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1
00:00:08,233 --> 00:00:09,033
[knock at door]
2
00:00:09,034 --> 00:00:14,033
- You wanted to see me, Mr. Downey?
- Yes, Wayne. Have a seat.
3
00:00:14,666 --> 00:00:16,665
As you know, we recently
had a specialist come in
4
00:00:16,666 --> 00:00:18,665
and install some software
that monitors
5
00:00:18,666 --> 00:00:20,665
what people are using
the company Internet for,
6
00:00:20,666 --> 00:00:23,665
- you know, keeping track of work flow...
- Oh, yes.
7
00:00:23,666 --> 00:00:25,665
- Of productivity.
- I'm tracking.
8
00:00:25,666 --> 00:00:29,166
So you want to tell me
why you're using the company
9
00:00:29,167 --> 00:00:32,666
Internet to post on Craigslist
as "HornyThriftyDad"?
10
00:00:33,666 --> 00:00:37,666
Well... [clears throat]
First off, I'm a dad.
11
00:00:38,666 --> 00:00:40,665
[techno music]
12
00:00:41,166 --> 00:00:44,165
2x12 - How the Sausage is Made
13
00:00:44,666 --> 00:00:47,665
sync & correction by f1nc0
~ Addic7ed.com ~
14
00:00:47,666 --> 00:00:49,665
[girls giggling]
15
00:00:49,786 --> 00:00:52,785
Ugh, come on!
I can't believe this.
16
00:00:52,786 --> 00:00:54,785
There's, like,
a hundred dudes working here
17
00:00:54,786 --> 00:00:57,785
and only two toilets.
That's insane, right?
18
00:00:57,786 --> 00:01:00,785
- It... that... this is insane.
- Goddamn lunchtime rush.
19
00:01:00,786 --> 00:01:02,785
I got to take
my hot two at 3:00, man.
20
00:01:02,786 --> 00:01:03,785
This ain't negotiable.
21
00:01:03,786 --> 00:01:05,785
Train is coming down the track, man.
22
00:01:05,786 --> 00:01:09,785
- [phone rings] Hello, TripTank.
- Yes, hi, TripTank.
23
00:01:09,786 --> 00:01:12,785
Confession time.
I've been impersonating a rabbi
24
00:01:12,786 --> 00:01:14,785
because I thought
it would help me pick up chicks.
25
00:01:14,786 --> 00:01:15,785
Well, that sounds
like a terrible idea.
26
00:01:15,786 --> 00:01:18,785
Right, and now
I'm at this thing called a bris,
27
00:01:18,786 --> 00:01:21,785
and I'm starting to panic a little bit,
28
00:01:21,786 --> 00:01:23,785
because I thought I was coming
to eat lunch or something.
29
00:01:23,786 --> 00:01:26,785
I guess I got it confused with brisket,
but they are not related at all.
30
00:01:26,786 --> 00:01:27,785
- Nope, not even close.
- Yeah.
31
00:01:27,786 --> 00:01:29,785
So now they're asking
me to cut off the tip
32
00:01:29,786 --> 00:01:32,785
of this kid's penis, I guess,
and I have a feeling
33
00:01:32,786 --> 00:01:35,785
this could go sideways pretty quick.
So I was wondering if maybe
34
00:01:35,786 --> 00:01:37,785
you could walk me
through how to do it, please.
35
00:01:37,786 --> 00:01:38,785
Ah, no problem.
That's an easy one.
36
00:01:38,786 --> 00:01:40,786
Let me transfer you.
37
00:01:41,786 --> 00:01:42,786
[bell dings]
38
00:01:44,786 --> 00:01:47,786
Good morning.
Nice to see you.
39
00:01:49,786 --> 00:01:52,785
- Good morning, Doctor.
- Same to you, Nancy.
40
00:01:52,786 --> 00:01:55,785
- How's the family?
- Thanks for asking. They're great.
41
00:01:55,786 --> 00:01:58,785
All right, let's see
who's up first here.
42
00:01:58,786 --> 00:02:02,785
- Oh, my. Well, I'd better get into it.
- Good luck, sir.
43
00:02:02,786 --> 00:02:04,785
[vase shatters]
44
00:02:04,786 --> 00:02:06,786
- [chuckles] Excuse me.
- Ah, I'll clean it up.
45
00:02:09,786 --> 00:02:13,785
- Acute renal failure.
- Is it serious, Doc?
46
00:02:13,786 --> 00:02:16,785
I thought we agreed you'd stay
off the caffeine, Bob.
47
00:02:16,786 --> 00:02:18,785
I need my coffee in the mornings.
48
00:02:18,786 --> 00:02:21,564
Well, I'm afraid you have
kidney disease, and it's
49
00:02:21,599 --> 00:02:24,785
- pretty far along.
- Oh, God.
50
00:02:24,786 --> 00:02:26,785
What am I gonna tell Martha?
51
00:02:26,786 --> 00:02:29,785
You tell Martha the truth.
I'm not gonna sugarcoat it, Bob.
52
00:02:29,786 --> 00:02:32,785
This is a serious operation
with a 50-50 survival rate,
53
00:02:32,786 --> 00:02:35,785
but I'm the best in the game,
54
00:02:35,786 --> 00:02:40,785
- and I'm gonna give it all I've got.
- [sniffles] Thanks, Doc.
55
00:02:40,786 --> 00:02:42,785
- Sorry about that.
- No biggie.
56
00:02:42,786 --> 00:02:47,785
[heart rate monitor beeps]
[indistinct conversations]
57
00:02:47,786 --> 00:02:50,069
Oh, hello there. Time for "Versus."
58
00:02:50,786 --> 00:02:53,785
[heavy metal music]
59
00:03:05,786 --> 00:03:08,785
[heart monitor beeps]
60
00:03:08,786 --> 00:03:11,785
[orchestra tuning up]
61
00:03:22,786 --> 00:03:25,785
[heavy metal music]
[shrieking]
62
00:03:33,786 --> 00:03:34,786
[all gasp]
63
00:03:36,786 --> 00:03:39,785
[heart rate monitor beeping]
64
00:03:39,786 --> 00:03:44,785
Oh, Doctor, thank you.
How can we ever repay you?
65
00:03:44,786 --> 00:03:47,785
Saving lives is my reward.
66
00:03:47,786 --> 00:03:52,785
- Pardon me.
- No pardons necessary, Doctor.
67
00:03:52,786 --> 00:03:56,785
Winner:
hard work and the right tools.
68
00:03:56,786 --> 00:03:58,785
There goes my hero.
69
00:03:58,786 --> 00:04:01,785
[techno music]
70
00:04:04,786 --> 00:04:07,785
[trombone plays wacky tune]
71
00:04:10,786 --> 00:04:13,785
Another Chummy Mary, Joe,
and make it spicy this time.
72
00:04:13,786 --> 00:04:14,785
Oh, my God!
73
00:04:14,786 --> 00:04:17,785
A Bloody Mary with Chamato?
So disgusting!
74
00:04:17,786 --> 00:04:20,785
Hey, Joe, true or false? Chamato's
all the slop those guys empty
75
00:04:20,786 --> 00:04:23,785
out of their boots from "Deadliest
Catch" or something, right?
76
00:04:23,786 --> 00:04:25,785
- Pretty sure that's false.
- Now look at Andrew and I,
77
00:04:25,786 --> 00:04:29,285
perfectly tasty and appropriate
drinks that reflect our
78
00:04:29,286 --> 00:04:32,785
personalities and individual
senses of style and taste.
79
00:04:32,786 --> 00:04:35,785
So you're fruity?
[all laugh]
80
00:04:35,786 --> 00:04:37,785
I am exotic and mysterious!
81
00:04:37,786 --> 00:04:41,785
Little subtle nuances of flavor!
My sophisticated tastes
82
00:04:41,786 --> 00:04:44,785
are so far above what you
could possibly imagine that...
83
00:04:44,786 --> 00:04:47,785
[speaks gibberish]
84
00:04:47,786 --> 00:04:49,785
All right, simmer down, chicken boy.
85
00:04:49,786 --> 00:04:52,785
- Don't make a maniac out of me.
- You hungry? I'm going for a burger.
86
00:04:52,786 --> 00:04:55,785
- Whoo! You know it.
- See you later, guys.
87
00:04:55,786 --> 00:05:00,785
Whoa, what is this about?
Don't worry, I got this.
88
00:05:00,786 --> 00:05:02,785
So why isn't Andrew
invited to get burgers?
89
00:05:02,786 --> 00:05:03,785
Let me guess.
90
00:05:03,786 --> 00:05:07,785
You don't want to be seen
hanging out in public with a gay guy?
91
00:05:07,786 --> 00:05:10,785
What the hell are you on about?
I'm in public with him now!
92
00:05:10,786 --> 00:05:13,785
Jerk Chicken, you know
I've never really come out.
93
00:05:13,786 --> 00:05:14,785
Some people don't need to.
94
00:05:14,786 --> 00:05:16,785
Trust me when I tell
you it ain't a secret.
95
00:05:16,786 --> 00:05:19,785
- I'm still figuring it out.
- Figuring what out?
96
00:05:19,786 --> 00:05:23,785
That hair plus those clothes equals
you are gay as a tangerine, man.
97
00:05:23,786 --> 00:05:26,785
I'm talking Judy Garland
making out with Liberace!
98
00:05:26,786 --> 00:05:28,785
Gay as a... as a super gay guy!
99
00:05:28,786 --> 00:05:30,785
Hey, Joe.
You know Andrew's gay, right?
100
00:05:30,786 --> 00:05:32,663
Cool. My nephew's gay.
101
00:05:32,698 --> 00:05:33,785
- You want his number?
- No!
102
00:05:33,786 --> 00:05:35,785
- He's an underwear model.
- Uh...
103
00:05:35,786 --> 00:05:39,785
See? Joe's perfectly fine with
Andrew's alternative sexuality,
104
00:05:39,786 --> 00:05:43,785
and these people are clearly no
strangers to sodomy and perversion.
105
00:05:43,786 --> 00:05:47,785
So what happens to be your special
problem with our queer friend here?
106
00:05:47,786 --> 00:05:50,785
Dude, Andrew doesn't want
to go 'cause he's a vegetarian.
107
00:05:50,786 --> 00:05:52,785
He doesn't eat meat!
108
00:05:52,786 --> 00:05:53,785
[snickering]
109
00:05:53,786 --> 00:05:57,785
Mmm!
That's not what I heard, am I right?
110
00:05:57,786 --> 00:05:59,785
I bet he can inhale
a kielbasa without choking.
111
00:05:59,786 --> 00:06:01,785
- You know what I mean, lady?
- That's inappropriate!
112
00:06:01,786 --> 00:06:04,785
Okay, calm down, Susie.
You know I'm just kidding.
113
00:06:04,786 --> 00:06:06,785
Hey, you want us to
bring you something back?
114
00:06:06,786 --> 00:06:07,785
- What do you guys eat?
- Gay people eat...
115
00:06:07,786 --> 00:06:09,785
Don't worry. I'll get you something.
116
00:06:09,786 --> 00:06:11,785
He's here! He's queer!
117
00:06:11,786 --> 00:06:14,785
- Get used to it, people!
- Oh!
118
00:06:14,786 --> 00:06:17,785
He means well.
[laughs nervously]
119
00:06:17,786 --> 00:06:18,785
No, he doesn't.
120
00:06:18,786 --> 00:06:20,385
[trombone plays wacky tune]
121
00:06:21,926 --> 00:06:23,925
We haven't moved in,
like, ten minutes, man.
122
00:06:23,926 --> 00:06:26,925
- I'm touching cotton over here.
- I might poop my pants.
123
00:06:26,926 --> 00:06:27,925
I'm honestly... I'm
honestly starting to worry.
124
00:06:27,926 --> 00:06:30,925
This grumper wants to get out
and take a look at the world now.
125
00:06:30,926 --> 00:06:32,925
- Ohh!
- I say we use the ladies' room, man.
126
00:06:32,926 --> 00:06:34,925
I bet it's real nice in there.
127
00:06:34,926 --> 00:06:36,925
Candelabras, travertine, and shit.
128
00:06:36,926 --> 00:06:38,925
No, dude, we can't
just walk in there.
129
00:06:38,926 --> 00:06:39,925
Oh, look, there's Ashley.
130
00:06:39,926 --> 00:06:42,925
- Hey, Ashley, come over here.
- What's going on here?
131
00:06:42,926 --> 00:06:44,925
Police lineup at the
Special Victims Unit?
132
00:06:44,926 --> 00:06:46,925
Very funny, Ashley. We need to get
133
00:06:46,926 --> 00:06:48,925
in that ladies' room toot sweet, man.
134
00:06:48,926 --> 00:06:50,925
- Ew! No.
- Come on, Ashley.
135
00:06:50,926 --> 00:06:52,925
- It's an emergency.
- Let me guess.
136
00:06:52,926 --> 00:06:55,925
- Prune cobbler in the cafeteria?
- Oh, I went back for thirds.
137
00:06:55,926 --> 00:06:56,925
Just let us in that damn bathroom.
138
00:06:56,926 --> 00:06:58,925
Hell, no. You guys don't want
to go in there, it's terrible.
139
00:06:58,926 --> 00:07:02,925
- It's the worst bathroom I've ever seen.
- Oh, come on. Don't be like that.
140
00:07:02,926 --> 00:07:05,925
I'm dead serious, guys.
It's like a portal to hell in there.
141
00:07:05,926 --> 00:07:07,925
- You don't want any part of it.
- Shut up. Shut up. Shut up.
142
00:07:07,926 --> 00:07:08,925
I'm having a contraction.
143
00:07:08,926 --> 00:07:11,925
Don't talk for a second.
[inhales and exhales]
144
00:07:11,926 --> 00:07:13,925
Hey, Steve.
[whispers] Prune cobbler.
145
00:07:13,926 --> 00:07:16,925
[groans] See you later, boys.
Good luck.
146
00:07:16,926 --> 00:07:18,925
All right, Ashley, you can do this.
147
00:07:18,926 --> 00:07:20,926
Here we go.
148
00:07:23,926 --> 00:07:26,925
[techno music]
149
00:07:29,349 --> 00:07:34,284
[music]
[both panting]
150
00:07:34,285 --> 00:07:37,284
You're not gonna bite
my head off now, are you?
151
00:07:37,285 --> 00:07:38,284
[high voice] Oh, no.
152
00:07:38,285 --> 00:07:40,285
[deep voice] Only the females do that.
153
00:07:42,285 --> 00:07:44,284
[techno music]
154
00:07:46,285 --> 00:07:49,284
"If you've found this letter,
consider yourself very lucky."
155
00:07:49,285 --> 00:07:51,284
- Hmm.
- "After years of testing,
156
00:07:51,285 --> 00:07:54,284
"I finally figured out how to send
a carbon life force back in time."
157
00:07:54,285 --> 00:07:56,284
- Interesting.
- "Read carefully, "and prepare ahead of time.
158
00:07:56,285 --> 00:07:58,284
"Get all the props and items listed here
159
00:07:58,285 --> 00:07:59,284
- before you attempt."
- Okay.
160
00:07:59,285 --> 00:08:01,284
"You will need a portable
rolling chalkboard,
161
00:08:01,285 --> 00:08:02,284
- 1-inch piece of red chalk..."
- Got it.
162
00:08:02,285 --> 00:08:03,284
- "A six-pack of Ginger Ale..."
- Check.
163
00:08:03,285 --> 00:08:05,284
- "A knife..."
- Got it.
164
00:08:05,285 --> 00:08:06,284
"And one retired
magician's white rabbit."
165
00:08:06,285 --> 00:08:07,284
- Got it.
- "Now, onto the list.
166
00:08:07,285 --> 00:08:09,284
"One: the calendar must read
167
00:08:09,285 --> 00:08:11,284
- November 22nd."
- Mm-hmm.
168
00:08:11,285 --> 00:08:13,618
- "It must be 4:30 A.M. or P.M."
- Check.
169
00:08:13,619 --> 00:08:16,284
"The sky must be littered
with cumulus nimbus clouds."
170
00:08:16,285 --> 00:08:17,284
- Yep.
- "There mustn't be
171
00:08:17,285 --> 00:08:19,284
"any goldfish within a mile
radius of your location.
172
00:08:19,285 --> 00:08:22,284
- "One crisp $2 bill must be in your wallet."
- Check.
173
00:08:22,285 --> 00:08:24,284
"Your license must be expired."
174
00:08:24,285 --> 00:08:25,285
- Check.
- "Your right thumb must be painted red..."
175
00:08:25,469 --> 00:08:27,284
- Hmm. Hmm.
- "The left, black. "Also, you must have thumbs.
176
00:08:27,285 --> 00:08:28,284
"An annoying car alarm must be going off
177
00:08:28,285 --> 00:08:30,284
- somewhere in the vicinity."
- Check.
178
00:08:30,285 --> 00:08:33,284
"A poster of the original 'Tron'
"must be taped to the wall facing you.
179
00:08:33,285 --> 00:08:34,829
"Brush your teeth with
a boar head's bristle.
180
00:08:34,864 --> 00:08:37,284
"One Smurf figurine
must be in your pocket.
181
00:08:37,285 --> 00:08:39,618
- Any Smurf will do. I used Brainy."
- Got it.
182
00:08:39,619 --> 00:08:41,284
"Batteries should be
removed "from all smoke alarms.
183
00:08:41,285 --> 00:08:44,284
"A copy of 'Time' magazine
should be in the room anywhere."
184
00:08:44,285 --> 00:08:45,284
- Check.
- "Eat a banana and its peel.
185
00:08:45,285 --> 00:08:47,284
"Take a piss.
Turn on an oscillating fan.
186
00:08:47,285 --> 00:08:51,284
"Turn off an oscillating fan.
"Take any or all eyeglasses,
187
00:08:51,285 --> 00:08:53,284
"place them in a pink
scarf, and smash them.
188
00:08:53,285 --> 00:08:55,284
- Say the name 'Gilda Radner' backwards."
- Rendar Adlig.
189
00:08:55,285 --> 00:08:57,284
"Drink half the
six-pack of Ginger Ale.
190
00:08:57,285 --> 00:09:00,284
Sing the song 'Back in Time'
by Huey Lewis but in French."
191
00:09:00,285 --> 00:09:02,284
? Remonter dans le temps ?
192
00:09:02,285 --> 00:09:05,284
"Do one push-up.
"Call someone you know, burp,
193
00:09:05,285 --> 00:09:07,284
"then hang up and disconnect
your phone immediately.
194
00:09:07,285 --> 00:09:10,284
"Say, 'Picasso was a Spaniard!'
but with an Australian accent."
195
00:09:10,285 --> 00:09:12,284
[Australian accent]
Picasso was a Spaniard.
196
00:09:12,285 --> 00:09:14,284
"Laugh maniacally for
three seconds exactly."
197
00:09:14,285 --> 00:09:17,284
[laughs maniacally]
"Now take the red piece of chalk
198
00:09:17,285 --> 00:09:18,284
"and write on the chalkboard
199
00:09:18,285 --> 00:09:20,284
"the month, day, and
year that you were born.
200
00:09:20,285 --> 00:09:22,284
"Below that date, write today's date.
201
00:09:22,285 --> 00:09:24,284
"Below that date, write
the day, month, and year
202
00:09:24,285 --> 00:09:25,284
- "that you'd like to travel back to.
- Mmm.
203
00:09:25,285 --> 00:09:26,284
"You should not write any year
204
00:09:26,285 --> 00:09:29,284
"before you were born or the
time travel will not work.
205
00:09:29,285 --> 00:09:30,284
"You can only travel back in time
206
00:09:30,285 --> 00:09:32,284
"to the years that you've
already experienced.
207
00:09:32,285 --> 00:09:34,284
"Take the Ambien.
Insert it up your ass.
208
00:09:34,285 --> 00:09:36,284
"Pick up the rabbit by the ears.
209
00:09:36,285 --> 00:09:38,284
"Pick up the knife.
Slice the rabbit's neck.
210
00:09:38,285 --> 00:09:39,284
"Pocket the list and close your eyes.
211
00:09:39,285 --> 00:09:41,284
"Smile, you're about
to travel back in time
212
00:09:41,285 --> 00:09:43,284
"to the date you wrote
on the chalkboard.
213
00:09:43,285 --> 00:09:45,284
Warning: you will not
be able to get back."
214
00:09:45,285 --> 00:09:46,907
What?
[zap]
215
00:09:48,115 --> 00:09:49,114
[phone ringing]
216
00:09:49,115 --> 00:09:52,114
Hello, PoopTank... I mean TripTank...
how can I help you?
217
00:09:52,115 --> 00:09:54,114
Hey, TripTank, remember me?
218
00:09:54,115 --> 00:09:58,114
It's Weasely Pete [chuckles]
from the golden age of animation.
219
00:09:58,115 --> 00:10:01,114
- Oh, yeah, I think I remember you.
- Look, I'm just calling to put
220
00:10:01,115 --> 00:10:02,114
my hat in the ring for a job.
221
00:10:02,115 --> 00:10:05,114
Wait, weren't you in
those really racist cartoons?
222
00:10:05,115 --> 00:10:08,114
"Weasely Pete Jabs the Japs"?
That was written for me.
223
00:10:08,115 --> 00:10:10,114
I didn't... I didn't come up with that.
I'm not... I'm not a writer.
224
00:10:10,115 --> 00:10:12,114
Yeah, that's not the
one I was thinking about.
225
00:10:12,115 --> 00:10:15,114
- "Weasely Pete and 3/5 of a Pal?"
- Yep, that's it.
226
00:10:15,115 --> 00:10:16,114
I had... I had no
problem with that guy.
227
00:10:16,115 --> 00:10:19,114
You know, we got along great on the set.
He was in my wedding.
228
00:10:19,115 --> 00:10:23,114
- That doesn't make it okay.
- "Weasely Pete and the Women Drivers."
229
00:10:23,115 --> 00:10:25,114
All right, that one was me,
but I stand by it.
230
00:10:25,115 --> 00:10:27,114
- That one still holds up.
- Please don't call back.
231
00:10:27,115 --> 00:10:29,614
Oh, thanks for saving my
place, man. I can't believe
232
00:10:29,615 --> 00:10:32,114
you didn't want anything
from the turkey leg cart.
233
00:10:32,115 --> 00:10:35,114
- Eh, everything's so expensive.
- That's why I keep telling you, man.
234
00:10:35,115 --> 00:10:37,114
You got to get yourself
a Preferred Pooper Pass.
235
00:10:37,115 --> 00:10:40,114
15% off all concessions and merchandise.
236
00:10:40,115 --> 00:10:42,114
Yeah, but, you know,
there's so many blackout dates.
237
00:10:42,115 --> 00:10:43,814
It's not really worth it.
238
00:10:43,945 --> 00:10:44,944
Hey, what are you staring at?
239
00:10:44,945 --> 00:10:46,944
What's the matter?
You never seen a gay guy before?
240
00:10:46,945 --> 00:10:50,944
Welcome to the 21st
century, you Philistines!
241
00:10:50,945 --> 00:10:52,944
Hey, you want me to play
you something on the jukebox?
242
00:10:52,945 --> 00:10:54,944
- Show tunes, ABBA, or something?
- No!
243
00:10:54,945 --> 00:10:56,944
What are you guys into,
Barbara Streisand?
244
00:10:56,945 --> 00:10:58,944
Asshole.
[trombone plays wacky tune]
245
00:10:59,590 --> 00:11:01,895
[techno music]
246
00:11:06,945 --> 00:11:08,944
Two burgers and two fries.
[slurps]
247
00:11:08,945 --> 00:11:11,944
Thanks for choosing Burger Burger.
248
00:11:11,945 --> 00:11:13,944
Oh, hey, Trent, [chuckles]
how was the game?
249
00:11:13,945 --> 00:11:15,944
Did you throw like 600 touchdowns?
250
00:11:15,945 --> 00:11:16,944
[giggles]
251
00:11:16,945 --> 00:11:22,944
- Uh, yeah. Do I know you?
- Oh, Trent, you regular huckster.
252
00:11:22,945 --> 00:11:24,944
We only have every other class together.
253
00:11:24,945 --> 00:11:29,944
Remember that time in Social Justice
when we both reached for that pencil
254
00:11:29,945 --> 00:11:33,944
and we touched hands and then
something happened with my body?
255
00:11:33,945 --> 00:11:36,944
Excuse me, I'm trying to order, troll.
I want a large fry,
256
00:11:36,945 --> 00:11:38,944
and I don't want them too greasy,
257
00:11:38,945 --> 00:11:41,944
so try to keep your face away from them!
258
00:11:41,945 --> 00:11:44,945
One fry... coming up.
259
00:11:45,945 --> 00:11:46,944
[laughing]
260
00:11:46,945 --> 00:11:49,944
[both smooching]
261
00:11:49,945 --> 00:11:50,944
[girl laughing]
262
00:11:50,945 --> 00:11:53,944
[laugh echoes]
263
00:11:53,945 --> 00:11:55,944
[ominous music]
264
00:11:55,945 --> 00:11:57,944
[evil laugh]
265
00:11:57,945 --> 00:12:00,944
Do it, Sandy.
Not enough to kill,
266
00:12:00,945 --> 00:12:02,944
just enough to make her pay.
267
00:12:02,945 --> 00:12:05,944
No, Sandy, this isn't
how you were raised.
268
00:12:05,945 --> 00:12:08,944
Turn the other cheek.
[sighs]
269
00:12:08,945 --> 00:12:13,944
I am so sick of your goody-goody
horse shit. Look at her!
270
00:12:13,945 --> 00:12:16,944
If she doesn't cut some
corners once in a while,
271
00:12:16,945 --> 00:12:19,944
she is not going to make it!
272
00:12:19,945 --> 00:12:22,944
- She's a late bloomer.
- Tsk-tsk-tsk-tsk-tsk!
273
00:12:22,945 --> 00:12:25,944
Sandy, it's just you and me here, okay?
Just poison the bitch.
274
00:12:25,945 --> 00:12:27,944
No, don't! You're above this.
275
00:12:27,945 --> 00:12:32,944
- Ah, shut up!
- Did you just [bleep] touch me?
276
00:12:32,945 --> 00:12:35,944
Yeah. What are you gonna do about
it, pray that I say, "Sorry"?
277
00:12:35,945 --> 00:12:36,944
That's it!
278
00:12:36,945 --> 00:12:37,944
- Aah!
- No!
279
00:12:37,945 --> 00:12:39,944
Aah!
280
00:12:39,945 --> 00:12:41,944
Why? Why? Why?
281
00:12:41,945 --> 00:12:42,944
[garbled yelling]
282
00:12:42,945 --> 00:12:47,944
[gasps] What have I done?
No. No!
283
00:12:47,945 --> 00:12:51,944
I don't deserve to live.
I'm sorry, Sandy.
284
00:12:51,945 --> 00:12:55,502
I'm no angel!
[choking]
285
00:12:58,945 --> 00:13:00,944
[girl] Hey, fries, troll!
Fries!
286
00:13:00,945 --> 00:13:02,944
That's it! That's all I ordered!
287
00:13:02,945 --> 00:13:05,944
Where are my fries?
She can't find it!
288
00:13:05,945 --> 00:13:08,944
Where are my fries, troll?
289
00:13:08,945 --> 00:13:10,944
[laughter echoes]
290
00:13:10,945 --> 00:13:12,944
[phone rings]
291
00:13:12,945 --> 00:13:14,944
- Hello. TripTank.
- Ah, hi.
292
00:13:14,945 --> 00:13:16,944
I was just calling to look
into a job at TripTank.
293
00:13:16,945 --> 00:13:18,944
Oh, great. We're
currently hiring animators.
294
00:13:18,945 --> 00:13:21,944
Full disclosure: I am a
head that has been kept alive
295
00:13:21,945 --> 00:13:25,460
through some really amazing
doctors in Switzerland,
296
00:13:25,495 --> 00:13:28,879
so I... my drawing is, uh...
297
00:13:29,029 --> 00:13:31,944
middle-of-the-road,
but even that said,
298
00:13:31,945 --> 00:13:34,944
I feel like it's probably, for
you guys, the all-star team.
299
00:13:34,945 --> 00:13:38,944
I don't want to seem insensitive,
but how does that even work?
300
00:13:38,945 --> 00:13:40,944
Um, I can hold a pen in
the left side of my mouth.
301
00:13:40,945 --> 00:13:43,944
I can hold a pen in my nose.
Uh, I can hold a pen in my ear.
302
00:13:43,945 --> 00:13:45,944
Well, you sound like
you'd fit right in.
303
00:13:45,945 --> 00:13:47,944
- Okay, cool.
- I'm not at my desk right now.
304
00:13:47,945 --> 00:13:50,944
- Is there any way I can email you back?
- That would be great.
305
00:13:50,945 --> 00:13:57,944
I am GregsHeadAlive
@zurichmedicalcenter.org.
306
00:13:57,945 --> 00:13:59,944
Okay, there's an email
heading your way, Greg.
307
00:13:59,945 --> 00:14:01,944
[chuckles] Yeah.
308
00:14:01,945 --> 00:14:04,945
[techno music]
309
00:14:06,208 --> 00:14:11,507
[dog barks]
[boys laughing]
310
00:14:11,508 --> 00:14:13,507
[upbeat music]
311
00:14:13,508 --> 00:14:16,507
[dog whimpers]
312
00:14:16,508 --> 00:14:18,507
[ominous music]
[dog whines]
313
00:14:18,508 --> 00:14:23,507
You're a good boy.
Now, where did they touch you, exactly?
314
00:14:23,508 --> 00:14:26,572
[techno music]
315
00:14:28,508 --> 00:14:29,507
- Oh!
- There once was a baby
316
00:14:29,508 --> 00:14:31,507
? Who never left his womb ?
317
00:14:31,508 --> 00:14:34,507
? Now he's 34 and not
going anywhere soon ?
318
00:14:34,508 --> 00:14:36,507
? It's Ma and Frankie. ?
319
00:14:36,508 --> 00:14:38,507
That's me.
[chuckles]
320
00:14:38,508 --> 00:14:40,507
[humming melody]
321
00:14:40,508 --> 00:14:42,507
[doorbell rings]
322
00:14:42,508 --> 00:14:43,508
Coming!
323
00:14:45,288 --> 00:14:50,287
- Oh, hello, Russell.
- Uh, hi, Mrs. Campese.
324
00:14:50,288 --> 00:14:53,287
So Frankie tells
me you got a new job.
325
00:14:53,288 --> 00:14:55,287
Yeah, at, uh, Joey's Pizzeria.
326
00:14:55,288 --> 00:14:57,287
- On Route 6?
- Yep.
327
00:14:57,288 --> 00:15:02,287
Oh, I love their garlic knots.
Let me get Frankie for you.
328
00:15:02,288 --> 00:15:04,287
Frankie! Frankie, wake up!
329
00:15:04,288 --> 00:15:07,287
Russell's here!
[yawns]
330
00:15:07,288 --> 00:15:09,287
Russ, hey, man.
How's it going?
331
00:15:09,288 --> 00:15:12,287
- Uh, good, Frankie. And you?
- Bring it in, bro.
332
00:15:12,288 --> 00:15:16,287
Oh... [laughs]
Ah, no, th... that's okay.
333
00:15:16,288 --> 00:15:18,287
- I'll stay out here.
- Come on, I want to hang out.
334
00:15:18,288 --> 00:15:20,287
Uh, we are hanging out.
[chuckles]
335
00:15:20,288 --> 00:15:23,287
- Get in here.
- Go on. Go on, dear.
336
00:15:23,288 --> 00:15:25,287
- Frankie wants to see you.
- Ugh...
337
00:15:25,288 --> 00:15:29,287
Um, so how do I get...
okay, what do I, um...
338
00:15:29,288 --> 00:15:33,287
- Just lower your shoulder.
- Okay, I see. Uh-huh.
339
00:15:33,288 --> 00:15:36,287
Oh, ow.
Have you been working out?
340
00:15:36,288 --> 00:15:38,287
[groans]
341
00:15:38,288 --> 00:15:40,287
Oh, you're wearing corduroy, huh?
342
00:15:40,288 --> 00:15:44,287
Oh!
Woo-hoo! There you go.
343
00:15:44,288 --> 00:15:47,287
Oh, and no shoes inside.
344
00:15:47,288 --> 00:15:49,287
What's up, bro? Beer?
345
00:15:49,288 --> 00:15:52,287
- No, thank you.
- You stop drinking, you pussy?
346
00:15:52,288 --> 00:15:54,145
- So did you go out with Carla?
- Yeah.
347
00:15:54,180 --> 00:15:56,287
- You tap that shit?
- Uh...
348
00:15:56,288 --> 00:15:57,287
- Tell me you hit that.
- Um...
349
00:15:57,288 --> 00:15:59,287
- She got a friend for me?
- For you?
350
00:15:59,288 --> 00:16:00,287
- Yeah.
- Um, well...
351
00:16:00,288 --> 00:16:03,185
I see.
You're saving the friend
352
00:16:03,220 --> 00:16:06,287
so you can have a little
three-way action. Nice, Russ.
353
00:16:06,288 --> 00:16:09,287
[shudders]
What's wrong?
354
00:16:09,288 --> 00:16:11,287
I just feel a little weird
talking about that in here.
355
00:16:11,288 --> 00:16:13,287
If we whisper, she can't hear us.
356
00:16:13,288 --> 00:16:15,287
I made chili, boys.
357
00:16:15,288 --> 00:16:17,287
This chili's the bomb.
358
00:16:17,288 --> 00:16:20,287
- Does Russell want cornbread?
- You want cornbread?
359
00:16:20,288 --> 00:16:23,287
Negative on the cornbread, Ma!
360
00:16:23,288 --> 00:16:24,287
Yo, don't spill any on the floor.
361
00:16:24,288 --> 00:16:26,287
- Ma will freak out.
- The floor?
362
00:16:26,288 --> 00:16:28,287
- It's homemade.
- He doesn't want it, Ma!
363
00:16:28,288 --> 00:16:33,287
- Okay. Jeez.
- My fantasy football team is crushing it.
364
00:16:33,288 --> 00:16:36,287
Hey, if you do that three-way,
hook me up and video it.
365
00:16:36,288 --> 00:16:37,287
Video? Why?
366
00:16:37,288 --> 00:16:39,287
I need some new material
for the spank bank.
367
00:16:39,288 --> 00:16:42,287
Oh, jee... oh, no.
You do that in here?
368
00:16:42,288 --> 00:16:44,287
- Frankie?
- Yeah, Ma?
369
00:16:44,288 --> 00:16:45,287
Bobby's here.
370
00:16:45,288 --> 00:16:48,287
Bobby, you big dummy,
371
00:16:48,288 --> 00:16:50,287
- get your fat ass in here.
- Oh, boy.
372
00:16:50,288 --> 00:16:52,287
? It's Ma and Frankie ?
373
00:16:52,288 --> 00:16:54,287
Oh, this means we're getting close.
374
00:16:54,288 --> 00:16:57,287
Yeah. I haven't seen it
since they added the 3-D.
375
00:16:57,288 --> 00:17:00,287
Hello, TripTank employees,
and welcome to the men's room.
376
00:17:00,288 --> 00:17:04,287
I'm Ron, and I'll be acting
as your chief bathroom liaison.
377
00:17:04,288 --> 00:17:07,287
You'll be pooping in just a few minutes,
378
00:17:07,288 --> 00:17:10,287
but, first, let's go over
a few simple ground rules,
379
00:17:10,288 --> 00:17:13,287
or, in this case, brown rules.
[laughs]
380
00:17:13,288 --> 00:17:18,287
All personal items may be
stowed in one of two locations...
381
00:17:18,288 --> 00:17:21,287
this door-mounted hook or
this convenient little shelf.
382
00:17:21,288 --> 00:17:23,287
You sit tight, banana.
383
00:17:23,288 --> 00:17:25,287
Next, fasten your toilet belts
384
00:17:25,288 --> 00:17:28,287
by inserting them into
the buckle on your left.
385
00:17:28,288 --> 00:17:31,287
Remember, you must be at
least 43 inches tall to poop.
386
00:17:31,288 --> 00:17:34,287
Sorry, Timmy.
Maybe next year.
387
00:17:34,288 --> 00:17:37,287
Now that you're ready to poop,
remember the number one rule...
388
00:17:37,288 --> 00:17:40,287
or should I say, "Number two rule"?
389
00:17:40,288 --> 00:17:43,287
No flash photography in the stalls.
[laughs]
390
00:17:43,288 --> 00:17:46,287
But in all seriousness,
don't be a [bleep] pervert.
391
00:17:46,288 --> 00:17:49,287
And, hey, have a great poop in there.
392
00:17:49,288 --> 00:17:51,287
Hola, empleados de TripTank...
393
00:17:51,288 --> 00:17:53,287
I'm so excited!
This is gonna be great!
394
00:17:53,288 --> 00:17:55,287
It's like a dream come true, man.
395
00:17:55,288 --> 00:17:58,287
[dramatic music]
396
00:17:58,288 --> 00:18:01,287
[indistinct chatter]
397
00:18:01,288 --> 00:18:03,287
[all gasp]
398
00:18:03,288 --> 00:18:04,287
Hey, that's Lefty Calhoun.
399
00:18:04,288 --> 00:18:08,950
- That's Lefty Calhoun.
- That's Lefty Calhoun.
400
00:18:09,288 --> 00:18:11,287
- What can I do for you?
- Two things.
401
00:18:11,288 --> 00:18:13,287
First, you can bring
me a shot of whiskey.
402
00:18:13,288 --> 00:18:17,287
- And what's the second?
- You can go tell your Sheriff Perkins
403
00:18:17,288 --> 00:18:20,287
that Lefty Calhoun's ridden into town,
404
00:18:20,288 --> 00:18:22,287
and I'll be sitting
here on this stool until
405
00:18:22,288 --> 00:18:25,287
he has the guts to face me
man-to-man.
406
00:18:25,288 --> 00:18:26,287
[all gasp]
407
00:18:26,288 --> 00:18:30,287
Hmm.
And he's there right now?
408
00:18:30,288 --> 00:18:33,287
I knew this day would come.
409
00:18:33,288 --> 00:18:36,287
[bird screeches] I'm Sheriff Perkins.
You were looking for me?
410
00:18:36,288 --> 00:18:40,287
- Ha! I'm looking for an answer.
- What answer is that?
411
00:18:40,288 --> 00:18:42,287
Is it true what they
say about you, Sheriff?
412
00:18:42,288 --> 00:18:45,287
And just what do they
say about me, stranger?
413
00:18:45,288 --> 00:18:47,287
[gulps]
414
00:18:47,288 --> 00:18:50,956
They say that you got the
smallest dick in the West.
415
00:18:50,991 --> 00:18:54,287
- What's it to you?
- Well, I'm Lefty Calhoun,
416
00:18:54,288 --> 00:18:57,287
and I say I've got the
smallest dick in the West.
417
00:18:57,288 --> 00:18:59,287
- Whoa!
- He ain't got the smallest!
418
00:18:59,288 --> 00:19:00,287
Well, maybe you do,
and maybe you don't.
419
00:19:00,288 --> 00:19:04,287
We'll never know.
I got nothing to prove anymore.
420
00:19:04,288 --> 00:19:07,287
[chuckles] Spoken with the confidence
of a big-dicked man.
421
00:19:07,288 --> 00:19:09,287
[all gasp]
422
00:19:09,288 --> 00:19:11,287
Now, don't start going
off half-cocked now, son.
423
00:19:11,288 --> 00:19:16,287
Hell, I could be full-cocked and
I'd still be half your size, Sheriff.
424
00:19:16,288 --> 00:19:18,287
Them's fighting words, son.
425
00:19:18,288 --> 00:19:22,287
Well, then, why don't you put
your money where my small dick is?
426
00:19:22,288 --> 00:19:23,287
[bird screeches]
427
00:19:23,288 --> 00:19:25,287
[music]
428
00:19:25,288 --> 00:19:27,287
On draw.
429
00:19:27,288 --> 00:19:31,287
Three, two, one... draw!
430
00:19:31,288 --> 00:19:33,287
[chuckles]
Yeah.
431
00:19:33,288 --> 00:19:36,287
[all gasp]
432
00:19:38,288 --> 00:19:39,287
- Well?
- You're still married
433
00:19:39,288 --> 00:19:42,287
to the smallest dick in the West.
434
00:19:42,288 --> 00:19:45,287
Yeah... "lucky me."
435
00:19:45,288 --> 00:19:48,288
[techno music]
436
00:19:50,958 --> 00:19:54,757
And now, the pig
who's secretly a pedophile.
437
00:19:54,758 --> 00:19:58,757
Hey, pig, want to go back to
the park and play with the kids?
438
00:19:58,758 --> 00:20:00,757
[ominous music]
439
00:20:00,758 --> 00:20:05,757
Uh... uh...
440
00:20:05,758 --> 00:20:07,757
yes.
441
00:20:07,758 --> 00:20:10,757
[techno music]
442
00:20:16,908 --> 00:20:17,907
I can't believe we made it.
443
00:20:17,908 --> 00:20:19,907
- We're finally here.
- Keep it cool.
444
00:20:19,908 --> 00:20:23,907
I know you're nervous,
but let's just enjoy the smooth ride.
445
00:20:23,908 --> 00:20:28,907
[inspirational rock music]
Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
446
00:20:28,908 --> 00:20:31,907
- Ha-ha!
- Whoo! Oh!
447
00:20:31,908 --> 00:20:34,907
- Whoa, man!
- Whoo!
448
00:20:34,908 --> 00:20:35,907
I think I'm gonna...
[grunts]
449
00:20:35,908 --> 00:20:40,907
- Get out there! Yoo!
- Whoo! I hope it never stops!
450
00:20:40,908 --> 00:20:42,907
You still with me, brother?
451
00:20:42,908 --> 00:20:46,907
Aah!
Whoo! Yes! Oh, yeah!
452
00:20:46,908 --> 00:20:48,907
- Whoo!
- I'm doing it!
453
00:20:48,908 --> 00:20:50,907
- I'm doing it!
- Woo-hoo-hoo!
454
00:20:50,908 --> 00:20:53,907
[flatulence]
Oh, yeah!
455
00:20:53,908 --> 00:20:55,907
[toilet flushes]
456
00:20:55,908 --> 00:20:58,907
- Whew! Well, back to it, I guess.
- Hell, yeah, man.
457
00:20:58,908 --> 00:21:01,708
That leftover prune cobbler
ain't gonna eat itself.
458
00:21:01,909 --> 00:21:03,221
sync & correction by f1nc0
~ Addic7ed.com ~
459
00:21:03,222 --> 00:21:05,427
Uh... hey, Greg's alive head.
460
00:21:05,462 --> 00:21:06,021
Just calling back, and I just wanted
461
00:21:06,022 --> 00:21:09,021
to check what kind of
health coverage you guys
462
00:21:09,022 --> 00:21:12,021
have, 'cause I got a couple
preexisting conditions
463
00:21:12,022 --> 00:21:14,021
and sometimes they're
sticklers about it, you know,
464
00:21:14,022 --> 00:21:16,021
being just a head in a jar.
465
00:21:16,022 --> 00:21:18,416
Anyway, you got the email.
Hit me back.
466
00:21:18,466 --> 00:21:23,016
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