All language subtitles for Home Improvement -Season 3 E13

Today on Tool Time,

we're gonna talk about
a real American hero -

the supersize sausage...

submarine,

also known
as the SS Cholesterol.

I thought we were talking
about squeaky floors.

We are, we are.

And the obvious connection
would be?

Stick with me.

Let's say your wife has you

on one of those low-cal
mulch and grass diets,

but you got
one of these bad boys

hidden out in that camp cooler
in the garage.

So you wait till she drifts off to
sleep, snoring like a band saw.

You creep out to the garage
to get it,

but as soon as your feet
hit the floor, what happens?

She wakes up.

"Hey, leave that submarine sandwich
alone, you big tub of lard!

"Get back into bed!

You're gonna be eating nothing
but fiber for three months!"

And you doubted the connection.

I'm hating myself now.

The point is, today, how do you get
rid of that tattletale squeak?

First you have to determine
if you have a squeak...

a creak...

or a groan...

because each one of those
will require a different repair.

Right, Al.

Larry, you wanna bring
the camera in here.

Normally, a squeak is caused by
wood rubbing against a loose nail.

Now, if you have your squeak
between the joists,

what you wanna do
is add a bridge.

Right.

Now... older homes, like
older people, tend to groan.

That's because
there's a sag and weakening

between the beam and the joist.

"Oh, my aching beam.

I got such a pain in the joist,
you shouldn't know!"

Our older viewers
will wanna write Tim

at "Tool Time,
P.O. Box 32733..."

Now, if you have a creak -

which happens when two boards
rub against each other -

we have
an old carpenter's remedy.

Take an old squeezable ketchup
bottle, fill it with talcum powder.

You wanna direct the talc
between the boards,

give it a good healthy squeeze.

AmericasCardroom.com brings poker back
Million Dollar Sunday Tournament every Sunday

You know, I don't think
many people know,

but on weekends
Al does mime at the mall.

Look at these apples, Al.

What do you think? Should we
put the kids in the middle?

- Sorry, Dad.
- Ah, it's just a toe. You're doing great.

No, I'm not. I think I should
just quit. I'm no good at this.

I'm no good at a lot of things.
Doesn't stop me.

I don't wanna hear anything more
about you quitting.

Good news -
I think he's gonna quit.

He can't quit. He's only
been doing it three weeks.

Besides, I really think
he's getting better.

Better? He sounds
like Al's mom at a luau.

Tim, he begged us
for those saxophone lessons.

I'm trying to teach - Excuse me.

I'm trying to teach him to stick
with something, follow it through.

You don't want him
to be a quitter, do you?

Quitting would be a bad thing.

But being a quitter's parents -
we could live with that.

It's always bad
in the beginning.

You think Mozart's parents enjoyed
listening to him practice?

Great example.
They named their kid Wolfman.

Wolfgang.

So, a group of wolves.
What's the difference?

- I really stink at this.
- No, you don't. You just got started.

It'll take you
a couple of months

to figure out
whether you stink or not.

Whoa. You're all wet.

Good work, Sherlock.

What happened?

Paul and Vinnie McGurn stuck
me upside down in a snowbank.

I hate those guys.

I thought we told you
to stay away from the McGurns.

They're big, ugly and stupid.
That's a lethal combination.

I had no choice.

Vinnie challenged me
to a sled race.

So you beat the guy and he
dumped you in a snowbank?

That's typical of those guys.

No, they beat me, and this was
part of their victory celebration.

I hate those guys.

I swear, this time
I'm gonna get 'em back.

I hate those guys!

We know, Brad.

I'm just gonna walk up to
Vinnie and start swinging.

No, Randy, don't be stupid.
Don't try to fight Vinnie.

For once, Brad's right.
Listen to him.

Get someone else
to beat up Vinnie.

There's this one boy
in my class, his name's Troy.

For a quarter, he'll punch
himself in the face.

I've always told you guys,
fists don't accomplish anything.

You can get Vinnie McGurn back
at his own game.

What are you talking about?

Challenge him to another race.

Dad, there's no way
I can beat Vinnie.

He has that new sled - the
bullet-nosed downhill racer.

But you got The Tool Man.

I think we can turn this old
jalopy into a speed demon.

It's light,
it's got a classic design.

Maybe put a spoiler on the
front of that for airflow.

I'll take the burrs off these
runners, sand this thing down,

bevel the edge,
put a shine on there.

This'll be smoother than butter
on a baby's butt.

Arr-arr-arr-arr-arr.

I hate those guys.

Let it go, will ya?
Just let it go.

Mark, go get your shoes on.
I'm taking you for a haircut.

Mom, I don't need a haircut.

Oh, please. I could turn you upside
down and mop the floor with you.

Besides, the barber is right next
to Brad's saxophone teacher.

I can get you a trim while
he's having his lesson.

You just wanna get out of
hearing Brad play.

I never said that, and if it
gets around, I never said that.

Brad, where's your saxophone?

You have a lesson in 20 minutes.

Mom, why do I have to keep
taking these stupid lessons?

Brad, sit down.

Is this gonna be
another one of those

"When I was a little girl"
stories?

No. Will you just listen?

When I was a little person
about your age...

I had to take flute lessons
for five years,

and it wasn't always fun,

but I was really glad
that I stuck to it.

Why? It's not like
you ever play the flute now.

Well, that's true,

but I take great joy

in knowing
that I could if I wanted to.

Besides, if you get
really good at it,

we could have mother/son
jam sessions.

There's a dream come true.

Mom, can't find my shoes!

I swear, if his head
wasn't attached, he'd...

Oh, no. I'm channeling
my mother again.

I'm coming!

- Hey, Randy, did you test out the sled?
- Yeah.

Was Dad's spoiler cool?

Yeah. I was going so fast, I
think I missed my next birthday.

Dang, that's fast.

- Ahh.
- What happened to your wrist?

When I hit Dead Man's Curve,

my sled went one way
and my wrist went another -

right into a tree.

- Ahh.
- Well, is the sled OK?

Yes. Thanks for caring.

Ahh.

Here comes Mom.

Don't tell her about my wrist.

She'll overreact.

- OK, come on, Brad. Randy, hi.
- Hi.

Listen, your dad's just pulling up now.
We'll be back before dinner.

- Hi.
- Bye!

Boy, we lead fast-paced lives.

- Hey, Randy.
- Hey, Dad.

What's the matter?

I had a little run-in
with a tree.

Who started it?

- The tree.
- Hey.

- Did your mom see this?
- No.

Ahh.

- Can you bend it?
- Sort of.

All right, can you do this?

Yeah. Can you do this?

All right, smart guy, sit up
there, let me take a look at it.

Careful, careful.

Ooh.

- Ow!
- Ooh. That hurts, huh?

No, I just have a condition that
makes me say "ow" every ten minutes.

I'm gonna run you down to the
emergency room get an x-ray for you,

write a note to Mom.

Dad, I don't need to go
to the emergency room.

That's what I usually tell Al.

Well, how does he get you to go?

I don't know.
I'm usually passed out by then.

Don't worry. They'll take
real good care of you here.

Is this the emergency room
you come to all the time?

I don't come here all the time.

- Hey, Tool Man.
- Hey, buddy.

- Hi, Mr. Taylor.
- Hey, Tim.

- Hey, Buzz. How are those little girls...?
- Good. Real good.

Hey, Laurie.

You're better known here
than you are at Sears.

Mr. Taylor. And you walked
in under your own power.

Always a good sign.

- Well, actually...
- You know, I keep your file handy.

- Actually...
- That's all you?

That's just this year.

It's not me today, Marge.
It's my little son Randy.

Well, how cute -
like father, like son.

What's doing, Randy?

He went off of his sled
and hit his wrist.

We'll take care of that.
You know the drill.

OK. Come on over here
and sit down.

Dr. Smith,
report to the emergency room.

Dr. Smith, emergency room.

- You doing all right?
- Yeah.

OK, let's fill this out quick.

Birthday is the 18th. 8th.

Eighth.

- 97 pounds on you.
- No, 80.

80. All right.

Big brown eyes.

Big blue eyes.

OK.

Here you go, Tim.

Coffee just the way you like
it - cream and five sugars.

Thank you, Buzz.

Couple more sugars, they
gonna be calling you Buzz.

All right.

What's gonna happen now?

They're gonna
run you back to X-ray,

take a photograph of your wrist.

What if it's broken?

Don't worry about it.
They're great here.

They'll set it in a cast, and you'll
be good as new in two months.

- Two months?
- It goes just like that.

I remember when I broke my arm.
I was younger than you.

Well, how'd you break it?

Well, the first time...

I was six or so, in the garage
looking at my little red wagon.

Arr-arr-arr-arr.

"That thing needs more power."
Arr-arr-arr-arr.

I'm not sure Mom's
gonna be too happy

when she finds out
we souped up the sled.

- Don't worry about it.
- Do we have to tell her?

Yes, yes. You can't lie
to your mom.

I get two lies a year,
and I'm not wasting one on you.

Mr. Taylor, this way to x-ray.

Look who I'm telling!

You know, Marge,
it's kind of gratifying

to be here in the hospital
and not be a patient.

See ya, Tool Man.

Hey, buddy.

Well, maybe you can have
that feeling another day.

- Medic!
- It's all right.

- It's all right.
- Medic!

Whew. I'm home.

What happened at the hospital?
How's Randy's arm?

It's fine.
Doctor says it's sprained.

He'll be up and at 'em,
two days.

Oh, thank goodness. Where is he?

He's over at Jeremy's,
showing him my x-ray.

- Your x-ray?
- I banged my head down there.

Took an x-ray. Showed nothing.

Big surprise.

- "Big surprise."
- Mm-hmm.

- What are we eating?
- Pizza.

- Will you set the table?
- Uh-huh.

So what happened to Randy?
The sled got away from him?

You know how they are
with those sleds.

It gets all icy, wind
catches the spoiler...

Wait a minute.

Since when
do sleds have spoilers?

It's not uncommon.

I don't believe you.
You powered up the sled?

I tweaked it a little bit.

It's not like I put a motor on it.
Although...

Tim...

I just did it
because the McGurns' father

bought them this downhill
bullet-nosed racer.

- So what?
- So... Randy challenged 'em to a race.

That was a stupid thing to do.

Not quite as stupid as what
he originally planned.

Which was?

He was gonna hire some kid
that hits himself in the face

to fight Vinnie McGurn with him.

Troy?

I suggested
a more sensible alternative.

Oh, a sensible one,

like sending our son barreling
down a hill on a death machine

to win some stupid race?

You are so wrong.

This is a practice run.
The race isn't till Saturday.

No, it's not.

Yes, it is.
He was challenged by Vinnie.

You said that Randy
challenged Vinnie.

Yeah, well, then Vinnie
challenged him back.

You just don't understand

the intricacies
of the male mind.

Explain it to me.
I've got a minute.

OK. Guy A challenges guy B.

If guy B accepts the challenge,

guy A is automatically
challenged by guy B

not to back down from the
challenge that A gave to guy B.

OK, let me explain to you
how a woman's mind works.

Guy A and guy B are both idiots,
and Randy is not racing.

Come on.

Sugarplum. Honeybuns.

There's nothing wrong
with two kids

having a nice race
down Dead Man's Curve.

Down what?

Fred Man's Curve.

It's gonna take your mom
about two minutes to find that.

Now, if you bury it,
you might have a shot at it.

Dad, I'm no good
at playing the saxophone.

You were great this morning
playing "Baa Baa Black Sheep."

Dad, that was
"Mary Had A Little Lamb."

Well, lamb, sheep -
it's all about wool.

Just try a little harder,
will ya?

Wilson, what are you
doing up there?

Well, Tim, I am trying
to get Mrs. Foley's cat Fluffy

out of that tree. Mm-mm-mm-mm.

- So how was your day?
- Little frustrating.

I'm trying to explain to Jill the
meaning of the word "challenge."

I would think, living with you,

that she'd be an expert on that.

No, I mean when one man
challenges another man.

She doesn't realize
you can't back down from that.

Aha. So Al is being
obstreperous at work again?

No, he took some penicillin
and cleared that up.

You know Vinnie McGurn
next door?

Yes indeed. He's the reason
that Fluffy's up in the tree.

Well, he and Randy
got themselves

- into this sled race challenge...
- Uh-huh.

and Jill doesn't want him
to do it.

She's afraid
he might hurt himself.

Well, Tim, Jill's reaction
is quite... quite natural.

It's common for the female of the
species to protect her young.

Well, I'm trying
to protect my young

- from the Vinnie McGurns of the world.
- Aha-ha.

So you are encouraging Randy

to act like the saiga antelope.

Yeah. Yeah, exac... What?

The saiga antelope.
They roam the Russian plains.

Any invader who challenges
the male's domain

is met with a fight.

Arr. Russia.

Unfortunately,
the males of the species

are so obsessed with running
back and forth and butting heads

that they barely ever eat,

so that when wintertime comes
they have no body fat.

They starve to death.

See, Tim,
you can't allow a challenge

to make you lose sight
of what is really important.

- Hi. How's your hand?
- Fine, Mom.

What are you doing?

Working on my sled.

I wanna talk to you about that.

I don't think you should
do this race on Saturday.

Mom, I have to.

My wrist is gonna be fine.
Even the doctor said so.

I just think the combination of that
hill, that sled and your father

is too dangerous.

But Mom, I'm fixing my sled,

and Dad's gonna show me
what I did wrong.

I don't see why you have to
race Vinnie McGurn at all.

Because if I don't, he's gonna think
I'm afraid of him, and I'm not.

You should be afraid of him.
He's a scary guy.

Ha. No kidding.

At the father/son picnic,

he's the only kid that was
mistaken for his father.

Now, you see, that's funny.

Humor has always been
your best weapon.

But Vinnie's too stupid
to understand my jokes.

In your life, you're gonna run up
against a million Vinnie McGurns.

- Are you planning on racing all of them?
- I don't know.

All I know is that
I have to race this one.

I have to fight back.

- But it's not a fair fight.
- I'm never gonna have a fair fight.

- I'm the shortest kid in my class!
- Honey...

- And don't tell me my height doesn't matter.
- It doesn't matter.

It's what's inside that counts.

Don't sell yourself short.
Sorry.

Look, in case
you haven't noticed,

even my little brother
is the same size as me.

Randy...

everybody grows
at their own rate.

Mark just had a growth spurt.

I mean, you could
have one at any time.

Yeah, but probably not
by this weekend, huh?

No, probably not.

I'm gonna say something to you

that I thought that I would
never say to any of my kids.

What?

Kick some butt.

All right!

Hey, Tim?

- Jill, we gotta talk.
- Yeah.

Um... Randy's situation

is a lot like
the psychic antelope

that pig out all summer long

and finally act like
buttheads to the Russians.

I was with you right up to,
"Jill, we have to talk."

What I'm saying...

What?

I don't think Randy has to prove
anything to Vinnie McGurn.

I don't think there's any reason
for him to race the kid over this.

Oh, I think
he does have to race him.

Unfortunately, Randy feels that he
has to prove something to himself,

and we have to let him do this.

Now, I was wondering...

is there some way that you
can make the spoiler bigger

and bevel the edges more?

- Are y... are you my wife?
- Yeah.

I read somewhere that if you heat the
runners up, it makes it go faster.

- Is that true?
- That's illegal, Jill.

What is this, the Olympics?

Have you ever noticed
that we agree on everything

but never at the same time?

Well, I have to admit
that this time you were right.

Ooh-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo.

If I'm right, you would be...

Starts with "W."

Your wonderful wise wife.

No, no, no, no, no. No, no.

- Ah. If someone isn't right...
- Mm-hmm.

they're generally
referred to as "wr..."

Really open-minded
and big enough

to listen
to other people's opinions.

OK. No.

I'm looking for something
that rhymes with "song."

Right!

So long.

That was cool how you
beat Vinnie in that race.

Yeah, did you see the way I took
that curve? It was perfect.

- And I told you to race him.
- Yeah, right, Mom.

Here you go.

Hey, did you see
how mad Vinnie's father got

when Dad was doing
that victory dance?

I can't believe he
challenged him to the race.

I can't believe your father
accepted the challenge.

Oh, it's just a sprain.

submarine sandwich,

also known
as the SS Cholesterol.

Dive! Dive! Dive!

Any invader who tries to challenge the
male's domain is met with a fight.

Can't remember that song
all of a sudden.

It's... Lucille.

I can't believe he
challenged Dad to the race.

I can't believe your father
accepted the challenge.

Oh, it's just a sprain.

I'll get that guy in a
rematch, I'll tell you that.

All right, once more.
One more time.

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