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1
00:00:06,387 --> 00:00:09,587
Jessie will
be back from her
TV audition soon.
2
00:00:09,590 --> 00:00:11,220
When she does not
get the part,
3
00:00:11,222 --> 00:00:14,402
we must be ready
to cheer her up.
4
00:00:14,395 --> 00:00:17,015
I just hope Jessie
wrote to Santa
about this part,
5
00:00:17,017 --> 00:00:19,137
because she
needs all the help
she can get.
6
00:00:20,811 --> 00:00:22,641
Zuri, I know
Santa magically
7
00:00:22,643 --> 00:00:24,913
delivers presents
to every child
on the planet,
8
00:00:24,905 --> 00:00:27,355
but some miracles
even he can't pull off.
(ELEVATOR DINGS)
9
00:00:29,110 --> 00:00:30,110
(SHRIEKS)
10
00:00:32,073 --> 00:00:35,123
Guess who just booked
a part on Aloha Crime?
11
00:00:35,116 --> 00:00:37,916
Ooh, was it that
new girl who lives
down the hall?
12
00:00:37,918 --> 00:00:39,498
No, it's the old
girl who lives
here with you!
13
00:00:41,212 --> 00:00:42,252
Not that I'm old.
14
00:00:43,504 --> 00:00:44,844
Tell your laugh lines.
15
00:00:46,667 --> 00:00:49,047
Those are worry lines,
and guess who gave them to me?
16
00:00:51,132 --> 00:00:52,512
Anyway,
I got the role,
17
00:00:52,513 --> 00:00:54,443
and the best part is,
it shoots in Hawaii.
18
00:00:54,435 --> 00:00:55,555
I'm leaving tomorrow!
19
00:00:55,556 --> 00:00:57,176
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
20
00:00:57,178 --> 00:00:58,268
We are not the kind
of people
21
00:00:58,269 --> 00:01:00,099
who make it
all about us,
22
00:01:00,101 --> 00:01:01,731
but what about us?
23
00:01:03,184 --> 00:01:05,074
Well, I talked
to your parents,
24
00:01:05,065 --> 00:01:06,105
and convinced
them that we
should all spend
25
00:01:06,107 --> 00:01:08,187
Christmas in Hawaii
together!
26
00:01:08,189 --> 00:01:09,949
Yes.
Whoa.
27
00:01:09,950 --> 00:01:12,490
So much for Bertram
having our Hawaiian
villa all to himself.
28
00:01:12,493 --> 00:01:13,613
We just got
our first
29
00:01:13,614 --> 00:01:17,294
"glad you are not here"
postcard from him.
30
00:01:17,288 --> 00:01:20,828
So not only do
we get to spend
Christmas in Hawaii,
31
00:01:20,831 --> 00:01:23,001
but we get to crash
Bertram's vacation
32
00:01:23,003 --> 00:01:25,213
and make
him miserable?
Yup.
33
00:01:25,206 --> 00:01:27,046
The look of anguish
on his face
34
00:01:27,047 --> 00:01:29,047
will be the only
Christmas present
I need this year.
35
00:01:29,049 --> 00:01:30,469
But don't tell
your parents
I said that.
36
00:01:32,633 --> 00:01:35,603
♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh, oh
37
00:01:35,596 --> 00:01:38,976
♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie
38
00:01:38,979 --> 00:01:42,719
♪ It feels like a party
every day
39
00:01:42,723 --> 00:01:46,233
♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie
40
00:01:46,227 --> 00:01:50,227
♪ But they keep on pulling
me every which way
41
00:01:50,231 --> 00:01:53,361
♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie
42
00:01:53,364 --> 00:01:57,124
♪ My whole world is changing
Turning around
43
00:01:57,117 --> 00:02:00,577
♪ They got me going crazy
Yeah, they're shaking
the ground
44
00:02:00,581 --> 00:02:04,421
♪ But they took a chance
on the new girl in town
45
00:02:04,415 --> 00:02:08,005
♪ And I don't want to let them
down, down, down
46
00:02:08,008 --> 00:02:09,508
♪ Hey Jessie
47
00:02:11,462 --> 00:02:13,012
♪ Hey Jessie
48
00:02:15,015 --> 00:02:18,805
♪ It feels like a party
every day
49
00:02:18,809 --> 00:02:22,559
♪ Hey, hey, hey,
hey, hey, Jessie ♪
50
00:02:28,859 --> 00:02:31,229
I hope Bertram
will be happy
to see us.
51
00:02:31,232 --> 00:02:33,192
I just hope
he's wearing pants.
52
00:02:34,735 --> 00:02:35,865
This place
is awesome!
53
00:02:35,866 --> 00:02:37,236
The pool is huge!
54
00:02:37,238 --> 00:02:39,038
Jessie, that's
the ocean.
55
00:02:40,160 --> 00:02:41,870
Oh, that explains the whale.
56
00:02:44,164 --> 00:02:45,004
Jessie?
57
00:02:44,995 --> 00:02:46,245
Shaylee?
58
00:02:46,247 --> 00:02:48,787
I can't believe
it's you!
59
00:02:48,789 --> 00:02:52,049
Shaylee Michaels
broke into our villa!
60
00:02:52,052 --> 00:02:54,002
I don't know whether
to call the cops or
ask her out.
61
00:02:55,296 --> 00:02:58,176
Wow. Things must
have really gone
downhill for her
62
00:02:58,178 --> 00:02:59,258
since Mayan Mayhem.
63
00:02:59,260 --> 00:03:01,140
Let's give her a few bucks.
64
00:03:02,853 --> 00:03:05,813
Oh! And you brought
the sprogs with you!
65
00:03:05,806 --> 00:03:08,226
But what are you
doing in my villa?
66
00:03:08,229 --> 00:03:10,899
Last time I looked,
this was our villa,
67
00:03:10,901 --> 00:03:12,521
and we're here
for Christmas vacation.
68
00:03:12,523 --> 00:03:15,743
Oh, my gosh,
are you my present?
69
00:03:15,736 --> 00:03:17,076
Thank you, Santa!
70
00:03:17,077 --> 00:03:18,657
I owe you a plate
full of cookies!
71
00:03:22,533 --> 00:03:23,783
He hasn't changed.
72
00:03:23,784 --> 00:03:25,174
I think he's
actually gotten worse.
73
00:03:27,207 --> 00:03:29,207
And stronger.
(STRAINING)
74
00:03:31,592 --> 00:03:33,672
So, I'm confused.
What are you doing here?
75
00:03:33,674 --> 00:03:35,974
I rented this villa
on a vacation website
76
00:03:35,966 --> 00:03:37,836
called
Winkle, Winkle, Little Star.
77
00:03:37,838 --> 00:03:40,258
Yeah. It even
comes with a butler.
78
00:03:40,261 --> 00:03:43,181
Mademoiselle Michaels.
Your holiday crudites.
79
00:03:43,183 --> 00:03:44,563
(GASPING)
80
00:03:44,555 --> 00:03:46,185
Aloha, Bertram.
81
00:03:46,186 --> 00:03:48,106
(WAILING)
82
00:03:51,191 --> 00:03:53,691
So I'm not quite
sure what's
going on here...
83
00:03:53,694 --> 00:03:56,164
Well, Bertram
wasn't expecting us,
so obviously
84
00:03:56,156 --> 00:03:57,406
he rented the villa out
85
00:03:57,408 --> 00:03:58,738
to make a little
extra cash.
86
00:03:58,739 --> 00:04:00,159
That's horrible!
87
00:04:00,160 --> 00:04:01,700
Why didn't
I think of it?
88
00:04:03,994 --> 00:04:05,964
So, you guys are
here on vacation?
89
00:04:05,956 --> 00:04:07,666
Actually, it's
a working vacation.
90
00:04:07,668 --> 00:04:09,868
Because I'm working.
As an actor.
I'm a working actor!
91
00:04:11,131 --> 00:04:13,171
Yeah, got a little show
called Aloha Crime.
92
00:04:13,173 --> 00:04:16,183
That's awesome!
So, how are you
preparing for the role?
93
00:04:16,176 --> 00:04:17,756
Interviewing
local authorities?
94
00:04:17,758 --> 00:04:19,638
Studying the island
and its customs?
95
00:04:19,640 --> 00:04:21,140
Actually, I just
learned my lines
96
00:04:21,141 --> 00:04:23,641
and ate a pound of poi.
97
00:04:23,644 --> 00:04:25,104
That explains that smell
on the plane.
98
00:04:29,810 --> 00:04:31,890
Well, no luck landing
a place to stay.
99
00:04:31,892 --> 00:04:34,102
The whole
island is booked up
for the holidays.
100
00:04:34,104 --> 00:04:35,704
Bertram, I can't
believe you rented out
101
00:04:35,696 --> 00:04:37,486
Morgan and Christina's villa.
102
00:04:37,488 --> 00:04:39,608
You are gonna give
Shaylee back her
money right now.
103
00:04:39,610 --> 00:04:42,900
(INHALES SHARPLY)
I'd love to, but I spent
it all on essentials.
104
00:04:42,903 --> 00:04:44,113
You know,
105
00:04:44,114 --> 00:04:45,004
food, clothes...
106
00:04:44,995 --> 00:04:46,615
A dune buggy.
107
00:04:48,329 --> 00:04:50,829
You know what? It's okay.
Yeah, I can just camp out.
108
00:04:50,831 --> 00:04:52,461
Remember, I grew
up in the Outback.
109
00:04:52,463 --> 00:04:55,013
As a baby,
I used a scorpion
as a pacifier.
110
00:04:56,587 --> 00:04:59,177
See, all fixed!
(CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY)
111
00:04:59,179 --> 00:05:00,589
No. I'll go make lunch.
112
00:05:03,303 --> 00:05:05,393
Why don't you
stay with us?
Really?
113
00:05:05,386 --> 00:05:06,976
Oh. Thanks, Jessie.
114
00:05:06,977 --> 00:05:10,137
I can't wait
to stay up all
night with Shaylee!
115
00:05:11,061 --> 00:05:14,361
Me, too! We need
a third for go fish.
116
00:05:16,066 --> 00:05:17,896
You just
don't get it.
117
00:05:20,571 --> 00:05:22,861
(LAUGHS) Shaylee,
you can bunk with me.
118
00:05:22,863 --> 00:05:25,003
Oh, yay!
Another sleep over!
119
00:05:24,995 --> 00:05:26,575
I'm gonna
put your bra
in hot water,
120
00:05:26,577 --> 00:05:28,537
and your hand
in the freezer!
121
00:05:28,539 --> 00:05:30,909
Okay, we need
to review sleepover
shenanigans.
122
00:05:32,913 --> 00:05:35,303
Okay, Shaylee,
honest opinion,
123
00:05:35,295 --> 00:05:36,545
who wears
this better? Huh?
124
00:05:38,008 --> 00:05:39,918
Frankly, you both
look ridiculous.
125
00:05:39,920 --> 00:05:42,460
I told you the antlers
were too much.
126
00:05:45,596 --> 00:05:46,846
What the hula?
127
00:05:48,308 --> 00:05:50,388
This is Parker
and Joey Rooney.
128
00:05:50,391 --> 00:05:52,021
Their family is
visiting from Wisconsin
129
00:05:52,022 --> 00:05:53,772
and renting
the villa next door.
130
00:05:53,774 --> 00:05:57,324
They've been
coming over... A lot.
131
00:05:57,317 --> 00:06:00,237
We try to walk that
fine line between
fan and stalker.
132
00:06:02,192 --> 00:06:03,442
Like right now,
I'm fighting the urge
133
00:06:03,444 --> 00:06:04,584
to take your used tissue
134
00:06:04,575 --> 00:06:05,655
out of that trash can.
135
00:06:05,656 --> 00:06:09,036
Oh... Keep fighting it.
136
00:06:09,039 --> 00:06:12,079
Shaylee, let's go
tell Bertram he has
two more kids to feed.
137
00:06:12,082 --> 00:06:13,042
If you can't
get your money back,
138
00:06:13,043 --> 00:06:14,503
you might as well
see him cry.
139
00:06:16,917 --> 00:06:20,997
Ooh. Hello.
140
00:06:21,001 --> 00:06:25,601
I'm Joey. And you
are one tall drink
of tropical punch.
141
00:06:26,807 --> 00:06:28,387
I'm Emma,
142
00:06:28,388 --> 00:06:30,058
and I feel
really bad for
those coconuts.
143
00:06:32,513 --> 00:06:33,773
Hey, buddy,
144
00:06:35,105 --> 00:06:37,225
can you tell me
if she's single?
145
00:06:37,227 --> 00:06:40,687
Yes, she is.
Good luck with that.
146
00:06:47,908 --> 00:06:50,028
Why is he
staring at me
like that?
147
00:06:50,030 --> 00:06:53,030
Well, they eat a lot
of cheese in Wisconsin.
148
00:06:54,124 --> 00:06:55,634
Maybe he's just backed up.
149
00:06:57,668 --> 00:06:59,338
Well, then
I'm going to leave
before he blows.
150
00:07:01,171 --> 00:07:03,171
Dude, stop it.
You're embarrassing
yourself.
151
00:07:03,173 --> 00:07:06,893
(SCOFFS) No, I'm not.
I am wooing her.
152
00:07:06,887 --> 00:07:08,257
This is how you woo.
153
00:07:10,100 --> 00:07:11,760
He isn't too bright.
154
00:07:11,762 --> 00:07:14,102
Yes, we have
one of those in
the Luke model.
155
00:07:15,646 --> 00:07:17,186
So, who wants to
check out the island?
156
00:07:17,187 --> 00:07:18,437
Ugh. Count me out.
157
00:07:18,438 --> 00:07:20,898
I'm not sure my fair
Wisconsin complexion
158
00:07:20,901 --> 00:07:22,771
can handle that
harsh Hawaiian sun.
159
00:07:22,773 --> 00:07:24,403
I'm heading out
for a swim.
160
00:07:24,404 --> 00:07:26,164
Anyone want
to come with?
Race ya!
161
00:07:28,949 --> 00:07:30,279
Hey, Shaylee,
162
00:07:30,280 --> 00:07:31,490
after lunch,
do you want to
come see where
163
00:07:31,492 --> 00:07:32,742
I'm shooting my
scene tomorrow?
164
00:07:32,743 --> 00:07:34,033
It's actually right
here at the resort.
165
00:07:34,034 --> 00:07:35,174
Yeah, sure!
166
00:07:36,246 --> 00:07:38,626
Oh, uh, do not
be afraid, Shaylee.
167
00:07:38,629 --> 00:07:41,079
Just think
of Mrs. Kipling
as a doggie,
168
00:07:41,081 --> 00:07:43,171
with killer claws,
razor-sharp fangs
169
00:07:43,173 --> 00:07:44,463
and poisonous saliva.
170
00:07:44,464 --> 00:07:46,144
Actually, maybe you
should be afraid.
171
00:07:47,548 --> 00:07:50,138
Nah. Wild animals
don't scare me,
172
00:07:50,140 --> 00:07:51,890
I scare them.
173
00:07:51,892 --> 00:07:53,012
(SHAYLEE HISSES)
174
00:07:53,013 --> 00:07:54,013
(MRS. KIPLING FARTS)
175
00:07:55,185 --> 00:07:56,395
(ALL GROANING)
176
00:07:58,559 --> 00:08:01,559
Oh, you really
did scare her.
177
00:08:01,562 --> 00:08:03,812
Bertram!
Can you bring some
paper towels?
178
00:08:03,814 --> 00:08:06,614
And a hazmat suit?
179
00:08:06,607 --> 00:08:09,407
See? I told you
Mrs. Kipling ate
my homework!
180
00:08:11,411 --> 00:08:13,031
I hope you're not
expecting me to
check that.
181
00:08:17,998 --> 00:08:20,038
So, this is
where you shoot
your first scene?
182
00:08:20,040 --> 00:08:22,250
Yep. I play
a mainland FBI agent
183
00:08:22,252 --> 00:08:25,182
helping the local
cops with a homicide
at this luau.
184
00:08:25,175 --> 00:08:26,715
It's a hula-dunnit!
185
00:08:26,717 --> 00:08:28,547
Hula! Get it?
186
00:08:29,890 --> 00:08:31,220
Got it.
187
00:08:31,221 --> 00:08:33,131
If you guys
are here for a luau,
188
00:08:33,133 --> 00:08:34,263
you'll have to come back
Christmas Eve.
189
00:08:34,264 --> 00:08:36,024
They're shooting
some silly TV show.
190
00:08:36,016 --> 00:08:38,556
(CHUCKLES)
Aloha Crime is not silly.
191
00:08:38,559 --> 00:08:40,639
Surfer's Digest
gave it two boards up!
192
00:08:43,944 --> 00:08:46,034
(BOTH GREET IN HAWAIIAN)
193
00:08:46,857 --> 00:08:48,067
My name is Keahi.
194
00:08:48,068 --> 00:08:50,488
Oh, that means "fire"
in Hawaiian.
195
00:08:50,490 --> 00:08:53,360
My name is Ravi,
which means
"sun" in Hindi.
196
00:08:53,363 --> 00:08:56,043
So, I guess you
could say we are
both hot stuff.
197
00:08:57,868 --> 00:09:01,578
Wow, I found
someone who is
willing to talk to me!
198
00:09:01,582 --> 00:09:04,842
This is turning out
to be the best vacation ever!
199
00:09:04,835 --> 00:09:08,045
Wow, you set the
fun bar really low.
200
00:09:08,048 --> 00:09:09,168
I like that
in a guest.
201
00:09:10,300 --> 00:09:12,670
Can I interest
you in one of
our nature walks?
202
00:09:12,673 --> 00:09:15,233
I talk about the history
of the island,
203
00:09:15,225 --> 00:09:16,475
then I juggle jellyfish.
204
00:09:18,098 --> 00:09:19,438
Tipping is allowed.
205
00:09:21,231 --> 00:09:22,231
You mean right now?
206
00:09:23,143 --> 00:09:24,143
'Tis the season.
207
00:09:25,646 --> 00:09:27,236
I am not sure what is
appropriate...
208
00:09:27,237 --> 00:09:30,187
That'll do.
You can give me
the rest later.
209
00:09:32,192 --> 00:09:37,162
So, here is a legend
of our local volcano.
210
00:09:37,157 --> 00:09:38,997
When angered, it erupts!
211
00:09:40,160 --> 00:09:41,410
Much like our resort guests
212
00:09:41,411 --> 00:09:43,121
when they find out
about the parking fee.
213
00:09:45,205 --> 00:09:48,705
Actually,
volcanic eruptions are caused
by the buoyancy of magma.
214
00:09:48,709 --> 00:09:51,709
And your local volcano
is dormant. Boom!
215
00:09:51,712 --> 00:09:54,932
Dropped that
knowledge like it
was hot lava.
216
00:09:54,925 --> 00:09:57,765
So you already
know a lot about
our island.
217
00:09:59,019 --> 00:10:00,179
I'm not giving
the tip back.
218
00:10:02,272 --> 00:10:04,352
But every year
219
00:10:04,354 --> 00:10:07,404
we pick one
very enthusiastic
resort guest
220
00:10:07,397 --> 00:10:10,227
to be the narrator
for our Christmas
Eve Luau.
221
00:10:10,230 --> 00:10:13,030
Oh.
That sounds wonderful.
I hope you find somebody.
222
00:10:15,285 --> 00:10:17,155
Oh, did you mean me?
223
00:10:17,157 --> 00:10:20,657
Sorry, I have never been
picked for anything before.
224
00:10:20,661 --> 00:10:22,201
Yeah, I kind of
got that vibe.
225
00:10:28,128 --> 00:10:29,588
Oh...
226
00:10:29,589 --> 00:10:31,549
Ooh, what have
we here? Huh.
227
00:10:32,923 --> 00:10:35,893
A coupon for
back hair removal?
228
00:10:35,886 --> 00:10:38,016
Maybe I'll be
hitting the hot tub
after all.
229
00:10:38,018 --> 00:10:39,428
(LAUGHS)
230
00:10:39,429 --> 00:10:40,759
(CHILDREN LAUGHING)
231
00:10:41,972 --> 00:10:43,472
What's so funny?
232
00:10:43,473 --> 00:10:45,943
Oh. Just a prank
we pulled on you.
233
00:10:45,936 --> 00:10:50,066
What's so funny about
a piece of fishing line
attached to a coupon?
234
00:10:50,070 --> 00:10:53,270
Well, the coupon
is covered in
Stay Stuck glue,
235
00:10:53,273 --> 00:10:55,783
and that fishing line
is tied to that jet ski.
236
00:10:55,776 --> 00:10:56,946
(JETS SKI STARTING UP)
237
00:10:56,947 --> 00:10:59,117
(SCREAMING)
238
00:10:59,119 --> 00:10:59,989
(WATER SPLASHING)
239
00:10:59,990 --> 00:11:01,910
(ZURI LAUGHING)
240
00:11:01,912 --> 00:11:04,372
I think this is
the beginning of a
beautiful friendship.
241
00:11:04,374 --> 00:11:06,504
That's based on
the misery of others.
242
00:11:08,128 --> 00:11:11,048
You two are
like a couple
of menehune.
243
00:11:11,051 --> 00:11:13,171
A mene-who-now?
244
00:11:13,173 --> 00:11:16,513
Menehune. They are
Hawaiian pranking elves
who live in the forest.
245
00:11:16,506 --> 00:11:19,756
Are they the ones
who tricked you into
buying that outfit?
246
00:11:21,471 --> 00:11:24,811
I am just lucky
I found all of this
in my size.
247
00:11:26,767 --> 00:11:28,567
You know what's
not lucky?
248
00:11:28,568 --> 00:11:29,648
My eyeballs.
249
00:11:31,151 --> 00:11:33,441
Just for that,
if it rains,
250
00:11:33,443 --> 00:11:35,743
I will not make room
for you under my hat.
251
00:11:39,489 --> 00:11:40,989
I can't believe
I'm saying this,
252
00:11:40,991 --> 00:11:42,081
but your brother
253
00:11:42,082 --> 00:11:44,372
might be even more
embarrassing than mine.
254
00:11:46,166 --> 00:11:47,536
It's not just Ravi.
255
00:11:47,537 --> 00:11:50,667
These tourists
will open up their
wallets for anything.
256
00:11:50,670 --> 00:11:52,790
Hey, I just had
a great idea!
257
00:11:52,793 --> 00:11:55,103
Let's throw some
sand in a jar, slap
a price tag on it
258
00:11:55,095 --> 00:11:56,545
and see if these
suckers bite.
259
00:12:03,143 --> 00:12:06,853
The joke's on you.
I got the coupon
after all.
260
00:12:08,979 --> 00:12:12,269
The joke's on you.
The coupon expired
last week.
261
00:12:12,272 --> 00:12:13,852
What?
262
00:12:13,854 --> 00:12:15,784
(SOBBING)
263
00:12:20,781 --> 00:12:23,451
Ha! I wiped the floor
with you, Luke,
264
00:12:23,453 --> 00:12:26,633
and I learned how
to play basketball from
my sister, Maddie.
265
00:12:28,288 --> 00:12:29,868
That explains
the sports bra.
266
00:12:32,002 --> 00:12:34,082
The only baskets
you made
267
00:12:34,084 --> 00:12:36,554
were when I went to
get a drink of water.
268
00:12:36,546 --> 00:12:39,006
And you did not
call the time out!
269
00:12:40,340 --> 00:12:42,800
That last shot. Whoo...
Was nothin' but net.
270
00:12:44,144 --> 00:12:46,694
Yeah, nothing
but net.
271
00:12:46,686 --> 00:12:48,806
Right after
it bounced
off a palm tree,
272
00:12:48,809 --> 00:12:51,269
a lifeguard's head,
and a very surprised
seagull.
273
00:12:52,392 --> 00:12:54,022
It still counts.
274
00:13:00,200 --> 00:13:03,070
Wow, Bertram,
that's a big meatball.
275
00:13:04,364 --> 00:13:05,754
It's a basketball!
276
00:13:07,207 --> 00:13:08,997
Why would you
cook a basketball?
277
00:13:11,461 --> 00:13:12,961
I despise you, Luke.
278
00:13:14,584 --> 00:13:16,724
You too, weird kid
who keeps coming over.
279
00:13:23,183 --> 00:13:24,763
Hmm, not bad.
280
00:13:26,426 --> 00:13:28,056
You're still
gonna eat that?
281
00:13:28,058 --> 00:13:29,098
Of course I'm
gonna eat it!
282
00:13:31,932 --> 00:13:34,862
Hey, Joey.
How's your
sunburn doing?
283
00:13:34,855 --> 00:13:37,695
Great! My blisters
are starting to
fill with pus!
284
00:13:37,697 --> 00:13:39,777
Wanna see me pop one?
My record is two feet.
285
00:13:42,202 --> 00:13:43,402
You must be so proud.
286
00:13:45,655 --> 00:13:47,035
(LAUGHING)
287
00:13:47,037 --> 00:13:49,787
I'm sure Emma
appreciated
the pus report.
288
00:13:49,789 --> 00:13:50,999
Stupid, stupid, stupid!
289
00:13:51,001 --> 00:13:54,001
She probably thinks
I'm a brain-dead
zombie goofball.
290
00:13:54,004 --> 00:13:55,924
That's not true.
291
00:13:55,916 --> 00:13:57,376
She knows you're
not a zombie.
292
00:13:59,219 --> 00:14:00,959
Hey, man, maybe
293
00:14:00,961 --> 00:14:03,421
I can give you
some pointers on how
to impress Emma.
294
00:14:03,423 --> 00:14:05,603
Thanks, buddy.
I just hope
they're better than
295
00:14:05,595 --> 00:14:07,885
your three-pointers!
Boo-yah!
296
00:14:09,269 --> 00:14:11,969
I'm gonna go
get a pen!
297
00:14:11,972 --> 00:14:14,232
Are you really going
to help him date
your sister?
298
00:14:14,234 --> 00:14:16,194
Yeah, I'm gonna help him...
299
00:14:16,186 --> 00:14:17,896
Embarrass himself.
300
00:14:17,898 --> 00:14:20,478
That'll teach him
to shoot his mouth off
about his bogus win.
301
00:14:22,072 --> 00:14:24,152
You're not going to
try and stop me, right?
302
00:14:24,154 --> 00:14:27,044
As long as I don't
have to clean anything up,
knock yourself out.
303
00:14:36,166 --> 00:14:38,206
Jessie,
304
00:14:38,208 --> 00:14:41,458
I'm guessing you're
feeling nervous about
your shoot tomorrow.
305
00:14:41,461 --> 00:14:43,211
What makes
you say that?
306
00:14:43,213 --> 00:14:45,563
I remember you
telling me that
doing Origami
307
00:14:45,555 --> 00:14:47,215
helps calm you down.
308
00:14:52,222 --> 00:14:54,182
Yeah.
Sorry about that.
309
00:14:54,184 --> 00:14:56,864
I guess I went
a little overboard.
310
00:14:56,856 --> 00:14:58,816
I think our plane
tickets home are
somewhere in this mess.
311
00:15:00,820 --> 00:15:02,400
You know, Jessie,
312
00:15:02,402 --> 00:15:04,782
I was really
nervous before my
first acting job, too.
313
00:15:04,784 --> 00:15:07,084
Really? What did you
do to get over it?
314
00:15:07,077 --> 00:15:08,657
Well, actually,
I was three.
315
00:15:08,658 --> 00:15:10,908
So I felt a lot better
after I made boom-boom.
316
00:15:12,993 --> 00:15:16,253
I'll think
I'll stick
with the swans.
317
00:15:16,246 --> 00:15:18,536
You know,
Jessie, if you
need help tomorrow
318
00:15:18,538 --> 00:15:20,248
running lines,
or if you just
want me there
319
00:15:20,250 --> 00:15:22,000
to cheer you on,
let me know.
320
00:15:22,002 --> 00:15:25,012
Really?
Oh, thank you.
Thank you so much.
321
00:15:25,005 --> 00:15:27,045
Supportive hug!
322
00:15:33,974 --> 00:15:35,864
(CLEARS THROAT) Okay,
I'm not great at math,
323
00:15:35,855 --> 00:15:36,975
but there seems
to be an extra set
324
00:15:36,977 --> 00:15:38,187
of arms in this hug.
325
00:15:43,563 --> 00:15:46,033
Hey, you can
never have
enough support.
326
00:15:47,157 --> 00:15:49,777
Get out,
before I fold you
into a swan.
327
00:15:49,779 --> 00:15:52,369
Whoa, somebody
needs to make
boom-boom.
328
00:15:52,372 --> 00:15:54,032
(LAUGHING)
329
00:15:54,034 --> 00:15:55,044
(CLEARING THROAT)
330
00:15:58,538 --> 00:16:02,208
Get your Christmas
sandy canes here!
331
00:16:02,212 --> 00:16:04,672
And try our
ocean breeze
in a bottle.
332
00:16:04,674 --> 00:16:06,304
Makes a great
holiday gift!
333
00:16:09,139 --> 00:16:11,219
You expect people
to buy this junk?
334
00:16:11,221 --> 00:16:13,721
These are just
empty ketchup bottles.
335
00:16:13,723 --> 00:16:16,103
And you didn't even
bother to wash out
all the ketchup!
336
00:16:18,098 --> 00:16:21,188
Thank you, sir, enjoy!
No refunds.
337
00:16:22,772 --> 00:16:24,562
Oh. I want in.
338
00:16:24,564 --> 00:16:26,664
I have to pay
Shaylee back,
339
00:16:26,656 --> 00:16:28,776
plus I have to
buy that guy
a new jet ski.
340
00:16:30,110 --> 00:16:32,490
Okay. We'll
let you in if
you can find
341
00:16:32,492 --> 00:16:33,822
some way to sell these.
342
00:16:36,496 --> 00:16:39,666
This is the fourth year
in a row you've given
me coal for Christmas!
343
00:16:41,081 --> 00:16:42,121
It's not coal.
344
00:16:42,122 --> 00:16:44,582
These are rocks
we found near
the volcano.
345
00:16:44,584 --> 00:16:47,134
We just haven't
figured out a way
to market them yet.
346
00:16:47,507 --> 00:16:48,587
I know!
347
00:16:48,588 --> 00:16:50,838
I can make a whole
boy band line.
348
00:16:50,840 --> 00:16:53,220
I'll just slap
pretty boy faces
on these things,
349
00:16:53,223 --> 00:16:56,443
and sell them as
New Rocks on the Block!
(LAUGHS)
350
00:16:57,016 --> 00:16:58,016
That's dumb.
351
00:16:59,599 --> 00:17:02,479
Makes more sense
than bottles full of air.
352
00:17:02,482 --> 00:17:04,102
The man
has a point.
353
00:17:04,104 --> 00:17:07,244
Plus, I cannot
suck down one more
bottle of ketchup.
354
00:17:12,031 --> 00:17:15,461
Oh! Bertram,
I told Joey
Emma loves bugs.
355
00:17:16,156 --> 00:17:17,746
Watch this
train wreck.
356
00:17:17,747 --> 00:17:19,117
It'll put you in
the Christmas spirit.
357
00:17:20,660 --> 00:17:22,660
I don't have time
for childish games.
358
00:17:22,662 --> 00:17:25,672
Now tell me,
did I get the hair right
on Justin Timberslate?
359
00:17:27,587 --> 00:17:29,757
Just when I thought
you couldn't get any weirder.
360
00:17:33,133 --> 00:17:36,143
(EXHALES)
361
00:17:36,136 --> 00:17:41,516
Wow. Emma.
You do not have any hair
on your toes at all!
362
00:17:43,183 --> 00:17:45,023
Right. Because I'm
not from the Shire.
363
00:17:47,066 --> 00:17:48,816
You know,
that pedicure
reminded me
364
00:17:48,818 --> 00:17:50,398
that the American
cockroach
365
00:17:50,400 --> 00:17:52,400
sometimes feeds
on human toenails.
366
00:17:53,153 --> 00:17:54,363
What?
367
00:17:54,364 --> 00:17:56,004
(LUKE SNICKERING)
368
00:17:55,995 --> 00:17:58,245
The cockroach
has also been
known to feed
369
00:17:58,248 --> 00:18:00,038
on eyebrows,
eyelashes and
370
00:18:00,039 --> 00:18:01,829
(CLEARS THROAT)
371
00:18:01,831 --> 00:18:03,201
the hair of sleeping
children.
372
00:18:06,126 --> 00:18:07,876
I think I'm going to be sick.
373
00:18:07,877 --> 00:18:10,127
Oh. Really? Well,
while you're in
the bathroom,
374
00:18:10,130 --> 00:18:12,800
take time to
think about the
amazing housefly,
375
00:18:12,802 --> 00:18:17,432
which defecates
every 4.5 minutes.
376
00:18:17,427 --> 00:18:18,767
(IMITATES EXPLOSION)
377
00:18:18,768 --> 00:18:20,178
(LAUGHING)
378
00:18:20,180 --> 00:18:22,180
What is wrong
with you?
379
00:18:22,182 --> 00:18:24,182
You're, like,
the high-waisted
jeans of people!
380
00:18:28,107 --> 00:18:30,277
Luke, you told me
she loved bugs!
381
00:18:30,280 --> 00:18:31,860
No, I didn't.
382
00:18:31,861 --> 00:18:33,031
You must have
misheard me.
383
00:18:33,032 --> 00:18:36,582
I said Emma loves, uh...
384
00:18:38,538 --> 00:18:39,948
Pigs.
385
00:18:41,701 --> 00:18:42,791
Pigs?
386
00:18:42,792 --> 00:18:44,082
Oh, yeah.
387
00:18:44,083 --> 00:18:46,093
Yeah, the dirtier
the animal, the better.
388
00:18:46,085 --> 00:18:48,835
If it rolls
in its own filth,
it's up Emma's alley.
389
00:18:50,300 --> 00:18:52,010
Pigs!
390
00:18:52,011 --> 00:18:54,301
That makes
so much more sense!
391
00:18:54,304 --> 00:18:57,184
Thanks, Luke.
You're awesome!
392
00:18:57,177 --> 00:18:59,257
You need to
find a better use
of your time.
393
00:18:59,259 --> 00:19:01,429
Says the guy
gluing a goatee
onto a rock.
394
00:19:06,316 --> 00:19:09,646
I can't believe I'm about
to be on network TV
for the first time!
395
00:19:09,649 --> 00:19:10,939
If you don't count
being on the news
396
00:19:10,940 --> 00:19:13,230
for falling down
that manhole.
397
00:19:13,233 --> 00:19:16,453
The guest star began
to prepare for her
television debut,
398
00:19:16,446 --> 00:19:18,696
seemingly unfazed
by past failures.
399
00:19:20,159 --> 00:19:21,199
(CLEARS THROAT)
400
00:19:21,201 --> 00:19:24,121
Uh, Ravi, why...
Why are you talking like that?
401
00:19:24,123 --> 00:19:27,093
I am going to be
the narrator for the
Christmas Eve Luau,
402
00:19:27,086 --> 00:19:31,166
so I am practicing
narrating.
403
00:19:31,170 --> 00:19:35,220
Well, be a little
more narrator, and
a little less nar-hater.
404
00:19:35,215 --> 00:19:38,005
And the narrator's
leaving after being
rudely admonished.
405
00:19:40,680 --> 00:19:44,260
Hi! You must be playing
our FBI Agent Vickers.
406
00:19:44,264 --> 00:19:47,154
I'm Kevin Randolf,
director/producer.
407
00:19:47,146 --> 00:19:51,266
Oh! I'm Jessie Prescott,
actress/singer.
408
00:19:51,271 --> 00:19:52,981
I'm so sorry I'm late!
409
00:19:52,982 --> 00:19:54,692
I was wrestling
with Mrs. Kipling.
410
00:19:54,694 --> 00:19:56,034
She's a biter.
411
00:19:56,025 --> 00:19:57,945
Luckily, so am I.
(CRACKS)
412
00:19:59,779 --> 00:20:01,119
Shaylee, I'm so
glad you made it.
413
00:20:01,120 --> 00:20:03,320
Wait.
Shaylee Michaels?
414
00:20:04,954 --> 00:20:09,174
Kevin Randolf.
Producer/huge fan.
Oh...
415
00:20:09,168 --> 00:20:12,208
I loved you in
Teen Beach Zombie Hunters!
416
00:20:12,211 --> 00:20:13,711
Right? When
that guy broke
her heart
417
00:20:13,713 --> 00:20:15,173
and then she ate his?
418
00:20:15,174 --> 00:20:16,184
BOTH: Loved it.
419
00:20:17,136 --> 00:20:18,426
What are you doing here?
420
00:20:18,428 --> 00:20:20,098
Oh, I'm here to support
my friend,
421
00:20:20,099 --> 00:20:22,009
who is guest starring
on your show.
422
00:20:22,011 --> 00:20:23,011
We have a guest star?
423
00:20:23,893 --> 00:20:25,773
Hello? Me!
424
00:20:25,765 --> 00:20:28,225
Shaylee, you have got
to be in this scene.
425
00:20:28,227 --> 00:20:29,057
Just having
you on screen
426
00:20:29,058 --> 00:20:30,478
would add
tons of viewers!
427
00:20:30,480 --> 00:20:33,310
We're a little
light on talent
this episode.
428
00:20:35,064 --> 00:20:36,624
Again, standing
right here.
429
00:20:38,278 --> 00:20:39,408
That's very flattering,
430
00:20:39,409 --> 00:20:41,319
but I'm just here
to support Jessie.
431
00:20:41,321 --> 00:20:43,991
Oh, well, I'm sure Jessie
432
00:20:43,993 --> 00:20:46,833
wouldn't mind if
Agent Vickers had a partner.
433
00:20:46,826 --> 00:20:48,126
Would you?
434
00:20:48,127 --> 00:20:49,577
No. Of course not!
435
00:20:49,579 --> 00:20:51,369
No. I would love
for Shaylee to be
in my scene!
436
00:20:51,371 --> 00:20:53,541
No. I don't know...
It's your big day.
437
00:20:53,543 --> 00:20:56,933
I insist. My first
scene with my most
famous friend!
438
00:20:57,797 --> 00:20:59,337
All righty then!
439
00:20:59,339 --> 00:21:00,429
This is going to be fun!
440
00:21:00,430 --> 00:21:01,550
It will!
441
00:21:01,551 --> 00:21:05,311
Not giant lizard
wrestling fun,
but fun!
442
00:21:05,305 --> 00:21:07,645
Then it's settled!
Shaylee, let's go
get you a gold star
443
00:21:07,647 --> 00:21:09,687
for your dressing
room door and a
giant fruit basket
444
00:21:12,021 --> 00:21:13,271
I like fruit, too.
445
00:21:14,394 --> 00:21:15,904
A fruitless Jessie
446
00:21:15,895 --> 00:21:17,155
watched them leave,
447
00:21:17,156 --> 00:21:19,896
as a brighter star
emerged on the horizon.
448
00:21:19,899 --> 00:21:21,319
Duh-duh...
449
00:21:21,321 --> 00:21:22,531
Don't you dare finish
450
00:21:22,532 --> 00:21:24,032
that ominous
musical sting!
451
00:21:25,244 --> 00:21:27,124
Duh!
452
00:21:31,581 --> 00:21:34,581
Stop! You're
turning this place
into a pig sty!
453
00:21:34,584 --> 00:21:36,014
(PIG GRUNTING)
454
00:21:36,005 --> 00:21:37,255
Really should have
seen that coming.
455
00:21:37,256 --> 00:21:38,676
(PIG SQUEALING)
456
00:21:38,678 --> 00:21:41,378
Whoa!
An actual pig
in a blanket!
457
00:21:44,183 --> 00:21:47,603
You said Emma loves pigs,
so I got her one of her own.
458
00:21:47,597 --> 00:21:49,477
What do you think
she'll say when she sees him?
459
00:21:49,479 --> 00:21:51,099
(EMMA SCREAMING)
(SQUEALS)
460
00:21:51,100 --> 00:21:53,730
That's what
I was hoping for.
461
00:21:53,733 --> 00:21:56,443
Don't touch that,
you swine!
That's couture!
462
00:21:58,698 --> 00:22:01,108
Hi, Emma!
463
00:22:01,110 --> 00:22:03,780
This is that
beautiful girl I was
telling you about.
464
00:22:05,825 --> 00:22:09,405
This little piggy was
about to become roast pork
at the luau,
465
00:22:09,409 --> 00:22:11,039
but I rescued him,
for you.
466
00:22:12,041 --> 00:22:13,041
For me?
467
00:22:16,005 --> 00:22:20,215
Aww! That's the
sweetest thing anyone's
ever done for me!
468
00:22:20,219 --> 00:22:21,629
You saved a life!
469
00:22:21,631 --> 00:22:24,801
You're like a fireman.
Or the fashion police.
470
00:22:24,804 --> 00:22:26,064
LUKE: Uh...
471
00:22:27,517 --> 00:22:31,057
Emma, it's a pig!
472
00:22:31,060 --> 00:22:34,180
It rolls around
in its own filth
and it eats garbage.
473
00:22:34,524 --> 00:22:35,944
So do you.
474
00:22:37,236 --> 00:22:39,436
At least
the pig's pink
and cuddly!
475
00:22:39,439 --> 00:22:42,939
Throw a little
glitter on this thing,
and it's my dream pet!
476
00:22:42,942 --> 00:22:44,532
Thank you, Joey!
477
00:22:45,445 --> 00:22:46,445
(PIG GRUNTING)
478
00:22:47,447 --> 00:22:49,077
They both look so happy.
479
00:22:50,540 --> 00:22:51,540
Epic fail!
480
00:22:53,753 --> 00:22:55,463
So, what are we
going to name him?
481
00:22:56,335 --> 00:22:57,915
How about Hamlet?
482
00:22:57,917 --> 00:22:59,707
I love it!
483
00:22:59,709 --> 00:23:01,209
It's classy,
and it acknowledges
his pork heritage.
484
00:23:09,429 --> 00:23:11,179
Judging by the
juice spatter,
485
00:23:11,180 --> 00:23:12,270
I'd say this
hula girl was
486
00:23:12,271 --> 00:23:14,851
pineappled between
3:00 and 4:00 a.m.
487
00:23:14,854 --> 00:23:19,154
Time to find this perp
and make him go...
Aloha.
488
00:23:20,820 --> 00:23:22,020
Cut!
489
00:23:22,021 --> 00:23:23,231
Jessie, that
was amazing!
490
00:23:23,232 --> 00:23:24,362
Thank you.
491
00:23:24,363 --> 00:23:26,333
Yes, yes, great,
but, Shaylee,
492
00:23:26,325 --> 00:23:29,655
I loved the emotion
you showed in that scene.
493
00:23:29,659 --> 00:23:31,029
Oh, you want emotion?
494
00:23:31,030 --> 00:23:32,660
I can make myself cry.
495
00:23:32,662 --> 00:23:34,202
Just give me 30
seconds to think
about my dating life,
496
00:23:34,203 --> 00:23:37,383
and I can turn this
whole crime scene
into a splash zone.
497
00:23:37,376 --> 00:23:40,706
Charming.
So, Shaylee, I feel
like Agent Vickers'
498
00:23:40,710 --> 00:23:43,090
partner needs
a monologue here.
499
00:23:43,092 --> 00:23:44,302
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)
500
00:23:44,303 --> 00:23:47,223
(STAMMERS) But I
have a monologue
in this scene.
501
00:23:47,216 --> 00:23:49,046
Are you saying
you want to give
Shaylee my lines?
502
00:23:49,048 --> 00:23:52,258
Oh, no, no!
Not all of them.
503
00:23:56,015 --> 00:23:57,725
Judging by this
juice spatter,
504
00:23:57,727 --> 00:23:59,147
I'd say this
hula girl
505
00:23:59,148 --> 00:24:00,228
was pineappled
between
506
00:24:00,229 --> 00:24:02,059
3:00 and 4:00 a.m.
507
00:24:02,061 --> 00:24:07,201
Time to find this perp
and make him go...
Aloha.
508
00:24:08,528 --> 00:24:10,278
Uh... Cut!
509
00:24:10,279 --> 00:24:11,659
(BELL RINGING)
510
00:24:11,661 --> 00:24:15,161
Hmm, the scene
didn't quite work.
511
00:24:15,164 --> 00:24:16,004
I agree.
512
00:24:15,995 --> 00:24:17,495
Yeah. Me, too.
I told you
513
00:24:17,497 --> 00:24:19,837
I shouldn't have
these lines,
they're Jessie's.
514
00:24:19,839 --> 00:24:21,749
Don't worry,
I'm going to
make Jessie
515
00:24:21,751 --> 00:24:23,751
the most
important character
516
00:24:23,753 --> 00:24:25,893
in the entire
murder mystery.
517
00:24:25,885 --> 00:24:27,505
(CHUCKLES)
Now we're talking!
518
00:24:28,798 --> 00:24:32,758
Actually, I'm
not talking...
Or breathing.
519
00:24:32,762 --> 00:24:34,222
Right, because
you're a corpse.
520
00:24:34,223 --> 00:24:36,063
Can't you see,
you're the center
521
00:24:36,055 --> 00:24:37,725
of the whole mystery!
522
00:24:37,727 --> 00:24:39,767
I can't see
anything, because
I'm face down.
523
00:24:40,900 --> 00:24:42,060
Look...
524
00:24:42,061 --> 00:24:44,151
This is all wrong.
525
00:24:44,153 --> 00:24:45,533
Yeah, you're a
little too high-strung
to be a corpse.
526
00:24:45,525 --> 00:24:48,405
I'm going to go
with the dummy.
527
00:24:48,407 --> 00:24:50,067
So, what role
would you like
me to play?
528
00:24:50,069 --> 00:24:51,989
The role of the
fired actress.
529
00:24:52,912 --> 00:24:54,202
What?
530
00:24:54,203 --> 00:24:56,293
You're firing me,
but keeping Shaylee?
531
00:24:56,285 --> 00:24:57,995
Of course, she's a star.
532
00:24:57,997 --> 00:24:59,457
What is this,
your first job in TV?
533
00:25:00,249 --> 00:25:01,669
Yes!
534
00:25:01,671 --> 00:25:03,251
And it should
have been my first
fruit basket, too!
535
00:25:04,674 --> 00:25:06,014
So, Jessie,
536
00:25:06,005 --> 00:25:08,425
what important new role
did he give you?
537
00:25:08,427 --> 00:25:09,757
The corpse.
538
00:25:09,759 --> 00:25:11,549
But the only lines
the corpse has
539
00:25:11,551 --> 00:25:14,471
are the chalk ones
around it.
540
00:25:14,473 --> 00:25:16,603
Exactly. And when
I brought that
to his attention,
541
00:25:16,596 --> 00:25:18,136
he fired me.
542
00:25:18,137 --> 00:25:20,897
What?
That's terrible.
What can I do?
543
00:25:22,401 --> 00:25:24,941
You've done enough.
Okay? Don't talk to me,
544
00:25:24,944 --> 00:25:26,914
don't follow me,
and I never want
to see you again.
545
00:25:34,654 --> 00:25:36,924
Jessie,
are you still mad?
546
00:25:36,916 --> 00:25:38,536
What do you think?
(SIGHS)
547
00:25:46,335 --> 00:25:49,295
I think you're having
a bit of trouble getting
comfortable.
548
00:25:49,298 --> 00:25:51,468
Yeah, well, it's
kind of hard to sleep
549
00:25:51,470 --> 00:25:52,760
with a knife
in your back.
550
00:25:57,937 --> 00:26:00,597
Well, I guess
I'll just be sleeping
on this chair.
551
00:26:00,600 --> 00:26:02,730
Unless I get up to get
a glass of water,
552
00:26:02,732 --> 00:26:06,032
and you steal the bed,
like you steal
everything else.
553
00:26:06,025 --> 00:26:08,815
Jessie, I didn't
mean to ruin
your big break.
554
00:26:08,818 --> 00:26:10,858
I am really,
really sorry.
555
00:26:10,860 --> 00:26:12,110
I thought you
were my friend.
556
00:26:12,111 --> 00:26:14,031
I am your friend.
557
00:26:14,033 --> 00:26:14,993
Well, then I'd hate
to see what you do to
your enemies.
558
00:26:14,994 --> 00:26:17,004
I don't have
any enemies.
You do now.
559
00:26:18,958 --> 00:26:21,118
LUKE: Ladies, ladies, please.
560
00:26:24,664 --> 00:26:27,214
It kills me
that you two
are fighting.
561
00:26:27,206 --> 00:26:28,916
I want my future first
562
00:26:28,918 --> 00:26:31,048
and second wives
to get along.
563
00:26:31,050 --> 00:26:32,880
BOTH: Get lost.
564
00:26:32,882 --> 00:26:35,852
See? I've already
got you girls
on the same page.
565
00:26:36,305 --> 00:26:39,135
Another group hug?
566
00:26:39,138 --> 00:26:41,848
Hey. It's my job
to throw a pillow
at Luke.
567
00:26:41,851 --> 00:26:44,061
Or are you gonna
take that, too?
568
00:26:44,063 --> 00:26:46,153
Ha. I'm warning you.
569
00:26:46,145 --> 00:26:48,685
I was the star of
Pillow Fight Club.
570
00:26:48,688 --> 00:26:50,988
Yeah, I saw that
on the clearance rack.
571
00:26:51,610 --> 00:26:53,530
Oh, it is on.
Oh!
572
00:26:53,532 --> 00:26:54,862
(GRUNTING)
573
00:26:56,786 --> 00:26:59,236
Maybe Jessie's dream
didn't come true,
574
00:26:59,238 --> 00:27:00,658
but mine sure did.
575
00:27:15,214 --> 00:27:19,224
Maybe putting Bertram
in a loin cloth was
not our best idea.
576
00:27:19,218 --> 00:27:22,178
Yeah, he makes
a terrible menehune.
577
00:27:22,181 --> 00:27:24,851
He's more like
a maxihune.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
578
00:27:26,025 --> 00:27:27,315
Get us some customers.
579
00:27:27,316 --> 00:27:29,146
Okay, okay.
580
00:27:29,148 --> 00:27:31,188
Ooh, watch me
juggle these.
581
00:27:36,035 --> 00:27:37,695
Don't bend over!
582
00:27:40,780 --> 00:27:43,240
Bertram,
you're supposed
to pull customers in,
583
00:27:43,242 --> 00:27:45,082
not scare them away.
584
00:27:45,084 --> 00:27:47,134
And yet you put me
in a diaper.
585
00:27:49,168 --> 00:27:51,128
I have
a better plan.
586
00:27:53,793 --> 00:27:55,343
(IN DAKOTAN ACCENT)
Oh, Land o' Goshen,
587
00:27:55,344 --> 00:27:58,644
those are some
beautiful rocks now,
don't you know.
588
00:28:00,469 --> 00:28:02,719
Thank you,
total stranger.
589
00:28:02,722 --> 00:28:05,182
Would you like
to buy some?
590
00:28:05,184 --> 00:28:06,814
You betcha.
591
00:28:06,806 --> 00:28:09,106
Everyone
is gabbin' about
how much luck
592
00:28:09,108 --> 00:28:11,478
these rocks'll
bring ya.
593
00:28:11,480 --> 00:28:15,190
And they're right.
The more you buy,
the luckier you'll be.
594
00:28:16,946 --> 00:28:18,196
Oh...
595
00:28:18,197 --> 00:28:22,157
And I see you
got 'em dressed up
like boy bands.
596
00:28:22,161 --> 00:28:24,371
That is so
darned precious.
(CHUCKLES)
597
00:28:26,205 --> 00:28:29,495
I think I'll take
the entire set of
One Di-rock-tion.
598
00:28:32,171 --> 00:28:35,251
Here.
Here's your cash.
(LAUGHS)
599
00:28:35,254 --> 00:28:36,554
Good work, Fargo.
600
00:28:39,138 --> 00:28:41,138
Aloha, kids.
601
00:28:41,140 --> 00:28:43,470
I see you got
yourself a little
business here.
602
00:28:43,472 --> 00:28:47,152
Yes, ma'am.
Would you like to
buy a lucky lava rock?
603
00:28:47,146 --> 00:28:49,016
Absolutely not.
604
00:28:49,018 --> 00:28:51,058
Those rocks are part
of this island,
605
00:28:51,060 --> 00:28:54,230
and this island
is a living,
breathing thing.
606
00:28:54,233 --> 00:28:55,653
Just like
your friend here.
607
00:28:55,654 --> 00:28:58,624
You wouldn't
sell pieces of him,
would you?
608
00:28:59,488 --> 00:29:01,028
Depends on the offer.
609
00:29:02,031 --> 00:29:03,571
That's cold.
610
00:29:03,572 --> 00:29:06,082
My point is,
no one in Hawaii
sells these rocks.
611
00:29:09,128 --> 00:29:10,918
Oh, man,
did you hear
what she just said?
612
00:29:10,920 --> 00:29:12,330
I sure did.
613
00:29:12,331 --> 00:29:14,961
We're the only
game in town.
Yes.
614
00:29:16,465 --> 00:29:21,175
Get your exclusive
lucky lava rocks.
615
00:29:21,180 --> 00:29:23,010
We're going to
sell the whole
dang island.
616
00:29:23,012 --> 00:29:26,272
(RUMBLING)
617
00:29:28,227 --> 00:29:30,887
Bertram, you've got to
lay off the coconut milk.
618
00:29:34,894 --> 00:29:38,204
Jessie, do you
want me to help
you get dressed?
619
00:29:38,197 --> 00:29:40,657
Or at least
scrape the dried food
off your robe?
620
00:29:42,241 --> 00:29:44,991
It's not all food.
That's puss.
621
00:29:44,994 --> 00:29:49,004
Always stay at least
two feet away from Joey.
622
00:29:48,998 --> 00:29:52,118
Aloha Crime
is a stupid show
anyway.
623
00:29:52,121 --> 00:29:54,041
This job was supposed
to be my big break,
624
00:29:54,043 --> 00:29:55,973
and now I'll never
get another one.
625
00:29:55,965 --> 00:29:58,255
Sure you will.
You always bounce back.
626
00:29:58,257 --> 00:30:01,377
Just like you did
after you were expelled
from that improv troupe.
627
00:30:01,380 --> 00:30:03,300
And fired from that
understudy role.
628
00:30:03,302 --> 00:30:06,142
Or when you almost
burned down the set
of that infomercial.
629
00:30:08,427 --> 00:30:11,347
Are you guys done
cheering me up?
630
00:30:11,350 --> 00:30:13,640
I just want to know
why nothing ever
works out for me.
631
00:30:13,642 --> 00:30:15,812
(HAMLET GRUNTING)
And why there's a pig here
in a sailor suit.
632
00:30:17,606 --> 00:30:20,696
Jessie, I met this
amazing, sweet guy...
633
00:30:20,699 --> 00:30:23,899
He's not
in the Navy, is he?
634
00:30:23,903 --> 00:30:26,503
No. I'm talking
about Joey.
635
00:30:26,495 --> 00:30:28,445
He's romantic
and quirky.
636
00:30:29,118 --> 00:30:30,448
Oh, Jessie,
637
00:30:30,449 --> 00:30:31,869
someday I hope
you'll find a guy
638
00:30:31,871 --> 00:30:33,911
who cares enough
to steal you a pig.
639
00:30:35,044 --> 00:30:37,174
A girl can dream.
640
00:30:37,166 --> 00:30:39,876
Look, guys, I really
appreciate this pep talk,
641
00:30:39,879 --> 00:30:43,009
although it was
oddly lacking in pep.
642
00:30:43,012 --> 00:30:44,092
But ever since I moved
to New York,
643
00:30:44,093 --> 00:30:45,593
I've been pounding
the pavement
644
00:30:45,594 --> 00:30:47,564
trying to become
an actress, and...
645
00:30:47,556 --> 00:30:48,806
It just
hasn't happened.
646
00:30:48,807 --> 00:30:50,057
You need to
give it time.
647
00:30:50,059 --> 00:30:51,559
I've given it
three years.
648
00:30:51,560 --> 00:30:53,100
It's obviously
never going to happen.
649
00:30:53,102 --> 00:30:54,182
Don't say that.
650
00:30:54,183 --> 00:30:56,943
What, the truth?
That I'm kidding
myself?
651
00:30:58,107 --> 00:31:00,977
That's it,
I quit acting.
652
00:31:00,980 --> 00:31:02,530
Okay, I give up.
653
00:31:05,744 --> 00:31:08,834
Okay,
honest opinion.
654
00:31:08,827 --> 00:31:10,577
Who wears
this better?
655
00:31:12,621 --> 00:31:15,161
Sweetie, we're in
the middle of a crisis.
656
00:31:15,164 --> 00:31:17,674
Now, is not the time
for silly costumes.
657
00:31:17,666 --> 00:31:19,956
Well, then someone
should tell
Admiral Oink.
658
00:31:19,959 --> 00:31:21,129
(HAMLET GRUNTING)
659
00:31:24,423 --> 00:31:27,313
We made
a fortune off
my boy band rocks.
660
00:31:27,306 --> 00:31:30,846
We made even more
off my Legends of
Country Collection.
661
00:31:30,849 --> 00:31:32,139
We sold out,
662
00:31:32,141 --> 00:31:35,391
but I couldn't bear
to part with
Quarry Underwood.
663
00:31:37,186 --> 00:31:40,106
You guys, I'm really
worried about Jessie.
664
00:31:40,109 --> 00:31:42,569
She's so depressed,
she won't even
leave the villa to eat.
665
00:31:42,571 --> 00:31:45,781
She's surviving
off the stains
on her bathrobe.
666
00:31:45,784 --> 00:31:47,294
(RUMBLING)
667
00:31:47,286 --> 00:31:49,076
Did you all
hear that?
668
00:31:49,078 --> 00:31:51,488
It wasn't me.
669
00:31:51,490 --> 00:31:53,790
Correct.
It is something
even bigger
670
00:31:53,792 --> 00:31:56,752
and more explosive
than Bertram's
intestines.
671
00:31:56,745 --> 00:31:58,085
The sun?
672
00:31:59,168 --> 00:32:01,298
No, the volcano.
673
00:32:01,300 --> 00:32:03,460
According to
my Lava Locator app,
674
00:32:03,462 --> 00:32:06,222
this supposedly
dormant volcanic
formation
675
00:32:06,215 --> 00:32:10,805
has been experiencing
a freakish escalation
in seismic activity.
676
00:32:10,809 --> 00:32:12,219
What is he
talking about?
677
00:32:12,931 --> 00:32:14,351
(SIGHS)
678
00:32:14,353 --> 00:32:17,563
Sleepy mountain
go boom.
679
00:32:19,018 --> 00:32:20,688
(ALL GASPING)
680
00:32:20,689 --> 00:32:24,269
Finally. A delayed
reaction, but an
appropriate one.
681
00:32:24,273 --> 00:32:28,373
Because it is highly
likely we are all
going to perish.
682
00:32:28,367 --> 00:32:31,117
If it's dormant,
why would it
suddenly start erupting?
683
00:32:31,120 --> 00:32:35,030
There is no logical,
scientific explanation.
684
00:32:35,034 --> 00:32:38,004
But Keahi told me
that if you offend
the island,
685
00:32:37,997 --> 00:32:39,837
the volcano
will get angry.
686
00:32:39,838 --> 00:32:41,708
How can you
offend an island?
687
00:32:41,710 --> 00:32:44,920
Say, "That beach
makes you look fat"?
688
00:32:44,923 --> 00:32:48,143
No, by exploiting
its natural resources.
689
00:32:48,137 --> 00:32:51,007
For example,
by selling lava rocks.
690
00:32:51,010 --> 00:32:52,180
(GASPS)
691
00:32:52,181 --> 00:32:54,181
What?
692
00:32:54,183 --> 00:32:55,643
Selling a bunch
of old rocks
693
00:32:55,644 --> 00:32:57,944
isn't going to make
a volcano erupt.
694
00:32:57,936 --> 00:32:59,726
Maybe not
by itself.
695
00:32:59,728 --> 00:33:03,898
But if someone also
picked the forbidden
pua aloalo blossom...
696
00:33:03,902 --> 00:33:05,102
What does that
look like?
697
00:33:08,607 --> 00:33:10,447
Like the thing
behind your ear.
698
00:33:10,449 --> 00:33:11,659
Uh-oh.
699
00:33:11,660 --> 00:33:13,910
But what enrages
the island most
700
00:33:13,912 --> 00:33:16,962
is if you steal
the local fauna.
701
00:33:16,955 --> 00:33:20,745
Emma, Hammy
misses you.
Aww.
702
00:33:20,749 --> 00:33:23,829
Whew. Good thing Hammy
is a pig and not a fawn.
703
00:33:25,674 --> 00:33:29,014
No, fauna is Latin
for animal,
704
00:33:29,007 --> 00:33:31,177
which includes pigs.
705
00:33:31,180 --> 00:33:32,680
They're too dumb
to live.
706
00:33:32,681 --> 00:33:35,221
Let's grab some
pool noodles and
swim outta here.
707
00:33:35,224 --> 00:33:37,644
(VOLCANO RUMBLING)
708
00:33:37,636 --> 00:33:40,226
Smart kid,
tell us what to do.
709
00:33:41,810 --> 00:33:43,440
First,
learn my name.
710
00:33:43,442 --> 00:33:45,902
We have been
hanging out
for four days now.
711
00:33:45,904 --> 00:33:50,244
Sorry... Ralphie? Randy?
Ricky? Doug?
712
00:33:51,860 --> 00:33:53,280
And second,
713
00:33:53,282 --> 00:33:55,952
legend says that
we must take all
the purloined items
714
00:33:55,954 --> 00:33:57,374
to the precipice
of the crater
715
00:33:57,366 --> 00:34:00,576
to make restitution
for our ecological
transgressions.
716
00:34:00,579 --> 00:34:04,209
Doug.
Please, speak English.
This is an emergency.
717
00:34:06,004 --> 00:34:08,594
He's saying we need
to go up to the
exploding volcano
718
00:34:08,587 --> 00:34:10,047
and apologize to it.
719
00:34:10,048 --> 00:34:12,128
Thank you, Bertram.
You're welcome, Doug.
720
00:34:12,131 --> 00:34:13,761
Now, let's go.
721
00:34:14,803 --> 00:34:16,273
(FARTS)
722
00:34:16,265 --> 00:34:17,805
The volcano.
723
00:34:17,806 --> 00:34:19,676
Actually,
that one was me.
724
00:34:19,678 --> 00:34:21,888
I've need to drop
some lava rocks off
at the crater,
725
00:34:21,890 --> 00:34:23,770
if you know
what I mean.
726
00:34:30,239 --> 00:34:31,239
Oh, hey, Luke.
727
00:34:33,242 --> 00:34:35,072
How'd you know
I was back here?
728
00:34:35,073 --> 00:34:37,043
Christmas trees
don't usually
wear sneakers.
729
00:34:38,747 --> 00:34:40,037
What you doing?
730
00:34:40,038 --> 00:34:41,998
Hiding in shame.
731
00:34:42,000 --> 00:34:45,700
My last prank
actually made
the victims happy.
732
00:34:47,506 --> 00:34:50,046
I don't even know
who I am anymore.
733
00:34:51,970 --> 00:34:54,010
Oh, you think
you feel bad?
734
00:34:54,012 --> 00:34:56,932
I'm here while Shaylee
is off playing my part
on a big TV show.
735
00:34:56,925 --> 00:34:58,015
You know what?
Move over.
736
00:35:00,018 --> 00:35:01,638
(SOBBING)
737
00:35:03,272 --> 00:35:06,992
I just can't live
with the humiliation.
738
00:35:06,985 --> 00:35:10,525
Get used to it.
When all is said
and done, Luke,
739
00:35:10,529 --> 00:35:14,149
life is just one big, long,
dark tunnel of failure.
740
00:35:15,904 --> 00:35:17,124
Yikes.
741
00:35:19,077 --> 00:35:21,657
Ugh, I'm exhausted.
742
00:35:21,660 --> 00:35:23,700
I can't walk
another step.
743
00:35:23,702 --> 00:35:26,212
We've only
been walking
for three minutes.
744
00:35:27,546 --> 00:35:29,376
Well, it feels
like four.
745
00:35:29,378 --> 00:35:31,958
(VOLCANO RUMBLING)
(HAMLET SQUEALING)
746
00:35:31,960 --> 00:35:33,460
Poor Hammy.
747
00:35:33,462 --> 00:35:35,512
(SQUEALS)
748
00:35:35,514 --> 00:35:37,064
Are your
hoofies hurting?
749
00:35:37,055 --> 00:35:40,215
Emma, you really
should not baby him.
750
00:35:40,219 --> 00:35:42,139
Don't you want him
to grow up to be
751
00:35:42,140 --> 00:35:44,020
a strong and
confident hog?
752
00:35:44,022 --> 00:35:46,102
Of course,
but right now
he's a piglet,
753
00:35:46,104 --> 00:35:48,614
and he really needs
his daddy's love
and support.
754
00:35:48,607 --> 00:35:50,977
It's a pig.
The only thing
he needs
755
00:35:50,979 --> 00:35:53,359
is an apple
in his mouth and
a nice honey glaze.
756
00:35:53,362 --> 00:35:55,862
(SQUEALING)
757
00:35:55,864 --> 00:35:57,624
You are
a terrible aunt.
758
00:35:58,697 --> 00:36:01,277
Enough with
the porcine parenting.
759
00:36:01,280 --> 00:36:03,280
We must get
to the volcano.
760
00:36:03,282 --> 00:36:05,662
But it's so far.
761
00:36:10,789 --> 00:36:14,669
Okay, the crater
of the volcano
is right below us.
762
00:36:14,673 --> 00:36:18,013
It reeks. It's like
we're trapped
inside a hot fart.
763
00:36:19,968 --> 00:36:22,258
Been there.
The zipper on
my sleeping bag
764
00:36:22,261 --> 00:36:25,471
jammed during
my scout troupe's
chili cook-off.
765
00:36:25,474 --> 00:36:27,234
I had to
burn those pajamas.
766
00:36:29,728 --> 00:36:31,688
You picked
a real winner.
767
00:36:34,733 --> 00:36:38,203
Honey, sometimes
a little mystery
in a relationship
768
00:36:38,196 --> 00:36:40,696
is a good thing.
769
00:36:40,699 --> 00:36:43,489
Just make your offerings,
so we can appease
the volcano
770
00:36:43,492 --> 00:36:44,782
and get out of here.
771
00:36:44,783 --> 00:36:46,033
Throw in the rocks.
772
00:36:46,034 --> 00:36:48,334
I'll miss you,
Joey Fistone.
773
00:36:50,208 --> 00:36:51,588
Oh, I can't.
774
00:36:51,590 --> 00:36:53,500
Just toss it in.
What?
775
00:36:55,213 --> 00:36:57,103
See ya,
Quarry Underwood.
776
00:36:59,177 --> 00:37:01,757
It's your heart
that's made of stone.
777
00:37:01,760 --> 00:37:05,220
They're rocks.
Unlike you, I have
friends who are people.
778
00:37:07,225 --> 00:37:10,105
And now the flower.
779
00:37:10,108 --> 00:37:13,518
Poor flower.
Everything beautiful
must die.
780
00:37:14,483 --> 00:37:16,193
Except me, hopefully.
781
00:37:17,906 --> 00:37:20,566
Oh, why won't it
stop rumbling?
782
00:37:20,569 --> 00:37:22,529
(SQUEALS)
It's upsetting Hammy.
783
00:37:22,531 --> 00:37:24,741
We need to
take him home.
784
00:37:24,743 --> 00:37:27,503
Well, uh, this is awkward.
785
00:37:30,919 --> 00:37:33,999
The last thing
that must be thrown
into the volcano is...
786
00:37:34,633 --> 00:37:36,003
The pig.
787
00:37:36,004 --> 00:37:38,264
(GASPING)
(HAMLET SQUEALS)
788
00:37:38,256 --> 00:37:41,336
You expect us to
hurl our baby into
burning hot lava?
789
00:37:41,340 --> 00:37:43,430
I suppose
you could lower him
down slowly,
790
00:37:43,432 --> 00:37:45,012
but that
just seems cruel.
791
00:37:46,845 --> 00:37:49,385
There is no way
we are sending
our beloved Hamlet
792
00:37:49,388 --> 00:37:51,848
to a fiery, yet
delicious-smelling death.
793
00:37:53,231 --> 00:37:56,101
I am sorry,
but there is
no other way.
794
00:37:56,104 --> 00:37:58,704
Maybe the island
will accept
a heartfelt apology.
795
00:38:00,989 --> 00:38:03,819
We're supes sorry!
Forgivesies?
796
00:38:05,994 --> 00:38:07,874
(RUMBLING STOPS)
797
00:38:07,866 --> 00:38:10,076
See, it worked.
798
00:38:10,078 --> 00:38:11,248
(RUMBLING LOUDLY)
799
00:38:12,170 --> 00:38:13,170
(ALL SCREAMING)
800
00:38:15,173 --> 00:38:17,133
RAVI: Dear gods,
it's erupting!
801
00:38:17,125 --> 00:38:18,465
(SCREAMING)
802
00:38:23,512 --> 00:38:24,762
Where could they be?
803
00:38:24,763 --> 00:38:26,563
Jessie, I'm sure
they're fine.
804
00:38:26,555 --> 00:38:29,135
They're probably
just playing
a prank on you.
805
00:38:29,137 --> 00:38:30,767
And they left me out
806
00:38:30,769 --> 00:38:33,349
because I've lost
my pranking mojo.
Okay.
807
00:38:35,103 --> 00:38:38,363
I think they went on
a hike to apologize
to the island.
808
00:38:38,357 --> 00:38:40,147
Is that some
weird day trip
you guys offer?
809
00:38:42,070 --> 00:38:45,490
And where would
one go to apologize
to an island?
810
00:38:45,494 --> 00:38:47,164
To the volcano.
811
00:38:47,155 --> 00:38:48,535
(RUMBLING)
812
00:38:50,208 --> 00:38:52,158
What? Why didn't
you stop them?
813
00:38:52,160 --> 00:38:54,620
In my defense,
I didn't know if they
were coming or going.
814
00:38:54,623 --> 00:38:56,553
Aloha means
hello and goodbye.
815
00:38:58,216 --> 00:39:01,416
Jessie, there you are.
Please, can we talk?
816
00:39:01,420 --> 00:39:04,050
I can't. I need to
get to the mouth
of that erupting volcano.
817
00:39:04,052 --> 00:39:07,182
No, no! It's not worth it.
It was just a TV role.
818
00:39:08,467 --> 00:39:10,057
I mean I have to
save my kids,
819
00:39:10,058 --> 00:39:12,348
who for some incredibly
stupid reason
went up there.
820
00:39:12,350 --> 00:39:15,270
The only way you'll
get up there in time
is by helicopter.
821
00:39:15,273 --> 00:39:17,033
Where am I going
to find one of those?
822
00:39:17,025 --> 00:39:19,275
Hey, there was one
in the scene
that I just shot.
823
00:39:19,277 --> 00:39:21,067
Great, let's go.
824
00:39:21,069 --> 00:39:23,779
Wait. They added
a helicopter scene
for you?
825
00:39:26,114 --> 00:39:28,414
Just a little one.
Sorry.
826
00:39:28,407 --> 00:39:31,197
If it makes you feel
any better, my character
got pushed out and died.
827
00:39:31,199 --> 00:39:33,289
So they needed
another corpse
and no one called me?
828
00:39:35,083 --> 00:39:36,633
This is why
I quit the business.
829
00:39:40,669 --> 00:39:42,459
We must make
a break for it.
830
00:39:42,461 --> 00:39:44,131
Oh, now we
have to run?
831
00:39:44,132 --> 00:39:46,302
This is officially
the worst Christmas
vacation ever.
832
00:39:50,138 --> 00:39:52,098
(YELLS) The lava is
coming up the stairs.
833
00:39:53,472 --> 00:39:56,102
Now the lava
can climb stairs?
834
00:39:56,104 --> 00:39:58,154
It's evolving.
Game over, man.
835
00:39:59,648 --> 00:40:02,018
I can't believe
I'm going to die
with the frizzies.
836
00:40:02,020 --> 00:40:03,610
I can't believe
I'm going to die with
837
00:40:03,612 --> 00:40:05,782
unopened
Christmas presents.
838
00:40:05,784 --> 00:40:08,534
I can't believe
I'm going to die
surrounded by children.
839
00:40:08,527 --> 00:40:11,117
Give me that
squealing sausage
840
00:40:11,119 --> 00:40:13,159
and rib sampler.
No!
841
00:40:13,161 --> 00:40:15,581
You are not
throwing our baby
into the volcano.
842
00:40:15,584 --> 00:40:17,384
Who said anything
about throwing him in?
843
00:40:17,375 --> 00:40:19,665
I'm not going
to the afterlife
on an empty stomach.
844
00:40:19,668 --> 00:40:21,088
Now give me that pig!
No!
845
00:40:21,089 --> 00:40:22,539
Give him to me!
846
00:40:23,842 --> 00:40:25,132
Where are they?
847
00:40:25,133 --> 00:40:27,143
Do you
see anything?
(VOMITING)
848
00:40:28,006 --> 00:40:29,386
Just my lunch,
849
00:40:29,387 --> 00:40:31,717
and what appears
to be very old
chewing gum.
850
00:40:33,682 --> 00:40:37,062
Even though
you just barfed,
I'd, uh, still kiss you.
851
00:40:39,057 --> 00:40:41,227
Yeah, you might
want to reconsider.
852
00:40:41,229 --> 00:40:42,729
(BREATHES HEAVILY)
853
00:40:46,525 --> 00:40:48,525
Works every time!
854
00:40:48,527 --> 00:40:50,117
You've done that before?
855
00:40:51,950 --> 00:40:53,240
Oh, look, I see them.
856
00:40:53,241 --> 00:40:55,331
Okay. Hang on,
we're going down.
857
00:40:55,333 --> 00:40:57,213
Oh, and my breakfast
is coming up.
858
00:40:57,205 --> 00:40:59,125
(SHAYLEE VOMITING)
859
00:40:59,127 --> 00:41:01,337
Ow! Get off me!
860
00:41:01,339 --> 00:41:02,959
How dare you
try to eat Hamlet?
861
00:41:02,961 --> 00:41:04,501
Where is your
Christmas spirit?
862
00:41:04,503 --> 00:41:08,053
Oh, right, like
ham on Christmas
is such a crazy idea.
863
00:41:09,087 --> 00:41:11,297
(LOUD RUMBLING)
864
00:41:11,299 --> 00:41:13,219
We are doomed!
Emma...
865
00:41:15,183 --> 00:41:16,563
I just can't
believe we're never
going to get
866
00:41:16,555 --> 00:41:18,305
to see
our little porker
grow up.
867
00:41:18,306 --> 00:41:19,936
I know.
868
00:41:19,938 --> 00:41:22,358
I was so looking
forward to spoiling
the grandpiglets.
869
00:41:22,360 --> 00:41:24,230
(HAMLET GRUNTS)
870
00:41:24,232 --> 00:41:26,232
Oh, it's okay.
It's okay.
871
00:41:27,656 --> 00:41:29,366
I will treasure
the time we've had
together
872
00:41:29,367 --> 00:41:30,527
for as long
as I live.
873
00:41:30,529 --> 00:41:32,159
Which, according
to my calculations,
874
00:41:32,160 --> 00:41:33,990
will be approximately
two minutes.
875
00:41:33,992 --> 00:41:34,992
(HAMLET SQUEALS)
876
00:41:36,284 --> 00:41:37,834
Joey...
877
00:41:37,826 --> 00:41:39,666
I'd rather have
two minutes with you
878
00:41:39,668 --> 00:41:42,038
than a lifetime
with anyone else.
879
00:41:42,040 --> 00:41:43,880
Even Chris Hemsworth?
880
00:41:43,882 --> 00:41:45,212
Is he here?
881
00:41:47,175 --> 00:41:49,385
Forget him.
And two minutes...
882
00:41:49,387 --> 00:41:52,217
Actually, one minute
and 21 seconds.
883
00:41:56,555 --> 00:41:59,055
It's still
enough time for
a goodbye kiss.
884
00:41:59,057 --> 00:42:01,807
Oh, goodie.
I mean, cool babe.
885
00:42:03,562 --> 00:42:05,562
Take him now,
he's peaked.
886
00:42:07,315 --> 00:42:09,905
Look! Look!
A rescue helicopter.
887
00:42:09,908 --> 00:42:11,028
It's Jessie.
888
00:42:11,029 --> 00:42:12,569
Huzzah,
we are saved!
889
00:42:12,571 --> 00:42:14,201
Ha-ha.
But not yet.
890
00:42:14,202 --> 00:42:16,452
We still have
time for a kiss.
891
00:42:18,156 --> 00:42:20,996
Can't you just,
like, circle around
a few times?
892
00:42:22,711 --> 00:42:25,121
Hey, hey, get away.
893
00:42:25,123 --> 00:42:28,223
You know the saying,
women and children last.
894
00:42:28,216 --> 00:42:29,796
Well, at least
if he goes first,
895
00:42:29,798 --> 00:42:32,668
we will know
the ladder is sturdy.
896
00:42:32,671 --> 00:42:35,881
I'm just glad
he's not wearing
his menehune outfit.
897
00:42:40,268 --> 00:42:42,178
You know,
when I thought
898
00:42:42,180 --> 00:42:43,680
we weren't going
to make it off
that volcano,
899
00:42:43,682 --> 00:42:46,232
my whole life
passed before
my eyes.
900
00:42:47,235 --> 00:42:48,605
I sleep a lot.
901
00:42:50,899 --> 00:42:52,949
Doesn't Hammy look
like a little angel?
902
00:42:52,951 --> 00:42:55,241
(HAMLET GRUNTS)
Beyond.
903
00:42:55,243 --> 00:42:57,333
So, uh, Emma...
904
00:42:57,325 --> 00:43:00,035
Remember when
we were up
on the volcano,
905
00:43:00,038 --> 00:43:02,118
things were getting
kind of crazy,
906
00:43:02,120 --> 00:43:04,700
and we almost kissed?
(LAUGHS)
907
00:43:04,703 --> 00:43:05,913
We almost kissed.
908
00:43:05,914 --> 00:43:08,134
Oh. That.
(HAMLET GRUNTS)
909
00:43:08,126 --> 00:43:10,416
So, don't you think
we should, like,
910
00:43:10,418 --> 00:43:13,168
I don't know, pick up
where we left off?
911
00:43:15,173 --> 00:43:16,303
Okay.
912
00:43:23,221 --> 00:43:24,481
Why didn't you
lean in?
913
00:43:24,482 --> 00:43:25,852
Why didn't you
lean in?
914
00:43:25,854 --> 00:43:27,364
(SCOFFS)
Because I'm the girl.
915
00:43:27,355 --> 00:43:29,145
Well, I'm the nerd.
916
00:43:29,147 --> 00:43:31,027
Wow.
917
00:43:31,029 --> 00:43:33,899
Look, Joey,
if you're going to
move to New York,
918
00:43:33,902 --> 00:43:35,362
you've got to be
a little more
assertive.
919
00:43:35,363 --> 00:43:36,833
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
920
00:43:36,825 --> 00:43:38,445
Who said anything
about me moving
to New York?
921
00:43:38,446 --> 00:43:41,156
Well, how else
are we going to
co-parent Hamlet?
922
00:43:41,159 --> 00:43:42,499
Why can't you
just move to
Wisconsin?
923
00:43:42,500 --> 00:43:44,330
So many reasons.
924
00:43:44,332 --> 00:43:46,162
One, it's shaped
like a mitten.
925
00:43:46,164 --> 00:43:48,054
And two...
Actually, that's enough.
926
00:43:48,046 --> 00:43:50,296
I don't even
need to go to two.
927
00:43:51,209 --> 00:43:54,049
How dare you?
928
00:43:54,052 --> 00:43:56,132
Hamlet is coming
with me to New York.
929
00:43:56,134 --> 00:43:57,564
A pig belongs
in a penthouse.
930
00:43:57,555 --> 00:43:58,805
JOEY: Why should
you get him?
931
00:43:58,807 --> 00:44:00,097
I'm the one
that stole him.
932
00:44:00,098 --> 00:44:01,968
Exactly.
933
00:44:01,970 --> 00:44:04,850
I can't let him
be raised by a common
swine snatcher.
934
00:44:04,853 --> 00:44:06,823
Well, then you'll be
speaking with my lawyers.
935
00:44:06,815 --> 00:44:08,895
Because he belongs to me.
936
00:44:08,897 --> 00:44:11,107
No, he belongs to me.
937
00:44:11,109 --> 00:44:13,899
Actually,
he belongs to
Aloha Catering.
938
00:44:13,902 --> 00:44:15,032
(HAMLET SQUEALS)
939
00:44:15,033 --> 00:44:18,043
But they're
letting us keep him
as our resort mascot.
940
00:44:20,658 --> 00:44:23,488
Hammy!
Don't forget to text.
941
00:44:24,873 --> 00:44:26,373
He didn't even
look back.
942
00:44:26,374 --> 00:44:28,674
In his defense,
he has no neck.
943
00:44:30,338 --> 00:44:33,838
I know what will
cheer you guys up.
Nuts?
944
00:44:33,842 --> 00:44:35,342
Oh, thanks.
945
00:44:35,343 --> 00:44:38,353
Joey, don't.
It's probably just
one of his lame pranks.
946
00:44:38,346 --> 00:44:40,216
Don't worry, Emma.
I got this.
947
00:44:41,179 --> 00:44:43,559
Huh...
948
00:44:43,561 --> 00:44:46,101
Your stupid
fake snake
didn't even pop out.
949
00:44:46,104 --> 00:44:48,904
(LAUGHS)
And that's because
the snake's not fake.
950
00:44:48,897 --> 00:44:50,187
(HISSING)
951
00:44:50,188 --> 00:44:53,108
(SCREAMING)
952
00:44:53,111 --> 00:44:54,441
I'm back!
953
00:44:56,234 --> 00:44:57,534
(LAUGHING)
954
00:44:57,525 --> 00:44:59,575
Nice twist
on an old classic.
955
00:44:59,577 --> 00:45:02,317
And we made 20 bucks
selling him that snake.
956
00:45:02,320 --> 00:45:04,200
And we'll make
a lot more
957
00:45:04,202 --> 00:45:06,032
selling the antivenom.
958
00:45:07,916 --> 00:45:10,626
Well, flying into
the fiery jaws of death
959
00:45:10,628 --> 00:45:13,288
sure does make
our issues seem petty,
doesn't it?
960
00:45:13,291 --> 00:45:15,331
Not really.
961
00:45:15,333 --> 00:45:17,843
But thank you
for helping me
get the helicopter.
962
00:45:19,137 --> 00:45:20,547
Okay.
963
00:45:20,548 --> 00:45:23,638
Look, Jessie,
I will say this
one last time.
964
00:45:23,641 --> 00:45:25,681
I am truly sorry
965
00:45:26,895 --> 00:45:28,345
for taking your part.
966
00:45:28,346 --> 00:45:30,016
Okay? I'll clear
my stuff out
of the villa,
967
00:45:30,018 --> 00:45:31,518
and you'll never
have to see me again.
968
00:45:32,560 --> 00:45:35,110
Shaylee, wait.
969
00:45:35,113 --> 00:45:37,493
(SIGHS) I know you didn't
mean to hurt me.
970
00:45:37,485 --> 00:45:39,775
Okay? I'm not even
mad at you anymore.
971
00:45:39,778 --> 00:45:42,488
I'm mad at myself,
for wasting
so much time
972
00:45:42,490 --> 00:45:45,030
on this stupid dream.
973
00:45:45,033 --> 00:45:46,623
I guess I just don't
have what it takes.
974
00:45:46,624 --> 00:45:48,374
No. That's not true.
975
00:45:48,366 --> 00:45:51,456
I know talent
when I see it,
and you have got it.
976
00:45:51,459 --> 00:45:53,459
What? You really
think so?
977
00:45:53,461 --> 00:45:55,251
Absolutely.
978
00:45:55,253 --> 00:45:57,843
The hardest part
about acting isn't
the acting part.
979
00:45:57,836 --> 00:45:59,876
It's dealing with
the rejection,
980
00:45:59,878 --> 00:46:03,088
and never giving up.
That is what takes guts.
981
00:46:03,091 --> 00:46:05,091
Well, I guess
I don't have
that kind of guts.
982
00:46:05,093 --> 00:46:06,473
Are you kidding me?
983
00:46:06,474 --> 00:46:09,024
You dove
straight into an
erupting volcano.
984
00:46:09,017 --> 00:46:10,687
What takes
more guts than that?
985
00:46:10,688 --> 00:46:13,938
Diving into
Luke's laundry hamper.
986
00:46:13,942 --> 00:46:16,562
Jessie, please
do not give up
on your dream.
987
00:46:16,564 --> 00:46:18,324
But I've been...
Promise me.
988
00:46:20,448 --> 00:46:22,238
Okay, I promise.
989
00:46:23,031 --> 00:46:24,991
Thank you, Shaylee.
990
00:46:24,993 --> 00:46:26,073
Aww.
991
00:46:32,170 --> 00:46:33,620
Luke.
992
00:46:33,621 --> 00:46:35,331
Will you
ever give up?
993
00:46:35,333 --> 00:46:37,183
Sure. When pigs fly.
994
00:46:39,217 --> 00:46:40,217
(GRUNTING)
995
00:46:41,719 --> 00:46:43,839
Unless that pig
takes off,
it doesn't count.
996
00:46:48,056 --> 00:46:50,016
And that is the story
997
00:46:50,018 --> 00:46:53,388
of this beautiful
island paradise.
998
00:46:53,391 --> 00:46:55,521
Hawaii, a magical place
999
00:46:55,523 --> 00:46:57,823
where one does
not own the land,
1000
00:46:57,815 --> 00:47:00,985
but lives in
harmony with it.
1001
00:47:00,989 --> 00:47:04,399
Let's hear it
for our fabulous
narrator, Doug.
1002
00:47:04,402 --> 00:47:06,032
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
1003
00:47:09,077 --> 00:47:11,537
Merry Christmas Eve,
everyone.
1004
00:47:11,539 --> 00:47:13,499
Let's start
the show.
1005
00:47:13,501 --> 00:47:15,541
(RHYTHMIC MUSIC PLAYING)
1006
00:47:31,229 --> 00:47:32,809
(BELCHES)
(MUSIC STOPS)
1007
00:47:36,234 --> 00:47:39,194
A fire-breathing dragon.
That's awesome.
1008
00:47:39,187 --> 00:47:42,107
I saw enough fire
when we flew over
that stupid volcano.
1009
00:47:42,110 --> 00:47:43,530
(VOLCANO RUMBLING)
1010
00:47:43,531 --> 00:47:45,821
I meant smart, nice,
pretty volcano.
1011
00:47:48,156 --> 00:47:52,696
Gentlemen, join us
for a traditional
Hawaiian dance,
1012
00:47:52,700 --> 00:47:55,950
after stopping
at the traditional
Hawaiian tip jar.
1013
00:47:56,544 --> 00:47:58,384
(MUSIC RESUMES)
1014
00:48:18,276 --> 00:48:19,646
(CHEERING)
1015
00:48:21,189 --> 00:48:23,149
Come on, girls,
let's show them
how it's done.
1016
00:48:45,003 --> 00:48:46,133
(CHEERING)
1017
00:48:50,808 --> 00:48:52,098
(PLAYING SLOW TUNE)
1018
00:49:04,983 --> 00:49:07,703
Look, everyone,
it's snowing
in Hawaii.
1019
00:49:08,656 --> 00:49:10,696
It's a Christmas miracle.
1020
00:49:10,698 --> 00:49:13,568
Uh... I do not think
this is snow.
1021
00:49:13,571 --> 00:49:15,491
It's ash
from the volcano.
1022
00:49:15,493 --> 00:49:17,083
Are you sure?
1023
00:49:18,876 --> 00:49:20,876
(COUGHING)
1024
00:49:20,878 --> 00:49:22,378
Yup. That's ash.
1025
00:49:27,345 --> 00:49:29,585
Jessie,
shouldn't you be
stopping them?
1026
00:49:29,587 --> 00:49:31,007
Eh, it's cleaner
than the snow
in New York.
74833
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