Original subtitles

Everything starts somewhere...

...although many physicists disagree.

There is the constant desire to find out where.

Where is the point where it all began?

But much, much later than that,

the Discworld was formed.

Drifting onwards through space

atop four elephants on the shell of a giant turtle,

the great A'Tuin.

It was some time after its creation

when most people forgot that the very oldest stories of the beginning

are, sooner or later, about blood.

At least, that's one theory.

The philosopher Didactylos has suggested an alternative hypothesis.

"Things just happen. What the hell?"

Our story began in Ankh-Morpork,

the twin city of proud Ankh and pestilent Morpork,

the biggest city in Discworld,

a city where magic is just another job

and where the Tower of Art of the Unseen University for Wizards

looms over all the dark, narrow streets below.

Our story continues in the middle of the night before Hogswatch,

a midwinter festival, which, for some reason,

bears a remarkable similarity to your Christmas,

that now takes us to the Tooth Fairy's castle,

where magic has made children's teeth perilously powerful,

so that our story is much sooner rather than later

about blood.

Mr Teatime!

There you are. I've unlocked it.

And Banjo's opened it.

I'm not telling you anything. Who are you, anyway?

I'm glad you asked. I'm your worst nightmare.

Oh. You mean the one with the giant cabbage

and the, kind of, whirling-knife thing?

Sorry, no. Not that one.

I'm the one where this man comes out of nowhere

and kills you, stone dead.

Oh, that one. But that's not...

Rather a charitable act there, I feel.

But it is nearly Hogswatch after all.

Bring me the girl.

Odd.

Oh. It's a scythe job, then.

They took the teeth. All of them.

They just walked in

and they... they... No! Wait! Wait! Wait!

- Where did he come from? - A place I cannot go.

Well, even if you could go there,

we've got our work cut out here keeping the Hogfather's seat warm.

If what's happening in the Tooth Fairy's castle isn't stopped,

then, everything we've been doing is a waste of time.

And if they get to the Tooth Fairy,

they will be able to control all human belief.

Unless Susan gets there first.

Yes, well, it's coming along well. Very impressive. Well done.

- I need your help, Mr Ridcully. - You... You're...

Yes. The scythe, the cloak, the white horse, the granddaughter.

I need you to wake him up.

His name's Bilious.

He's the Oh God of Hangovers.

Something nasty's happening tonight. I'm hoping he can tell me what it is

but he's got to be able to think straight first.

And you brought him here?

Why are you doing this?

- I mean, I was a bit behind with the teeth, I know... - Is she behind this door?

I don't know. There was nearly $13

- in pillow money owing, I admit. - This her door?

But I signed the form G...

Will you just shut up and answer the question?

I don't know. I've never been here before.

Then your boss probably doesn't realise

how irritating you are.

Come out, come out, wherever you are!

Or Miss Bottler gets it.

It was only a bit of loose change! And I really, I was going to...

10 Scrote...

Have you got the list?

This is really, really stupid.

I think the tradition got started

when everybody had them big chimbleys, master.

Indeed. It's only a mercy it's unlit.

The boy wants a pair of trousers

that he doesn't have to share,

a huge meat pie,

a sugar mouse,

a lot of toys

and a puppy called Scruff.

Aw, how sweet. I shall wipe away a tear.

Cos what he's getting, you see, is this little wooden toy

- and an apple. - But the letter clearly...

I know. It's the socioeconomic factors.

I mean, the world would be in a hell of a mess, wouldn't it,

if everybody got what they asked for?

I gave them what they wanted in the store.

Yeah, well, what good is a god that gives you everything that you want, eh?

- You have me there. - Ah, yeah.

No, it's the hope that's important.

Oh, yes.

It's a big part of belief, is the hope.

I mean, say you give people jam today

and they'll just sit there and eat it, won't they.

But jam tomorrow? Ah, no. That'll keep 'em going forever.

And you mean that because of this,

the poor get poor things and the rich get rich things?

Well, yeah. That's the meaning of Hogswatch, innit, master?

But I'm the Hogfather!

At the moment, I mean.

Well, it makes no difference.

I remember when I was a nipper.

It was one Hogswatch, it was...

...and I had my heart set on this...

...huge model horse in this shop.

It was what I always wanted.

Someone was in there, buying it, and, do you know, just for a second,

I thought it really was going to be for me.

But it wasn't.

I spent hours with me nose pressed up against the window,

till someone heard me calling and unfroze me.

Yes, I would've killed for that horse. But you know what?

I still hung up my stocking on Hogswatch Eve.

And do you know why? Cos I had hope!

Yeah. And the next morning,

our dad had put in my stocking a little wooden horse

that he had carved his very own self.

Ah, and that was worth more

than all the expensive toy horses in the world?

No, cos you're a selfish little bugger when you're only seven.

It's only grown-ups that think like that.

This is wrong.

It is... unfair.

Well, that's life, innit, master, eh?

But I'm not.

This is supposed to be the season to be jolly.

- Hmm. - And other things ending in "olly".

Please.

Just take her out of vocal range.

Mr Brown.

Your big moment.

Break me out the real Tooth Fairy.

Oh, come along, lad.

If you're the Lecturer in Recent Runes,

can't you do something more, well, magical?

Well, Spold's Unstirring Divisor would do it.

You would end up with a large beaker filled with all the nastiness.

It's not difficult at all, if you don't mind the side effects.

Tell me about the side effects.

The main one is that the rest of him

would end up in a somewhat larger beaker.

- Alive? - Well, broadly, yes.

Living tissue, certainly. And definitely sober.

Why don't we just mix up absolutely everything

and see what happens?

It's got to be worth a try.

Ah. Thank you, my dear. A-ha!

Is this going to take much longer? We may not have much time.

Oh, you can't be too careful.

- What's that? - Ssh. Wow-Wow sauce.

The hottest sauce in the universe.

And it'll blow your head clean off.

It's not safe to drink it if the sweat is still condensing on the bottle.

On the other hand, if it is a kill-or-cure remedy,

then, we are, given the possibility that the patient is immortal...

...probably onto a winner.

I wonder if it's gone critical yet.

I don't know.

I wish you fellas would show some backbone.

Careful, Archchancellor!

What you have there may represent pure sobriety.

I'll try it.

You did say he was immortal, didn't you?

- And you mean... he just appeared? - Yes!

He has no memory of existing before appearing at the Hogfather's castle.

You mean, like this fellow?

Don't be ridiculous. Gods and gnomes don't appear en masse for no reason.

Bring me, let's see,

20 pints of lager, some pepper vodka and bottle of coffee liqueur.

I didn't have you sobered up just so you could go on a binge.

- You don't drink. - I don't? Oh. Yeah.

- I need you to help me. - Oh.

I'm afraid I did it, didn't I?

I, erm, I said something to young Stibbons

about drinking and hangovers, didn't I?

You mean you created it just like that?

Oh, I find that very hard to believe, Mustrum.

Good job nobody mentioned the Hair Loss Fairy, then!

I am not losing my hair.

It is just very finely spaced.

Yes, half on your head and half on your hairbrush.

For the last time, I am not...

I wish I knew where that was coming from.

We need a bigger brain for this.

That thinking engine of yours working, Ponder?

Er, Hex is resting, Archchancellor.

Can you hear me in there?

You don't have to shout, Archchancellor.

What is that "ning-ning, ning-ning, ning-ning" noise all about?

It says, "Look at the Dean."

"Look at the... Dean."

Is there a problem?

- Are you the Hair Loss Fairy? - Apparently.

What have you been doing with my hair?

Just a minute. Where exactly were you before I found you in the snow?

Anywhere where drink had been consumed in beastly quantities

sometime previously, you could say.

A-ha...

- So you were an imminent vital force, aye? - Oh, sounds great!

What is that?

So, when we joked about the Hair Loss Fairy,

it suddenly focused on the Dean's head.

You're calling things into being.

I personally have always wondered if there was an Eater of Socks.

You know how there's always one missing?

Ah! To the laundry!

Tell me again who these people are.

Some of the cleverest men in the world.

And I'm sober, am I?

What is that ridiculous thing on your head?

I don't know, sir!

What? What is it? It says here...

"If found, please return to the Tooth Fairy's castle."

Well, thank goodness the Tooth Fairy already exists, hey?

Tooth Fairy?

Oh, you see her around a lot these days. Or them, rather.

It's a sort of franchise operation

to collect children's teeth in exchange for money.

And she has a castle. She sounds great.

Actually, I do remember one thing.

When I appeared at the Hogfather's house,

there was this drunken little fellow in a pointy hat.

I thought it was just the drink talking,

but he did mention something about the...

...permanent end of perpetual servitude for the little helpers

of all fantasy personifications!

Including the Tooth Fairy.

Up, up, up, up, up, up, up. Where did you find this?

Is he alright?

I say,

what is the geographical location of the Tooth Fairy's castle?

- Now I'm feeling normal, can I come with you? - This is not a normal situation.

Look, I think I'd better tell you.

- My grandfather is Death. - Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

Death. You know, death. The robes, the scythe, the white horse, bones.

Death. But at the moment, he's acting rather strange.

I just want to make sure I've got this clear.

You think your grandfather is Death and you think he's acting strange?

Look, Death adopted my mother. He then took on a human apprentice.

They fell in love and I'm the result.

This is fascinating.

Let's just say I picked up a few strange genetic knacks along the way.

- Now, that looks dangerous. - I hope so.

- Wait! I could help you! - Would you be any good in a fight?

Yes, I could be sick on people.

Shoo! Shoo!

Whoa!

- There he is! Watch yourselves! - We have to sort this out.

We can't have creatures popping into existence

just because people are talking about them.

Unhygienic.

So, what is this implied creation, then?

"Humans have always ascribed

random, seasonal, natural or inexplicable actions

to human-shaped entities."

"Such examples are the Hogfather, the Tooth Fairy and Death."

Well, that's all very well, but I'm damn sure there's never been

an Eater of Socks or an Oh God of Hangovers.

I think it works like this.

What we're getting is the personification of forces,

- just like Hex said. - A bit like the Hogfather?

Wa..wa..wa..wa..when you're a kiddie, it's a

it's as good an explanation as any as where presents come from.

But why is it happening now?

"Beliefs causing new creatures to appear."

You could put it like that.

"There's a finite quantity of belief in the universe."

Well, certainly people can only believe in so many things.

"It follows that if a major focus of belief is removed,

there will be spare belief."

Alright, then....

What are people not believing in all of a sudden?

"Out of cheese....... error."

"Melon. Melon. Melon."

"Redo from start."

It's Hogswatch. I suppose the Hogfather is around, isn't he?

I like this job.

Dear, oh, dear, oh, dear.

Excuse me.

Yes. This will show them.

But Poor Little Match Girl dying in the snow

is all part of the spirit of Hogswatch, master.

You see, people hear about it and they say,

"We might be as poor as a disabled banana

and only can afford to eat mud and boots,

but see how much better off we are than the Poor Little Match Girl!"

That makes them happy and grateful for what they have got.

I know what the spirit of Hogswatch is, Albert.

You're not allowed to do that.

The Hogfather can. The Hogfather gives presents.

There's no better present than a future.

That's it. I've had enough of this pixie lark.

I'm waiting for the Hogfather.

I'm in the dark, waiting for the Hogfather.

Me. A believer in natural philosophy.

I can find the square root of 27.4 in my head.

I shouldn't be doing this.

It's not as if I've hung a stocking up.

.... be some point if...

Take her somewhere warm and give her a good dinner.

And I may well be checking up later.

Looks like we've been chosen to do a bit of charity.

Well, I don't call it very charitable,

just dumping someone on people like this.

I dunno. Some people wouldn't know the real meaning of Hogswatch

if it jumped up and clocked 'em in the gob.

No!

This is a child's painting.

Twyla paints like that.

I painted like that.

Grandfather saved some of my draw...

Come on. Let's find the house.

- What house? - There's always a house.

I was told you were the best locksmith in the city.

Yes, but locks don't generally alter themselves

while you're working on them, that's what I'm saying.

Are you the best or not?

No! Not the dark!

Banjo.

I'm getting out of here.

There's something wrong with this place.

I made a big pile.

Do you want to come with me?

It's pretty here.

Mr Sideney.

Would he deliver to apes earlier than to humans?

Interesting point, sir.

Possibly you're referring to my theory

that humans may have descended from apes. A bold hypothesis,

which, if the Grants Committee could just see their way clear

to letting me hire a boat and sail around to the islands...

I just thought he might deliver alphabetically.

Let me see, now.

Who the hell are you?

I'm the Hogfather, of course.

Erm... ho, ho, ho.

You look extremely thin in the face.

I... I'm, er... I'm a bit ill.

Oh.

- Terminally, I would say. - Yeah.

A-ha! It's a false beard.

- No, it's not. - It's got hooks for the ears.

That must've given you a spot of trouble there.

A pillow!

I thought there were seven locks.

Yeah, but they're half magic, half real and half not there.

Then there's parts of 'em don't exist half the time.

And I thought you could open any lock anyone ever made.

Made by humans and most dwarves. I dunno what made these.

You never said anything about magic...

That's a shame.

Then, really, I have no more need of your services.

- You may as well go back home. - What about my money?

Of course. You should get what you deserve.

You must think I was born yesterday, Mr Tea Cup.

I'm leaving, right, with what's coming to me and you ain't stopping me.

Banjo certainly ain't. I knew his old ma in the good old days.

You think you're nasty? You think you're mean?

Ma Lilywhite'd tear your ears off and spit 'em in your eyes.

Cocky little devil.

I remember you when you was little, Banjo.

- I used to sit you on my knees. - Banjo...

There you are.

Where's all these shadows coming from?

It's giving me the creeps! And it's all your fault.

Oh, yeah? So it wasn't you who said, "Wow. $10,000. Count me in!"

Yeah, but I didn't know there was gonna be all this creepy stuff! I wanna go home.

It's like dealing with a child!

Poor guy must have slipped.

Yeah. Slipped.

That's the Tooth Fairy's castle?

- It's teeth. - And I should be scared?

There's nothing that scary about teeth.

Did I say I was scared? I must just be hungover again.

- Oh, no. - They're only teeth.

Oi!

- Surely no one would try to... - What is that?

It's such old magic, it isn't even magic any more.

If you've got a piece of someone's hair, nail clipping or tooth,

you can control them.

Don't tell me someone's...

- What's that shadow? - This place is alive.

And it's protecting itself.

So, what happened to the other fellow?

Well...

...the Hogfather has enemies.

What did he do, miss a chimney?

There's, er, there's people down there, Mr Teatime.

Well, just do away with them.

Well, er, one of them's a girl.

Then, do away with them... politely.

Keep going. Quicker.

It's after me!

Let me out!

- What was that? - It's finding their nightmares.

Let me out! It's after me!

Pull yourself together.

Look around. There's nothing chasing you.

I thought it was the... wardrobe.

What wardrobe?

When I was a kid,

we had this big... wardrobe.

And it had this... this...

On the door, it had this face!

And at night, it...

...whispered things.

Who's that moving up there?

I think they saw us. And if they're tooth fairies,

there's been a really stupid equal-opportunities policy.

Right. You go that way, I'll go this way.

- Why don't we stay together? - What's got into you? Hmm?

This is a children's place. The rules are what children believe.

- Well, that's a relief. - You think so?

It's impossible to die here.

My grandfather doesn't figure in a child's world.

That man who fell down the stairs looked pretty dead to me.

Oh, you die. But not here. You... Let's see. Yes.

You go somewhere else. Away.

- Aren't you Susan? - Yes.

And when you came for Twyla's last tooth, you were so shocked that I could see you.

- Oh, yes, and I saw... - Look, we may not have a lot of time.

Is this... the Tooth Fairy?

A tooth fairy.

Do you... drink at all?

No, I don't.

Not touch alcohol at all?

Never. My dad's very strict about that sort of thing.

Nice castle.

Can we get on? Good. Who brought you here, Violet?

I don't know... Oh, but he's dressed like an assassin!

OK. You two stay here. I'll go find him.

And I'll look after Violet.

That's the fourth lock open.

I commend your expertise. And the others?

Do you know exactly what's in here, Mr Teh-ah-tim-eh?

Logically, if you're the guardian of children's beliefs

and this is your castle

and I come across as securely locked a door as this...

...then, not to thoroughly investigate would...

...lack elegance.

What's that sound?

- What sound? - That sound.

Like old scissors scraping.

Have you ever heard of the Auditors?

Well, I suppose that the Bursar might have done.

Not auditors of money.

Auditors of reality.

They are the civil service of everything.

And they want to get rid of us?

They want humans to be... less creative.

The Hogfather is a symbol of this.

Strange thinking.

They hate the way humans make up stories about the universe.

I can't think why.

And you, why are you doing this job?

Someone must.

It is vitally important.

Before dawn, there must be enough belief in the Hogfather.

- Why? - So that the sun will come up.

I seldom joke.

What sort of godding do you do?

Oh, I'm the, er, I'm the Oh God of Hangovers.

- A god of hangovers? Oh, how awful. - I suppose so.

You're more cut out to be one of those important gods.

- Oh! - What's this, eh? Lovers' Lane?

You leave him alone, you! He's a god!

Dear me! Out of thunderbolts, are we?

Well, you know, I've never killed a g...

What's the matter?

It's just a wardrobe, innit?

I don't want to see! I don't want to see.

Hex was right, Archchancellor.

Hex? Who is Hex?

Erm, he's the biggest thinker in the world.

I would like to meet this Mr Hex.

Quite a large thaumic reading, gentlemen.

I think he got here by magic.

Where did he go?

They say you are the biggest thinker in the world,

but do you also believe?

Extend logically the result of the human race

ceasing to believe in the Hogfather.

Will the sun come up? Answer.

Correct. How may this be prevented?

Answer.

"Regular and consistent belief."

Good. I have a task for you, thinking engine.

Believe in the Hogfather.

Do you believe? Answer.

Do you believe?

Answer!

Good.

Hmm.

Oh, no!

Let me see.

How old are you?

And have you been naughty or nice?

Hello.

Well, well, well. What have we here?

Bone handle. Rather tasteless skull-and-bone decoration.

Death himself's second-favourite weapon.

Am I right?

Oh, my. It must be Hogswatch.

This must mean that you are Susan.

The famous granddaughter.

Nobility. I'd bow,

but I'm afraid you'd do something dreadful.

Yes! Yes!

Left-handed using a wooden pick. It's so simple!

Ah! Mr Teh-ah-tim-eh, I've managed to open the fifth lock. No problem.

They're just based on Woddeley's Occult Sequence.

- How do you know who I am? - Easy.

Twurp's Peerage.

Family motto, non timetis messor.

Your father was well known. Went a long way very fast.

As for your grandfather, honestly,

that motto, "fear not the reaper",

is that good taste?

Course, you don't need to fear him, do you?

Or do you?

I don't know what you're talking about. Who are you, anyway?

I beg your pardon. My name's Teh-ah-tim-eh.

Jonathan Teh-ah-tim-eh at your service.

You mean... like around four o'clock in the afternoon?

No.

I did say... Teh-ah-tim-eh.

Please don't try to break my concentration by annoying me.

- How are you getting on, Mr Sideney? - Oh! Er...

It's just according to Woddeley's Sequence,

number six should be copper and blue-green light.

Do you think your grandfather will try to rescue you?

But now I have his sword.

You see, I wonder...

All fingers and thumbs, Mr Sideney.

Er, I've managed to open the sixth lock, Mr Teh-ah-tim-eh.

Really? But it may not be all-important now.

Thank you, anyway. You've been most helpful.

- Erm... - Yes. You may go.

Is that all you're here for? A robbery, like a petty thief?

A thief?

Me?

I'm not a thief, madam. No.

These gentlemen are thieves.

That's Medium Dave.

And Exhibit B is Banjo.

He can talk.

Oh! Who are you?

I'm incognito.

You look like a wizard to me.

Did you suck your thumb when you were little?

Nope!

- Is that the Scissor Man? - Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up!

Kids believe all kinds of crap, but I'm a grown-up now, so...

No more Hogfather. And that's only the start.

I'll be able to make people believe anything I want.

What's this?

You said, "No more Hogfather."

He does know what we've been doing here, doesn't he?

You did tell him?

There's gotta be a Hogfather. There's always a Hogfather.

- She did it! She killed him. - No, I didn't. He...

- Did! - Didn't.

- Did. - What's this about the Hogfather?

I don't think he's dead, but Teatime has made him very ill.

Who cares? When this is over, Banjo,

you'll have as many presents as you want. Trust me.

There has to be a Hogfather, else there's no Hogswatch.

- It's just another solar festival. - Banjo and me are going.

Banjo, you're coming with me right now.

Grab her, Banjo. It's all her fault.

Our mam said no hitting girls.

No touching them or pulling them hair.

She's not a girl. She's a freak.

I think I know you, Teatime.

You're the mad kid they're all scared of, right?

- Banjo, I said grab her. - Our mam said...

The kid who didn't know the difference

between chucking a stone at a cat and setting it on fire.

I said shut up. Get her, Banjo.

The kind of little boy who looks up dolls' dresses.

- I didn't. - Our mam said...

Ah, to blazes with your mam!

What did you say about our mam?

I bet no one wanted to play with you.

- Not the kid with no friends. - Banjo, you do as I tell you.

Our mam... Our mam...

Our mam said...

Have you been a bad boy, Banjo?

You been letting him get into trouble again, our Davey?

You have, haven't ya?

No, Mam. No, Mam!

You need a good hiding, Banjo.

Sorry! Sorry! Sorry, Mam!

You been playing with girls again?

Sorry! Sorry! Sorry, Mam!

Sorry, Mam! Sorry!

No, Mam. No, Mam!

No!... No!

Oh, no. I don't think so.

This place gets into your head, doesn't it?

It... finds out how to deal with you.

But I'm in touch with my inner child.

It's so much fun.

No pulling girls' hair. That's bad.

I'm gonna have so much fun with this. So light.

You wouldn't dare use it! My grandfather will come after you.

- He comes after everyone. - He's very single-minded.

I'll be ready for him.

It doesn't work here.

There's no death here.

Hi, inner child.

I'm the inner baby-sitter.

Happy Hogswatch!

Is.. is.. he dead?

He's not breathing.

Breathing spell.

Breathing spell.

Spolt's forthright respirator, perhaps.

I think I've got it written down somewhere.

Come on, chaps. Give me some space.

Excuse me... excuse me, but this is vitally important

for the advancement of natural philosophy.

Did you see any bright lights? Was there a shining tunnel?

What is all this, Mr Stibbons? Put the damn quill away.

This must be the Unseen University.

And you're all... wizards.

There was a sword.

Oh, yes. It's, er, fallen on the floor.

Did I do that?

I really must be off.

Well, he won't get far. The main doors are locked,

in accordance with Archchancellor Spold's rules.

- Won't get far? - No!

While holding a sword which appears to be able to cut through anything?

You can get into trouble, hitting girls.

No playing with girls.

What am I gonna do now?

Hello, my dear.

No.

Sorry, dear?

You're not the Tooth Fairy.

Oh, I am, dear.

Oh, Grandma, what big teeth you have.

You've even got a shawl.

Oh, dear.

I don't understand, lovey.

You forgot the rocking chair.

I always thought there'd be a rocking chair.

I don't think you're real.

It's not a little old woman in a shawl running this place.

You're out of my head. That's how you defend yourself.

You poke around in people's heads and find the things that work...

No. It's horrible, but it doesn't frighten me.

I like spiders.

Dogs? No.

I like rats. Rats are fine.

Sorry, is anyone frightened of that?

I... I...

You're a bogeyman, aren't you?

Not a. The!

The first bogeyman.

- You look terrible. - Thank you very much.

I mean ill.

I used to jump out on them and say, "Boo!" Yeah.

But then I got to like 'em.

Only children were frightened of me.

I mean, what's to be scared of?

Horns, bony arms.

But then I discovered that there were much worse things than me

and I wanted to protect the children,

keep them safe from all the really bad things.

So I built all this

to be a safe place.

And the teeth?

If you leave all those teeth around,

- anything could happen. - Anything nearly did.

So, you are the Tooth Fairy, then?

Yes!

I... ah..

Oh...

Then.. they came,

stealing.

I'm too weak to look after them any more.

You don't die here.

Just get old.

Listening to the laughter.

Don't worry about the teeth.

I'll make them safe again.

I think it would be a good idea

if you did the Tooth Fairy's job, Banjo.

Do... Do you think that'd be alright? Won't the Tooth Fairy mind?

You... do it until she comes back.

So.... who's gonna tell me what to do?

No one's ever going to tell you what to do again, Banjo.

Thanks, miss. I'll keep the teeth safe.

- Er, miss? - Yes, Banjo?

Can I have a puppy?

I had a kitten, but our mam drownded it cos it was dirty.

I think it'll turn up quite soon, Banjo.

Thanks, miss.

Billy!

Violet's talked about it and we thought we ought to come back and help.

- It's OK. They're all gone. - Oh.

And Banjo needed a new job.

That's funny. So does Billy.

Look, why don't you two make yourselves useful

and help Banjo clear up this mess?

He's pretty much running the place now.

- Oh, but he's... - He's in charge.

We'd love to help, Banjo. Together.

Good. Have fun. Now I'm going home.

This is a hell of a way to spend Hogswatch.

Grandfather! What are you doing here?

It is not over.

You must bring the Hogfather home.

These look like the mountains where the Castle of Bones was.

They are.

- It's a pig! - A boar.

This boar is the?

Yes. The Hogfather as he began.

- And the dogs. - These are not real dogs.

If they catch him, he won't just die.

He will... never be.

Well, stop them.

This is a human thing.

The Auditors are desperate now.

They're determined to destroy the Hogfather at whatever cost.

You must save him.

Come on. Jump.

Just you try it.

Yes! Who wants some? Anyone else?

Ho, ho, ho.

You couldn't resist it in the end.

A mistake, I fancy.

It gets under your skin, life.

Speaking metaphorically, of course.

And, you see, the more you struggle for every moment,

the more alive you stay.

Which is where I come in, as a matter of fact.

You can't do this. There are rules.

Yes, there are rules.

But you broke them.

How dare you. How dare you!

And now there remains only one final question.

Have you been naughty or nice?

Ho, ho, ho.

We saved you.

Dying's not how it's supposed to go!

Er... Er, sorry.

Hyah!

Well...

...that about wraps it up for this dress.

I'd just like to ask, purely out of academic interest,

you were sure I was going to survive, were you?

I was quite confident.

Good. Now, tell me...

What would've happened if you hadn't saved him?

- Yes. - The sun would not have risen.

Then what would've happened?

A mere ball of flaming gas would have illuminated the world.

Alright, I'm not stupid.

You're saying that humans need fantasies to make life bearable.

No.

Humans need fantasy to be human.

To be the place where the falling angel meets the rising ape.

With tooth fairies, Hogfathers...

Yes.

As practice, you have to start out learning to believe the little lies.

- So we can believe the big ones? - Yes.

Justice, mercy, duty, that sort of thing.

- They're not the same at all. - You think so?

Then, take the universe and grind it down to the finest powder

and sieve it through the finest sieve,

and then show me one atom of justice, one molecule of mercy.

And yet, you try to act as if there is some ideal order in the world,

as if there is some... some rightness in the universe

by which it may be judged.

But people have got to believe that, or what's the point?

You need to believe in things that aren't true.

How else can they become?

Er, would you like to visit for Hogswatch dinner?

Albert is frying a pudding.

I, er... Well, they're really expecting me here.

Would you like a drink before you go?

A cup of cocoa would be appropriate in the circumstances.

Right. There are biscuits in the tin on the mantelpiece.

- Susan's got a poker, you know. - My goodness me.

I thought all of you knew that by now.

Indeed.

Last week, she picked a bogey up by its nose.

I'll give Gawain his stocking, then I'll come and watch.

Susan...

Well, well. Now, this is... unexpected.

A family affair.

I wonder...

Is it possible to kill... death?

Hmm!

This must be a very special sword.

And it certainly works here.

And, of course, it might well not be regarded as murder.

Possibly it is... a civic act.

It would be, as they say...

...the big one.

You may have some personal knowledge about your vulnerability,

but I'm pretty certain

that Susan here will quite definitely die.

So I'd rather you didn't try any last-minute stuff.

I am last-minute stuff.

I don't remember them asking for anything that made a noise.

Oh, there has to be something in the stocking that makes a noise.

Otherwise, what is 4:30am for?

There are children?

Oh, yes. Of course.

- Call them. - Certainly not.

It'll be instructive. Educational.

And when your adversary is Death,

you can't help but be the good guy.

Call them.

Gawain. Twyla.

Come in. Come in!

Curly haired tots!

I caught this bogeyman.

What shall we do with him, huh?

It's only a skeleton!

Yes.

A nasty, creepy, horrible skeleton.

Scary, huh?

He's eating a biscuit.

A creepy, bony man in a black robe.

You're fidgeting with that kettle,

so I expect you're thinking of doing something creative.

Put it down. Please.

- Slowly. - Huh!

That's not very creepy. It's just bones.

It's just standing there. It's not even making "whoo-whoo" noises.

And, anyway, you're creepy. Your eye's weird.

Really?

Well, let's see how creepy I can be.

Oh, no! Couldn't have gone through you.

There's so many ribs... and things.

It only kills monsters.

Stop time now.

You winked at me.

I thought you had a plan.

Indeed. Oh, yes.

- I planned to see what you would do. - What?

I did add the sparkly stars and the noise, though.

I thought they would be appropriate.

And if I hadn't done anything?

I dare say I would have thought of something

- at the last minute. - That was the last minute.

There is always time for another last minute.

Stop playing dead, Mr Teh-ah-tim-eh.

You got it right.

Of course.

I'll take care of the body. That will prevent inconvenient questions.

Erm, you did know the poker would go through me?

I was quite confident.

Ah.

I have made this for you.

Oh! Thank you.

What is it?

Albert said there ought to be snow on it,

but it appears to have melted.

It is, of course, a Hogswatch card.

Oh.

There should have been a robin on it as well,

but I had considerable difficulty in getting it to stay on.

Ah.

- It was not at all cooperative. - Really?

It did not seem to get into the Hogswatch spirit at all.

Oh. Thank you.

- Granddad? - Yes?

Why? I mean, why did you do all this?

Human beings make life so interesting.

Do you know that in a universe so full of wonders,

they have managed to invent boredom?

- Quite astonishing. - Oh.

Well, then, er... Happy Hogswatch.

Yes.

Granddad.

Happy Hogswatch.

A Happy Hogswatch

and good night, children,

everywhere.

Ooh! Hello! Hello!

Oh, you're cute. Yeah, come on.

Come on, let's play. Yeah.

You have a big, wooden rocking horse in the window.

Er... yes. That's a special order I made for... Lord Rodney.

How much would this lordship have paid you?

- $12. - I will give you 50.

Would you like me to wrap it, sir?

No. I will take it as it is.

Thank you.

Incidentally, there is a small boy out there

with his nose frozen to the window.

Some warm water should do the trick.

Happy Hogswatch, sir.