Original subtitles

[theme music]

So from what we've learned,

prehistoric women spend an average of 20 hours a week on housework.

Really?

My mom spends twice that time cleaning our house.

Conclusions?

Either my mom's neurotic,

or my dad's a bigger slob than Fred Flintstone.

Quite possibly.

But it also tells us that modern conveniences

don't always make our lives easier.

For instance, it's two million years ago,

and you're a cave wife.

You only have one major appliance.

And what do you think that would be?

Mr. Morris?

Here.

That's debatable.

Mr. Powers, what would that prehistoric appliance be?

A rock.

Ahh, he's right.

It slices, it dices, it Juliennes fries.

A state of the art meat tenderizer,

home security system, and the original Thigh Master.

Hey, you better start paying attention, Zack.

I am. I've just got an English test next period.

I'm listening to "War and Peace" as read by Joey Lawrence.

Now, by the end of the Bronze Age,

humans had all kinds of appliances.

Who can name some?

Mr. Morris?

Here.

Zack, I get the feeling you're not paying attention.

What?

(ANGRILY) I said you're not paying attention!

Oh sure I am.

I'm even taking notes.

Oh, really.

Please, read them back to me.

Hey!

I think Professor Lasky has the cutest little nose.

Why, thank you. My mother seems to think so.

See me in my office this afternoon.

Should have never told him I was here.

? I'm standing at the edge of tomorrow, ?

? and it's all up to me how far I go ?

? I'm standing at the edge of tomorrow ?

? I've never seen such a view before, ?

? a new world before my eyes ?

? So much for me to explore ?

? It's where my future lies ?

? Today, I'm standing at the edge of tomorrow ?

? From here, the future looks bright for me ?

? And it's all up to me how far I go ?

? It's my time to break away ?

? I'm standing at the edge of tomorrow today ?

Zack, this is college, not high school.

Nobody's going to make you learn.

I know. And you're right.

It's just that, as one friend to another--

Friend? Excuse me, Zack.

I like you.

But you have to remember that you are my student,

and I'm your professor. [phone ringing]

I'm a doctor of anthropology,

and you have to respect the dignity of that position.

Yes?

Security's about to tow away my brand new scooter.

I'll be right back.

Remember, I'm the professor.

You're the student.

I'm the professor. You're the student.

[knocking on door]

Excuse me.

This is Professor Lasky's office, isn't it?

Yes.

Can I help you with anything, anything at all?

You? I don't think so.

I was hoping Professor Lasky would autograph his book.

Oh, oh, you must really like it.

Like it?

This is the most brilliant work on Aborigines ever written.

I would give anything just to meet him,

to listen to him, to touch him.

You're looking at him.

You mean, you're?

Yes. Yes, I am.

Oh!

Professor Lasky!

I am so sorry.

I'm Jennifer Williams.

Hi.

I had no idea.

I mean, I heard that you were youthful,

but you look as though you're barely--

19? Oh, oh, oh, no!

Those were the days.

I wish I could have enrolled in one of your classes,

but they were all full.

Well, if you're that interested in anthropology,

we could discuss it over dinner.

Really?

Oh, that would be incredible, Professor Lasky.

Great. Well, how about 8 o'clock at Mario's?

I'll be there.

Don't you see, girls, if we buy a big screen TV for the rec room,

it'll benefit us all.

Alex, you could watch your favorite movies on it.

That's true.

The other day I was watching "Big" on my little TV.

And when Tom Hanks got big, he was still little.

Whatever.

And of course, you'd get to watch all your football games.

Well, only on Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, and Monday,

but you guys could watch whatever you wanted to in July.

We won't be watching anything unless we come up with $2,000.

I've already thought of that.

The Sweetco candy company says they'll give us $0.10 for

every bar of Choco Chews candy we sell.

We tried selling candy in high school

to raise money for cheerleading equipment.

We wound up with one pom pom and 10 fat cheerleaders.

You guys got a better idea?

Yeah. What if we sold a pinup calendar?

That is so sexist!

Yeah, girls posing in bikinis like pieces of meat?

I meant a male pinup calendar.

Oh, that is a good idea.

Whoa, whoa, whoa,

no real man is going to pose in some skimpy outfit

so a bunch of women can stare at him.

I'll do it.

Fine.

You guys do your beefcake calendar, and I'll sell candy.

And we'll see what college girls want most --

scantily clad men

or delicious chocolate treats with a nutty zesty crunch?

Well, I don't want any part of this.

It's just like "Playboy."

You're promoting a superficial image of beauty,

and anybody that doesn't live up to it is left out.

Well, that's not true!

I mean, the men of Cal U calendar

will be open to all guys on campus.

Hello, girls.

Well, why don't you ask Screech?

He's a man of Cal U.

Ask me what?

The girls are doing a pin up calendar,

and they want you to pose for it.

Right, girls?

Well--

Wow, that's so cute.

You guys were too embarrassed to ask me.

Something like that.

Don't worry, because I've been pumping up my pecs,

and my mom just sent me a new pair of Speedos.

You got to tell her you're not Lasky.

But she's crazy about me.

You're the one who's crazy.

You're going to get expelled.

Come on, Slater. The girl is gorgeous.

Zack, no girl is worth getting kicked out of college.

Hi, Jeremiah.

Don't forget to write.

I loved that documentary last night.

I never realized how fascinating fossilized cow dung could be.

Yes, yes. I had a lot of laughs, too.

I usually don't date girls your age.

They're so immature.

It's that whole MTV generation thing.

Oh, I know, which is exactly what I prefer going out

with a sophisticated older man.

Hey, hey that fake vomit you put in Roger's room really worked.

One of my students, he spent a year among the Zulus.

We're not sure what they did to him.

Professor Lasky, is there anything I get you?

Coffee? Tea?

Truth serum?

Jennifer, I feel really close to you,

and I feel that I can tell you anything.

Good, because I haven't been entirely honest with you.

- You haven't? - No.

I try to keep it quiet,

because people tend to treat me differently

when they find out that I'm the chancellor's daughter.

You mean your father is the head of this whole university?

But I hope this won't affect our relationship.

No.

No. You're still you, and I'm still--

the Nutty Professor.

So I'm telling you, Slater, all I gotta do is avoid her,

and I'm sure Jennifer is going to get the idea.

And she's going to forget about me.

I don't think that's going to work, Professor Lasky.

Eat this.

Oh, a jelly doughnut, my favorite.

How dare you eat a doughnut in my classroom, young man!

Boy, you talk about mood swings.

How many of these things did you eat?

That's the girl who thinks I'm Lasky.

Just play along.

Jennifer, hi, I didn't even see you.

Listen, I'm just about to start my classes, so--

I'm just dying to see you in action.

Oh, well, I'm afraid no one is allowed to audit my classes.

Oh, I'm sorry. I'll go then.

OK, and I'll show you the way out.

Good morning, Professor Lasky.

Yes, yes, good morning, doughnut boy.

Could you help me with an anthropology problem,

Professor Lasky?

In a minute.

Did I mention that Professor Lasky here is so patient

and kind and sweet and generous?

Stick a sock in it, Screech.

Professor Lasky, you're a mean and bitter old man.

- Good morning. - Morning, Professor Lasky.

- Good morning. - Morning.

Good morning to you, too.

- Good morning. - Morning.

- Morning. - Morning.

Listen, Jennifer, I'll give you a call later.

Make it quick. I want to start class.

My older students -- so eager to learn.

Hello, sir.

I'm selling Choco Chews Candy Bar,

the delicious chocolate treat with a nutty, zesty crunch.

No, thanks. I'm allergic to chocolate.

So get a shot.

I'll take six--

teen.

We appreciate your business.

Now, please enjoy this fine snack food product from Sweetco.

That's good. Thanks.

Hey you, come here.

I can't believe you guys are actually going through with this

disgraceful exercise in bad taste.

Hey, girls.

He's going to take off that jacket, right?

Leslie, why is it you always show up to tell us how disgraceful we are

just when we're about to shoot a hunk in a tank top?

Hey, I had no idea you were going to be in the top of the bell tower.

I just happened to be there because I like to--

spit.

OK, I'm ready, guys.

Where do you want me to stand?

Well, we thought we'd get a few shots of you playing pool.

Sounds good.

Play a little pool, be admired by hundreds of girls --

ho, hum, just another day.

OK, A.C., babe, I want you to relax, have fun with it,

and don't be nervous.

Makeup!

(SURPRISED) Whoa!

I'm not wearing makeup.

Look, it's just to take the shine off your face.

Everybody does it.

Arnold Schwarzenegger does it.

OK, if Arnold does it.

Just take off your jacket.

[camera shooting]

Oh, yes.

You're beautiful. You're now.

You're here. You're today.

You are happening.

Wait a minute, you're not happening.

Why aren't you happening?

Because I feel weird.

I mean, look, everybody's staring at me.

You think everybody's staring at you now?

Wait till you take your shirt off!

I'm supposed to play pool with my shirt off?

Yes, pool is a very sweaty game.

Work with me, work with me.

This is demeaning. I'm leaving--

in an hour.

[bike horn honking]

Ah,

here you are.

You girls forgot to tell me where the shoot was.

I figured I'd pose on my bike.

Yeah, Screech on a Schwinn.

Hey, girls, that sounds sexy to me.

Thanks, professor,

and please enjoy this fine snack food product from Sweetco.

Oh, I will.

- What's up Mike? - Hey, Zack.

Zack, how would you like a delicious chocolate treat

with a nutty, zesty crunch?

Pass.

Listen, I know you're my professor,

but can I ask you something personal?

Yeah, sure.

I've noticed that a lot of girls in your class have a crush on you.

And I was just wondering what do you say to them?

Well, I usually tell them as much as I like you,

it's unethical for a professor to date a student.

You see, your father has very strict rules against it.

In fact, it's grounds for being fired.

So I'm afraid we're not going to be able to see each other anymore.

I can't believe it.

You're willing to give up what we have together for your ethical beliefs!

Well, I have to look at myself every morning in the mirror and say,

you've done the right thing Professor Lasky.

Well, I know what you must be going through.

That's why I'm going to daddy first thing in the morning,

and I'm telling him that I am leaving Cal U

so that you and I can be together!

Oh, no, you can't--

I've got to get rid of this girl tonight, or tomorrow morning,

I'm going to go bungee jumping without the bungee.

So Jennifer, I uh,

I hope you don't mind me bringing along a student on our date.

No, of course not.

I think it's very noble that you want to help lonely students adapt socially.

Hey, I got the popcorn,

so I better sit in the middle, professor.

OK, Screech. Go into your nerd act.

Right. Popcorn?

I'm sorry.

Hang on. I'll go into my nerd act in a minute.

It's all right.

Professor Lasky explained that you need

special attention and understanding.

He did?

That was very nice of him.

He's a wonderful man.

He is, isn't he?

You know, you're wonderful, too, Jennifer.

I hope you two never break up.

Hang up to this one, buddy.

Oh, um, I didn't mean to intrude.

I'll just be going.

Oh, oh.

It's time for plan B.

Jeremiah!

Jeremiah Lasky?

There you are.

I figured I'd find you in some cheap night spot!

Honey, who is this woman?

Honey?

So this is who you've been catting around with

while I've been home slaving over a hot stove

cooking dinner for little Buffy and Muffy?

What is she talking about?

Beat it you homewrecker!

(ANGRILY) You're married?

Well--

Yes he's married!

Well, what did you think of my performance?

Very realistic.

We better tell Kelly we don't need her for plan C.

Right.

There you are, you, you rat!

Are those pictures of all your hunks?

That's right.

And I suppose you still disapprove.

I'm an open-minded person.

I never pass judgment on anything until I've seen it.

So let me see it.

So you girls thought that selling candy was a silly idea.

Well, I'll have you know that I made $329.

And I won a free trip to summer camp.

How much did you make?

So far, $2,300 in advance sales.

Looks like we've got ourselves a big screen TV.

Who's we, Candyman?

Looks like I'm going to be watching a lot of that Melrose 90210 thing.

You're not really going to use this picture, are you?

This is so embarrassing.

I look like one of Madonna's dancers.

Here, now this--

this is a good picture, huh?

Why don't you use this one?

We can't use this. It's a picture of you at Disneyland.

Come on, you're hugging Goofy.

Grow up, Slater. We're playthings for millions of women.

So get used to it.

Hey, where's my picture?

Actually, Screech, you're not going to be in the calendar.

I'm not?

I guess I was kidding myself.

I mean, me in a pinup calendar,

not unless they invent the month of Geekuary.

I'm sorry, Screech.

Take it from me, Screech, you're not missing much.

It's like I'm a piece of meat.

At least you're prime rib.

I'm pimento loaf.

If only I had a body like yours.

It could be worse.

In a few weeks,

I'm going to be ashamed to show my face around campus.

Wait.

I have an idea I think will make you both happy.

[knocking] Yeah?

- Hey, professor. - Hey, Zack.

Just came by to drop off your books.

You know, the one on the Mayan religious rituals is very interesting.

- You read all those books? - Sure did.

Man, in the last few days, you've become a new person.

You don't know the half of it.

[phone ringing]

Professor Lasky.

Yes, Chancellor Williams?

What?

Your daughter?

Oh, he's about to hear the other half now.

She said I what?

Muffy and Buffy?

- I'll be right there. - Sir, I better explain.

I met the Chancellor's daughter.

Of course, I didn't know she was the Chancellor's daughter.

And somehow she got the crazy idea that I was you.

And how did she get that idea?

Well, I suspect it was when I said, I'm Professor Lasky.

But did I mention she was gorgeous?

Oh, well, I'm glad she was gorgeous,

because I'd hate for you to ruin my career and my life

over someone who is (YELLING) just average!

- I'm sorry, sir. - That's not good enough!

You wait here. I'll deal with you later.

Romantic relationships between students and faculty

are strictly forbidden, Professor Lasky.

I'm aware of that, sir.

I assure you, I would never date your daughter.

Then who did?

I couldn't say, sir.

Ms. Hancock, send in my daughter.

Sir, you expect me to believe that some mysterious stranger

decided to impersonate you--

please.

Jennifer, is there something you'd like to say to Professor Lasky?

There certainly is.

Where is he?

I'm Professor Lasky.

You're Professor Lasky?

You mean he's not?

Oh, this has clearly been an unfortunate mistake.

Allow me to apologize, professor.

Would you like a Choco Chews bar?

No thank you.

If that'll be all, sir. I'll be going.

Excuse me. Chancellor Williams,

Professor Lasky is completely innocent.

It was all my fault.

- Zack, this isn't necessary. - Let me finish.

You see, sir, I pretended to be a Professor Lasky

because I wanted to impress your daughter.

I'm sorry, sir, and Jennifer, I'm sorry.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So you're the Jeremiah Lasky?

Professor, I assure you this student will be published to

the fullest extent of my powers.

And if there's anything I could do to make this--

Actually there is.

Don't expel him.

He's my student. Let me handle it.

Well, if you're sure.

I suppose that's acceptable.

Did I mention that I loved your book?

Do you have time for a cappuccino?

Let's go, honey.

I want to show you some slides of Oklahoma College for Women.

Listen, professor, thanks for saving my butt.

I mean, you're a real--

I was going to say friend.

Friend is OK.

But I'm still your teacher, and you're still in trouble.

I know.

So what are you going to make me do, huh?

An extra assignment?

More like community service.

A friend of mine runs a retirement home.

And they always need an extra man for square dancing.

I was supposed to do it,

but since you're so darn good at impersonating me,

why don't you do it

for the next six months?

Yes, sir.

Oh, and watch out for Mrs. Gordon.

She pinches.

[knocking]

Excuse me.

I'm looking for Chancellor Williams.

Nah.

You're beautiful.

You're now. You're today.

You're free.

You're happening.

Wow, I feel like Fabio.

You're married?

Well--

Yes, he's married.

You rat!

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