All language subtitles for Mom S08E02 Smitten Kitten and a Tiny Boo-boo Error

Previously onMom...How you doing over there?

I'm good. Really good.

You have a lot to be proud of.

Damn right.Georgetown Law School

on a full scholarship.

Every mom dreams of the day
when they drop

their 42-year-old daughter off
at the airport to go to school.

Why are you beingsuch a grouchy, grumpy,

grocery-store-cake-buyingsourpuss?

My doctor told me

that I have something wrong
with my heart.

You got plans for Saturday?

I'm gonna get my tires rotated.

Yeah, you are.

You can make anything dirty.

Yeah, I can.

I'm also gonna devote
part of my day to mocking you

for forgetting
our wedding anniversary.

My God, it's Saturday?

We made it to a year.

Damn it! I owe Wendy
a hundred bucks.

You bet against us?

Yeah, 'cause I figured
if we got divorced,

at least I'd have a hundredbucks to jump-start my new life.

Are we gonna do gifts?

We...Let me tell you why we're not.

This one sets the bar,
then every year

it's got to be a little better,
and eventually

it just spins out of control.

Did you know
that on the 50th anniversary,

people give
each other actual gold?

I don't need to be shopping
for gold at 110.

But let's at least do a card.

Really? A card?

Yeah, well, i-if we don't
do that, we're just roommates.

No, we're not.We're gonna have sex.

That's true. Sex is our card.

And you can lick the envelope.

Where are you going?Nowhere, I just felt like

you should be watching
my ass as I said that.

Where's your wallet?
I need a hundred bucks.

- Marjorie, alcoholic.
- Hi, Marjorie.

As you know, I just had
a stent put into my heart

and I'm feeling pretty great,
but it got me thinking

that I need to put
more carpe into my diem.

So...

I invited my friend Gary
to come visit.

We bumped into each other

at a sober convention in Chicago
a few months ago

and we've been
texting ever since.

What happened to Wayne?

He's still in the picture.

It's like an episode
of Riverdale.

Normally I take things
very slow, but why?

I like him, he likes me,
I have new moles every week,

let's light this candle.

Thanks.

Are moles really
that dangerous?

Yeah, they shouldjust call them cancer dots.

Bonnie, alcoholic.ALL: Hi, Bonnie.

If you're wondering
if this program works,

I just want to say I have been
married for a whole year.

My God,I won a hundred bucks.

My God, I'm covered
in cancer dots.

I hate it when we sitat the tables.

The chairs areall wibbly-wobbly.

We need the extra room.Marjorie's bringing Gary.

She's so excited, I had to give
my opinion on three nightgowns.

There's three kinds of flannel?

Only one was flannel.

One was, I think, burlap.

And there was a racy one
with a neckline down to here.

Hi, ladies.ALL: Hey.

This is Gary.

Hi, Gary.Hi, Gary.

Wendy, Bonnie,Tammy and Jill.

Hi. Great to put some faces
with the names.

How was your flight?

Pilot was flying a little low

for my taste, but I'm here.

Gary.

That was, that was funny?

Maybe he's doing something
to her under the table.

So, Tammy,
you're the handyman, right?

How's that going?

Going great.
I'm actually about to buy

my first truck.

Really? In this economy?

If it were me, I'd
give it six months.

Thanks, Gary.

I mean, you know,
you get in too deep,

and before you know it,
you're living in that truck.

I said, "Thanks, Gary."

Ooh, you're the one with the
phone permanently attached.

I don't mean to be rude,I'm just making a quick donation

to a charityfor underprivileged girls.

They had an ad on Instagramthat got me right in the feels.

If it were me,
I wouldn't go online.

Yeah, it's too risky.
Just write a check.

If there's one thingI'm good at,

it's spending money online.

No, I'm not a robot.

Traffic light,traffic light, traffic light.

Why are you wearing a sweater?

News flash,
you live in California.

I'm chilly.

Gary, have you ever thought
of being a life coach?

Nah, I don't like
sticking my nose

in other people's business.

You ready to order?

Yes, I'll have
a grilled cheese.

With your bum ticker?

If it was me,
I'd get the Greek salad.

Gary.

Greek salad.

It's sweet the way
you look out for me.

My God.
What?

$50,000? I only meant
to donate $500.

Wouldn't have happened
with a check. Patty melt?

Hey, Bobbi, Jill Kendall
is here to say hello.

My goodness.

It is such a pleasureto meet you.

You're my hero.

Please, sit down.

Sorry I didn't
make an appointment.

Are you kidding?
You gave $50,000.

You can come at 2:00
in the morning if you want.

About that...

You have no idea
how much your money

is gonna help these girls.

This is the largest donationthe Inspired Girl Project

has ever received.

About that, um, I made
a little, tiny boo-boo error.

Um, I meant to donate $500,
but I forgot the decimal point.

Silly me.

Um, so, if you could just
shoot me back $49,500,

I would be so appreciative.

You're asking
for your money back?

No, not the money
I intended to give,

just the money I did
not intend to give.

Um, the $500 is all yours.

Don't spend it all in one place.

Or do. This place.

Okay.

$500 is very generous

and we can doa lot with it.

Sorry to interrupt,
but the girls would like

to perform a song to thank
Miss Kendall for her donation.

No song.Yeah, no song.

What do you think
they're gonna do, Bonnie?

Think they're gonna love it or
think they're gonna list it?

If it was me, I'd list it.

My God. "If it was me."

I'm turning into Gary.

Stop pretending
to be asleep.

Well, then, go home.

No. Home is where
the Gary is.

He's not that bad.

You've had one lunch with him.
I've had three days.

Did you know
I open my mail wrong?

"You're supposed to do it
on the end so you don't

accidentally rip a check."

That's not bad advice.

Yeah, but I didn't say to him,

"Hey, Gary, any thoughts
on how I open my mail?"

I'm telling you, you wouldn't
last five minutes with the guy.

Challenge accepted. Adam and I
are having dinner with them

on Saturday.

God, why?

Because she's my friend,
and she's a million years old

and she found herself
a million-year-old fella

who's into her.

I think that's worthy
of my support.

Well, speaking of support,

Gary's gonna have a few
thoughts on that bra of yours.

Nothing creepy, just
advice about materials.

So are Bonnie and Ijust gonna share you

like divorced parentsuntil Gary leaves?

Honestly, the more I try
to be nice to him,

the more I want
to a little bit murder him.

Aw, that girl's adorable.

Is this the charity
you took $49,500 from?

I prefer to see the glass
as $500 full.

I'm just teasing.
500 bucks is a lot.

It gets them
two new computers

for their science lab.

And look, a thousand
dollar donation

gets 20 girls
after-school tutoring.

It feels so good to share
with the less fortunate

instead of always thinking
about me, me, me.

Hey, I didn't get a mug.

$500 is mug level.
Where's my mug?

"The Inspired Girl
Project provides programs,

"resources and mentors
to at-risk girls

so they can grow into
empowered women."

Fine, I'll let the mug go.

You know, a lot of these girls
are in the foster system.

Man, this would've been
a game changer for me.

Music camp?

I'd be a professional
flutist by now.

Flautist.

Well, whatever, I'd be
rolling in flautist money.

Then I could make a
donation to this charity

and I'd actually
let them keep it.

My fish is delicious.How's your dinner?

I don't know, I can barely
find it, it's so dark in here.

There it is.

So, what do you do, Gary?

I was a middle school
vice principal 38 years.

When he retired, they nameda snack bar after him.

What is going on
with your steak?

You ordered medium rare.
It looks like a shingle.

It's fine.

Waiter, waiter.Gary,

he says it's okay.

Well, I am not letting him
eat that.

Is there a problem?

Well, you tell me.

My friend's steak
here is so overdone

I could play hockey with it.

Gary was a goalie.

I'm sorry, sir.
We'll make another.

It'll only be 20 minutes.

20 minutes for medium rare?

You know, if it
was me, I'd try 12.

So Adam's just gonna
sit here while we eat?

I'm fine.I'll take another Scotch.

There's so few times
I wish I could join you.

This is one of them.

Happy anniversary.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What'd you just say?

Anniversary?

Yeah.

I did not realize it was today.

Congratulations.

How long you been married?

One year.

And you're spending it with us?

You know, my first anniversary,
I took my wife to Hawaii.

Breakfast buffet every day.

We didn't wantto make it a thing.

Well, I am making it a thing.

Everybody.

A toast.

Happy anniversary
to Bonnie, and...

what was it?

Adam.It's hard to remember

'cause it wasthe first name ever.

We had a great time!

Let's do it again!

They can still see us,
so if you're gonna

say something negative,
just do it with a smile.

He's my least favorite personon the planet.

Just had a chance
to run him over.

Didn't take it.If it was me,I would have done it.

The nerve of that guy,
telling me white chocolate

isn't real chocolate.

Get off my jock, Willy Wonka.

Bonnie, he told me how
to operate my wheelchair.

Okay, okay.

Gary is her new boyfriend.

We've got to stop
bad-mouthing him.

You're right.You're right.

No more. We're done.

We didn't talk about what
he said to the valet.

"You should organize your keys
alphabetically by car name."

As if he doesn't know how
to organize keys.

The guy's entire life is keys.

I wish Gary was hereso he could tell us

how to do that better.

Why'd you bring himup?

I could have gone again.

I'm gonna say somethingto Marjorie.

She deserves morethan that guy.

Please don't do that.Why not?

She might pick him over you.

I'm not asking her to pick.

She might feel like
she has to.

You don't know whatyou're talking about.

Yeah, I do.

It's why I'm not friends
with Mitch anymore.

What?

He is not a big
Bonnie Plunkett fan.

He went off about you
one day, so...

I ended our friendship.

That lying sack of dirtdoesn't like me?

The point is I choose you.

And you tell me thison our anniversary?

The point is I choose you.

What, exactly,did he say about me?

The point is I choose you.

What did he say?

He said you're loud,
opinionated and stubborn.

That's fair.

Hey, Jilly-Jill.

Hey, Shawn, what you got
for me today?

So many good things.

Start at the feet
and work our way up?

That's how my boyfriend does it.

I know these don't look
comfortable, and they're not,

but how gorgeous are they?

Meghan Markle just wore them
to a Mommy and Me,

and now you can't
find them anywhere.

Love. How much?

Enough to pay for
computer coding classes

for 30 at-risk girls.

I'm sorry, what'd you just say?

$1,500.

Right. Of course.

Imagine them with these pants.

They're handmade
Italian leather,

and they could send
100 girls to science camp,

which would basically
change the world.

What is happening?

Excuse me?

Nothing.

What about this little
slice of heaven?

It's actually on sale
for 500 hot school lunches,

like the one your friend
Tammy never had.

My God, I'm in hell.

You're right.
I hate it, too.

What if I told you
your bag came in?

Wait, thebag?

Thebag.

My God, yes! Okay.

Go ahead, ring me up.
Walk away.

Bonnie.

Glad you're here.

Hey.

Now that you've spent
some time with Gary,

what do you think?

I've got to be honest.

He is amazing.

Good. That means a lot to me,

'cause I'm one smitten kitten.

Aw, I bet you're gonna miss himwhen he goes back to Chicago.

I know I will.

Can you keep a secret?Not really, no.

A few more visits
like this one

and I might let Gary
pack me up in his suitcase

and take me to
the Windy City.

Whoa, that's a little fast.

Well, I'm not getting
any younger.

You know, Victor and I,

we used to talk about
going to Paris.

And I thought it would
be too expensive,

so we put it off
and we put it off,

and he died.

Life is short.

I'm sure it'll feel longerwith Gary.

Wow, that's
a snazzy pocketbook.

Yep, very special.

Only five of 'em in the world,blah, blah, blah.

What's wrong, sweetie?

Yeah. Normally when youget a new purse,

you hold it uplike The Lion King.

I know. A bag like thisusually gives me a buzz

for three to sixbusiness days,

but I feel nothing.

I look at it, nothing.Touch it, nothing.

Nothing.

Maybe you should havebought something with batteries.

What?

Gary just sent me the
funniest Far Sidecartoon,

where the cats are
smarter than humans.

Gary...Gary...

Hey, Jill, what do you got
in that candy basket?

There's Mars Bars,
Nestle Crunch, Twix,

Red Vines, KitKat, Reese'sPeanut Butter Cups and M&Ms.

No Good & Plenty?

No, just the sevenI mentioned.

I'll pass.

You like Twix.

Not for a movie.

Who brings a man to
ladies movie night?

I mean, it's Beaches,for God's sake.

And if he doesn't sobwhen Barbara Hershey dies,

I swear to God...

Shh!

Did I just get shushed
in my own damn screening room?

He's big on the shushing.

He probably shushes Marjorieduring sex.

He does not.

Hey, birds in the back row,

if it was me, I'd go
to another room.

It's a big house.
Plenty of choices.

Unlike your candy selection.

Between you and me,

I do have Good & Plentysin the pantry,

but I am not gettingon a step stool for that man.

Wow. You know,
this really is gorgeous.

Yeah, who cares?

What?

I hope you know youruined shopping for me.

I used to love spending moneyon myself.

Now all I can see isa bunch of little Tammys

getting screwed out ofopportunities they deserve.

Wow, look at you, caring more
about other people

than about how you look.

Now, that can't be true.

All right.

Which one makes you happier?

Think faster,
the purse is heavy.

Empowered little girls,

or a dead cow
with a scarf on it.

Damn it!

We had to get out of there.

Gary and Marjorie are
sucking face.

Okay, I have to ask.

What does she like
about that man?

I can't figure it out,

and I find the good
in everybody.

I'm an alcoholic.
My name is Gary.

Hi, Gary.

I see you do the one aisle
down the middle.

I mean, if it was me,
I'd do two aisles.

You know, more end seats.

Or do folks not have
to pee in Napa?

My sobriety date is
April 10, 1995.

My wife was pregnant
with our son,

and, you know,
she'd had it with me.

She threw me out,
and I thought, um,

great, I get to drink
the way I want.

And that is the scariest thoughtI ever had in my life.

I realized that I was...

picking alcohol over my family.

So I ended up in a meeting,
and I've been sober ever since.

And my son is 25 years old now,
and...

he's struggling with
his own addiction.

It's brought me to my knees.

I mean, the other day
I was at a meeting,

and, you know, I hadn't
heard from him in-in months.

I was spinning.

You know,
I-I could just picture him

overdosing somewhere, alone.

And, my buddy came up to me,and he...

he pointed to this-this shaky
newcomer across the room.

He was a young guy,
and he said to me,

"You know,
that's somebody's son, too.

Why don't you see if
he wants a cup of coffee."

Now I get to sponsor that kid.

And he's doing great.

Maybe someday a guy will

get myson a cup of coffee.

You know, I used to drink
because

I didn't know what was
gonna happen.

And now I stay sober
for that same reason.

And are we absolutely sure thatthe number on this check

is the number you want to give?Sure am.

Then brace yourself
'cause I'm coming in.

This place is amazing!

An 11-year-old just programmed
a robot to scratch my back,

and now I'm headed
to the kitchen garden

to learn how to plant bok choy.
Come on!

Looks like you got a new
little girl in your program.

Do you do music here?We do.

You should probably
hide the flutes.

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