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WELCOME BACK FOR WHAT HAS BECOME ELECTION
WEEK IN AMERICA. I'M WOLF BLITZER AND I'VE BEEN
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AWAKE SO LONG THAT MY WEIRD
STUBBLY BEARD FINALLY MAKES SENSE.
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I'M JOINED BY JOHN KING, WHO'S
BEEN OPERATING OUR TOUCH SCREEN
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FOR THE PAST 85 HOURS.
HOW ARE YOU, JOHN?
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I'M, I'M GREAT, WOLF, THANKS. MY FINGERS
ARE NUMB BUT I THINK THAT'S NORMAL.
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FOR THE FOLKS AT HOME WHO
HAVE OBSESSIVELY WATCHING CABLE
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NEWS, WE'VE BEEN TEASING A BIG
ANNOUNCEMENT AND TODAY IT'S FINALLY HERE.
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CNN CAN NOW PROJECT JOE BIDEN WILL BE
THE NEXT PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.
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I KNOW I'M SUPPOSED TO BE A
NEUTRAL NEWS ANCHOR, BUT GOOD
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DAMMIT, THAT FEELS GOOD, WHOO!
WE GO NOW LIVE TO
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PRESIDENT-ELECT BIDEN WHO IS TAKING
THE STAGE IN WILMINGTON, DELAWARE.
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THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
THANK YOU!
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THANK YOU VERY MUCH, AMERICA.
WE DID IT!
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CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?
I HONESTLY KIND OF CAN'T.
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IT'S BEEN SO LONG SINCE
SOMETHING GOOD HAPPENED.
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SURE IT TOOK FOREVER. WE
KEPT EDGING CLOSER AND CLOSER.
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IT WAS LIKE HAVING SEX WITH
STING.
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BUT WHAT A RELEASE, MAN. I'VE NEVER FELT
SO ALIVE. WHICH IS IRONIC, BECAUSE I'M NOT
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THAT ALIVE.
AND LOOK!
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AS I'VE SAID MANY TIMES, I DON'T
CARE WHETHER YOU VOTED FOR ME OR NOT.
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I'M GOING TO BE A PRESIDENT
FOR ALL AMERICANS. THAT'S RIGHT.
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WHETHER YOU'RE FROM A LIBERAL
STATE LIKE CALIFORNIA OR A
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CONSERVATIVE STATE LIKE OKLAHOMA, OR
A CRACKED-OUT, HOT MESS LIKE FLORIDA -
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I WILL BE YOUR PRESIDENT.
AND I WILL HAVE AN INCREDIBLE VP
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AT MY SIDE.
SENATOR KAMALA HARRIS!
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THANK YOU, EVERYBODY. LIKE JOE, I AM
HUMBLED AND HONORED TO BE THE FIRST FEMALE.
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THE FIRST - YES.
THE FIRST BLACK.
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THE FIRST INDIAN-AMERICAN.
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AND THE FIRST BIRACIAL VICE
PRESIDENT.
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AND IF ANY OF THAT TERRIFIES
YOU, WELL, I DON'T GIVE A FUNT.
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ALSO, MY HUSBAND WILL BE THE FIRST SECOND
GENTLEMAN, AND HE'S JEWISH, SO BETWEEN US, WE CHECK
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MORE BOXES THAN A DISQUALIFIED
BALLOT.
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AND TO ALL THE LITTLE BLACK AND BROWN GIRLS
WATCHING RIGHT NOW, I JUST WANT TO SAY THIS.
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THE REASON YOUR MOM IS LAUGHING SO MUCH TONIGHT
- IS BECAUSE SHE'S DRUNK.
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AND THE REASON SHE'S CRYING IS
BECAUSE SHE'S DRUNK.
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YOUR MOM IS GOING TO SWITCH FROM
LAUGHING, TO CRYING, TO DANCING
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PRETTY MUCH ALL NIGHT.
AND IT'S NOT BECAUSE SHE'S
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CRAZY.
IT'S BECAUSE SHE'S DRUNK.
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TONIGHT WE'RE NOT GOING TO STAND
HERE AND GLOAT. WELL MAYBE -
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WE'RE NOT RUBBING OUR VICTORY IN
EVERYBODY'S FACE. BUT LIKE JUST A TINY BIT?
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WE'RE HUMBLY ACCEPTING
THIS VICTORY. EXACTLY.
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AND I'M JUST GOING TO PLAY
A QUICK SONG ON MY PHONE. **
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HOLD UP THERE FOR JUST A
MOMENT.
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BECAUSE PEOPLE JUST WANT TO SEE BIDEN AND
KAMALA HAPPY. THEY ALSO WANT TO SEE TRUMP SAD.
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SO LET'S CHECK IN ON THE PRESIDENT'S CONCESSION
SPEECH, WHICH I'M SURE WILL BE GRACIOUS
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AND FACTUAL.
GOOD EVENING.
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THANK YOU, THANK YOU FOR COMING
TO WATCH MY VICTORY SPEECH TONIGHT.
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AS ANYONE WHO DIED HALFWAY THROUGH TUESDAY
KNOWS, I WAS RE-ELECTED PRESIDENT OF THE
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UNITED STATES. BUT OF COURSE THEY'RE
TRYING TO STEAL THE ELECTION AWAY FROM ME.
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COME ON, LET'S HEAR IT. STOP
THE COUNT! STOP THE COUNT!
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WHAT'S THAT? I'M BEHIND?
OKAY, THEN COUNT ALL THE VOTES!
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EVERY LAST VOTE!
WE ALL KNOW THIS ELECTION WAS
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RIGGED. JUST LOOK AT THE
MAP. THERE WAS NO BLUE WAVE.
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IT WAS A RED WAVE ACROSS THE WHOLE
COUNTRY. SHOW THEM THE MAP, KAYLEIGH.
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SEE, SO MUCH RED, SO MUCH RED. SORRY,
THIS IS THE COVID MAP. OKAY, THE MAP'S NOT
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IMPORTANT, PUT THE MAP AWAY. NO ONE
WANTS TO SEE THE MAP. THANK YOU, KAYLEIGH.
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THE FACT IS, I WAS WINNING ON TUESDAY,
THEN THEY STARTED WHITTLING AWAY MY VOTES,
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WHITTLING THEM DOWN, UNTIL THERE
WAS ONLY A WITTLE BIT WEFT.
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BUT I VOWED TO ALL MY SUPPORTERS I
WILL FIGHT THIS THING TO THE BITTER END.
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I WILL NEVER GIVE UP AND
NEITHER SHOULD YOU. HEY.
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HEY. LET ME REMIND YOU,
ALL OF YOU, WHO I REALLY AM.
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** * HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY
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MACHO MACHO MAN
I'VE GOT TO BE A MACHO MAN *
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* MACHO MACHO MAN
I'VE GOT TO BE A MACHO MAN *
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THIS ISN'T GOOD-BYE, AMERICA. I'M
JUST GOING TO SAY, SEE YOU IN COURT!
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WELL.
WELL, UNLIKE PRESIDENT TRUMP, WE
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DO ACCEPT THE RESULTS OF THIS
ELECTION. WE'RE NOT MAD AT THEM.
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WE HAVE TO ACT GRACIOUSLY IN VICTORY,
THOUGH. WE NEED TO GO FORWARD TOGETHER.
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UNFORTUNATELY, THERE ARE SITUATIONS IN LIFE,
AND THIS IS ONE OF THEM, WHERE THERE MUST BE
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A WINNER AND - A LOOOSSERRR!
A LOOSSEERRR!
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AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S
SATURDAY NIGHT!
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**
Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY
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Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY
NIGHT LIVE"! WITH-
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AND YOUR HOST, DAVE CHAPPELLE! ** LADIES AND GENTLEMEN
- DAVE
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CHAPPELLE!
**
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THANK YOU.
THANK YOU ALL FOR BEING HERE.
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PRETTY INCREDIBLE DAY.
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00:11:00,560 --> 00:11:04,670
YOU KNOW, YOU KNOW WHAT I WAS THINKING
ABOUT ALL DAY TODAY? THIS IS REALLY WEIRD.
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FIRST OF ALL, I'M NERVOUS. I SHOULD
TELL YOU THAT. YOU CAN'T TELL.
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ALL INSIDE. I WAS THINKING ABOUT
A PERSON I NEVER ACTUALLY MET.
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BUT I HEARD ABOUT ALL MY LIFE. I WAS THINKING
ABOUT MY GREAT GRANDFATHER, WHO APPARENTLY, BY
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ALL ACCOUNTS, WAS A VERY GREAT
MAN. HE WAS BORN A SLAVE IN SOUTH
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CAROLINA. WAS A SLAVE
FOR TEN YEARS OF HIS LIFE.
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00:11:26,250 --> 00:11:31,390
AND WHEN THE NORTHERNERS CAME DOWN, THEY
STARTED EDUCATING SOME OF THE NEWLY FREED BLACK
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CHILDREN, AND HE LEARNED HOW TO
READ. BECOME A MAN OF EDUCATION AND
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DEDICATED HIS LIFE TO THREE
THINGS. EDUCATION, FREEDOM OF BLACK
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PEOPLE, JESUS CHRIST. AME CHURCH.
PRETTY AMAZING STORY OF MY GREAT
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GRANDFATHER. I THOUGHT ABOUT HIM ALL
DAY TODAY BECAUSE I WISH I COULD SEE
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00:11:57,125 --> 00:12:03,360
HIM NOW. I WISH HE COULD SEE ME.
BECAUSE I WONDER WHAT HE WOULD
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SAY. THIS WEEK I FLEW TO
NEW YORK ON A PRIVATE JET.
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00:12:08,300 --> 00:12:14,970
NETFLIX STARTED STREAMING A SHOW THAT
BEARS HIS NAME, "THE CHAPPELLE SHOW."
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00:12:15,005 --> 00:12:17,735
HBO MAX IS STREAMING IT. AND I
DIDN'T GET PAID FOR ANY OF IT.
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00:12:17,770 --> 00:12:23,725
YEAH, IF HE COULD SEE ME NOW
HE'D PROBABLY BE LIKE, THIS
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THING GOT BOUGHT AND SOLD MORE
THAN I HAVE.
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00:12:29,680 --> 00:12:39,925
THIS MORNING AFTER THE RESULTS
CAME IN, GOT A TEXT FROM A
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FRIEND OF MINE IN LONDON. AND SHE SAID,
THE WORLD FEELS LIKE A SAFER PLACE NOW THAT
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AMERICA HAS A NEW PRESIDENT. AND I
SAID, THAT'S GREAT, BUT AMERICA DOESN'T.
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00:12:53,475 --> 00:12:58,615
YOU ASK WHAT LIFE WAS LIKE
BEFORE COVID.
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A MASS SHOOTING EVERY WEEK. ANYONE
REMEMBER THAT? THANK GOD FOR COVID.
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00:13:04,520 --> 00:13:10,285
SOMEONE HAD TO LOCK THESE
MURDEROUS WHITES UP, KEEP THEM
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IN THE HOUSE.
ALL SUMMER LONG, YOU KNOW WHAT
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00:13:19,130 --> 00:13:22,335
I'VE BEEN DOING? SHOWS IN OHIO.
I LIVE IN A SMALL TOWN IN OHIO.
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A LOT OF THESE SMALL TOWNS IN
AMERICA WAS DYING. MY TOWN WAS DYING.
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WHAT I DID IS I DID SHOWS IN MY NEIGHBOR'S
CORNFIELD, AND THESE SHOWS WERE VERY SUCCESSFUL AND
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00:13:32,045 --> 00:13:33,985
MAY HAVE EVEN HELPED SAVE THE
TOWN. AIN'T THAT SOMETHING?
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00:13:34,020 --> 00:13:41,160
AND THE LOCAL FARMERS, MY
NEIGHBORS, STARTED TO COMPLAIN
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THAT MY SHOWS WERE TOO NOISY.
IN A CORNFIELD!
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TOO NOISY IN A CORNFIELD. I HAD TO HAVE
A WHOLE TOWN MEETING ABOUT HOW NOISY I WAS
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BEING IN THE CORNFIELD.
IT WAS SO EMBARRASSING.
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I RECERTAINTIED IT. I RESCENTED THESE
COUNTRY FARMERS COULD DECIDE A GUY LIKE
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ME'S FATE. PEOPLE DON'T DESERVE TO DO
THAT. THEY HAVEN'T SEEN ENOUGH, THEY
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00:14:06,410 --> 00:14:10,790
DON'T KNOW ANYTHING. THEY PROBABLY WATCH
ME RIGHT NOW, AT HOME LIKE, COME QUICK,
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00:14:10,825 --> 00:14:16,485
COME QUICK, THE GUY FROM THE
GROCERY STORE IS ON TELEVISION!
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NO, YOU BIG DUMMY. THE GUY FROM
TELEVISION IS AT THE GROCERY STORE.
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00:14:23,045 --> 00:14:29,465
KIND OF GUY THAT PROBABLY HAS AN
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ACCOUNT ON FARMERSONLY.COM, EVER
HEARD OF THAT WEBSITE? FARMERSONLY.COM.
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00:14:34,780 --> 00:14:39,680
A WEBSITE THAT BEGS THE QUESTION, WHAT
KIND OF BITCH ONLY SMASHES WITH FARMERS?
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THAT'S GROSS.
THEY HAD A WHOLE ZOOM MEETING
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ABOUT ME. I DIDN'T TALK ON THE MEETING,
I WAS JUST LISTENING, MANAGED TO
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HEAR THEM TALK ABOUT ME. THEY'RE SAYING,
MAN, I'M TRYING TO PUT MY CHILDREN TO BED.
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00:14:56,485 --> 00:15:04,947
AND I KEEP HEARING THIS GUY SCREAMING ALL
NIGHT. MY KIDS ARE TRYING TO SLEEP, AND
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00:15:04,982 --> 00:15:13,375
ALL THEY HEAR IS THE "N" WORD.
I SAID, WAS I SAYING IT, OR YOU?
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00:15:13,410 --> 00:15:17,490
HEAR THAT TWANG IN HIS VOICE. YOU KNOW YOU
HEAR THAT ACCENT, OH, I KNOW HE DOESN'T WEAR HIS
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MASK.
I DON'T KNOW WHY POOR WHITE
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00:15:22,660 --> 00:15:31,720
PEOPLE DON'T LIKE WEARING MASKS. WHAT IS
THE PROBLEM? WEAR MASKS AT THE KLAN RALLY,
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00:15:31,755 --> 00:15:40,745
WEAR IT AT THE WALMART TOO.
WEAR YOUR KLAN HOOD AT WALMART
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00:15:40,780 --> 00:15:46,475
SO WE CAN ALL FEEL SAFE.
AND LIKE OHIO, FOR INSTANCE,
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00:15:46,510 --> 00:15:49,350
RIGHT? PEOPLE MAKE MORE MONEY FROM
THEIR STIMULUS CHECKS THAN THEY
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DO IF THEY WORK. SO A LOT
OF PEOPLE DON'T WANT TO WORK.
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00:15:52,085 --> 00:15:59,055
YOU KNOW WHAT IT REMINDED ME OF.
RONALD REAGAN.
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00:15:59,090 --> 00:16:02,165
YOU A BLACK FELLOW, A YOUNG FELLOW,
YOU DON'T KNOW ABOUT RONALD REAGAN.
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00:16:02,200 --> 00:16:06,000
RONALD REAGAN USED TO SAY ABOUT BLACK
PEOPLE, WELFARE PEOPLE, DRUG ADDICTS?
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00:16:06,035 --> 00:16:15,005
WHO DOES THAT SOUND LIKE NOW?
STIMULUS CHECKS, HEROIN.
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00:16:15,040 --> 00:16:20,550
AND THE REST OF THE COUNTRY IS TRYING TO MOVE
FORWARD, AND THESE WHITE NIGGERS KEEP HOLDING
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00:16:20,585 --> 00:16:32,155
US BACK. DON'T EVEN WANT TO WEAR
YOUR MASK BECAUSE IT'S OPPRESSIVE,
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00:16:32,190 --> 00:16:36,230
WEARING A MASK? I BEEN WEARING ALL THESE
YEARS. I CAN'T EVEN TELL SOMETHING TRUE
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00:16:36,265 --> 00:16:40,295
UNLESS IT HAS A PUNCHLINE
BEHIND IT. YOU GUYS AREN'T READY?
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00:16:40,330 --> 00:16:44,175
YOU'RE NOT READY FOR THIS. YOU
DON'T KNOW HOW TO SURVIVE YOURSELVES.
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00:16:44,210 --> 00:16:49,080
IN FACT, WE'RE THE ONLY ONES THAT KNOW HOW TO
SURVIVE THIS. WHITES COME, HURRY, QUICK, COME
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00:16:49,115 --> 00:16:57,885
GET YOUR NIGGER LESSONS.
YOU NEED US.
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00:16:57,920 --> 00:17:02,720
YOU NEED OUR EYES TO SAVE YOU FROM
YOURSELVES. REMEMBER WHEN WHITE PEOPLE AND
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00:17:02,755 --> 00:17:07,342
BLACK PEOPLE COULDN'T BE TOGETHER?
JUST WHITE PEOPLE DANCING?
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00:17:07,377 --> 00:17:11,895
YOU SEE THAT OLD FOOTAGE?
HOW DID THEY LOOK?
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00:17:11,930 --> 00:17:23,275
YOU NEED SOME BLACK GUYS TO LOOK AT YOU LIKE
- HM! HM, BOY.
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00:17:23,310 --> 00:17:34,585
NOW TRUMP IS GONE.
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00:17:34,620 --> 00:17:38,590
A LOT OF PEOPLE DON'T LIKE HIM, BUT I
THOUGHT THE GUY WAS AT LEAST AN OPTIMIST.
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00:17:38,625 --> 00:17:46,202
I AM NOT AS OPTIMISTIC AS HE WAS.
I LOOK AT IT, THERE'S BAD PEOPLE
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00:17:46,237 --> 00:17:53,745
ON BOTH SIDES.
ALL RIGHT, JUST TRYING NOW.
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00:17:53,780 --> 00:17:59,075
CALL THE CORONAVIRUS THE KUNG
FLU.
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00:17:59,110 --> 00:18:06,590
I SAID, YOU RACIST
- HILARIOUS SON OF A BITCH. I'M SUPPOSED TO SAY THAT, NOT
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00:18:06,625 --> 00:18:11,325
YOU!
IT'S WRONG WHEN YOU SAY IT.
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00:18:11,360 --> 00:18:16,425
TRUMP WENT TO A PRESS CONFERENCE,
WILD GUY, YOU EVER SEE THIS?
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00:18:16,460 --> 00:18:21,500
ON A PRESS CONFERENCE, TRIED TO GUESS THE
CURE OF THE CORONAVIRUS IN FRONT OF THE
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00:18:21,535 --> 00:18:27,542
WHOLE WORLD. IT'S A WILD THING TO
DO. WHAT ABOUT VERY POWERFUL LIGHT?
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00:18:27,577 --> 00:18:33,550
DIRECTLY IN THE BODY? I SAY,
WHAT? THIS MAN JUST SUGGESTS THAT I
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00:18:33,585 --> 00:18:37,755
PUT SUNSHINE DIRECTLY IN MY
BODY? WELL, THAT'S INSANE.
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00:18:37,790 --> 00:18:42,560
HE WENT FURTHER. PUT ON SOME
BLEACH. SOME BLEACH DIRECTLY IN YOUR
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00:18:42,595 --> 00:18:47,495
BODY. OH, BOY. THEY'RE GOING TO HAVE TO
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00:18:47,530 --> 00:18:50,735
CHILDPROOF THE WHITE HOUSE NOW, HE'S
GOING TO TRY TO DRINK THE BLEACH!
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00:18:50,770 --> 00:18:53,900
MR. PRESIDENT, DON'T TOUCH THAT STOVE,
IT'S HOT. TURN THOSE SCISSORS AROUND IF
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00:18:53,935 --> 00:18:59,875
YOU'RE GOING TO RUN AROUND THE
HOUSE, MR. PRESIDENT.
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00:18:59,910 --> 00:19:04,380
SCARIEST PART ABOUT THAT. ONE OF THE LEADING
VIROLOGISTS IN THE WORLD WAS SITTING AS
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00:19:04,415 --> 00:19:10,567
CLOSE AS YOU ARE TO ME, AND SHE
JUST WATCHED HIM SAY IT. CRAZY.
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00:19:10,602 --> 00:19:16,685
HER FACE WAS LOOKING LIKE, HE
MIGHT BE RIGHT.
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00:19:16,720 --> 00:19:26,170
I SAW THAT, OH, THAT'S WHY - THAT'S
WHY - THAT'S WHY WOMEN MAKE HALF.
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00:19:26,205 --> 00:19:32,275
DID I TRIGGER YOU?
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00:19:32,310 --> 00:19:34,545
I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS. HALF,
70%, WHATEVER IT IS, IT'S TOO MUCH.
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00:19:34,580 --> 00:19:44,590
I'M SORRY, LORNE, I THOUGHT WE
WERE HAVING A COMEDY SHOW.
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00:19:44,625 --> 00:19:50,255
IT'S LIKE A WOKE MEETING IN
HERE.
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00:19:50,290 --> 00:19:54,000
AND YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS? YOU KNOW
WHAT TRUMP DID AFTER ALL THAT STUFF?
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00:19:54,035 --> 00:19:56,767
WENT OUT AND GOT THE CORONAVIRUS.
WASN'T THAT SOMETHING?
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00:19:56,802 --> 00:19:59,465
YOU KNOW, WHEN HE GOT
CORONAVIRUS, THEY SAID
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00:19:59,500 --> 00:20:03,100
EVERYTHING ABOUT IT ON THE NEWS. YOU KNOW
WHAT THEY DIDN'T SAY? THAT IT WAS HILARIOUS.
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00:20:03,135 --> 00:20:05,905
IT WAS HILARIOUS.
TRUMP GETTING CORONAVIRUS WAS
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00:20:05,940 --> 00:20:08,980
LIKE WHEN FREDDIE MERCURY GOT AIDS.
NOBODY WAS LIKE, HOW DID HE GET
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00:20:09,015 --> 00:20:18,285
IT?
177
00:20:18,320 --> 00:20:22,890
THIS GUY'S RUNNING AROUND LIKE THE OUTBREAK
MONKEY. LOOKED LIKE A 1970s PENIS, RAW
178
00:20:22,925 --> 00:20:37,735
DOGGING.
RAW DOGGING EARTH.
179
00:20:37,770 --> 00:20:40,510
ACTUALLY MADE FUN OF JOE BIDEN'S
MASK. THIS GUY WEARS THE BIGGEST MASK
180
00:20:40,545 --> 00:20:43,982
I'VE EVER SEEN! RIDICULOUS.
JOE BIDEN'S MASK WASN'T BIGGER
181
00:20:44,017 --> 00:20:47,385
THAN EVERYBODY ELSE'S MASK, MR.
PRESIDENT.
182
00:20:47,420 --> 00:20:52,320
LUCKY FOR THE REST OF THE COUNTRY, HE
HAD A GOOD HEALTH CARE PLAN, DIDN'T HE?
183
00:20:52,355 --> 00:20:58,195
GOOD COVERAGE.
HELICOPTER PICKED HIM UP.
184
00:20:58,230 --> 00:21:02,660
RIGHT IN HIS FRONT YARD. HELICOPTER
CAME. REMEMBER THAT VIDEO, HE'S
185
00:21:02,695 --> 00:21:04,965
WALKING TO THE HELICOPTER BY
IMS? USUALLY HE'S WALKING TO THE
186
00:21:05,000 --> 00:21:10,200
HELICOPTER WITH A BUNCH OF PEOPLE, NO ONE'S
AROUND HIM THIS TIME, YOU KNOW, HE HAD THE RONA.
187
00:21:10,235 --> 00:21:11,875
HAD HIS MASK ON THEN, DIDN'T HE?
HE'S WALKING.
188
00:21:11,910 --> 00:21:22,445
HEALTH GUYS TOOK HIM TO WALTER
REED HOSPITAL.
189
00:21:22,480 --> 00:21:27,160
I'M FROM D.C. AND I GOT TO TELL YOU,
WALTER REED IS NOT CLOSE TO THE WHITE HOUSE.
190
00:21:27,195 --> 00:21:36,025
BUT YOU CAN WALK.
TEAM OF DOCTORS WAITING FOR HIM,
191
00:21:36,060 --> 00:21:41,500
DOCTORS CAME AND RAN, GAVE HIM EXPERIMENTAL
MEDICINE AND STUFF. FLEW HIM BACK HOME IN THE
192
00:21:41,535 --> 00:21:47,545
HELICOPTER. AND THEN HE WALKED RIGHT
UP THE STEPS, TOOK HIS MASK OFF,
193
00:21:47,580 --> 00:21:49,840
SALUTED THE HELICOPTER. WALKED RIGHT
IN THE HOUSE, KILLED FOUR MORE PEOPLE.
194
00:21:49,875 --> 00:21:57,220
I SAID, $750 IN TAXES GOES A
LONG WAY, DOESN'T IT, SIR?
195
00:21:57,255 --> 00:22:00,725
COLD STUFF, MAN.
SOME COLD STUFF.
196
00:22:00,760 --> 00:22:06,030
THAT WOULD BE LIKE ME GOING TO THE HOMELESS
SHELTER WITH A BAG FULL OF HAMBURGERS AND SAYING,
197
00:22:06,065 --> 00:22:09,895
THESE IS MINE.
AND THEN JUST START EATING IN
198
00:22:09,930 --> 00:22:15,770
FRONT OF ALL THE HOMELESS. DON'T
LET HUNGER DICTATE YOUR LIFE!
199
00:22:15,805 --> 00:22:26,915
THAT WAS COLD, BABY.
200
00:22:26,950 --> 00:22:30,790
MEANWHILE, CHRIS CHRISTIE'S FAT ASS
IS IN THE ICU, FIGHTING FOR HIS LIFE.
201
00:22:30,825 --> 00:22:37,795
CHRIS CHRISTIE GOT ALL THE
SYMPTOMS.
202
00:22:37,830 --> 00:22:44,500
EVERYTHING CORONAVIRUS LIKES TO EAT,
THAT'S WHAT'S IN CHRIS CHRISTIE'S BODY.
203
00:22:44,535 --> 00:22:47,635
FAT, CHECK. ASTHMA,
CHECK. DIABETES, CHECK.
204
00:22:47,670 --> 00:23:00,110
CORONAVIRUS LIKE, MMM-MMM! HERMAN CAIN'S
BLACK ASS HAS BEEN DEAD FOR TWO WEEKS.
205
00:23:00,145 --> 00:23:06,985
WHERE'S HIS SECRET SERUM? THINK
ABOUT THAT. FOR FOUR YEARS.
206
00:23:07,020 --> 00:23:13,660
WHAT KIND OF MAN DOES THAT? WHAT KIND OF MAN
MAKES SURE HE'S OKAY WHILE HIS FRIENDS FIGHT FOR
207
00:23:13,695 --> 00:23:20,317
THEIR LIVES AND DIE? A WHITE MAN.
AND I DON'T MEAN TO PUT THIS ON
208
00:23:20,352 --> 00:23:29,121
THE WHITES. BUT BEEN BLACK A
LONGTIME, I'VE KNOWN SOME BADDIES.
209
00:23:29,156 --> 00:23:34,873
BUT THERE ARE GOOD WHITES.
WHO ACTUALLY WANT TO HELP.
210
00:23:34,908 --> 00:23:40,555
THEN JOIN ME. I'M NOT EVEN
JOKING. THIS IS MY PLAN.
211
00:23:40,590 --> 00:23:44,660
IT'S CALLED THE KINDNESS CONSPIRACY.
RANDOM ACTS OF KINDNESS FOR
212
00:23:44,695 --> 00:23:49,595
BLACK PEOPLE. DO SOMETHING
NICE FOR A BLACK PERSON.
213
00:23:49,630 --> 00:23:54,200
JUST BECAUSE THEY'RE BLACK. YOU GOT
TO MAKE SURE THEY DON'T DESERVE IT.
214
00:23:54,235 --> 00:23:58,735
IT'S VERY IMPORTANT PART OF IT,
THEY CAN'T DESERVE IT.
215
00:23:58,770 --> 00:24:04,750
THE SAME WAY ALL THEM YEARS THEY DID TERRIBLE
THINGS TO BLACK PEOPLE JUST BECAUSE THEY'RE
216
00:24:04,785 --> 00:24:09,615
BLACK. AND THEY DIDN'T DESERVE IT.
YOU DRIVING THROUGH THE HOOD ONE
217
00:24:09,650 --> 00:24:15,890
DAY, YOU SEE A BLACK DUDE STANDING ON THE
CORNER, SELLING CRACK, DESTROYING HIS COMMUNITY?
218
00:24:15,925 --> 00:24:19,830
BUY HIM AN ICE CREAM.
HE'LL BE SUSPICIOUS, BUT HE'LL
219
00:24:19,865 --> 00:24:35,775
TAKE IT.
220
00:24:35,810 --> 00:24:45,990
I WOULD IMPLORE EVERYBODY WHO'S CELEBRATING
TO REMEMBER, IT'S GOOD TO BE A HUMBLE WINNER.
221
00:24:46,025 --> 00:24:49,025
REMEMBER WHEN I WAS HERE FOUR YEARS
AGO? REMEMBER HOW BAD THAT FELT?
222
00:24:49,060 --> 00:24:55,425
REMEMBER THAT HALF THE COUNTRY RIGHT NOW
STILL FEELS THAT WAY. PLEASE REMEMBER THAT.
223
00:24:55,460 --> 00:25:00,800
REMEMBER THAT FOR THE FIRST TIME IN THE HISTORY
OF AMERICA, THE LIFE EXPECTANCY OF WHITE PEOPLE
224
00:25:00,835 --> 00:25:06,035
IS DROPPING. BECAUSE OF
HEROIN, BECAUSE OF SUICIDE.
225
00:25:06,070 --> 00:25:12,950
ALL THESE WHITE PEOPLE OUT THERE THAT FEEL
THAT ANGUISH, THAT PAIN, THAT MAN, THEY THINK
226
00:25:12,985 --> 00:25:16,987
NOBODY CARES. MAYBE THEY DON'T.
LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.
227
00:25:17,022 --> 00:25:20,955
I KNOW HOW THAT FEELS. I PROMISE
YOU, I KNOW HOW THAT FEELS.
228
00:25:20,990 --> 00:25:25,390
YOU'RE A POLICE OFFICER. EVERY TIME YOU PUT
YOUR UNIFORM ON, YOU FEEL LIKE YOU'VE GOT A
229
00:25:25,425 --> 00:25:31,400
TARGET ON YOUR BACK. YOU'RE APPALLED
BY THE INGRATITUDE THAT PEOPLE HAVE
230
00:25:31,435 --> 00:25:35,140
WHEN YOU WOULD RISK YOUR
LIFE TO SAVE THEM. OH, MAN.
231
00:25:35,175 --> 00:25:40,005
BELIEVE ME. BELIEVE ME,
I KNOW HOW THAT FEELS.
232
00:25:40,040 --> 00:25:47,745
EVERYONE KNOWS HOW THAT FEELS. BUT
HERE'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ME AND YOU.
233
00:25:47,780 --> 00:25:55,390
YOU GUYS HATE EACH OTHER FOR IT. AND I
DON'T HATE ANYBODY. I JUST HATE THAT FEELING.
234
00:25:55,425 --> 00:26:00,162
THAT'S WHAT I FIGHT THROUGH. THAT'S
WHAT I SUGGEST YOU FIGHT THROUGH.
235
00:26:00,197 --> 00:26:04,865
YOU GOT TO FIND A WAY TO LIVE YOUR
LIFE. GOT TO FIND A WAY TO FORGIVE
236
00:26:04,900 --> 00:26:11,810
EACH OTHER. GOT TO FIND A WAY TO FIND
JOY IN YOUR EXISTENCE IN SPITE OF THAT
237
00:26:11,845 --> 00:26:21,045
FEELING. AND IF YOU CAN'T DO THAT
- COME GET THESE.
238
00:26:21,080 --> 00:26:25,050
THANK YOU VERY MUCH AND GOOD
NIGHT!
239
00:26:39,230 --> 00:26:43,270
HEY, EVERYBODY. I HOPE YOU'RE HAVING
A GOOD TIME AT HOME WATCHING THE SHOW.
240
00:26:43,305 --> 00:26:47,275
IT'S BEEN A LONG, HARD TIME. I KNOW
A LOT OF PEOPLE HAVE LOST THEIR JOBS.
241
00:26:47,310 --> 00:26:52,980
AND THERE'S THIS CLIMATE, UNFORTUNATELY
A LOT OF BLACK PEOPLE LOSE THEIR JOBS.
242
00:26:53,015 --> 00:26:56,145
THIS NEXT PIECE IS ABOUT JUST THAT.
IT'S ABOUT TWO BLACK PEOPLE WHO
243
00:26:56,180 --> 00:27:02,460
HAVE LOST THEIR JOBS BECAUSE OF THIS NEW
SOCIAL CLIMATE WE'RE ALL TRYING TO FIGURE OUT.
244
00:27:02,495 --> 00:27:07,730
SADLY, THESE TWO BLACK PEOPLE MAY
NEVER GET THOSE JOBS BACK. ENJOY.
245
00:27:07,765 --> 00:27:18,172
I'M SORRY, IT'S JUST NOT WORKING
OUT, WE HAVE TO LET YOU GO.
246
00:27:18,207 --> 00:27:26,263
BUT I'M AUNT JEMIMA!
WHO DOESN'T LOVE MY PANCAKES?
247
00:27:26,298 --> 00:27:34,320
EVERYONE LOVES YOUR PANCAKES,
AUNT JEMIMA. IT'S YOU.
248
00:27:34,355 --> 00:27:36,525
YOU'RE THE PROBLEM. ME? WHAT DID I DO?
249
00:27:36,560 --> 00:27:39,490
IT'S NOT WHAT YOU DID, IT'S HOW
YOU MADE US FEEL ABOUT WHAT WE DID.
250
00:27:39,525 --> 00:27:43,395
BUT YOU CAN'T FIRE ME.
I'M A SLAVE.
251
00:27:43,430 --> 00:27:48,000
THAT'S THE ONLY GOOD THING ABOUT YOUR
JOB, THE JOB SECURITY. WE UNDERSTAND THAT.
252
00:27:48,035 --> 00:27:52,175
NO, YOU DON'T. YOU DON'T
UNDERSTAND. ALL I EVER DID WAS MAKE
253
00:27:52,210 --> 00:28:01,785
PANCAKES. AND THAT'S WHY AUNT JEMIMA
PANCAKES ARE THE FLUFFIEST, THE
254
00:28:01,820 --> 00:28:06,250
BUTTERIEST, MOUTH-WATERING PANCAKES ON
THE SHELF. THE SECRET IS, I USE MY OWN
255
00:28:06,285 --> 00:28:14,025
BREAST MILK.
AUNT JEMIMA, THIS IS HARD FOR
256
00:28:14,060 --> 00:28:18,930
US TOO, WE LOVE YOU. AND THANK YOU
FOR BREAST FEEDING OUR CHILDREN.
257
00:28:18,965 --> 00:28:23,905
IT'S BECAUSE I'M A WOMAN,
ISN'T IT? WHAT ABOUT UNCLE BEN?
258
00:28:23,940 --> 00:28:28,045
OH, DAMMIT, WOMAN.
DON'T DRAG ME INTO THIS MESS.
259
00:28:28,080 --> 00:28:32,050
IF I'M GOING DOWN, YOU COMING
WITH ME. ACTUALLY, UNCLE BEN, SHE'S
260
00:28:32,085 --> 00:28:37,337
RIGHT. WE HAVE TO LET YOU
GO TOO. FOR THE SAME REASON.
261
00:28:37,372 --> 00:28:42,555
BUT YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME.
I'M UNCLE BEN.
262
00:28:42,590 --> 00:28:50,330
I GOT SO MANY NIECES AND NEPHEWS TO
TAKE CARE OF. YOU'LL BE FINE, JUST DO
263
00:28:50,365 --> 00:28:54,070
SOMETHING ELSE. BUT ALL I
KNOW IS RICE. WHITE RICE.
264
00:28:54,105 --> 00:28:59,035
BROWN RICE. WILD RICE. YELLOW RICE.
265
00:28:59,070 --> 00:29:04,960
FOUR CHEESE. BASMATI.
LOOK, IT'S NOT PERSONAL.
266
00:29:04,995 --> 00:29:10,815
IT'S JUST WE HAVE TO
CLEAN HOUSE. COME ON, NOW.
267
00:29:10,850 --> 00:29:13,835
WE KNOW WHITE PEOPLE DON'T CLEAN
THEY OWN HOUSE.
268
00:29:13,870 --> 00:29:16,785
YEAH, YOU'RE TALKING TO
SLAVES. THIS IS RIDICULOUS.
269
00:29:16,820 --> 00:29:27,150
WE CAN'T WORK, HOW COME THE
ALLSTATE GUY GETS TO WORK?
270
00:29:27,185 --> 00:29:37,445
NOW WAIT A COTTON PICKING
MINUTE, UNCLE BEN.
271
00:29:37,480 --> 00:29:41,750
OH, I KNEW YOU'D SELL ME OUT. IT AIN'T
PERSONAL, SON. BUT WE GETTING FIRED, YOU SHOULD
272
00:29:41,785 --> 00:29:47,885
BE GETTING FIRED TOO.
YEAH. FIRE ALLSTATE GUY TOO.
273
00:29:47,920 --> 00:29:52,560
STOP CALLING ME ALLSTATE GUY.
I HAVE A NAME.
274
00:29:52,595 --> 00:29:57,165
IT'S "GUY FROM WAITING TO
EXHALE."
275
00:29:57,200 --> 00:30:05,570
WELL, WHATEVER YOUR NAME IS, YOU'RE GETTING
FIRED TOO. I'M NOT EVEN A FOOD PRODUCT.
276
00:30:05,605 --> 00:30:11,262
I SELL SECURITY. MY DEEP BLACK
VOICE MAKES WHITE PEOPLE FEEL SAFE.
277
00:30:11,297 --> 00:30:16,885
THEY'RE LIKE IN GOOD HANDS.
THAT MAY BE SO, BUT YOU'RE
278
00:30:16,920 --> 00:30:22,575
STILL BLACK, AND IT'S BETTER TO BE
SAFE THAN SORRY. BUT I'M A REAL PERSON.
279
00:30:22,610 --> 00:30:28,230
THESE ARE MERE CHARACTERS. IF ANYTHING,
WHY DON'T YOU FIRE COUNT CHOCULA.
280
00:30:28,265 --> 00:30:32,852
HOW COME HE'S STILL WORKING,
HUH? BUT I'M NOT EVEN BLACK, I'M
281
00:30:32,887 --> 00:30:37,405
MADE OF CHOCOLATE. LIKELY
STORY. LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.
282
00:30:37,440 --> 00:30:46,650
THESE STREETS IS GOING TO EAT YOU ALIVE,
YOU CHOCOLATY NIGGER. DON'T CALL ME THAT!
283
00:30:46,685 --> 00:30:51,355
IF HE'S CHOCOLATE, I'M CHOCOLATE
TOO. YEAH, I'M CHOCOLATE TOO.
284
00:30:51,390 --> 00:30:55,390
I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU WANT TO CALL YOURSELF,
YOU'RE ALL FIRED. NO, I'M ACTUALLY CHOCOLATE,
285
00:30:55,425 --> 00:31:01,325
I'M NOT BLACK AT ALL.
RIDICULOUS. ANOTHER LIKELY STORY.
286
00:31:01,360 --> 00:31:05,370
LOOK AT CHOCOLATY LIPS BEHIND
THEM FANGS. BIG OLD FAT LIPS.
287
00:31:05,405 --> 00:31:16,732
SERIOUSLY. AMERICA, LOOK
AT PETE DAVIDSON'S LIPS.
288
00:31:16,767 --> 00:31:28,025
ALL RIGHT, THAT'S ENOUGH,
289
00:31:28,060 --> 00:31:31,630
YOU'RE ALL FIRED EXCEPT FOR
ALLSTATE GUY. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
290
00:31:31,665 --> 00:31:33,765
ALL RIGHT, PAL.
WE'LL LEAVE.
291
00:31:33,800 --> 00:31:37,535
BUT REMEMBER, YOU MADE
A BIG MISTAKE. UH-HUH.
292
00:31:37,570 --> 00:31:55,245
SEND IN THE LAND O'LAKES
LADY, PLEASE.
293
00:31:55,280 --> 00:32:02,320
35 YEARS AGO, NINTENDO RELEASED THE FIRST
SUPER MARIO BROTHERS AND MADE VIDEO GAME
294
00:32:02,355 --> 00:32:05,877
HISTORY. TO CELEBRATE THIS LANDMARK
ANNIVERSARY, WE ASKED FANS YOUNG
295
00:32:05,912 --> 00:32:09,365
AND OLD ABOUT THEIR FIRST MARIO
MEMORIES. I WAS ONLY LIKE 4 OR 5 WHEN I
296
00:32:09,400 --> 00:32:12,630
PLAYED MY FIRST MARIO GAME, BUT I WAS IMMEDIATELY
HOOKED. MARIO MADE ME FALL IN LOVE WITH
297
00:32:12,665 --> 00:32:17,652
VIDEO GAMES. I REMEMBER GETTING THE
FIRST SALES REPORT WHEN THE FIRST
298
00:32:17,687 --> 00:32:22,605
MARIO CAME OUT AND MY JAW DROPPED.
WE BROKE EVERY INDUSTRY RECORD
299
00:32:22,640 --> 00:32:31,790
ON THE FIRST DAY OF SALES. JAKE AND I RODE
OUR BIKES TO TARGET TO BUY MARIO 1 AND WE
300
00:32:31,825 --> 00:32:34,225
RODE SO FAST. WE'RE LIKE
PASSING CARS LIKE, MOVE, PEOPLE!
301
00:32:34,260 --> 00:32:42,095
WE'VE GOT TO PLAY MARIO! NEVER PEDALED
FASTER. YEAH, WELL MAYBE TOO FAST
302
00:32:42,130 --> 00:32:47,070
BECAUSE JAKE CAUGHT LIKE MAJOR AIR OFF THIS
LITTLE JUMP-OFF. WHEN HE HIT THE GROUND, HE
303
00:32:47,105 --> 00:32:52,010
MISSED THE SEAT AND LANDED WITH ALL HIS
WEIGHT ONTO THE CROSSBAR, AND HE DEMOLISHED HIS
304
00:32:52,045 --> 00:32:58,345
NUTS. DIDN'T DEMOLISH THEM.
YEAH, YOU DID THEY POPPED.
305
00:32:58,380 --> 00:33:03,150
POPPED? THAT'S NOT EVEN
- YOU'RE THE MOST RANDOM GUY I EVER MET.
306
00:33:03,185 --> 00:33:06,615
MY FIRST MARIO MEMORY
IS THAT MUSIC. REMEMBER?
307
00:33:06,650 --> 00:33:14,165
* DO DO DO DO * FOR THE
RECORD, WE HEARD THEM POP.
308
00:33:14,200 --> 00:33:17,720
YOUR EYES ROLLED BACK, YOU
SCREAMED THEY POPPED, THEY POPPED.
309
00:33:17,755 --> 00:33:21,240
OKAY, OKAY, THEY POPPED! POINT
IS, MARIO IS AN AMAZING GAME.
310
00:33:21,275 --> 00:33:30,105
I'M SORRY, FORGY ME.
311
00:33:30,140 --> 00:33:32,595
FORGIVE ME. I'M AT A LOSS FOR WORDS
AFTER THAT HORRIFYING STORY ABOUT THE
312
00:33:32,630 --> 00:33:35,050
MAN'S NUTS. MAYBE WE SHOULD LET THE
DUST SETTLE ON THAT BEFORE I START
313
00:33:35,085 --> 00:33:42,020
TALKING ABOUT MARIO MANIA.
I'M SORRY, THEY HEARD THEM POP?
314
00:33:42,055 --> 00:33:47,565
DO YOU REMEMBER THE DAY
YOU BEAT MARIO 1? OH, YEAH.
315
00:33:47,600 --> 00:33:51,950
WERE WE AT MY HOUSE? WE WERE IN THE
HOSPITAL. JAKE WAS RECOVERING FROM
316
00:33:51,985 --> 00:33:56,300
SURGERY TO
- I DON'T KNOW THE MEDICAL TERM, BUT REBUILD HIS NUTS.
317
00:33:56,335 --> 00:33:59,605
BUT IT WAS UNSUCCESSFUL.
WASN'T UNSUCCESSFUL.
318
00:33:59,640 --> 00:34:06,845
YEAH, IT WAS. THEY TOLD JAKE IT WAS
LIKE TRYING TO PUT A WATERMELON BACK
319
00:34:06,880 --> 00:34:13,605
TOGETHER AFTER IT WAS DROPPED OFF A 10-STORY
BUILDING. YEAH, BACK TO MARIO, THOUGH!
320
00:34:13,640 --> 00:34:22,790
GREATEST OF ALL TIME! YEAH, IT WAS THE
ONLY THING THAT MADE HIM FORGET THAT THEY
321
00:34:22,825 --> 00:34:31,940
HAD TO REMOVE HIS NUTS. STOP TALKING ABOUT
THAT, BRO. PLEASE CHANGE THE ORDER SO I
322
00:34:31,975 --> 00:34:37,145
DON'T DIRECTLY FOLLOW THOSE TWO.
323
00:34:37,180 --> 00:34:40,315
I'M BEGGING YOU.
I CAN'T WAX NOSTALGIC ABOUT
324
00:34:40,350 --> 00:34:46,355
MARIO ONE SECOND AFTER HEARING ABOUT
HOW THAT BOY WAS NEUTERED. NO, THANK YOU.
325
00:34:46,390 --> 00:34:53,090
MORE MARIO ADVENTURES FOLLOW, ONE SHA SHATTERED
RECORDS AND SET A NEW STANDARD FOR GAMES,
326
00:34:53,125 --> 00:34:56,900
SUPER MARIO BROTHERS 3. THE DAY MARIO
3 CAME OUT IS BURNED INTO MY MEMORY.
327
00:34:56,935 --> 00:35:01,687
MARIO COULD FLY! I WAS
- BACK IN THE HOSPITAL.
328
00:35:01,722 --> 00:35:06,405
WAS I? YEAH, DUDE. YOU
HAD EMERGENCY SURGERY.
329
00:35:06,440 --> 00:35:09,010
THERE WAS SOME SORT OF INFECTION, I GUESS,
AND THEY HAD TO REMOVE EVERYTHING FROM JAKE'S
330
00:35:09,045 --> 00:35:16,750
GROIN. WHAT WAS DESCRIBED, TO ME
AT LEAST, AS A SANDING-DOWN OF HIS
331
00:35:16,785 --> 00:35:20,785
PELVIC AREA. I DON'T REMEMBER
THEM SAYING SANDING-DOWN.
332
00:35:20,820 --> 00:35:23,590
NO, THEY DID. I WALKED INTO JAKE'S
RECOVERY ROOM WITH MARIO 3, AND HE
333
00:35:23,625 --> 00:35:26,495
SAID
- IT'S ON! NO, YOU SAID "NOTHING'S DOWN
334
00:35:26,530 --> 00:35:31,500
THERE ANYMORE. I'M SMOOTH LIKE A BARBIE,
I'M SMOOTH LIKE A BARBIE, I'M SMOOTH
335
00:35:31,535 --> 00:35:38,022
LIKE A BARBIE." WHAT? HEY,
WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH
336
00:35:38,057 --> 00:35:44,475
THIS STUFF? YOU SAID IT.
WE PLAYED MARIO 3 NONSTOP.
337
00:35:44,510 --> 00:35:49,280
WE WERE MARIO MANIACS! WE PLAY THE
EVERY DAY. EXCEPT THE DAYS JAKE HAD
338
00:35:49,315 --> 00:35:52,215
PHYSICAL THERAPY TO RELEARN
HOW TO PEE. WASN'T A BIG DEAL.
339
00:35:52,250 --> 00:36:00,725
IT KIND OF WAS. JAKE NOW PEES THROUGH
A SMALL HOLE JUST BELOW HIS BELLY
340
00:36:00,760 --> 00:36:08,150
BUTTON, SO HE HAS TO LIE HORIZONTALLY
FACE-DOWN. AND BASICALLY PLANK THE TOILET.
341
00:36:08,185 --> 00:36:15,102
HOW DO YOU HAVE A PICTURE OF THAT, THROUGH
CURIOSITY? THROUGH IT ALL, MARIO WAS
342
00:36:15,137 --> 00:36:22,020
THERE, AND HE'S STILL HERE, MAKING US
SMILE AGAIN AND AGAIN. WHERE WILL THIS AIR?
343
00:36:22,055 --> 00:36:29,220
IT WAS A SIMPLE REQUEST.
I DO NOT WISH TO FOLLOW THOSE
344
00:36:29,255 --> 00:36:31,595
TWO. GO TO HELL! HAPPY 35th ANNIVERSARY,
345
00:36:31,630 --> 00:36:34,130
MARIO. WITH YOU, THE FUN
NEVER POPS. I MEAN STOPS.
346
00:36:34,165 --> 00:36:41,105
SORRY.
**
347
00:36:41,140 --> 00:36:47,105
SARAH, PLEASE? SARAH, PLEASE OPEN
THE DOOR. I COULDN'T HAVE BEEN MORE
348
00:36:47,140 --> 00:36:52,145
CLEAR WITH YOU ON THE PHONE. I'M DONE
WITH YOU, KEITH. I KNOW, I KNOW, AND YOU
349
00:36:52,180 --> 00:36:57,150
SHOULD BE DONE WITH THAT KEITH. THAT
KEITH DIDN'T DESERVE YOU. BUT THIS KEITH?
350
00:36:57,185 --> 00:37:00,620
THE KEITH I AM NOW? HE
DOES. I'VE CHANGED, BABY.
351
00:37:00,655 --> 00:37:04,855
TAKE ME BACK. YOU'VE
CHANGED? HOW, KEITH?
352
00:37:04,890 --> 00:37:08,630
HOW HAVE YOU CHANGED? I QUIT
DRINKING. I HAVEN'T TOUCHED A DROP IN A
353
00:37:08,665 --> 00:37:11,595
MONTH. REALLY? YEAH.
354
00:37:11,630 --> 00:37:15,400
IT WAS HARD. BUT I DID IT
FOR YOU. WELL, I'M GLAD.
355
00:37:15,435 --> 00:37:21,975
AND NO MORE COCAINE. WHAT? I KNOW.
356
00:37:22,010 --> 00:37:24,510
I NEVER THOUGHT I COULD KEEP THAT INTO
HIS EITHER BUT YOU GAVE ME THE STRENGTH.
357
00:37:24,545 --> 00:37:26,475
SORRY, YOU DID COKE? JUST
TO HELP GET ME OFF THE BOOZE.
358
00:37:26,510 --> 00:37:28,520
FOR A COUPLE OF YEARS BEFORE THAT,
TOO. BUT THOSE THINGS ARE BEHIND ME.
359
00:37:28,555 --> 00:37:33,090
NO ALCOHOL, NO COCAINE, NO
PILLS, I'M A NEW MAN. GOD, KEITH.
360
00:37:33,125 --> 00:37:35,855
PILLS TOO? YEAH. IT'S
THAT SAME OLD STORY, YOU
361
00:37:35,890 --> 00:37:38,130
KNOW? YOU GO TO THE DOCTOR BECAUSE
YOU'RE IN PAIN, AND THEY GIVE
362
00:37:38,165 --> 00:37:40,595
YOU THESE PILLS TO HELP. BUT
- YOU GOT HOOKED.
363
00:37:40,630 --> 00:37:43,885
EXACTLY. THE NEXT THING I KNOW,
I'M TAKING FISTFULS OF VALTREX JUST
364
00:37:43,920 --> 00:37:47,140
TO GET OUT OF THE BED IN THE
MORNING. NO, VALTREX IS FOR HERPES,
365
00:37:47,175 --> 00:37:51,657
KEITH. DO YOU HAVE HERPES?
THE OLD KEITH DID, BUT THIS
366
00:37:51,692 --> 00:37:56,105
KEITH, NO, HE'S GOOD. NO,
THAT'S NOT HOW HERPES WORKS.
367
00:37:56,140 --> 00:38:00,130
GOD, NOW I PROBABLY HAVE IT TOO. OH, BABY,
YOU'D KNOW IF YOU HAD THE KIND I HAVE.
368
00:38:00,165 --> 00:38:04,120
PLUS I ALWAYS USED PROTECTION WHEN WE
WERE TOGETHER. YOU NEVER WORE A CONDOM.
369
00:38:04,155 --> 00:38:08,855
BUT I ALWAYS HAD A GUN. A GUN?
I'M GLAD YOU'RE GETTING YOUR
370
00:38:08,890 --> 00:38:12,390
LIFE TOGETHER BUT WE'RE THROUGH. HOW CAN
YOU SAY THAT, BABY? YOU JUST TOLD ME YOU HAVE
371
00:38:12,425 --> 00:38:16,325
HERPES. HAD. PAST TENSE, BABY.
372
00:38:16,360 --> 00:38:20,900
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. I DON'T EVEN KNOW
WHY YOU WANT TO GET BACK TOGETHER.
373
00:38:20,935 --> 00:38:23,605
HALF THE TIME WE WERE DATING,
YOU WERE ROMANTICALLY CHECKED OUT.
374
00:38:23,640 --> 00:38:30,140
I KNOW. BUT THAT'S BECAUSE
- AND THIS IS HARD FOR ME TO SAY, BUT I HAD
375
00:38:30,175 --> 00:38:32,650
GOTTEN A LITTLE TOO INTO
PORN. WOW. THAT EXPLAINS A LOT.
376
00:38:32,685 --> 00:38:35,115
YEAH. IT'S ADDICTIVE. IT
SEEMS HARMLESS AT FIRST.
377
00:38:35,150 --> 00:38:38,650
BUT THE NEXT THING YOU KNOW, YOU'RE SHOOTING
TWO, THREE SCENES A DAY AND THERE'S NOTHING
378
00:38:38,685 --> 00:38:41,120
LEFT IN THE TANK WHEN YOU GET
HOME. I'M SORRY, YOU WERE DOING
379
00:38:41,155 --> 00:38:44,130
PORN? LIKE, HAVING SEX
WITH WOMEN ON THE INTERNET?
380
00:38:44,165 --> 00:38:46,855
WHAT, NO? NEVER. THANK GOD.
381
00:38:46,890 --> 00:38:50,025
NEVER WOMEN.
BABY, ALL THAT'S BEHIND ME NOW.
382
00:38:50,060 --> 00:38:52,630
I'M NOT THAT STUPID BOY I WAS BACK
THEN. I'M GROWN, I'M A MAN, I'M
383
00:38:52,665 --> 00:38:57,335
18 NOW. YOU'RE 18 NOW?
YEAH, I'VE CHANGED.
384
00:38:57,370 --> 00:39:00,875
HOW OLD WERE YOU WHEN WE STARTED
DATING? OLD ENOUGH TO KNOW I MESSED
385
00:39:00,910 --> 00:39:04,345
UP. OH MY GOD, I'M GOING TO JAIL.
BABY, DON'T WORRY ABOUT THAT.
386
00:39:04,380 --> 00:39:06,710
EVEN IF THE COPS FOUND OUT, I
WOULDN'T SAY ANYTHING. GOOD, BECAUSE -
387
00:39:06,745 --> 00:39:11,585
I'D LET THE HARDWARE DO THE
TALKING. PUT THAT THING AWAY!
388
00:39:11,620 --> 00:39:14,890
YOU SOUND LIKE ALL THE PEOPLE AT
THE PLAYGROUND, PUT THAT THING AWAY!
389
00:39:14,925 --> 00:39:17,095
YOU TOOK A GUN OUT ON
THE PLAYGROUND? GUN?
390
00:39:17,130 --> 00:39:19,765
NO, NEVER A GUN. WHAT THE
HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?
391
00:39:19,800 --> 00:39:22,365
PEOPLE AT THE PLAYGROUND
SAID THAT TOO. KEITH!
392
00:39:22,400 --> 00:39:26,130
ALL RIGHT, I'LL GO. BUT FIRST, THERE'S
SOMETHING I SHOULD HAVE DONE A LONG TIME
393
00:39:26,165 --> 00:39:31,375
AGO. OH, MY GOD. HAVE
TO PRESS THAT EVERY HOUR
394
00:39:31,410 --> 00:39:35,140
SO THEY KNOW I'M STILL WEARING
IT. WHY DO YOU HAVE THAT, KEITH?
395
00:39:35,175 --> 00:39:37,345
BECAUSE OF WHAT I TOOK OUT
AT THE PLAYGROUND. RIGHT.
396
00:39:37,380 --> 00:39:43,620
IT WAS MY PENIS. YEAH, I GOT
THAT. LOOK, I KNOW I'M NOT PERFECT,
397
00:39:43,655 --> 00:39:48,890
BUT YOU ARE. AND I CAN'T LIVE
MY LIFE WITHOUT YOU, BABY.
398
00:39:48,925 --> 00:39:57,365
PLEASE, TAKE ME BACK. OH, CRAP! HEY.
399
00:39:57,400 --> 00:39:59,900
JUST HANG ON TO THIS FOR ME
FOR LIKE A DAY OR TWO. THANKS.
400
00:39:59,935 --> 00:40:06,140
YOU NEVER SAW ME, OKAY?
I WASN'T HERE. LOVE YOU.
401
00:40:06,175 --> 00:40:23,185
HE LOVES ME.
**
402
00:40:23,220 --> 00:40:30,400
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, FOO
FIGHTERS.
403
00:40:31,870 --> 00:40:40,805
** ** * IF YOU WANT TO I'LL MAKE
404
00:40:40,840 --> 00:40:48,820
YOU FEEL SOMETHING REAL JUST TO
BOTHER YOU NOW I GOT YOU UNDER MY *
405
00:40:48,855 --> 00:40:53,515
* THUMB LIKE DRUG I WILL
SMOOTHER YOU I'LL BE THE ONE BE
406
00:40:53,550 --> 00:41:02,430
THE MOON BE THE SUN * * BE THE RAIN
IN YOUR SONG PUT THAT BACK ALONG
407
00:41:02,465 --> 00:41:13,642
IF YOU WANT TO I'LL BE THE ONE BE
THE TONGUE * * GONNA SWALLOW YOU
408
00:41:13,677 --> 00:41:24,820
SHAME SHAME SHAME SHAME SHAME
SHAME SHAME SHAME ANOTHER CENTER *
409
00:41:24,855 --> 00:41:30,055
* UNDER THE STAND ANOTHER
SEASON OF LONELINESS
410
00:41:30,090 --> 00:41:39,330
I FOUND THE REASON * * AND
BURIED IT I NEED A MOUNTAIN
411
00:41:39,365 --> 00:41:56,515
OF HAPPINESS OOH OOH OOH OOH * **
412
00:41:56,550 --> 00:42:09,065
* SHAME SHAME SHAME SHAME SHAME
SHAME JUST MOVE ALONG NOTHING
413
00:42:09,100 --> 00:42:16,475
WRONG TILL WE MEET AGAIN * * SHAME SHAME
SHAME SHAME I'LL BE THE WAR REACHING
414
00:42:16,510 --> 00:42:23,850
ALL COME AND LET ME IN I'LL BE THE
ONE BE * * THE MOON BE THE SUN BE THE
415
00:42:23,885 --> 00:42:29,102
WAVE IN YOUR SONG * * PUT THAT
BACK ALONG IF YOU WANT TO I'LL *
416
00:42:29,137 --> 00:42:34,320
* BE THE ONE BE THE TONGUE
GONNA SWALLOW YOU ANOTHER CENTER
417
00:42:34,355 --> 00:42:39,795
UNDER THE STAND * *
ANOTHER SEASON OF LONELINESS
418
00:42:39,830 --> 00:42:57,580
I FOUND THE REASON AND BURIED
IT * * I NEED A MOUNTAIN
419
00:42:57,615 --> 00:43:10,712
OF HAPPINESS OOH OOH OOH
OOH SHAME SHAME SHAME SHAME *
420
00:43:10,747 --> 00:43:23,810
* SHAME SHAME SHAME SHAME
ANOTHER CENTER UNDER THE STAND
421
00:43:23,845 --> 00:43:30,597
ANOTHER SEASON * * OF
LONELINESS I FOUND A REASON
422
00:43:30,632 --> 00:43:37,315
AND BURIED IT I NEED A
MOUNTAIN * * OF HAPPINESS
423
00:43:37,350 --> 00:44:12,390
OOH OOH OOH OOH * SHAME SHAME SHAME
SHAME SHAME SHAME SHAME SHAME *
424
00:44:12,425 --> 00:44:34,575
**
IT'S "WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH
425
00:44:34,610 --> 00:44:41,215
COLIN JOST AND MICHAEL CHE.
HI, GOOD EVENING, EVERYONE.
426
00:44:41,250 --> 00:44:45,215
WELCOME TO "WEEKEND UPDATE."
I'M MICHAEL CHE. I'M COLIN JOST.
427
00:44:45,250 --> 00:44:50,530
WELL, I DON'T KNOW IF ANYONE NOTICED BUT JOE
BIDEN HAS BEEN ELECTED THE 46th PRESIDENT OF
428
00:44:50,565 --> 00:44:57,365
THE UNITED STATES.
AND THIS IS WHAT HAPPENED WHEN
429
00:44:57,400 --> 00:45:05,825
PEOPLE IN NEW YORK HEARD THAT
DONALD TRUMP WAS DEFEATED.
430
00:45:05,860 --> 00:45:14,215
AND THIS IS TRUMP'S HOMETOWN.
CAN YOU IMAGINE?
431
00:45:14,250 --> 00:45:20,860
YOU GET FIRED FROM YOUR JOB, YOU GO BACK HOME,
AND EVERYONE IN YOUR OWN HOUSE IS LIKE, BOO, YOU
432
00:45:20,895 --> 00:45:23,125
SUCK!
YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY.
433
00:45:23,160 --> 00:45:27,915
ONLY IN NEW YORK. WHAT'S THAT?
IT WASN'T ONLY IN NEW YORK?
434
00:45:27,950 --> 00:45:32,670
IT WASN'T ONLY IN NEW YORK?
OH.
435
00:45:38,370 --> 00:45:44,510
OH MY GOD, THAT'S REAL. YOU KNOW HOW BAD
YOU HAVE TO BE FOR PARIS TO RING CHURCH BELLS
436
00:45:44,545 --> 00:45:46,575
WHEN YOU LOSE?
THEY DIDN'T EVEN DO THAT FOR THE
437
00:45:46,610 --> 00:45:51,285
REAL HUNCHBACK'S FUNERAL.
THE WHOLE WORLD IS CELEBRATING
438
00:45:51,320 --> 00:45:54,890
LIKE WORLD WAR II JUST ENDED. AND I KNOW THIS
ISN'T REALLY THE SAME AS DEFEATING THE NAZIS, BUT
439
00:45:54,925 --> 00:46:03,835
IT DID END WITH A FASCIST LEADER
HIDING IN A BUNKER.
440
00:46:03,870 --> 00:46:06,370
TRUMP HAS REPORTEDLY SAID TO ALLIES THAT HE
WILL HAVE TO BE DRAGGED OUT OF THE WHITE HOUSE
441
00:46:06,405 --> 00:46:16,145
KICKING AND SCREAMING.
GOOD!
442
00:46:16,180 --> 00:46:21,535
EVER SINCE BIDEN WON, EVERYTHING I WAS WORRIED
ABOUT OR MAD ABOUT JUST SORT OF FADED AWAY.
443
00:46:21,570 --> 00:46:26,855
I MEAN, THE PROBLEMS ARE STILL THERE, BUT
REMEMBER THAT "SHAWSHANK" SCENE WHEN THE DUDES
444
00:46:26,890 --> 00:46:35,000
ARE DRINKING BEER ON THE ROOF? THEY WERE STILL
IN PRISON, BUT FOR ONE DAY IT JUST FELT OKAY.
445
00:46:35,035 --> 00:46:39,202
THAT'S HOW I FEEL NOW. I'M SO
RELIEVED. IF TRUMP WON, I THOUGHT THERE
446
00:46:39,237 --> 00:46:43,335
WOULD BE A RACE WAR. COLIN, ME AND
MY FRIENDS WERE GOING TO KIDNAP YOU.
447
00:46:43,370 --> 00:46:48,810
I RENTED THIS BIG OLD FRIDGE AND
EVERYTHING, IT WAS A GOOD PLAN.
448
00:46:48,845 --> 00:46:54,215
WOULD I GO IN THE FRIDGE? THE
BOX. BY THE WAY, I WANT TO POINT
449
00:46:54,250 --> 00:47:00,250
OUT, IT'S CRAZY THAT IT'S SATURDAY AND THE
ONLY CANDIDATE WHO'S CONCEDED IS KANYE WEST.
450
00:47:00,285 --> 00:47:03,425
IT IS NEVER A GOOD SIGN WHEN
KANYE ACCEPTS REALITY FASTER
451
00:47:03,460 --> 00:47:08,600
THAN YOU DO. TRUMP HAS FILED SEVERAL
LAWSUITS DEMANDING RECOUNTS AND
452
00:47:08,635 --> 00:47:13,705
ALLEGING VOTER FRAUD. I WANT TO
POINT SOMETHING OUT REAL QUICK.
453
00:47:13,740 --> 00:47:17,770
REMEMBER IN 2016 WHEN HE LOST THE
POPULAR VOTE TO HILLARY BY 3 MILLION?
454
00:47:17,805 --> 00:47:22,705
HE BLAMED IT ON ILLEGAL
IMMIGRANTS SNEAKING IN AND VOTING.
455
00:47:22,740 --> 00:47:25,110
THIS TIME HE'S GOING TO LOSE BY 5 MILLION
VOTES. WHICH BY HIS OWN LOGIC MEANS
456
00:47:25,145 --> 00:47:27,480
TRUMP LET IN 2 MILLION MORE ILLEGAL
IMMIGRANTS, AND THEY ALL VOTED FOR BIDEN.
457
00:47:27,515 --> 00:47:35,725
THERE'S BEEN A FEW COUNTER
458
00:47:35,760 --> 00:47:41,560
DEMONSTRATIONS IN RED STATES LIKE TEXAS
AND ARKANSAS. AND I JUST WANT WHITE
459
00:47:41,595 --> 00:47:46,035
REPUBLICANS TO LOOK ON THE BRIGHT
SIDE. YOU STILL GOT JOE BIDEN.
460
00:47:46,070 --> 00:47:54,245
HE'S NOT THE OLD WHITE GUY YOU WANT,
BUT HE'S STILL AN OLD WHITE GUY.
461
00:47:54,280 --> 00:48:02,385
IS IT THAT DIFFERENT? YOU WANTED
LUPITA, YOU GOT A CHALUPA, BIG DEAL.
462
00:48:02,420 --> 00:48:07,720
WHAT, JOE BIDEN IS GOING TO FREE THE
SLAVES AGAIN? HEY, COLIN, THAT IS TIE A
463
00:48:07,755 --> 00:48:09,285
CLIP-ON?
I'VE BEEN WANTING TO SAY THAT
464
00:48:09,320 --> 00:48:13,210
ALL YEAR. THE AFTERMATH OF TRUMP'S
CAMPAIGN IS ALSO REALLY FUNNY TO
465
00:48:13,245 --> 00:48:17,100
ME. BECAUSE NORMALLY WHEN YOU LOSE
A CAMPAIGN, YOU WONDER WHAT WENT
466
00:48:17,135 --> 00:48:21,065
WRONG? WAS MY MESSAGING
ON THE ECONOMY OFF?
467
00:48:21,100 --> 00:48:23,370
FOR TRUMP IT'S LIKE, HUH, MAYBE I SHOULDN'T
HAVE OPENLY TAUNTED THE DEAD HERO OF A STATE I
468
00:48:23,405 --> 00:48:27,845
NEEDED TO WIN.
MAYBE I SHOULDN'T HAVE GONE TO
469
00:48:27,880 --> 00:48:30,880
ERIE, PENNSYLVANIA, AND SAID THIS ABOUT ERIE,
PENNSYLVANIA. BEFORE THE PLAGUE CAME IN, I
470
00:48:30,915 --> 00:48:35,880
HAD IT MADE. I WASN'T COMING TO
ERIE. I MEAN, I HAVE TO BE HONEST.
471
00:48:35,915 --> 00:48:44,895
THERE'S NO WAY I WAS COMING.
I DIDN'T HAVE TO.
472
00:48:44,930 --> 00:48:49,830
PERSONALLY, I WOULDN'T HAVE SPRAYED MY OWN
SUPPORTERS WITH COVID AT MY RALLY, BUT HEY,
473
00:48:49,865 --> 00:48:52,965
THAT'S JUST ME. But THE MOST IMPORTANT
THING ABOUT DONALD TRUMP LOSING THIS
474
00:48:53,000 --> 00:48:55,870
ELECTION IS THAT PRETTY SOON WE WILL
NEVER HAVE TO LISTEN TO DONALD TRUMP AGAIN.
475
00:48:55,905 --> 00:49:06,345
WE MAY WANT TO LISTEN SOMETIMES
FOR ENTERTAINMENT.
476
00:49:06,380 --> 00:49:10,080
JUST LIKE WE MIGHT WANT TO SLOW DOWN
TO GET A BETTER LOOK AT A BURNING CAR.
477
00:49:10,115 --> 00:49:13,985
BUT WE DON'T HAVE TO.
BEFORE TRUMP WAS PRESIDENT, NO
478
00:49:14,020 --> 00:49:17,760
ONE EVER CARED WHAT HE SAID. NO ONE WAS EVER
LIKE, HUH, I WONDER WHAT THE LEAST-SUCCESSFUL
479
00:49:17,795 --> 00:49:20,595
REAL ESTATE DEVELOPER IN NEW
YORK THINKS ABOUT THIS.
480
00:49:20,630 --> 00:49:26,500
IN THREE MONTHS TRUMP WILL JUST BE ANOTHER
GUY YELLING CONSPIRACY THEORIES IN THE
481
00:49:26,535 --> 00:49:29,235
BACKGROUND. THEN WE CAN TREAT HIM
LIKE THIS REPORTER DID TODAY WITH THE
482
00:49:29,270 --> 00:49:29,840
THEN WE CAN TREAT HIM LIKE THIS REPORTER
DID TODAY WITH THE CRAZY DUDE BEHIND HIM.
483
00:49:39,750 --> 00:49:42,945
MOVING FORWARD WITH LEGAL CHALLENGES
TO VOTE COUNTS ACROSS THE COUNTRY.
484
00:49:42,980 --> 00:49:47,920
HERE TO COMMENT IS A MAN LEADING THE
CHARGE, HIS PERSONAL LAWYER, RUDY GIULIANI.
485
00:49:47,955 --> 00:49:58,165
WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA
WHOA, LOOK AT THAT!
486
00:49:58,200 --> 00:50:04,770
IF IT AIN'T DE BLASIO AND JENKINS,
HOW LOVELY. ALL RIGHT, YEAH, I GET IT.
487
00:50:04,805 --> 00:50:06,935
HI, RUDY. HA HA!
THANKS SO MUCH FOR BEING
488
00:50:06,970 --> 00:50:09,240
HERE. GOOD TIMES. YOU
SEE MY PRESS CONFERENCE
489
00:50:09,275 --> 00:50:11,475
TODAY? IT WAS AT THE
FOUR SEASONS, FANCY.
490
00:50:11,510 --> 00:50:15,885
YEAH. SOUNDS FANCY. BUT
IT WAS AT A LANDSCAPING
491
00:50:15,920 --> 00:50:18,390
COMPANY CALLED FOUR SEASONS.
WAS THAT A MISTAKE? WHAT?
492
00:50:18,425 --> 00:50:23,325
NO.
ANYWAY, I'M GLAD I MADE IT HERE
493
00:50:23,360 --> 00:50:27,095
ON TIME. BECAUSE FIRST
I WENT TO 30 ROCKS.
494
00:50:27,130 --> 00:50:30,230
THAT'S A GRANITE QUARRY IN
NEW ROCHELLE. WHAT A NIGHT.
495
00:50:30,265 --> 00:50:36,765
OKAY, RUDY.
SO THE PRESIDENT - THE
496
00:50:36,800 --> 00:50:41,140
PRESIDENT HAS SAID HE WILL BE MOUNTING SOME
LEGAL CHALLENGES TO A LOT OF THE VOTES OUT THERE.
497
00:50:41,175 --> 00:50:43,645
WHAT IS YOUR STRATEGY TO DO THAT? OKAY.
498
00:50:43,680 --> 00:50:48,950
LISTEN, MAN. I GOT TONS OF STRATEGIES,
OKAY? FIRST WE'RE GOING TO THROW OUT
499
00:50:48,985 --> 00:50:54,220
BOGUS MAIL-IN BALLOTS. COLIN, THESE
BALLOTS, THEY COULD BE COMING FROM MARS.
500
00:50:54,255 --> 00:50:57,895
RIGHT, YEAH. NO, THAT IS A REAL
THING THAT YOU REALLY DID SAY.
501
00:50:57,930 --> 00:51:01,965
THAT'S RIGHT. WE'RE GOING TO DEMAND
THAT WE LOOK AT ALL THE NAMES.
502
00:51:02,000 --> 00:51:05,000
IF THE NAME IS MEATTHORPE ZANDAR AND THE
ADDRESS IS MARS, WE'RE GOING TO GET THOSE BALLOTS
503
00:51:05,035 --> 00:51:11,475
THROWN OUT. PLUS WE GOT NO
IDEA IF THEY REALLY ARE BALLOTS.
504
00:51:11,510 --> 00:51:15,345
THEY MIGHT BE TORTILLAS.
WE'RE GOING TO EAT THEM AND SEE
505
00:51:15,380 --> 00:51:22,120
IF THEY'RE TORTILLAS. IF MY BUTT BLOWS
AFTER I EAT IT, YOU KNOW THAT'S A TORTILLA.
506
00:51:22,155 --> 00:51:25,755
GREAT PROCESS.
SO YOUR TEAM -
507
00:51:25,790 --> 00:51:35,800
NOW YOUR TEAM WANTS TO GET MORE
POLL WATCHERS IN THERE TO MAKE
508
00:51:35,835 --> 00:51:37,835
SURE THE COUNTING IS
HAPPENING CORRECTLY. EXACTLY.
509
00:51:37,870 --> 00:51:42,840
WE'RE GOING TO GO IN THERE, GET OUR POLL
WATCHERS SO CLOSE. WE'RE GOING TO GET THIS CLOSE.
510
00:51:42,875 --> 00:51:46,205
UH-HUH. THIS IS LEGALLY CLOSE. OKAY.
511
00:51:46,240 --> 00:51:50,445
NUTS ON BACK. THAT'S WHERE
A POLL WATCHER OUGHT TO BE.
512
00:51:50,480 --> 00:52:01,485
WHY ARE THEY SO HOT?
ASIDE FROM THE COUNT, WHAT
513
00:52:01,520 --> 00:52:07,200
ACTUAL LEGAL RECOURSE DO YOU HAVE TO
CHALLENGE THESE RESULTS? OKAY, LISTEN TO THIS.
514
00:52:07,235 --> 00:52:10,930
IN MICHIGAN, OKAY, WE DEMANDED A
RECOUNT. IN WISCONSIN, WE DEMANDED A
515
00:52:10,965 --> 00:52:18,775
DECOUNT.
WE GOT SAFETY IN ARIZONA.
516
00:52:18,810 --> 00:52:25,475
AND IN GEORGIA, OPPOSITE DAY.
WHAT? WE'RE GOING TO DEMAND THAT I
517
00:52:25,510 --> 00:52:29,520
DO THE RECOUNT PERSONALLY. AND OUR
SILVER BULLET IS, I CAN'T COUNT VERY HIGH.
518
00:52:29,555 --> 00:52:36,125
ALSO, WE'RE SUING ALL THE STATES
WE LOST.
519
00:52:36,160 --> 00:52:38,990
YOU'RE SUING ALL THE STATES? FOR
WHAT? I DON'T KNOW, CHILD SUPPORT.
520
00:52:39,025 --> 00:52:45,495
MANSLAUGHTER. I DON'T KNOW.
RUDY, I GOT TO SAY, JUST
521
00:52:45,530 --> 00:52:50,970
SOUNDS LIKE TRUMP GOT FEWER VOTES,
WHICH IS WHAT THE POLLSTERS PREDICTED.
522
00:52:51,005 --> 00:52:55,407
OKAY, OKAY. THE POLLSTERS WERE ALL
LYING. POLLSTERS GET PAID TO LIE TO
523
00:52:55,442 --> 00:52:59,775
PEOPLE. THEY'RE ALWAYS SAYING,
HEY, BABY, I'M CINNAMON, BUT MY REAL
524
00:52:59,810 --> 00:53:06,820
NAME IS BRITNEY, JUST DON'T TELL THEM
I TOLD YOU. THEN YOU FIND OUT, HER NAME
525
00:53:06,855 --> 00:53:10,125
AIN'T BRITNEY. I'M SORRY, ARE
YOU TALKING ABOUT STRIPPERS?
526
00:53:10,160 --> 00:53:14,565
YEAH, STRIPPERS, POLLSTERS.
WHAT DO YOU CALL THEM?
527
00:53:14,600 --> 00:53:19,870
I CALL THEM
- LOOK. LOOK. I KNOW IT'S HARD FOR YOU TO TALK
528
00:53:19,905 --> 00:53:24,935
ABOUT THIS. BUT YOU LOST.
SO WHAT IS YOUR PLAN?
529
00:53:24,970 --> 00:53:31,045
RUDY, WHAT IS YOUR PLAN NEXT? JUST
LIKE FOR YOURSELF? LISTEN TO ME.
530
00:53:31,080 --> 00:53:37,320
I WILL BE FINE. I ALWAYS LAND ON MY
FEET, UPSIDE DOWN FROM THE CEILING.
531
00:53:37,355 --> 00:53:40,307
I WILL MOVE BACK TO THE CITY
THAT MADE ME.
532
00:53:40,342 --> 00:53:43,225
HEY, NEW YORK! DADDY'S HOME! YA MISS ME?
533
00:53:43,260 --> 00:53:52,765
AND SALAD!
IT'S THAT FAMOUS NEW YORK
534
00:53:52,800 --> 00:53:55,035
LETTUCE. GOD, I LOVE THIS
TOWN. ANYWAY, I GOT TO GO.
535
00:53:55,070 --> 00:53:57,270
I'M OFF TO THE PENINSULA.
THE PENINSULA? THE HOTEL?
536
00:53:57,305 --> 00:53:59,735
NO. THE YUCATAN. YOU NEVER SAW ME.
537
00:53:59,770 --> 00:54:07,250
RUDY GIULIANI, EVERYONE.
I'M COLIN JOST.
538
00:54:25,600 --> 00:54:30,535
WELCOME BACK TO CENTER 5 ALBANY.
FROM THE CORONAVIRUS TO THE RED
539
00:54:30,570 --> 00:54:32,840
ONION RECALL, THERE'S BEEN A LOT OF DIFFICULT
NEWS THIS YEAR. AND LAST NIGHT WAS NO
540
00:54:32,875 --> 00:54:38,545
EXCEPTION WHEN A SUDDEN HAILSTORM
HIT THE NEARBY TOWN OF PEBBLE FALLS.
541
00:54:38,580 --> 00:54:40,850
ON ANY OTHER DAY, PEBBLE FALLS IS A QUAINT
TOWN WITH THE MOTTO, "COME FOR THE ICE CREAM,
542
00:54:40,885 --> 00:54:49,555
STAY FOR THE BIG WOODEN NICKEL."
MM-HMM. BUT NEVER DID CITIZENS THINK
543
00:54:49,590 --> 00:54:52,560
THEIR TOWN WOULD BE THE SITE OF A FREAK
ONCE IN A CENTURY NATURAL EVENT, A MASSIVE
544
00:54:52,595 --> 00:55:01,505
HAILSTORM THAT LEFT THEM RUNNING
FOR COVER. WE'VE HAD CRAZY WEATHER
545
00:55:01,540 --> 00:55:04,570
BEFORE, BUT NOT LIKE THIS, THEY WERE LIKE
GOLF BALLS. THE HAIL WAS COMING DOWN FROM
546
00:55:04,605 --> 00:55:07,080
THE SKY. IT WAS LIKE GOLF
BALLS. AND ME, I FOUND IT TO BE
547
00:55:07,115 --> 00:55:10,545
SIMILAR TO GOLF BALLS.
WOW.
548
00:55:10,580 --> 00:55:16,700
THAT SOUNDS SCARY. SO WHAT HAPPENED? WELL, I
- I WAS DRIVING,
549
00:55:16,735 --> 00:55:22,785
THEN THEY STARTED HITTING MY
CAR. I WAS CLOSING UP SHOP AT THE
550
00:55:22,820 --> 00:55:25,425
WOODEN NICKEL, WHICH IS THE PLACE THAT
I WORK. AND I WAS HELPING HER 'CAUSE
551
00:55:25,460 --> 00:55:29,760
I ALSO WORK AT THE NICKEL. AND THEN ALL OF
A SUDDEN THE SKIES OPENED UP, HAIL OUT OF
552
00:55:29,795 --> 00:55:34,940
NOWHERE. NOW JEAN AND RUDOLPH,
IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU HAD A HARROWING
553
00:55:34,975 --> 00:55:37,435
EXPERIENCE TRYING TO GET
INDOORS. THAT'S RIGHT.
554
00:55:37,470 --> 00:55:39,735
THE HAIL WAS COMING DOWN SO HARD AND
WE WERE GRABBING ON TO EACH OTHER.
555
00:55:39,770 --> 00:55:47,080
WE COULD BARELY SEE ANYTHING. YEAH, AND
THEN FINALLY, WE MADE IT UP TO JEAN'S PORCH.
556
00:55:47,115 --> 00:55:49,450
AND THEN WE LOOKED AT EACH
OTHER. WE WERE STANDING THERE.
557
00:55:49,485 --> 00:55:55,585
AND WE KISSED.
ON THE LIPS.
558
00:55:55,620 --> 00:55:58,490
OKAY. IT SOUNDS LIKE AN EMOTIONAL
DAY. WHAT HAPPENED NEXT WITH THE
559
00:55:58,525 --> 00:56:03,165
HAIL? WELL, AT THAT POINT THE
RAIN HAD STARTED AND THE WATER
560
00:56:03,200 --> 00:56:07,740
LEVEL WAS RISING IN THE STREETS. I
REMEMBER TURNING TO JEAN AND SAYING, "JEAN!
561
00:56:07,775 --> 00:56:14,997
WE KISSED!" YOU KNOW, WE SORT OF
PULLED AWAY LIKE - AND I WAS LIKE -
562
00:56:15,032 --> 00:56:22,185
"OKAY, THAT HAPPENED."
YEAH, AND HAILSTORM-WISE, AT
563
00:56:22,220 --> 00:56:27,860
THAT POINT, JEAN, WATER WAS GOING
INTO YOUR HOUSE. WERE YOU SCARED?
564
00:56:27,895 --> 00:56:31,155
YES. OH, MY, I WAS TERRIFIED.
WE WERE HOLDING EACH OTHER FOR
565
00:56:31,190 --> 00:56:39,830
SAFETY AND HIS HAND
- HIS HAND WOUND UP ON MY BREAST. AND IT WAS A FRIEND'S HAND.
566
00:56:39,865 --> 00:56:43,165
AND THEN AT SOME POINT IT BECAME
A LOVER'S HAND. YEAH, SURE.
567
00:56:43,200 --> 00:56:48,005
NOW WE'RE ASKING ABOUT THE FLOOD,
THOUGH. AND THEN THE RESCUE CREW CAME
568
00:56:48,040 --> 00:56:53,115
AND PUT BLANKETS ON US. AND I THOUGHT TO
MYSELF, "I'M UNDER A BLANKET WITH JEAN."
569
00:56:53,150 --> 00:56:58,190
THEN SHE TURNED AROUND, AND THAT WAS
KISS NUMBER TWO. AND I OPENED MY MOUTH FOR
570
00:56:58,225 --> 00:57:03,790
THIS ONE. YOU KNOW, IF I HAD A
NICKEL FOR EVERY TIME WE KISSED UNDER
571
00:57:03,825 --> 00:57:08,425
THAT BLANKET, I'D HAVE ABOUT 45
CENTS.
572
00:57:08,460 --> 00:57:11,165
OKAY. YOU KNOW, YEAH.
LET'S TURN BACK TO RACHEL.
573
00:57:11,200 --> 00:57:14,440
RACHEL, HOW ARE YOU AFFECTED BY THE EVENTS
OF YESTERDAY? WELL, MY LIFE WAS ABSOLUTELY
574
00:57:14,475 --> 00:57:19,175
TURNED UPSIDE DOWN. OKAY,
YEAH THANK YOU. SAY MORE.
575
00:57:19,210 --> 00:57:21,710
WELL, YOU KNOW, THEY WERE BOTH MY
FRIENDS. AND NOW THEY'RE KISSING?
576
00:57:21,745 --> 00:57:24,210
WOOO! I'M NOT SURE HOW I FEEL ABOUT
IT, BUT CHECK BACK WITH ME ABOUT
577
00:57:24,245 --> 00:57:29,415
THAT. YEAH, WE'RE DEFINITELY
NOT GOING TO DO THAT.
578
00:57:29,450 --> 00:57:35,220
SO JEAN, RUDOLPH, CAN YOU GIVE US AN
UPDATE ON THE AFTERMATH? HOW ARE THINGS NOW?
579
00:57:35,255 --> 00:57:40,465
WE'VE BEEN TEXTING.
A LOT.
580
00:57:40,500 --> 00:57:45,965
OH, YOU'RE TOGETHER? WELL,
WE'RE NOT TOGETHER. YOU KNOW.
581
00:57:46,000 --> 00:57:48,070
WE HAVEN'T HAD THAT CONVERSATION
YET. IT'S KIND OF HARD TO HAVE THAT
582
00:57:48,105 --> 00:57:50,805
ON TELEVISION. YEAH, JEAN,
WE'RE NOT ASKING YOU TO.
583
00:57:50,840 --> 00:58:00,350
SINCE YOU ASKED US TO, I GUESS - WHAT
DO YOU THINK? SO - WHAT DO YOU THINK?
584
00:58:00,385 --> 00:58:06,015
RUDOLPH! PLEASE! SEVERAL
PEOPLE IN YOUR TOWN
585
00:58:06,050 --> 00:58:11,060
ARE MISSING. HAVE YOU BEEN A
PART OF THOSE SEARCH EFFORTS?
586
00:58:11,095 --> 00:58:15,425
NO.
I'M DONE SEARCHING.
587
00:58:15,460 --> 00:58:17,695
YES. WE HAVE FOUND
WHAT WE'RE LOOKING FOR.
588
00:58:17,730 --> 00:58:21,270
AND RUDOLPH, I UNDERSTAND YOUR
WIFE IS MISSING? IS THAT RIGHT?
589
00:58:21,305 --> 00:58:28,845
YES, SHE IS.
PROBABLY DEAD, THOUGH.
590
00:58:28,880 --> 00:58:35,015
OKAY.
THANK YOU, RUDOLPH AND JEAN.
591
00:58:35,050 --> 00:58:38,420
TWO CO-WORKERS WHO FOUND SOMETHING
MORE. HEY, DON'T YOU TRY THAT WITH
592
00:58:38,455 --> 00:59:01,445
ME.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
593
00:59:01,480 --> 00:59:06,915
** WELCOME BACK TO "D.C. MORNING."
594
00:59:06,950 --> 00:59:12,220
WELL, IT'S THE FOURTH DAY AFTER THE ELECTION,
AND EVEN THOUGH IT'S BEEN CALLED FOR JOE BIDEN,
595
00:59:12,255 --> 00:59:14,390
THERE ARE STILL LINGERING QUESTIONS.
IT'S FRUSTRATING, ISN'T IT,
596
00:59:14,425 --> 00:59:17,155
HOWARD? IT SURE IS, LISA.
EVEN THOUGH MOST EXPERTS SAY
597
00:59:17,190 --> 00:59:21,960
IT'S OVER, THE PRESIDENT'S STILL CLAIMING FRAUD
AND THREATENING LAWSUITS ALL OVER THE COUNTRY.
598
00:59:21,995 --> 00:59:26,867
AND YOU CAN FEEL THE SENSE OF
DESPERATION AT THE WHITE HOUSE, CAN'T YOU?
599
00:59:26,902 --> 00:59:31,705
ABSOLUTELY. JUST REMEMBER, ONCE TRUMP'S
TERM ENDS, HE'S SUDDENLY A PRIVATE
600
00:59:31,740 --> 00:59:36,140
CITIZEN WITH NO IMMUNITY. AND HE WILL HAVE
TO DEAL WITH THE TAX FRAUD INVESTIGATION FROM
601
00:59:36,175 --> 00:59:41,232
THE SOUTHERN DISTRICT OF NEW YORK, AS
WELL AS THE DEFAMATION LAWSUIT FROM A WOMAN
602
00:59:41,267 --> 00:59:46,290
WHO CLAIMS HE ASSAULTED HER. WELL, WE HOPE TO HAVE
- OH, LISA, I'M SORRY TO
603
00:59:46,325 --> 00:59:49,055
INTERRUPT BUT THERE'S SOME BREAKING
NEWS. SEEMS THAT THE PRESIDENT
604
00:59:49,090 --> 00:59:51,830
SUDDENLY LEFT THE WHITE HOUSE AND IS ON
THE HIGHWAY. LET'S GO TO THAT FOOTAGE LIVE
605
00:59:51,865 --> 00:59:59,995
RIGHT NOW.
THERE'S THE PRESIDENT LEAVING IN
606
01:00:00,030 --> 01:00:03,200
WHAT APPEARS TO BE A WHITE FORD
BRONCO. AND IS PRESIDENT TRUMP IN
607
01:00:03,235 --> 01:00:06,757
THERE? IT APPEARS SO. I'M
TOLD HE'S CROUCHING DOWN IN
608
01:00:06,792 --> 01:00:10,245
THE BACK SEAT WITH DON JR. AT
THE WHEEL.
609
01:00:10,280 --> 01:00:15,385
OH, NO. LOOK AT THIS. LOOKS
LIKE THERE ARE AT LEAST A
610
01:00:15,420 --> 01:00:18,020
DOZEN POLICE CARS FOLLOWING CLOSE
BEHIND THE PRESIDENT RIGHT NOW.
611
01:00:18,055 --> 01:00:22,125
WHY DON'T THEY JUST PULL HIM
OVER? WELL, THIS IS A VOLATILE
612
01:00:22,160 --> 01:00:25,855
SITUATION. IF THEY SPOOK THE PRESIDENT,
HE COULD UNLEASH AN ARMY OF PROUD
613
01:00:25,890 --> 01:00:31,070
BOYS AND FLAG-WAVING TRUCKS. HE'S LIKE
AQUAMAN, BUT INSTEAD OF FISH, HE CAN SUMMON THE
614
01:00:31,105 --> 01:00:35,805
ENTIRE PARKING LOT OF A CRACKER
BARREL.
615
01:00:35,840 --> 01:00:44,310
I'VE BEEN TOLD THERE WAS A 911 CALL PLACED
FROM INSIDE THE CAR, LET'S LISTEN TO THAT CALL.
616
01:00:44,345 --> 01:00:46,545
9-1-1, WHAT ARE YOU REPORTING?
THIS IS DON JR., I HAVE THE
617
01:00:46,580 --> 01:00:53,285
PRESIDENT IN THE CAR. YOU SOUND
FRANTIC, ARE YOU UNDER THE INFLUENCE?
618
01:00:53,320 --> 01:00:57,360
THIS IS NOT ABOUT ME, OKAY? RIGHT NOW WE'RE
OKAY BUT YOU'VE GOT TO TELL THE POLICE TO JUST
619
01:00:57,395 --> 01:01:00,760
BACK OFF. TELL THEM TO STAND DOWN
OR DAD OFFICIALLY STARTS THE CAMPAIGN
620
01:01:00,795 --> 01:01:10,305
FOR 2024. MY FATHER HAS THE
ANNOUNCEMENT TWEET READY TO GO.
621
01:01:10,340 --> 01:01:15,095
HE JUST HAS TO PUSH "1-1." ALL
RIGHT, SIR. AND WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
622
01:01:15,130 --> 01:01:19,815
THIS IS DON
- YOU KNOW WHO THHELL THIS IS, GODDAMMIT! WOW, WOW.
623
01:01:19,850 --> 01:01:24,350
THIS HAS TAKEN A DESPERATE TURN FOR
THE PRESIDENT. IT SURE HAS, IT'S SAD.
624
01:01:24,385 --> 01:01:28,385
AND YOU HATE TO SEE IT. BUT MORE
THAN THAT, YOU LOVE TO SEE IT.
625
01:01:28,420 --> 01:01:31,330
WHEN WE COME BACK, MELANIA
TRUMP ANNOUNCES HER PLANS TO GET
626
01:01:41,440 --> 01:01:49,880
ONCE AGAIN, FOO FIGHTERS!
627
01:01:52,680 --> 01:02:04,925
** * I I'M A ONE WAY MOTORWAY I'M A ROAD
628
01:02:04,960 --> 01:02:25,680
THAT DRIVES AWAY THEN FOLLOWS
YOU BACK HOME * * I I'M A STREET
629
01:02:25,715 --> 01:02:30,655
LIGHT SHINING I'M A WILD
LIGHT BLINDING BRIGHT *
630
01:02:30,690 --> 01:02:44,535
* BURNING OFF AND ON MMM-MMM
* * IT'S TIMES LIKE THESE
631
01:02:44,570 --> 01:02:57,565
YOU LEARN TO LIVE AGAIN IT'S TIMES
LIKE THESE * * YOU GIVE AND GIVE AGAIN
632
01:02:57,600 --> 01:03:10,560
IT'S TIMES LIKE THESE YOU LEARN TO
LOVE AGAIN IT'S TIMES LIKE THESE *
633
01:03:10,595 --> 01:03:27,405
* TIME AND TIME AGAIN **
* I I'M A NEW DAY RISING
634
01:03:27,440 --> 01:03:41,425
I'M A BRAND NEW SKY TO HANG
THE STARS * * UPON TONIGHT
635
01:03:41,460 --> 01:03:53,955
I AM A LITTLE DIVIDED DO I STAY OR
RUN AWAY AND LEAVE IT ALL BEHIND *
636
01:03:53,990 --> 01:04:06,415
* IT'S TIMES LIKE THESE YOU LEARN
TO LIVE AGAIN IT'S TIMES LIKE THESE
637
01:04:06,450 --> 01:04:21,115
YOU GIVE AND GIVE AGAIN * * IT'S TIMES
LIKE THESE YOU LEARN TO LOVE AGAIN
638
01:04:21,150 --> 01:04:35,780
IT'S TIMES LIKE THESE YOU LEARN TO
LOVE AGAIN * * IT'S TIMES LIKE THESE
639
01:04:35,815 --> 01:04:52,955
TIME AND TIME AGAIN *
** COME ON, HERE WE GO!
640
01:04:52,990 --> 01:05:08,405
** * IT'S TIMES LIKE THESE
YOU LEARN TO LIVE AGAIN
641
01:05:08,440 --> 01:05:15,480
IT'S TIMES LIKE THESE YOU GIVE AND
GIVE AGAIN * * IT'S TIMES LIKE THESE
642
01:05:15,515 --> 01:05:22,520
YOU LEARN TO LOVE AGAIN IT'S TIMES
LIKE THESE TIME AND TIME AGAIN *
643
01:05:22,555 --> 01:05:28,425
LET'S GO! * IT'S TIMES LIKE
THESE YOU LEARN TO LIVE AGAIN
644
01:05:28,460 --> 01:05:37,205
IT'S TIMES LIKE THESE YOU GIVE AND
GIVE AGAIN * * IT'S TIMES LIKE THESE
645
01:05:37,240 --> 01:05:45,950
YOU LEARN TO LOVE AGAIN IT'S TIMES
LIKE THESE TIME AND TIME AGAIN *
646
01:05:45,985 --> 01:06:00,047
** ** **
647
01:06:00,082 --> 01:06:14,075
** ** **
648
01:06:14,110 --> 01:06:38,195
THANKS TO FOO FIGHTERS, JIM
CARREY, MAYA RUDOLPH, ALEC
649
01:06:38,230 --> 01:06:50,145
BALDWIN!
"CHAPPELLE SHOW" IS STREAMING ON
650
01:06:50,180 --> 01:06:58,390
NETFLIX RIGHT NOW.
GOD BLESS AMERICA.
651
01:06:58,425 --> 01:07:18,970
**
**
65869
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