Original subtitles

[upbeat music]

- [grunts]

- Hey, Lexi, think fast!

- Jamie, you have to say "think fast"

before you throw it.

- Sorry.

I always get the order wrong.

Are you ready for my party Saturday night?

- Oh, yeah.

As an early birthday present,

I got DJ Khaled's baby to make you a playlist.

It's okay. - [chuckles]

Hey, fast, think Aisha!

I did it wrong again.

- [laughs softly]

[melancholy music]

* *

- So how are you doing with...

- Please stop.

I don't care about Jamie and Aisha.

- But you like him.

I mean, it's okay to have feelings about--

- The only reason I like Jamie

is because we would've been the ultimate power couple.

The brain naturally wants popular, hot people

to be together and rule over society.

That's why it's annoying when beautiful actresses

date "SNL" writers.

- So you're good? - Of course.

I wish Jamie and Aisha all the luck in the world.

- Cool. - Goodbye.

Have a wonderful day.

- I am PO'd as F.

Jamie promised me his extra ticket

to see Dane Cook at Morongo,

but apparently he's going with Aisha.

- I'm sure you guys will work it out.

- Huh? You're not making any sense.

- Oh, sorry, I'm still in character

from another conversation.

How's this?

Jamie has no right to rob you

of seeing your favorite comedian

at your favorite casino on the way to Palm Springs.

- Thank you. - Yeah.

- You know what we have to do, right?

- Break up Jamie and Aisha.

- Oh, I was gonna say buy two tickets and go with them,

but let's do your thing.

[school bell rings]

- * When I wake up in the mornin' *

* Alarm gives out a warnin' *

* I don't think I'll ever make it on time *

[school bell ringing]

* By the time I grab my books *

* And I give myself a look *

* I'm at the corner just in time *

* It's all right, it's all right *

* Saved by the bell, it's all right *

* It's all right, saved by the bell *

* It's all right *

* 'Cause I'm saved by the bell *

[school bell ringing]

- Uh, morning, Slater.

Just a couple of school-related items

I wanted to run by you.

The pool is closed for cleaning.

We have parent-teacher conferences now on Wednesday.

Also, you have a mandatory double date

with me and two fly honeys at

Jimmy Buffett's Margaritaville on Saturday night,

and oh, the new volleyball mats came in.

And I think--yup, that's it. Thanks a million.

- Nice try. - Please?

- No way. - Listen, my date won't go

unless I bring someone for her friend.

- So ask somebody else. - No, no.

Listen, listen, listen.

It can only be you.

You see, they think one of us is you and one of us is me,

but you're the one they think is me.

- And where would they get that idea?

- I don't know.

My dating profile pic is a group shot,

and you're kind of in it, but...

- This is a picture of only me.

- My arm is in it. Therefore, it's not catfishing.

- Yeah, the liquid's supposed to look purple.

- I'm so excited for Jamie's birthday.

I've never been to a rich kid party before.

- Uh, Jamie's not really a rich kid.

- Um, I once saw him Postmate a churro from Disneyland.

Your boy rich.

Do you think the party is gonna be like "Euphoria",

all emo and smoke-filled,

and everyone's, like, damaged, but in a sexy way?

- Since when do you watch "Euphoria?"

- Since I started my extensive research project

on how to have fun. - Mm.

- I'm using our first Bayside party

as an opportunity to rebrand myself

from a social perspective.

Exciting, huh?

- Not the way you say it.

- No, I'm actually gonna party this time,

not just stand in the corner

or try to make friends with the dog.

- Wow, you really are rebranding yourself

from a social perspective.

- So can your dad drive us?

- Uh, I'm obviously gonna be dressed like a stripper.

- Oh. - We need a non-parental ride.

Hey, DeVante!

- My clothes are going to burn off my body.

- Chill, bro, it's not an acid. It's a base.

- Ooh. - What's up?

- Can you drive us to Jamie's party this Saturday?

- No.

- I'll give you 30 bucks and the login to my Netflix.

- Deal.

- Yes, he'll take us. Ooh.

- I'm sorry, but could you have been wrong about the acid?

- Yeah, could have been.

- All we have to do is make Jamie think

that his beloved dog hates Aisha.

I cut up hot dogs. You put them in Aisha's pants.

The dog bites her crotch, Jamie dumps her.

See figure A.

* *

- Your plan is bad.

Here's what we're gonna do.

Using psychological warfare,

we will prey upon Jamie and Aisha's

individual weaknesses

to drive a wedge between them and destroy their relationship.

Step one.

We make Aisha think that all of Jamie's hot ex-girlfriends

have sent him romantic birthday gifts.

Aisha, competitive by nature,

feels the first pangs of jealousy.

Step two.

We exploit Aisha's deepest insecurity.

Prior to the party, I will break into her home

and replace her heels with an identical pair

two sizes too small.

- The Grinch Maneuver. Genius.

- Step three, Jamie's Swedish model ex-girlfriend

suddenly pops out of a cake,

her tiny little feet on full display.

- You sure are putting a lot of eggs

into the "insecure about her feet" basket.

- Shut up, okay? There's 97 more steps.

- [sighs]

- Hey. - Hey.

- Heard Jamie's having a big party this weekend.

- No, not a big party, just a few friends.

- Man, remember how much fun

high school parties used to be back in the day?

- [chuckles] - Roll in

rocking your most neon tank top,

tell the DJ to hit it, then dominate the dance floor.

- Can you believe that was, like, 30 years ago?

- No.

There haven't been 30 NBA championships

since high school.

Raptors, Warriors, Warriors, Cavs, Warriors, Spurs,

Heat, Heat, Lakers five times, Bulls, Bulls, Bulls,

Rockets, Rockets, Bulls-- damn, you're right.

- Hmm. - But I don't feel

30 years older. - I do.

Last night I threw my back out rocking Jamie to sleep.

- [clears throat] Hey, listen.

Since René is still at his retreat,

I could swing by your house and help you chaperone.

- I'm not gonna be there. - What are you, nuts?

You can't leave a bunch of kids

unchaperoned in your nice house.

I wouldn't leave them unchaperoned

in my not-nice not-a-house.

- Slater, a parent must plant the seeds of trust

if they ever hope to one day enjoy the shade

of the trust tree's leafy branches.

That's a metaphor my editor cut from my book

'cause it was bad.

- Well, um, since

you gotta be out of the house anyway, um...

I was probably gonna go to the movies or something.

- Oh, no, sorry, I'm gonna be out of town.

René called and asked me to come visit him in Arizona.

- You didn't let me finish.

I was going to the movies because I have a date.

- Wait, you were inviting me on your date?

- Oh, so I guess I was also on a date

with everyone else sitting in the movie theater?

[scoffs] Grow up, Jessie.

* *

- No, I am not in the market for solar paneling, Eric.

But listen, while I have you,

what are you doing Saturday night?

- I'll go on your stupid double date.

- Really? Oh, great!

- Hey, never mind. Slot's been filled, loser.

Why, yes, I'll hold for the survey.

- And then the next step--

- Are we almost done? - Yes, step 99.

Our plan has culminated

in a massive un-take-back-able fight.

- [yells]

- Jamie retreats to his bedroom, devastated.

Finally, step 100.

I comfort Jamie,

remind him of our easy friendship and shared past,

we kiss, and Jamie's free.

- Wait, why do you have to kiss?

- Uh, to ensure they're really broken up.

- Oh, that makes perfect sense.

That's an excellent plan.

- Thank you, I thought of it as I was saying it.

- And it's, like, classic Lexi,

like, the evil and diabolical plans

you used to come up with all the time.

- What are you talking about?

- You know, you used to be, like,

cool and mean,

and then you kind of went soft.

Like, after a rapper has a kid

and does a family vacation movie.

- Okay, what? I'm still cool and mean.

I've insulted, like, seven people today, idiot.

Ooh, make that eight.

- Doesn't matter.

What's important is

I'm going to see Dean Cain in Morocco.

- What? I thought it was Dane Cook at Morongo.

- That's what I said.

- Hey, get out of the teacher's lounge.

And how the hell did you get a conference table in here?

[upbeat hip-hop music]

- This house is huge.

Maybe Jamie is a rich kid.

- Yeah, it was purchased back in 2002 for $3.1 million.

What?

Y'all didn't Google the address before we got here?

- Huh--

Sorry, I was nervous,

so I pregamed with my mom's Don Q she saves for Christmas.

I'm fine.

* *

Let's do this, baby.

- Is she wearing angel wings? - I don't--I don't know.

- * People say I drive too fast *

* Move too fast, live too fast *

* Ain't no such thing as too fast for me *

* *

- Daisy, your foot is in the trash can.

[upbeat music playing]

- I may have pregamed too much.

- How many days did it take you to drive to Connecticut?

- Ooh-la-la.

Sorry, pal, dibs on the hot one.

Evening, ladies.

You must be Deirdre.

- You're so much cuter than your pictures.

- Hi. - Hi, I'm Michelle.

- AC.

So how do you know Deirdre?

- She's my boss.

She said if I didn't come on this double date

there would be professional consequences.

- That's bad.

You should tell the HR department.

- We are the HR department.

[both laugh]

- Ron, can I just say,

you have such a beautiful smile?

- Thank you.

The state cut our dental insurance,

so enjoy it while you can.

- [laughs]

- Ow, why are my shoes killing me?

- Jamie, presents from your ex-lovers.

- Oh, weird. I'll open them later.

- Oh, look. This one's already open.

Wow, it's an Oculus from Holly.

- She got you an Oculus?

- And Sienna got you floor seats

to the Lakers-Clippers game.

How thoughtful!

Isn't that the last game you went to

before your grandpa passed?

- [laughs softly]

A Laker girl hugged him,

and Grandpa got a streak of her boob makeup on his face.

- I've always liked Sienna.

For an Instagram cheerlebrity, she was really down to earth.

- You know what? I'm gonna go find Daisy.

- I'll come with you. - No.

Stay here and open your presents.

- Aisha.

Wait, are you mad at me?

[dramatic music]

- Hey, our scheme is working perfectly.

- I should hope so. We're 40K over budget.

[both laugh]

- Come on.

You're telling me your favorite band is Train?

They exclusively make music for car commercials.

- Uh, more like

they exclusively make number one hits.

- [laughs]

You know, I was dreading tonight,

but this is actually really fun.

- You know what? I'm having a really good time too.

I mean, not as good as them.

- I hope this isn't too forward,

but I'm falling in love with you.

- [gasps]

It's not, Ron. I feel the same way.

[mellow music playing]

- So should we get another drink?

- Yes, definitely. [cell phone ringing]

But uh...let me just take this really quick.

I'll be right back, okay? - Okay.

* *

- Hey, Jessie, what's up?

- You were right. The party is out of control.

I've gotten 100 notifications from my doorbell camera,

and Jamie isn't picking up his phone.

- Calm down. It's gonna be okay.

- My neighbors are gonna call the cops.

They all hate us 'cause my compost bin stinks

and René has a pet rooster.

Slater, I hate to ask you this,

but can you please get over there and shut down the party?

- Uh, you need me to do that, like, right now?

- Uh--oh, my God, wait, you have your date.

Sorry, never mind, forget it.

- No, no, no, no. If you need me--

- No, no, no, no, don't be silly.

I'll ask someone else. I'll ask Toddman.

- You're gonna throw away everything we have for him?

Look at him!

- No, it's okay, Jessie. If you need me, I'll be there.

- Really? Thank you so much.

- I have a problem? You have a problem!

- [sighs]

Hey, listen.

I am so sorry, but something suddenly came up.

My friend had an emergency, and I gotta go.

Again, I'm so sorry.

- Okay.

[indistinct arguing]

- * Ooh, he'll take me soon *

* He's making room *

- Stop doing that. I hate this.

What is that?

- Who cares?

Tonight, I'm living life as a verb.

- Hey, you wanna see something fun?

- Mm-hmm. - Cool, let me show you.

- What? - There it is, mm-hmm.

- Ooh!

- "As a verb"?

- You're being, like, crazy jealous right now.

- Jamie, I swear to you I'm not.

- Well, you're mad about something.

What do you want me to do,

throw the presents out? 'Cause I will.

I don't need this, or a Rolex

or some song that Billie Eilish wrote for me personally.

- No, throwing them away is even worse.

- How? God, you're being impossible.

- Then don't be with me. - What?

Oh--

- Jamie's on the move.

Cancel steps 3 through 99.

Advance to step 100. Over.

- Already? That was fast.

- All you've gotta do now is go into Jamie's room

and manipulate your best friend into kissing you.

- Oh, God. When you say it like that--

- It sounds awesome. I know.

- [sighs] Okay.

I'll get into position.

- And I'll get ready to see Dean Koontz at Costco.

- What? I thought it was Dane Cook at Morongo.

- Who cares? Just go.

- Okay.

[slow mellow music]

- * Girl, you so beautiful when you faded, faded *

* Ooh, I like you better when you faded *

- Looks like you and I are on the same trip.

- * Girl, what are you so afraid, afraid of? *

[upbeat hip-hop music playing]

* *

- Hey, hey, hey, hey!

[crowd cheering]

- * You can't relate *

* You never had as much bread on your plate *

* Y'all have my blessings, thank you, I'm great *

* Giving 'em reasons to gossip and hate *

* Go away, don't pay attention *

* You see me moving in a different dimension *

* Just look at my mansion *

* Club boys with patience *

* *

- Okay, okay. Party is over.

Alexa, cut the music.

- No! - Oh, come on, Coach.

We thought you were cool. - Yeah.

- I am cool.

But Jamie's mom called and said I gotta shut this thing down.

- Aw, this sucks, we were in the middle of a dance battle.

- It doesn't matter, everybody's gotta go now.

- But we're tied. Come on, help us out.

Just one dance. We need you.

- Coach Slater can't dance.

- Uh, yeah, he can.

He's always talking about

what a sick dancer he was in high school.

- Nice try, guys,

but there is no way I'm doing more than one dance.

- Yes! - Alexa, hit it.

- I think you have to say the name of the song.

[lively instrumental music playing]

- Guess not.

* *

[music stops]

Yeah!

[cheers and applause]

- Whoo!

- You're the man. You're the man.

- Aisha was so cool, and then tonight

she just completely changed personalities.

It's like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde were the same person.

- Did you not finish the book?

- It's a book?

- All right, well, you just started dating,

and you don't really know each other.

- Yeah, I mean, I guess you're right.

- Yeah, like, you and I have been friends for what?

- As long as I can remember. - Exactly.

You can't expect someone you've known for what,

two months, to understand you like I do.

- Yeah, you do know me pretty well.

Hey, remember this?

- Oh, my God, our string phone.

We used to sit in our windows and talk on those all night.

- Remember back when I was husky?

You used to yell through it every morning,

"Wake up, lard-ass! Welcome to another day of hell!

That is, if you haven't already died of a heart attack."

- Huh. - Oh, man, good times.

- Yeah, kind of forgot about that.

- Oh, I didn't.

I mean, why do you think I worked so hard

to make my body like this?

It's 'cause I was afraid of you.

- Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.

- No, no, it's fine.

I mean, you're not like that anymore.

- Eh.

I can still be pretty mean.

- No way. I mean, you used to hurt people

and, like, never feel bad about it.

Like, remember that time that you exposed

Spencer's dad's affair just to ruin his bar mitzvah?

- Yeah, maybe I have changed.

- You have.

I mean, the old Lexi wasn't a very happy person,

and sometimes unhappy people take their feelings out

on the people around them.

But you're--you're happy now.

- How do you know I'm happy?

- Because I know you. [laughs softly]

[gentle music]

* *

- Damn it. - What's wrong?

- Look, you're right. I'm happy and I'm nice now.

[sighs]

- * Ba, Ba, Ba, Ba, Barbara Ann *

* Ba, Ba, Ba, Ba, Barbara Ann *

* Ba, Ba, Ba, Ba, Barbara Ann *

* Barbara Ann *

* Oh, take my hand *

* Barbara Ann *

* You got me rockin' and a rollin' *

* Rockin' and a reelin' *

* Ba, Ba, Ba, Ba, Barbara Ann *

* You got me rockin' and a rollin' *

* Rockin' and a reelin', Barbara Ann *

- Oh, no, it's the cops! Everybody hide!

[siren wailing]

[suspenseful music]

- Happy birthday, Jamie!

- Oh, thank God I found you in the first room I checked.

I have to tell you something.

There was a scheme to break you and Jamie up,

but I heroically stopped it.

I also started it. It was my scheme.

- What? - I'm sorry.

I guess I wanted you guys to break up because...

I like Jamie.

- I know.

Daisy told me.

- That bitch is lying.

Sorry, reflex. Just...

Look, I want Jamie to be happy, and he's happy with you.

I'm the one who got him all the gifts.

You have no reason to be jealous.

- [scoffs] Jealous?

I don't get jealous, honey. I'm dope.

- God, you're so confident.

- You would be, too, if you had feet

as big and beautiful as I do.

- Okay, wait, so if you weren't jealous,

then why were you so upset?

- Because at school, Jamie and I,

we don't seem all that different,

but being in this big, fancy house

watching him open all those expensive gifts, it--

it made me feel weird.

I mean, I don't have money to buy him an Oculus.

I didn't even get him anything for his birthday.

Don't laugh, but that's why I was in here.

I was trying to make him a gift.

- Oh, Holy God, what is that thing?

- It's supposed to be Jamie.

- Huh. - [sighs]

- Let me give you some advice.

Jamie doesn't need things,

especially not a haunted painting from hell.

He just needs to know that you care about him.

He really likes you.

- He does? - Yeah.

And love across class lines happens all the time.

My dad was rich, but my mom was just hot.

- Aren't your parents divorced?

- Yeah, that was never gonna work.

They're from two different worlds.

[knocking on door] - It's the police!

Open up!

- Maybe someone should go talk to them.

- Yeah, but who?

- Maybe Colt?

[knocking on door]

Coming! One sec.

* *

- Good evening, sir.

We got a noise complaint,

but I didn't know an adult was home.

- Yeah, sorry, officer.

I guess the party got a little out of control.

- Oh, I get it. I have kids too.

Boy, do I hate it when they throw a party.

Let me help you out.

Young lady, you better keep the music down

for your dad, okay?

I mean, you may think it's a lot of fun

carrying on all night now,

but when you get to be your dad's and my age,

fun is a quiet night at home

with your family and beloved wife.

- Thank you, we'll keep it down.

- [hiccups]

* *

[people murmuring]

[upbeat hip-hop music playing]

- You're the man, Coach.

When I grow up I wanna be just like you:

a single, childless adult who parties with kids.

- Okay, this party is over.

Everybody out, now!

[crowd groans]

[indistinct chatter]

- Yeah, I'm just gonna follow her.

- That should be us kissing Jamie.

We were so close.

Why didn't you just finish the plan?

- Because you're right.

I have gone soft.

Now making people feel bad makes me feel bad,

so I couldn't do it,

even if it meant losing a guy I really like.

- Who, me? - Jamie.

- Wait, you like Jamie? - Yeah, dude.

Why else would I concoct a super expensive plan

to ruin someone's relationship?

Wait. Why are you doing this?

- Because of the thing I've been saying the whole time,

that I wanna drink Diet Coke with Kaley Cuoco or whatever.

- What? I thought it was Dane Cook at Morongo.

Mac, seriously, why did you do this?

I mean, there had to be some deeper reason.

- Because I felt abandoned by my dear friend what's-his-name.

- Well, you know, sometimes unhappy people

take out their feelings on the people around them.

- Excuse me, I'm not unhappy.

There is no emotional void I'm trying to fill.

- Okay.

- I don't have a void.

Lexi, come back.

What is wrong with me?

Why am I like this?

[cell phone buzzes]

Hello?

Yeah, that's right.

A dozen pizzas sent to Ronald J. Toddman's house.

[whistles]

- I heard Yasmin gossiping

about how some girl was so drunk

she made out with a coat.

Can you believe it?

For once, the loser at the party wasn't me.

- Girl, that sounds like a successful social rebrand.

- Uh-huh!

What?

That's a cool party sound I do now.

- Hey.

- Hey, you're home.

- I don't know how to thank you.

I am so sorry I ruined your date.

- Don't worry about it.

You know I've always got your back.

- Oh, it is so good to be home.

Although, this will never really be my home

because the white man can't rightfully lay claim

to any land in America.

Oh, hey, Slater.

- Hey, René. - René surprised me.

He decided to come back early from his retreat.

- Mm.

- Slater, are you hungry?

René's shaman gifted him some jerky.

- [whispers] There's not really enough for everyone.

- No, I'm good.

- Aw, are you sure? 'Cause we got tons.

- Yeah, I think I'm gonna just go home.

- Wait, what is that outfit? Is it from high school?

- Yeah, actually, it is.

I've been keeping it in the trunk of my car,

but I think after tonight

I may officially be done with high school.

Matter of fact,

I don't think I need this anymore.

[upbeat music]

- What?

- Why are you giving this to me?

* *

[cell phone chiming]