty cannot be
in cahoots with Count Olaf.
314
00:17:32,125 --> 00:17:34,292
He seems too nice.
315
00:17:34,375 --> 00:17:36,375
Things aren't always as they seem.
316
00:17:37,250 --> 00:17:39,417
Something strange is going on here.
317
00:17:40,292 --> 00:17:42,250
Mother and Father told us
all sorts of stories
318
00:17:42,333 --> 00:17:44,417
that happened before we were born.
319
00:17:44,500 --> 00:17:47,875
So why doesn't the name
Montgomery Montgomery ring a bell?
320
00:18:01,292 --> 00:18:02,417
Good morning.
321
00:18:03,458 --> 00:18:07,792
I am Stephano,
Dr. Montgomery Montgomery's new assistant.
322
00:18:07,875 --> 00:18:10,167
It's afternoon. And you're Count Olaf.
323
00:18:10,250 --> 00:18:13,667
Perhaps one of you can take my suitcases
up to my room.
324
00:18:13,750 --> 00:18:17,208
The ride along that smelly road
was dull and unpleasant,
325
00:18:17,292 --> 00:18:19,917
and Stephano is very tired.
326
00:18:20,000 --> 00:18:21,125
You're Count Olaf,
327
00:18:21,208 --> 00:18:24,417
and if anyone ever deserved
to travel along Lousy Lane, it's you.
328
00:18:24,500 --> 00:18:27,958
We will not help you with your luggage
and we will not let you in this house.
329
00:18:35,625 --> 00:18:38,208
Well, I see you children
haven't changed a bit.
330
00:18:38,292 --> 00:18:41,917
Violet, you're obviously
as stubborn as ever.
331
00:18:42,000 --> 00:18:45,125
Klaus, you're still wearing
those idiotic glasses
332
00:18:45,208 --> 00:18:46,792
from reading too many books.
333
00:18:46,875 --> 00:18:51,250
And I can see little Sunny here
still has nine toes instead of ten.
334
00:18:53,042 --> 00:18:54,167
What are you talking about?
335
00:18:54,250 --> 00:18:57,250
My sister has ten toes,
like the vast majority of people.
336
00:18:57,333 --> 00:18:59,250
Really? That's odd.
337
00:18:59,333 --> 00:19:01,958
I could have sworn that she lost
one of her toes in an accident.
338
00:19:02,042 --> 00:19:04,625
I seem to recall a man named Stephano
339
00:19:04,708 --> 00:19:07,375
being so confused
by being called Count Olaf
340
00:19:07,458 --> 00:19:10,708
that he accidentally dropped his knife
on one of her little feet
341
00:19:10,792 --> 00:19:12,833
and severed one of her toes.
342
00:19:14,000 --> 00:19:15,375
You wouldn't dare.
343
00:19:15,458 --> 00:19:19,667
Let's not discuss what I would
or would not dare do.
344
00:19:19,750 --> 00:19:24,792
Instead, let's discuss
your poor, unfortunate parents.
345
00:19:28,042 --> 00:19:30,792
Your father and mother
were very brave in their days.
346
00:19:30,875 --> 00:19:31,917
But...
347
00:19:34,583 --> 00:19:36,917
their days are done, Baudelaires.
348
00:19:37,000 --> 00:19:38,417
That is not a photo of our parents.
349
00:19:39,292 --> 00:19:41,125
Yes, it is. They're inside the piano.
350
00:19:41,208 --> 00:19:42,375
How do you know that?
351
00:19:42,458 --> 00:19:43,750
I took the picture.
352
00:19:44,542 --> 00:19:48,750
And now, all that's left of them
is their enormous fortune,
353
00:19:48,833 --> 00:19:52,042
and that enormous fortune is mine.
354
00:19:52,125 --> 00:19:54,917
- Never.
- Never is a very long time.
355
00:19:55,000 --> 00:19:57,875
And your ridiculous uncle
will be back in a few seconds.
356
00:19:59,833 --> 00:20:01,417
Go!
357
00:20:03,083 --> 00:20:04,375
Run!
358
00:20:17,708 --> 00:20:18,708
Blast!
359
00:20:19,667 --> 00:20:21,208
Furnaces of hell!
360
00:20:23,292 --> 00:20:25,000
Baudelaires!
361
00:20:26,875 --> 00:20:28,375
Baudelaires!
362
00:20:28,458 --> 00:20:31,708
I've brought you a present.
363
00:20:31,792 --> 00:20:32,833
It's very sharp.
364
00:20:32,917 --> 00:20:35,167
- How did he find us?
- That's the wrong question.
365
00:20:35,250 --> 00:20:36,875
- What do we do?
- Open this door!
366
00:20:36,958 --> 00:20:39,417
We can smash a window
and make our way into town
367
00:20:39,500 --> 00:20:40,917
and catch a train far away from here.
368
00:20:41,000 --> 00:20:42,708
And where would we go?
369
00:20:42,792 --> 00:20:43,792
Anywhere but here.
370
00:20:43,875 --> 00:20:46,500
If Count Olaf found us here,
he could find us wherever we went.
371
00:20:46,583 --> 00:20:48,042
Open this door!
372
00:20:49,417 --> 00:20:52,333
We can't just stay here and wait for him
to burst in and slaughter us.
373
00:20:53,542 --> 00:20:57,083
He wouldn't do that. He wouldn't hurt us
till he gets his hands on our fortune.
374
00:20:57,167 --> 00:20:59,833
He must have some scheme.
I just don't know what it could be.
375
00:20:59,917 --> 00:21:01,583
We should never have let him in the house.
376
00:21:01,667 --> 00:21:03,542
- We can't think about that now.
- Open the door!
377
00:21:03,625 --> 00:21:05,583
For years afterwards,
the Baudelaires wondered
378
00:21:05,667 --> 00:21:09,417
what they might have done differently
the day Count Olaf appeared at their door.
379
00:21:09,500 --> 00:21:11,125
Maybe, they thought, just maybe,
380
00:21:11,208 --> 00:21:13,333
they could've saved Monty's life.
381
00:21:13,417 --> 00:21:15,167
- Monty's back.
- Hello!
382
00:21:15,292 --> 00:21:18,542
He'll see right through
Stephano's disguise... won't he?
383
00:21:18,625 --> 00:21:21,917
My name is Stephano.
I have been sent from very far away.
384
00:21:22,000 --> 00:21:25,417
Well, that is an unusual
and long-winded explanation.
385
00:21:25,500 --> 00:21:26,583
Thank you.
386
00:21:26,667 --> 00:21:28,250
Uh... so let me understand this.
387
00:21:28,333 --> 00:21:31,958
You are my new assistant, sent to me
even though I didn't ask for one,
388
00:21:32,042 --> 00:21:35,125
by the Scientific Society Seeking
to Soothe Stress and Suffering.
389
00:21:35,208 --> 00:21:36,208
Yes.
390
00:21:36,792 --> 00:21:39,333
"SSSSSS" for short.
391
00:21:39,417 --> 00:21:42,208
- "SSSSSS."
- Mmm...
392
00:21:42,292 --> 00:21:46,750
No. It's "SSSSSS."
393
00:21:46,833 --> 00:21:49,667
"SSSSSS."
394
00:21:49,750 --> 00:21:50,958
No.
395
00:21:51,042 --> 00:21:55,250
Listen to... "SSSSSS."
396
00:21:55,333 --> 00:22:01,000
Ah, yeah, uh... "SSSSSS."
397
00:22:01,083 --> 00:22:02,458
- Yes.
- Ah...
398
00:22:03,458 --> 00:22:05,667
And your name is Stephano?
399
00:22:05,750 --> 00:22:08,208
What? Yes. Yes. Definitely.
400
00:22:08,292 --> 00:22:10,333
Ah! And these are your papers.
401
00:22:10,417 --> 00:22:11,583
Yes.
402
00:22:13,542 --> 00:22:15,542
"Stephano... SSSSSS"
403
00:22:15,625 --> 00:22:17,167
Hmm.
404
00:22:17,250 --> 00:22:19,208
Well, seems everything is settled, then.
405
00:22:20,125 --> 00:22:22,750
- Really?
- Yes. Welcome.
406
00:22:22,833 --> 00:22:24,958
- Thank you.
- Come inside.
407
00:22:32,708 --> 00:22:34,792
Come in, come in.
408
00:22:34,875 --> 00:22:38,042
Welcome to my home... um...
409
00:22:38,958 --> 00:22:40,667
uh...
410
00:22:40,750 --> 00:22:41,833
Uh...
411
00:22:41,917 --> 00:22:42,917
- Stephano!
- Stephano!
412
00:22:43,000 --> 00:22:44,083
Stephano. Yes.
413
00:22:44,167 --> 00:22:45,750
Well, there's a spare room upstairs.
414
00:22:45,833 --> 00:22:48,583
It's small, but like I said, I have
three young children living with me,
415
00:22:48,667 --> 00:22:50,833
- so living quarters are quite tight.
- Not for long.
416
00:22:50,917 --> 00:22:53,333
I mean, I don't mind.
417
00:22:53,417 --> 00:22:54,625
Ah.
418
00:22:54,708 --> 00:22:57,375
Well, why don't you go upstairs
and get yourself settled?
419
00:22:57,458 --> 00:23:01,458
And I will go and find the children,
who you say have...
420
00:23:01,542 --> 00:23:03,292
hidden themselves in the Reptile Room
421
00:23:03,375 --> 00:23:07,167
because you chased them
up and down the staircase with a knife.
422
00:23:07,250 --> 00:23:08,833
A simple misunderstanding.
423
00:23:08,917 --> 00:23:11,667
Yes. Well, I'm sure
they'll be glad to hear that.
424
00:23:12,333 --> 00:23:14,375
Are those suitcases alligator skin?
425
00:23:14,875 --> 00:23:16,417
I really love reptiles.
426
00:23:20,833 --> 00:23:23,792
Hmm. Baudelaires?
427
00:23:25,250 --> 00:23:27,500
- Is that you, Dr. Montgomery?
- Yes!
428
00:23:27,583 --> 00:23:31,042
Uh, let me just unlock
all these important security measures
429
00:23:31,125 --> 00:23:33,750
and I'll join you in the Reptile Room!
430
00:23:49,750 --> 00:23:51,125
Retinal scan one.
431
00:23:52,750 --> 00:23:54,500
Retinal scan two.
432
00:24:02,250 --> 00:24:04,167
I am so sorry, Baudelaires,
433
00:24:04,250 --> 00:24:08,625
that you were frightened
by that man who arrived earlier.
434
00:24:08,708 --> 00:24:11,500
Um, it makes sense that you were alarmed,
435
00:24:11,583 --> 00:24:15,875
being that he chased you
up and down the stairs with a knife.
436
00:24:15,958 --> 00:24:17,750
But there's nothing to fear.
437
00:24:17,833 --> 00:24:20,458
He is my new assistant, Stephano.
438
00:24:21,250 --> 00:24:25,708
I have seen his papers
and everything is in order.
439
00:24:27,292 --> 00:24:31,000
So, you see,
there's nothing to be worried about.
440
00:24:31,958 --> 00:24:34,958
Oh, yes... I see now.
441
00:24:35,042 --> 00:24:38,625
How silly we were to be afraid.
442
00:24:38,708 --> 00:24:40,542
Precisely, Baudelaires!
443
00:24:40,625 --> 00:24:43,125
Uh, Stephano has explained to me
444
00:24:43,208 --> 00:24:47,708
that he has a very strict fitness regimen,
445
00:24:47,792 --> 00:24:50,917
where he has to run up and down the stairs
brandishing a knife
446
00:24:51,000 --> 00:24:52,958
at least three times a day.
447
00:24:53,042 --> 00:24:56,375
So, that makes perfect sense.
448
00:24:56,458 --> 00:24:59,208
I might join him
on that exercise regimen.
449
00:25:01,458 --> 00:25:03,208
Very good, very good.
450
00:25:03,292 --> 00:25:05,708
So, now that that is cleared up,
451
00:25:05,792 --> 00:25:10,333
would you mind helping me
bring things in from my truck?
452
00:25:13,167 --> 00:25:17,542
I got all my shopping done
and I even brought takeout for dinner.
453
00:25:17,625 --> 00:25:19,833
There should even be enough for Stephano.
454
00:25:19,917 --> 00:25:21,417
Now, we don't have much time
before the movie,
455
00:25:21,500 --> 00:25:23,292
so help me take down this canoe.
456
00:25:29,250 --> 00:25:30,417
Here we go.
457
00:25:30,500 --> 00:25:33,208
I am so sorry, Baudelaires.
458
00:25:33,292 --> 00:25:36,375
I had no idea that our enemies
would catch up to us so quickly.
459
00:25:36,458 --> 00:25:39,333
It's clear now
that I can't turn my back for a second.
460
00:25:39,417 --> 00:25:42,708
- So you recognized him?
- Of course I recognized him.
461
00:25:42,792 --> 00:25:45,917
I'm not some half-witted banker
or some member of a High Court,
462
00:25:46,000 --> 00:25:49,042
who's so starstruck that I can't see
what's right in front of me.
463
00:25:49,125 --> 00:25:51,500
He can wear as many lab coats as he wants,
464
00:25:51,583 --> 00:25:54,375
and present me with
as many ridiculous papers as he wants.
465
00:25:54,458 --> 00:25:58,917
He's no more a lab assistant than
I'm a three-mouth Brazilian waxed turtle.
466
00:25:59,000 --> 00:26:00,208
So what are we gonna do?
467
00:26:00,292 --> 00:26:02,333
- Call the authorities?
- What does H-A spell?
468
00:26:03,583 --> 00:26:06,792
You think when I was climbing Mount Felix
searching for the goat-eating cobra,
469
00:26:06,875 --> 00:26:08,417
that I called the authorities? No.
470
00:26:08,500 --> 00:26:13,208
If we call the police or Mr. Poe
or the official fire department,
471
00:26:13,292 --> 00:26:15,792
that so-called lab assistant
will have us in his clutches
472
00:26:15,875 --> 00:26:18,292
before they can darken my doorstep.
473
00:26:18,375 --> 00:26:23,625
And we all know
Stephano does not work alone.
474
00:26:31,042 --> 00:26:33,292
We must keep an eye on Stephano.
475
00:26:33,375 --> 00:26:34,458
He will join us for dinner
476
00:26:34,542 --> 00:26:36,750
and then we'll invite him
to the movies tonight.
477
00:26:36,833 --> 00:26:40,375
A man that dastardly
must be watched like a hawk.
478
00:26:40,458 --> 00:26:42,292
That's all we're gonna do?
Keep an eye on him?
479
00:26:42,375 --> 00:26:44,208
For now, Baudelaires,
480
00:26:44,292 --> 00:26:47,333
we'll be watchful and wary,
481
00:26:47,417 --> 00:26:50,167
which is a word
that around here means "very careful."
482
00:26:50,250 --> 00:26:52,333
- We know what wary means.
- Good.
483
00:26:52,417 --> 00:26:53,750
Because...
484
00:26:53,833 --> 00:26:56,500
we can't afford to turn our backs,
not even for a second.
485
00:26:58,125 --> 00:26:59,125
Besides...
486
00:27:00,542 --> 00:27:02,250
- Dr. Montgomery.
- Monty!
487
00:27:02,333 --> 00:27:03,500
So sorry.
488
00:27:03,583 --> 00:27:06,917
I seem to have been very careless
with the heavy glass reading lamp
489
00:27:07,000 --> 00:27:08,333
that was in my bedroom
490
00:27:08,417 --> 00:27:11,458
that fell out
right when you were walking under it.
491
00:27:11,542 --> 00:27:13,500
Uh, yeah. Totally understandable.
492
00:27:13,583 --> 00:27:16,042
It... it happens all the time.
493
00:27:16,125 --> 00:27:18,792
Sorry about that.
494
00:27:18,875 --> 00:27:21,500
No harm done.
495
00:27:22,500 --> 00:27:24,333
I know the layout of that room
496
00:27:24,417 --> 00:27:28,000
as well as I know the bone structure
of the osteoporosis lizard,
497
00:27:28,083 --> 00:27:30,542
and there is no way that
that lamp was near that window.
498
00:27:30,625 --> 00:27:31,917
Of course not.
499
00:27:32,000 --> 00:27:34,625
He wasn't being careless.
He was being murderous.
500
00:27:34,708 --> 00:27:38,625
Dr. Montgomery, I really think
we ought to contact the authorities.
501
00:27:41,458 --> 00:27:42,667
Trust me, Baudelaires...
502
00:27:42,750 --> 00:27:45,208
I may be a world-renowned herpetologist,
503
00:27:45,292 --> 00:27:47,708
but I also minored in criminology.
504
00:27:47,792 --> 00:27:50,208
I know what I'm doing.
505
00:27:53,875 --> 00:27:56,708
Now let's eat quickly, everyone.
We don't want to be late for the movies.
506
00:27:56,792 --> 00:27:58,583
I don't think I'll be joining tonight.
507
00:27:58,667 --> 00:28:01,583
I thought I'd stay in
and read up on poisonous venoms.
508
00:28:04,833 --> 00:28:08,042
Well, Stephano, you must join us.
We have to celebrate your arrival.
509
00:28:08,125 --> 00:28:12,000
In all honesty, I prefer
long-form television to the movies.
510
00:28:12,083 --> 00:28:14,750
It's so much more convenient
to consume entertainment
511
00:28:14,833 --> 00:28:16,792
from the comfort of your own home.
512
00:28:18,542 --> 00:28:21,917
Hmm. Well, I insist you come.
513
00:28:22,000 --> 00:28:24,500
I insist upon staying here.
514
00:28:24,583 --> 00:28:26,750
Well, I insisted first.
515
00:28:26,833 --> 00:28:29,250
Well, I insisted... louder!
516
00:28:29,875 --> 00:28:31,417
Well...
517
00:28:31,500 --> 00:28:34,667
with all due respect,
I feel a little uncomfortable
518
00:28:34,750 --> 00:28:38,333
leaving my reptiles alone
with a relative stranger.
519
00:28:39,042 --> 00:28:40,375
Fine.
520
00:28:41,417 --> 00:28:45,292
But I would like to make
a brief phone call before we leave.
521
00:28:45,375 --> 00:28:46,750
Of course.
522
00:28:47,333 --> 00:28:49,208
The phone is in the parlor.
523
00:28:51,250 --> 00:28:54,125
- Could you please pass the pot stickers?
- Yeah.
524
00:29:06,292 --> 00:29:07,583
They're all gone.
525
00:29:18,042 --> 00:29:20,417
Yes, a movie theater.
526
00:29:20,500 --> 00:29:22,458
Where they show movies.
527
00:29:24,042 --> 00:29:25,542
Yes, of course it's more convenient
528
00:29:25,625 --> 00:29:27,125
to watch from the comfort
of your own home,
529
00:29:27,208 --> 00:29:29,042
but I didn't ask for your opinion.
530
00:29:35,917 --> 00:29:37,208
Shotgun.
531
00:29:40,542 --> 00:29:41,833
Thank you.
532
00:29:44,375 --> 00:29:45,875
- Hurry up.
- In you go, Klaus.
533
00:29:45,958 --> 00:29:47,125
Ticktock.
534
00:29:48,208 --> 00:29:49,875
Don't want to miss the previews.
535
00:29:49,958 --> 00:29:51,083
There you go.
536
00:29:51,167 --> 00:29:52,958
And all of the excessive commercials.
537
00:29:53,042 --> 00:29:55,875
Yeah, and then just keep...
Get in. All right.
538
00:29:57,042 --> 00:29:59,583
We don't know what you're up to,
but we will find out.
539
00:29:59,667 --> 00:30:01,250
If anything happens to my sisters or me,
540
00:30:01,333 --> 00:30:03,583
you'll never get your hands
on the Baudelaire fortune.
541
00:30:03,667 --> 00:30:05,500
If I wanted to harm you, orphan,
542
00:30:05,583 --> 00:30:09,208
your blood would be streaming out
of this car like a waterfall.
543
00:30:09,292 --> 00:30:13,417
No, I am not going to harm a hair
on any Baudelaire head.
544
00:30:13,500 --> 00:30:15,500
At least, not on purpose.
545
00:30:16,792 --> 00:30:22,542
But accidents happen all the time,
don't they?
546
00:30:24,958 --> 00:30:27,417
And that is when I said to him,
547
00:30:27,500 --> 00:30:31,417
"The frog is the greatest reptile
known to man."
548
00:30:31,500 --> 00:30:33,458
- Frogs are amphibians.
- What?
549
00:30:33,542 --> 00:30:35,833
Stephano, where did you study herpetology?
550
00:30:35,917 --> 00:30:38,583
I don't know anything about mouth sores.
551
00:30:38,667 --> 00:30:42,167
Oh! I love this song!
552
00:30:47,750 --> 00:30:52,292
I just thought it might be nice
to get out and see a movie.
553
00:30:52,375 --> 00:30:54,792
I need more exciting things in my life.
554
00:30:54,875 --> 00:30:58,833
And I think
it's because my life is boring.
555
00:30:58,917 --> 00:31:01,708
Yes. Uh, well, enjoy the show, ma'am.
556
00:31:02,542 --> 00:31:05,208
- Dr. Montgomery!
- Hello, old chap!
557
00:31:05,292 --> 00:31:07,708
Two adults, three minors.
558
00:31:07,792 --> 00:31:11,167
I'm giving you the Verified Film Discount.
559
00:31:11,250 --> 00:31:12,917
Ah, lovely.
560
00:31:15,000 --> 00:31:18,125
I decided to treat myself to some popcorn
561
00:31:18,208 --> 00:31:22,042
because there is nothing exciting
happening in my life at all.
562
00:31:22,125 --> 00:31:25,333
Hey...
Some popcorn actually sound delicious.
563
00:31:25,417 --> 00:31:28,625
I get popcorn for me, for all of us.
My treat.
564
00:31:28,708 --> 00:31:31,042
- Really?
- Yes, you go. Go take a seat.
565
00:31:31,125 --> 00:31:32,250
Come on, children.
566
00:31:32,333 --> 00:31:33,708
Go, go. Go, go.
567
00:31:36,917 --> 00:31:40,583
Seventh row, right of center,
that is the best place.
568
00:31:40,667 --> 00:31:42,250
That's what our mother always said.
569
00:31:42,333 --> 00:31:44,625
Who do you think taught it to me?
570
00:31:44,708 --> 00:31:49,458
You know, kids, I am so happy
to be seeing a movie with you.
571
00:31:49,542 --> 00:31:52,667
Your parents would be so very proud.
I know they would.
572
00:31:52,750 --> 00:31:54,000
For seeing a movie?
573
00:31:54,083 --> 00:31:57,042
There's more to a movie than just a movie.
574
00:31:57,125 --> 00:32:01,833
Just like a book can contain
crucial secrets about the world of snakes,
575
00:32:01,917 --> 00:32:04,958
or it can be used
to prop open a refrigerator door
576
00:32:05,042 --> 00:32:06,167
when you're airing it out.
577
00:32:07,458 --> 00:32:10,917
What my sister means is,
we're not sure we're really following you.
578
00:32:11,000 --> 00:32:13,042
Ah, there's so much to learn.
579
00:32:13,958 --> 00:32:17,250
Unfortunately, some of that learning
is going to have to be delayed tonight,
580
00:32:17,333 --> 00:32:18,750
because of you-know-who.
581
00:32:18,833 --> 00:32:20,292
Promise me this...
582
00:32:20,375 --> 00:32:25,750
If I leave during the showing,
you will not act as if anything is amiss,
583
00:32:25,833 --> 00:32:29,750
but you'll keep your eyes
on that fraud Stephano.
584
00:32:30,750 --> 00:32:32,750
- I got the popcorn.
- Ah!
585
00:32:33,417 --> 00:32:37,500
This one is for me,
and this one is for the rest of you.
586
00:32:39,042 --> 00:32:40,208
Oh...
587
00:32:41,250 --> 00:32:43,958
Your generosity is noted, Stephano.
588
00:32:44,042 --> 00:32:48,750
My name is not, uh...
Nothing but Stephano.
589
00:32:48,833 --> 00:32:49,958
Shh.
590
00:33:05,625 --> 00:33:08,292
Ah, Gustav.
591
00:33:12,042 --> 00:33:13,167
Not now.
592
00:33:20,333 --> 00:33:23,125
Subtitles? This movie is boring already.
593
00:33:26,458 --> 00:33:28,292
Come, Gerta.
594
00:33:28,375 --> 00:33:29,958
- Two.
- Today, we honor the founding...
595
00:33:30,042 --> 00:33:31,750
- Six.
- of our sleepy alpine village
596
00:33:31,833 --> 00:33:33,583
with the traditional building of a snowman
597
00:33:33,667 --> 00:33:35,292
- Four.
- in the village square.
598
00:33:35,375 --> 00:33:37,417
Traditions are important, Rolf.
599
00:33:38,917 --> 00:33:42,333
If the movie's in English,
why are there English subtitles?
600
00:33:42,417 --> 00:33:44,792
All the best movies have subtitles.
601
00:33:46,333 --> 00:33:47,875
But that still doesn't explain...
602
00:33:47,958 --> 00:33:49,208
- Shh.
- Shh!
603
00:33:49,292 --> 00:33:51,625
I'm watching the movie!
604
00:33:52,625 --> 00:33:55,375
No! Where is your conscience?
605
00:33:55,458 --> 00:33:59,667
Klaus, haven't we seen
that actress before?
606
00:33:59,750 --> 00:34:01,750
I don't think we've seen
anything like this before.
607
00:34:01,833 --> 00:34:03,417
Sing about it!
608
00:34:07,458 --> 00:34:10,542
They'll eat your feet
They'll eat your feet
609
00:34:10,625 --> 00:34:14,125
They'll munch on your head
They'll munch on your head
610
00:34:14,208 --> 00:34:17,500
You're a tasty treat
You're a tasty treat
611
00:34:17,583 --> 00:34:19,792
For the walking dead
612
00:34:25,500 --> 00:34:28,458
The sturdy oak barrier!
They've broken through it!
613
00:34:29,875 --> 00:34:32,875
Gerta... don't let them take the children!
614
00:34:49,000 --> 00:34:51,125
- Onward. To the safe house.
- Hmm.
615
00:34:51,208 --> 00:34:55,083
Don't shed tears, sweet Gerta.
616
00:34:55,167 --> 00:34:56,708
I promise this isn't goodbye.
617
00:34:57,500 --> 00:35:00,292
No one's preparing to die, Rolf.
618
00:35:01,292 --> 00:35:03,083
Put on this warm scarf...
619
00:35:08,042 --> 00:35:11,208
Oh, I need to get more popcorn.
620
00:35:16,625 --> 00:35:18,458
And your poor mother's tutu.
621
00:35:20,542 --> 00:35:22,083
- Should I go this way?
- No, no, no.
622
00:35:22,167 --> 00:35:24,333
- Just go that way.
- You're blocking the screen!
623
00:35:24,417 --> 00:35:25,500
- Is it better to go this way?
- Sit down!
624
00:35:25,583 --> 00:35:26,958
- No. Go that way.
- I can go this way.
625
00:35:27,042 --> 00:35:28,708
- You're blocking the screen!
- I'm all right...
626
00:35:28,792 --> 00:35:30,042
- I'll go here.
- Go that way.
627
00:35:30,125 --> 00:35:31,333
- That way? Aye, no.
- Yes.
628
00:35:31,417 --> 00:35:33,000
I feel like your elbow tell me
629
00:35:33,083 --> 00:35:34,667
- and your hand, your finger...
- That way.
630
00:35:34,750 --> 00:35:37,167
You're blocking the screen!
631
00:35:37,250 --> 00:35:39,042
- I'm sorry.
- I can't see!
632
00:35:39,125 --> 00:35:40,625
I hope you didn't miss anything.
633
00:35:40,708 --> 00:35:43,000
You'll always be in my heart...
634
00:35:44,208 --> 00:35:46,083
and in this snow bank.
635
00:35:47,750 --> 00:35:49,167
Per favore.
636
00:35:50,083 --> 00:35:52,042
- Butter?
- Salt?
637
00:35:52,125 --> 00:35:53,417
I'd thank you...
638
00:35:53,500 --> 00:35:55,000
Ooh.
- for coming on such short notice,
639
00:35:55,083 --> 00:35:57,833
but I'm not in the habit
of coddling my henchpeople.
640
00:35:57,917 --> 00:36:01,500
Due to one overprotective
herpetologist's hysteria
641
00:36:01,583 --> 00:36:04,875
over the safety of his appalling
collection of creatures,
642
00:36:04,958 --> 00:36:07,583
Operation Capture Monty has been relocated
643
00:36:07,667 --> 00:36:11,708
from Monty's home
to this godforsaken nickelodeon.
644
00:36:11,792 --> 00:36:13,375
And just in time.
645
00:36:13,458 --> 00:36:18,292
I think you-know-who
is trying to send a you-know-what.
646
00:36:20,042 --> 00:36:21,042
Hello?
647
00:36:21,792 --> 00:36:23,750
Am I...
648
00:36:23,833 --> 00:36:25,000
A message.
649
00:36:25,083 --> 00:36:26,958
They're trying to send a...
650
00:36:27,042 --> 00:36:29,875
Oh, forget it.
Operation Capture Monty is a go.
651
00:36:29,958 --> 00:36:31,333
Is there anything else I should know?
652
00:36:31,417 --> 00:36:33,250
You look handsome in that beard.
653
00:36:33,333 --> 00:36:35,167
Hmm. I already knew that.
654
00:36:39,458 --> 00:36:41,083
I am zombie.
655
00:36:45,750 --> 00:36:48,708
What did I miss?
Oh, boy, they're still singing.
656
00:36:51,375 --> 00:36:55,542
I am going to need to excuse myself.
657
00:36:55,625 --> 00:36:57,625
- Shh.
- Nature calls.
658
00:36:57,708 --> 00:37:02,375
Stephano, would you be so kind
as to keep an eye on the children?
659
00:37:11,750 --> 00:37:14,250
Wait, Dr. Montgomery said
to keep an eye on us.
660
00:37:14,333 --> 00:37:16,167
We're too young
to be left in a theater alone.
661
00:37:16,250 --> 00:37:17,250
Down in front.
662
00:37:20,583 --> 00:37:22,833
Get out of the way!
663
00:37:30,833 --> 00:37:34,250
- Pictures today. So violent.
- Mmm-hmm.
664
00:37:34,333 --> 00:37:37,042
Mother always said
we'd catch a man at the movies.
665
00:37:37,125 --> 00:37:38,250
Uh-huh.
666
00:37:39,167 --> 00:37:43,667
Surely nothing can spoil
this happy and festive occasion.
667
00:37:43,792 --> 00:37:47,542
There are hundreds of zombies
coming down from those snow banks!
668
00:37:47,625 --> 00:37:50,667
- They'll munch on your head
- What? What's going on?
669
00:37:55,208 --> 00:37:57,333
And your poor mother's tutu.
670
00:37:57,417 --> 00:38:01,083
We've already seen this part!
671
00:38:02,792 --> 00:38:04,708
And in this snow bank...
672
00:38:06,750 --> 00:38:08,917
Well, that is where I shall bury you.
673
00:38:10,542 --> 00:38:12,792
This would be much easier with a shovel.
674
00:38:14,125 --> 00:38:16,125
How can we overcome our differences...
675
00:38:16,208 --> 00:38:17,625
Quick splicing, old friend.
676
00:38:18,625 --> 00:38:20,792
Things must be worse than we thought.
677
00:38:21,458 --> 00:38:25,083
I need four tickets
on the SS Prospero to Peru.
678
00:38:25,167 --> 00:38:29,833
Meet me at the ticket booth.
I sell all kinds of tickets.
679
00:38:36,375 --> 00:38:39,375
- Well, wish me luck, old friend.
- Good luck, Dr. Montgomery.
680
00:38:41,375 --> 00:38:44,875
And a one and a two
and a chicka-booma-chick.
681
00:38:48,250 --> 00:38:51,333
The Baudelaires did not wanna
turn their backs on Count Olaf,
682
00:38:51,417 --> 00:38:55,000
so they did not see what happened
in the back of that dark theater.
683
00:38:59,833 --> 00:39:01,542
But, of course,
there was much more going on
684
00:39:01,625 --> 00:39:04,583
that the Baudelaire orphans
were not aware of.
685
00:39:04,667 --> 00:39:07,250
Ah, well, that was a narrow escape
686
00:39:07,333 --> 00:39:11,333
full of incredible twists and
astonishing acrobatics. Can you walk?
687
00:39:11,417 --> 00:39:12,458
Better than I can waltz.
688
00:39:12,542 --> 00:39:15,500
If we're lucky,
we'll be with the children by bedtime.
689
00:39:15,583 --> 00:39:17,167
Any idea where this tunnel lets out?
690
00:39:17,250 --> 00:39:20,333
I'd say judging by the barometric pressure
and watery winds,
691
00:39:20,417 --> 00:39:22,042
somewhere south of Winnipeg.
692
00:39:34,583 --> 00:39:35,917
Peru.
693
00:39:36,500 --> 00:39:38,625
Like I said. South of Winnipeg.
694
00:39:54,792 --> 00:39:56,375
Terrible ending.
695
00:39:56,458 --> 00:40:00,000
The villagers should have been eaten,
like in Citizen Kane.
696
00:40:02,708 --> 00:40:04,167
Monty never came back.
697
00:40:08,625 --> 00:40:09,833
- Monty!
- Monty?
698
00:40:09,917 --> 00:40:12,500
What's this?
Your guardian has disappeared?
699
00:40:12,583 --> 00:40:14,167
Dear me, dear me.
700
00:40:16,167 --> 00:40:18,000
Ah, this is just terrible.
701
00:40:18,083 --> 00:40:20,542
Three helpless children
all alone in the world.
702
00:40:20,625 --> 00:40:22,625
Whatever shall we do next?
703
00:40:23,542 --> 00:40:25,250
Drive home, of course.
704
00:40:25,333 --> 00:40:27,083
- Monty!
- You're here.
705
00:40:27,167 --> 00:40:28,333
Hello, children.
706
00:40:28,417 --> 00:40:31,958
It's been a long night and
we have a very busy day tomorrow.
707
00:40:32,042 --> 00:40:34,500
- Did you enjoy the movie?
- It was unusual.
708
00:40:34,583 --> 00:40:36,750
Uh, it will require
some further explanation.
709
00:40:37,750 --> 00:40:39,333
Wait in the car, Baudelaires.
710
00:40:39,417 --> 00:40:42,417
I have some unfinished business
with Stephano.
711
00:40:44,917 --> 00:40:46,458
- Will you be okay?
- Of course.
712
00:40:46,542 --> 00:40:47,875
I am your guardian.
713
00:40:47,958 --> 00:40:49,292
It is my job...
714
00:40:49,375 --> 00:40:54,958
and my delight, might I add,
to keep you safe.
715
00:40:55,042 --> 00:40:56,125
Run along.
716
00:41:01,792 --> 00:41:04,333
Arrive... chechem.
717
00:41:06,000 --> 00:41:09,042
Do you think
you can just waltz into my life,
718
00:41:09,125 --> 00:41:12,750
and the life of my children,
and perpetuate this treachery?
719
00:41:12,833 --> 00:41:15,708
You're a wretched person
720
00:41:15,792 --> 00:41:20,083
and a bad actor, Stephano,
721
00:41:20,167 --> 00:41:21,875
or whatever your real name is.
722
00:41:21,958 --> 00:41:23,417
You don't know my real name?
723
00:41:23,500 --> 00:41:26,625
I don't need to know your real name.
724
00:41:26,708 --> 00:41:28,333
Because you...
725
00:41:28,417 --> 00:41:32,875
are a spy from the Herpetological Society.
726
00:41:32,958 --> 00:41:34,042
What?
727
00:41:34,125 --> 00:41:35,708
Can you hear what they're saying?
728
00:41:35,792 --> 00:41:39,083
I hope he's telling Count Olaf
that his plot is foiled and he's done for.
729
00:41:39,167 --> 00:41:42,167
You're done for, Stephano.
730
00:41:42,250 --> 00:41:46,792
Well, what can I say,
Montgomery Montgomery?
731
00:41:46,875 --> 00:41:51,000
You have found out my secret identity.
There's no doubt about it.
732
00:41:51,083 --> 00:41:52,875
I've been outsmarted.
733
00:41:52,958 --> 00:41:55,542
Yes. You have.
734
00:41:55,625 --> 00:42:01,333
Now be gone.
You and your... pale-face twins.
735
00:42:01,417 --> 00:42:03,917
I said be gone!
736
00:42:07,167 --> 00:42:11,042
Hang your head in shame,
herpeta-loser.
737
00:42:19,708 --> 00:42:21,958
- He's tougher than he looks.
- Even tougher than two old ladies.
738
00:42:22,583 --> 00:42:23,875
Really?
739
00:42:27,000 --> 00:42:30,583
Well, Baudelaires, that terrible man
will never bother us again.
740
00:42:31,500 --> 00:42:32,958
- You mean...
- That's right.
741
00:42:33,042 --> 00:42:36,042
I confronted him
and threw him out of our lives forever.
742
00:42:36,125 --> 00:42:38,583
The authorities are on their way.
743
00:42:38,667 --> 00:42:41,625
And we're just leaving him there?
In the parking lot?
744
00:42:41,708 --> 00:42:45,792
Under the watchful eye
of a very capable ticket seller.
745
00:42:45,875 --> 00:42:48,000
Besides, if he does slip away...
746
00:42:48,083 --> 00:42:49,250
Again.
747
00:42:49,333 --> 00:42:53,458
Well, it's none of our concern.
We will be far, far away from here.
748
00:42:53,542 --> 00:42:58,708
Baudelaires, we are not going to spend
the season in a research laboratory.
749
00:42:58,792 --> 00:43:01,792
We are off to Peru.
750
00:43:01,875 --> 00:43:03,792
- Peru?
- It's a wonderful country,
751
00:43:03,875 --> 00:43:06,000
full of natural and slithering beauty.
752
00:43:06,083 --> 00:43:08,875
And what's more important, answers.
753
00:43:08,958 --> 00:43:12,083
You must have oodles of questions
after that movie.
754
00:43:12,167 --> 00:43:14,250
If my parents hadn't taught me
about this when I was your age,
755
00:43:14,333 --> 00:43:16,875
my head would be dizzy with confusion.
756
00:43:16,958 --> 00:43:22,542
Well, once we disembark in Chimbote,
you will have all the answers you need.
757
00:43:22,625 --> 00:43:25,292
What do you say, Baudelaires?
Are you in?
758
00:43:25,875 --> 00:43:27,208
We're in, Monty.
759
00:43:27,292 --> 00:43:29,792
Well, it's a good thing I stocked up
on peaches and canoes.
760
00:43:29,875 --> 00:43:33,208
You never know when you might need
to leave the country in a moment's notice.
761
00:43:35,000 --> 00:43:38,000
Life is a conundrum of esoterica.
762
00:43:38,083 --> 00:43:40,917
Well said, Klaus Baudelaire.
Well said.
763
00:43:41,917 --> 00:43:45,250
Then we travel inward to Ollantaytambo
764
00:43:45,333 --> 00:43:48,292
in search of some geckos
who have an extra leg.
765
00:43:48,375 --> 00:43:50,125
First one to find one gets to name it.
766
00:43:50,208 --> 00:43:51,917
- Sounds wonderful.
- Doesn't it?
767
00:43:52,917 --> 00:43:57,417
Listen, children. I know that the loss
of your parents was a great tragedy.
768
00:43:58,250 --> 00:44:01,583
But you can still have the life
they wanted for you.
769
00:44:02,542 --> 00:44:07,500
But now, it is time for bed. Yes.
770
00:44:07,583 --> 00:44:11,333
We have a squidillion things
to do tomorrow and a boat to catch.
771
00:44:11,417 --> 00:44:14,333
Oh, Sunny, it seems that
you finished all of your marshmallows.
772
00:44:16,333 --> 00:44:17,833
What my sister means...
773
00:44:17,917 --> 00:44:19,625
I know what your sister means, Violet.
774
00:44:19,708 --> 00:44:23,417
It seems we finally found a soft food
that you like after all.
775
00:44:30,458 --> 00:44:32,917
More on that tomorrow.
776
00:44:34,125 --> 00:44:36,792
- Good night, bambini.
- Good night.
777
00:44:39,000 --> 00:44:40,750
Good night, Uncle Monty.
778
00:44:45,458 --> 00:44:49,750
Sweet dreams. And tomorrow... Peru.
779
00:45:16,208 --> 00:45:18,208
I'm sorry to say this was the last time
780
00:45:18,292 --> 00:45:22,292
the screeching iguana clock would strike
before the arrival of dramatic irony.
781
00:45:22,375 --> 00:45:24,292
But as Dr. Montgomery had promised,
782
00:45:24,375 --> 00:45:27,667
no harm would come to the Baudelaire
orphans in the Reptile Room.
783
00:45:33,125 --> 00:45:36,833
But I regret to say that great harm
would come to Uncle Monty.
62423
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