Original subtitles

That's it? Just press that?

Hello?

What... oh.

Hi. My name is Bobby Newport.

And as you can see, I'm in Switzerland

at my family's private fox hunting estate.

But I haven't caught any yet.

They're so fast.

You get close and it's like... zoom... they're gone.

Anyway, my friend Leslie Knope

asked me if I would read this message.

"Recently, the cast and writers of 'Parks and Recreation'

decided to reunite the cast

and make a one-time special to raise money

for people hurt by the coronas.

We, along with NBC Universal,

our neighbors at State Farm, and our friends at Subaru,

will be matching donations to Feeding America,

a non-profit organization

that helps people facing hunger all over the country.

Please visit the website and give if you can.

We hope you enjoy this 'Parks and Recreation' special".

What is she talking about?

Something going on?

I... I haven't watched the news lately.

What?

- Synced and corrected by Firefly - - www.addic7ed.com -

_

Hello, Congressman.

Hey, babe. How are you?

How are you is the question?

I know that shirt and it worries me.

The most incredible thing happened.

Okay, so today I'm cleaning the house.

I get dizzy from the cleaning supplies.

And then, I home-schooled the kids

but they don't learn anything because of the dizziness.

But then, I had the most amazing idea.

Do you remember this guy?

Oh, no.

Ahh. But here's the twist.

Do you also remember this?

Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Six words, babe.

"Cones of Dunshire..." the claymation movie.

The entire story just popped into my head.

This humble little nobody living his life,

walking around on a random Tuesday.

Ba, ba, ba, ba, ba.

When suddenly, he finds out

from an ancient scroll,

that he is actually...

The Ledgerman.

Honey, did you put all the caps

back on the cleaning supplies?

Now, the title is either

"Cones of Dunshire: The Ledgerman's Ascent",

or, of course,

"Cones of Dunshire: The Curse of the Arbiter's Prophecy".

Okay, honey. I'm gonna be here at work for a while.

I have to start the phone tree, and then I will be home.

Just hang in there. Keep it together.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. No... take your time.

I'm just gonna start writing a story...

Hello, Leslie.

I see you are contacting me again.

This is the system, Ron.

7:00 p.m. phone tree.

I call someone, and then they call someone else,

and we keep doing it until everyone has been reached.

This is the system. You got a better system?

Yes. We talk far less than that.

Or we just send each other a photo of ourselves

holding up today's newspaper to prove we're okay.

It's impossible to get everyone on the phone

at the same time, you know?

And talking is important, Ron.

We have to look out for our mental and emotional health.

This is the only mental health I need.

What are you doing? Are you in your cabin?

I am.

I come up here to hunt meat

so I don't have to go to the grocery store.

I've built up about a 12-year supply of venison jerky.

I can ship you some.

You'd probably have to get your incisor teeth sharpened.

Ew. No.

When you travel, are you practicing social distancing?

I've been practicing social distancing

since I was four years old.

Why are you at work?

Well, I shut down

every national park in my jurisdiction.

Sad but necessary.

And then I volunteered for several committees

to help us get through this.

Did you also create those committees?

I did! So many committees, Ron.

I'm chairing all of them. It's every girl's dream.

But, you know, between that and the kids,

I've only been getting two hours of sleep

instead of my usual four.

This morning, I put oatmeal on my fingernails

because I thought it was nail polish.

I gotta go.

Keep the phone tree going, Ron.

Who do I have to call

for my second face-to-face conversation?

According to today's random drawing,

you are calling... Garry.

Bully.

- Hey. - Hello.

You got us for the phone tree?

No, I got Garry, but I called you.

What are you wearing?

Andy and I put all of our stuff in garbage bags,

and every day I put on the first five random things I pull out.

Okay. Where's Andy?

Andy! Ron's on!

- Hey, Ron. - Where are you, son?

Why are you in another room?

Are you quarantining?

No, well, kinda.

I locked myself in the shed. I can't get out.

Why doesn't April let you out?

Oh, Ron.

Bert Macklin, FBI,

does not need anyone to help him escape

a measly shed.

How long have you been in there?

Two days. I'm pretty hungry.

Well...

I am going to go now.

Wait... who are we supposed to call next?

I suppose you should call Garry.

Okay.

No [BLEEP] way we're calling Garry, right?

No. Gross.

No.

April Ludgate! Andy Dwyer!

Hi, guys.

Ann Perkins, my beautiful wife.

- Hi. - Why are you guys not together?

Chris?

Did you lock yourself in the shed?

Probably?

I think that's pretty common these days.

Actually, Andy, as I've explained to you several times,

Ann has gone back to work as a nurse.

So out of an abundance of caution, she is isolating

in the southeast part of the house

while the kids and I are in the northwest,

AKA the living room.

- Hi, honey! - Hi, babe!

I'm just helping with out-patient care.

Gotta do what we can.

Chris is donating blood four times a week.

Oh, good for you, man.

Who are you giving it to?

Just kind of... whoever wants it?

"Trade with the Postmates guy" kinda thing?

I used to date that guy.

Oh, no! Andy.

The CDC asked me to donate

because I am extremely healthy.

My red blood cells are so big,

you can see them with the naked eye.

They're like cherry Froot Loops!

And my blood type is just positive.

They've designated him a super-healer.

So far, it's just Megan Rapinoe,

him, and a panther at the Miami zoo.

Okay. Well, gotta go.

Uh, remember, everybody.

Wash your hands and throw all your jewelry in a ditch in the backyard.

Good-bye.

Hi, everyone. I'm here now.

Hi, Leslie. Bye, Leslie.

One of you has to call Garry now.

Haaaaah.

I know were not my designated call,

but I had two minutes before my next meeting,

and I just wanted to say hi and that I love you

and I miss your beautiful face

and your beautiful voice and I'm worried about you.

Oh, thank you.

Oh. You were talking about Ann.

Okay.

I'll go now.

Hey. How are you?

I'm okay. You know?

Chris has been a real trooper.

He's working from home,

and he's doing everything with the kids.

How is he exercising?

Well, we did have a Stairmaster

but he's been working out so much

that now it's just a smooth ramp.

We should call Garry, right?

No, thanks.

Hello.

Or should I say, "selamat pagi",

as they say here in Bali?

The hell?

His book tour got cancelled,

and it was supposed to end with a trip to Bali

for him and Lucy.

How are you, Tom?

I haven't gotten you on the phone tree for like a week.

Amazing.

Just, uh, blitzing some entrepreneurial ideas.

What do you think about this?

- Double-breasted pajamas. - No.

Protective masks with other people's teeth printed on them.

Stay safe and look fresh as hell

with Timothée Chalamet's smile?

That's just weird.

Teeny tiny iPads for each finger?

Dumb.

Lasagna...

that's also toilet paper?

Yeah, I might be going a little stir-crazy.

Some of these came to me during my 11:00 p.m. nap.

Isn't it weird time has no meaning anymore?

Ooh. Is that something?

A clock with dials that just move randomly?

Hang in there, Tom.

Let's keep this phone tree going, okay?

Yep, yep. Who am I calling?

Garry.

I'm not calling Garry.

What up? What up?

Tommy! Oh, damn.

- Are you in Bali? - You know it.

Hold on. I gotcha.

Oh, snap. My friend Donna's here too?

I'll cheers to that.

Clink.

So, how's it going? How's Joe?

I'm good. Joe's good.

School is all online now, so he's teaching from home.

Tom, have you ever witnessed someone

trying to teach a group of young children something?

Nope.

Based on my experiences playing Fortnite,

children are terrifying

and make you cry almost immediately.

It's terrible. The man is a saint.

The job is impossible.

And every teacher deserves

a brand-new Mercedes after all this.

Except for Joe, of course, 'cause

you know I already got him a Mercedes.

Oh, damn. Does it match yours?

What you think? Clink.

So who do I get next on the phone tree?

Well, I'm sorry, boo-boo.

I hate to ruin your beach buzz...

Ugh. Okay.

Vacation over. Bye, babe!

Wait, wait, wait. Hold on.

I got an idea.

Okay. Call him now.

Okay.

Well, hello there, Donna.

Hey, Tom sent me this meeting number,

and said Brené Brown was giving an emergency TED talk.

Oh, [BLEEP], Garry.

You're not Brené Brown.

Aww.

It's great to see you too, Leslie.

So what's new, Mayor Gergich? How's Pawnee doing?

Uh, well, not bad.

But I will tell you, some people really fought me

when I had to cancel the Annual Pawnee Popsicle Lick 'N Pass.

Very weird tradition. Why did we ever do that?

Hold on a second.

I got some frosting in my ear thing.

Okay.

Garry, you're a dog.

Oh, well.

Gayle has called me that a few times over the years.

Ew, no. Stop.

She means that you're literally a dog.

You put a dog filter on your head.

Oh, shoot. Okay, hold on.

Um, yeah. Just turn that off.

Mm-kay. Is that better?

I mean, you can see the screen too, right?

That's clearly not better.

- Geez Louise. - Okay, Garry.

Ben and I are doing a media blitz

to give people an update on where things stand.

So, I don't know. Maybe we could

add in some Pawnee outlets. You know?

And remind people about the official health guidelines

and how important it is to stay connected.

That would be awesome.

It is just so important that

the people hear from their trusted leaders.

You know in a... in a crucial time

and a crucial moment in our history bec...

I'm sorry.

I'm just getting a little emotional.

Welcome to "At Home With Joan".

I'm your host, Joan Callamezzo.

Today's guests are former Pawnee City Councilwoman

and current Deputy Director

of the Department of the Interior,

Leslie Knope.

Hi, Joan.

And her houseboy, Ben Wyatt.

Um, I'm actually a member of the House of Representatives,

a Congressman.

Whatever sex fantasy works for you two.

I'm not here to judge.

So, Joan, during this tough time,

we just wanna make sure

that people in Pawnee and across Indiana

are making use of every available resource for support.

I agree with that.

Times like these remind me

of why I got into news.

People need a voice that they can trust.

♪ Especially ♪

♪ One with the voice of an angel ♪

♪ A legend among icons ♪

Uh, Leslie and I just wanna make sure

that people are focusing on their mental health

as well as their physical health.

Especially those who live alone.

People who've spent a lot of time on their own

without human contact.

Do you have someone you can talk to, Joan?

Yes. A few years ago, I accused Jennifer Lopez

of stealing my look,

and I got into quite a back and forth with her attorney.

No. Friends, Joan.

Look around.

I'm surrounded by friends.

Every night, I do a show for them

called "Joan on Joan for Joan".

I recount legendary Joan Callamezzo moments

like how I scored my EGOT.

- You have an EGOT? - Yes.

I've been banned from all four ceremonies.

That's it for today.

The show is two minutes long now.

All right. Byeee.

Hi. I'm Dennis Feinstein.

And if you're anything like me in these uncertain times,

you're searching for a new scent or musk

that also repels and eradicates

any and all viruses.

Introducing Miracle Cure,

the cologne proven to kill anything

it comes in contact with.

How do I know that?

Because every single animal

that smelled it, tasted, or ingested it

died.

And what are viruses but tiny animals

that live in your body?

I know what you're thinking.

Shouldn't this be tested out by "scientists",

or looked at by "doctors"?

No. You should listen to me,

Dennis Feinstein, and my rich friends.

We know what's best for you.

Miracle Cure.

Welcome to "Ya' Heard? With Perd".

I'm Perd Hapley,

the Perd I mentioned a second ago

when I was telling you the name of my show.

Now, here today are two people

who are also my guests.

Leslie Knope from the Department of the Interior

and Congressman Ben Wyatt.

- Hi, Perd. - Hey, Perd. How are you?

I guess my first question is more of a query.

What did you want to talk about?

Well, Perd, self-quarantine can create a lot of anxiety.

It's important that we keep in touch with friends,

we go on walks with loved ones,

maybe explore a creative side.

I, for example, am polishing a script

that just may be the most ambitious Claymation epic...

But... but... but... but... but what my husband

I think is trying to say

is that, you know, by any means possible,

we should try to stay connected with each other.

I can't talk to my friends every day,

but I try to check in with my best friend, Ann,

who is smart and beautiful like a desert fox.

That sounds scary.

She's actually volunteering as a nurse right now in Michigan.

Which is another way that people can feel useful. You know?

Please donate your time, your money, your expertise

in any way you can.

We need everyone's help.

You heard it here first, ladies and gentlemen.

And the "it" that you heard

was the things that these people just said.

Now, a word from our sponsors.

Hello.

I'm Dr. Jeremy Jamm.

This is a very stressful time for all of us.

And I'm sure you're all thinking the same thing.

How am I, Dr. Jeremy Jamm,

doing right now?

Well guess what. I'm doing great.

Gave myself this pretty sweet quarantine haircut.

Totally nailed it.

I'm also offering a brand new service...

Home Dental Delivery.

You give me your credit card.

I drop off at your house a bunch of needles,

gauze pads, drills.

And then we'll get on the computer.

I'll walk you through your, uh, your root canal

or whatever you got going on.

Is it legal? Probably.

Is it safe? That's up to you.

You eff this up, it's your own fault.

Jamm Orthodontia.

Now you can Jamm yourself.

Ooooo-OOOOOOO!

Well, hello.

Where have you been hiding, you sexy little beast?

It's your boy, Jean Ralphio.

And guess who just got run over by a Porsche?

This dude did not wanna go to court.

So I am flush with cash.

Saturated with bills.

First thing I did?

Obviously, I got this enormous house.

There is no furniture in here,

so everything echoes!

Second thing I did with the racks on racks on racks...

I got some commercial time.

Now I know what you're thinking.

"Does he have a business?

"No, he doesn't have a business.

So what is he advertising?"

Sha-boosh.

This is my personal phone number.

Call me anytime you want.

I am that bored.

And also, I have been banned from Cameo.

♪ For doing my videos naked ♪

♪ Naked ♪

Please call me.

I am very sad.

And we are back.

Now, I understand you brought another guest

who is someone who is not either of you.

That's right, Perd. Someone who used to be

a very popular children's performer in Pawnee.

Jaaa, Johnny Karate!

Whaa! Haaah!

We asked Johnny to come on your show

and speak to the children of Pawnee.

Chuuh. That's right, children.

Listen, I know things are weird now.

You're at home. You...

miss school. Ha!

How strange is that? You actually miss school.

Your parents are home as well,

and they're trying to teach you

and it turns out they can't teach you jack

because they are so dumb.

Well, kids, Johnny Karate wants you to know

you must stay strong

and be nice to your parents.

Also...

chh, chh... these... wash them.

Wash your hands.

And I know what you're thinkin'.

I'm a 38-year-old man, and I've literally

never once washed my hands in my entire life.

Andy, have you never washed your hands before?

Point is, if we pull together,

you and I

can karate... chop...

this... virus! Whhhh!

Things will go back to normal.

They just have to, and...

it might not be today.

It might not be tomorrow.

It might not be next week.

Might not be a year or a hundred years

or a thousand years.

It might never happen.

Dude.

But it will eventually.

Boys, girls, this is Johnny Karate

signing out.

Chhha! Waai-chi-iii!

Ohh...

Oh, when I did the kick, I pulled something kinda...

Johnny, we can still see you.

Oh, right in my butthole.

Thank you, Johnny Karate

for that very inspiring and confusing message.

I am now gonna close this little box that you're in

and look at some funny photos of doggies.

What?

Ron? Where are you? I can't see you.

Good evening, Leslie.

Wow, you're really taking

that protective gear suggestion to heart.

We're just dealing with a little bit of an incident.

Earlier this evening, Diane and I

took a hike through the woods to take in the sunset

from atop a nearby crest.

Okay. That sounds nice.

It was. Unfortunately, upon our return,

we discovered that a particularly nasty

little forest varmint had broken into the cabin.

- What?! - Hi, Leslie.

Oh, my God, is that Tammy 2?

Yep. Apparently, she's been camping outside this whole time,

waiting for just the right moment to strike.

I think her intention was to join us in our marital bed...

- Mm-hmm. - Eew!

And then, what, wrap a piano wire around my throat?

Uh-uh-uh!

Oh, apparently...

- not my throat. - Ha ha ha ha!

What? Eew! Eew-eew-eew!

In any case, I subdued her rather easily

and Diane tied her to this chair.

We were in the middle of sterilizing the place

with bleach when you called.

What are you gonna do with her?

I'll probably put a note around her neck

and leave her down at the fire station.

- How are you holding up? - Not so great.

You know, I just feel guilty that I can't check in more.

You can't? You forced us all into a daily phone tree.

But I can only talk to one person at a time.

And sometimes those people are talking to each other

without me... it's torture!

Ohh, okay, I have to take that.

All right... I love you. I'll talk to you tomorrow.

Just make sure you call the next person.

Hey. Who were you supposed to call this time?

I don't care.

I have an idea, and I need your help.

'Kay.

_

- Hi. - Hey. So I've been

reading over my screenplay...

- And it's nonsense? - Yeah!

I mean, I don't even remember writing some of this.

I think I need to pay more attention

to my mental and emotional health.

Me too.

Oh, okay, hold on.

- I'm getting another call. - Oh, uh, merge it.

Trust me.

- Hey! - Hey!

Hey, guys!

What's going on here?

Oh, my God, oh, my God!

It finally happened!

Leslie, you said you needed something

to lift your spirits, so Andrew...

take it away.

♪ Up in horsey heaven ♪

♪ Here's the thing ♪

Every time with this song.

Wyatt!

- Here we go. - ♪ Trade your legs for angel's wings ♪

♪ Once we go all said good-bye ♪

This is a long song.

Shut up, Ben!

♪ You take a runnin' leap and you learn ♪

♪ To fly ♪

♪ Bye-bye little Sebastian ♪

♪ Miss you in the saddest fashion ♪

♪ Bye-bye, little Sebastian ♪

♪ You're 5,000 candles in the wind ♪

I'm gonna run out my entire battery.

♪ Though we all miss you every day ♪

♪ We know you're up there eatin' Heaven's hay ♪

♪ And here's the part that hurts ♪

♪ The most ♪

♪ Humans cannot ride ♪

♪ A ghost ♪

Everybody sing it now!

♪ Bye-bye, little Sebastian ♪

♪ I miss you in the saddest fashion ♪

♪ Bye-bye ♪

♪ Little Sebastian ♪

♪ You're 5,000 candles ♪

♪ In the wind ♪

♪ Maybe some day we'll saddle up again ♪

♪ I know I'll always miss ♪

♪ My horsiest friend ♪

♪ Spread your wings and fly ♪

♪ Spread your wings and fly ♪

Oh, that was amazing!

Someone needs to stop me before I accidentally say

this is the best month of my life.

Thank you, everyone.

- Bye! - Bye, everyone.

Bye! Bye, best friends!

Bye-bye!

Thank you very much for doing this for me, Ron.

It was easy. I just called all your friends

and told them I thought you needed a little help.

They cleared their schedules.

I miss you very much, and I love you.

Now, go take Tammy to the fire station.

We actually just covered her in deer fat

and left her out for the wolves.

- Ron! - Don't worry.

She's fine. She chewed through her ropes

and went running off into the night.

I'm actually a little worried for the wolves.

Leslie... don't spend all your time

looking after other people.

Look after yourself once in a while.

That's good advice. I'll call you tomorrow.

I'm sure you will.

Leslie, can you help me fix my computer?

Damn it, Garry!

Thank you for watching, everyone,

and if you can, please donate to Feeding America

at the website below

or any other charity that supports

front line healthcare workers, food insecure people,

or citizens in need.

And if you need to talk to someone,

contact the National Alliance on Mental Illness

at nami.org

or any other organization designed to help us

through this tough time.

Stay safe and hang in there. We love you.

- We love you. - Stay safe.

God bless you, stay safe.

- Stretch! - Stay healthy, stay sane.

This is... kind of weird.

- Synced and corrected by Firefly - - www.addic7ed.com -