All language subtitles for Silicon.Valley.S01E02.HDTV.x264-2HD.VO-SubCentral

Holy shit.

- Uh...
- What the fuck is that?

Uh, that is Jared Dunn.

He works for Gavin Belson.

Hey. Sorry if I scared you.

I know I have somewhat ghost-like features.

My Uncle used to say,

"You look like someone
starved a virgin to death."

It's... yeah. I can see it.

I heard you were having a launch party.

- Yeah.
- Am I early?

No.

Well then, a gift of congratulations.

Now, if Gavin sent you here,

you should know that I've turned him down.

I'm going with Peter Gregory.

I'm actually picking up my check tomorrow.

So I've made my decision.

That's not why I'm here. It's just...

Watching you say no to ten million
dollars to build your own thing,

there's just something
very exciting about that.

Whoa. Whoa, whoa! What is he doing here?

Hey, this is a private party, buddy.
I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.

- Oh, I didn't mean to...
- You know, in the state of California

you can kill a man for entering
your house without permission.

Ok. I understand. Uh, thank you.

Richard, I just wanna say, I really
respect what you're doing here.

And if you could ever use someone with
my business development skill set,

I would love to be a part of this.

The fuck you will be.

We'll call you when we want pleated khakis.

You know this is a fucking domestic?

Why... why were you so mean to him?

He wasn't spying on us.
He just said he likes us.

- He wants to join the company.
- Of course he does, Richard.

Let me explain something to you.

Your whole life you've been an ugly chick

but now suddenly you're a hot chick,

with big tits and small nipples.

So guys like that are
gonna keep coming around.

Don't be a slut, Richard.

I don't...

Now speaking of such things,

Dinesh, change the lighting
to something erotic

because it's about to get
pretty fucking erotic in here.

License to kill-9. IB action-dot-erotica.

Wha... what... What's going on?

- What's happening?
- Gentlemen, I present to you...

Mochacino.

Not this guy.

Mochacino.

She's my gift to you.

You wanna smoke weed?

Hey.

Can somebody play something
with a beat, please?

I'll go make a playlist.

Yeah. I actually have some...
some water, uh, cooking, I think.

Yeah, I don't pay for it. So...

Barking up the wrong tree here.

God, I hate Palo Alto.

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Hello again.

You know, I don't actually
have a ton of dance music

but I turned the bass way up.

Baby...

you're getting a private show.

Hey.

What the fuck?

Ok. There's the butt time.

Hey, should we have left
him in there by himself?

I mean, should we go back in there?

No interest. I entice the
flesh, I don't pay for it.

Plus, Tara's coming into
town in a couple weeks.

I'm saving up all my humors for her.

You know what I mean?

- What's your excuse?
- I didn't even shake

a woman's hand until I was 17-years-old.

The idea of getting an erection
around men I live and work with,

it's just not something I can handle.

The idea that I have a
boner and you have a boner

and he has a boner and
we're all sitting there

with boners in our pants...

I wonder if he's ok in there.

So what do you guys do here?

Oh, we're mostly working on a
lossless compression algorithm.

- A what?
- It makes files smaller.

Doesn't matter. Uh, it's called Pied Piper.

It's gonna be famous.
You'll know it, eventually.

Who was this woman that you shook
hands with for the first time?

The postman lady.

- What?
- A woman that was a man?

Not a post-man lady.

- A lady who was a post...
- Let me ask you another question.

Who was the second woman
you shook hands with?

I didn't even know you were coming.

- Stop. Doug!
- Oh, boy.

- Stop.
- I don't think I'm the one...

Someone is paying me. Ok. I didn't come

just to dance on your
boner all night for free.

I was not erect. I... that
was... I was only being polite.

So you were being polite when
you said that you loved me?

First off, I said you seemed like
someone I could fall in love with.

And, yes, also politeness.

Richie, pay the lady.

What? Why... Why should I pay her?

I didn't hire her. I didn't
even get a lap dance.

This is a company party and you're the CEO.

- So pony up.
- No.

If anyone should pay her it should be you.

Doug, help the CEO find his money.

No. No, no. We don't... I don't need help.

I know where it is. It's here.

- Mm-hmm.
- It's all here.

Do you... I don't know...
Do you accept amex?

- You damn right I do.
- Put a hundred on there for yourself, Mocha.

- Well, that's an expensive boner.
- Not a boner.

Thanks for coming in, guys.

We have a lot to do, so,

let's get started.

Sounds great.

Me? Ok.

Uhh...

Well, we're just really excited
to get going, Mr. Gregory.

Yes. Who's "we"?

Myself, him, uh,

- the guys back at the house.
- Guys?

What guys?

Who is this?

Erlich Bachman. I'm an entrepreneur,

much like yourself. Uh...

Richard actually developed Pied Piper

while residing in my Incubator,

so as per our agreement, I own
ten percent of the company.

I'm paying you $200,000 for five percent

yet you're giving this man...

twice that in exchange for... a futon?

And some sandwiches?

Actually, sir, my tenants
provide their own food...

What other percentages
have you apportioned?

Can I see your cap table, investment deck,

business plan or any
other relevant paperwork

you may have prepared?

I... I just was under the
impression that, uh...

we would just be coming by
and saying "hi", you know,

uh, to pick up the check.

And, uh, I just didn't know that
any of that stuff was due yet.

"Due"?

This is not college, Richard.

I am not going to be giving
you a course syllabus.

You turned down ten million dollars

to keep Pied Piper.

What did you give up that money
for? What is this company?

What did I buy?

- You bought the algorithm, which...
- No.

The algorithm is the
product of the company.

I know that.

What I'm asking about
is the company itself.

Who is it? What do they do?

Are they essential?

Or do you just throw a percentage
at them like you did with this...

This all must be worked out.

Now.

When you said you'd guide us

through some of the stuff
I thought that this was

the stuff you'd be guiding us through.

I cannot guide you until you give me...

something to guide.

This is going very poorly.

I know that.

He doesn't seem to know what he's doing.

Did you just take a sip from an empty cup?

- Yes.
- Why did you do that?

- Just something to do.
- Come back in 48 hours

with an airtight business plan,

a clear go-to-market strategy

and three year summary P&I
or there will be no check.

That's it.

Well, thanks for coming in, guys.

Um... are there any water
fountains in your offices?

I assume.

I own ten percent of an app that
locates all nearby water fountains.

I'd be happy to discuss it with you.

Good day, gentlemen.

You smoke weed?

You really embarrassed me in there.

You didn't say shit about any
business plan before today.

And neither did he. And he was kind
of being an asshole back there.

Yeah, that's why he's a billionaire. 'Cause
he knows how and when to be an asshole.

That's what you need to be like.

- You do, Richard.
- Whatever.

If you continue to mismanage this
company giving ten percent to whoever...

Obviously, you know, we
can't go back on my shares.

That ship has sailed but from here on out.

Now you're being an asshole.

You say that like it's a bad thing.

Richard, if you're not an
asshole, it creates this kind of

asshole vacuum and that void is
filled by other assholes, like Jared.

I mean, you almost gave him shares.

You need to completely
change who you are, Richard.

A complete teutonic shift has to happen.

Tectonic.

What?

A "tectonic" shift is the
earth's crust moving around.

"Teutonic", which is what you just said,

is an ancient Germanic tribe
that fought the Romans.

They were originally from Scandinavia...

Stop it! Stop it.

You're being a complete tool right now.

I need you to be a complete asshole.

Do you understand the difference?

If you're not an asshole,
this company dies.

Erlich, I have 48 hours.

Are you going to help me with
this business plan or not?

I believe in you, Richard.
That's why I'm not.

"Business plans that are created
in support of new ventures

are to implement profound
changes in existing venture."

Uh...

Hi, this is Richard Hendricks.

Is now a good time?

Uh, I need some help.

Who's Chevy Volt is that out front?

Uh, Jared Dunn's.

What? Why? Why is he here?

Well, because as you know, I need
some advice on the business plan.

- You're cutting him in?
- Um...

Good morning. Whoops, that was weird.

I don't know why I did that.

You kind of have a... Like
a king-ish feeling to you.

You're like a... Like a
Norse hero from Valhalla.

Don't pander to me.

Peter Gregory said
specifically to trim the fat.

They actually tried to diagnose me with a
wasting disease because of my slender frame.

So, um, I ironed out our
customer acquisition strategy,

and I wrapped our financials,
I did a DCF valuation.

Most VC's can't even do that math, but
something tells me Peter is different.

I think we can jump into the
one-on-ones with each team member

- to see if I can defend our cap table.
- Ok.

Um, but first, if you don't mind,
I'd like to use the restroom.

Yeah. You don't have to
ask permission to do that.

Why, have you not gone
since you've been here?

I have not.

Well... well, go. I mean, go.

Denpok, I know you were in Aspen, thank
you for coming. Please, have a seat.

I'm not sitting this summer.

Of course. Incredible.

What's weighing on you, Gavin?

Jared Dunn quit today to join Pied Piper.

I hate Richard Hendricks,
that little Pied Piper prick.

Is... is that wrong?

In the hands of a lesser person, perhaps.

But in the hands of the enlightened,
hate can be a tool for great change.

You're right once again.

Audious, play John Lennon's "Imagine."

Cueing, John Wayne in a mansion. Not found.

- Fuck! Fuck!
- Invalid command.

Fuck!

Use the anger, chela. Use it.

Uh, thanks for sitting
down like this, Gilfoyle.

We know it's kind of a little weird.

So, um... can you kind of catch me up on
what you see as your role in the company?

What do you do?

What do I do?

System architecture.
Networking and security.

No one in this house can touch me on that.

Ok, that's good to know.

But does anyone appreciate that?

While you were busy
minoring in gender studies

and singing a capella at Sarah Lawrence,

I was gaining root access to NSA servers.

I was one click away from starting
a second Iranian revolution.

I actually went to Vassar.

I prevent cross-site scripting,
I monitor for DDoS attacks,

emergency database rollbacks,
and faulty transaction handlings.

The Internet... heard of it?

Transfers half a petabyte
of data every minute.

Do you have any idea how that happens?

All those YouPorn ones and
zeroes streaming directly

to your shitty, little
smart phone day after day?

Every dipshit who shits
his pants if he can't get

the new dubstep Skrillex
remix in under 12 seconds?

It's not magic, it's talent and sweat.
People like me, ensuring your packets

get delivered, un-sniffed. So what do I do?

I make sure that one bad
config on one key component

doesn't bankrupt the
entire fucking company.

That's what the fuck I do.

That's basically what I told him.

Listen, wherever we end up here...

I just wanna say that I feel

I should get more equity than Dinesh.

I know Gilfoyle probably came in here
and puked out a bunch of tech specs,

three-fourths of which
are total horse-shit.

Did he bring up the
Iranian revolution thing?

Yeah, those words mean nothing.

I'm the only one of these
clowns that can code in Java.

And I write sleek performant
low-overhead scala code

with higher order functions
that will run on anything.

Period. End of sentence. So basically,
I think whatever equity I get,

it should reflect that I
contribute more than Gilfoyle.

- This is weird.
- I know, right? It's...

- Everybody's been doing it.
- Gilfoyle did this?

It's just a formality, to get me caught up.

So what makes you of value
to the Pied Piper team?

Um... programming.

I guess... pretty good at code,
develop algorithms... So forth.

Different from the type of
algorithm Richard created?

Well, yeah. Like, not as good.

Richard's a 10x-er, I'm,
like, barely an x-er.

I kinda suck.

Smoked you. And now...

- Don't be a dick.
- Mushroom stamp!

- You're being a dick.
- There you go. Show that to your mom.

Mushroom stamp! That's great.

Hey, what do you guys think about
this Jared? He's shit, right?

No, he's pretty sharp.

Yeah, he does shit that no
one else in the house can do.

Yeah, but he's a know it all. I don't
think there's room in here for him.

Well, there will be after
Richard gets rid of Big Head.

Wait, Richard's getting
rid of Big Head? Why?

Listen, we all love Big Head.

But, the truth is he's not
as good of a coder as I am,

not as good at system
architecture as Gilfoyle,

not as good at being a
prick as you, no offense.

He's a lightweight at everything.
Brings nothing to the table.

Him getting points would be a
big "fuck you" to all of us.

- But he's a great guy.
- Great guy. But useless.

Yeah, he is a great guy.
Not like that Jared.

At least we can all agree on that.

Yeah, I don't know.

Me and Richard have just always
been in this together, you know?

Together, right. But to be clear, Richard
created the algorithm on his own, yes?

Oh, yeah, I had nothing to do with that.

- He's my best friend.
- That's true.

Yes. The camaraderie is quite apparent.

But Peter Gregory demanded a
lean, ruthless business plan.

And I don't think that the CEO of
Microsoft has a paid best friend.

- Sergey Brin does. Larry doesn't do shit.
- See?

What if Big Head is sort of like

a floating utility player?
Like a jack of all trades.

But by his own admission, he's
really more like a master of none.

That's true. That is true.

Which is not something you'd generally reward
with several points in what may some day be

a multi-billion dollar company.

This will never fly with Peter Gregory.

I would not want to be Richard right now.

Having to tell Big Head that he's out.

This is gonna sound super mean, but
the other night he was sleeping,

I was just staring at his face.
All I could think was,

"He's utterly useless."

Big Head is a man with zero purpose.

- Oh, hi. Hi, Big Head.
- Hey.

How's it going?

It's... super good... Right now.

Um, I'm just going to maybe
go for a bike ride real fast

and clear my... head.

I'll see... you.

- Bike safe.
- Yeah, enjoy it.

That was nice, guys. He heard everything.

That doesn't make it not true.

I mean, come on, Richard. As
far as Pied Piper is concerned,

he's as pointless as Mass
Effect 3's multiple endings.

I mean, he's a completely useless
appendage and we all know it.

- Oh, hey, man.
- Forgot my water bottle.

Just gonna grab it, and then probably
walk right back through one more time.

I mean, Mass Effect 3? Harsh.

I didn't mean for him to
hear it but it was true.

I mean, we all called him a great guy
but he didn't overhear any of that.

It's been 12 hours.

Goddamn. He's still not answering.

I'm actually kind of worried about him.

You know, if he's gone,
like, really truly gone,

in a way that kind of solves your problem.

I mean, like, if he's dead...

Are you trying to say that
Big Head might be dead?

That doesn't help at
all. How is that helping?

I'm just saying that that's a possible
thing that could've happened to him.

It could happen to anybody. And in this
case, at least something good came out of it.

What's the good part?

You don't have to have
an awkward conversation.

That's scary. Should we go look for him?

I mean, I agree with these guys.
Jared's just not working out.

- What?
- Um, Richard...

I, uh, don't wanna be too assertive here

but I could use your input on a
few things for the business plan.

Richie, you tried your best just call
him, leave a message, say he's out.

No, that's an asshole move.

Yeah, remember? You need to be an asshole.

I feel bad about saying that
thing about him being dead.

That's not who I am.

- Wait, what is that?
- That's impossible.

NipAlert isn't live yet.

Maybe he's demoing it for someone.

"Mochacino."

He rode his bike to San Jose?

Jared, can I borrow your car?

- Sure.
- I have a car.

What... What's wrong with my car?

I just have... I don't know.

All right, well, remember to be an asshole.

A real asshole.

Hi, I'm Richard Hendricks. You did
a dance... The dancing at my house.

Your ride's here.

Oh, hey, man.

- Hey.
- Mushroom stamp!

No, come on, dude, not...

I just wanted to work with
computers and get paid for it.

I didn't want end up fighting with
my roommates over percentage points.

So you're just gonna give up?

On what? This isn't home.

As much as I've tried, it's just not.

I mean, what would've I have even done
if I didn't have Mochacino's card?

Where would I have gone?
It's fucking pathetic.

Well, Mochacino seemed to like you.
She let you into her apartment.

I had to give her my bike. She's just
like everyone else in this goddamn Valley.

Watching the bottom line.
Fuck it, dude. I'm done here.

What about NipAlert?

Mochacino shows her tits for a living
and even she was uncomfortable using it.

She said it was sexist. She's
right. It's actually perverted.

I made a perverted, sexist, useless thing.

And, you know, everybody's right, man,

there's nothing for me to do on Pied Piper.

I think over time, maybe we
could redefine your role.

Come on, dude.

Unless you can tell me right now what I can
do for Pied Piper that no one else can,

I'm gone.

Yeah.

I'm going to go get the
stuff out of my cube at Hooli

and then I'm getting the
hell out of this town.

So this is goodbye then?

I mean, I'll see you back at the house,
man. I gotta, like, pack and stuff.

Totally.

I'm going to take the train I
think, just... Do some thinking...

Ok, all right, see ya.

- The train is this way... I just...
- Oh. I was gonna say.

Big Head...

Whatever shit you're about to dump on my head,
you can save it, ok? I'm not in the mood.

Dude, I just wanted to tell you that Gavin
Belson wants to talk to you about something.

- Oh, ok. Fuck you.
- No. Seriously.

Gavin Belson said he wants
to speak to Nelson Bighetti?

Yeah, that's what I just said.

Come on.

Ok.

I'm awake! I'm awake.

- What?
- No, no, I wasn't.

I was sleeping. I'm sorry for
sleeping and for lying about it.

For both. No good.

What happened? Did you fire Big Head?

Uh, no. Not yet. I don't know. Sort of.

So do I include him in the cap table
or not? It's basically good to go.

Uh... no, he's out. Uh,
wait... I don't know.

Actually, I just need to close
my eyes for a little bit. Ok?

Richard, it's t-minus four
hours until presentation time.

Are you gonna fire Big Head or not?

I don't know. Uh... I'm just very tired.

Ok? I'm just gonna go get some water...

Richard, stop being a fucking
pussy and start being an asshole.

Fine! You want me to be an
asshole, I'll be an asshole.

I'll be an asshole to you and you and
you and you and Peter-fucking-Gregory!

Ok? Fuck all of you. Big Head stays!

You know, if I wanted to be a sell
out I'd have done that already.

I'd be on a beach somewhere with
ten million dollars in my pocket.

Not in my pocket, in a bank account.

Ok? This is my company. It was
my idea and we do what I say.

And what I say is, Jared, put
Big Head in the business plan.

He gets the same amount of
shares as everybody else.

Big Head, you're not going home, man.

You're right. I'm not.

Gavin Belson just offered
me a huge promotion

for 600 grand a year to
steal me away from you guys.

- What?
- Yeah. For revenge. Because you took Jared.

So you're like the V.P. of spite?

But you have to do me a favor, Richard,

if you run into Gavin ever you have to
act really upset about it, you know?

Oh, but I am upset.

Ok? What the fuck? I kind of just
went out on a limb for you here, man.

Sorry, man, but this is huge for me.

I'm going to move out, get my own place.

In light of this new information,
who gets Big Head's equity?

Should I get half of his shares...?

I do. I get it.

Ok? I get all of it!

Big Head, man, congratulations
on the job, really.

But if you'll excuse me, I have to go
lock down a motherfucking business plan.

Jared, you're with me.

- What an asshole.
- Yeah. What an asshole.

Next.

- Hi. Deposit?
- Mmm-hmm.

Two hundred thousand
dollars from Peter Gregory?

Mmm-hmm.

Wow.

Sorry.

Hello?

Dude, they're taking your code apart.

What?

Did you give those brogrammer guys
access to a player download or something?

Oh shit. They probably hacked the prototype
and decompiled the compression library...

Well, they've got it now, man.

They're gonna reverse-engineer a version
as close as they can without getting sued.

Wait, wait, are you sure about this?

Yeah, dude, Gavin wants
to beat you to market.

He wants to make sure no other investor
in the Valley offers you a dime.

That is not good.

They're calling it Nucleus,
whatever the fuck that means.

Shit. Sorry, dude, I can't be
talking to you like this. Later.

Yeah.

"Nucleus"?

Excuse me. This check is made
out to "Pied Piper Incorporated."

Do you have an SS-4?

- A what?
- Is "Pied Piper" a corporation

registered with the IRS?

I can't deposit that
into a personal account.

I don't know.

Um... is that something
maybe you could help me with?

No, sir.

Buddy, come on.

Uh-huh. Yeah, yeah.

- Thank you.
- Sorry. Ok.

Next.

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