Original subtitles

Subtitles by explosiveskull www.OpenSubtitles.org

[birds chirping]

♪

♪

JOEY NARRATOR: Looks like mom has been here...

always with the expected.

♪

♪

JOEY NARRATOR: Seems like it was just

the last day of third grade

when we started our tradition of ice cream

and a trip to the museum.

How crazy that it's the last day of tenth

and you aren't here.

How are you?

Kind of an unusual spot.

Or do you spend a lot of time in cemeteries?

Yeah.

Dead people don't ask you how you're doing all the time.

♪

JOEY NARRATOR: Anyway, sounds like I'm off to Mimi

and Papa's for the summer.

I would rather be anywhere else.

[sighs]

I can't believe I won't be able to visit you every day.

[Mercury's Antennea's "Beneath the Serene" playing]

♪ What are you looking for? ♪

♪ Our hearts ♪

♪ Our fears wrest away ♪

♪

♪ Taking breath ♪

♪ And scan the skies ♪

♪

♪ Lost amidst the rubble ♪

♪ Drifting to a horizon ♪

♪

♪ Why? Why? ♪

♪ Our fears don't say goodbye ♪

♪

Yeah, it's totally not creepy

that you're just sitting here all by yourself

staring at everyone.

Wanna join us?

Come on!

JOEY NARRATOR: Molly's trying so hard

to include me... and, no,

I still have nothing in common

with Shelley and the Karens,

even though we've been in school together forever.

MOLLY: Hey, kids. What's the latest?

We were just discussing our fabulous summer plans.

Joey, does your family still go

to the San River every summer?

Oh, my mom's on this book tour this year,

so we probably won't make it.

So, you're just going to hang out with your pops then?

Shut up, Shelley!

No, I'm the girl whose dad died, remember?

So, you're really going to abandon me this summer?

Marissa is the one abandoning me

for her stupid book tour.

My dad's body is practically still warm.

- Too dark? - A little.

Hey, congrats on those stellar PSAT scores!

You'll be writing your own ticket to college

- if you keep that chiz up. - Thank you, Mr. Gately.

You guys joining the other kids for the big tailgater?

Yeah, I'm not really

in the mood for date rape tonight, so...

Okay, well, have a great summer.

JOEY: Thanks, Mr. Gately. Too dark?

So, you're going to the party with me tonight?

You are the worst best friend ever.

MOLLY: You're gonna love me for it.

Aaron's gonna be there, and he and I are, like,

meant to be together forever.

I wouldn't want to interfere with destiny.

- See you later. - Right. Bye.

- [bell rings] - [kids cheering]

JOEY NARRATOR: Like you said, the best day of school

is the last day of school.

Not exactly thrilled

to be hanging out with the old folks this summer,

but at least I won't be here.

Mom?

Marissa?

[coughs]

Is there a dinner?

Dinner? Right. Um, Pizza?

- Again? - No dishes.

I really want to come home to a clean house.

Great! I'm not hungry.

- Are you packed? - JOEY: Thinking about it.

[phone beeping]

[sighs]

Anything else?

I put a fresh bouquet on Daddy's grave today.

JOEY: I know.

Oh, you took the flowers out of the vase?

Is that a problem?

Well, they won't last as long.

If you wanted them to last long,

you wouldn't have cut them.

CARISSA: Well, we're not going to be here

to enjoy them this summer.

So, I thought Daddy might like them.

As if Daddy can even see them.

- What are you doing? - Packing.

Well, what are you looking for?

Sweatshirt.

Molly and I are going out tonight.

When are you going to be home?

The question isn't when, dear Carissa, it's if.

♪

MOLLY: Oh, my God. He's coming over here.

Act like I just said something really funny.

I know, right?

AARON: Hi Molly, having a good night?

Hi Aaron. You know Joey, right?

AARON: Yeah. We had chem together, right?

I'm surprised you remember.

You never said a single word to me.

So, who wants a drink?

I'd love one, thanks.

Okay.

BRB.

- Better stay right there. - I promise I won't leave.

Is this seat taken?

Yeah, Molly's coming right back.

Are you sure about that?

To the best summer ever.

You know, You're not the only one

who doesn't like coming at these.

Do I fill my nose?

Yeah, they look miserable.

Aaron, this is a total no-fun zone,

- come back to the party! - AARON: All right.

Sorry about your dad, Joey.

Peace out, bitches.

Joey, stop that.

What will people think?

Dad would have thought that was funny.

[phone beeps]

You ready?

Thank you.

♪

♪

CARISSA: Mom? Dad?

You came through my vagina. You can come through the door.

We discovered juicing. That's good.

- JOSEPH: There my girls! - Hey Joseph!

- Hi Papa! - JOSEPH: Sweetie!

Power boost for the road!

Beets, kale and pinch of psyllium husk.

What? It's good for the colon.

I hope your seated on the aisle.

MARGARET: So you're coming with us, Joey?

I'm not a fan of airport goodbyes.

I'll check in with you when I get to JFK, all right?

I'm at a loss.

Don't worry, we'll take good care of her.

She is our favorite granddaughter after all.

I'm your only granddaughter.

We'll see you in August for our 40th?

- That's the plan. - Okay.

So, who wants to do drugs?

Hot acid.

A little cocaine made.

Maybe I should settle away

and before you hit the hard stuff.

You're very reasonable for a teenager.

♪ No one tells you, you just know ♪

♪ Branches sway but leaves don't fall ♪

♪

- I rule! - Ugh.

I don't think I need to play another round

of miniature golf for quite some time.

You're just sore 'cause I beat you.

Yeah, miniature golf is pretty lame.

No, actually, you're quite good.

Give your old Mimi a run for her money.

You should know that your grandmother

is the miniature golf champion of the family.

You guys are cute. Mom and Dad were just like you.

So, Joey, you have a boyfriend?

Well, haven't found the right guy yet?

Oh, Joseph, maybe she's a lesbian.

That's okay!

A lot of kids are gay these days.

Jesus, I'm not a lesbian.

[gasping, giggling]

Let's go!

You guys are a little too cool, it's freaking me out.

Good afternoon, Roy.

Hello, Joseph. Hello, Margaret.

You got your granddaughter?

This is Joey, stuck with us all summer.

Poor sucker.

ROY: Victor is back with us again.

Who knows how long this time?

But why so glum?

[whispering] He's gone goth.

JOSEPH: Well, I don't know what that means,

but it doesn't sound good.

We'll see you for cards tomorrow night?

Looking forward to it.

Joey! Joey!

Grandpa and I are heading over to the Irelands' for cards.

Hello!

- Hello! - What?

We play late.

So don't wait up.

Ugh, you crazy kids.

What will I ever do with you? Whoa!

Oh, okay. What are you doing?

Why don't you jump on my bike

and tear through the neighborhood, okay?

Good girl.

[sighs]

♪

♪

♪

Shit!

ROY: Hello, young lady.

- Joey? - What are you doing here?

Is everything OK? Where are you going?

Victor, honey!

Someone's here to see you.

Victor, this is our granddaughter, Joey.

She's spending the summer with us.

Lucky Joey,

You know you have the coolest grandparents ever, right?

And your mom's like, that famous novelist, yeah?

I'm sorry, I thought I saw something.

I'm leaving now.

MARGARET: Nice to see you, Joey.

What is it all about?

ROY: Good question.

Hey, wait up!

- Wait. - Okay, I know what I saw.

Your window was open

and pretty music was blasting out of it,

so It couldn't help but notice.

Next time you attempt suicide,

you might wanna try turning your lights off!

You liked my music?

What?

The music I was playing, you said you liked it.

Uh, yeah, it was sad and beautiful.

Two great tastes that taste great together.

I'm sorry I scared you.

I was just doing one of my performance pieces.

A performance? For who?

For myself. Who else?

What?

Well, I can't come in.

And why not?

A vampire has to be invited into a mortal's home.

I thought everyone knew that.

OK, whatever. Just come on in.

VICTOR: Got any beer?

JOEY: Uh... root beer?

Adorable.

So, if you're a vampire, shouldn't you be drinking blood?

You know, I'm not really a vampire.

But don't tell my grandparents, they're the real vampires.

Wait, I'm not following.

You're not really a vampire, but your grandparents are?

Imagine their disappointment

when they find out I am only a goth.

You wanna make out?

Err, I'm good. Thanks.

What does your room look like?

Wow, so tidy!

You're not a serial killer, are you?

Because I saw this show

and serial killers tend to be very clean.

Well, I am not a serial killer.

Well, I guess I won't know until it's too late.

Nice. Firm.

Not half bad taste in music.

Um, you are very smug, you know that, mister?

If by smug you mean awesome,

you'd be correct, young lady.

Got any pot?

Yeah, right.

Oh, I've never done drugs.

Well...

there's a first time for everything, isn't there?

Do... do you mind taking that outside?

I just don't want my grandparents thinking

I'm some kind of drug addict.

Smoking a little grass hardly makes you a drug addict.

Here.

[phone chiming]

Impressive timing.

You know, it's very impolite

to turn down another person's weed.

Okay.

He looked at the girl, aimed the pistol...

and fired a bullet through his right temple.

He freaking shot himself.

Okay wait, so he just kills himself, and then it ends?

That is so messed up.

We're dying from the moment we're born, poodle.

It's best that you accept that now.

Oh, my God.

Is it really that late? Where are my grandparents?

I'm telling you, there are vampires over there.

Should we eat some more?

I'm thinking yes.

VICTOR: Great.

Did I scare you?

Good!

♪

We were wondering

when you were gonna come back to life.

What time is it?

Almost noon.

You kids had fun last night?

I should ask you two the same thing.

Last time I checked,

it was 2:00AM and you still hadn't made it home.

Whoa. Does he do that often?

Do what, dear? What?

Breakfast is served.

Of course, it's almost lunch, but, what the hell?

Really? Is the nakedness necessary?

He isn't naked, dear. He's wearing an apron.

So, what are you doing today? Any plans?

Victor and I thought that it would be fun to hang out.

You look really beautiful.

I look really awkward.

But in a really attractive way.

Oh!

Think of it as an advance on your inheritance.

Have fun tonight!

Thank you, Papa.

Hi, Mr. Ireland, uh, is Victor home?

You know, I think he just went to the coffee shop.

Really?

We were supposed to hang out together.

He went to get coffee.

He went for coffee.

Are you excited about the fourth?

I hadn't really thought about it.

You're an American, aren't you?

Well, yes, I'm an American,

but the fourth seems a little bit far off.

It's around the corner. I just got back from Tijuana

with this little baby.

Now, if the cops come knocking, you ain't seen nothing.

Oh, okay.

Well, have a good day, Mr. and Mrs. Ireland.

Strange girl.

- [phone chiming] - CARISSA: There you are.

Can't talk now, Mom. Gotta run.

♪

[indistinct restaurant chatter]

Victor?

Hi, hey, there.

Hey, everyone, have you met

my new friend, Joey? Joey, this is Pen,

and this is her boyfriend, Cobb.

Hi. Pen and Cobb are those nicknames

or something?

Pen is an adult female swan.

Cobb is an adult male swan.

Did you guys know that swans mate for life?

Course we know that, don't we, beloved?

Pen and Cobb have made a blood vow

to be together forever.

See, they have phials of each other's blood

around their neck.

Isn't that romantic?

Sure.

When he dies, I will take my own life immediately

and he will do the same for me if I pass on

to the next world before him. We'll be together in this life

and in the hereafter.

If there is a hereafter.

Of course, there is a hereafter.

Positively can't wait for the hereafter.

But what if we're already dead?

And this is the hereafter.

I love you exquisitely twisted mind, you know that?

You ditched the grandparents this afternoon.

A person can only play so much canasta, really.

I love canasta.

Victor, can I talk to you in private for a second?

Sure.

What's up?

It's just that I... I thought we were gonna hang out,

you know, together.

Jesus, Joey, I'm really shocked.

We didn't even have sex last night,

- you're already so possessive. - JOEY: No, no.

I mean, you stalked me all the way here,

and now I hear you give me a guilt trip about meeting up

with my friends?

I wasn't stalking you, I just thought

- that we were gonna hang on. - Joey, relax.

I'm just kidding.

I didn't have your number in my phone,

so I thought you'd figure out to meet me here.

But you're really sweet, you know that, right?

What?

It's just your outfit is really bringing me down.

It's time to freshen things up a little bit,

and by "freshen," I mean change every single thing

about the way you look.

Will this help?

Pen, Cobb, emergency makeover.

♪

Back off, bitch, Eliza Doolittle's mine.

♪

You'll be a new woman once I'm done with you.

♪

PEN: [shouting]

She gets really moved by makeovers.

♪

Just one last thing.

Okay.

Look at this pair of WOBs.

WOBs?

Wearers Of Black, like you now.

What's a great color on you ladies! Very slimming.

What the hell!

How's our girl?

We went shopping.

This is no time for small talk,

your whole life is about to change.

Thank you.

Should we be worried?

They're teenagers. Yes.

JOEY: Okay. Oh, these are nice!

We should dye this.

What do you think?

Utterly lugubrious.

The Utterly Lugubrious.

What do you think of that for our band name?

VICTOR: Check this out.

Oh, my God, my mom is gonna kill me.

It's awesome, I love it.

Like this?

JOEY: You can do that? Oh... [coughs] Oh, God.

You look like the bride of Frankenstein.

Hot.

MALE VOICE ON PHONE: Hey. See you at 8:00?

I don't think I'm gonna make it tonight.

Close your eye.

♪

You know, there's no going back now, right?

♪

Wow! You guys going to a funeral?

Why? Do you happen to know of any good ones?

We're off to a party, you guys.

We'll get her home safe. Promise.

Did you see what that boy did to our Joey?

Yeah. It finally looks like she's having some fun.

Uh...

VICTOR: Wait.

I want you...

...to be perfect.

Hey, Joey, give me your phone.

JOEY: Okay.

Now, uh, press play when we get to the party.

Trust us.

[music playing on phone]

♪

I love this song. Let's dance.

[music playing on phone]

Doesn't it seem sort of wrong

to be dancing on someone's grave?

I've got a secret for you, kiddo:

they're already dead, they won't even know.

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

The stars look amazing.

You look amazing.

You are amazing.

You need to reapply, poodle.

Well, well, if it isn't a Goth convention?

Not again.

Oh, hey, newbie! Nice lipstick.

Very fetching.

Aww, don't you two make a cute couple?

Don't touch me, man!

Victor, your girlfriend says I stop touching her.

I'm not his girlfriend.

You hear that, Victor?

She says she's not your girlfriend.

How does that make you feel?

Oh, I was just having a little fun.

Am I making everyone uncomfortable?

VICTOR: Why don't you just leave?

ANTONIO: You weren't even going to be here.

Hate the cemetery, nothing but goths and dead people.

Hey, you know what would be really convenient?

If I just killed all of you and buried you here.

PEN: Just get out of here.

I mean...

...you're a Goth now.

You goths can't wait to die.

Stop it, you're hurting me.

Who's gonna make me?

PEN: Antonio, stop.

Try me.

Damned goths, I should bury all of you.

Punk bitch.

JOEY: Victor, just let him go.

What did you just say to me?

[grunting, struggling]

COBB: Antonio!

Enough!

Let's go!

JOEY: Why are punks such animals?

You okay? That was such a buzzkill.

Come on. I wanna show you something.

♪

♪

I like to think of this as my summer home.

Let's stay here all night and we can get up

and watch the sunrise.

Is everything okay?

Um, I guess I'm just still a little freaked

with the whole scene with Antonio maybe.

You're a virgin, aren't you?

What? Well, yeah, technically.

Technically?, yeah, you're a virgin.

I guess I just need to slow things down a little.

Okay?

Sure. I get it.

[phone beeping]

Oh, my God, what time is it?

My grandparents are gonna kill me.

- You coming? - VICTOR: Curse the light.

MARGARET: Are you just now getting in?

Yeah, I was hanging out at Victor's late last night

and I guess we fell asleep.

JOSEPH: We were over there until late last night

and, uh, we didn't see you there.

Are you going to tell us what really happened?

Okay. Victor and I went to a party

at the old cemetery and we kind of fell

asleep together in a tomb.

But it's cool, nothing happened, it was totally PG.

Was your phone stolen while you were sleeping?

Whatever, okay?

I go to one lousy party and I get interrogated.

Ouch!

What did you that for?

Because I can legally beat the crap...

beat any sense into you.

Next time send a text, young lady.

You know how to text?

Nah.

[phone beeping]

VICTOR: Say something and I will get back to you.

Maybe.

OMG! What did you do to your hair?

I met a boy.

Okay, obviously, I need the Lydia Deetz.

What?

Who is he? I mean he has to be a good kisser

to make your hair change colour like that.

You are really out of control, you know that?

I miss you.

I'm only 45 minutes away, I should just come over.

I would love that, you can meet Victor.

Ooh! He sounds like trouble.

I think he might be. We spent the night together

- in a tomb. - Okay, that is totally creepy,

and I'm totally there.

Okay, sweet. See you soon.

I'll check on my parentals

and I'll get back to you.

Later, Lydia.

♪

[phone beeping]

FEMALE VLOGGER: Hello there, YouTube.

So today, I'm going to be doing

my everyday makeup routine.

And I'm going to be showing you how...

[overlapping phone voices]

So you can take it up

as high as you want depending on the kind of...

Whenever you tease your hair,

you're gonna take a brush like this.

It's time to hairspray, the ever-living shit

out of his hair.

Hi, guys, what are you doing?

Well, the [unintelligible] picnic, duh.

And your little boyfriend's grandparents

are itching to get going.

He's not my boyfriend.

Let's get to move on, people.

[horn honks]

Well, if it isn't the belle of the ball...

I didn't have my team to put me together this morning.

What do you think?

It's close, but not quite.

It's like you're holding back or something.

I guess I'm just new to this whole goth thing.

I think you're just scared of what people

would think if you really went for it.

I don't care what people think.

VICTOR: No?

Well, if you don't care what people think...

why did you just ask me what I thought?

Huh. It's a little early for Halloween,

don't you think?

Hey, Victor, try not to get your ass kicked today, would ya?

JOSEPH: Would you look at that!

A hot dog wrapped in bacon?

God bless America.

You want to get out of here?

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

VICTOR: Happy 4th of July, Joey.

♪

♪

♪

You want to go to our summer place?

♪

VICTOR: Happy birthday, America.

JOEY: I don't ever wanna go back,

can't we just stay in the cemetery forever?

Wow,

maybe you are real goth.

♪

♪

♪

See you later?

You know where to find me.

MARGARET: Have a nice evening, Joey?

Yeah, Thanks, Mimi.

Want paincakes?

No, I'm just going to sleep for a while.

Victor and I are gonna hang out later.

Didn't we agree you would text

the next time you were going to stay out late?

Yeah, I lost my phone, but no worries, I found it.

You're spending an awful lot of time

with that boy.

Yeah, well, I really like him, I guess.

We don't like it that you're staying out

all night. Are you being... safe?

Okay, It's fine. Nothing's happened.

Your mother called worried to death.

If my mother is so worried

about my whereabouts, so why she dumped me here

all summer?

Why don't you spend some time

with your grandparents this summer?

Okay. You guys, listen, I'm sorry

that I didn't send a text, but I figured you guys knew

I was with Victor.

That doesn't make us feel any better.

We're asking you not see Victor for two weeks.

Are you, like, grounding me?

We're not grounding you.

We're just limiting your bad choices.

And what does that mean exactly?

We're grounding you.

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

CARISSA: Hi, it's Mom.

Hello, it's your mom.

[sighs] It's Carissa calling.

♪

- [kitten meowing] - [giggles]

[knocking on door]

Joey, dear.

Yes, grandfather, dear.

We thought it might be a good idea

if you joined us. We have big plans.

Oh, big plans huh?

I'm not sure I can resist the sound of that, Papa.

And I'm not sure I would have taken no

for an answer.

Now throw on something black and meet us downstairs.

Yes!

JOEY: People actually play bingo?

This ain't your grandma's bingo.

This is like acid trip bingo.

Now, I'm curious.

Yeah. Come on.

RALPH: O row, 69.

And our next number is in the B row, B-11.

Up next, we have...

Oh, bingo?

Helga!

My goodness, you won again.

Come on up! Let's see,

I have to confirm that, 'cause you win an awful lot.

I'm suspicious.

And everybody's so quiet, they're not very happy for you.

Can we get a nice bunch of applause

We had to be supportive of one another.

B-3, yes.

B-11, yes.

O-69, my favorite number.

Congratulations.

How do you always win so much?

WOMAN: I'm an expert at bingo.

You're a very expert bingo.

Thank you so much.

Your prize is... Are you ready for this?

A year's supply of soft cheese.

HELGA: Oh? I like it.

I knew you would. You're welcome. Congratulations.

Very nice, supportive of Helga.

Okay, everybody, welcome to our newcomers

who have just arrived a little bit late.

Nice to see you, little unhappy girl, welcome.

Okay, ready? The game you're going through right now

is just plain old regular straight bingo.

Just like me, plain, old, regular and straight.

You can go up and down, side to side or diagonal, got it?

You only need five to win.

How about B-4?

Not after but B-4.

- I have that one. - Oh, good.

RALPH: And our next member is G-55.

I can't drive 55.

I got that one too.

That's great!

The last number in the bingo board is O-75.

How about O-7-5?

I got it.

RALPH: And ladies and gentlemen

and those in between, for you, our next number is I-27.

My age I-2-7.

Don't snicker over there.

Oh, my gosh, wait, with the free space,

I think that I might have...

- Shout it out! Shout! - JOEY: Bingo!

Another winner in the family!

Oh, wait a minute, did you say bingo?

Yeah!

Oh, I couldn't hear with all this popcorn machine.

So, okay, zombie girl. Come on, let's see what you got.

The game was rigged.

You're the new one, right?

I haven't seen you around here before.

Yeah, it's my first time.

Oh my! You haven't played Bingo ever?

- Hum, hum. - Oh, my gosh.

You've ever been this close to a man in a dress before?

Oh, I don't think so.

It's the day of firsts for you.

- What is your name? - Joey.

Joey, nice to meet you. I'm Ralph.

Okay, so we have B-4.

We have I-27. Okay.

You use your free spot, very clever.

Sometimes cheating, but not in this case.

How about G-55? Yes.

And O-75? That's a good bingo.

Let's get a nice round of applause for Joey.

Congratulations! Okay, Joey.

So, there's no more soft cheeses.

But I have for you a two-month pass

to underwater aerobics at the SINU center.

Oh, we can go together!

I know, they usually like that kind of prize.

Congratulations.

Applause for Joey one more time. Thank you so much.

And now we're going to clear the board.

We're going to play again; you guys ready?

Let's play again!

How's your licorice, bingo queen?

Even her tongue wears black.

You see, it's not so bad hanging here with us?

Yeah, you guys are all right, I guess.

I wonder how your mom is doing.

I don't.

Whoops!

Listen, you can always talk to us.

Okay.

How about we just keep not talking about her or him?

- Okay? - You know what?

I think today is the last day

of your grounding, zombie girl.

What do you think, mimi?

Yeah, she satisfied the terms of her sentencing.

Really? Like, you mean it?

Mm-hmm.

You're all cleared for takeoff, little bird.

Aren't you gonna say, "Trick or treat"?

Bye, guys, yes, I promise

I'll text if we're gonna be out late.

You're sure you want to take them camping?

At least I know they'll love your ghost stories.

MARGARET: Thank god.

[high-pitched scream] I'm beginning to tan!

Well, that's a cream was with positively blood-curdling.

That's such a turn-on.

Let's get out of here, I'm starting to melt.

Wait, one last shot, okay, guys?

I win!

♪

Gonna have to use a ton of powder tonight.

Or we wanna like extra dud for the party.

What party?

Victor didn't tell you about the party?

No, he didn't mention it.

[phone playing melody]

I got to take it, I'll be right back.

Joey. Lipstick.

So, you guys gonna tell me about this party or what?

VICTOR: Okay, get over it.

I think I know what you're gonna say,

but we kind of work together, don't we?

We just don't want you to feel unwelcome, that's all.

And why would Joey feel unwelcome?

- Oh, right, the party. - What?

Am I, like, not invited or something?

Well, at first, I didn't invite you

because you were grounded.

But I have to admit I am a little nervous

you might feel uncomfortable.

Why would I be uncomfortable?

Because these are real goths.

You may feel like kind of a poser.

I never thought of myself as a poser.

You can't just dye your hair

and change your clothes for the summer

and expect everyone to accept you as one of our own.

It's not just a scene, it's a way of life.

Hey, hey, don't pout, pretty lady.

It'll be fun.

I promise.

Are you sure I'm dressed up enough?

Yes. You look fine, please.

♪

Relax, they can smell your fear.

JOEY: I can't help it.

I don't want them thinking that I'm a poser.

VICTOR: Please, you're with me,

and practically goth royalty.

Victor.

You didn't tell me you would be bringing company.

Yes, Pandora, this is Josephine,

the newest addition to our little coven.

You can call me Joey.

VICTOR: Joey, this is Pandora. She's our host,

and her family owns the biggest mortuary in town.

- JOEY: Oh. - Yes.

Business has been especially good lately.

Why? You've been killing them?

No, I just mean that you...

it must be really convenient, you know,

having your family on the mortuary,

you know, being like a goth and...

Oh, poo!

Sad thing, empty chalices.

Victor, do you fancy accompanying me

to get some punch?

Sure!

Come, Josephine.

Let's all go get some punch!

Vampires' blood, spooky.

[glass clattering]

Well, your little friend is charming.

Where did you find her?

It's the neighbor girl. But a doll, isn't she?

I stopped playing

with dolls a long time ago, Victor.

So, how about that Marilyn Manson, right?

Excuse me for a moment, would you?

It looks as though someone's in desperate need of rescuing.

Come, my pet!

New project.

I'm gonna get a drink.

What's that?

Said I'm gonna kill myself.

VICTOR: I can't hear you.

This should do.

Ouch, peachy!

Hey Victor, you should try...

Sorry.

Hey, guys! What are you doing?

Summoning the spirits. How about yourself?

I lost Victor.

You smell pretty fruity there.

What's in your cup?

It's peachy! You wanna try?

Well, well, well.

If it isn't America's next top Goth.

What are you doing here?

Slumming! Need a drink?

I am all set. Thanks.

What are you doing here?

Well, if you really must know, I came with Victor.

Have you seen him, by chance?

You know, I'm really not that bad of a guy.

I don't know what happened the other night.

You guys! I don't mean to be rude,

but we're trying to communicate with the other side here.

Yeah. Why don't you and the Jolly Rancher

take your conversation over there?

JOEY: Okay.

♪

[guitar song]

What should I play? "Bela Lugosi's Dead"?

Never heard of it.

You're new to this whole Goth thing, aren't you?

Hello, new girl.

Oh, hey, Pandora. This is my friend, Antonio.

Who cares? Where's Victor?

I am looking for him too, actually.

You know, you two are so cute together.

Me and Victor? Thank you, Pandora.

No, you and him.

You wanna do shots?

Why are you being so nice to me?

Where is the drink?

What are you doing with my cup?

[overlapping voices]

Okay.

I need a cane. Don't. Stop it!

I wanna sing. Okay.

From the top of the strings...

Joey!

Joey! Joey! Joey!

Victor, this is my friend, Antonio.

Nice to meet... Oh, no. What I'm I talking about?

You guys have already met, remember the graveyard?

Yes. Good to see you again, Antonio.

Yeah.

It's time to go.

What? I'm just starting to have fun.

No, I am not going.

I think I'm gonna retch...

Okay. The fun is over.

But wait. No, I don't want to go.

No, no, no, no, no.

See, I wanna sing with my friends and I wanna...

Wait, where is everybody going?

Wait!

Okay.

- Hey, Victor? - Yes?

Do you think I'm a real goth?

VICTOR: No, I think that you're real mess.

JOEY: Oh, sorry!

Okay.

♪

Baby bats just can't hold their liquor.

What's going on?

[phone beeping]

Hey!

Yeah, me too.

Listen, I can't talk right now.

Okay, good night, beautiful.

Antonio, it's never gonna happen.

[phone beeping]

VICTOR: Say something and I will get back to you. Maybe.

Hey, Victor.

I think I might owe you an apology or something.

Call me, okay?

[door knocking]

Thought you might need a strong cup of Joe this morning.

Thank you, yeah.

Oh. Oh, God, curse the light. No, no.

How about joining me for a dance class later, huh?

Might be good to sweat it out.

Yeah, and it also might be good to stay in bed all day.

Maybe it's not exercise you need,

maybe it's an exorcism.

- What? - We've tried everything else.

Maybe it is time to call in a priest.

Okay, very funny.

No, I'm not joking.

I'm pretty sure

you're possessed by a soul-devouring demon.

What else would make you stay out all night

keeping us up with worry?

What else would make you get drunk?

And do drugs in our home?

Why?

Oh, why are you still chasing after that boy?

Victor doesn't care a flying flip about you.

Okay, how I feel shittier.

That's the demon.

You might wanna to look into that.

♪

[phone beeping]

♪

♪

♪

Hello, Victor?

Oh, hey! Finally, she answers.

Are you alive?

Are your grandparents taking for care of you?

What is it I hear about a boy?

Are you using protection?

- Jesus, Mom. - CARISSA: What?

I know what a summer fling is like.

It's not a fling. Okay?

Oh, it's not a fling. So, it's serious.

What, after a month and a half?

Was there a point to this phone call, Mother?

I'm just calling to tell my daughter that I love her.

Is that for me or for the fans? Later, Mom.

Ah, that is such a nice thing to say, honey.

Okay, well, talk to you tomorrow.

And who should I make this out to?

MOLLY: What is he doing?

OMG, it totally feels like we're detectives right now.

Focus!

He's smoking.

Ew.

You fell for a smoker, that doesn't seem like you.

I wouldn't say that I'd fallen for him exactly.

You're stalking him with your best friend,

you're so totally [unintelligible].

Here. Let me look at him.

He's so goth.

I don't trust the look of him, Joey.

- Yeah, I know what you mean. - [door knocking]

JOSEPH: Who's ready for a little fun in the forest?

How are the good horror films start.

- [phone beeping] - It's him!

He knows we're watching him.

[doors knocking]

JOSEPH: Girls, we're loading the car.

"Have you ever done it in the woods?"

JOSEPH: Girls, I can hear everything you're saying.

[laughing]

- Okay. - Okay. [giggling]

What about Victor?

Hey there!

I wanted you two to finally meet.

I'm the BFF.

You were pretty trashed the other night, weren't you?

I tried calling you.

I left my phone at Pandora's.

I was worried

that I might have done permanent damage.

I mean, when I woke up the next morning,

I wasn't even sure how I got home.

Well, that sounds like quite a night.

It wasn't.

JOSEPH: You look like a couple of dead honeymooners

from one of Margaret's ghost stories.

Thank you.

Joey, get your little friends stop scaring

the other campers and help us set up. Okay?

Hi, I'm Molly.

Enchantée!

You've got to be kidding me, right?

- Ready, Margaret? - Yeah.

Oh, we're so terrible!

ALL: [yelling]

That was unexpected.

I know, but kind of fun, right?

Well, he doesn't seem to think so.

MARGARET: And the beast had recently acquired a mate.

And she gave birth

to a brood of little beautiful beasties.

And they were ravenous.

And the beast knew

he had to find fresh blood,

guts and gore to feed his little family.

So, he put his nose to the air...

...and sniffed.

and ferreted out

a bitter venom.

It was a mile away, but the beast could smell him.

So, he tracked him down,

and charged,

and gouged out an eyeball, and he wanted to devour it.

- Woo! - Jesus, Joey!

You scared me.

You think that was scary?

You should hear one of Margaret's ghost stories.

I think Pen's half a shade whiter.

You want to get out of here?

What do you mean?

There's this club thing happening tonight.

I think it might be fun.

Oh, I don't know.

It doesn't seem right somehow.

Does it seem... wrong?

MARGARET: And then the beast disemboweled her

and strung up

her freshly murdered cadaver

with her own hands.

Carving his name into the earth below

as a warning to all future campers

who dared to enter

his forest home again!

Wooh! Wooh!

I'm giving you honorary goth status

for that macabre and wonderful tale, Margaret.

You guys feel like hitting the club Medusa tonight?

Actually, we're kinda having fun here.

We'll catch it next month.

What's club Medusa?

JOSEPH: Okay, kids, we're going to turn in.

Don't stay up too late!

Can I borrow your car?

Promise we'll take real good care of it.

So, you're really just going to leave everyone?

Um, yeah, there's this party thing.

Let's go.

Wait! Molly's gonna come with us.

She's dying to go to club Medusa.

I am?

VICTOR: You look amazing tonight, Joey.

I wish I could be you.

I don't feel amazing.

I feel like I just ditched everyone.

You did just ditch everyone.

You chose me over them.

I mean, who wouldn't?

Just look at me.

Then again...

...just look at you.

Tonight is gonna be out of control.

What the hell?

Come on.

Everyone's waiting.

Who's everyone?

Are you sure you don't want to change?

I bet you say that to all the girls.

♪

♪

I'm going to dance.

Are you ever going to hit the concept of reapplying?

Why are you still going out with him?

I'm not going out with him.

But you're still hanging out with him?

Joey, you look beautiful. It's okay.

- Hey, what were you doing? - Come on!

- You wanna dance? - Okay.

I'm gonna find the bathroom.

MOLLY: Okay.

♪

JOEY: Excuse me! Sorry! Sorry! Excuse me! Excuse me!

Looking rather fetching tonight.

- Are you with Victor? - Sort of.

Are you okay?

I have no idea.

Oh, God! I'm...

Is everything okay?

This night has gotten very confusing very fast, sorry.

Excuse me.

♪

♪

You've gotta be kidding me.

♪

♪

Nice, dude.

Hey, look what we've got here.

Oh, why are you so sad little goth chick?

Did your DVD of "The Craft" get scratched?

Douchebag.

What did you just say to me?

Say it again.

I said, I bet you love

giving your boyfriend's mullet a little tug

every time you blow him.

You did not just say that you feisty little freak!

- What are you doing? - Little tailgate party.

You guys sure know how to treat a lady.

I'm sorry, buddy.

I already got myself a date.

With your mother or your sister?

You wanna say that to my fist?

Okay, once more with feeling.

Oh, shit, run!

That's what I thought.

JOEY: Thank you.

Oh, come on now. Us freaks have to stick together.

Oh, my God, are you okay?

I'll just, like, go sit or something.

So, what's going on with you and Victor?

So, what's going on with you and that guy from the club?

So, what's going on with your friend

and that guy from the future?

Come on, I'll take you two back to the campground.

Let's go!

CARISSA: What is it I hear about a boy?

MOLLY: I don't trust his look, Joey!

MARGARET: Get drunk and do drugs in our home!

Feisty little freak!

What are you doing?

VICTOR: Are you ever going to get

the concept of reapplying?

ANTONIO: Come on now, us freaks got to stick together.

PANDORA: You two are so cute together.

MOLLY: Why are you still hanging out with him?

JOEY: Just help me!

GIRL: Sorry about your dad, Joey!

DAD: I bet you're excited to finally go home.

Dad?

Go home?

DAD: Honey, school starts in a few weeks.

JOEY: Wow.

I don't know, I just...

I guess I didn't think this summer would end so soon.

DAD: You're going to have to say goodbye to summer

sometime, Joey.

Dad?

♪

Bye, Molly!

MARGARET: It was nice to having Molly over.

Oh, any idea what happened to Victor?

No idea.

Oh, your mom called.

She's definitely gonna make it back in time for the party.

Wow! Is that supposed to make me feel better?

God!

JOEY: Hey, guys! What are you doing?

- Sacrificing Virgins? - What?

Oh, we're just trying to decide a band name.

What do you think of Sacrificing Virgins?

It's a little close to home.

So, not exactly a deal breaker.

We have no idea where Victor is,

if that's what you're about to ask us.

And even if we heard a rumor that he was

at Pandora's, we certainly wouldn't tell you.

Oh, the tragic unveiling of misguided teenage hearts.

- That's it! - What's it?

The Tragic Unveiling Of Misguided Teenager Hearts.

That's the name of our band.

You're a genius.

Hello?

Victor, I know you're in here.

Hello?

Sorry! Oh, my God. Pandora, I was just looking for Victor.

Yeah. Well, obviously,

he is not in here.

But if you leave my house this instant,

I promise that I won't call the cops on you

for breaking and entering.

Okay, sorry! My mistake.

All right, she's gone.

You can come on now.

That was close.

I'm such an idiot.

Got it!

Don't tell me you're having feelings

for your toys now, are you?

No.

Mimi?

Papa?

Is anybody home?

PEN: You've reached the goddess Pen, whatever you say

after the beep shall determine your fate.

Hi, Pen. Um...

I really need a friend right now,

so call me back, okay?

CARISSA: You've reached reached Carissa Javitts.

Please leave your message after the tone.

JOEY: Mom.

Listen, I know that you're probably

at the airport right now, but, um...

I need my mother.

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

What are you doing here?

ANTONIO: You know.

Just looking for some trouble.

So, what are you doing out here in the middle

of the night anyway?

That's a good question.

You were hoping Victor would come

looking for you, maybe?

Another good question.

ANTONIO: Look, you're not the only one

who sat here waiting for him.

You weren't even gonna be here.

VICTOR: You punched me last time I saw you.

No, you're not invited, get over it!

ANTONIO: I was pretty lovesick, too.

I guess he didn't tell you that.

Come on, tell Antonio everything.

Victor treated me like I was

his little summer project.

I want you to be perfect.

JOEY: Did I even mean anything to him?

Well, let's see!

You're in a graveyard in the middle of the night

by yourself.

There's a positively menacing punk

with a knife sitting next to you.

And Victor's not exactly looking for you right now.

Do you know what I mean?

Yeah! I suppose.

Now, can I ask you a question?

You're the one with the knife.

If you're not his project, then who are you really?

Come on, you got this, you're smart, you're hot.

Don't let some guy tell you who you are.

You have to decide for yourself who you are, you know?

I've learned one thing about myself this summer,

I deserve better than Victor.

ANTONIO: I don't think that's the only thing

you learned about yourself this summer, but, hey,

That's a good start!

Yeah. I guess you're right.

How did you get to be so wise?

My mom buys Oprah magazines,

I read 'em on the can sometimes.

Wait, does that make me gay?

You got to decide for yourself

who you are, you know?

Touché!

MARGARET: Get off my baby girl! You thug!

You screwed with the wrong family.

- MARGARET: Are you all right? - I'm fine!

Your mom called and said you left a strange message.

- We were really worried. - I'm good now, promise,

no one need worry, least of all my mother.

Can we please get out of here?

I'm like, way claustrophobic.

Great idea! When we get to be our age,

the last place you want to hang out is the cemetery.

CARISSA: Where have you guys been?

Rescuing teenagers.

CARISSA: I've been here for over an hour,

none of you have your phones on.

Did you get anything to eat on the plane?

CARISSA: No, I'm starving.

MARGARET: Honey, I'm so glad you're back.

Aww, thanks Mom!

Listen, we'll get dinner started,

so you two can catch up.

CARISSA: Oh, honey. It's so good to see you.

Did you miss me?

I got your message.

What was that all about?

Jesus! What is it with you?

You're annoyed if I don't call, you're annoyed if I do.

Oh, Joey, don't start with me.

You have no idea how much pressure it is

to be on a book tour.

You have no idea how much pressure it is

to be 16.

Like I've never been a teenager.

So, what's with all the black?

I wear black on the outside,

because black is how I feel on the inside.

That's very dramatic.

What's his name?

His name is Victor, and he broke my heart.

Thank you very much.

Oh, honey!

You look like you just came from a funeral.

A funeral?

I kind of just did, Mom!

You were there too, remember?

You think I don't miss him?

I miss him every single day,

and I really don't appreciate you throwing that in my face.

And I'm sure your throng of adoring fans

has helped you through this grieving process.

That throng of adoring fans pays

for your entire life.

You know, it wouldn't kill you to show

just a little bit of gratitude.

And I'm sorry I wasn't here to help you

- with your boy troubles. - No, no, no, no.

Let's talk about gratitude a little bit,

because you know what I'm grateful for?

I'm grateful that I didn't have to spend

my summer listening to your saccharine bullshit.

You know, I feel sorry for the shallow idiots

who read your shitty novels.

Want dinner?

I'm not hungry.

Yeah.

♪

CARISSA: I hope she wasn't a total handful

this summer, Mom.

I'm probably at least partly to blame for that.

Sometimes we push people away

and we really should be pulling them in close.

- Boo! - Oh!

Jesus! Dad!

What am I going to do about this new phase, you guys?

Accept her for who she is,

and hope for the best.

That's what we did

when you were a Madonna wannabe.

- Look how cool you turned out. - [knocking on door]

Come in!

This way for the punch and brownies.

[indistinct greetings]

Can you watch the door for a minute, please?

We need to get this party moving, huh.

Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Ireland, come on in!

Watch out for the brownies, there have been rumours.

Why do you think we are here, dear?

VICTOR: I see they'll let any old vampire in here.

Hold that thought.

Surprise!

JOEY: What are you guys doing here?

Oh, I heard about the party from these freaks.

Come on, Tony-Boy, let's get some punch

and frighten the old people.

VICTOR: So, where did you disappear to the other night?

Is that a joke?

I left you like a dozen voicemails.

I missed you too, my pet.

I did not say that I missed you.

No, I cannot believe that I fell for you.

I mean, what a total waste of a summer.

I turned you into something almost borderline interesting.

- You should be thanking me. - JOEY: Really?

- Hey! Are you Victor? - Mom, not now!

Oh, this is your mother, the famous novelist.

Mrs. Javitts, it's an honour, I am a huge fan.

So, you read my book?

Absolutely! Every one.

Well, that makes complete sense then!

How's that?

Because my daughter says that my books are written

for shallow idiots.

I'm sorry, did you just call me a shallow idiot?

I'm just saying that my daughter

is right more often than I would like to admit.

[laughs]

In fact, you know,

I think I can do better than shallow idiot.

If I were to describe you in one of my novels,

I think I'd call you a vainglorious egomaniacal

narcissist.

You are but a phase, my dear boy.

A mere case of temporary proctalgia,

cleared up by a tube of drugstore haemorrhoid cream.

Ooh!

So, I think you better go.

Oh, and Victor. Time to reapply!

Where did that come from?

A wise woman once told me

that sometimes we push people away

when we got to bring them closer.

I just want you to know that I'm always on your side.

By the way, proctalgia?

Just another medical term for pain in the ass.

It's another thing your grandmother taught me.

So, you guys, the big news is,

that I'm gonna cancel the second half of my book tour.

Really, dear? Is that wise?

You don't have to do that for me, Mom.

Yeah, I do.

Are you guys ready to get this party started?

This thing on? Hi!

I would just like to welcome everyone and to congratulate

my amazing grandparents, Joseph and Margaret,

on 40 years of marriage.

[applause]

Now, without further ado, I am proud to introduce

my new favourite band, ah...

The Tragic Unveiling of Misguided Teenage Hearts.

Congrats, you crazy kids! This song is for you.

One, two, three.

♪

JOEY NARRATOR: I remember how excited I was

for my fifth birthday party.

Then when the kids showed up, I hid in my room,

wouldn't come out.

You held my hands and said, "Joey,

"you will meet many people in this astonishing

"and wonderful life of yours, and you'll know

when your true friends appear."

This is how I will always remember

my summer as a goth, dancing with my mom

and my grandparents and a group of new friends

that actually get me.

Astonishing and wonderful, indeed.

Who would have guessed?

[indistinct chatter]

Hey!

So, you're a goth now?

I didn't even know goths still existed.

I don't know what I am.

Hey Aaron! You've been replaced.

Your new boyfriend looks kind of gay.

Oh, shut up, Shelley!

♪

♪

♪

JOEY: Hey, Dad. I have some friends I want you to meet.

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

JOEY NARRATOR: Standing someone up for those

or similar reasons is inexcusable.

Mind you, no one is owed a date ever.

The only reason you should accept a date

or whatever you want to call romantic social activity

between two people, is because you are interested

in spending time together.

You don't have to go out with someone just

because he or she is nice, pays attention to you

or seems to expect it.

Nor should you feel obliged to go out with someone,

because you are single goths who know each other,

you may scoff, snarklings,

but the Lady of the Manners has seen that exact thing happened

with alarming regularity.

♪

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