Original subtitles

[ Birds chirping, classical music plays ]

[ Music stops ][ Grunts ]

[ Groans ][ Laughs ]

Pancake!

Whoo!

[ Ding ]

[ Birds chirping ]

♪♪

One more time around the block?

[ Sighs ] You're really supposed to pay through the app.

Yeah, I don't really like leaving a digital trail.

You know -- Big Brother.

My mom pays for my credit card,

and it's only supposed to be for emergencies.

You get it?

[ Sighs ]

[ Sighs deeply ]

♪♪

[ Indistinct shouting ]

Man: Whoo!

Don: Okay, top of the third quarter, and we're all tied up.

21 Morgans, 21 Tuniclifs.

Tony: Oh, horse shoot! We have 28, and you know it!

No! Corey tackled Heathrow before he passed the cone!

That was clear as day!

Corey can't even run!

Heathrow only slowed down because he had already scored!

Yeah, and besides, Corey's, like,

five times bigger than him,

and we're playing two-hand touch.

[ Laughing ] Oh, God!

Would you listen to this guy?

Next year, you're gonna have us play

with little Nancy flags tied around our waist.

[ Laughter ]

Hey, Dad, you should know, though,

that, um, you know, flag football's probably

the most responsible option, in general.

I don't know if you saw the movie "Concussion"...

No, I......the Sony picture.

Will Smith with the funny accent?

Yeah. I don't go in for that sort of thing.

Okay, so, I mean, what the movie gets across, basically,

is that there have been talks that pre-concussive trauma

is sort of, like, the most...

Shut up, Mikey!

Michael, shut up.

We have to support adult dramas while they're still in theaters,

or the whole genre will die.Okay, I get it.

It's fine, all right?

It's tied, Tuniclifs are gonna win,

just like we have for the last three years.

Over my dead body!Okay?

Yeah, come on!

Horse shoot, Don!

Complete and utter horse shoot!

Hey, why do you keep saying "horse shoot"?

Because I'm setting a good example for my grandson!

Flocking motherclucker!

Why the fuck do I have to play for the Tuniclifs?

I'm your wife!Gwen, watch your mouth

in front of the little monster, okay?

They're down a player, we gave them a player

to be fair, you're our worst player.

You suck. I'm sorry. I'm the worst player?!

You don't know that you suck?Me?!

Kyle couldn't catch the ball

if it had Anderson Cooper's ass painted on it!

[ Indistinct arguing ]Oh, come on! Who cares?!

Let's play!You want me on the other side?

You want me on the other side?

Yes! That's fine.

Here comes the Rock from Rock City!

[ Shouting ]

Okay. I'm not even paying attention.

[ Shouting continues ]

You know, The Rock's in California.

You're making an insane scene right now.

Hike the ball. She never saw the --

That's the most terrifying thing I've ever seen in my life.

Omaha, hut!

[ Indistinct shouting ]

Hiiiiiiiike!

[ All shouting ]

Aah! Aah!

Whoo-hoo!

Tony: Get it, get it, get it!

Yeah!

Yes!

Oh, yeah!

We play to win, bitches!

Oh, did we score?Yes, we scored!

Yes, we scored!Yeah!

[ Sobbing ] My rib!

[ Engine idling ]

[ Sighs ]

[ Pop standard plays on radio ]

[ Car door chimes ]

[ Groans ][ door closes ]

[ Sighs ]

Listen, girl, my shift was supposed to end

an hour ago, all right?

I can't keep taking your crumpled money.

I want to go home to my Thanksgiving.

I got me time.

I got a frozen chicken pot pie.

I know. I'm sorry.

Wait, that's so sad.

It's not.

I mean, I cook it first.

I'm not eating a frozen chicken pot pie.

Oh.

Well, so, what's going on, huh?

You knocked up? You scared to tell your parents?

No. I knew it.

I knew when I saw that baby bump

when you threw your stuff in the trunk.

Ohh!

I'm not pregnant.

Mm. Poor girl.

Bat in the cave, 17 years old.

I'm 26. Hmm.

I'm gonna give you some straight talk, okay?

That fetus --

Oh, it is messed up -- a lot, all right?

And your life is not gonna be all peaches, either.

You've chosen a really tough path.

I'm not pregnant, ma'am.

"Ma'am." Ohh. That's so cute.

Oh, if only you knew what I did on weekends.

[ Sighs ]

I'm not pregnant.You know what?

I have a test in my glove-compartment box.

I always keep one, you know, J.I.C.

So if you want to piss on it,

we can prove to both of us that you're pregnant right now.

Well, I don't need to piss on anything --

'Cause you already know you're pregnant.

Exactly, right?

Why waste a pregnancy test

when we already know we're pregnant?

I like that -- You're environmentally friendly.

Okay, look, I dropped out of med school two years ago,

and I haven't told my parents yet.

That's not so bad.

They've been sending me tuition checks the whole time.

Ohh. Okay. That's bad. Yeah.

Yep. [ Inhales sharply ]

Um, how about we just forget about that pregnancy stuff,

and then you don't think about that

when you're deciding how many stars to give me?

Mm-hmm.

♪♪

All right. Come on.

Oh, my God.

Can you guys tell me why it is that I am 58 years old

and yet I'm still better-looking, smarter,

and stronger than all of youse?

Oh, probably because you have a warped self image.

[ Belches ] Okay, let's get tough!

Come on! Whoo!

Come on! Come on!

Thank you so much!Come on!

[ All grunt ]

Come on! Come on!

Ow! Ow! Ow!

Oh, did that hurt?

Yes, it does hurt...Owie! Owie!

...because I got tackled on top of a rock.

You saw that happen.Oh, relax.

Just take a couple of laps around the park,

and your sister will look at it when she gets here.

Actually, if you're worried you cracked a rib,

you shouldn't run -- That'll exacerbate the problem.

You should call Mom and get some ice.

[ Babbling mockingly ]

Michael, you have two choices here, okay?

Uh, you can either man up and be a Morgan

and take a couple of laps around the park

or you can --Hey, Mommy? Hi.

It's Michael. Um...

[ Sniffs ] I boo-booed my rib pretty badly.

Could you come down here and get me some ice, please?

And -- and also some, um, feel-better icy treats, maybe?

And cookies. And ice cream.

And -- and cookies and ice cream.

And twice-baked potatoes.

And twice-baked potatoes, please.

Those last three are for Corey.

No, he's not hurt. He just...wants to eat those.

Tony: Are we playing or are we hanging?!

Playing or hanging?

You want to forfeit, it's fine by us.

Forfeit? Forfeit? Anyone else forfeit?

Boys, chug 'em.

♪♪

[ Can thuds ][ Grunts ]

Here we come, you piece of shoot!

Jude: Whoo!

♪♪

[ Exhales sharply ]

Kathy: This way, when the homeless people get the food,

they'll think it's homemade.

Everyone deserves a home-cooked meal on Thanksgiving --

even drunks and hobos.

But that's a lie.

It's not homemade. It's from Country Cookin'.

White lies aren't lies.

Then why do they have the word "lies"?

Oh, good one.Hey, Mom.

Oh, my baby, my angel dust!

Oh, don't say "angel dust." You don't know what it means.

Oh! Well, we missed you, too.

Geez, look at you! You look terrific!

Are you sure? I feel like I've gained weight in my stomach.

Oh, please! You haven't gained an ounce.

[ Whispering ] White lies.

Do it! Do it, do it, do it!

Geez, Olive, what could Harper possibly be begging us to do?

I have no idea.

Come on, Grammy, Aunt Olive! Please?

Hmm. Do you think maybe she's talking about...

Both: Clap, clap, elbow, elbow, bump, bump, bump, bump,

Charlie Chaplin, Charlie Chaplin,

tweet, tweet, tweet?

[ Laughs ]

That's it. Oh, that's it.

Well, hiya, Betty Boop. How's med school?

Oh, you know, it's...medicine.

You know? It's good. It's...

I'm so excited for you to meet Clark.

Oh, God, he sounds so handsome over the phone.

He is. He's a mega swoon.

Yeah, boy.

Well, I can't wait to give that city boy

a taste of the Midwest.

Speaking of taste, being a small-town foodie myself --

I hear it's talk of the town.

They're replacing kale with something new --

like, dandelion greens.

Eugggh! Can you imagine that?

I can imagine that, actually.

Oh. Well, there you go.

So, you're just tricking homeless people now?

What else is new? How are the boys?

Well, um...

Jude-o is relieved that his penis-o scare from Idaho-o

turned out to be a little rash and not HIV-o.

Oh, good. Yeah.

And Chad-o's kid-o's miss their mom-o.

And -- let's see, Michael's got a new --

My dad-o has a new girlfriend-o.

Oh.

Well, I wasn't gonna say that, that, but, oh. Yeah.

[ Jude growls ]

[ Cheering ]

Yeah!Ah, we suck!

I don't suck! You guys all suck!

Man: Suckers walk!

Ow! [ Laughter ]

Chad: Aah! Nice try, babe.

No, no, no. You don't call me "Babe" out here.

Out here, we are enemies.Oh, well, I can't help it.

You look so cute when you're sweaty.

Oh, I look cute, Gwen.

Then why don't you touch me anymore?

Because you're always sweating.

It's not sweat, damn it!

Okay? It's coconut oil and probiotics.

You have to bathe in it, Gwen!

Corey: I should be free safety.

Jude: You're too fat.

I-I'm faster than I look I swear.

No, you're not.

Kyle's free safety.I'm gonna just go.

Good luck, family.Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Whoa! No, you're not.

You can't do that now. That would leave us a man short.

Dude. Get back there.

I want to hop in the shower before Jude clogs it up

with his monster pubes.

I'm gonna head home, too.

I want to be there to greet Sue

with attention and comfort and affection...

No, no, no, no. No, no.

Boys, I did not spend 14 years coaching Pee Wee Football

and wrestling and baseball

to raise a bunch of limp-wristed Nancys.

No offense, Kyle.

None taken.

[ Sighs ]

Boys, come on. Take a knee.

[ Clears throat ]

♪♪

I guess Dad's not the most sentimental man, is he?

[ Laughter ] No.

No, I'm not.No.

But I want to tell you something very important.

When you were all very, very little boys,

I held you very, very close, and I looked at each one of you,

and I tried to imagine who you might become.

Jeremy Roenick?

Ryne Sandberg?

Jordan?

[ Scoffs ]

Maybe even Ditka, huh?

[ Laughter ]He's in commercials.

But none of those dreams came true for your dad.

But I'm telling you this right now --

We...can win...this game.

Do you boys see that championship placard over there?

That's not just a sign.

It's a sign of power -- of Morgan power.

So, remember, boys --

clear minds...

full minds...

always win!

All: Always win!

[ Cheering ]

Wa-hoo! Ah-oo!

Ooh-la-la!

I just made that shit up.

[ Groans softly ]

[ Cellphone clacks ]

[ Cellphone vibrates ]

Land of Lincoln, I have arrived!

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Hey, sweetie. How was it? You close?

The train ride was amazing --

like your butt.

You got to try it.

It leaves half the footprint.

Aww. When will you be here?

In about 30.

Great.

Can you hang on a sec?

[ Farts ]

[ Exhales sharply ]

[ Farts ]

Can't wait to kiss your face.

Can't wait to kiss your neck.

[ Laughs ]

[ Farts ]

[ Exhales sharply ]

[ Farts ]

Mm, can't wait to give you a dry handjob.

Can't wait to sext you a pants-on dick pic.

[ Chuckling ] Ew.

But before we get all nasty at your parents' house,

in front of your brothers and grandparents

and nieces and nephews, what are you gonna do?

I'm going to tell my parents

that I dropped out of med school.

And...?

And that I've been selfishly using their tuition money

to pay for rent and party.

For...?

For two whole years.

You're so sexy when you're being an honest person.

Gross.

Ma'am, do you mind?!

Sorry.

[ Groans ] I hate you.

[ Chuckling ] I hate you, too.

See you soon.

Bye.

Bye.

♪♪

Hey, Honey Bunny! Hello.

Michael hurt himself again, and Corey is hungry.

Could you take that to the park?

Sure, no problem. Thank you.

Harper, you want to come?Okay.

And here's some road pop.

Ooh! Oh, yeah.

We all need road pop.

Cheers. Oh! Hey!

I don't want you to spill that.

There you go.

Whoo! [ Laughs ]

Who's been drinking what, right?

[ Laughs ] Okay, there you go.

Thanks, Mom.

[ Cellphone rings ]God. Whoo!

Y'ello?

Hi, Kathy. This is Maggie from Hungry Hearts.

Just making sure you're still coming by

with that home-cooked meal you promised?

Oh, you bet, Maggie. I just pulled it out of the oven.

It smells like, uh, effort.

Hungry people are waiting.

See you soon!

[ Groans ]

♪♪

So, what's the hot gossip?

Well, I tried out for the travel soccer team,

and I didn't get it. Aw...

And then I tried out for cheerleading,

and I didn't get that, either.

I get my coordination from my dad.

Mm, there are worse traits

you could have picked up from your father.

Let's tell secrets.

Honey, you don't want to know my secrets.

Please? I'll tell if you tell.

Okay, but you have to promise whatever we say

stays right here on Moss Wood Ave.

Promise? Promise.

Okay.

Well, you have to go first.

Okay, well, the other day...Mm-hmm.

Oh, my goodness. This is so crazy.

Mm-hmm.

The other day, I said the "S" word!

[ Laughing ] Oh, my God! Harper!

Yeah, I know. Holy shit!

That's insane.

Your turn.

[ Exhales sharply ] All right.

[ Doorbell rings ]

Aah! Hi, there, Joy! Kathy.

You're not watching the game today?

I wish. I'm cooking, probably like you?

[ Laughing ] Yeah! I'm in the kitchen all day.

I really am behind the 8 ball.

Thanksgiving just jumped up on me, and, like, attacked me.

I know. It comes so fast.

I know, I know. I'm a mess.

Anyways, I don't know what I was thinking,

but I forgot ingredients for tonight's dinner.

Do you have a couple things?

Oh, no problem. I got a fully stocked kitchen.

Whatever you need is yours.

Okay, so, uh, gazelle stock?

Gazelle stock?

Well, it's like chicken stock or beef stock,

but it's made with gazelles.

No, I didn't know that was a thing.

Um, all right, Tibetan saffron powder?

Jesus -- that's somethingI just ran out.

people have laying around?They do, yeah.

You ran out? Yeah.

Oh, I got to try it sometime.

No, no saffron. Anytime.

Uh, ostrich feet? No.

Cow brains? No.

Snake dong. Snake penis?

Yeah. No.

Ugh. Uh...jackalope tongue.

Uncured.Never heard of it.

Acorn-seed oil? No.

Valerian root?

You're asking for crazy things.

What in the heck are you making?

Just stuffing.

Hike!

Chad: Gwen, you have to move --Gwen: Aah!

Son of a beach, Gavin!

I practically spoon-fed you that ball!

Dad, chill!Don't tell me to chill!

When I chill, they win the ffff...freaking yard sign!

[ Chuckles ] Okay. All right.

That's fourth down.

It's Morgan's ball after I pee.

[ Pops lips ]

It's a relatively tame year.

Yeah, I know. It's 'cause we're getting old. It sucks.

I just think it's so cool, 'cause it feels like your team

has finally succumbed to the reality of being losers.

I'm gonna take a whiz.

Gwen, why don't you go drink or something?

Ooh! Sounds like we're turning your woman, Chad.

Eat ass, Tuniclif.

You know what? Don't talk to me, Gwen.

I'm your wife!

In real life, you're my wife,

but on the field, fuck you!

Sorry.

[ Clears throat ]

[ Sniffs ]

Anybody else want to carb it up?

Hey, who's winning the game?

What?! Olive?!

[ Indistinct greetings ]

Hey!Good to see you!

It's been, like, a year!

I know. How's Rio?

Honestly, insane.

Yeah?So I loved it, obviously.

Ooh, I missed ya, sis!Aah!

My baby bro!Uncle, yes.

Stay in school. Yes.

Stay in school.

Mom tell you I'm in love?

She did!Yeah. Hey, not too tight,

'cause I got the rib thing.Here, I have a piece of ice.

Thank you.Chad Morgan.

That's right. Councilman.

Yes. Hi, hi. What's going on?

I'm actually not the councilman yet.

There's an election, but I'm building a team right now.

Okay.And I got some big guys.

Yeah. Boring stuff.

Olive?!

Jude! Well, not boring...

[ Laughs ] Whoo!

Whoa! I'm in the spirit now.Happy Thanksgiving, sis!

How are ya?!Hi! How's it going?

Ow!

Oh...ow, ow, ow, ow...

Are you okay, Daddy?No, honey.

Daddy -- Daddy's not okay.

No, Daddy's not...okay.

This is the most pain that Daddy's ever been in right now.

Even worse than when Mommy left Daddy. Yeah.

Daddy feels like crying right now,

but Daddy wants to stay strong in front of you.

[ Laughs ] Aah!

Really?

It's Thanksgiving. The sun hasn't even set yet.

Ohh?

Nice to have you home.Wow.

Angel Dust! Come here, you!

[ Laughing ] Get over here!

Oh, honey! You're back!Hello!

I'm back!Don, scoot over!

Let me get in there. Oh, wow.

Hi![ Laughing ] Ohh, baby girl!

[ Chuckles ]Good to see you.

I thought girls weren't allowed on the field.

[ Scoffs ] Olive, it's 2016. Jesus.

They were short a player.Oh.

Sam: Long time no see, Olive.

Yeah. How's, uh, NYC?

It's good. It's really good.

Tony: Hey, sweetie.Hey, Mr. Tuniclif.

How are you? I'm good.

Beating your dad at football -- 35-28.

Mm-hmm. [ Chuckles ]

How's med school?

Yes, um, Olive, how is medical school?

Oh. Yeah, it's, uh... you know, good.

It's, um, hard and...

Sure. ...it's hard.

When are we all gonna be able to call you "Dr. Morgan, PhD"?

I think it's "MD," Pops.What?

It doesn't --"MD," maybe?

You know, let's stop talking about this

and play football instead, right?

Yeah, that sounds good, guys.

[ Clapping ]Final play!

[ Cheering ]Come on! Let's go!

[ Whistles ]

Jude: You're back.

Don: Hey, Michael, man up, okay?

Show Harper what perseverance looks like.

Okay, will you hold this for me?

Dad, you should know to "man up"

is a very heteronormative term.

It's not very acceptable in 2016.

Okay, huddle up. Huddle up, guys.

Come on, honey.

Okay, this drive is your last chance to make me proud, okay?

All right, now, listen, Jude, I want you to stay open.

You got it, Dad.

The ball is coming to you, okay?

Yeah. [ Laughing ] All right, Dad!

You got it. No problem. No problem. I got it.

Yes, I got it! Thanksgiving!

I don't know where this kid gets his energy from,

but I'd love a little.

Pretty sure it's a guy named "Sawblade."

Shut the fuck up, Mikey!Saw...?

Wait, no -- They're gonna expect you to throw it to Jude,

so instead, throw it to me.

Wait. Everybody, shut up.

Uh, I have an idea.

What's "perseverance"?

It's when your dad bullies you into doing something

you don't want to do.

Oh.

How old is Heathrow Tuniclif?

Oh, why? Does someone have a little crush on him, huh?

No.

You been giving him some eyes, huh?

No! A little of this...

No! ...a little of that?

Ew! No! No?

No. No?

No. No?

Ye-- Yes?

No! No! You said "Yes"!

I heard it! She said "Yes"!

♪♪

[ Slow-mo ] There's no need to do the hitting.

[ Slow-mo ] Omaha!

Hut!

[ Heartbeat ]

[ Slow-mo ] Hike!

[ Classical music plays ]

[ Screams ]

[ All shouting, screaming in slow motion ]

[ Cheering in slow motion ]

I did it.

[ Cheering continues ]

Yay!

[ Chanting "Morgans!" ]

Happy Thanksgiving!

It's tied!

The game's not over!

Yes!

[ Chanting continues ]

Turtle jelly? No tur--

I have a turtle, but no jelly.Can you check?

I'll check, but I'm pretty sure it doesn't produce jelly.

[ Rap music plays ]

Drinking wine!

[ Muffled ] ♪ Mm-mm mm-mm mm-mm

You're dating Michael, huh?

Uh, it just kind of happened, and I'm here, for some reason.

"Live your life, Sue." That's what I say every day.

But, uh, he hasn't even tried to kiss me yet.

So... Egh.

[ Shouting ]I've seen "The Revenant"!

[ Shouting continues ]

Take it! Take his pants off!You got to take his pants now!

[ Coughs ]

[ Wheezes ]Corey! Oh, my God!

Dr. Olive, go fix your brother.

Uh... [ Laughs nervously ]

Hey, Corey. How are ya?