All language subtitles for home_improvement_S01E20

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Dad, when's this gonna
look like a birdhouse?

Soon, son. Very soon.
Remember, God is in the details,

and details are what makes me
a craftsman - and you a craftsboy.

- So, what are you making now?
- A fireplace.

A fireplace.

Yes. Even birds need a place
to put their bowling trophies on.

You know what?
I have some really cute little lace curtains

from an old dollhouse in the attic I was
saving for the daughter we never had.

No, no. This is a man's birdhouse.

The next thing we put in
is a leather recliner,

so that little bird can kick back,
put his thin little legs on the ottoman,

pick up the paper, read it, put it back
on the floor, and poop on the paper.

Well, you're the expert.

All right.

Mark, this has got to dry
for about 30 minutes,

and then we install the Jacuzzi.

You know, I could live in this house.

You got the legs for it.

Tim, I want your opinion
about a dress.

Save yourself. Run. Go now. Run!
It's too late for me. Get out of here! Go!

- I'll distract her.
- Very cute. Which dress do you like?

Either one.
They both look nice.

I don't wanna look nice.
I wanna look different.

Put 'em both on.
Go for that layered look.

Come on, Tim, I want to make
an impression at this opera fundraiser.

When are you going to
an opera fundraiser?

- We're going. Saturday night.
- Saturday night?

Yeah. I told you about this
Wednesday morning.

- No, you didn't.
- Yes, I most certainly did.

- You just weren't listening, as usual.
- Oh, wasn't listening.

Why don't you repeat these things?

Evey time you say something important,
you're walking out of the room.

"Honey, by the way, this is very important."

"The health of our family relies on this…
fa-fa-fa-fa-fa…

Saturday night."

Well, did you keep Saturday night open?

Why should I? I didn't know
what all that fa-fa-fa-fa-fa was.

- Why didn't you ask me?
- Why didn't you repeat it?

I'm repeating it now.
We're going.

- Oh, man!
- Oh, come on, Tim.

It's gonna be lovely. They're singing
highlights from The Barber of Seville.

A stage full of
300-pound porkers going,

I got a big haircut
I got a big haircut

They screwed up my bangs

You should have used conditioner
You should have used conditioner

We're going.

I almost forgot. Don't forget to pick up
the boutonniere and a corsage for… tomorrow!

I didn't hear you
I didn't hear you

Spring is around the corner, Al,
what do you look for ward to at springtime?

Turning my clock ahead, Tim.

You party animal, you, Al.

When most people think of spring,
they think of spring-cleaning.

And nothing more important
than cleaning your engine. Lisa?

What Al and Lisa are pushing out here
is the engine out of my wife's car.

Just kidding. This is a very filthy
5-liter V-8, chrome valve covers,

aluminum high-rise,
and a four-barrel carburettor.

- There you go, Tim.
- Thank you, Lisa.

After a long, hard winter, you wanna gap
your plugs, flush your dirty radiator clean,

- and make sure your hose doesn't leak.
- Let's not get too personal, Al.

first I wanna degrease this bad boy
using Binford's new Engine Clean.

It's perfect for home, auto and airplane.

All you gotta do is spray it on a hot engine,
rinse it off with ordinary tap water.

At this point
your wife may look at you going,

"What are you doing, cleaning
that dirty old engine, you dumb ox?"

"The floor needs cleaning."

At this point, usually
I take the hood and go: dink.

That's Tim Taylor,
care of Tool Time,

- P.O. Box 32733…
- Al, Al, Al.

I think the women know
that I'm just joshing.

And besides, why would a woman
look under the hood of a car?

We don't look
under the washing machine, do we?

That's P.O. Box 32733,

Detroit… MI.

Anyway, the way a man treats his machine
says something about the man.

It says pride - pride in workmanship,
and that's what it's all about.

You tell 'em, junior.

I like that enthusiasm.
Know what I'm talking about?

I sure do. Me and my partner here,
we've been building cars for 42 years.

- No kidding?
- No. It's true.

We were on the assembly line
at the Dearborn plant on Miller Road.

Let's talk to these mo American workers.
Let's get 'em down here. Come on, guys.

Come on.

- Hey, are we really on TV?
- Well, these aren't hair dyers, pal.

- Yeah, you're on TV.
- Do we get Tool Time hats?

Well, I don't have any with me, but…
Al, let's get mo hats for 'em.

Gentlemen, what are your names?

- I'm Hick Peterson.
- Hello, Hick. How you doin'?

- Eddie Phillips.
- Welcome to Tool Time. This is Al.

- We know Al.
- Oh, we love Al.

We all love Al.

Hey, Al, come on,
give us one of them big salutes.

Al, Al, Al, Al, Al…

Hey! Hey! Hey!

, .

I don't want to disturb
this love fest you have going here,

but let me remind you of something:
Al is my assistant. He assists me.

Gentlemen, what do you say
we sit down and chat a little bit?

All week long we've been doing
our salute to workmanship.

Who'd know more about that than you mo?
40-odd years on the line. What did you do?

Hick here was headlight alignment,
and I was rear bumpers.

from the beginning to the end. Cool.

42 years on the line, you must've
pushed out some good Detroit iron.

Let me ask you this. In all those years,
what was your favorite car?

- '55 Thunderbird.
- No doubt about it, the Bird.

ford's answer to the Corvette.
It was a mo-seater. It had…

- V-8 engine, 3-speed overdrive.
- front suspension, A-arms, coil springs.

With that power-to-weight ratio,
you could do zero to 60 in ten seconds.

A good grunt always cleans me out.

It must've been a great day,
watching that first T-Bird roll off that line.

Great day.
But they were all good days back then.

You know, we used to knock out
about 100 cars a day.

And after work, Hick and me,
we'd go down and have a stinky.

- Stinky?
- It's a sandwich.

My own invention -
Limburger cheese, sauerkraut,

big slice of Bermuda onion,
and some hot mustard.

Why don't you just lick a skunk?

And, Tim, they still make
a great stinky at…

down at Big Mike's Tavern
at fourth and Jefferson!

- Hey, that ought to take care of our tab.
- Yeah, right. Hi, Mike.

Big Mike's Tavern.
Boy, that sounds like a man's bar there.

You know it, junior.
Pool tables, dark wood, American beer.

We go there all the time,
fourth and Jefferson!

All right. That's all the time we have
for Tool Time this week.

Al, what do you say we give these mo
American workers a Tool Time salute?

Thank you.

And remember, men build machines,
they don't build themselves.

So next time you see
a '55 T-Bird, remember -

this is the face of the man
who installed that bumper,

and this is the face of the man
that aligned the headlights.

Remember, if you didn't put it together
with your own hands, it's not really yours.

See you next time on Tool Time.

- Hey, pea-brain, what are you doing?
- Getting a piece of bread to feed the birds.

You doofus. Birds don't eat bread.
They eat worms.

- You have to do what a mommy bird does.
- What's that?

Chew up the worms
and spit it into the baby bird's mouth.

Eww. I'm not eating any worms.

Well, if you want
the baby birds to starve…

- Maybe I could just eat one worm.
- Now you're talking.

- Hey, guys, where are you going?
- Outside to feed the birds.

I'm gonna chew up the worm,
just like the mommy bird.

No, you're not, Brad, Randy,
I believe you mo have homework to do.

Mark, just spread the bread around
for the birds, OK?

- Hi.
- Hi. How was your show?

Terrific. I heard about a new restaurant,
Big Mike's Tavern.

I thought we'd go down there this weekend.
What night would be good?

Forget it.
We are going to the opera fundraiser.

- Oh, man!
- Come here. I'm really excited.

I found the perfect thing to wear.
It's a little daring, but I think it's fun.

- A tuxedo?
- Yeah. What do you think?

What's so funny?

I've just never been out
with a maître d' before.

Why'd I bother to show you this?
You don't care about this fundraiser.

It's not that I don't care.

I'm just tired of you making
these big plans without telling me.

Hold on. This whole thing
was your idea in the first place.

- What?
- Yes.

Mrs Larson asked us
at church mo months ago,

- and you said, "Yeah, we'd love to come."
- I didn't mean that. I was being polite.

She thought you meant it. I thought you
meant it. You should say what you mean.

- Like you do.
- Yes, like I do.

Wasn't it you that said Mrs Larson looked
"just hideous" in that purple muumuu?

Well, she did look hideous.
She looked like a giant eggplant. So?

But when she comes over a second time,
you said, "Mrs Larson, you look lovely."

Why don't you say what you mean?
"You look hideous, you big fat muumuu."

She didn't ask me
if she looked hideous.

She asked you
if we were going to the fundraiser.

- You said yes, so she sent the tickets.
- Why didn't you just tell me?

I did tell you.
Tim, I told you three times.

I'm not stupid. If you'd told me three times,
I'd remember saying no three times.

- Are you saying you're not gonna go?
- No. This'll be the fourth time.

fine. I'll just put a dress under my tux
and take myself.

Here you go.
One brewski, one buttermilk.

A toast to Mike. Here's to your health
and to your happiness, sir.

- How about paying your tab?
- And to your fine generosity.

- That'll be $3.
- We take back our toast.

Hey, everybody, look who's here.
Tim "the tool man" Taylor.

- Hello, Tim.
- Hi, guys. Hi, everybody.

That's Mike over there, behind the bar.

- Hi, Mike. How you doing?
- Good to meet you, Tim.

Good to my word,
I brought you guys some hats.

Oh, man! Thanks a million.

We promised you a stinky.
Mike, fix him a nice big one.

- Coming right up.
- Mike, don't bother.

It's not gonna bother me.
I'm not the one eating it.

Hey, we're glad you dropped by.

You know, a bunch of guys we used to
work with are gonna be here tonight.

- Boy, would they love to meet you.
- I'd love to, but not tonight.

I believe my wife is dragging me to
the Michigan Opera Theater fundraiser.

- Don't do it.
- What?

Just put your foot down and say,
"Woman, I'm not going."

Now, you see, that's the attitude
that kept you a bachelor all your life.

Of course, your face
didn't help much either.

The ladies down at the senior center
don't seem to mind.

You should see me
at those Saturday night dances, boy.

- Sit down.
- All right, Eddie. Just for a minute.

So what if it's the opera?
Look on the good side of it.

You're gonna get to see your wife
all dolled up in a beautiful gown.

She wants to wear a tux.

I hate to see a woman
wearing pants.

You know, down at the senior center
I won't even dance with a woman

unless she's wearing nylons with
a nice seam right up the back of her legs.

Those aren't seams.
Those are veins.

My point is, Tim, that in the old days
women wore dresses.

And they hung onto your arm
on a Saturday night,

And they liked it
when you called them "dame".

I don't think Jill would like it
if I called her "dame".

Dame, doll, gal, babe -
whatever she likes.

That's good advice,
but I really do gotta get movin'.

- Hey, you haven't had your stinky yet.
- You have it.

- We haven't solved your problem yet.
- I came in with hats, not a problem.

Your wife's making you go someplace you
don't want to go, she wears men's clothes,

and you're telling us
you don't have a problem?

The problem is,

until yesterday, I don't think she ever
told me, "We're going to a fundraiser."

- That's a woman for you.
- The crazy thing is,

she tells me she said it three times,
and I know she didn't.

Women like to control men,
and they do it by confusing them.

By changing the rules around,
like wantin' to wear men's clothes.

Tim, you've got to fight confusion
with confusion.

You go home and you put on
one of her dresses.

You want this man to wear a dress?

Desperate times call for
desperate measures.

Don't listen to that old windbag.

Listen, I was married for 45 years,

and the one thing I learned was
that men and women are different.

It took him 45 years to figure that out.

All I'm saying is
that women are subtle.

Your wife probably told you
about this evening in her own way.

No. Absolutely not.
If she'd told me, I would have remembered.

Think, think. She never said
anything about a fundraiser?

No. She said,
"I'm gonna dry-clean your tuxedo,"

and something about
Saturday hors d'oeuvres.

But I mean written something down
on paper or a calendar?

Our calendar is circled on Saturday,
but all she wrote was "fur raisins".

fur raisins.

- Could that be "fundraiser"?
- Oh, no.

- Hi, Mom.
- Hi.

I thought you were gonna paint that
birdhouse stand when your dad got home.

I wanted it to be a surprise.

- How many coats of paint did you put on?
- 12.

Yeah.
He's gonna be real surprised.

Why don't you get cleaned up, and I'll
clean your brush out for you, all right?

OK.

Don't touch anything
on your way up, OK?

- Hey, Wilson.
- Hi-ho, lady neighbor.

- What are you doing over there?
- Just letting off a little bit of steam, Jill.

Nothing relaxes me more
than a good game of croquet.

- Can I ask you something?
- Step up to the wicket, Jill.

Do you think that Tim
is a good listener?

- Yes. I think Tim is a very good listener.
- Does he understand everything you say?

I think Tim is a very good listener.

I don't think he listens to me at all.

I told him about this event
that we're going to three times,

and he acts like
I never said anything.

I don't know how
I could have been clearer.

I told him
I was getting his tux cleaned.

I told him about the hors d'oeuvres
we were having Saturday night.

I even circled it on the calendar. I did
everything except sit him down and say,

"Tim, we are going to a fundraiser
Saturday night." Oh God, I never did that.

Oh, man!

I can't believe it.

All of this arguing,
and he was right.

Oh, no. I feel terrible. This is all my fault.
Well, I should apologize to him.

Thank you, Wilson.
You've really been a big help.

Somehow it's always
easier with Jill.

Honey, I'm so glad you're home.
I've got to tell you something.

- I've got something important to tell you.
- Let me go first.

- No, please, let me. Come on.
- All right.

I realized today that you probably
did tell me about this fundraiser.

Not outright, but in your subtle way,
you said it mo or three times.

When I'm not interested in something,
I don't pay attention.

It's my fault. I'm sorry, and I apologize.

- Thank you, sweetie.
- We'll have a good time.

Now, what were you gonna tell me?

Nothing.

- See ya, guys.
- Take it easy.

It was nice seeing Ziggy again.

- Boy, has he gone to the dogs.
- Yeah.

I hate it when a guy
doesn't keep himself up.

Hey! Look who's here.
I thought you had an event to go to.

Well, my wife and I
communicated and compromised

and decided to spend half the night at
the fundraiser and the other half with you.

- All right!
- And we're starving.

fix you up a couple of stinkies?

No. Still lovin' that one I had today.

- Just your shrimp plate and a big salad.
- You got it.

I'm sorry, guys.
Hick, Eddie, this is my wife, Jill.

Its a great pleasure
to meet you, my dear.

Why, thank you very much.

My, my, my, my, my.

I love a woman in a tuxedo.

I thought you said
you didn't like women in pants.

- Did I say that, junior?
- Yes.

Well, it's OK
if it's a glamor package like Jill here.

Well, thank you.

You are one classy dame.

- And you are trouble.
- And you know it.

How about tripping the light fandango
with me, if your husband doesn't mind?

You don't mind, do you, junior?

- Junior? No, go ahead.
- OK.

Watch his hands.

I got a step I do down at the senior center
I think you're gonna like.

Now, then.

How would you like to be in my will?

- Your wife certainly lights up a room.
- Yes, she certainly does.

I'm glad to see that
the mo of you worked things out.

Well, I don't know
how we worked things out. I apologized.

I just don't think
I'm ever gonna figure her out.

Don't.

You know,
I was married to Tildy for 45 years,

and this woman - God rest her soul -
used to drive me absolutely crazy.

She had these
ugly little porcelain cats

that she used to love
to line up on the window sill.

And every day for 45 years

I used to take those cats off the window sill
and put 'em in a cupboard.

And every day for 45 years

she'd take 'em out of the cupboard
and put 'em back.

- Where are they now?
- On the window sill.

- You didn't throw them out?
- What for?

You know,

you don't have to
understand a woman.

All you got to do is love her.

Hey. You get up there. Come on.

- Mind if I cut in?
- Is it all right with you?

Well, OK.

, .

I finished the birdhouse.
Look.

Tim, they're just sitting on the tree.
Why don't they go in?

He's thinking, "The house is way
too expensive. I'd have to win the lottery."

- "I cant pick up a ticket with claws."
- I don't think so.

He sees the Jacuzzi,
and fresh papers everywhere.

Nah. He's saying, "forget the papers.
Let's find a statue of Tim."

Oh, look, a cat.

Just kidding, fellas.

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