Original subtitles

(dramatic music)

♪ I get a chill down my spine ♪

♪ In the night they come to take my life ♪

♪ And I know I won't see the morning light ♪

♪ In the dawn, baby I'll be gone ♪

♪ And they're gonna eat my brains, drive me insane ♪

♪ Be one of their own ♪

♪ You know they got me ♪

♪ These fucking zombies ♪

♪ Gonna be one of them tonight, one of them tonight ♪

♪ You know they got me ♪

♪ These fucking zombies ♪

♪ Gonna be one of them tonight ♪

♪ One of them tonight ♪

(dramatic music)

♪ And now I'm coming after you ♪

♪ Into your room, we're gonna have some fun ♪

♪ And I chase after you ♪

♪ Don't have a clue to what I've become ♪

♪ And now I'm gonna eat your brain, drive me insane ♪

♪ Be one of our own ♪

♪ You know they got me ♪

♪ These fucking zombies ♪

♪ Gonna be one of them tonight ♪

♪ One of them tonight ♪

♪ You know they got me ♪

♪ These fucking zombies ♪

(dramatic music)

(shower splashing) (nails tapping)

- Would you hurry up in there, you're taking too long.

- I'm going to be on the rag any minute.

I don't want a repeat of the movie Carrie in here.

- Okay, I get it.

Have I ever told you girls how it is

that I got into this mess in the first place?

- Only about 400 times.

- Well, I'm going to tell you again,

because I'm pre-menstrual and I damn well

need to get this off my fucking chest.

- Okay Eliza, I'm going to ask you some questions now, okay?

- Okay.

- The passenger that was taken to the hospital

after the flight, did you accidentally

put something in his drink?

- No.

- [Man] Is it true that you showed up

for work under the influence of alcohol?

- No.

- [Man] Is it true you propositioned a customer to go

into the bathroom and perform oral sex for money?

- No.

- You know what I think?

I think you're nothing but damaged goods.

Is that what you want people to think of you?

As a degenerate?

As a delinquent?

I can promise you this.

When I find out that you're lying,

and we prove that you're lying, you are going to jail.

(dramatic chord)

- Wow, you think that's bad.

Did I ever tell you girls about

the time I did my nursing residency.

It all started a very long time

ago when I was a very young girl.

(dramatic music)

- A barking dog howls in the frosty moonlight.

(pills rattling) (dramatic music)

(nurse knocks)

- Mr. Hoover, it's time for your enema.

- [Hoover] But I'm just here to get my tonsils out.

- Sir, if you do not cooperate,

I'm going to have to sedate you.

(Hoover cries out)

- You guys think that that's bad?

You should hear my story.

It all started when I was working at the Wrecker's Car Wash,

earning money so I can go to massage therapy school.

(dramatic music)

- How about a little full service?

- So you want the full package?

- Yeah.

This is what I call full service.

(distant sirens)

Shit.

(nearing sirens) (moaning)

(raspberries)

- [Announcer] 10, nine, eight, seven,

six, five, four, three, two, one.

(audience cheering)

- Oh you've got a very productive day to day Wendy.

Lots of money has been raised

to help all them babies in Sri Lanka.

- Thank you, sir.

Here you go.

Boy, I'm just glad I can help these orphans.

(sirens blaring)

Uh-oh.

(dramatic music) (sirens blaring)

- Wow, if you think that's bad,

you should hear about my antics

when I was a cheerleader at South Jersey State,

I blackmailed all three of my professors

into giving me a thousand dollars a week allowance.

(dramatic chord)

(dramatic music)

- Your antics are famous all over the internet.

We don't need to hear about them again.

We're all familiar.

- Goddammit Eliza, you little bitch.

You think you fucking own this place.

You let all the other little piss ants

tell their little stories

and then you butt in when it's my turn.

Well, I'll tell you something.

You're not top bitch in this fucking place.

I am, you little cunt.

(dramatic music) (crying out)

- How do you like that, bitch?

Fucker.

(dramatic music) (crying out)

- All right, I'll show you who's top dog in this place.

Line up.

All of you line up.

That's right, everybody behaves and no one gets tased.

- Mrs. Bush, she started it, she really did.

- I don't care who started it, God damn it.

I'm sure as Hell going to finish this.

Girls have got to learn to respect authority.

Got to learn to respect the whip,

then maybe you'll respect authority.

The whip is family.

(dramatic music) (whip cracking)

(dramatic music)

(dramatic music) (pole snapping)

- No, no.

Patsy, we're not making Godard come here.

Get these two greased up

and then we'll move on to the anal beads.

(whip cracking)

(phone rings)

- You cunts are lucky.

Lucky I say.

I was just getting warmed up.

(phone rings)

Wormwood New Jersey Women's

Correctional Facilities, this is Warden Bush speaking.

- And for Christ's sakes, Patsy,

show us some rose bud this time.

Cassandra, lovely to hear your voice.

How's the little one?

Hasn't come out yet?

Going to let him cook a little bit longer than aye?

- Claw, you have the absolute most shit timing.

But I still love your brother.

I was just teaching a lesson to my little girls.

Them cunts.

That fucker's still in there,

I haven't gotten rid of it yet.

- Good, good.

Well, there is a reason for my call, sister.

It's not just to give you

a hard time about being knocked up.

I have a favor to ask of you.

- A favor?

Well, you are a big help to me

when I was under investigation

by the Better Business Bureau

and you did a lot for me when I was trying

to open up that Dress Barn in Atlantic City, go on.

- No, Patsy, I need you to get my glory hole.

Get Jordan lube all over, you queen.

Move this light just a cut hair to the left.

Just a cut hair.

- Claw, if you're going to direct your little smut movies,

why don't you do it when

you aren't on the phone with your sister?

I do have some cunts to attend to in the other room.

- Where was I?

Oh, Oh yes.

I'm going to need your help, sister.

And maybe the help of your little prison sluts.

- Reform school girls.

- Yeah, whatever.

I have a plan to make us both rich.

With the money I've been paying

these twink rocker boys, you

and I could've opened up at least 10 Dress Barns by now.

- What in God's name are you rambling on about?

- I'll tell you what I'm rambling about, money.

I have a plan to turn all of these pretty little,

indie, rock, guitar toting, emo, math,

rock, loving boys in this neighborhood

into my own personal lobotomized sex slaves.

Vis-a-vis a new serum I have created in my laboratory.

Yes.

Oh yes, yes, yes.

- Yes, yes, yes.

- Patsy, I am doing business.

I am on the phone.

I am doing business and I am on the phone.

Get in your cage, do your paperwork.

Boys, would you like to take a douche break?

As I was saying, I have finally developed

the perfect serum and now all I need

is a way to distribute it to all

the twink rocker boys in the world.

And then they'll do my smut films for free

and you and I can keep the profits

and open up even more Dress Barns.

Patsy!

- I still don't see how I come into this.

- I'll tell you where you come in to this, sis.

I must, of course, have a way to transmit

the serum to these lovely boys.

Oh yes, yes I do.

I have your prison sluts to do it for me.

- Reform school girls.

Hmm, you know, I have been trying to think

of a way to get out of this lousy business.

Our father, God, rest his soul, turnover

in his grave to see the sorry state of this institution.

I can never raise the money to renovate it.

If only there was some way I can just walk

away from this business and just make money

off of unstylish women.

Be a dream come true.

(door bangs)

- Just a minute.

Masters.

Hey sis, do you still have ties

with that Ghoul Scout program?

You know, one where girls earn badges

for things like penmanship, or river kayaking,

or being the first to stain their damn underpants

after reading a Judy Bloom book?

- Yes, sir.

- Well, perhaps these sluts, they can sell some cookies.

You know, door-to-door to the homes of the rocker boys.

Have them sell some samosas, thin clits, some tag-a-dongs.

- Only if they'd be buying a one way ticket

to the world of human traffic sex slavery.

- Precisely.

- Well, this is a plan so evil, only you

and I could have thought of it together, brother.

- You can do it.

We can help.

- [Both] You can do it.

We can help.

You can do it.

We can help.

Fashion at a fraction.

(dramatic music)

♪ Well I'm love with a fire girl oh yeah ♪

♪ She broke my heart, oh yeah ♪

♪ And there's a werewolf outside, it's waiting for me ♪

♪ Oh yeah, oh baby, yeah ♪

- All right, it's almost time for our satanic,

Cthulhu leaning D&D break.

Bust out the 20 sided dice, Nikki.

- The game has already started and since it has started,

I will not respond to the name, Nikki.

My name is Lord Stera Kimushen the most feared.

And as of last Tuesday, I'm a level eight wizard.

- Sounds good.

Listen, there's some I've been meaning to talk to you about,

you really need to get some girls around here.

- Well, I don't know, man.

- Look, man, here's the deal.

I haven't had sexual intercourse with

a woman in say nine months, give or take.

So why don't me and you hit up the ACE hardware,

scope out some hot chicks,

and bring them back here for fucking purposes.

- I don't know, man.

I've been asking Beelzebub and fish gods

for girls every time I light a candle,

but so far all I've gotten is some Vampire Hunter D

action figures and a copy of deep throat.

- Man, I mean like actually leave the house.

Like meet girls out in the real world, man.

- Whoa.

You mean like not in the world

of satanic Cthulhu D&D but like on second life?

- What?

No, you idiot.

Not in a song, not in a game,

not in a movie, but in real life.

Wow.

I had an experience like that once.

- Here we go.

- So there I was on this airplane.

I was with my parents going to the new zoological exhibit

at the Walt Disney World Animal Kingdom when I saw her.

Her hair shone like the radiant sunshine

of the dark gods themselves.

Like the original fish gods, like Cthulhu or something.

And her skin, it was like fish skin.

I mean not scaly or anything just nice,

cool, and exuberant, fleshy.

If I could just've reach out, touched it.

Her hair flowed down her shoulders like the parting

of the Red Sea, or the changing of the tides.

And her body.

It was incredible.

She looked like a goddess

in her little flight attendant uniform.

Maybe like Christie in Hellraiser or that girl in Nosferatu.

The original Nosferatu, not the 1979 version,

although she was hot too.

And when I asked for that low sodium tomato juice,

it was like asking for her hand in marriage.

- All right.

That's enough.

I've heard just about as much as I could stomach.

I am not talking about girls that you see in your dreams.

I'm talking about real girls, who come here,

and have sex with us.

Sluts.

You know, like sluts.

Girls with no morals.

Girls with low moral fiber.

Sluts.

Like the girls that Anton LaVay writes

about that attend those orgiastic black mass events.

Sex parties.

The preacher's daughter type.

You guys know what I'm talking about

with the preacher's daughter type.

I'm talking about sluts.

The girls you see me on late night Cinamax, those girls.

But in real life.

Sluts.

But it real life.

To bring back here.

And when I say here, I mean our apartment,

and when I say here, I mean our rehearsal space,

anything but your parents' house.

And have sex with all of us.

Or at least one of us, so he can tell the others about it.

- I'm telling you, I met this girl in real life.

It was real life.

And we had a connection right there and then.

We were like James Woods and Blondie in Videodrome.

And it was like a real connection.

Not just some video, creepy SNM thing or whatever that was.

And if you don't believe it,

then that is just like your problem.

Because I believe in this serendipity stuff

and those fish people.

- What you believe, and don't bring

Cthulhu into this, is crap.

And I'm not going to bring this negative energy

into our D&D sessions.

(dramatic music)

(knocking)

- Liza?

Oh, Warden Bush.

- Warden Bush is off duty.

Call me Cassandra.

(dramatic music)

- Who's a good little puppy?

That's right, Patsy is.

Does Patsy want the ball?

Go fetch!

(laughs)

Bad dog.

Bad dog.

Go fetch.

Bring back the ball, Patsy.

Too slow!

(electric fizzing) (Patsy crying out)

Is Patsy a good doggie?

Go fetch.

(dramatic music)

(chattering)

- Where were you last night, Linda?

I waited around for you to play dress up.

- You know where she was.

She was treating herself to Warden Bush's choco taco.

Little SS Cassandra cuddle fish pie.

Yeah, she was down there licking the baby.

- Well, yeah, she was gobbling up my gash.

She was eating up my cream filled custard pie,

siphoning out the strawberry filling.

- But you were, weren't you?

I mean, something was going on.

You didn't show up.

- Well maybe I didn't want to play dress up with you, Liza.

Maybe some of us are more grown up than others.

Maybe some of us live in the real world.

Grow up.

- Speaking of moon pies, here comes

the sausage in a corset now.

(chuckles)

- All right, listen up cunts.

I've got some excellent news for you.

Might be the luckiest cunty cunts

ever to have walk the Earth.

(whip bangs)

- You just stirred my Vegemite.

- Nevermind that.

So look, here's how it is.

Who wants to get out of here early?

I only have room for four little cunts.

I don't know why I'm going to choose you four,

but I might just be the sweetest

warden there was in this reform school.

But you are not to make any trouble for me

and you're to do exactly as you're told, understood?

- [All] Whatever you say, Mrs. Bush.

- Choco taco.

- Now here's the deal, you're all going

to be selling cookies for my niece's Ghoul scout troop.

But first we have to reeducate you

and make you suitable to join the natural world.

Without bring with you any of your bad girl tendencies.

You're all going to undergo

a strict reeducation process under my supervision

and Linda, I'm going to need you

to help me keep these bad girls in line.

- Yes ma'am.

I mean, Mrs. Bush.

- Excuse me.

Is this going to be like that time that

you had us lead the focus group for the Dress Barn?

- No, nothing like that.

So after you've all undergone your reeducation

and served your time selling cookies,

you'll be free to leave these four walls

and rejoined the natural world.

(whip bangs)

See, you cunty cunts at 7:00 a.m. sharp in the infirmary.

- Niece's Ghoul scout troop?

This sounds like another one of SS Cassandra's schemes,

like that S pyramid thing she had us do

or the Cutco covert operation

or the ShamWow demonstration or that Tupperware party

at the men state prison.

- I say, we do what she says.

It's our only ticket out of here.

Do we have a choice?

- You would see that miss Etheridge.

- Shut up, Liza.

- Wait, Ms. Kiss ass has a point.

We should maybe ride this thing out.

It may very well get us out of this fucking hell hole.

Even if it is only for a few hours.

- That's true.

(film clicking) (dramatic music)

- I will up hold the highest ethics,

no matter what the situation.

I will hold the tradition of

my sisterhood in the highest regards.

I will never succumb to evil deeds.

I will follow the strictest discipline from my mentors,

and I will never eat the merchandise

under any circumstances.

(dramatic music)

(match flares)

(dramatic music)

♪ May the light of this flickering candle illuminate ♪

The night the way your mind illuminates my soul

♪ Doctor, can you hear me ♪

♪ Doctor, can you see me ♪

♪ Cocks to the left of me, cocks to the right of me. ♪

- Why is this damaged fawn left to suffer?

♪ Doctor, do you love me? ♪

♪ Doctor, don't you love me? ♪

- I sit alone in darkness, cursed, but why?

♪ Nubile, twink, hipster boys are his fancy ♪

♪ When all his destiny needs is Patsy ♪

♪ Doctor, do you see me ♪

♪ Doctor, can you see me ♪

♪ Doctor, don't you wonder why ♪

- Cast aside for boys with assholes

Willing to accept the shaft of my beloved

♪ While I exist in a cave that has no door ♪

- Why, God, why

Why

Why, God, why?

(phone ringing)

- Pick up, pick up.

Pick up, pick up, pick up.

- Wormwood New Jersey Women's Correctional Facility,

this is Warden Bush speaking.

- No time for formalities.

I have it all mapped out for you.

I have a schedule for you,

and I have a way for us to keep in touch via video

transmission from you to me and text messages.

- Not to sound like a broken record, brother,

but what in God's name are you blabbering about?

- Sister, the twink rocker boys will soon

be my lobotomized sex slaves,

to induct into my moneymaking boy porn twink

empire to sell overseas in Uzbekistan

and other elite foreign Islamic markets.

I have been observing the lushest

hipster rock and roll boys.

I have addresses, I have maps,

and I am fully prepared to take over the world.

By the way, how is your reeducation process coming along?

- I'm up all night, training those little cunts.

My whip arm is tired.

I hope to God those cunts do their job well.

The last time, they ruined my prepaid legal party.

- Never mind that, you must come over right away before

you head out with those prison sluts.

I have to get you equipped with your lapel camera

and special satellite SMS device.

- You can do it, we can help.

- [Both] You can do it, we can help.

You can do it, we can help.

Fashion at a fraction.

- Together, we are like the most evilest duo

since Jimmy Bakker and Jessica Hahn.

(phones bang)

(dramatic music)

(doorbell rings)

(knocking) (dramatic music)

(game beeping)

(chattering) (game beeping)

(doorbell rings)

- Hello?

- Hi, my compatriots and I are selling

these Ghoul Scout cookies to support

our troops and to help raise money,

to fight diseases like AIDS and tuberculosis and cholera.

- That's beautiful.

I'm a chickenpox survivor myself,

but please do come in, come in, go ahead.

Ladies.

Ladies, welcome.

Welcome.

- Hi.

- So are you guys, like, religious or something?

I live with my mom and my stepfather.

My band members and I are in this really cool,

mathy, garage, emo, food-oriented prog rock metal punk band.

We write songs about dark forces and fish gods.

- I like music.

- All right, all right,

so what are you guys selling, exactly?

- Oh, you see, in order to raise money

for children with severe burns,

we have been selling these Dolidos, Samosas,

Thin Clits and Tagadongs.

- Oh, Sherry, darling, we must not eat

the merchandise under any circumstances.

This is part of our oath as Ghoul Scouts.

Do we not remember our Ghoul Scouts code of conduct?

- [Girls] I will uphold the highest ethics

no matter what the situation,

I will hold the tradition of my sisterhood

in highest regard, I will never succumb to evil deeds,

- I will never do something with something else.

- [Girls] And I will never eat

the merchandise under any circumstances.

- Ever, never.

- Wow, that was creepy.

It also gave me kind of a stiffy.

So, what's your name?

- My name is Liza Wonder, what's yours?

- Hi, I'm Linda Lovelocks.

- I'm Mickey Mayhem.

My band is called the Vampire Godzillas.

We have our first show tonight at the VFW of Wormwood,

would you girls like to come?

- Would we?

- I'm sorry, my girls are far too busy selling cookies

to help the lepers in Indonesia to come

to your little rock opera, or whatever you.

(phone rings)

Excuse me a minute.

On the other hand, it might be a good opportunity

for my Ghoul Scouts to practice their social graces,

earn their charm school badges.

- [All] Thank you, Miss Bush.

- Well, it's settled.

Boys, wouldn't you like to taste these delicious cookies?

- I'll take 20 boxes.

- 20 boxes?

Now there's a gentleman and a scholar.

- Oh, thanks, but I have a dairy allergy

and it just makes me break out in hives

and my throat closes up

and my lips blow out and I can't play the flute.

- Oh, hey, I'll take one of those mint Clits?

- Yes, the Thin Clits, a very good choice.

- These Tagadongs look really good.

- No, actually, thank you, but I'm an octo-lacto-vegan.

For a month there, I was fruititarian,

and it gave me this nasty anal discharge.

So maybe you girls, after the show,

maybe you'd like to come over

and we'll play some World of Warcraft?

- I wouldn't push it, kid.

Come now, girls, we've got about 50 houses

to hit before Bass Masters comes on,

and my TiVo has been full for a month.

Let's go.

- See you at the show tonight, Liza.

I mean, girls.

- Come again, boys, thank you.

- Your mom's house?

- Well what about you, anal discharge?

We're done.

- Rematch, all right, rematch.

- We got to get this toll, still, yeah.

- This Tagadong's not too bad.

- Nah, I guess.

- Go left, go left.

- Don't tell me what to do.

(upbeat music)

(dramatic music)

♪ I was stuck in Texas ♪

♪ Baby, trying to get back home ♪

♪ I'm stuck at Texas ♪

♪ Baby, trying to get back home ♪

- So what war were you in?

You're not a member of this club.

You're the hottest thing to walk

in here since the rummage sale.

How about you and me going out in the back?

A little hanky panky.

You want to have sex with me?

I can still get it up.

Listen, I got Viagra, and I got Cialis,

you know, so we go in the back room.

I think sex is on my Medicare card.

- Get me a gin and tonic, please.

(Cassandra clears throat)

I mean, make it a Shirley Temple.

- We've got to start playing boat shows,

because rich chicks like boat shows,

and rich chicks are hot.

- [Mikey] Yeah, but I can't swim.

- Wow, Liza, drool much?

- What are you talking about,

Miss I want everything that everyone else has.

You've been drooling over him since you saw him as well.

- Well, what makes you so sure that he wants you?

Maybe he wants me.

I am a ravenous blonde bombshell, after all.

- Linda, you stay the fuck away from him.

You only want him because you know

I like him, you little bitch.

- You can't handle a little competition.

I can get any guy I want

and it makes you venomously jealous.

- You're just a little whore

who sells her body off to the highest bidder.

Mickey would never go for you.

He could see right through your act.

- Yeah, well, we'll see about that, you little bitch.

(dramatic music) (screaming)

- Girls, girls, are you fucking kidding me?

Men are so not worth fighting over.

I learned that lesson when I was a nurse.

Women were always fighting over

the wealthiest or the best looking doctor.

Bitches were like wolves coming in for the kill.

Makes you sick to your stomach.

- I'm starting to feel sick to my stomach.

- Look, the band's going to play.

- Yay.

- The band's going to play.

I've got to announce them.

(dramatic music)

- Come on, guys, we've got to be out in five.

You like that?

That's show for five minutes.

- Sorry, man, I'm just not buying it again.

- What the hell?

Both of you guys aren't feeling well at the same time?

- I think it was Nicky's mom's tuna casserole.

- No, you know what I think it was?

You guys were retarded, and snorted

Anbesol and drank Jack Daniel's.

Okay?

Yeah, totally.

That's your fault only, come on, let's go.

Get five, five.

- Let's get on stage.

- Ladies and gentlemen, and those who haven't decided

on their gender yet, the Jonas Brothers

at the senior citizens center, Miley Cyrus

used to open for them but her mother made her stop.

Grunge rock, punk rock, no, they have their own subgenre.

It's called garbage rock.

They used to be known as The Dumpsters.

(audience laughing)

Their acne was so bad,

the only groupies they could get had a thing for lepers.

Ladies and gentlemen, without further ado,

let me present Vampire Godzillas.

(audience cheering) (audience applauding)

- What, what!

(audience cheering)

Johnny Severed Goat's mother fucking Head!

(audience cheering) (plays chords)

Chainsaw Mike!

(audience cheering)

All right, we're bringing it to the afterlife.

(audience cheering)

(dramatic music)

Cthulhu in the house tonight.

Giving us that fish power, and that fish smell.

(metal music)

(dramatic music)

- These things happen.

I mean, before long, I'm going to be rid

of all this extra weight, I'm actually quite

a youthful woman under all of this.

I'm a real tiger.

- I have nothing against kids.

I actually prefer them.

(dramatic music)

- You remind me of my father.

- Nah, that's okay,

because vice is nice, but incest is best.

(dramatic music)

(audience cheering)

- We're coming to you from beyond the grave.

And, boy, are our arms tired.

All right.

(metal music)

(audience cheering)

(groaning)

(dramatic music) (screaming)

- Oh, my God, this shit is real.

(dramatic music) (screaming)

♪ I get a chill in my spine ♪

♪ In the night they come to take my life ♪

(bones crack)

(whacking) (dramatic music)

- Shit.

- Mickey, where's the exit?

- Yeah, this way.

- Wait, don't forget my crooked past.

(screams)

- Barricade the door, barricade the door, hurry.

- Take the board.

(chattering) (clattering)

- [Mikey] We gotta get outta here.

- I think I wet myself.

- Baby.

(cries)

- What happened to Chainsaw Mike

and Johnny Severed Goat's Head?

What happened to everybody?

- Everything's going to be okay, mickey.

We just have to go somewhere safe

where we can hole up for a while

and watch the news and find out

exactly what we're up against.

- Yeah, well, we certainly can't stay

here very long because that door will

never take the weight of those, whatever they are.

- Whoa, this is just like The Zombies Ate My Neighbors.

It's a video game I play.

- [Liza] Okay.

- Wait, you guys, the zombie Holocaust survival guide.

- [Linda] There's a guide?

- You have it?

- Yeah, it's a guide.

- Oh, Jesus Christ.

- Okay, all right, let's see what it says.

Okay, stay in a fortified place like a basement,

lie low, watch the television and radio broadcasts,

board up the windows and the doors,

under no circumstances go to any shopping malls,

and just sit tight and wait for the helicopters to arrive.

- Well, that sounds like that would work

in the movies, but this is real life.

(screams)

- What choice do we have?

- Oh, God, please hurry, let me in.

Please, please, please let me in.

(screams)

Please, I have a child, for God's sake,

you wouldn't let your friend

get eaten by a zombie, would you?

(screams)

- Wait, it's not the zombies, it's Cassandra.

- Leave this bitch out there,

she deserves to be eaten by those.

- Let her die a horrible death, she deserves it.

- [Liza] I'm letting her in.

- Liza, no.

- Get off me.

Come on, help me, help me.

(dramatic music) (clattering)

(crying out) (dramatic music)

- Oh, disgusting.

- Thank you, you'll be glad you let me in.

I know a safe place where we can go.

- How do we know that we can trust you?

- My brother, he's a doctor.

He lives really close to here.

If the streets aren't plagued with

these things yet, we can make it.

- I don't trust doctors.

They're all womanizing, married men

who have 14 gold-digging mistresses.

- My brother's gay.

- Doctors help people.

- Well, what choice do we have?

(zombies growling) (banging)

- Come on, let's go up these stairs,

there might be a way out up there.

Come on, let's go.

(dramatic music) (zombies growling)

- There's my car, come on, we can all fit.

- Come on, Liza.

I'll protect you from the zombie predator,

let's get to the car.

(dramatic music)

(screaming) (dramatic music)

(dramatic music)

- Brains.

(screaming)

(doorbell rings)

(dramatic music)

- Oh, my God, sister.

You look worse than that time you caught

that vaginal staph infection from getting

double fisted by a guy with filthy hands.

- Brother, haven't you heard?

There are brain-hungry, bloodthirsty

zombies all over Wormwood.

I barely escaped with my life.

- Oh, and I see you had to bring these trainees with you?

- They're former schoolgirls.

I mean, Ghoul Scouts.

Anyway, I've also got the notorious Vampire Godzillas,

the surviving members, anyway.

We're hoping to stay safe from further zombie attacks

in your fortified layout.

- Of course, please come in.

Patsy, Patsy, get down here.

There are guests to be attended to.

- This is Liza, Doctor, Linda, Doctor.

Wendy, Doctor, Sherry, Doctor,

and this is Billy, Doctor, and Mickey, Doctor.

(slurping)

- Nice to meet you.

This, you see right here, this is Patsy, my man servant.

He should be taking care of all of your needs.

Let me know if he looks you in the eyes.

He knows he's not supposed to do that.

Right, Patsy?

Patsy?

I need you to go get some boards

and some nails from the workshop.

Start boarding up these windows, huh?

And then go fetch us some cocktails from the wet bar.

Chop, chop.

- Yes, yes, Doctor.

- Chop, chop.

- Right away.

- Patsy, you're taking entirely too long, as usual.

Ah.

(tray clatters)

These drinks are way too dry.

Don't be such a goddamn lady with the vermouth.

Listen, I want you to go and put ribbons

on the necks of all the baby bunnies

in the Zac Efron room, and shave their little ears again,

and then report back to me immediately.

Sorry.

I have to apologize to you for

the behavior of that man servant, Patsy.

One of my more charitable acts

is to hire the fucking retarded.

I mean, mentally challenged.

We get a little bit of a break

with our partnership with Walmart.

But please drink up.

Come in, make yourselves comfortable.

Anything you need, you let me know.

Throw something at Patsy, keep us in touch.

You know you're sitting here

in the world famous jungle room.

You know this very room has been featured

in Harper's Bazaar, Conde Nast, Italian Vogue,

International Leatherman's Quarterly, as you probably know.

And we have Patsy's dungeon.

It's where most of the little paperwork things get done.

Upstairs, we have the David Bowie room,

the Freddie Mercury room, the Marc Bolan room.

Down the hall over here and to the left

is the Keanu Reeves room, the Zac Efron room,

and the Justin Bieber room, you know the party rooms.

- So what's like downstairs?

- Downstairs is my laboratory where I'm coming up

with a couple of cures to horrible diseases,

just Crohn's disease, Lou Gehrig's disease,

restless legs syndrome, several nasty strains of hepatitis,

unnecessary amounts of anal discharge, jock itch.

Oh, and I'm also being applauded for my work

helping the poor lepers of Uzbekistan.

- Wow, you are quite a humanitarian.

- How about coming up with a cure for this crazy zombie

mess before it spreads throughout the world?

- That's an excellent idea young man.

You know autoimmune disease

are my specialty as are brain disorders.

And flesh eating bacterias of New Guinea.

- Oh, doctor, it says in my zombie holocaust

survival guide that zombieism

is a result of several possible scenarios,

industrial waste exposure, radiation from satellites,

exposure to toxic waste, the end of the world, doomsday.

- What are zombies?

- Well, I'm sure there's a very

scientific explanation for all of it.

My sister and I, we're going to get to the bottom of it.

So if you just make yourselves comfortable.

You'll excuse me.

- Of course.

Thank you, doctor.

- Stay.

Cunts.

(hammer banging)

- I think this is our chance to get out of here.

If we stay here, we're just sitting ducks.

Cassandra went upstairs, we can get out of here for good.

No one will even notice.

- Linda, are you crazy?

Patsy's boarding everything up.

This is the safest place we can stay for the night.

In the morning we'll reassess.

- Liza, you've never lived in the real world.

These two, Cassandra and her doctor brother,

they're up to no good, I can feel it.

Now's our chance to jump ship.

We can go to somewhere else and just wait it out there.

Here we don't stand a chance.

- I kind of agree with Linda.

I don't trust this Claw character

any further than I can throw him.

In fact, I wouldn't be surprised

if he's listening to our conversation right now.

- Okay, paranoid people.

Tell me, where are we going to run to then?

- We can go somewhere safe and fortified, like a basement.

- Or a shopping mall.

- Or a bar.

- We can go to the basement of the bar

in the mall, like the one that Ruby Tuesday's.

That's where I used to watch Lost.

- Great idea, Wendy.

- You know, the zombie survival guide doesn't

say anything about the basement of shopping mall bars.

Oh, but dude, there's is that

sweet ass role playing store nearby.

- You guys are all getting ahead of yourselves.

Bill, what does the book say to do

when you're already in a fortified lair?

- Fortified lair, fortified lair, fortified lair.

- That book doesn't know anything.

Now who's with me?

I say we leave before they come back downstairs.

- Well I can kind of see where she has a point.

- For God sakes, Linda, you're always trying to sabotage me.

You're always trying to control every

situation and I'm sick of it.

- Who's trying to control what, you a little bitch.

- I got it, I got it.

- Girls, girls.

Bill is trying to say something.

- Fortified lair.

Fortified lair, stay in a fortified lair

for as long as you can, turn on the television

and do everything that news anchors tell you to do.

- For those of you just tuning in,

the government has not released any official explanation

for the phenomenon which started in Bergen County,

New Jersey of the dead walking around eating the living.

We strongly advise you to stay put and not leave your house,

to lock windows and doors, and to stay put.

Stay tuned for further updates.

- See, I told you we should stay here.

- What do the news people know anyway,

I still think it's safer in the basement of Friday's.

- Ruby Tuesday's.

- Whatever.

- Is this new disease in any way

related to mad cow's disease?

And if so, do you think that your burgers are responsible?

- Well, absolutely not.

First of all, there is no evidence

that this phenomenon is a disease.

And second of all, well, there's no scientific link

between mad cow disease and this phenomenon.

- People have been seen leaving your institution,

having ordered a seventh eight pound Mc-flesh burger,

an order of fries, and a Coca-Cola,

and shortly thereafter have become the living dead.

- Well, that's preposterous.

- Look at what happened to Chainsaw Mike

and Johnny Severed Goat's Head.

They were infected by this,

whatever it is, before they were even bitten.

I don't get it.

We're with them all day

and because we already had the Boba Fett action figures

we didn't even go to McDonald's.

- I'm telling you that TV doesn't know anything.

I still think that basement is a good alternative.

How do we know that Les Bush

and her doctor brother aren't the ones responsible for this?

- He's a humanitarian.

Does he at least eat fish?

- I'm here at the residence

of renowned neurologist, Dr. Ned Beatty.

Doctor, wait, is your name

really Ned Beatty, like the actor?

- My findings indicate that the disease

is intricately related to the central nervous system.

- You didn't answer my question.

- It is important to recognize that

the phenomena is spread by the bitten victim.

The bite is how the infection is spread.

This is important in this phenomenon to realize

that it's either an infection or a disease.

Also to kill the living dead, you need a gunshot

to the head, to the head or their brains

must be destroyed in some other manner.

- You were bitten weren't you Liza?

Where did all the blood that you had on you come from?

- How do we know you weren't the one bitten?

There you go, blaming others.

- Go on, examine me, bitch.

- Okay, none of us were bit.

And even if we were, what would we do about it?

Shoot each other in the head?

We've got to stick together.

We've got to stop alienating each other.

- This bulletin just in, police and officials

have released descriptions of the undead.

It seems there are an overwhelming number

of white males in their early twenties with messy hair,

tattoos, body piercings, wearing tight blue jeans,

T-shirts, and hooded sweatshirts.

- Yes, it seems that establishments

such as American Apparel, the Apple store,

vegan restaurants, and vintage and thrift shops

are being overrun by the returning dead.

It's like they're going back to the places

they used to frequent when they were alive.

We're here at Academy Records where

the living that are showing up in hundreds,

and apparently they only sell albums on vinyl.

I'm here with Jim Hoosier, and Jim,

do you have any comment on that?

- It's kind of like before,

but I get to shoot them in the head.

It's not very good for business.

- Sorry, what about that guy right there?

(groans)

- He's a nice guy.

He's a nice guy.

- And then there's this report.

Take it Scotty.

(yelling)

- All over the New York and New Jersey area,

local residents are banding together

(static) help on zombies.

I'm here with.

- Oh shit!

(yelling)

Come on, get him.

(screaming) (eerie music)

- Come one, the news has become so sensational.

There's got to be something else

on like the Spice channel or something.

- Hey, the doors and the windows are all boarded up.

I think we're perfectly safe.

I don't see why we can't enjoy ourselves a little.

- Well, you have a point.

We're definitely in for the night

and there's nothing left to do until morning.

(upbeat music)

- Okay, you know what?

Clearly this bottle is possessed

because I am so tired of French kissing my best friend.

Thank God for CinnaMints.

Let's try truth or dare.

Who wants to go first?

- [Linda] I will.

- Okay, let's see what you're made of.

- Liza, truth or dare.

- Truth.

- Have you ever been fired from an airline stewardess job?

- Linda, don't, don't you dare.

- For being an incompetent drunk,

stealing vodka, and vomiting in your uniform.

- Fuck you.

(dramatic music)

- Liza, it's okay.

I've been in love with you ever since my family's trip

to Disneyland, which was tragically cut short when

my father fell into a coma

after being served the wrong drink.

But that doesn't matter because he was a bastard anyway.

- I love you too.

(dramatic music)

- Oh my God, oh my God.

Oh my God, stop.

Stop.

Stop, okay.

You guys are ruining my life.

And by that, I mean this game

with your how to lose a guy in 10 days crap.

All right.

If I am ever to feel the welcoming embrace

of a glistening vulva, any time in my life,

I'm going to have to take serious

control of this situation, okay?

So Sherrie, truth or dare.

- Truth.

Kidding, dare.

- I dare you to kiss me on the mouth with tongue.

- Wow, is that it?

I thought you were going to amp this up.

Have me put a cock ring on a rubber chicken

or 10 minutes with me in the closet

so I can prove I'm blowjob queen of the East coast.

Or who knows, maybe even tie a cherry stem with my lips.

Do you want to be blindfolded?

- Yeah.

♪ Baby trying to get back home ♪

♪ I went back in Louisiana ♪

♪ Whatever good bar aint going ♪

♪ I tried to tell you ♪

♪ Austen aint my home ♪

- Okay, that's enough for you birthday boy.

Wendy, truth or dare?

- Which one is the dare?

- Dare.

- Okay, dare.

- I dare you go downstairs and see what doctor do-good

and miss preggers are really up to

in their top secret laboratory.

- Actually, that's a good idea.

I've been wondering what those guys been up to.

- Okay.

- [Liza] Wendy, be careful.

- I'll be fine.

I used to play lots of this game

with the high school football team

when I was in middle school.

Go bear tigers.

(trumpeting)

(dramatic music)

- Now you know sister that I'm evil.

In fact, I'm one of the most evil doctors

the world has ever known.

But the zombie epidemic, it's not my evil doing.

The serum I created would have turned

red blooded American hipster boys into

my own personal lobotomized sex slaves, not these.

These gnarl toothed dick eaters.

I shutter to think.

This Mickey and Bill you have brought me,

if I could perfect my serum,

I can use the two of them as my human Guinea pigs.

- Well we've got to something about that plague of zombies.

Isn't there some kind of antiserum you can come up with.

- Perhaps.

Well, all I'd have to do is take

some stem cells from the umbilical cord

of that unborn baby, run it through my opisometer

and there might very well be a way out of this mess.

And I could perfect the serum, and then rule the world.

My power will be strong and elite.

- And then we can open up a whole legion of Dress Barns,

then maybe a Fashion Bug, maybe even a Mervyn's.

- Let's not get ahead of ourselves.

We still have those tranny sluts to get out of the way.

- Reform school girls, I mean Ghoul Scouts.

- Yeah, yeah, and then Mickey

and Bill will forever be in my control.

By morning I should have the antidote,

and then I can have the serum perfected.

I still don't understand what it is I did wrong,

but by the morning, everything will be perfect.

In the meantime, we still have to get rid of these sluts.

- Sorry about that troublemaker, Liza,

perhaps we can feed her to your tied up zombies over here.

- I like your thinking sis,

and I know father would be proud too.

- You can do it.

- We can help.

- You can do it.

- We can help.

- [Both] You can do it.

We can help.

Fashion at a fraction.

(Claw laughs)

(Wendy screams)

- What was that?

(suspenseful music)

(Wendy screams)

- Wendy, is that you?

(Wendy screams)

- Oh my God, the doctor's killing her.

- What?

- You guys, arm yourselves with the hors d'oeuvre cutlery.

Let's go, come on.

(dramatic music)

- Take this Kyle, fuck you.

Take that.

(zombie grunting) (whacking)

Fiend, take this cock.

- What are you doing?

- Flee, I'm the one saving the day,

in case you haven't noticed.

What don't you put my coq au vin to good use.

Now since you've ruined it with your girl fingers.

(dramatic music)

♪ I get a chill down my spine ♪

♪ In the night they come to take my life ♪

♪ And I know I won't see morning light ♪

♪ In the dawn babe, I'll be gone ♪

♪ And they're going to eat my brains ♪

♪ Drive me insane, be one of their own ♪

♪ You know they got me these fucking zombies ♪

♪ I'm gonna be one of them tonight, one of them tonight ♪

♪ You know they got me, these fucking zombies ♪

- Oh my God, she's been bitten, badly.

She's going to turn into one of them.

- Please.

- You guys, zombie holocaust survivor guide, chapter one,

if someone is bitten by a zombie

you have to kill them or they'll turn into a zombie.

- It's all my fault.

- Cassandra, mint clits.

- Let me do it.

- No, it's nobody's fault.

It's just a terrible, terrible accident.

And I'll do it.

- Let me do this.

(dramatic music)

(Wendy growls)

- No, I can.

(screams)

(gun fires)

- Jesus Christ.

- Patsy, what are you doing out of your cage?

Get back in that dungeon and finish your paperwork.

No one asked you to be here.

March!

- Yes master.

- Why is he so mean to that retarded guy?

He saved our lives.

- I'm going to retire back to my laboratory.

Someone has to continue

this tireless search to find the anecdote.

If anyone needs me.

- All right, listen up, cunts.

Your friend damn near just got us killed.

Fun time's over.

If you're going to call this place your home,

you're going to have to continue by my rules.

We've got to initiate zombie watch, sleeping shifts.

- Told you we should have went

to the basement of the bar at the mall.

- Friday's.

- No, it was Tuesdays.

It was Ruby Tuesday's near the role playing game store.

That's where she would go to watch Lost.

(dramatic music)

- We should all draw straws to see the order

in which we should do the zombie watch.

Each of us can take a four hour shift.

- [Mickey] Great idea, babe.

- Yeah, you're right.

- Wow, thanks.

- Thanks.

- [Mikey] Looking good, Patsy.

- Oh, I'm always getting the short end of the straw.

I'll see you at four a.m.

(ominous music)

- So how many bedrooms are there?

- Well it looks like there's two here

and there's another one down the hall.

So me and Liza can share because we're in love

and stuff, and you guys can have separate rooms.

- Where are you going blindfold boy?

You didn't think we'd be the only ones

in this house not getting any did you?

Huh, well did you?

- No.

- You bet your sweet ass.

(gentle music)

- Whoa, Freddie lives.

(gentle music)

From the moment I first saw you

in your flight attendant uniform,

serving ginger ale to sun burnt tourists,

I knew you were meant to be my D&D fantasy girl.

The Joanie to my Chachi, the pawn to knight seven

takes queen to rook four, my princess in another castle.

My April the reporter with red hair,

you're like the cheerleader in Revenge of the Nerds,

although I didn't need a Darth Vader mask to take you home.

- Nicky, I love you, but we've only got four hours

and you are on your way

to taking up three and a half of them.

- Yes, give me more, more squeals.

Squeals, come on little piggy.

(gentle music) (moaning)

Louder.

- Motherfucker.

- Naughty, naughty piggy.

(dramatic music) (moaning)

- Oh, is that too much milk?

Oh a little more.

(screaming)

Piggy.

Come on, say you're sorry, say you're sorry.

- [Billy] I'm sorry.

- Come on squeal, piggy.

Piggy, squeal, squeal.

Faster, faster.

- Okay, yes, ma'am.

- Oh, that's right.

Yes, who?

Oh that's it.

(gentle music)

(dramatic music)

(gentle music)

(Sherrie pukes)

Take that, motherfucker.

- Oh, yes ma'am.

- No, I love you most.

I love you.

- I love you.

- No, I love you.

(gentle music)

- How's my little jailbird?

I didn't want you to have to be down here all alone.

- I don't feel so well.

- [Cassandra] I know something

that will make you feel better.

- No, seriously, I feel like total shit.

- [Cassandra] You know, you were always my favorite Linda.

After all this is over, I'm going

to let you manage all my chain stores.

- That's really nice of you Cassandra,

but I just need to be left alone.

- I can't leave you alone right now, Linda,

not with you not feeling good and all.

Let me just rub your shoulders.

You'll feel much better.

(gentle music)

You were such a hot little cheerleader

when you came to our school.

I always held out the most hope for you.

(dramatic music)

(Linda growls)

Baby, you're a feisty little one.

I thought you weren't feeling well.

♪ What's your favorite song ♪

- Oh shit.

Jesus, God, no.

(Cassandra screaming) (gentle music)

(whacking) (gentle music)

♪ But I found out that was real ♪

♪ You're standing at my door ♪

♪ You're everything I want and more ♪

♪ Cause love is all you need ♪

♪ At the end of the day ♪

(Cassandra whimpering)

♪ Say you won't be mad ♪

♪ Oh baby ♪

♪ I just quit my job ♪

♪ You're crazy ♪

(Cassandra whimpering)

♪ That place never was your style ♪

(Cassandra crying out)

♪ A romance is easy to find ♪

(Cassandra crying out)

- Mickey, you're not like other men.

Do you know that?

- Yeah.

- Am I like other women you've had?

- No, you're not like any of them.

- I love you.

- I love you too.

(baby growling)

(Cassandra growling) (baby growling)

(eerie music)

- They're coming to get you, Barbara.

- Stop it, you're ignorant.

- They're coming for you, Barbara.

- Stop it.

You're acting like a child.

- They're coming for you.

Look.

There comes one of them now.

- You should get some sleep

before I have to go replace Linda.

- Yeah, okay babe.

- Good night.

- [Sherrie] Yeah.

- Fuck me, Sherri.

- Oh Billy.

Oh yes, oh yes.

- What the fuck?

(Sherri screams)

Oh my fucking God!

Fuck!

(baby growling)

Oh my fucking God!

(dramatic music)

Mother fucker.

(Billy screaming)

(alarm ringing)

- It's time for me to replace Linda.

- Okay, babe.

I'll go with you, I don't want you to be alone.

- Are you sure?

- Yeah.

I don't want to have you alone in there.

(zombies growling)

Holy shit!

(zombies growling)

(zombies growling) (Liza screaming)

(head whacking) (liza screaming)

What is that?

Oh my God!

- Oh my God!

(baby splats)

(liza chomps)

(dramatic music)

I'll take the bitch, you take the baby.

- What should I do with it?

- I don't know!

Throw it out the window or something.

(bottle shatters)

Die, die, die, bitch!

(Patsy snoring)

- Damn it Patsy, I'm at my wit's end.

I've been up all night

trying to create this blessed antidote.

I just don't understand

what it is I could have possibly done wrong.

- Oh, Doctor, that's terrible.

I'm so sorry.

Come put your head on Patsy's shoulder.

- Oh, Patsy.

You've always been there for me when I needed you.

Patsy, I've treated you terrible.

I've taken advantage of you.

You're so special.

- No, Doctor, no you haven't.

- Oh, but I have.

What's more, Patsy, I love you.

I've been looking for love in all

these tight-pantsed indie rock hipster boys,

and I never stopped to see

what was right in front of my own face.

Now I've created a mess that even

my genius mind can't figure a way out of.

- Oh Doctor.

Oh Doctor.

- Patsy, there's no need to speak.

I can tell by the look in your eyes

that you feel the same way.

Even though your asshole is small,

your heart is as big as the oceans combined.

I'll pack our bags.

You go tell Cassandra that we're leaving.

Leaving, and we're never coming back.

I have a boat, and I know of an island we can escape to.

- Okay Doctor, but also.

- Patsy, whatever it is, Patsy, it's going to have to wait.

Those boards and nails,

they're not going to hold the zombies out for much longer.

- Okay Doctor, right away.

- Mr. Puggles?

- [Patsy] Yes?

- I love you.

- Why God?

Why?

Why?

(thunder rolls)

(dramatic music)

You will all respect the bringer of the truth.

The lover of light and life.

The true hipster apocalypse.

The world no longer welcomes boys

with tight pants and trust funds.

You will all suffer the wrath of Patsy.

(dramatic music)

(vial clatters)

(dramatic music)

(gentle chords)

(thunder rolls)

- Zombies are getting in.

We've got to get out of here.

- Okay, babe.

- Let's see where this leads.

- Look, they're in here too.

- It's all right.

They're chained up.

Is he keeping them as pets?

- Maybe he caught some of these things

and he's using them to work on the antidote.

- That doesn't explain their wardrobe.

- I think this is Dr. Claw's top secret laboratory.

- You're going to have to

come over here and take a look at this.

- What is it?

- Hey.

I know that guy.

He's in that all naked cover band, Nudist Priest.

And that's the guy in the lispy Black Flag

cover band, Black Fag.

That's Johnny Severed Goat's Head.

And that's Chainsaw Mike.

But that means.

- Oh my God.

Mickey.

I will hold to the highest ethics

no matter what the situation.

I will never eat the merchandise under any circumstances.

Bullshit!

That means Bush had us selling Tagadongs

and Thin Clits that turned people into zombies.

- Why would she do that?

Did she have some kind of death wish?

- It must have been the doctor.

He's responsible.

Look, it's all here in black and white.

It makes perfect sense.

You and Bill didn't eat any of the cookies.

- Then my dairy allergy saved my life.

But Johnny Severed Goat's Head and Chainsaw Mike

were my best friends, and it's this guy who's responsible.

- Right.

This doctor is pure evil,

and I sensed it the moment I saw him.

- I'm not pure evil.

I'm just a sad little man who likes boys

in tight jeans and ironic band t-shirts.

I never wanted any of this.

I just wanted some beautiful boys

for my legitimate adult entertainment business.

- You killed Johnny Severed Goat's Head.

And you killed Chainsaw Mike.

And you turned my best friend Bill Firewire

into a half-eaten zombie torso.

You're a pathetic, sick little worm of a man, Doctor.

And you deserve nothing less than to be.

- Bill Firewire's severed torso is not my doing.

Don't you understand?

I wanted these boys sucking cock, not eating flesh.

Besides, I'm the only one who can come up with the antidote.

- He might be right, Mickey.

Hold on.

- I'm going to cut this worm

in two like we cut his bitch sister.

I'm going to decapitate him so you won't come back.

- You killed Cassandra?

Stop.

- You like these hipsters?

They look like they want to fuck you, all right.

Turn around and fuck these hipsters

before I fucking cut you in two.

- Mickey!

- You're going to push me into these.

- - Fuck these hipsters before

I fucking slit your throat.

(Claw screaming) (heart beating)

When there's no more room on earth,

the evil doctors will join their dead sisters in hell.

(dramatic music)

- What do you think he meant by that?

Maybe we shouldn't have let him die.

He was working on an antidote.

- After he was done with this?

He was a sick worm and a pervert,

and this world is better off without him.

- I'm scared when you're angry.

It's actually really sexy.

I've never seen that side of you.

These keys must belong to something.

We can look for the car and go to the marina.

I know how to hot-wire boats.

- Great idea, babe.

- Patsy, we're getting the hell

out of here if you want to come.

- Where's Doctor?

- Oh, about the doctor.

- We tried to save him, but it was too late.

The zombies downstairs got him.

- No, no, Doctor!

- Hurry up and get your stuff,

we're running out of here quick.

I'm really sorry.

- Why did you invite him?

That's that worm's sidekick.

- Mickey, that man or whatever he is,

he didn't know what he was doing.

He was a victim just as much as us.

Can't you see that?

He was just a small pawn in Dr. Claw's evil game.

If we don't take him with us,

it's like leaving a helpless dog here to die.

- I don't know, Liza.

- Trust me.

Have I ever led you astray?

- No, babe.

- Come on.

Let's go.

(dramatic music)

- They're no good?

- Maybe the van.

- Yes good idea.

(dramatic music)

That worm's retarded henchman, we should just leave him.

He's probably gotten himself dead by now.

Why should we risk our lives?

- Trust me, baby.

We give him five minutes.

- Dr. Claw!

(dramatic music)

My love.

No, Doctor, no!

I didn't mean for it to be like this.

We're supposed to run away together.

Doctor, my love.

No, it's not fair!

(dramatic chord)

Foul play!

That dirty twink and his tranny friend.

Doctor, I will avenge your death, I will!

Where's the serum?

You have my word.

(zombies growling)

- Patsy, be careful!

- They didn't bite you, did they?

- No, master Mickey.

- Patsy, we aren't your masters.

We're your friends.

- Yes, Miss Liza, friends.

(dramatic music)

- [Mickey] Liza, darling.

I was thinking about getting in a late tea time.

Do you want to grab some oysters afterward?

- Sweety, Patsy's making dinner tonight.

He's been talking about it all week.

How could you forget?

- Do you really think he can cook?

- Apparently when he was in that cage,

he watched nothing but Emeril and Rachael Ray.

- Great.

Let's check it out.

- [Radio] It's been exactly a year since the Wormwood,

New Jersey outbreak of the living dead.

Experts are still befuddled as to

the cause of this great disaster

which had spread as far as Brooklyn,

- [Patsy] Master is very nice to Patsy.

- [Radio] Residents banding together.

Here we have Grover Oregon, one of the heroes

of the massacre of the Bushlick Food Coop.

- [Man] You know, it was really easy to get support.

My cousin Victor, who put down twelve of those (beeps)

in the produce aisle, still calls

it the happiest day of his life.

- Master's are taking good care of Patsy.

- [Liza] Thank you.

- [Patsy] Okay.

Food for you, Master.

- Patsy.

- Thank you.

- I had no idea.

- [Patsy] Enjoy.

- I just don't know where to start.

Thanks, Patsy.

- My God.

(glasses clink)

(food crunching)

- This is for your memory, Doctor!

(opera singing)

- That was the greatest meal of my life.

- I can't wait.

- Master, you haven't even had your dessert.

- Oh, I wish I could.

- Don't worry, it's dairy free.

- In that case, how could I resist?

Oh my God.

Oh my God, it's so good.

Bravo, Patsy.

Bravo.

- Patsy, what's that interesting flavor?

- It's just ease time, it's just got

that strange aftertaste, but you'll get used to it.

(opera singing)

(plates shatter)

(opera singing)

(engine rumbling)

- Yeah, oh yeah.

- Mommy, do you want some soup?

Salt or pepper?

Salt?

- Okay, salt, salt, sweetie.

(dramatic music)

Mommy, mommy look!

Momma!

Momma, look!

Mommy!

(woman screams)

(dramatic music) (zombies growling)

(dramatic music)

♪ Gonna tell you women, bout a suave monsier ♪

♪ He's a mean operator, comes from gay Paree ♪

♪ Trés debonair with a bad-ass style ♪

♪ Oh don't you know he drives the mademoiselles wild ♪

♪ Sexy sexy french motherfucker yeah ♪

♪ Got his pick of women, never mind the beaux ♪

♪ Gotta a way of winning, lotta losers know ♪

♪ Trés debonair with a bad-ass style ♪

♪ Oh don't you know he drives the mademoiselles wild ♪

♪ Sexy sexy french motherfucker yeah ♪

♪ Ooh la la, mon cheri ♪

♪ Sexy French fucker's got something on me ♪

♪ Looking á gauche, looking á droite, ♪

♪ Looking so bad he's got a rendezvous tonight ♪

♪ Ooh la la, mon cheri ♪

♪ Sexy French fucker's got something on me ♪

♪ Looking á gauche, looking á droite ♪

♪ Looking so bad he's got a rendezvous tonight ♪

♪ Gotta an eye on Marie, gotta an eye on Claire ♪

♪ Gotta a bad reputation, so you'd best beware ♪

♪ Trés debonair with a bad-ass style ♪

♪ Oh don't you know he drives the mademoiselles wild ♪

♪ Sexy sexy french motherfucker yeah ♪

♪ Trés debonair with a bad-ass style ♪

♪ Oh don't you know he drives the mademoiselles wild ♪

♪ Sexy sexy french motherfucker yeah ♪

- [Crew] And mark it.

- [Crew] Okay.

- [Crew] And action.

- Oh my God, Sister.

You look worse than that third time

you lost the all ages bukkake competition.

Oh my God, Sister, you look awful.

Have you gone on another meth-fueled anal to mouth binge?

Oh my God, Sister, you look worse

than the time you got toxic shock

from that whiskey and Xanax enema.

Oh my God, Sister, you look worse

than the time you got finger banged

by those homeless mole people underneath the A train.

Oh my God, Sister, you look worse

than that time we ran out of cups

and you used your vagina to play beer pong.

Oh my God, Sister, you look worse

than the time you were the bottom

at that Wiccan raccoon menstruation ritual.

Of course, please.

Come in.

Come right in.

- [Crew] Cut.

(punk music)

(punk French singing)